Favorite Family Guy Lines chat & forums.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 275 (view)

Favorite Family Guy Lines Posted: 11/2/2009 5:27:06 PM
Having just brought season 8 on dvd I have to say the very 1st episode is brilliant. Peter, Cleavland, Quagmire & Joe are talking about a Barry Manilow concert & basically slagging him off & then they end up all saying that they like him & then go to the concert & Barry Manilow sings Oh Mandy but has Quagmire up on stage so it's "Oh Quagmire you kissed me & stopped me from something but I sent you away oh Quagmire" I was drinking a coke at the time & laughed so hard I spilled it. One drawn back to season 8 is the continous use of Conway Twitty music video's but it's still pretty good.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 379 (view)

A few more jokes from LonelyPhantom. Posted: 11/2/2009 4:57:19 PM
I know it's early but here's a christmas joke for you all to enjoy. Little known Christmas Fact Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?" And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 378 (view)

A few more jokes from LonelyPhantom. Posted: 10/30/2009 5:11:00 PM
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A. Her lipstick.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 371 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 10/22/2009 4:20:26 PM
The mother superior is making an announcement it the convent “We have a case of Chlamydia here in the convent” she says & just as she finishes the sentence an old nun at the back gets up & shouts “I hope it’s better than that f**king case of Chardonnay we got for Christmas”.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

I will survive! (new version) Posted: 9/29/2009 5:12:06 PM
Here is another version I have made up, it's not 100% brilliant but I am sure people will at least smile after reading it. At first I was afraid I was petrified when I awoke to find my Ex laying by my side, I would have drunk a little less, I would have tried to keep my head had I known for just one second that she lure me in to bed. I tried to go run out the door but she spiked the champagne & I’m unconscious on the floor. I should have dialled 999 & asked for an ambulance now she’s taking advantage of me by taking off my pants. Oh bloody hell, now I’m half cut & handcuffed to a bed being seduced by a slut, I’m bloody stuck & want to spew I really hope for my sake she’s forgotten how to screw. I'm scared stiff still chained to the bed Thank God I watched discovery channel coz now I’m playing dead. Chorus: I will survive! I will survive! 'Coz as long as I got to A&E & get my stomach pumped I may just stay alive. I have to doge the Ex coz all she wants is sex. I will survive! I will survive! Hey, hey..... It took all the strength I had just to break the chains, Now I’m vaulting all the fences in the pouring rain, Only hope I’m not arrested coz I’m running in the nude, Please God don’t let anyone see me coz I can’t afford to be sued! Chorus: I will survive! I will survive! 'Coz as long as I got to A&E & get my stomach pumped I may just stay alive. I have to doge the Ex coz all she wants is sex. I will survive! I will survive! Hey, hey..... Mike

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

I will survive! (new version) Posted: 9/21/2009 2:56:31 PM
Well I'm glad your impressed coz I did my best But I take my hat off to the person above me who made 2 versions.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

I will survive! (new version) Posted: 9/20/2009 5:25:21 PM
Well it was in keeping with the tune, so I earn points for originality.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

I will survive! (new version) Posted: 9/20/2009 4:39:53 PM
I'm sorry but I had to reply with a male version. Hope this makes you smile. At first I was afraid, I was petrified, When you said you had 42 double D’s, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a woman that wide, That I grew strong inside, and knew that I could take you on .... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for your meat balloons and you've brought me a pair of lies! I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known that you wore padding to improve your pancakes with peas! Go on, now go! Walk out the door, Don't you promise me huge breasts, and then turn up as flat as the floor! Weren't you a fool to think I wouldn't find you out? Don't you know we're only joking when we say that size don't count? Chorus: I will survive! I will survive! 'Coz as long at I have electricity, my sex life's gonna thrive, I will always have great sex, with a doll made of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey, hey..... It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw the tissues falling to the ground, But to hell with all your egos, and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a doll with multi-speeds! Chorus: I will survive! I will survive! 'Coz as long at I have electricity, my sex life's gonna thrive, I will always have great sex, with a doll made of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey, hey..... Mike

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 368 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 9/16/2009 4:33:49 PM
Q) How do you give a lemon an orgasim? A) Tickle it's citrus.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 232 (view)

Favorite Family Guy Lines Posted: 8/8/2009 5:22:46 PM
It's got to to be the PTV episode where peter takes a dump off the bridge & it hits the car while lois is in it with stewie & then there home arguing about it & stewie is in the corner shaking & saying "Turn of the windshield wipers they don't work there just making it worse".

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 363 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 7/19/2009 3:53:21 PM
A nun visits her doctor & is suprised to find out that she is pregnant. LIVID she goes into church where all the monks are praying & shouts "Ok which one of you filthy b@st@rds masturbated over the candles?"

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 356 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 7/15/2009 3:02:07 PM
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent knob? A. Fcuks Funny! A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed. The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear. It says "gets paid for sex." The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker. It says, "Eats bush and leaves!" Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fcuk is she doing out of the kitchen?

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 351 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/26/2009 5:38:03 PM
With the passing of Michael Jackson I would like to say sorry for the last joke I posted on this forum.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 349 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/18/2009 7:58:55 AM
I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo! When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and I shouted "fcuking kids" and it played Michael Jackson.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 348 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/17/2009 8:32:18 PM
A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Sh!t dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 347 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/17/2009 8:04:10 PM
Why its better to be a man 1. We keep our last name. 2. The garage is all ours. 3. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 4. Chocolate is just another snack. 5. We can be president. 6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 7. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 8. The world is our urinal. 9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. 10. Same work, more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. 13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. 14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. 16. One mood, ALL the time. 17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 18. We know stuff about tanks. 19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 20. We can open all our own jars. 21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend. 23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 24. Everything on our face stays its original color. 25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 27. We almost never have strap problems in public 28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. 30. We don't have to shave below our neck. 31. Our belly usually hides our big hips. 32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife. 34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 343 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/14/2009 8:55:46 AM
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal! Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music. Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 342 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/14/2009 8:35:10 AM
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Santa Claus on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Merry Christmas" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a champagne bottle with "Happy New Year" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year's Eve."

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 335 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 6/10/2009 6:09:25 PM
Bloke on a golf course knocks his ball into the woods & goes to find it; it’s landed near a beer bottle. He kicks the beer bottle to one side & out pops a genie. The genie says “thank God for that I’m so pleased to be out of there you have 3 wishes but the catch is your wife gets 4 times the amount of what ever you ask for” So the bloke thinks for a bit & says “I wanna be the best golfer in the world” (thunder bolt) “Granted but your only the 2nd best golfer coz your wife is 4 times better than you” The genie says. Now then wish number 2. The bloke thinks again & says “I would like 10 million in my bank account please?” (Thunder bolt) “Granted but your wife has 40 million in her account”. Now then says the genie wish number 3 & I must remind you your wife gets 4 times the amount of whatever you ask for so think carefully before you make your wish. The bloke thinks for about 5 minutes & says “Couldn't organise a mild heart attack could you?”

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 322 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 5/28/2009 7:12:27 PM
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday. The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday." One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered: "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 321 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 5/28/2009 6:49:36 PM
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 318 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 5/25/2009 11:22:03 PM
BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "i souport publik edekasion" "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!" "Work is for people who don't know how to fish" "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." "I Brake For No Apparent Reason." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!" "No Radio - Already Stolen" "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges." "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! " "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!" "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!" "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist." "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. " "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist." "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have." "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms" "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?" "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock." "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles." "I is a college student." "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself." "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 317 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 5/25/2009 11:16:58 PM
Rejected Dr. Seuss books: The Cat in the Blender Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Fox in Detox Who Shat in the Hat? Horton Hires a Ho The Flesh-Eating Lorax How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Your Colon Can Moo---Can You? Zippy the Rabid Gerbil Are You My Proctologist? Yentl the Lentil My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket Aunts in My Pants Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff! Horton Fakes an Orgasm The Grinch's Ten Inches

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 287 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 4/27/2009 10:29:25 AM
Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my pot." Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes. " When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the f*cking dishes."

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 286 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 4/27/2009 10:25:13 AM
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.’ Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’ Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem?’ ‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’ That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you?

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 285 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 4/27/2009 10:16:42 AM
There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about. Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair. The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?" The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 277 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 4/18/2009 12:10:41 AM
Q) What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? A) Popeye beat the cr@p outta him.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 191 (view)

Favorite Family Guy Lines Posted: 2/12/2009 7:15:04 AM
Love the episode where Meg works at the pan cake cafe in order to get her Prada bag. Stewie in the foster home: "God you people understand every language known to man click click bloody pan cakes" Foster parents: "Poor little guy pan cakes must be street for crack".

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 63 (view)

New talent... Heart of ice. Posted: 1/23/2009 3:57:46 PM
HEART OF ICE. (c) I’m feeling fifteen years older & my eyes no longer glow inside I feel dead & in my head I have no get up & go. I used to care & I could love but that was years ago back when I listened to advice before my warm heart turned to ice, so now I’m bitter & alone & my compassions up & flown. Now the tears have stopped, I sit & count the days that pass it’s coming up to five years now & I’m getting nowhere fast. My hopes were not forgotten just wrapped & packed away in the knowledge that I could take them out & dust them off someday. I gave my all & did my best but my heart was not strong enough to pass the test, shattered like a mirror & in pieces in my chest. I’m now scared it can’t be repaired so I don’t want too know. Now I’m building walls as I can’t let anybody in, I swept up the shards of my broken heart & stored them in the bin. Whoever said that time heals all was talking utter shite, as I don’t feel any better & I do not sleep at night. Sitting in me bed I hear the clock tick & think of you but you packed & left me there was nothing more that I could do. After my picture fades & darkness has turned to grey, your checking your in box as your wondering if I’m ok. Daylight I won’t care if it finds me with no breath in my body with no beat in my heart for I’m certain that you never really loved me, I wish I had seen that from the start. Hug me is there no one to hug me? It was easy to love me in my glamourous past as I leave you a shadow of the light I once was may my memory rest at last. By LonelyPhantom. (ALL MY WORK IS COPY RIGHT SO IF I SEE ANY OF IT ON ANOTHER SITE LEGAL ACTION WILL BE TAKEN).

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 62 (view)

New talent... Passion. Posted: 11/30/2008 10:18:59 AM
(about my friend I love & care for a great deal) Eve, give me back the passion That left with your embrace It wasn’t fair to take it To remove it from it’s place It’s mine, I want it back It’s the thing I can’t forgive Of all the things you’ve offered Only the passion deserves to live Eve, give me back the passion That came from your burning kiss Hungry lips are a dime a dozen But the passion I sorely miss As the only gift you gave me Stirred as emotions in my soul And they flowed through me like an elixir Through my veins to make me whole Eve, give me back the passion Flamed as fire in your urgent touch So deny me of your caresses But the passion I need so much Why would you want to take it? For in you, it has no use But for me it heals the hurt It’s a voice to express my views Eve, give me back the passion That you awakened as forbidden desire Just keep the words I’ve longed for But in stealing my passion…you’ve stolen my fire!

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 61 (view)

New talent... Remind her I love her. Posted: 10/20/2008 10:57:18 PM
(Taken from Acorn Antiques the musical) Close the window, dim the lamp the evening sun is fading Send my love a star to shine above her. Let her see who I can be behind the masquerading. Let the star remind her that I love her. Send a flare high in the air a message in a rocket colours that will light the sky behind her. Take the past & tie it fast & put it in her pocket add a bit of life. Just to remind her once we were together & I didn't see an end Didn't see what changes could arrive now she's not a stranger but you couldn't call her friend still my dreams survive. Fold a note & make a boat & let float downriver let it travel safely let it find her let her read & let her heed the message I deliver the miracles occur that memory could stir a glimpse of who we were that could remind her.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 60 (view)

New talent... Merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher. Posted: 10/19/2008 6:45:26 PM
A fantastic song I heard on the radio. Can you hear it in the distance Can you sense it far away Is it old Rudolph the reindeer Is it Santa on his sleigh It's heading up to Easington It's coming down the Tyne Oh it's bloddy Maggie Thatcher And Michael Heseltine [Chorus:] So merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher May God's love be with you We all sing together in one breath Merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher We all celebrate today 'Cause it's one day closer to your death They've come to raid your stockings And to steal your Christmas pud But don't be too downhearted It's all for your own good The economic infrastructure Must be swept away To make way for call centres And lower rates of pay [Chorus] And they've brought their fascist boot boys And they've brought the boys in blue And the whole Trade Union Congress Will be at the party too And they'll all hold hands together All standing in a line 'Cause they're privatising Santa This merry Christmas time [Chorus 2x] Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Heseltine You're a tosser, you're a tosser And you're just a Tory Swine

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

New talent... I'm fed up with on line dating. Posted: 10/17/2008 7:02:49 PM
I’m fed up with on line dating all the women that I’m chasing do not have that certain something that this guy expects to see. They never read my profile it’s damaging my status, they just browse the pictures & leave coz they lack the mental apparatus. Why do they never reply to an Email, I never get 1 or 2 no one seems interested no matter what I do. (C) LonelyPhantom

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

New talent... Untitled. Posted: 9/23/2008 5:50:38 PM
In the rain the pavement shines like silver all the lights are misty in the river in the darkness the trees are full of starlight & I wish it could stay like this forever. Things have to change coz nothing is so good it lasts eternally perfect situations will go wrong still this has not prevented me wanting far too much for far too long. No one in your life is with you constantly, no one is completely on your side & though you change yourself to be with them still the gap remains too wide. Love its a losing game & once you've lost you never win again. Stuck together, torn apart it does not really matter when you have a glass heart. Relationships are never easy & some are far too hard in the end you give up trying to fix your heart coz it has to be repaired shard by shard. In time a loveless heart can turn to ice & you learn to switch off your feelings almost over night. A burning passionate flame that once burned bright was extinguished without a second thought one night. That was some four years back now all that's left is an empty void a deep shade of black. I gave my all & now it's gone, I have nothing more to give so now I'm a single unit & that is how I choose to live. Why run the risk of putting myself through all that pain? I might as well close that door & never open it again. No one ever stays long enough to start the flame burning & I am getting too old to change these are things I am learning. (c) Copy right LonelyPhantom.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 272 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 8/15/2008 8:35:34 AM
“Brokeback mountain” Isn’t just a movie it’s what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his back yard.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 271 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 8/15/2008 8:21:54 AM
A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices. Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right? So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?” The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 5542 (view)

Favourite song lyrics Memory from CATS. Elaine Paige Posted: 7/30/2008 4:45:19 PM
Daylight See the dew on the sunflower And a rose that is fading Roses whither away Like the sunflower I yearn to turn my face to the dawn I am waiting for the day . . . Midnight Not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone In the lamplight The withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan Memory All alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again Every streetlamp Seems to beat a fatalistic warning Someone mutters And the streetlamp gutters And soon it will be morning Daylight I must wait for the sunrise I must think of a new life And I musn't give in When the dawn comes Tonight will be a memory too And a new day will begin Burnt out ends of smoky days The stale cold smell of morning The streetlamp dies, another night is over Another day is dawning Touch me It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is Look A new day has begun

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 269 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 7/28/2008 1:04:23 PM
The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said... 'Beautiful, just fu*kin' BEATUIFUL!' "

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 5511 (view)

Your Favorite Music Lyrics Posted: 7/28/2008 12:52:04 PM
Petula Clark Easy terms from the musical Blood Brothers by Willy Russle. This song would bring a tear to a glass eye. MRS JOHNSTONE ONLY MINE UNTIL THE TIME COMES ROUND TO PAY THE BILL. THEN I'M AFRAID. WHAT CAN'T BE PAID MUST BE RETURNED. YOU NEVER, EVER LEARN, THAT NOTHING'S YOURS, ON EASY TERMS. ONLY FOR A TIME, I MUST NOT LEARN, TO CALL YOU MINE. FAMILIARISE THAT FACE, THOSE EYES MAKE FUTURE PLANS THAT CANNOT BE CONFIRMED ON BORROWED TIME, ON EASY TERMS. LIVING ON THE NEVER NEVER, CONSTANT AS THE CHANGING WEATHER, NEVER SURE WHO'S AT THE DOOR OR THE PRICE I'LL HAVE TO PAY SHOULD WE MEET AGAIN I WILL NOT RECOGNISE YOUR NAME. YOU CAN BE SURE WHAT'S GONE BEFORE WILL BE CONCEALED. YOUR FRIENDS WILL NEVER LEARN THAT ONCE WE WERE ON EASY TERMS. LIVING ON THE NEVER NEVER, CONSTANT AS THE CHANGING WEATHER, NEVER SURE WHO'S AT THE DOOR OR THE PRICE I'LL HAVE TO PAY... MRS LYONS THEY'RE BORN, YOU DIDN'T NOTIFY ME. MRS JOHNSTONE COULDN'T I KEEP THEM FOR A FEW MORE DAYS, THEY'RE A PAIR, THEY GO TOGETHER. MRS LYONS MY HUSBAND IS DUE BACK TOMORROW, MRS. JOHNSTONE. I MUST HAVE MY BABY WE MADE AN AGREEMENT, A BARGAIN. YOU SWORE ON THE BIBLE. MRS JOHNSTONE YOU'D BETTER SEE WHICH ONE YOU WANT MRS LYONS I'LL TAKE... MRS JOHNSTONE NO. DON'T TELL ME WHICH ONE. JUST TAKE HIM, JUSTTAKE HIM LIVING ON THE NEVER NEVER, CONSTANT AS THE CHANGING WEATHER, NEVER SURE WHO'S AT THE DOOR OR THE PRICE I'LL HAVE TO PAY, SHOULD WE MEET AGAIN...

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 297 (view)

limerick masterpieces!!!! Posted: 7/28/2008 12:45:03 PM
There's a lovely young lady we know Her name is cuddly Zo she's been gone for a while But she returned with a smile Her forums the best one I know. Glad to have you back Zo.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

What is it with people breaking our hearts? Posted: 7/28/2008 12:35:18 PM
I split with me girlfriend (3 years ago & it still hurts) & before that we were really good friends, I think the key factor here is to accept that he does not wanna know anymore, it sad but you must accept it. Now is not a good time to be alone call up friends & make plans go to parties you might have skipped when you were going out with your Ex. The longer you keep busy & do think that take your mind off of him the less it will hurt. I know it feels awful having been someone's life for ages & to then have them cast you aside like yesterdays news. The important thing is to remember that your still worth loving. As someone already said avoid going to places where you shopped together, I also found it helped not too listen too songs that reminded me of the good times past. It's gonna hurt like mad & your gonna cry, rant & get angry (I know I did & I'm not ashamed to admit it). If you have good friends it's best to have them around as they will offer you the support that your gonna need. It's never a nice thing to watch a realationship end but keep in mind that now you have a chance to start a new one (only do this when you feel ready though). Sadly holding on to the hope that the other person is gonna suddenly realise how much they need you does not work it took me 3 years too come to terms with that. I hope you start to feel better in time. LonelyPhantom p.s. here is a hug coz there vital at a time like this

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 265 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 7/22/2008 2:34:31 PM
How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white? BLEEEEEE-YATCH! Two men are sharing a hospital room. "What are you in for?" The first man says. "I'm getting a circumcision," his roommate replies. "Damn," exclaims the first man, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!" A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking." Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. ''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied. ''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!'' ''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.'' ''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!'' ''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...'' (come on these are funny)

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 255 (view)

The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Posted: 7/19/2008 2:48:27 PM
Little Billy goe to school after being absent the previous day. His teacher demands, "Where were you yesterday?" "I'm sorry, miss, my dad got burnt" "Oh I sorry, I hope it wasn't serious?" well young Billy replies "In fairness miss they don't f*ck about at the crematorium!"

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 57 (view)

New talent... A heart in pain. Posted: 7/16/2008 4:52:33 PM
There’s a fine, fine line between a lover & a friend I have come to realise that if you cross it one thing starts while the other ends. I been there, done that, put my heart on the line & you’d have thought I’d learnt my lesson as it gets broken every time. No one in your life is with you constantly, no one is completely on your side & though you may move your world too be them you find the gap is still too wide. The hands of time cannot change the past & before you know time flies by so fast. Sometimes you have to do what is best & in time you find it was wise too have flown the nest. I’m young I know & I need time still to grow so much more to learn at every twist & turn. These broken wings will heal in time & then I’ll be flying high & feeling fine. Even if I’m flying solo at least I’m flying free, I will not conform this is the real me. I’m laying everything on the line in the hope that one day things will be fine. Sparkling blue pools that hide a world of pain & lies the gate way to the soul but no one can see past my eyes. I put on a smile to mask the pain but I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. The hardest thing I know is having to let go. I built a dream that could not be & when it died so did a part of me. Crystal blue little spheres splashing down from my eyes otherwise know as tears cannot be contained & when no one is watching they fall like rain. Laughter cannot mask a heavy heart or put back together one that was ripped apart. An empty void, a black hole when my heart was broken so was my soul. I lost it all in one fatal blow, now I hide behind a wall as chilling as the winter snow. I don’t want or ask for much just someone with a loving touch, someone who understands me & who loves me you know? Who can thaw this frozen heart with a kindly loving glow but chances of that ever coming true & very slim because in this book the main character never wins. I’m just the guy who is always there when everyone needs too rant & moan but when I need a friend to lean on I’m left on my own. Life has thrown me lemons before I just drank them down with vodka & kept dancing out the door. However the older I get I have discovered it takes much longer too recover. This time I’ve been too badly ripped apart & I don’t know if I can see a fresh start. I’m forever gonna be alone & loveless here just the guy in the mirror, just him & me is that how life is ment to be. If just one person could collect the broken bits of my heart & piece them back together then I’d promise to be that persons love forever. R.e.s.c.u.e. I need someone to rescue me anyone I don’t mind who, help me to love again I swear I’ll be true. Too just hold hands or get caught in the rain just too feel passion again. A touch of hands, a warming smile or just to sit a chat awhile. Just one last chance to re live my glory days when life was a dream & I lived it without being afraid. Loving on the never, never constant as the changing weather never sure if I can love as I did before. I played all my cards nothing left to say, no more ace to play. I've just gotta keep my fingers crossed & hope tomorrow is a brighter day. LonelyPhantom. (c) Copy right.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

How lonely did you feel when you discovered plenty of fish? Posted: 6/27/2008 3:49:23 PM
How lonely did you feel when you discovered plenty of fish? Good question as I am still lonely. Lets be honest we are here surfing the net because our dating experiences offline were bad or dead ends. I discovered this site by accident & I have been a member little over a year now so far only 6 people have shown an interest in me. Drinking to help you sleep does not work, I've tried it. Your left feeling drained a paranoid. The best way to sleep at night is to relax or have a shower an hour before you go to bed. If your anything like me music helps or reading a good book. Your still a young man so you could try going out a little more often, if you have some close friends you could go out for coffee or go see a movie or something as you'll be out of the house & in different settings so your likely to meet new people. Give it a go you've nothing to lose. I'm willing to admit that at times in my life I have felt very lonely, I used to self harm (the reason why all my pictures are head shots I cover up these days). But cutting, over eating, drinking & smoking are not the answers I went to counseling for it & it got me out of the house & forced me to deal with the loneliness issue in my life as I was talking to people in the same boat. It really helped me but after a few failed relationships I was facing my old demons again. I can honestly say that I think you can't love another person unless you love yourself (feel comfortable with who you are). I know it's a rough road & one I have travelled more times than I care to remember but I believe once your over 20 you see life in a new light. I wish you the best of luck with meeting people on here & don't be afraid to reply to people you would normally ignore. You don't have to date them but it might just make there day too get a reply coz they have taken the time to write to you. All the best LonelyPhantom (Mike)

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 56 (view)

New talent... love. Posted: 6/27/2008 3:14:49 PM
There's a boy inside the man waiting to get free. He's cleaned a million dishes & he's always drinking tea. They think he's just an Ex lover with nothing left inside who swapped his dreams for misery the day they kissed good bye. The dreams were not forgotten just wrapped & packed away, in the hope that he could take them out & dust them off someday. There's boy inside the man & the adult he became & a half remembered song comes to his lips again. The boy would sing the melody while the man stands in doubt & wonders what the price will be for letting the young boy out. I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn & we are led to those who help us most to grow If we let them & we help them in return well, I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you... Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood who can say if I've been changed for the better? but because I knew you I have been changed for good It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime so let me say before we part so much of me is made of what I learned from you you'll be with me like a hand print on my heart & now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend... Where are you love why can't I find you why have you gone away where is the laughter you used to bring me why can't I hear music play, my world is changing I'm rearranging does that mean love changes too Where are you love do you remember the one you used to know I'm not the same one see what the time's done is that why you have let me go. If there is love in your heart and your mind you will feel special all the time I feel you love I know I've found you you never fade away the joy of love Stays here in silence fills each and every heart with joy.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

New talent... ALONE. Posted: 6/19/2008 3:10:09 PM
My dreams were not forgotten just wrapped & packed away, in the hope that I could take them out & dust them off someday. Now we have gone our separate ways all that’s left are the memories of happier days. It’s no surprise these bright blue eyes can mask a lot of pain & cast looks of doubt when I sit & think will I ever be the same again. It was there the writing on the wall, I was just so caught up in the moment I chose to ignore it all. Even though I’m 21 I feel like 43, one question burns the question is can anyone love me? Being single for so long has turned my heart to stone & I doubt it can be reversed after three years of living alone. No hand to hold, no lips to kiss these are the things I dearly miss. There’s no point in keeping up the fight when it is over now like the music of the night. As the Phantom learned love can never be forced if it’s going to be, it’s going to be it runs a natural course. She spent the summer by my side, she filled my days with endless pleasure, she took the relationship in her stride & she had left when autumn came. Still I dream she’ll come to me & we would live the years together but there are dreams that can not be they change just like the weather. So once again I’m on my own, picking up pieces of my broken dreams that shattered like glass, nothing is ever as it seems. I did my best to keep her, I really tried & though I changed my self to be with her still the gap between us was to wide. Love is pain & if you view it with an ice cold eye, you will understand why. So now my fires dampened all that’s left a tiny glow, will there ever be a flame again in time I guess I’ll know. Now all that’s left is quiet as I sit here on my own & the clock ticks behind me & chimes your on your own.......

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 54 (view)

New talent... Untitled. Posted: 6/16/2008 7:48:47 AM
They showed me to a doctor & after routine tests, a prescription note the doctor wrote for the chronically depressed. There's a young man on the street, he's walking round in circles, he's old before his time but still to young to know, don't look at him don't cry though, this living on the giro. It's only a sign of the time's. Missed out the word wrote in the first draft.

Joined: 3/31/2007

Msg: 53 (view)

New talent... Untitled. Posted: 6/14/2008 4:50:40 PM
They showed me to a doctor & after routine tests, a prescription note the doctor for the chronically depressed. There's a young man on the street, he's walking round in circles, he's old before his time but still to young to know, don't look at him don't cry though, he's living on the giro. It's only a sign of the time's.