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vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Met a new guy and need opinions Posted: 9/21/2008 2:20:05 PM
Why would you think that? When do you think it's appropiate to stop going out with other women/men? I think going out with the opposite gender to do things I enjoy doing is fine at this point ( We Still have not discussed exclusively nor have had sex) We both want to go very slowly and I know sex is right around the corner with him, do you think once Sex occurs we should stop going to bars without each other and stop socializing with the opposite sex? Opinions and/or experiences?

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Met a new guy and need opinions Posted: 8/21/2008 2:20:30 PM
Hello.. Here are some of your questions answered: I am raising a child that live with me fulltime and combine that with employed fulltime, I have little time left over to give to a relationship. That is why I can't see him more than once a week right now. Yes, he has asked if I could see more of him but says he does understand why I can't right now but he says he hopes that will change down the road. I have not slept with him by choice. I have only dated him 5 times and just not enough time for me to feel I would like to have sex with him. Again, he says this is fine. Yes, I do enjoy his company and would be interested in seeing where if anywhere, it could lead but No, I don't feel as though I would want to ask him or express my wonderings as to his going out just yet. Nor would I expect him to not see these "friends" or date really as there has been nothing established between us..how can it be after 5 dates? I may not know this guys intention yet...If he is genuine or if he is dating or sleeping with others but I do know this..Time will tell. I really hope he has been honest with me because really that is all I do ask of him. If he is dating and/or sleeping with others then I think I do have the right to know as he has asked me and I have been honest with him. The guy who suggested I may be a great candidate for FWB...Well I won't even waste my time to type my response to that comment. Thanks guys~~

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Met a new guy and need opinions Posted: 8/20/2008 5:45:53 PM
Hi Candid, I know I should give him the benefit of doubt. I guess I just find it hmmm different in that a guy I am dating will also see other women so often. Yes he calls me every evening before going out with his woman friend. I dont know if he is genuine or not at this point but I guess I should just wait and see. I have said nothing to him of course as I dont feel I have that right and to be honest it never really bothered me until today so I figured I would get some opinions. Thank you

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Met a new guy and need opinions Posted: 8/20/2008 5:39:42 PM
Thanks for your opinions and you both are probably right. I'm not throwing up red flags but I was just sitting here thinking I would ask others on here what they thought of this. This is a first time experience for me in that a guy I am dating also goes out with other women almost every night he is not with me. I guess I needed a definition of what a player is.

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Met a new guy and need opinions Posted: 8/20/2008 5:15:19 PM
Hello I have recently met a new guy about 5 weeks ago and we have been dating each other about once a week. Given the fact that I only get 1 free evening per week, I can not see him more than that right now. He is a very nice guy who appears to be polite and kind. He tells me that he sees other women on the evenings he is not with me but merely as friends and that there is no sexual encounters happening with any of these female friends. He seems to be upfront about these outtings. We have not been intimate but just in the very beginning stages of dating. My question is this: Do I believe he is hanging out with women whom he says he is not interested in anything other than friendship? Do you all think he could possibily be a player and would you be fine with his going out with others? Thank you

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobic! Posted: 4/3/2007 5:38:03 PM
Yes perhaps..or perhaps not. My dude has gone back to counselling, on his own and without me going as well. I have decided not to resort back into his life and he just might get the help he needs and deserves for the next relationship he may have. He has begged me to help him with this but I can't. This is an issue he can face on his own. If i were to go back to dating him again he would eventually stop counselling in all probability. Maybe, just maybe, 6..12 months from now if he is still in counselling we can revisit the possibility of dating again. He has also managed to stay employed for 5 months straight. Some people will probably think I shoud stand by him but Its because I care about him that I choose not to, only because it is the last thing he needs. Thank you for all your input!!

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/26/2007 6:15:59 PM
To bolt or not to bolt..tht is the question!! We have talked and he has been attending counselling for 6 weeks. While I have not, nor do I plan on entering back into his life again at this point, I believe the counselling will benefit him. He may not continue or he may , but one thing I am certain is that he needs to do this on his own. The guilt have entered in that I somehow feel like I am bolting just when he is needing me the most!! I will remain out of his life and I hope he continues with same. CP is a very complex phobia . I am staying out of his life and getting on with my own because that is what I believe he needs right now as what I need as well. Any thoughts?

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

In love with a commitment phobia guy Posted: 3/6/2007 12:51:38 PM
I agree..some men may not simply want to go further and commit and nor should they if its simply that. The guy I dated is, without a doubt, commitment phobic. He displays over 30 of the 44 traits he was given during counselling.(Not being able to stay in one job for a long time( he has had 21 jobs!!) No close friends..the list goes on.. He is the first to acknowledge what he has but he chose not to continue with the professional help. His choice and it became my choice to walk away. Despite everything I honestly hope he finds the strength and couage to overcome it someday and only then can he allow himself to be in a satisfying and rewarding relationship with someone else. And maybe its not what he needs. Maybe he can live as is. However he decides to live his life I hope its complete and fullfillng for him. He is a great guy and deserves it. I am moving on. Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/4/2007 1:59:54 PM
no not sad..Its called love..love blinds us sometimes for whats best for us..and quite possibily whats best for our partner..we all deal with endings differently but I think we all feel the loss..You obviously loved this guy very much and deal with this loss day by day..moment by moment on the days you need to. Its very easy to say get over it..move on ..etc but it takes time and with time comes acceptance. Im sure he is dealing with the loss too, in his own way. I dont think Im any stronger than you..I think we handle endings differently..maybe you just havent reached the point of total moving on. I think you will..I know its really hard to shut that door to him, because until you do I dont know if we ever fully recover. Hardest thing i done was close the door..and some days Its almost like Im putting nails in the door to keep it shut! Give yourself time to heal and recover..anytime you would like to chat,,drop me an email if I can be of any help..I certainly dont have all the answers but If u need someone to listen or to just talk about it..I find that helps Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/4/2007 12:40:39 PM
Im so sorry this happened to you..I understand about the riding of roller coasters. Awful and confusing. The day I wrote this post was a day I was doubting myself..If I made the right choice. Has we both know most times when a relationship ends, the feelings doesnt. Thats the hard part..dealing with the emotions. Even harder is accepting the fact that 2 people can love each other but that doesnt quarantee they will be happy together or even if they should be together. A lesson Ive learned. By reading the posts the other day and still today is just reinforcing that i did what I felt I had to do was right. Its so nice to hear about how other people dealt with it. You will be fine..as I will be..give yourself whatever time you need and I dont think I will ever look back on my time with him has a waste of time and hopefully you never will either. He just wasnt capable of giving me what i needed and wanted. I know the pain that comes with losing your best friend/lover..a guy you had so much faith in ..a guy you could see, at one point, being with for a very longtime. But we are very strong creatures :) We will get thru and past and oneday when we are into a solid satisfying relationship we will look back and silently whisper a thank you to the guy who lead us to him. Your guy friend could not commit..I realize some men and women might not want a commitment for all kinds of different reasons..thats fine too..but whats harder is knowing without a doubt that he just cant commit no matter how much he may want to..how much he adores you..he just isnt capable of commiting. Its heartbreaking. Its extremely hard to get past it but you are well on your way of doing just that. I thought about this the other day..maybe we should consider ourselves lucky in the sense that we have given these men a glimpse of what real love is all about. They are never forgetting us as we wont ever forget them. Ppl come into our lives for a reason I believe and my reason to be with him was to show him what love was and I know I did. Now its time for me to leave his life and Its ok.. I wonder if you still communicate with him ...We dont.and altho its been hard I think for us its the only way.. Good luck, Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

committment phobia Posted: 3/4/2007 10:36:17 AM
Hi janet, No hoax, just wanting to gain an understanding of how other people dealt with CP and to hear of their experiences of which i have from Ontario to California. Interesting but many different opinions and views. I live in Florida but posted in other places as well. I did my profile, not with the interest of meeting, hense no pic and very little info in profile, because to be honest I am really not ready for such but because I wanted to learn about Cp. Take Care Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/4/2007 10:30:37 AM
Thanks..You are right regarding everything you said. We come on here to gain an understanding.. of other people who might have experienced similiar issues etc..Most of us are not here to bask etc...After reading all the posts I can certainly say that It has helped with trying to understand CP and just from hearing about other people and what it has meant for them. belly18dancer...sometimes the best counsellors doesnt have a license..for we all know the license comes from textbook learning but the best counsellors comes from people learning. Wish you the best!! Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

In love with a commitment phobia guy Posted: 3/4/2007 9:13:58 AM
Ive thought about this actually rrrascal, but that couldnt work for me. It would work for awhile but somewhere down that road I want more than that with someone. It might work for some but It wouldnt for me. The only thing I can do at this point is stay away with no contact and hope he overcomes the fear he carries with him someday. I will move on but always be glad we had almost 2 years together. Some might say that Im bailing or being selfish but I know Im not. The last few year has been like an emotional rollercoaster and while I understand its not intentional on his part but because of his fear I have decided to get off the ride and stand on the ground for now. : ) Not that I want to but because I have to. Interesting post rrrr....thanks

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/4/2007 5:12:34 AM
Hi Heart..yes many different jobs..most short term..he is very well educated but cant commit to anything longterm. His background included his mother dying when he was 5 and then his dad being an alcoholic. Might have something to do why he is a CP...might not. All I know for sure is the day he gave up counselling was the day I knew this relationship would not work. I went back anyways but I will not be going back again. If he goes back to counselling well great for him but I wont be a part of his life anymore. Always will be his friend but never be anything more. I deserve a much better relationship than the one I was in with him. And I hope one day he can find happiness and lose the fear he has had for a very longtime. He is a guy with a phobia..doesnt make him a bad person but he isnt the person for me. Thanks for ur input. Much appreciated.

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/4/2007 5:04:20 AM
hi Newlysingle. He does indeed have a commitment problem. There is a 44 check point list that defines a CP..traits that they possess and sadly he protrays 30 of these. I protrayed 0. It isnt about him seeing other people because he isnt but a charcateristic of CP is always looking for the perfect mate, course most of us realize perfection doesnt exist. You dont fear losing your independance but a CP person does. Course its something we all choose but we are able to understand, rationally, what independance means while Cp people have irrational thoughts of what it means, but its their reality. I wouldnt hold this against anyone else I might become involved with but I have learned from it and a person who has CP doesnt make them an a--hole. Its a phobia and its very real for these people. Anyways just some info Ive learned about the whole CP thing. Thanks for your input.

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

In love with a commitment phobia guy Posted: 3/3/2007 9:37:11 AM
Agree. I have been there for him. But did leave him for 2 months(No contact whatso ever) until he called to say he has started counselling and asked if we could attend together. He acknowledges his issue and began the counselling process but like many Cps couldnt continue. I guess there are days I still doubt as to whether I made the right choice or if I should have worked thru this out with him. The emotional rollercoaster was a first for me so i stepped out from it. You are absolutely correct and Its just nice to have it reconfirmed.

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

In love with a commitment phobia guy Posted: 3/3/2007 9:30:26 AM
Hi Womanandmom..thanks for your response.. The moving would be a major change..One of us would have to change jobs and uproot our children. But its not the actual move that scares him ( the move could be months..years away) and any move is kinda scary but normal scary..Fro him its the meaning of the move..moving in with someone means a commitment. Its the irrational yet real FEAR that these people feel when faced with making a comitment. Its also the fear of getting hurt etc. A full host of complicated issues go side by side with Cp people. The sad part about this is that he is a great guy and Ive seen him with the walls of fear gone but I cant keep them away. They always come back and will continue to return until, at the very least, he gets professional help. I know I am doing the right thing (Staying away) but It is very sad to care about someone very deeply and know and accept the fact that he will never be what i want or need , not because of who he is(his actions/behavoir) but because he is consumed by Fear and quite possibly always will be.

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

In love with a commitment phobia guy Posted: 3/3/2007 7:50:12 AM
Hello I have an issue I need advice with. I have been dating this man who is 45 years old and the relationship went extremely for about 8 months until we started to talk about serious issues such as who could move if it became longterm(we live 2 hours apart) and living together, It was then I discovered he had a committment phobia(Fear of committing, and these ppl live in fear and confusion because what they perceive as committing is giving up their independance etc). He bolted out of fear and the relationship ended. Two days later he was back saying he was scared to death of what he perceived as giving up his independance etc (All committment phobia traits) We got back together and again things went well. After another month or so he felt the need to bolt again and he was gone. His going and coming went on for about 6 months. I refused to go back to the relationship unless he got professional help. He did go to counselling but it never lasted. Most men can not face the fear and figure out why they are CP and I guess he just couldnt do it hence the counselling ended. We again tried to continue but his fear stops him from continuing because he feels panicked and overwhelmed and physically has panic attacks. My problem is this...I know this man loves me as I love him and I trust him with all of my heart but Im not sure if I should stay out of his life or should I go back..make contact. He doesnt have family and Im sure he feels alone and confused. We have such a close tie but his bolting and fear is killing the relationship. And realistically It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it. Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on? Ty Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia! Posted: 3/3/2007 7:37:03 AM
Hello I have an issue I need advice with. I have been dating this man who is 45 years old and the relationship went extremely for about 8 months until we started to talk about serious issues such as who could move if it became longterm(we live 2 hours apart) and living together, It was then I discovered he had a committment phobia(Fear of committing, and these ppl live in fear and confusion because what they perceive as committing is giving up their independance etc). He bolted out of fear and the relationship ended. Two days later he was back saying he was scared to death of what he perceived as giving up his independance etc (All committment phobia traits) We got back together and again things went well. After another month or so he felt the need to bolt again and he was gone. His going and coming went on for about 6 months. I refused to go back to the relationship unless he got professional help. He did go to counselling but it never lasted. Most men can not face the fear and figure out why they are CP and I guess he just couldnt do it hence the counselling ended. We again tried to continue but his fear stops him from continuing because he feels panicked and overwhelmed and physically has panic attacks. My problem is this...I know this man loves me as I love him and I trust him with all of my heart but Im not sure if I should stay out of his life or should I go back..make contact. He doesnt have family and Im sure he feels alone and confused. We have such a close tie but his bolting and fear is killing the relationship. And realistically It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it. Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on? Ty Marcia

vixenpurring

Joined: 2/24/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

committment phobia Posted: 3/3/2007 6:11:41 AM
Hello I have an issue I need advice with. I have been dating this man who is 45 years old and the relationship went extremely for about 8 months until we started to talk about serious issues such as who could move if it became longterm(we live 2 hours apart) and living together, It was then I discovered he had a committment phobia(Fear of committing, and these ppl live in fear and confusion because what they perceive as committing is giving up their independance etc). He bolted out of fear and the relationship ended. Two days later he was back saying he was scared to death of what he perceived as giving up his independance etc (All committment phobia traits) We got back together and again things went well. After another month or so he felt the need to bolt again and he was gone. His going and coming went on for about 6 months. I refused to go back to the relationship unless he got professional help. He did go to counselling but it never lasted. Most men can not face the fear and figure out why they are CP and I guess he just couldnt do it hence the counselling ended. We again tried to continue but his fear stops him from continuing because he feels panicked and overwhelmed and physically has panic attacks. My problem is this...I know this man loves me as I love him and I trust him with all of my heart but Im not sure if I should stay out of his life or should I go back..make contact. He doesnt have family and Im sure he feels alone and confused. We have such a close tie but his bolting and fear is killing the relationship. And realistically It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it. Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on? Ty Marcia

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