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msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 67 (view)

And what was your part in it? Posted: 10/20/2009 1:07:57 PM
It took a while before I realized how big a part communication--or the lack of it--played in the demise of my relationship(s). My example growing up was parents who rarely discussed anything troublesome--or almost anything at all, for many of the years I witnessed--and so I didn't figure out till well into adulthood that it was okay, even advisable, to talk about things that may at first seem scary, let alone when I should do so and when I should let it be for now. Still working on that lesson! Thank goodness I've learned that it's more frightening most of the time to not say anything and then deal with the resulting problems... --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

When you walk let your heart lead the way Posted: 9/25/2009 3:44:18 PM
I prefer to let my heart and my head walk hand in hand, no one leading, no one following (or maybe taking turns at both)--just happily strolling side by side. Hmmm, kinda like the relationship I prefer, too... --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

9-11 National Service day? WTF? Posted: 8/26/2009 12:24:43 PM
Re message 13: I have always loved your way of looking at things, Farceur, but you just made me proud, too. OP: One can remember at the same time one is performing other acts. I like to remember my beloved deceased mother, for instance, every time I give food to homeless people who are hungry. It's something she did, and doing it myself is, I believe, a fine tribute to her generous spirit. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

As men, how do you FEEL loved? Posted: 7/30/2009 5:19:39 PM
I'm asking but not because I really want to know. I'm telling you, but only because I'm sure others want to know (I don't think it's generally used as an acronym): BBD means bigger, better deal. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5356 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 7/28/2009 8:51:04 PM
^^^ Nice, Mr. Goat! Soon you'll be shaking the dust off your shoes... I posted this elsewhere but feel like I need to drop in on this thread for a visit too: Soft Focus Only the night sees these kisses our eyes being closed, all four the better to savor, perhaps without the distraction of sense we focus ever more sharply on the vision in our heads --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 2908 (view)

/////\\\\\ 6 Lines or Less //////\\\\\\ Posted: 7/28/2009 12:06:24 PM
^^^ Thanks, Hugs--you inspired this one: Soft Focus Only the night sees these kisses our eyes being closed, all four the better to savor, perhaps without the distraction of sense we focus ever more sharply on the vision in our heads --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 299 (view)

Why women want guys to come to THEM Posted: 7/28/2009 11:36:07 AM
^^^ Good points, Margo, as always. To which I'd add (for BOTH genders): If what you're doing works often enough that you're pleased with the results, then why change it? If not, it's probably time to consider changing tactics. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

When saying no becomes a thing Posted: 7/16/2009 4:38:08 PM
I did that... twice. I gave my unlisted number only to people who I wanted to have it. They shared, now everyone knows. One of my "well-meaning" cousins gave my cell number to my stalker because she thought I was being "too strict" and should give him another chance because he seems so in love with me. She was more concerned with what she thought I should do, than what I wanted. When I changed my number again, I refused to give it to her and she hasn't spoken to me since. OP, unless you want to keep repeating this pattern, it seems very clear something has to change. It sounds like you're taking some steps toward change already. Along with that, I would advise you to think about the ways in which you communicate. What is it you are telling all these people, directly or indirectly, that makes them believe it is perfectly okay to treat you in such a high-handed way? And what do you get from making yourself so available to them? The feeling of being needed? The satisfaction of being the nice, helpful one? They are obviously communicating some not-so-great things to you, but there's no way that would happen over and over again without your participation. If I had a friend who "shared" my phone number without absolutely knowing that would be okay with me, I'd tell that friend I wasn't pleased with that choice, perhaps even ask him or her to tell everyone with whom the number had been shared that a mistake had been made and they should erase the number--and mentally move that person to a "to be trusted less" place in my mind, one that would remind me not to give him or her my new phone number next time. While you're thinking about communication, a few other suggestions: First, caller ID is your friend. You have said that you need to be available for work calls, but do you otherwise have to answer it when someone who doesn't accept "no" easily calls? Nope. You can call them back--or not. It can be very freeing to realize that a ringing phone does not have a constitutional right to be answered and that you are NOT at people's beck and call. If caller ID isn't available in your area, consider getting a cell phone that ONLY your work associates have access to, and/or letting voice mail handle all your calls. Second, you may want to consider weaning some people from phone contact and toward e-mail instead. Conversations that are problematic in real time are often less so via e-mail. And vice versa, of course, but it seems to me you are feeling almost compelled to have some of these troublesome conversations, as well as to answer questions that perhaps shouldn't be asked and to defend your choices. Try moving to a different communication mode for a while, one that lets you think about your responses a while--and that lets people see in black and white what they are asking of you. I hope some of this helps. You seem as if you're in a lot of pain. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 368 (view)

How long do men feel the need to pursue? Posted: 7/16/2009 1:12:48 PM
^^^ True only of SOME cats... Just as with people, there is no one approach that always works. I think the lesson is (or should be) that you do what works for you. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

When saying no becomes a thing Posted: 7/13/2009 2:17:59 PM
People can't accept and respect that because (1) most people want their own way, (2) they're not very nice people, (3) because you've trained them to expect a yes (and/or other people have), and (4) they've learned that sometimes tantrums work. OP, the reason people are fixated on your behavior is made very obvious in what you've just spelled out. While focusing on why others can't accept "no" may be helpful to some degree, it seems to me you truly need to focus on how to further change your life so that you have one that isn't constantly interrupted and intruded upon. Perhaps moving to a different place and changing your phone number to unlisted...? --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

When saying no becomes a thing Posted: 7/13/2009 12:17:24 PM
Everyone close enough to know me and my change in attitude has been given an explanation. It seems to me that they're pushing and pushing just to see how far they can take it. OP, I agree that you don't need to give any explanation. "No, I can't" should be enough for just about anyone. The information you've given makes it clear these people were never your friends, though you may have been theirs. And of course they are pushing to see how far they can take it--that's what pushy people do. Now they're very surprised you're pushing back. The transition from yes to no isn't easy on those who aren't used to hearing the latter word! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 2832 (view)

\\\\\ 6 Lines or Less ////// Posted: 6/25/2009 10:08:10 PM
Your restrictions won't let me send this to you privately, pixiegirl; I wanted to show you where your poem led me--even if it's way too many lines for this thread: Monster Under the Bed It pokes and prods and stretches to reach further into the darkness trying to suck up what it can dust bunnies below the bed scurry to get away from the monster so hungrily intent on their death little bits of life flail helplessly spider legs somersaulting all the long way down the gullet of the vacuum cleaner hose --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

One Sided Love? Posted: 6/25/2009 9:53:59 PM
As I understand it, the OP is long since past the foolishness of kicking in windows and is now (or was, almost three years ago) trying to avoid giving someone who loves him, but whom he doesn't love back, the same deep pain he once felt. He was asking for the best way to do that--and my guess is that the woman who resurrected this thread today is hoping for help to get past her pain of being on the other end of the one-sided equation. How do you tell someone it's not mutual? Gently, I hope, and with as much love as you CAN muster. How would you yourself want to hear that sad news? I hope I'd say something like "I really, really wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved, something a lot closer to the way you love me. But I don't, and it doesn't look like I ever will, and I care for you enough that I don't want you to be hurt any longer by that imbalance." And then you duck. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

MY future as a crazy cat lady depends on your response!!! Posted: 6/25/2009 2:00:20 AM
Well, my cats have always shown pleasure upon seeing me. But they never bought me a cup of coffee. On the other hand, they never stood me up, either. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

MY future as a crazy cat lady depends on your response!!! Posted: 6/25/2009 1:24:02 AM
^^^ But can he do limericks? --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

MY future as a crazy cat lady depends on your response!!! Posted: 6/25/2009 1:11:12 AM
^^^ Crazy dog lady who thinks her dog talks to her in complete sentences? --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

King Sized Beds Posted: 6/24/2009 10:52:54 PM
^^^ It's good to be queen. Or king! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

What's your definition of drama? Posted: 6/24/2009 8:30:46 PM
Define "drama"? The POF forums on any given day. I always wonder if those who put the no-drama-please lines in their profile play a major role in creating that drama they seemingly seek to avoid. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5321 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 6/24/2009 7:16:44 PM
Crazy Quilt I have stitched together the remnants of my mind and made a patchwork quilt to cover my memory lapses the fabric wears thin in places as if the future is poking through or is it the past?

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 2829 (view)

\\\\\ 6 Lines or Less ////// Posted: 6/24/2009 11:36:55 AM
^^^ This is why you should always wear knee-high slippers. Fun poem! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Question Posted: 6/22/2009 7:44:56 PM
Those are some special eyes you have! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Question Posted: 6/22/2009 7:32:16 PM
Helps if I read the post THEN the mail, instead of the other way around, which was quite puzzling. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Question Posted: 6/22/2009 6:43:49 PM
Want me to block you so you can see? This may be an experiment that has repercussions for one or both, though. Wouldn't surprise me if the site keeps track of those who have been blocked a lot, as well as those who perform that action frequently. (I am in neither category, as far as I know.) --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Most rejections stem from what is NOT in her profile... Posted: 6/16/2009 1:23:37 PM
^^^ Oh, some days I LOVE the forums... --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 268 (view)

What is he worth? Posted: 6/15/2009 1:42:26 PM
OP, may I ask you a favor? Copy the pages of this thread and print them out to read at a later date. Set aside the hurtful posts, at least for now, and concentrate on all the posts made by people you surely know, if you've spent any time at all on these forums, have a great deal of intelligence and caring. There is love here, OP, and it's trying to get through to you, trying to help you feel less pain, trying to help you understand, trying to make things better for you. Here's a question I find almost always helps me see another viewpoint--and sometimes change mine: What if I was wrong? And rather than asking "What is he worth?" consider asking yourself: "What is it worth to me to have to be right?" --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

How badly do you want to be in love? Posted: 6/15/2009 9:33:32 AM
I can put it all into words pretty easily. But defining it, even precisely, doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to find it. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Why does the sun make people more horny Posted: 6/11/2009 5:03:10 PM
^^^ Pardon me, gotta go put some sun block on NOW... --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

End of a Journey Posted: 6/11/2009 4:03:27 PM
^^^ Oops, that should say "as the lover YOU wanted." (I accept that I make typos...) --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

End of a Journey Posted: 6/11/2009 2:42:50 PM
OP, you DID have "a real relationship"--it just wasn't the one you wanted. If someone keeps telling you he's not ready for a relationship, believe him, and also realize that sometimes the unspoken part at the end of that sentence is "...with you," but the one saying it can't figure out how to put that into words without hurting you. The man obviously valued the friendship you both had and kept trying to make THAT work. Maybe no one, even him, can answer why he could never "just love you" as the lover he wanted. But truly accepting it as it is, rather than going back to it again and again and worrying at it and trying to figure out why why why and if you could have done something different and if he could have been someone other than who he was and oh if only, will make your mental state a lot calmer and able to move on. Acceptance is highly underrated as a tranquilizer! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 177 (view)

Sex as a weapon (or at least a tool) Posted: 6/8/2009 12:49:50 PM
^^^ Isn't he already thinking outside "the box," having given it up in the interest of cleanliness control? --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Those on again off again relationships? Posted: 6/3/2009 3:37:32 PM
Some truly believe in "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 115 (view)

Sex as a weapon (or at least a tool) Posted: 6/2/2009 2:20:11 PM
OP, I'm going to take you seriously--well, semi--for a moment. (Doesn't your tongue HURT from being stuck in your cheek for so long?) how else am I to get my way here? One way to get your way is to decide that her way is really okay with you--and thus it becomes your way. Something along the same lines as wanting what you already have, instead of what you don't have. Then all you have to worry about is whether you both want sex at the same time. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

BEFORE the first date: a short Rant Posted: 6/2/2009 2:02:18 PM
^^^ Plus you quickly weed out the poetry haters! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

BEFORE the first date: a short Rant Posted: 6/2/2009 1:04:09 PM
Don't hate it, James--be grateful that they've revealed their communications skills (or lack thereof) early on and thus saved you time. If an initial message sparks my interest, especially coupled with the profile text and pictures, I am apt to encourage someone who may seem a poor volleyer to try again. We all have bad days and busy times, not to mention not-very-inspired moments, and I can recall a few less-than-stellar replies I'd hate to be the sole basis for judgment on me. But if the back-and-forth continues along the same feeble lines, I generally make much the same decision that you do: A conversation with this person would be almost certainly be too much work. Far better for both of us that we go our separate ways and find others with whom communication isn't so difficult. As to whether you're wrong: Probably not. But there is the other side of the coin, of course--those whose writing skills far surpass their ability to converse out loud. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5299 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 6/2/2009 12:51:41 AM
^^^ You're supposed to wait till the avocado is RIPE! Hope your nerve knits itself a nice warm--and knife-proof--scarf, and that (all) your fingers can go flying again soon. Inspired by a line in a movie I saw this weekend: X-Ray Vision At times, I considered kryptonite as perhaps some surety against the man whose super powers seemed to prevail over my sense as if he seized my brain in his fist reducing my will to diamond dust I pondered the chemistry catalyst and searched for cracks in his armor eventually his Achilles heel showed as he walked slowly away from me and my hero of the heart was revealed in his secret identity: ordinary man clothed in a costume of lust and hope his swirling cape provided by me woven from a tender touch of love --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 88 (view)

Sex as a weapon (or at least a tool) Posted: 6/1/2009 7:13:47 PM
The problem with using sex as a weapon is that it doesn't always end with a bang. Poor OP, having an unmade bed of his own making and no one to lie in it with... --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

What is the love chemistry? Posted: 6/1/2009 6:23:37 PM
^^^ Ding bing it, farceur, now I have that stupid "Stuck on You" song stuck in my head. And me without the solvent! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 91 (view)

do you remember being loved? Posted: 6/1/2009 11:14:47 AM
Serenity, I'm very happy to know my little mantra is of use to someone else! I haven't known many Buddhists, but the one I knew best was a wonderful man (alas, no longer with this world--though I am still in contact with his just-as-wonderful widow). Makes me wonder if the Buddhism brought that out, or if he was already that way and drawn to Buddhism because of it... I love the idea of practicing acts of loving kindness. Although I don't think practice makes anything perfect, exactly, it almost always makes it better. May your "in like" grow ever more perfect! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

do you remember being loved? Posted: 5/28/2009 11:29:12 PM
^^^ Right now I'm staring at a Post-it I stuck atop my computer screen earlier this year during a time I was feeling unloved--not true, never true, but somehow my mind still goes there once in a while--and again had the experience of love then showing up in small and large ways to remind me it was always there. It says, simply, "Love returns," and I hope it will serve to keep me from getting to the point of needing those reminders, wonderful as they are. I look at those two words and think about how they also mean that love given out from me is all but a guarantee that love will be given back to me--and often (or so it feels) with a "return on investment"--which then leads me to a Moody Blues phrase that has long echoed in my head: "Giving, without measure, gives in return." Although I didn't write this part down, because I am prompted to remember it almost every time I see the note, to me this short sentence is also the beginning of a chant-and-response mantra: Love returns Love never left Never have decided which part deserves more focus. For now, the first part is the one that unfailingly serves to bring me back where I need and want to be. And I remember, too, that my love returns to the overflow point even if if feels drained at times--but wait, it never left that point... Thanks for the great thread, OP. Been tracking it a while and finally had enough free time to add my thoughts. In return! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5293 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 5/28/2009 8:18:27 PM
^^^ Is there bafflegab that isn't B.S.? Good poem, sir! Do you ever get tempted to drop a copy of such a piece into these managers' mailboxes, anonymously or otherwise? Thanks for the welcome back--wish I could be sure of posting as often as I've been able to this week, let alone writing as many poems as I have recently, but that's not usually been true of life of late. Still, it's nice to be missed enough to have friendly words greet me on my return! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Not All BJ's Are Good Posted: 5/28/2009 5:55:24 PM
^^^ I'm still wondering how they talk with their mouths full. --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 129 (view)

Folding Fitted Sheets--Help???? Posted: 5/28/2009 5:29:03 PM
^^^ Alas, I cannot access YouTube... But I'll grin anyway, because I'm sure it's funny. (What if you don't have a four-poster bed?) --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Not All BJ's Are Good Posted: 5/28/2009 5:21:28 PM
Sometimes, OP, you have to be willing to teach a bit. And if the student doesn't ever improve, decide whether it's worth giving more lessons--or improving your teaching technique. But I'm pretty sure lying to anyone about how their effort was the best you ever had, when you thought it was awful, doesn't do either one of you much good. I've never had sex so bad I didn't want more though at times I became quite sure from whom I didn't want it --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

appropriate ways of expressing negative feelings in relationships Posted: 5/27/2009 10:18:00 PM
In all seriousness, OP, I'd say this is something that, to some degree, needs to be worked out within each relationship. There are guidelines, certainly--a poster above made the very valid point of avoiding putting anyone on the defensive, and for most people it also helps to let some time pass before bringing up these feelings, rather than spurting them out in the heat of the moment. But it simply isn't going to be a one-size-fits-all proposition; it takes time and experience to see how one's mate usually reacts, to learn what words may be triggers, to figure out the best time to say something and how to say it. And of course, it also takes wanting to hear it... --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

appropriate ways of expressing negative feelings in relationships Posted: 5/27/2009 10:08:40 PM
^^^ I want a no-hands demonstration of the darkest of the dark! --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5290 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 5/27/2009 7:54:56 PM
^^^ Your running haiku hold great truths lately. Maybe all that breathing in and out (not to mention the in and out with Breathing) does your creativity extra good. For me, it's sleep that does such wonders. (And also the in and out, as I recall.) It only [i/]seems that I'm circling around a theme recently: A Sense of Adventure They gather around her bed trying to be cheerful amid the hospital smells despite the end coming soon and as the dying often do she comforts her loved ones telling them, "Think of me as simply off on another marvelous adventure" and then adds, bringing laughter among the tears "But don't expect postcards saying I wish you were there!" --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5288 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 5/27/2009 1:46:02 AM
^^^ Oh, I am so proud to have inspired! And I like that last verse especially (though the part about bowing down to the earthworm is mighty nice too). When you get just enough distance from a city, those man-made lights can twinkle a lot like stars or fireflies. And that was a fine haiku there, Sir Goat. Church in the open air, and leave the pews behind you! (Depending on what you had to eat the day before...) --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 5283 (view)

Re: (GoatSmell) GoatSmell's Own Poetry Thread Posted: 5/21/2009 4:11:37 PM
Love the falsies poem and (partial) song above! This isn't at all related, though from a distance, gravestones can resemble teeth... Graveyard Shift We fill up the land, we humans do living and dead, we take over a place and sooner or later someone sees that the cemetery takes up space where condos and roads could go so the slow are moved at a quick pace earth turning into concrete and walls graves making way for the human race --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Why?!?! Posted: 5/20/2009 9:41:55 AM
You ask: Honestly... what is the point in this behavior?? The point is, as gtomustang points out above, because he can. I suspect he particularly enjoys the feeling of knowing he has an effect on you: He pulls a string, and you react. If you'd rather not be his puppet, then keep on ignoring him in every way--the game isn't going to be fun for him if you don't play. You might want to spend some time figuring out why you ever wanted to keep playing with him after the first time he upset the board... One good thing: He has given you some excellent behavior pointers to be wary of with other people, hasn't he? --Ms. Flis

msflis

Joined: 2/21/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Why do I always put my foot in my mouth about my weight? Posted: 5/14/2009 5:37:22 PM
OP, you might not know exactly why you do the self-sabotage--but even knowing why might not stop you, at least not immediately. What I've found helpful is to examine instead how I can change the behavior, and figure out how I have to think about it so I can remember to consistently make that change. In this instance, you might consider that by saying "Are you sure you're interested in little old me?" to someone who's already indicated he's interested, you are basically telling him he doesn't know what he wants. Heck, maybe you're even telling him you think he's a liar and a fool! And how rude is that?!? (You're also telling him you need reassurance, of course, but we're focusing on what will stop you from saying such things.) So do you want to be rude? If not, then give him the credit of knowing his own mind, and let his actions show you how sincere he is. With any luck, those actions will provide you with some reassurance, too, and maybe help you back even further away from the impulse toward sabotage. Hope that helps! --Ms. Flis

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