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Thread: I feel so angry!
I feel so angry!
Posted: 1/11/2013 9:29:38 AM
People attract other people into their lives that help them "experience" whatever it is they are. Chances are your friend has a lot of problems and you can't fix them. You can say how you feel, but after that - if you want peace of mind and to have done everything you could for your friend - then the secret is to let her be who she is and make her own choices.
Keep the door open, but distance yourself - unless you choose to continue in this situation.
His problem is that he's an alcoholic, and clearly - based on your account - an abuser." One of their key traits is to isolate their partner from their family and friends - but not without the willing (conscious or not) submission of the partner. The fact that he's an alcoholic just adds an entirely broader dimension to their dysfunctional relationship - both with each other, and with their selves.
Unfortunately, this battle you can not win.
Now remember, you also attract people into your life in the same format. So you need to decide who you're going to be in relationship to all this drama. Will you stay involved and rail against a losing battle or let go and choose peace of mind? Your choice.
Best wishes, whatever you choose.
What's the best video game out
Posted: 1/9/2013 8:31:38 AM
I'm still a huge Left 4 Dead fan. Left 4 Dead 2 is also out and it rocks hard. If you dig zombies, good graphics, rapid play performance, it does the trick.
Halo 4 is pretty awesome, I can't lie. I enjoy it, but I always go back to my l4D2!
Top 10 things for men not to do on a first date:
Posted: 1/9/2013 8:25:15 AM
No wondering I've been doing so badly. Thanks man, you may have just saved my future kids lives. Lulz
Introduce Yourself Here.
Posted: 1/9/2013 8:21:24 AM
I'm Michael, and I recently ressurrected a dead profile from a long sleep. I've had a number of relationships, some really great that lasted years, and some "eh" since I've been gone. I decided to give it another shot and toss my hat in the ring. Let's do this! Nice to meet all of you by the way.
I'm from Springfield, MA in Western Massachusetts. The pickings are slim out here compared to Boston. I'm sure I'll me someone really great though.
Why do woman/girls like older men??
Posted: 1/6/2013 2:53:50 PM
I love younger women. I have my limit though and it's not a legal one. For example, anyone younger than 24 is completely off my radar. In my experience, they're usually looking for a father figure, not a partner. They have no idea what they want - but of course this is just based on my experience.
Plenty of exceptions, but I don't go looking is the point.
The Walking Dead
Posted: 1/6/2013 2:28:19 PM
Awesome show. Anything Zombies is usually win - although Netflix has some seriously sad ones with like 2 stars, etc. I can't wait for the new episodes in February.
Posted: 8/8/2007 5:01:40 AM
Title: Weekend Warrior
Monday morning, and I have an appointment with my surgeon in 2 hours. Today's appointment is not going to be pleasant. I have to report to my surgeon that the surgery failed once more, for the third time in 3 years. My frustration has grown to such a point that I'm at a loss as to what we should do next. I had high hopes this would be the last surgery, and it will clearly not be.
There is good news, while the surgery has failed, I've been feeling a little bit better lately. On the 1 - 10 scale, I've been hanging around 4, [Remember, 10 is no symptoms at all] -- A 4 is good news! It means I can leave the house and function if I don't do too much. Today I woke up early, worked out, did some weights -- and I'm all dressed and ready to rock!
Over the weekend I went to a really great party with my best friend Dan and his girlfriend Melanie. Melanie is a French student here on a VISA in the U.S. thru a special program. The program provides the student with a host-home where they work as a nanny in the home and are given room and board. Melanie invited me to come down, as well as her close friend Salaam to have dinner with her host family. Dinner was excellent, it was nice talking to the family, and the kids. They were very friendly people.
Later on Dan, Melanie and I drove to Burlington CT to go to the party. We got lost in the pouring rain and fog. We must have turned around 10 times or more. What made things even worse was the fact that when we did find the street, there were no houses with cars in front, and no numbers on most of the homes -- so we didn't know which house the party was at! Eventually we back tracked and found a renovated home with an open parking garage. Apparently the reason no cars were present was because we were one of the first cars to arrive!
Rich, an old friend of mine from Highschool showed up at the party. It was nice seeing him and covering some past ground. By this point I was stuffed full of food and now Pepsi, and I was ready to rock.
I was introduced to a few different girls. Sonia, Estonia, Celina, Anis -- the list goes on. All of the girls were also students temporarily living in the U.S. to attend school. All the girls were Latin, or Mexican. One was from Columbia, another from Mexico, and still another from Ecuador.
I introduced myself to a few other girls. I couldn't help but turn the funny on and tell a few jokes -- ok, a lot of jokes. I'm a total idiot when I'm around women. It was great though, they loved it, I loved it -- I loved them, they loved me. I got hugs, some dancing, some pool -- yup, they even had a pool table -- and I even had the option of staying over. I had a bag packed too! One of the girls asked me if I would like to, and I certainly did -- we all know how I do, but I wasn't able to since I wouldn't have been able to get a ride home the next day.
By 3:30 a.m. Dan wanted to go home to take care of his dog, and Melanie seemed exhausted. I took my time saying goodbye to every person at the party, shaking hands, giving hugs, -- a few of the girls I was interested in knowing further, but after further conversation I realized most of them were only going to be here for months, not years -- and I just didn't want to deal with that headache. I told a few of the girls we'd get together again if they wanted, since Melanie knew some of them -- they agreed. In truth, I hardly expect to even make the effort to see them again, but not for a lack of interest -- I'm just lazy.
So my weekend was great. I overdid it a little at the party and became ill halfway thru, so I sat down. People asked me what was wrong, but I just told them my stomach hurt -- truth be told, as usual the Lyme was setting a limit that I couldn't surpass.
--Michael David Parent, Wednesday, June 28, 2006, 5:49 PM - [06-26-06] Weekend Warrior
Posted: 8/7/2007 5:51:34 PM
You mentionied you are trying to understand the idea of being in the moment.
I recommend these books for you- by Eckhart Tolle
"The Power of NOW”- his personal story and experiences of being in the moment. Incredible. He himself experienced a night of anguish that “caused his ego to collapse in on itself” .
His other books- I have not yet read," Stillness speaks”, ”A New Earth”,
“Entering the Now’; “Flowering the human consciousness”; “Realization of Being”; "Gateway to the Now"; "Stillness Speaks"; "The Art of Presence”; and more.
WAIT! – I HAVE NEVER SEEN this one before, it's titled;
“Living the Liberated Life, and Dealing with the Pain Body” witht he description
From the publisher: A bold new vision for experiencing the fullness of life, Tolle believes it is possible to cultivate the habit of living in the now if people can free themselves from past conditioning.
I honestly don't know if you'd be interested, but I thought I would mention it.
I have already gone through The Power Of Now. It was about 5 years ago. I realize Tolle's new book recently came out after my friend and I discussed it about 2 days ago.
Tolle is effective in translating these concepts as a result of his own personal experiences. He has experienced a living hell, and so knows the danger the mind is in when it lives in the past and future.
Posted: 8/7/2007 5:39:58 PM
I sat down to read and re-read your words, and let them truly sink in.
wow, forgive me for being a fool. I am starting to see and understand better what you meant by not being understood. Not many would.
Understanding, like knowledge, is not wisdom, it is not experience. You will never know, less you fall ill with this or a similar disease, what it's like. I'm grateful that is the case.
I am trying to understand, and wish there was something I could do to help. I also understand that It could be too easy to feel sorry for yourself, and get stuck in it.
More than anything, I am trying to out myself in your shoes, if
anything, to try and imagine and understand a fraction of what you experience.
It is not possible to understand, and wishing on a star won't solve the problem. Your sympathy is kind, but don't waste your time wishing and wanting. The interesting thing I've leaned -- though the wisdom remains elusive -- is that the more you want and wish, the less you can have that which you long for. Choosing to actually change things in a practical way, is the only way.
The frustration, despair and angst are just a few of the emotions that would consume me.
The suicide rate for Lyme Disease is extremely high as a result of exactly what you've just said. It isn't even about being "weak" -- it's about being broken. Every human being has a breaking point.
Feeling trapped would not even describe it- more like enslavement where you are at the whim of the disease and its cruel tantrums of fancy.
Exactly, and it is a vile thing. It is the way it is though, and I'm doing everything I know to do, based on the best information I have available to me, to help other patients and myself defeat it. I will hang on until I no longer can, I'm too much of a stubborn prick to quit. I am full of rage at these circumstances, and that will probably drive me to victory.
It is your own personal hell at all times - isn't it. That
is true isolation. I understand if you welcome the thought of death and sweet release and freedom.
Sometimes I do, though not by my own choice. Fortunately, or unfortunately -- depending on how you look at it, Lyme attacks the brain literally, causing all sorts of abnormal mood, feelings and thoughts. Suicidal tendencies are very common purely as a result of the damage the Lyme dose to specific parts of the brain that control "wellbeing" and Dopamine/Seratonin levels. As the levels shift or fall, suicidal feelings or other potentially deadly thoughts persist or overwhelm the individual. Lyme Disease is a neurological disease, a psychological disease, a mental disease, and a physiological disease. It attacks a human being on all levels, and no one particular symptom really kills the person -- it is the fact that there are hundreds of symptoms and they all collectively overrun the individual, eroding there sense of self, and their will to exist.
Staying here takes so much unimaginable courage, valor spiritual strength beyond anything I have seen. You put the rest of us to shame.
Please don't pat me on the back. I survive because it's in my best interest. I do it because I was designed to. I don't pat you on the back for breathing. People do the best they can given their particular model of the world. Even the weak, evil, and vile in this world, are doing what they think is best ultimately.
I don't blame you for being infuriated with the world and the sad sacks of sh*t we are for complaining over the smallest inconvenience.
I am really not upset with people as a whole, I understand that each persons suffering is relative to their own experiences with prior suffering. We endure in relativity, that is a truth I've learned. The more pressure applied, the stronger we get, yet the stronger we get the more inflexible and brittle we may become as the pressure becomes overwhelming. Eventually even the strongest oak branches snap beneath the weight of a long snow storm, while the willow bends gently beneath the weight, releasing from it's grip, the pressure which it abandons. This simple parable reflects the nature of things. We try to be as flexible as we can and to adapt and give beneath the pressures in order that we can spring back and stand tall again, but inevitably someone is always the oak.
None of that minor crap really matters- does it?.
Oh god, Mike, forgive me for being stupid. I wish there was something I could do- so you wouldnt have to go through this.
I hope you will continue to share your work. I would like to read more.
There is nothing to forgive. You haven't done anything wrong. How does the serenity prayer go? Just focus on the things you can change, that is what matters most.
Posted: 8/6/2007 4:43:23 AM
I have two opinions;
The both of you characters created to talk to each other - not one other person has posted in this thread, but I've been keeping track. And you're silently recounting a tale of two glittering people who should have met in reality - to achieve what I would perceive as a great romance - and yet it's all the work of some comedic mastermind.
Or, the one I choose to believe:
You both have achieved something not many people do. You with your ill health and her with such a graceful disposition. Yet somehow you appreciate each other's flaws, almost lovingly as each post passes by.
Regardless of whatever relationship between the two of you has developed; know that you've taken my breath away.
Pure beauty. If only we could all be as noble; if only.
I would say the second opinion is closest to the truth. Q is indeed a real person. I do not know her well, only what I have read in this thread. I appreciate your kind words.
Posted: 8/6/2007 4:39:27 AM
Do you feel pushed by expectations and time constraints? Are they
self imposed ?
I feel both intensely, though I have recently been inspired to return to my root belief in presence. If "Now" is all I'll ever have, than it's important I be here for it. I am a student, and I keep forgetting that.
Are they set in place by what society says you should have accomplished by certain times lines?
I am affected by social and cultural roles as well as ideas about success. Each piece I have written discusses different aspects of what I am facing in some respect. Clearly I have the knowledge, but knowledge is not wisdom. For today, I am ok with that. Wisdom will come if I practice presence. The process of each consecutive moment, beginning here in the present, is where that practice takes place and it takes place out of a chosen desire.
I’m sure you are aware of the difference. Who are the people deciding these standards?
You, they, them, him, her, us, we. I have made an authority of students.
And why do we follow their standards?
Out of habit, out of a desire to belong, out of a believing their promise that once we achieve this or that, that happiness will be ours. If we get from here to there -- finally, happiness will be present in our lives. This is my mistaken belief.
Are the people who set these standards truly happy? Why do we accept someone else’s “one size fits all” idea of how life should be lived?
1: No, 2: Because if we follow and fail, we're not accountable, we were just doing what we're told. We're afraid to be responsible for the outcomes we produce if we decide to measure our own success by our own yard stick. I can't believe how caught up in the illusion I have been.
If we jam ourselves into a puzzle hole we are not meant to fit, we are going to end up broken, twisted and scarred. (Does this sound familiar to some situations or people found in society?)
It sounds familiar to almost every single person I've ever met, including on this website. I am acutely aware at this present time of how true it is that happiness will inevitably come from within, but first clearing out the mind, and dealing with issues -- which is a process in itself, is part of that process. I am pleased to admit today that while I have not cleared everything, I'm on my way, for the sake of the way itself.
The devil is in the details that manufacture a perception of convenience. Sometimes the failures in relationships or personal and the denial to face them, complicate situations and their lives much more than need be?
I believe we forget who we really are.
Do You realize, the amount of energy it takes to create the frame of lies to support the denial and a roof of defensiveness?
People on the outside judge the actions and the success and failures, but the misery one carries on the inside- out of sight from the world, still eats away at the self esteem, self respect, sense of peace, truth within, to feed the hunger of the growing fear and self loathing.
I can't disagree. I have been so concerned for so long with what others have thought. My knowledge while a wonderful thing, has not brought me joy. I am aware of how attached I've been. Certainly I want to recover my health, but why? So I can "be" ok? No, so I can meet my own expectations as well as the worlds. No wonder I've been confused. These cycles are back and forth. Awake and then asleep. I hope to lose myself for good.
Keeping silent may be the biggest mistake one can make. In the Catholic church there is the rite of confession, which when done with acknowledgement, repentance, humility and sincere desire to surpass the error actually help in the process of forgiving oneself. Unfortunately, people are rarely truly repentant, which is evident in their daily behavior.
Accepting that you are human and fallible, is one step toward personal forgiveness. NO one in this world is perfect- so why do we hold ourselves to a perfect standard?
Usually as a result of being taught to. If we weren't taught, we learned by error in a line of thought. If only we could be perfect, we'd be loved. If only we were perfect, then I could love myself. This perfection has been destroying me.
Is it because people want to belong, be accepted, and loved that they push for perfection?
For me it has. I'm sure I'm not alone.
Is it because they don't feel like they deserve it inside, that they strive for the appearance of perfection?
Once again, it rings true for me. I am certain now, that I am not alone. If we could read the thoughts of those who walk past us in our lives, or who we interact with -- we'd hear some amazing things. "I'm not good enough, I'll never get this right, I'm a loser, I wish I were better, stronger, more." I bet many reading this thread -- which appears to be many -- think this as much as I have.
Here are some questions of a more personal nature- and I fully understand if you choose not to answer them.
Perhaps later, I'm not interested in "writing" lately.
Are you alright? Is it a result of your health or something else? Are you currently in a difficult stage of your on going health issues?
I have relapsed and have been experiencing tremendous suffering. Some of my suffering is the result of my forgetting who I am, some is simply being ill, much of it is not clear to me but I'm certain my beliefs have been blinding me.
You had mentioned that you were slowly emerging from the disease- and if I remember correctly – to reach a manageable level- or can it be cured or almost cured (resulting in medication for the rest of you life)?
The answer is not known. I am slowly recovering, though I relapse very hard, and I am crippled when this takes place.
What happens on a bad day? Is it joint inflammation alone, or do you have other side effects? I would imagine that would make it hard and pain full to move around. How do you cope?
The symptoms are similar to having the Flu/Mono/AIDS. Combine those three and you'll have a generally good idea. A bad day consists of intense psychological and physiological symptoms. Inflammation is -- I believe -- a primary cause for much of the suffering, which is a result of abnormal immune system function and infection. It is very hard, and I am trying to survive. My will and dreams have eroded over time, and I've become bitter and cynical. I cry out that the world is unfair. I cope existing, but not living. I am fearful of nearly every form of rejection, of being a failure, of not accomplish goals or dreams -- that this illness will own me for many more years. I am trying to live within a paradox, and find balance, where balance can't be found -- or at least I haven't found it. Even should I find peace of mind and go within, the disease attacks my mind on a biological level, and distorts my thinking and feelings. I lose myself, though not in the way I wish to. I lose my ability to be present, to focus, to be clear and hold onto beliefs that serve me and help me.
*smile* I bet you think it is a rosy and naïve view or interpretation of this world. I did read your piece titled ‘Each morning’. You were quite upset.
I bet you're right, and I think I'm mistaken. I think it's ironic.
You may not remember- although I think you do- what sparked the emotion that ignited the anger that you expressed there. I understand that the things you mention are beyond irritating , frustrating, create a feeling of anguish toward where we are heading and enough to want to violently throttle them (I do have an angry streak in me- although I don’t like to go there)
Anger has been an emotion I've felt for many years. Some of it is true anger, much of it is fear. My lack of control, having observed the negative in the world, and my cynical attitude have produced in me a hatred of people who are just like me. I really must forgive others, if I'm going to forgive myself and make further progress.
Personally I have noticed that the anger is usually a sign of an underlying issue.
When I start to notice myself get angrier, I stop to assess what the real issue is. Sometimes it takes me a couple of weeks to figure it out- other times more.
When people start to direct their anger toward the outside world, they are avoiding the issue within them. The outside world reflects the state of people’s hearts inside.
It never serves a purpose to focus on the outside- for the simple reason that you can’t change anyone else but you. You have control over you.
For the most part what you've said is true, except that very last sentence. I have -- by experience -- learned that I don't have control over myself fully. I am plagued by illness, and while I am still accountable, I will still make tremendously foolish errors as a result of disabled thinking. I am sick of being accountable for things I didn't choose and don't want to happen. However, this is my life, and I must accept that I am what I am. I have tried desperately to not feel sorry for myself, though I am sure I have felt very sorry. I would say that I think I need to feel sorry, because I suffer despair daily. I am a human being, I can not take an everlong barage of beatings. I believe I am strong enough to overcome this disease, but a belief is not fact. The fact is, I'm slowly healing. It is unknown whether I will recover, it is unknown what will happen. A slow recovery does not mean functional, happy, or normal. I occasionally experience partial functionality. Those watching me would almost believe nothing were wrong, but inside the pain is present. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, I feel fatigued, my joints bother me, my organs hurt and don't work correctly, it is a bit like slow tedious torture. Like the ocean eroding a cliff. Sometimes the waves are tremendous and violent, and sometimes a gentle current, -- but either way, the cliff continues to slip away.
To try and change everyone else only creates a feeling of overwhelming despair at the extent of the task to convert everyone. It is self defeating when you fail as a result of betting heads time after time with others with the same attitude on the other side of the fence.
Completely true based on my experience.
Living by example is what people see and trust, and once you have your mind, and heart in order, then you can start to take on larger issues out in the community- and people will follow, because of your integrity.
Once again, my experience confirms that as well.
Gandhi was right when he said “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.
Her certainly was, is.
Another question –(this one just for contemplation); why do you want a relationship?
It is a question I debating writing down- but I decided to do so on the condition I also put the question to myself. And I have (It is only fair).
Relationship? I'm not sure I understand.
There is a book called “Mentally Speaking” written by Stephen B Stokl, MD, a Canadian Psychiatrist who discussed the different facets of human behavior using Humor and with a Christian conscience. It is not as dry as some books can be- and the humor is very refreshing. He strongly believes that humor creates the best results.
I share the following anecdote from the book- had me laughing for a good day- actually I still chuckle- there is a stark resemblance to my brother’s communication skills.
A young man called his mother and asked her how she was doing.
“Oh not to good,” she said, “ I Actually have been feeling very tired and weak lately.”
‘Why are you so weak?” asked her son
“well I haven’t eaten in 39 days.”
The Son was shocked. “39 Days?! Why haven’t you eaten for such a long time?”
“ I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food when you called!”
Isn’t guilt a marvelous thing?
Funny story. Guilt, thankfully I don't face overwhelming amounts of that.
ps- as for the constructive criticism- I will answer shortly- but first I want to know what YOU think it was about. You may help me prove a point- or not.. we'll see *smile*
I'm really not sure, but I suppose it's about being present in order to see what can't be seen otherwise.
Posted: 8/5/2007 2:54:46 PM
It makes sense. If that is the way that you best understand it, then use what works.
Posted: 8/5/2007 6:24:28 AM
Title: Where Will You Find Yourself?
What does it mean to really live "now"? What does it mean when each new year passes and we're one year older, one breath closer to death -- what does it mean when injustice and the wicked of our world never seem to lose and we're continously challenged to accept unacceptable events. Others will convince us to withdraw, let go, give in, compromise -- but what happens when we do this, and accept the unacceptable?
I've never quite figured out what it really all means. My ideas change with my will. I understand what it all means, but I've never really come to a conclusion in myself, deeper. My will is always in my own best interest these days, and that's unfortunate because for me that's a failure for in choosing to be a higher version of who I've always been, a choice made when my house of cards has fallen and at the end of the day I'm disappointed with myself and my choices. I don't make these choices because I'm self-centered, but rather I am self-apathetic, a tired and complacent man, who finds himself running nowhere as though my life were an eternal treadmill.
So what does it take today for me to escape from myself? There is no escape. There is no where I could run to escape from myself. There is a deep need to forgive and feel redeemed that presents itself. With the judgment we make, there comes the inevitable need to change our perception and ideas about ourselves and our circumstances. One man's blessing is one man's curse -- and one man's curse is sufficient. He may not be where he wants to be, but at that moment he is where he is -- to change the circumstance always requires accepting reality for what it currently is. If we can't accept reality, we can't hope to make a different choice and thus move beyond.
There is a collective consciousness which we're embroidered in - I am one of many among the whole, where our will and our ideas influence the world daily. So what does it mean to live "now?" -- I think it means turning everything over to the present moment, turning everything over, and turning yourself in -- leaving nothing left, having nothing to defend, nothing to want, simply taking a breath, and noticing now that it is moments like this one -- side by side -- that encompasse your entire life. When we let it be -- even if it's unacceptable, we don't have to accept it for lack of a will to intiate change, but because we simply don't know how to change it, or are powerless in our own way to do so now. There will come a time when the change will open a window, letting the light and an exit sign appears. We can now get thru and get out!
This leaves us with what we do have power over. Are you satisfied with your passions; having found your place, or do you yearn for something somewhere other then today? Do you have resentments, lonlieness, a sense of low value and despair -- or do you move each day as though it never happened?
Injustice, and the wicked of our world -- whether disease, criminal, or simply unfair events that we perceive and could do without plunge us into difficulty and darkness. Everyday we're faced with loss, our hope eroded by a world that is literally hanging in the balance. Well I ask you all these questions?
Everyday, we have an opportunity to be so much more then we were yesterday, but it takes a counsious effort on our parts to be willing to face reality as it is, and decide how we're going to move forward. Are you moving? What do you want to see come of your world -- what reality will you create next after you accept this one?
--Michael David Parent, Title: Where Will You Find Yourself? Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Posted: 8/5/2007 6:03:51 AM
Ok, I do have some questions, and some theories, but to be painfully and completely honest, my experiences is limited.
Ask them. Yours and mine both.
I agree. The desire for emotional connection with others is exhibited at different level of the social experience. The need to belong in groups whether they are on a global scale (countries, war, political), national scale (such as social class, political, clubs and sports Leagues etc.), and then on a somewhat smaller and closely knit community scale ( such as church, acquaintances, volunteer groups, and poker night buddies), and family scale (direct family, relatives, and close friends). Next level of intimate would be Significant other and children, and then The Most intimate of these relationships would be with yourself and between you and your maker. (in my opinion).
When you have a partner that demonstrates that they desire, appreciate and love you for who you are on different levels and different facets must be an incredible feeling of validation and connection on the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. One would probably feel happy.
Certainly, if they were capable of accepting the connection.
I would hope out of honor and respect (if no longer out of love) an effort was made to continue the communication or take it to a new level.
In my experience that is always the case. It is from the outside looking in that people judge a lack of effort.
If this is no longer possible because the dedication is no longer mutual, ideally the final communication providing closure should be made.
Point A to point B logic doesn't work with human beings, since we are not capable always of living up to the ideal for every given situation, including relationships.
I can understand delay in ending is promptly, it would take time to work out details and come to terms with it. Letting go of something familiar (even though it is toxic) is never easy to do. I realize sometimes fear of change, not wanting to hurt the other or even fear of being alone again can terrify people into accepting status quo. In some cases, There can also be a many more people to consider or issues to juggle when deciding to act or not.
The devil is nearly always in the details. The complexity of real life is everything compared to the shadow of understanding people think they have of someone's failure in a relationship while standing on the outside looking in.
NOW taking into consideration the desire to be happy by having a connection with someone that desires you. Cultivating those connections with people where the appreciation, respect, love, trust, honesty and loyalty are mutual will make enhance the happiness within. Would Love magnify the happiness two souls share which would then fortifies the love, increases the respect, and purifies the truth an d honesty? Or is that just too naïve to believe?
People come from all sorts of backgrounds. Love in terms of how humans experience it and think they understand it, is often naive and limited. While some would give their life for their belief in love, often their ability is not strong enough. Relationships are one of the areas where people can be broken, their love can be stretched beyond their capacity. Often breakdown in relationships are the result of both partners floundering. One may be under the impression they are superior and quite "right and good" -- but that usually isn't the case. Usually the cheated is just as limited and ignorant as the cheater. The shortcomings may be in different areas, but they fall short none the less.
How many people expect their Partner to bring, create or make their happiness?
Is that a realistic expectation?
Why would we make the other person responsible for our personal happiness?
Probably as a result of the individual failing to do it for themselves.
Personal happiness is just that- personal- for us to define, establish and create- is it not?
Some are not capable of being happy. Many fall short as they don't have the tools. They seek out the tools and fall down. Many try to get back up and try again and again and still never find it.
Would it be fair to make someone else fully responsible for that, which only you hold the key to deciphering in your head and heart?
Little is fair in love and war. Ironically it is just that which rises inside the individual struggling to be loved, and to be loving.
And if you put yourself on the other side of the table, would you want to be responsible for someone’s happiness?
Some would say yes, but of course many would say no. It all depends on what level of happiness, and what the integrity of understanding is, that drives one to want to be accountable for that. Most people can't even find away to make themselves happy, so we should expect very few would be capable of making another happy.
What is the other person dropped the ball and disappointed you- by not making you happy all the time? I think this happens more often than we realize. I have seen it, and am well aware that I once held that idea.
It happens constantly, and it always begins in childhood. Many people don't realize that all concepts of self-responsibility-happiness-love-joy-courage are the result of what was externally given. People often believe they have super-human-powers to manifest out of thin air the filler for the deficits they experienced in childhood. A human being can not create "self" from within until "self" has been created by the caregivers from the external world. This is why counseling is so important in this day and age. Many of us have been deprived of fundamental human needs. We have had enough needs met that we can survive physically, and perhaps even mentally for a lifetime, but the quality of that survival is significantly impaired if human needs are supplemented and filled even into older age. When deficits are present as a result of neglect or parents who were not capable themselves of being happy or of filling their own needs, it will of course be passed along. This later infects other "close" relationships.
Could it be that the feelings of being trapped, isolated, unwanted and unfulfilled be born of our own lack of personal and relationship maintenance of the spirit and connection?
I don't think it's for a lack of trying, as all people do their best I believe to fill their needs, yet many don't know how to do so in away which is healthy for their long term quality of life.
What if it was us that let ourselves down?
Only we can be responsible for our own downfall, even if we were powerless to change it or stop it. As I said, understanding that many of our human needs have gone unmet, thus manifesting in poor relationships, doesn't change the fact that the only one who will be judged in the end, is the individual who fell short, regardless of intention or reason.
Why would you go outside of the connective unit to seek solution instead of within it?
The same reason people turn to drugs, alcohol, and various addictions. Anything that serves to fill a need, even if only temporarily -- will be embraced, especially among those who have no other information available to them, or who have massive deficits of "self".
I am aware and understand that love is a difficult topic, because there are so many points of view. I am grateful you have shared this, because it is not often I get to see a man’s point of view on it. Hope you are having a great weekend. Take care.
I try not to give an opinion, but rather point out facts. My opinions are rather useless I should think, but facts can at least help support truth. It is my intention to never use facts to obscure the truth. Human beings can be broken, like iron, like anything of this world. We can be tricked, fooled, we can be deceived, and we can often be simply unfortunate.
In the end, people must draw lines in the sand and set limits. We have laws as a result. It is true that liars, cheats, thieves and criminals who murder still must pay the price, even if they experience redemption and experience the full frontal remorse that sometimes results in their awakening.
Posted: 8/5/2007 5:37:52 AM
I hope I understood this, if not please clarify for me. Are you saying in effect,..
Each minute and each hour and each day is the mortar and the bricks for what we
build our dreams and our future. If we fill these moments of our days with
substandard material and sub-par moments, we are compromising the infrastructure
on which we build and create our dreams and fulfill our hopes for the future.
If we want to have a life of quality, we have to realize that the moments of NOW
are the building blocks of tomorrow. What you choose each moment, is what
you are investing in the future- your future relationships, goals and dreams.
That is correct.
You share a slightly different perspective and expression I have not considered
on this topic...something to contemplate further.
Now you have.
What are your thoughts on the causes of these attitudes?
Ignorance. Though not a disease, it is a human limitation.
Do you feel it stems from a loss of family values? Moral values? Do you feel there is a sense of entitlement? Any thoughts on where that attitude may come from? Why do YOU think people don’t accept accountability?
All of the above and more. Human beings are not infinite, and the illusions we create are often a result of psychological protective barriers. As animals living on a planet in which we're expected to fight and survive -- survival of the fittest sometimes translates into survival of the most protected, and sometimes protection comes at the expense of happiness. Unconscious defenses, cultural teachings, social lessons, historical acts, our parents behavior -- spoken and unspoken, all interact to produce in us repetitive and redundant acts and thought patterns. They may not appear to serve a purpose logically from the short sighted view, but in the large scheme, they fill a need. Ignorance and denial have great power in that respect.
I have noticed this too. A lot of people just sometimes can’t stand to be alone
(especially with their thoughts), if they find themselves in the position, they
find something to do to keep them busy and face their thoughts and fears. The
irony may be that if they did, they might get to know themselves and their
situation better, and move past their fears.
More than likely, but as usual, it is easier said than done. For me, as a writer, I express in my writing my truth, but it does not bring me closer to experiential wisdom. I am at best made acutely more aware of these concepts I discuss, but I am not brought closer to reconciling my own personal faults and short-comings.
You mention that we need forgiveness,.. the most important forgiveness we can
give is forgiveness to ourselves . A lot of people judge themselves harshly for
what have or haven’t accomplished. There is a perception that one has to be
perfect in society. Have you noticed this? It is the standard of perfection
that we measure ourselves against, and then judge ourselves harshly when we
don’t measure up.
This is very real. I am consumed by it. The quotes speak true to the experiences of my life and of the concepts of my writing.
Posted: 8/5/2007 5:23:28 AM
this quote made me think of you,.. and your experience,..
"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could havedone better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly ; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause."
- Theodore Roosevelt
I have read quite a bit about TR, and I respect him fiercely. His words are powerful most to those who know how he lived, and this quote comes from a man who walked the talk, and I should say he walked it far better than he talked it.
hey , if you are up for writing challenge,..and a test of your vocabulary, how a bout this for expanding and pushing your minds limits.
" how would you describe your voice?" (describe it like your would a wine and its suble flavours and bouquets) (*muah haha!!)
- you have probably just come to the conclusion that I am evil,.. (lol)
Perhaps later, I'm not interested in "writing" lately.
Posted: 8/5/2007 5:20:48 AM
To Be Discovered is a well written piece of work. It is important -- I should think -- to not only use adjectives, but to explore personal context, or character context. Without it, you are simply displaying words without giving yourself the entire picture. The piece is written in the first person, yet nothing about that person's circumstance, neither in fiction or fact, is present. A process is being exposed, yet for what reason?
What is your opinion on such constructive criticism?
Posted: 8/5/2007 5:13:57 AM
I have just had a quite moment to properly read and focus on ‘I Will Carry My Cross Where I Don't Belong’, and I don’t know what to say.
That writing was entirely an act of creation, it is symbolic, semi-autobiographical-fiction, without form or intent driving it. There are religious overtones, and the isolation and desperation of the main character connects the reader with their own experience in carrying their own cross.
When I first sent you an email- I had mentioned that I sensed you had wisdom beyond your years of someone who had been through a lot. The imagery of the dreamed conveyed if but a small percentage of the anguish and torture you felt , holy sh*t- excuse my French, but holy sh*t. By the end of it, I am sobbing and speechless.
Without conscious intent, I invoked a brief feature film in the mind of the reader, bringing home the experience of total, complete desperation. The loss of hope, and slow death in which each of us are capable of experiencing. I contrasted Christ's testing in the desert, his death, and the story of Job.
This one reflects and mirrors things you have written about yourself and experiences, in other posts. I want to say something- but what? I wish you didn’t have to feel so alone or endure all that, but I know I was something you had to go through,. This experience, as infinitely difficult as it must have been to go through is 2 or 3 rungs of the ladder that has brought you to this awareness.
The story continues through the present. The character wakes from a nightmare, yet only to encounter another. The nightmare continues through the present for it's author.
I have nothing to offer – even at this late point in time- except my tears for what you went through (actually , I’m sobbing), a sense of feeling proud for you and the strength and courage and perseverance it has taken to get through it- ( EVEN if you don’t believe me and even if the word of a stranger doesn’t hold much weight- I am proud of you).
Finally, it is not much, but I offer a hug, maybe it’s too little and way too late, but its from the heart. now i need to get a kleenex,...
I certainly believe you and and know the empathy and sympathy you have expressed are real, but I should hope you would find something valuable in the experience for yourself, not for me, as I have already detached myself from receiving any consolation. The years lost are dead and over, and nothing can bring them back. Time is the most precious gift we have aside from life, yet it was stripped from me, and remains that way through the present.
I read John Fowles Biography, in which I am intimately acquainted with his experiences, and the loss of his wife to Cancer. When in those final pages the author, Eileen Wharburton displays her death, and Fowles reaction, I was reduced in any neutrality I held for the circumstances. The truth was, his story reflected my own life in many ways. The cold, isolating and distinct reasoning. A lack of sympathy or interest in anyone's circumstances but his own. A selfish man in many ways, and yet in many others quite "giving" -- though everything he gave was always to benefit him first, to bring him pleasure first. I do not look down on him for being what he was and is. As I suspect in all cases, people do the best they can given their model of the world.
John Fowle's life validates my own. My disgust with certain people, places and things, my internal self centered struggles. It gives permission, where it's not needed, to be who and what I am. I am the result of the circumstance befallen me.
Posted: 8/5/2007 4:30:59 AM
Any time you combine 2 passions, in your case music and writing, and you follow your heart, You WILL have success. I sense you are driven.
Excessively, though my ill health prevents me from fulfilling that drive.
Any idea what you feel may keep you from finishing a song? Is this something new you have wanted to attempt?
I'm not quite sure. Probably the fact I haven't learned the mechanics of poetry making, lyrics, and the fact that I'm ill and fearful the results will be the same as they've always been. I wander in circles. There is sadly nothing anyone can do that I know of. The advice I receive to overcome my health is always rehashed suggestions I've heard too many times.
You had mentioned following 'form". Do you find you get tangled in trying to follow form? I know there are guidelines to follow when writing songs, but I have often wondered stressing over the form/layout instead of focusing on heart and content is what causes writer's block?
In many cases writers block is the result of being "self-conscious" while writing. It is the result of that and expecting a creative piece to be brought into existence from near nothingness. Creation is intuitive for me, not logical, however the structure and form, and theories of all variety of writings that presently exist, allow -- if I'm exposed to them enough -- me to evolve in my personal ability, which can sometimes for the professional writer evolve into an entirely new genre. The key as far as I know, is to focus on the process simply for the function it serves, rather than the outcome it might produce.
What attracts men the most on women's profiles?
Posted: 8/4/2007 9:58:57 AM
A great picture of the person.
Posted: 8/3/2007 8:08:07 PM
I've seen it. The actor in that movie has come a long way in his career.
Posted: 8/3/2007 4:16:31 PM
I agree with what you've said. Here is another story, primarily driven by observation, personal feelings, and my experiences.
Title: Each Morning
Each morning most Americans wake up, waddle their fat asses into their kitchen, open their fridge, -- sigh -- then move on to the coffee maker unaware of the shocking, and incredibly obnoxious nature of our society. You pour your cup brewed with Columbian richness, and sulk in your bathrobes at the thought of another mundane day at the office sucking the bosses****with the sincere hope that he won't fire your sorry ass for being five minutes late....again.
"That's not me!, you declare vehemntly." What does this profane rambling have to do with me, you might ask. It has everything to do with you. What you may not be aware of, though possibly conscientious of and simply don't care is that the world is filled with little hope and a lot of shit. Behind the**** leaders we follow, the lies we swallow and and the hump who heads his own reality TV show is a world of murder, violence, conspiracy, and....the reality of the world we live in.
The vast majority of wealth in our world is acquired at the expense of others, -- usually in the form of hacking up a mother and her child as they lay exposed on the sun scorched earth in some third world country you can't pronounce, or better yet...don't even know exists.
To you, me and most idealists, we're trapped in our do-gooder mentality of saving the whales, the planet and searching out environmentally polite alternative fuel sources. In truth, that's another euphemism for a waste of ****ing time and a shunt in the pocketbook of almost every leader of the free world who would rather put a bullet in your cortext than see his profits bleed out because some skippy hippy named Chad wants to save a few baby seals -- which by the way are being clubbed as we speak and continue to be sold for their precious seal shlongs. Seriously, you think I'm ****ing kidding, but seal****gets more than a few china-men hard as they read the communist manifesto while selling arms around the world that usually end up in the hands of some AIDS infected African war lord with a chip on his shoulder.
Now I know you're shaking your head as you read this -- perhaps you've even stopped reading in disgust grumbling to yourself "Ok now, he's finally lost it," but the fact remains that most of you politically conscious keyboard warriors can't pronounce most of the words I'm saying, much less be expected to actually understand the illuminating significance of this insight. The leaders of the free world are saturated and wrapped in the entrails of your most well known heroes. Every idol of the 20th century that comes to mind who was assassinated, conveniently disappeared, or got head in the oval office was involved consciously in the genocide of millions around the world in order to maintain power and retain ungodly amounts of cute little green pieces of paper with the man who invented the lightning rod on the front.
Here is where it gets really interesting. If you're hot and bothered at this point go ahead and keep reading, I'm sure if I haven't insulted you individually yet, you'll find cause before concluding what you consider an aimless and untrue portrail of modern international affairs. Don't worry, my attempt at incessant pomposity won't be lost, I promise.
The vast majority of weapons -- Israel, Iraq, Iran should come to mind here -- haven't landed in their eager hands by accident. It hasn't occurred by cosmic coincidence. The leaders of the so called free world -- Democracy anyone?; are quite clear in the choices they make each day to keep a blindfold on the eyes of the population. We sell nuclear arms, AK-47's, Glocks, Uzi's and other assault weapons to the very people our favorite news networks claim are our enemies. Osama mama mia! I shit you not, we're responsible for the very chemical weapons, munitions, and biological agents landing in the hands of the dictator we deposed in recent years. We've disseminated, distributed and thus facilitated the murder of millions of people, all the while captain Christian sits in the white house while his lush of a daughter smokes some blokes hog in a Washington pub for pocket change so she can purchase pot and ecstasy.
The UN that everyone speaks so highly of is the so-called humanitarian hankerchief wiping the ass of our master and chief. The UN alone, dictated primarily by U.S. policy, with the permanent members each selling billions in weapons installation across the globe is the same UN that drops food supplies, medicine and other necessities to the very people they're killing. It's cheaper to appear as though they care, sending such shipments all the while profiting from the war machine they've produced which has led to the inevitable conclusion.
The only thing the United Nations is united in is the ancillary unity and compassion they display while committing the most manacing atrocities humankind has ever seen.
Ironically, we're too stupid, naive and fat to give a shit, so as you drink your luke warm morning brew, remember someone is dying in a civil war which every gun runner, politician, and despot hopes will continue until the end of time because peace does not generate profits.
Enjoy your java, oh, and remember...don't worry, be happy. You'll probably be next afterall.
--Michael David Parent, Title: Each Morning, Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Posted: 8/3/2007 2:48:02 PM
Nice job, keep evolving as you feel the need.
Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a voluntary failure to comply with tacit or explicit sexual (or, less commonly, emotional) morality, such as commitment to monogamy.
This deeply painful concept is embedded in the social fabric of human societies dating back thousands of years. Whether within a marriage, an unspoken bond, or the verbal agreement of exclusively -- infidelity can be found among both genders, and across all ethnic, and religious backgrounds.
Is it all to unfortunate for those who find themselves trapped in relationships -- where they've found themselves unable to cope with the conflicts that arise from a quiet despair that plagues so many relationships today. The void some fill with the love of another often compromises more then just their relationship, but something far deeper -- the heart of another, as well as their own.
Cheating in committed relationships is far more common today then it's ever been in the history of human relationships. Rather than talk about the technical aspects, I'd hoped to talk about an experience that I'd had long ago. While I wouldn't technically consider this infidelity in the most common context, it may as well have been.
Is it any wonder that it's not just sex we long for, but that emotional connection to someone else -- usually of the opposite sex -- where we feel we have another who desires us, makes us feel moved and real? In a lot of dead relationships, where communication has broken down to a point where romance is replaced by despair, love is replaced by fear of being found out, and guilt rises to the surface of consciousness poisoning and paralyzing the soul. Men and women alike dishonor each other - and some of you reading this have likely been on one side or the other.
Trust, honesty, respect, loyalty, -- these qualities bond us to those we love, and when basic social premise are compromised, the deepest wounds can be inflicted on the person we'd long hoped we'd avoid hurting. It's a conflict to have needs, and enter a commitment and one day find that the love which once shrouded you, is gone -- you lay naked and cold experiencing the distance between you and the person you thought would never abandon you. Often these special others in our lives don't abandon us with mal-intent, but our perceived sense of lack leads us to stray. Whatever their reasons -- those who commit infidelity tread on the darkest of arduous roads that intimacy can afford a human being.
In the end, neither person -- the cheater, or the cheated ever really heals from the damage done once the truth is known
Many people have stated unequivocally that infidelity is totally unacceptable, but perhaps their reasoning isn't rooted in morality as much as it is in guilt. Perhaps in their past, they had many moments of infidelity. While a person might never sexually stray in relationships. Is it really any different? Most would justify that it wasn't, but the truth was, if you're doing that, then chances are you're unhappy in many ways, and feel you have any options. We reason at those times that our actions couldn't hurt anyone, since we're not wasn't acting on them.
How much of a mistake is it that we as a society and our culture can accept that only the action of infidelity brings consequences? There is a price to pay for longing in your heart, just as much as meeting someone in some obscure place to be passionately consumed with instinctual lust.
Maybe it's time I rethink infidelity in a broader context, stop judging others and seriously reconsider the complexity and context in which so many people hopelessly fall into the trap of this error. We often assume the cheater's objective is self-seeking -- which is true -- but we add the connotation of devious conscientious calculation, viciously seeking to only have their needs met without any remorse or care for those they're cheating on. We call it evil, claiming they have destructive intention. Sadly, in most cases this couldn't be further from the truth. There are many cases where vindictive hearts, deceive and betray while entirely aware of what they're doing, but I'm speaking from the other perspective.
Maybe it's time you rethink your own moments of infidelity. Have you made mistakes, and hurt others -- filling your needs at their expense? Have you found yourself trapped, feeling isolated and unable to meet your needs while trying to do what is right?
What is right is difficult to say -- but I think it's safe to say that our fundamental character should be the measure by which choices we make. Will the choice we make injure us -- even if we're not caught, even if no one else knows? We know -- does it level us, leaving us open to making poor choices in the future on other events? Will we compromise in other areas where trust, loyalty and honesty -- among other things -- are central to our lives?
Today I understand why I felt the way I did in some of relationships. I was in the wrong relationships at the wrong time in my life. I had not found my princess. I'd sacrificed miss-right, for miss-right now. With ill notions, and immaturity, I'd fallen into the trap in my youth of selling my soul, even if only in my head. With mistakes made, and lessons learned, I've made the choice to end relationships when I notice these trends developing today. If I'm straying in my heart -- then I know I've already communicated my feelings, said my peace, and still found myself alone. It's time to end it at that time, immediately. I can't tell anyone else what is right for them, but I can sum up my own thoughts. I'd rather be hated for the truth, than loved for the lie and I can't deny what's really in my heart. Betray another, and you betray yourself.
--Michael David Parent, Title: Infidelity, Thursday, April 20, 2006
Posted: 8/3/2007 11:53:27 AM
It has a lot of potential, it's good, what is the experience driving the content?
Title: Do Not Conform
I've been thinking about my existence, and of a life bigger than my own. I've been thinking about generosity or the lack there-of in our world. Are we to blame? It doesn't just transcend financial transactions, but the relationships we share, the jobs that pay us, the way in which we allow this worlds standards of wealth, appearance, and desire to define us and paralyze us . Has it ever seemed so dark, and yet the world is quite happy to have it be this way. There is too much to lose (or gain) if only the understanding of this illusion were present. I'll give, but you "better" return it with interest! I'll support your bill and donate generously, if my corporation slides beneath the radar -- give me immunity. Give me Enron, ... before the failure and fall.
Everyone's got a price, but in the end it's all for a life that will never find it's fill in fighting for another dollar, and another day. Eventually there will come a day when there will be no more in her life. How much more can she take, without meaning in her life for something greater than herself -- where the dollar ends, and she begins. She can't work her way to grace. No one can ever become truly human until they recognize that all hope rests on their ability to live to give, not to consume at the expense of others.
All the failures in my life and in our world come at the hand of believing that nothing can fail us here, that our relationships, that our goals, and dreams are never ending -- that somewhere beyond today, rests our salvation. I'm not buying it. People will fail us, our health can fail us, I.....will fail you -- what is left? I'm looking for something more, something beyond the setting sun, where I belong -- where all things are made new, and only the losers truly win. If you can't let go, and lose it all -- then you can't hope to know the freedom that comes from being detached from that which imprison us here.
Our next paycheck imprisons us -- our next bill, our next desire, our next fix and fill, -- when will all these failures rise and awaken in us to how it could be. Everyone is scared, everyone of us reading this -- We're so afraid to be alone, abandoned, to be failures, -- we've all been hurt, and we're all in need of something greater than this infinite loneliness we're coddling in our atrophy and acceptance of the unacceptable. We're all frozen, and numb, feeling stuck and dying for motion -- fearful that it will never come -- we're dying to move and be moved. Love is the movement, it is the cure. We all need forgiveness, to feel loved, and to be touched. We all need to learn to breath, to hope, and believe. We're all waking up to the truth that our lives are more then money. Our lives are more then relationships and girls, the cars that give us thrills, the diamond rings our lovers bring, the promises that love would never ask, and not least the things we say -- and the price we pay -- to have fame, and fortune, -- and this chaos leaves us feeling as empty as though they'd never been. These are chips you can't cash out.
Soon this will all be gone. We're not immortal, infinite, permanent, and today is the day -- it's the day where there are no victims or villains, it's the day it all begins with a choice, and where it all ends. How much longer should we hold onto our resentments -- waiting until tomorrow to make amends and connect with the people we really love. How much longer are you willing to wait to face the fears that have slowly eroded your soul, as time seeps away. Will you wait any longer to do this or that -- when will all these failures rise, and our walls fall. Are you who you want to be? Is this how it should be? Imagine how it could be..... This final verse you'll find the words of those far wiser than me. We'll never be complete until we live now, here -- because you don't have much longer.
"I hope to lose myself for good, I hope to find it in the end, but not in me -- it's in you."
- Jon Foreman
Stillness is what creates love. Movement is what creates life. To be still and still movingthis is everything.
-Do Hyun Choe
--Michal David Parent, Title: Do Not Conform, Sunday, May 28, 2006
Guys and Strippers
Posted: 8/3/2007 6:50:15 AM
Great for one night stands and 2 weeks of antibiotics. Are they all insane? No. Most? Probably.
People caring about how strangers view them
Posted: 8/3/2007 4:27:48 AM
I do care sometimes. I am alone primarily, and without growing relationships and support (which sometimes form with people who once were strangers), my chance of surviving my illness decrease substantially.
Human relationships are critical to multiple aspects of individual function.
Posted: 8/3/2007 4:22:01 AM
I have not completed many songs, neither lyrics nor music, that I consider worthwhile. This is one part of a near completed song that I believe will be successful. I base success on content with this one, as that has been the most challenging part. This will require a great deal of editing. Even the title has been established.
Eyes half open:
Hello my friend, tell me,...
How have you been?
Does the sunset, my friend
On your sun burnt skin?
Or does your planet spin
On an axis unknown in a galaxy --
where everythings' failing you now
I'm dreaming with my eyes half open
Living like I'm dying when my hearts been broken.
I'm learning to see,
I'm learning to breath
I've been dying to say
Is all there'll ever be.......
So I'm singing.....
Welcome my friend, to a new day
How are your wounds,... are they healing ok?
It's deeper than the skin.
The hurts that harmed you then
When everything's wrong
When everything's done
Yesterday is gone, it's over
It all begins
In this life you're living in.
But what direction?
Now everyone's waiting
Where can you go, what can we do?
Open your eyes, to sun lit skies
Where the kingdom's coming down
And the tension's calling you now...
I'm dreaming with my eyes half open
Living like I'm dying when my hearts been broken.
I'm learning to see,
I'm learning to breath
I've been dying to say
I'm calling your name.......,
Hello my friend,
I'm screaming your name.,
Hello my friend
Tell me, how have you been,
Yeah, yeah, hey,
Hello my friend, how have you be.
--Michael David Parent, Title: Unknown, Unfinished
Posted: 8/3/2007 4:11:02 AM
It is perhaps more progressive in content and sincerity than any works you've previously done I suspect. The content is familiar to most people, the structure while immature is of no importance, as it will progress with further writing. The process of the writing as it took place is what I place value on. If the process was a transition smoothly moving from point to point, or driving emotional charge, then it is worthwhile. If intellectual challenge and focus brought about "flow" or "being in zone" -- then it is worthwhile.
To me, and this will likely remain my view until my life ends, writing is always first to serve the author, it is he or she who learns the most, grows the most, and is shaped by each time they enter the process.
The self-expression is a strong step, though is it entirely honest with self? Is this a moment forged in time, which has finished, or is this an ongoing poem unwritten in your life? I have been inspired to write with the understanding that the writing continues long after the characters on the screen or page have concluded a particular exploration or adversity. An ever evolving and growing work of art is important to me.
Title: I Will Carry My Cross Where I Don't Belong
These events are based on a true story.
Today is his birthday. Into the unforeseeable distance he breaths, endlessly searching for a sign post. Days spent walking in the desert, carrying a cross where he doesn't belong; the scorching sun hangs overhead, and bitter salt burns his eyes as the sweat seeps past each wrinkle of his forehead beyond and through his brow.
There is doubt where faith wanes, there is a sense of urgency, grief and abandonment. Where the birds circle overhead and the musky stench of a rotting corpse beyond the hill side shadows emanates, collectively crashing into his consciousness. With each step, He is reminded of how far he's come, -- each muscle struggling, cramped, blood permeates his sweat pores bleeding thru his clothing.
He collapses. The awkward wooden cross slides from his moist blood stained back, rotating, and then finding rest across his trembling right arm. The bone beneath collapses. The excessive pressure crushing each nerve -- sending wave after wave of pulsing pain across his nervous system thru his dehydrated body. Cracked and bleeding, like kindling splintering -- a shard of bone perforates the skin, blood spurting out, it meets the sand like candle wax. He twists in agony, thrusting the cross aside, the sound alone of bone grinding instills nausea. The wound lay burning with salt and sand. All hope runs dry.
He quickly removes his belt, wrapping it around his arm beneath his shoulder; the blood flow slows, steady, he grabs the cross with he left arm and begins to stand to his feet.
"Why have you abandoned me? Where is everyone? I don't belong here. I don't understand!"
The sound echoes across the dessert floor finding silence. There is no one left. There is only you, the sun, your cross -- and a single soul, longing for home. Soon the coming darkness will descend across the landscape, soothing cool air, tending to sun-burned skin radiates from the west. The blistered flesh across his torso opens. The cool liquid lymph spilling down the side of his abdomen.
Aching joints, torn tendons -- hopeless, and lonely. In a last attempt to appease the creator and cause of his unsurpassed agony he falls to his knees supplicating in prayer for the nightmare to end.
A brilliant amber wave of light sweeps across the desert illuminating and enlightening all things before it.
He stands, raising his arm to shade the light from his eyes. The cascading light rips thru him with a fierce piercing scream, each cell of his body ruptures, burning brightly, -- he suddenly recognizes in an instant that this is not redemption, or salvation, this is judgment. His corpse falls to the ground, singed as embers of ash burning in the wind fall gently beneath the fall leaves on the streets of a small New England town.
The blood stained cross lay quietly on the sidewalk next to a small red tricycle. Along the side etched into the wood it bares the words "It is not I who abandoned you. It is you who abandoned me."
He awakens, breathing heavily, his clothing, pillow and sheets sweat soaked. The gentle fan beside him turns quietly as a cold breeze passes over his skin. His bedroom is dark, the shades drawn down -- a street light blinks on across the street punctuating the darkness. He is alone, fatigued, his aching head unclear and exhausted. He remains ill, and fluish -- alone, and in quiet desperation he rolls over placing a pillow between his legs. With each muscle straining in pain, the tears roll down his cheeks, and he sighs.
A conflict burns within him. He watches them helplessly fumbling for answers they do not have, hoping for his healing, praying for providence. He abandons them because he can't stand to see them seeing him.
He's burning out again, and closes his eyes. As each day passes, he's one day closer to death, one breath closer to an eternal rest. Everyone's watching and waiting for him now as the sun goes down. Everything is running it's course, with a time for all things -- so what happens next?
--Michael David Parent, I Will Carry My Cross Where I Don't Belong, Sunday, May 28, 2006
Posted: 8/2/2007 5:43:13 PM
This writing is a journal entry, it never was intended to be read, though when written I wasn't aware that I had been having a conversation with myself, which distilled a variety of useful ideas and revitalized some older ones.
I think while I sit here, and nothing comes to mind. A concept stirs, but it's feeble at best, inadequate -- but hopeful.
You struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, and difficulty making choices each day you live. With each breath you assume responsibility for words that some times are said in anger, or ignorance, and the outcome is a brutal condemnation of self, especially in those hours we're alone by ourselves.
You've fallen down, disappointing yourself, or perhaps believing you've disappointed others -- yet what else could you do at that moment in time if you were there in that moment in time again as you originally were -- nothing, because what is, is, and always will be. That's eternal.
Sometimes ignorance rings true and thru you -- even when it's always been there --, pouring down these feelings that you have some how failed, fallen short of the glory of who you think you are. Everyone of us needs constant recovery, constant support, because we've all harmed, hurt, and been hurt. All of us: you, me, her, him, and even them over there -- everyone hears that voice talking down to us, telling us how negative things are, have been, and will always be, and we're to blame, or he or she's to blame. We all hear it.
We've all hidden in our bedrooms stirring with that voice -- facing down demons within ourselves about who are, and who we think we should be.
How is it that shame, disappointment, anxiety, anger and fear have such a firm grip on us sometimes in our lives, and how do we overcome in victory? By knowing this truth, that all things can be made new, with the rational understanding of fallibility, and human frailty. We're always frail relative to some force, morally, character, physically, mentally -- we're all susceptible to disease of all variety, to misunderstandings, to incompetence. The strongest metal can be bent and broken, the strongest character can wane under intense pressure.
This world is filled with pain, injustice, and a lot of ugliness, but even in our most dismal moments where we've fallen, we're all struggling to see beauty in it, ourselves and others, and that's our shining grace. We may not know we're struggling to see it, but we are. Every single person on this planet, as it spins unknown in a universe which seems to have come undone -- no matter the poor, the rich, the humble, the arrogant, the common, and the unique -- no matter the label you apply to others, or yourself, we all are doing what we know to be the best way -- both to survive, and to excel towards peace or happiness given what we understand and believe within. And we only know and believe, what we've absorbed from a source from outside ourselves -- a higher power of type, whether human, or experiential. So are you in control as much as you thought?
Unfortunately in our ignorance, we hurt others, we deceive, lie, blame, shame, guilt, and punish ourselves and others because it is the paradox of this world where all things hang in the balance between the tension of how it is and how it could be. We're all debilitated by our inherent inability to know more than we do at any given time.
Ignorance rings true, it always will -- but we don't have to punish ourselves anymore, you don't have to condemn and judge yourself anymore. Enough is enough -- there is a time for moving on to a new understanding. We can all be healed "now" -- always.
You're not just another so and so undeserving of this gift. We all die, we all fight, -- but in the end, that's who we are. We need to die in more ways then one. We can be a dead man down, reborn like spring. We're free now, We'll find forgiveness where we fell, realizing the fall is inevitable, and we are made new by this truth.
We don't have to be lonely, bent, broken and torn -- we can be whole because ultimately we all are born to be kings, and queens of our own personal journey we simply have to claim our crowns.
Let rational reason erode your indecision, facade, fears, and you're failures. Wash it down the drain. There is no reason to carry your pain any further, if you believe that fallibility is a certainty. Even with the wrong intention -- because all wrong, is all right -- it must be accepted, for it is -- we just didn't know how to do it any other way, for all other ways seemed less, in some way, at some level. Don't expect to get off free of consequence for fallibility -- for there always is a cause and effect that affects us, but that is life, that is not punishment, it is merely a con-sequence [Two sequences of time attached, leading one to the other] -- where is the judgment now?
It's impossible to judge another, without judging yourself -- turn it all over, give it up. Forgive them, they didn't know, and neither did you. This is your life, so who are you going to be?
--Michael David Parent, Title: Fallibility, Monday, June 12, 2006
Posted: 8/2/2007 5:31:23 PM
If You find the compliments a bit suspicious I can understand why.- I would probably be too in you position. lol.
I sincerely appreciate when people read my work.
I am not expecting anything in return, I just find a lot of what you write either bang on (in my opinion), or they inspire thought and challenge the reader.
Maybe I am so sadly lacking any type of sharing of thoughts that challenge one to think. The truth is, when you spoke of loved ones you respect and love that would have the most affect on you, you hit a nerve with me. Maybe my experience is why I overcompensate with the compliments. I hope no discomfort was felt. (Lesson learned)
I have no negative thoughts about your interest or compliments of my work. Those I love and respect who have criticism, usually hurtful, are what I spoke of.
In your piece “No death for the living”, you seem to explorer other possibilities outside of religious beliefs, delving into Metaphysical concepts and brushing near other areas of science that bridge into each other.
This is exactly my intention. The writing was in question and answer form as a way for the reader to be brought on a brief journey through their ideas of meaning and purpose.
I have been itching to ask you if have read any works by some certain authors I know have placed one foot outside their areas of scientific or religious expertise, to explore a new level. Do you have any favorite authors?
John Fowles, is one of my newest interests. His works range from existentialism, through personal autobiographic fictions. I enjoy Allen Watts, as well. Neale Donald Walsch interests me.
One of the Authors I want to name is Richard Bach, because you have referred to the concept of everything being intricately connected as ONE. He wrote the ever popular “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”, Illusions , and ONE.
I have no read any of his work, though I've heard some. The concept of "one" is nothing new, but was a profoundly interesting fact that touched a lot of my writing over the last few years.
I have been toying with the idea of sharing one of my poems, or a type of blog I wrote and shared with friends who encouraged and supported me when I had quit smoking. I Had not expected to have all the suppressed anger and emotions to surface as the time progressed and what I learned when I faced the issues in question.
If you are interested in reading them, let me know.
You're welcome to share them, I will read them.
Have you thought of copyrighting your work?
I have fumbled the idea around in my head, though I'm highly self-conscious about my ability to effectively publish works. Publishing exposes me intentionally and fully to a large audience. I will eventually copyright and publish work, if I feel the work is worthy. My expectations are high, though I am focused on the process of writing, rather than the outcome. It is the process which fulfills me, but it is the satisfaction of having completed a worthwhile piece of writing that I and others can read and then say "Now that is different, that is original, unique and individually magnificent.
just how the hell do you do it
Posted: 8/2/2007 4:38:31 PM
You live, you hurt, you grieve, and you do your best not to become cynical and cold in order that you can repeat the process. I try to smile through the pain, but I know others suffer deeply and are trying to just find peace and joy in their relationships. When that pain eludes them, I try to keep it simple, I try to not add to their misery with my own.
is it wrong to end relationship over abortion?
Posted: 8/2/2007 3:57:03 PM
It is unfortunate the consequence. In the future hopefully you won't be colorblind, given all the red flags.
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/2/2007 7:42:09 AM
He is who he is. Honor that, and he'll find his own way.
Have you ever had an opportunity to cheat, and honorably resisted temptation?
Posted: 8/2/2007 7:40:38 AM
Many, many, many times.
Posted: 8/2/2007 7:21:34 AM
I want to take a moment to say how much I appreciate the fact that you are taking the time to share these with me. I know it can be hard to share writings that expose you inner most thoughts which at times is really hard to do. Thank you Mike, for the honor and the opportunity to read and enjoy them.
“Our battles are just won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world”. – Oswald Chambers
Most of these stories involve a character, not necessarily myself. While my writings are highly important to me, they are truth as I experience them, and if the world or others do not like that, I am inclined to simply not care. Of course it does exposre me to criticism and sometimes from the "right, or....wrong" person that criticism can be damaging.
The less I know someone, the less I care, the less affected I am. It is when someone I respect or love, or who I have tried to love but doesn't care about me, opens fire on my personal truths that I am directly assaulted.
A compliment, nor condemnation aren't remotely as powerful as those which come from the mouth of a lover.
You may find this one a big strange. It's highly experimental.
Title: No Death For The Living
Below are not facts but simply my views on the subject of "Meaning of life", "Life after Death" -- and some various philosophies pertaining to the subject. None of these is per-se my final beliefs, but a collection of sensible explanations.
Q: Is it really wrong to want to cross over onto the other side?
A: Not if you personally believe dying is more valuable than living. For some this would be quite reasonable to desire. Certainly I can think of many who would prefer death to life -- and not because they are insane, or irrational, but simply that it would serve them.
Q: Is it a fear of what we will find after we die or a sense of loss on leaving?
A: Personally I think human beings don't want to leave behind what they have learned, and experienced in this world -- unless those experiences did not serve them. We human beings have a tendency to struggle with the concept of ego. We see ourselves as separated, divided, and detached from the process in which provided us all that we're afraid to let go of. Ironically none of us look back and say "I'm afraid to be born." -- we don't grieve or fear the birth of a child that has yet arrived, or grieve that fact that it may not even have been conceived -- and yet what are we doing each time we create another human being? We are bringing order into the world, extracting energy -- collecting it via the genetic code, and building a self reflecting being biologically capable of looking back on itself not as it just is within it's own body, but as it *is* -- the universe manifest, God manifest.
Q: Do we really ever leave this world?
A: That depends how you define world. Is it "Earth" or this reality? Probably not the latter, your body, the energy which flows in and out as an open system [the food you eat, the waste you give off] -- all of that which makes us, us -- came from outside of us, thus -- when you look up at the stars at night, you are indeed seeing yourself, because there is no "self" only a thoughtful concept of self in the mind. Human beings are open systems, subject to entropy and entropy. We are complex, at the expense of our environment, yet we are constantly breaking down. Eventually, all things in this universe fail in the sense of changing. Those materials, elements, which exist on earth one time did not -- they existed in space, perhaps as components of other stars and planets etc. We have meteors, we have comets -- all sorts of things passing by, dropping off various materials which didn't exist prior to their arrival.
Q: Or do we just become another entity?
A: Another entity, as in a living being? Well, probably not given the mechanics of what we know about neurology, biology, and the way consciousness works. We likely return to the same place from where we came prior to birth, and the experience is much the same. It is not "nothing" -- but it is not "something" -- but rather an absence of the self concept. A unification with "all".
Q: When we die does what we have done in this life affect what happens to us?
A: Likely not, for if it's true a higher power made us, should such a higher power be capable of judging itself beyond the living? It is more likely that the "self" ceases to exist, while your spirit [energy], or whichever term anyone wishes to use, returns out into the enviornment, to create heat, perhaps a supply of food for other living creatures. In the end, it is ultimately true that we are all "one". Besides, we all know that Deity has no needs. The very definition tells us that. Walsch states: "All that is, is exactly that; all that is. It therefore wants, or lacks, nothing - by defination. If you choose to believe in a God who somehow needs something, and has such hurt feelings if he doesn't get it that He punishes those from whom He expected to receive it with eternal punishment" --then you choose to believe in a very hypocritical, tyrannical God -- which I suspect is much smaller, more foolish, and probably irrational compared to that which "is" and is not.
Q: What do you really believe?
I believe that God, does indeed exist but quite frankly it would be foolish to accept anyone specific moral reasoning for that God's behavior. Our collective behavior on this planet, and our individual struggles are inherently intrinsic requirements for the process of life to do what it does. People talk a lot about "balance" -- yet it is the very fact that things are "Out of balance" that allows life to even exist. It is a lot of small imbalances without the human body, balancing, then unbalancing -- and hence forth, which allows consciousness, organ function, heart function, cell metabolism and such.
Order in the mind, is the order of spirit. Spirit is the essence of seeking what is in our highest interest based on who we [our self concept] (which was designed as a result of the information we came in contact with, how we perceived it, our genetic predispositions, our capacity) -- interwoven into that fabric is the capacity to self-reflect, to formulate new combinations of experiences and thoughts independent of information that existed outside us -- but the ABC's of our thoughts -- how they are constructed, and our views of reality are still forged from the basic building blocks of information that we acquired from outside ourselves.
A human being were born with no sight, smell, touch, taste, or hearing -- that human beings spirit will experience nothing. This has been observed and studied thoroughly. The mind will cease to allow a self concept to develop. Deprivation would likely lead to entropy and apathy of neurological function, and the creature would die. It may be possible to keep the body alive independently, but not self suffiently.
Does this mean that "Life" doesn't still go on? Well that all depends on whether we define life as we currently have. We see ourselves as independent creatures living on an independent planet -- however, all things in this reality are dependant on "something else" in relationship, in order for their to be a definitive difference at all. Without the sun, Earth would not exist as it does. Without the gravitational force of planets, the sun and the moon -- our tides and planet would not turn as it does, nor would we likely be able to even stand, breath or exist.
We only know things in any sense given our relationship to another thing. Christian, Eastern -- Islamic -- it doesn't matter the religion, philosophy, or scientific explanation -- all human beings are keenly aware of this truth. To seek order and make sense of our existence, and to give it meaning requires a sense of order in consciousness -- for us to have peace or to enjoy living, requires we see living in a larger context.
We have a need to feel united, and the truth is -- we are united with a "God" of sorts, a higher power -- whether you wish to call it your ecosystem, planet, solar system, universe, or all that which is, and is not -- ...the Alpha And the Omega.
In the end, the meaning of life, is the meaning you give it. The meaning of death, is that which you give it -- how you perceive, and experience your relationship to these things will define how they serve you. If you see life as a challenge, filled with opportunities to experience "anything" -- knowing full well adversity and pain are required, that negativity -- and devastation are as much inherent as peace and love -- then you have found that there truly is a time for everything under the heavens.
Heaven is here, the kingdom is here, Buddha is here, Christ is here, the Goddess, the Gods, the Universe, the Life, The Non-God, and all else -- is here "now" -- it's all a matter of whether we formulate order in the mind and seek purpose as to whether we will experience that, or hell. It is unlikely Heaven or Hell exist as places outside our frame of reference, as they are likely the judgment of limited beings. That which is unlimited and "all encompassing" would have no need to judge itself - as it is, that.
--Michael David Parent, Title: Not Death For The Living, Friday, September 22, 2006
Posted: 8/2/2007 7:16:46 AM
What has been your experience when you need to talk? DO you have someone to talk to who will just listen? Do you know anyone who knows, truly knows how to listen?
My experience has been that most people are indifferent. I have close friends who I confide in, and I have other resources. I choose not to talk often. I do know some people who are sincere and willing to listen to things as they are, rather than how they wish to have them be though and I am grateful to know them.
Posted: 8/1/2007 7:34:24 PM
This story is similar to the topic you asked me to consider regarding lessons learned, and the difficulties of life. I think you'll find it useful.
Title: Blessed Is The Man Who's Lost It All
The undisputed, non-degradable words spoken well over two thousand years ago continue to ring true right here in the words which follow.
While you don't have to be a Christian to understand this statement, a simple one course meal of psychology could confirm to anyone that the optimal experience of any human being [what many call being in the zone, or losing oneself to some various challenge or passionate interest] --is that optimal experience is necessary for a person to find enjoyment and peace in some of the most inhospitable environments, or even the home of a suburban youth. Only those who enter this state of mind can enjoy living.
To those who have never known loss -- the opportunity to experience enjoyment in life as more than a fleeting pleasure is not possible. Pleasure and enjoyment are two different concepts, though they can and often do overlap -- but to be enjoyable, one must enjoy oneself in the process. Yet this irony is -- when in the zone, the "self" disappears, lost to an all consuming focus of attention on the activity at hand, whether it be prayer, or shooting a game of pool, or rock climbing -- losing oneself has and continues to be a major theme among all the religions, among psychologists, and specialists in human consciousness. When passionate about something and losing oneself in it, it is interesting to note that while the ego and self "disappears" -- consciousness remains and when the self does reappear, it is stronger than it was prior to entering this new experience.
That is the heaven of which the Bible speaks, it is the all consuming mastery of self which Buddha has spoken. It is in it's truest form, meditation. It is a unity with nature, the world and all things -- where the self ends, grace begins, it is where enjoyment is found.
So what is "losing" it all? Well, In the last few months during my recovery, I've almost entirely forgotten about many of the most adverse obstacles I've faced and overcome during the preceding years up to this point. There is little to suggest that I am not among those who have lost it all. Yet, what happens to a man who *dose* lose all but his physical life, and then is given the opportunity to be reborn in his experience and fails to enjoy it?
What happens when the obstacles and difficulties only served as ends, and the meaning of life has been lost? The momentary relief of the adversity having been faced now requires a new experience, a new goal -- but where is my meaning now? I find myself constantly striving to accomplish a goal, only suggesting that should I complete that goal that my value and self will be stronger intrinsically -- but not because I want to do what I am doing, but because I keep saying I "need" to do it. If one has needs in regards to experiencing peace, enjoyment or optimal experience, then it will always elude them. We are slaves to what we want, and the more we "want" the more we can't have it.
If I'm the chance of rain and the outlook is always overcast regardless of how much closer I am to my destination then I am lost. Now the opposite is that in which someone truly does lose themselves to a passion in which they "want" to do for the sake of just doing it. This is true in most cases where people strive for enjoyment and to experience that "optimal" experience so often talked about in the bible, in worship, sports, or games of various types.
If ones intention is to accomplish an end in order to build themselves, then they are now no better off than prior to originally losing it all. We truly are meant to live for more than self-interest, arguments, and goals in and of themselves. We can set goals in order to gather feedback about the challenges we're facing, but only in respect to knowing full well we'll continue to set new goals after each one is accomplished. We don't "need" to do it, we just love doing it!
This concept is so simple and yet so elusive for me and -- I'm quite sure -- for many others. If we don't practice a set of structured rules to keep the entropy of our thoughts from colliding into consciousness, we will lose the opportunity to enjoy life and we will be self-conscious, self consumed, and entirely anxious.
The intention of living must come from a core value of enjoying the process for the process as it is, not as I want it to be, it must be about the process, not about perfection and this has been a wax and waning difficulty that I have yet to completely overcome.
We are complete now, we are entirely final at all stages of our growth and there is little more that one can do besides accept this eternal truth. It will never change, human beings will always be wherever they are at one particular moment, and to desire to meet a goal or "get somewhere" in order to feel whole, to feel inherently good about oneself, is futile indeed.
I apply enormous pressure to myself to be successful at times in financial areas, romantic interests, sports, and all sorts of activities -- but only in so-far that I am credited and allowed to feel a sense of momentary self-satisfaction. This result is what most would call failure if my intent is to enjoy life and to really succeed at what is the most essential thing that every single person is trying to achieve. Having optimal experiences, really "Living."
Happy really is a yuppie word and this emptiness that comes with a constant striving towards some end which is always in the future but never present, is painful. There is no freedom in collecting more things, more compliments, more love, more... If I am struggling to get approval among a world of approval seekers, -- then nothing ever is complete, sound or finished. Nothing is ever enough in the mind of someone who takes this road, and peace is a mirage that is always out of reach.
I don't like discussing what I consider faults, but here I find that to truly remember any wisdom, I must scrutinize my beliefs and thoughts. When I lose sight of what is really important I'm no longer living, and I've waited nearly a life time to begin living -- after all these years of despair and illness, I have this amazing opportunity now. Will I be a slave to what I want, and desperate or will I enjoy what I am passionate about simply for that in itself, for the consequence of pursuing the goals of fortune, material success -- will be a journey through a wasteland of a nuclear holocaust. Even in the end if I were to give all that I gained away, it is a wasted experience if the entire time I've done it in self righteousness and the shadow of an ego never stifled by the applause, gratitude or love of others. Who do I really have to answer to but myself?
This ego prevents optimal experience, and sometimes perhaps a man has to "keep" losing it all in order to find grace, and save himself. Yesterday is dead and over, tomorrow is a mystery soon to become apart of history -- but today, now -- is the end and the beginning, all that is and ever will be is here now to be experienced.
All people go thru this in different ways, and it's hard to know which parts of ourselves are real, and why our wounds don't heal when we go thru these questions. All we need to remember is that we belong here, and when life is over as we know it, we'll belong there too. We'll all eventually go home. Weak or strong, right or wrong -- we belong, and there is no greater truth.
--Michael David Parent, Title: Blessed Is The Man Who's Lost It All , Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Posted: 8/1/2007 7:31:09 PM
You understood the stories well. Some are symbolic, some represent unconscious desire, some are experimentalism in my writing. Ultimately every piece written strives to "give something" that otherwise wasn't alive.
The descriptions you give about your experience with the writing are quite good. They are the intention of the writing.
I may have other stories I've written revolving around New England settings, but I'll need to review them. I may work on writing on if I can't find them.
The topic you've written about I have indeed covered previously. Let me look to see if I can find one for you.
Here is a piece you may like, though it's a little off-topic.
Everyone dies. And here is the context. Here is where it all begins
As I watch the world turn around me I find the wars, disease, the hurts, the hard-ships, the hungry and the chaos overwhelming -- this terrible scourge on humanity. It is our worst nightmares and moments of darkest despair where we ponder this deep letdown -- the bitter bouts and battles that wage in all of us burn more than skin deep, born of a world where nothing is ever finished and somethings always wrong.
In this disappointment is where we find ourselves -- it's the edge walked where everything is on the line and we've risked it all that everything begins, when there's no-where left to hide, and our true selves emerge.
And so we all have a price. Happiness begins for so many in the suit they wear, the wallet in their rear pocket, and a corporate suitcase in hand -- with the rising sun and the moment they step out onto the porch of their suburban home. A smirk on their face, they linger for a moment to check their Rolex, staring listless out into the streets of their yuppie town as they head off to a job in a cushy corner office, with a cup of coffee on their desk and the world at hand. Driving to work has never been so pleasurable with a pair of bucket seats in a BMW and suddenly the emptyness creeps in, and everything seems meaningless.
Yet, why is it that so many feel lonely and empty -- even with blue skies for miles, and a child's smile staring them in the face each morning -- what have we become when all we'll ever have is right at our feet -- ironically the same place we've fallen.
What is happiness, who are we -- where are we going? Why? What will happen next? As millions of faces ask these questions each morning turning out the same broken record, -- the heartbroken and motionless stand waiting in traffic for a movement to push them into serenity.
Maybe I've been the problem I sometimes think, -- as I lay in bed at night complacent. Maybe I haven't given enough, maybe I haven't become enough -- maybe tomorrow I'll find what I'm looking for? Is it love in the arms of a beautiful woman, the relationships we share with family or friends -- is happiness off somewhere in some distant land that I have yet to visit?
I ask these questions every now and then, only to hear the sound of my own voice trail off inside my head. It's difficult to know how far I've come if I haven't kept score, -- or perhaps keeping score is where the heartache begins?
Maybe the perils of life, nor the comforts and convenience of technology and modern machines and medicines alone aren't enough to invigorate and stir our souls. I see pictures occasionally as I flip thru magazines like Time -- showing the blood and wreckage of genocide in Africa, wars in Iraq, children in Muslim countries, -- places in the world were the earth is scorched and erosion, bombs, starvation and pain are a way of life -- yet in these places and these pictures I see these children smiling.
Maybe happiness is more than the sum of the things we yearn for, maybe happiness really is a yuppie word -- maybe we're the only ones wondering, because survival is assured for most of us, and there are no more personal challenges fought in passion, boredom sets in, meaning is lost -- perhaps we're not the problem, but without the inspiration of someone or something there to wake us up, to tell us -- You're here, and there's a new way, another way, then we've lost it all! The kingdom is here, the hope for another opportunity is here -- with another sun rise, a blue sky and the goals and challenge of living for today outside your comfort zone and frozen routines. What a refreshing concept, our hurts can heal, we can be more than just ok -- and we can begin again,....tonight, at sunrise, sunset, around the clock, and around the world.
We're one, one world, one life, one hope, -- one......chance!
-Michael David Parent, Title: We're One, One world, One life, One hope, -- One......Chance!, Sunday, November 12, 2006
Posted: 8/1/2007 1:18:48 PM
Here is more:
Title: All I Need
You and I have a lot in common, in-fact we're probably more a like than not, though it might be easy to overlook if you and I are strangers. Soon enough that will end and we'll be closer than we've ever been. If we're not friends yet, we soon shall be.
A very special relationship exists between an author and a reader; it is a wonderful opportunity for an intimate exchange of the ideas. As I share an idea, a piece of me is now yours, and that piece was once another's. This interdependent thing we have going on certainly is amazing, wouldn't you say? With such direct communication, we're free to interact in this dynamic way. I am uninterrupted in my attempt to convey these words, and you are free to ponder, evaluate, deny, accept, or perhaps even pause on points and decide for yourself whether these words have any value to you. It is my greatest desire for you to do just that here and now.
With this opportunity, I want to take you thru the heart of some thoughts I've had recently. With Christmas fast approaching, you may be caught up in the hustle to purchase that last present, card or to finalize plans to be on that plane, bus or ride to visit your loved ones. With holidays comes the reality that not everything is right in the world. Between the struggles we have with family, and the loneliness some feel during this season, there exists a tension where we lose ourselves, forgetting our blessings and fussing over the things we're missing. Today, some of that weight will be removed from your shoulders. You'll get it off your chest once I get these thoughts off mine.
Perhaps he doesn't listen long enough to actually hear you. Maybe she's afraid you don't really mean it when you say it. Maybe they've done their best in spite of their shortcomings and you still resent them for the wrongs of your youth. Your bills are due, and what if you lose your home? His alcoholism is tearing your family apart. Her infidelity left you reeling onward through a bitter divorce, and maybe your heart is aching with apathy. Maybe you can't feel anything, and you don't understand why? Do you pray to a God who never seems to come? Illness, abuse, grief, death, hurt, and heartache pull you in multiple directions, competing for your attention when the world around you seems ever ready to remind you that there isn't enough time in a twenty four hour period to ever find the time to really live. Sound familiar?
Where did everything seem to go wrong? Did you miss your runaway train standing at the station alone with your ticket in hand? I realize that for many life is a burden without restitute. Yet, in the middle of all our pain and all the obstacles there is an amazing gift so often overlooked. With so many needs, and so much want -- it becomes obvious to me that much of the suffering we endure is often at the hands of two things. Chance, and our own loss of perspective. Somewhere along the way we stop breathing. We fall for the illusion that we'll be satisfied finally when we reach some sort of finish-line.
Have you become so focused on what you want, and the fact that it appears there is a never-ending list of things to get done in order to "get there," that you never seem to arrive? Is the dream of tomorrow eroding the possibility of today -- as you move forward trying to catch up with the horizon? We all remember as children what it was like riding in the car with our parents. Ahead we'd see that thin line where it seemed the sky and road embraced. It wasn't long until we realized there would never come a time when we'd cross that finish line. It always seemed to move out of reach with each step, each mile -- with every sun set. Living a life of constant want is inevitably leading you down the same path.
What if today is the end? Between you and me, I'd hate to let you go on thinking there is "more time" without reminding you, that there isn't. In-fact you have a finite amount. I say "remind" because this is something you've thought about quite often. If you lack, and want -- you may be missing the entire point of your life. If you have what you need, you are blessed. So many need, and haven't another who loves them, who can hug them at Christmas, or any other day for that matter. There are those in tremendous pain, alone, and isolated as the holiday nears.
You haven't much time; it will "all" be gone very soon. Tell those you love in your life that they matter more than the sum of every want you yearn for. Give those around you what they need, and you will receive what you need in return. Show it, don't just tell them, show it because I can guarantee you that when everything in your life is threatened, and death is awaiting you, that you really aren't going to care about that new cell phone, house, car, job, whatever -- in the end, everything that matters to a human being is entirely dependant on those around them.
You can claim to be independent all you like, but everything in this world confirms that to be false. You are dependant on love, faith, kindness, appreciation, recognition, and the relationships you share with those around you. Without another, you would die. That's quite a thought provoking statement wouldn't you agree? Consider it for a moment. Imagine a world without "anyone" but you. Without air, you haven't a chance. Without food this conversation would end. Without another, you wouldn't be you.
Focus on what you need, and you'll find everything you want. It is those who focus on what they want, and neglect their needs who become ghosts. Don't wait for cancer to come before you open your eyes. Don't wait for the funeral to say what you really think about someone. So many people wait until the end before they're willing to begin.
If you give others what they need, you will be given what you need. It may not be immediate, it may not be given in the way that you want it, but it will be given exactly as needed.
-- Michael David Parent: Title: All I Need, Monday, December 18, 2006
Posted: 8/1/2007 11:23:53 AM
The song learning to Breath is another song by Switchfoot. I perform it sometimes. I do write songs, but I don't understand theory well. Yes I am improving in my health though it is still very difficult. I will post something else:
Title: Can We Talk?
Sometimes a friend needs you just to be present with all judgment withheld, and ten minutes of your time.
They only needed a moment of silence. And before they could get a word in you presumed to know what it was they were going through and what it was they were going to say.
You step up onto your pedestal, taking the wheel and dispensing advice like aspirin, valiantly rescuing them with your quick-fix, one-size-fits-all wisdom that you've told them ten times before. Keep it short, make it quick, brutal honesty will sort out the rest.
The conversation ends in a conflict of righteousness, with them feeling defensive and even more isolated than before you'd come along. You run the point home, because you know better, and the last word is yours for the taking. Finally they submit in silence to your point and in smug satisfaction you say "Glad I could help."
Tomorrow the phone will ring, and she'll be gone.
You gave an aspirin as her wounds were bleeding out.
--Michael David Parent, Title: Can We Talk? - Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:59:03 AM
Thank you for the quotes. No I've not tried to freak you out. There are pieces I wrote many months ago.
This next one is called "The River"
Title: The River
I've found myself contemplating a lot of things lately. This is actually an oddity considering I haven't been writing much, or feeling very much. Generally life has been pretty mundane, my relationship with the church is non-existent, which of course coincides with my lack of passion.
I was considering returning, but not before I'm entirely ready. It seems there is so much going on inside my head, that I can't seem to make sense of any of it.
To clear my head, I went down to Enfield Connecticut, where I used to live. I used to walk the neighborhood, and occasionally go down to the river. There was a spot which few people knew about, where you could drive up near a boating ramp, and park. There are benches, a picnic table, and blue sky as far as I could see. I decided to drive down after an extremely hard workout.
Early that day, I'd been angry -- about a lot of things -- primarily things in my life that weren't going according to "my" plans. This of course always leads to trouble, but in my case, I just needed to work it out. I shadow boxed, weighed chin-ups, squat movements, kickboxing -- and then near the end, as many leg lifts as possible. Just to be abusive I added leg weights, now that's vicious!
By the time I finished, I couldn't even walk. I kind of laid there on the floor twitching, and panting. Quite frankly I'm surprised I didn't black out. Illness and high intensity training often do not mix. I do it anyway, sometimes I like the abuse. It's my way of having some control physically over my own body, which has long been denied to me because of health problems.
After this training session, I tuned my guitar, packed bags, my music pieces, and tossed them all in the car. Once I arrived at the river, I sat in the freezing cold. It was infinitely calming. It reminds me of my place at times in the universe. I sat, awake, guitar on my knee and I played and played. Canadian geese flew overhead, and ducks waddled up the boat ramp in front of me. A few older men came down, and began to watch the animals.
The geese squawked and pecked at each other, struggling to each eat the last pieces of bread which one of the men had thrown down. Watching these animals eat, and seeing the abundant beauty over the river, I leaned back on the bench, tilted my head back and breathed in as deeply as I could. I needed to breath in something, to feel something -- I've been a bystander lately, not feeling connected to the very things I'm observing. As I pulled in this breath, I realized, It was happening all over again. I was learning to breath. Things seemed new, and fresh.
My wants mattered less, my expectations evaporated and I reveled in the peace for awhile. I then picked up my guitar and began playing "Learning To Breath." I infused the song with powerful vocals and more passion than I'd previously been able to muster. The song moved me, and people who had driven in gathered near their cars, -- all within 50-100 feet, and quietly listened.
"Hello, good morning, how do you do? What make's your rising sun so new? I could use a fresh beginning too, and all of my regrets are nothing new. So this is the way, that I say, I need you. This is a way, that I'm learning to breath, I'm learning to crawl, I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall. I'm living again, awake and alive, and I'm dying to breath in these abundant skies. So hello good morning how have you been, yesterday left my head kicked in. I never never thought that I would fall like that, I never knew that I could hurt this bad, but I'm learning to breath. "
I'm hurting still, and the peace eludes me today, but this can't last forever. At least down by the river, I could start over again.
-- Michael David Parent, Titled: The River, Friday, February 23, 2007
Posted: 7/31/2007 6:25:29 PM
Your writing above was profound and interesting. In not writing a "piece" you have created one. That is, in my opinion, how a writer becomes a writer. It begins with a diary, or a correspondence with a friend. Writing is mental art. It, for me, is a way to invoke emotion, dreams, fantasy, images, and new ideas in my reader. I write for me, but I am terribly thankful when people read them.
Thank you for sharing this writing. I wrote We're The Politicians on Saturday, May 05, 2007.
I was inspired by the book written by Anderson Cooper. His autobiography is a testament to excellent writing, as well as talent. A.C. is the news reporter you may have seen on CNN. His book was compelling, painful, tragic and enlightening. His frustration resonated with me and ironically inspired me to write a piece reflecting many of the same things he'd discussed.
I shouldn't say the piece is editorial alone. It is facto-fiction. I mix facts with fiction in portraying some of the characters. The characters reflect real people, but they are paraphrased, sometimes entirely created in my head. I did this as a way of conveying my own desperation and discontentment over the problems in my own life. Mirroring the world on my own life helped me to remember I am not the only one.
Here is another piece:
Title: The Unseen Mysteries
As Jon Foreman writes:
"When success is equated with excess, the ambition for excess wrecks us, as the top of the mind becomes the bottom-line."
Like the grass which grows and the cycles of the seasons, neither the daisy, nor the weeds care much for my ambitions, or the rains which come. They live and thrive on their own terms. They live, let go, and dry and die, and return to the formless.
I used to work to the deadlines, sing to the songlines, planning to live an entire lifetime checking my checkbooks, hiding in cubicles, filing a cuticle, and hopelessly repeating the pattern though it brings no relief, or release from this intuitive discomfort which haunts me, even in my sleep. My mornings start with a broken heart, as I'm sleepwalking in desperation with a knowledge that something's missing, and something's wrong. I despair in the feeling that I don't belong, and that I run at a pace, going the wrong way, against a clock that's frozen in time.
I am the form, capable of being aware of the formless, all too conscious that I'm temporary, yet few of us take note or want to, and our dissatisfaction and death begins each day we wake up living in a man-made world of concrete streets, and neon signs, beneath hanging street lights.
We blame it on our religions and politicians, and all I want is to wake up. Wake me up, I'd rather breath and bleed, than believe the American dream they've sold me, living as the walking dead for nothing more than empty promises, and a sunrise where I'm not alive.
Wake me, I wanna fight..and strike the match, ignite the spark that'll burn out bright. You're the only place I call home. I believe in the unseen, with it's mysteries unfolding before me.
-- Michael David Parent, Title: The Unseen Mysteries, Friday, April 13, 2007
Posted: 7/31/2007 11:59:45 AM
This was not an exercise in fantasy, but rather an editorial piece I wrote on my present feelings regarding the political and social atmosphere of the United States, as well as calamity and world-wide poverty. It is simple in language, profound in content, and generally uninspiring in quality of language -- though it is sincere and touching in respect to the truth it reflects.
I am outraged in my personal life, I am outraged at the atrocity and lack of compassion I see in my society at times. This piece is reactive, and harshly critical of American culture and choices.
Title: We're The Politicians:
I'm eating my lunch, it's spicy, hot, -- scalding, and as discomforting as the experience is it doesn't hold a candle to the discomfort of those without a slice, spoonful, or cup to drink from -- never mind the food itself. Most of our generation couldn't fathom the idea of starvation and death at our doorsteps.
Across the world, from the recent devastation of New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina, to Sri Lanka, to the African nations of Somalia, Rwanda, South Africa and America, and onward, -- to the vast majority of us not faced with dire life threatening events, we have the opportunities to sit in our one room apartments, or our mansions on main st., and either way -- we're living like kings in contrast.
To hear the cry of a mother holding her dead child riddled with malaria, or to ride a bicycle across IED strewn streets, where the rotting corpses of what were once families: mothers, fathers, children, is a daily occurrence for a lot of people.
The devastation and debilitating circumstances which led to countless deaths in New Orleans are nearly forgotten by the news media today and the general American public. A little over a year later, and the bodies have been bulldozed, stacked, dumped, and burned. Mothers who once had names, have simply disappeared. Children's toys line the dump sites, and homes remain devastated.
The smell continues to linger, a stench of death, as the flooded city became a sewer to the bloated bodies of the dead. Animal carcasses -- mostly pets, rocked back and forth like buoys for weeks, as the U.S. Government failed to act.
Today, ongoing crises and anger are heard from the families of the World Trade Center, Katrina, Sri Lanka, and around the world. Anger, and pain -- hopelessly ignored in many respects. A child clings to her mothers leg, wide eyed, as her mother cries hysterically for the loss of nearly all that she loved, a husband gone, and a number of her children lost and yet -- nothing has changed.
Politicians pat each other on the back, and apologize to the public "Mr. President, we're all very thankful for helping the survivors receive the support of the congressional bill. The 10 billion dollars, will help us to make our way home."
Politicians continue to thank each other, while the stench and cries continue thru the present, though to a much lesser degree. The money of Iraq, Katrina -- with half-baked contracts, and those on the take, pocket the difference, with a twinkle of the eye and a smirk on their face. They come with smiles, and knife behind their backs.
"We're terribly sorry about what has happened, it's a true tragedy, we're doing everything in our power to get aid and support to those who need it. We're thankful to the president and FEMA."
A young mother who has lost her children and husband to the storm sits quietly sobbing as the correspondent briefly sighs under the same unbearable frustration the people around him have -- having witnessed these events. "The anger wells up -- "You're sorry? We don't want your god damn sympathy or pity, we want accountability and action. We wanted action and the very support and preparations our city had on countless occasions requested before the storm. And you're sorry? You're all embarrassments to this country, this type of atrocity didn't have to happen. Meanwhile, you all stood by idle, and now you thank each other for a job well done, planning before the dust settles which land you'll invest in, where you can make a buck, and cut the next corner. "
With each disaster, and each war -- there are heroes, villains, and often victims. The reason? Because people collectively choose it. We're the politicians, the ammunition, and we're the problem.
People struggling for survival, angry in the impotence -- having done all they could, and now -- standing before the arrogance of others on the take, and eluding their accountability, is it any wonder they have a bitter taste in their mouths?
That same bitter taste remains in my mouth. Very rarely is anyone sincerely sorry, but rather -- to them, you're just another nobody: just a number, just another patient, just another burden, just another inconvenience they must tolerate until their coffee and smoke break.
I spent years being minimized by physicians, as my family and friends watched me dying. I'm a little angry lately, having re-experienced allot of my own suffering, thru my investigation into the suffering of others, including those of disaster and war survivors. The outcome of my experience shares many similar results, though the means were different.
I recognize that any given person doesn't have all the answers, that our ignorance isn't a disease, but merely our humanity. Compassion costs nothing , and to deny me my humanity was inexcusable, when you neither honor the children, you are accountable.
Even today, as I talk to others, I intuitively understand that they don't understand the pain and suffering of my experience. They weren't there, and they didn't hear it -- but others did, on occasion,other people witnessed the failure of an individual(s) who had the capacity to help, rather than hurt -- and they chose to hurt in face of the truth. Today I am a survivor, but sometimes I feel disheartened when I encounter someone who "doubts" my experience, It brings me right back. It's the same feeling I imagine others around the world must feel when others look back on rewritten history and have forgotten the truth of their plight.
My anger is justified and I feel it terribly, and these others lost a great deal.
Perhaps the grieving hasn't subsided, perhaps the stench lingers, with no end in sight, with no regard for human life many move on unaffected, but I am forever changed. Perhaps I don't want to hear apologies and collect sympathy, but just need to be heard when I tell others "It was real". Perhaps it's just peace I need when I'm confused, but to be doubted, is to be distrusted, and that -- is a feeling which perforates my heart, especially when it's those I respect. I want to feel again, to feel that what happened to me was real, and that what was taken, was real.
Around the world, these vivid images you've witnessed in your mind, are common place, common daily events. It is true that the vast majority won't care, until it happens to them, until it is they or their child experiencing the ruthless brutality of this world. We like to think we're the exception, and that in America these things can't happen -- but they happen here too,....and they happen often.
When will all the failures rise? When will all the fighting end?
Posted: 7/31/2007 11:37:04 AM
The poems were written during the last months of my relationship, though at the time I wasn't aware it would soon ending. I knew deeply that I was discontented and I felt deeply resentful towards my ill health and of my relationships. The pieces are a reconciliation of my anger, hurt and of feeling rather useless and then turning those feelings over, accepting reality as it was. I had been nearing the finish of reading "The Message"a paraphrased version of the Bible. I had spent about one year reading the 2,500 page volume and the concepts of Christ's sermon in Matthew were illiciting an overwhelming pain that I had long stored while struggling for my survival from doomed health. The combination of personal conflicts, psychological confusion, spiritual apathy and ill health drove me deep inside to a creative core.
The inspiration of the sermon reached me, and I felt one day intensely desperate to express the dual emotion. The pain of being separated from life and God, -- the feeling of nothingness, and the rendering up of sacrificing my feelings in order to continue to live. I had to purge.
I read your piece. It appears to be journalistic narrative. The concepts are familiar. The editor in me was constantly at work reorganizing the structure of the writing and the phrases in my mind. The framework is good, and further editing would create a solid piece of writing.
As far as the content, there is a song which I listen to that has answered the question for me as to whether I belong, or whether I should feel unsettled when I don't connect with others:
The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot
It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone, unknown and hurt.
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do.
In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong.
It was a beautiful letdown
When You found me here
And for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free.
We're still chasing our tails
And the rising sun
And our dark water planet
Still spins in a race
Where no one wins
And no one's one.
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight
and set sail for the kingdom come.
Your kingdom come.
Won't you let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down.
Easy living, you're not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same.
Would you please take me off your list?
Easy living, please come on and let me down.
What a beautiful letdown
the church of the drop outs, the losers,
the sinners, the failures, and the fools.
What a beautiful letdown
are we salt in the wound?
Let us sing one true tune.
Posted: 7/31/2007 4:42:30 AM
Here are two poems I wrote in 2003. They mirror each other, reflecting duality in my human experience.
When I'm depleted - I find serenity
I surrender myself to your generosity.
I find peace despite lack of security - you hear me.....so clearly.
I'm only curious - to ask, and questioning
Disregard this emptiness and arrogance - through it, I know you're waiting.
We'll all find out, and meet together in the end.
Nothing more than where we first began
It's on your face, it's destiny decided.
Bare your problems anyhow -
Don't try it hide it - you're Hiding.
Salvation's found in the here and now.
Are you alive - and who you choose to be now?
Are you deprived; are you awake to how things ought to be?
This is your world: Open your eyes to what you see!
Wake up...wake up and see - how it could be.
Forgiveness not in vain, in disdain or while despairing
It's found between the lines.
It's me you're hearing
In your soul, your mind
Beyond time, eternally moving to the rhythm you abide in
Whether heaven or hell - it can't be decided
Between thought, our erosion; love the emotion is the motion of life.
- Michael David Parent: Titled Surrender, October 31, 2003
It's a liquidation of the soul - my own
Derailed, and bent,
A spirit falling white like snow.
Outside it's cold, alone, I'm strained, depleted, feeling defeated.
My attitude biting with a bitter tone.
Separating me from you, broken like a divided bone.
Compulsive remains, like a grinding stone
Milling my mind like a fragile grain.
The walls cave in -- the rains pour in.
Chained to the fear of my own absolution.
No solution, locked and bound, everyone's frightened
Faith runs dry, like a tributary stream: cracked and bleeding
Beneath the strain - from lack of rain.
Nourish my soul, Love's letting go;
I can't defend, deny -- the resistance ends
I'm awake again, It's a lovely day
Yesterday's just a memory, resigned to a time, in history.
The end is in, and here it lay:
You hold the key to your destiny, you choose, define, and draw the line.
You commit, and break, resist, and take.
It's the life you make.
That's the promise I've made,
Tomorrows left - a road unpaved.
--Michael David Parent, Titled: Estranged, December 2, 2003
Posted: 7/31/2007 4:31:39 AM
Feel free to ask any question you wish, I'll answer if I feel ok doing so. As far as being displaced, or feeling that way, there is no doubt in my mind that I live very much displaced and isolated from society. It is not by choice, but a result of circumstances beyond my power. It does not hurt me terriby, I accept that for now it is the way things must be. I do have room for certain people in my life, but only those of the highest quality.
The whole muscle thing
Posted: 7/31/2007 4:06:14 AM
Insight, that is so hot. By the way, you look "mmmmmmmarvelous"^
MAYBE if you are a guy..but I have been eating this way for the last 4 months to lose weight. ....and I am. But ripped? Uh, NO. That takes free weights.
Most women don't want to get ripped, so instead of shedding their bodyfat down to 5%, I recommend 10-15% for most who want to look fantastic and healthy while training. Sometimes these percentages are too low for some women, so being on the higher end of about 15% would make most happy.
The whole muscle thing
Posted: 7/30/2007 5:37:46 PM
Cut your carbs down to 1/4th what you presently eat, increase your protein to double what you currently eat, -- vegtables and lean meats, you'll be ripped in no time. You'll feel like shit for a week or so, but then you'll feel a lot better. 1/2 gallon to 1 gallon of water per day, preferably filtered or purified.
how did u find the last die hard movie'live free or die hard'?
Posted: 7/30/2007 5:31:09 PM
Great movie, but I don't think they should continue the series. I don't want to see Bruce in a motorized wheel chair.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is such a lie!
Posted: 7/30/2007 5:29:50 PM
You always feel weaker after bench pressing your maximum weight, but after you recover, you can usually press more.
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