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homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Cosmo and Maxim Magazines Posted: 6/23/2008 11:40:31 AM
There was an article some years ago by a female columnist who had taken offense at the rising popularity of Maxin, Stuff and the like. In an effort to expose their perceived bias, she compared a range of them to periodicals aimed at women such as Cosmo, Elle, Chatelaine and so on... After reviewing both sides of the coin she admitted in a fairly embarrassed tone that she very much preferred to read the men's periodicals as they were far more likely to contain information that was either useful on a day to day basis, or at least entertaining and obviously so for not taking themselves too seriously. In noticeable contrast, she found those aimed at ladies were full of advice on How to trick your man., How to marry rich., and Is he cheating? She said that women who actually took the advice aimed at them seriously were likely in for disappointment at best and more likely great unhappiness. Personally I don't read either as I have better things to do with my time.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Loving yourself first....... Posted: 5/23/2008 4:16:34 PM
For those who have trouble looking inside, I posted it somewhere else, but it bears repeating here... a) spend time with people who actually care about you and want to see you succeed b) spend time doing things that you enjoy with people you enjoy being with c) spend time doing things that will improve your position in life (education, travel, etc) d) there is no d :-) When you are in this supportive environment, it will be easier to look at yourself and see what you can accomplish and be. Trying to do so when you are down in the dumps is possible, but can be much harder. And when all else fails.....fake it until you make it, you just may surprise yourself one day and find yourself doing it for real.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Online love is often blind, brief, study says Posted: 5/23/2008 4:07:35 PM
Statistics speak for themselves; 5000 people found a relationship on POF in 2006 820 that are known of led to marriage... Yes, but how many of them last? It is statistically unlikely that if you put almost eight million people in the same room, that none of them will end up in romantic relationships. What would be telling would be if their relationships lasted any longer than those of the general population... A large part of why online relationships don't last is that there is the impression on both sides that there are plenty of fish waiting at home if this one isn't perfect. Rather than investing a little time and effort in the relationship, far too many dump pretty good and run off looking for perfect. :-( By far, that is the overriding observation I've heard from ladies dating online. Maybe the biggest reason I've settled in and enjoyed my time here is that I think of it as plenty of friends and leave the romance for ladies who have actually expressed an interest in me, rather than what I do for a living, or if my profile meets their standards. :-) Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Mixed Signals? Posted: 5/23/2008 2:48:24 PM
We all have different schedules. Sometimes I have oodles of time for personal time, other times I have none. The trick is balancing it with the person you're with. Take it easy for a week or two, see how it goes and if you're happy with it. Talk openly with him and see what he has to say. Maybe he has a big project at work and can't get away as much as he'd like, but when it's done he'll have lots of time...? Maybe he's sorting out how he feels and what he's ready for...does he have kids/is he ready for them? Neither good nor bad, but a consideration he may be confronting for the first time. Take some time to make sure he's right for you before you get all worked up over whether or not he's calling. Hot and passionate can be nice, but it's all about communication and compromise over the long haul (decades, not months). Have a great date and good luck. :-)

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

OK So I dumped him, now how do I get my self esteem back Posted: 5/23/2008 2:38:16 PM
What do you mean get it back? You dumped his ass, you have it back! If you didn't, you'd still be under his thumb. That was the line in the sand, he crossed it and you sent him packing. Good for you. :-) Advice: a) spend time with people who actually care about you and want to see you succeed b) spend time doing things that you enjoy with people you enjoy being with c) spend time doing things that will improve your position in life (education, travel, etc) d) there is no d :-) Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 78 (view)

Why are men so darn... respectful? Posted: 5/23/2008 2:12:44 PM
Homeonthecoast, you just can't get yourself off that combative mood, can you? And you don't even realize that... Who said I thnk the majority of you have it wrong? Who said there IS right vs. wrong when it comes to cultures? Why don't you lighten up a bit.. And people who can't see the difference between embarrassed and playing games have my sympathy. I couldn't get combative over a discussion on the Internet if I tried, it's just not in my nature. In fact, my very lack of combativeness is one of the reasons I was invited to Moderate another Forum I'm a member of. You on the other hand seem to be looking for offense where none is intended. The only one with any combativeness in this entire Thread is looking back from your nearest mirror. :-( You've have a wealth of advice and observation from others in this Thread, yet you get your back up when you hear something you don't like. You can always find a reason to be offended, if you look hard enough... But that's a Wayne Dyer quote. You start off a Thread saying a guy didn't sort through your mixed signals and somehow that makes it a guy problem. So far I haven't read any Posts that support your view, and somehow you think that means the rest of us don't get it, whether due to being unsophisticated or for any other reason. You've recognised that if you want another shot at this guy, you're going to have to hit the trails and do some work of your own. Many of us, including myself, have supported this idea. By disagreeing with the vast majority of Posters, you are implying that you believe their opinions are wrong. This has nothing to do with cultural differences. Personally I live for disagreement, otherwise how else would we learn about different people and cultures? I have good friends from all over the world and I'm always learning from them, as they are from me. :-) Apparently the only person who has your sympathy is the guy you met on the trail, because the rest of us clearly understand that you were embarrassed in the moment and that your admitted mixed signals were the result of being flustered and not of any games. What we have said, and you seem to be ignoring, is that he obviously didn't get the message you were trying to send due to the confusion which he may or may not have detected, thus he took the easy (read - safe) way out and left. Most nice/respectful guys in North America would have acted the same way he did in that situation. By the same token, if you see him again, as a nice/respectful guy, he'll be more than happy to start over and see where it goes. After you tackle him to the ground so he can't make another hasty getaway, likely he'll even admit to being shy or nervous himself, hence the swift departure when he thought he was getting the brush off. As nice people you'll both have a chuckle and hopefully enjoy a nice ride together followed by beverages. Happy trails. Hopefully he'll be out there looking for you as well.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 60 (view)

Why are men so darn... respectful? Posted: 5/23/2008 10:28:01 AM
Lots of the guys who scold me here must have never set their foot outside of their culture, and it shows. In my home country, a smile is a very strong signal of interest.. so strong in fact that, whenever I came for a visit, friends and family kept reminding me not to smile at strangers. But then, lots of people here are pissed off and will scold anyone.. what else is new. Scold you? You think you're being scolded after you ask why guys aren't mind readers after a (by your admission) respectful guy you were interested in took your hints and gave you the space you seemed to be asking for, and you don't like the almost universal opinion that it might have been your behaviour instead of his? I think perhaps that might be your background speaking, and not us... Perhaps it shows that you're trying to impose the mores of your old culture on your new one. America is quite different from most other countries, my travels there for work and to see family remind me of this every time. Let's look at it from his perspective: Pretty/attractive girl (might be relevant, might not be...) stopped at the side of the trail - let's see if she needs help. After offers of help, she seems interested... I'll express interest... Oops, now she's pulling away - my mistake, I'll go now... Drat, that's too bad, she was kinda nice...oh well... Actually, every book on antropology of dating that I've read speaks of mixed signals as being a turn-on. "Come close-go away". But then, those books might be a bit outdated, maybe it's all different now. I'll suggest that you might need to read some books on modern America, after all that's the culture you're in... However, I think you might be better off to get out and hit the trails, after all their aren't many guys in the books... Mixed signals is never a turn on. Playing hard to get is not mixed signals, but a playful way of letting a guy know that he'll have to work a bit, but that you are interested and worth the pursuit. It's like saying, "Yes I'm interested, but you're not trying hard enough. " How did I know he was dying to make a next step? Come on, ladies (and gents), don't you know it when someone is interested? The body language, the combination of insecurity/uncertainty and showing off, circling around me clearly undecided which direction to go, turning his body towards me, the inquiring, searching look, hyper attentiveness, mirroring my reactions: a smile and a slightest change in my intonation, and he'd come closer/say something warm, a bit of cool-off in my side and he becomes more aloof... you know when it's not a usual casual chat. Besides, cyclists just don't stop to chat all that much do they? Not after the initial "are you OK?". So he did all that and you still think it's on him for riding away when you pulled away? Sheesh, what's a guy got to do? He obviously (according to your description) sent as many signals as he could that he was interested, without making himself look like a fool, and you pulled away. How do you expect a guy to react? Seriously, what do you expect, because you seem to think that the vast majority of us have it wrong...?

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Why are men so darn... respectful? Posted: 5/22/2008 5:54:38 PM
Because they're nice guys? Because they're tired of getting shut down by women who aren't? Because they forgot to drag their knuckles and grunt? Because he actually respected you...? See. You. Next. Time? If you can't say those four words, you really aren't that interested. :-( Sad, but true. The reality that ladies have to deal with is one of their own creating. Most guys would rather miss a chance at a pretty lady responding favourably if there is any doubt she might respond negatively. When the chance exists that someone might shoot you down in flames most people (not just guys) would rather find someone who presents a simpler/clearer solution. If you're interested in him, tell him. If you can't do that, then you aren't really interested in him, are you? If you're not sure, it's up to you to create a situation where you can figure it out. In the OP's case, simply asking if he used this trail often, or if he knew of any similar would have created an opening for him to respond. I don't see any mixed signals. Being sweaty while biking isn't mixed, it's expected. She (non-verbally to be sure) told him she wasn't interested and he acted appropriately by giving her the space she seemed to be asking for. If she was interested, any of the following actions would have worked: Look him square in the eyes and say "(290) 345-7897 - use it or lose it." :p Joke - "We'll have to stop running into each other like this, people will talk." - with a smile. "See you tomorrow?" - with a smile. Any time a lady says something nice while looking at you and smiling, a guy will take it as a good thing. If she doesn't, expect him to bail. Hints are for cowards, confident people speak their minds. Yes, you will occasionally be rebuffed, but that's the price you pay for taking a chance. It's better than living with what if's and might have been's. OP - by some odd coincidence I saw your profile earlier today and thought - Damn moat. ;-)

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

I see a lot of speculation regarding skyrocketing oil prices Posted: 5/22/2008 12:42:05 AM
Seriously? The only reason you could find to post was to pick apart someone's spelling...? Not a single relevant contribution to the topic at hand, just elitist corrections? That's just sad. On topic... The simple reality is that Bio-Diesel/electric hybids are the best short and mid term solution for automobiles. The simplest solutions are best. BD/E Hybrids run on renewable fuel which can be grown just about anywhere, they require less of it, and they are far less polluting than just about any other fuel within reach. They also use the existing fuel distribution networks, which almost no other fuel can claim. Apparently a few auto manufacturers are finally realising this 60+ year old technology has some merits... shrugs

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

Lack of information in profession slot Posted: 5/12/2008 1:58:46 PM
Given how many of the ladies here on Fish have Profiles that are vague in the extreme, I'll have to go with nothing. Although I have gotten far more interest from the ladies when I've listed the more professional aspects of my working life than the humourous bit that is there now. What do you do?/How successful are you? seem to be the two most common questions... It's somewhat amusing how much value is placed on that. :( Seriously? How important is it what a person does to pay the bills, especially when (as one earlier Poster pointed out) there are many tradespeople who are very successful business owners. How much are you really going to get from what a person puts in the little box online? Now how much are you going to get when you actually talk with them and find out what's behind that little box? Who knows where a simple conversation will lead...? Nowhere I guess, if you judge people before you even know their name... :( My grandparents were great friends, despite being from different backgrounds. My dad's dad drove a bulldozer and ran trucking company, whereas my mom's dad was a provincial court judge. Massive differences in education and experience, yet they were good friends. Never once did they go looking for reasons why they shouldn't get along... Yet people here on Fish are so quick to decide that they wouldn't get along with someone of X group. A friend of mine on met her guy on here and he was the exact opposite of her list. No university education, no professional designation, not a single item on her list. He just worked his way from the bottom to the number three position in a rather large technical outfit. All the lawyers and accountants (etc) that she dated before him were (by her estimation) complete duds. Oh well...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway? Posted: 5/5/2008 10:25:31 PM
Lying = bad. No two ways about it. Now you get to decide just what it means to you, both in the areas of lying, and in the age difference. Age differences don't bother me, but lying certainly does.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 51 (view)

Should you lend friends money ?? Posted: 5/5/2008 4:02:54 PM
Tough call. I seldom borrow, but I've lent over the years, sometimes several thousands of dollars. Once I had to write it off, and I knew it was the cost of finding out who my real friends were. Since then it has only been for specific things as a helpful bridge, as others have helped me in similar situations. Very few times have I ever had to ask for anything back, as it has almost always been returned quickly and gratefully. Because of this, I have a small group of friends who can count on each other occasionally on the financial side of things. On the other hand, most of us run our own small businesses, so we understand the issues each other is facing. Basic rules: Have a due date. Don't lend if you can't afford to lose it. Decide before you lend it if not getting it back will ruin the friendship. I'll likely keep doing it, but the circle I'll do it with keeps shrinking...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

POF liaison Posted: 5/3/2008 2:04:52 PM
Overall, no. They likely have the restrictions for a reason. If you like them that much, you can always Favourite them and hope they'll take a peek... About the only reason I could see would be if I wanted to make an admiring comment on something they said in the Forums that stood out and they had a distance restriction (and that's it), but then I'd still likely use the Favourites route, or make another Post here and mention it with a comment to email me. a) Respect their choices. b) See 'a'.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Men saying they are so interested. Posted: 5/3/2008 2:02:10 AM
This sort of generalising is about as useful and as truthful as saying that all women want is someone to pay their way and take care of them. Why is it always about looks/sex for men and income for women? Well, quite simply it isn't. Neither approach is useful, nor accurate and only serves to perpetuate negative stereotypes. Seriously, who really cares about the people who aren't interested in you? If you smile at someone in a coffee shop and they don't smile back, do you take them to task, or do you shrug and get on with your life? There are as many reasons for why people do things as there are people and just as many women stop calling as men. Maybe their roommate didn't pay the internet bill, maybe they're out of town on work, maybe they though it was your turn to call and they're waiting - trying to avoid sounding pushy, maybe they're on vacation, maybe they met someone and are off on a whirlwind romantic cruise, maybe they chickened out, maybe they died, maybe they simply realised that you two weren't connecting but couldn't put it into words... Likely you'll never know, but does it really matter that much since it's pretty obvious they aren't the one for you? I've had a few ladies here who I've been talking with who have simply disappeared. No log-in here, on IM, nothing. Do I get all bent and twisty? Nope, I get on with life because I know they obviously weren't the ones for me, because if they were, they would have made the effort to keep in touch. One day you'll find the right one, maybe here, maybe somewhere else...who knows? Cheers and good luck.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Hurt games men play on this site, any other women experienced this? Posted: 5/1/2008 3:44:36 PM
I don't think there is a restriction on who treats people poorly...I've known just as many men as women, and younger people as older people doing it. Usually it has to do with a past hurt and a feeling of either despair due to a recent hurt or invulnerability due to the anonymity of the Internet... Accept that they're doing the best they can at that moment and move on with your own life. :-) People are generally attracted to positive, upbeat people, so carry on being like that and you'll find someone who likes you for who and what you are. Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Spotting a POFer on the street Posted: 4/30/2008 9:18:45 AM
Like missybehaving, I'll nod and say Hi. and give them the opportunity to respond unless their behaviour indicates otherwise. Who knows, they may be about to meet someone who wants to know who this seemingly random guy was. As well, just because you recognised them, doesn't mean they'll recognise you. They may be uncomfortable being approached out of the blue as it were. If they respond to the Hi., then perhaps we'll keep talking, otherwise I'll likely send an email later to follow up. Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

I don't understand whyonline guys can't be respectful Posted: 4/25/2008 11:44:11 AM
The only reason they're doing it is because on some level it's working. Anonymity gives them the false courage to try, but the results give them the encouragement to continue. As noted, they can blast their message out to hundreds of women. If they only get one positive response, well that's more than they had before they started, and since their cost was zero, they figure they're ahead of the game. Think of them as the junk mailers of internet dating. They don't care if they only get a 2% positive return, because the cost/benefit ratio is so much in their favour, they'll keep doing it. The time spent doing a copy-paste barrage is less than it would be to actually read through profiles and target their messages, so they figure they're ahead. Sadly the other 98% have to put up the junk mail. Just like you would leave a no junk mail note for the post office, just block/report them and get on with enjoying your life, rather than worrying about someone you don't like anyways... Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Attractive. Does that describe you? Posted: 4/24/2008 12:37:41 PM
Does it describe me? That depends on the person making the observation. I'm attractive to some, unattractive to others. Does it dissuade me? Depends on the context of the rest of the Profile. Perhaps, perhaps not. How do I view them? Again, it depends on the rest of the Profile. This one snippet isn't enough to form a fair evaluation. Does it come up? I don't know if it would, but I do know that it hasn't. I've never been told that I'm unattractive, just that, well here's how an attached friend of mine put it: "...you make a better 'husband' then you know considering it is so easy and so comfortable to lean on you..." So everyone just wants to be friends, and some see the husband aspect, but no one seems to see that bit in the middle. Does that mean I'm unattractive as a boyfriend? You'll have to ask the ladies, because I don't have that answer. I know the ones who I find attractive think I'm a great friend and that I'll make a great husband...for someone else.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Mad, Passionate, Extra-ordinary Love Posted: 4/21/2008 12:38:38 PM
Yes it does exist, although I'd suggest that perhaps it's bilateral delusion. I've had this conversation with many of my female friends and it always seems to come back to this: Spark, passion, whatever you call it is great for the short term, but the rollercoaster makes for a terrible relationship over time unless you can build a solid friendship to support it. Without the solid friendship, it just won't last. With the solid foundation, you can ride forever. When people can't be friends after the relationship ends, it's because they haven't been friends for some time, and that is why the relationship is ending... The irony is that the ladies I know who are the happiest are the ones who turned a solid friendship into a passionate relationship. They are the ones who are there for him as much as he's there for them. The ones who are eternally pursuing spark/whatever are the ones always crying on my shoulder because another relationship that used to be full of fire and passion has fizzled and died. The vast majority reveled in the attention he gave them, but forgot that it's a two way street and that his needs are just as important as hers. Whatever you put first, lasts the longest. Put the relationship first, or put yourself first? Your call. When you find someone who also puts the relationship first, you're well on your way. Love is wonderful, love is grand, but love means loving yourself and the other person equally. It also means finding someone who treats you the same way.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

passwords in the emails!! Posted: 4/21/2008 12:39:39 AM
It doesn't have to be anything as sinister as that. Making negative assumptions about someone you've never met isn't a very good approach to a dating site now is it? Actually the issue is more that most people don't give any thought to using different passwords, or to changing them periodically. Many people use a single password with fairly low complexity for everything and never change it. Since (at least to my searching) you can't change your Fish password, it's not good if you use it for anything else. :( Hackers couldn't care less what's on here, but they do care about your personal banking and identity information. If you use the same passwords here and other places (heck most people don't even secure their wireless networks ) then simply scanning your email opens your personal business for anyone with a little determination and some skill. Markus makes millions of dollars off of advertising to us, the least he could do is provide the minimal security that is considered industry standard. Encoding them (or not sending them at all) in emails, and letting us change them would be a huge step. Until then it's only a matter of time before some enterprising hackers realise there are literally millions of open passwords tied to emails just lying around Markus' servers...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

passwords in the emails!! Posted: 4/20/2008 4:57:26 PM
That would be anyone who believes that anything is truly secure on the Internet... Actually just about anyone with a modicum of computer ability and the desire can get your passwords from the emails sent by Markus. I'll suggest that people refrain from commenting on topics they really don't know much about. I know people in Information Technology who have, as their entire job, the task of penetrating security. Quite simply Markus' practice of sending passwords in the clear in emails contravenes even the most basic fundamentals of Internet security. Given the thousands of people using this site, it surprises me I've only heard of a few profile jackings.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it... Posted: 4/19/2008 2:45:17 PM
1) Realise that life is 10% what happens, 90% what you do about it. Don't give others the power to dictate how you feel. Decide these things for yourself. 2) People like your ex (whatever he was) try to drag people down to their level rather than helping to build them up. Sad but true that there are people like this out there, but we all run into them from time to time. 3) Worrying about a single comment made by a person you obviously don't respect sounds like a silly way to live your life. Solutions: 1) Find the good in your life and focus on that. 2) Surround yourself with people who support you. Stop seeing those who don't. Seriously, if they drag you down, just stop seeing them. 3) Remember that you decide how you will feel today, no one else. Sometimes it's hard, but there it is. Hope it gets better for you.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Have the old fasioned values gone , What happened to LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.... Posted: 4/17/2008 4:32:36 PM
Sad but true. I dated a girl last year who broke it off after I said "I was willing to work at the relationship". Her response was that she "...didn't think a relationship should involve work...". I hope she finds happiness, but I have my doubts. Fortunately the ladies these days have the option of leaving, whereas in the past (pre-Boomers) their options were much more limited. The unfortunate other side to the coin is that the expectations of both men and women have been notched up several levels to the point where very few actual humans can live up to the standards laid down by the media and Hollywood. These days we're all expected to step off the set of Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives with our six figure salaries, $100 haircuts, $2000 outfits, no baggage, and a fleet of people who handle everything that is remotely boring or icky. It's TV, people, it's a FANTASY... Maybe that's why I find the most interesting people tend not to have cable... Sadly, sites like this perpetuate the idea that it doesn't matter if the person you meet isn't perfect, because there are a thousand more waiting online for you to email them. Why put any effort into a relationship that is close when you can just keep looking for perfect? The ironic part of the whole thing is that the most common thing that I hear women looking for is spark (fire/passion/whatever), yet every one I've asked has said that every time they've started with spark in the past, the relationship has ended badly. The ones who seem to be happiest over time are the one who enjoy the slow comfortable burn that they can turn up or down as needed. Food for thought... Oh well, I'm getting back out in the sun where the people are...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 61 (view)

Do people really spend hundreds on a date? Posted: 4/16/2008 10:49:14 AM
Just your assumptions... Erm....so knowing nothing about me you come to this conclusion...how? You may have heard things upon which to base your opinions, but certainly not from me. The newby, as you call her, doesn't see my place inside the first couple of months unless she demands it, nor do I expect to see hers. Your assumptions of my wants are not only wrong, but offensively so. Sadly the anonymity of the Internet allows people to behave like this. Fortunately it also allows for ignoring people who behave like this. Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Talking about sex before even meeting Posted: 4/15/2008 1:30:33 AM
Well for starters, respect is personal. What one person finds respectful, another may find disrespectful. It has a great deal to do with background, but it also includes religion, relationship history, expectations, and more. Disrespect doesn't really happen until you tell someone you find their behaviour disrespectful. Until that point, they're simple going on what they've learned so far. If someone were to bring up a topic you found unpleasant and insisted on talking about it after you expressed your feelings, now that would be disrespectful. Finding out where your boundaries are is not disrespectful, quite the opposite. Ironically one of the ladies I know on here has a few things listed in her profile as disrespectful, yet when we were talking about them one day, it turned out that she didn't even understand what half of the terms were, she'd just heard them used in a negative sense. When I explained what they actually meant, it turned out that she quite enjoyed several of them... Go figure. It's amusing that all of the focus so far seems to be on what guys are doing... At least half of the women I've talked with who have wanted to meet have been quite open about their sexual expectations by their initiation. It's one of the great things about talking with mature women (generally over 30), they speak their minds. If they want to know something about you, they ask, if they don't want to talk about something, they say so. If you respect them, they respect you, if not they move on to someone who will. It's one of the reasons I have so many female friends, because I have the utmost respect for them. Ironically, I've had several ladies express their opinion that we wouldn't connect because I wasn't open to alternatives or aggressive enough for them. I've also had a few who wanted some form of reassurance that I could match them in the imagination department. Interestingly enough, but I'd never considered writing erotica until a lady I was seeing suggested it. So far every lady I've told about it has expressed interest in reading it... So much for guys being the ones with sex always on the brain. Ladies I've known, worked with and been friends with for decades put the lie to that notion. The whole point (I hope) isn't to point fingers at people who don't work for you, but to find someone who does. :-) I know I don't appeal to a huge range of the ladies out there, just like most of them don't appeal to me. That's why there are so many different types of us, so we can each find someone who compliments us. Cheers. PS: it's funny Sapphire, but the only time I've ever heard that question, it's been from the girls...go figure.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

He is jealous of my male friend Posted: 4/14/2008 7:21:03 PM
Erm, sbnt - two posts above yours is the OP... More information...always helpful. :-) When you call him your lover, what are we to presume? To me that's quite a bit more than just someone I had sex with a few times...there has to be some romance in there somewhere (thus lover ). So he was more of a friends with benefits and the physical benefits have been absent for 8-9 years? Big difference between that and and ex-lover. Would I have an issue with that? It would depend on how long we'd known each other before you headed off on your first trip, and if I'd have met this friend of yours. The better I knew you and him, the less likely it would be that I'd have issues. Had your former boyfriend (who didn't object) met this person first? IE was the first visit you going there, as it seems is the case this time? That may have something to do with it... His (new guy) refusal to meet your friend will likely be an issue, especially if he puts controls on your visits. Sounds like both of you are making some effort, but not enough to meet in the middle... :-( Anyone who is of the firm belief that men and women can't be friends without a sexual component is an idiot. There are just as many women who can't handle having guy friends as there are men who can't handle having women as friends. It has nothing to do with men or women and everything to do with maturity and respect. I have many female friends, and most of those friendships exist without a sexual component. On the other hand, I'm sure one or two of my female friends wouldn't object to being intimate with me (I'm sure because a few have told me over the years). Fortunately we are mature enough and respect each other's circumstances and get on with our lives and enjoy being friends. You get to pick who you want to spend energy on having in your life. Pick the ones who make you happy. :-)

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Do people really spend hundreds on a date? Posted: 4/14/2008 12:43:36 PM
Well context is everything. For starters those prices are average where I live, neither expensive nor upscale. Recent dinner out for three at a nice (but not expensive) place: Soda - $2.50 Tapas Platter - $16 Rib Eye - $28 Sangria - $6 3 Dip Med Bread - $7 Chicken Spaetzle - $15 Sangria x2 - $12 Crab/Shrimp Cake - $10 Baked Brie Salad - 13 Total - $109.50 Tax - $7.50 Tip - $20 So, per person it was about $46 for a nice meal - appys, entrees, drinks and a good tip for good service. We went elsewhere for dessert on purpose which added another $30 to the tab, so $56 each in total for a nice night out with friends. We don't do it all that often, but one of the girls was having a birthday just as she left for a couple of months.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Do people really spend hundreds on a date? Posted: 4/14/2008 10:05:08 AM
Define date. First date? Likely not. Heck we're still figuring out what each other likes... Date with someone you're serious about? Why not? Dinner has run me upwards of $180 with wine, fixings, and tip and the ballet later was about $150. Her birthday was about $800 including the carriage, dinner and a day at the spa. Sadly the challenge seems to be finding the lady who appreciates the time spent, not just the amount spent. :-( The ones who enjoy a night at home, just as much as a night out. It seems far too many want to be seen and have something to brag to their girlfriends about, rather than enjoying the company for what it is... On the other hand, if they were paying, I guess I wouldn't mind so much, but finding one of them is an even greater challenge... So there you have it. Yes it happens, the regularity depending on the circumstances and the people. Would I do it all the time (ie more than once a week)? Unlikely, as I prefer to cook, but that's me. Do I enjoy it with the right person? Absolutely. Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

He is jealous of my male friend Posted: 4/13/2008 3:19:02 PM
Let's be clear here, your boyfriend doesn't have issues with you seeing your friend, he has issues with you spending the weekend with your ex-lover (your words). Rather a significant difference. He's not just another guy, but one you have a long and intimate history with. Assuming you want to keep your new boyfriend in your life, I'm thinking your first priority should be to introduce these two guys. While they may never become pals, you should be making the effort to include your boyfriend in what you're doing, especially since it has become a source of friction. Of course it all comes down to who you want in your life. Some people will attempt to place demands on us that just don't mesh with how we want to live our lives. I think that you are unreasonable to expect anything to remain "...the way it always was...", after all you used to be intimate with your ex-lover, but you aren't anymore. That changed, as have many other things in your life. You seem to expect your new boyfriend to do all the accommodating...perhaps you should try meeting him halfway...? I think that it would be unreasonable for your new boyfriend to dictate how you spend your time, however, what appears to be the issue is you spending the night with your ex-lover. He has conceded that day trips would be acceptable. Admittedly a long way for a single day, but that's for you to decide. One point which hasn't been addressed is your ex-lover's relationship status. Is he seeing someone? Has he had any long-term relationships since you broke up? Information like this might reassure your boyfriend that he isn't seeing you for reasons other than friendship. And yes, I've had similar issues with women given the large number of female friends I have. Some are okay with it, some aren't. Such is life...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Can My POF Account Get Hacked? Posted: 3/27/2008 7:51:45 PM
Can you get hacked? Bottom line? If you're online, then of course you can. If you aren't taking active measures to protect yourself, then you are vulnerable. Just like locking your doors when you leave your house, you are responsible for making sure your online identity is protected.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Dating someone in the military, Does it ever getting any easier? Posted: 3/27/2008 11:33:01 AM
After reading your profile, I'm wondering if you'll even be around when he gets back... Seriously, starting off with "...he's in the army, but he's never around and I need some company..."? and now that bit is gone in the time it took to write this? Not sure what you're looking for here, but if you're serious about being there for him, you need to be clear about that in your profile. I've got over three dozen buddies spread from Afghanistan to the Gulf right row, none of their spouses or girlfriends/boyfriends are out dating, and all of them are quite up front about being in a relationship.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

1st Date Expecting Dutch without discussing beforehand Posted: 2/24/2008 1:56:48 PM
In my world, whoever asks/invites pays - unless there is a prior arrangement (private club, membership, tickets, etc) that both people understand. When I ask, I always plan to cover all the costs of the evening. If that changes as we go, so be it. There have been times where I've had a fairly extreme mismatch in finances, and in those cases the more well off person (usually me ) ends up picking up most (if not all) of the expenses...but that was my choice and I made it freely. Ironically I've never had a lady fail to offer to cover her share, and very few who get touchy when I don't take them up on the offer. Sometimes in order to keep it stress free, one can pay for part (say dinner), the other can offer to pay for another part (say the show/etc). That way no one is fumbling with change or calculating who had which drink... Sadly, I have met a few princesses who expected a free ride , but fortunately the ride was fairly short... I've heard some horror stories of people going out, letting the other person put down their half, then dropping a 2for1 coupon and getting a free meal. If you're going to do that, never do it as a surprise and at least split the paid side so you both benefit, but realistically...save the coupons for when you're with friends or in the relationship... If you're that broke, go for a walk in the park and have a coffee. Anyways, there's my two bits. If you ask, it's your treat. If you get asked, offer to share the load, I guarantee they won't be offended unless you make a scene. We're all adults here, if we all pitch in and do our best, our relationships will be in much better shape and last far longer. If you think that the other person has to prove something...you'll find the pond pretty small indeed.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Public Affection.. Hrm? Opinions on it? Posted: 1/8/2008 11:58:31 PM
In my experience it generally comes down to one of two things: 1) The person hasn't actually committed to you (regardless of what they've said, actions speak louder than words), is still looking, and doesn't want to seem to attached to you. 2) The person really is a cold fish, which speaks loud and clear about where it's going if you want a relationship that has that level of contact. Personally, public affection isn't something I look at on the need level, but it sure is nice most of the time. When it's absent or withdrawn, I take it a sure sign that something is fundamentally wrong if you hope to remain or move past anything more than friends. But then many of my female friends enjoy walking arm in arm with me when we're out, so maybe I'm biased...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 172 (view)

Telling versus Hinting with Men Posted: 8/1/2007 11:48:58 AM
Regardless of how anyone thinks it should be, at the end of the day this is how it is: *It is the responsibility of the sender* to ensure the message is understood.** If they don't get the hint, it's because you aren't sending it in a way that means anything to them. It is the responsibility of the sender to make sure that the message is in a form that the intended receiver can understand. If you can't do that, then you aren't communicating, you're just talking to the air. If you aren't getting what you want from your messages, the only place to look is in the mirror...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

The Canadian Supreme court border search ruling Posted: 7/25/2007 5:33:13 PM
I disagree with not allowing Charter provisions at border crossings. They should apply everywhere in Canada, including the borders. However, when the drug dog indicates, that's enough probable cause for me. The driver/owner should be allowed a simple choice: Impounding of the vehicle while they call their laywer and the customs people call for a warrant or consent to an immediate search. The government should be liable for any and all damages caused during the search if contraband is not found.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

If everyone cared! Posted: 7/25/2007 2:14:24 PM
Everyone has their own definition of caring and they do care, in their own way. All relationships are based on a balance of giving and receiving. It's up to you to find the person with whom you have the best match of giving and receiving. No single person will give you everything you need from a single relationship. It's up to you to be open and honest and decide what you need from people and what you can give. I've known many people who have relationships that others simply can't understand, but if it works for them, why the heck not? Some people think that providing a home and money is caring, while others think it means providing a clean house and a hot meal (notice how you sexualised those roles...?). Some couples split the chores, while others segregate them. Each set of partners does what they think is caring for the other. It's up to each of us to find the match for us... Best wishes.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 83 (view)

Are women marketable after age 30? Posted: 7/25/2007 1:58:21 PM
OP: You and your roommate need to get out more. Being 36, I'm usually (there have been exceptions) not even interested in women in their 20's. Seriously, when the profile reads: "I like chillaxin, beer, partying, dancing, clubbing , 4x4ing on the beach, UFC , and hanging with my friends." Where in there do you find a woman who is actually interested in getting her Masters, changing the world for the better or even simply making a mortgage payment? Women in their 30's (generally, again) have a fairly good idea of where they want to go and who they want to go with. That's what I'm attracted to... Oh and red hair, but that's my insanity, so leave me alone.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Is it a Macho thing? Or is it really about his Work Posted: 7/23/2007 3:02:27 PM
It sounds like you two have a good thing, as long as you're patient and let him work it out on his end. If work keeps getting in the way, you may have a choice to make, but if you're content to wait and see how it works out, you may have a catch here. Since he knows how special you are, it seems he's making the effort to make it up to you. Good luck and best wishes.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Is it a Macho thing? Or is it really about his Work Posted: 7/23/2007 2:16:21 PM
a) Ask him. b) There is no 'b' As a business consultant, sometimes I deal with people riding the line and wondering if they can afford to turn down work. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can't. It depends on the client (some you simply don't turn down), the urgency (can it wait until after the weekend, or is he already booked for three weeks?) and your flexibility. If you want this releationship to go anywhere you need to sit down with him and talk about it. Is he always going to run off to work, even when you have plans, or was this a special case of going the extra mile for an important customer (large fleet, big account)? Likely he wanted to be able to contribute to the expenses of the weekend and saw this as a way of compromising to get the best he saw possible. Most responsible people like to at least attempt to pay their own way, especially in the getting to know you stages. Be thankful that he's responsible enough to make the effort and to not sponge off of you. I'd have a sit down (in person only!) and openly explain your position and ask for his. Cheers.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Does it really matter who makes more money??? Posted: 7/20/2007 2:45:50 PM
Surely there are more important things in a relationship between two mature adults...? Like who gets the remote... Never cared myself, can't see that changing. On a similar topic, if it makes more sense for me to stay at home and look after the kids, I'd do that as well. Whatever it takes to make it work.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

A woman I dated briefly wnts to date me and her current boyfriend Posted: 7/20/2007 12:00:27 PM
Of course there is more to the story... Quite simply they don't stand on their own two feet because other people keep taking up the slack and doing everything for them... Think about it, how many people would turn down free money? That's what she's used to. Unfortunately she thinks that abuse is an acceptable part of the package, which it never is. Been in your shoes, not a good place to be. You can only help, you can't do it for her. She must take the first steps and meet you at least half way. If she won't do that, she isn't ready to be part of a strong relationship. Sad, but true. When she's ready to leave him and partner with you rather than drain you, then perhaps, but until she can make that committment, stay away or there will be two or three sad stories instead of just one.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 91 (view)

Reports of unethical or fraudulent experiences w/ True.com? Posted: 7/18/2007 1:32:24 PM
Let's see... During my short time with True in 05/06... Bait email to get me in - check Bot driven winks from unsuspecting women - check Difficulty terminating membership - check Useless customer support - check True billing my credit card for four months after termination of membership - check Having to cancel my credit card to stop True becasue they refused to halt billing - check Not getting a fefund for the $200+ - check Never dealing with True again - priceless.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

So they want me to post here before I delete this account Posted: 7/15/2007 1:46:41 AM
Uhm, yeah. Well you're right it is you. You get out of a relationship in proportion to what you put in. That means if you want to get invited to functions, start inviting people to your functions. If you aren't doing anything to be interesting, don't expect other people to be interested. And the fastest way to get people interested in you is to demonstrate interest in them. People enjoy it when those around them are upbeat and enjoying what is happening... something I frankly don't see in you. Start having fun. If you aren't having fun, start faking it and you may have some by accident... I don't see anything scary, but I do see mopey, which isn't attractive. Find some activities that you enjoy and join a club that does those things. Don't go looking for romance, simply get out and enjoy yourself and you'll be surprised at the number of people who will be attracted to you simply because they want to be around others who are having fun.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

did i do the right thing? Posted: 7/13/2007 12:59:22 AM
Bearing in mind that we only have one side of the story... While you aren't a horrible person by any stretch, I'm not sure that you made the right move in this case. After all, he (apparently) did say that he didn't want to start anything because of his concern for you, at which point you turned your back on him... You may have made the best move for you, but I doubt is was the best move possible. Good friends are hard to come by and it sounds like you just ran one out of your life. From his perspective, being abandoned by someone he's known for seven years isn't likely to make anything easier... I just can't fathom abandoning a friend that easily...

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

How do I get him to ask me out Posted: 7/7/2007 1:44:27 PM
It. Blows. My. Mind. how many people expect someone else to do the work so they can benefit....and no that's not aimed at the OP... If you like someone, ask them out. The worst that can happen is they say no and you carry on with life. The best think is a long loving relationship with lots of fantastic sex! It's not like you're asking him to get married, it's dinner / a picnic / a play / a walk / etc for crying out loud! Do you know that he sees you as the initiator? Maybe he missed your first cue and thinks he started things and is waiting for you? That happens a lot with guys, more than you might think... Maybe you missed one from him even earlier....it happens... He put his number in your phone on purpose and gave you the opportunity. It's up to you to take it or leave it.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

It was right but it still hurt Posted: 7/6/2007 1:47:10 AM
Yup. Been there done that. Personally I would have moved on sooner because I don't see what you had as a relationship where both partners were working towards the same goal (a strong relationship), but that's me. I agree that it was unhealthy and that you are both likely in a better place because you've gotten on with your lives. Sometimes all the options simply suck. However by making a choice you give yourself the opportunity to get on with life and grow because of what you've learned. Good luck and best wishes.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

would you date a girl fighter? Posted: 7/5/2007 9:38:06 AM
Every girl I've dated has been physically active. Some rode mountain bikes, some were in martial arts, all had the potential to get bruised or broken. Not really a big issue as the fitter you are the faster recovery happens. When she walks around with that level of confidence and strength, no one's going to think that you hit her. Personally my biggest concern would be that she's in a sport where getting hit is a normal part of it, rather than accidental. But then I take a dim view of boxing, UFC, and the rest anyways, regardless of who's involved. Beating on someone so some rich guy can make millions isn't my idea of a sensible business arrangement, but some people like it, so who am I to judge? Overall, it would be neither a plus, nor a minus to me. It would still come down to how well we got along overall and how attracted we were to each other. If I felt that she was being taken advantage of within her chosen sport (same as I would with anyone, regardless of the sport), I'd speak up and encourage her to re-examine her choices, but I wouldn't try to live her life. Cheers and best wishes.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

the jolt of a lifetime... Posted: 7/4/2007 10:29:11 PM
Yup, felt it. Didn't seem to have any impact on whether or not we had a relationship or how long it lasted. Personally, I think you're being silly. If you like her, tell her how you feel and deal with the results. If she likes you and you two go out, then you both win. If you let your pride rule the day, you both lose. If she turns you down, you may lose her as a girlfriend, but you'll be better off...at least that's how it's worked for me. Cheers and best wishes.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

men.. your honest opinion please Posted: 7/4/2007 2:11:17 PM
When I'm interested, she knows it. Now he and I aren't the same guy, but given your record with him, I'd say this doesn't have the hallmarks of a stable long-term relationship. Try this question on for size: Do you want to be with him or did he simply represent aspects of the man you do want? Since you only saw him 2-3 times a week without discussing the future or your feelings (not a ringing endorsement in my books) , would it work 7 days a week? If you're up for that sort of work (and potential heartache) then go for it. If not, I think you're already in the right place and simply need to move forward. Good luck and best wishes.

homeonthecoast

Joined: 4/8/2007

Msg: 1498 (view)

Has anyone been brave enough to meet someone with no pic at all? Posted: 7/4/2007 1:33:26 PM
Yes I have. Good experiences both times. Nothing that went anywhere, but they were nice ladies and we enjoyed coffee. I'll also say that so far every woman I've met who has had a picture has looked better in person. Some of them way better. Although I've been told the same, so who knows.

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