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 Author Thread: Why make all the sacrifices?
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/20/2012 10:24:08 PM
Aw, you gave her a reason to panic about finding someone else, and she was playing a game but gave in. So cute! Best of luck.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 7/20/2012 8:45:57 PM
It's a respect issue. If it's not your home, you abide by whatever requests are given no matter how silly you may think they are.

Unless your parents have their head in the sand, they are fully aware that the likelihood that their son has had sex and wants to again in the future. That doesn't mean they are going to give you their stamp of approval. Parents don't want envision their children being sexual beings. Think about how gross the concept is to you about your parents having sex. Obviously they have, but that doesn't mean you want anything to do with it.

Plus, they're not going to support any exercises that may give them grandchildren prematurely.

If your place is off limits, try hers. If hers as well, looks like it will have to be spontaneous escapades and motel rooms until someone's living situation changes.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Guys- kiss after oral foreplay?
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:13:23 PM
I've come (no pun meant) across men who don't want to kiss after a lady swallows. They think a drop of semen on or in their mouth= too close to "gay". Even if it's their own.

Never made much sense to me when a guy is willing to have you do something, but doesn't want the remnants of the end results.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:52:45 PM
Sorry, I don't think it's a coincidence her struggling is coinciding with her sudden need to get back with you.

The reasons you're feeling sorry for her is because 1) She was a big chunk of your life 2)Need of closure 3)You're not a heartless person.

Getting up and walking out on a six relationship just because she wasn't feeling it anymore is not a rash decision. This was something she thought through for awhile and decided not to give ya a heads up. Ice cold.

Don't let your soft spot for her, your wounded heart and empathy, cloud your judgement. She made her bed and was happy lying in it until it was no longer comfortable. Too bad.

She didn't care about your hardships, so I'm not sure why you would care about hers. But, if you do; my opinion would be supportive if you so chose to be... only as a "friend" if you will. Ask her straight out, what is it she expects you to do? Give her some money, find her a new place to live, be a sound board? Extend your branch only slightly for this girl. I personally wouldn't even have spoken to her... but if you do decide to be there, be so very little.

For your sanity and well being, just don't take her back.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 75 (view)
 
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:24:48 PM
Deciding who's to blame for spreading a STD/STI is a sticky situation. It makes sense and it's a much larger possibility it was your girlfriend, based on the risky behavior she has admitted and number of partners, but you truly don't know. Like someone already posted, certain ones cannot show up for months or years. Condoms aren't fool proof. Some times condoms aren't used at all (whether a long term relationship or a one night stand). Some were cheated on, got it from their partner, and had no idea. There's so many scenarios. Unless one was a virgin entering the relationship, if you had a previous sexual partner- you're just as likely as the other person to have something and not know. In the same sense, catching a STD/STI doesn't automatically make one a dirty, reckless person.

Break it down:


[quote ]It started as a one night stand that developed into something else.
Alright. So you're really not in a position to judge her on having one night stands when you're a participant of this behavior as well.



Anyway, after being together (not officially) for about 4 months we had unprotected sex.

Again, both equally willing to do this. No one can't point fingers.



A couple weeks later I noticed something a bit odd. So naturally I went to the doc. Turns out I had an STI. So was given antibiotics to take for a couple weeks. I talked to her about it. I know she wasn't 100% innocent, and I was with no one since I met her. So I told her to go to the doc to get checked as well. She did, and of course she had it too.

Time line makes sense, but again; you truly don't know. You went to get it checked once something looked off. Chicken or the egg.



She also said I was her first boyfriend. Mind you, this girl is a few years older than me and I am in my mid 20's...
Then about December or January, I noticed something else...erm...down there. So it was back to the doc. Doc thought it was HPV...
She told me she had about 9 one night stands, all of them from clubs/bars when she was really drunk. One time she said a condom wasn't used but she was too drunk to really even know until it was too late. I only half believed her because it seemed pretty obvious in bed that she had sex more than 9 times. But I gave the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to trust her.

Ok, you're now cooking with some gas here. She isn't fully being honest and your sixth sense is telling you so. Her behavior of picking up random dudes at bars and sleeping with them is not safe. I would be having an issue with her judgements and why she has/had a need to do this. But, you were originally going to be a one night stand as well and were fine with it...so yeah, again with the pointing fingers.
However as for as strictly the sex goes, is that really different from sleeping with someone on the first date, or sleeping with someone you thought you're well on your way to dating for a while, and they drop off the face of the earth after? The end result is pretty much the same.
And how the hell can you judge on their performance if their experience is + or - nine times? Please inform me Olympic judge of sex.



It all started with her making out at a party with another girl, she was super drunk. I've seen her kiss girls before and it never really bothered me. But full on making out is not something I consider someone in a relationship would be doing...even if it is girl/girl.

Where's the line between a kiss and making out for you? I'm not sure why one is approved but a few more kisses is a potential deal breaker. Pick a side and stick with it.



Then finally she came to tell me about her wild past. She told me she didn't know how many men she really was with, but maybe about 2 different guys every month for 2 years. So I am guessing about 50. I personally think that is an outrageous number. But if it was with healthy relationships, or at least half of them, I could at least consider the possibility. However, she told me "anyone" was basically okay. So I find this really slutty and have a hard time wrapping my heart and mind around this.

Here's where you can officially start giving her some blame. 50 dudes in two years (that she's admitting to anyway) is a big alarm that should be telling you this girl is probably not relationship material. She probably had sex more than once with at least one guy too. Is this girl a sex addict? Why does she choose to get a new random peen twice a month? That's a jump from on average sleeping from a new dude every three months to every two weeks. That's quite the little problem she has there, covering God knows how many issues. Strap in, you're in for some fun with this one.



she said she was with 2 other guys after we met. Still not boyfriend and girlfriend, still kind of just friends with benefits, but I did see her more than a half dozen times. I tried really hard to forget about that.

Yes, nothing says she's really interested in you like getting two more d*cks in there. Another red flag, but who's counting.



But then she told me that on a trip to the U.S. (I am American, she is foreign) with her friend, she also slept with a guy from a club. That trip to the U.S. was only about 2 weeks before asking her to be my girlfriend. I already had spent her birthday with her, had a short trip, she came to my house, and I'd seen her a dozen times!!

No worries brah, try to forget this one too. After all that, another stranger penis still beats you out.



I really do believe I am her first boyfriend. I am the first guy that saw something special in her to stick around. She told me the reason she did all this was that she felt she just couldn't find love and before having to get married through a possible arrangement she needed to do it...I know she had trust issues and thought I was just playing her. She met me the same way she met all her previous one night stands. But like I said it should be obvious that it was different. I was the first one to call her back to hang out.

I don't know if you're incredibly noble, or incredibly stupid. You don't think there may be a reason you're supposedly the first guy to call her back, and the first guy willing to get serious with her--after at least 53 of them? I'm not a betting woman, but if I was...

Your main flaw is criticizing and holding against her, the same behavior you have been accepting (and partially participating in). That would be confusing for anyone to rationalize.
If you're going to love this girl, than truly love her. Shady past, psychological issues and all unconditionally. I would say it would be best she goes into therapy for herself, and seeing a couples counselor together.
If you don't trust her, or don't want to put the work in it's going to take for this relationship to be 100%... leave now. Seriously sit down and reflect on the actions taken place, your true trust for her, and what it would take to make her "whole" to you.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 68 (view)
 
How to deal with a stalker
Posted: 7/13/2012 5:23:17 PM
I had this happen. I was speaking with someone, all seemed well, gave him my number; then the fun began. He would call four times in five mins- a few times a day, freak out if I didn't text him right away, had mood swings from wanting me to hating me.
I told him he was acting like a Creepy McStalkerson, it wasn't going to work and to stop. blocked his number and his profiles. And like your situation, he would make multiple profiles and writing me long winded bipolar messages expressing everything from how I must be "toying" with him to practically proposing marriage. He eventually got bored of me, but not until he had another woman he was speaking to on this site contact me as well. As for her, stupidity knows no bounds.

As far as the site goes, the only thing you can do is block and contact POF letting them know about the multiple profiles (violation of the site on its own) and what exactly is going on. If he's bothering you outside of POF and you made it very clear he shouldn't be contacting you, there's always the option of filing a complaint with his police department for aggravated harassment. You'll need proof of e-mails and phone calls though.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 4:57:04 PM
I wouldn't be too impressed either.

She stated her terms to proceed forward were that she wanted to wait a few months before being intimate. This would of been a prime opportunity to discuss the why, and really share your feels and how you each see relationships.

In the context of your question; her reasons don't matter. What matters is she presented her TOS and you agreed. No one forced you to agree. If this is something you weren't willing to take your chances on, it was in your full right to say so and to move on to greener pastures.

But after agreeing to her conditions and wanting to continue to see her, the monkey wrench of "well, since you're holding out on the p***y, I'm going to see what else it out there and do what serves me best. No promises". Revealing you're truly not on the same playing field when it comes to building relationships. But also looks really petty on your end as if to say "if you're going to punish me, I'm going to punish you".

If you were truly into this girl, you wouldn't mind waiting a few months if that's what it would take for her to be intimate with you. Since there was no time range, it could of been a lot sooner than you're assuming.
Relationships are built on other things besides sex after three dates. What's the rush anyway? What's the big sacrifice on your part? That you could possibly "wasting" your time by spending a few weeks getting to know her and going home to j**k off?
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 24 (view)
 
FWB (not) turning into relationship
Posted: 7/7/2012 7:43:10 PM
I don't think her policy is the best policy, but I don't think its all flawed either.

Her biggest disservice to herself is she is obviously very co-dependent on the company of a man. This isn't healthy. After 7 years and most of her 20's in a relationship, I can see why it is a struggle for her. Your 20's is really for defining who you are and she has done so as the other half to someone else. She isn't seeing her exchanges with these men as pluses and fun in her life but as a means to an end which is not promised.

Now, she who was focused on her self growth, independent, strong, etc. then there wouldn't be such an issue for her. Ultimately, a man who wants all of you, a relationship that works, and crazy chemistry will be successful whether they sleep with each other the first night or 6 months down the line. A man who friend zones you as he inserts his penis, is not a sign of a forever relationship if there was ever one.

Your friend really just needs to learn to stand on her own and concentrate on being ok single. She has to accept no one in this world is to be depended on other than herself. Accept the good with the bad, and let the chips fall where they may. Once she does, sleeping with guys early on and having sex without the promise of relationship is more than okay and she should do as she pleases.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Fb - Why is it even important??
Posted: 6/28/2012 7:31:38 AM
because part of the routine for a lot of men in our age group to use pof to beef up their friends list. that, and they want to check out more pics.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 28 (view)
 
I think I have become the security blanket……
Posted: 6/28/2012 7:27:28 AM
why don't you spare yourself the headache and cut her off. she's your ex, you have no children together: its done. trust me no new girl is going to want to deal with this crap.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Dating while pregnant
Posted: 6/23/2012 8:38:33 PM
I don't know her, but I think just based on the info given so far; that she should put the dating on hold.

She has one small child, she's pregnant by another man's child that she:

My boyfriend and I didn't date entirely long.


and two month's later after his death, she wants to know if it would be appropriate for her to date other men.

Slow down! Instead of trying to find yet another man in your life; and possibly another pregnancy by a third father in the future... concentrate on what's in front of you for the time being. Enough is on your plate. A job, your home, your child, and a new born coming up. And you're only 24. Why the need for another man so soon?

I mean it's your life, do what you like. But this should be the last thing on your to do list.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 581 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:27:18 PM
I wasn't cheating. I tripped and fell on his penis. Pretty justifiable excuse.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Burning Bridges
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:19:42 PM
Sometimes people get exactly what they deserve. If they are nasty, they shouldn't be surprised when it hits them back threefold. If you're done with this person, it really doesn't matter.

I've burned bridges. But it wasn't for lack of trying. I give everyone in this world one fair shot, then I'm pretty much done if they prove to me otherwise. No sense in wasted energy. I can't say it was ever rude, more like very direct.

For example, today I texted someone who wanted to go out with me a third time but then kinda blew me off and just stopped communicating. I tried contacting him one more time to set something up, and all of sudden he wanted to come over this week to "cuddle". LOL sure thing. I asked him to clarify what his deal was, and why the back and forth. No real reason and tried to the reverse psychology "I guess if you don't want to, I'll leave you alone". Then he stopped responding. In my usual fashion, I gave him a direct response of "I really enjoyed spending time with you, and thought you felt the same. The extremes are a bit confusing especially since we live so close. I tried on my end. If you want to make some concrete plans and actually go through with them; you have my number". As far as I'm concerned, I'm done.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Is he not into me??? HELP PLEASE
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:06:14 PM
sounds like he likes you enough to spend time with but not really too invested. more like "eh why the hell not, i got nothing to do anyway". you don't want to put effort in to someone who expects you to be the one to take all the iniative. try dating elsewhere and leaving him alone. if you hear from him, you'll have your answer.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Some girls say they like nerds... How about guys who watch anime?
Posted: 6/23/2012 10:46:00 AM
^ nothing to do with your post, but how you doin'?
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Some girls say they like nerds... How about guys who watch anime?
Posted: 6/22/2012 2:07:14 PM
I think the "I love nerds/dorks" phase could really be summed up with this (NSFW):
http://imgur.com/gallery/ZoQQk
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Women on sports
Posted: 6/22/2012 12:27:49 PM
i do think some women love sports, but not a huge number. they may like playing a certain sport; but i can't say i personally come across many women who sit and watch an entire football game alone. i think in many cases you're right; its more like a bate tactic or something that will make them more appealing to a man. also for social and conversation topics.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 8 (view)
 
how much older was the oldest man that you ever dated?
Posted: 6/22/2012 12:16:43 PM
^ or by law. which ever applies to the individual situation
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 5 (view)
 
how much older was the oldest man that you ever dated?
Posted: 6/22/2012 12:07:37 PM
i wouldn't say a large percentage go out and specifically look for it, but if someone just "clicks" with you; it could happen. there are many relationships with large age gaps.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Dating while pregnant
Posted: 6/22/2012 12:03:37 PM
you should probably include next to the part in your profile about being single mother to a two year old, that you're also pregnant.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 7 (view)
 
What is it about smiley faces in messages?
Posted: 6/22/2012 11:58:49 AM
she's trying to be cute.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 2 (view)
 
how much older was the oldest man that you ever dated?
Posted: 6/22/2012 11:56:16 AM
sounds like someone is looking for women significantly younger.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Question that might have been asked...
Posted: 6/21/2012 1:27:56 PM
Many time, people aren't so fortunate to find someone quickly.

There's so many factors as to why someone might be on here for a long time, excluding being "picky and wanting attention".

How often they check their mail, their process in responding, weeding through the e-mails in order to get to the phone stage, phone calls, and then finally the first meet. More often than not, these meets don't going beyond the first. Then there's the wait to see if both parties are interested before moving on and repeating he cycle.

Also factor in how busy someone is, how dedicated they are to dating, and if they are presently seeing someone and seeing where it goes.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 20 (view)
 
wtf is wrong with me?
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:27:43 PM
That picture isn't helping. It's a webcam shot in a dark room, while you're wearing your WoW headset.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Still hanging out with ex
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:23:50 PM
anything outside of being cordial or having a child together, if the ex is still hanging around= run.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 66 (view)
 
What should you do if you find your boyfried created a POF profile
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:02:58 PM
Well since we are on our second recent thread about boyfriends with pof accounts...ya know...for "friends" they can't find elsewhere; I'd like to add I saw a whole new one I saw tonight.

A guy advertising for dates because his girlfriend is in another country, and hoping to find a girl as a "friend" who can eventually convince him she's the better choice-- so he can leave her for a new girl. she's too busy for him and he's bored.

takes all kinds.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
boyfriend is still on here.
Posted: 6/18/2012 1:45:10 PM
oh, please. of these were real friends he would have their contact info off this site, you would have at least an idea of who they are, and deleting his profile wouldn't be an issue-- he would do it on his own.

i can't even say the "not single/not looking" thing means anything. i had guys hit me up with that and they said "oh i'm single, i'm just not actively looking". i have a friend on here who logs in and updates his profile regularly, listed as single; and he's about to move in with his girlfriend of two years.

i'm not saying he's meeting or physically cheating. but browsing and flirting for sure.

if he's giving you such a time over deleting a profile on a dating site... cause god knows theres only about 1000 other social sites he can make "friends" on, just think about the future and how he's going to handle the real stuff. speak up for yourself. if he breaks up with you over a simple request; good riddance.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Should I just lie about this?
Posted: 6/17/2012 3:01:45 AM
^ I was thinking something along those lines.

She was weary (and many girls would be), that you never found a girl "worth it" to invest your emotions and time into a relationship; yet you somehow were able to make yourself available enough to sleep with them.
Yet, somehow; you're still "burned".

Don't lie. Just be vague. Past relationships are really no one else's business unless they resulted in a marriage, a child, or have lingering issues that would interfere with whats going on now.

There's obviously some issues there about putting yourself out on a limb for someone and truly getting to know them. My personal suggestion would be to get female friends that you have no desire to sleep with. Spend time with them as friends, break down your personal walls a bit, and truly listen to them.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Exclusivity, or too soon?
Posted: 6/16/2012 5:40:19 AM
I'm going to disagree here.

I think the most successful relationships are when both parties just "know". If you're already on the page where you are ready to concentrate on just getting to know her, and she's actively wanting to meet other guys-- this doesn't look good.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 5 (view)
 
A Slice of Gold-Digging, Anyone?
Posted: 6/16/2012 2:42:30 AM
If both parties are willing and able, whats the problem?

And of course, if a man is choosing to be a lady's ATM; he's going to want one that he finds hot-- so yes, it makes a difference. He's not forking over the goods for conversation. If he was looking for whole substance, he wouldn't be used only for his wallet in the first place.

People aren't so naive. They may give themselves excuses when they don't like certain things that go on, but they know whats up.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Sex While Dating?
Posted: 6/16/2012 2:26:28 AM
Your situation is a bit unique.

Your FWB and yourself both seem to be on the same page-- which is good. It's one less thing to worry about. Like one of you flipping out when one suddenly ends the ride for somebody else.

Since it's only been three dates and the new guy is jetting off for two months, I would keep doing what you're doing. If the new guy wasn't going to be away, I would of said end the FWB ASAP.

However, since it's summer, long distance, and I'm assuming he's around your age-- I can tell you right now the chances of the new guy being a complete nun during his hiatus are pretty freaking slim.
A single, 21 year old man left to his own devices for a few months is not going to be alone the whole time if he can help it.

Plus, two months is a long time to hold out for someone so new. There's not much to stand on to avoid outside prospects already. Neither one of you has any idea how the other is going to feel in the future. You're not even sure at this point how much you'll even hear from him.

Keep getting plowed by your FWB. Enjoy the summer. When and only if you reunite with this new dude, take it on as a fresh start. I would refrain from asking who and what he did over the summer, and avoid the topic at all costs. If he's smart; he's a realist and will be doing the same.

See how it goes when you guys get together again. That's the real starting point.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 246 (view)
 
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 6/14/2012 1:03:28 PM
Someone who hasn't married and hasn't had children shouldn't be seen as a red flag. To automatically assume there is something wrong with them; or they are selfish, commitment phobes or having over all personal issues, is a pretty outlandish judgement.

If we were going to go with that train of thought; I guess we could assume those with multiple kids and multiple marriages/baby daddys are impulsive, irrational and need someone in their life in order to feel validated. That they think of themselves as failures unless they reproduce.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Possessive or not right
Posted: 6/12/2012 1:23:52 PM
Christ. Take it down a notch.

One month of dating- really not much at all. Three months of LD phone calls everyday- Why the need to speak everyday? Was this your need or his?

Day of seeing each other after three months and he cancels because he wants to visit family. Were they from out of town? Was this some sort of family event? Was there something going on that particular day?
He doesn't owe it to you to bring you along. I'm guessing you never met his family. You've really only spent a month physically dating. Bringing you around family is a huge deal to many people.

So then you turn on the dramatics questioning your relationship because of a single day of cancellation. Then a letter pouring out your feelings.
Honestly, I think many people would have dumped you at this point. Wayyyy too heavy because of one cancellation. This guy obviously likes you to the point he was considering moving in with you. It's not like there aren't other days he can spend with you now that he's back. God, he has only been speaking to you every day for four months. How dare family take priority over you.

He still meets you and its more dramatics. Crying. Another letter. All of this started because of one freaking cancellation.

He was being silent because he was collecting his thoughts. After more of the woe is me he had enough.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:38:22 PM
Side note: you look incredible for 44. If there is some sort of miracle cream you use, secret to life, or selling your soul involved; please let me know.

To your post: I think many women (and men. All of you can put your "omg don't make it about gender. Women do this too," pitchforks down.) from all walks of life can empathize with how you're feeling. We all come across bad eggs and relationships that second guess our judgements.

As I'm sure you're aware, the more you center your relationship and feelings about if he's just going to leave you-- well, you might just drive him to it. It's like the people who constantly accuse their SO of cheating when they're not. Eventually, some think "if I'm constantly accused of something I'm not doing, I might as well do it anyway since I'm already getting punished".
When he leaves, you'll just justify the situation for proving your assumptions correct. This will only make the cycle worse.

I've had some pretty f*cked up experiences, and deep down I don't 100% trust anyone. However, I never show it nor do I take it out on anyone that I'm involved with. It's not fair. No one should have to prove themselves worthy to anyone. Everyone has a past. If he's giving you a clear playing field, you should do the same.

Internally, don't dwell on the if he leaves, if he cheats, if he lies. So what if he does? Your relationship will end, you'll feel sad about it and eventually you'll move on. Life doesn't change. You were okay before anyone came along, and you'll be okay when they leave.

Things that should be taking up space in your mind, are your personal happiness, growth and your children. If a happy relationship comes along the way, wonderful. If not, you're still fulfilled.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Not getting time alone
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:05:38 PM
In case some of you missed it-- she said he had lied in his profile about having a child.


He said he has got lot of time for me n him n originally in profile lied about having one. M now it does not apper to be so between his son work baseball it's pretty full platter if u ask me.


This to me is a red flag. I've had this happen twice.
One man I dated for a few months, and broke up with him because he was never around on the weekends. I thought he had a girlfriend or a wife since he couldn't explain is disappearing act at week's end. He finally sat down and told me he had a child and was a widower. Why he rather have me think he was a sneak than a father, I still don't understand.
The second man revealed it to me three weeks into dating he had a 7 year old half way across the country. Since she wasn't really around or really involved, he didn't think his fatherhood affected anything.

There's some reason this guy lied on his profile about having a kid. You need to find out why. My guess is he wanted to appeal to a higher percentage of women.
And from what I'm understanding; after meeting him, finding out he is a father, and you accepting it instead of dumping him for lying in the first place to show you like him-- you're having issue with your one on one time suffering because of the kid.

I can see your issue here. It's fairly obvious to everyone that his child will come first and plans are subject to change. No one is disputing that, including the OP.




we were going to the beach - suddenly ( his son was going to his mother as far as I knew ) he is comming with well last time I heard were we going to go some drinks at beach club. Well it turned into him n his son in water me left on the blanket

OP; I think this guy is majorly selfish. First he lies about his status for his own benefit, then he brings his kid to an outing that was just suppose to be for the two of you. Did he even ask you if it was ok? A considerate person would say look: "I'm sorry for the last minute change, but I have to go get my son. Would it be ok if he comes with us or would you rather reschedule for another time". Not ambush you bringing the kid into the mix and letting you hang solo on your own date.



next was his dads baseball game do it vacate me watching his son meanwhile.

Most single parents won't introduce their child to whoever they are dating after only a month. But, now this guy is using you as a babysitter (was this also on the weekend when he said the child would be with his mother?) Selfish move number 3.



Well but when they went to 6 flags I was not included I even didn't k ow about it.

He doesn't need to give you a play by play of what he's doing with his days. He has a right to alone time with his kid. Unless he cancelled a weekend date without giving an explanation; this is neither here nor there. However, I can't see why he would tell you about it afterwords.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Why with the facebook?
Posted: 6/11/2012 3:51:04 PM
^ HAHA. I love when that happens.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Feed back :)
Posted: 6/10/2012 10:38:03 PM
Are your friends in wonderful marriages with 0 problems? If not I would not take their advice.

Date how you want to date. If you like the idea of being with someone, filling the void with empty interactions is not going to help.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 102 (view)
 
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/10/2012 10:29:50 PM
^ Everyone has different relationship ideals. No one is to judge what's healthy or isn't healthy. It's their doing, not yours.

Just like the OP question. Neither she or he is wrong for wanting what they want. It's an issue of finding middle ground in what works for both parties. She understands that he is on a quicker pace than she is, but wants to understand why he's trying to pressure her about hers. Why is he taking offense and trying to manipulate the situation because he's not immediately getting what he wants.

Some see open relationships as a cop out, trying to fulfill their unmet needs with someone outside their marriage and their must be some sort of loss in the relationship. It could also be seen as, with the divorce rate being so high and affairs being realistic risk; why not be open and honest. It's not that they want to be with each other any less, but have the respect for each other enough to make sure their partner is ok with whats going on so no one gets hurt.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How people get to a first meet. Deal breaker?
Posted: 6/10/2012 8:18:45 PM
Why would they care how you get there as long as you get there?
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Worst Foods For First Dates
Posted: 6/9/2012 11:07:48 PM
who the **** cares. eat what you want. they'll see your mouth full at some point any way, if all goes well.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Date cancellation on weekend nights
Posted: 6/9/2012 5:32:25 PM
No problem. You're right. A birthday party for her mom at her grandparents house is not something who values family first forgets. She would have been helping them prepare and getting her gift together. Total horsesh*t.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Date cancellation on weekend nights
Posted: 6/9/2012 5:03:13 PM
OP, I have had it happen and felt the same way you do. A cancellation on a Friday or Saturday night always seemed fishy to me.

Don't listen to the "it should be a short 30 min coffee meet during daylight hours only" crowd. Not every person wants it that way. Some of are the drinks in the evening type. Some of us think you don't really know someone until you spent time sharing a meal. Some want to take a walk in the park. Whatever works for the two of you. And really, it comes down to her as a person not what the date was.

I have a real issue with people who are the ones to suggest a certain time and day work for them-- then they are the ones to cancel. Flaky and poor planning. On a weekend evening? Even worse.

We save our weekends-- especially at our ages-- to let our hair down and have some fun. Weekend nights are usually saved for things of importance. I've heard many times that if a person is unavailable on a weekend, that they have someone else better to see. That if your date(s) happen after work on weekdays, its equal to being placed on the back burner. True or not (and I'm not saying it is), planning something on a weekend night I believe is a sign of good faith.

Did she cancel for something or someone else? Probably.
Between past potential dates for myself and my friends-- its amazing how many work and family emergencies happen at 8pm on a Saturday night.

I would give this chick one more shot if you truly want to-- but I would grill her a bit about it. And if you reschedule, make it for the same time and day. Really watch her squirm.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Worst Foods For First Dates
Posted: 6/9/2012 4:44:43 PM
coffee. coffee breath is the worst.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Im pretty confuse and like some advice.
Posted: 6/8/2012 9:23:57 PM
haha its a jeep girl battle.

my advice would be to save the arrest stuff for after they meet you. you really don't need to include that in your rehashing of why you are single now after 6 years.

frankly, the "why are you single" question is just a conversation filler. we are all single for one reason or another, and in the end its for the reason: past relationships didn't work out.

until you meet someone, i would give them a very vague answer to their question. something like after six years it didn't work out and there is no chance of us getting back together. long story short he is dating a friend of mine and yes that is hurtful and i'm trying to move on".

but don't lie about what happened. wait until you're able to explain the story in person, only after the opportunity for your story presents itself. if they decide its a deal breaker, ok so be it. but telling such a story that needs all the details heard is much easier to convey in person after they know you a bit then giving the gist of it to a stranger online.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Humility
Posted: 6/8/2012 9:03:41 PM
I'm 100% with you OP. It's in my profile.

I cannot stand profiles and people who think they have it so great and people need to to be up to their level.

One post is right, its usually something that's learned which is unfortunate.

I think many fail to realize one's life can change in a second, and where you are today may not be where you'll be tomorrow.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Gave her a kiss on the cheek. Exited the friend zone?
Posted: 6/8/2012 7:35:02 PM
I took it as the position she was in made it kind of awkward for him to kiss her without being like an over the top reach around.

It was a kiss on the cheek. What kind of reaction was she suppose to have? To jump him and stick her tongue down his throat from the awkward stance she was already in.

"Text me when you get home" is used by me when someone drops me off or leaves my place, and I want to make sure they got home ok. If I didn't care, I would just say good bye.

Look, you can take advice from the single dating guru above; or you can take it from a girl who has been in the same position as your friend. Don't assume anything until you gave it your full fledged final shot.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 30 (view)
 
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/8/2012 6:04:52 PM
I want to start off by saying I'm very sorry about your past experience-- no one should have to go through that. Right there you should feel good about being proactive to take of yourself and having the strength to move past such a traumatic event.

There is nothing wrong with preferences of who you choose to date or who you're attracted to-- no matter where those reasons come from. However, I think part of your growth should be to expand your horizons in the race of a potential partner; it's a whole new world of possibilities (when you are ready).

I'm going to be really honest here, even though it sounds like a generalization. I have a friend who is black and also prefers to date white men. I know from her experiences, she runs into white guys more often than not who are not interested in dating black women. And if they are; it's more for the experience and the experiment than a true attraction.
Why this is, I can't say. The only reasons I can think are that they are products of their environment and/or their opinions are based on stereotypes.
On the other hand, I have come across a couple of white men who prefer black women.

Have you tried interracial dating sites? Or dating sites geared towards black dating? I know of a couple of instances where people of other races joined black dating sites because of their dating preference. It never hurts to join and search.

As for you, just from your posts; you sound a little down on yourself. Don't be! You're young, educated, ambitious, and so much stronger and resilient than you are giving yourself credit for. And a snap judgement, but you come off as a honest and nice person too. Nothing to snub your nose at.
So what if you feel you need to lose some weight. You are far from the biggest person I've seen, and really; what woman doesn't have something they want to change about their physical appearance.
There are many people out there who want to lose weight (myself included) but you are who you are today. Why should you be alone or deal with bullsh*t until tomorrow?

Keep on working on you, but for yourself and not anyone else. Don't set your bar lower out of loneliness. If you're not putting out the message that you respect yourself, no guy will either.

If you would like to talk and need a friend, please feel free to message me.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Gave her a kiss on the cheek. Exited the friend zone?
Posted: 6/8/2012 5:25:18 PM
These things can be hard to decipher since everyone moves at different paces and every situation is different. Some people feel the connection starts at a first e-mail, some feel it starts at a first meet. In turn, if some feel if there is chemistry off the bat they will go all the way, just like some will choose to get to know someone first and gradually move towards getting physical.

Neither way is wrong. It's all about finding the middle ground between your feelings and preferred paces.

From your info, I wouldn't necessarily start to dismiss her because she "friend zoned" you. There is no way to really tell that. She might just be trying to get to know you and not dive in head first-- just rolling with the punches. After all, it doesn't sound like you were jumping on her with passion either.

If I were you, I would bump it up a notch with something a little "romantic" for a fourth date. Suggest dinner and a movie at either your place or hers. A nice restaurant, a sexy lounge, or bonfire on the beach also work. If the date doesn't start at home-- try moving it there after. Nothing else can spell it out more clearly that you want to get more personal than wanting to be with her at home (not assembling her furniture).
I'm not saying you need to sleep with her or that you even should, but I think if a girl is going to reject being alone with you after four dates-- the friend zone line has been drawn.
If she gets uneasy at the thought having sex, make it clear you're just interested in getting more "intimate" (but don't use that word).

This girl obviously likes you enough to go on three dates. And she is comfortable with you enough to ask for a favor to be done in her home.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Guys' pics with women in them
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:39:02 PM
@Thread: beecause its only one, and she's not posing wearing two band aids and a cork.

I have guys and girls in my pics, because I'm not one to take many pictures and that's what I have. And the guys in my pics are gay- which is usually clear to most people and a clarified it in one of my captions. I wouldn't dare post something with an ex or something that could be misconstrued.

As for your question: yes it's a huge turn off most of the time. One pic with nothing crazy going on- no problem. Every picture, with chicks posing on either side, scantily clad or ones with a girl kissing you- forget it. I don't care how attractive and whatever else the guy is; I'm on to the next profile. Same thing goes for shirtless and every other picture is out clubbing with your broskis.

If those girls are all "friends" why would I bother? It would seem you have your female companionship covered, and I don't need to be competing for your attention.
 nycblonde728
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 42 (view)
 
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 1:20:27 PM
If the guy is making such a big deal about how quickly you need to boink him- you pretty much got your answer how highly he thinks of you. Don't be afraid to call them out on it.

I have had relationships stem from sex on the first date. It was just an unexplainable click and knowing. I think when we hold back there's a reason for it. Your instinct doesn't sway incorrectly.

I met someone recently who I was attracted to but a little put off by how he only talked about himself. After meeting for lunch he basically invited himself over in two days. He "knew what he wanted, and wasn't one to waste time". I told him we could go out again, but I wanted to stick to our original second date plan (the beach). I wanted to spend more than 90 mins together before going to that level.
Lo and behold, the communication ceased to almost nothing aside from busy excuses.

Another time, a guy wanted to meet and "cuddle" for our second meet-- at a motel. After saying no and laughing at his ridiculous ploy; he was a ghost too.


I think if our instincts and hearts just went for it, with the risk- that tells us something. If our minds tell us to slow down, there's a reason for that too.
 
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