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jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 31 (view)

What is a homemaker ? Posted: 9/28/2012 4:56:13 PM
Custard,I gave an example of a woman I'd spoken to....so I'll ask you,do you agree with her response that she didn't think she should work ( she's in her early/mid 50's if memory serves me right) because she'd brought her kids up ? She may have been clinically depressed (clinical depression is a physical exhaustion, y'know) and maybe needed a positive way of dealing with it which didn't involve internet access worldwide to her medical history. Some people don't realise they're unwell in this way, partly because they get labelled as lazy and worthless. Golly, the possibilities are endless, but its probably best you stick with your idea, OP. Its so functional. "I can't afford childcare!" That's a big issue. If your wages are six pound something and childcare is at least five pound an hour, how many hours do you think a lone parent has to work to make the rent, leave alone food, bills and everything she needs for the kids? Have you ever heard of being stuck between a rock and hard place? I've been self-employed for the duration of my parenting role. I will no longer be a parent in about a year's time, I have a college place lined up for next September and in 3-5 years time I'm going to earning as much in two hours as it takes me all week to earn at the moment. I'll be damned if I ever worked out how to do that whilst being a lone parent.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 8 (view)

Give me a chance Posted: 9/28/2012 4:38:48 PM
Or maybe they just don't get empathy? Not necessarily in a psychotic kind of a way, but maybe in a bit of an autistic kind of a way. I don't mean to project negatively about autism and imply if someone has autism they're not nice (I have one, or two Aspergic traits myself and I'm hardly evil personified, not to mention I've yet to meet an unpleasant autistic person), I'm just making a hypothetical link here: In the same way that some autistic people struggle with facial recognition, maybe some people struggle with perceiving from another's perspective because of some genetic function, in which case it makes responsibility a bit shaky as a hard and fast rule, doesn't it? Not that either way might change the viability of a relationship, I'm just exploring an alternative to what seems like mental gymnastics where someone can be so insecure as to block their insecurities enough to want to be with someone who has rejected them. Hmmm...maybe rejection is a factor in desire? I remember a fella once saying he thought any woman interested in him must have something wrong with them and so he'd reject all advances.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 4 (view)

Give me a chance Posted: 9/28/2012 2:53:26 PM
I've only really heard the "give me a chance" thing when people in profiles, on forums, or on the way out of relationships, deem themselves as not having a fair crack at the whip for some reason. It seems to surround their self-perception as not being attractive in some way and that somehow its other people's fault. It seems to be the "I know I don't look like Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt, but I'm a really nice guy/gal if only you horrible people would take the time to get to know me" , or the "I'm sorry I broke your jaw, I'll never do it again if you let me near enough to do it again" kind of things. It comes across as manipulative and putting responsibility upon others for one's own shortcomings, or insecurities. I'm not sure I've explained that clearly, but beauty is as beauty does, says I.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 11 (view)

Some University Posted: 9/28/2012 2:38:30 PM
Maybe it means you had such a cracking time at uni, even though you were physically present in all your lectures, you can't quite claim to have been there all the time?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 80 (view)

Geeks: Turn off or.......... Posted: 9/28/2012 11:24:20 AM
...my motives while a little selfish does not make me a hater. I'm not saying you are a hater. Prejudice and hating are not necessarily synonymous, given we're all prejudiced at times. In fact, I'll go as far as to say prejudice sometimes has a function - research has shown that if we are overloaded with information we tend to fall back upon stereotyping to assess some of that information. It may not be the most accurate assessment, but it may be a part of survival. Say for example, two people have fallen into a swollen river, a freaked out child who you can fish out without jumping in and an adult out of arm's reach. The chances are you're going to pluck out the child first considering the child more vulnerable, or needy, but the reality might be that the child is a strong swimmer and close to rescuing themselves anyway and in the time you've done the adult may be lost. Are you going to take the time to assess your prejudices? Would you risk the child's safety? Might it be dangerous and futile to throw yourself in after the adult anyway? So it is with online dating. We're swamped with information and profiles and we make assessments based upon prejudicial information. Its like, "Hmmm...that person is into their rare steaks enough to put it their profile and I don't think they're going to be overly impressed with my Polish tomato and cabbage soup...Next..." We are simply unable to get to know everyone and make informed choices without prejudice. This is why facilities like forums should be taken advantage of - you get to know people in more depth and have a more accurate picture of them. Its that little bit closer to actually meeting and socialising without that 'searching' element which can skew perception. It doesn't really matter if there is more prejudice towards geeks in the UK than in the US, you've just got to find your kind, the same as anywhere else. I know of at least one dating site where you can create a group, like the Engelbert Humperdinck Lover's Group (and let's face it, you'd need to find your own kind with that one) and the EH lovers will gravitate towards each other. Using the tools available to you is more relevant than other people's prejudices. I'd heap lavish praise on you if i could get a hand-sewn sweater (I mean Im not condescending but its really cold out :)) I'll make you a silk lined, hemp hoody - that should do the trick for the Brit inclement conditions and you'd be welcome to lavish heaps of praise on me, along with heaps of pounds sterling. snicker, snicker

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 76 (view)

Geeks: Turn off or.......... Posted: 9/28/2012 5:22:03 AM
Cant help it sometimes, thing has got a mind of its own And a British sense of humour, by the sounds of it. :D But don't they say opposites attract and that sort of stuff, i mean i can get why eating meat or being vegan or a vegetarian can be a deal breaker but Anime? maybe its just me but i don't get it, that's like me tripping because a girl likes Glee or Project Runway. It is the way it is i guess I'm going to think aloud here and say maybe there's a few things going on. On the one hand, it depends upon how much an interest is a part of your life and how much you need to share it with your partner. I sew for a living, so its a fairly big part of my life, but if I were to start waffling on about my machine having 84 stitch types, including 12 flexi-stitches, or expounding the importance of 'ease' in clothing design, I'd probably bore the pants off the majority. Fortunately, my sharing needs don't run further than expecting lavish praise on completing an item, or getting people to admire pieces of silk/cashmere tweed which most people will enjoy the feel of. If however, someone was well into the Welsh rugby culture, it might be a big part of their lives I wouldn't want to share. I've never understood why they don't give both teams a ball so they don't have to squabble over the same one. I'm also not into the pubs and drinking culture which goes with it, given I'm a lightweight who slurs words after half a glass of wine and I don't like being around crowds of drunk men. Now, if I were to see that someone was interested in rugby, a montage might flit across my imagination of crowded pubs, men peeing in the sinks at the station and people throwing up on the train home after a match. I'm likely to avoid that fairly pronto, but in reality I'm showing prejudice if I don't find out about that person. Someone might enjoy watching local rugby, or Internationals on the TV without the need to share with me, or being into other aspects of the culture I find abhorrent. So, if you identify yourself as being a geek, or into Anime, it will in part depend upon how much of your life revolves around that and how much you wish to be able to share that with a partner and it will in part depend upon a potential partner's assumptions and prejudices about the behaviour associated with the common identity of that group and her concepts of compatibility. To me, Anime is an art form of the era, its irrelevant as to whether I like it as an art form, or like all of it as an art form, but it might be an issue if someone expected me to play techie games with them, given I have the co-ordination of a damp fish for that sort of thing. Whilst I appreciate you looking into the differences between prejudices towards a particular group either side of the pond, there's something I find ironic about looking to form a prejudicial view of whole groups of people relating to prejudice, if you get me. :)

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 74 (view)

Geeks: Turn off or.......... Posted: 9/27/2012 11:20:35 AM
Well as a ransomer its important to me... Sort out that predictive text dude... Certainly some people feel that way or id get more replies than i do lol. ...because it might not be the geek thing which is scaring the women away. I agree with you though i don't think its unattractive to be interested in certain subjects but I'd like to know why it is? But to give you a more serious answer (although it could be anything, like maybe women may wonder how long you're going to be in the UK, for example), all of us have things that others find incompatible with their own lifestyle, or unattractive. It can be something as simple as eating meat, or not eating meat can be a deal breaker for many. I don't know, given the plethora of bizarre deal breakers which people have, that being interested in Anime is any more of a cultural deal breaker over here as anything else.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 57 (view)

POF v Real Life Posted: 9/27/2012 7:40:04 AM
Likewise, how many people have got together through dating sites who would never had had that opportunity otherwise? I absolutely take on board your comment about not taking rejection personally, but maybe its a matter of using different tools differently? I think dating sites are a good social networking tool and a good learning tool. If each of us learns, evolves and makes a lot of friends, that development in itself brings us in contact with gorgeous lurve bunnies. I've noticed that men who are not looking, but are warm and lovely to everyone friendship-wise on dating forums end up with women swooning over them. Desperate, predatory and humourless people tend to be avoided. Hmmm...having said that, I think that works in real life as well, so maybe people become more uptight and expectant of a relationship using a dating website and it shows. It doesn't help that this particular website discourages socialising and fun contact in the forums, restricting contact to debate and discussion only. I've seen many friendships and relationships formed in outrageous flirt threads, comedy threads and other silly threads which act as a support system for the more serious subjects.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 34 (view)

One sided conversations. Posted: 9/27/2012 7:23:39 AM
Why the need to call someone out and berate, or attack them because their style doesn't suit you? Maybe your style ain't so hot, either.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 72 (view)

Geeks: Turn off or.......... Posted: 9/27/2012 6:55:03 AM
Its not important whether some randomers on a dating website think being geeky is a turn-off, as your sample will hardly be representitive, not to mention its unlikely you'll want to date us all. (Granny Jac flicks her hair coquettishly, just in case.) What's important is why you think it might be unattractive to be interested in certain subjects. (Golly, was that a bit of a nerdy response to your question? snickers)

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 77 (view)

girlfriends history Posted: 9/27/2012 5:32:36 AM
ok the question is how can i help myself get over it I don't often say this, but go and seek professional assistance. Lots of it. Focus on why you think its permissible that your girlfriend was raped and cheated on, but that you take it as a personal offence, like she's done something to you, when she makes a choice about her own sexuality. Work out why you feel she needs to justify her sexual choices to you. Work out why, at the very time she needs you to behave sensitively, positively and healthily, you act like an utter prick. You have a very big problem with women. Go sort it out and then live a happier, healthier life.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 76 (view)

girlfriends history Posted: 9/27/2012 4:44:42 AM
Dear Patrick's girlfriend, I hope you get to read this, but I suspect Patrick's blurting out your confidential information across the internet without your consent and so will be doing it stealthily. Please accept my heartfelt advice and dump Patrick like a hot brick. There are lots of men out there (of different ages) who will not judge you as a sexual being, will respect your boundaries and confidences and not be so idiotic that they think they can control you, or your past. You don't need this sh*t. Get out and live a healthy, happy life like the amazing woman you are. Love from, Jac the Gripper.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 23 (view)

is it possib le Posted: 9/19/2012 10:56:43 AM
There's nothing new in developing a relationship with someone over a distance. People have done it for centuries in times of war corresponding by mail, or with arranged marriages of couples of a suitable class. Sometimes it doesn't work out, like with Henry VIII meeting Anne of Cleves and finding Holbein had rather flattered her in her portrait; sometimes it works out like a fairy tale. I suspect for most, it takes a bit of work. Imagine all those couples who married after knowing each other for a few days and then are reunited after a war ends, the woman having raised a child on her own for years, the man having also changed dramatically from the consequences of conflict. If you don't lose your head and accept that you might not feel the same way on meeting face to face, or you accept that even if you do still have romantic feelings for each other in person it will take some work to adjust, as long as two people remain kind to each other, you'll be okay. :) I hope love blossoms for both of you. The world needs all the love it can get.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 65 (view)

Celebrities on Plenty of Fish ? Posted: 9/17/2012 3:29:41 AM
I'm related by marriage to the fat one out of Little 'n' Large. Does that count?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 155 (view)

Finding your partner wearing your underwear!! Posted: 9/13/2012 7:22:33 PM
All Im saying is I was revolted when I caught him masturbating in my dirty underwear, Because you mentioned it was your dirty underwear he was masturbating in, it makes me wonder if you're revolted by yourself, your own scent, or vaginal discharges (assuming you didn't have skid marks in your pants...) squeezing his stocky body in his tiny waist length nightie, Would it have been less revolting for you had the nightie fit him better, or are you just trying to create an image to berate him because it makes you feel better if he's seen by others as an object of ridicule? stretching my underwear to the point of ripping them, then he complained I had nothing nice to wear. Yeah, that would piddle me off, too. Its a resolvable issue though, isn't it? The way I see it is that when a woman does what a man does, her status is raised but when a man does what a woman does, his status is lowered. That's not saying much for women. I get the relevance of this statement. It means we can be our own oppressors with our own attitude and prejudiced ideals. As a rule of thumb, I'd say, if something excites our partner, it excites us given we want sexual excitement with our partners. If something they like doesn't do it for us, then maybe we need to examine why to see if its a problem with them, or a problem with ourselves. Now if a fella was into rape, or snuff porn I'd say that was indicative of a psychology that was in severe trouble and not something I'd want to expose myself to. I propose that in the same way I'd think that was indicative of a man having the capacity to be a cruel, dangerous partner with psychopathic tendencies, I think men in women's underwear is seen as a man having feminine tendencies. What is it about men having feminine traits that people find dangerous? I think the difference is if a girl is wearing her bf underwear, it's usually for practical reasons, she's not wearing them for a sexual thrill, getting turned on and masturbating in them... For a lot of us, that's just weird, disturbing and ultimately unworkable.... Being aroused by you partner's scent and being enveloped in tactile items that have been next to your partner's naked body is weird, disturbing and ultimately unworkable? Okay.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 45 (view)

Are People Looking For a Partner Who is Like Their Parent? Posted: 9/13/2012 6:01:55 PM
Not sure how that was intended, but having that condition is nothing to be ashamed of. It can be a liability to be sure, but at the same time us oddballs can do things "normal" people can't do or have trouble doing. I am head of a department simply because others have too hard of a time being able to think visually and analytically. For me I am getting paid good money to have fun solving mostly easy, but sometimes complex problems. I could have misunderstood , but if you were taking a swipe at your dad, just remember he can most likely do things you can't do or at least not as well. Errrr...I already said my dad can do crossword puzzles in languages he doesn't speak. Does that sound like I don't admire his abilities? When he did his National Service he was in the Royal Signals. I didn't realise until a few years ago that's where all the smarty-pants people went - he was never boastful about things like that, like he never saw anyone as being less than him because of gender, race, status, earnings, whatever. As far as he was concerned, he was an accountant with his own office because he didn't make mathematical errors and he liked being on his own. The secretaries were all in a room together because they liked talking while they worked. He flatly denied any difference in status when I asked him if they were all 'his' secretaries and this was back in the early 70's before most men knew how to spell feminism. He does regale other blowing-his-own-trumpet army stories though - when he was on kitchen duty one day, while the other lads were hacking into loaves of bread, my dad was slicing slender pieces of perfectly uniform thickness. He was so smug about it, the sergeant sent the other men away and made him do the lot on his own for the entire regiment. Anyone else might be annoyed at this punishment, but my dad took it as a compliment and was pleased the job was being done properly with no one around interfering, or making a hash of it. Apparently, there was a repeat performance with peeling potatoes thinly in single spiral strips. :D He's a radio amateur, which might interest you. Its an educated guess that he's Aspergic, which is hereditary. I reckon you can do the maths from thereon. :) On topic, there are things about my dad that would be unreasonable to expect in many other human beings; he has some traits I would gravitate towards (like he appears to have no concept of nastiness, or cruelty whatsoever - it just doesn't compute), but I'd struggle to be around someone who was quite so uncommunicative and unemotional. If he's not Aspergic, he's part Vulcan I tell ya. :) I think when we gravitate towards people who are like our dads (or mums), its to do with certain traits which we are comfortable with, not all. Its illogical to expect to replicate unique individuals, Captain.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 39 (view)

Are People Looking For a Partner Who is Like Their Parent? Posted: 9/13/2012 3:20:09 AM
I must say, your old man certainly does sound pretty awesome. Now I'm wondering if you have to cheat by looking it up or did your Dad get you to memorize it all? The da dit speak is not something I'm familiar with. I had to crack the code. I might not be as Aspergic as my dad, but I'm probably showing signs of improvement by now...

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 19 (view)

Did I screw up the no contact rule? unusual situation just happened Posted: 9/13/2012 3:01:56 AM
Sometimes when relationships end there's still a lot of love and/or attachment. Its so much easier to make a clean break when you can't stand the sight of each other. Its not unusual for relationships to take a while to end fully. When we end things verbally, sometimes that takes the pressure off the crap bits and we may see all the good things about that person which is to do with why we were attracted to them in the first place. This sort of thing usually sorts itself out, or just fizzles out, but I think your situation is complicated by her difficulties. Whilst each issue is manageable, combining the two could be very messy for both of you. She's not really in a position where messy is going to be conducive to her recovery, possibly the opposite. I agree with Deb, you need to put your own feelings aside and be her friend, or act entirely professionally, nothing more. If that's not possible, you need to consider that, right now with this one person, maybe you're not the right man for the job.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 37 (view)

Are People Looking For a Partner Who is Like Their Parent? Posted: 9/13/2012 1:44:27 AM
Better be careful what you ask for :) Da-dit-da-dit / Da-da-dit-da / dit-da-da-da / dit-da / da-da-dit-da (CQ Jac or Calling Jac) da-da-da/ dit-dit-dit-dit / da-da-dit/ da-da-da/ dit-da-dit-dit/ dit-da-dit-dit/ da-dit-da-da

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 10 (view)

Are People Looking For a Partner Who is Like Their Parent? Posted: 9/12/2012 10:24:29 AM
Yes, I'm looking for a man who does crossword puzzles in languages he doesn't speak and communicates in Morse code.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 47 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/11/2012 5:35:38 AM
i dont even know why im scared of storms its messed up proper. I don't see it as being messed up proper. I see it as, at some point it served a function even if it no longer does. Its there for a reason. To my mind, its just a matter of trying different hats on until you find one which fits. i dont like being alone thow i know that . What don't you like about being on your own? no never felt about that about my mum... Good. How about trying the opposite hat on? Were your fears part of your bond with your mum in some way? Maybe you shared something in common that brought you together, or you received comfort from her because of your fears?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 150 (view)

No sex Posted: 9/10/2012 4:46:26 PM
There's a bit of irony in you saying: when we meet i know that hes not the one for me but i would sleep with him just for the fun.. And then: i dont sleep with him as i know that if i want to keep a hold of this guy i should definatly not put out on the first date And then: do i find only the bad boys and players attractive???. When its you who appears to be playing the games with a disregard for other's feelings and opinions. I suggest you learn to communicate verbally and honestly.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 60 (view)

how tall is too tall Posted: 9/10/2012 4:15:13 PM
question how tall is to tall ,most wome are asking for 6 ft blokes or 6 ft 2 .etc but what if your like 6ft 7inches plus is this also a barrier im only asking as my father was 6ft 7 ..just curious. as to any answers or feed back thank you. Surely, you're the proof that 6'7" is not too tall? You do have to invest in job lots of wundaweb though, even the petite trousers are a bit long, and don t get me started on sleeves.... Please do not use the W-word in front of me, you shameless wench. I'm a tailor. faints at 6ft... Call yourself a Welshman??? snickers I'm interested to hear what people's upper limits actually are. Not that many people have actually said. x The tallest man (a Dutch boy, actually, we were very young) I've dated was 6'6"-6'9" (he grew), the shortest man (Welsh) was 5'1 1/2" (the half was important to him). I can think of greater priorities than height, like whether they're an utter arse, or not. Call me old fashioned. My daughter on the other hand, who's just under 5', seems to gravitate towards very tall men, but I think that's because they can stuff her into their hoodies and zip her in when she's cold. Its entirely mercenary.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 14 (view)

Would you date a woman who makes 1/4 of what you do? Posted: 9/10/2012 3:11:33 PM
If you made more money, then you wouldn't have to worry about that. I know it was wrong, but I snickered. blushing so if the girl i'm with can't afford to pay her share it automatically downgrades my lifestyle/what i'm used to. Yes, women will downgrade your lifestyle. As much as we pine for men like you to make our lives higher grade, I'd be strong if I were you. There's no place for emotion in relationships, I tell ya. It'll reduce your worth.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 7 (view)

Would you date a woman who makes 1/4 of what you do? Posted: 9/10/2012 2:42:13 PM
I'm not obsessed with it but i have a certain lifestyle i would like to continue living with a significant other and if they can barely support themselves they won't be able to take part in it... Y'know, I can decide for myself if I'm out of my depth in terms of finance related lifestyle. Its funny, but I don't seem to need a man to do the sums for me. Perhaps you could work out for yourself if you're intellectually out of your depth with women?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 89 (view)

When Do You Tell Them Your Real Name Posted: 9/10/2012 2:36:09 PM
I think a good idea to tell someone your real name so that they have something to scream out other than Oh Baby! or Oh God! or "Fvck me Santa"! "Oh Goddess! I beg of you, let me show you devotion!", or "Your wish is my command, Empress!" would be just fine, but, ye-ah, I'd be a little disconcerted at the last one being yelled at me. I'm off to wax.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 84 (view)

When Do You Tell Them Your Real Name Posted: 9/10/2012 9:13:55 AM
Its okay to exchange body fluids on the first date, but for goodness' sake don't tell anyone your name! Golly, think about security sensibly, eh?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 43 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/10/2012 12:49:41 AM
thanks.... must be the noise i used to be scared of fireworks i guess the evilness of it coming scares me too the darkness. i was getting bullyed at primary school at the time i got scared for about 4 years. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives the environment to be difficult or embarrassing to escape. So, you've mentioned agoraphobia, a fear of thunder, a fear of fireworks, bullying, your mum and the need for comfort and reassurance. Would it be fair to say you feel vulnerable in unpredictable situatons and you try to find predictablity (by checking the weather forecast, for example) and you seek safety, or protection? Maybe you felt you didn't get that from your mum when you needed it most and you didn't get that from your ex, either?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 74 (view)

Is it OK to keep going on POF and window shopping while you have a girlfriend Posted: 9/9/2012 5:05:49 AM
People come to POF with an intention. Incorrect. People come on to PoF for many reasons, with as many intentions as there are members, that's why there are all those profile options and the ability to contribute to the forums, hide your profile, etc., and a brain in each of us. I don't know how your boyfriend defines "window shopping" and neither do you, by the sounds of it. You ask a bunch of randomers who may all have different definitions, or ideas. You then pick the ones who agree with you to back up your argument. I gave him option that he can choose either me or POF but I guess I am just wasting my time and effort. You've already made the decision to end the relationship by offering this ultimatum. You relationship was over the moment you spoke these words. Such is the way with ultimatums and other controlling behaviours. Your boyfriend said he wouldn't have you controlling his actions and he was right. You cannot control other people, only yourself. You however, needed information from him in order to have control over your life. By saying that he was "window shopping", but not being transparent about what that meant to him, or taking into consideration the impact he might have been having on you, he was attempting to control you. Had you known his motivations and intentions, had you two been able to communicate effectively, you could have made an informed choice about your compatibility, without childish ultimatums. Assuming you'd decided you were incompatible, you could have just told him as much as you like him, its not the kind of relationship you're looking for. You've made an uniformed choice, it was in all probability the right choice, but you can think about the way you handle situations, the way you communicate, the way you behave...that way you won't be making the same c*ck ups again in the future. Take responsibility for yourself and your own actions; have control over yourself and your own actions. If you do this you will neither feel the need to attempt to control others, nor will you accept when others try to control you as you boyfriend was equally doing.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 6 (view)

How far to cast you net Posted: 9/8/2012 1:30:46 PM
Approximately 3639.992 miles.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 41 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/8/2012 1:25:38 AM
Well done for getting out and about with your daughter, that's a big step. I get the impression from your posts, its not lightening that pushes your buttons, its the noise which is the bit that can't do any damage. Would that be right? I'm also thinking there's an element of control going on here. You feel your phobia has controlled you for the last 23 years, but you attempt to regain control by checking the weather obsessively and changing your actions accordingly. Perhaps you might explore this aspect, as well as, or even in conjunction with what was going on in your family life at the time you picked up the fear of storms from your mother. Was there a lack of control in other areas? This is a link to a South African Choir who mimic the sounds of a storm as part of a song. I love it, I think its clever and has a powerful impact upon the senses. How would you feel about clicking on the link and watching it with the sound off? How would you feel about watching it with the sound on? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjbpwlqp5Qw

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 36 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/7/2012 7:18:20 AM
I'm sorry terminal, but you still haven't described the type of desensitisation you tried, or how the methodology was conducted. If you were hallucinating, I'd say that you had something else going on besides a phobia. You certainly aren't communicating clearly to make everything as obvious as you feel it should be. Also, ones ability to function with a phobia depends upon the phobia and its extent. If you have an intense tomato phobia to the point you can't go to any shops, travel on a bus, hold down a job - all in case you pass by a box of tomatoes outside a greengrocer's, then it will impact upon a relationship. If you just run out of a room while your partner catches a spider and chucks it out, it doesn't really impact upon a relationship all that much. Some phobias, or level of phobia can be managed without impacting upon daily life. The OP is saying he's currently unemployed because his phobia is impacting upon his daily life. It doesn't necessarily mean that he can't sustain a relationship, but dealing with his phobia will increase his quality of his life and in turn any potential partner's.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 34 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/7/2012 4:01:23 AM
mmm jac-the-gripper. we have all heard of desensitisation, and it probably does work to an extent, but can make the phobia worse. Thank you for your feedback, terminal. Which form of desensitisation (which everyone has heard about) do you refer to and can you explain how it can make phobias worse, please?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 32 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/6/2012 10:38:14 AM
I used to have a spider phobia. All, but the teeniest of money spiders sent me off into ultra-adrenalin mode, I'd avoid places that were likely to be dark and spidersish and have nightmares about our leggy friends. I sort of did a homemade systematic desensitisation thingy, got it under control and the nightmares just kind of went on their own, but I never quite achieved a loving relationship with the really big bstards. Then I became a mum. The one thing I didn't want to do was transfer my irrational fears onto my daughter. I managed to blag it for 7 years, despite living in a rather damp, spider filled rural environment. One day, I was sitting on the work surface in the kitchen as this enormous spider ran about the kitchen floor. Man that thing was so big and hairy, it had a Greek passport. My daughter was loving the company of Stefanos the Spider and was putting her bare (bare, I tell ya) foot in front of him so he'd run over it. Now being a caring, sharing sort of a lass she offered me time and time again for me to have a turn because it was so lovely and tickly. She got really rather upset that she was hogging all the fun to herself and during the discussion I noticed Stefanos was gone. "Errrmmm...where is it?" I asked in my bravest big mamma voice. "It's okay!" she said, "It's on the wall just behind your left shoulder!" It was at this point I proved my mysterious super-mummy powers and goddess-like status by travelling the length of the kitchen at high speed without the need for my feet to actually touch the ground. Needless to say, I had to 'fess up, much to my daughter's hilarity (the little squirt), that I was indeed, sht scared of big spiders. No amount of her pointing out (inbetween guffaws and 7 year old sarcasm) how much bigger I was than the gorgeous, fluffy Stefanos did anything to convince me. I still get her to rescue me from the really big, Jac-eating buggers who hide underneath the fridge waiting especially for me. Now, not passing on your resonably irrational phobia to your daughter should be pretty good motivation for getting your head round this. Systematic desensitisation is a process where you expose yourself to the phobic stimulus gradually. So for a spider phobia you might start with a teeny weeny money spider in a jam jar on the opposite side of the room, or even pictures of spiders. Whilst exposing yourself to the Orwelian horror, you practice relaxation techniques and ideally, you get to talk - having a sounding board around is not only support and comfort, it may also be a way of finding the key to the problem - sometimes memories pop back into your head, or you make connections about events in the past which lead to understanding where the phobia came from. Sometimes the connections can be rooted in severe trauma, sometimes in random events, or misunderstandings. My daughter developed a fear of the dark which took me years to fathom. I'd once left my curtains open because my alarm clock was broken and expected the dawn light to wake me. My daughter woke me as dawn approached and I sleepily explained to her. Unfortunately, it was at a time when we'd been to rather too many funerals in a short space of time and she'd got it into her 3 year old head that if there was no light, you didn't wake up and that's how people died. From then on, she always wanted the landing light left on at night. Anyhow, as we cope with each stage of systematic desensitisation, we become comfortable with the teeny weeny spider being let out of the jar, or whatever, we shift up a gear of our own choosing (its important to have control over events yourself) and gradually work our way through the phobia. The fact that you're happy to watch storms on TV and you're not resistent to dealing with this phobia suggests to me, you're already half way there to solving the issue. May it be noted, I didn't have to get to the stage where I could snog Stefanos's moustachioed little face for me to be totally functional - you don't have to selotape a lightening rod to your head and run about in a mountain-top storm - fear is your friend, its there for a reason. The bit that interests me about your posts is where you said you felt you'd be able to cope had your ex comforted and reassured you in the event of a storm. I've no intention of blaming your mum, but analysis of events back through the generations can sometimes lead to a solution. It just strikes me, your need for comfort and reassurance sounds a bit like you missed a bit of maternal something, or other and maybe you need to explore that, or even relive that if only for a short time, to set it straight in your head.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 31 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/6/2012 8:34:20 AM
not sure i guess i dont have much support to help me my ex just used to think i was silly she wouldnt help me like comfort me and say its okay its not going to hurt you we will sit and listen to it together and you will be fine plus being alone now makes it even worse to do i feel like i need someone there and that helps me with it. Golly, you can sort this out fairly painlessly, I'd say. Phobias become big things, but actually they're not that huge to sort out and very often they've got bugger all to do with the thing you're phobic about - the fears, or needs come from somewhere else and sometimes its just a matter of finding the key. Those who think phobias are silly, or who call you a wuss are like those who think they can tell someone who's depressed to cheer up and jolly well get on with things. Although there's an element of changing behaviour leading to changed state, it doesn't work unless its in conjunction with changing state (whether that's biochemical, thoughts, or feelings) which changes behaviour. Right, I've got to go and pick up my granddaughter. I'll be beck...said in best Arnie voice and I'll talk about resistance, systematic desensitisation, your need for support/comfort...and my own spider phobia (they're out to get me, ya know). :)

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 12 (view)

The Positive Relationship Thread Posted: 9/5/2012 1:23:19 PM
The ability and willingness to adapt.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 7 (view)

Poor Guy Dating Rich Woman Posted: 9/5/2012 2:15:36 AM
Start with the outer cutlery and don't lick your knife. You'll be fine. There'll be some things they have that you don't because of their lifestyle, but remember, there'll be things that you have of value that others might not because of your experience. Maybe you have an appreciation of all sorts of things related to love and happiness that might elude those who live a privileged life-style; maybe you have more focus upon the value of a human being and what it takes to survive along side another even when you have nothing. These things are important in a relationship. You get my drift. Somebody once gave me some sound advice for tackling academic exams - go into your exam knowing what you know, not fretting about what you might not know. When you get there, apply all that you know to every question. Adapting to the situation in hand is not a bad philosophy for dealing with relationships. ;)

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 13 (view)

Relationship Problem Posted: 9/3/2012 2:14:25 AM
Did the CBT include systamtic desensitisation, because if you like watching storms on TV, you're half way there. The question that comes to my mind is, why are you frightened of letting go of your phobia?

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 29 (view)

Relationship with someone with a different nationality Posted: 9/2/2012 7:17:31 AM
I'm totally anti those people who profess to being British because they can't actually enjoy having an individual identity or are too frightened to be themselves and revel in their own particular heritage whilst living abroad....but, if you want to know how I feel about people who claim to be something they aren't ..well then, I don't find them particularly attractive. I frequently refer to myself as British because I have a British passport. If you have an hour to spare, I could tell you about my origins, but some of its guesswork, so you might find that unattractive. BTW, a lot of English people don't realise that Wales is a seperate country, leave alone people from other parts of the world. It get's complicated trying to explain sometimes. ;)

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 35 (view)

What if you found your soul mate was the same sex as you? Posted: 9/1/2012 8:57:09 AM
I don't know what a soul mate is, I don't know what 100% heterosexual is. I don't think I would fall in love with someones genitals, so if I mutually fell in love with a man, I'd have a heterosexual relationship; if I mutually fell in love with a woman, I'd have a homosexual relationship. I don't think I'd need therapy to work that one out.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 10 (view)

I don't want to be the jealous type. Posted: 8/31/2012 4:21:25 AM
Do you know if he actually prompted her to say how she felt about him, or even if he prompted her at all? Do you know what he might be expecting if he did propmpt her? Scenario 1: She set up the game, he didn't prompt her, but she wrote that on his wall anyway to stir some sh*t. Scenario 2: He prompted her because he was concerned his behaviour was bad, or upsetting when they were together. Scenario 3: He prompted her to find out if she was clinging onto him with a vested interest that he didn't have. Scenario 4: They've been getting close again...but then why would he prompt her to publicly state her position if there was jiggery pokery going on behind your back. Wouldn't he ask that in private mail if he were interested in her? There's possibly any number of possibilities, one of which is that its nothing to do with him and she's trying to put a spanner in the works between the two of you. I suggest you don't succumb to childish games and just ask him. If you don't trust him after you've talked about it, move on - you haven't got anything, if you don't have trust. Its not unnatural for you to feel uncomfortable with this, but that discomfort is not necessarily jealousy.

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 21 (view)

did i over react should i have done things a diffrent way? Posted: 8/22/2012 4:37:19 AM
Fascinating, this poster doesn't know the difference btwn socializing in general and posting a pic on a dating site for the purpose of going to a singles party when he's dating a woman he considers amazing. Yeah he was just going to meet guy friends from a dating site, the first place any guy goes to meet new guy friends, lol. When you date someone and the word amazing comes up.....don't go "socializing" at a singles party or post pics and profile on a dating site unless you want this exact drama to ensue. Perhaps its different where you come from, or with this site, but my understanding of meets in the UK with people I know from a different site, it that they're mature adults who go and socialise with each other and are good friends. They're not teenage discos, or sleezy hook-up affairs.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 13 (view)

did i over react should i have done things a diffrent way? Posted: 8/21/2012 11:27:07 PM
Going to a PoF party is a social event isn't it? I didn't realise it was a date. That really is an impressive number of people to date at once, eh? ;) It sounds like she doesn't trust you to socialise with other people. I think it was magnanimous of you to cancel your social plans and delete your profile to cater for her trust issues. For her not to reciprocate when it was her demand sounds like she wants control over you, but the freedom to do as she pleases. It does make me wonder if her trust issues eminate from her own untrustworthiness. Either way, you have no trust. If you have no trust, you have nothing. Personally, I wouldn't entertain spending time with someone who didn't trust me enough to socialise, or who I couldn't trust because of controlling, jealous behaviours.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 43 (view)

torture for those who torture Posted: 8/20/2012 2:10:28 AM
jac the gripper, lets try to let the poor man die! i have no idea why we dont allow people this right. it is sad, but a life knowing yourself as so completely wrong must be incredibly hard. i have read the posts and had no idea that he was on hunger strike for so long. its such a degradation of a human right, to force feed him, the act should be kind, here it is simply extraordinary, we make him live so that we can hate him! I think you're making an assumption that Brady is remorseful and knows his existence is completely wrong, rather than simply trying to end his own suffering, or have one last aspect of control over his life. Otherwise, I'm inclined to agree with you. If we look at the circumstances of Hindley's life imprisonment, one of the things that would have contributed to popular opinion of her was the explicit photos that she allowed of herself to be taken by Brady during their affair. In the 60's that would have been considered depraved and indicative of their consequent depravities. Nowadays, couples in relationships out of wedlock taking explicit private photos is considered ordinary. I also wonder, given Brady's psychopathy, how much the 20 year old Hindley was influenced by the manipulations of this handsome man 5 years her senior. It doesn't excuse her actions by any means, but I do wonder whether she was to an extent, one of his victims. I think the ruling that she should never be released from prison was a political move which possibly had very little to do with her actual circumstances. Likewise, as you say, Brady's being kept alive for politically motivated reasons based upon that which the public want and that which the public wants effects who remains in power politically. Given that Brady's heinous actions were/are based upon the need for personal power and control, it then becomes ironic that we accept others inhumanity as being legitimate for the same reasons. We also neglect to take into account, if power, control and inhumanity are endemic in our societies, it can hardly be surprising that some take that to an extreme - they are already programmed for that being acceptable. By partaking in inhumanity, we feed inhumanity. We therefore have to accept some responsibility for inhumanities taking place.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 40 (view)

torture for those who torture Posted: 8/19/2012 2:32:10 PM
I've read a little more about this and it does seem like it may have been a desperate stunt to gain support for Brady to be allowed to die. He has no power and control left, not even to starve himself to death and its power and control that he appears to crave. It looks to me as if his mental health advocate was possibly manipulated into being a part of that poorly thought out scam. I think she's in a very difficult position and from the photos, I'd say the strain is showing. Her home in South Wales looks very modest to me, so its not like she's doing very well out of her employment in that respect, either. The obvious thing to do was to give the letter back to Brady, as she did, to demonstrate he had no power with his manipulations. The chances are, assuming the letter did exist, that it was blank, or said something vile inside. The police allegedly knew for a fortnight of the existence of the letter before it was given back. I wonder if its possible that any letter might have been examined without being opened within that fortnight. ...revenge starts to own you. you lose yourself, and is a very stark place to be. Achilesheel, I couldn't agree with you more. tips hat

Jac_the_Gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 56 (view)

Anyone else growing old alone? Posted: 8/19/2012 10:36:31 AM
No, you're doing the opposite of sabbotaging your chances. If you know that you're okay alone, you're more likely to be open to a healthy relationship than if you're so desperate that you'll rush into and foster unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy realtions tend to go pear shaped. I agree with the poster who said this fella was simply trying to hurt you and undermine you. Did he have a habit of trying to undermine you in your relationship? I'm guessing the answer is "yes" to that one, as this sort of behaviour doesn't come without some sort of history. Undermining you is a method used to disempower you. If you're disempowered you're more likely to be needy and stay with a prat. The relationship with said prat has ended, ergo it doesn't work. He has the methodology that is more likely to lead to being alone. He probably knows that, but wanted to project that upon you to make himself feel better.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 28 (view)

To Toupee/Wig or not to Toupee/Wig? Posted: 8/18/2012 8:34:18 AM
This is SO funny.... I had a woman from work tell me a little story about what happened to her at work yesterday. She attended a work shop. She was running a little late so ended up staying late to view one of the clips that she missed. While she was speaking to the seminar instructor a man came into the room to ask the instructor a question. J whispered to the instructor, "Does that look like a toupee to you"? She said that the man's face got very serious as he said, "That was my boss." J ended up apologizing to the instructor and walked away feeling embarrassed. To hear her tell the story, she had us in stitches laughing. Yeah. I guess you had to be there. Some people might not be able to grow hair, but you could choose to grow up, should you wish to.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 36 (view)

torture for those who torture Posted: 8/18/2012 8:28:30 AM
Surely the obvious answer would be to obtain the information legally, now that its allegedly been written down, even if that takes setting a legal precedent? To advocate torture, when there's a comparitively simple alternative (the law would have to changed to allow torture and I suspect that might be a little more complex with a few more global and political ramifications) is an issue of frequent occurring psychology within our society. I think what happens in these situations, as with any form of child abuse, is that people like to distance themselves from the abhorrent act. Its maybe a "I'm so not like that" emotional knee jerk reaction and yet the reality is we may find we have a helluva lot more in common with the likes of Brady than we'd care to admit...for example, we may believe that torture is a reasonable response to satisfying our own personal needs. It doesn't save any children, though does it? It just feeds the whole power and control, hierarchical issues we have in our society that may be extraordinarily influential in torture and child abuse existing in the first place. Furthermore, avoidance of potential future torture, if it became socially acceptable, is potentially likely to increase murders of children following sexual abuse as a means of permanently silencing them. Well done OP, it looks like you're all set to joining the "never mind the children, my needs are a priority" team.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 25 (view)

To Toupee/Wig or not to Toupee/Wig? Posted: 8/18/2012 7:35:41 AM
As "Ruler of the universe," I would think you'd have advisors to help you with the simple questions, such as this. Firstly, I think you'll find its me who is the Empress of the Universe and as such I can confirm I do not need advisors on this subject. snooty I can't help thinking that this thread is somewhat set up to instigate ridicule, which I feel is unkind and immature to say the least. I'll start my rationale with the psychology of recognition. Research into the use of criminal photofit art/technology has shown (apart from we're rubbish at it) we remember details about appearance in sequence, the most memorable feature being hair. If you want to rob a bank, wear a wig and the witnesses are scuppered. This means that hair is not only a primary factor in identifying people, its a primary factor in indentity. I've had a couple of doses of alopetia (its stressful deciding which planet to nuke first, y'know). The first time I lost about a third of my hair in patches and whilst waiting for it to grow back had a short hair cut that covered my embarassment. Now I've always had hair so long I can sit on it and it makes me infinitely recognisable. The moment I had it cut, everyone in the village stopped speaking to me and would walk right past me as if I didn't exist. This was rather disconcerting as I'm reasonably well known and it can take me upwards of an hour to make the 10 minute walk to the Post Office because its the kind of place where everyone stops for a chat. If you want to get somewhere in a hurry, you go incognito and certainly not in the company of a cute child. My sudden invisibility gave me an insight into the loss of identity that people experience when going through chemo, or having male pattern baldness. I've experienced the way people are shocked and stare when a North Westerly picks up the boofed up comb over and reveals the baldy patches. Its not good for the self-esteem, strangely. Neither is ridicule. I think the thing to remember is that loss of identity through hair loss is transient. It either grows back, or people relearn to recognise you with a new image. The change can be difficult and painful to deal with, but trying to hide change in appearance kind of drags out the agony. If I were to lose my hair permanently, I think I'd work with what I had, go with the flow and experiment with henna tattooing my scalp, so I could change the designs on a regular basis. I'd reinvent myself and use what might feel like adversity, as a creative tool.

jac_the_gripper

Joined: 1/17/2012

Msg: 63 (view)

Bad spelling Posted: 8/14/2012 2:58:47 PM
The writings of the deaf chap, that you mention, sound particularly intriguing. Are they available to be read on line, at all? It would be interesting to read them, first hand, to see what it is you're saying about it. I might be able to track something down and then I'd have to ask the chap's permission to post something here, or send something to you. I've started looking. :)

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