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lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Advice on profile requested, please? Posted: 11/20/2008 11:52:26 AM
You were not too harsh, Raever. Thank you for taking the time for the review. I have made some changes. The pictures are harder because I am rather camera shy, but I will see what I can do. Thanks again to all. ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Advice on profile requested, please? Posted: 11/18/2008 11:23:51 PM
Thank you for your opinion, elis run... I guess the profile is a bit long. I AM a writer and am not afraid of communicating. However, I suppose giving too much info could be worse than not enough? Does anyone else have an opinion????

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Advice on profile requested, please? Posted: 11/18/2008 10:46:02 PM
I know that probably more pics are needed. But other than that, what do you think ? I would appreciate any input... I tried to submit this with just the above and the "you did not say enough" police said I have to say more. I said a good bit in my profile (I think--PLEASE judge!!!) I do go in and change it from time to time since I am a writer and I get bored with the same words over and over myself. Can anyone ????? ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Weed Addiction Posted: 8/19/2008 12:37:39 AM
I really like that "Not the MAMA" statement Just say NO! And stick to it!!!

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Did I get what I deserved Posted: 8/19/2008 12:25:49 AM
I didn't read all of the posts....sorry... I was too bogged down by the header. Vonnie, without reading anything, I need to just say that you should NEVER ask that question ever again in your life. You need to look at the positive side of life. When you do, you will get the good things in life...and that, my friend, is what you deserve. Whoever he is--this PAST boyfriend of yours--if you are unhappy at this moment, he did not deserve you! A good boyfriend will not leave you guessing--you will know you are loved and will be happy without having to ask. Look for the best...and know that you will find him!!!

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 56 (view)

How do you let go of a poisonous relationship? Posted: 8/17/2008 5:52:26 PM
Thank you, everyone, for your insights and opinions. I have let go...of both the man and that particular dream. I know now that it was never meant to work out and that it was a learning experience for me. He and I never really had a "close" relationship because of distance and because of a physical handicap of his. There is, I know, a good side to him. But there is also a very, angry hurt side to him, as well, making it difficult for him to trust and causing him to accuse and lash out all the time. It doesn't matter any more, now, though. With all your caring comments and with my own knowledge of the situation, I know I will never go back to try again with him no matter what he does or says--although I wish him well. My profile, which has been hidden for months, is now no longer hidden. I don't know that I am completely ready to move on, but I know I can't stay where I was. Thanks again to all of you... ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

How do you let go of a poisonous relationship? Posted: 8/16/2008 6:05:52 AM
You know...this is really funny in a way. I have a BS in psychology. I hear your responses here...and I agree wholeheartedly with them. I know that what I am hearing is true--I should just walk away and be glad that I am out of it. And that is, of course, what I will do... BUT what I feel inside is something hard and cold that slashes at me, telling me that maybe I did not try hard enough to make it work. I know that is the poison that I am trying to evade that is slashing at me... I also know that if I can move on...not look back...that I will have learned something valuable. Let's just hope that he does not try to contact me again....

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

How do you let go of a poisonous relationship? Posted: 8/16/2008 5:37:31 AM
Thank you...all of you, for your responses thus far... I know I should know better...and yes, I feel somewhat masochistic for putting myself through what I have with him...but I wanted what I thought I could see for the both of us. He has lashed out at me over and over again...and I just don't think that I can take any more of the anger that we bring out in each other. I know that I have to move on, but it is hard...my heart has been crushed yet again. How do you excise the poison? I want to find someone who is right for me...

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

How do you let go of a poisonous relationship? Posted: 8/16/2008 5:00:53 AM
I have known this guy for more than a year now. We have tried, over and over again, to make it work between the two of us. But every time we try, it fails. I am beginning to believe that, in some instances, no matter how hard you try, things are just not going to work out between some couples... My question is this: When you discover that you are attracted to someone on many levels--and yet, for some reason, it just will not work out, how do you let go of the dream?

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 267 (view)

Is It Cheating If Its Only Online???? Posted: 8/9/2008 10:04:09 PM
I have heard this on-line line before... "My wife is asleep in the next room and I am horn y..." Talk about a conversation stopper! It wouldn't matter to me if it was "only" a live-in g/f...a commitment to another person is a commitment. On-line sexual gratification can be had--for some of us, anyway. Nothing wrong with sex at all. But, IMHO, there is something very wrong with cheating on your significant other. I don't even care if the significant other is okay with it because that just signifies some real problems I would never want to get close to...and sex, virtual or otherwise, is getting pretty darn close. So is it cheating if it's only on-line? Oh, yeah!

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Does He Like Me and Want A Relationship? Posted: 8/9/2008 9:47:40 PM
OP. I read all the other comments and recommendations given to you thus far and have to say that I agree with most of them. Men tend to tell you exactly what you need to know about them. You only have to listen. Even when they don't say the words out loud, they tell you. You know the old "Actions speak louder than words" thing. From the information you have provided about him, I would say that this man has issues that he is unable to share with you for one reason or another. Since he cannot do so, you will not be able to have a real relationship with him. I say this simply because you have been very clear, with him and with us, about what you want...a relationship that moves forward and includes all the things you dream of with a life partner. It appears that he is only able to handle a semi-relationship with you...it sounds like he knows this and it does make him sad. The only thing I think you can do here, as others have said, is to back away from him and find out if he is capable of moving forward to catch up with you. As hard as it may be for you to do, you have to do this because you need more than he is giving you. You know that...and very likely, so does he. My heart goes out to you... Take care of yourself--go out and find your Prince Charming. You deserve that prince--and he definitely deserves you!! ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

What sign goes good with an aries? Posted: 8/9/2008 12:49:22 AM
What sign goes good with an Aries? As an Aries myself, but not a student of astrology, I can only answer based on my own experiences... I know that I am supposed to get along with Leo, Aquarius, Sagittarius, Gemini, and other Aries. From personal experience, I have found that when I have gone outside of these, I have encountered problems. I have dated Cancer, Capricorn, Scorpio, Taurus, and Virgo just to see (Aries don't like to be told what works for them...they prefer to discover things for themselves...lol). And my conclusion is this: Those that believed that they had figured this out so very, very long ago may have been onto something While I am not about to put on my profile that only suitable signs need apply, what the "star charts" say does seem to be applicable...at least in my case. I am the sign of the Ram--independent, impulsive, a fighter for top honors, a believer in doing the right thing as well as protecting the rights of others, and determined to follow my dreams and help you to follow yours. I am a fire sign (for sure) and need someone to either share my passions (another Aries or Leo) or or temper my excesses (Sagittarius, Gemini, Aquarius). The best thing to do, OP, since you are so young, is to take your time and date various types of signs--you will learn over time which one is best for you Anyway...take care--and good luck finding that "right" no matter what the the person's sign might be.... As always...YMMV ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 129 (view)

Is politics a deal breaker for you? Posted: 2/5/2008 7:22:54 PM
Ahhhh....respect... And therein lies the rub... I have tried to have a relationship with someone who disagreed with me in both politics and religion. I am a registered Independent (he saw that as a problem--said I couldn't make up my mind) and he was a Republican (did I need to say that?) We kept trying to NOT talk about either politics or religion, but it turned out to be impossible. As much as you might be willing to "learn what their thought process is" it turns out that some people are incapable of caring about yours. That, in my book, is a deal breaker. There was a study done this past year which shows that Democrats'/Republicans' brains work differently in the way they process information. Republicans see things in a simpler way--they don't need a lot of detail. Democrats see all that detail and can't ignore what they see. In my case, this proved to be true. This year is an election year and, from what I have experienced, I'd say it will be hard for politically different-thinking people to find peace, let alone love, in the next several months. If you don't think alike, care for others in the same way, or in the long run, respect each other...no, it will never work. ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 68 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 11/18/2007 10:04:28 PM
PIAOWAKA-- The issue for me, as I have said before, is not as great as it is for others who have ex-whatevers that are stalking them off the internet. I do not take this subject lightly--anyone who cannot let go after being told that "this" is over has a problem and needs help. I wonder how you can seriously ask me if I like this attention? If you mean his attention...no, I don't. If you mean the attention this thread has received...well, yes, I am happy that this subject is being discussed. IMO, obviously, it should be. As for your question, my "issue" has not been dealt with other than what I have done here. I do not have proof of anything other than cyber stalking (which is continuing, btw, albeit indirectly). I do not think that is strong enough to cry to the police over, so I have not done so. What I did, as I said, was ask for advice and possibly some support from my fellow forum readers. The reason that I posted again was because of something else this guy recently did which let me know he is still "following" me on this site. If I could tell you what he is doing without "outing" him, I would. However, I am not a victim. I am the one who walked away from him. I am aware that as long as he does not contact me directly, he has no physical power over me. This thread is absolutely the only thing I am now active in on this site, so he has no other way to be connected to me--if he calls, emails, IMs, or shows up on my doorstep, the police WILL be brought in. Please also notice that, although I read other forum threads, I am not posting. My post earlier today was the first one for me in over a week, and if I were a forum junkie, that would be saying something, wouldn't it? If I was truly after attention, wouldn't I be posting everywhere and starting all kinds of poor, poor me threads? But to remain on topic, please look at the thread title... I wanted to know if anyone else has had to deal with this. I also wanted advice for myself, as well as others, from forum posters. Many posters have come in to say that they have experienced their own version of this. The opening post from me was not "way out there". I can see that I am not the only one this has happened to, or is currently happening to--which is sad, but true, and they all deserve to be heard and NOT accused of being liars. Many friendly posters have offered good advice, not just to me, but to anyone who has had to deal with this. I am grateful for their input. Others have questioned me, some hinting that I am lying or, like you, that I am seeking attention. Exactly how is it attention-seeking if I am only stating that the problem still exists? The subject IS stalking, after all, and I am sure very few are surprised that I posted again... I will only add one more thing, at this point--I started this thread, and, as the OP, will continue to follow it and answer any questions, as I answered yours, that will not "out" the person "following" me. My thanks to all of you who have been supportive...

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 62 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 11/18/2007 8:18:00 AM
Warmthnpassion--thank you for your last post. I thought when I first read it that it was dead on--things could never go back to the way they were and he should move on, hopefully wiser. The only reason that I did not say anything further until now was that I thought that you got your point across to him (since I knew, as you did, that he was going to read it) and I decided to just let the whole thing go. However, it has come to my attention that he cannot let it go. He believes, by my starting this thread, that I am still somehow stalking HIM. How strange is that? Not to mention that no one has been posting on this thread for several days now, so why should he continue to complain? Also, anyone reading this entire thread can see that I never named him--only he and I know who he is. Can anyone explain how starting or continuing this thread can be seen as me stalking him? Or harassing him? As far as I know, I cannot be accused of harassing someone in any way in a forum unless readers know of whom I am speaking. Why won't he let go?

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 54 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 11/9/2007 9:51:53 PM
WarmthNpassion, I appreciate your post, but if you will look at my much earlier post (#14) I explain how you can see my profile from the forums while it remains hidden in searches. Also, in that post, I also say that I know that having my profile hidden hardly matters any longer since I started this thread--but hidden it remains. I believe that I have been very clear in my posts here that this is cyber stalking and I know that it is not as serious as RL stalking. My very first post tells you that I have compassion for what it feels like to know that even though you have told the other person in no uncertain terms that you do not believe that “this” is ever going to work, he/she ignores that, telling you that he/she will “forgive” you if you just realize you made a mistake and come back. Someone wanting to get back with you is not necessarily going to lead to a stalking situation. Other things must come into play for that to happen. Say that someone has scared you with their anger and a display of temper on more than one occasion to the point where you no longer feel comfortable in their presence and you have decided once and for all that you don’t want or need this in your life--you are not a victim and you are leaving. That is what I did. He wanted to talk after that, to show me that I was wrong to leave, but every IM and email that we attempted ended in failure because I just was not able to ignore the side of him that was jealous, angry, and controlling. I told him that it was just the way it was--no harm, no foul--and that it was over. I told him I wasn’t going to talk with him anymore. He continued to try, but I ignored the attempts and moved on with my life. I was going to find someone else. What does he do, then, when I refuse to respond anymore to either his IM’s or his emails? He created a fake profile--new name, new town, new life. He knew my profile was hidden and he knew that I would have to do the contacting of new fish. So he picked a town close to me and made himself into what he thought would attract me. I bit. I had no idea it was him. We sent several emails back and forth, getting to the point, finally, of exchanging first names. I was unaware that he gave me a fake name for himself. There was no pic, but that has never stopped me from contacting guys in the past--there are many reasons for doing that and I hadn’t been tricked before. At some point, they will send a pic or we will meet in a public setting eventually. This guy seemed nice enough, saying everything I wanted to hear. I was contemplating meeting him. Then came the shock--he signed an email with his real name. I just stared…I couldn’t believe it. Everything he had said to me in this new “relationship” was a lie. Everything I had said to him, thinking he was someone else, had been listened to by a man I had no further interest in sharing things with. He knew that. I felt violated and cheated. Was it earth-shatteringly awful? Maybe not. But it was a violation. It went right along with many other things that had happened between us before I left that I am too much of a lady to share with here or even in a private venue. And even if I were the type that would do that, he would probably claim a violation of his privacy and try to have me arrested. I am being extremely careful with how I word my every post here so that I do not give away anything that might lead others to know who he is. You don’t know him like I do. I cannot say more. I did call him on the use of his real name in the email. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about and then he deleted that profile so there would be no proof. But I have other proof--of his anger and the way he has gone beyond what normal people do when someone tells them it is over. You are right--he knows what he has done. I wish he would just get over it, but I don’t think he can. As a result, I have to watch my every step. And I am here to tell you that that sucks. No one should have to live that way. Several women have emailed me privately to tell me of their own horror stories and my heart goes out to them. Their situations are much worse than mine, yet they commiserated with me because we share one main thing in common--we said “No, I don’t want to do this anymore,” and every one of these men said, in one way or another, “I don’t care what you want--this is what I want, and if you don’t give it to me, I’ll find a way to take it.” I started this thread, not just for myself, but for every one else out there, male or female, who has found themselves in this position. I am 55 years old. I have been married and divorced, as well as having been in many other relationships in my lifetime. I have said goodbye many times and I have been said goodbye to, as well. But I have never, ever, felt like this before. If he had not created the bogus profile, I would not have felt like I do now, either. But knowing that he is out there, as angry as ever if not more so, makes me uncomfortable. I think what he did was not a harmless thing--it was wrong, plain and simple. And whatever else he has done--and there is more--cannot be discussed here because I am afraid to do so. People who want to laugh at this situation, go right ahead--I can’t stop you. And people who just want to attack me for speaking up for myself and for others who have been harmed much more than I have--well, this is a public forum and you have a right to your opinion just as I do. And, IMO, I believe that whenever someone you have said “No” to accesses you against your will by whatever means--and especially if they lie--it is a violation of your privacy and, depending on the type of contact, can have very harmful and deleterious effects on your sense of safety. And that (also JMO) is wrong.

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 11/5/2007 5:06:23 AM
Thank you so much, PacificStar, for your post. You gave some very concrete advice and I will take it all to heart and use it where applicable. I can see that this has happened and is happening to others and I am sure your advice will help them, too. I don't know when, if ever, I will no longer feel "watched" after this situation. Just starting this thread has caused some backlash from him. I do believe that he would try to get my profile deleted--he is that angry due to this thread. But then he would have no way to track me at all without going outside cyberspace, if he hasn't already. Please note that I have no proof of anything other than cyberstalking, so I am making no accusations concerning RL stalking. All I am saying is that I am afraid of him and I am afraid that he will take it further. Thanks again for the excellent advice. ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 11/4/2007 9:09:28 PM
Arugula, and the other posters, thank you so much for your input. I guess, Arugula, that you are right that I probably should not have started a thread about this as he is still on this site. And I did not say that he was stalking me outside of cyberspace--I said it could be that he was, and I only thought that might be because I was so shocked that he would actually create a bogus profile to try to draw me in so he could check up on me and find out if I was moving along to find a new fish. As to how I found out about the bogus profile--he made the mistake, after exchanging several emails and finally first names (his made up), in signing the his real name to the bottom of his last email to me. It was either a slip-up on his part or else he meant to scare me, but I believe that he did not intend to sign his own name. You can imagine how I felt, I am sure, when I saw this. I had told him that we were no longer a couple and that he should no longer contact me. I had done it nicely enough, I thought, and had no further idea that any more contact would take place, until this "new guy" (I thought) turned out to be him. He set up that profile knowing my interests and preferences in order to make me want to contact him. In his mind, I was wrong to leave him. In my mind, this just proves how right I was to do so. He has since deleted that profile. If I seem paranoid, then maybe I am, but it is not paranoia if it is happening--and I saw it happen. There were several things that told me that things would not work between him and me, but, as I said before, his jealousy and his anger were things I could not get past. I don't consider that to be paranoia... I am still scared. I used to contact guys on here and now I no longer believe that is a good idea. I hate that I have to think like that, but I do. Thanks again, all of you, for your ideas on how to deal with this. ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 10/29/2007 12:58:20 PM
One of the anomalies of this free site is that you can see hidden profiles from the forums. However, I do not show up on searches or on match lists or if you type in my screen name under user search. My pic cannot be rated now, since I don't show up there, either. Except through the forums, no one can even add me to their favorites list. I can be traced, however, through my posts and I know this. I can also be seen if I email someone through here. Hiding one's profile does not give one complete anonymity...it just keeps one from being seen during searches. I guess, after "coming out" so completely with this thread, it makes little sense now to keep myself hidden, especially with the above advice to promote contact with "him." Is that what others here think I should do?

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 10/29/2007 10:13:35 AM
I hope that I am coming off sounding as if I am a victim. That is not my nature. I am frustrated and upset that I cannot contact a man around my age in my vicinity and not worry that I might be chatting with the stalker... I don't want or need pity--that is not why I started this thread. I wanted to know if others have had to or are currently having to deal with this... And no, Kynnie, as far as I know, he is not following me or coming onto my property--that I would call the police about. But cyber stalking is much harder to prove, yet it still leaves the one being stalked with that creepy feeling...

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 10/29/2007 8:54:16 AM
Imwatwork--I am not in Florida...and it's good you didn't name anyone since that will get you into trouble. It took me a very long time to get up the courage to even post this--but it is not the mods I am afraid of...

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 10/29/2007 8:51:22 AM
Thank you, Kynnie, for your comments... And you are correct, I did not give enough information about my situation because I am being cyber stalked. I know that he will find this thread, since he watches all my posts--I have not posted for quite a while because of that. Does he stalk me in real life? I don't know. When I discovered that he was making up profiles to try to continue to "talk" with me, I was horrified... I was so shocked at this that I was afraid that he would be outside my door when I went outside that I called a male friend of mine and he came to pick me up from my house and took me to stay at a girlfriend's house... Cyber stalking is not as bad as real life stalking, I know, but I don't really know how far this person will go...that is what scares me so much.

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 10/29/2007 8:25:02 AM
Thank you, Halftime Dad... You are correct--the push for intimacy came much too quickly--but he was soooo charming that I lost my perspective. That will not happen again. But what got me the most was the jealousy and the anger--I had to get away... And Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your story... I understand so completely how you feel... What is so unfair about this as you lose something so very precious when something like this occurs--your feeling of privacy. You feel like someone is watching you all the time...it is creepy and such a violation Both of you said something, though, that makes me feel bad... You both said that the stalker will move on to another person. While that might relieve my misery (somewhat, because I am not likely to know that has actually happened), it also makes me feel bad for the next girl he latches onto...

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Help!! Has anyone else had to deal with a stalker? Posted: 10/29/2007 7:54:43 AM
This is my first “I have a problem--can you PoFer’s help?” thread. What you will read below is something that I came up with while trying to deal with my problem on my own (I am usually good at that, for the most part, however). I really wish that I did not have to start a new thread, but I looked up the old ones and they are really old… I want to hear what people are thinking now…I know that “the times, they are a’changin’”… so a lil help, please? Here we go: I met a guy on here and I thought that we could be a couple, no problem… But things did not turn out that well for whatever reason (There is a reason, of course, but polite company begs that I defer). We met. We liked. We were happy to engage in “being together.“ Then the bad things started. He had a terrible past--lots of betrayal… And no matter what I did, I was wrong. I tried to make things work, but I was not perfect enough for him. I said this, did that…not what he wanted… So, after “Tear-drop event” #3 on my part, I was done… So I said, “I can’t take this anymore!” I gathered up my “things“…returned his…and I thought it was all over and done with… WRONG! Enter the “STALKER” For those who have never had a stalker--welcome to my class, which I feel qualified to teach… Stalker recognition 101: Class materials: 1. Your very own stalker--cyber or otherwise. Said stalker will have either good looks, exceptional charm, or both. 2. Once connected, said stalker will never want the two of you to be apart. (Control is a BIG issue--and you won’t be the one who has it.) 3. You will find friends/fellow PoFers who either believe you--or don’t--concerning said stalker. 4. You will develop a rising terror that said stalker might try to physically harm you. 5. Paranoia will strike deep--every PoF email you receive from this point will carry a possible threat… This will not be a fun class. There is no incentive to remain in this class of “I have a stalker“. But you will never be allowed to move on once you are in here. You are stuck. The only way out is for the stalker to find new prey. Stalkers get that name because they MUST have someone. They are angry people and they do not like to be dumped--which creates a vicious cycle for them, since no one wants to deal with their anger . Then add to that the fact that their anger will not allow them to move on easily. They think weird things like “I know he/she loves me--he/she just doesn’t know it yet.” And “When we get back together, he/she will understand how right I was.” And the final stage--“I will show them just how wrong he/she was to leave me--if I can’t have him/her, no one will.” Now are we officially scared? Good. Lesson one has gone well…. In my search for previous threads on this topic, I did read some posters saying things like… “Hey, I wish I had a stalker.“ (Hopefully a joke.) And some others intimating that the person might be “imagining” it, or trolling for attention. PEOPLE, LISTEN, PLEASE! Having someone stalk you is not entertaining. People who are being stalked are scared, not only for themselves, but also for anyone they might want to get involved with. It is not a joke or a laughing matter in any way. I know this post is long, and I apologize…but I really need help. My profile is hidden, and it feels like I am hiding, too. I don’t want to feel this way. Has anyone else had recent experiences like mine? What is the best way you have found to deal with it? Thanks... ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

A Two Week Interval...... Posted: 10/13/2007 11:53:22 PM
Just an observation, but I believe the OP told us that the woman said, “I love you” and not “I am in love with you.” There is a difference in terminology. If the woman then went on to say not that much later that she had found the person that she was completely happy with, it does not sound like that she was actually “in love” with the OP in the first place. Maybe, OP, she found things about you that she did love, but certain parts of your personality made it difficult to actually be “in love” with you. If something came up at some point between the two of you and made her say “I can’t do this anymore,” perhaps you might review what happened and see if there is anything you might have done differently. Perhaps there is nothing you could have done differently and she really is a flake. Her problem and her loss, then. But, IMHO, there are always two sides to every story and we are only getting one of them here… Nonetheless, you deserve the best always, so take heart and look for someone else… Plenty more fish out there, ya know? ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Can baggage prevent someone from having a healthy, loving relationship? Posted: 10/3/2007 10:11:22 AM
Let’s try this scenario: Brand new relationship… Things are going well… And then the bottom drops out! What happened? Let’s see… How many times did your new partner ask “Did you ever,…how many times did you…how much did you?…etc.,” and you, thinking that honesty is the best policy, tell them the truth.? And then that very thing is used against you at a later time? And you bring up something from their past , and then they bring up something else….and yada, yada, yada… and another relationship goes down the tubes… “Baggage” --IMO--is the stuff you carry with you that reminds you of what did not work in the past. We all have some of it. I don’t know that you need to, or should, try to get rid of your baggage because the reason you kept it in the first place is that it’s part of your personal growth. But, just like old photographs are a part of your past and you need to pack them away in boxes so that the new love of your life doesn’t have to be upset by them, I think you need to do that with your baggage, too. I believe that a new relationship needs time to grow…and both parties need to pack the baggage away and not bring it out AT ALL. Our baggage is for our own personal growth and does not need to be shared with the new person, any more than you would sit them down in your living room and have them go through pictures of all your past partners with you. Why would you want to do that? The healing you need to do, by sorting through your baggage, is best done on your own, not with the “help“ of your new partner. Can you do this while getting into a new relationship? Many can’t--they tend to trot it all out there and then the horrible happens But it can be done without the new love ever getting a glimpse of it (some people can put things into perspective on their own and don‘t share the bad stuff), and for these people, it is the only way that they can learn and can put the past into the back storage closet where it belongs. This is why some people can move on and be happy. Do they have baggage? Sure they do. But it has been kept away from the new relationship where it has no place. I suggest that people need to understand which of the two camps listed above they are in--not what baggage they hold. If you know from experience that you will bring up the past when getting into a new relationship, then a new relationship might not be the best thing for you until you have learned all you can from your past relationships and have finally stored that baggage away. However, being human, many of us believe that we have already done this…but close examination will show us if this is so or not. We learn as we go… But maybe we don’t have to share every little detail? JMO ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Why even bother to love? Posted: 10/1/2007 12:06:31 AM
To lyndie: I read your post and felt your connection with the OP. I know that I was the first in this thread to bring up the dreaded "It is better to have loved..." statement--but I didn't make it up... It is one of the truisms of life...and, as you get older, you will discover the truth in it. I also heard your concern about continuing to do "this"...so I wanted to say a little more... I have followed this thread, and, although it isn't long, I know that there are many out there who feel the angst that this thread brings up. So many have seen/felt the pain of love gone bad before and don't want to crawl back into that dark pit again, even to bring someone else back out into the light... I am only crawling in because I have been there--more than once--and have crawled back out again, covered with spiders, snakes, and other icky in-the-dark things (in my profession, crawling in those places is productive and sometimes lucrative...but I digress...). For the topic at hand, being in love is not for the faint at heart--I am sure you have heard that one as well... It takes courage to open up a heart which still carries the remnants of past fires and shell-shock (been there just recently once again--will I ever learn...NO!). But the important thing to remember about a heart is its endless capacity to forgive. Whatever has happened to you in the past is just that...in the past. Dealing with that past, however, is what also makes you grow and (ducks head) grow up... The quicker that you learn that love is out there, but finding the best connection for you is YOUR job, no one else's, the quicker you can get back out to filling out more applications and going out on those all-important interviews called "dates" I hope no one sees me as a Pollyanna...I have been around too long and through too much to claim that title. But I do like to remain positive, no matter what, and just feel that some people simply need a little nudge to keep movin' on down the highway... ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 130 (view)

What are the true needs to make a relationship viable for the long term? Posted: 9/26/2007 10:23:46 AM
MeloFelo, I just read this entire thread and want to say that you have some very good points. One of them, in particular, struck a chord in me. You said: "While human nature is what it is, to try to focus, as my part of the relationship, on the part that is "mine to do", and to try to anticipate things I can do to bring her joy, will build up the relationship. There is also some trust, that in the grand scheme of things, she will be doing much the same. Truth is, if I focus instead, on what's not mine to do, wanting her to meet my needs in specific ways, it can be destructive. So, focusing on her, is something I can always do. It's mine. Focusing on her actions towards me, is not mine to do, and can be a source of division. Following that paradigm, is a positive thing, that keeps "adding onto" the relationship, as it grows. IMO, focusing on "self" and "getting my fair share" is a zero sum game, based on a subjective notion of "fairness" or "entitlement", that continously detracts from the function and purpose of a relationship." I enjoy your posts, Melo, as a rule, and this one is no exception. I just want to expound on this one part and I'd like to know if this is what you were getting at... In a loving, intimate relationship, one that is “equal” (there are other kinds, of course, but those are not ones that I want to become involved in), I believe that you have to concentrate on what you need to do in order to make it stronger. Where a problem can arise is when, instead of just looking at what you need to do, you start deciding what the other person needs to do, as well. You are responsible for your input. He/she is responsible for their own. If you try to tell the other person what their input should be, that is controlling and, therefore, damaging. (And in the sexual/intimacy arena, it can be especially damaging.) In other words, your focus needs to be solely on what you put into the relationship, not on what you think you need to get from the other person. And if you attempt to “force” the other person to do what you think they “need” to do for you, it just shows that your focus is not where it will do the relationship the most good--on the other person, doing what you know will make them happy. To do otherwise is to keep the focus primarily on yourself--a very selfish standpoint and one that will inevitably cause the relationship to fail. You do not get to say what is given to you by the other person in a relationship. The only thing you are allowed to do is choose whether or not you will continue to give as much as you do if you do not feel enough coming back to you. In other words, you can only take responsibility for your side of the relationship. You have to learn to let the other person give what they can--and if that turns out not to be enough for you, then you have a decision to make about whether or not to continue the relationship. To want to “talk about it” in an effort to change the other person’s behavior to make it meet your standards is, in a word, controlling. And that is a word that has NO place in an equal, loving, intimate relationship--at least the kind I want to be involved in. I feel that I should add that this is just one aspect of a relationship--all the other things that other posters have mentioned as being important to them are generally important to all relationships, not just intimate, loving ones. I, myself, would not be able to be in an intimate relationship that did not encompass the above. Is this, Melo, what you were getting at in the above part of your post? Because if it was, you hit the nail on the head, at least for me... ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 110 (view)

would you date a nice guy if hes had very little money Posted: 9/23/2007 10:52:12 PM
Jeremiah, I enjoyed your post. Ladies, we need to get real here... Do you really want someone else to support--aren't your kids from the ex enough? Yes, I, too, am all for the great/nice guy who will ring my bell just by being himself. But the reality of life in everyday America is that living costs money. And if that great guy doesn't have enough money to pay for his own needs, then, no...I'm not interested. Understand, I have asked guys out--and paid for the date--myself. I believe in the goose/gander fairness philosophy. And dutch is perfectly fine. But if he cannot afford the things he NEEDS and I have to get them for him, our relationship is going to suffer. Now if the problem with his finances are because of a temporary situation, I have patience. But if he has no desire to work to make his situation better....well, then he and I have little in common and how he looks, who he knows, or how good he is in bed will not make things better. That being said...it is not all about money, either...a jerk with money is, after all, still a jerk... JMO ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Have you ever.... Posted: 9/23/2007 5:39:43 PM
Well, I want to be positive here...but also sensible, if that is actually possible. OP, it has been two months...that is a good length of time to START to get to know someone and decide if he/she is right for you. From personal experience, I can tell you that you don't get to know someone until you have spent a LOT of time with him/her IN PERSON. There is so very much involving who a person really is...and you need to take time to not only know who that person is, but letting them get to know and understand who you are. In emails or on the phone is not enough. Trust me on that. Because who they/you really are will not come out that way. It takes day to day interactions with another person to really get to understand them. What you and (possibly) he are feeling right now is just one level of attraction. Will there be more when you meet and spend time together? That is the question that I really feel that you are asking and my answer is that knowing if the connection is real and the "forever" kind will take some time. Give it the time it needs... I like something another poster said (sorry not to give correct credit--let me know who you are, please?) that I really liked and have incorporated into my own philosophy... "It takes at least a year for the two of you to stop being "nice" to each other." Only after that will you really be able to judge whether this one is "the one." (That is if you can even get to the year point...sometimes I think that would be quite a feat in and of itself!) But to get back to the positive side of things...and, truly, I am on that side...believe what he tells you as long as you get no indications from him that what he says does not match up to what he does. Good luck to you!!! ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Why even bother to love? Posted: 9/23/2007 4:41:38 PM
Your post strikes such a chord with me... Why bother to love? There is every reason to do so...just remember the old adage "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Loving someone with all your heart is a great tribute to that person and to you, as well. As long as you know that you have given all you have to give to the "us" of a relationship, you have nothing to be ashamed of or to regret. Sometimes, no matter how much you want "this" relationship to work (and don't we all, with every one we enter?), it will not do so for reasons that, simply put, just exist. We don't look for those reasons...but when they show up, either for you or for the other person, they are very real and valid. The relationship may shut down for reasons you never understand. But please don't give up on the idea of love. Don't ever call it quits. The love that you experience on your way to finding "the one" is still valid and goes into making you who you are...and, at times, will even improve who you are if you learn from it. I am glad your mom raised you to be one of the "good guys." And someday you will find the princess that will match up to the prince that you are. Just my 2 cents... ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

What do you consider as satisfactory commitment in a committed relationship? Posted: 9/19/2007 4:07:16 PM
I think I know what you are getting at, OP. Commitment to another person is a big thing. Just knowing that you are willing to be a part of someone else's life and they want to be a part of yours is a big thing. The issue is the uprooting of your physical life, your home, all that you have put together around you to make you secure where you are. Do you uproot yourself (or the other person uproots him/herself) to join into one household for the sake of the relationship, or can you co-habitate separately (oxymoron, I know) and make it work? I guess that my thoughts on this are that maintaining separate households is a good idea, at least at first. It takes a long time to really know another person and uprooting yourself too soon (on either side) shows a lack of security and maturity...whatever you think this is, rushing into it is ALWAYS unwise. Maintaining separate households, with both of you managing your affairs as you always do, will allow each of you the time to see how each other manages life's problems--a good thing, in my book. Eventually, you will know each other well enough to decide if your day to day handling of affairs jives enough so that you will know if you can blend households at some point--and, of course, eventually you will both want to do that if you really are in love and cannot bear to be apart any longer... VIVA AMOR! I think that your question is a good one and I hope that others come in to discuss their viewpoints... ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

I broke the no contact rule,stopped contact,now she contacting me Posted: 8/29/2007 9:25:01 PM
Good for you, ace...congrats on understanding the game she is playing. Even if she might be in a place where she cannot help what she is doing, that is not your problem. I am sorry that you feel that you are in love with her, because that just speaks of pain for you if you let that emotion be in control. Here is a Just understand that there are women out there that are emotionally stable...go find one, okay, and leave this tainted fish behind. All the best-- ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Thank you to the creator of Plenty of Fish Posted: 8/7/2007 10:15:14 PM
WOW... You joined on 7/18/07 and, after 19 days, you two are joining together forever???? Maybe that's my problem...I am not moving quickly enough...lol. Well, if it is working for you two, fine. BUT for other newbies on here--it doesn't (and normally shouldn't) work that fast... JMHO. Take time to know her/him is usually better, time-proven advice. Sorry if I am a damper on the love parade, but gotta say what I think. ~Lavender

lavenderlace

Joined: 3/14/2007

Msg: 434 (view)

Long hair on older women Posted: 6/11/2007 8:46:06 PM
I did date a guy once who told me he could not see me anymore because he did not like long hair on women. I told him I could not see him anymore because I didn't like guys who tried to change me. Brava, ghstlymist! I agree wholeheartedly :) I have had long hair most of my life, and just because I have reached...ahem...the age I am, does not mean I am anywhere near ready to cut it. And, thank goodness, most of the men that pay attention to me do so first because my hair is on the longer side. I never tell a man how to wear his hair, either on his head or on his face--somehow, hair seems way too personal for others to dictate what is to be done with it. So all you other ladies, grow away if you've a mind to... After all, there must be a reason it grows in the first place???! (And yes, a guy with long hair is A-okay with me, too...lol) Peace... ~Lavender

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