Time Magazine Cover Story Unfaithfully Yours Why do couples break up? chat & forums.

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philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Time Magazine Cover Story Unfaithfully Yours Why do couples break up? Posted: 7/7/2009 1:18:58 PM
What breaks up marriages is a simple question. The people in a marriage break it up. For a marriage to break up one or both parties have to give up on it. Now, as to the reasons that a person gives up on their marriage. This question is wide open and depends heavily on an individuals character.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

Qualities of a good stepdad or stepmom Posted: 6/23/2009 9:23:22 PM
Interesting analysis Jodarae. I think in your situation we would both be right. You filled a parenting role there that didn't seem to be filled by either bio-parent ... so by parental neglect you became the real parent in the relationship. I also suspect that this is more common then most people would like to believe. In my situation my ex is a very good parent and so am I so her live in boyfriend doesn't need to fill any role other than friendship. My girls like him and he keeps my ex happy so its all good. One thing about his role though is that he has no part in discipline ... that is for a parent and that is not a role he fills. There are already two strong parents that communicate well in the picture.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Qualities of a good stepdad or stepmom Posted: 6/23/2009 8:23:24 AM
Being a stepparent can be difficult. There is no pre-defined role that a stepparent fills. The role is specifically defined by the bio-parent. For example ... a widow with young children may be looking for a partner to fill a full time parenting role with all the rights and responsibilities that entails. A divorced parent with an ex that they share custody with who is also a good parent is probably looking for someone for them. In this last case you would fill a friend/babysitting role if you married into this classic Canadian family (2 kids and an ex). The thrust of this discussion is there are a lot of different situations out there and there are different roles that step parents fill in each of them.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

How do I ask a guy out on a first date? Posted: 5/11/2009 2:48:46 PM
Hey Ryan, would you like to take me on a pool table? LMAO If a woman asked me this after I'd been flirting in email and on the phone for a bit I'd be all over it.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Girls hitting boys Posted: 5/11/2009 2:42:16 PM
It is always ok to defend yourself. Its like when my oldest daughter was in daycare ... years ago. My ex and I were called in to discuss my child punching another child. When I got there the staff had told me that they don't allow violence (generally a good policy). When I saw my daughter sitting there with a bandage wrapped around a huge bite mark on her arm I asked her what happened. She told me that another child had bit her arm and that she punched him like I had showed her until he stopped biting her. I asked her if she stopped hitting him when he stopped biting her and she told me she had. At this point I looked at the staff and they seemed very uncomfortable. I told them that I agree with their no violence rule but what my daughter had done was not violence ... it was dealing with a violent situation. They agreed and the matter was dropped.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Teen living common law under your roof... Posted: 5/11/2009 2:22:28 PM
There are two topics here for discussion. One is about allowing underage kids to drink and do drugs in your home and the other revolves around letting your son/daughter live with someone under your roof. I don't allow underage drinking in my home but my oldest child is 14. At 17/18 I'd let her have a party that had alchohol at it. I wouldn't openly support it but if her and her friends were drinking I probably would tell them to be careful and not to overdo it. I would not allow any illegal substances in my house. Now ... as to the second topic of letting your son/daughter live with someone in your house. I would allow it. I believe in my childrens judgement of people and if they choose to give their hearts to someone I will support that. If they are living in my house then I can tell them my thoughts and feelings about living together and how to get along. LOL ... they may learn from my mistakes. And if things don't work out then I can throw his ass out into the street. With my help and their good judgement (which I helped develop) they will have a good start on life.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

Question about college ... Posted: 1/7/2009 11:54:55 AM
Let them live in wonderland for as long as you can because once they leave they can't ever go back. We are only children once and going to school and studying is natural for a child even if they don't like to do it. My daughters are in high school now but I've told them that if they want to waste time to waste it in school and I'll pay for it. I want them working towards a degree and I don't even care what its in as long as its something they enjoy. A degree lasts a lifetime and is an awesome jumping off point into adulthood.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Can I get some advice? Posted: 12/23/2008 9:26:07 AM
Its easy to spout off advice from the other side of the married fence. Your friend has hopes and dreams that aren't being fulfilled and she is feeling desperate about that. Tell her to hook into a guy who is recently separated/divorced. They are usually just as desperate to make a connection and are willing to jump into a serious relationship almost right away. After 6 months of single life separated/divorced men start to get a little committment phobic ... its normal and its ok but it could be years until they are ready for a serious relationship after that.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Feeling like I have to choose! Posted: 12/23/2008 9:14:43 AM
To me it sounds like this guy is leading a double life. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a girlfriend everywhere he travels. Have you noticed him taking business calls at night?

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

I feel valueless, is there a real solution? Posted: 12/21/2008 8:08:23 PM
The problem with the emotional mood swings is very common on changeover days. The only real way to handle it is to have a very set routine for the first few hours of the changeover. That will get your son back into daddy mode and the rest of your time will be much easier.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

Extracurricular Activities and my Dilemma Posted: 12/16/2008 8:04:42 PM
wow ... itsallinthesoul and conscioussoul are so similar its scary. If it weren't for the general gender interests in forums you've posted to I would have guessed that you were the same person. You write and express yourselves in very similar ways. It wouldn't surprise me if you were both raised using the same parenting method. Now back to the topic at hand. I have a built in aversion to a 'parenting method'. Beyond the idea of loving and thinking about a child, I feel the rest needs to be customized. What would our world be like if every child was raised the same way? I guess I'm well off topic now ... LOL. My point is that parenting methods are designed to curb "bad" traits and encourage "good" traits. But that presupposes that the parent buys into the "good" and "bad" traits. Personally, I have a different view than many on what those are. Like the idea of discussing your views in a calm way ... that is one approach and then there is the approach to get really mad and express an irrationale view from deep inside. That latter usually comes out in a screaming match and ends with tears and punishment. But its a real emotional explosion and I want my children to be able to use that energy and intensity to break out of the normal and mundane. To do something they feel is right no matter how irrational it seems at the time and to have the emotional fortitude to carry it through. I will fight the idea of raising children by "method" because I feel for right or wrong that following any "method" will produce a society of drones who are courteous, friendly, and logical. Where would the artists be ... the crazies that cut off their own ear and paint like a god. Or the dreamers that see all the colours and emotions within our world and invent our futures.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

Extracurricular Activities and my Dilemma Posted: 12/16/2008 8:39:52 AM
ok ... so a few words about the parent child relationship. Parents are the gods of a childs world and children are the ultimate manipulators. Children are experts at learning and adapting to almost any circumstance ... that's why my 14 year old is just as adept now at pushing her boundaries as she was at 2. But that is a parents job ... to set boundaries. As a parent we set boundaries and disipline to ensure the safety and well being of our children. And we use age and circumstance appropriate disipline measures. A 2 year old reaching for the hot stove needs their hand pulled away and slapped (not broken or injured but stung) so that its a little tramatic and they learn that the god of their world is going to react badly when they reach for the stove. Then you give them a hug after to make them (and yourself) feel better. At 14 when she was outside the boundaries I set for her and late because she was pressured by her friends I just took her cellphone away for a week and you'd have thought the world was ending for her ... good reaction. We discussed boundaries and limits and came to a mutual agreement on where boys and friends should be prioritized in her life. When she accomplishes I praise her and I give her opportunities for growth and accomplishment. I punish when she steps out of her boundaries. And I negotiate with her on where those boundaries need to be set. In everything good parents do as a parent, they try and consider the short medium and long term effects of their actions on their children. No one is perfect but children turn out ok if they have parents that care and love them.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

Extracurricular Activities and my Dilemma Posted: 12/15/2008 7:06:53 PM
I don't think its a matter of pitting extra curricular activities against chores/grades. Because all three are needed in his life. There are other very good ways to punish a 14 year old boy on his grades. I found embarassment works wonders at that age. Show up at his school to talk to his teachers in your pjs, bath robe, and curliers just after school when all of the kids are outside. Even threaten it and I'm sure that will shape him up for that. When my 14 year old daughter 'chose' to stay at the youth centre when I 'asked' her to come home. I grabbed speado underwear and a cut off t-shirt to show off my belly and flip flops and went down there to pick her up ... she now comes home when I ask her to. I didn't need to take away her basketball or volleyball. Even better I got her a cell phone and watched her usage climb month after month until she is texting about 2000 events a month. Now that she's addicted the best punishment for things is to take her phone away and ground her from the computer except to do her homework. Creativity is the key and knowing what you're willing to sacrifice. I wouldn't threaten to take basketball away because my daughter is stubborn enough to say ok take it away even though she loves it and its good for her.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Why do men lose the ability to ejaculate as they get older? Posted: 12/12/2008 7:51:48 AM
ejaculation at an older age is definitely mental. There have been women in my past that I wasn't able to cum for. And then there are those women in my past that have brought me to orgasm many times in a night. The difference is the former is just passing the time and the latter is a wish cum true ... LOL

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Developing a better relationship with the ex after divorce? Posted: 12/4/2008 8:16:30 PM
I have a really good relationship with my ex. We love our children and we are both awesome parents. Its tricky between us though. We still love eachother but know that we can't be together because we're just not right for eachother. The hard part is trying to figure out how much of your ex spouse you can take without wanting more and without the friendship dying. Its working for my ex and I right now but who knows what will happen. One of us may end up in a serious relationship and what happens if the new person doesn't like our friendship.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Potty Training My daughter? Posted: 12/4/2008 8:06:28 PM
I have two daughters and we trained them in a weekend at about that age. Patience is important. Lots of liquids and timing. We sat them on the potty shortly after they had drank their juice and when they went pee we did the "pee pee on the potty" dance for them. They laughed and giggled ... they loved it. Seeing dad moving to the rhythm of "pee pee on the potty" or "poo poo on the potty" was the best training tool. It just took catching it once and after that they were motivated to run and try all the time and yell at me when it happened so I could come in and do the dance. Night time is a different story. Pull ups and patience ... if they are going potty during the day they will eventually learn to hold it. They don't want to be the kid in kindergarden that pees the bed all the time. Good luck and don't get too frustrated.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 15 (view)

Dating when my children know? Posted: 11/25/2008 9:39:20 AM
Wow ... this seems to be a pick on Smjle single parenting forum. LOL. We all have our dating vices. Personally I like to get the first kiss out of the way as soon as possible. There's nothing worse than really starting to like someone and leaning in for that first kiss and BAM ... fish lips. Try backing that into a friendship then ... LOL. "Its not you, its ... damn ... you just ... you're a terrible kisser" LOL Now as far as the forum on dating with your children when you're extremely busy. Don't date ... its not fair to your children to take even more time away from them. If you do have time when your children are busy with other things then get creative with it.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Stereotyping single parents Posted: 11/25/2008 9:14:12 AM
You know what ... I'll put it right out there. Single parent homes are disadvantaged. The same way that a person with one arm is disadvantaged ... this is totally obvious and shouldn't be in dispute. I'm not saying that single armed people can't do well for themselves but it takes a greater effort to overcome obstacles that two armed people overcome naturally. Two parents are better than one ... period. I'm not saying that one incredible parent can't make a good life for their child but one incredible parent could never match two incredible parents ... they just don't have the time and resources. The statistics point to THE FACT that parenting as a single parent is harder ... nothing more. No individual is disrespected and I'm sure that all the people talking on this forum are good parents and are the exception to the statistic ... of course you would be ... you're responding to a forum on parenting which would imply that you're at least a half decent parent. And the comment about a 19 year old with no kids is totally uncalled for. I'm not 19 and I have kids and I agree with her. Attacking someones background because you disagree with their opinion is ugly. Its ugly when politicians do it and its ugly here. As for the idea that a person has lots of single parent friends that don't have a child in jail ... that makes sense as well. Since you're a good parent and good parents tend to hang out with other good parents.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

How do you handle discipline? Posted: 11/24/2008 9:02:28 PM
ok ... so this is a really tough subject. The first thing is that for any parenting plan to work both parents have to understand and believe in it. You and your ex do not need to agree on disipline. But you both have to make decisions that are in the best interest of your children. If my ex had full custody of the children and was punishing them for something then it would be very hard for me to continue that punishment when I saw them for the limited time that I would have them. Luckily I don't have to worry about that and my ex and I have our children half the time each. The way we handle discipline is we don't commit the other persons time. So if my oldest has a problem with peer pressure from her friends on my time then I'll punish her on my time. I'll also let her mom know (we generally talk about the children a few hours a week) what problems I'm seeing. Not so she can continue punishment but so she can be aware of the issues. My ex extends me the same courtesy and this is all because its in the best interest of our children. The one thing that never works is trying to dictate to your ex how they should treat the children on their time. Instead ... trust that they are a good parent and will make the right decisions and make sure they have all the information they need to make those decisions. Just because you disipline in one way doesn't mean that your ex should disipline that way.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Stereotyping single parents Posted: 11/24/2008 8:49:20 PM
Don't beat up on the statistics because you don't like the message. Smjle has put forth some valuable information that points to some correlations that most people would like to sweep under the table. The statistics are true and I've seen similar ones myself. Single parenting is tough and the statistics support that. And I'll bet the statistics get even more grim for single parents when you look at their backend support infrastructure. If they have a good ex or bad, support from family, etc. Single parenting by yourself with no support is a recipe for disaster for your children. But then so is abusive two parent families. The problem with this particular stereotype is that it does have a basis in truth. But to judge a person based on a statistic isn't wise if you want to make friends. There are many exceptions out there but don't be surprised if you have to sift through a couple or stereotypical examples before you reach the exception. Personally ... I like single moms. If they are the exception to the stereotype then they have an excellent view on life and good priorities.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Going back to school as a single parent? Posted: 11/19/2008 7:10:44 PM
Just keep your priorities in perspective. The first most important priority you have in life is your kids and their well being. You have 4 years until your oldest goes off to school himself so your first priority is to make sure that he can go. Quitting your current job and taking up school full time is irresponsible for your family and you shouldn't even consider it. Taking courses part time at university is a great idea ... and you can claim your tuitition expenses against your income and save the tax money.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

Custody issues Posted: 11/19/2008 10:48:34 AM
This is very interesting. There is no set time that a child has the right to choose but the courts do give weight to a childs wants if the courts deem that the child is mature enough to know whats best for themselves. In some cases this has happened as young as 9 and as old as 15. With that said your daughter can do whatever she wants. You need to decide if you're going to make it easy for her or if you're going to beat her up for it. I like lostgirl71 forethought in recognizing this particular risk but its still not a catch all. Common sense needs to be applied and as in all situations its always in the best interest of the child for the parents to be a united front. I would sit down and have a serious discussion with your ex about what is best for your child and come to some agreement then present that agreement to your daughter. There are still a lot of details to work out.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 25 (view)

Picking up/ dropping off disagreement Posted: 11/19/2008 10:18:49 AM
This is where the bitter feelings start and the only ones that pay are the kids. Have you ever heard the saying that good fences make good neighbours. Its true even when dealing with your ex. So here is the problem, you both don't agree on what the right thing to do. Its very frustrating and until you and your ex sit down and communicate your feelings and your frustrations this is going to spiral out of control. Don't get all tied up in a knot over this. Sit down like adults and work out the details of your separation to whatever level makes you feel comfortable and addresses the issues that matter to you. Then if anything else comes up either accept it or renegotiate ... its really that simple.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Joint primary care takers Posted: 11/8/2008 10:11:53 AM
My ex and I have an awesome joint parenting arrangement. It starts with trust though ... I trust that she is a good parent and she trusts that I'm a good parent. We may be terrible spouses but that doesn't matter ... LOL. Once you trust then everything else falls into place. You will provide the neccessary information for her parenting situation and she will provide you with the same. The other main point here is that even though I don't agree with many of the things she does as a parent I still believe that she is a good parent. I also think that she has the same attitude about me. We're different and we parent different and its not up to the other parent to judge just to support. We also don't commit each others time and we don't ask the other parent to continue punishment or sour their relationship with the kids because of something that stems from our time. In the end trust and communication are the foundations of a joint split custody arrangement.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 215 (view)

How To Continue Child Support When The Child Is In College Posted: 11/7/2008 12:26:45 PM
So as far as post secondary education is concerned I think the law is a pretty good rule to follow. Here in Ontario a child is the child of the marriage until he/she is 18 or older if they are in school full time. The limit is until they get their first degree. Sounds good to me but what does that mean. It means that school expenses like books, and tuition are split income proportional. Living expenses like food, shelter, and other necessities are more complex ... these are the expenses that child support is suppose to cover in the first place so if its a sole custody arrangement then rent while the kid is at school is covered by the custodial parent. Split custody then rent is split 50/50. None of this is rocket science. Its very clear when you read the child support guidelines that a lot of really smart people with kids have put together and that have been turned into law. Moralistic committments to your children outside the law, although well intentioned, can't lead to any constructive dialogue other than enflaming emotions. Yes I'm talking to you Liz.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Should he stand or sit when he goes to the bathroom? Posted: 11/4/2008 7:27:27 AM
Standing or sitting doesn't make a difference. You are not defined as a man because you stand and pee. We need perspective here people. This boy will eventually stand and pee ... you just can't avoid the fun stuff like writing in the snow or target practice in the woods. Maybe on your time you could give him lots of juice and work on his aim and then announce to your ex the accomplishments of what targets he hit and from how far away ... LOL.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

Can any single parents advise me please? Posted: 11/4/2008 6:52:56 AM
So after 5 years of separation she is still talking 3 hours a day about him to you? ... that is insane. She needs therapy to deal with her addiction to her ex. Half the value of the marital home is the law here in Canada so I can understand that. Your friend is addicted/obsessed with her ex. He is brushing her off and cold to her because every other weekend she tries to talk to him when he doesn't really want anything to do with her. He is sending her unpleasant letters through his lawyer for the same reason. I've seen stalking behavior before and other than the 20 phone calls a day this starts to get close. The increased agitation kind of scares me ... what is this woman capable of? If she feels that everything is lost is she beyond a murder suicide scenario? As for your involvement from 3 hours away ... could you imagine what it would be like if you lived there? You are her friend and you're considering cutting her off ... soon you may be sending her nasty lawyer emails as well ... LOL ... just kidding. But the reason you're the only one she has to talk to is because everyone else has had enough. Bottom line your friend needs professional help. If she won't get it then anything you do is just enabling her obsessive behavior.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 79 (view)

How To Continue Child Support When The Child Is In College Posted: 9/28/2008 8:01:05 PM
This issue is addressed in Canada ... a child continues to be a child of the marriage if he/she attends a post secondary institution full time for up to 4 years.

philrook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 149 (view)

Child support Posted: 9/28/2008 7:52:55 PM
Even with split custody you still pay child support if there is a disparity in income. We wouldn't want our children having two different lifestyles depending on which home they live in. That would suck. I agree with split custody. The hardest thing for all children is to not be with their parents ... both their parents. Children are able to handle the change associated with split custody way better than parents ... they aren't as set in their ways as the adults. When my ex and I split the advice from the child theapist was to split the week as well and since then I have my girls Wednesdays and Thursdays and every other Friday Saturday Sunday. My girls love it. They get to see both of us and because we're still both good parents and trust eachother in that regard it works. Trusting your ex is the key though ... they don't need to be a good spouse but you have to trust that they are a good parent.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 129 (view)

Man over 40…still attractive to younger women or not ? Posted: 2/22/2008 3:36:52 PM
I'm going to be 40 this year and I'm attracted to younger women. Mid-20s is perfect. I've seen lots of attractive women closer to my own age but their attitude kills me. Desperate and synical are not a good mix. Mid-20s single mothers are the best. They have thier priorities in order and generally have a great outlook on life. I like to get out and have some fun every now and then, when I'm not busy with my own kids, but I'm not looking for marriage or a soul mate. I'm looking for friends that I can hang out, have fun, be flirty, and maybe have some meaning with. I've generally found this in women who are in their mid-20s.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

17 and 3/4 year old girl wants a tattoo .. HELP? Posted: 7/9/2007 6:54:31 PM
Your child knows that they can get their tattoo in a few months. The reason they want to discuss it with you is because they think your opinion is important ant that is awesome. The fact of the matter is that she is going to do what she wants to do. Give her your honest opinion and forget everything else. In other words ... to hell with what her dad will think because your daughter is asking your opinion. She is an adult and I'm sure she can handle her father just fine. I have two girls 13 and 11 and I know they handle me just fine ... I can just imagine what it'll be like at 18.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

should kids be permitted to touch themselves? Posted: 7/9/2007 6:48:32 PM
Kids touching themselves is perfectly natural. Its a toy the kids have a lot of fun playing with and you can't take it away from them. But you can make them feel guilty for touching it which can lead to sexual problems in their adulthood. Knowing and exploring your own body is a healthy activity and understanding when that type of exploration is appropriate is also important. Tell your child that its a private toy and that they should its ok to play but not in public. If you feel uncomfortable with that approach then get over it and think of the long term consequences of any other action.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

when newly dating, when do you bring up sex? Posted: 5/20/2007 10:05:12 PM
Sex is about chemistry. If your body is saying yes but your mind is saying no then its time to bring up the limitations and restrictions around sex ... because there are mixed messages. If the comfort and chemistry are there and there is an unexplained hold up on sex then I run for the hills. I don't mind being exclusive ... I prefer it. I'm willing to discuss any sexual likes or dislikes. If there is still something unexplained then I've found its usually something to do with a past trust issue, physical or mental abuse. Either way I'm out of there ... I don't need to start a caring healthy relationship trying to overcome what some other "man" did. No offence to abused women. I can listen and offer advice and maybe a little direction ... I'm that guy that my friends confide in because I'm really easy to talk to. But I'm not interested in dating a "broken" woman. I'm sure its the same for women ... what woman wants to date a "broken" guy that is trying to get over his abusive behavior.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

Should the Ex have input on my career/job choice?? Posted: 5/20/2007 12:57:56 PM
He has the right to see his kids and he has the right to stand up for them if they are in danger. You have the same rights. Your new job sounds excellent except for the time you won't be spending with your children. Does your agreement with your ex cover child care expenses and support? If not then you will probably need to amend it with the time, expense, and rate of pay of your new career.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

Does it seem the older you get the faster the years go by? Posted: 2/14/2007 8:05:08 PM
This is just crazy ... people don't feel the passage of time based on how long they lived. We measure time by the new experience we gain. Time seems to fly by faster for older people because they have dropped into a routine, not becuase they are older. When we were young everything was new and we discovered so much every year that when we looked back on it the year seem to last forever. As to references to relativity. The theory itself isn't all that complicated but accepting the consequences of the theory is huge. If you want to slow the passing of the years then learn new things, challenge yourself to become more then just a robot following a routine.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Help--How is legal Custody of children decided in Ontario? Posted: 1/19/2007 9:51:24 AM
You have defacto full custody but that custody can be challenged because it hasn't been legally decided. The father of your child could EVENTUALLY get split custody with you if he works hard and puts the time in. As what earlier posters have stated the courts like split custody arrangements. Now about custody after death. You cannot will custody. You can make recommendation but if they're challenged then they won't hold up. The parents of a child have the rights to custody so if you want your parents/sister/brother to have full custody after your death then you had better get the fathers buy in on it now. Good luck.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Kids having no respect. Posted: 1/19/2007 9:37:33 AM
Completely over him in 6 months and you two had a 4 year old together. I don't think so unless you had help (affairs) getting over it. To understand why your child is acting out this way you need to understand what your child is feeling. Children regard their parents as the gods of their world and in her eyes you took one of those gods away. She is going to be angry at you but she will get over that. Discipline her the same way you would as when you were with your ex. Talk to her about her feelings and answer her questions about why you and your ex broke up ... but put it in terms she'll understand ... 4 year old terms. Children are extremely preceptive and hiding or not talking to them will confuse and frustrate them even more than what they are already.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

How old is old enough to stay at home alone? Posted: 10/10/2006 7:28:16 PM
I was fine with allowing my oldest to stay home while I grocery shopped when she was 9. I believe because of that trust now that she's 12 I'd have her look after her uncle who's 36. I believe she's more mature than him. I have no problem with her babysitting or hosting her own events in the house. She has arranged for a Halloween party where 70 of her friends are coming over. I'm providing supervision but she is arranging everything else. One of the most important qualities you can develop in your children is the feeling you trust them and the way to develop that quality is to trust them and praise them for a job well done. If you don't trust your children then how will they grow to be trustworthy?

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

What's The Difference or Is There? Posted: 10/10/2006 3:37:58 PM
Preference is a noun. Discrimination is a verb. I can discrimate for myself and that's ok ... ie. choose what qualities I like in a mate. But I can't discriminate at my job. They frown on that if I don't justify the qualities I'm looking according to the job I'm trying to fill.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 167 (view)

David Deangelo Double Your Dating - Any feedback? Posted: 10/9/2006 12:58:49 PM
DorkGeek ... you are an interesting person. Do you have anything nice to say about anything or anyone? After reading your posts and your profile I figure that you only come onto this free dating site to pick a fight and vent your frustrations at life. The reason why people "hound you for all the above" is because you have a cute picture posted on dating site and your profile shows some measure of intelligence. But I suspect you like the attention and it does give you a reason to lash out at men in the forums. You might want to seek help for that very soon though. Now as for David Deangelo ... he's a dating coach. Many good men in this world haven't taken the time to learn how to approach women and have huge confidence problems. Dating advice like Davids helps those men get out there and learn.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

How to tell a child they have another dad Posted: 9/18/2006 4:57:27 PM
And that impacts how a 'child's world can be turned upside down, how?' Because the degree to which a childs world is turned upside down extends beyonds his family. It also includes the attitude and circumstances of that childs peers. Back when we were kids with very few exceptions our father was also our biological father. So news that your dad wasn't your father would be very tramatic. Today most of the children live under different circumstances. My daughters friends have explained to me that your father is someone who is there for you and takes care of you and your dad is who had sex with your mom. My girls are 10 and 12 so they have a little more climatization then a 6 year old but the argument still holds. philosophy_rook

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

How to tell a child they have another dad Posted: 9/18/2006 3:03:10 PM
Just come out and tell your son. Its not such a big deal now a days. Most of the kids in his class at school will be from split families so he will be more 'normal' now. sweet-sunshine ... no offence but you're 40 years old now and your situation when you were 6 is drastically different then today. Sort of like the way old scary movies are just funny now. Or kids starting to have sex at 13 ... common today but unheard of when we were that age. Its still going to be a transition but I don't think it'll earth shattering for him. philosophy_rook

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

At the age of 12 do children really get to choose who they live with, how do we deal with the change Posted: 9/18/2006 2:54:03 PM
This is an interesting thread. I know lots of parents that are running into this issue at the moment. My oldest is 12. The 12 year mark is where the courts consider the opinion of the child along with the opinions and behavior or the childs parents. Either parent can request that the child have a lawyer separate from their own and the other parents to represent that childs interests. The courts will also examine the childs maturity level. If your son decides he wants to move in with his father and his father has demonstrated that he is able to take care of him then there is little or nothing that you can do. They will amend all orders ... this will include custody, child support and spousal support. The new Canadian spousal support guidelines have linked child and spousal support to some degree. The courts would prefer to move into a split custody arrangement if they feel that you and your spouse can handle it. If they don't feel you can handle it then they are more likely to award full custody to the parent the child says they want to live with. So my advice is to repair that relationship with your ex if you can.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

relationships with your ex Posted: 9/16/2006 9:27:56 AM
Hey Bandcamp ... it sounds like you had it all until your ex got a girlfriend. Now its not so good. But from what I can tell the things he's fighting for are valid. If he's the father of those children then they are his to. From reading the OP his children are 13 and 22 months and you guys have gotten along great for the past 2 years. So you guys must have been a family. Now he's dating someone else and wants to be in his childrens lives. Good for him. I think you're fighting an uphill battle here bandcamp. I wouldn't be surprised if he fights for split custody. Why not, he loves his kids and wants to be in their lives. Its also good of him to start custody battles right now with your attitude that you can just pick up and move to another province. The courts don't look favourably on runaway moms. I'm sure if you thought long and hard about whats best for your children then you'd think that having a father around that loves them and wants to be with them is a really good thing. Philosophy_rook

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

need a little advice Posted: 9/7/2006 5:43:08 AM
Angela ... seek help in overcoming your feelings. You have a family to think about. If that doesn't count in your mind then you have deeper issues then a simple attraction. The truth is we don't control our attractions but we don't allow them to ruin or take over our lives. Do you think couples that have been together for 40 years haven't been strongly attracted to other people during their marriage ... of course they have. But they don't allow those feelings to overcome their good sense.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 2 (view)

would he feel used??? Posted: 9/6/2006 8:10:36 PM
You need time to heal. But its not uncommon to make great things happen with the "rebound" guy. Philosophy_rook.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 17 (view)

Is it okay to say no sex before love? Posted: 9/4/2006 8:25:22 AM
There are different schools of thought around this issue. I fall on the side of not holding back. I believe that if feelings are there in that moment then explore them. Specifically to your case. If we were kissing and the connection was definitely there and you held back because you were unsure of where the relationship was going. I'd get out of there to. Not because you didn't put out but because holding back in that case tells me that you have a trust issue. People with trust issues are not good dating material or even good friend material. Trust is not earned, its given. Just like love and respect. They can be lost but the only way they can be regained is if the person gives them again. No act can earn it or prove it.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

I am so torn between the two. What now? Posted: 9/4/2006 8:06:26 AM
Zedex - msg 22. I like your intentions in your post. I don't agree with them at all. Cowgirl is a young woman but at what point do we give her the benefit of the doubt and stop treating her like a child? When she can buy booze? Sounds a little weak to me. And where I live she can buy booze and would have been able to make her own sexual decisions for the last 5 years. My experience with women doesn't allow me to assume that they are weak and need coddling because of their age. I have two daughters 12 and 10 and what I've learned from them is that strong Beautiful independent women can be very young. My girls are ready to take on the world (with their mommy and daddy in their corner) but they will make their own decisions and learn from the consequences of those decisions. In our family we don't use the word 'should' because that implies an expectation and the only expectations that matter are the ones we build for ourselfs from experience. You are an honourable man and that's really cool. Maybe cowgirl will become an honourable woman when she's your age. Today she is an adult that needs to be formed by her experiences the same way we were and still are. I applaud her efforts in seeking advice and its nice to know that there are a lot of experienced adults out there willing to offer it. I still say date them both and have fun doing it. LOL.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

I am so torn between the two. What now? Posted: 9/2/2006 12:13:42 PM
sorry about that psssst ... I was referencing zedexs comments ... I should have used quotes.

philosophy_rook

Joined: 1/20/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

I am so torn between the two. What now? Posted: 9/2/2006 12:02:25 PM
Zedex ... humane ... this isn't an animal shelter. And that "poor little confused soul" is an adult. Its very nice that you care about everyone but that isn't the point of dating. Dating is about fulfilling your needs. For you that may mean caring about everyone but don't assume that applies to everyone. I'm not saying that she enjoys killing puppies or anything like that. What she's doing is socially accepted and legal. Just because you don't like it or disagree with it doesn't mean its wrong to her. But I'm sure she appreciates your opinion on it or else she wouldn't have started the form in the first place. My question to you would be how do you or psssst know whats good for this girl? From what I've read without making judgement on her or anyone else is that both these men fill a need in her. As for the personal attack on me ... I can take it because I'm solid (like a castle ... which is what the rook in chess represents) and I have an opinion and way that I direct my life (hence the philosophy). Philosophy_rook.

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