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ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Political correctness... Posted: 2/14/2006 6:49:45 PM
Occasionally I see a poster trash all men or all women, but most of the time, the term deadbeat is used to describe the person's ex and not one gender as a whole. My ex has actually tried harder to spend time with his kids since we split up. He's always been financially responsible (I'm lucky). My sister's ex is a deadbeat. He'll quit a job before he'll let children's services up his child support. He signed over all parental rights on his first two kids so he wouldn't have to pay his first ex child support. I think deadbeat IS the politically correct term for him because I'm sure my post would be removed if I wrote what I really think of the jerk. ;) T

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

Why are kids so cruel???? Posted: 2/13/2006 7:16:48 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, n8ive Mandy. The poem is beautiful and thank you for including the author's name. She deserves credit for her work. T

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

Why are kids so cruel???? Posted: 2/13/2006 7:12:42 PM
ns1014, Thanks for your kind words. Honestly, I rarely think about that person anymore unless the topic of bullying is brought up. As I'm not a violent person, it always makes me pause when I think of the anger he brought out in me...and I remember to teach my kids not to join in games of taunting. Whitecats, My oldest daughter doesn't always understand when people are making fun of her because her IQ is quite low, but her sister understands. Her sister is very defensive and it hurts her to see her older sister belittled. I've always told her the same thing: the other kids make fun of my oldest daughter's speech and behavior because they don't understand. They're the ones with the problem. My daughter cannot help or change how she was born. They have the intelligence to learn but they chose to live in ignorance. They're the ones I pity. T

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Why are kids so cruel???? Posted: 2/11/2006 5:46:32 AM
Synical, that is so cool that your son was invited to a birthday party! My 10 yr. old son (with similar issues to your son) would love to have friends invite him over to play. He's tried so hard in the past, even inviting kids to his birthday party, but none have ever come. It breaks my heart. We've recently moved to a new school district and he seems much happier here. I'm hoping he finally makes some friends. NS1014, it's wonderful that you're able to have such conversations with your daughters. It's tough but well worth it. Kids are cruel and some don't understand how they're hurting other kids, they can't empathize and haven't been taught compassion. I was severely bullied as a teen by one boy in particular. He walked in front of my car one day when I was leaving school and he has no clue how close I came to running him over.... and I was a VERY meek and mild teen. As an adult, I understand now that he turned all the anger of his parents divorce against the kids around him. While I can sympathize with his pain, I can't condone his actions and his parents shouldn't have either....it came very close to costing him his life. My kids have been the targets of bullying more than once, and will be again I'm sure. One girl (8) was calling my autistic daughter names while wearing a W.W.J.D. bracelet. I was mad, but I calmly said, "What would Jesus do? Well, he certainly wouldn't be making fun of those less fortunate than him." She was mortified....and just a few days ago (she's 12 now) she defended my daughter against the taunting of an older classmate. Kids can be taught empathy but some parents aren't capable of teaching it. I would like to see ethics and compassion taught in schools. I know, schools have a hard enough time just teaching the basics, but if we want to see an end to school shootings, we have to find some way of teaching these bullies that what they're doing is not only wrong, but dangerous. T

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

my 12 year old daughter has eliepsy..... Posted: 2/6/2006 7:49:32 PM
There are pros and cons to socialized medicine. At least the pediatrician is checking with the neurologist, but personally, I'd hate having to get the information second hand. I'd rather speak to the neurologist myself. But maybe that's just me. I tend to be pushy when it comes to getting answers about my kids' health. Thing is, theraputic levels are where the "average" patient sees benefits and at least partial seizure control, if your daughter's seizures are under control with a lower dose, one that doesn't affect her behavior so adversely then I'd ask the doctor about keeping her at the lower dose...of course that depends on the severity of her seizures. My son was at a very high dose, even though it made him quite loopy because we weren't achieving seizure control at the lower doses. As his seizures were life threatening (he stopped breathing and his heart barely beat) we opted for the higher dose. It was a nasty trade off as he was so stoned from the meds that it's put him behind in school. These decisions are never easy. Hang in there! T

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

my 12 year old daughter has eliepsy..... Posted: 2/5/2006 8:07:58 PM
Why did the pediatrician raise her dose? My son's neurologist would have been seriously ticked if another doctor had changed my son's dosage without consulting him first. The average pediatrician doesn't have the experience with seizure meds that the neurologist has. If your daughter isn't having a lot of breakthrough seizures, I'd ask about changing the meds. My son's seizures were far less frequent on Depakote, but no one could stand to be around him for about an hour after he took a dose, lots of anger outbursts and violence. His behavior improved as the medicine wore off...until the next dose. We didn't change meds because we'd already tried a few others and were having a lot of trouble controlling his seizures. Thankfully he's been seizure free and off the meds for 2 and 1/2 years. :D T

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

my 12 year old daughter has eliepsy..... Posted: 1/31/2006 1:13:32 PM
Kymbie the best thing you can do for your daughter is to show her that epilepsy isn't the scary stigma some people may make it out to be. Surround yourself and her with people who are supportive so that when she grows up, she will continue to chose those sorts of people. My former sister-in-law didn't develop seizures until she was 33. She has the occasional breakthrough seizure but all of her friends and co-workers know it's a possibility. They treat her as normal as she allows (she's quite the diva) and they look out for her when it happens. There are lots of adults with epilepsy living every day lives. My former sil works 40-50 hours a week and goes out with her friends all the time. Check with your local Epilepsy Foundation chapter for more information and support. Some chapters are better than others, I'm lucky to live close to a very active group. :) T.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 16 (view)

my 12 year old daughter has eliepsy..... Posted: 1/30/2006 7:37:12 PM
1) Hmmm...what's worse? A father who chooses not to be there, or one who's there physically but not emotionally? All kids internalize and blame themselves for their parents' divorce (some obsess about it and it becomes an issue, others move on fairly quickly). I tell my kids that their father does love them, he just doesn't know how to show it. That's his issue, not theirs. I don't bad mouth him, but if they come ask questions, I answer honestly...like recently when he was making them feel guilty about his financial problems, he was trying to blame it on me. I explained how 401k's work and that there are taxes and penalties for early withdrawal. Instead of making it just about him, I used the situation to discuss finances, future planning, taxes and good decision making skills. This discuss was radically different in length and complexity depending on which child I was talking to and how much they can understand. 2) Talk to her neurologist. Changing meds can be very risky, but ask if there's a way to help with the weight, exercise, taking the meds with/without food. Twelve is such a tough age for girls and body image is a big concern. Talk to her doctors but do take care not to let your daughter see you making this an issue or she'll become even more insecure. This is one nasty tightrope to walk. 3) I'm glad to see that you've gotten such good advice on this one. It's tough when you have a sick or special needs kids to discipline them, but you do need to be consistent. My 12 year old gets mad some days because she thinks I let her 14 yr. old sister get by with too much and I have to explain that the 14 yr. old IS disciplined but I can't expect her to behave like the average teen. I do my best to teach all my kids how to be decent human beings but I do have to keep in mind their level of ability. Since it sounds like there's nothing wrong with your daughter mentally or emotionally, don't back off the discipline just because she's facing a health issue. She'll feel a lot more secure if she knows where the boundaries are. 4) My son had seizures from 7 mos. to 5 1/2 years. He's thankfully outgrown them though I suspect he's having some minor seizure activity from time to time. (he's still being monitored by his neurologist because of this). His seizures were triggered by pain, fear and anger. Mainly anger. His first neurologist told me that if anger seemed to trigger them, not to let him get mad. Yeah right!! Keep a toddler from getting mad??? Anyway, trying to keep him calm led to a LOT of behavior issues later, not just because of the lack of discipline but because he was either unconscious from the seizures or so doped on the meds that he didn't learn emotional control when he should have. It's taken over 4 years to get him close to grade level socially. If you can avoid this type of situation I would recommend it! Don't back off from disciplining your daughter. T. PS> rogue, move to the US and we'll talk.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 22 (view)

Would you date a woman with a special needs child? Posted: 1/30/2006 7:01:09 PM
I don't meet a lot of single men so I can't say that my kids would deter them. My oldest is 14 with an IQ and EQ of about 4 or 5 so when I'm out in public with her, we get a lot of stares as she looks "normal" but behaves far younger. I haven't decided if it's her behavior, my shyness or just the fact that I have kids with me that keeps men from approaching me. Sorry I don't have any answers for you, but I do know that it will be some time before I'll introduce a man I'm dating to my kids...and that includes my "normal" kids. I don't want my kids getting attached to someone that isn't a serious/potentially permanent relationship. My divorce has been difficult enough on them. T.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 31 (view)

Do kids have rights to parents? Posted: 7/16/2005 4:28:11 PM
..."why does every single mother I know have the kids and the dad only has them every other weekend?" His response? "Because that's how the dads usually want it". Sadly, he's right. My ex said he wanted the kids as much as he could have them, but he only sees them when it's convenient for him. The first 6 mos. we were separated, he only had them on average 13 hours a month. That's it. Now that he has his own house, he sees them every other weekend, but I figure that will last until he gets a serious girlfriend. Then he'll start coming up with excuses not to be there for them. He has a right to be their father but only he can live up to that privilege and responsibility.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 28 (view)

What's in a (last) name? Posted: 7/16/2005 4:15:13 PM
I thought about this a lot too, ky_jello. What I finally decided was that if I do meet someone and remarry, then I'm probably going to have a different name than my kids anyway so one way or another, our names might not match. And like you, I was naive...I didn't think I'd ever be facing this decision. Back when I thought I'd be married forever, I thought if something terrible like a divorce ever happened, that I wouldn't change my name. Now that it has, I want my name back. It's a rather symbolic way of taking my life back. My kids are 9, 12 & 13. They don't have a problem with it, but then because of divorces, remarriages and single parents who never married, they have a lot of classmates who don't have the same last name as their parents.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 27 (view)

What's in a (last) name? Posted: 7/16/2005 4:12:03 PM
fishateme, if your son is 12 then he should be old enough to ask his opinion on this. If he's okay with the way things are, then I wouldn't change it. If he would like to share your last name, then do it. But I wouldn't say he's too young to understand...but I don't know your son so I can't judge his maturity level.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man. Posted: 7/16/2005 4:08:33 PM
I hate to agree with onthebus44 about this one but he has a point. How do you know it's an excuse? I thought that a lot of guys would run for cover at the very mention of my special needs kids but so far what's turned most of them off is that I don't drink. (don't intend to and don't want to be their designated driver). I'm very blunt and upfront about my kids, we're a package dea. My oldest is mentally handicapped with a lot of austistic traits. She's never going to live on her own, she will always need some sort of assisted living. If a guy can't accept that, then he's not someone I need to be with. Been there, done that with her father. He couldn't accept it either...oh he says he can, but he never even speaks to her unless she gets right up in his face. A lot of people are frightened, both men and women. They don't know what to say, how to react and when they hear that you have a special needs kid, they get scared that you're going to be very needy and they don't want that kind of responsibility. These are people you don't need in your life any more than the rest of the special needs parents do. You have enough on your plate without wasting time worrying about them. Sasssy, if you're concerned about your son, listen to your gut. I argued for 2 1/2 years that something was wrong with my daughter. FOUR different pediatricians said that she would "outgrow her speech delay". Um, yeah right. At 13 she has an IQ of 60, WAY below normal, but her physical developement was right on target or even a bit above average when she was a baby. If your son has a speech delay, try to get him into some sort of speech therapy regardless of his lack of diagnosis. Not being able to communicate is extremely frustrating for a young child (just think how you would feel if you knew what you wanted but couldn't tell anyone). Giving him the means to communicate can lessen the crying.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

recommend a good dog for kids Posted: 7/16/2005 3:52:26 PM
A lab could still work for you even if you don't want a really large dog. You just need to find an English type instead of the American type. The American type can be very large (mine run from 65 - 110 lbs). The English type are shorter, stockier and from what I've seen, a lot calmer. Labs can handle being out in the weather year round with a proper house and plenty of bedding. My dogs are out year round and Ohio winters can get pretty chilly too. I just stuff their dog houses with straw. They love it! They get in and move it all around and it's just the way they want it. Keeping the house out of the direct wind is a must though. Mutts can be great too, they're all I had growing up. Someone recommended Boxers. I haven't had very good luck with them. They started out great as puppies but became too territorial and aggressive as they aged. The biggest drawback I'm seeing to a lot of the pure breeds is that they don't live very long. 8-10 years is about it for a lot of them. My mom had a sweet heart of an English Bulldog, but she only lived 6 1/2 years. And if your kids are young, they're very likely to lose interest and stop caring for the dog. My daughter didn't start taking care of her own dog (without constant reminders) until she was 10 1/2.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

Advice Please... Posted: 7/16/2005 3:39:38 PM
It can be really hard not to pry your son for information. I know that my first reaction to seeing my kids after they've been with their dad is to ask, "how was your day?" That's not because I want to interfere or undermine his relationship with them but because I always ask them that after I've been away from them. It's just habit to ask that question whether it was a day at school, with a friend or with a grandparent. But kids sometimes feel you're asking that question to be intrusive and spy on the other parent, especially when the separation is still fresh and there's a lot of anger and tension still in the air. Was your ex really "with" this other guy before the two of you split up? Maybe, maybe not. A lot of people like to have a "back up" person in their lives when a relationship isn't going well. Whether or not that "back up" person is a sexual interest or not depends on the people involved, but at this point, what does it matter? Yes, it hurts like h***, but does that affect your relationship with your son? It shouldn't. It's real hard to let go of all that anger and resentment and move on, but you have to focus on your kid. Been there, done that...I know how hard it is and how much it hurts, but my kids need their dad. If he's not capable of being the father they need, then that will be his fault not mine. Don't make it your fault that your son feels he has to chose between the two people he loves most in the world.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 9 (view)

Things that make life for your kids awkward Posted: 7/15/2005 11:08:50 PM
About 6 mos. before my ex and I seperated, my oldest daughter started her periods. I get a phone call at work because he couldn't direct her to the bathroom and tell her where the sanitary napkins were. GRRRR!! The child is mentally handicapped!! I'd been over this with her many times, we'd watched videos, I'd done all I could to see to it that she was prepared. All he had to do was tell her how to put the pad in her underwear. He refused. She was "his daughter!" how could he possibly do THAT!! You would have thought I was asking him to do something obscene. Fortunately I work close enough that I was able to take a lunch break and come home to handle the situation. The younger daughter said she hoped I'd be home when her period started. Thankfully, I was. I'm NOT leaving "that" discussion up to my ex when our son starts going through puberty. He's 9 1/2 so we've been talking about body changes a bit already.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 24 (view)

What's in a (last) name? Posted: 7/15/2005 10:59:30 PM
My kids have their dad's name and they'll keep it unless they decide to change it. My middle daughter asked if she could switch to my maiden name....her reason? Because she's tired of being last in the lunch line at school! I told her that wasn't reason enough to severely damage her relationship with her father, no matter how angry she is with him right now.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

who would take their ex back or ask to be taken back? Posted: 7/15/2005 10:42:36 PM
"I think once someone is on a dating site they just MAY have worked through a question like yours BEFORE they came here. So, maybe all your answers will be the same: NO" LOL! Good point! As for working on a long term relationship....is 20 years long term enough????? I tried again and again and again. I cannot fix him. He has to face his own demons. I can't make him believe in himself, in his own worth...not with his precious mommy tearing him down at every turn. NO. Not in a million years and d*** sure not for the kids. My kids need to see me being strong and standing up for what's right. Being treated like crap isn't right. They don't need to see that. They need an example of how to be treated like a valuable human being, not a doormat.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 20 (view)

an issue of privacy Posted: 7/15/2005 4:53:02 PM
Unfortunately, the courts make custody an issue whether we want it to be or not. I understand about not wanting to make your daughter feel as if she's chosing between the two of you but sometimes that's the only option we have when dealing with the court system. I'm sorry to hear your ex sounds so much like mine...though children's services hasn't been called on him....yet. Every single time my son has had stitches (or a thorn surgically removed from his foot) it's been when my ex was the parent at home. Needless to say, it makes me a bit nervous about extended visitations, but I have no choice. Unless he lets one of the kids get seriously hurt, the court won't stop visitation. It's important for kids to have both parents in their lives but it's **** when you're the parent at home wondering and worrying if they're safe or not. Hope everything works out for you! Keep taking care of those kids. There may be times as teens that they won't seem to appreciate it, but in the long run, they'll remember and your love and care will be the thing they'll remember and cherish from their childhood.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 18 (view)

an issue of privacy Posted: 7/14/2005 2:33:59 PM
From what I've been reading on the forum, a dad in Canada is less likely to get custody than a dad in the US, what are your odds for getting custody? Do the kids have any say in where they live? Sounds like your kids are feeling really insecure right now and sometimes it's tough to decide who comes first: kids or parent but you're doing your best to see to it that your kids have a loving and responsible father and that's what they'll remember when they're adults. Once this is over though, make certain you set a few ground rules for some "you" time. You do need it and you do deserve it.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 10 (view)

an issue of privacy Posted: 7/12/2005 8:39:29 PM
The boundaries thing isn't working well. There was one time I went to bring my daughter to her moms...mom wasn't there. So we returned to my place only to find her and my son in my living room. I really felt as though I'd lost all my privacy in that one moment. I felt violated. I'd have a major problem with this and we'd be back in court in a second if my ex ever came into my house uninvited (or invited by one of the kids and not me). The kids know that he's not permitted in the house and they're not to allow him inside if I'm not there. That's a seperate issue than allowing the kids to come over when they want. I don't know how old they are, but this is something you need to explain to them. This is YOUR space. Most kids enjoy having their own space where they can have some down time/watch TV/play/relax/whatever. Explain to them that you need that space for yourself. Talk to the kids about having some time for yourself. I've talked to my kids about my dating..when it happens...that I won't be introducing them to anyone I date until I'm pretty darned sure there's potential for a serious relationship. In order to do this, they understand that I'm going to have to have some "me" time. I'm the constant in their lives so they have very mixed feelings about my dating, but they understand the need for alone time. If they're uncomfortable with the thought of you going out on a date, then explain it to them in terms of having some time to yourself. Tell them that you would prefer not to take them to the grocery when the heat is this bad and that you can't do that if they're at the house...you need to buy food for them to eat. Make it clear that you love them and want to spend as much time with them as possible, but that you have obligations you have to fulfill.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

Son sleeps with me how do I transition him to his own room/bed? Posted: 7/12/2005 8:28:17 PM
So, I told them that I reall really hoped there was a monster in their room. Cuz monsters taste really good if you cook them right and I would really like to cook me a monster for dinner LOL! I love it, Sparx. I did something similar with my kids though I confess, I heard it on a kids' program years ago. When they were afraid of monsters, I'd tell them that monsters wouldn't come into our house because they didn't like the 'smell' of love. They thought it smelled nasty. My son would look at me all scared and I would ask, "do you know how much I love you?" He'd reply "straight to the moon and back" and I'd reassure him that that was way too much love for any monster to stomach. (He loved the book, "Guess How Much I Love You by Sam Mcbratney) Right now all of my kids have been taking turns sleeping with me. Not every night but a lot of nights. I haven't made an issue out of it because I know they're going through a tough time dealing with the divorce. They're 13 (mentally 5), 12 and 9 1/2.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 91 (view)

If there's no love there should you make it work for the kids? Posted: 7/5/2005 6:55:28 PM
No. My ex stayed for the past 4 years, telling me that he loved me when he really wanted out. His reason for staying "You'll take my kids away from me." But he was so miserable, he totally stopped doing anything with the kids (he did everything he could to avoid me...and I'm always with the kids). After he'd been out of the house for a few weeks I told a friend that our lives really hadn't changed with him gone, I didn't think my daughter had heard, but she did and she said, "Well it's not like he ever bothered to get to know us." He's been out of the house for 7 mos. now and he's STILL trying to get her to talk to him. He has them for the next two weeks and since she's been at his house, she's called me every day. I've tried very hard to encourage her to rebuild her relationship with her father...he's her father and that's important but she's angry and mad that he couldn't put her feelings first when he was here. He stayed because HE needed to be with the kids, not because they needed him. My daughter would have been mad no matter what because divorce hurts kids, but if he'd left before he got so depressed he could barely function, maybe he would still have a relationship with her. He's destroyed far more in the past 4 years than he saved. Staying for the kids is just wrong. No, marriage vows shouldn't be taken lightly and I meant every word of them, but you can't make the other person want to be with you. "For better or worse" only works if BOTH people want to be in the marriage and are willing to work at it. If you're that unhappy and you really want out, then there's no point to staying. The kids do sense it, they do feel the tension and it's not in their best interests to grow up thinking that's what a marriage is supposed to be.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

Writers Block......... Posted: 7/5/2005 5:35:24 PM
There are tons of online writing groups that can help put you in touch with other writers who can offer even more writer's block suggestions. Yahoogroups has a bunch and I belong to a writer's forum that's pretty active: http://fictionfactor.1.forumer.com/index.php?http://fictionfactor.1.forumer.com ( you have to scroll to the bottom of the page and hit the "register new account" link if you haven't been there before) For me, most of the time writer's block comes from a problem in the plot of the story I'm writing. I rarely do more than the roughest of outlines and sometimes I find that what I've planned isn't going to work with the characters I've created. Sometimes this is a good thing as I develop the characters they take me on an even more intriguing journey than I'd originally planned. Other times, it's not so good as I realize the character I've just created isn't going to work for the story the other characters need me to tell. When that happens, I pull the offending character and put him/her into a file to be revisited later. Rereading what I have written is a must for me. When I sit down to write, I read the previous few pages or chapter, depending on the length of the story and how long it's been since I worked on that particular project. As for help editing, Marita.... don't trust your spell checker. ;) Consider checking with any local colleges or universities in your area. Sometimes college students will line edit for far less than you could hire a professional editor. Just make certain the person you're hiring is making good grades in English!

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

I SURRENDER! Posted: 7/1/2005 9:32:01 PM
"oh to be 25-30 again and living in Dayton... excuse me a sec while i wipe up the drool..." LOL! Well, I've got half that equation...I live quite close to Dayton, but I'm not 25-30 so that leaves me out. Darn!

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 46 (view)

ADHD children anyone? Posted: 6/30/2005 2:06:01 PM
"For if we as parents are down, what good are we to our children." Too true, singledad. It's hard to be "on" all the time when dealing with kids, but having special needs of any kind just adds to that. Connecting with the community that serves special needs kids in your area can be a great help. In Ohio, we have parent advocates in each county (sometimes each school, depending on population). The parent advocate can be a great source of information and resources. I'm sure other states have similar agencies and I know a lot of other countries do too. It's just a matter of finding the right person to talk to in your community.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

How much do you do for your child? Posted: 6/28/2005 1:59:14 PM
kloopy, routines are great for young kids. If you want her to remember to brush her teeth, make sure you follow the same bedtime routine (as closely as possible) every night. Is she going to remember it every night? Probably not, but routines help. Routines also help young kids feel more secure. By 4 she should be able to button and zip, but small or irregular shaped buttons might still be difficult. Tying her shoes probably won't happen until she's closer to 5 or maybe even 6. Crossing the laces over one another is a skill that seems simple to us, but is tough for a lot of kids to get the hang of. She's not going to do a great job washing her hair and will definitely need some help with that for awhile longer and she's going to need a little reminding to wash her entire body. I made a game out of asking my kids if they'd washed "fingers, knees, elbows and toes". She's probably not going to be the best at brushing her teeth at this age either. The act of crossing her hand in front of her body to brush the opposite side is just like crossing those shoe strings, it takes a little longer than buttoning or zipping. (edited) I forgot to say, at 4 I mean simple zippers. Seperating zippers are a little harder to get the hang of and she may be 5 before she's good at that. But if it takes her longer to get the hang of some of these things, be patient, every child learns and progresses at different rates and some kids take longer to learn fine motor skills.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

How much do you do for your child? Posted: 6/26/2005 10:05:01 AM
At 5, a little help is perfectly normal. However, if you're wanting her to be more independent, you might consider letting her brush her teeth better when she wakes up in the morning. Most 5 year olds aren't that great at teeth brushing anyway. As for the issue with the runs...most kids get upset when this happens so it's not just a self-care issue, but a self-esteem issue. They feel out of control and unable to handle the situation. Staying calm, telling her that these things happen and encouraging her gently to help with the clean-up can help her learn to take control for herself. Sometimes when these things happen, the child just needs to know that dad or mom still loves them even though the child feels like they've made a horrid mistake. As for the shampooing, she's not too old to start learning how to do this for herself, but she's still young enough to need some help. Especially if her hair is long and/or curly. Getting the soap out of naturally curly hair is a major pain....I know. ;)

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 41 (view)

ADHD children anyone? Posted: 6/24/2005 8:19:16 PM
Schools can be a major problem. The first thing they want to do is medicate kids so that they're not disrupting the classroom. I've fought with my son's school since he started pre-school. I might have been more tolerant if it hadn't been a SPECIAL NEEDS preschool...but they STILL kept insisting I put him on Ritalin. I didn't do it because he's not ADD. He started having seizures at 7 mos. and because he spent so much time doped up on the meds or passed out from the seizures, he was severely emotionally delayed. (thank God he's doing Wonderful now and has made tremendous progress this year) For some kids, meds can work miracles, for others, they only exacerbate the problem. Sometimes a child can be so borderline between ADHD and bi-polar that the only way to know if the meds are going to work is to try them. If the meds don't work, there's no law that says the child has to keep taking them (just be sure that you know the side effects of the meds and if it's a type that you have to wean the child off slowly. Going cold turkey on something like depakote can cause serious seizures). Behavior therapy can work, if done properly but it's not a cure all...just as the meds aren't. Structure, structure and MORE structure is crucial. You have to be amazingly consistent and calm...especially during the temper tantrums. My oldest daughter is autistic so I've seen some pretty severe temper tantrums. With her and my son both, I had to learn to stay calm. If I escalated, they escalated. This often meant that I had to walk away when I just wanted to smack one of them, but if I gave them time to calm down and came back and talked to them rationally later (reforced by restricting tv or video game time) I saw much better results. Anticipating outbursts becomes a way of life and you learn to head off the explosions before they happen. You can't stop all of them, but you can learn to diminish most of them. One of the books that helped me understand my son the best was "The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children" By Ross W. Greene

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

How much do you do for your child? Posted: 6/24/2005 7:49:44 PM
My 9 year old won't take a bath or shower unless I make him. However, once I make it clear he HAS to do it, he is turning on the water by himself and washing his hair on his own. He just started doing the water on his own a few months ago. It took a lot of talking to convince him that he could adjust the temperature on his own. I'm not sure how well he'd do if his hair were longer though. He likes it really short (barely longer than buzz length). It's real easy to get into the habit of doing things for them because it's just easier than fighting with them.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

Suggestions? Getting past the first few weekends Posted: 6/24/2005 2:53:00 PM
Thanks blondgreeneyedgal and icema65 I appreciate the thoughts. I managed better this past weekend, but he put our daughter in the middle again by telling her that I had to come pick them up. I don't have a problem picking them up...given half a chance, I'd pick them up much earlier...but he never told me this. Wow, Icema65, I'm glad that I'm not in your shoes. My ex isn't going anywhere unless his plant closes (a strong posibility), though even if it does, he's not likely to move far from his mother. Here's hoping your ex doesn't run off with the kids again! That's a fear I wouldn't want to have to live with...it's bad enough that I don't trust him to keep them for 2 days in a row...we'll see how his vacation works out next week. He'll have them for 2 weeks. :(

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 39 (view)

should I be put on child support! Posted: 6/24/2005 2:43:25 PM
"I guess I should be mad at all the Dads that give good Dads a bad name and not the system." DigitalNinja, that's exactly who you should be ticked at. I've watched my sister and aunt struggle and work 3 jobs to keep the roof over their kids heads while their ex's haven't bothered to see the kids or pay any child support unless forced to by the courts. If their wages hadn't been garnished, they wouldn't have paid a dime to their children's care and this includes never buying the first birthday present for any of the kids. It only takes a few jerks to ruin it for everyone. When my ex found out how much he was going to have to pay in child support he asked our daughter if she could spend that much money on herself in a week. I had to explain to her that the money isn't just for clothes and toys, it also pays part of the electric, the mortgage, the insurance on the house, school fees, medical co-pays, helps with their sports and extra cirricular activities, etc. etc....the list goes on and on. Let's be serious, yes the child support goes toward the house payment, but I could live in a MUCH smaller house if it was just me. My food bill, electric bill and darn sure my clothing allowance would be WAY less if I was only supporting myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly and I love being with them and caring for them, but HE was there and part of the decision to have them, he should share in the responsibility of caring for them. Not all women dump the kids on relatives or leave them home alone to go partying....just like all men don't. We have to view each person on an individual basis. It's just too bad the system doesn't do the same. The system is far from perfect, but it has improved somewhat. It's harder to be a deadbeat parent in most states, but some people just shouldn't be parents. How to know that before the kids are born and the person finally shows their true colors though?

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 43 (view)

MUST-HAVE books Posted: 6/22/2005 8:20:07 PM
"Has anybody ever read anything by David Gemmell (hope that's right) as there is an offer on play but I've never read any nor heard about any. Could someone please advise some titles if any? Thanks" That's right. I struggled through LEGEND but that's the only thing I've read by him. I know a couple of writers who think he's fabulous but I didn't care for him at all. It's all a matter of taste. I thought he needed to develope his characters a little more and that he used some very contrived plot devices at the end of the novel, but I've heard that LEGEND is a "classic" by him so you might start with that one. If you like his work, you might like David Drake as well. Their styles are very similar, though I made it through 4 of Drake's books before throwing in the towel and vowing to spend my time reading books I like better. Currently reading THE HALLOWED HUNT by Lois McMaster Bujold and enjoying it tremendously. (I need more time to read!)

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 21 (view)

should I be put on child support! Posted: 6/19/2005 6:20:02 AM
"But the laws are there to protect the child right??? Sure they are!!!" Of course they are. They're also there to protect the county because the county wants the money to come from the fathers (or mothers as the case may be) not from welfare. Without proof of support (that documentation a few other members have mentioned) the courts aren't going to care and they aren't going to believe that a parent (male or female) has been supporting the child and they will go after back child support. And working two jobs can hurt you because the courts have a set formula they follow for figuring out the amount of child support. My ex knew this, and he'd been planning on leaving for some time...just didn't tell me...so he refused to work overtime for the last year we were married. He's continued to turn down overtime while the divorce is being finalized, but I guarantee that as soon as it is, he'll start working the overtime again. I know he will, money is and always will be his first love. Problem for him....I can request that the amount be re-evaluated after he gets his W2 next spring. Cold hearted? Perhaps, but I'm raising 3 kids on 1/3 the amount of money he makes and if he works overtime he'll make 4 times what I make. I'm salary. I don't have the opportunity to increase my income unless I take a second job, and that won't happen because I have to be home for the kids in the evening. Yes, attorneys are expensive but sometimes you can save yourself money by acting first and not waiting for the other party to file.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 72 (view)

Do people Not have Morals anymore? Posted: 6/18/2005 7:56:01 PM
"In other words, When you are doing 'wrong' you dang well know it. No?" Unfortunately, no. Some people are born without a conscience. All you have to do is watch a room full of preschoolers for awhile to know that mercy and kindness HAVE to be taught. Some kids will feel bad when they make another child cry, but others are oblivious.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 3 (view)

Suggestions? Getting past the first few weekends Posted: 6/18/2005 8:44:19 AM
Legally until he actually lets one of them get hurt, I don't have a choice. This is court ordered visitation. The courts here are very strict about allowing both parents time with the kids and they're not going to back down unless I can legally prove he's not fit. I can't do that. The last thing I want is for my kids to get seriously hurt but the courts aren't going to allow me to refuse him visitation. If I refuse and he takes me to court I could even lose custody. As for teaching him how to be a better father...that's not going to happen. He's too self-centered and insecure to listen to anyone tell him how to parent, and his "saint" of a mother tells him what a good parent/husband he is/was so why would he listen to anyone else? And I'm serious here. He calls his mother a SAINT and practically worships her. She was an absent parent herself, and he thinks he should model himself after her. We were married for 17 years, the oldest child is 13...he never listened when we were married, why would he listen now when he's "FINALLY" gotten me out of his life? When our daughter was younger and I was trying to figure out how to deal with her autism, he told me "Unless this is something I can fix, go talk to your girlfriends, that's what they're there for". Um...autism isn't something you can fix, but it is something you can deal with and improve through therapy. I wasn't asking him for a shoulder to cry on, I was asking for input on whether or not I'd considered all the options for helping our daughter become as self-sufficient as she possibly can. Over the years, his attitude to discussing the kids or their problems has not improved.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 44 (view)

Do people Not have Morals anymore? Posted: 6/18/2005 8:32:39 AM
This man defintely does not have the ability to emphasize. And he has always only thought of himself first, for the whole 15 yrs that I have known him. I was very hurt at the time, cause I was going through alot of self esteem issues already, and this just brought my self esteem to a final low. Hmm...your ex and mine sound like psychic twins. At first I was feeling very hurt and rejected when my ex started having another affair, but then I realized that he couldn't truly reject me because even after 20 years, he doesn't have a clue who I am. He's always been too wrapped up in himself to consider my needs or desires. He projects his shortcomings onto me and thinks I view the world the same way he does. Don't let your ex have this kind of power over you. You are the stronger person because you know that you need to do what's right for your son and you put his needs first. I think dads CAN play a VERY important role in their kids lives, but some are more destructive than beneficial. Same can be said for some moms, but it's up to the custodial parent to decide when to back off from pushing contact. Right now my ex is trying to play superdad. It won't last and when he starts undermining my son's self-esteem again, my son will have the option of staying home. I would dearly love for my kids to have a healthy, happy relationship with their dad, but it's not going to happen.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 40 (view)

Do people Not have Morals anymore? Posted: 6/18/2005 4:52:40 AM
I am still devasted that he had such little respect for me to think that I would even consider this. Syllie, your ex sounds a lot like mine. Don't let him hurt you so much emotionally because he wasn't even considering how his question would make you feel. He was thinking about HIS needs at the time and his needs have nothing to do with yours. Thinking about how he made you feel probably isn't something he's capable of doing. That would require him to empathize and some people don't have that ability.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 5 (view)

THE WORST NAMES OF (this and last) CENTURY Posted: 6/17/2005 7:58:27 PM
My sister is dating a guy named Harry Bottoms. He's named after his father who SWEARS no one ever made fun of him growing up. Yeah. Right.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 1 (view)

Suggestions? Getting past the first few weekends Posted: 6/17/2005 7:06:21 PM
I know that time is the only thing that's really going to help but I'm open for suggestions here. This is the second weekend my ex has had our kids all weekend. We've been separated since Nov. (divorce is 95% complete...just a few more papers to file) and from Nov. to June, he had the kids on average 13-14 hour per MONTH. This was totally his choice. It wasn't convenient for him to have them more because he didn't have a house yet. (not because he couldn't afford to rent, but because he refused to) Anyway, this is only the second full weekend he's had them and I'm trying really hard not to stress about it too much but I never trusted him with the kids when we were married. He hasn't changed any. He's still incredibly irresponsible. Every single time our son has had stitches or emergency room visits, it's been on the ex's watch. The first weekend he took them, my son came home with a serious case of heat exhaustion and our mentally handicapped daughter hadn't had a bath for 3 days. The bath isn't life threatening, but the heat exhaustion could be. I keep reminding myself that he's not physically abusive...but that's not helping. I just wonder what kind of shape the kids are going to be in when they come home Sunday evening. :(

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 14 (view)

should I be put on child support! Posted: 6/17/2005 6:44:21 PM
Keep your reciepts dude; that protects you just in case your wife ever tries to gouge. Not necessarily. You really need to talk to an attorney in your area. The county I live in won't recognize reciepts as proof of child support. If it's court ordered and she can prove how long you've lived apart, you could be forced to pay back child support, regardless of how much you're paying to support your child now. I understand not wanting to turn the money over to her or her mother but in the long run, it might be better for you. You don't want to be paying astronomical back child support that they'll use for things other than your child. You want to be able to use your extra money to support your kid.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 36 (view)

Do people Not have Morals anymore? Posted: 6/17/2005 6:19:42 PM
I just don't understand why people have to cheat. If they are not happy,,,,then get out. For some it's a matter of low self-esteem. They need that physical reassurance that someone (anyone) still finds them attractive. And it doesn't matter that they have someone who finds them attractive in their relationship...that's old news, they've had it. They want to know they're attractive to someone new...or that they're still attractive to someone they used to have. The advice I received the most when I told people I was getting divorced was "don't have rebound sex with him". That just blew my mind. That's NOT happening. Like Marathonman said, you have to look at the person's character. If they've lied to you in the past or treated you disrespectfully, then odds are they haven't changed. I think people can change. They can learn ethics, morals, values (however you want to label them) but that doesn't happen very often.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 34 (view)

Do people Not have Morals anymore? Posted: 6/17/2005 6:12:26 PM
Ask questions BEFORE stating a moral position that way,a liar can't feel you out to say what they may think YOu want to hear. WOW am I late reading that advice. Like 20 years. Good point Marathonman. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks!

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Emotional affairs Posted: 6/17/2005 5:53:49 PM
especially if the kids are used as a tool by either of the parents against the other. True...but even if they're not. Kids aren't stupid, and when a parent is focusing their attention on someone outside the family, the kids get neglected. Kids (depending on age) tend to be very self-centered. They don't care why parents split up, they just want their family back because it's "safe and comfortable" even when it's not. Kids don't care why a parent feels they need to turn to someone outside the marriage for the things they can't find within the marriage...they just want both parents there, caring for them and loving them. This can't happen if one parent is sucking the life out of a marriage by putting all their emotions into another person.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 8 (view)

am i leaving my daughter behind? Posted: 6/17/2005 5:48:12 PM
so if she follows thru with the divorce i am going to lose my daughter... You're not going to lose your daughter unless you let go. Sharing kids with an ex just sucks but it can work and it will...if you stay active in her life. Depending on where you live, there may be lots of options for shared parenting. Don't panic until you know the facts and laws of your county, state, region, country (wherever you are)

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 11 (view)

Emotional affairs Posted: 6/17/2005 5:36:23 PM
The point is that the sharing of bodily fluids is a one-time event that, for me, depending on the circumstances and frequency of the "encounters", CAN possibly be forgiven, with time... An emotional affair on the other hand, requires that they invest time and energy into another person that is being DIRECTLY siphoned off from OUR relationship! Exactly! Been through both and the emotional affair ended my marriage. He wasn't "there" anymore. He didn't do anything as a couple or as a father because he was too busy thinking about and wanting to be with her. Now he's trying desperately to repair his relationship with our kids and my oldest daughter isn't having any of it. She's too angry over his years of neglect. Emotional affairs don't just hurt the couple, they spill over onto the kids as well.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 35 (view)

MUST-HAVE books Posted: 6/17/2005 5:25:10 PM
Some of the books mentioned here are in public domain and can be found at Project Gutenberg. http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/ Someone mentioned the Lord of the Rings parody "Bored of the Rings", I think that was rereleased when the movies came out so it might be available in stores or at Amazon. Most of my serious reading has been research into issues my kids have faced, so the books that I read for fun are just that FUN! though a few of the fantasy novels I've read have very deep philosophical themes running through them. Harry Potter is fun and I'm looking forward to the next one Lois McMaster Bujold writes some great sf and fantasy stories and I need to go buy her latest. Anne McCaffery is an old favorite Clive Cussler John Sanford Louis L'Amour (when I'm in the mood for something with a VERY predictable happy ending) Tara K. Harper Lynn Flewellyn Andre Norton (rip) I'm sure I'm missing several good ones...OH smacking self upside head HOW could I forget??? No clue...my mind isn't here today. Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series is GREAT! I love Ranger...wish I could find Ranger on this site somewhere.... too bad he's not real. ;) But lately I haven't had time to go to the bookstores and pick up any of the major authors. I've been reading e-books and small press authors for the website I write book reviews for. It's great being a reviewer. :D People send me books for free. :D

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 6 (view)

am i leaving my daughter behind? Posted: 6/17/2005 4:56:32 PM
im leaving to gain my pride and my slef worth... Without a belief in your own self-worth, you can't be the parent you want to be. These six month will be hard for all of you: your mom, your daughter and you, but if you come back feeling like you've accomplished something and you're ready to be the mother your daughter deserves and needs, then it will be a good thing. The final outcome depends on you and how you see yourself.

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 13 (view)

Trolls Posted: 6/17/2005 4:49:54 PM
Trolls can be found on every forum going, regardless of the type of forum. Ignoring them truly is the only way to stop them....though sadly they rarely stop...they just move to another forum. :P

ravessa

Joined: 3/30/2005

Msg: 19 (view)

Single Moms who don't want more children Posted: 6/17/2005 4:45:25 PM
"And as far as I'm concerned if they want to run then run." Smilesnwinks, you're so right. If saying I don't want more kids limits my choices, so be it. I have 3 kids and they're all past the potty training stage. I don't want to do that again. I'm going to be 40 next year and the risk of birth defects goes up. I already have a child with special needs. I KNOW how hard that is and I'm not taking that risk again. Limiting my options isn't something I want to do as I don't meet many single men on a daily basis (like almost never), but it's better to limit it up front rather than risk falling in love with a guy that NEEDS to have biological kids of his own. Tubal reversals are costly and not very effective.

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