Mike,
You mentionied you are trying to understand the idea of being in the moment.
I recommend these books for you- by Eckhart Tolle
"The Power of NOW”- his personal story and experiences of being in the moment. Incredible. He himself experienced a night of anguish that “caused his ego to collapse in on itself” .
His other books- I have not yet read," Stillness speaks”, ”A New Earth”,
“Entering the Now’; “Flowering the human consciousness”; “Realization of Being”; "Gateway to the Now"; "Stillness Speaks"; "The Art of Presence”; and more.

WAIT! – I HAVE NEVER SEEN this one before, it's titled;
“Living the Liberated Life, and Dealing with the Pain Body” witht he description
From the publisher: A bold new vision for experiencing the fullness of life, Tolle believes it is possible to cultivate the habit of living in the now if people can free themselves from past conditioning.
I honestly don't know if you'd be interested, but I thought I would mention it.
Q

hi Mike
I sat down to read and re-read your words, and let them truly sink in.
wow, forgive me for being a fool. I am starting to see and understand better what you meant by not being understood. Not many would.

I am trying to understand, and wish there was something I could do to help. I also understand that It could be too easy to feel sorry for yourself, and get stuck in it.
More than anything, I am trying to out myself in your shoes, if
anything, to try and imagine and understand a fraction of what you experience.

The frustration, despair and angst are just a few of the emotions that would consume me.

Feeling trapped would not even describe it- more like enslavement where you are at the whim of the disease and its cruel tantrums of fancy.

It is your own personal hell at all times - isn't it. That
is true isolation. I understand if you welcome the thought of death and sweet release and freedom.

Staying here takes so much unimaginable courage, valor spiritual strength beyond anything I have seen. You put the rest of us to shame.

I don't blame you for being infuriated with the world and the sad sacks of sh*t we are for complaining over the smallest inconvenience.

None of that minor crap really matters- does it?.
Oh god, Mike, forgive me for being stupid. I wish there was something I could do- so you wouldnt have to go through this.
I hope you will continue to share your work. I would like to read more.

There is nothing to forgive. You haven't done anything wrong. How does the serenity prayer go? Just focus on the things you can change, that is what matters most.

I have two opinions;
The both of you characters created to talk to each other - not one other person has posted in this thread, but I've been keeping track. And you're silently recounting a tale of two glittering people who should have met in reality - to achieve what I would perceive as a great romance - and yet it's all the work of some comedic mastermind.

Or, the one I choose to believe:

You both have achieved something not many people do. You with your ill health and her with such a graceful disposition. Yet somehow you appreciate each other's flaws, almost lovingly as each post passes by.

Regardless of whatever relationship between the two of you has developed; know that you've taken my breath away.

Pure beauty. If only we could all be as noble; if only.

Do you feel pushed by expectations and time constraints? Are they
self imposed ?

Are they set in place by what society says you should have accomplished by certain times lines?

I’m sure you are aware of the difference. Who are the people deciding these standards?

And why do we follow their standards?

Are the people who set these standards truly happy? Why do we accept someone else’s “one size fits all” idea of how life should be lived?

If we jam ourselves into a puzzle hole we are not meant to fit, we are going to end up broken, twisted and scarred. (Does this sound familiar to some situations or people found in society?)

The devil is in the details that manufacture a perception of convenience. Sometimes the failures in relationships or personal and the denial to face them, complicate situations and their lives much more than need be?

Do You realize, the amount of energy it takes to create the frame of lies to support the denial and a roof of defensiveness?

People on the outside judge the actions and the success and failures, but the misery one carries on the inside- out of sight from the world, still eats away at the self esteem, self respect, sense of peace, truth within, to feed the hunger of the growing fear and self loathing.

Keeping silent may be the biggest mistake one can make. In the Catholic church there is the rite of confession, which when done with acknowledgement, repentance, humility and sincere desire to surpass the error actually help in the process of forgiving oneself. Unfortunately, people are rarely truly repentant, which is evident in their daily behavior.
Accepting that you are human and fallible, is one step toward personal forgiveness. NO one in this world is perfect- so why do we hold ourselves to a perfect standard?

Is it because people want to belong, be accepted, and loved that they push for perfection?

Is it because they don't feel like they deserve it inside, that they strive for the appearance of perfection?

Here are some questions of a more personal nature- and I fully understand if you choose not to answer them.

Perhaps later, I'm not interested in "writing" lately.

Are you alright? Is it a result of your health or something else? Are you currently in a difficult stage of your on going health issues?

You had mentioned that you were slowly emerging from the disease- and if I remember correctly – to reach a manageable level- or can it be cured or almost cured (resulting in medication for the rest of you life)?

What happens on a bad day? Is it joint inflammation alone, or do you have other side effects? I would imagine that would make it hard and pain full to move around. How do you cope?

*smile* I bet you think it is a rosy and naïve view or interpretation of this world. I did read your piece titled ‘Each morning’. You were quite upset.

You may not remember- although I think you do- what sparked the emotion that ignited the anger that you expressed there. I understand that the things you mention are beyond irritating , frustrating, create a feeling of anguish toward where we are heading and enough to want to violently throttle them (I do have an angry streak in me- although I don’t like to go there)

Personally I have noticed that the anger is usually a sign of an underlying issue.
When I start to notice myself get angrier, I stop to assess what the real issue is. Sometimes it takes me a couple of weeks to figure it out- other times more.
When people start to direct their anger toward the outside world, they are avoiding the issue within them. The outside world reflects the state of people’s hearts inside.
It never serves a purpose to focus on the outside- for the simple reason that you can’t change anyone else but you. You have control over you.

To try and change everyone else only creates a feeling of overwhelming despair at the extent of the task to convert everyone. It is self defeating when you fail as a result of betting heads time after time with others with the same attitude on the other side of the fence.

Living by example is what people see and trust, and once you have your mind, and heart in order, then you can start to take on larger issues out in the community- and people will follow, because of your integrity.

Gandhi was right when he said “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Another question –(this one just for contemplation); why do you want a relationship?
It is a question I debating writing down- but I decided to do so on the condition I also put the question to myself. And I have (It is only fair).

There is a book called “Mentally Speaking” written by Stephen B Stokl, MD, a Canadian Psychiatrist who discussed the different facets of human behavior using Humor and with a Christian conscience. It is not as dry as some books can be- and the humor is very refreshing. He strongly believes that humor creates the best results.
I share the following anecdote from the book- had me laughing for a good day- actually I still chuckle- there is a stark resemblance to my brother’s communication skills.

A young man called his mother and asked her how she was doing.
“Oh not to good,” she said, “ I Actually have been feeling very tired and weak lately.”
‘Why are you so weak?” asked her son
“well I haven’t eaten in 39 days.”
The Son was shocked. “39 Days?! Why haven’t you eaten for such a long time?”
“ I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food when you called!”
* *
Isn’t guilt a marvelous thing?

ps- as for the constructive criticism- I will answer shortly- but first I want to know what YOU think it was about. You may help me prove a point- or not.. we'll see *smile*

Ok, I do have some questions, and some theories, but to be painfully and completely honest, my experiences is limited.

I agree. The desire for emotional connection with others is exhibited at different level of the social experience. The need to belong in groups whether they are on a global scale (countries, war, political), national scale (such as social class, political, clubs and sports Leagues etc.), and then on a somewhat smaller and closely knit community scale ( such as church, acquaintances, volunteer groups, and poker night buddies), and family scale (direct family, relatives, and close friends). Next level of intimate would be Significant other and children, and then The Most intimate of these relationships would be with yourself and between you and your maker. (in my opinion).

When you have a partner that demonstrates that they desire, appreciate and love you for who you are on different levels and different facets must be an incredible feeling of validation and connection on the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. One would probably feel happy.

I would hope out of honor and respect (if no longer out of love) an effort was made to continue the communication or take it to a new level.

If this is no longer possible because the dedication is no longer mutual, ideally the final communication providing closure should be made.

I can understand delay in ending is promptly, it would take time to work out details and come to terms with it. Letting go of something familiar (even though it is toxic) is never easy to do. I realize sometimes fear of change, not wanting to hurt the other or even fear of being alone again can terrify people into accepting status quo. In some cases, There can also be a many more people to consider or issues to juggle when deciding to act or not.

NOW taking into consideration the desire to be happy by having a connection with someone that desires you. Cultivating those connections with people where the appreciation, respect, love, trust, honesty and loyalty are mutual will make enhance the happiness within. Would Love magnify the happiness two souls share which would then fortifies the love, increases the respect, and purifies the truth an d honesty? Or is that just too naïve to believe?

How many people expect their Partner to bring, create or make their happiness?

Is that a realistic expectation?

Why would we make the other person responsible for our personal happiness?

Personal happiness is just that- personal- for us to define, establish and create- is it not?

Would it be fair to make someone else fully responsible for that, which only you hold the key to deciphering in your head and heart?

And if you put yourself on the other side of the table, would you want to be responsible for someone’s happiness?

What is the other person dropped the ball and disappointed you- by not making you happy all the time? I think this happens more often than we realize. I have seen it, and am well aware that I once held that idea.

Could it be that the feelings of being trapped, isolated, unwanted and unfulfilled be born of our own lack of personal and relationship maintenance of the spirit and connection?

What if it was us that let ourselves down?

Why would you go outside of the connective unit to seek solution instead of within it?

I am aware and understand that love is a difficult topic, because there are so many points of view. I am grateful you have shared this, because it is not often I get to see a man’s point of view on it. Hope you are having a great weekend. Take care.
Q

I hope I understood this, if not please clarify for me. Are you saying in effect,..
Each minute and each hour and each day is the mortar and the bricks for what we
build our dreams and our future. If we fill these moments of our days with
substandard material and sub-par moments, we are compromising the infrastructure
on which we build and create our dreams and fulfill our hopes for the future.
If we want to have a life of quality, we have to realize that the moments of NOW
are the building blocks of tomorrow. What you choose each moment, is what
you are investing in the future- your future relationships, goals and dreams.

You share a slightly different perspective and expression I have not considered
on this topic...something to contemplate further.

What are your thoughts on the causes of these attitudes?

Do you feel it stems from a loss of family values? Moral values? Do you feel there is a sense of entitlement? Any thoughts on where that attitude may come from? Why do YOU think people don’t accept accountability?

I have noticed this too. A lot of people just sometimes can’t stand to be alone
(especially with their thoughts), if they find themselves in the position, they
find something to do to keep them busy and face their thoughts and fears. The
irony may be that if they did, they might get to know themselves and their
situation better, and move past their fears.

You mention that we need forgiveness,.. the most important forgiveness we can
give is forgiveness to ourselves . A lot of people judge themselves harshly for
what have or haven’t accomplished. There is a perception that one has to be
perfect in society. Have you noticed this? It is the standard of perfection
that we measure ourselves against, and then judge ourselves harshly when we
don’t measure up.

this quote made me think of you,.. and your experience,..

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could havedone better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly ; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause."
- Theodore Roosevelt

hey , if you are up for writing challenge,..and a test of your vocabulary, how a bout this for expanding and pushing your minds limits.
" how would you describe your voice?" (describe it like your would a wine and its suble flavours and bouquets) (*muah haha!!)
- you have probably just come to the conclusion that I am evil,.. (lol)

I have just had a quite moment to properly read and focus on ‘I Will Carry My Cross Where I Don't Belong’, and I don’t know what to say.

When I first sent you an email- I had mentioned that I sensed you had wisdom beyond your years of someone who had been through a lot. The imagery of the dreamed conveyed if but a small percentage of the anguish and torture you felt , holy sh*t- excuse my French, but holy sh*t. By the end of it, I am sobbing and speechless.

This one reflects and mirrors things you have written about yourself and experiences, in other posts. I want to say something- but what? I wish you didn’t have to feel so alone or endure all that, but I know I was something you had to go through,. This experience, as infinitely difficult as it must have been to go through is 2 or 3 rungs of the ladder that has brought you to this awareness.

I have nothing to offer – even at this late point in time- except my tears for what you went through (actually , I’m sobbing), a sense of feeling proud for you and the strength and courage and perseverance it has taken to get through it- ( EVEN if you don’t believe me and even if the word of a stranger doesn’t hold much weight- I am proud of you).
Finally, it is not much, but I offer a hug, maybe it’s too little and way too late, but its from the heart. now i need to get a kleenex,...

Any time you combine 2 passions, in your case music and writing, and you follow your heart, You WILL have success. I sense you are driven.

Any idea what you feel may keep you from finishing a song? Is this something new you have wanted to attempt?

You had mentioned following 'form". Do you find you get tangled in trying to follow form? I know there are guidelines to follow when writing songs, but I have often wondered stressing over the form/layout instead of focusing on heart and content is what causes writer's block?

If You find the compliments a bit suspicious I can understand why.- I would probably be too in you position. lol.

I am not expecting anything in return, I just find a lot of what you write either bang on (in my opinion), or they inspire thought and challenge the reader.
Maybe I am so sadly lacking any type of sharing of thoughts that challenge one to think. The truth is, when you spoke of loved ones you respect and love that would have the most affect on you, you hit a nerve with me. Maybe my experience is why I overcompensate with the compliments. I hope no discomfort was felt. (Lesson learned)

In your piece “No death for the living”, you seem to explorer other possibilities outside of religious beliefs, delving into Metaphysical concepts and brushing near other areas of science that bridge into each other.

I have been itching to ask you if have read any works by some certain authors I know have placed one foot outside their areas of scientific or religious expertise, to explore a new level. Do you have any favorite authors?

One of the Authors I want to name is Richard Bach, because you have referred to the concept of everything being intricately connected as ONE. He wrote the ever popular “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”, Illusions , and ONE.

I have been toying with the idea of sharing one of my poems, or a type of blog I wrote and shared with friends who encouraged and supported me when I had quit smoking. I Had not expected to have all the suppressed anger and emotions to surface as the time progressed and what I learned when I faced the issues in question.
If you are interested in reading them, let me know.

Have you thought of copyrighting your work?

I want to take a moment to say how much I appreciate the fact that you are taking the time to share these with me. I know it can be hard to share writings that expose you inner most thoughts which at times is really hard to do. Thank you Mike, for the honor and the opportunity to read and enjoy them.
Q
(Ilona)

“Our battles are just won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world”. – Oswald Chambers

What has been your experience when you need to talk? DO you have someone to talk to who will just listen? Do you know anyone who knows, truly knows how to listen?

MAYBE if you are a guy..but I have been eating this way for the last 4 months to lose weight. ....and I am. But ripped? Uh, NO. That takes free weights.