Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! chat & forums.

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Thread: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1430 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 9/12/2007 12:41:45 AM
Saint Peter and God are playing a game of golf in Heaven and Saint Peter is getting beaten by God. They get to the 18th hole and before God takes his drive he turns to Saint Peter. God: Better get your money out, cause when this ball goes in the hole I'll be winning the bet. So God takes his shot and just like that the ball flys straight into the hole, God turns and walks over to Saint Peter to collect his money. Saint Peter: Well you see God the thing is...I'm actually quite strapped at the moment so if it's okay I'll pay you later? God: Fine...but until you come up with the money you owe me you will not be allowed to step foot inside the pearly gates. Saint Peter: Fine. {God and Saint Peter shake on it.} So as Saint Peter walks back to the gate he's thinking about all the cool things he won't be able to see until he pays God back. Upon returning back to the gates Saint Peter sees Luciano Pavarotti. Saint Peter: Ah Luciano...the world will never be the same without you, but in Heaven you will enjoy all the benefits of earth but without any of the evils of Earth. Luciano: Well thank you Saint Peter...is it okay for me to go in? Saint Peter: Yeah...but wait a second I have a message to give to God, your going that way would you mind giving it to him for me? Luciano: I'd be my honour. Saint Peter quickly writes a note and hands it to Luciano. Saint Peter: Now hand that straight to God, don't look at it or he may punish you for break a law of heaven. Luciano nods and heads into Heaven...he heads to wear God is sitting on his throne and is welcomed by God. God: Mr Pavarotti I have been waiting for you...while here enjoy heaven to it's fullest and be happy. Go join your old friends. Luciano: Before I do Saint Peter asked me to give you this note. Luciano hands God the note...God opens it and inside reads. "Here's the Tenor I owe you...now can I come back through the pearly gates?"

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Chav jokes. Posted: 7/20/2007 12:57:29 AM
What does a Chav say to a group of soldiers? A'right Troops What's the difference between a chav and a baby? One spends half it's day drinking from a bottle and making nosense and the others a baby. Why do chavs always get kicked out of libraries? Cause when ever they see the fight section they think it's a challenge. What's the difference between a Junkie and a old persion? One reeks of shit and pish while the others an old person. Why do Chavs break their ASBO's? Cause they think that your telling them that their mate A has BO.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

UFC can not compare itself to boxing. Posted: 7/20/2007 12:31:47 AM
Tyson has a lot of punching power, yes..but he's never been kicked, taken down, choked, etc. Sounds like someone didn't watch his Lennox Lewis match press conference cause not only was he kicked but he was choked and held down to try and stop him bitting Lewis' ankles.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Bruce Lee hero or just pioneer of martial arts movies? Posted: 7/17/2007 1:17:33 PM
A bit of both, cause without him Jackie Chan wouldn't have got his big break and Chuck Norris would never have had one of the best fight scenes ever in movie history.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

UK horseracing Posted: 7/17/2007 1:16:18 PM
When it comes to UK horse racing sometimes I like it sometimes I don't, but then again I work for William Hill and now's all year round night racing. I like watching the races at work, I love itwhen a horse with a funny name comes over the PA as the they say it with so much enthusiasim, like one day when the PA guy said this classic "What a win there, the jockey really gave it his all on Beaver Patrol and ended up romping away for the victory"

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 258 (view)

who is the number 1 sporting legend? Posted: 7/14/2007 3:47:36 PM
NFL: Walter Payton Baseball: Ken Griffey Junior Ice Hockey: Mario Lemiuex Football: Ronaldinho Wrestling: The Dynamite Kid F1: Ayrton Senna Indy Car: Dario Franchetti Basketball: Michael Jordan Tennis: Boris Becker & Jennifer Capriatti Aussie Rules Football: Brian Shanahan

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 456 (view)

Joke of the day !! Posted: 7/14/2007 3:15:24 PM
Jimmy and Danny are out one day when Danny decides he wants to buy a new car, so Jimmy goes with Danny to get the new car. After getting the new car Danny decides to test how fast it can go, not long after reaching 120mph the car is pulled over by a traffic cop. Traffic Cop: Son I'm gonna have to ask you for you drivers licence and registration... The cop looks at the licence and notices he's from out of state. ...son I don't know how you do things in California, but up here in Kentucky if someone drivers their car at the speed you were doing their either a moron or an idiot...which one are you? Danny: Well off... The traffic cop smashes Danny in the face with his nightstick. The Traffic Cop: I didn't ask you for an explanation...I asked if you were a moron or an idiot. The cop writes Danny a speeding ticket, but before he can drive away the cop stops him. Danny: What now? The Traffice Cop: Before you can go their is one bit of business left I need to do. The cop walks around to the other side of the car and signals the passenger to wind down his window, as Jimmy winds down the window the cop smacks him across the face with his night stick. Jimmy: What the ****! The Traffic Cop: Just making your wish son, just making your wish. Jimmy: What wish? The Traffic Cop: Well about twenty minutes or so from now your going to turn to your friend and say "I wish that cop had tried that night stick crap with me".

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1168 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 7/14/2007 3:05:12 PM
Three mice are sitting in the a bar talking about which one is toughest. Mouse One: I'm so tough that each night I leave my whole go to a mouse trap and steal the cheese, but before the trap can catch me I grab the bar and bench press it 40 times. Mouse Two: Phuh you think that's something...I'm so tough that every night I crush up rat poison and snort it. {Mouse Three gets up off his chair and goes to leave the bar, mouse one shouts after him.} Mouse One: Where the hell are you going? Mouse Three: I'm bored of you two idiots, I'm away home to **** the cat!

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

why does it have to be more? Posted: 7/13/2007 11:38:50 PM
fewww am glad am old fashion. Old Fashioned? You claim to be old fashioned but never lived in the "Old fashioned" days therefore are just clutching at straws...my grand parents used to tell me stories that would not old blow that old fashioned statement out the water but quite literally obliterate the shit out of it. In the "old fashioned" days which include the 50's, 60's, 70's and even the 80's where before the word "Aids" came into it all, old fashioned meant running around having as much sex as possible. So no your not old fashioned...just someone who can't understand other people's opinions on this situation...but hey that's just my opinion.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

why does it have to be more? Posted: 7/13/2007 3:42:35 PM
what is the justification to contact someone because you have an interest but then still look around and do the same thing with more men? Why can't women on this site spot one up, talk to them to see if they like him and then either stick with it or simply say , sorry not working... what is this juggling between men accomplishing for you? Are you actually serious with that question, or where you drunk and thought it would be funny? People are on here not only to maybe find someone to date, but also to talk to, to hang out with and maybe just e-mail each other. Let's face it...it's just messaging, not like there have text sex or dare I say elicit dinners with them.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 248 (view)

who is the number 1 sporting legend? Posted: 7/13/2007 2:28:42 PM
That's hard...cause I watch so many sports, but if I had to whittle my list down to the definitive number one in my mind it would have to be the one, the only...Ayrton Senna.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Do guys really have beer googles Posted: 7/13/2007 12:13:02 AM
Has your friend commissioned a study on this or something, as to make a statement like that she must have put in some extensive "Study" time on the matter. Some men do have beer googles...but then again so have women, but to say that ANY guy would do it is weird as with everything there are some who do and some who don't.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Bush joke Posted: 7/12/2007 4:47:36 PM
Well being a Journalist for a major newspaper I would have come prepared and would have at least two cameras so I with each eye I would look through the view finder and capture possibly the GREATEST possible shoots in both forms as it would be the only way to capture the demise of the WORST ever world leader.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Can A Man Be Too Tall Posted: 7/12/2007 4:26:47 PM
Yes I am really 6ft 7 As for your advice...I'll try that, thank you.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Can A Man Be Too Tall Posted: 7/12/2007 4:09:55 PM
Okay here's the thing, I see women on here with "Looking for a tall guy" in their profile, so I send them a quick introduction to introduce myself and I'll get a message back that will simply say "Are you really 6ft 7?"...so I reply only for them to "Read Delete" the message. So what sort of height is considered "Too Tall" or have I just been unlucky with the women I've messaged?

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Tennis players who grunt...ALL THE TIME!!!! Posted: 7/12/2007 4:04:45 PM
I feel sorry for any young child who thinks "I'm going to play tennis when I grow up". I mean lets face it, they would have to study tennis on tv...could you imagine the poor child watching tennis and Maria Sharapova is grunting away, then Martina Hingis is grunting...if a parent went by the door at the wrong time they may think that their child is watching porn. "Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh" If I'm watching Tennis I make sure to tell people in the same building that I'm watching it incase they think I'm watching porn.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

funny quotes Posted: 7/12/2007 3:56:46 PM
I have a one that I use whenever someone asks "Did you see that?" I just say "I'm a Jehoviah's Bystander...I Witness F' All"

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Bush joke Posted: 7/12/2007 3:46:47 PM
George Bush is standing in his oval office practicing a speak about the current happenings about the war on terrorisim, one of his aides comes into the room. The Aide: Mr President...it's time to go through to the conference room. George Bush follows the aid who leads him into the conference room, there are presidents, prime ministers and members of parliment from many countries sitting. In the centre of the room there are many army commanders. British Commander: Earlier this morning there was a massive explosion outside Compound Royal Tea in Basra...but the soliders in the compund managed to fight the insurrgents and hold them back with no soliders killed on ourside. All the members of the gallery applaud the British Commander. American Commander: Today and zero hundred hours we sent a massive recon force into the centre of a area called "The Snake Pit", a few of the team where injured but we managed to snatch the intended target a well know terror major known as Ibrahim Khali. Once again the gallery died. South American Coalition Commander: Stationed outside a small town in Iraqi we had seen no action, but yesterday a bomb landed in our compound...quick thinking limited the tragedy to minimal damage, but unfortunately Three Brazilian soliders where killed when the bomb landed close to them. The gallery are in shock when they see George Bush break down in tears, the Presidents aide checks on him. The Aide: Sir are you okay. George Bush: Oh I'm fine...but tell me something. The Aide: Anything Mr President. George Bush: Just how many soliders is a Brazillion?

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Tattoos and Piercings Posted: 7/8/2007 3:27:51 PM
I don't mind tattoos...but there stylish and then having a body that looks like the side of a Formula 1 car or football advertisement boreds. Same for piercings, I don't mind them but when you get someone with so many piercings that they look like they could be made into a set of curtains that's when I think it's been taken a little too far.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

IF MEN WROTE Advice Columns Posted: 7/8/2007 3:19:16 PM
Q: Some nights I go to bed wanting to try and do something special for my man and he just looks it me shakes his head and goes to sleep, I try everything from candles, mood music and even a romantic bath...I can't understand it what have I done wrong? A: Like you say to us "you already know so I shouldn't have to tell you"...I mean come on if you can't work out what you've done wrong then wh...sorry for a second there I got in touch with my feminine side and that isn't happening, let me give you a proper answer. Just because you think you'll try something special doesn't mean that he will want that, I mean you love it when we grab you push you up against the wall and make your dreams come true, yet we are suppose to like candles, scented bath water and mood music. Next time darling...just run into the room pull the covers off and put him away wet, trust me he'll love that.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

A _______ walks into a bar... Posted: 7/5/2007 3:11:41 PM
A Man walks into a bar and slams his wedding ring down on the bar. Man: Bartender...give me a bloody whiskey and hurry it up. So the bartender pours him a whiskey, the man downs the grabs the bottle from the bartender. Man: Keep them coming, I've had a bad day with my wife and I want to forget. So after a couple of hours constantly drinking the man passes out, the bartender decides to check the man's wallet for an address. He finds the address, but realising he can't take him to his house he comes up with a plan. Bartender: Okay folks we've got a man here passed out, I'm willing to give £50 to whoever is willing to take him to his house. The bar patrons don't seem interested, but a wee man in the corner suddenly puts up his hand. The bartender gives him the £50 and off he goes. The very next day the same man comes back in, once again slams his wedding ring down on the bar. Man: I've had another rotten day with my wife...keep the whiskey coming as I want to forget. Like the night before once again the man passes out, so the bartender has to ask for someone to take him home...the same wee man volunteers so after getting his £50 once again helps the guy to his home. The very next day the same man walks into the bar and slams his wedding ring down again. Man: Bartender can I get a beer. The Bartender: Good choice...I take you realised drinking all that whiskey was stupid? Man: Nah...it's just the last two mornings I've woken up with a sore arse.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Why do guys bic thier lids? Posted: 7/4/2007 12:07:16 AM
Completely bald is much more socially acceptable than balding. In fact, it's stylish. Shave your head, don a suit, and suddenly Joe Shmuck starts looking like a somebody Only if they want to look like someone that will hear the following line at sometime in their lives "Have the jury returned a verdict". I've often had my hair shaved off, but going as far as using a razor on it every couple of days never done and probably never will.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

If Moses Had Been A Women Posted: 7/3/2007 11:42:02 PM
Yeah I know...imagine thinking women would only have Ten Commandments

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Times Are Changing Posted: 7/3/2007 4:39:13 PM
Through the ages relationships have changed so much so I've decided to take a closer look and this is what I found. Finding A Mate Past: In prehistoric days men were rumoured to go out and club women on the head and drag them home as their "claimed" mate. Modern Day: Men of this era are know to go clubbing to find a women, after getting lucky they are know to take them back to their place for a drunken fumble. Having Sex Past: Years and years ago women were viewed as the weaker sex and taught that they were there to love their man and create a family. Modern Day: Men have become more emotional...or maybe just more competitive as now sex isn't just done, oh no a man has obligations like give them the big "O", finding the "G" and hey is they can find the "A" zone then their laughing. Whereas women just have to show up...in modern days the impoteus as shifted onto the man. First Date Past: Get her to cook you a big slap up meal and then the man relaxes on the sofa while she washes the dishes. Modern Day: Get dressed up in "trendy" clothes before meeting your date and proceeding to spend more money in one night on drink than you will for the rest of the month. It has been demanded that more research be commissioned and this information will be made available in due course.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

If Moses Had Been A Women Posted: 7/3/2007 3:34:04 PM
I've always wondered how history would've turned out had Moses been a Women and what the Ten Commandments would've been...here's what I think they would have been. 1: Thou shalt be taken shopping every saturday. 2: Thou shalt not own less that ten pairs of shoes for each day. 3: Thou shalt not let a man win an arguement. 4: Thou shalt not be brainy if blonde. 5: Thou shalt get thyne hair done every three weeks 6: Thou shalt not do vacumming, ironing, dishwashing or cooking. 7: Thou shalt attempt to drink the whole bar when out with thyne "Girlfriends". 8: Thou shalt slag the hell out of a friends boyfriend when they art not present. 9: Thou shalt not leave the house without everything you wear matching. 10: Thou shalt be irritable once a month and blame it on "Hormones".

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

jesus jokes Posted: 7/3/2007 3:14:37 PM
Jesus, Tiger Woods and David Beckham are standing by the side of a pond. Jesus: You know years ago people really used to love me and respect me, they never questionned my existance or my dieing on the cross...I just don't know what I can do to get that back. Tiger Woods: Why not try one of your old tricks...show people that you are what you say you are. Jesus: Yes you may be right Tiger...you know what, I'm going to walk on water. So Jesus turns and walks across the pond, people notice this and turn in amazement to watch. David Beckham: That's easy I can do that. So much to Tiger's shock Beckham does indeed start walking across the water and gets to the otherside. Tiger Woods: Okay if that hippy and that English idiot can do it so can I...I mean I'm American. But when Woods tries it he slips under the water and drowns, a shocked Jesus turns to David Beckham. Jesus: David you really should've told him about the stepping stones. David Beckham: What stepping stones?

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

IF MEN WROTE Advice Columns Posted: 7/3/2007 3:04:53 PM
Q: My man is getting nervous because he feels his penis is too small, what should I do to help him? A: One option would be to take the route men take when asked that question you love to ask "Does my bum look big in this"...lie through your teeth and tell them "No of course not, it's perfectly fine".

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Only in America Posted: 6/28/2007 2:45:32 PM
Quite a few of the cash machines I use in Paisley have braille on them, I've quite often for a laugh closed my eyes and still typed in my pin code correctly

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1027 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 6/27/2007 3:57:31 PM
A women has only recently started driving a Taxi in Edinbugh when she gets called into her bosses office. The Boss: Okay Mary I just wanted to tell you that today is a big day in Edinburgh, you'll have loads of tourists in town for the Edinburgh Tattoo...but most importantly you there will be Japanese tourists and they don't mind spending a lot of money to see the town. So wherever they ask you to take them just make up a price that sounds fair and they will be willing to pay it. Mary: Okay will do. So Mary leaves the station a wee bit worried but soon picks up a Japanese tourist. Japanese Tourist: Ah pritte radie, I would rike to see The Castle...take me to the castle. Mary drives the tourist to the castle and when the get there charges him £40...after going to view the castle the tourist comes back to the car. Japanese Tourist: That was reery good, now how much to take me to see Tynecastle Stadium? Being an avid Hibernian fan Mary thinks hard about this. Mary: That's a fair distance...it'll cost you £300. The tourist hands it over and so as not to feel bad she takes a very long route. Japanese Tourist: For years I have wanted to come to Edinbruro and see Tynecastle stadium...this ell make my trip worth it. So the tourist goes and looks around the stadium and goes back to the taxi. Japanese Tourist: Ah that was reery reery beautiful...only one thing will make my trip complete, I want you to show me Hairy Twat. Mary: Excuse me? Japanese Tourist: Before I go back to my hotel I reery reery reery would love it if I could see Hairy Twat. Mary feeling a wee bit weird about this but knowing she can get a lot of money for it agrees. Mary: Okay I'll let you see that...but it's going to cost you £3,000. With money no object the Japanese tourist pays, so Mary stands up lifts her skirt and shows the man...suddenly the tourist starts gesturing with his hands. Japanese Tourist: No no no...you misunderstand me, I want to see Hairy Twat...Heriot Watt University.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1190 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 6/27/2007 3:36:49 PM
A teacher is taking her class through rhyming lessons. Teacher: Okay now I've let you hear a few rhymes already made up, but who thinks that they can do one off the top of their head? A young girl called Mary Brady puts her hand up. Mary: My name is Mary Brady and when I grow I want to be a lady then get married and have a baby. Teacher: That was quite good Mary, now who thinks they might be able to follow Mary? Michael Davy puts his hand up. Michael: My name is is Michael Davy and I want to join the The Navy and to see Greece and Japan that would be grand oh yes I'd love to be a Navy man. Teacher: That was nice Michael...okay who else feels brave enough to give it a try? The teacher looks around the class and only one person has their hand up...a young boy with Tourettes called Jimmy, after a few seconds she signals to him to give his rhyme. Jimmy: My name is Jimmy O'Day and I think that**is gay, so your Greece and your Japan...if Mary wants a ing baby then I'm her **ing man!

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

IF MEN WROTE Advice Columns Posted: 6/27/2007 3:01:06 PM
Q. My man has recently tried to get me to see more of my family, he says I don't see enough of my mother and sister and I must be feeling loney sometimes...is this a weird thing for a man to say? A. Sounds to me like he fancies your mum and/or sister and just wants to find a way to get close to them and what better way than to say "you must be feeling lonely" sounds to me like he's feeling horny and using you to get to another of your family members.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

how strong is your musical memory trigger Posted: 6/27/2007 2:39:53 PM
I was sitting in work one day and for no apparent reason I started singing the theme tune to The Wombles, so I tried to think of something else to sing to get that out of my head and what popped in...but bloody McFly, I instantly went back to The Wombles

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 50 (view)

Why would guys write just to tell you they don' like your profile Posted: 6/27/2007 2:26:52 PM
Because they are idiots who obviously have to put others down to make them feel better, it's guys like that who caused women to coin my least favourite phrase in the world and that being "All Men Are **stards"

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

why am i attracting the wrong guys???? Posted: 6/27/2007 2:21:28 PM
You could try fleshing out your profile a little more, it's okay to say you are honest, bubbly, caring and so forth but if you were to maybe back it up with things about you that make people be able to visualise the type of person you are then you might find that Mr Right may be the next person to view your profile. People want to know about the person they are reading about, it's okay to have a nice photo {which you do by the way}...but if your description of yourself sounds or looks boring then all the people will think is "Hmm nice looking, but sounds a bit boring".

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

why do you stop writting to somebody without telling them Posted: 6/27/2007 2:08:55 PM
Perhaps the person didn't know how you would react to him saying that, as I know people that on other sites have been getting on well with people then messaged them back to say they just wanted to be friends or thanks for the date but I think I'd rather be friends and then got back home after work or a night out to read spiteful and nasty messages. Or maybe he felt you didn't have as much in common as was first thought when you started messaging each other and thought it best just to stop now before it went any further and feelings could've got seriously hurt.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

Blonde Jokes Posted: 6/27/2007 1:36:34 PM
Three women who know each other are sitting in a cosmetic surgery waiting room when they suddenly start talking. Women Three: So what are you getting done? Women One: Well for years I've felt like a bigger pair of boobs so I'm going to get implants done. Women Two: As you know for years I've not liked my nose, so I felt I would get a nose job. Women One: What are you getting done? Women Three: I'm going to get my arsehole bleached. Women Two: Oh no I wouldn't, I don't think your boyfriend would look good as a blonde.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

IF MEN WROTE Advice Columns Posted: 6/27/2007 12:44:35 PM
Q: How come he can't find his own things?? It's always "have you seen my___?" Or "where is my___?" And of course there is often the assumption that somehow I am responsible for where it ended up, "where did you put my___?" What's up with that??? It's obvious that one day that you stole his heart so anytime he loses something of misplaces it he thinks you took that as well.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 63 (view)

Blonde Jokes Posted: 6/26/2007 2:26:10 PM
A man and a Blonde women have not long gotten married when one day the women walks in on her man in the bath giving having some "quality" time with himself. Blonde Woman: Would you like me to give you a hand? The man just smiles and nods, soon he is so relaxed that he nods off...but when he wakes up he notices there is blood in the water so he shouts his wife. The Man: What the hell happened? Blonde Women: It spat at me so I bit the **stard!

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1021 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 6/25/2007 11:54:34 PM
George Bush is on a goodwill tour of Scotland and is visiting a hospital in Edinburgh where he has asked for a tour of a ward to talk to patients, so he the doctor takes him into a ward and Bush goes to talk to a patient...but the patient. Patient 1: Ah wan day a went a wakin but I didnae ken for where and when I just a kep on wakin. Bush backs off from the patient with a funny look on the first patient and decides to try another patient. Patient 2: A never judge say hastey you'll end up lookin awa pastey wae sweet running dow yer facey awa the way down tae yer breaste. Even more scared now Bush backs off again, but ever persitant he decides for one more try. Patient 3: A wee sleekit courin timerise beastie wae so panic in tine breaste wae brickerin bratle. Freaked out Bush walks over to the doctor. GW Bush: Doctor is this a mental ward? Doctor: Nah...severe burns.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1018 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 6/25/2007 3:06:40 PM
There's a young farmboy who absolutely loves Tractors, he's got Tractor wallpaper, Tractor bed covers and even named his beloved dog Tractor. One day he's out driving his favourite Tractor when out of nowhere his dog runs across the front of him and is crushed by the Tractor, the boy jumps down from the Tractor picking up his dog and runs back to the house. He drops the dead dog down infront of his father, before running upstairs...his father suddenly hears noise coming from his sons room and goes into to see him ripping down the wallpaper and destroying his bead covers. The Father: So what are you doing? The Son: I hate them dad...I absolutely hate them, I'll never drive or look at a Tractor again. So to cheer up his son the father takes him to a pub, but after a while it becomes filled with smoke. The Bartender: God their is so much smoke in here it's driving me nuts, I wish I could do something about it. The boy stands up. The Boy: I can help. So the boy starts sucking in and all the smoke in the room disappears into him. The Bartender: My god that was amazing, how did you do that? The Boy: Ach it's nothing...I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Questions, comments, or rude remarks? Posted: 6/25/2007 3:21:45 AM
Dude you need to start thinking with your big head instead of your little head.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 341 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 6/25/2007 2:31:18 AM
A young man is and a friend are sitting having drinks in a pub when a drunken man notices them and starts walking towards, he suddenly starts shouting at the young man. Drunk: Hey you...I had sex with your mother. The young man ignores him and just keeps talking to his friend, but soon the drunk starts again. Drunk: Hey didn't you hear me...I said I had sex with your mother. The young man shakes his head but just keeps talking to his friend...soon the drunk is right next to the young man and has another go. Drunk: Hey...I had sex with your mother this morning, she had me positioning her this way and that way...she couldn't get enough. Suddenly the young man stands up and looks right into the old man's face. The Young Man: Okay dad that's enough.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

How can i improve my profile. Posted: 6/24/2007 4:02:45 PM
Yeah it looks better now.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

does anyone on here play disc golf Posted: 6/24/2007 3:26:00 PM
Might sound like a stupid question...but I have no clue what disc golf is, I take it instead of driving a ball you hit something resembling a frisbee? I'm from Scotland and have never heard of it.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

ive been trying diferent sites..... Posted: 6/24/2007 3:20:19 PM
Your profiles is easy enough to read so you don't have to worry, but all you've really done is say you what you like and what you are looking for...not really anything there about you which is the main thing people look for. Treat it like a job interview...if you don't sell yourself on your profile, then people might just say nope with out knowing you. As for the contact thing...it's 50/50 really as I've been contacted and have contacted so it's really who does it first I think.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 337 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 6/24/2007 3:05:18 PM
A man is sitting at his work and out of nowhere, he suddenly gets a sense that something is wrong at home...so he leaves his work jumps in his car and drives home as fast as possible. So he gets to the house and runs inside and goes straight upstairs, he walks into the bedroom and there's his wife laying on the bed naked holding her chest. Women: Help get me an ambulance...I think I'm having a heart attack. So the man phones an ambulance, after which his two kids appear. His Son: Daddy daddy...uncle John's hiding in my cupboard, he has no clothes on. The Man: He's what...god sake what's he think he's upto! The man storms into the room and opens the cupboard and sure enough their's Uncle John in the nude. The Man: You total **stard...my wife's having a heart attack in the other room and your running around scaring the kids!

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

will a guy forgive? Posted: 6/24/2007 2:41:13 PM
It's hard to judge this, as most times when someone says it was nothing...it just means it's nothing to you but to the unfortunate third party it may well have a been a big deal. More info would be a help as I really wouldn't like to judge it with the little infor you given.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 1016 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 6/24/2007 2:26:49 PM
A Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman and American are sitting on a plane looking out the window...the American is so bored he turns to the other people and says. American: Any money I can jump out of this plane, hit that cloud and bounce back into the plane like nothing happened...who'd like to take me up on this bet? The Irishman raises his hand and they agree on a bet of $1,000 and each man sets their money down on a seat, The American walks over to the door and much to the Irishman's suprise he does leap out of the door and hit a cloud and bounce back into the plane. Irishman: I'm for a shot that. So The Irishman jumps out of the plane, but plummets through the cloud to his death. As The American counts his money The Scotsman turns to him. Scotsman: You know Superman you reall are a sick man.

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 335 (view)

Post a JOKE Posted: 6/24/2007 2:21:41 PM
A Scotsman is sitting at the bar drinking quite a lot when the bartender comes over. Bartender: Buddy I think you may have drunk a bit much, maybe you should call it a night. Scotsman: Call it a night...today was the worst day of my life and you want me to stop drinking, I don't think so. Bartender: Now come on, it can't be that bad. Scotsman: You think, let me tell you about it shall I. For years now I've helped build skyscrapers, museums, hotels, hospitals and houses...but do they call me Jimmy The Architect, do they hell. The Scotsman takes another drink. Scotsman: On the weekends I do volunteer work, I help with charity, my sons football team and a soup kitchen but do they calle Jimmy Volunteer...no they don't The Scotsman takes a huge drink of Whiskey. Scotsman: Yet I have sex with one SHEEP...one sheep and what do they call me , Jimmy The Sheepshagger!

WyclefMirren

Joined: 6/13/2007

Msg: 420 (view)

heard this one Posted: 6/23/2007 5:02:24 PM
Pinocchio and Pocahontas were recently disqualified from a cartoon X-Factor, the judges felt that Pocahontas sitting on Pinocchio's face and sing "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies" wasn't really the type of act that they were looking to promote.

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