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cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 42 (view)

Grief Posted: 5/3/2006 10:06:01 AM
One thing I'm learning since losing my brother suddenly is that there are many kinds of grief, and it affects us in different ways. When my Nan, my Grandfather and favorite Uncle died, yes it hurt but they were each suffering from long-term diseases so their passing was a blessing. It was easy to pick up and move on compared to what I'm going through now. My brother died very suddenly from a brain aneurism. He was outside feeding the horses with his two oldest sons when he dropped dead. For the first month or so I spent all my time trying to be strong for everyone else, then a few weeks ago my world crashed and the full force of the grief hit me. The worst part of it it all is that I'm going through this pretty much alone. I keep asking myself why him? He was a wonderful man, a fantastic father, and the kind of husband that we dream about. He had so much and he was so loved, why? Why didn't the Creator take me instead, after all I'm alone, no husband no children to grieve about me. Why hurt all these others when me leaving would have been a blip on the ole screen? It just doesn't make sense. The one thing I do know is that it hurt, I lost my best friend, my confidant, the only one in the family who truely made me feel like I belonged. I tried to turn to my family and my mother pretty much told me to shut up. My father is so wrapped up in his own grief he pushes me away. My sister keeps reminding me that I've never been a sister to her and that she wishes I'd died instead of my brother because I never support her. So I'm in the process of setting up a separate support system to help me get through this.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

Never married & over 40 Posted: 4/3/2006 3:49:46 PM
I wish I knew the answers to those questions. Personally I see it more as a positive than an negative, I also don't make assumptions about a person's sexuality based on whether or not they have married. As I said before I wish I had been strong enough not to cave into societal pressure to be married by the time I was 30, if I hadn't I probably wouldn't have been divorced by now because I did marry for all the wrong reasons.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

what do u think Posted: 4/1/2006 4:01:56 PM
Although on the flip side of the coin if the guy treats his mother and family better than he'll ever treat you it's time to run the other way. I met a guy a few years back who did pretty much anything for his mother, me on the other hand it was like pulling eye teeth to get him to do anything for me, I pretty much had to beg. So needless to say he was a mama's boy and the relationship went down the toilet.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 38 (view)

blueprint for unhappy marriage/relationship Posted: 3/24/2006 4:05:37 AM
When I got married, I married for many of the reason's you stated here. Add to that, my husband proposed the day my Grandfather died and I was so needy at that moment that I probably would have married satan himself if it meant that I would have someone to lean on. I've always been the type of person that a promise made is a promise kept and it became my down fall. On my wedding day I can remember wishing that I could climb out the window in the bathroom and escape, but again a promise made is a promise kept so I went through with it. On his side he also married me for all the wrong reasons. He thought he was marrying into a rich family where my father would always provide for us. He also married for prestige, and power. When that didn't manifest, it began years of abuse from not only him, but many of his siblings and some of his other relatives. I became an object of ridicule and the only thing that kept me in the marriage was my sense of comitment. I finally walked when I began to fear for my life. I'm finally over my fear of marriage and when I marry again it will be to someone who mirrors my ethics and knows what a healthy relationship is. Someone who will love me for me, and vice versa. I also know that relationships take work, there are times that you have to chose to love another when things get hard and communication is the one way that you can avoid many of the pitfalls that my first marriage fell into.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

The Posted: 3/21/2006 2:13:15 PM
Pretty much every single time I talk to my family. My dad told me once, "My girl you better accept the fact that you're just not the kinda woman men want, so get used to being single". Honestly I'm really starting to wonder if Dad was right. sigh

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Getting touch with old loves Posted: 3/21/2006 6:40:36 AM
A couple of years ago I lived with this guy. I thought we had a strong relationship, but I came home from a business trip and found the house cleaned out, he even took my Dog. To this day I have no idea why he left, and I thought that it wasn't important. I should explain that when we met I was extremely vulnerable, I ended up burning out and couldn't work for a year, which meant that he was in total control for that first year. I noticed though during the second year, as I got better the more withdrawn he was and by the time I returned to Canada and he joined me here, our relationship was pretty much just going through the motions. Last week, my brother passed away suddenly from an aneurism and I started thinking of this guy. The two of them were very close and I didn't want him to find out in an e-mail, or from one of his chat buddies so last night I managed to track him down and called him with the news. He's back in the U.S. and I'm still here in Canada and due to decisions I have made I have no intention of moving back to the U.S. so there's no danger in me going back. Besides being really weird talking to him after all this time, I started thinking about our relationship and how nice it would be to feel his arms around me again. I also know I'm really vulnerable right now and I'd probably enjoy being hugged by ET if it meant that I didn't have to deal with this pain by myself. But I also realized that I don't know if I've really put closure to this relationship. Not that I really could considering I don't even know why he left, but now I'm wondering if it would even be a good idea to open those old wounds, or maybe cause new ones. But I'm also thinking that perhaps like so many times before finding out why the relationship ended could help me avoid those same pitfalls in the future. Yet I also keep thinking that perhaps it wasn't me at all, that he just couldn't handle a woman like me. All I do know is that since last night I've been feeling very lonely and confused. I'm tired of being alone and having to deal with this pain by myself. It would be nice to have someone to lean on through this, but at the same time, the last time I also know that it's a dangerous time for me. Heck I dunno what I want.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

POFers Regina meet Posted: 3/20/2006 6:09:41 PM
Now watch, only three of us four will show up because there won't be any semi parking for Road Hammer

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

POFers Regina meet Posted: 3/19/2006 8:23:57 PM
Sure what the heck.....

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 122 (view)

what kind of relationship are you looking for now that you have the opportunity to start a new one? Posted: 3/18/2006 3:15:35 PM
Hmmmmm what kind of relationship am I looking for? Dang you don't pose easy questions do you fran? I guess what I'm looking is a relationship like the one my late brother and sister in law had. A relationship where they could each be themselves and they worked together to make things work. That's not to say it was perfect, goodness knows they had their spats, but neither gave up on the other nor did they give up on their marriage. They were both equally committed to making their relationship work and in the process they each had their own separate dreams and goals that they worked together to achieve. They supported each other through thick and thin, yet they were both individuals. I'm hoping that lightening can strike twice because I'm holding out for that.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Dating Someone With A High IQ Posted: 3/18/2006 2:08:52 PM
I'm someone with an above average IQ. As many of others have said, IQ has little to do with the type of person someone is. I have a cousin who is extremely intelligent when it comes to books, but as dumb as a bag of hammers when it comes to people. He has next to zero when it comes to social skills, and no compassion what so ever. As for dating someone with a high IQ, I've found that my best relationships have been with people who could keep up to me intellectually, but to be with a pure brainiac is boring.....I need someone who knows how to live life, and enjoy everything that this world has to offer, the courage to take what he knows to make this a better world and isn't afraid to get his hands dirty doing it. The latter isn't dependent on IQ.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Do you ever wonder? Posted: 3/11/2006 7:37:21 AM
It's not so much that I stop making love happen, because I know trying to make someone love you will only drive you nuts in the end and "it ain't gonna happen". I guess my question is also can I let my guard down enough to even fall in love with another person. Oh god and bitter and jaded is the last thing I want to become there's enough examples of these kind of people in the world.....we don't need anymore.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Do you Visualize your Search? Posted: 3/11/2006 7:34:56 AM
I guess in a way I've visualized my search. I know what I want in a relationship, I may not know who but I definately know the type of relationship I want and more importantly need. This is my ultimate goal, and I won't settle for less. Alas however, I'm starting to think that rather than a visualization it's just a fantasy and that person doesn't exist. At least in my general vacinity. Oh well, the search continues.......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Do you ever wonder? Posted: 3/11/2006 7:27:34 AM
This probably isn't an absolutely new thread, but lately I've been wondering in light of how I have been handling breakups for the past few years if I've been burned so badly in the past I just can't trust anymore. I've noticed (and this isn't going to sound very good) that I put them through tests to gauge their reactions and attitudes and it's not conscious. If they blow the "test" well I just hold back on my feelings and I get very clinical. It's like I can't come out from behind that wall that protects my heart. On one hand I think that maybe it's an example of how I've become more discerning about who I date, and who I open myself up to. Which in light of the recent past isn't a bad thing. What makes me feel bad is that I've just realized that I am testing men and I wonder if it's fair to them. I also wonder if this ability to detach from another person and situation in itself is healthy or if it's a sign of a deeper issue that I need to deal with. When I noticed this is with the last guy I was seeing. I noticed that with every thing he said or did that bothered me, I'd pull back. I'd put a little distance between us emotionally until finally the distance was so great that I just walked away. I also realized that this isn't the first time I've done this either. I guess my other question is how many other people do this and is this normal?

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

Do you make wrong judgements because of prior experiences? Posted: 3/11/2006 7:09:00 AM
I have dealt with most of the issues caused by my past relationships, and I past I'm meaning ancient history. The past is past and I don't paint all men with the same brush. However having said that the more recent relationships have made me wary of men. So I'm taking longer to get to know men, get a good grip on what they are intending and I'm not so quick to trust.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 7 (view)

What to do when the love of U'r life wants to get his life together? Posted: 3/10/2006 3:53:00 PM
My advice, let him go. What would you rather have? Being with someone who's always wondering "what if" or "if only" or someone who has explored his options and has decided that yes this is what he wants? Been there done that, ended up single again, but at least I'm not playing any guessing games.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Self absorbed women.. Posted: 3/10/2006 9:36:28 AM
I had a conversation like this a few months ago with someone I was seeing. I'm the type of person, I don't like to pry and prefer to leave it up to the person I'm with what he does or doesn't want to share. At least in the early stages of the relationship. It's not that I'm self-absorbed, but I feel like I'm grilling someone when I ask too many questions. As well, I also know that sometimes people don't want to talk about what they're going through, so when I know something is bothering them I ask once, then let it drop. The way I look at it, I'm opening the door and inviting further input. If it doesn't come, well I figure either he doesn't feel comfortable discussing it with me, or he's not ready to talk it over yet. I don't need to be in someone else's head 24/7.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

How good are you in relationship to yourself? Posted: 3/10/2006 4:28:16 AM
Rouxx, One of the other things I'd do for myself when I first started healing was, on my good days I'd write myself letters to remind myself about the things I loved about me. The things I didn't want to change and I'd mail them back to me. It never failed when I was down one of those silly letters would arrive and help to remind me that I was worthy of love and I was a pretty unique person. It was pretty funny one day my mother picked up the mail and one of these letters arrived. Curiousity got the better of her and she opened it and started reading it. I get this call at the office and my mom is all excited. "A, you didn't tell me you were seeing anyone!!!! You have got to hear this letter you got, this guy loves you really loves you....." I let her maintain her little fantasy, then when I got home I told her who the author of the letter was.......at that point I convinced my mom that I was absolutely crazy.....but hey the letter was for me anyway.....G

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 29 (view)

How good are you in relationship to yourself? Posted: 3/9/2006 7:45:23 PM
The latest I love me thing I did was buy myself a new turquoise pendent and earrings. One of the greatest epiphanies I had was back in 2000. My last long-term relationship had crashed and it was valentines day. I was talking to some friends of mine and they were bragging about what their boyfriends/S.O.'s had bought them, what they were going to do and I started feeling sorry for myself. Between thinking 'poor me, no one ever did those things for me' and 'no one loves me' another thought popped into my head....'Hey moron, when was the last time you did anything like that for yourself.....if you don't think you're worth those things, then why are you expecting anyone else to think you're worth it?' That moment changed my life.....so now I look after me, and I do "I love Me" things all the time. Besides it's fun, drive your co-workers nuts by having flowers delivered to the office along with a mushy love note about how wonderful you are.......I'm evil......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

OK, ladies. How many of you actually read profiles here? Or is it all based on the picture? Posted: 3/9/2006 7:29:45 PM
I always read the profile first.......the pic really doesn't mean too much.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

high vs. low Maintence Posted: 3/8/2006 7:33:13 PM
there's a difference, I'm assuming that you paid for those yourself. These guys wanted me to buy the champagne cause there's no way they could afford it......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

The consistant thing in all your failed relationships is you... Posted: 3/8/2006 6:32:42 PM
In the past due to self-esteem issues I was always willing to settle for men I thought I could get instead of waiting for what I deserve. As a result I ended up in abusive relationships which only further damaged my self esteem. 5 years ago I went into therapy to deal with the past hurts which contributed to my low self-esteem issues and today I'm happy to say that while my self-esteem is still vulnerable at times, as someone else has said, my tolerance for putting up with crap has dropped in direct correlation. So while I may be single, I don't mind because I enjoy my own company and I know that one of these days the right one will come along.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

The consistant thing in all your failed relationships is you... Posted: 3/8/2006 6:31:42 PM
In the past due to self-esteem issues I was always willing to settle for men I thought I could get instead of waiting for what I deserve. As a result I ended up in abusive relationships which only further damaged my self esteem. 5 years ago I went into therapy to deal with the past hurts which contributed to my low self-esteem issues and today I'm happy to say that while my self-esteem is still vulnerable at times, as someone else has said, my tolerance for putting up with crap has dropped in direct correlation. So while I may be single, I don't mind because I enjoy my own company and I know that one of these days the right one will come along.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 26 (view)

what is wrong with me? Posted: 3/8/2006 1:47:18 PM
I was trying to remember who said the brain and penis line.....thanks for clearing that up for me.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

high vs. low Maintence Posted: 3/8/2006 1:41:53 PM
Just to be fair here, I have had a couple high maintence men in my life. Both had extremely fragile ego's that had to be constantly stroked, were extremely needy emotionally, and to quote my father, had champagne tastes on tap water budgets. Unfortunately at the time I was very needy myself so I was willing to settle for these guys. On the upside, I've finally got it together and there's no way I'll go back to high maintence. Give me nice and normal anyday.....kind of the mid range.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

Seeing your ex with someone new Posted: 3/6/2006 3:06:37 PM
Honestly, it really tore me up. After all this was the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I had no idea what to do.................do I run up to her and tell her to run as far away as she could as fast as she could, or run up to her and give her the biggest hug for taking this loser off my hands......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

The straw that broke the Camel's back. Posted: 3/6/2006 3:02:46 PM
Hmmmmm the last straw, with the last relationship it was the fact that I had to be the breadwinner in the family. Plus there was a whole lot of other baggage to deal with. I decided enough was enough, after all I don't look to a man to support me, why should I have to support a man?

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

bad relationships Posted: 3/5/2006 11:07:35 AM
Thanks, just another of my sunday afternoon intellectual flattulations......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

bad relationships Posted: 3/5/2006 10:58:05 AM
Blueeyed, I disagree with your definition of baggage. IMHO baggage is unresolved issues that we have in our lives, while yes they're are acquired in our life experiences there is no need to be dragging it from relationship to relationship. Many times it is this baggage that inhibits our ability to form close bonds hence are harmful to a relationship. I'm not saying that I do not have baggage, but I have dealt with the majority of my issues and have that baggage down to a small carry-on. Is it really fair to ask another person to have to deal with the unresolved issues that we have from previous relationships? Personally I have worked long and hard on myself so that I can be healthy and can form healthy relationships I don't think it's too much to ask another to do the same. As for the drama, I don't believe that drama has to come with a relationship either. Yes I agree that relationships take work, but this can be done in a constructive way that doesn't involve dramatics and huge fights to resolve. When you have two healthy people involved in a relationship, you can avoid the drama and resolve conflicts in a constructive instead of destructive way.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

how many here are after 45 and without children Posted: 3/5/2006 9:24:41 AM
I can understand your concerns....I'm 44 and still have never had children, while it is not by choice, there are times when I do regret not having a child of my own. But, having said that, looking back on my life I think there may have been a purpose for my infertility. If I had children of my own I would have focused totally on them and poured all my love and energy into them. This way through my work, I impact the lives of many people including children. I also have nieces and nephews that need me because I can give them the special attention that their parents are often to busy to give them. On the other side of the coin, at my age I'm so set in my ways, I have to face the fact that there isn't room in my life for a full time child. I can't see my child growing up with nothing but adults, and spending all their time watching Mommy work instead of enjoying a normal childhood. As well, since the likelyhood of me being a single parent is very high, I just couldn't do that to a child. So in hindsight, it's good that I'm childless.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

bad relationships Posted: 3/5/2006 8:52:32 AM
Fran, I agree whole heartedly. I have spent years healing from past bad relationships. To deal with my own unhealthy behaviors that drew me into unhealthy relationships. Today, I do not and will not get involved with someone who is unhealthy. To me that's settling for second best. By unhealthy I mean someone who isn't working to address those unhealthy behaviors.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 79 (view)

Are posts a true reflection of the person? Posted: 3/5/2006 6:47:24 AM
I disagree. The way I look at it, if anything there is a less of a reason to act online than there is offline. Online there are no pressures, as the trolls prove if you tick someone off on here there's no danger of getting a drink thrown at your or whatever. While yes, there are some who are wearing a mask, you really can't say that across the board. I think in the forums, we see the true opinions because for many this isn't real there really is no reason to hide.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Are posts a true reflection of the person? Posted: 3/4/2006 7:50:09 PM
I know that my personality really comes through in my posts. The things I say in my postings are pretty much the same thing I'd tell a person face to face. I'd like to think that the same thing can said about 85% of the people here. I know there are trolls lurking around, but they seem to be the minimum and you can pick them out pretty quickly.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

I am feeling hopeless about meeting anyone Posted: 3/4/2006 4:20:58 PM
LOL, hey girlfriend, hang in there. I live in Saskatchewan Canada and trying to find a decent guy that a) hasn't been totally jaded by women, b) is afraid of commitment or c) as a direct result of both a & b is only interested in a "Friends with Benefits" is darn nearly next to impossible here. So I'm actually thinking of moving to another fishing hole. However, even though I haven't had much luck over the year that I've been checking out computer dating, I'm not giving up. There's got to be some good guys out there somewhere. Having said that, there are some nights when I just feel like packing the whole attempt at dating again. Then I remember the good things about being single like you've already noted and it's not all that bad. One of these days the right guy will come along, I hope and if not well there's the fringe benefits......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Okay I think I need help Posted: 3/4/2006 3:09:00 PM
and that's exactly what the vast majority of people say when they meet me......I think it has something to do with the fact that I've never really grown up.....

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Okay I think I need help Posted: 3/4/2006 10:45:08 AM
Well I changed my profile in an effort to capture the essence of the real me. I figured I'd better be upfront about my personality when my last date asked me if by chance I was diagnosed as hyper-active as a kid. So tell me what you think......

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 32 (view)

He doesn't want a relationship!? Posted: 3/3/2006 7:40:59 PM
Unfortunately guys like this are becoming very common, at least in my experience. My advice? Like so many others here, get rid of him. You want and deserve better than he's willing to give. Been there, done that dumped their butts and I'm holding out for someone who's real and can use his brain.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 12 (view)

Relationship Sabatoge Posted: 3/3/2006 11:01:22 AM
After reading some of the responses and really thinking about them, I've been going over the last few relationships in my head. Simply because it's been the past few that I have sabatoged and although initially the sabatoge was unconscious, it really was for the best. I've realized one thing, I hate to hurt other people so much that I would rather be the dumpee rather than the dumper. So the past few times I have pushed all the right buttons to get them to do that. I think part of it is due to what bandito said, and part of what bucsgirl said also. I know I have trust issues where men are concerned, and I am upfront about it with the person I'm seeing. However, I also know the kind of relationship I want, the last few guys I've gone out with were more interested in a "friends with benefits" type of relationship while I'm looking for something solid to build on. I've also come to the conclusion that the majority of men in my age bracket have been so jaded by their past experiences they can't open themselves up to anything but a "Friends with benefits" type of relationship. Either that or it's like something someone said, "The problem with men is that they were given a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to operate one at a time". Who knows? The only thing I know for sure is that I know what I want and I'm not settling for less than I deserve......been there done that which is probably a big reason why I have trust issues where men are concerned.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Relationship Sabatoge Posted: 3/2/2006 6:33:35 AM
I've been thinking again......I also realized something about myself and I really don't like it. But I've noticed a pattern in the last couple of years with my dating life. I sabatoge relationships. I'm not sure why and I'm not looking for answers why, in fact I think I know why. Part of it is my upbringing, as some of you know it was abusive. Part of it is my dating history, (man we won't even go there). Part of it is also my interferring family who to this day continues to undermine my self-esteem which once again pushes me to sabatoge relationships. I think part of it is that I don't want to subject someone else to my families craziness. One bright note, I've always said that realizing what the problem is half the battle. The other is having the courage to do something about it. Now what to do about it? I know the first thing is deal with it on my healing journey use the tools I have to begin addressing the problem once again. On another bright note, I've also realized that although it is hard to find someone in this day and age, well not all men are jerks, and the reality is that perhaps the problem is me and not necessarily them. It's also made me realize that perhaps I'm not as far along on my healing journey as I thought. I was wondering though, how many other people find themselves sabatoging their relationships?

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 4 (view)

What is a Healthy Relationship? Posted: 2/27/2006 6:39:38 AM
Exactly, we're all individuals and we're all shaped by our experiences.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

What is a Healthy Relationship? Posted: 2/27/2006 6:15:25 AM
For those of us who have been around the block a few times often we wonder if we know how to have a healthy relationship. I know I do from time to time, or wonder if there's such a thing. It seems that today so many of us are walking wounded; usually wounded by the last or few last relationships that we have had. Now I look at myself and my experience and it hasn't been all skittles and beer, I've had a rough go of it when it comes to matters of the heart, but I still like to think that I know what a healthy relationship is. One thing is for sure it's not what my grandparents or parents had, and it certainly isn't my past relationships. If anything I've learned from my past mistakes and I also know what went wrong in those relationships so I take these lessons and apply them to the here and now. First of all a healthy relationship is based on healthy communication. What I mean by that is communication is more than talking. It is a open sharing of ideas, expectations, and communication about the relationship. I've found that when there is an open line of communication there is less of a chance of misunderstandings. It also allows us to head off problems before they become huge ones. As well, through communication we learn to understand the other person's view of the world, and it's the only way I know of figuring out if we're going to mesh or not. Second a healthy relationship is built on respect. Understand that this other person is exactly that, a person with feelings, emotions and everything that goes with it. I've noticed that we tend to throw the term respect around alot, but how many truely know what it means? I know to me I respect the fact that whomever I'm involved with has his own life, his own obligations, and he's entitled to that. I respect his right to have his own space, his own thoughts and his own beliefs. There are many things that I do out of respect including letting him know where I'm going to be, not because I have to, but because I want to. More importantly I've also learned that I don't need to be in another person's head all the time. I don't need to know every little thought, and if something's bothering him I figure what the heck, if he wants me to know he'll tell me so I ask once and leave it be until he's ready to share. Most of all a healthy relationship takes patience. It's not going to happen over night, we all need time to nurture a relationship, especially when we've been burned so many times. It takes time to build the communication, earn the respect and most of all earn the respect. In our instant gratification world, we tend to expect these things right off the bat and if it's not there we feel rejected. Most of all I've learned that a healthy relationship is built on courage. It takes courage to reach out to another person, to let them into our life. To let them close enough to see the real person, and take the chance that I may get hurt again. But If I never give another person the opportunity to see the real me, I may end up spending the rest of my life alone. Just another intellectual flattulation from Moi.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 68 (view)

For those of us who've become cynical and skeptical .......................... Posted: 2/27/2006 5:22:49 AM
OP I know that over the years I have become cynical and skeptical about love in general regardless of where you meet the person. I think it's a symptom of our throwaway society, we have forgotten the basic ideas of respect and in many cases honesty. I'd like to think that there's someone out there for me and that perhaps someday there will be a LTR in my future. People keep telling me to be patient, that he is out there but honestly I'm losing hope. It seems that every man that I meet who is someone I do want to explore something with has been so screwed up by the previous person they were with that they are as gun shy as I am. In the online dating world, it's even easier to play the head games, and play around than before. We forget that there is a real person on the other side of this computer screen. Add to that the fact that this type of communication opens up a whole world of possibilities, and there's no way to keep the players and otherwise nasty people out. I don't know. Am I cynical about love? I'd like to think that I've become cautious, but I still hope that there is someone out there who still believes as I do in honesty, integrity, and still has the courage to reach out and perhaps explore the possibility of long-term.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

Do you still believe in marriage? Posted: 2/25/2006 12:21:05 PM
Well even though the marriage didn't work out I still believe in it. I would like to think that someday someone will come into my life that I can spend the rest of it with. Now would I get married again? Depends, I'm a little older, and a whole lot wiser. When I got married it was because I thought that's what I had to do. I freely admit that I got married for all the wrong reasons and even after it went sour I tried my darndest to make it work. Now would I get married again? If I found the right man I would. As I said I'm a whole lot wiser and I know what it takes to be in a long-term committed relationship, but as I said it would have to be with the right man.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 56 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/20/2006 10:31:12 PM
Rich, Well, the dating thing, well that's over as is the friends thing. I just can't change nor do I want to change who I am......Thank goodness it ended when it did.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 55 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/20/2006 10:29:43 PM
First Nations in Canada..........Native American in the U.S. Politically correct yanno.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 52 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/19/2006 4:13:19 PM
Double, The reality is that I have no expectations of him to participate in my cultural activities if he doesn't want to. While it would be nice if he would, if he's going to be a jacka$$ during or give me grief about it afterwards I'd rather he stayed away. The reality is that he's not studying my culture, he took the course because he thought it was an easy credit. In his words "Indigenous Studies? Easy class, I know Indians I was married to one for 16 years and my kids are Indians it will be a walk in the park." Well he got his eyes opened and didn't do that great in my class. He has no intention of taking any further classes in my area which is why I agreed to date him after the end of the semester. You know conflict of interest and all that. I've been encouraging him (as is his another close friend who is also Indian) to join the Italian club, get his kids involved in the language and dance. After all they are just as much Italian as they are Indian and they should know that side of their culture too. Heck if he got involved I'd be right there with him as I'm facinated by learning about other cultures, I've even gotten some Italian tapes so that I can learn. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that it's not going to work. My culture is an important part of who I am and if I want to feel like I'm a second class citizen, I live in small town Saskatchewan, I'll go hang out at the coffee shop.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/19/2006 2:58:13 PM
lemme clarify what I meant.......I have two definitions of Christians....there's those as described in my post (A la Jimmy Swaggart types), and then there's christians. The latter are those who believe as I do, to each their own. They are willing to accept my path as mind, just as I'm willing to accept theirs as theirs. I'm willing to give anyone a chance and listen, but the moment the ole fire and brimstone comes out I'm outta there.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/19/2006 10:10:47 AM
If he was a Christian we wouldn't have even made it to a second date. I'm sorry and no disrespect to Christians, but in my experience the moment they find out that I follow the traditional ways of my people I'm constantly bombarded with notions of "Unless I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior I'm going to hell....." They just don't understand that in my path I have no concept of hell, and while I respect their path, I wish they'd reciprocate and accept that different doesn't mean wrong. I've had too many really bad experiences with Christians to even compromise on that point.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 37 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/19/2006 8:47:53 AM
Actually that thought occured to me as well. We've talked about it, and that's not it. It's not like I'm expecting him to join me or anything. In my beleif spirituality is something that is extremely personal, I have no right to force his on me, and vice versa.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/19/2006 8:19:03 AM
Rich, To answer your questions, first in no way do I hide my ethinicity. As a matter of fact when I met this guy he was a student in my Indigenous Studies class and I teach at a First Nations University. So hey it's impossible to miss the fact that I'm First Nation. Besides that I'm proud of who and what I am. Now as for how it affects me in daily life. Well, to some degree it affects everything I do. For example, we're taught to be modest in our dress, so I do wear long skirts, tops that aren't revealing (while I don't wear tops buttoned to the top, I don't wear tops cut so low that my assets will fall out either). It also affects how I say things, respect is utmost in our belief system and I tend to be generous, outgoing and friendly. I'm proud to wear jewelry that reflects my heritage, and I wear my hair long. As for the other aspects of my heritage, Yes I attend pow-wow on occasion, and I go to ceremonies on occasion, the latter two are no biggies if he doesn't want to attend, but if he came once or twice I think it would give him greater insight into who I am as a person. After all if the tables were turned and there were some big Italian thing I'd be more than happy to attend because to me it is an opportunity to learn and experience something different. I know part of this comes from the fact that when he was married he was pretty much forced to immerse himself in our culture and leave his own behind. Something that isn't fair to anyone IMHO and not something I'd do to someone else because in the past I've had to do that. I've discussed this with him and encouraged him to get involved with people from his own culture and learn celebrate what it is because it is part of who he is. Unfortunately his group is in the extreme minority where we live but that's not my fault. Where he takes extreme exception is when we're with other Indian people. Invariably no matter who we're with, if there's other Indians in the crowd eventually talk will turn to things in our world. He's accused me of being ghettoized, that I'm incapable of talking about anything else. I know that there is alot more happening here, and as far as I'm concerned it's his problem not mine. But, when I find myself cringing when anything about my own culture comes up I start to wonder should I be in this relationship? Major red flags go up and there is no way I can ignore them. So long term relationship with this guy possible, highly unlikely. Now comes another kettle of worms. How to dump him without being accused of dumping him just because he's a white guy.

cante_skuya

Joined: 1/29/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

How Important is Ethnicity? Posted: 2/18/2006 11:24:39 PM
Rich, The thing that has me worried, is that he is so seems to be against anything that is part of my culture. Mind you from time to time he does make some small concessions. On one hand I can understand his attitude. His ex-wife is First Nation and she pretty much forced him to give up his own identity so part of this is backlash. On the other hand I wouldn't expect him to do this, but I wouldn't mind if he would participate in a few things without being hyper critical, or without being afraid of what he'd say about some of my friends. I've always been of a mind that a relationship is sharing. If I'm dating someone from another culture, learning about that culture is half the fun, but like another poster said there should be sharing on both parts. I'd like to say that this is the first time I've encountered this problem, but unfortunately it isn't and I doubt it's going to be the last time either.

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