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 Author Thread: Going with the flow vs. Charting the Course?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Going with the flow vs. Charting the Course?
Posted: 5/21/2013 11:20:23 AM
if all you were looking for was sex, yeah you can ask that right up front. hello what were you looking for today, something a little kinky or plain vanilla? but if you're asking whether someone wants a relationship, then I might have to wonder whether you're trying too hard or whether you'd be able to recognize an unenforceable promise... someone telling you what you want to hear just to get to the sex.... although i'm sure *that* never happens except in really bad places like New Jersey or Russia
.

.....or whether they're ultimately looking for the same thing but they'll just never like you and your cats enough to hang around for more than a few months.


To me, I think it should be explored in order to make sure I'm not wasting my time if my goal is a relationship

what is this magical relationship status thing? 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and every romantic relationship you will ever have that doesn't lead to marriage has even less of a chance of surviving more than a few years at most. so there's no way to avoid "wasting time" unless you wanted a shotgun wedding with no escape clause short of death. maybe stop pinning imaginary targets on people and just let the thing grow or die naturally on its own merits. otherwise you might as well be charging by the hour.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 329 (view)
 
Message Restrictions
Posted: 5/21/2013 10:17:52 AM
If Markus were really serious about cleaning up his site, he'd get rid of these tacky, insulting ads.

as much as I loathe the concept of defending tacky, insulting ads, those things are what keeps this site free.
http://blog.ads.pof.com/

the way the ads are targeted at readers based on their demographics is a different side of the house. so it seems like cutting into your source of revenues by telling advertisers they can't use what's a major selling point for *them* -- the ability to customize their ads for the user demographics they want to target -- wouldn't be a very sound or lucrative business decision. young woman reading: "Rich Old Farts Want YOU! Join Today" *click*..... (referral).... cha-ching.

that being said, I wonder if the options for "hang out" or "friends" are also going to disappear along with the married people and the intimate encounters. because if all I wanted to do is be friends with or talk to someone more than 14 years apart plus or minus, I don't see why anyone should care.

same goes for dating, btw. what's the magic algorithm for plus/minus 14 years anyway??? I know if you want to draw a hard line on others' behalf you have to draw it somewhere.... so plus/minus 14 years is okay but plus/minus 14 years and six months is completely verboten? it becomes bizarre and arbitrary, especially when that's a decision any adult should be able to make for themselves.

I don't understand why people setting their own age restrictions isn't sufficient.

I won't miss the intimate encounters, but like the age thing that's a restriction that people can select for themselves anyway.

it all seems very ham-fisted.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Guys...all hope is lost for internet dating
Posted: 5/21/2013 9:17:20 AM

I see complaining that their lack of success on POF is purely down to not looking good enough.

Don't forget arrogant and/or stupid as distinct possibilities.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Guys...all hope is lost for internet dating
Posted: 5/21/2013 6:41:58 AM
I haven't posted erroneously.

You aren't asking for a profile review, so YES YOU HAVE.


There's this fantasy among the average joes on dating sites that the women are only responding to the hot guys. I want to dispel that myth.

Spare us, Sir Galahad. Rules right at the top of this forum. Try reading them. First on the list:

"If you're NOT ASKING FOR YOUR PROFILE to be REVIEWED - your thread WILL BE DELETED. This forum is not a platform to just rant or make general observations about other people's profiles."
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
I did the unthinkable!!!
Posted: 5/21/2013 4:43:15 AM
It's funny how everyone claims there's rules to dating yet they are still single. so how come these rules aren't getting you a relationship.

the rules aren't meant to get you the happily-ever-after prize but to help limit your exposure to the wrong sort of people until that happens.


I don't believe in all these rules everyone is coming up with, what works for one person doesnt necessarily work for everyone else.

you don't have to believe the rules, because you get to set your own limits (or have a garage sale and accept whoever shows up) just like everyone else. not sure what kind of rules you think work for you (whatever leaves you less gullible in the future?), but at least the theme about personal responsibility is a refreshing alternative to the post-nasal drip we usually read about here.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Should I fly to see him..
Posted: 5/20/2013 7:38:15 AM
the look inside your eyes drives me from control
evoking visions of my favorite casserole
and if I eat your heart I'll also bite your soul
and when I'm done with that
I'll use your skull as a bowl


it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again
it puts the lotion in the basket
put the lotion in the basket. put the lotion in the basket. put the lotion in the fucking basket.


damn those cats are ugly though.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Shes on Vacation
Posted: 5/20/2013 7:22:04 AM
on vacation and not returning your texts.... one would suppose it's because she doesn't want to talk to you.
not too much of a stretch... is it?

the silver lining: here's a good opportunity for you to learn how to not be "a bit clingy".
that would be the "MATURE" thing to do.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Girlfriend said she wants to move out of the country for a year..
Posted: 5/20/2013 7:10:51 AM
Is this selfish of me for saying this to her?

a man's got to know his limitations.
my 1st choice of adjectives would be "realistic".


She now tells me that I love her conditionally but not unconditionally.

what a naïve girl, reading maudlin drivel on the internet about unconditional love and dropping little turd bombs like that. let her run off to costa rica and maybe she'll grow up while she's gone. and maybe you'll both still want each other when she comes back.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Please help im so lost
Posted: 5/20/2013 6:53:39 AM
I dont beleive that she is crazy because there were never any signs like this before. I want to beive there is something else goin on

crazy or "other major issues", toss a coin. either way this isn't going to end well for you if you insist on pursuing it.

when people remove themselves from your life like that, they are actually doing you a huge favor. you're too close to see it right now.

i'm sure you'll want to ignore the advice you're asking for. lost people tend to grasp at straws. so whatever you do, don't make any life-altering decisions based on your current emotional state.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Please help im so lost
Posted: 5/20/2013 5:59:37 AM
after a 180 like that, there is nothing to believe about her except that she's very unstable emotionally, and you are extremely lucky that you found out now as opposed to after the wedding. I know that doesn't resolve your confusion or ease your sense of loss, but these are raw feelings that will pass with time. so put your feelings aside just long enough to look at the facts and the difference between her words and behavior. the woman is unhinged.


I only have two months to fix this or she moves to texas.

you CAN'T fix this. you aren't her psychotherapist. although you might be able to say something that triggers what you will consider to be a positive reaction, be afraid, be very afraid, if she suddenly "changes her mind" with or without your prompting.

she told you not to contact her. I suggest that you do that and take it a step further... when she calls/texts/emails do not answer the message regardless of the temptation to try patching things up.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Weight loss seems to be the key to having a real possible relationship! Anyone have stories related?
Posted: 5/19/2013 4:22:39 AM
My diet is candy, donuts, mountin dews, whoopers and fries mainly and maybe greek yogurt.

kudos to you for having the most self-destructive diet ever devised by the mind of man, short short of sprinkling drano on your fruit loops.


Im just hoping that once I reach my goal (my Kerry washington body or Nichole Richie lol...but yea really)
That I find a boyfriend who may lead to a real future.

with a diet like that, you don't have a real future beyond the steel slab in an autopsy room that's awaiting your arrival after a very uncomfortable, slow-motion departure.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
[I guess she is pretty hot or you wouldnt be even talking about her/]
Posted: 5/19/2013 3:59:12 AM
So you were prepared to put your own feeling and needs aside for a virtual stranger.......

^^^^^ I noticed. don't do that, op.

I will say you dodged a torpedo although you did have a strange way of willingly throwing yourself into its path because there was a smiley face plastered across the business end.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
No attraction after 3 kisses?
Posted: 5/19/2013 3:40:15 AM
Sent him a text today saying how I had a great time. He texted me back that he had a good time but didn't feel the chemistry. I asked him if I said or did anything wrong (I mean, he kept kissing me!), and he said he didn't feel the attraction. I'm just at a lost of words for this.

1. Cold feet
2. Your instincts were off
3. He wasn’t that into you
4. He’s gay

And now you know that asking "Why" is just setting yourself up for answers you don't believe or can't understand. Let it go; you can't win.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
A man with ED? Questions please give info.
Posted: 5/17/2013 10:05:49 AM
To the poster that talked about the panties, I found that odd because he claims no one wants him because of the ED. LOL so where did he get the panties, off someone clothesline I asked and he said they were his dead wife's.

*facepalm, head meeting desk, stabbing out eyes with a spork*

well Happy_gal, your patience exceeds biblical proportions. i'll give you that.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Having a relationship with zero sexual intimacy
Posted: 5/17/2013 9:51:51 AM
It's not really about what I want or need, it's more about what I can get now.

I thought you said you weren't desperate? ...."what you can get" sounds just like selling yourself short for the lowest common denominator. i'd be inclined to start thinking you don't think very highly of yourself.


I had my first date in ages earlier this week and she left after 10 minutes. I thought it was going well, but she started playing with her phone and said she doesn't feel an attraction and her time was precious, so she was going to leave after the drink.

meh, that was rude, most people have at least the decency to fake an emergency phone call, but one bad date isn't the end of life as we know it....


I have no interest in these type of women - no, but they were the only ones replying or sending me messages so what can I do?

how about displaying a bit of intestinal fortitude? you joined mid-April this year. realizing that you may have been here before, but whatever. it doesn't really change my answer. don't be so hard up and thin skinned, or you will not do well here. lots of other ways to meet people, though.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Having a relationship with zero sexual intimacy
Posted: 5/17/2013 5:39:52 AM
I've had some interest on here from ladies my age or a bit older but they want companionship, someone to be there for them and their kids and nothing more. It would be better than nothing right?

personally, i would tell them to buy a dog except i care too much about the hapless dogs that people tend to buy for all the wrong reasons. looks like you're approaching it more or less the same way.... i'm not sure why you seem to think that any relationship at all (even one that you already see as missing something important) is better than being alone.


I'm not sure I would be truly happy in a totally sexless relationship, but I should try I suppose.

WHY do you suppose you should try?

you seem.... what is the word.... desperate.

you aren't 88 years old... hard to believe you can only find women who want a platonic male hanging around. is the drinking water in your area loaded with tranquilizers?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
 
How fit are you really?
Posted: 5/17/2013 5:35:20 AM
I was surprised to see I scored poorly in the 12 minute run calculator, I would have to run 7.3 mph for 12 min to score excellent. So I have to work on my running ability.

what are you running from?


Do people think these tests are reliable indicators of fitness, and how to you compare?

I think it's as good as any other online measure of basic fitness that you can find. I would tend not to second-guess the American College of Sports Medicine too much. but i'm not really interested in becoming an athlete. i'm all for a certain level of reasonable fitness and being as healthy as possible, but in my mind these people tend become a bit too obsessive about proving something (if you are an athlete you are pretty much forced into that mold), so i'm pretty sure I compare solidly to the end of the scale called "wastrel".

as long as I can do the things that I want and need to do without pain and injury, i'm cool. I do realize that at my age, it does require being less sedentary than my job encourages me to be, so in that respect the website looks fairly useful. but there's no way i'm going to be chasing some age-adjusted "excellent" score on a fitness website.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
A man with ED? Questions please give info.
Posted: 5/17/2013 5:09:14 AM
Well the man I started dating said he tried Viagra and it still was in sleep mode. So he invested into a pee pee pump in a black bag with lube and rubber thing with a pair of ladies underware in his little black bag that he showed me.

"too much information".

that's not something i could even be in the same room with.


So the question is most men over 40 do they have ED?

well "most" is a loaded word but to the extent that "most men over 40" are in poor health, yes. 20 years of alcohol abuse and a really lousy diet leading to diabetes/pre-diabetic has a way of catching up with you. just think of the neurological damage and people's toes turning black and falling off that can happen with adult onset diabetes.... all because someone didn't care enough to even think about what they were putting in their pie hole on a daily basis. nobody should be surprised when the dick stops working after 20 years of doritos and pepsi and getting drunk with your friends. (not suggesting those are the only reasons for ED).


Does the Viagra usually work with most people?

Viagra is a vasodilator; it's pretty simple really, it has to work with most people the same way amyl nitrite has to work with most people unless there's another, bigger problem standing in the way.


Does men go through a sexual fixation when they get ED where their mind is stuck on the issue?

naw, their mind was stuck *anyway*


Is it common for a man to complain that know one wants him because of the ED?

let's see.... "no one wants to go to bed with me because i'm completely useless in bed... here wait let me get the bicycle pump"... NO WAY! who would complain about that?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
When Is It Time To Say Enough is Enough?
Posted: 5/17/2013 3:47:29 AM
we're all searching for a needle in a haystack (except for those of us who are really undiscriminating).

the minute I hear someone say they have to accept being single, I know it's because they think they're settling for something inferior after tiring themselves out from putting way too much effort into an outcome that they'll *never* be able to control directly. why people insist on setting themselves up for this kind of futile self-defeat never ceases to amaze me. they must be emotional masochists. not the kind of people i'd ever want to date, btw.

it's just as easy to be just as happy alone (and quite possibly more so), as it is if you find someone who agrees to crawl into bed with you every night.

relationships are not a panacea for happiness. you can decide to be perfectly happy just where you are. it doesn't actually require the presence of another body to be positively engaged in your own life. for every person who told themselves they have to "just accept" being single, i think there are at least 2 more who have sold themselves out for a relationship that has become a tedious burden and dried out crusty musty stale.

some people. eesh.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Mixed messages
Posted: 5/16/2013 6:40:52 AM
5 days with zero communication? yeah i'd be thinking WTH also. snafus can happen, though. make sure it's not one of those. did you call him?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Professional Looking for Profile help!
Posted: 5/16/2013 5:33:32 AM
you say mature and then the second picture I see is some internet garbage of somebody's ass hanging out of their shorts. which proves my theory that 99% of the time when someone makes a point of declaring themselves to be mature, they will immediately do something that proves exactly the opposite.

making your headline like so much false bravado. "leading the witness". if you are really intelligent and mature, that doesn't have to be the first thing out of your mouth. oh and calling yourself attractive doesn't really count unless you were just repeating what your mother told you.

the profile itself is not terrible but not very engaging. you start off being very heavy with the platitudes and end up talking about a bunch of really superficial stuff, girly girls and a cute tattoo is ok. (wonders if you will think the flaming skull with the bulging eyes on my lower back is "cute"). as another poster said, it's all rather forgettable. the basic content is there (talk about your values and interests and what you're looking for), but it reads like you didn't put very much thought into it. the whole thing ends up coming across like an empty suit.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Met once, now I'm just a text buddy?
Posted: 5/15/2013 10:38:26 AM
If you were treating someone else the way this guy treats you, wouldn't you be keeping them around as a back-up plan? So why settle for being put on the back burner, unless that's all you were interested in him for.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Are there friend zone indicators?
Posted: 5/15/2013 8:38:28 AM
Now he, along with most guys in our group interpreted this in a way that he's always the friend zoned one, while most women in our group were of the opinion that this is not an indication of him being friend zoned but rather that the women who confide in him feel comfortable and at ease with him.


Guy Translation: If I'm good enough to confide in, why am I also not good enough to fuck? (Sex is primary: Simple)

Gal Translation: We want to talk about our thoughts and feeeeeeelings to someone who will listen, but that doesn't mean we also want to fuck you, or any of our other friends either, hello! Get your mind out of the gutter. God is that all you think about? Here I am bearing my soul and you're looking at your watch and wanting to know when the sex will happen? Perverts! (Sex is secondary: Waaay too complicated for simple.)

Male Friend Zone Indicator: He will fuck you but other than that he really doesn't want to hear about your problems and dreams or how was your lovely day. "What are you doing this weekend" is only of interest if it involves having sex with him.

Female Friend Zone Indicator: You are done here, put on your ugly pants and go home now, I have plans.

Yeah we can be just as callous. Woot!
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Something that started so casually....
Posted: 5/15/2013 7:01:08 AM
so,,,your claiming you would feel exactly the same about this situation if the boy in question were your own son? that was all my point was.......

no, that's not what i'm claiming. that's what YOU are claiming that i'm claiming... see the difference?


i just don't think the actual circumstances would illicit the same response you gave here as emotional attachments have a funny way of changing a person's opinion in situations like the one described here,

sure, that's why some unthinking adults will make excuses for their child even if he is clearly guilty of some disgusting crime. meanwhile, if the police had ever asked me to bail my kids out of jail for any reason, I would have said sorry, i'm not spending my discretionary funds on saving them from their misadventures. let them stay in there and think about just how long it will take for the meat grinder of justice crank them thru the system.

also, if my adult son wanted to do something that i thought was completely bizarre albeit completely legal (e.g., involving himself with a woman twice his age)... it's not that I wouldn't pretend to not care or that I wouldn't let him know I think he's doing something that I think is stupid. but as an adult, he doesn't actually need my approval, get it? and in the end there's nothing i could really do to stop him. "don't say you weren't warned, but i'm not in the business of saving you from your own decisions."

so although I would never admit to not having any personal bias, I would at least be rational enough to set my bias aside for a fact and/or a larger principle (freedom/responsibility). my sympathies if you can't manage to do the same, but thanks for at least admitting your weakness.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Learn to Take a Hint...I Don't Want to Be Cruel
Posted: 5/15/2013 6:15:21 AM
I get laid, and have no shortage of women wanting to date me. I currently have TWO crying everyday that I will be leaving LA soon and hoping that I will suggest that they come with. Of course they don't know about the other.

playa.

so by your own definition, they're obviously over-estimating the hell out of you. no informed woman in her right mind would expect YOU to stick around or turn out to be a good prospect. you've made that clear.


Stop with all the crazy assumptions and projecting. The men on this post are all losers

the irony.


I work out every other day. Cardio AND weight lifting. I'm slightly over 6'2 and in EXCELLENT shape. And since I am Greek and Italian, I also maintain a very lush, full head of dark hair. And none of this is bragging,

no, but some people will think you're over-compensating for having the personality of a 4" penis. oh well.


I'm trying to jolt them into the reality

no you're not. you're being duplicitous so that you can have it both ways. if you really wanted to jolt anyone into your reality, you'd be just as direct with the women you're banging for sport as you are with everyone else here. as for your original complaint about women getting ahead of themselves and wanting to plan your life, you are the least common denominator. it must have been something you said.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Does one picture ever turn you away?
Posted: 5/15/2013 6:02:46 AM
Hello ladies and women,

thank you for noticing the difference


When you're scanning a guy's page, do you ever click away and move on as a result of seeing ONE bad picture?

yes, depending on the picture.


For me it has something to do with acknowledging the character of the person, or thinking the picture is indicative of who they are, or part of who they are. One bad pic is all it takes for me to move on.

we all keep these little rating systems inside our heads. so yay for posing with dead animals, shirtless self-portraits, football jerseys, greasy hair, and the dull stares of mouth-breathing nascar fans. there goes 152 profiles this week that I don't even have to read.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Did I already mess this up?
Posted: 5/15/2013 4:24:53 AM
I decided to handle the situation by telling him that I didn't think he cared for me as much as I cared for him and that although I didn't want to I thought we should end things.

so what you did is get aggressive about some drunken nonsense texting a few days after the fact by suddenly announcing that you were going to end things with him...... well the cat is out of the bag now, and what has been heard cannot be unheard.

continuing the post-mortem:

I understood why he was upset and I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He responded by telling me that he wasn't mad at me he was just kinda freaked out by the whole thing.

in other words, he responded by giving a different answer than the question you actually asked. ??? you were both being very indirect and cagey with each other. i'm picking & choosing here but there are other examples of it I saw throughout your post. also this is just one little story, the straw that broke the camel's back as it were, so who knows what else has been said along the way that came with an ulterior motive.


Please tell me what you think of this situation.

yes i'm pretty sure you already messed this up. never point a gun at someone if you aren't completely willing to pull the trigger, and don't tell someone you're going to end a relationship if you don't really mean it. threatening someone with your imminent departure because what you really wanted him to do is prove how much he cares by begging you to stay is disrespectful and in poor taste. these weird head games tend to backfire and freak people out in ways that can't be recovered from despite all the profuse apologies after the fact.


I just completely ruined the first good thing to happen to me in a looong time.

i'm going to guess that your obtuse communication styles went beyond what you described here. i don't think it was as good as you thought it was. the bombshell you dropped points directly at the underlying issues.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Blocked but still sending messages?
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:58:54 AM
My messages and message history with the individual in question are readily available to moderators or site administrators to filter through to show there was no apparent reason for a blocking.

the moderators aren't here to help you find back doors to the people who "accidentally" blocked you. the administrators aren't here to help you negotiate around your little misunderstandings either. "no apparent reason"?? seems like she begs to differ.

"do you really want to block FrancoDe? click yes to confirm."

CLICK


She sent a message this morning again asking if she said something wrong, I replied but the message came up saying that this user has blocked me plz. It has been this way for 2 weeks.

haha, 2 weeks! well if you say so, sure! put her user name in your profile headline and say "unblock me" you creative person you. or ask the woman who left you a glowing testimonial to get in touch with her on your behalf. so many options.

it's sad really, that for 2 solid weeks she can't figure out why you won't answer. boo hoo.

vvvv
never mistake healthy skepticism for "anger". keep talking though, it only confirms our suspicions.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Blocked but still sending messages?
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:36:42 AM
there's no way around getting blocked by someone unless the person who blocked you removes the block.

the block feature was recently changed so that you have to confirm that you actually want to block someone, as opposed to just blocking them with a click of the mouse which led to a lot of people getting blocked accidentally. so if she's really that stupid then maybe you'd like to reconsider wanting to learn anything more about her.

frankly though, i'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming you are lying thru clenched teeth so that you can (hopefully) do an end run around someone who thoroughly intended to block you for what they thought was a perfectly good reason.

nice try kid.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
not cuddling after sex for the first time
Posted: 5/14/2013 6:09:48 AM
it's hard to tell if you're completely clueless or just trolling, so i'll give you the benefit of the doubt and address your wretched little question in the manner in which it was presented:

having sex with someone with whom you can't have an honest conversation about the sex is a really bad idea. i hope at least your daddy told you to use a rubber.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Something that started so casually....
Posted: 5/14/2013 4:57:56 AM
to all the ladies spewing there ultra positive Oprah-inspired rhetoric....................think on this
now pretend he's your son

ok, i did.

i decided long ago that my son (who is now an adult) is responsible for his own behavior and personal relationships. i did my part until he reached the age of majority (my house/my rules), but now he's on his own just like the OP and her friend.... two consenting adults. that doesn't mean i have to agree with his choices in a way that presupposes i would choose the same things for myself.

where is this cognitive dissonance that i'm supposed to be experiencing as a result of your social experiment?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Experimentation on men who are on death row then experiments on animals
Posted: 5/14/2013 3:07:08 AM
yes think of the cloying headlines we could use to effectively sell the agenda: "Prisoners volunteer to save lives".

you are behind the times, son. it's already been done. go look up Holmesburg Prison and what happened there.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Found Soul Mate Inactive User :(
Posted: 5/13/2013 3:52:31 AM
I found my perfect love

No you didn't.


Anyone have any information on the statistics she'll log on again? I've tried and failed to search for her real name to contact her.

There are no statistics. But if there were, the statistics for your situation are 98% likely to be 2% completely improbable. Stop cyber-stalking people you've never met. Date them at least twice before you start stalking them.


I try to be.... realistic.

I'm having a hard time believing you.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Any advice would be appreciated...
Posted: 5/13/2013 3:39:56 AM
I guess I was kind of looking for a friend with benefits that I was hoping could possibly turn into a long-term relationship. As we got to know each other better though, my doubts started to grow about the possibility of a long-term relationship.

...after about a month of dating and "a special connection". Don't take this too personal now, but your explanations are very mealy mouthed and they get worse as you go along.



It's probably best to just drop this. You are not making things any better with the explanations.

^^^^^^^^^^^ Hello.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Cutting down contact with borderline parent
Posted: 5/12/2013 5:54:48 AM
More complex than you read in my op.. I'm a Special Guardian.. If i don't stick to the court order then I can lose him myself.

yes, I wasn't suggesting that you violate court orders. then i think you need to let the special guardian authorities and let them know what's going on. I think it's their job to be as concerned as you are, and they can put some teeth into it that you may not be able to do so easily.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
If you could change history...
Posted: 5/12/2013 5:36:00 AM
I would bring back the Dodo bird and the thylacine, and I would have listened to my mother more carefully. Not necessarily in that order.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
19 and never had a boyfriend...is this normal?
Posted: 5/12/2013 5:20:43 AM
But for some reason It seems like I'm being pressured into having one.

you're old enough to not feel pressured by other people suggesting to you how to live your life.


I have older folks coming up to me, introducing me to guys my age, as if they feel bad for me.

so let them introduce you guys your age. it's harmless. it doesn't mean you have to date any of them. on the other hand, maybe one day you'll actually want to date one of them some day.


But I wish people wouldn't make it seem like I'm the only 19 year old with out a boyfriend-- it makes me feel left out :/

just think of all the maudlin, teary eyed, suicide inducing, drunk dialing, facebook unfriending, gut-wrenching breakups you've missed out on. lucky girl.


Do you guys think I'm normal?

if you are going to force me into an online Dx, then i'd have to know a whole lot more about your problem. never having a boyfriend is not really a problem. it's one of those imaginary problems that people like to tie themselves into knots about ... Oh!! I've never had a boyfriend!!! *runs around tearing hair out*
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Cutting down contact with borderline parent
Posted: 5/12/2013 4:51:29 AM

We have a court ordered contact order in place which gives me flexibility to limit contact slightly when necessary to do so

i'd cut off contact with her entirely, just based on what you're saying here. aggressive drunk mommy showing up and shouting you down for some free booze in front of the kids? pfft who wants to expose children to that. let her call her lawyer if she doesn't like it. so cut her off, and then let her be responsible for her own actions. stop enabling her.


The last few weeks she's been turning up rather more drunk and otherwise out of a sober state of mind than usual..

tell her to stop showing up drunk for starters, or you'll report her for DUI and have her arrested. see you've solved your lil' contact problem and possibly saved someone's life as well.


including the fact that there is a very real risk of her committing suicide if she isn't handled very cautiously.

I think she's handling you.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 36 (view)
 
moving in after 3 days...can it really succeed?
Posted: 5/11/2013 4:31:16 AM
IMO though there is a world of difference between having sex on the first date and moving in together after 3 days.

Just to defy your logic for a second.... I can always kick a guy out at the end of the week if I'm bored or he isn't making himself sufficiently useful. Abusive?? Pffft, that's a good way to get shot ("Stop bleeding on my carpet!!!" *kick*). But if we had sex on the 1st date and he gave me an STD, it's probably something that's gonna last (potentially a lot) longer than 3-7 days.


The possible negative effect on the person's life increases a great deal more from him living there rather than from sex on the first date.

Not if he's cutting my lawn and fixing my barn. Get to work you sonofabitch.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
How to tell if you've moved past friends with benefits
Posted: 5/11/2013 4:12:07 AM
1. Ignore texts messages/phone calls when inquiring about things.
2. Doesn't come home at nights-remember, I said this was a neighbor so she knows his comings and goings.
3. Unless he's in the mood no one is getting sex.

1. Drunk again.
2. Drunk and detained by friends again.
3. You lost me. I'm not sure why anyone should have sex if they're not in the mood.

So, this is either a FWB thing as usual, or it's grown into something more but somebody is dating a schlub. Dating a schlub or just fucking one when it's convenient.... I think the difference is academic. But by all means, slap whatever label on it that makes a person feel better about the situation.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Being Stood Up Over and Over Again
Posted: 5/11/2013 3:59:48 AM
These are all men who made the effort to contact me and exchange emails with me. Then after speaking to me on the phone, they have asked me out to meet me and set a time and a place.

Now you know that somebody saying and doing those things doesn't prove a thing about their real interest and even less about their sincerity. Knowledge is power.


Can someone shed some light on why anyone would make the effort ask a woman out and then disappear??? Are they just trying to see if someone would say yes to them? If this just happened once or twice over a long period, I wouldn’t think much of it. If they didn’t like the conversation we had, then they didn’t have to ask me out in the first place. Or if they changed their mind, they could have email/texted some lame excuse.

They're stupid? Certainly there's no shortage of dumb people in any major metro area.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Ex stopped talking to me
Posted: 5/11/2013 3:52:25 AM
My ex and I have a long and complicated history.

Just look at what you are doing to perpetuate that.

So nothing has changed.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Why do women only want these men?
Posted: 5/11/2013 3:47:48 AM
Most (about 80%) of the women I know are in horrible relationships and I don't get why. They're usually attractive, talented, wonderful women yet the guys they choose to be with are the absolute dregs of society. Uneducated, lazy, abusive (physically and mentally), etc.

I suspect you of either overestimating their many alleged fine qualities and/or underestimating the dregs of society they choose to associate with. Either way, the fact that they're together proves they're both getting something out of the partnership.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
moving in after 3 days...can it really succeed?
Posted: 5/10/2013 3:15:13 PM
If people can have sex on the first date, why can't they move in together after 3 days? Answer that one my fellow POF geniuses.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 29 (view)
 
latest case of Blasphemy and Freedom of Speech
Posted: 5/9/2013 7:36:27 AM
It is obvious you ain't no constitutional scholar.


meh, there is a two-pronged test for what constitutes freedom of speech (a.k.a. the "Brandenberg" test in Brandenberg v. Ohio):

1. is the speech directed at inciting lawless action or chaos

2. *AND* is there imminent danger (i.e., a time factor) of such action happening.

that's why shouting "fire" in a crowded theater isn't protected speech under the 1st amendment, you "constitutional scholar", you.



Just make sure and remember that you almost have no right to complain about things or have a stance if you nurture this apathy too much.

i'm allowed to nurture complete apathy for the Turks. it's covered by the 1st amendment.

besides, I don't have any "standing" -- in legal parlance -- to argue for the Turks' right to free speech. they have to fight their own battles. otherwise why aren't they arguing on my behalf against political corruption or whatever else is getting my goat today??? you go ahead and have a snitfit about the Turks if you want, though. that's covered by the 1st amendment also.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Too pushy
Posted: 5/9/2013 6:18:54 AM
are you doing an autopsy on this has-been??? here let me help you with that


I recently dated a guy and when we finished he said it was because I was too pushy. I initiated the relationship. examples of me being too pushy would be me asking him if he wanted to do something on a weekend. He knew that I needed to plan in advance due to sorting out my daughter.

too pushy is relative. he was telling you that he didn't really want to be forced into planning anything because that's how he maintains control. So even in the face of what he already knew about your personal situation, he remained steadfastly noncommittal... because you were always an option, not really the focus of his attention.


I dont think I was too pushy,

I don't think you were too pushy either, per se, although you seemed to ignore the numerous occasions when he was giving you the brush-off. So in that respect, yes, "too pushy".


Even though I feel I wasnt totally in the wrong, it has knocked my confidence a bit, as I am not the sort of woman who sits back and plays damsel in distress waiting for the guy to ask her out.

men who are interested in you for more than just an option won't keep treating you like one.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Any advice would be appreciated...
Posted: 5/9/2013 5:38:57 AM
Being I'm being made out to be the bad guy,

stop prissing. you are at least 50% of the problem as you've co-created it with this other person by inviting her into your life in a very intimate manner, "full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes". it's not all her doing, but quite frankly she sounds like a harpie.


there are many specific incidents I could bring up that I was trying not to mention.

which certainly calls YOUR JUDGMENT into question, doesn't it? "many specific incidents", although you've only been together for a month and there's a "special connection"?? the more you say about HER, the more you're painting yourself into a corner. take a long hard honest look into the mirror.


I wish I could just delete this thread because either I'm going to be the bad guy or I'm going to have to say some negative things about her.

why don't you just accept your share of the responsibility and deal with it?


Maybe she's not such a perfect person though. There are a few things I could bring up that would demonstrate how demanding she is, her lack of respect for me and others, and even some negative attributes of her parenting.

but up to now at least you haven't been willing to let go, because you have a special connection. and after only a month!! amazing.


vvvvvvvvvvv

I guess I'm just wishing that she was the person I initially thought she was.

20/20 hindsight. "if wishes were horses and beggars could ride..." since you've been working so hard to ignore everything else, i hope you at least now recognize that you shouldn't rush into "special connections" so quickly. ;)
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
WTH, I mean, really???
Posted: 5/9/2013 5:01:21 AM
But I find unbelievable that he would go around looking for women (I know for a fact I wasn't the only one during these years), when he has a beautiful wife and two beautiful boys at home, all living this happy and swell life, the kind of shiny life we all dream of.

it's not unbelievable to him. he's been doing this for years. Charles Kuralt?? (famous American broadcaster). look up that one. gawd.


All the emotions have turned into a feeling of emotional numbness for me. I don't know whether to say something to him and, if so, what, or whether to message the wife or not. I feel I want him to know that I know, and, somewhat, to hell with the professional connection, but would prefer to do what is right, and not what is "crazy or emotional".

i can certainly understand the desire to say something. if you're going to say anything at all to anyone about it, bite your tongue for a few days and give it some thought first. or write it all down on paper, then sleep on it and read it again the next day before sending it off into the aether. edit as necessary, because you'll probably find that your feelings / perspective have changed noticeably.


That aside, I have an inmense feeling that I cannot trust a man again, and that I will never be able to find somebody that can become a life partner...

turn that around and ask whether it's men you really distrust, or whether it's your own inability (unwillingness?) to recognize when a relationship isn't worth pursuing (in light of your posting history about this guy..... you were really quite tenacious about hanging onto that one). because on the face of it, one sonofabitch you wasted too much time on can't really be like an emotional death sentence for you. so what you're saying superficially makes no sense at all, but i think it does point to some clarity issues and stuff inside your head that you'll need to address.

all relationships that end badly contain an important lesson about you. to find out what it is, you HAVE TO be willing to really hear (without flinching) that small voice inside that wants to explain....

best wishes.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Any advice would be appreciated...
Posted: 5/9/2013 4:43:32 AM
your first post:

sometimes it seems like we have some kind of special connection

......is pure bullshit. you've been having sex with someone for a month and there are all these things you don't like about her, but you have a "special connection"?? who do you think you're kidding?



-she's always asking me to buy stuff for her. If I don't, then she says I'm cheap. I make decent money, but I'm far from rich. I have to be careful with my money and she doesn't seem to understand that.

she thinks your buying stuff for her proves your feelings for her a.k.a. "special connection". and/or she's just poor but demanding and covetous, and you look wealthy by comparison. no shortage of those on this planet.



-I may like kids and happen to work with kids, but it's very different when the kids come to your home and are running wild and making a mess.

I agree w/ you there. i would personally never date anyone with kids much less let them come into my house. i tried that once... NUNCA MAS!! so if this bugs you that much after only a few weeks of dating, when do you think it's ever going to change?



-While she is a good mother, I was very turned off when I saw her get frustrated and start cursing out her children the other day... and it seems to be something that's not too rare for her.

"good mothers" swear at their kids on a fairly regular basis?? i see.



-A lot of time when I'm around her children, she just steps aside and wanders off while I'm the one left to watch the kids.

did you tell her you'd babysit, did you give her those expectations at any point, or is she just taking advantage. i mean even if you did it once, now she expects you to do it all the time?



-She doesn't seem to appreciate anything that I do for her.

yeah but you have a "special connection". EYEROLL.



-As we get to know each other better, I realize that we share many of the same values, but hardly any of . the same interests.

after your particular litany of complaints, i'm really afraid to ask about the "values" you share.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Dont know what to do
Posted: 5/9/2013 4:04:09 AM
EDIT: scratch the bit about living together.... my mistake. GOOD, that you're not doing that. it doesn't really change the rest of my answer though.

yep, you're involved with someone who gets drunk and "gets with" with another guy, and she won't communicate with you, but when she does it's different so you know something's off. i'm gonna predict right now that neither one of you will have the stamina to fake this "relationship" with each other much longer.

of course, the reasonable thing to do would be to talk to her about it, but you both seem so unwilling.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
here's my other prediction; it's a bit harsher though.

she's stringing you along until that other guy she kissed while drunk looks more like a sure thing. and the extent to which it seems like she's backing away slowly from you describes how lucky she feels with the guy she kissed while drunk.

this is what a lot of young women do, they use men...... they're completely spineless.

i'm gonna say don't let her take advantage of your feelings... END IT. good luck.
 
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