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Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Man asks woman to go to his home after dinner on first date Posted: 11/22/2009 7:33:36 PM
Didn't you post about this earlier today already? As it seems to have been deleted, you went ahead and decided to repost it somewhere else. You're bucking for not just another deleted post, but a revocation of your posting privileges.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

met my 1st psycho ( might belong in the humor section)(Long read) Posted: 11/22/2009 10:04:48 AM
I think he had her cheeks in mind and what he might want to do with them. Yes, seems he 'fessed up to it being a physical thing only, but SOME guys will put up with a lot of nuttiness for a potential roll in the hay. Guess she deviated from the curve somewhere on the crazy vs. hot graph. Wonder when we'll see her post about guys only wanting her for her body!?

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

met my 1st psycho ( might belong in the humor section)(Long read) Posted: 11/21/2009 10:35:40 PM
Then the bomb shell. She's an atheist. Now all of the sudden I have this image of heads in her refrigerator and one of them is mine. Ah, another supposedly enlightened christian! OP, I'll admit I enjoyed your whimsical style of writing, and yes, any woman who steals your car keys from you in the situation you described is more than a little off (not to mention the excessive drinking and lack of compassion for her patients), but as a grown man, you should know that we atheists are people too! We never stored heads in the fridge (no matter how empty the particular head, or the fridge for that matter), or try to convert and indoctrinate people under duress. That usually falls to the religious fanatic types, past and present. Hey, just be grateful its still PC to have a prejudice against us non-believers. I won't go off on a Dennis Milleresque rant here (as much as I'm tempted to do so), or try to veer this thread off topic. I'll just remind you of Robert Heinlein's observation that, "one man's theology is another man's belly laugh." Some of what you wrote I was laughing with you, and some of it pal, well, I was laughing AT you. Back to your crazy woman though...why in the hell did you go out with this woman a third time, and why did you engage in a drinking marathon with her!? Especially after you had already established that she wasn't real compatible with you. Yes, some people will ask you questions on dates as a litmus test, particularly on hot button topics like abortion, politics, religion etc. For that very reason, those topics are often avoided too. However, on occasion that probing is just about discovering basic compatibility and intellectual depth, and that's just fine if they have an open mind and can respect your opinions, and you can do likewise. What's wrong with a little intelligent conversation, especially when you're trying to get to know someone? A while back I went out on a first date with a woman who had a diametrically opposite political point of view from me. Hell, she even prejudged me based on the kind of car I drive. But we had a good time with it, laughing and poking goodnatured fun at each other. As I related to a friend after, the conversation later moved on to religion, as well as other topics. In fact he said, "Religion, politics and Star Trek!? That's the trifecta for you!" Point being, she explained some of her viewpoints and I did likewise, without either being shrill or dismissive about it, and we did go out for a while. And, important point here, we only had 2 drinks during that conversation. If that sort of thing doesn't work for you, say so and steer the conversation in a different direction. If she doesn't buy that and is insistent on knowing your views, chances are she will turn out to be the shrill type, and you'll soon be pulling the ripcord and bailing out. And if the atheist part freaks you out so much with another woman you meet and like in the future, you can always check her head for 6s. If she has three 3s, no worries, she's only the semi-christ!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 93 (view)

Is the number of acceptable places to approach women offline shrinking? Posted: 11/21/2009 9:08:05 PM
While I may not want to date every man that talks to me, if a man is interesting to talk to and isn't feeling me out to close some sort of thing beyond the conversation, then I will talk to him - regardless of attraction, because that's not the reason I socialize... ...You should approach and talk to everyone in every setting, not just women you find attractive. That will give you a good range of making conversation. Talking to only attractive women gives you a motive. A guy who only wants to make conversation for a reason will put off most people. You really have to just be friendly and have interest in and enjoy talking to people. Smart lady there, and excellent advice! I do exactly that, talk to people I meet in all sorts of daily social situations. I'm not doing anything more than being friendly and sociable with people I encounter. On rare occasions, if I'm speaking with a woman and I find her intriguing, AND the conversation is mutual, I might ask her to continue it over a drink or coffee, or offer my number for a potential date. Most of the time though its just a simple conversation; you know, like how we humans used to communicate with strangers before we had the internet.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 89 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath?? Posted: 11/21/2009 7:18:30 PM
Pathological liar - Extremely secretive and defensive about her past. Endless lies. When confronted with the truth, she would still deny it right up to the point when you provided her with hard evidence. Then she would immediately justify the lie. "I lied because I didn't want to face your reaction." Nothing about NOT DOING THE THING SHE WAS LYING ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I had the misfortune of being married to a young woman for a few years, who had the above behavior as her defining characteristic. Of course it took me a while to finally see it, but I was in love with my wife, and trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. You live and you learn I guess. That being said, don't we get a little carried away with all the amateur psychoanalysis, and labeling shitty behavior as some sort of disorder? Everything is a disease, nothing is anyone's fault, if you probe their psyche enough you'll find the real cause was mom was mean to them, etc. I call it the Oprahfication of our society. My ex tried that one on me, that she was bi-polar and had adult ADHD, internet addiction, sexual addiction, and so on. All as an excuse and a smokescreen, an attempted evasion of personal responsibility for the fact that she made the poor choices she made of her own free will. Treating your SO poorly doesn't make you a sociopath. Hitler was a sociopath, as was Stalin. Jack the Ripper and Ted Bundy. Acting like an asshat doesn't put you in that league. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar after all.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Communicating every day Posted: 11/21/2009 6:37:37 PM
Texting isn't my thing at all, so we can rule those out for me. As far as talking on the phone, I try to get a sense of what she is comfortable with, as well as communicating with her about what I feel comfortable with; the worst thing you can do is meet someone you click with and then kill it with being a pest, constantly calling. At the beginning of an exclusive dating situation, what usually works for me is a couple times a week, and maybe an email now & then to let her know I was thinking of her. As long as that goes both ways and she is reciprocating (meaning she picks up the phone too, and isn't just sitting there waiting for me to always call her), I'm happy and looking forward to knowing her better.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Being committed to the relationship Posted: 11/21/2009 4:37:49 PM
Sorry to say OP, but my honest opinion is that you tolerated her BS for waaaaaaayyyyyy too long! She did everything she could to chase you away, and you just kept coming back for more abuse. I'm not one for ultimatums, but at some point you should have put your foot down about her continuing to date other people, and if she didn't want to do as you asked for the sake of your relationship, you should have put her in your rear view. Good riddance I say! There is no sense worrying about her past shabby behavior, but what you can do is make sure that the next time you get involved with someone, YOUR behavior doesn't make her think you're a doormat.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Was there ONE thing that made you want to meet? Posted: 11/21/2009 4:15:33 PM
Sure, there are plenty of things...a warm smile, bright eyes, intelligence. But #1 for me is the positive, upbeat personality of someone who can laugh no matter what life throws at her.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Does class matter in online dating? Posted: 11/20/2009 7:51:59 PM
The only "class" that matters, whether it be online dating or in the real world, is whether someone has it or not. Don't get caught up in self-limiting and artificial barriers like socio-economic status.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

When is the time right? Posted: 11/16/2009 1:22:56 PM
My thoughts are that guys want to go from one woman to another woman. That's what I've been told. I just don't care for that scenario. Any thoughts on this???????? My thoughts are that you are unfairly painting all men with the same broad brush, due to some trauma in your past, or "whoever" told you this nonsense. You're a grown woman for frak's sake, with two sons of her own to boot, and you're still waving around some little girl BS about all guys being love 'em and leave 'em types? Didn't you raise your sons to be gentlemen and treat women right? And don't you think other parents out there have done likewise? We're not all lead around by our lower appendage! I don't mean to come across as harsh, but damn, if you haven't figured it out by now, will you ever? You meet people on an individual basis, and you treat them the same way you expect to be treated, honestly and courteously. That doesn't mean you should be naive, or that you won't come across some jerks and players, but there comes a point where you have to make the leap of faith. In all relationships involving trust, there is always the possibility of betrayal. Now you can be safe and sound and never let anyone in, but you're likely to be lonely. Take the chance and you might get hurt too, but you just might find something wonderful. Unless you have specific reasons to be suspicious, put away the paranoia and allow yourself the opportunity for happiness. Good luck!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Dating A Single Child Posted: 11/16/2009 1:09:42 PM
What a silly, childish and asinine reason to exclude someone from your dating pool. As many here have already said, just because a child lacks a familial blood relationship to many adults doesn't necessarily mean they can't have good positive adult role models around to help influence them. I'm the oldest of 3, so I have no particular axe to grind here, other than to wail about the stupidity of it all. What needs to be realized is that with the success of population control efforts in the Western world, more and more people are being raised as only children, so the odds of dating an only child are only going to increase. What will be the superfluous rejection criteria then? ^^^And yes, sometimes I wear mismatched socks. Maybe that explains things!?

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 203 (view)

Condoning Atheism. Posted: 11/15/2009 7:54:18 PM
OP, I wholeheartedly applaud you for endorsing your daughter's first steps into finding her place in the world. When I was 10 I first became an atheist (I was a precocious and inquisitive child), after seeing Erik von Daniken's "In Search of Ancient Astronauts", and deciding that his ideas made a lot more sense to me than anything I'd heard so far in a Catholic school or church. Of course most of his theories have since been discredited, but still, it helped make me see it was alright to question, and set me on a path. My mother, who was a regular church goer, to her ever lasting credit always stuck up for my right to my own beliefs, even if they didn't coincide with hers or many others. Including a Franciscan priest she once told flat out that, "as long as I wasn't a problem in class I was entitled to my opinion." I've encountered dismissal, hatred and plain old prejudice all my life because of that atheism though, because so many people fear it. Look up members of the US Congress and their affiliations; even today you won't find a self avowed atheist in that membership. Freedom of religion is all well and good usually, as long as you don't check the "none of the above" box. I won't join into the whole debate on the validity of religion here. Just know this however, from someone who has been an atheist since he first learned to reason, to help you encourage your daughter regardless of which direction she heads off in. People who are atheists aren't "people who believe in nothing." Atheists have very strong belief systems, in science, and reason, and the human spirit, just not in some divine being who watches over the human race. For me at least, what that means most of all is that life doesn't give people meaning, but rather people give life meaning. As Carl Sagan once said, "The universe is neither malevolent or benign, merely indifferent."

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

DNA Based Dating Posted: 11/15/2009 5:56:18 PM
Just because its hi-tech snake oil doesn't change the fact that its still snake oil. There are always those looking to separate fools from their money, and all it takes is a few to encourage them.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

My mama (and daddy) would be so ashamed! Posted: 11/15/2009 10:02:09 AM
Look, you're young Melissa, and you're going to make mistakes in life, so don't beat yourself up too badly. Learning lessons is sometimes about learning them the hard way, which you did in this case. Obviously, what you want to take out of this is to know the guy better before you sleep with him, if you have romantic feelings for him and hope he reciprocates. I'm not one to say its always wrong to just enjoy your body and someone else's, so if its just about that, go for it as well, with a clear conscience and have fun, as long as you're protected. But the other thing that's important here is not to make a future guy pay for this ***hole's behavior. He lied to you and was certainly a creep, but that doesn't mean they all are or will be. The big mistake would be letting this affect you so that you should project trust issues onto the next guy, just because this one played you. Its been discussed to death on these forums that there is no set arbitrary timetable to sleep with someone; its all about comfort level. You're a little sadder but wiser now, and is that really such a bad thing? Hold you're head up, you'll be just fine.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Are there women/men who wait as long as 6 mos. before sex? Posted: 11/14/2009 10:37:31 AM
I don't buy into having a specific timetable when it comes to intimacy; like some have said, when its right its right, and then there is no need for recriminations. Wanting to wait 6 months for that moment however would reveal a basic incompatibility between us, ie. sexual intimacy isn't as important a component in a successful relationship for her as it is for me.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 57 (view)

BF will not tell me his birthdate or where he works - is this wierd to you guys? Posted: 11/14/2009 8:30:42 AM
I wouldn't be so concerned about that specific information OP, since you already know what he does, know where he lives and have been to his home and so on. What I would want to know is why is he so reluctant to give you this particular information. Is it possible he has a crazy ex in his past that screwed with some of his personal info and caused him problems? I'm not trying to make excuses for the guy; I do find it odd, and if he has a particular reason he should tell you. I wouldn't have a problem sharing that stuff with someone I said I was exclusive with. My first impression is he has some reason he isn't revealing this stuff, and the longer it goes on, the more it bothers you. Ask him why instead, and maybe you'll get an answer you'll be satisfied to hear.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Barely Married with Kids and Wife may be Cheating Posted: 11/9/2009 7:26:59 PM
Never, ever stay together in a dead, loveless marriage for the sake of the children. What your teaching those kids is its OK to be unhappy, that fighting spouses is normal, that drinking and cheating is acceptable, and that as soon as the kids are gone the resentful parents will split. My parents stayed in their marriage at least partially for the sake of the kids, and it caused nothing but sorrow and regret for everyone. I think its much more important to raise your children in a loving environment, even if that need be two separate homes. Parents have the right to be happy too.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

Being single = having no life ?? Posted: 11/9/2009 3:19:38 PM
Being single doesn't mean you don't have a life; quite the contrary. I still go out, by myself or with friends, to the local bar to watch a game, the movies, the mall and so on. In fact, I knew a gal who so overly scheduled her days and nights with quirky activities so that she wasn't sitting at home by herself moping about her single status, that when she did meet someone finally she didn't have time to be involved! You certainly have a life when you're single. Where you miss having some one along for the ride though is those activities that are better as a couple, like traveling on vacation, having dinner out and so on.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Are disproportionate age ranges requirements a red flag? Posted: 11/9/2009 3:08:32 PM
Look, you can make anything you want a red flag, if it doesn't fit into your particular idea of what is good and proper, or simply just not appealing to you. I have no limits set on the ages of people who want to contact me, but while I'll respond to someone who writes to me regarding a forum post, I have zero interest in dating a teenager. I have a suggested age of early 30s to mid 50s on my profile, but that doesn't mean I would necessarily turn down a 27 y/o woman (note, not a girl) who I found interesting (and vice versa...good luck with that!), OR a woman in her late 50s that I shared a bond and attraction with. Not everything you disagree with has to be a red flag. Its just something that isn't suitable for YOU.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

Parents Visting and Dating... Posted: 11/8/2009 10:17:32 AM
Continue to do what you are doing OP, which is whatever is best for you and your folks. Any woman that might come into your life in the meantime needs to understand that. If she minds all that much, for what is a wonderful gesture by a loving son, and a temporary situation at that, well, you have your answer about what kind of person she is deep down. Consider it a litmus test if need be. Good luck with the adjustment. Just hope they don't like to walk around naked!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Should I get divorced? Posted: 11/8/2009 8:31:57 AM
Damn, so young to be married, and well on the way to being just another statistic. I was one of those statistics once, married just shy of turning 21 with a baby on the way. Then was dumb enough to marry a much younger woman later in my life, one who started the whole playing around online thing, which only made me a statistic again. OP, you "stumbled" across the fact that she was erasing her internet history. Now you've "enabled" a way to follow her online, using a keylogger I suspect. Point being, she is acting dishonest, sneaky and suspicious, but so are you. Take it from someone who's been there; talk to her, tell her what you've found and find out if she wants to keep the marriage alive or not, not for the sake of your child but because you still love each other. Then and only then can you make an informed decision whether or not its worth salvaging. Given what you've said it probably isn't, but at least then you can move forward, a little sadder but wiser, and knowing you tried to do the right thing.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

He lied about his age...only by two years....should i be concerned? Posted: 11/8/2009 8:20:06 AM
Thanks to everyone for your input. I have been told in the past that I am "too picky" and I know I can overreact at times. I am a little wary of him...a few weeks ago, I had invited him to dinner at my place and he told me that he was celebrating his brother's birthday. Well....tonight, he was talking about his brother and he mentioned that he and his brother were born on the same day, five years apart. His bday is in December. I am disgusted right now.... Welcome to the fun house OP, the slippery slope where you can't ever be sure what's real and what isn't. Having been married to someone who started out with little lies and graduated to big lies, I know exactly what you're going thru here. It does get to a point where they can't keep track of the lies. It does disgust you, and worse, makes you start to question yourself. I can already hear his excuses (he meant his other brother, or he calls his friend his brother or some expedient evasion he thinks you're gullible enough to buy). Sit him down, cards on the table time and tell him he has one and only one opportunity to come clean about everything, and if he lies to you again after that, you're putting him in your rear view mirror. And make sure you mean it!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

He lied about his age...only by two years....should i be concerned? Posted: 11/7/2009 6:51:35 PM
My question to you OP would be, when does it become a big deal? Shaving 2 years off is OK...now how about 3, or 5, or 10? Lying about your age a bit is often dismissed as just a little white lie due to vanity and insecurity. But lying is still lying and a poor way to start a relationship, and the excuses that everyone does it, and he wouldn't meet the kind of woman he wanted if he hadn't lied, are nothing more than rationalizations, plain and simple. I'm not saying to give this guy the heave ho because of this. But what I am saying is that is you want to move forward with him you need to sit him down and effectively communicate to him that lying to you in any form is unacceptable, and set him straight that you won't put up with it again.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Your two cents worth...... Posted: 11/7/2009 2:17:20 PM
The sentiment in general is fine, one I would accept as axiomatic, acknowledging that if you can't stick it out with someone you supposedly care about thru the bad times you aren't worthy of being there for the good. But as it specifically applied to Marilyn Monroe, from everything I ever read about her, she was a lost, unhappy soul who's life was a train wreck, drifting from relationship to relationship in search of fulfillment. I'm not too sure she ever had many "at her best" days. That being said, she was one gorgeous woman!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 57 (view)

help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me? Posted: 11/7/2009 10:37:50 AM
whats does he really want from me? Exactly what he has been getting for several years, namely sex without any form of commitment. Yes, I know the OP is gone already, but it never hurts for others that might read. While I agree that this man had an inappropriate sexual relationship with her when she was a teenager, she is now an adult, responsible for her own actions and self-described as successful, with a college degree and a decent job. There is a fine line of distinction between fvck buddies and friends with benefits, but in either case there are boundary lines, and she is violating rule #1 of such a situation, falling for her friend. If she wants more than he is willing or capable of giving, she needs to close the door on this situation once and for all. Since he is a neighbor, maybe she should look into moving from her parent's house and getting her own place, where she can get on with her life and not see him so often. If she gets herself a life without him she might be surprised how quickly her attachment for him fades.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Sleep (yes, just sleep) with someone and your souls touch Posted: 11/6/2009 9:02:48 PM
Agreed that sleeping with someone is very much an act of intimacy, because its all about letting down your guard and letting yourself be seen at your most vulnerable. I've been there where I'd rather leave (or have her leave, depending on who's home we were in) after sex, rather than staying the night. There is something warm, both literally and figuratively, about having someone next to you, and waking up with that person in the morning. A long time ago I was involved with a woman that I got very close with very quickly, and when things ended between us I had a difficult time sleeping at night because she was no longer in my bed. I got in the habit all those years back of sleeping with my arms wrapped around a pillow, as an admittedly poor substitute, but it got me through, and its a habit I still have to this day. But nothing beats having a warm, loving woman that I care for lying next to me (even if she does have cold feet!).

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Pre-Date Agreements Posted: 11/6/2009 8:41:15 PM
I'm sure you had your tongue firmly planted in your cheek when you posted this of course OP, so some of that is obviously not going to happen. But what will work is pretty simple...agree to show up on time, and leave your cell phone off (unless its the babysitter)...and be honest at the end of the date about whether or not you want there to be another date. A little honesty and courtesy upfront, and we can figure out the rest as we go along.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Safe dating in the internet age Posted: 11/3/2009 6:36:28 PM
Unwarranted background checks, in my opinion, are an invasion of privacy pure and simple, and if I found out someone I was dating ran one on me we'd be done (I don't get involved with needlessly suspicious people). I have nothing to hide about myself and will gladly answer any questions she might have. Googling someone and getting publicly available information about them isn't quite the same thing, but it becomes a slippery slope. How much is too much? What if they have a rather common name and information comes back about someone else with the same name? That information can be easily misunderstood or misconstrued, and suddenly you're guilty until proven innocent. I've done a google on myself and had some interesting stuff, both good and bad, come back about people that aren't me, including my father, who has the same name and isn't the nicest person in the world. I'm all for being safe, but when you get down to it, if your paranoia is so overwhelming that you feel the need to preemptively suspect someone, maybe you shouldn't be dating at all. Of course you shouldn't be naive, but trust is an all or nothing proposition and a necessary element to any successful relationship.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Mention of having been hurt/cheated on in profiles Posted: 11/3/2009 6:18:04 PM
I prefer to be defined by the positives in my life, not the negatives (or in fact, define those moments myself instead of the other way around). Either way, I like to associate with people with similar positive outlooks, not someone who dwells on the past.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Jesus is stealing my girlfriends! Posted: 11/1/2009 9:16:53 PM
I have no idea how to deal this type of thinking. Simple...don't! When you have such diametrically opposed points of view on such fundamental questions as life, the universe and everything, you have zero chance of making it work. Screen out those seriously religious types before dating them, and sleeping with them of course.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 54 (view)

First Contact: Generic emails vs. Creative Writing Posted: 10/31/2009 3:00:56 PM
I like to think I'm a fairly creative fellow, and I'm all in favor of being somewhat creative in both my profile and an initial email, but let's face it, the majority of people look at the picture(s). If they don't get a sense of attraction, creative and funny quickly turns into strange and weird, and now its a reason to reject you. I wrote to someone not long ago, introducing myself and commenting on what I found appealing about her after seeing her profile. Her only response was to object to a reference to Hitler in my profile (I was humorously pointing out the irony, or so I thought, that even Hitler had a long term girlfriend), and that having that in my profile was a bad way to try to impress a woman. The bottom line is, there is no magic formula to prompt a response from someone you send an email. Knowing that I stick to being true to myself; some will find that interesting, some too quirky for their tastes, and that's just fine. If she appreciates my intellect and sense of humor we'll probably get along.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

So what should I do? Posted: 10/31/2009 10:38:36 AM
Sorry to hear you have such a genuine mess on your hands OP. Your wife is learning the lesson that its a lot different being a loving and faithful spouse as opposed to the idea of playing house she had when she married you at 20. Believe me, I've been there. My advice wouldn't necessarily be to end it right away, but you need to figure out what YOU want, and then commit to that plan of action. Dating other people while being separated from your wife, but agreeing to no sex during the separation is ridiculous. If you want to make it work, make it work. If you want to move on, then move on. Why in the world would anyone else choose to get involved with you and your situation when its so unstable? And would that really be fair to them? Sounds to me like the wife is blaming much of herself instability on you, and I'm sorry, but her taking anti-depression drugs isn't going to change that belief. Again, I've been there. If she is contemplating a life without you, then you need to let her see what that life will be like by absenting yourself from her issues. Only then will she, and you, figure out what you really want. Good luck!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

All the way in, or all the way out? Posted: 10/27/2009 2:23:05 PM
No, no, its not about that! Get your minds out of the gutter! As I get older, I often find that when I meet someone new, unless I'm head over heels about the woman, that I quickly lose interest. Granted I've had a similar pattern in some of my relationships in the past, although often I would hang in there and let things at least try to develop and evolve, and sometimes they did. But now I'm at a point where if I'm not feeling it right away I'm bored, and rather than waste my time and her's, I usually just part ways with the woman. It happened to me again just recently, after 2 months of being involved with a perfectly nice woman. We had quite a few differences and neither one of us realistically saw the other as a viable long term option, but we enjoyed one another's company, and probably would have been perfectly content getting together once or twice a week for the time being. It burned real bright initially, and we were even hot & heavy briefly, but it kinda fizzled out rather quickly. I've had that happen to me often enough in the last few years that I now discern a pattern. Its crossed my mind that in my late 40s I've just gotten comfortable with the single life (such as it is). Or that I just wasn't as interested in her as she was in me (I felt bad about the imbalance, which was one of the reasons for me to end things). Possibly its just boredom in general with the idea of dating, ie. if it isn't going somewhere then why bother? I don't doubt that I'm quite capable of falling in love and being happy as a couple again, but how do I ever get to that point if there are only two choices, all in or fold? Has anyone found a happy medium for themselves?

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

I need help! Posted: 10/26/2009 7:11:02 PM
If you want to call him, call him. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. If you want to sleep with him, sleep with him. That would be my advice too. Nothing is more attractive than a strong, assertive and self-confident woman who knows what she wants. Nothing is less attractive than a wishy-washy, indecisive woman who won't pursue what she wants. Fortune favors the bold!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 81 (view)

A Very Ugly Situation - What Would YOU Do? Posted: 10/22/2009 3:10:52 PM
Being a racist is completely reprehensible, no doubt. However, does having racist thoughts, or saying something that you overheard and that was not directed at you, something a person should be fired over? I'd say no. Sure, you can fire someone just because you don't like the way he looks or thinks, if you live in an employ at will state. But if you fire everyone who doesn't agree with you, will you have any employees left? If it were me, I imagine I would speak to him briefly and privately, and express that while his business is his own, he should keep such opinions to himself in the workplace. Also, discuss with him how any conversations he has that might cause problems at work, especially when it comes to potential matters of sexual harassment or just dating coworkers (a bad idea in my book) are plain bad business, and fall within your area of concern. It won't change his attitudes, but it might change his thinking on approaching this particular woman, and who knows, maybe he gets tweaked enough to start looking for another gig, and the problem solves itself.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad Posted: 10/18/2009 1:12:43 PM
does this theroy work the same way with men who have been cheated on?? No, it doesn't really hold water for either gender. Bad sex, or lack of sex, as a reason to cheat is nothing more than a shallow and self-serving attempt at rationalization of their behavior. I was cheated on by my ex-wife, and she tried to use this partially as an excuse. We had plenty of issues, and no, there wasn't much sexual contact between us at that point. The fact was, my sexual desire hadn't decreased at all, but my sexual attraction for her had. We were trying to work thru some of those issues, or so I thought, but in the midst of those discussions, she was stepping out too. I've encountered women both before and after my marriage who had been in similar situations with cheating spouses. If anything, there were often MORE responsive, and grateful to have someone that was there for them and focused on the moment, not other options, and I've found that to be the rule rather than the exception. So no, I don't agree with what I see as a faulty premise. Your cause and effect are mixed up here. Perhaps the reason the sex in some of those marriages wasn't that good is she realized on some level that she was with the type of guy who would cheat.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

You specifically DO NOT meet their requirements but they insist they want to date you anyway? Do it? Posted: 10/18/2009 12:37:02 PM
It seems many of the man-hating knee jerkers on the forums automatically presume its all about guys thinking with their little head. Yes, there are probably SOME of these guys that want to date the OP regardless, because she is an attractive woman. That doesn't mean all the guys she meets fall into that category, nor does it really answer her question. It all depends on what those specific requirements are. I know for me at least that I can not and will not date someone who is very religious. I also will not date a smoker, or anyone who falls into certain other categories (separated for one), regardless of how attractive I might find them. As far as having children, I haven't entirely given up on the idea of a family someday, if I were to meet the right woman. However, I've come to realize that may not be in the cards, and I wouldn't let that stand in the way of a potentially wonderful relationship with a woman I'm otherwise perfectly compatible and happy with. Like I said, the answer is, it all depends on those requirements, and what sort of compromises are acceptable for a chance to find real happiness.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

I know some will consider this sacrilege, but... Posted: 10/10/2009 8:02:08 PM
I agree that sex with your partner can and usually does get better as you get more familiar and comfortable with each other's rhythms, as long as you each remain open and communicative, else you do run the risk of falling into that proverbial rut. That being said, I don't think first time sex is necessarily a bad thing either. Any awkwardness, at least in my experience, is far outweighed by the excitement of exploring and enjoying someone new, learning about each other etc. Embarking on a new adventure is enough of a turn on to usually guarantee a satisfying conclusion, even if there are more extensive sexual fireworks in our future.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

implication of lack of interest? Posted: 10/9/2009 9:52:30 PM
That's exactly why its important not to invest too much emotional time and energy in someone until you've actually met them in person. You may think you have a connection with someone online, and it might even be true to some extent, but you're still guessing at one another's motivations when you're sitting there waiting for them to respond to a message, or see them online and wonder if or when they'll say hello. Yes you can be busy, but it seems a lot easier to be too busy to write (and thus ignore) when its someone you don't really know. Once you've met and found mutual attraction and interest, you'll make the time to talk or see each other regularly, no matter how full your schedule.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

I gave my girl an orgasm..... through her nipple? Posted: 10/9/2009 9:42:44 PM
Hey, guess what the most IMPORTANT sex organ in a woman's body is? The brain. Stimulate her properly and you can "give" her an orgasm through her knee cap. ;) Absolutely 100% correct! I've been lucky enough to have known a few women like this, and in the right frame of mind and setting, just about any part of her body can be an erogenous zone (ankles and instep, the aforementioned kneecap, the small of her back, the nape of her neck, the inside of her wrist or elbow) its all in play, and will definitely get a reaction. Touch what's between her ears first and you'll be surprised how responsive she can be.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Does sex feel different with someone you love? Posted: 10/9/2009 9:32:46 PM
Just another example of a younger person only seeing the world in absolutes, and not all the subtle variety it really has. There isn't anything wrong with you OP, other than you putting too much pressure on yourself and your partner. Of course sex (and anything else for that matter, as noted above) is different with someone you love. Now don't get my wrong here, friendly, recreational sex can be wonderful, and its perfectly normal to enjoy your body and all the pleasure it can give you, and others. But making love with someone you have a deep, soulful connection with is a positively transcendent experience. If you can't have sex without being in love that's your choice, and if that's what works for you, so be it. It might get lonely though, waiting for that perfect love to come along.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

How to Find Out The Real Situation Posted: 10/9/2009 12:35:49 PM
Instead of calling, I opted to send her a note (lest I forget any salient points). She just shot me a note and told me she feels the same way about me but in concerned about being unfair keeping me from pursuing other options. You put the ball in her court. Of course, she then promptly returned serve right back to you, making her appear indecisive and non-committal. I say go out with woman #2 and give it a try. If during that date you find yourself forgetting all about woman #1 and enjoying the company of the woman right there in front of you, well, you'll have your answer.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

When do you broach the topic? Posted: 10/5/2009 8:35:03 PM
Another modern myth: Chaste = asexual. You evidently didn't read as far as the "He won't survive the honeymoon but he'll die with a smile on his face." So far the responses I'm getting reinforce my image of men as just cruising for sex, with no interest in women as human beings. Guess what? We're more than just propulsion units to bring our crotches to your bedroom. So far the responses you've left OP only reinforce my image of you as a bitter, damaged woman, fearful of intimate involvement with a loving man. I love the generalization too, that anyone who doesn't believe or want what you do is automatically reduced to being a "pig", with only one thing on his mind when it comes to a woman. Btw, chaste does equal asexual, in that you don't engage in sex. Doesn't practice at anything only make you better at it? So how do you intend to leave a man with a smile on his face when your skills are so rusty? In all seriousness, I don't think you need to necessarily put your abstinence in your profile, but in my opinion it should come up early on in your correspondence. The only thing you owe anyone is the same thing they owe you, namely honesty and courtesy. Be honest and do him the courtesy of letting him know before he invests much time or effort with you that you have no intention of having a relationship that involves physical intimacy, which most people DO think makes up an integral part of any loving relationship.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 51 (view)

new g/f cant handle her alcohol Posted: 10/5/2009 11:07:28 AM
It's my opinion that certain occupations REQUIRE a higher value set of morals and ethics. Doctors. Lawyers. (Yeah wouldn't that be nice!?) Cops Judges Teachers So the supposed point here is that people that drink have lower morals and sense of ethics!? Seriously?? Actually I agree with you that people in those professions should have a high standard of values, but enjoying alcoholic beverages on the weekend doesn't lower that standard. I do see an awful lot of over reaction here, and the usual shouts of "run" from the POFers who'd rather bail than communicate. Nowhere did the OP say that his new lady friend was drinking during work. It sounds like he has seen her on different weekend nights when she's had a few with her friends and hasn't handled it well. Having a few isn't necessarily a problem. Now getting bombed whenever you do drink, regardless of how often you drink, could indicate a problem. I've known plenty of social, weekend drunks and even alcoholics (my father for one), so I know what I'm talking about here. If you care about this woman OP, sit her down and talk to her about your concerns, that you've seen her out of control quite a few times recently and you're worried about her behavior. If its not a weekend for her without booze you might have an issue, but give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

If you kiss someone that smokes a lot Posted: 10/4/2009 5:42:16 PM
This has some relevance to me, since I'm currently seeing a woman that does smoke. When we first started seeing each other she was wearing a patch and hadn't smoked in a few weeks. Then she went on a vacation with some family and told me she started up again. And I may have even contributed; I'm one of those people that can have just one cigarette, then not have another for months. We were out recently, and I had that one cigarette while outside with her for some fresh air (yes, I get the irony!), and it seemed like I opened a door for her to smoke around me. Now she is smoking fairly regularly again, and in the long run that's going to be a problem for me. I'm not worried about going back to being a smoker myself, but I don't like the smell or taste of it on her, and then consequently on me. Like anything else, I guess it comes down to talking to her about it, without drawing some line in the sand. Anyone been successful with getting the man or woman in your life to stop smoking without being an overbearing jerk about it?

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

My own worst enemy....help! Posted: 10/3/2009 8:42:08 AM
OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you want. What is wrong is being so restrictive and making unwarranted assumptions about someone without even getting to know them. You admittedly don't have much experience dating; why not trying just going out with someone for a drink, a hockey game (now that the season has started), or any other mutually enjoyable event. It doesn't mean you have to get involved long term with the guy. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, expecting to find the perfect person that fills each and every one of your little check boxes. You might find someone that way, but it certainly decreases your odds. You'd be much more successful if you give up some of the prerequisites and just go out and enjoy someone's company who you find attractive, intelligent and reasonably nice. Open yourself up to new experiences and new people and you just might be surprised at who you find. There's a great line I quote often, from a movie called "Fools Rush In", in which the male lead meets a woman who is completely against the type he would normally go for. In spite of all that he falls head over heels for her anyway, and he says to her, "You're everything I never knew I always wanted." Life isn't a movie of course, but take a page from that, and be open to something you didn't think you would be, if for nothing else than a change of pace, and to find out who you really are now, as a single woman.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

How not to screw it up. Posted: 10/3/2009 8:21:13 AM
I'd give you the same advice I'd give anyone else, regardless of their age. Namely, be honest. Be courteous. Be patient. Treat him the way you want to be treated yourself. Make sure you are friends before you become lovers. And don't pressure and burden yourself or him with unrealistic expectations. Good luck!

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

....i do......but he doesnt Posted: 9/29/2009 2:44:04 PM
You want something that he clearly doesn't (marriage), so what exactly do you think will change if you give up your home and your current job and are basically his kept woman? Sounds like you already have your doubts about this guy, what with the mention of secrets in his life, so given that I don't see why you would even consider turning your life and your child's upside down to be with someone who isn't on the same page as you regarding the future of your relationship.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

What do we do when not attracted to our date? Posted: 9/28/2009 11:17:44 AM
You handled it just fine OP; its your date that had the issue, but that falls out side your area of concern. As long as you are true to yourself and honest, I say keep on doing what you are doing. If someone can't accept a simple, polite rejection that is their problem, not yours.

Happily Ever...maybe

Joined: 2/13/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

need advice about best friend living wth me Posted: 9/26/2009 10:05:31 AM
Damn, this is one I actually lived thru myself, in a 1 BR apt. I had a friend call me to tell me his wife (and mother of his child) came home one day and told him she thought she was a lesbian and wanted to end things. A good friend says, "Come on over dude, you can stay here as long as you need to." At first I expected him to be down of course, and drowning his sorrows a bit. But over the next month or 2 it continued almost non-stop. He was going to school at least, but said that his courses were so difficult and he needed all his spare time to study, that he couldn't get a job. However, that didn't keep him from drinking constantly, as well as doing coke regularly. Then there was the lack of any privacy when my GF at the time would come over. I'd ask him to make himself scarce for a night, maybe stay at his parents, while her and I spent some private time together (which was limited by HER school schedule), but we'd come home from dinner and he'd be sitting on the couch, watching TV and quite obviously having no intentions of leaving. Finally I had to say something to him, that I couldn't help him anymore if he wouldn't make an effort to help himself, and told him that basically he's worn out his welcome and would need to find other living arrangements within a week or so. He moved his stuff out the next day while I was at work, still owing me money for some bills. Our friendship soon withered and eventually died off, but if that was the kind of friend he chose to be, did I really need him in my life? If he is taking advantage of your friendship and generosity OP, you need to flat out tell him. If he can't deal with that level of honesty, how much of a friend is he after all?

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