When is enough...enough chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: When is enough...enough

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

When is enough...enough Posted: 9/7/2009 6:48:29 PM
RLMAO Capitano you are being very very bad! OP he's kidding....don't go there!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 72 (view)

Child support... Posted: 9/6/2009 4:50:08 PM
OP, For payroll deduction you'll need a court order. There are other issues other than money. Establish paternity Birthing expenses Visitation schedule Visitation limitations (i.e. short visits local, longer visits only during times when school's out for a set number of days with 1 month notice. If a hotel room used 2 beds, if 2 adults in room..i.e. w/girlfriend, then 2 attached rooms at his expense and he must give address, phone number, etc and let you talk to the child when away) Transportation cost Medical bills Insurance costs (in Canada (except Alberta) and in the US if he should take the child to Disneyland). Prescriptions Eyeglasses Dental Disability care for the child (God forbid there is a need) Inflation *Life insurance In order to encourage him to see the positive side of a court order with regards to visitations, the parent can not cross US/Canada borders with a child without a court order providing permission to do so (i.e. visitation schedule). Document EVERYTHING and throw NOTHING away including cards, letters, pictures, hair samples of the child when born, get fingerprints, update pictures at regular intervals . It's amazing how tunes change when circumstances change. Some men can get stupid when desperate. I speak from experience. I NEVER thought that my situation was going to get from bad to worst with regards to custody issues. But I was prepared. 16 years of hell was an education that could have been worst yet averted due to staying grounded in reality not fantasies of hopeful bliss. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

He's Not Him Posted: 9/3/2009 6:51:12 PM
OP, This guy has been on his best behavior with you and you got to see a shadow of what's to come. Do NOT deny your instincts. Do not second guess yourself. You are probably right about this new guy and have reasons to be weary of him. You picked up his vibes and he has difficulty controlling his anger "irritation" once on the path even if you had nothing to do with it, he snapped at you. But there may have been other clues that you are also noticing. He did not share what this friend said in the text that would irritate him as you never mentioned it. Don't obsess about his secrets, know that there are probably plenty you don't know about him. I won't go into my own personal experience too much except to say that listening to my own instincts as subtle as the clues were saved my life about a man I'd met and dated on and off. You deserve BETTER and deserve to be happy. If your instincts/vibes tell you something about him, then put some space between you and him and move on. It's not you...it's him.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

Is having a car really THAT incredibly important? Posted: 8/30/2009 8:30:45 PM
It's not about the car. Ask a New Yorker. It's about manners, consideration and convenience. If you don't have a car, pay for the cab to pick you up, then pick her up on the way to wherever. If you're scrounging inside your pockets and pulling out lint, expired breath mints and some change and expect her to wait with you at the bus stop in pouring rain because you spent your car money on cigarettes and video games... She might get impatient and move on. Off road bicycle rides, ummm, in a dress and heals?

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Another POF member makes the news Posted: 6/16/2009 9:39:09 AM
Thank you for sharing Cotter. See, he was a registered sex offender (very likely) and if he had been banned on this site, your friend and other women would have been spared. There's a function at the bottom of his profile that you can report him to POF and have your friend do so as well. There's power in numbers. Of course, he may just put up a new profile, if he does, report that one as well. Just don't tell him you're doing it otherwise he'll get smart and use nigerian scam tactics with someone else's picture. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Another POF member makes the news Posted: 6/15/2009 11:22:16 PM
You know, Craigslist is a free site also and they were asked to clean up because of crimes committed using Craigslist. I hate to say this, but there have been too many victims and too many crimes committed by people using POF. I've read the forums, from people stealing from trusting dates One woman said one of the guys on POF is a woman beater and she was a victim and he's still on here. To one woman claiming to having been raped SEVERAL deaths, the victims and murderer met on POF Although it's free to us, it's not a non-profit corp. It's ad revenue generated. Maybe cross referencing with registered sex offender registries using face recognition would be a start as well as removing pictures of children (something that several POF'ers have been vocal about) and if someone has been accused of committing a crime (and there's a police report faxed) then the culprit's IP address could be blocked. If POF accomplishes this before the State Attorney General's office have had enough and take the matter in their own hands by filing lawsuits and tying things up in court, POF can show they've done their due diligence to keep people safe. FREE doesn't have to mean completely anonymous. Just my 2cents.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Robbed by Another Fish from this Pond! Posted: 6/15/2009 6:12:02 AM
OP, To stay away from "losers" is too vague for advice. But the common theme is addiction. It is likely what both men had in common was addiction (one could be drugs, the other gamling so sometimes it's hard to tell). So as you experienced, whether you knew the man for a day or a year, the end result is the same. They will steal from you to feed their addiction. It's not personal as they would do that to their families, their friends, their coworkers etc... given the chance. This is why not trusting them with your wallet, your home, your keys is important. Ultimately, trust is over rated. It should be earned, not given nor demanded. Second, I agree, kids (even the mention of kids) on your profile is dangerous. Kids have no business having their pictures on a dating site. Last, as I discussed with someone before, the problem with dating sites is we don't know the person's friends, family and neighbors who can give us character references before we meet. So due diligence is HUGE especially as a single parent. Hang in there.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

How Conditional is Love? Posted: 6/13/2009 8:52:39 PM
As in romantic love, friendship and family true love IS unconditional. You can love the person but not the actions. You can maintain love for someone but put distance between the two of you in order to spare yourself from the pain and suffering caused by this individual. I still miss the good times I've had with dysfunctional family members, friends and lovers who have deceived and betrayed me. I had to let them go. They chose to act in unhealthy manners. I needed sanity. I don't hate them. That's why people stay in abusive relationships, self loathing, guilt, self doubt. That's not love, not for the giver, not for the reciever of abuse. Before you can truely love someone, you have to love yourself first and provide that person with the best of yourself. Require likewise and treat them in kind... loveingly, respectfully, with good intentions.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Make her laugh Posted: 6/12/2009 8:28:00 PM
I agree with Steve as his humor was spontaneous in a stressful setting and in text messaging it was more subtle. However, if he had made 4 or 5 public loud and verbal sarcastic comments with eye rolls inside the restaurant it would have been considered rude even if the same words were used. One example...(over 10 years ago in Florida) I left the coffee shop went to my car and started crying and feeling extremely lonely missing my dysfunctional ex-boyfriend. This is how I felt after a blind date who kept making loud and rude sarcastic blonde jokes one, after another non-stop with a very passive aggressive tone. (I assume his ex-wife who left him for another woman may have been blonde and it wasn't personal) And he was a part time clown (I'm not making this stuff up, swear!) OP, here's the deal. If you want to date a GUY....or with a bunch of guys, the robot voice and the stand up commedy routine will be a big hit. Put out your hat and you might even get a few coins for it. If you're going to be on a date with a lady and out in public. It's a fiasco waiting to happen. We're just trying to honestly spare your next poor victim or the victim of any fool who follows your advice. She will be embarrassed. If YOU do this and are somebody's blind date. YOU will be memorable but under the heading "Top 10 most embarrassing blind dates" only beaten by the denture guy who used the water glass other than for drinking. As for a sense of humor. I have my moments. I've made 2 people pee on themselves from laughing. That's my barometer. But I saved it for friends. Ok, and mechanics. Humor gets you discounts. "Why don't you want to buy a new tire?" Me "'cause I don't want to make the other 3 tires jealous". Or to pass time. "How many men does it take to change a tire?" "Depends on how high your heels are." It's all in context.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 106 (view)

Doing the math: 200/25/0 Posted: 6/12/2009 8:06:43 PM
Kenfla, You're advocating ACTING "cool" aka playing a part/games. He's already doing that and it backfired. Nuff said.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Appearances & Money Matter? Posted: 6/12/2009 2:55:07 PM
OP, I smell something fishy here. First, you're in sales in THIS economy. Doing OK financially means you're waiting on a bonus or commission or sale to come through and living from sale to sale. Second, you had an opportunity to say something about yourself on your profile and you spent half of that space talking about money you don't have "if I won the lottery blah, blah, blah" So I suggest you get the speck of sand out of your eye and admit money is important to you. So important in fact that you made a point to date women who are successful but got upset when they stated they didn't want to support you. "What about 'for richer or poorer'"? You asked? Again you brought up the money. We know you're not richer so obviously you must be asking about the latter. And the "expensive dinner" statement. You could have prepared a picnic and found a cool spot to enjoy. You were trying to impress her with a dinner you couldn't afford. Otherwise, you wouldn't have brought it up. It's not about the car, it's not about the apartment. It's about the false image you're trying to portray and it just doesn't add up and these women can tell. They stated plainly. They don't want to SUPPORT YOU. That doesn't make them gold diggers. Nuff said.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 104 (view)

Doing the math: 200/25/0 Posted: 6/12/2009 2:35:49 PM
OP, First, forget the numbers. Seriously. It may be the 201st date, but it's the first one with this woman and you so be fair about it. It's not fair to assign her that number. It only counts in marriage (wife number 4) then I have to question anyone over wife number 2 as to what these women were thinking or their motives and the man's issues. Also aside from the usual "be yourself" advice, rather than trying to make up for your shyness by being overly "polite". Have fun! Enjoy the experience "in the moment" rather than what the outcome would be. And if you "feel" the attraction DURING the date, mention an event that you would enjoy and think she may enjoy as well (concert, movie, art show) and ask her if she'd be interested. Yes, right smack dab in the middle of the date if you're both having a grand time. If you're not sure, mention something more subtle like book readings on wednesdays at the cafe you're at and maybe she might enjoy it. If she makes excuses but is vague, she's politely turning you down. It's not personal. Sometimes, myself included, I need to step back and think through how I feel about someone when I'm not sure. Maybe something didn't sound genuine and I'm having doubts. Maybe she really is busy. Sometimes timing is off. If you spend several days with no communication and then "touch base" it sounds like Ms. Thursday stood you up and this woman is your back-up. On the other hand, if you want faster results. Date a stalker with obsessive compulsive disorder after she's off her medication. She'll do the chasing.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Make her laugh Posted: 6/12/2009 2:10:45 PM
"All The World's A Stage" You should save the "Act" for stand-up commedy because that's what it sounds like and be your authentic self. You can still be funny. I like a guy who makes me laugh, and brings with him a positive attitude, joy, a sense of humor and laughs with me. But I am suspicious of a guy who wears a "mask" and covers up his insecurities with played out overly synchronized commedy routines. I may laugh, but I'll be more embarrassed (for him). It also smacks of avoidance and manipulation. Try just being yourself.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

Curious about peoples success rate on here... Posted: 5/17/2009 8:03:23 PM
Who you meet a being a fabric of who you are? I disagree. Who you meet is a reflection of where you live. Our town has a high crime rate and a high rate of women & men. People come from all over due to the economy & jobs but also bring baggage, addictions & criminal elements that most are not aware of. There are no families nor friends who know this new stranger in your life. There's very little a person can do to confirm the character of the individual as being consistent. I would venture to say that Urban POF's have less long term success but more frequency in dating than small town or rural POF's. Small town Rural POF's have less frequency of dating but may have more stable relationships. Small town folks are less transient than urban folks. You being from Iowa near farming communities & multi-generational family ties, have a different set of experiencences than some of us do & would probably fare the same in similar situations as the rest of us and vice versa. Feedback?

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

avoiding the friend zone Posted: 5/4/2009 7:22:20 PM
OP, It seems like what you consider to be a bad friend zone she may consider the start of a relationship. Some women, myself included, find love & friendship interchangable. (I'm aquarius...friendship is REALLY important) If you've kissed and then some... She didn't put you in the "Gay friend" category. That's where the NON-romantic friends go. They make great shopping buddies

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Curious about peoples success rate on here... Posted: 5/4/2009 7:17:19 PM
For a while it seemed like a nice place to meet nice people who at times make nice dates or friends. One of them (whom I had known for a year, met on this site, even dated a couple of times) said something funny to the effect, "It's always fun until someone pokes an eye" He ended up being in a murder suicide last December. Both of them met on this site also. Well, that was the end of it for me. I would have deleted my profile except some nigerian scammer may take the name & create a fake me as they do with Hotmail accounts. So I pulled my profile and just occasionally go on the forums. I'll take my chances with the general public at large.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Have you ever recognized someone from POF on the street? Posted: 5/4/2009 7:07:38 PM
Yes, Both I've recoginzed someone (who's picture was the REALLY GOOD version of him and on the bus he looked like a total pothead). I did NOT acknowlege him. I also moved to a place where in conversation with a man outside my complex and we both kept looking at each other in recognition. We were not compatible but became friends although I felt it was a bit intrusive. But we did become very supportive of each other trading dating advice, etc. I would say I've recognized about 4 or 5 men from work, on the street, etc. Funny though, I've had female friends & relatives on this site and I was shocked because I had no idea! It was kind of interesting to learn their point of view, but where co-workers were concerned, I was even more aware and cautious of my forum comments. I don't recommend you unnaturally go upto them though, chase them down & point If you correpond with the person already, you could offhandly mention that you thought you saw someone who looked like them the other day, and let that be that. People still like their privacy until they are ready to share more of themselves.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Men's guilt Posted: 5/4/2009 6:57:05 PM
8soldier I think you hit the nail on the head. There are some single parents who use their children to manipulate others. "See, I'm a nice person, I have kids,why wouldn't you want me?". Having children is not a measure of a person's character. And if they seem creepily stalkerish by trying to "sell" you on the idea of dating them and not respecting your opinion...RED FLAG. However, people are NOT disposable. I've tried to take on a light, polite, fun & conversational approach at times with men that may not have been compatible, but could have been mutually friendly (especially if they are single dads. Mine is grown, but I do have a bag of tips still handy) as I get to know them. It's the ol' all or nothin'. So they get nothing. Seriously, I'm even less tolerant of men who describe themselves as "Single dad" but see their kids every other weekend if they feel like it. I avoid those completely. That's like me putting a band-aid on a knee and calling myself Doctor. Not quite.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

My gf’s crazy fantasy Posted: 4/26/2009 9:49:46 PM
OP, What kind of a sick pervert will post a picture of his kid while asking the sexual question? Children have no business on dating sites. I suggest you spend more time getting child rearing tips and less time endangering your child by showing him off to online predators. Nuff said!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 212 (view)

New Serious Member Feature. Please remove it. Posted: 3/26/2009 12:29:22 PM
OP, I just read an ad of a separated man who is a "Serious Member" . So M-A-R-R-I-E-D men aka Separated men can be considered Serious? Are you Serious? Next we'll see that men looking for "intimate encounter" aka one night stands also are Serious Members if they have the visa card. And there are women who have the Serious Member icon on their profile and never wanted it nor asked for it. Op, The whole concept is on a slippery slide and losing credibility. It will be considered a joke, nothing less and be ignored.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 180 (view)

New Serious Member Feature. Posted: 3/19/2009 10:20:59 PM
"You might even want to offer Elite Service, where you verify the photos and run background checks. It would be easy to do if you signed up with a service, like the ones I have at work where I can run a complete background check. Then you can offer something to all the people who get too emotionally involved with someone prior to the first meeting and don’t know how to grab a quick cup of coffee with someone they met on the internet on the way to the grocery store to clear the fog of the internet, it takes 15 minutes and costs next to nothing. " I agree with above. With all of the scammers, sexual predators, occasional murderers that have the same access to this site as anyone else, it only gets more dangerous. I deleted all of my favorites except relatives and friends because when someone puts you on their favorites they can track the date and time you're online, and I've had someone do that and comment on it and we weren't even dating (even though I was on the forums minding my own business). Also I've blocked quite a few who were rude , threatening or looked like a fake ad. But after having had some really bad experiences bordering on dangerous, I would be willing to pay for a dating site where background checks, police checks, picture checks, id checks etc.. are done otherwise they are all the same. Does it sound extreme? Craig's list is being held accountable on it's personal section due to illegal activities by the district attorney's office in most states now but not before getting sued. Laws are changing holding personal site owners accountable as to whom they let in. It's the trend and when Craig's list doors close, illegal trades will go to different venues including this one. I've talked to men and read on their profiles that they have been approached by prostitutes on this site. So it's not a new phenomenon and the problems will get worst. Men and women would pay for and participate as well as see someone with "Elite" status as the example was made to show they were willing to submit to verification and criminal background check. Must my 2cents.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 147 (view)

Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated Posted: 3/13/2009 8:09:35 PM
It's like marriage karma. There are guys who claim to be separated, but if you ask the other spouse, it's news to them. Then there are guys who SWEAR they are divorced. Then it turns out the paperwork is still not signed. And I love 40somthing to 50something claiming to be SINGLE. Only to find out they are shopping for wife number 3. All 3 have one thing in common. They are liars. Fakes. Relationship toxic. Like breaking a mirror and waiting for the 7 years to eventually run out . They are bad news. And a dime a doze on this site. Single means NEVER married. Separated means they had an arguement and are taking time off to cool down but are still married. Maybe they'll get back together, maybe not. Divorced means the paperwork is signed. Assets are split. Visitation schedules are made for the kids. SEPARATE households with SEPARATE addresses. If you start dating someone who is separated...you'll keep having your life on hold and get caught up on their drama. It's selfish of them to burden someone else with their mess. Clean it up first. Have a full cup to share rather than an empty cup to fill. Nuff said!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

hi evryone who loves hitchin in canada? Posted: 2/18/2009 10:08:36 AM
OP, There's always the ride share on the community sites like Craigslist.org You get to pick the driver if you put an ad or if you answer one. You also get to pick the destination. I realize it takes away the "mystery" of whether you'll be picked up by friend or foe. But at least you have a better survival rate. Of course, screening them even online is recommended. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Cycling New York to San Francisco Posted: 2/17/2009 9:24:01 AM
I recommend finding and reading "The Walk West" which is a wee bit slower than cycling but gives you an idea of what to expect. I recommend finding a group or a couple of other people to do it with. One mishap to a couple of guys who were cycling across the country was that one was hit by a car. I've always dreamed of cycling across the country...I think it's great! The most I've done is 100 miles in Virginia. Oh yeah, pray for a downhill trip! lol Pack Advil and Ben Gay (Advil will help your joints). Make sure your ipod is only in one ear as to hear oncoming traffic. Here's a "bike Umbrella" http://www.bakfiets-en-meer.nl/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/bike-rain-roof1.jpg Enjoy!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

What is the best way to handle it if a date passes gas? Posted: 2/14/2009 6:47:24 PM
I just saw this on FAMILY GUY!!!! Dad wanted to teach his daughter what a man wants. So he made her sit in the car while he passed gas....and told her she had to learn to love it!!!! On another note...ummm, open a window? Laugh and say "Revenge is mine!!!" and go find some guacamole with sour cream and refried beans...... Enjoy, then wait for results. Now with that said, he felt THAT one coming on I'm sure. He should have asked for the bathroom, turn the fan on and spared you. Imagine the next 20 years of your life with this uncouth while having dinner, in the car, during sex.... Need I say more???

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 1017 (view)

I don't care what you write...... Posted: 2/13/2009 8:44:43 PM
I wrote this to reflect 2008. Empty nest, broken heart and the death of a friend. When My Heart Broke The first teardrop of betrayal The last sniff of mortality Of friendship lost and empty lofts tears flow still

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

I Sleep On A Futon Posted: 2/7/2009 10:04:33 AM
OP, I may be going out on a limb here, but the futon question is more about a low self worth. Take care of yourself. Get good sleep (if the futon is uncomfortable, then get an air mattress as suggested) I live on a 3rd floor walk-up. I weigh furniture before I guy it. My mantra "3 flights of stairs" spares me from buying heavy furniture. I got an inflatable air mattress that is 2 foot high, queen size and inflates in 3 minutes. It's like sleeping on a cloud! I LOVE it and the cost savings was huge! I paid $79 canadian. Futons can be uncomfortable for some people. Maybe YOU don't like it, thus you are projecting this feeling onto a potential girlfriend. But it's not the reason a woman wouldn't be interested in you. If you take pride in yourself as a person, pride in your appearance, pride in your home. That means good hygene from the inside out. A clean and uncluttered "HOME" with your completed hobbies on display showing off your personality and a healthy outlook in life. You will attract the right person. Whether you have a futon, air mattress or not. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 128 (view)

What if you were being tracked by your cell phone? Posted: 2/3/2009 5:39:52 PM
Ok, OP... I thought it was through GPS. Instead it's through the phone company employee. That IS stalking and involving someone else illegally. Change phone companies. Tell him the next time he'll be phoning you from jail.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 121 (view)

What if you were being tracked by your cell phone? Posted: 2/3/2009 11:51:39 AM
OP, There's a function on the phone where you can turn the GPS function off but keep in mind that if something happened to you, they would not be able to locate you (police). As for your boyfriend. OK, he told you. Now you know. If you trust him and he's the caring and genuine type and he wants to keep you safe (women do get targetted and disappear a lot in the news), tell him tit for tat and he would have to turn his on and allow you have the same option of knowing his location as well. If he says no. Then get a different phone. And use the old one with for practical jokes. If, however, he's controlling, abusive, threatening and this is one of those moments where he's telling you he knows what you did last night with a creepy tone. Ummm, the cell phone issue is the least of your problems. Get a second phone and leave the old one at the police station. File a report and find a different boyfriend. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

The Sleuthing suitor Posted: 1/27/2009 10:13:15 AM
OP, I went through a phase where I was the victim of stalking. I finally went to work and asked co-workers if there was a sign on my forhead or on my back. Finally this wise black woman said "yes", then she told me the sign said I looked NAIVE. Yup, I looked naive. I looked like a sucker. I looked like I would believe anything you told me. I looked like I would trust anyone and pick up stray souls and care for them. I was blonde, blue eyed, worked hard, single mom, no family locally, responsible, friendly. I looked like I couldn't hurt a fly and I was 25 . For my 26th birthday, I changed my haircolor to auburn/red and took on a New York attitude. I still infrequently had a nut persue me, but I wasn't as nice nor polite about it. Now, I guard my privacy very carefully... After some research, the statistics are 1 in 5 are victims of stalking. Most don't discuss it and some aren't even aware of it. It's not personal. You made eye contact and smiled and were friendly and polite. That's all it takes. It's too bad that we have to be on guard and change who we are for the sake of self preservation. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 205 (view)

Apologize for what exactly? Posted: 1/25/2009 1:16:53 PM
OP, There is one other option. And you never, ever have to appologize ever again. You can break up. That's right! You can end it today and join the rest of us in finding that perfect "soulmate" who never makes us appologize when we're right, who is guaranteed to never have a hormonal issue and never get hurt feelings. And you can 'WIN' every arguement and be 'RIGHT' all the time. And you and your new found friend (likely medicated) can live happily ever after in fantasyland. Seriously, as long as you harbor resentments, a sense of entitlement and fail to realize that sometimes, you can love the person and not the action and just go along with the flow for the sake of peace that you will keep reliving this yoyo relationship until something changes....otherwise...well, there's always the above option! It's upto you.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 139 (view)

Apologize for what exactly? Posted: 1/24/2009 8:21:24 AM
OP, You can be right, or you can be happy. (Dr. Phil). Another way you can handle it (works in child rearing)...is the next time she wants you to do something you don't want to do...like, I dunno, appologize... Distract her. Her "Hey, Babe, you haven't appologized yet..." You "Sure, no problem...oh, did I tell you about the chocolate (bracelet, necklace, car, vacation to Accapulco) I just bought? It should work. Have fun!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 132 (view)

Bf unemployed for 4.5 months... Posted: 1/22/2009 8:11:14 AM
Look, Her birthday came and went with NOTHING from him. That alone says plenty. OP, Here's an example of someone layed off who was a manager already with the degree and he spent 5 months as a pizza delivery man making $10/hr to support the family until he found something better. http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/01/22/family.economic.survival/index.html Did it affect his self esteeme. Yes. Did they go into forclosure or did his kids starve, NO. He provided for his family and did whatever it took. That family made a lot of sacrifices and will be better on the other side. Because now he knows he can take risks, and if it doesn't work out, fall back on what works. Even if it's pizza delivery. Of course, immigrants have a different attitude. "You won't give me a job?" No problem, we'll become your competition and start our own business. The whole family gets involved, even grandparents. Oh, and they prosper!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 98 (view)

Bf unemployed for 4.5 months... Posted: 1/19/2009 4:55:56 PM
...and nothing for your birthday? Whining about doing the dishes? Or giving you a massage? Darlin' this is NOT love. Seriously. This man doesn't respect you nor care about you. Just go back and read what you wrote as if it was written by your friend asking you for advice. You know the answer. But just in case you don't want to be the "quitter" in the relationship. Tell him you're pregnant and you're going to have to depend on him for the next 20 years. See how fast he runs. joking

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

Bf unemployed for 4.5 months... Posted: 1/19/2009 9:32:22 AM
OB, First, he's hurting her and doesn't seem to care. He QUIT his job. He's mooching off of her. She can't pay all her bills (including school loans which affects her credit). He won't give her a straight answer. Men traditionally earn more than women. Especially rolling out of bed, picking up a hammer, or paintbrush, or screw driver and getting a job in construction, painting, oil, sometimes doing something as simple as maintenance, costodian, mechanic's helper. He doesn't have to wear an apron and be a dishwasher...but if he really, really loved her, he would be the GUY/MAN and do something other than mooch off of her. By the way, a lot of women who are stay at home moms/housewives, etc...have had to deal with husbands who don't want them to work for ego/control/dependency reasons. And most of these women are schlepping around the house all day, chasing dust bunnies, baking cookies/dinner and washing boxer shorts with rail road tracks in them... So they don't get appreciated and don't get paid, but they do work. I'll bet he's not doing any of that stuff for her neither. Nuff said.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 79 (view)

Bf unemployed for 4.5 months... Posted: 1/18/2009 9:01:59 PM
One more thing I failed to mention...Op, here is what I suggest. As for the money issue, make a list, include the amount you have paid for him and explain he will have to borrow money from his parents to pay you back so you can pay off your school loans...TODAY (you must give an immediate deadline...otherwise the point is mute) ...otherwise he can move back in with the same parents...and they know he is good for it and he will repay them once he gets this FABULOUS career! Love is blind. "I see" said the blind man.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 75 (view)

Bf unemployed for 4.5 months... Posted: 1/18/2009 8:28:48 PM
OP, Take it for what it's worth, here is what I have done before with an unemployed boyfriend. Keep in mind, ummm. regardless of employment status and the sacrifices you've made...breakups will and have still happened. You can't MAKE someone stay with you because he owes you. Now in one relationship, I put him through college for 3 .5 years while working 2 jobs and taking care of baby. He kept coming to me for money and I gave it to him (I was your age). He took said money and bought cigarettes, sodas and took out his other girlfriend (which I didn't know about) while I was at work making excuses as to why he couldn't take care of baby nor work (scheduling problems). I was left with all of the bills and nothing to show for it. My turn never came. Can we say doormat? Fast forward 15 years. I was dating a man who lost his job. I offered to redo his resume. I told him I was promoting him to management and did 2 resumes for him (He had 2 specialties). I then went through the different websites everyday and sent out his resume (which he had approved of) to all of the companies that needed a supervisor or management person in his field. While I was redoing his resume, he was working on my RV and my car doing mechanical work. They contacted him for an interview and he got the job. You see, we BARTERED services that was MUTUALLY beneficial for both of us. We did eventually break up on something unrelated. Nobody was a doormat this time. We were supportive of each other and helped each other out. He was glad to contribute. I was greatful for the help. We both benefitted. Oh, and I live solo, alone, have my own place, nobody to support, free as a bird, empty nest, invite whom I please, not stuck, can I make it simpler? I hope this was helpful. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

Injustice, forgiveness and healthiness Posted: 1/18/2009 6:02:51 PM
Perception is an amazing thing. I've just been dealt an unfair blow that is work related recently. Again. It's never been about my performance, nor my work ethics but rather my paycheck will bounce, or I was asked to do something unethical and I said "NO". Everytime this happens and I'm back out on the street looking for work and I give myself a promotion and a pay raise (swear!). And I won't take anything less. This time, I'm launching my own biz and people are coming to me offering me more work and opportunities. My positive attitude, refusing to lower myself to their level and my pride and dignity makes a difference. People close to me see that. Meanwhile 1/2 the companies that have treated me badly are out of business, which means those who were busy backstabbing were looking for another job too. I've learned not to question nor fight the unfair. Bad things happen to bad people too and I may not always know when nor how, but to be greatful for the opportunity to distance myself from a toxic environment and have the freedom to seek better opportunities, be around healthier and saner people. The betrayal of a lover, of a friend, of a co-worker... Don't get me wrong. It still stings. I still go through a period of a sense of loss, but I forge ahead. I do find myself walking more carefully, looking before I jump, and give myself time to learn from the experience. Forgiveness? Not necessary. They don't deserve that much energy and time. Learning detachment is preferable. Eventually, I don't even think about it. I've moved on. It takes practice. As for my health. My blood pressure was skyrocketing putting up with idiots in an office with poor ventilation. So they did me a favor. Letting go does more for your health than trying to hold on. The same applies to relationships. I let someone go who I felt had disrespected me and I was fed up. It saved my life. Go figure!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

One year doesn't count? Posted: 1/13/2009 8:08:19 AM
Wow, OP, I'd dealt with guys who wanted a committment before the first date! Is he an engineer? Sometimes certain types have a different interpretation of what is really going on. Although, you've mentioned a lot of sweet moments...and romance...are you, ummm...intimate or is this "relationship" a platonic one with a romantic feel? If this is an actual "intimate relationship" with no commitment and it's been almost 1 year, he wants the freedom to play the field. Enjoy your time with him, don't take him too seriously and if someone better comes along...don't pass him up. This guy you're with has blown you off. On a good PMS day, I would have told him "OK, see you in 3 years". And walked away. But then I would NOT recommend this for you. You seemed happy with things and you should just see where they lead. Good luck!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Credit = Slavery? Posted: 1/12/2009 7:05:10 AM
Credit is a tool. I agree with that. It's also a message to the seller of goods and services that you are responsible financially. Those who get bogged down with high credit card interest are the same folks who try to lead a lifestyle that is a lie. A car is a tool. A car can kill. Are we slaves to the car? Or is it the one behind the wheel to blame on how they choose to use it? You can go without a car. I did for 5 years. But at times it was difficult. You can live without credit cards. I did that as well. Until you need to make a reservation for a flight online, rent a car, rent a moving truck, or need an emergency loan... Then it's nice to have at least one. People are slaves to their delusions, to their addictions, to their obsessions...they are not slaves to their credit.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 192 (view)

Age of consent laws:Outdated? Posted: 1/11/2009 3:45:53 PM
*Thinking out loud* Should I even bother responding to this "devil's advocate" or is the premise too rediculous to consider? Let's see, so according to you, if she's 15 and old enough to shoot somebody, she's fair game for guys like...umm...YOU (in your 30's)? So since the youngest child to have known to kill someone was 4 years old (F-O-U-R) than that child should also be fair game to be targetted by the likes of YOU? What I love about the forums is people's true colors come through loud and clear. A perv is a perv by any other name smells just as badly. Need I respond further?

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

What are we afraid of? Posted: 1/10/2009 11:06:07 PM
Here's a metaphore for you. I once too a trip across the country with an old suburban. I made sure to buy spare parts (belts, hoses, water, emergency kit, charger and extra spare tires). Well, it turned out the one part I failed to buy (gas filter) was the part that was causing trouble. Point? The point is, you can ask EVERY single imaginable question until you are exhausted from conducting your blind date like it's a job interview. (been there, done that...and I stopped because it felt like work). And the one question you failed to ask...is the piece of information that would have been the dealbreaker. Since no one is perfect, EVERYBODY's got something that if disclosed upfront would be a deal breaker and no one would find a match. So, I've learned to enjoy the moment. Go with my instinct. And not sweat the small stuff. If it works out...it was meant to be. If it works out temporarily and then it doesn't ... There will be somone better to come along eventually. And there is life after POF. As for people who lie about the stupid things... Like saying they don't smoke when they do Their age Their marital status etc.. I have found that it's the tip of the iceburg. The lies NEVER END. So I enjoy the moment, make a mental note that this person will never be invited to my home, never meet my friends, nor family. That I may maintain an aquaintenceship with them because usually they are funny, charismatic, and charming. But I do keep my distance to a degree without being extreme. But they blew it in the dating department.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 187 (view)

Age of consent laws:Outdated? Posted: 1/6/2009 6:44:45 PM
1fitguy, You're kidding right? Have you been asleep in class or did you fail to read previous posts. Maybe you missed the Oprah show where the good doctor in Africa talked of the fissure repairs on young women who were forced into marriage at a young age and became pregnant...(legal in their country) The part about how their vaginal walls had tears and their bladder was leaking into their vagina down their leg causing a stench and causing them to be ostracized? Because their bodies had not been fully developed on the INSIDE? Or the part of the suicide rate being 13 times higher for teens of SEXUAL ABUSE? Or maybe talked to these women's O-B-G-Y-N and asked about scarring and damage to their vaginal canal due to their bodies not being prepared to be USED by 30 year olds. So 15 huh? Speaking from experience? How about 14.5? How about 14? Maybe 13.5 Shoot, why bother finishing grade school and just go straight to Welfareville. So once this 30 year old is finished with the 15 year old and she turns...I dunno...16 or 17, or even gasp! 18 and is a used old maid! Then he tosses her like a used klenex and off to the next one? Ever heard of intimidation, trickery, manipulation? Ever LISTENED to those mormon girls questioned about what was going on to them when they were married off and impregnated? Talk about naive, uneducated, dependent, baaaaah! baaaah sheep! I think parents should keep their kids from you, big boy....you're the guy everybody's been talking about! Edit: Oooowww....I get a 2 for 1 special!!! Adam and Eve, God....I love it!!! And WHERE in the Bible does it say that Eve was 15? And where does it say that a 30 year old can fornicate with a 15 year old?? Seriously, both of you guys...master manipulators!!! Speaking from experience? Valdor...go sick em!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 176 (view)

Age of consent laws:Outdated? Posted: 1/5/2009 6:27:22 PM
Just food for thought... Why else is emotional maturity and ACTUAL LEGAL consent is so important. Department of Clinical and Health Psychology, University of Leiden, P.O. Box 9555, 2300 RB, Leiden, The Netherlands Available online 8 April 2002. Abstract In this study data from a large representative community sample of adolescents were analysed to investigate the relationship between a history of sexual abuse and adolescent functioning. Emotional problems, behavioural problems, suicidal thoughts and behaviour of boys and girls with a history of sexual abuse were compared to those in a matched control group of boys and girls without such a history. Both sexually abused boys and girls reported significantly more emotional problems, behavioural problems, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts than their non-abused counterparts. The results also indicated that the experience of sexual abuse carried far more consequences for boys than for girls regarding the use of alcohol, aggressive/criminal behaviour, use of drugs, and the amount of truancy, as well as regarding suicidal thoughts and behaviour. For example, whereas 2.6% of the non-abused boys reported a former suicide attempt, this percentage was 13 times higher for the sexually abused boys (26.5%). The results of this paper lend support to the call for further research investigating gender differences in response to sexual abuse.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

MUST ASk. read please Posted: 1/4/2009 2:03:28 PM
Answer to #1. Pheramones. You may have been emitting more when with a girlfriend then when alone. Or confidence...more confident with a girlfriend than not. Answer #2. When you were 17 you had access to all the girls in high school. Then you turned 18 and there were only 2 categories....other 18 year old girls or older women, unless you want to play russian roulette with the legal system. (Bubba might find you sexy in jail). Answer # 3. This is another one of those "But I'm a nice guy, why do women seem to go for jerks" which happens at 19, 29, 39, ...109 (actually, by that age...I don't think they care). Just stop defining yourself by the arm candy or trophy girlfriend. Work on yourself from the inside out. Be approachable, respectful and funny (funny guys are approachable)...NOTE: NOT goofy! And have fun!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 160 (view)

Age of consent laws:Outdated? Posted: 1/3/2009 10:05:20 AM
Ok, there are times that life seems unfair... 1. "But officer, I swear she looked 23!" girls parents angry 2. "But officer, I swear it wasn't my car!" drugs found in the car 3. "But officer, I swear that's not my package!" **drug dog barking in the background Hmmm, there are 2 ways to handle the situation... 1. a. MEET THE PARENTS BEFORE SEX!!!! 1. b. DATE OLDER WOMEN!!! 2. a. Drive your own car 2. b. Pick better friends 3. a. Keep track of your packages 3. b. No good deed goes unpunished. So guuuuuyyyysssss....stop whining. There are benefits to being old fashioned and not sneaking around figuring out ways to get lucky. Maybe the pendulum is about to swing in the opposite direction...there are times it feels like the 70's....maybe the 50's are coming back? Nuff said!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 152 (view)

Age of consent laws:Outdated? Posted: 1/2/2009 9:18:05 PM
OP, You being a father of two girls (as you put it) does not put you above reproach. There are plenty of fathers of young women who are pedophiles, manipulators, perverts and rapists (I'm not implying you are or not). The point being, if you look at cultures of women in Africa who are married off at a young age, when they are forced into sex with their husbands and have children, their vagina walls tear creating a fissure in which the bladder leaks through the vagina wall and creates a stench that forces these young women to be shunned by their own families until they are operated to repair their bodies due to being forced to do what their bodies were never meant to do. Think about that... If THAT alone doesn't sink in as to why 18 is a fine age, how woud you like your daughter's teacher to use his power and influence over your daughter to alienate you, keep secrets from you and fornicate behind your back when you thought she was safe and learning something only to turn YOU into a GRANDPA while she is a single mom, high school drop out, and you are supporting her, living in poverty for the next 20 years??? Think about that too... As for your friend....he IS a P-R-E-D-A-T-O-R. I've known many women who as adults told horror stories that still affect them to this day of being molested, assaulted, raped by the FRIEND of the family, the uncle, mom's boyfriend, the priest, etc... Even as adults, people in positions of authority or trust (doctor/patient, therapist/patient, Teacher/Student etc) are NOT to get involved with the person they hold power/trust over no matter what the age or they stand to lose their license and possibly face jail time. Go figure! I'd suggest you make new friends and assess the ones you are defending. You seem to be the king of denial on this one. Peace!

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

call me old fashioned but please have a job Posted: 1/1/2009 7:52:50 PM
OP, Here's my perception of someone not working taking care of a parent. It's like a single mom staying at home to be a full time parent. Nice if you can afford it, but unrealistic. There are sitters for adults as there are sitters for children and there are adult daycares as there are children daycares. The one who wants to succeed and has the motivation to do so without the cope-out, poor me attitude works 1 or 2 jobs and still manages to care for that parent or child. (I've known both). The man is mooching off his dad while he "cares" for him. Sorry, but that's my perception. He may feel depressed, guilty and hopeless. He may be staking out the house to keep it when his dad's tick/tock stops...I hear all kinds of martyr stories of entitlements. Some go so far as making a wish list of potential inheritance money. It's pathetic. The vultures are circling. You can give him information about adult daycares and programs that provides caregivers and let him know he can continue his carreer and still care for his parent (which is a healthier lifestyle). I'm looking forward to eventually caring for my dad. I told him, I don't do diapers and we will hire someone to help care for him and he will live where my job opportunities are. When that times comes. Until then, there's meals on wheels, visiting nurses, cleaning staff, etc... I told my dad, I've travelled, worked, taken vacations all while being a single mom...so life will not consist of a 10x10 room for the rest of his miserable life. I told my dad I'll put him to work, take him to conventions while he's in a motorized wheelchair with a bunch of brochures he can distribute to ladies in the room... I got a good laugh out of him. Until that time comes...he gets to be 16 years old all over again, dating, living in a condo in Florida, etc... It's all about attitude.

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 61 (view)

I must have pissed God off in a previous life..... Posted: 12/29/2008 12:23:12 PM
Lovededove, Over the top, yeah, but true. She was stalking him and had broken into his house, took the loan documents that proved he had loaned her money and had stolen his address book calling the women in it and badmouthing him. Then making false accusations against him. He went to confront her and snapped. Some have told me I could have been this woman at some point if I had pursued this man. I said no...I don't do the things she does. There are a lot of good people and a lot of troubled people looking for a connection but having been burned. Many chose to be alone for Xmas rather than be with the wrong person. Many women were in abusive relationships. The point was, it could have been worst out there. If someone is depressed about spending Xmas alone...that many of us spend it alone too. But to name call, degrade and deny women the respect they deserve when you don't even know them...That's just plain wrong. You can still like a person and not like the actions. That guy did a stupid and terrible thing but he wasn't a monster. He was a nice guy who went to church on Sundays, he was sweet and gentle and helpful. I'd known him for a year. That's the twisted part about it. He was the last person I would have expected it from. You don't know the woman's history. How many times she's been beaten down, molested, assualted, raped, broken hearted, etc... You judge her based on her picture, on her toungue piercing, on the color of her hair. You don't know how she punishes herself....cutting, bulemia, anorexia, picking jerks because she feels that's what she deserves. We are all children of God. Some are better packaged than others. The problem is that you guys are so negative and angry about women in general. Try to have a few as friends. Get to know them as human beings rather than as what you can get from them or trophies. It might help. Peace

val0214

Joined: 5/7/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

I must have pissed God off in a previous life..... Posted: 12/29/2008 8:14:29 AM
OP, Forum junkies...you make that sound like it's a bad thing! lol We are just all busy with work and life and wish to connect with others. We could have been couch potatoes, gone to meat markets, or bar hopping. Instead, we chose to spend our precious time doling out advice to those who seemed in need of advice. If you don't want to know....don't ask. nuff said.

Show ALL Forums