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michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 624 (view)

why do men always have to look at other women!! Posted: 11/17/2009 4:27:52 PM
Not all men go around looking at other women once they've committed to one. I don't even have that option available to me. That being said, I expect a woman who loves me not to get offended if I still converse with other women. Life gets pretty boring if one limits each other's possible friends and associates. Given what I've heard about how sight works, I would suspect that it would be pretty much impossible not to look at and be biologically attracted to other women at least a little during the corse of a day. The real issue is whether one actively seeks such opportunities due to a real or perceived deficiency in a relationship. Presuming I'm fortunate enough to find a woman to love, she won't ever have to fear my being unfaithful to her. A good relationship is hard enough work without introducing that sort of trouble into it. A clear conscience is worth more than any momentary guilty pleasure.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 64 (view)

How do you trust anyone on dating sites? Posted: 11/4/2009 6:07:36 PM
Let's start with the basics. The first step is to get to know a potential date as best you can via email. Both parties, to some extent, have to accept that you might be taken advantage of. I as a blind man have to accept that pretty much every day. After you get the best feel you can for whoever you're interested in, a good next step is to start talking to each other via phone or Skype. Skype eliminates the need to reveal a phone number as well as long distance charges. Next, presuming such conversations go well, arrange a meeting somewhere public where you both feel comfortable. I have particular trouble navigating to places and nobody in their right minds trusts me to drive. Therefore, I have to accept a further disadvantage and chance to be ripped off or snuffed right out. I most likely have to trust my new date enough to get in her car. She, in turn, must trust a man with a long presumeably white cane not to use it for ill purposes. To be alive is to be in danger one way or another. The question comes down to what's worth taking on extra risk. I'm 35 years old now and despite being vulnerable to it quite a lot, I've only been taken advantage of perhaps as many as five times in a serious way. Most people out there are merely after the pursuit of their own good fortune and are unlikely to offer harm. The small number who are out to hurt others get all the attention. More likely than not, I'll be rejected nine times out of ten. Blindness, unemployment, no house or car all count against me. I've been divorced after a marriage's painful demise and dumped with agonising sudden swiftness by the woman who loved me after that separation. Yet, even for me, I say without hesitation that it's absolutely worth it to search for love and friendship. Love especially adds so much purpose and meaning to our lives. It helps us to see beyond ourselves in so many ways. Even in its pursuit, we grow as people. When you get right down to it, all we're really dealing with is a different form of communication. A different meeting place not bound by geography unless we wish it to be. We merely have to decide how to handle ourselves in this space and what level of risk we choose to take on. Best of luck to all of us.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 103 (view)

Why Do Disgraced Politicians' Wives Stand by their Side? Posted: 10/27/2009 4:52:55 PM
Once someone has cheeted on me, that's basically it. I need to be able to trust the love of my life completely and there's just no way to really recover that trust after that. There would always be reason to doubt. Don't forget that when you're dealing with public figures, you've only got whatever they themselves want you to see plus whatever the media can get its hands on. I doubt that this has been the whole and complete story in very many such cases. I would imagine that one way or another, they pay a substantial price for such loyalty behind the scenes. Some people are so genuinely in love with their partner that they are willing to cope with the damage. It is possible, though it must be exceeding hard, to truly forgive such actions. There's also inertia to consider. Looking back on things, I probably stayed in my marriage about a year and a half longer than I ought to have just hoping that things would somehow improve again. It seemed better to pursue the happiness we once knew rather than give up the ghost and face single life's lonely hours again. Presumeably, these women are having similar thoughts. We're creatures of habit after all. Add to that the shere sense of duty contained in any marriage seriously undertaken. To walk away from such a commitment, rather than sticking it out until death did us part, is a very hard thing to contemplate as it should be. A marriage is one of the most earnest commitments one can make and ought not to be easily tossed aside. In doing so, we have to face the horrid truth that we were ultimately wrong in one of life's most important choices. We have to publically admit that we were ultimately not strong, resourceful, rezilliant, loving enough to stay the corse we set for ourselves often despite the objections of those who we know best. Any way you slice it, that's a damned hard admition to make and a damned hard truth to come to grips with. The journey, if undertaken earnestly, changes the soul. I like to think that it has ultimately changed me for the better. I doubt that there would have been any other way in which an incureablely optimistic man like me could have so thoroughly faced the fact that we all ultimately have limitations of patience, compassion, optimism, and even love which sadly doesn't conquer all. As that final line in Coleridge's poem goes, I was left a sadder wiser man. I'm still very much hopeful that this wisdom will aid me in building a better relationship presuming God steers some special woman my way. However, there's a little less room left in me for the idealistic hope I once knew. Even when one feels there's no choice but to jump into the abiss of ending a marriage, it must still be a daunting prospect. I don't wonder that in such circumstances, particularly under public screwteny, one would hesitate and take stock before taking irrepreable action.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Reading between the lines! Posted: 10/27/2009 4:09:56 PM
I don't even have regular sight let alone second sight. Say what you mean up front and we'll get along fine. Don't think I'm gifted with some magical ability to read minds. It's hard enough when you're operating without all the visual body language most sighted people have to work with. A good relationship should be able to withstand the inevitable miscommunication from time to time. I try to be as straight up about things as humanly possible and appreciate the same from others. My ex-wife had the habit of not coming clean and telling me right out when she didn't approve of something. I would only find out long after there was any chance of fixing or changing whatever didn't suit her. Nine times out of ten, it would have been quite simple to have, for instance, had chicken breasts rather than steaks with dinner guests. I believe English classes we all took in school have a lot to answer for in this respect. They're always taking books and forcing students to somehow intuit that, for example, roses symbolise death in this or that context. Political correctness up the wazoo doesn't help either. I have no issue with being called blind. It's a part of who I am and has been for my entire life. The word "blind" doesn't offend me. Having people be willing to go through contortions and avoid associating with me rather than risk accidental offence does tend to make me annoyed. That holds true for a lot of my friends who have other disabilities. If everyone could just say what they meant without the risk of being shunned or worse, I think we would all be a whole lot better off. We tell each other in so many ways that it's expected that we do what is frankly impossible and read between the lines. Little wonder that this expectation has come back to bite us in the ass.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

I am gettin a complex Posted: 10/25/2009 5:55:58 AM
Being totally blind, I have very little option but to value personality over pretty much everything. I'm honest, open, loyal, have a wide range of interests, and have an education. None of this, however, seems to do me a damned bit of good even when it comes to finding female friendship. I find that exceedingly frustrating. Sherlock Holmes said it best when he complained that having powers was more of a curse when there was no field upon which to exercise them. You may as well show what puts you at best advantage and weed out the people merely after good looks presuming you have such. I've thought many times of giving up entirely but it's a cruel choice. Either you put up a sign and live in hope that the right partner will take notice, or you somehow come to terms with the grim certainty of not even having the slim ghost of a chance that such sites as this offer us. I have plenty of time on my hands so I find it a worth-while proposition to invest some of it in maintaining a presence here. Don't give up on us guys. There are many who can look beyond appearances and appreciate one's personality. Best of luck to you.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 122 (view)

I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? Posted: 10/24/2009 9:10:55 AM
I wouldn't necessarily take such statements as offensive. If anything, I'd think of them as defensive. They don't want a man who thinks he can get away with domineering shit as long as he does X, Y and Z. I can relate to that. A woman in my life would do wonders. Being an easy-going man, I'll put up with quite a lot and am willing to give a lot in support of a healthy relationship. However, there are limits and lines in the sand. People who put such statements of independence in their profiles are trying to make that crystal clear to the more posessive power-tripping types right from the word go. I would take such statements as indicators that a person has quite possibly had less than stellar prior relationships.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Happy to be out of a bad relationship. Posted: 10/11/2009 6:08:49 AM
For me, there was certainly a sense of releaf when, due to her decision to end things, I was no longer at all responsible for my ex wife's happiness. She had depression which made it exceedingly hard to actually experience her as a happy person for any length of time. As someone who is an overall optimistic person who tends to look at the bright side of things, I found myself quite worn down. So much negativity happened for no better reason than the imbalanced chemistry in her head. It was such a weight off my shoulders not to feel like it was my duty to do damage control. However, I also had to face the fact that my marriage had ultimately failed. I may have been handed the rest of my life back but that freedom came at the crushing cost of having the most serious commitment I had ever made come to nothing. Like so many other areas in life, you're left wondering whether your hard won experience and lessons learned will ever count in your favour. So many people see "divorced" and move onwards. Enjoy that sense of releaf while you can. Getting over relationships, even when one hasn't taken the big step of marriage, can be a tricky thing. I can't count the times over this past Summer that I thought that I had at last truly come through it and found my stride. Now, at last, I seem to have actually done it. I can look on the likelyhood that I'll be single for potentially the rest of life and not stop enjoying it. If that comes to pass, it won't be for lack of effort on my part. I've read a lot of comments on these forums about how repellent we can unintentionally be when we get too desperate for company. As usual, I can see both sides of that coin. There are times when we really need someone to care and those can be the very times when nobody sees us as whole people who deserve to be cared about. And yet, a healthy relationship should be built on a foundation of some sort of equivalence. To some extent, we need to wrestle with the demons unleashed in ourselves by a break-up to reach a point of stability before we're truly ready to move forward. A painful paradox of the human condition which I think leads to a lot of needless misery.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

The POSITIVE relationship.... Posted: 9/21/2009 6:44:18 AM
I'm always willing to share. There are many aspects of life within a relationship which I've found to be tremendously positive. The feeling of exceptance and belonging one has while in a couple is priceless. I don't believe it can be produced by any other process or life circumstance. Adding to it is the knowledge that unlike one's family attachments, this connection was one built entirely through the efforts of you and your partner. Commitment to building a life together brings with it a sense of safety not found in normal friendships. Knowing that there's someone there who is willing to do whatever she can for you out of a sense of love and appreciation of you is both a comfort and honour like no other. There's a sense of catharsus in being able to trust a partner absolutely. When you enter a serious commited relationship, there's a very real sense of having entered a new and wider realm of life. A place where one's positive aspirations and aptitutes to contribute has a great deal more scope for action. The better I know someone, the more I can find ways of supporting them and truly making a positive difference. I value being able to use my talents and give my time to someone who truly appreciates it. I also frankly value the feedback a relationship provides. We get that all too rarely in life. I can sit at this computer and write all day knowing that I'll receive nothing for my efforts other than perhaps an appreciative email at best. Relationships give us a far better and more responsive yardstick to measure how we're doing. One's efforts, better nature, patience, kindness, etc, actually results in something tangible presuming a balanced healthy relationship. Negative feedback at least gives one something to think about. Even more so when it comes from a loving partner who looks for ways to improve things or work issues out. I've had two serious relationships fail. Despite that, I say without reservation that life is much better when you have a loving partner. Love hurts like hell when things go wrong. However, it truly brings out the best in us.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

When has enough 'Time' passed? Posted: 9/21/2009 5:36:09 AM
I agree with WackMC. Especially if we find it hard to hook up with someone new, such memories of a less solitary life are all we have. Throwing away one's past is never a good idea. Life builts on itself and our past must inform our future without dominating it. That's the real trick. Presuming I'm lucky enough to find a new partner, I wouldn't expect her to go to any lengths not to talk about past relationships. If anything, such information can help me avoid pitfalls and give me a sense of what she likes. These memories can help us make certain that what a new partner and I experience isn't a walk down the same path but a new one built of our active choices together. Presuming we take our relationships seriously and approach them sincerely, we shouldn't be expected to just expunge them from our minds when they fail. They will have helped to shape who we are as people today.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

What do Men really think? Posted: 9/17/2009 1:32:44 PM
There are a couple of key considerations to answering your question. First of all, what kind of relationship are you after? Personally, I would want there to be a strong sense that we were truly in it for the long haul before having sex. But then, I'm after a hopefully life-long partnership. Stability and long-term happiness are my goals. Therefore, I would expect that certainty and deep commitment to take a while to grow. A matter of months at least if not longer. Others have decided that the chances of a successful long-term relationship actually lasting are so slim that they go for short-term intense flings. I would imagine there's a crowd of such men and women who would respect women who were willing to reach the sex stage without delay rather than those who made one wait for it. The other side of this is who's definition of respectability you'd want to be in line with. Things seem to be changing somewhat on that front. I personally feel a lot more comfortable around people who have put in at least a few months time of getting to know one another first. I don't fault people for having sex before marriage as long as they have a personal understanding between the two of them. However, I am often made aware by various friends that my stance on this and other things has a whiff of the Victorian era about it. Stick an educated extravert in circumstances where he has tons of time to read, listen, and reflect on life rather than participate fully in it and, ... well ... that's what happens. From how you wrote your question, I deduce that you may want to seriously consider who's respect you truly care about keeping.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 259 (view)

Would you date someone who is disabled? Posted: 9/13/2009 11:19:12 AM
I would absolutely date and marry someone with a disability as long as that disability didn't prevent us from communicating easily or being intimate. It couldn't simply be a platonic love. For example, I have a great deal of difficulty picturing myself with a woman who was unable to hear. As a blind man, my world is largely based upon sound. I would want to find someone who could appreciate what I've discovered in life and who I could genuinely have a positive impact upon. I don't mind pushing a wheelchair provided she can tell me of obstacles ahead of us in timely fashion. Reaching for objects or moving heavy ones is quite alright with me provided they're not impossible for me to lift. I'm no Superman. I could likely fall in love with someone who had mild mental challenges. Keeping notes, keeping things organised, remembering stuff, etc, aren't problems for me. However, she would need to be able to have a good thoughtful conversation as ideas are what I live for. The big thing is that she has an overall positive attitude towards life in general and towards other people. Also, I couldn't fall in love with someone who had to live in one of those bubbles due to immune system problems. I'd need to be able to go places and experience life with a woman to get any closer than I am with the people around the world with whom I exchange emails. Quite often, I've found that the people who are the most interesting to be around are the ones who life hasn't swept up into its fast-paced race. They've had more time than most to reflect upon things and truly absorb the thoughts and ideas filling our world. All too often, people like myself who have disabilities are set aside. What we could contribute to others is ignored due to the things we can't do. The only response to that which makes any sense to me is to keep on looking for ways to contribute anyhow. Keep knocking on doors and do whatever you can to enjoy your own life and help others to better enjoy theirs. Sooner or later, I have to believe that universal justice will catch up and our efforts will finally count for more than surprised astonishment at what we manage to do. Thankfully, I've met some very special people over the years who are able to look beyond the average status indicators of success. As a man who has great difficulty navigating, I know my chances of encountering such a woman who was available and close enough to get to know are fairly slim. However, they decrease astronomically if we let go of our hope and faith. I may very well end up alone in some affordable housing apartment somewhere but it won't be because I stopped trying for a less solitary outcome. If we keep as ready as possible for the extraordinary, we can at times have fairly profound impacts on people from our positions on the margins of society. Hang in there. The right kind of women do exist. Hang in there and keep on slugging away.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

What do most guys look for in a girl when they seek long-term? Posted: 9/13/2009 10:27:35 AM
When people look for long-term relationships, they realise that one gains a whole lot more of a sense of stability, happiness and fulfillment from a lasting partnership. I want to find a woman who I can live the rest of life with who'll be there through all the ups and downs with me. I don't mind if we're rolling in dough or just scraping along. Life has shown me that honest true love will see you through a great deal. I would be absolutely willing to exchange the autonomy I have as a single man for life with a woman who respected me, shared my values and appreciated what I have to offer. The real catch is that finding a woman who would both make a suitable companion and be willing to become one isn't easy. I've found that out the hard and painful way having been divorced and more recently, being dumpped by a woman with whom I had become engaged. Having been through the process myself, I believe that marriages fail for all sorts of reasons. However, there are a couple of more central major ones. First of all, it's damnably easy to get swept away by love. That's essentially what happened to me. I ignored all kinds of warning signs plus more than a few concerns put forward by friends and family. Five years later, we reached a point where things just couldn't go on. That's the first thing; choosing an ultimately unsuitable person and only finding that out after the fact. The other big thing is that before one embarks on the journey that is married life, one's expectations are pretty much bound to be idealised and not realistic. Marriage involves a good deal more compromise than many people who've never experienced it would imagine. You marry who you believe to be an ideal partner, and then find out as real life resumes that there are areas where you outright clash which never seemed to have been there before. Someone once said to me that marriage was like two rotating blocks of wood turning close enough together so that they rubbed against each other. Over time, both blocks ideally change shape such that they can rotate together freely. Both partners have to be able to make the changes needed for lasting love and happiness to occur. In this individualist's world of "me first", people are willing to change less and less for each other's bennefit. Therefore, marriages all too often reach a point where one or both partners are unwilling to make the necessary adjustments.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Guys - How would you feel about receiving this text? Posted: 9/8/2009 12:16:59 PM
I hear nothing wrong with that text presuming both parties have grown comfortable with that level of closeness. Sounds like a good thing's going.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

More Meaning Than What It Is -? Posted: 9/5/2009 10:18:45 AM
I think that's perfectly acceptable. Both people have to be ready and comfortable before things move forward. A man who's worth sticking with ought to respect that. At the same time, one of the two is bound to be the first to suggest something like that so he or she shouldn't be thought less of for doing so. A polite indication that one isn't comfortable enough for private time yet from either party should be respected.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 1369 (view)

Do you believe that there are some Good Men left ? Posted: 8/31/2009 4:07:42 PM
Fortunately, this blink can take a joke even if there's a sad sort of truth to it. I am, afterall, he who walks in darkness. How did that Gowen song go? "A criminal mind is all I've ever had. Ask one who's known me if I'm really so bad. I am!" Delicious lyrics. Guess we both might as well embrace the dark side of the force, or should that be di vorce? I've even got a theoretically white shiny stick ready to hand. I tend to presume people in charge of white cane manufacture know a little more about colour than I do. Asking for a nice woman to come along is, I suppose, possibly a bit of a stretch but hoping to God that my cane actually reflects a car's lights doesn't seem like I'm doing an Oliver Twist does it? Best of luck to you. By the way, you're not too shabby with writing.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 1367 (view)

Do you believe that there are some Good Men left ? Posted: 8/31/2009 8:36:19 AM
Yes! There are a ton of good men left out there. I consider myself one of them. We haven't all found employment, won the lottery, etc. However, we're compassionate people who do our best to leave a worthy legacy to the world and those who we love. We could do a whole lot better if good women became our partners in life.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

Always been single and still am at the age of 31 Posted: 8/31/2009 8:11:25 AM
I can absolutely sympathise with you. Disabilities can badly sideline us far more than people who don't have them would think. At times, it seems like we're playing all our cards right and still losing. Coincidentally, I spent my saturday afternoon and evening with a couple where the woman has Asperger's as well as epilepsy. She with her astounding memory, mathematical ability, and caring nature, has been a good friend of mine since early university days. She met a very thoughtful, patient, and dry-witted fellow student who shared her passion for the environment among other things. These two good people are true friends of the highest caliber. It's important that we keep trying to reach out to people. You have a very wide range of interests in your profile. Look for ways of using those interests to engage with like-minded people. There are clubs for photography and things like that. Also, perhaps, there's a way you could volunteer out in the community. If transportation weren't such a hang-up for me as it is, I'd be doing that rather than finding ways to do good from behind this keyboard. The worst thing we can do is let bitterness get the better of us. There are people out there who can look past what we don't have and appreciate what we can offer. All we can do to attract them is live the best lives we can and find as much contentment in that as possible. Once you've actually had a relationship which has failed, it's far harder to find that contentment as a single person. Whatever you do, don't let your desperation make you jump into something you can't handle. I made that mistake with my ex-wife. Even when there are no court battles and no strings attached, divorce is a process which leaves its mark on you. I wouldn't wish that agony on anyone. Your profile does tend to rule people out somewhat. I don't know how seriously you take all that astrological stuff but you may want to re-visit that to see about changing the overall feel of what you've written there. You've certainly done well with the profile overall. People have a lot of hooks to open conversations with you. In my experience, there is a kind of universal justice. Eventually, it will catch up with us and steer a couple of good women who are in it for the long haul our way. As one lonely guy to another, hang in there and keep faith that good will prevail.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

How Long Before You're Comfortable To Meet Her Friends -? Posted: 8/21/2009 7:41:57 AM
It's hard to put a firm limit on that. Personally, I would need to have a firm sense that there's a serious interest on both of our parts in a lasting relationship. For me, having a sense of how well a partner fits in with my friends is a large factor in seeing how serious things get. Friends are very important to me. One sad thing I've noticed, having had two relationships fail, is that the other partner's friends tend to completely vanish from your life when the relationship ends. that leaves a gaping hole in one's social life. Particularly with my ex-fiancee's friends, I felt that loss quite keenly. They were all a bunch of fun, down-to-earth respectable folks who I got on with quite well. I looked forward to getting to know them better as a married couple. She also got along quite well with my own set of friends. We had some excellent times together. One feels that there should be more left than just memories. However, in both directions, there's no carry-over at all. My friends have stuck with me exclusively and her friends have never contacted me. Due to the devastation of having one's love leave, you don't tend to think about the friends right away. Their loss is so utterly overshadowed by the larger one. However, as the lonely months drag on, you really feel that loss also. Given that, there has to be a sense that things are on a very good footing between the two of you. It's a package deal and if it falls apart, half of that package is all but certain to disappear. A lot of good deep conversations ought to have happened. You should probably have at least four or five dates under your belts.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Netbook versus Laptop Posted: 8/20/2009 7:04:21 AM
I've been quite happy with my netbook, an Asus 900HA. Being totally blind, I'm constantly running a screen-reader. Even with that plus my antivirus software running, I still can do everything I could with a laptop. I get even longer battery life than most people since I can set the monitor to nearly completely off. One thing I strongly recommend is that you maximise the RAM in your netbook. I upgraded from one to two gigs and certainly noticed a substantial improvement. Other than that, I haven't changed anything else from the original specs. From what I've read and the reviews I've heard, sighted people seem to like the ten-inch netbooks rather than the 8.9-inch ones. Getting used to the small keyboard took me around five days or so. If I had to do any serious sound editing, cd ripping, etc, I wouldn't do that on my netbook. It would probably work but would be very slow. I don't know that you could hook up one of those tv tuners and properly watch TV on a netbook but it might be possible. My games don't require graphics so I've found that I can play pretty much everything I could before with only a slightly noticeable drop in performance when in power-saving mode. I presume you'd run into more issues running graphical games. For the things you indicated, a netbook would certainly do the trick nicely and be extremely portable. Hope that helps.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 50 (view)

Do you know what exactly what you want from life now? Posted: 8/12/2009 8:06:37 AM
I believe I have a good idea of the basics of an answer. At the relatively young age of 34, I've nonetheless had a great deal of time to ponder this. More than most of my peers. It doesn't bother me not having a lot of money. That's just a means to an end. I'd like to be in a place of my own or live with a loving partner. I'd like to find a stable woman who I can fully trust and love for life. Friends are also priceless to me. When all is said and done, I'd like to be known as a man who treeted his friends and family well. Enjoyment of life and having a positive impact on other people are also central to what makes me feel right with the world and with God. I haven't put all of those pieces together yet but I have a very supportive family and some truly excellent friends. I also know that I've had a positive impact on others through my writing among other things. All in all, I guess I'm doing alright when you look at the larger picture. Perhaps, in another ten or fifteen years, I'll have a bit of a deeper answer and the autobiographical book I've started will be the richer for it. For now, that's about the best I can do along those lines.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 2355 (view)

Has anyone been brave enough to meet someone with no pic at all? Posted: 8/5/2009 1:28:16 PM
I don't have much choice in the matter. Being blind, looks mean absolutely nothing to me. Fortunately, most people I've met during my 34 years on the planet have turned out to be quite reasonable and basically good folks. A picture is worth a thousand turds.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

If you have a boy/girlfriend how are you when they have good friends of the opposite sex? Posted: 8/4/2009 12:50:28 PM
I'm absolutely fine with that. When you get right down to it, you either have something special beyond good friendship with your partner or you don't. Don't expect your partner to just turn away from his or her long-standing friends of the opposite sex just because you've entered the picture. Good friends are absolutely priceless and a healthy love shouldn't demand they be sacrificed to it. One needs to be able to keep a clear destinction between one's friends and one's lover and have confidence that he or she can do the same. If both these things don't exist, then whatever you have isn't worth keeping.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 79 (view)

Is it fair to be friends with your ex? Posted: 8/3/2009 6:16:57 PM
On balance, I would lean towards not maintaining friendships with exes precisely because of that high potential for distrust it introduces into a new relationship. I'm familiar with a couple where one partner's ex stuck in the other's gullet to such an extent that it contributed to the eventual breakup. This was despite there being no contact at all between the ex and the spouce. He couldn't have put more distance between them than he did but the distrust was still there. Granted, depression and paranoia were clearly involved. Still, the point stands. There has to be a clear demarkation between friends of the opposite sex and one's spouce for a healthy relationship to work. Also, I guess I've come across too many cases where people have kept on friendly terms with exes and not completely moved on from that broken relationship. They want the benefits of closer-than-normal friendship without the life-changing commitment they've decided against. It's actually quite a kick to an ex's self-worth if you think about it. Basically, you're saying: "I once loved you enough to have spent the rest of my life with you. Now, however, you're just another friend since there are scraps of you worth hanging on to." Presuming a couple discovers early enough in a relationship that things just aren't workable, I think it's very possible to remain friends in an honest way. This would presume that it was a mutual decision. However, once you crossed that sex boundary and have approached marriage for a time, such friendships can get somewhat messy. This is especially true in a case like mine where she dumped me quite suddenly. I still believe we could have had quite a good marriage had she stuck with me. Instead of preparing for such a life, there's quite a large hole where she used to be which I don't expect will be filled for quite some time if at all. How does one start a friendship in such a situation? In all other respects, she would make a truly excellent friend. And yet, it seems an utterly preposterous thought growing ever more so as time passes. There are enough obstacles to love without inviting unnecessary complications right off the bat. Clearly, the right thing to do for me is not to do so and tough it out alone until a new woman comes along with whom I can start from scratch with my decks clear. Despite having actually met some exceptions to the rule, I would venture to think that this is probably the most healthy approach for most people.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

some advice please Posted: 8/2/2009 10:42:52 AM
One would have to really look at the circumstances and what the cheeting actually has lead to for the cheeter. Personally, I would never again be able to trust someone who had cheeted on me. It would just prove so conclusively that my trust was profoundly misplaced that I could never again look at a woman the same way. Having said that, I've met couples who have survived one or both spouces cheeting on each other who seem jenuinely stronger in their love than others where cheeting has never taken place. I've also read about enough people who were truly transformed by what happened after an episode of cheeting such that they would never do it again. Change of that caliber is certainly humanly possible. However, despite my overall optimism when it comes to people in general, I wouldn't stay with someone who had crossed that line with me.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Just wondering what I can do better. Posted: 7/30/2009 12:37:19 PM
I don't think it's a question of doing anything better. Your profile reads well and comes across as honest. You're obviously very compassionate and trustworthy. You're not alone feeling like you're being passed over. My blindness and unusual track through life certainly puts me off the common path presuming there actually is one. Earlier today, I read a message from another young fellow who expresses the same sort of discouragement. He seems a good enough guy who has his ducks in a row but that just doesn't seem to count for as much as it ought to. Rather than trying to change ourselves or how we appear, I've come to believe that it's all about doing the best we can in life, keeping positive and open to others, and somehow finding the patience to wait for someone to take an interest in us. Every time I've been inches away from giving up the search altogether, God seems to delight in surprising me. Stay true to yourself and hang in there.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 69 (view)

Do u believe in love at first sight??? Posted: 7/30/2009 12:05:58 PM
No. I'm blind as a bat and have been so all my life. In all seriousness, I think there is a part within all of us which is ready to make such leaps of faith. The more disappointments one has with love, the less likely one is to go along for that ride though. I fell in love quite quickly with my ex-wife. By the time I truly started to understand the difficulties we would face, I was already looking at her through rose-coloured glasses. Love certainly can sweep us away. However, it's very likely to be a love of our own preconceptions rather than the genuine article. I've come to believe that the kind of love which can truly stand the test of time takes time to develop. Even it doesn't always survive. I've found that out rather painfully recently. Hindsight is 20/20 even for a blind man like me. However, it doesn't always reveal anything useful to future situations. We're all so very different people.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

People with disabilities. Posted: 7/27/2009 5:58:47 PM
I'm very open and up front about my disability. If people can't deal with it, I frankly have better things to do than deal with them. A serious relationship ought to start on a foundation of honesty. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment by withholding such large factors. Unless you're simply going for quantity rather than quality, honesty is always the best policy.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 104 (view)

Women only seeking Christian men Posted: 7/27/2009 7:00:56 AM
We all have our criteria for finding happiness in a relationship. Obviously, the woman who states in her profile that she only wishes to date Christian men takes her beliefs very seriously to a point where she knows that it is absolutely necessary that a prospective partner shares them. Keep in mind that even with such a filter in place, there is still plenty of scope for disagreement. There are many different approaches to Christianity. The bible is an awfully large book and we all find ourselves drawn to emphasize different aspects of it. To an outsider unfamiliar with just how much variance there is within Christianity, I can appreciate how such women appear very prejudiced. However, they're merely seeking to know before things start that there is at least a modicum of compatibility in the area of core beliefs. Personally, I think that it would be quite possible for me as a Christian to have a loving and happy relationship with a woman of different beliefs. However, she would have to truly love me for who I am as a person and respect my Christian beliefs. Similarly, I would need to respect her and her faith. I'm not about to date someone who has a very selfish take on what constitutes a good life or cheerfully embraces evil. Provided that we're not so diametrically opposed in outlook as that, her journey towards belief in God and his son is ultimately between her and God. Presuming we shared enough in terms of compassion towards others, moral values, etc, I can live with that. I have enough faith in my God's sense of mercy and justice to think that she will be dealt with fairly. I won't spend an eternity up in Heaven unable to enjoy it due to being angry with God for how he ultimately treats good people of other faiths. I don't have all the answers as to how it'll work out but am very confident that justice will ultimately prevail. Of course, I would strongly prefer that our worship united us and that we went to church as a couple in whichever denomination best suited us and our circumstances. However, given a choice, I would cheerfully forego that rather than spend the rest of my days on this Earth as a single man. Jesus spent a great deal of time with unbelievers and I try to live in a similar spirit of compassion rather than judgmental ism. God wants us to have a choice whether or not to believe in him and follow his commandments. For there to be a choice, there must be one or more credible alternatives to it. I deeply respect people who strive to live moral, conscientious and compassionate lives regardless of what faith they might follow. That is what I believe Christ wants from us. Obviously, there are people both inside Christianity and outside it who I simply wouldn't get along with very well especially over extended periods of time. I've met Christians who are absolutely convinced that the dinosaurs were faked and that much of science goes against biblical teachings. Others believe that any extraterrestrial life we might one day encounter must necessarily be demonic in nature since they weren't talked about in the bible. Still more think that we live in the end times and that the world will end very soon! Throw in the whole question of predestination versus the possibility for randomness and chance. I believe that God has set things in motion and is sovereign over all without needing to control absolutely everything. We have legitimate choices in our lives and can do many different things while still following God's plan. God does play dice with the universe within certain boundaries. Should you decide to buy a Mars bar rather than a can of Pringles, you won't be smitten for disrupting God's plans for the junk food market. God doesn't care which side a coin thrown into a wishing well lands on. There is room for chance and randomness in my view. I would have serious difficulties relating more closely than friendship with someone who believed that absolutely everything happened according to God's utterly complete and domineering master plan. Most of my good friends in life are actually non-believers. A Jew was the best man at my wedding. Despite extensive efforts on my part to actually make more Christian friends, they have always somehow been too busy to see me outside of Sundays at church. God's plan for me, or just random chance? I don't know. However, I'm glad God is big enough to handle the doubts and questions of myself and others. I was an agnostic for around eight years of my life so I've seen things from both sides of the fence. Because of that, I feel I have a healthy respect for either position. I hope that all of these answers presented in this thread have shed some light both on and into God's kingdom. There is such wondrous variety of opinion out there.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 292 (view)

Does anyone have anything good to say about their EX? Posted: 7/25/2009 7:43:44 AM
My ex fiance is a very hard-working and conscientious woman. She cares deeply for people and has a wonderfully thoughtful open mind. When she has established herself in her new career and has had time to explore life on her own, I believe she'll make an excellent wife for some other lucky man out there. We simply met at the wrong time in her life. As this long lonely Summer drags on, I miss her terribly. Paradoxically, it's harder for me to think of good things to say about the woman I was married to for five years than it is for the ex fiance who dumped me right after this past Easter weekend. However, I can say that she is a very good communicator and sincerely wants to treat people fairly. Life circumstances and lack of opportunities have left her less able to be charitable with the motives of others than I believe she otherwise could have been.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 80 (view)

Can Anyone Relate to Dating a Woman who is Bi-Polar? Posted: 7/23/2009 10:34:37 AM
Only partly. My ex-wife had chemical depression so I certainly experienced the sudden irrational downward swings. There isn't much to be done when those happen other than being extremely patient, careful what you say, and not taking things she might say during those times too personally. they'll likely include personally hurtful things but it's the chemicals running riot in there. Think of it like a storm. Batten down the hatches and hang on for dear life. Hopefully, somebody else can offer some insight into the other pole.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

Things you experienced in your childhood that made you a better other half Posted: 7/23/2009 10:14:58 AM
I'm very fortunate to have a loving and supportive family. Rather than bannish me away while they were having company over, they wanted me present a lot of the time to hear and join in their discussions. This gave me early insights of adult life which have often made me a better partner. The extensive reading I did as a child also contributed to this ability to see issues from more than just my point of view. I've always had a healthy sense of the larger picture. There are always others worse off than oneself in the world. I tend to return fairly quickly to an optimistic and cheerful outlook on life. If there's one message my parents gave me consistantly, it was that things would always work out eventually. Another experience which has profoundly influenced me was being in debt. My father contrived a situation where I bought a game which he expected I would be bored with well before I had finished paying back the money for it. Although initially captivating, this was all too quickly the case and I spent around a month with no money to my name. That taught me the tremendous value of financial responsibility. It also was one of many things which have contributed to the patience and conciliatory approach to issues those who have come to know me often remark upon.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 154 (view)

Why are women so against dating a man who is 30 and living in his mother's basement? Posted: 7/22/2009 1:06:10 PM
There are a number of assumptions which unfortunately tend to be inferred by such a situation. In my case, it's a question of pure economics rather than capability. Until I get into affordable housing, there's just nowhere I can afford to live on a permament basis. Finding a job, especially in this economic situation, would be rather like winning a lottery. I'm perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning etc. However, it's easy for people to make the assumption that I live with my folks because I'm incapable of taking care of myself and/or a potential partner. They don't know that I was married for five years to a totally blind woman and that we managed quite safely in the apartment we shared. Also, there are the issues surrounding the close proximity of one's parents. It can be nerve-racking enough meeting a potential partner at the best of times. Usually, one would get to know a romantic partner for at least a little time before introducing him or her to parents. However, if one or both partners live with their parents, this quickly can become impractical. Parents put a lot of restrictions on our behaviour even when they have no such intentions. There's the whole "my roof, my rules" thing. My parents are very open-minded and easy-going people but until some special woman out there gets to know the man they raised well enough, they'll remain unwitting barriers to intimacy regardeless of how hard they may try not to be. From a purely sociological angle, it'll be interesting to see if such perceptions change as a result of these harder economic times. I wonder if the 1930's era had a temporary effect on such thinking.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Why do women think disabled men have no sexuel feeling? Posted: 7/22/2009 12:32:41 PM
There's a staggering amount of ignorance out there when it comes to disabled people in general. The whole area of sexuality is one of those taboo places where people just aren't likely to challenge negative assumptions unless they have special reason to. Unfortunately, it's also something which can wipe us disabled people instantly off peoples' list of prospective partners before we're given the ghost of a chance we might otherwise have. As a blind man, I have certainly had to contend with this. People will presume I can't contribute meaningfully or enjoy various things rather than taking the time to find out or ask. It can make for a pretty damned lonely life. All we can do is hope to encounter one of the more rare individuals who can look and think outside that box of "normal", high-paying job, etc. Such people are out there. It's important to keep that in mind and not give up hope entirely. However, one has to have realistic expectations about a search for love. There's no grand conspiracy at work against us. It's mere ignorance and social darwinism at work here. Even with a general operation like the vesectomy I've had, the level of ignorance is unbelievable. A lot of people seem to assume that it entails something akin to castration rather than the far less inhibiting tighing of tubes which actually take place. Before I corrected my best friend's falty assumption regarding this, I ought to have asked him how he imagined I could take a piss. The only hope we really have is to try to keep a positive and fair outlook on life and people in general. We have to keep looking for ways to reach out and break down those negative assumptions through friendship, patience, cheerfulness and contributing to society at large however we're able to. Also, being willing to discuss these things with others while not getting offended by the very ignorance which often proves more of an inhibition to living a full life than the actual disability. God knows there are days when I find that easier said than done. Especially when insomnia and writer's block gang up on me like a pair of vicious sharks. Thankfully, I've ditched both of these for the moment and am back in writing trim once again. Hang in there, dude. If we do our part, universal justice will catch up to us sooner or later. Best of luck.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

How does a man's brain work? Posted: 7/21/2009 7:56:30 AM
I would certainly hope he's suffering some serious pangs of conscience here. My ex-wife and I remained absolutely faithful to each other until we actually separated. There was a good year where we both sensed that things were on a one-way trip downhill but until she decided we should go our separate ways, I was commited to sticking it out. Having a marriage fail is easily the most emotionally painful experience I've ever gone through despite the difficulties we faced. There has to be a clear separation in a man's mind once he has taken on a commitment of marriage which should naturally develop during the whole dating and engagement process. There's one's loving partner, and then there are other members of one's partner's sex. There should be enough security in a marriage to allow for each spouce to have friends of his or her partner's sex without leading to this sort of horrid situation. I don't see how you'll ever be able to trust fully in him again should you actually give him the chance to come back to you. Whatever you ultimately decide, you have my sympathy and best wishes.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

What would you ask? Posted: 7/21/2009 7:24:36 AM
I would ask if there was anything I might do to be of as much help to as many people as possible which I have so far overlooked.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

So what do you all think... Posted: 7/20/2009 5:23:04 PM
Sounds like you're a lucky man to me. I'd let her know how you feel and get the suspense done with. She'll probably respond positively. Whatever happens, best of luck to you.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Online dating vs Social groups Posted: 7/12/2009 7:56:08 PM
I agree with Landra2 here. Given the opportunity, I would enjoy far more of my time if there were a place I could get to where people met each other in the flesh and did things together. Even if you're totally blind as I am, online conversation just can't replace actually meeting up with people in the real world. Unfortunately, with my particular difficulties getting to places on my own, life simply doesn't afford me any such opportunities normally. I have to present myself online in hopes that people who are actually close enough to make a difference will want to interact with me in person. The only reason I'm on sites like this at all is that I hold out some hope of increasing the chances of this happening. The forums certainly provide some scope for healthy discussion online. However, my whole objective here is to get enough real stuff happening in life that I no longer need such places. I spend enough time behind this keyboard as it is. If I can have a positive impact on people here while I'm engaged in this, so much the better.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

i need relationship help please Posted: 7/8/2009 7:55:47 AM
You haven't given us a whole lot to work with here in terms of detail. However, the first thing would be to talk things over together and see where she stands regarding your relationship. Presuming she still loves you and doesn't want to end things, try to find something new to do together. One of the major reasons I believe my last relationship ended was because my ex-fiance just couldn't make the time to do anything out of the ordinary with me. She was so busy that she was tired when she wasn't and just fizzled out for her. I was in so little of her life that she probably found it all too easy to just walk away. I had thought we had built something which could survive for a busy couple of months while she had both work and classes to deal with. I was certainly more than willing to slog through that expecting that there would be time enough later to repair things. She just decided she needed to be on her own for a while and broke off our engagement. It hurt like hell but I don't think I could have done anything differently. I hope you have better luck and are able to add a dash of different to your activities together.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Settling for somebody your own age? Posted: 7/8/2009 7:30:19 AM
I guess it would all depend on how that age gap was dealt with. The older party would really have to be good at not slipping into the whole "I'm older than you so I know best" thing. He or she would have to have a jenuine respect for the younger partner's adulthood and life experience. It would feel exceedingly strange for me to be in a romantic relationship with someone who's my parents' age around sixty. At my age of 34, I could see myself in a happy marriage with someone as young as 25 or as old as perhaps 45. Of course, my life has put me in a pretty unique position. I've only had the briefest personal experience with how a job impacts on and ages a person. I haven't travelled much either. On the other hand, I've had more time than most people to absorb and reflect on news, books, documentaries, and other things which I can access independantly. A lot of women near my parents' age seem to value my thoughtfullness, sense of responsibility and honesty. However, like my parents, they'll likely have "done it all before". All the aspects of life which I'd love to experience with someone who I loved and trusted; travelling to new places, attending public events, etc, will be things they personally have no desire to do. Within ten to possibly fifteen years on either side, I would think there would be enough flex for things to work out for people. Go much beyond that and I think you'd be looking at a pretty extraordinary match.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Is this asking to much out of a man? Posted: 7/7/2009 1:39:13 PM
I don't think that's asking too much so long as it goes both ways. There has to be a balance there. Also, both partners have to be alright with the thought of having separate interests. Compromise is an indespensible element of a good relationship and in that area, it can help prevent a painful kind of degeneration which I've experienced first hand. Finding oneself in a situation where your partner gradually eliminates more and more of your interests eventually causes you to do likewise out of pure self-preservation. At least a year before my marriage ended, my ex-wife and I reached a point where we effectively lived two single lives sharing only food, finances, sleep, and friends. A nasty death for a marriage I can tell you.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated Posted: 7/2/2009 1:33:36 PM
Personally, I think you have every right to feel deceived and not continue with a relationship started on false grounds. I say this having been in that hellish limbo of separation waiting until a year had passed and I could finally file for divorce. It's not a fun place to be particularly as, in my case, there were no financial strings attached and there was also no chance of any sort of reconciliation. You desperately want someone out there to give you at least the ghost of a chance as the loneliness takes its toll. It's a pretty certain way of getting passed over to indicate separation on one's profile. While I can certainly sympathise with the temptation to lie, I can't condone it and didn't take that corse of action myself. Would-be daters have a right to know. My divorce was an ammicable one leaving neither of us any baggage. There were no children either. For all intents and purposes, I could say with some truth that I was merely single rather than divorced. However, going through a marriage failure, presuming one has any sense of honour and conscientiousness, leaves one changed fundamentally. It's one of those one-way doors in life which ages you as you step through it. I'm not the same person I was before the experience. Though I believe I'm now better equipped to be a good life-long companion, it came at a high cost in idealism and optimism. One has to face the fact that love doesn't conquer all. I don't know that I could be swept away by it as I was the first time. It'll be a slower more careful building of a relationship this time around presuming anyone gives me another chance at all. I know a lot of women doubtless turn away from profiles when they see "divorced". However, I'd rather be unattached the rest of my life than have hope for a better fate lost due to a faulty foundation of trust. For me, honesty is the best policy.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Lower Standards For Free Dating Sites? Posted: 6/26/2009 5:34:33 PM
You know what folks? I just joined a pay site and spent a good chunk of this month's spare cash for three months of access. You've doubtless heard and seen ads for it on TV. I just had to see what was behind those ads while I still had a little spare change and was actually a single guy so it was ethical. The matching software is quite excellent. However, they strongly encourage you to try to get to know these supposed great and likely matches by exchanging short multiple choice quizzettes with each other. There are no forums at all. Somehow, these multiple choice questions complete with pre-scripted answers which doubtless rarely quite fit are eventually supposed to build enough trust between two people for them to at last start exchanging full-blown annonymous emails. I wonder if "when in doubt, choose C" applies. Guess I'll find out over the next while. As an extravert forced by circumstance to live an introvert's life, I couldn't have come up with a process which feels more demoralisingly inhuman and mechanistic if I sat down and tried. Has the world become so distopian that this exchange of what are essentially other people's thoughts is the new "safe" and glitzy way to get to know each other? It practically screams: "You know you've reached the bottom of the well in your search for someone special when..." Being totally blind, I'm perhaps more vulnerable to being taken advantage of than most. However, ever since July of 1996 when I published my first ezine, people have had my address available online. I've gotten a lot of free accessible games and even a few people dropping by to meet the editor of their free ezine. However, I have yet even to receive a strongly worded piece of hatemail. What are all those online lurkers and psychotics waiting for? They've had damned near thirteen years. Should I perhaps wrack up a couple more disabilities? I know there are bad people out there. However, there are asteroids, earthquakes, cars that are too damned quiet for me to hear before getting thumpped into, and countless other dangers. There comes a point when you have to open up to people if you want to get anywhere. This is especially true when it comes to love. You can't add to pre-scripted answers explaining the reasons for giving them. At least here on POF, I have the option of saying what I choose to say to a prospective partner. Also, there are these forums. You can actually build up a history so that people can get to know you and what you think on issues. We can get an idea of how we treet each other. I'd love to be wrong about my initial first impressions of the competition. I've been wrong before and lived to enjoy that eventuality. As things stand now, that's pretty much all the hope I have for walking away with anything for that hundred and change. If I had more change to gamble with, I'd put my money on POF. I feel better about the money I spent in support of this site despite not having to than I do about the investment in possible future happiness I just made a couple days ago.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Having what you need vs having what you want in a relationship and from life Posted: 6/23/2009 1:12:49 PM
Unfortunately, I think that a lot of people are in fact looking for the unattainable. They seek a kind of sustained perfection that simply doesn't exist in humanity. People change as they age. Also, once the reality of the commitment of marriage sets in, this itself can change both people who've taken that step together. When we're dating, we will often only see the best of each other for the most part. Personally, I hope to find a woman who is mature enough to look at the larger picture and be content with stable love and loyalty. I'll cheerfully plod through bad times with a woman whose love I can rely on. That kind of companionship where each has taken the full measure of the other and loves him or her for who they truly are can't help but improve both lives and be worthwhile.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 528 (view)

Do Women really avoid Scorpio's??? Posted: 6/23/2009 12:42:50 PM
Dear lord! I hope not. I don't believe in astrology or horoscopes at all but that does happen to be my sign. Wouldn't that just royally suck? Blindness, unemployment, frustration born of writer's block; No problem. Born October 29th, HUGe mistake. Sory, chum, but I'm afraid I'll have to dismiss you right out of hand given that life-altering blunder. Doomed to loneliness by an archaic system for attempting to do the impossible. I guess there probably are some women who would think that way but you'd have to do a heeping lot of digging to find one. Horoscopes and such are nothing more than vaguely amusing at times. Whatever sign you are, best of luck to all of us searching for that greatest of all fortunes.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

so I could use some advice... Posted: 6/20/2009 6:19:56 AM
Well, my good man, it sounds like you have indeed been snatched up and pulled through the one-way door of jenuine love by the scruff of the neck and then left ghasping for breath alone on the far side. Take it from me; You got off lucky. She made her decision sooner rather than later. It hurts even worse after you build up enough trust and love to think seriously over a long time about marriage and then get dumped. I can personally vouch for how absolutely gutted that leaves you feeling. I'll start by giving you the bad news. That's how us men are supposed to face adverse circumstances like this, right? The longing for that kind of companionship will likely never go away completely. There'll always be a part of you that feels like you're missing something very important in life. Once we've tasted love, it changes us for keeps. On the plus-side though, things do get better. Time does eventually do a pretty cracking good job even if it doesn't heal all wounds. You'll be able to catch your breath and pick yourself up off the ground. You'll start to enjoy life as a single person again even without that sadly missing piece to the puzzle. I've had to do that twice now. I can't say the second time was any easier or less painful than the first. It was just different. You eventually kind of hit rock bottom emotionally and realise that the only thing to do is get hold of your sense of self-worth again. Friends and hobbies can be very helpful with this. Hang in there. Things will get better.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

a few questions Posted: 6/20/2009 4:54:01 AM
The simple answer to your questions is that you've been unlucky enough to run into the wrong guys. My parents have been married for 40 years. I too have problems with the thought of casual sex without love and a long-term commitment. For me, long-term means being on the road to marriage. I feel this way despite having had a vasectomy and having been in a marriage which ultimately failed. Add to that the incredibly low odds of success in the short term given my unusual life and circumstances. Asking questions like yours is, I think, a perfectly natural but nonetheless unfair response to facing the staggering odds against finding someone with whom we are truly compatible over the long term as in the rest of life. I could ask very similar questions of ladies here: {IE}, Why do you say you want someone who will be loving, loyal, romantic, etc, when it seems like all you actually value are income and a nice house? Why are love, patience, loyalty, and respect all worth Jack shit if not accompanied by a high-paying secure job at the very least? We're all like parts of exceedingly intricate two-piece puzzles. Twice now, once on this site and once before, I thought I had found a piece which completed me only to eventually make the painful discovery that I was wrong. Despite everything, I still believe that patience and persistance will likely prevail eventually. If there's hope enough for a man like me, surely, there's hope enough for you. There are some terrific men in this world who are looking for the same kind of life-long commitment you seek. Hang in there. Sooner or later, we'll both come out on top. [No pun intended.]

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

what is love to you ? Posted: 6/18/2009 12:33:07 PM
Love contains an emotional quality and attraction to someone that I find impossible to accurately describe in words despite my BA degree in English. However, there are other aspects which are easier to pin down. When you find yourself absolutely at ease with the thought of spending your remaining life with someone, chances are you've found love. If you can feel confident that come what may, you can face anything the future throws at you and your partner and come through smiling, you've likely found love. Love makes us want to do whatever we can to compensate for any possible flawes or weaknesses your partner may have so that he or she can live in the most optimal manner possible. Love can make us overlook or put up with things we would never tollerate in anybody else. Love involves complete trust and respect for one's partner. It can propell us to incredible hights and bring out the very best in our nature. The only trouble is that it can't always conquer all and isn't always reciprocated. Having one's love unrequited or worse, betrayed outright, has got to be the worst kind of emotional pain one can suffer with the possible exception of the death of a loved one.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

What does it take for you to be monogamous? Posted: 6/17/2009 9:01:58 AM
If someone sees fit to love me and is faithful, she need not worry about my ever cheeting on her. It's that simple. One relationship is quite enough to handle at a time and a clear conscience is an absolutely priceless thing.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 1122 (view)

Ever feel like your going to be alone forever? Posted: 6/11/2009 3:14:04 AM
I feel that way quite often. I'm also a very positive person and, like you, it's mostly people who are near my parents' age who add me to their favorites or contact me. I've been where you are on countless occasions. For a couple of years, I had an extremely enjoyable illusion that I had left that place behind forever. Now, I'm right back at square one again. Stepping back and looking at the stupendous odds we face in our search for a truly life-long partner, you can start to wonder whether those people with less scruples have the right approach afterall. They always seem to find someone all too willing to overlook that and shack up with them. As someone who has experienced a great deal of loneliness over the years, I can't say that I have discovered any profoundly successful approach to it. I tend to turn to a good book or movie, go through email and such seeing if I can perhaps be of any good to others, listen to music or loads of documentaries, or visit the online chat communities where I belong to see if anybody's up for some stimulating talk. Not very original, is it? If I have a major project moving along, I tend to forge ahead with it. That doesn't work when writer's block strikes though. Although quite enjoyable when you're already in a good mood, I certainly can't recommend turning to alcohol when you're not. It might seem like a good idea but I've made that mistake before and it's definitely not. You end up feeling worse. If there's one thing I've learned from my experience with love, it's that we gain from our searching even when things don't work out. It's the only lottery in life with such low odds of lasting success that's worth playing. Keep engaged and hang in there. I know how damnably hard that is when time seems to stretch endlessly in front of you. Good people are out there for all of us. It's simply a matter of connecting the dots somehow and trying to do as much good as one can along the way. Sorry I can't offer anything more profound here but that's the best answer I can give you at the moment.

michael feir

Joined: 5/15/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

How do you stop missing your ex because it's so hard... Posted: 6/10/2009 6:36:58 PM
I know the feeling. I guess it depends on how things ended. For the two of us, I had every confidence we would marry right up until she destroyed the love we spent two years building in the space of around half an hour. I was ready to follow her anywhere, step right out of the confining but safe situation I find myself in, and commit to sharing the rest of life with her. Having that kind of love and loyalty thrown aside is utterly devastating. My ex-wife and I slowly reached a point where it was just clear that things couldn't work out. Not so for my ex-fiance. In a way, it hurts even worse because I still contend that it could have worked very well for us. There were no dealbreakers for me. Nothing that patience, time and the ability to communicate couldn't have worked out. She just suddenly decided to walk away. In my situation, I see a very long and lonely road ahead of me. Friends and family will certainly help and provide islands of pleasure in my frustration. However, even if I should find another woman who can look past my white cane, it'll take a lot longer for me to trust her as fully and love her as deeply. For people of conscience who take the commitment of marriage seriously and explore it seriously with another, there's just no avoiding that kind of damage. Her exes tend to remain friends with her. For me, it's really a one-way door. Call me Victorian but I tend to keep a strong mental separation between friends and a woman I hope to marry. A part of me deeply misses her despite the damage her sudden desire for a single life has done me. It's strange to have gone so far as we have and know that I could never just be friends with her. She could safely use me as a character witness in court or have a potential employer call me as a reference. She doesn't have to fear that I'll seek any kind of revenge. However, I just can't picture hanging out or having a coffee with her without it being very painful. Intelectually, I can forgive her and even understand to some degree. Emotionally, she's hurt me very deeply. I thought she would finally be the one to give me a real chance at a less lonely life only to find that when it came down to commitment, she slammed the door on me like much of the sighted world. I guess she has so effectively destroyed our relationship that it's clear to me that I simply have to move on and hope eventually to find someone at the right time in her own journey who will value what I have to offer enough to truly go the distance. That's easier said than done and I don't know that I have a fool-proof process for doing that. However, I'll offer the best I've found here. Perhaps, it'll help. For the short term, it's best to try to carry on with life and not to push your friends away. There are times when this proves utterly impossible. A whole lot of comfort can be found in books, movies, and presumeably, visual art. Having never seen a painting, I can't vouch for their effectiveness. Above all, your friends are absolutely vital. When the bottom drops out of your world, they're who you have to turn to. In my case, my family is also very supportive but paradoxically can't really do a lot to ease the pain. Starting one's own life apart from family is too large a part of why we seek life-long commitments with others. By being unconditional, a family's love is, in this instance, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It just won't quite work but is nonetheless helpful if you're as fortunate in that department as I am. Jump at new opportunities which come to you. I had hoped to explore at least a few places over a lifetime with my ex-fiance. Because I stepped out and joined a church near me, I'll be heading down to Chicago in a couple of days for a church conference with a bunch of folks I've never met before. I'm slowly and painfully learning to get to the restaurant where we broke up by myself in hopes of at least having somewhere away from home where I can get to safely. Getting out to meet people is next to impossible for me without sighted navigational help. I therefore maintain a blog and do everything I can to present myself well online. Frankly, it's the best chance I have. God might fudge the odds and have someone come along in church or find me wandering on a street praying that my talking GPS device kicks in and gets me home before I topple over exhausted. Faith in a higher power and some experience with universal justice in action give me a good deal of hope. God loves pulling statistical stunts like that when we least expect it. However, I won't hold my breath while I wait. We have to keep life going as best we can so that we're ready for the extraordinary when it finds us. If I can sit here with my limitations and see life as a glass half-full, surely, there's hope for us both to find love's comfort once again.

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