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Posted: 7/20/2008 8:54:55 AM If she really loved u an the children she would not keep doing this I hate to say she does it because u allow her to do it by takin her back. One thing that should do it for u is this what u want your kids to think is normal an ok. Another thing do u want your kids to end up like that doin the same thing or with someone who does it because that is what they have seen. Once a cheater always a cheater an with disease an everything else u deserve better. She has to be the one to help herself no one can force her to get help or stop she just doesnt want to. My x husband cheated swore he would never do it again an then he did it is a never endin thing. You have to love yourself an your children enough to let her go because if she loved u it would not be the back an forth. I was raised to stay married for better or for worse an I did for 14 long yrs of bein beat an cheated on once he started on the kids I was gone but I should never have stayed as long one thing that has helped has been I do not want to children to end up like that or to have someone do that to them. What if it was your child in this situation wouldnt u want them to be happy an let it end dont give her the power take the power back only my suggestion u can take it or leave it  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 51 (view)   Domestic violence and the legal system...How has it treated you? Posted: 7/20/2008 8:20:45 AM I can only speak from my own personal experience an that is that the legal system does not help very much in the area to help to enforce the protection orders or in any other matter. I stayed for over 14yrs I married him right out of high school an it was not like that until we got married an I was told that the piece of paper meant he now owned me. I came from a family that u get married for better or worse an I was young. I worked but he made sure he kept me with barely any money as he took me to an from work. I had no friends was not allowed to see my family. I ended up pregnant an of course I was ruinin his life he also made sure I had no phone or car. It is not as easy to get out as everyone says it is let me tell u. Plus they work on your self esteem where u think u deserve it (didnt make the steak they way he wanted it or fold the clothes the way he thought they should be) so u think ok if I do this an this better then things will get better(not true of course). I left one time before the last which was for good an it was when I became pregnant for my second child he tried to make me lose the baby an called my little girl a bit** one thing to call me that but not my little angel. Now if it wasnt for artimis house thur everything I dont know what I would have done but he got supervised visits at his grandma an at that time I was still around 21 an didnt think to have someone else drop her off an pick her up he talked me into being a family again as he now wanted the baby an so forth me being stupid an naive an raised to forgive I took him back an for a while it did change but not long. I later tried to get assistance thur welfare so I could leave an they said I made $5.00 to much believe it or not. I had no one who could help I was ashamed an didnt want anyone to know because everyone thought he was this great man. Didnt know what happened behind the close doors. In 2000 I was workin 3 jobs an hiding money so I could move out an my son was 8 an daughter was 10 had never seen him hit them or anything in front of me but that one night my son came to me cryin sayin take me somewhere safe dont let daddy hurt me anymore an that did it was one thing for it to happen to me(which is not right) but another to my kids I was thinkin I was keepin my kids safe an that they would have the 2 parent household that one parent was so looked down on. Within 3 days I had went down an got another protection order ,called my parents from work to let them know what was goin on an had my brothers help me move out in 4 hours before he got home from work an they moved my things into storage or into there home an it was the day before christmas they would not have had a christmas there as we had no christmas tree or present my parents made sure we had it all.Most of my brothers an sister had moved out as before there was no room an if he would have called childrens service they could have taken my kids which he tried no less. I am now on my second 5 yr protection order my kids had supervised visitation thur what is called here ermas house but he would break there rules over an over so for 4 long yrs I had to take my kids who would throw up an cry all the way there to see there dad for 1 hour a week an he could not be nice they finally took his visitation after my daughters therapist called over his breakin the rules all the time an them doin nothin because the lady in with them he would flirt with plus she ended up with ulcers at the age of 11 an my son at 9 they kept tellin me he was there father an he has rights. Ok then why couldnt he be nice to them I wasnt there so that can not be blamed on me I didnt tell them anything negative about him no matter what as he was there dad. But when is it for the best interest of the kids if he would have been doing better takin the parentin class he refused to take or the batters group even said he was not to be left alone with the kids an that he would batter again. I have been gone now for 8 yrs an would never go back but even in my divorce the lady judge treated me like crap I dont have a lot of faith in the legal system he has gotten off so many times for breakin it (cpo) or they just dont want to fill out the paper work or whatever. I just know my children an myself are safe an happy now dont judge these people so hard u have no idea if u have never been in the same situation. They are controllin an manipulative an are not in the case of men a real man because real men do not treat women an children like that. I am not a bitter person I have lived an learned an wished I could have done it different but that is in the past an I can not change that I can only learn from it an go on. I was lucky he didnt kill me what keep me goin was my kids which he would tell me he would take them an I would never see them again. I just know I owe my life to artimis house (batteries group) from gettin me a attorney pro bono to counselin for myself an childrent they are a god sent. Sorry this is so long just my opnion an my situation  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 104 (view)   What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship? Posted: 7/11/2008 8:20:24 AM I would have to say what I did wrong was I tried to please him to much I am one that tries to make the one I am with happy an have learned if they arent happy u cant make them happy. I would treat there kids just like mine an do things with them (go get them an take them with my kids to do stuff) but then mine were which I dont feel was wrong but I think it should go both ways. My biggest mistakes in the past would have to be I try to find the good in everyone an everything an have learned the hard way should have learned from my long 14 yr old marriage of abuse physically,mentally,emotionally an then of course when I found out it started on the kids I was gone but I should have had better self esteem which he had crushed an an realized I deserved better an thur thick in thin that all that was not talkin about the cruel things that he did. In my next relationship I will never let a man talk down to me or feel less than what I am an if they cant love me for me or be nice to my kids then there is no relationship because like they say dont let the door hit u in the butt lol. Also I thought if I could help them out as my parents raised me to help others then that was a good thing wont get taken like I did in the past either I am not made of money an if the other is not goin to put forth anything effort wise an it is all one sided to not even continue an to be honest with them an walk away. Wont be taken advantage of again know the signs lol  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 331 (view)   Domestic Violence Posted: 7/9/2008 8:23:08 PM yes u will an u have to start by working on your self esteem an knowing that all men are not like him he is not a man but a coward who liked to control u an abuse u an keep u down. I know this from being married to a man likes this for over 14 yrs he was my high school sweetheart an was nothing like that before I married him on my wedding night he informed me that the piece of paper(wedding license) meant that he owned me an I was to do what he said when he said. I was not aloud to have anything to do with my family or have any friends unless he approved them which in the end meant he slept with them. I was kept without a phone or car most of the time. When I ended up pregnant I was ruining his life I was so stressed an beat on so much I almost died an stupid me thought I married him for the good an the bad. When I got pregnant with my second child it was the same I was ruining his life even though he did nothing but spend his money on what he wanted an did his drugs an god for bid if any should come up missin(as some got flushed) I left when they told me I would lose my baby an possibly my life because my blood pressure was so high then he called my 2 yr old a little **** an that did it one thing for me to hear it all the time an be told I was fat an ugly an no one would ever want me or love me I left an got a protection order. I then had them do supervised visitation at his grandma's big mistake that gave him access to me when I dropped her off. The guilt he laid on thick how could u do this we are a family I want the kids I promise I will change an so on. Stupid me I believed him an went back to him an for about a year things went better an then it got even worse. I had went to school while we were broke up because I was not allowed while we were together. If an when I got to drive something it was where he didnt think it should be then all hell broke loose. I dont know what I was thinkin other than the fact that it is so hard to get out if u have no money an no car or anything. An I tried to get help from downtown.(welfare an no one would help) What did it which I had been gettin braver an figured if I was going to get beat it would be worth it my son told me he was 8 at the time (which I did not know he was startin on the kids I was workin 3 jobs ) tryin to pay the bills because I had told him I was goin to leave an he wanted to make sure I didnt get the house so he paid nothing. He told me mommy dont let daddy hurt me anymore an it about killed me 3 days later I got a 5 yr protection order an moved out in 4 hrs an have never looked back I am on my 2nd 5yr protection order along with my kids he has lost visitation on his own because he could not be nice to his kids for a hour a week. But let me tell u they do not change will never change an dont care to it is all about guilt an control. I am doing great I dont have to walk on egg shells or worry about gettin the crap beat out of me. I have had relationship an do not have a problem trustin because I am honest an I know the danger signs an will never be treated like that again. I have 4 brothers an they are nothing like that please stay away from him for your sake an for your childrens to have there mom around I cant not change the past but I should have left long before i did an artemis house was my life saver they helped me get a attorney an my parents were always there for me. Just be careful who u date. It sounds like u need to maybe take a self esteem class that is what i did an love yourself enough to not give someone that control over u an that u deserve to be treated better I am sorry this is so long I just want u to know u can email me if u need to talk just hang in there an there is someone out there for u but u need to heal right now an not jump into anything take care an be safe  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 57 (view)   violent men/women in relationship advise Posted: 7/3/2008 3:09:51 PM I stayed in a marriage like that for over 14 yrs mainly because he had me so isolated an everything an without money i didnt feel i could get out until i found out he started hittin the kids no matter how many times they tell u they are sorry they will do it again an again an it will get worse an worse believe me. There is a place called artimis house they can help u they can even help u get a civil protection order which i am on my 2nd 5yr one with my children an myself it is better to have that then a restraining order they have legal help for free plus if u need to go somewhere safe they can help with that. Dont let him make u feel like it is something u have done or u deserve because it is not it is him get out as soon as u can for yourself u deserve better dont let them guilt u or anything like that u are worth more than that an need to do it for yourself if u need to talk or ask ? feel free to I am sorry u are goin thur this wish it was as easy to get out of as most people think but they keep u down an so much more good luck an be careful  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 24 (view)   Bad Meeting with Ex Husband... Posted: 6/24/2008 7:09:35 AM It can be taken out of his hands the courts can assign a place with special people there to have her drop the children an leave an him come an get them an the same when she picks them up there is toys an stuff there for the kids while they wait an stuff an can avoid all the drama an his control issues that he has I have dealt with some of this but mine was more serious as I am on my 2nd 5yr protection order for myself an my children but they still saw him for the first 4 yrs under supervised visits with someone with them the whole time but the same place had the drop off too that way he doesnt have the control over things he wont be happy but if he wants to see his kids plus it would be better for them not to have to go thur all that craziness all the time it affects them a lot all may not agree with me but it is just something to think about  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 7 (view)   31 and divorced male... How do I get past this. Posted: 6/24/2008 6:52:32 AM My ? is the same is it she won't let u(which is contempt of court) or the court has taken your rights as to visitation which is hard to do because even my x who myself an my 2 children have a protection order against him got to see the children for supervised visitation for over 4 yrs of course in my case he still couldnt not hurt the kids but it took them 4 yrs to take it from him. So to me if it is her fight like hell for your child u can get free attornies if it is a money issue but to me I wouldnt want to date someone who is not in there childs life my kids are my life plus whatever happened between u an her is over but your child will always be yours it is not fair for them not to have there dad in there life I wish my kids dad wasnt that way so my children could have had the love of a father they think there is something wrong that there own dad cant be nice to them an just love them it has nothing to do with them but how is your child going to feel???  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 104 (view)   Im dating somone 8 years older, advice wanted Posted: 6/24/2008 6:32:15 AM I think age is just a number it depends on the person as long as you get along an it is there who cares about age it isnt like she is your grandma's age. I wouldnt worry what others think they are not the one in the relationship u are an as long as u are happy who cares what others think  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 480 (view)   Are there ANY women who don't CHEAT? Posted: 6/17/2008 3:16:20 PM I dont understand why women or men cheat I have never in my life not that like u said i didnt have the chance I was married for over 14 yrs an he cheated on me an I never once did him my feelin is if a person gets to the point then u should break up with the other person first it is not fair to them I would say that this women were very stupid to have cheated on u  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 239 (view)   Do men still look for old fashioned girls? Posted: 6/15/2008 3:17:40 PM I agree with u I am one of those old fashion girls there is nothing wrong with a women with values an morals an I have had men try to talk me into being different which to them is friends with benefits or just sex sorry cant do that i have to care about someone before it goes there an if a man cant respect that then i am better off single which i have chosen to be for awhile an now have decided i will try dating again if i can find some nice men which i havent had much luck also that does not mean we are boring or no fun in other areas believe me we just dont go around braggin about it lol  snglmoma2 Joined: 5/12/2007 Msg: 902 (view)   full-time single dads Posted: 6/15/2008 10:03:20 AM I can only speak for myself but i think full-time dads are great wish more men were in there kids lives I am a single mom of 2 teens an a grandaughter so it is a little harder for me because i have both i guess lol i love it wouldnt change it for the world I think single dads are great not that ones that dont have kids arent too my big problem has been that they (the men i have dated) always want to compare there kids to mine kids are kids an they are all different an have been thur different things mine feel like u have to earn there respect it isnt just givin because of the issues they have been thur.   Show ALL Forums