Cohabitation vs. Marriage chat & forums.

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Thread: Cohabitation vs. Marriage

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 87 (view)

Cohabitation vs. Marriage Posted: 8/30/2007 2:01:51 PM
I read an interesting article in Psych Today that talks about the benefits of living together before marrying and why more cohabitors turned married couples end in divorce. The study found that because we have different standards for living partners than for life partners, we may end up married to someone we never would have originally considered for the long haul. People are much fussier about whom they marry than whom they cohabitate with and that a lot of people cohabit because it seems like a good idea to share expenses and have some security and companionship, without a lot of commitment. Interesting article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20050614-000001&page=2

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Do you have a dream for yourself? Posted: 8/30/2007 1:31:40 PM
I hate to say it, but my dream right now is to have some of what LonelyFaerie's friends have ( without the pets). I have done pretty much everything I ever wanted to do. Tried almost everything. I have an excellent job and business. My BF and I have a great home in a great area with a great summer home to match. Of course I could always start another business ( probably a restaurant), or try out a new venture. But what i would really like now is to be married again and be more family oriented. I know, sounds boring. But I am ready to have my home office, cook the kids dinner at night and do the boring sh*t Mothers and Wives do. 12 hour days with commute time is no longer looking good anymore. My dream is to be able to sit on my deck while the friggin sun is still out LOL!!!

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

The truth about golddiggers Posted: 6/7/2007 8:21:43 AM
Hi Frank, Not sure if your post was meant for me, but I have always been under the assumption that whomever gives the invitation, whether it be the guy or the girl, they are the payer. If a guy or even my BF tells me he is taking me out for the evening, he's paying. From pre-dinner drinks to the after dinner/club drinks. If I am doing the inviting, the same goes for me. I'll take turns paying for drinks if that is established before hand, like if we mutually agreed to hang out and have a few drinks...

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Manipulators Posted: 6/6/2007 11:17:22 AM
Okay Eazk, You make a valid point and i should rephrase. Can you make someone realize that manipulating others is not the way to go for a happy relationship. And i am not only talking about boyfriend/girlfriend. Anybody. I think there are some people so use to doing this that they even do it with their own mothers...

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Manipulators Posted: 6/6/2007 11:04:37 AM
Eazk, Read the post...I said can a manipulator be taught that honesty is better than trying to manipulate. Big Diff...

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Manipulators Posted: 6/6/2007 10:58:14 AM
Have you ever gone out with a manipulator? Did you beat him/her at their own game? I know most people here will say " Dump Him". But if the manipulator does it to make himself look good or make himself feel better, can he be taught that it is not a good thing and that honesty is better than trying to manipulate people to agree with you and therefore like you?

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

The truth about golddiggers Posted: 6/6/2007 9:19:15 AM
I'm not a golddigger but i do expect my man to step up to the plate where finances are concerned. Why? Because I have. When i met my BF, we both had houses and/or vacation property, cars, retirement funds, upward mobility jobs. We both enjoy going to expensive restaurants ( We take turns paying) and we both love nice things. I know he was attracted to me because I am as ambitous as he is, I enjoy being sociable like him and I'm not too hard on the eyes. Maybe we are both golddiggers. Fotunately it's a mutually rewarding relationship :)

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Disturbing Dreams Posted: 6/6/2007 9:07:50 AM
I hardly ever fantasize about my loved one. It's usually with people I have never met, or even more so it's like I am getting off watching strangers. The few times i have fantasized about my loved one, I never really see them, but I can "feel" it's them. I know...weird. But i wouldn't call it disturbing.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Do Ladies Like men in uniform? Posted: 6/6/2007 8:59:55 AM
We just had Fleet Week here in NY. I just have one word for you. Yuuuummmyyy :)

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Was It Really That Bad? Posted: 6/6/2007 8:51:56 AM
My marriage was bad and i have had a few bad relationhips, but I have never felt bitter or jaded going into new relationships. I have always looked at them as learning/growing experiences and just another chapter in my book. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic...or maybe just hopeless LOL!!!

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Bit of a private one (no pun intended) Posted: 6/6/2007 7:53:13 AM
The only person who should be getting a brazilian is me....My man should look like a man, not a boy. If it's a bit rough down there, then please trim, but shaving it all off is not cool.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

What are your views on big age gaps between couples.....do you think there is an acceptable limit. I Posted: 6/6/2007 7:45:58 AM
I've always dated older men, in high school my BF was in his last year of university. But to tell you the truth, I think I would like to date a guy around my age who hasn't had kids and/or been married. I've been dealing with ex-wives/baby's Mamas and step children since I was in my early twenties. I'd like to try being with someone who doesn't have so many other things going on... I think it would be nice to be able to focus on our relationship.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

How much time to you really have/want? Posted: 6/6/2007 6:58:14 AM
I'm not sure I can put in the exact amount of hours needed, but I think we need to make the effort to have quality time. My BF and I work 12 + hours a day incl. commuting. We have dinner and go to bed to be back up at 5. On the weekends we have his kids. So he has to devote his time to them. Which is cool, but i have to admit, it can be tiring for me. My boss is from the Netherlands and he was explaining to me one time that he always makes sure he has time to sit down with his wife in the mornings and have a coffee and breakfast. he said he enjoys going to work knowing he had the time with her and it puts him in a great mood. He doesn't think North Americans spend enough time with their spouses and families. What's funny is we always have the excuse that we need to work all these hours to make money, but I know my boss makes more money than most CEOs here in N.Y. and yet he always has time for his wife and kids...makes you think.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Men living with their parents: A social taboo? Posted: 6/5/2007 1:20:38 PM
I am not sure if i could date someone who lives with their parents. The biggest thing for me would be Privacy. I guess I just don't understand it. I left home when I was 17. I am not saying I'd ever want my child to leave that early, but I learned to get by. Sometimes i have had to have 2 or 3 jobs, but today i think I'm a better person for it. I have learned the value of saving and investing for my old age. I think living on my own taught me to be a stronger person. But that's just been my experience...

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

As a guy, I find it offensive... Posted: 6/5/2007 12:21:11 PM
OP, I understand where you are coming from. It's like a screening process for some people. I dated an attorney for years and whenever we went to one of their watering holes, someone usually asked me if I was an attorney as well. If I said no, it was like I wasn't worth talking to because I couldn't talk shop...My ex hated other attorneys just for that reason

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

Canadian Girls....Is it just me... Posted: 5/31/2007 3:28:27 PM
I can tell you being raised in Montreal and moving to NYC 15 years ago, that Canadian women are much hotter than US girls. Even in a place like NY where everyone is or has been a model there is no comparison. I think it's also the attitude. NY women are hard without much going on upstairs. Even worse is L.A.... it's like the lights are on but no one's home syndrome. I miss home

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

Greener Pastures Posted: 5/31/2007 8:12:05 AM
That's an interesting point Joe. I have been wondering about that as well. If a couple constantly finds themselves going through obstacles, whether they are within the relationship or indirectly ( other people putting strain on the relationship), whether it just becomes too much no matter how much they care about each other. I know there are alot of people my age who have to deal with their S.O's exes and kids, and although the couple may get along famously, the added people can be stressful on a relationship, especially if they are not your responsibilty... Again, interesting thought.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Greener Pastures Posted: 5/31/2007 6:19:52 AM
I don't think it's the internet. I think we give up too easily. I don't find we work hard enough anymore to save our relationships. I don't know if it's because we work harder and therefore don't have the time or interest, but it's like we can't be bothered. I don't feel there is anymore compromising to try and see the other persons point of view or try and understand their feelings. It's like a lot of people take an "It's My Way or The Highway" type of attitude. I also notice very few people own up to their mistakes. They make excuses for bad behavior or somehow it's the other person's fault. Again, I'm not sure if it's the way our society has become more work driven and in turn become more materialistic, which can breed an attitude that we work hard for what we have or become, and therefore aren't going to put up with any bulls*t from another person...and so we are willling to look elsewhere.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Likeable Personalities Posted: 5/30/2007 1:48:40 PM
I think you need to ask yourself if you're doing nice things for people to be kind and giving ... or if you're doing them for the thanks. I'm not sure if doing things out of the kidness of your heart applies in Corporate America... I may be wrong, but I seldom see that displayed.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Likeable Personalities Posted: 5/30/2007 12:48:35 PM
Thanks Guys for the kind words and advice. It's funny, because one of the reasons I was picked for this job is because of my kick-ass, take no prisoners attitude. I have found this in my relationship as well. My BF always remembers the first time he spoke to me i pretty much told him off, but he liked that i had a head on my shoulders...maybe this sort of attitude is a turn on at first, but then it becomes a turn off??? His friends (girls) are very Damsel in distress types that aren't very smart.

kimnyc

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Likeable Personalities Posted: 5/30/2007 12:29:40 PM
I am not sure if this is the place to post this, but I like this forum :) I am just wondering if there are certain personailities that command appreciation and respect. I work as an exec. asst. to the CEO and Prez of a prominent company in N.Y. I know I didn't get the job because of my great smile...it' s a lot of work and responsibility. Anyways, i've been noticing certain people with whom i have to have contact, totally ignore my contributions to the company. They'll praise and thank other people for doing things. But when I do things for them, which I don't really have to do, because they are not my responsibility, I don't get Jack...not even a Thank-you for going out of my way to help them... I have begun to notice this in my private life as well. I work very hard for the people I love, but I feel that it has become expected. But let someone else, who doesn't support them or help them out, ask for favors, my Loved Ones are right there... I know it sounds like i am in the self-pity bag. But I am really trying to find out if it's because certain people's personalities attract respect and appreciation, and if so, can we train ourselves to be more like them?

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Filming Sexual Encounters! Posted: 5/14/2007 11:27:19 AM
I think there is a tape of my BF and his ex floating around the house... WTF would he keep it? He's never watched it ( it has to be watched on a special type of camera..). Hmmm...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 145 (view)

Do women still like guys who sing to them? Posted: 5/10/2007 10:22:58 AM
This sounds corny, but one of my ex's use to sing Endless Love to me. He sounded just like Lionel Ritchie. Unfortunately he wanted me to sing with him...I don't sound like Diana Ross.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 662 (view)

guys who don't like blowjobs Posted: 5/10/2007 10:10:11 AM
My BF's the same way. It feels good to him, but he doesn't get off on it. It might have to do with where he gets the most pleasure from on his penis ...If it's at the base, giving head may not stimulate that part enough for him like intercourse does.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

losing battle Posted: 5/10/2007 9:12:24 AM
OP, I can kind of understand your feelings as i was in your BF's position when I was married. My ex had a daughter who was going through a really tough time and I can honestly say she was a total b*tch from 12 to about 17. But i realized that she was lashing out at me because she felt confused about Mom, who had her own problems. I don't think you should alienate your children EVER, but you do need to put your foot down and have a very serious talk with them. You love this guy, and if he is good to you, it would be a real shame to lose him. You should all try and have a sit down. Try to get out the issues your kids might be having, and allow your boyfriend to explain what issues he has. But I think it's important that EVERYBODY involved be apart of this meeting. You'd be suprised how when openly discussed, big issues really turn small. Especially with children ( and doubly so for little girls who are 15...). If this relationship means alot to you. As much as I know the relationship with your children do, take care of things now. Don't wait. Hope it gets better.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Wants and Need Posted: 5/9/2007 1:39:18 PM
That's what I was wondering. I think there is a difference between Wanting someone and Needing someone. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they think they need the other person ( which is usually the wrong reason to stay) and will put up with a lot of crap because of their misconception. When you Want someone, you honestly love being around them and love what they do for you emotionally. But if things change, you can easily see if the relationship is going in a bad direction, reevaluate your circumstances and make changes if need be.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Wants and Need Posted: 5/9/2007 1:13:58 PM
OP. Do you mean the difference between Wanting someone and Needing someone?

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 64 (view)

Chapped lips from going down on females Posted: 5/9/2007 12:02:47 PM
Sounds like she must have been acidic......good thing you kicked her to the curb...lol. Seriously...isn't a woman's secretions suppose to be lubricating???? How would you get chapped lips? I am shivering with thoughts...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Why do girls date guys that they know are bad for them? Posted: 5/9/2007 11:58:26 AM
We are gluttons for punishment...seriously.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Partner is a Sadist...Thoughts? Posted: 5/9/2007 11:22:47 AM
I've enjoyed very physical sex. Uncomfortable and mildly painful Yes. Humiliating or torturous (sp?) Never. I think there is a difference. I would never allow someone to be mentally abusive to me or make me do things I don't feel comfortable with. But being spanked and called a B*tch in bed... I don't think it's gonna hurt my psyche..

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

Uncircumcised Issues... help? Posted: 5/9/2007 10:55:20 AM
I am not sure if anyone mentioned having an experience like this...When I was much younger I dated a guy who was uncircumcised. Somehow I cut him under his foreskin, probably with one of my hairs ( no comments plleeeaase). Because it was under the skin, it couldn't heal properly and he ended up having a circumcision, which i hear is tres painful as an adult, and takes longer to heal. Needless to say, he didn't mess with me too long after that...to bad really. He had a hell of a body!!! It's just a thought...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

cost of dating Posted: 5/9/2007 10:44:20 AM
I think a lot of people date within their economic demographics. My BF and I have spent $200 on dinner for very special occasions ( remember, this is Manhattan...a good martini will run you $12). In the beginning he paid mostly because he invited me out. Then I started inviting him out, so of course I paid. Now that we live together we go back and forth.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Guns Posted: 5/3/2007 9:46:43 AM
I lived with a hunter for 10 years so he had a lot of guns and bows. He was also licensed to carry a pistol. We had 2 safes. A 2 Ton case in the basement for the hunting stuff and a small safe in the bedroom for his pistol. I also dated a Marksman for a bit. Needless to say i am fine with it. Most hunters that I know have immense respect for handling firearms in the house. They spend a lot of money on good safes and NEVER take them out around the kids. That's key i think. Most accidental shooting have happened with people who don't realize what a resposnibility it is to have a gun. They think it's a toy or something.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

ex's Posted: 5/3/2007 8:57:40 AM
Njust1, I think that was uncalled for...really. Like most of the people on this forum aren't a little f*cked up one way or other.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

Dating Outside Your Culture Posted: 5/3/2007 7:47:48 AM
OK Fun tall... In your original post you said "I notice 'unfriendly' eyes gleaming at you should you be in a situation like this. " I didn't realize you were referring to your friend.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

Dating Outside Your Culture Posted: 5/3/2007 7:36:12 AM
OP, it sounds like you may have some issues with dating outside of your race. I'm comfortable with it, so i don't notice any weird looks. As for my family caring...I don't think so. My parents are white and the kids are all different nationalities. They care about other things like if he treats me well...Maybe I'm just lucky to have been brought up in that environment.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

ex's Posted: 5/3/2007 6:55:41 AM
It sounds like you're lonely and when we are lonely we settle. And when we settle, we usually make bad choices. Just chill out a bit. Spend some quality time with your child. You're head will become clearer and you'll probably see that neither of these guys are worth the time....

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Finances Ruining the Relationship Posted: 5/2/2007 1:32:23 PM
Thanks Piano4te and FFryan. Interesting thoughts. I think he knows that he is not alone. Whether or not we should make each other's properties joint is a hard question. Maybe we should just sell them and get something together. Nobody wants to think their relationship is built on or can be destroyed over material things, but they do make things very complicated.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Finances Ruining the Relationship Posted: 5/2/2007 1:01:34 PM
You're right. i should clarify that the house we live in is his house. So things like the mortgage, property taxes, his phone lines ect...are his. I have now started contributing to these things to help out along with paying my own bills ( which he doesn't contribute to). I agree that a change in circumstance can be disheartening, but I believe we can work it out. If not, then we move into a smaller place. NOT a big deal. But when questioned about working on having a healthy relationship, his answer shouldn't be " I don't want to be snuggling in a dark house".

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Finances Ruining the Relationship Posted: 5/2/2007 12:32:51 PM
where did you get that he is sitting on his ass??? He has a very good job and has his own side business. The problem is that he is not making as much money as he did a year ago...he pays for most of the bills. I contribute what i can because i also have property I own. This has nothing to do with him or me being lazy...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Finances Ruining the Relationship Posted: 5/2/2007 12:15:45 PM
I think we have all heard about the fact that finances are one of the main reasons for relationship breakups. But is it really just that? I am not going to go into details, but i am wondering if my BF's reasoning for a decline in our relationship has to really do with finances....For my part, I have started helping with bills, curbed our weekly dinner out to picking up KFC or any other similarly hazardous fast food, tried to cut costs down anywhere I can and even suggested fun things to do that cost very little or no money at all. His only answer is that we are not where we were a year ago and he is not going to be happy until we are. I am wondering if there is anything else going on. I am not sure I can do anything else to help out, but damn, I think he needs to try too. I told him that once everything is said and done and he is back to where he wants to be, there will be nothing left of our relationship. Does anyone have any suggestions other than what i have already mentioned, cause emotionally this just really sucks...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 56 (view)

Sexy Lingerie; Intimate Apparel.... Do Men Expect It? Does It Really Matter? Posted: 5/2/2007 10:34:35 AM
Never Expected, but Greatly Appreciated :)

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

Black or blonde girls.... just wondering, are we different? Posted: 5/2/2007 10:29:33 AM
What's up with the referrals to Beyonce and Tara for beautiful black women? These girls are anything but...way too fake. How about Halle Berry or Thandie Newton? These women are GORGE-ASS and all natural to boot...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

How do you get over the pain of cheating? Posted: 5/2/2007 10:06:34 AM
There is a saying " Time is a Great Healer". OP, one day you will look back on this and realize that it was for the best. Your girls will be happy you did it as well. If I can just give a small bit of advice: NEVER talk bad about your wife to your children. Kids are not dumb and if they don't know already what type of person their mom is, they will in the future. It's not up to you to tell them. It will just alienate them. Be very supportive and explain as nicely as possible that their Mom is not able to be there for them right now, but you know she misses them very much. Don't tell them that she is a terrible Mom and that she is a cheating drunk. Kids don't need to know that or any other adult business. As for you, as soon as you are ready you should start socializing. NOT dating. Just get out and meet nice people who may have the same interests as you. Don't hermitize yourself as we seem to do in this situation. It's important for your girls to see you moving on and trying to make a happy life for yourselves. Take Care

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 127 (view)

Would you date someone who is disabled? Posted: 5/2/2007 9:48:15 AM
Thank-you DucesWild. OP, one thing that I have learned from my sister is that she doesn't feel sorry for herself. I think our family feels worst for her than she does. She is very self concious (what 21 year old in University wouldn't?), and tries to hide her legs, but she does have the attitude that says "Take me as I am or forget you." Good Luck and Take Care.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 123 (view)

Would you date someone who is disabled? Posted: 5/1/2007 12:55:26 PM
All I can say is I really hope so. My sister is disabled with Osteoparosis in her legs. She is a beautiful girl with a beautiful body, but her poor legs have been through 17 plus surgeries ( she has another one lined up this summer). She is too self conscious to wear anything but slacks and she is starting to get an attitude of trying to feel superior to others, when I know it's camoflage for hiding her self consciousness. She's going to need a very understanding and veeerryy patient guy. BTW, it's funny that you say Asian women are more apt to date a guy with disabilities. The ones I have known are not at all like that. They were traditional in the sense that they believed in survival of the fittest. In their countries people with disabilities or born with deformaties were still kept away from the rest of the world...maybe they only accept it with American men...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Dating smo with poor social skills? Posted: 5/1/2007 12:22:49 PM
It really depends on the setting. If I go with my BF to a party where it's all of his friends and i don't know any of the other SOs, I'll stay back a bit and wait until I'm approached or see if a mutual conversation starts. But I won't go around the party introducing myself or trying to strike up a conversation. BTW, a good host/hostess will always take a new addition of the group around and introduce him/her or bring them into a conversation to make them feel relaxed. If it's business or a networking function then it's up to me to be more sociable and make advances cause that's what I'm there for. To meet contacts, future business relationships ect...

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

A man giving a woman a yeast infection Posted: 5/1/2007 7:21:52 AM
Absolutely. It's not shameful. It's just a bacterial infection. The best thing to do is flush it out by drinking a lot of cranberry juice. It has a lot of antioxidants. If you don't like the taste of CJ, drink plenty of water. But the main objective is to clean out your urinary tract. That's where the infection is.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

How can I look better? Posted: 5/1/2007 7:13:55 AM
I agree that alot of it has to do with your confidence and personality. I had a friend who went to high school with Jimmy Walker from Good Times. He said that even back in high school he had " All the ladies" because he was very charming and exuded confidence. This was long before his acting success. I may sound sexist here, but a guy has a lot more leeway on the looks department than a woman does. Why? Because on the most part men are visual, women are more emotional. We'll see attraction in the things that you do. I have met plenty of Ugly men who were considered handsome, but their personalities sucked.

KimNYC

Joined: 3/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

How can you date when you got kids and only a few people to babysit???? Posted: 5/1/2007 6:04:23 AM
Believe me, i know it's hard. What I did was I went to a nearby private college (literally 2 blocks away) and posted a babysitting job on a bulletin board in the Student Services area. Usually, most colleges have areas that local businesses and individuals can post part time work for students to do after school. I had a great girl who was studying very hard, had no interest in dating at the time because she was taking extra courses to finish earlier. If you decide to do this, your best bet is to post something in the Early Childhood Education department. These kids are looking to work with young children after they graduate and their patience is VERY long. You will also want to let them know it's occasional babysitting. A lot of students are reluctant to babysit every day. Good Luck!

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