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randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Advice on post-divorce counseling Posted: 1/2/2009 1:21:58 PM
I want to thank everyone for the feedback. I'm actually quite assertive, but I won't walk into a conflict situation if the other party is rather categorical. Given a range of choices, I usually opt for the one that engenders fewer long-term toxic emotions. To answer the other question, counseling makes great sense from my perspective and work in social services. However, the real issue is her mother's feelings, childhood issues, and relationship with her daughter. And given my position, I can't make her mother less anxious, less stressed, and less fearful of what might be said of her. Non-violent (from an ex-spouse) communication cannot sway a party firmly committed to inaction. I should add that my ex-wife's friends agree concur with my observation that some issues cannot be pressed on her. Hence the impasse. If this seemed like clinical depression, I would already have gone to court.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Advice on post-divorce counseling Posted: 1/2/2009 7:53:26 AM
Unfortunately such intervention was stipulated in our divorce agreement.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Advice on post-divorce counseling Posted: 1/2/2009 7:22:13 AM
The exact context would be that the physician's office asks children about their feelings and their relationships with parents. And the assessment was that she expressed more unhappiness than other children and expressed great concern about her mother. She would say, for example, that she liked doing the dishes because her mother was tired and she liked the sound of water. I actually dealt with social service issues for some time and worked with therapists, so this all made sense to me. And, bear in mind, this was not a recommendation for a course of treatment, but a referral to ascertain whether counseling was necessary. Given the fact that most primary care physicians blithely prescribe anti-depressants, I took the woman's opinion very seriously (and consulted with several friends in the social services field). I could add my own insights based on my work experience and reading, but I really want to diagnose someone so close to my life. My real question is whether a mild cure may incur a greater harm at this stage. And, yes, she has friends and plays, but she outlet has no outside forum in which to discuss the legacy of our divorce and her relationship with us.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Advice on post-divorce counseling Posted: 1/2/2009 7:01:01 AM
I've been divorced several years and four months ago a nurse practitioner formally recommended that my ten-year old daughter see a counselor for post-divorce group therapy. Every child who endures a divorce experiences some trauma, so the suggestion made eminent sense to me. My daughter is sometimes melancholy and often expresses concern for her mother (i..e. "caretaker child"). However, I feared that my daughter's mother would have an adverse reaction so I asked her to speak with the practitioner rather than push the issue myself. I initially avoided explaining the issue to her and eventually had to divulge it (after inquisitorial treatment) before she spoke with the physician's office. She had a profoundly strong reaction, felt that her daughter would have esteem problems from labeling, and absolutely resisted any discussion of the matter. I let the matter rest because conflict does not sit well with me. Yesterday I attempted to talk about our communication and she brought up the issue. In her account, the nurse told her that we should seek couples counseling (mind you we have been divorced for some time) and that our daughter is "perfectly fine." It didn't help that in our discussion she seemed more concerned with scoring points than resolving communication issues. So I am at a crossroads. We both occupy similar positions, but I have many options (many not exercised for everyone's sake) and feel far more secure. I can push counseling with the hope that she me might come around and accept some counseling for our daughter. However, I fear that this would readily devolve into a pointless exchange on our past marriage when the real issue might be bound up in her own feelings (i.e. require individual therapy). In any event, I am not sure a counselor could help if she harbors the unshakable conviction that our daughter is the happiest person in the world. The other option is go to court. I detest adversarial conflict and fear that such an approach would do more harm than good. However, my observation has been that my ex-wife only accepts some things when her back is literally against the wall. After our separation, for example, the divorce only went through because I forced a court date and persuaded her to contract a lawyer who explained that my settlement accorded with California statutory law. Attempts to secure outside mediation (by her best friend yet) all failed. So do I let this simmer for some more months or take action? My daughter is ok , but I think that counseling encouraged by both parents might do her some good. On the other hand, a legal battle could make her mother even worse.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Academics dating over 30 Posted: 11/8/2008 5:53:04 PM
In response to the first poster, you really cannot make a judgement on your appeal to career women until you finish the dissertation and find a post. You could be living on the other coast for employment in several years.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

staying with him/her even though your not in-love? Posted: 5/13/2008 1:28:45 PM
Relationships go through transitions that reflect our biochemical changes. After about a year to 1.5 years the "magic" wears off. If you are no longer attracted to you BF but find no compelling incompatabilities, it seems to me that you have a fancy notion of a relationship. Granted, he might no longer be "courting" you as before, but you expect love to flow like a geyser with magical powers. Neither your feelings for him nor you BF can make you happy. Only you can do that. Still, if you feel this way, then you should probably leave. If you were committed to him, then you would not pose these questions in this context.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 80 (view)

Lack of information in profession slot Posted: 5/12/2008 5:29:25 PM
Well most men work as secret agents or undercover detectives, so you know that they won't divulge their true profession.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

From overwhelmed to nothing Posted: 5/12/2008 5:24:04 PM
When did speaking with multiple people constitute a relationship? I thought that only applied to schizophrenic, conflicted cross-dressers.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Everybody look! Out of these 4 ways which have you found the most successful? Posted: 5/12/2008 10:03:25 AM
I had a bad experience with someone not ready for dating at work, so I just switched to virtual dating. It had its drawbacks, but at least you don't need to worry about avoiding someone on a regular basis.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

Text Messages vs. Phone Calls Posted: 5/12/2008 9:22:47 AM
Well, I won't text. It wastes more time than talking. Still, this probably reflects my generational perspective.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 184 (view)

What little things make you say next...even before meeting? Posted: 5/12/2008 9:19:57 AM
Takes forever (i.e. more than two days) to reply to e-mails after a first date. If you put in the effort, then you usually expect a reasonable attitute in return.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

woman playing games Posted: 5/12/2008 8:54:23 AM
Don't waste your time. We all play mind games with ourselves and reflect them, but she clearly wanted to fit a pyramid into a tic-tac-box. She is still probably jumping on that pyramid right now. Still it might have been good to wait. Then, on the other hand, I have purchased something to drink (coffee) many times because I had to wait close to a half hour. So was she late??

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 94 (view)

Have not even met and have 15 text messages from him. Huh? Posted: 5/12/2008 8:50:53 AM
Listen to the second poster. Rejection does people far more good than excuses.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 202 (view)

What have you learned from online dating ? Posted: 5/11/2008 7:03:42 PM
I have come to discover that people don't realize how time consuming dating can become until they try it.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 51 (view)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DUMPED VIA EMAIL?? Posted: 5/11/2008 5:52:57 PM
It would be better done in person. A man has to face his decisions. Still, it is better than enduring only silence.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 78 (view)

i wonder about this behavior Posted: 5/11/2008 5:49:04 PM
I understand her perspective. You become infatuated with someone and would like to hear from them on a regular basis. Three days suddenly seems like a long stretch of time, especially after you have been communicating quite frequently. About the only thing to do is to contact the person and say how you feel. In so far as the Match visit is concerned. Yah, they need to have the exclusivity talk.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 85 (view)

How important is emotional support to you? Posted: 5/11/2008 5:43:33 PM
I think empathy and the ability to listen are critical in relationships. Still, I would view systematic indifference as the deal-breaker rather than the temporary impersonation of a zombie.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Keeping friends with those we meet on here. Posted: 5/11/2008 5:41:49 PM
Well it works if you like one another, but not romantically. All other cases tend to remind me of high school chemistry class experiments.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 211 (view)

Would you date someone on antidepressants? Posted: 5/11/2008 5:38:42 PM
I think it all depends on the context. If anti-depressants are intended to cope with depression that could be mitigated by life-altering behavior, then no. However, anti-depressants for congenital conditions, temporary shock, or abiding trauma are different. In other words, I am far more concerned with a person's attitute towards therapy than the****ail prescribed to them.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 93 (view)

Is it alright to point out your partners flaws? Posted: 5/11/2008 5:35:31 PM
I guess that all depends on how secure your partner happens to be. I tend to view the identification of my insecurities as a strength and, no doubt, there are many other flaws that I could address. Still, it is probably better to err on the side of caution unless it impacts your relationship.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

Does a parents seperation affect..... Posted: 5/11/2008 5:32:53 PM
The answer is "yes" and it impacts their ability to enter into meaningful relationships. However, I would argue that a toxic relationship can have just as an inimical impact on your kids. Still, I highly recommend The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith R. Wallerstein. Remember that your see to your children's health by seeing to your own health. Wallterstein's book will give you new perspective on "the needs of the child."

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

Should I reply to EVERY message I get? Posted: 5/11/2008 4:51:36 PM
I believe that you can ignore one liners and messages from people who clearly ignored your profile.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

When is a good time to walk away.... Posted: 5/8/2008 9:35:25 PM
You have to walk away now. If you lack a framework to structure your feelings, then all you will do is endure great hurt. Couples with unequal levels of affection can overcome this with basic reassurance. However, unreciprocated love should make you just run. Don't torture yourself.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

How soon is too soon for a second date? Posted: 5/8/2008 6:27:33 PM
I think two people who want something will find a way to make it happen. They will communicate and try to get past confused signals we all send one another. So there is not time limit except that one should not push things. You might not have your second date right away, but at least you will determine whether one is coming round.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 54 (view)

long distance - weekend only dating Posted: 5/8/2008 6:22:01 PM
It's even odder when local dating seems like weekend or transatlantic dating.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

Do you think you have learned from past relationships? Posted: 5/8/2008 6:20:03 PM
I've learned to walk away from things. Still, I have grave reservations about that.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Do people still consider marriage a form or relationship security? Posted: 5/7/2008 9:27:19 PM
I define marriage as "the willingness to endure divorce." And someday I will most likely be married again with a much healthier perspective on things.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

How do you deal with strong feelings for someone who does not feel the same? Posted: 5/7/2008 9:25:28 PM
Read Dorothy Tenov's Love and Limerence. You may be on different pages because you experience love in different ways. The important thing is that you share similar goals and have good communication.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 177 (view)

How can men stop having feelings so quickly? Posted: 5/7/2008 7:16:56 PM
Sorry no insight here. In the past I have had feelings fast and no argument or break-up ever followed. I think these blokes must be saying things.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Start DATING - excitement Start LIVING - no excitement Posted: 5/7/2008 5:53:37 PM
I think that the goal is to live together. You want someone interested in exploring new things and adding texture to your life. Your partner shouldn't be viewed as the source of happiness, but as someone in your life who helps enable it. Still, take a tripe to Iceland and New Zealand. Skinny dip in the grand canyon. Go to a comic book convention or barbie workshop. Anything completely off your usual radar. Go protest belly buttons outside the French embassy. The French will redirect you to the English consulate.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

How long should I wait??? Posted: 5/7/2008 5:48:51 PM
Ask her if she means exclusive friends (i.e. no romantic interest in anyone else)? If she does, then you must decide how long you want to wait. You cannot pressure a person into sex. You can only decide to stick with her or write it off. Just don't let the term "friend" be used as weapon against you.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site? Posted: 5/7/2008 5:44:21 PM
You can be really attracted after a first date and hurt by no sesond date, but there is no way that the bloke on the other end would know. It seems that he must have had a very high opinion of his own mojo.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Losing control! Posted: 5/5/2008 10:15:05 AM
Just say "we don't click." That simple line conveys rejection and doesn't leave them with anything to write you back about. If somebody rejects you and misread you, then you very often want to clarify things. If you say too many nice things to a person whom you reject, they still might not quit. Short and simple works.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

The eccentric Types........? Posted: 5/5/2008 9:17:35 AM
They are often English and fans of John Stuart Mill. Or they are just Frenchmen who have escaped from an asylum and believe that they are English. Germans are never eccentric. They are always methodical.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Being too Available* Know its wrong but can't help my feelings... Posted: 5/5/2008 9:15:18 AM
It all sounds rather confusing. You should follow everyone's advice here and establish yourselves as a dating couple. Otherwise, this will wreak havoc on your next real relationship.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Guilty For Dating ? Posted: 5/5/2008 9:10:27 AM
Well I could feel guilty for not dating who my daughter wants me to date. But I don't.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 410 (view)

Attention and priority. Posted: 5/5/2008 9:08:28 AM
I am perplexed by the original poster's question. You won't date single parents because of questions of attention and priority, but then you recognize that our own well-being should be your top priority. You seem to have a healthy sense for a relationship, but you frame this within the context of single parents. I think you really want to say that you feel that children would create (or seem to create) more potential complications in a relationship. Many people feel this way and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Still, I am not sure what your question would be. As a single parent, I have encountered many people without children who have a busier and more frenetic schedule than myself. Life is just full of complications.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 206 (view)

Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that? Posted: 5/3/2008 5:18:28 PM
Well if a woman is your friend, then she should encourage you to find your love.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

How soon is too soon for a second date? Posted: 5/2/2008 7:45:26 PM
If you liked him, then try for a second date. Just don't wait around and twiddle your thumbs. That is the worst thing to do and just screws with your mind.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

Do men's relationships with their mom's reflect how they treat women romantically? Posted: 5/2/2008 6:12:02 AM
I think that there is a difference between an affectionately respectful and a close relationship.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

2nd date...? Posted: 5/1/2008 9:33:21 PM
You should certainly have disengaged until there is more evidence. Still, the fact that he hasn't given a reason for a second date might not bode well.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 163 (view)

What's with recently separated men online dating? Posted: 5/1/2008 7:03:14 PM
It is the economy. A seperated woman will still attract interested men but a seperated man is positive radioactive.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Hurt games men play on this site, any other women experienced this? Posted: 5/1/2008 7:00:13 PM
Just don't go looking for someone like Maiakovskii. He followde the same path as Hemmingway, but, then again, one can always blame nascent Stalinism for it. On the topic, maybe you might try looking for someone younger than fiftyish. Or, if you are looking for an older man, don't search for one so obsessed with younger women. And in so far as rudeness is concerned, just tune them out. Praise the bloke for being such an unskilled wan**** and tell him that someday he will hit the target. Just caution him not to let the anticipation induce a coma.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

is a long distance relationship just lust? Posted: 4/28/2008 11:32:39 PM
I thought lust tended to be more an instant gratification affair.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 157 (view)

Remember when you were a man???? Posted: 4/28/2008 11:31:32 PM
There is great practicality here. If a woman drives, then you don't have to listen to her directions. And if she aks you for directions, you can impress her with your spatial memory. Plus she can never complain that you "never take her anywhere."

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Whats the best way to ask to meet someone coffee or activity? Posted: 4/28/2008 11:29:15 PM
Meet in an all you can eat buffet.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

ladies who are `happily divorced` Posted: 4/28/2008 11:20:30 PM
So let us presume a woman writes "I am miserably divorced and utterly despise my freedom. I would be a nun, but they have too much fun." Nobody will write this woman but the "penus picture" crowd and she will eagerly reply with tips on mushroom cultivation. Ugh.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 74 (view)

Should I Avoid Messaging Professional Women/Women That Make More Money Than I? Posted: 4/23/2008 4:51:03 PM
I think it all hinges on whether she would be the type of woman whose career impinges on living life. Some people are wedded to their career first and expect partners with similar values (i.e. 60 to 80 work week). Make your decision based on the person's values and not their income. You really cannot have a relationship unless you have something to talk about.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 120 (view)

Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30? Posted: 4/23/2008 4:46:43 PM
It makes a phenomenal difference if you understand yourself and what you want in life. So I am much happier to be dating at this age.

randomstoic

Joined: 3/2/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Whats with these so called guys who just LOVE KIDS?? Posted: 4/14/2008 5:53:40 PM
It doesn't make sense because your kids are a fact before you even date. Your date should just accept them just as you must accept some other things.

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