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chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

single men in their 30s living alone with a dog Posted: 3/3/2008 8:54:43 AM
Some people are just idiots, people that have chosen to live alone or with a dog are making a decision, not to settle, not to bring a child into this over crowded world, not to fake a relationship. If they will wait for the right person and are smart enough to entertain themselves, dont really need anyone else to make them happy, I say go for it. Would they rather you have three roommates in with you to help pay the bills that you couldn't manage on your own? I like alone with a dog in the 30's. What scares me is alone with no pets in the 40's and no history of a ltr ...that's reason to run away.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

what if you knew a man who was using a woman to profit himself Posted: 2/26/2008 5:34:26 PM
Happens all the time in "relationships." Chances are, the woman is aware -- but is lonely -- and his attentions as a live-in bf are worth her every dime. Or she is in denial. They'll have a few mutually beneficial years together before he moves on to someone he really loves and in much better financial shape. His true love may already be in the picture. She has a lot to lose. If she were a good friend of mine, I would have a chat with her to see where she's at. This is about values and needs, not love.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 76 (view)

new relationship Posted: 2/22/2008 6:57:46 PM
i think he's definitely rushing it, not sure why, but i'd take it as a warning that he doesn't want others to know.. i'd suggest giving a lot more time to this and give it a chance to deepen, for you to have a chance to get to really know each other Saw this happen to a naive, average looking, over-weight woman just thirty who had trouble scoring dates. He was 25 years older than her. She was worried that she may never meet a husband. Her clock was ticking. She was not that bright or interesting, but made very good money (much more than him). They met as neighbors while he was separated from his wife and in no time, she was captivated by his charm, wit, attention and sex appeal. She was tired of living alone. He couldn't afford to live alone emotionally or financially. He quickly conned her into paying off his gambling & credit card debts, child support and more -- he got her to rent a house with him and pay his bills. In return he controlled her, cheated on her, and verbally abused her -- 90% of the time. The other 10% he showered her with affection and made promises written on the wind and made her feel like the prettiest woman in town, for the moment. He spent every Friday and Saturday night with her, she no longer had to retreat to the sofa with her chips and HDTV. She believed she was loved, finally. Gradually her friends dropped away, she got heavier and depleted her retirement savings to fund his "get rich quick" schemes, including the purchase of real estate. In addition to all this, he abused drugs and alcohol -- but she is never alone like before. Is it worth it?

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 84 (view)

Does Friends first ever really work? Posted: 2/18/2008 4:33:37 PM
It's all in how one defines "friends." Many of a certain generation describe bf & gf as "friends, etc." For me, friendship is platonic bound with trust, respect and support when needed. There is an equal amount of give and take and not a set amount of time with regards to the relationship. Could be twice a year or twice a week or twice a day contact. Depending. I have described my last two dating relationships as "We were friends first." One I worked with on occasion and the other owned an establishment in town that I would frequent. Yes, got to know them as people for a while, flirted a little, learned some things about them, was their ear & chatted about general stuff. We never "went out" or had lengthy phone convos -- more an in-person thing. Platonic for several months with the first, the second one for one year. Ultimately, they asked me out and a dating relationship began. Once I tried dating a male friend (who I did hang out with in groups, etc.) with whom I had no physical attraction to, but we shared values and had common interests. I thought the attraction might come, it never did. But I am glad I tried. I am still friends with this man today. He does things for me and I for him. We are there for each other. He is a straight male and has lots of male and female friends and is well respected by all. I know this is rare. While I am on friendly terms with many men these days, we don't hang out or have dinner like I would with my female friends. I think as we get older, the boundaries are different. Not many male "platonic" friends at this stage of my life.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Why would a man do this? Posted: 2/15/2008 7:47:10 PM
Hello Is50. Happens all the time. This guy is a player. Happened to me and yes, I felt "dumb"... even after the ripe old age of 35! How can someone do this? Well, they may be psychopaths, narcissists, pathologocial liars, thrill seekers or childhood abuse survivors who never got therapy. Alcoholics act out like this -- lying, manipulating and stringing people along to suit their needs. No functional healthy adult man over the age of 25 will act like this. Consider this a blessing and a learning curve. Imagine if you lived together and every time you left the house he started dialing up his other girlfriends and making plans! That my dear, would be worse. Ultimately, when his testosterone drops and he moves into old age, he will end up alone -- there will be no more playing -- he will be seen as a dirty old man -- and you will hopefully end up with what you deserve, a loyal loving companion to share your life with.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 149 (view)

Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton Posted: 2/10/2008 5:26:08 PM
bamabob, I think it is admirable that you have a close friendship with your ex, it is rare. As for the women you are dating, it will take time for them to see that your actions match your words. From personal experience, I have dated men who admitted to being "friends" with their ex's (with and without kids). About 50% of them still had romantic attachments on occasion and the others were strictly platonic. It's a roll of the dice. Human relationships are complex. A few of the times I "trusted" I was burned. So now I am much more cautious but still believe that a healthy friendship between ex's can exist. You may have to draw up some boundaries to make everyone comfortable. Good luck!

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

How do you know? Posted: 1/1/2008 6:58:19 PM
Hello love butterfly, Now here it is the calls are far between and the chats dont happen anymore when i call lots of times it goes to voice mail and msgs left are not answered when he does call it seems like all is good and that he is still interested but then he will go again several day with no contact. He was telling you goodbye....the fade out. Classic example of him just not being into you. You should move on when your phone stops ringing. He probably started to see someone else that sparked his interest during this time -- but was trying to be nice by responding politely on occasion. Men have a hard time letting go of a woman who is interested. Other scenerio would be that he has a substance abuse problem and deep fear of intimacy. You may never know, but it's good that you didn't get more involved than this. Cut your losses and try again. How do I get past this Im seriously starting to have a trust issues with men in general How can I know when its for really (when he is for real)and not just a game? It's for real when things unfold naturally, he calls you and you call him at the same frequency. When you feel something is up, it usually is.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 41 (view)

questions about no contact rule Posted: 12/17/2007 8:03:26 PM
When you are dumped and left with the rawness of a broken heart, no contact is best until you have emotionally moved on. May take a couple months or a couple years. Different for everyone. After you're over it and with a new loving partner or simply just loving yourself which is all good, then a cordial acquaintance type relationship is just fine if you see this person in your day-to-day life in the community. If you never see this person, then just move on and remember you were left and not the priority at that time. Maybe the dumper has regrets, too bad -- it's too late baby. This "forgiveness" after time passes is extremely healing and empowering. Again, I'm not saying friendship, just the ability to keep a light convo going should you cross paths at the market. Also more mature.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 224 (view)

Should I tell his wife? Posted: 12/9/2007 4:22:28 PM
Dear thread writer, I hate to be the barer of baaad ewes butt maybe his wife is also on this site as well. Alot of people on here live totally boundary-less lifestyles. Agreed howbigisyourlove. I have experienced this. My advice, "expect anything". I especially see a lot of "back and forth" relationships and lifestyles. And OP, speaking from experience, best to cut the cord and move on silently without drama. The wife either knows, or will find out. All will come full circle in time. In the meantime, keep your self respect.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

what happens when a guy courts you,you meet, its great but then only he wants an online relationship Posted: 12/9/2007 7:59:05 AM
[ quote]Too bad he built up a fantasy in his mind and wasn't willing to take the time to get to know you. Simple rule of thumb...meet soon, get the vibes...eye contact, body language...take the Chemistry 101 exam...then decide where to go. Extensive online communications an even great phone still have to pass the face-to-face test. Hi Cathy. Online dating is not easy and not to be exclusively relied upon. It can be emotionally draining, so having the face to face asap is essential. If there is a distance or scheduling factor, try to hold back until that meeting happens. I have had "online/phone" courtships only to be disappointed in the chemistry factor when the face to face meeting happens. I have met people who don't look like their picture. I have been the one to turn away, which bums me out too because of the hopes that are built online. Looks like he was into you in a genuine way until the face to face happened and then he was too much of a coward to communicate that with you the next day (email or phone). In the year 2007, silence after a date means there will not be a second one. For whatever reason he lost interest when he met you. As far as the make-out session, men can do that even if theyare not very interested. When you prodded, he tried to see what he could get (cheap thrills) out of you and when you rejected his requests, he was forced to wish you the best. Very simple. When we meet someone in our community to date we at least have the energy attraction thing going first -- it's the "who are you etc" that comes second. As many before me on this thread have said, you are attractive and deserve much better -- this clown probably knows it too and set you free.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

Silent break off Posted: 11/29/2007 9:01:15 AM
Right on coppiper! Couldn't have said it better myself!

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 348 (view)

Why do guys always do this to me? Does anyone else have this problem?... Posted: 11/28/2007 2:07:51 PM
Yes MissMayflower, the "Mars and Venus on a Date" book is a good read and has some helpful insight. And JMO on the ignore issue, this is largely an issue of an emotionally immature individual who runs from conflict instead of stepping up to the plate and facing reality. Between relationships I have dated a lot following my divorce and find this common behavior amongst men. It's their way of saying, "It's over." When they ignore, that's their way of ending something (whatever that something is) ...gracefully. When I am ignored, I don't question it, I just pack my bags and move forward. Yes, they are just not into you. Any man into you will pursue and call, bottom line. Men are not that difficult to figure out. And geez come to think of it I had bf's in middle school who could handle the ending of relationships more tactfully than grown men.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

help!!suggestions please as to what happened to us..was he a player Posted: 11/24/2007 5:18:41 AM
weezy. Yes a little fast, however I have seen wonderful ltrs come out of "love at first connections" every situation is different. What bothers me is that he talked to you about his "friend". Whenever a man I'm dating talks about a female "friend" -- one that I don't meet in person who is "unattached" it has always lead to trouble and a parting of ways. 100% of the time it has been someone he had an intimiate relationship with. I would bet he shared with her his plans with you, she got jealous, and wanted to reconcile. And clearly, he wasn't over her yet, but men do move on quickly (when they are not emotionally available)-- often causing pain to the new women they begin dating. I think the pain you saw in his face was guilt. I believe he did "love" you as you mentioned and most likely the relationship between you and him would have been more functional than with the ex if he had only given it a chance -- remember breakups happen for reason. I'm not a big supporter of revisiting what didn't work in the first place. Also when he calls again when trouble starts with his ex, don't pick up the phone. Keep moving forward, you have a good mind and heart -- there is something more for you out there.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 95 (view)

Why women wont date seperated men Posted: 11/21/2007 9:49:40 AM
This is a loaded topic. Some personal background first. I have been divorced for 8 years and was separated for 2 years prior while working out the standard legal hassles. I was not interested in dating until my divorce became final and took the 2 years of separation to heal and reconnect with myself as a single person. This was the best decision for me. When the divorce became final, I was feeling whole and very ready to begin the dating process. Since then, there have been many dates and 2 longer term relationships since then, one with a separated man. I hope to never experience pain like that again nor would I wish it on anyone. I chose not to date separated men for a while following the end of that. But what I found was that although I had a bad experience, it was just that, one experience. My biggest lesson here is that every "separated" situation is unique: some are just waiting for the papers with no chance of reconciliation, some are just out for a physical relationship or to play the field, some are still in love with their wives and a few are emotionally healthy enough and removed enough from their s/o and have been quite enjoyable to date and develop relationships with. As with every relationship, when lies enter the equation the problems arise for all involved -- including those that lie to themselves and continue to live in denial. IMO, it's ok to date separated men as long as it is based on truth, not naivete, and the person is truly in a place to move forward even if it's a snail's pace.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 186 (view)

Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits? Posted: 10/27/2007 10:29:37 PM
Men love this set-up because it suits the male sexuality. Most times after the door slams behind him, she is waiting...waiting...waiting...until she finally invites him again for another round of sex. And....it goes around and around until she breaks the cycle with him...or he breaks the cycle because he found another woman who intrigues him. Well said daisypetals. FWB has been around "in the closet" for many years but has only recently become widely accepted and practiced out in the open. People ask for it up front at the coffee shops now -- while it used to just sort of "discreetly" happen. Men used to buy prostitutes for this, now they can get it for free. Women have been conditioned into thinking this way of relating is all tied in with liberation, etc. -- that it's a good thing. All the women I know who have tried this got burned. They went in thinking they could handle it and were kicked to the curb left wondering "what's wrong with me?". Their male "friends" simply said "next."

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 69 (view)

here's the word Posted: 10/26/2007 4:34:49 PM
Become scarce, become elusive, become unavailable become recklessly insensitive and overly casual and make sure he worries that you are prowling for others. He will poop himself. It is all a game and all it will ever be to someone who is petrified of real intimacy. Then he will be whipped , but he will never really be yours, just manipulated, because it's pointless. Yes, Kakleen. You are right on. The above tactic works everytime with these guys. But there comes a time in a womans life when she needs to ask herself, do I really want to waste my time with someone like this? "I am worthy of so much more" should be the mantra, not "let me be your back up girl." Respect yourself and the world will follow. And OP, if a man is into you he will call, he will text/email -- whatever. He will be available to you and pursue you. No games needed. Yes, men like a challenge and want what they can't have, but eventually with genuine guys this ends in favor of beginning an authentic relationship. As far as the sleeping together too soon -- I disagree with some of the posts. At a certain age we become adults. I have seen loving relationships develop from physical relationships and so forth. Anything is possible. The result depends upon the people involved. I don't have a problem with you sleeping with him, I have a problem with his lack of follow-up and poor treatment of you. Ambivalence = Deal Breaker & the lack of weekend availability = an involved attached man. Run, don't walk away from this one. He is showing you and telling you who he is right now, listen to him, believe him. You are worthy of so much more.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 105 (view)

he's just a sex partner..is that wrong? Posted: 10/23/2007 5:09:20 PM
All this FWB crap.. the truth is 95% of the time someone gets hurt.. People talk the talk and like the idea.. But most people want more.. I hate to break it to the forum posters out there.. but these forums are not a scientific poll.. Billybob I agree with you on the above point. In most cases of FWB, one person is more emotionally tied to the other and hopes for more but is afraid to voice it for fear of losing the physical relationship. FWB ends when the attached human speaks up. FWB starts when one person is looking for NSA sex and the other is lonely with no bf or gf. The initiator of FWB's senses the vulnerable. FWB, Sex Partners or FB's are all relationships, jmo. And Irish as you mentioned in a previous post, indeed you are a mature woman with needs. Amen to that. We all drive our own boats, do what you need to do, but expect this relationship with Michael to affect your personal life. We can't have it all.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

is it just bad luck ? Posted: 10/14/2007 6:28:11 PM
Famousblue, You are a beautiful young girl. I read your profile, etc. I get the feeling that you are more mature and wise beyond your years from what I read. Am I right? Have you tried dating men in their very early 30s? Sometimes they have it a bit more together with the romance and relationship stuff than the young men. And yes, definitely don't look so hard and remember to love yourself unconditionally. Volunteer if you have time. All the good energy will come back to you with the right man some time. Just keep living your life. Best, Chakra17.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

You did meet a married man.. Posted: 10/8/2007 1:45:03 PM
[I must say, this man volunteered where he worked, pictures of his daughters, but,,,,,I only had his cell number and he was always online at night, hence when the phone calls came as well, I believe that even if this man was NOT indeed married, he had a girlfriend he was more than likely trying to cheat on, it was just strange, constant contact but no plans] Hi Nona, Same thing happened to me from a different site. We really connected & had constant contact. He cancelled face to face meeting plans three times. I finally had enough and told him I needed to move on. He said he didn't blame me. You're not alone. This one claimed he was legally separated. But I think he was very unhappily married. Very frustrating indeed.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 71 (view)

Dating a man who is 22 years older than me? Posted: 10/7/2007 8:34:17 PM
Yes Talltexann. I have not seen it work out yet. Most fizzle after a year or so. The relationship is new and exciting for both for a while. The middle-aged man relives his youth and showers the young woman with adoration (that she may not get from a man her own age). The ones that last long term usually have problems at the 10 year mark, when the man's health & vitality become challenged. The young woman often then becomes a caregiver in her prime and then widowed (have seen this happen). And remember, many that stay together aren't necessarily happy. Also important, once the physical chemistry subsides, is there much left to talk about? All depends on the couple and the intimacy level they desire. But, there are always exceptions. Some couples need less or different things than others. I myself prefer a companion along with a lover.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Oh well I tried POF. Time to go Posted: 10/5/2007 7:29:50 AM
Owlbeyou is right on with all feedback. My personal experience here has been mixed. I have been out on "real dates with real people who appear genuine," and have also been frustrated by a few "potentials" who really just want a cyberspace relationship but will not come forward with their truth. When it is clear that games are happening, I end the contact and move on. I don't have time for that as a single parent. I am only looking for local available men to date and make it clear on my profile. I have found the forums very interesting, helpful and entertaining. There have been great success stories here and giving it time and using good judgement is the path I'm going to take as a member.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 194 (view)

The illusion of online dating Posted: 10/3/2007 10:08:52 AM
livelaughlove53 I agree with your post(s). Online dating is simply another way to meet people. Yes, we work more than we used to & fewer of us are hanging around in bars or going to "happy hour", etc. We should remain open to the chance grocery store encounter, take classes if possible -- and let our friends and family know that we are available. It's all the same really. In the end it's still about getting out there, engaging with others and using good judgement to make the best choice of a partner for us.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Why people feel the need to lie and decieve. Posted: 10/2/2007 5:33:08 PM
Bluilibra, These two women taught you a lesson that needed to be learned -- as tough as it was to understand. I know it hurts. I suspect these very same issues may be present in other parts of your life right now if you look deeper. You did nothing wrong by opening your heart, you just opened it too soon for the unworthy. Ambivalence is a red flag -- run the other way. Now you know to go slowly as I see from your subsequent posts. Since the beginning of time lies and deceit have been around in the human race. Expect it from 50% of people you engage with until they prove you otherwise. Some of the most charming ones are the deadliest. Did you ever read "The Spider and the Fly" as a kid? It's all the same stuff really. Now yes it's time to move on and find a woman worthy of your heart and soul -- just be prepared for a few more bumps in the road until you reach the pot of gold.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

One True Love Posted: 9/26/2007 9:12:28 AM
A handful (not thousands) of chances for true love throughout the average 80+ year human life cycle is possible. Not just one person or one chance. A "true love" choice at 15 might be someone completely different from your choice at 35. You may have loved them both completely and "all out" for that station of your life. Again, some people do choose to settle (there's another popular forum thread about this one) and therefore close themselves off to finding true love. Others have bad luck and do not experience true love in their lifetime despite being open to it. So luck of the draw. One person may experience true love 5 times while another only once and still another not at all.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 149 (view)

why do men say they love you? Posted: 9/24/2007 6:06:33 PM
Some say it because they really feel it. Others think they feel it, so they say it just to be safe and keep whatever they have" going on" -- going on. The immature ones say it because they learned back in high school that they could get just about anything they wanted from a girl that way. The words are easily said by many a man young and old and in the middle. Let us not forget that love is a verb, not a salutation.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

The Other Woman... Posted: 9/21/2007 4:49:56 AM
atlast you are right on.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

The Other Woman... Posted: 9/20/2007 9:06:02 PM
Greetings Eldubo. I went through the same thing and the emotional pain was unbearable. It took many months to heal. Lies, betrayal and another woman -- heavy gut-wrenching stuff. Weight and sleep was lost along with my faith in "love." My relationship also ended without proper closure, which made it hurt so much more. And while the pain was deeper than the Grand Canyon with this one, I was able to look into myself and discover more of what I want and deserve in a relationship. And while you may be curious, and she may confirm your assumptions, this conversation will without a doubt open wounds that appear to be only half- healed. Don't do it. Neither one of them is worth your precious time. Where were they when you were hurting? Best response to her is no response. Ignore her and continue to move forward with your life. Accept that the closure was poor and give the love and energy back to yourself, the divine.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 214 (view)

Best break-up lines Posted: 9/18/2007 5:21:55 PM
"Beacause I cant keep up with all 4 of you at once............ (in the same town)" Thanks for the laughs, surfer! I think I was one of the 4 once in another town in another time.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 190 (view)

Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type. Posted: 9/14/2007 4:46:02 AM
Haligonian, I agree. Spending time with someone or dating but not living together with someone who is enjoyable but not "the one" is a lot different than an LTR with the wrong person. Again, I don't see anything wrong with having some fun in the meantime -- as long as it is mutual. Manerider, thanks for the laugh this early in the morning!

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 185 (view)

Best break-up lines Posted: 9/13/2007 4:02:07 AM
Thanks Spider, I know you posted a while ago. My best one was, after a nice time out -- "We'll get together real soon." Gotta love it.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 179 (view)

Is it better to be alone Or settle for someone that is not Your type. Posted: 9/12/2007 5:23:15 PM
I'm not sure I agree with the wording of this -- may I open the Pandora's box? JMO, it is never better to "settle." The disaster will surely follow -- even if years down the road. You can't change someone. People who try to change another are really just trying to control and manipulate -- and get off doing that -- they feel more empowered. Realistically, though, years can pass by and we may never meet "the one" -- does that mean that we have to suffer and live a monk's life? Sometimes it is ok to share time wtih another human for a while, without it turning into an ltr or marriage. If you are both on the same page, a mutually beneficial relationship can be satisfying. And on several occasions, I did end up "falling for and in love with" men who were "not my type." This is classic. We need to remain open to love, very rarely does love walk in looking like what we expect it should.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 105 (view)

His and Hers Bedrooms? Posted: 9/10/2007 2:27:02 PM
Hello Souldiva and All, I used to think separate bedrooms went along with separate twin beds ala Lucy and Ricky?! You know, sleeping separately signaled the end of my marriage. But, following that I've been "back out there" dating and have seen it all --from the couples who are in love but in separate bedrooms, to the estranged in rooms down the hall just hanging on for the sake of the children. The point is, either way you wake up with yourself and you have to be happy in your relationship. There is no right answer to this -- it is whatever is right for you at the present time. I personally would not want that after several years of living the single life, but we are all different. Again, if you had asked me about this 10 years ago I would have said NO WAY -- but I'm a little older and wiser and have seen more of what's going on out there. Good luck to you.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 458 (view)

Must have job, car, house...are they after my cash? Posted: 9/9/2007 4:51:17 PM
Right on, LIB. I am educated and have always worked full time, except for a 2 year sabbatical after the birth of my daughter. My marriage (which ended in divorce) was an equal partnership with regards to $ and domestic responsibilities. I was never carried by a man, and don't expect anyone to pay my bills for a glamorous life. After my divorce I went on to date many different types of men, some with less $ than me. I was fine with that as long as I was treated well. And your right, a bum is just not acceptable.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 54 (view)

What Does Seperated Really Mean? Posted: 9/9/2007 4:35:13 PM
Disney, Thank you so much for your feedback. The revolving door relationship you described says it all. That is exactly how it is to this day with this man and his ex. I truly think they will end up back together permanently. He now rents a place down the block from her. It's always good to hear that someone else shared your experience. I do believe and have seen friends start relationships with newly separated men and have it work out just fine -- even end in a LTR or marriage. This has just never happened to me, so you are right, I am rethinking my strategy. And yes, dating can be -- and is, lots of fun!

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 77 (view)

Platonic Roomates - Do they exist??? Posted: 9/9/2007 9:51:50 AM
For Kobec, If you have a woman share your home, even in separate bedrooms, it will most certainly affect your outside relationships -- always! So you have to be prepared for that. You may lose potential mates. You have to remember that even if there is nothing physical going on with your housemate -- you are "in relationship" with this other person dividing up household responsibility, bills, etc. Some can handle it, others cannot. At my age I would rather have my bf just live with me. And I'm sure you would connect better with a woman than a man and vise versa -- it's only natural. Yet in college and young adulthood and living in expensive big cities these sorts of arrangments happen all the time. I once rented a nice place in Boston during my early 20's and had a male roommate, along with 2 other females. Nothing happened, it worked. Multiple people works better. When there are just two people involved regardless of age or initial attraction level(straight man and woman), with everyone I know, they have ended up in bed at least once or for a short period of time. It becomes a friends with benefits relationship. There is usually one who has romantic feelings and the other does not and tension is in the air. Even if there is not much attraction, humans are humans and if you are single no doubt you get lonely sometimes -- things happen. While I try to remain open-minded, I just haven't seen it work the other way yet with anyone I know personally.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 451 (view)

Must have job, car, house...are they after my cash? Posted: 9/9/2007 7:03:12 AM
My answer is no, they are not after your cash. They just want to make sure that you are living independently. And yes, there are many un or underemployed men without the basics. Sometimes it is a result of a recent divorce that men lose nearly everything and need a few years to catch up. That's an ok situation. It's the others that have been living off women for years and have made a pattern of it. There are many and usually they have very charming personalities -- that is what they can offer. I have seen my strong, successful female friends suffer. Usually the women get sick of supporting these guys eventually and tell them to tleave (which can take a very long time) and they end up on line right away looking for their next meal ticket. We, as women have gained and lost support due to the feminist movement. So, any man under 40 had witnessed strong women picking up the pieces after a divorce and carrying on. Men under 40 have a different view of their "role" than the older ones. Many very bright men have chosen to linger in school well into their 30's while having the bills paid by girlfriends, only to leave them when they get it together. Yes, the stereotypical female golddiggers are still out there, but there are just as many men nowadays. An equal partnership is best, but still very hard to find.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 46 (view)

What Does Seperated Really Mean? Posted: 9/7/2007 6:21:17 PM
I have to jump in here. I must say I can really relate to Disney Mom. I have been divorced for 8 years, prior to that there was 2 years of "separation" and working the legal details out. I chose not to date while separated for personal reasons...I needed to rediscover myself and heal. I met and fell in love with a separated man 4 years after my divorce was final and got burned. I heard all the same lines that Disney Mom heard -- "It's been over with us for years," "We've had separate bedrooms for 2 years," "We stayed together for the kids," "I don't know why I stayed so long," "I don't love her anymore," blah, blah, blah. Same old. After a few months of seeing him, I fell in love and he ran. While he did not move back in with his ex, he continued to see her in a romantic way and considered her his best friend. There is still some sort of relationship to this day, 4 years later, although it is denied. Money was an issue regarding the filing of the papers, but c'mon. I also continued a friendship with this man believing that if I was just patient and understanding enough he would come around and eventually move on and away from her. There was some romantic back and forth, with me always being left in the end feeling that huge hole in my heart. Eventually I did realize that enough is enough and cut the cord to the relationship in general...a hard but essential decision. I was then able to move forward and start dating other men again. Ironically, I ran into a couple more "separated men" who sang me the same lines as the heartbreaker I described above. When I voiced my concerns about their emotional strength and availbility they claimed they were ready for an ltr -- but they al so ran even before the first face to face off cyberspace! I know that separted means limbo -- I just think the newly separated are dealing with denial and are challenged with being on the planet as a single once again. I know, it takes a couple years.

chakra17

Joined: 7/22/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Why do so many married people seek comfort and friendship on the Internet prior to leaving their s/o Posted: 9/7/2007 5:36:08 PM
Swamp thing you are so right on. Enough said.

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