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Thread: avoiding the friend zone

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

avoiding the friend zone Posted: 5/4/2009 12:54:31 PM
Yeah, I agree with Janet, she's likely to be wondering why you haven't gone in for the kiss. We worry about the friend zone as well, trust me.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 213 (view)

leashes? Posted: 5/3/2009 10:46:40 AM
I am a single mother with two kids. My youngest has Autism. I have to very careful when in a crowded place with him. There is always a chance he will try and run off if he sees the opportunity. I've tried my best to teach him not to do that. He listens when I tell him to stay close, or to come back to where I am standing. I know where he is at all times. It's not easy, not by a long shot, but it's my job. I swore before I had kids that I would not leash them like a pet, and I have never felt a need to. I work hard to teach my kids to behave appropriately, and that means not wandering off. Yes, it's difficult to be out and about and keep and eye on them at the same time, but it's what I have to do. I'm raising kids, whom I want to grow up to be independent and responsible, keeping them on a leash would be counter-productive to this.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

what do I do now? Posted: 5/1/2009 2:04:48 PM
I'd had called as well, and I would continue to call whenever I saw/heard anything like that again. Many times when someone being abused finally tries to get help they aren't believed because they have never reported the abuse before. If something serious happens in the future, the police will at least have neighbor complaints on record to help them figure out what's been going on. You never know, the day you choose to ignore it, could be the day something terrible happens, then you'd really have something bad to feel about.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

How soon do you let the person you're dating known you have kid(s)? Posted: 5/1/2009 1:58:12 PM
I wouldn't go on a first date before letting the person know I have kids, it just seems like the most honest way to start things off.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Would You Date Your Friends EX? Posted: 4/28/2009 9:50:05 AM
I dated a friend's ex-boyfriend once when I was younger, but their relationship ended in a manner that it wasn't an issue. I couldn't see myself dating a friend's ex-husband though, that's just asking for drama. There are plenty of other men out there, why look for drama.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Was it a date? Posted: 4/27/2009 9:37:57 AM
Separated for 6 years? Is it to much "pressure" to pick the right attorney ? I'm raising two kids completely by myself, he's disappeared and doesn't pay child support. I'm not looking to get married again any time soon, if ever. If he wants to spend money on that, it's his problem. That little piece of paper means nothing to be but an expense that isn't worth my time. Thank you all for your replies, I really just needed to write it down, to tell someone one and such.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Was it a date? Posted: 4/26/2009 8:19:38 PM
RenaissanceMan, there was no kiss, if there had been then I'd had easily known it was a date, even as out of practice as I am :P And yeah, I know I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself, but I have a tendency to do that. Thanks all.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

He's still fishing after dating for 4 months... Posted: 4/26/2009 6:26:18 PM
What exactly is he doing when he come on the site? I've taken down my profile but I still come on here once and a while to check out the forums. Is he fishing or just looking for something to read? And what did he say after you told him it upsets you? Did he seem to care about how you felt and try to explain himself or did he just shrug it off? I suggest you two really talk about this, so that you know where each other stands and if you're wasting your time.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Was it a date? Posted: 4/26/2009 5:31:18 PM
Ok so recently somebody I knew about 15 years ago found me on facebook. I had actually just seen him in another friend's photo and made a comment that I barely recognized it was him, he then contacted me. So the past month we've been communicating through facebook and then on the phone. Right before last weekend he asked if I wanted to go out on that Saturday and hang out, but it was too short notice for me to get a sitter so I suggested this Saturday, which happened to be my birthday. Last night he picked me up, and took me to a nice restaurant, and then we went to a bookstore and just walked aisle by aisle and talked about whatever subject that particular aisle happened to focus on (it was wonderful for conversation and getting to know our likes and dislikes). After the store kicked us out at closing we went to get some coffee and then headed home. We chatted a bit outside the car while we smoked a cig each, then he gave me a hug wishing me a Happy Birthday and we said goodnight, no kiss. Now I've been separated for 6 years, and I'm a single mom. I've talked to him about the fact that I haven't dated in all this time (so basically haven't been on a date since the 90's!) and that I'm terrified about putting myself out there. Once when referring to us, he used the phrase "whatever it is we are starting here". But we've only talked about hanging out and being friends. Now I'm so confused, I don't know if he's interested but worried about scaring me off, or if he truly just wants to be friends. How do I know if I went on a date last night? :P

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

Did you ever attempt to reconcile with your ex? Posted: 4/1/2009 10:10:52 AM
I've been separated for over 6 years, and once I made the decision to leave him, that was it. I've never once considered going back. He has asked and the answer has always been the same, no way. I gave him plenty of chances while we were together, and we spent a few times apart trying to work things out during the first 3 years of our marriage, but once I decided it was over, I never looked back. I'm looking forward to the day that I can spend the money on getting a divorce or he does, but that little piece of paper doesn't mean anything to me anymore. He's part of the very distant past.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Just the phone so far... Posted: 2/15/2008 1:16:35 PM
I did mention the two times he asked, that I couldn't do things short notice. He didn't complain though. Anyways, I sent him a text today asking if he wanted to go out and catch up today or tomorrow, I would be able to get a sitter. He called me earlier this afternoon, but didn't bring it up. He did say he'd call me back, but if he doesn't bring it up again I'm just going to move on. I'll be happy to continue talking to him, as it's always nice to have a friend, but I think at that point it would be clear it wouldn't be going farther, for now at least. I do hope he calls and wants to give it a shot though. Thanks for the replies all :)

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Just the phone so far... Posted: 2/14/2008 8:30:06 PM
Ok, so this old friend from high school and I find each other online. We haven't seen each other in 15 years. He sends me a message that says " here's my number, don't think about it, just call , and I text him instead. (I get nervous about calling people) we text a bit and that's it. A week later, he calls and leaves me a message, and I actually call him back. We spend most of that day talking on the phone. The next day, nothing. I wasn't sure if he just didn't want to seem too interested or something or if he just wasn't. Or maybe he wanted me to call him. Then today he calls. We talk on and off for a while. I mention online that I want to see a movie, and he calls me to ask which one. I mention one and he looks up the time and says it would start too early for him to make it. I tell him I wasn't actually planning to go tonight. maybe tomorrow. He doesn't bring it up again. What's going on??? I haven't dated in a really long time. I don't know if he's showing interest or just catching up with an old friend. We weren't that close in high school and he did admit recently, online, that he did have a small crush on my back then. I want to go out with him and see if there's a connection in person, but the two times he has suggested we go out I haven't been able to go.. They have been spur of the moment invites and I"m a single mom. I just can't go out without notice. Don't know if I'm actually asking a question here. I know the answer from most would be just to ask him directly if he has an interest, but I just can't put myself out there like that. I don't have the guts for that anymore. I guess I just needed to get this out to someone, since I have no one to talk about it with atm. Just wondering what it all means and where to go from here?

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

singl dad with 13 year old greys Posted: 4/30/2007 11:05:20 AM
I remember being glad when my parents said no to something I didn't really want to do but it got me off the hook...lol...lmao So true! I have considered telling my kids to avoid the peer pressure of drugs by telling their friends I drug test them regularly, even if I don't. Easier than just saying no and getting picked on. We often look back at our teen years and just remember how much fun we had, but those are some tough years.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 125 (view)

are you over your ex? Posted: 4/30/2007 10:17:45 AM
Yes, I'm over him. It's been four years, and I knew when I stopped hating him. Now he's just the father of my kids, and an absent one at that. Only hope I have for him is that he one day figures out how lucky he is to have two beautiful children in this world and he makes an effort to let them know that.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

singl dad with 13 year old greys Posted: 4/30/2007 8:32:10 AM
It all depends on how you approach the conversation. When I was a teen, my mother basically treated me like an idiot with no free will when it came to sex, and when she found out I was having sex, she made me feel worthless. Needless to say, I didn't go to her for advice, nor did I share details of my life with her. I can't imagine what would go through my head if my daughter were thinking about having sex at 13, she's still only 6 :P I would hope that I would approach the subject in a manner that would let her feel comfortable talking to me about it. Try to be non-confrontational, be open to her opinions. Let her know how you feel on the topic, and why, without speaking in a my way or the highway manner. My way or the highway = going to take the highway just to piss you off, to a lot of teens. At this point I can imagine telling my daughter that 13 is not the age to think about having sex because she is going through so many changes at the moment. She needs to know herself better before she gets to know someone so intimately. Do not, and this is important, think that just because you don't want her to have sex she won't. Where there is a will, there is a way, and short of keeping an eye on her 24/7, there is no way for you to be there at all times to stop her. Make sure you let her know the facts (the good and the bad, protection, disease, pregnancy) about sex. Some kids still think you can't get pregnant the first time! Don't confront her on the subject again, just talk to her about it.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

pre teen daughter stuff Posted: 4/30/2007 5:55:31 AM
I'm going to suggest you have her get those blood tests. It could be just hormones and such, but what you describe could also be thyroid disease. Not something devastating, but knowing and being able to treat it will give her back her energy and have her feeling 100% again. Like I said, could be just hormones, I'm just comparing to my own experiences. I hate needles too, but our health is more important, you need to insist she put that first and takes care of herself.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Are there any kinds of professions that women find are a turn off Posted: 4/29/2007 9:05:59 PM
As long as I didn't have to go to work with you, I'd be fine :P We all, well most of us, have to do something for a living. As long as it's honest work, that's all that matters to me.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

What does seperated actual mean?? Posted: 4/29/2007 7:09:36 PM
I'm seperated. What does that mean in my case? I have not lived in the same house as my ex in 4 years, and I have not seen or spoken to him in 2 years. I'm a single mother, with no child support (I did file for child support and it was awarded, he choses not to pay, I chose not to make a big deal about it. I will not force fatherhood and responsibilty on someone who's not capable of either. That won't do my kids any good.). Divorce is not cheap, especially through publication, which is how I would have to go about getting one, since I don't know where he is. I rather spend that money on raising my kids. At this point, it's just a piece of paper. And as far as unfinished business, issues? I waited four years before I considered dating, not because I was hoping we'd reconcile, but because I wanted to focus on my kids and on myself. Only unfinished business as far as I'm concerned is getting that paperwork out of the way, if that ever becomes an issue.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

women and makeup Posted: 4/28/2007 11:17:19 AM
I rarely wear make-up. I now only do it on nights that I dress up to go somewhere, and in small amounts. I treat it more as an accessory to a nice outfit than anything else. And yes, when I wear it the compliments start coming. Eh, what can you do?

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

What do girls want guys to do in the club? Posted: 4/28/2007 11:10:43 AM
"Can I buy you a drink" should still work, although women are wary of taking a drink directly from a stranger these days, maybe ask them if they want to walk with you up to the bar and order it from the bartender? This way you have a better chance to talk as well.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

question about who viewed you section Posted: 4/28/2007 11:06:54 AM
I either look at a profile because a) the picture/age/area caught my attention or b) I read a post on the forums from the person and just want to know about them. It was drilled into me growing up, that men should make the first move, and although I try my best to ignore most of the antiquated advice my mother gave me growing up, it's hard for me to get the guts up to mail someone first. Go ahead and mail them, don't even mention off the bat it's because you saw they viewed you. Just strike up a conversation and see what happens.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

When would the right time be for children to meet who you are dating Posted: 4/28/2007 8:40:53 AM
My ex-father-in-law was a single father when I met him. He dated 3 people in the time I knew him, settling down with the last one. But he introduced his dates to my little brother-in-law (7 at the time) and he would get attached immediately, at one point between girlfriends, my brother-in-law asked me if he could call me mom (he called all his father's girlfriends mom, and his father didn't stop him). I didn't let him, of course. I saw his pain every time his father broke up with a girlfriend. I felt bad for him. I don't want to do the same to my kids. I will not introduce my kids to anyone unless I'm sure it's going to be a long term thing. Kids need stability in their lives, rotating men in the picture is not a good idea, even if you don't date that many.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

finishing your family before 35?? Posted: 4/27/2007 10:25:50 PM
I had my oldest when I was 24 and my second child when I was 26 (coincidently, just how I'd planned). I had wanted to have one more by the time I was 28, but my husband and I separated before then. Now I just turned 31 and although I had decided to not have any kids in my thirties, I'm getting baby pains again. I doubt I'll have any more kids, but I'm not willing to say never just yet, you never know!

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

how to get the ex involved in childrens lives Posted: 4/27/2007 10:11:07 PM
My kids father isn't involved in their lives, totally his choice. Don't try to force it, kids can tell and you really won't be doing them any favors. The best you can do for them is what you've been doing, being a great dad. I applaud you and any man that steps up. Children are the best thing that can happen to us as human beings and I don't know how anyone can do what their mother or my kids father have done.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 135 (view)

How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk? Posted: 4/27/2007 10:02:54 PM
I've been separated for 4 years and in that time my ex has seen the kids a total of maybe 8 or 10 times, none of that in the past 2.5 years. And in these past 2.5 years, they have gotten nothing from him, no phone calls, no birthday cards...nothing. I refuse to speak badly of him to my kids though. I certainly don't praise him, but even though he is a jerk, I will never tell them that. I just use the usual daddy is working through some issues right now, I know he loves you, he just needs to straighten out his life before he can be ready to come back and be the great daddy you deserve. It has NOTHING to do with you! My son never asks about him, he doesn't remember him. My daughter on the other hand was 2 when we separated and was daddy's little girl. She asks about him less now, but she never forgets him and I know it hurts her to not have him around. I just can't imagine not being with my kids, I don't know how he can do that.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Chivarly, ok well Romance?? Posted: 4/27/2007 7:31:48 AM
My ex seemed to only make romantic gestures (i.e. flowers and cards) when in trouble. The one time I remember him being romantic, he did the petals thing and cooked me the one meal he did very well (meatloaf) in the shape of a heart. It was corny, but to me it was wonderful. He did it out of no where, no fight before hand, no anniversary/birthday on the horizon. It is the single romantic thing I remember about him, and one of the few good memories I have. Women often make the mistake of not appreciating the small things that men do to try to be romantic. We forget they don't think like we do, they aren't as focused on making memories. They worry about practical things, and just figure we know how much they care by the daily things they do (work to provide, take out the garbage, yadda yadda) When a guy does even the smallest romantic gesture, I let them know it's appreciated. Unless of course they are doing it because you just caught them in a lie, or something like that. Being romantic only to get out of trouble is not appreciated.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

am i doing the right thing Posted: 4/27/2007 6:28:22 AM
When I separated 4 years ago, I made the choice not to date. And for the last 4 years I have had no interest in dating, but recently I've decided it's time to get out and see if I can find someone to share my life with who's favorite tv show isn't on Nick I have no plans on letting any future dates meet my kids until I meet someone I think I can have a meaningful relationship with and then not until I've dated them for a while and feel I can trust them around the two most important people in my life. My kids depend on me to keep them safe, happy and healthy. I have no interest in confusing them with different men, or letting a man I know little about take advantage of them. I do worry that since my kids have never had another man in their life besides their father (only my daughter remembers him though) and their grandfather and uncles, that they will not be accepting of anyone I end up dating. Although I do know that I would not try to make that person a father figure to them, or insist that they treat him as such. My daughter seemed to get upset/jealous the other day when a friend of mine, who manages a resturant we frequent, kneeled down beside me at the table to chat with me. That scared me to death, I felt bad for her when I looked at her face! I was already thinking of starting to date by then, and I almost changed my mind! I did talk to her though, and explained he was just a friend. I also explained to her that although mommy might make new friends and start spending more time with them, that she and her brother were the most important people to her and I would always be there for them.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 139 (view)

why are men so rude to women, judging them by looks Posted: 4/26/2007 8:20:33 PM
It goes both ways, women can be just as shallow as men. I did see this profile on another site that annoyed me the other day. We seemed to have alot in common, but when I looked at the body type the person was interested in, it said toned, athletic, and under his body type? * a few extra pounds* I don't get how someone who's not in good shape would only want to date people who apparently either take really good care of themselves or are blessed with good genes. I'm aware of the fact that I am a few pounds overweight, and I need to work at that (which I am now, yay me!) I wouldn't be so shallow as to only limit my interests to people who are in shape, I just think it seems hypocritical.

Joined: 4/23/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

Trolling or looking??????????? Posted: 4/26/2007 8:12:01 PM
I'm looking, but I just got here. I think I'm cautiously looking at the moment though, having just decided to start dating after a 4 year separation.

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