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iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

Yes, I can Fix Him! Posted: 9/25/2008 8:04:33 PM
I have professionally been involved in a lot of divorce litigation. In my circles, we joke, but it is soooooo true, the number one cause of divorce is Women think men will change, and they don't Men think women won't change, and they do

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

Have you slept with a partner's parent?????? Posted: 9/25/2008 8:05:36 AM
iowaguysteve is that true? I am not doubting you but that seems...uh .. I dont know... unbelievable. Of course it is not true. I vote with the Ewwwww factor, it is just a joke I heard that seemed fit for this topic.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

Have you slept with a partner's parent?????? Posted: 9/25/2008 5:03:49 AM
In younger days, with too much alcohol involved, and an enticing 40 something, after much flirting, she asked if I had ever been with a mother/daughter. I replied with a stunned "no"; and she told me it was my lucky day. I followed her into her house, stubbling over the doorway. She yelled up the stairs "Mom, you awake?"

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 89 (view)

Would YOU recognize someone with NO conscience? Posted: 12/6/2007 8:55:18 AM
OP, I also read the book, which I needed after living with one for 5 years. Your question - how do you spot one? I am still unable to answer... These are amazing people. They have terrific people skills, are masters at manipulation, they can find your buttons and press them expertly, and they leave a terrible path of destruction in their wake when they are found out. I'm sure everyone with a personal experince w a sociopath will have their own horror stories, but, to be honest, I bet every one of us who got involved actually thought we had found someone really terrific at first, and when they(we) started to realized something was amiss, were in for the ride of their life trying to get out alive (emotionally, financially, or physically). In the end, the sociopath will always win.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Dating and Christmas presents Posted: 12/5/2007 12:29:22 PM
I could be this guy..... have the same interests, and am awfully hard to buy for 'cause if I want it, I have already bought it. Some thoughts... no 1 would be time and an event. Hard for guys to always pick interesting places to go to, and sometimes we choose what we think you would want.. Find an area winery and arrange to go there for an afternoon or a dinner/wine sampling. Go to a wine shop and pick out cool bar accessories with a wine motiff. (guys can never have too much bar supplies). Got a good memory from some activity that the two of you have shared? How bout something to recall it, memorialize it? (once, in joking w my new g/f, I mentioned how unfair it was that women always got the jewelry, and that I only thought it was fair that I get a "big rock" this time around.) I later got a gift bag from her, containing several Indian stone artifacts - some really old, neat, and of course, BIG rocks!) They are becoming a wall hanging now. Home improvements suggests a workshop. Alot of new neat gadgets are always welcome. He probably has lots of tools, and probably has good stuff. Whatever you get, go for the highest quality item you can find. Find something he has done for you, make the gift revolve around it (i.e. he hung pictures - get him a picture hanging kit and a cool hammer or level). If your social activites have revolved around what he likes to do (ball games or casinos) maybe you can open him up to your interests - get tickets to a play, show, event that you can share your interests w him. If social events are more into what you like, go online and get him a pair of tickets to his favorite teams game. Is he a master griller? Look for a set of super duper grills tools, real Tim the Toolman Taylor grill stuff. Stainless steel stuff that you could use to herd cattle with. Hope this helps!

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 113 (view)

If someone emails you with misspelled words and bad grammar, do you respond? Posted: 11/20/2007 12:43:50 PM
Nope. You are entitled to your perspective and you get to choose how you perceive first impressions. Some don't like .... long hair, no hair, too short, too skinny, too fat, too quiet, too talkative...... too smart or too dumb both get to count. And, FYI, I am with you. Anyone who emails someone on here, or posts a forum topic or reply exposes themself to the judgment of the reader. And, many times, in reading some of the replies on the forums, I can't help myself from going to the poster's profile to find out where and what kind of a rock that person lives under.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 61 (view)

CAN MARRIAGE CHANGE A MAN FOR THE BETTER? Posted: 11/8/2007 9:46:50 AM
No way. NADA. Impossible! Professionally, I do alot of divorce work. In my experience, the number 1 cause for divorce is: Women think men will change, and they don't. and Men think women won't change, and they do.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

When you can't decide if they're the one. Posted: 9/18/2007 9:24:26 PM
I seem to remeber years ago, in the dark ages, 'bout a song - "there ain't no 10" - I hear you that maybe this person isn't 100%. But, you know what, you may be really great, but it could be that you aren't 100% either. The previous poster who talked about 80% hits it on the head. you look for the qualities that really matter. Some of the others are gravy. And a couple are not even close, but what really matters is! And you know what, he is looking at it the same way! Both people are looking, you know...... and a needle in the haystack finding a needle in the haystack - it sounds good to hope or think that is going to happen, but, this is real life.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Where did they all go? Posted: 9/18/2007 4:50:27 AM
Mondays = they're at the beauty shop for a color, cut and curl tuesdays = pilates class, followed by dairy Queen Wednesday = book club, Oprah's gift to the world thursday = da mall, get nails done, find something to go with new hair and nails, that fits after pilates, and that matches the mood from the latest book friday = troll through the see and be seen in joints with her girlfriends, maybe drive by ex boyfriends place to see if he is there or who he is with, back to the see and be seen in joints to get plans for saturday Saturday = if no date, hide out at home, no way someone would see you out on a sat without a guy, don't anwesr phone on Sat unless caller ID tells her its a gf Sunday = goes to movie theater by herself, spends rest of day on phone with other gf's wondering where all the good guys are

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 73 (view)

Why dont women go for guys in Wheelchairs? Posted: 9/17/2007 2:51:49 PM
My son spent a little over a year in a chair after a car accident, then probably 2 years after that either part time in a chair or with canes and walkers. I could not believe how many really hot, attractive, and neat women he spent time with during those years. His chair was not an issue. I can't speak for anyone in a chair, but from my viewpoint, it looks to me that attitude is the key. Women (and men too) will be with people they want to be with, because being with that person makes them feel good.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 61 (view)

If You Could Fix One Mistake Posted: 9/13/2007 8:57:45 AM
Ah, fodder for Dr Laura's next book... For the most part, I agree with all who say no regrets, it makes us what we are today.... but... My first marriage was nice for a few years, but we drifted apart. We had two sons, and stayed together to raise them. So I had my boys, but I had no relationship. The boys did not learn how to live in a home where love and respect were functional. They were physcially taken care of, but homelife stunk and I wrapped myself into work instead. And the coping skills the boys learned were that you put up with things that didnt work, cause you couldn't change them. Great lesson, right? So when my youngest son was 17, and life dealt him hard problems, and he didn't have what he needed to deal with them, and dad was off to work.... I spent weeks praying after the accident. I only prayed for one thing...... God did let my son live...... That was 8 years ago. He is still alive, but he has no life... I regret that I didn't have the courage to choose to stand up to the problems of life when they were little problems.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

What would you have done? Posted: 9/7/2007 9:16:54 AM
Communication is so right! 4 or 5 dates does not a relationship make. It seems everyone is into reading signals that no one bothers to explain. Simple statements in a phone call could tell us that she is giving you a cold shoulder, so you start to look again. Or, maybe, she isnt as into him as he thought she should be, and he is giving his own signal to her that he isn't content, or , things could be just going terrific, and POF or some other site sends him his "matches", and in opening up a silly email he gets a case of playfullness, with no intention of following up but just making waves in the water. Obviously, the answer is for all of us to tell everyone we are writing to, talking to, meeting for the first time, dating exclusively, married to, sleeping with etc..... what we are thinking all of the time. You go first....

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

When would you........................????? Posted: 9/3/2007 4:56:27 PM
This is a terribly hard situation to deal with. In my experience, you go through several weeks with very little worthwhile activity, maybe an email dance, maybe a few phone calls, but mostly slow motion.... then.... the heavens open up and you have several interesting people going at the same time, and you get into a juggling match. I have had first meets with several people over a few days, and when I found one that seems to really click, I change my profile, disable it, and let the others know that I have another interest I am following up on....... and it seems like i have served them with divorce papers, repossessed their house, and set their youngest child on fire. And I am sure this same thing happens to lots of others. Bet this is the biggest reason why someone doesnt call after the first meeting, or doesnt return your emails.... cause the heavens opened up for them at the same time, and they dont want to get chewed out for choosing to look into a relationship with someone else.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Ideas for The Perfect Night Posted: 8/30/2007 10:06:56 AM
Wld blk orchid has it right. Take a fantasy or dream to the next level.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

How do you start over for the first time at 40? Posted: 8/30/2007 9:07:36 AM
Rosebud First, forget what you aren't. This is not about that. Find out what and who you are. None of us are 16, first date, never been kissed people. Second, dont even think that the first, or second, or third person you meet or become involved with is Mr Right. It will most likely not be even close to Mr Right - he will be someone alot different from your to be ex, and you will prob think that makes him better - nope, he will just be different. You will have to USE HIM, (sorry, but thats whats going to happen, deal with it) to actually find out for yourself what you are about, what you need, and what you have to give. Learn sex is sex, love is love. They are not the same. Sex can lead to love, love can lead to sex, but they dont always exist together. Don't compromise yourself, and don't ask any guy to. You can not change who you are to be acceptable to some guy, and a guy cannot change himself to be acceptable to you. You can try, and it may even happen, temporarily, but, true nature will revert. Be yourself. You will have to kiss alot of frogs before you find a prince. After you become involved with someone, give it AT LEAST A YEAR, before you move in together, or give or wear a ring. You are at an "in between" place. Where you are going to be in the future is not mapped. You have to exist in this in between place until you are ready for the next step. Enjoy it, find peace in yourself, learn to enjoy yourself (no one can care for you more than you care for yourself, you set the standard of how you will be treated). It is a good place to be. And this sets up your whole future. Have fun.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

When is the right time to say yes? Posted: 8/29/2007 5:11:36 AM
Ladies, its just as hard for us guys. For sure, some are looking for a quick romp, others are going through the process with as much weeding out as you do, and for every person with a click you have many without. And, if you find a click, you want to push things a little faster to see if there really is something to work with. With that said, and as we get older and get less concerned about what society says we should and should not do, getting to the physical part of the relationship should be just as "special" as our first time years ago. The mind is the biggest sex tool/toy - use it before the rest of you. And some of us are concerned that we find ourselves mentally/emotionally connected with someone then find out that person has a way different libido than we do is a big fear - could be a big reason we are here in the first place. My suggestion is that you let him know you are attracted to him, make it understood that you want more than a make out session someday, but need to have more of a personal/mental/emotional relationship before it goes there. But - talk, tease, torment, you can find out how the chemistry is without dropping your drawers and build up the main event as something you both are working for as something larger that a booty call. Mind sex is good! Anticipation is good! A guy that is interested in you will keep interested. As guy that is after fun and games will find an easier playground.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

What would you like to do if a female is taking you out? Posted: 8/22/2007 11:52:47 AM
Danger, Will Robonson, Danger A couple of observations. 1) You are going to be establishing a bar here. How involved, how much planning, how much activity, etc. He will notice, and in his little pea brain will decide that is how you would like future dates that he sets up to be designed. 2) You are telling him what YOU like. You take him to a race cause you think he will enjoy it, and he will decide that you like races. Every Friday night for the rest of your life will be spent at the race track. So, choose something that you really enjoy for you first. expose him to a part of your interests. He is there for your company, and is probably interested in what interests you. The dating game is to learn about each other, so take him to school.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

how far would u go? Posted: 8/3/2007 10:06:06 AM
Absolutely. Wouldn't you if the situation was reversed? And guys ---- check out the costume rental shops. Get something for both of you, for some fun on the town. Nothing like going to a live theater as Daddy Warbucks and Little orphan Annie....... or how bout the Tin Man showing Dorothy whats at the end of the yellow brick road.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Asking for money Posted: 7/31/2007 11:55:12 AM
This has very little to do with him and a whole lot to do with you. What is your fascination with this type of guy would be a question worth pondering. Ultimately we teach people how to treat us, so you have set the groundwork on this relationship, which is eerily similar to your last relationship. Who is at fault here? This says it all. Value yourself! You have met a "taker", you have known them in the past - they are familiar to you, maybe even comfortable for you. But they leave you feeling used. CAUSE YOU ARE.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 100 (view)

I think I am a kissing addict Posted: 7/31/2007 10:38:06 AM
The 12 step program for recovery. 1. Acknowledge that you have the addiction. 2. At least once a week (more often if the addiction is intense) attend meetings of your support group consisting of other similarly addicted pe0ple. It really helps to have a personal coach assigned to you to help you out when you have uncontrollable urges. 3. Make a point of going back to each person in your life that, even though you wanted to kiss them, you held off, and kiss them. Right your wrongs! 4. Attend lots of parades. Pay special attention to people wearing "Kiss me, I'm Irish" buttons. 5. Get your own "Kiss me, I'm Irish" button, t-shirt, hat or bumper sticker. 6. Recognize that there is a power greater than you and follow its guidance. One such power may be the "Love your neighbor" rule. 7. Continue to monitor your actions, and when you find yourself wanting to kiss, but holding back, promptly correct your actions. 8. Put yourself in places and situations where you have not had the uncontrollable urges in the past, and make extra effort to kiss or be kissed there. Get out of your rut! 9. When you find yourself in those situations where you normally do have exceptionally strong urges to kiss, change the mix - kiss upside down, turn the lights on/off, go on top/on bottom/side by side, kiss something besides lips - anything to vary the normal delivery of the kiss. A true addication can handle all sorts of variety. 10. Take an inventory of when you have been kissed, and where NOT. Take action to get rid of all places on the where not list. 11. With the assistance of your personal recovery coach, determine if all kissing techniques available have been investigated and tested. Do a little research - you want to get this right, don't you? 12. Each time that you feel you have properly addressed your addication, give thanks to the power greater than you that is leading you into your new life.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

needing advise Posted: 7/29/2007 8:33:26 AM
OP, You are 3-4 week sinto a relationship. So is he. Things may be going great for you, but neither of you have enough info to say where this is going. You have agreed to be exclusive. I think that you need to chill out a little and let your relationship grow. See where and how it goes. She may actually be his big sis/ little sis type of person, someone who he has a non romantic relationship with that he used for a sounding board on how things are developing with you. Of course, he could be playing you, keeping someone on the side, hedging his bets if your divorce falls through, etc. That fact is, YOU DON'T KNOW. I personally would find going through my messages or phone to be pretty invasive - I can't imagine me doing that with someome I was involved with for 3-4 weeks, and I would be very leery of the woman who did that. Is the problem that he has a friend, or that you are insecure. The breakup of this relationship should not be blamed on him having a friend. Take a little responsibily for your thoughts, and ask if your lack of trust is pushing things a direection that you don't want to go. When I read the threads here on the no 1 deal breaker for women, if seems the majority of posts say "trust". Trust is a 2 way street.

iowaguysteve

Joined: 7/11/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Please, read and tell me if it is just me or not... Posted: 7/23/2007 6:34:23 AM
A couple of years ago I went toa relationship workshop that dealt with this issue entirely. The premise was that the people that we choose have traits that we are attracted to because those traits mimic issues we did not handle as young people. i.e. if non acceptance by parents was a childhod issue, the people we choose also have non acceptance as their issue. We are attracted to people who's inner psycic injuries mimic ours, and that is our internal way of try to heal ourselves.

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