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 Author Thread: BPD help
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 45 (view)
 
BPD help
Posted: 3/8/2009 1:54:07 AM
Yes, the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a godsend for friends and family of people with BPD. I've read it 5 times so far, very reassuring and supportive and not wishy washy in the least. Good practical information. She has to be willing to face herself however slowly if anything is going to change. She's the only one who can do that.

People with BPD can improve a great deal. Cured is relative, but people can improve to the point of functioning very well and starting to trust other people. I have 2 good friends who have been diagnosed with BPD and have become relatively stable and good to be around. Very funny bright courageous people. One went through DBT and the other did it on their own. I have a great deal of admiration for one of those friends after watching that person go through many changes, although that person is still a grand pain in the *ss sometimes. I know of other people who I doubt will improve much and I don't want much to do with them. If someone takes no responsibility they can do you a lot of damage.

Pretty is as Pretty does... there is nothing as flattering or lovable as someone who adores you... But when they split it isn't pretty anymore.

I'd highly recommend the book, it may help you in making your decisions and knowing what your boundaries are. Because you'll need to know for the good of both of you. Best to both of you, and I hope things improve.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Making a woman laugh
Posted: 3/7/2009 9:21:26 PM
>>>If you make a women laugh that means she's listening to you.
Yeah. & if you can consistently make that woman laugh you're probably listening to her too.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Changing your Lifestyle
Posted: 2/15/2008 1:54:22 AM
I haven't changed as much as moved. When I was in San Fransisco I partied quite a bit but could be as moderate as I wanted to and still fit in. Where I live now I don't want to go to the parties. Everyone my age that I meet who parties is into meth or VERY hard drinking. I'm not into that at all, at best it annoys me.

There's something very different about the speed here and maybe everywhere else at this time. I worked with speed freaks in SF who maintained pretty well I think. But here I've been told it's being made from chemicals inside television tubes and other junk and the damage seems to be a LOT faster. I live in a small town and see the same people over and over. Some of them have gone downhill in 2 years as fast as I used to see people go downhill in 10 years. It's scarey.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Between Genius and Insanity
Posted: 2/15/2008 12:22:16 AM

From this crossroads of perspectives I assure you that the difference between genius and crazy is whether the thing, whatever thing it is, actually works when you push the red button.


yep. lol

I think the difference is sometimes only in the other's mind as well. If a person can't understand a conclusion even if the details are explained then it could be considered crazy whether it would work or not.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 234 (view)
 
Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 2/14/2008 2:41:42 AM
Probably, but didn't think of it that way at the time. If I did I probley just wrote the guy off as a jerk after a while and was done with it.

HOWEVER... I have a family member who has some sort of personality disorder and is higher functioning in the eyes of people who don't know that person well. I beleive it may be BPD. I gave up on the family member when I was 11. I figured out it wasn't me & although that probley saved me some sanity it didn't really make things much easier. Although it was hell I was lucky to have a solid sense of self that couldn't be taken away from me. Self image stuff- yes, I had to deal with that. Unrealistic social stuff- yes. Self pride or sense of self- no. I guess a lot of children who have to deal with that have problems with regaining a sense of self. I have friends who are also not BPD but who have family members who fit the description and a lot of them have a very hard time with their own sense of self. Sense of certainty is something that's brought up... I'd imagine people in relationships have to recover some of that as well.

And I have at least one good friend who probably has it. One friend who has some kind of diagnosis, probley I think BPD, isn't easy at all. I do care very much for her but have learned that it's best much of the time to do so at some emotional distance. And she is a person who trys very very hard to control it in herself. Unbeleiveably hard. If she didn't she would not be my friend. And even so there are times when I have to leave or tell her to leave. It's a very positive friendship for me because I can see some of the patterns I had to deal with as a child and it clarifies things. And it's probably good for her because I don't buy into her world when she goes there. But it's NOT easy. Dating? Heck you might not even know the person had it, but a relationship? No thanks.

I think if people find themselves dating people who might be BPD (or any other PD) over and over again... If you grew up with people who fit that description that might be more of an indicater than anything you're DOING on your part. It might just be that that is familiar to you. I can't say I've had relationships with people just like my family member- I stay away, but I HAVE regretably had some relationships with extremely selfish people which is close.

OXDROVER I have to say one of your "red flags" might not be so much of a red flag. I suppose it's sometimes more of HOW something is done rather than what is done. I have made many many immediate good friends in my life and have experienced mutual falling in love at first sight twice and neither I nor those people have BPD or ASPD. And the friendships and relationships were generally good ones. But... I have also had people try to become my friend immediately and had bad feelings about it and shyed away... There is usually something "grasp"-y or obsessive there. And yes, as soon as you shy away they become angry whether they conciously show it or not.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Individual identity vs. ethnic/racial identity
Posted: 10/14/2007 11:44:27 PM
I'm not directing this towards anyone in particular. Seriously. You can take that very literally. I've heard this same exact discussion over and over and I'd like to say some general things.

Color blindness and cultural blindness doesn't help anyone in one group to relate to some one in another group. People have differences in ways and unspoken rules of communication, subjects of communication, expected behavior, what constitutes respect etc etc. If a person is not open to that and very uncomfortable with making mistakes (we ALL make them!) or occasional ambiguities then there can be very little meaningful conversation between people of different cultures.

Some people may want to beleive there is only one basic culture in the US. That everyone follows the same social rules of conduct and eye contact and that everyone shares the same basic values. I'm sorry, that idea is pure unadulterated delusion. It's blinding. It harms people because it gives people with "other" ways of thinking and communicating the message that their realities are unimportant or don't exist. Or are crazy. It's invalidating. It's not meant to be but it's effect is to dehumanise any but the dominant culture. Color blindness I think is a defence mechanism that doesn't work very well. Learning to laugh at yourself is a much better defence mechanism IMHO. It's not about "we are all human and are all the same". It's about "we are all human and are all different" and we all deserve respect and recognition. Some of that recognition is about respecting the fact that someone else may think differently than you on some level.

I also think that pummeling White people over the head too much with guilt doesn't accomplish much in the way of meaningful communication. I think usually what you get out of that is someone who 1. If they take it seriously- develops a neurotic guilt complex and is a real pain in the side to be around. Concepts get warped with embarrassment and neurosis. It gets way too PC and that creates a lot of work! Or 2. Gets really angry and defensive and doesn't hear a word you say. Of course some people do beg to be hit over the head... Most people who refuse to listen to anything do need a little firmness or they just won't get it. But I think it's much more complex and takes a lot for people to understand what they've never been through or been exposed to. It's frustrating for everyone and it's also very very scarey for people to be "wrong" when they're from a culture where being "wrong" is about the same as being bad or being extremely vulnerable . Too much too soon just doesn't work. Some people don't have any concept whatsoever of what kinds of fears and situations people of Color have to live with. They can only see their own fear. Some people honestly think all that is in the past and go through a severe tramatic shock when they finally find out it's still here and now. For reals... No, it's not right in the least!! And it's not right at all that the burden of proof is on people of Color. But I'm not sure blunt force alone is going to help the situation very much. I think people change in steps and stages. Unfortunately I think maybe working with it is a #$%* frustrating art form that never ends.

Of course sometimes someone could develop a guilt complex but 6 months later get over it and be a lot of fun to hang out with :D Because now they listen and maybe you can have a real 2 way conversation!

I don't know. I'm half US French Canadian from a population that is historically mixed race. We are considered Caucasion but do act a bit different, and in some families some of those differences in behavior, values, eye contact and communication styles can be traced to French, Black and Indian cultures. For reals. Somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 of my friendships and relationships have been with people of "other" races or mixed races of all sorts. I have frequently been one of the few White people in a place. I've tryed to act as a bridge in many situations. The only times any headway at all has been made is when people are really trying to listen to each other and all are trying very hard not to be competitive. OR DOMINANT.

It helps if people are familiar with what their own culture is. It's very hard to see one's own culture- all people have a tendency to see other people in terms of their own culture and to take their own culture for granted. White people more so than others in the US. Yes, it's true! Some people have more experience than others but everyone I think does this. I do it too and OMG have I been confused sometimes!! So what? So isn't everyone else! Everyone gets confused when they are looking outside their own element. It's OK, really it is.

Anthropology can be a load of cr*p sometimes and can sometimes be exploitive, but some of my friends and I have been having a lot of fun with a couple of summaries of differences in communication between cultures. It's helped us with communicating with people who don't understand us and have been defensively trying to devalue our realities. Here they are FWIW. I think they're pretty good. Not 100% accurate!! Not all inclusive! Remember that! but being aware of some of this stuff can occasionally prevent some nasty little confrontations and hopefully lessen the work load...

http://www.awesomelibrary.org/multiculturaltoolkit-patterns.html
from;
http://www.awesomelibrary.org/multiculturaltoolkit.html
well worth reading the entire thing!

and
Summary Report of Communication Styles Of Indian Peoples
[N.A. and Metis]
http://www.lpi.usra.edu/education/lpsc_wksp_2007/resources/heit_report.pdf

I'm sure you could find more with google.



.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
mankind rides on the successful pickup line
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:01:27 AM
Hey Wottacatch, I still don't want to date you but I still want to read you! I'm the one who asked if you were published if you could let me know. I tryed to mail you but can't get through. Of course it's 3 months later and I guess you've changed your settings back... I probley could have gotten through then if I was paying any attention at all. Can you mail me or should I change my settings for a bit? Or do I have to virtually move to Canada?

That first one is hilarious. I choked and almost spit my grape juice all over the keyboard. What an attractive image that is isn't it? Online dating seems like some sort of weird hybrid between MTV and the Victorian era. No room for any mistakes like that!
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Explain the Analects of Confucius(1)
Posted: 7/14/2007 10:01:55 PM
Are the "Analects of Confucius" the same thing as the I-Ching? Or is it just that the I-Ching partially taken from them? If it's different do you know of any good translations?

I've been reading the I-Ching for years and really like a lot of the wisdom and philosophy. I get something about myself each and every time I read it.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
ladies!!!!! Whos your ideal man????
Posted: 7/14/2007 7:50:37 PM
Wottacatch, that's the most seriously funny thing I've read in a long time. I have no interest whatsoever in dating you but if you're published please write me a line. I want to read you. I can't message you, I'm in the US.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 96 (view)
 
Favorite paintings and what I like about them?
Posted: 7/14/2007 7:16:23 PM
Can't say I have just one favorite painting. "blue horses" by Franz Marc comes close- looks MUCH better "in person" than print. Gauguin, Basquiat, a little known artist I went to school with named Richard Flynn, Deborah Butterfield (sculpture), whoever painted that abstract expressionist painting of a dog pissing on something in that used book store on Valencia St SF...

Best art show I've seen recently; Cheech Marin's art collection that showed in golden gate park this year. Absolutely fantastic. The guy knows his stuff! Carlos Almaraz (wow!!), Margarit Garcia etc etc.

Tamayo. Don Van Vleit ( Captain Beefheart). The 99.9% of excellent women artists who don't get promoted. You can find the best art in cafes BTW...

I like passionate well crafted paintings that communicate specific emotions. I like abstract expressionism in particular. Abstract expressionism and neo-AE are to art what improv jazz is to music. Same language.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 54 (view)
 
What behaviors are you looking for on a date at this point?
Posted: 7/14/2007 6:13:21 PM
Active listening. I can't think of any behavior more important than showing good listening skills. Everyone has their own ideas about what constitutes respect, but listening to the other person will enable someone to at least have a clue as to who the other person is.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 64 (view)
 
40+ year olds that have never been married
Posted: 7/14/2007 5:25:02 PM
lol, I just never wanted to get divorced...
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
You Might be a Redneck if...
Posted: 7/10/2007 1:10:22 AM
>>>A couple of years ago (FACT) Texas passed a law making it legal to pick up roadkill to take home for food.
I think that makes the Texas State Legislature the largest redneck oganization in the US.

Haha. A friend of mine was in Colorado and they have a roadkill call list. She brought home an elk. Filled her entire freezer.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
ladies!!!!! Whos your ideal man????
Posted: 7/10/2007 12:58:43 AM
Johnny Depp without the drugs. Haha. What would that be?

This IS the humor section right?
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Her opening was way, way too small...
Posted: 7/9/2007 6:22:51 PM
I think lovin2blivin and julietjuliet might have the answer... It should be reversable and she may have to do that herself. At first. I doubt it has anything to do with self image or how she feels about you.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 3595 (view)
 
What is wrong with the persons profile above you in this thread?
Posted: 7/9/2007 5:58:43 PM
Just the sunglasses. I shouldn't talk because my photo is awful, but people may want to see your eyes.

Everything else looks great! You know what you want and like and aren't afraid to say it. And you have a good sense of humor.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 39 (view)
 
How long does it take to really know..love or infatuation
Posted: 7/9/2007 5:30:47 PM
I guess I've been lucky. I've fallen madly in love at first sight 3 times. Once was just a 1/4 glimpse of the guy's face as he was walking down the street. Another was from across a parking lot. All three times I felt the same way or better about that person years later. One man died, one got into cocaine and the others ethics eventually went too far downhill. When they ended it wasn't fun... but I can't say I regret any of it.

>>>How long does it take to really know..love or infatuation

Is there always a difference? I think you can know a person very well and be with them for a long time and still be infatuated. How long does it take to trust a person? And trust your perception of a person? Anywhere from momentarily to years. Just depends on who you both are, what you want, what you're afraid of, and how perceptive or conciously honest/deceitful you are.

People change. This life is short. There is no way to know everything in advance.
 LNH123
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 322 (view)
 
One third of older women date younger men
Posted: 7/9/2007 4:13:04 PM
I've been in relationships with both younger and older men. I don't think there are any issues with 5 years difference. Beyond 5 years there can be, especially if the woman is older. I tend to look younger than I am so a lot of my relationships have been with younger men. I have no problem with that but there were times I wished I was understood better. That I wasn't the one who the other person looked to for advice all the time.

If there is a big age difference and the woman is older then the couple can be teased a lot or other people may not take their relationship seriously. Or assume the man is after the woman's money and the woman is just interested in the sexual part of the relationship. But people tend to generalize in the same way if the man is much older as well.

What other people think shouldn't matter. What matters is if both people are happy and getting what they need.
 
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