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stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Gun shop Posted: 9/5/2007 11:46:00 AM
Guy goes in to a gun shop to buy a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes 1 out of the display and points out of the window and says "This babys is so good you can see right in to my house on that hill way way over there" The man takes the gun and looks through the sight and starts laughing "WHATS so funny says the assistant?" "I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house" says the customer. Snatching the Rifle from the customers hands the assisant looks through the site and sees what the customer just told him. The assistant says to the customer "if i give you 2 bullets will you blow off my wifes head with 1 bullet and the guys****with the other bullet? and I'll give you the telescopic sight for free" The customer the takes the bullets and starts looking through the sight and he hands the assistant 1 bullet back and says "I THINK I CAN DO THIS WITH JUST ONE SHOT"

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Hospital Hit Parade Posted: 9/2/2007 12:34:53 PM
"I'll be Sewing You" "Red Cells in the Sunset" "It;s Spleen a Long, Long Time" "It Had to Be Flu" "On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma" "Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney" "Yes, We Have No Pajamas" "Glove Me Tender "Stitchcraft" "The Staphs and Streps Forever" "The Pill Is Gone" "Old Man's Liver" "Mammaries Are Made of This" "Try To Dismember" "That Old Gangrene of Mine" "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace" "On the Road to Mend and Lay" "The Girl From Emphysema" "Lay That Hupo Down, Babe" "Secondhand Nose" "You're Nobody Until Somebody Gloves You: "Thanks For the Mammaries" "Call Me Unresponsive" "MRI Blue?" "Let's Cut the Whole Thing Off" "Some Implanted Evening" "Blame It on My Tooth" "My Melancolicky Baby" "From Here to Maternity" "Merci, Docs" "You Broke Your Promise But I'll Get a Lung"

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Taking care of Grandma Posted: 8/18/2007 4:23:18 PM
I rung in work sick today!! and my boss said "How sick are you??" Well I replied I am in bed with my grandma!!!!

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Redneck Etiquette Posted: 8/17/2007 10:28:22 AM
Ears: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must also be cleaned regularly, because ear wax buildup can short circuit a starter switch.) Brushing & Flossing Scientists have proven that the use of a toothbrush (and toothpaste when available) can help people keep their teeth into their thirties and even beyond. Dental floss, the modern equivalent of broom straw, is also helpful. A lightweight monofilament fishing line works just as well. Remove lures first. Manicures and Pedicures: Dirt and grease under the nails is a social no no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. Corns and calluses can be removed using a common potato peeler, remember never to cut against the grain. Hair Care (FOR MEN) Contrary to popular belief, dandruff is not an incurable disease. Rubbing motor oil into the scalp once a week will turn the flakes dark and then they will not be noticeable. If you can't afford hair tonic, brake fluid holds the hair in place and gives it a dark, Elvis like sheen. (FOR WOMEN) While a tall hive of hair is the current rage, it can be an open invitation to bees and hornets. A 50/50 mixture of Black Flag and hairspray can prove to be a girl's best summertime friend. Driving When approaching a four way stop, remember that the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, remember that it is impolite to ask her to bring back a beer. Remember that the median is not a passing lane. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Being suspended or sacked Posted: 8/6/2007 2:10:20 PM
I know the feeling of being suspended I accedently sent a e-mail to the wrong person years ago and I sent it to the right surname at work but the wrong forename I felt sick but I got a formal written warning the people who sent me the e-mail got Final Written Warning its not nice but I have learnt my lesson and got on with my job now I am doing well doing management duties all the time

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

WOW LOOK AT THIS Posted: 8/6/2007 10:21:07 AM
Anyone can send it on

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Another funny one! Posted: 8/5/2007 11:27:05 PM
Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" "No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

HOLLY Posted: 8/5/2007 11:26:06 PM
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

THE POPE (THIS IS WELL FUNNY) Posted: 8/5/2007 11:24:09 PM
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.' Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

WOW LOOK AT THIS Posted: 8/4/2007 3:41:00 AM
Yeah thats fine I hoped you thought it was funny Rick

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

You Might be a Redneck if... Posted: 8/4/2007 3:14:06 AM
You Might be a Redneck if... you as old as your great great great great great great -brother - (inbreading)

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER Posted: 8/3/2007 5:03:13 PM
REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER Three Little Words That Work!! (1) The three little words: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear BT's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... You have efficiently completed your task. These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting. (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a "real" salesperson to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!! 3: When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk,do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage "IF" and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes. Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express ... They might need one! Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... In case their canteen packs up. You get the idea. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form ... After all, it is their form! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all ... You are just returning it!!!! The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... We need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it .. Twice! Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea! If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore.

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

WOW LOOK AT THIS Posted: 8/3/2007 4:57:04 PM
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Chemist!! Posted: 8/3/2007 4:56:17 PM
A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blond. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container . "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Drinks Posted: 8/3/2007 4:09:40 PM
these three women are sitting around discussing the sexual prowess of there boyfriends and one of them "says if your boyfriend was a soda what kind would he be ? the first woman thought about it a few seconds and said i guess mine would be a 7 up because hes seven inches and hes always up, the secound woman took a little longer to think about it but she says i guess mine would be a mountain dew because hes always mounting me and were always dewing it,they third lady took so long thinking about it the other women had to ask her what kind would yours be ? she said mine would be jack daniels the other two women said thats not fair jack daniels is a liquor, the woman said yeah thats my man!

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

many kinds of scams Posted: 8/3/2007 4:02:57 PM
I hate these scams everyday I keep getting e-mails I have won the lottery please supply your details yeah right (THE E-MAILS are not even headed with the company logos) this is weird and everytime you send the e-mails back to the IPS they dont do anything how many times am I related to an african uncle the late John (my surname) leaving his will millions of pounds. SCAMMMMMM!!

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

I love these comical names I bet Bart Simpson would love these Posted: 8/3/2007 3:57:15 PM
I bet Bart Simpson would love these: Lets have some replies on this people Aaron Thetires (Air in the Tires) Abe Rudder (Hey Brother) Abbie Birthday (Happy Birthday) Abel N. Willan (Able and Willing) Achilles Punks (I'll Kill These Punks) Adam Bomb (Atom Bomb) Adam Meway (Out of My Way) Adam Sapple (Adam's Apple) Adolf Oliver Nippils (Ate Off All Of Her Nipples) Al B. Zienya (I'll Be Seeing You) Al DePantzeu (I'll De-Pants You) Al Gore-Rythim (Algorithym) Al Kaholic (Alcoholic) Al Kaseltzer (Alkaseltzer) Al Kickurass (I'll Kick Your Ass) Al Killeu (I'll Kill You) Al Luminum (Aluminum) Al Nino (El Nino) Al O'Moaney (Alimony) Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll ** Anyone) Alec Tricity (Electricity) Alex Blaine Layder (I'll Explain Later) Alf Abet (Alphabet) Ali Gator (Ali Gator) Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina) Amanda B. Recandwithe (A Man to Be Reckoned With) Amanda Lay (A Man To Lay) Amanda Hugnkiss (A Man to Hug and Kiss) Andy Gravity (Anti-Gravity) Andy Structible (Indestructible) Anita(I need a Anita Bath (I Need A Bath) Anita Hoare (I Need A Whore) Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous) Ann Chovie (Anchovy) Ann Tartica (Antartica) Anna Linjection (Anal Injection) Anna Mull (Animal) Anna Rexiya (Anorexia) Anne T. Lope (Antelope) Annie Buddyhome (Anybody Home) Annie Mah (Enema) Ariel Hassle (A Real Hassle) Artie Choke (Artichoke) Aunty Biotic (Anti-Biotic) Ayma Dommy (I'm A Dummy) Ayma Moron (I'm a Moron) Barb Dwyer (Barbed Wire) Barb E. Cue (Barbecue) Barry D'Alive (Buried Alive) Barry D. Hatchett (Bury the Hatchett) Barry Shmelly (Very Smelly) Bart Ender (Bartender) Bea O'Problem (B.O. Problem) Bea Sting (Bee Sting) Beau Vine (Bovine) Ben Crobbery (Bank Robbery) Ben Dover (Bend Over) Ben O'Drill (Benadryl) Ben Thair (Been There) Ben Lyon (Been lieing) Bess Twishes (Best Wishes) Betty Bangzer (Bet He Bangs Her) Betty Beatzer (Bet He Beats Her) Betty Humpser (Bet He Humps Her) Bill Board (Billboard) Bill Ding (Building) Bill Leeake (Belly Ache) Bill Lowney (Bologna) Bjorn Free (Born Free) Bo Nessround (Bonus Round) Bob Frapples (Bob for Apples) Bowen Arrow (Bow and Arrow) Boyd Schidt (Bird Shit) Brice Tagg (Price Tag) Brighton Early (Bright and Early) Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge) Bud Weiser (Budweiser) Burnedette Down (Burnt it Down) Buster Cherry (Bust her Cherry) Buster Hymen (Bust her Hymen) Cal Culator (Calculator...duh) Cal Efornia (California) Cal Seeium (Calcium) Candice B. DePlace (Can This Be The Place) Candice B. Fureal (Can This Be For Real) Carl Arm (Car Alarm) Carlotta Tendant (Car Lot Attendant) Carra S. Midown (Caress Me Down) Carrie DeKoffin (Carry the Coffin) Carrie Oakey (Karaoke) Carson O. Gin (Carcinogen) Casey Deeya (Quesadilla) Casey Needzit (In Case He Needs It) Chad Terbocks (Chatterbox) Chanda Lear (Chandalear) Chi Spurger (Cheeseburger) Chris Ko (Crisco) Chris Mass (Christmas) Chris P. Nugget (Crispy Nugget) Chuck Mysak (Chuck My Sack) Chuck Roast (Hmmm...Chuck Roast?) Claire DeAir (Clear the Air) Clara Nett (Clarinet) Clara Sabell (Clear as a Bell) Claude N. Skretchem (Clawed and Scratched Them) Clint Toris (Clitoris) Cody Pendant (Co-Dependant) Cole Kutz (Cold cuts) See Colette A. Day Colin Allcars (Calling all Cars) Colleen Cardd (Calling Card) Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus) Craig Potz (Crackpots) Craven Moorehead (Craving More Head) Crystal Ball (Crystal Ball) Curt N. Rodd (Curtain Rod) Curt Zee (Curtsy) Cy Burns (Sideburns) Cy Kosis (Psychosis) Dale E. Bread (Daily Bread) Dan D. Lyon (Dandelion) Dan Druff (Dandruff) Dan Geruss (Dangerous) Dan Gleebitz (Dangly Bits) Danielle Soloud (Don't Yell So Loud) Darius Lesgettham (There He Is, Let's Get Him) Darrell B. Moore (There'll be More) Daryl Lect (Derelict) Dawn Keebals (Donkey Balls) Dee Capitated (Decapitated) Dee Faced (Defaced) Dee Sember (December) Dennis Toffice (Dentist Office) Denny Juan Heredatt (Did Anyone Hear That?) Des Buratto (Desperado) Diane Toluvia (Dyin' to Love Ya) Di O'Bolic (Diobolic) Dick Cumoff (Dick Come Off) Dick Gozinia (Dick Goes In Ya) Dick Head (Uhhh...Dick Head) Dick N. Cider (Dick Inside Her) Dick Zucker (Dick Sucker...You Know Who You Are) Dick Tater (Dictator) Didi Reelydoit (Did He Really Do It?) Dinah Sore (Dinosaur) Doll R. Bill...(Dollar Bill) Don Thatt (Done That) Doug Graves (Dug Graves) Douglas S. Halfempty (The Glass is Half Empty) Drew Blood (Drew Blood) Drew Peacock (Droopy Duane DeVane (Drain the Vain) Dustin D. Furniture (Dusting the Furniture) Dwayne Pipes (Drain Pipes) Dylan Weed (Dealin' Weed) Earl E. Byrd (Early Bird) Eda(Eat a Ed Ible (Edible) Ed Jewcation (Education) Ed Venture (Adventure) Eileen Dover (I Leaned Over) Ella Vader (Elevator) Elle O'Quent (Eloquent) Ellie Noise (Illinois) Ellis Dee (L.S.D) Elmer Sklue (Elmer's Glue) Emma Roids (Hemorrhoids) Eric Shun (Erection) Evan Lee Arps (Heavenly Harps) Evans Gayte (Heavan's Gate) Eve Hill (Evil) Eve Ning (Evening) Eve O'Lution (Evolution) Ewan Whatarmy (You and What Army?) Faye Kinnitt (Faking It) Faye Slift (Face Lift) Faye Tallity (Fatality) Fletcher Bisceps (Flex Your Bisceps) Frank Furter (Frankfurter) Freida Convict (Free the Convict) Frank N. Stein (Frankenstein) Gabe Asher (Gay Basher) Gabe Barr (Gay Bar) Gene E. Yuss (Genius) Gene Poole (Gene Pool) Ginger Vitis (Gingervitis) Gil T. Azell (Guilty as Hell) Gladys Eeya (Glad to See Ya) Gus Comzadia (Gas Comes Outta Ya) Gus Tofwin (Gust of Wind) Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah) Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick) Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs) Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky) Harmon Ikka (Harmonica) Harris Mint (Harassment) Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire) Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack) Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener) Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek) Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?) Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?) Hein Noon (High Noon) Helen Back (Hell and Back) Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket) Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off) Herbie Hind (Her Behind) Herb E. Side (Herbiside) Herbie Voor (Herbivore) Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin) Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn) Holly Wood (Hollywood) Homan Provement (Home Improvent) Homer Sexual (Homosexual) Howard I. No (How Would I Know?) Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner) Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?) Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer) Hugh Beeotch (You ) Hugh deMann (You Da Man!) Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection) Hugh Jass (Huge Ass) Hugh Mungous (Humungous) Hugo First (You Go First) Hy Gene (Hygiene) Ida Hoe (Idaho) Ida Whana (I Don't Want to) Igor Beaver (Eager Beaver) Ilene Dover (I Leaned Over) Ima B. Leever (I'm A Believer) I.P. Freehly (I Pee Freely) Ira Fuse (I Refuse) I. Ron Stomach (Iron Stomach) Ivana Humpalot (I Want to Hump A Lot) Ivan Itchinanus (I Hate an Itching Anus) Ivana Kutchukokoff (I Wanna Cut YourOff) Ivana Tinkle ( I Want to Tinkle) Izzy Backyet (Is He Back Yet?) Izzy Cumming (Is He Cumming) Jack Dupp (Jacked Up) Jack Koff (Jack Off) Jack Pot (Jackpot!) Jacques Strap (Jock Strap) Jan U. Wharry (January) Jane Linkfence (Chainlink Fence) Jaqueline Hyde (Jekyll and Hyde) Jawana Die (Do Ya Wanna Die?) Jay Walker (Uhhh...Jay Walker) Jeanette Akenja-Nearing (Genetic Engineering) Jed I. Knight (Jedi Knight) Jeff Healitt (Did Ya Feel It?) Jenny Tull (Genital) Jerry Atrics (Geriatrics) Jim Nasium (Gymnasium) Joanna Hand (D'ya Want a Hand?) Joe Czarfunee (Jokes Are Funny) Joe King (Joking) Jose Frayed (Who's Afraid) Juan De Hattatime(One Day at a Time) Juan Fortharoad (One For the Road) Juan Nightstand (One Night Stant) Juana Bea (Wanna-Be) Justin Case (Just in Case) Justin Credible (Just Incredible) Kareem O'Weet (Cream of Wheat) Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and Coffee) Kay Neine (Canine) Kay O'Pectate (Kaopectate) Ken Oppenner (Can Opener) Kenitra Bush (Can I Eat Your Bush) Kenny Dewitt (Can He Do It?) Kenny Fakur (Can he her) Kent Cook (Can't Cook) Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign Slogan) Kimmy Head (Give Me Head) Lance Lyde (Landslide) Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy) Lee Keyrear (Leaky Rear) Lee Nover (Lean Over) Len DeHande (Lend a Hand) Leo Tarred (Leotard) Lily Livard (Lily Livered) Lisa Neucar (Lease a New Car) Liz Onnia (Lasagna) Lou Briccant (Lubricant) Lon Moore (Lawn Mower) Luke Adam Go (Look at Him Go) Lou Sirr (Loser) Lou Stooth (Loose Tooth) Louise E. Anna (Louisiana) Lowden Clear (Loud and Clear) Luke Atmyass (Look At My Ass) Luna Tick (Lunatic) Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie Like a Dog) Lynn Guini (Linguini) Lynn Meabuck (Lend Me a Buck) Mabel Syrup (Maple Syrup) Madame Crotch (My Damn Crotch) Madka Owdiseez (Mad Cow Disease) Manuel Labor (Manual labor) Marcus Absent (Mark Us Absent) Marge Innastraightline (March in a Straight Line) Marion Money (Marrying Money) Mark Mywords (Mark My Words) Mark Z. Spot (Mark The Spot) Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes) Martha Fokker (Motherer) Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas) Mary Gold (Marigold) Mary Juana (Marijuana) Mary Ott (Marriot) Mary Thonn (Marathon) Master Bates (Masturbates) May I. Tutchem (May I Touch Them?) May O'Nays (Mayonaise) Max E. Mumm (Maximum) Max E. Pad (Maxi Pad) Megan Bacon (Makin' Bacon) Mel Keetehts (Milky Tits) Melissa Tothis (Ma, Listen to This) Mel Practiss (Malpractice) Michael Toris (My Clitoris) Michelle Lynn (Michelin) Midas Well (Might As Well...) Mike Hunt (My Mike Ockhurts (MyHurts) Mike Ocksmall (Mys Small) Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft) Mike Rotchburns (My Crotch Burns) Milly Meter (Millimeter) Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt) Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous) Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor) Mitch Again (Michigan) Miya Buttreaks (My Butt Reaks) Moe DeLawn (Moe the Lawn) Moe Lester (Molester) Moe Skeeto (Mosquito) Moe Telsiks (Motel Six) Mary Ott (Marriot) Mort Tallity (Mortality) Myra Maines (My Remains) Mysha Long (My Shlong) Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more?) Nida Lyte (Need a Light) Neil B. Formy (Kneel Before Me) Neve Adda (Nevada) Nick L. Andime (Nickel and Dime) Nick O'Teen (Nicotine) Nick Ovtime (Nick Of Time) Oliver Closeoff (All of her Clothes Off) Ophelia Titzoff (I'll Feel Your Tits Off) Opie Umsgood (Opium's Good) Otto B. Kilt (Ought to be Killed) Otto Whackew (Ought to Whack You) Paige Turner (Page Turner) Papa Boner (Pop a Boner) Pat Myckok (Pat My Patty Meltt (Umm....Patty Melt) Patty O'Furniture (Patio Furniture) Pearl E. Gates(Pearly Gates) Pearl E White (Pearly White) Peppy Roni (Pepperoni) Pete Zaria (Pizzeria) Peter Pantz (Peed her pants) Phil A. Delphia (Philadelphia) Phil Atio (Fellatio) Phil DeGrave (Fill the grave) Phil Down (Feel Down) Phil McCracken (Fill My Crack In) Phil Myez (Feel My Ass) Phil Mypockets (Fill my pockets) Phillip McCrevice (Fill up my Crevice) Phyllis Schlong (Feel his Shlong) Polly Esther Pantts (Polyester Slacks) Poppa Woody (Pop A Woody) Galore (Well...What the hell do you think it means?!) Quimby Ingmeen (Quit Being Mean) Quint S. Henschel (Quintessential) Quinton Chingme (Quit Touching Me) Quinton Plates (Contemplates) Rachel DeScrimination (Racial Descrimination) Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation) Ray Pugh (Rape You) Renee Sance (Renaisance) Rick Kleiner (Recliner) Rick O'Shea (Ricochet) Rip Tile (Reptile) Rita Book (Read a Book) Robin D.Craydle (Robbing the Cradle) Robin Banks (Robbing Banks) Robin Meeblind (Robbing Me Blind) Ron A. Muck (Run Amuck) Ruben Mycock (Rubbing My Russell Ingleaves (Rustling Leaves) Sadie Word (Say the Word) Sal Ami (Salami) Sal Sage (Sausage) Sal T. Penuz (Salty Penis or Peanuts) Sam Manilla (Salmonella) Sam Pull (Sample) Sam Dayoulpay (Some day you'll pay) Sam Urai (Samurai) Samson Night (Samsonite) Sarah Doctorinthehouse (Is There a Doctor in the House) Scott Shawn DeRocks (Scotch on the Rocks) Seaman Sample (Semen Sample) Seymour Butts (See more butts) Sheeza Freak (She's a Freak) Sheri Cola (Cherry Cola) Sherman Wadd Evver (Sure Man, Whatever) Shirley Knot (Surely not?) Shirley U. Jest (Surely You Jest) Sid Down (Sit Down) Sir Fin Waves (Surfin' Waves) Stacey Rhect (Stays Erect) Stan Dup (Stand up) Stu Padasso (Stupid *hole) Stu Pitt (Stupid) Sue Case (Suitcase) Sue E. Side (Suicide) Sue Permann (Superman) Sue Shi (Sushi) Sue Ridge (Sewage) Sue Yourazzof (Sue Your Ass Off) Tanya Hyde (Tan Your Hide) Tara Newhall (Tear a New Hole) Tate Urchips (Tater Chips) Ted E. Baer (Teddy Bear) Telly Vision (Television) Teresa Green (Trees are Green) Tess Tickle (Testicle) Tim Burr (Timber) Tina See (Tennessee) Titus Balsac (Tightest Ball Sack) Torah Hyman (Tore a Hymen) Ty Tannick (Titanic) Ty Tass (Tight Ass) Tyrone Shoes (Tie Your Own Shoes) Ulee Daway (You Lead the Way) U.P. Freehly (You Pee Freely) Val Crow (Velcro) Val Lay (Valet) Val Veeta (Velveeta) Vlad Tire (Flat Tire) Walter Melon (Watermelon) Warren Piece (War and Peace) Wayne Deer (Reindeer) Wayne Kerr (Wanker) Willie Maykit (Will He Make It?) Wilma Leggrowbach (Will My Leg Grow Back?) Winnie Bago (Winnebago) Winnie Dipoo (Winnie the Pooh) Woody U. No (What Do You Know?) Xavier Breath (Save Your Breath) Xavier Money (Save Your Money) Yerma Wildo (Your Mom Will Do) Yousuckmynuts N. Scratchm (You Suck My Nuts and Scratch Them) Yule B. Sari (You'll Be Sorry) Zeke N. Yeshallfind (Seek and You Shall Find) Zelda Kowz (Sell the Cows) Zoltan Pepper (Salt and Pepper)

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Sailing Posted: 8/3/2007 3:54:05 PM
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Posted: 8/3/2007 3:52:20 PM
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn. The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying bye," she cried, "after we made such passionate love last night?" "What?" shouted the father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 99 (view)

Diplomatic ways to tell someone they are stupid Posted: 8/3/2007 3:49:21 PM
The Wheel's Spinning but the hamsters dead.... thats a favourite of mine 1 sandwich short of a picnic 1 grain of sand short of a sandcastle

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

smaritians Posted: 8/3/2007 3:40:26 PM
I started a new job with the Smaritans last week - However I rung in sick but they talked me out of it......................................

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

condoms (this is so funny) Posted: 8/3/2007 3:36:05 PM
THE DSS CHILD SUPORT ONE - cause you always get FU***D

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

7 dwarfs Posted: 8/3/2007 9:10:44 AM
The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"

stockportrico

Joined: 7/28/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Door's Posted: 8/3/2007 8:53:40 AM
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

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