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 Author Thread: Coupons and Dating
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 89 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 11/16/2009 11:42:31 PM
kjacks31 said:

I think coupons are a good thing, but kind of lame for the first few dates. It's a first impression thing. Once you've been dating long enough for your date to know you for who you are, it's less of an issue.


Isn't the whole point of the first date to show them who you are? Don't you want them deciding to date you (or not to date you) based on who you really are, and not who you are when you're "putting your best foot forward"?

It comes down to a simple logic issue. If it's okay to use coupons on later dates, there's no reason why it isn't all right to use coupons on the first date. One of two scenarios is going to occur: 1) She's going to get offended because you aren't paying "full price" for the first date, thus showing herself to be materialistic, or 2) She's going to recognize that you understand money as a limited resource, and want to use it wisely.

I think that when it comes to dating, we should be working a lot less hard on actively trying to impress someone, and a lot harder on being someone the other person would naturally be impressed by. It's literally a "trying too hard" situation. I'm fine with the fact that there are going to be people, men and women both, who don't like me. So long as their choice there is made on who I am and not surface factors that may or may not be indicative of my actual being, no harm, no foul. Not everyone will like everyone else.

But likewise, I know there are going to be people, men and women both, who do like me, and I didn't have to put forth any extra effort. As a result of whatever relevant personality factors within them resonated, they naturally liked me after encountering me. In such situations, there's a pretty solid chance I'm going to likewise be drawn to them. I feel a lot more proud and secure of such friendships because they occurred organically, and no one had to put forth specific effort to impress.

It goes the same way in the dating arena for me. If I see a woman who's dressing specifically to get attention, paying lots of attention to her makeup, hair style, accessories, etc., I'm more often than not going to be repulsed by her. I'm going to conclude she's vain, shallow, self-centered, and honestly lacks a good deal of confidence in herself; she doesn't trust that who she is will attract people, so she has to slather on trowels full of cosmetics, spend hundreds (or more) of dollars on brand-name clothing, bags, heels, etc., and has to present herself in such a fashion as to scream "Hey! Look at me! Notice me! I'm here! Do you love me?"

Meanwhile, the woman walking down the street in a nice blouse or t-shirt and jeans, with her hair simply combed or maybe pulled back in a ponytail, maybe with some glasses on, wearing a simple down jacket if it's cold, unassuming leather jacket if it's cool, or just a light sweater if there's a breeze, is going to catch my attention a lot quicker. She's going to have an easy, cadenced stride, she's able to meet strangers' eyes and smile at them in a friendly, open fashion, and she exudes approachability, intelligence and depth by her simple demeanor.

Somehow, I think it's easy to figure out, between these two polar opposite types I've presented, who's going to be offended by a date using coupons and who either won't care or might actually be impressed.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Im not sure wether to call it off or try and fix it.
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:54:34 PM
So dude, you're 22, she's 20. You've been together since you were 19 and she was 17. No friggin' wonder it feels like you two are "growing apart". Statistics are heavily in my favor when I say YOU PROBABLY ARE! It's remarkable when two people can get married in their early 20s and stay married, but it's the exception these days, not the rule. Look at the statistics on this site:

http://www.cafemom.com/dailybuzz/healthy_living/5763/Divorce_Do_Women_in_Their_Early_20s_Stand_a_Chance_in_Marriage

If you feel you're growing apart, send her on her way, go on yours, be grateful for the time you spent together. If you feel like you still care for her, good. There's a time after a relationship where both people likely still care for each other deeply, but logically realize they shouldn't be together. Over time, that dwindles. It's called "healing". You entwined yourself emotionally with someone else, and that someone else is now cut out of your life, by your choice, theirs, or both of yours. That leaves a hole which needs time to heal.

Early 20s, or in your case "just 20s", is not the time to be married. Most 20-somethings don't even start to have a solid idea of who they are as individuals til their late 20s (sadly; I wish ladies in their 20s weren't so flaky, but there's just far too much evidence to the contrary), and you need to know who you are as an individual, apart from anyone else, before you have anything meaningful to add to a lifelong relationship.

So yes, go your separate ways.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
How to get confidence to do that 1st date thing
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:47:30 PM
You're separated. That's "still married". I don't care if you're no longer in physical proximity to him. You're still married. Get officially divorced before you go on dates. Any dates. For any reason.

After you get divorced, take one month off from dating for every year you were married. This may be a long time, tough. Find out who you are, figure out what you have to offer post-marriage, and then look at dating. You'll be ready for dating when you know what you have to offer, and when you know you can offer it.

Right now, if you're attempting to date, "separated" or not, you're just cheating on your husband.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How am I supposed to act on a first date?
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:45:09 PM
So dude... you're on a date. You want to show this person who you are, in the hopes that they'll like it enough to want more dates. Be who you are in your every day life. Don't do extra things, don't try to impress, don't dress differently than you regularly would. She's a person who's agreed to go out with you, someone you don't know much about. So ask questions that will give you information about her, but make sure it's information you want. Let the conversation flow naturally; she'll ask questions about you if she's interested. If she isn't, end it, let her know you don't think she's "feeling it" very well, and you'd just like to politely call things for the night.

On the other hand, if she is showing interest by asking you lots of questions about yourself, if you find it's easy to talk with her, if you're laughing together, then proceed with it. Don't overthink it. Don't think there's a "way to act" on a first date. Be who you are. If she doesn't like it, she's done, and you're better off.

If she likes it, have a great time together, and grab her boob at the end of the night.

That last part, for the over-sensitive, was a joke, by the way.

Unless, of course, the woman tells you that you can grab her boob. Then just find a private place and play with the fun times.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Question about Pregnant women
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:50:37 PM
mixkittyluv1:

It's hard to say whether you're "wasting your time" on the site; there are a lot of people on the site. The majority of them, I'd warrant, don't even use the forums, and you could conclude there are a lot of people on this site just from the regular forum participants alone.

There are guys out there who wouldn't mind a woman who's pregnant, though the sensible ones are going to want to find out whether the father of the baby is at all in the picture. If he is, there's a strong chance that they're going to want to stay away (if they're decent guys) or will play you for some sex before leaving (if they're jackasses).

The thing to realize is this: in becoming a parent, you're going to have to put your child in the #1 spot of consideration at all times. The baby can't take care of itself for a solid 13-14 years, and obviously won't be completely capable of being on its own before a minimum of 16, most often 18 or later. In having to put your child first, this will mean that any potential suitors in your life are going to have to come #2, and are going to have to be fine with that. A lot of guys won't be fine with it. Hopefully you find out about those types before you get emotionally invested in one of them.

I know that for me, I typically can't date a single parent for that very reason. I haven't 100% ruled it out, as there's always that slim chance that I'll meet a woman who positively knocks my socks off with how awesome she is, and she'll just happen to have a child or two. But in general, I think it's a give & take thing: the woman in my life always comes #1, above family, above friends. She's my first consideration, or else I wouldn't be in a committed relationship with her. But if she can't put me in the same spot, then things aren't even, and I don't think it's going to work out.

To put it bluntly, I won't come second to anyone. I understand children need to be the center of their parents' attention, which is why I typically shy away from single parents. I don't have to be the center of attention all the time, but I have to know that I'm my girlfriend's #1 consideration.

This won't be something you'll have to offer a guy, so he's either going to have to be fine with coming in #2 and potentially having a ready-made family, or he's going to have to look elsewhere.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Brown eyed Men?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:27:02 PM
So I'm in agreement with other posters here that attempting to decide anything based on someone's eye color is a bit insane.

Yet curiously, while most agree with that, there are still those who think that it's all right for a woman to refuse a man on the basis of his height. It, likewise, says nothing about his character.

Double standard, much? Consistency, people...
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Does being nice & complementing women work anymore?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:20:45 AM
Always good to see rampant shallowness and "princess syndrome" is alive and well.

Women like this deserve to have their world torn apart.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Understanding Women, just for fun...
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:10:31 PM
Lists like that are well-recognized because enough women who do things like that have been encountered to provide that level of familiarity. This would theoretically point to it being closer to "the norm" rather than "the exception".

In before "I'm the exception, I'm not like that!" :wink
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
tell me i have done the right thing and that i'm not crazy!
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:44:12 PM
dotmcmini said:

today i terminated a relationship that was going nowhere. i dated this guy i work with for about a year, i could feel him pulling away about 3 months ago when he began talking to another girl at work. i was jealous and told him so.

So far so good... Except for being cataclysmically dumb enough to date someone you work with.

dotmcmini said:

he said there's nothing going on, continued to grow apart from me and closer to her. he ended our relationship at the end of august and i was heart broken like never before. our relationship was good...really good so i didn't understand.

The truth, as should now be apparent to you, is that you thought the relationship was good. He obviously didn't, or he would have stayed. The problem here lies with you: you saw him pulling away, and didn't take appropriate action to save yourself. The pain and anguish is on your head.

dotmcmini said:

he then hooked up with this girl for a few weeks but then ended it to come back to me. i asked him to cut contact with her but he would not. i felt like a fool.

That's because you're acting like one, so go with the feeling. What puts you in a position to tell another adult who they can and can't interact with? Sounds like control issues to me. This whole thing sounds ridiculously dramatic and high-maintenance.

dotmcmini said:

i work with 20people who all know what's happened.

So not only did you do something foolish like date a coworker, but you did it in a small company where everyone pays attention to everyone else's business? Again, without justifying his actions, you were in 100% control at all times. If you're having difficulties now, it's your fault for not showing some common sense based on his past behavior and getting out of that situation.

dotmcmini said:

last night i drank heavily and then foolishly texted him AGAIN. i felt so desperate and pathetic. i'm so embarrassed by my words and behavior.

Ahhh, yes, the always-popular "I drank too much!" defense, so often used (and so often failing, though most are too kind to say anything) to justify idiotic behavior. So here's an idea: don't fracking drink heavily. Learn some moderation. Act like an adult and not a spoiled child. You feel desperate and pathetic, and you're embarrassed by your words and behavior? As I said above, go with those instincts. They're trying to tell you something.

dotmcmini said:

why was carrying this on and on? he didn't really want to be with me but also not let go so kept me baited with crumbs of maybes?

That's exactly what he was doing. He was keeping you on the bench so he had a guaranteed thing in case his attempt to upgrade didn't pan out.

And you fell for it.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Am I being paranoid?
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:36:11 PM
First off, don't take 1KindMan4U's advice. That's stupid game playing best left behind on the middle school playground.

If you aren't sure, then fracking ask him. This communication thing is a crazy new invention: someone says something that isn't clear to you, so you ask for clarification, and then whammo!, you have clarity and understanding!

And even better, this fancy new invention is 100% FREE!

Blows your mind, doesn't it?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Picky? Or Unwilling to Settle for less.
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:33:46 PM
It's hard to know whether you're being "too picky" based only on the criteria you've provided. The requirement of a car and its validity depends greatly on where you live; if it's in a small town or rural community, cars are a necessity, because there isn't a public transit infrastructure there to be used for reliable transportation. If you live in a city, then you have no particular logical reason for demanding that a man who'd want to date you have a car. If he can get where he needs to be, and he isn't consistently pestering you for rides, then whether he has a car or not shouldn't matter. If it does, one would be forced to conclude at that point that you care more about status than practicality.

What happens if you meet a man who isn't at the height of physical fitness, but you get along really well with him? Do you then refuse him because he isn't an Adonis? These are the sorts of questions you should ask yourself (and others if you're seeking their input) before deciding if you're "too picky".

Me? I see what you asked, and all I think is "high maintenance".
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
being stalked by bf's co-worker(REAL PROBLEM)
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:22:49 PM
File a report, let the authorities handle it, and stop being a part of drama.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:18:20 PM
TheReason said:

I wouldn't throw it down for my half of the bill.

Why? What rationale do you have for not wanting to do this? If you have the coupon, what's keeping you from using it?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
FWB or not?
Posted: 10/17/2009 12:55:42 PM
What a surprise... you went into a FWB situation, got it, and now you don't want it. Whne are people going to friggin' learn?

Look, you set the initial boundaries with him by sleeping with him on the first date. He wanted FWB, you agreed, and both of you proceeded accordingly. Now you've decided you want more than that arrangement with him, is it any surprise that he doesn't? He had the best of both worlds: on-demand sex without any of the inevitable drama that arises in a relationship.

Either continue with the arrangement you originally had, or if it isn't working for you any longer, split. The problem here is with you, not him.

Crap or get off the pot.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
girls like to have fun right
Posted: 10/17/2009 12:51:15 PM
She's using you. Plain and simple. She's teasing you, and likely getting off on it. Might even be having a good chuckle with her girlfriends about it too. Not that I'm paranoid...

Truth of it is, she is using you, but might not realize it. If she's taken a vow before God that she's not going to be intimate on that level with someone until she really knows them, then that's admirable, but her actions aren't putting her in a position where she has any ease sticking to that vow, and in addition she only manages to damage God's reputation with someone who potentially may not know Him at all. It's natural, if you're in a heavy makeout session, to wonder why someone rationalizes putting the breaks on with a divine vow. Most people will logically be confused how a makeout session with groping and swapping spit is "all right", but dropping trou and playing "connect the parts" isn't.

It's one thing if you're making out with someone, and they pull back, saying "I don't want to go this far, not yet." It's perfectly justifiable. Sometimes people let their emotions overwhelm their common sense. I don't personally see why some people are that weak, as I think common sense and logic should outweigh emotion 100% of the time, but others don't see things that way.

But going that far with you, pulling out a holy vow, and then saying she wants you to act as though none of it had happened, is a b!tch move. Not saying she's a b!tch, I'm saying it's a "b!tch move". I suggest just getting away from her and finding someone more stable.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
The First Kiss...
Posted: 10/16/2009 12:23:00 PM
If it's "feeling right", I'll go for it, but I have to be pretty damned sure. Most of the time, I'm going to ask, as the alternative is a gentle refusal at best, a slap, or at worst a lawsuit.

Then again, we live in a country where it's a lot easier for a woman to bring a lawsuit against a man for this sort of thing than it is for a man to sue a woman for it. Go go "equality", eh?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
losing your phone.
Posted: 10/16/2009 12:20:20 PM
Much like women (surprise surprise), it's difficult to pin down behavior by attempting to lump men together. I can't speak for what other men would do, but I can tell you how I would interpret this.

If I call, and I can't get through, I'm likely to wait a couple of hours and call again; your phone could be off, you could be going through a deadzone (less and less of them, but they're still around, particularly in rural areas).

Did you cancel that number, or close your account due to the lost phone? If that's the case, if I called and got any message your service provider would give relating to those two things, I'd assume you were playing me, giving me a number that didn't actually work or that you no longer used. It's sad that men have to reach that conclusion, but many of us have had to deal with it enough to be wary.

There's nothing stopping you from going to the nearest retail store for your provider, indicating you lost your phone, and getting a new SIM card (I'm assuming your phone was a GSM phone..., or uses a SIM card) for your old number, then plugging it into a cheap Nokia or something until you can replace your actual phone (I'd lose my mind if I lost my iPhone). But if it goes a couple of days, he isn't likely to try again. He might, but your chances dwindle with each day you let go by with no contact.

You might want to, in that case, try to physically find him again if you're that intent on going on a date with him.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
I told her i can't just be a friend... but she didnt wanna hear that.. help
Posted: 10/15/2009 2:33:37 PM
Get away from her. Fast. What she's saying when she wants you to be "her friend" without wanting a romantic relationship with you is this: "I want you to provide me with some emotional intimacy, and maybe the occasional snuggle, but I don't want the sense of obligation that comes with a relationship." You deserve better.

It's good that she realizes she needs some time to herself; she seems like one of these people who was a pathetic little weakling in her past for not ever having time away from a relationship, and going from one right to the other. No wonder she's emotionally screwed up... She might be finally making the attempt to grow out of this behavior, which is admirable, and should be encouraged.

But pulling out the waterworks and backing off on what was initially a solid suggestion from her (wanting to spend some time on her own) is just emotional manipulation. She likely realizes it, too. If she doesn't, she's one of those emotional vampires who wantonly flounces through her life heedless of the damage her dementia causes.

She "wants to have her cake and eat it too", which you should be no part of. You were honest, you did the right thing: you told her you couldn't be with her as just a friend. Stick to that. Don't let her guilt you into sticking around 'cause she'll cry a little. She said what she wanted. Maybe she's never heard the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it." Now it's time for her to learn this lesson.

Geez... what the hell is it with girls in their early to mid twenties that makes them so flaky and high-maintenance? She's a friggin' adult... maybe it's time for you to force her to learn one of the necessary life lessons that will teach her to act like one.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 282 (view)
 
Why are guys afraid to ask women out?
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:03:59 AM
Acastus39 said:

Because attraction isn't a choice, a girl makes consciously, you need to spark the attraction by flirting with the girl from the very beginning of the interaction.

No offense man, but this is bullshit. Attraction is a conscious choice that every person makes. If it weren't under a woman's (or man's) control, why would ever hear a woman saying "He became more attractive to me the more I got to know him"? It's a conscious choice.

As to the OP's question, there are a multitude of reasons why guys are more hesitant to ask women out these days than might have been the case in the past. Some of them aren't good reasons (the man can't handle rejection, the man is just timid and afraid, etc.), some of them are very valid reasons (the man has repeatedly encountered women who don't know what they want, and cause damage to every man they interact with as a result, etc.). There's no one answer to this question.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/14/2009 9:23:36 PM
And yet curiously, you haven't yet been able to say why you find the use of a coupon "tacky". Interesting, and curiously evasive...
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/14/2009 7:14:08 PM
sabrosura said:

If we go out on a dinner date for OUR FIRST DATE , and he whips out a coupon I would find that very cheesy/tasteless. It's not about the money. I don't need to be taken to a 5-star restaurant, but the act in itself is very tacky for the FIRST DATE.

You have yet to explain why this is "cheesy/tasteless". Is there actual logic and reason behind this perspective? If so, I'd like to hear it. If not, then it has zero validity. If you don't need to be taken to a 5-star restaurant, that would imply that you don't care much about the money being spent. If you don't care about the money being spent, then why would any action meant to reduce the cost have any impact one way or the other?

sabrosura said:

If he took me hiking or a walk in the park. That is a different story. You're talking apples and oranges in this scenario. You seem to be harping on the $$$ and I'm stating that the ACTION of whipping out a coupon on a first date is cheezy/tasteless/tacky.

If you think I'm talking apples & oranges, you're missing the larger issue I'm tackling here. Or you're just intentionally avoiding it.

You state that the action of pulling out a coupon on a first date is "cheezy/tasteless/tacky", but you have yet to say why, and until you can (and in the process provide that information by way of irrefutable logic), you've got nothing more than a personal perspective which holds zero value in an objective sense.

sabrosura said:

A hypocrite by no stretch of the imagination. If you made an effort to understand what some are saying, you may have a better understanding (you don't have to agree, but at least UNDERSTAND where this message is coming from).

You aren't being a hypocrite? If it's okay to use a coupon at any point, there's no logical reason why it wouldn't likewise be acceptable to use one on a date, any date, first or otherwise. I don't personally use them very often, if at all, but there's a principle here that needs dealing with. I understand what's being said, the problem is, there's no logic or consistency in it, and it thus holds no validity.

sabrosura said:

However, you appear to want to impose your beliefs, and make some women appear to be "gold-diggers". God knows this has been beaten like a dead horse on these forums.

I don't want to "make" anyone into anything. People do that quite well enough on their own. It is what it is, and the qualifying criteria were presented in as simple a fashion as they could be.

So if you don't think the money being spent on the date matters (which would on the surface seem to be admirable), then why does your date's choice to lessen the cost matter? If it's the action that matters, but the consequence of the action doesn't, it would be much like saying "Smoking matters, but the cancer you get from it doesn't". So can you explain why, if the amount of money being spent doesn't matter to you, the method of reducing the cost does?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Sexual compatability and timing
Posted: 10/14/2009 2:35:32 PM
Here's an idea: marry for love, and the sex will be a nice bonus to things. Sex is important, no one's saying it isn't, but if you put it as the primary deciding factor in things, you're going to suffer the same result that anything based on a physical primacy suffers in human relationships: a tragic, early and damaging end.

Consider the wisdom of these two scenarios:

Scenario A: Man and woman are both virgins, they have sex for the first time ever when they monogamously commit to each other (it doesn't have to be formalized marriage). The sex is mind-blowing to both of them, and they bond immediately on a very tough-to-break level. Why? They have no basis for comparison. To both of them, it's the best friggin' sex they've ever had. They grow together, stamina increases in relation to each other, they experiment together. They find out what does and doesn't work for them, and everything goes wonderfully in the sex area.

Scenario B: Man and/or woman have had one or more partners in their individual pasts before they meet. They get intimate with each other, and each are comparing the other to their past experiences in terms of size, technique and stamina. She thinks his penis is small, he thinks she squirts too much during an orgasm. They put sex as the primary deciding factor of their relationship, and the dissatisfaction that inevitably comes from comparisons to past partners eventually drives them apart. They're both pissed off, and even if everything else was wonderful before sex entered into the issue, because they elevated sex above everything else in their relationship, they're unable to get past their individual dissatisfactions, which are predicated on prior experiences.

The solution? Keep your legs closed. Find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, because that's the only person who deserves that level of intimacy with you. To do otherwise is to reduce something magical, emotionally impactful, and bonding as sex to a mere physical pastime. If that's all it's going to be, the men might as well get some lube and a porn video, and the women might as well just spend time with "Mr. Wiggly the Wonder Dildo", and both can be done with it.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/14/2009 12:14:58 PM
mermaid888 said:

I am not a gold-digger. I just don't like cheap men. They tend to complain about money all the time. On how much things cost and so forth. Not many people want to listen to that. I know I don't.

Let's savor the irony in this statement: "I am not a gold-digger. I just don't like cheap men." Why don't you like them? You indicate that "they tend" to complain about money, but you equate the usage of coupons with being "cheap". To me, it sounds like they're taking a perfect opportunity to save money, which is certainly not in infinite supply for anyone in the world, even the big-wigs like Bill Gates, Sam Walton, Warren Buffet, etc.

In fact, let's talk about those gentlemen, three of the richest men on the planet. Bill Gates was once asked "Wow, so your kids are going to have this massive inheritance and life of ease, eh?" His response was, "They're going to enjoy some of the benefits of my success, but when they're adults, they're going to go out and earn their keep the same as I did when I was younger, so no."

Sam Walton still drives a beat-up old Chevy truck to work every day, despite managing the most successful "big box" retail chain in the United States, Walmart.

Warren Buffet has said in interviews that the key to making a large sum of money is to never spend too extravagantly or assume that the supply of money will always be there. Despite his billions, he lives a very frugal lifestyle. He no doubt has some great luxuries that most of us can't afford, but he doesn't seem to be doing the sorts of things that resulted in people like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson and others of that ilk being bankrupt despite their successes.

So since you seem to assume that someone is only "cheap" if they're going to pay full price on something, that would then mean that Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Sam Walton are "cheap", right?

Tarnished_Knight said:

Let's face it ladies (of this particular ilk), you equate coupons as sort of the antithesis to that large rock you want on your finger before you say "I might." This discussion has turned the corner to where it is clear that to a certain sub-selection of the female population that the measure of a man is not how much fun you two can and do have together, rather it is only a measure of how much money or other resources are spent in a effort to woe you.

Well said, TK.

absofreakinlutely said:

And yes, men who use coupons on the first couple of dates are seen as cheap by both women and men. One of my male friends said he would have to hand in his man card if he ever used a coupon on a first date.

Have you ever wondered why they're seen as cheap "by both women and men"? That's kind of an absolutist, blanket statement. There are women on this very thread who have said they wouldn't be bothered, and I can say as a man I wouldn't care much one way or the other, if I were on a date where the lady was paying, if she used a coupon. Does that, then, make the ladies in this thread "not women", and does that make me "not a man"? One of your male friends has said something, so it must be true of everyone, right? Don't blindly accept something just because you've seen it uttered a few times; that's called a reductio ad populum argument in formal debate. It's what's known as a logical fallacy.

absofreakinlutely said:

I use coupons all the time and have had dates use them once we've gotten to know one another. I'm all for saving some money but when you are trying to impress a woman for the first time, you don't do it with a piece of paper tossed down with your Mastercard.

Let's again savor the irony here, shall we? You say you use coupons all the time, and have had dates use them once you've gotten to know them, but you're implying that one shouldn't use a coupon on the first date. What difference does it make? A date is a date is a date. Why is it all right that you can use coupons "all the time", but someone who wants to date you has to put a limiter on when they might use one? The only logical conclusion that can be drawn from such a perspective is that your assessment of their worthiness to date you is directly proportionate to how much money they'll spend on you. Madonna called, she wants her song back.

You say that if one is trying to impress a woman for the first time, they don't do it with a piece of paper tossed down with their credit card. What you apparently mean is if they want to impress you, they won't use a coupon when paying for something on the first date. Don't try to legitimize bad behavior by hiding behind the ad populum argument again. Those arguments are far too easy to poke holes in, which only weakens your own credibility in their presentation.

absofreakinlutely said:

now you won't wear a blue suit and tie everyday for work but you want the job so you put your best foot forward and wear it. The slouch shows up in a short sleeved dress shirt and khakis. Both resumes are identical. Who gets the job? The only who knows what he needs to do to look his best. The company knows he isn't going to be like this everyday nor do they expect it but dressing up in a suit is a sign of respect. Paying for your date sans coupon is a sign of respect and that you value the woman.

Ahhh, of course, the job analogy. Is the first date a job interview? Am I attempting to get you to pay me for services so I can live my life? That would make me a whore. Am I paying you for services? That would make you a... well, you get the idea. You say that paying for a date "sans coupon" is a "sign of respect and that the woman is valued". So her value can only be assessed in purely financial terms? That, again, makes her an escort at best (if she's providing her company in return for financial expenditure on her behalf), and a whore at worst (if she provides more than just her company in return for financial expenditure on her behalf). Do you see how such a perspective is problematic when all the social niceties are stripped away, and it's laid bare for all to see it as it is? If paying for the date is a sign that I respect and value the woman, then should it also matter how I pay? What about someone who takes a date to a restaurant where he knows the owner, and is given preferential seating and a free meal for two for the night? Is he then cheap? Is he showing that he doesn't value his date?

The question arises of which takes more precedence: the amount of fun the two people have together, and how well they "click" with each other, or how much actual (not discounted) money is spent on the date. If it's the former, proceed appropriately. If it's the latter, the materialistic (and, yes, gold-digging) element comes into play, whether you choose to accept that or not.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/14/2009 10:06:27 AM
debranator said:

I do see your point..and you do have one..
but,its funny that I found this thread..
I have been a professional couponer for a few years now...
yes,there are such things..I stopped recently..for a better paying sidline..
but, there are those of us that pay the bills by couponing..there are entire net sites that are focused on this..and other extreme deal making..
but...as a woman..I would NEVEr date one of these men..LOL!!
I can be cheap..he had better not be...
after a few dates..sure..I can wanle even the best resturants and broadway shows for peanuts..but,the deal making..would have to be my idea

Whether you realize it or not, you just communicated that you're a hypocrite. You don't mind using coupons at all for paying bills, seeking out websites that have coupons for just that purpose, and then you say "I can be cheap, he better not be". There's no double-standard here. You don't get to choose to use coupons and then have solid ground to stand on for telling a man that he couldn't likewise use coupons, even on a first (or second, or third) date with you.

On the other hand, at least in your own post you're honest about your rampant hypocrisy. Points for that, at least.

mermaid888 said:


There would be no second date with me.. I don't like cheap men.

So you a) equate the usage of coupons to be "cheap", and b) think how much money a man spends on the date is a factor in determining whether he gets a second date or not? At least you're being honest about your materialism. There's another word for it that starts with "g" and ends with "old-digger", but I'm not certain it would be necessary to go quite that far yet...

sabrosura said:


I will be very turned-off if a man I just met used a coupon. After we have established a friendship/relationship, I don't mind, but not in the beginning of the courting stage.

Why does the first date matter more than after you know him a bit as far as the spending of money goes? Are you, likewise, saying that how much money he spends on you on the first date is a deciding factor? What if he didn't spend any money, and you took a hike or a walk in the park? If you'd say "That would be fine", then you set yourself up as a hypocrite, if you say "No go", you risk communicating that money is even more important than I'm accusing you of saying to begin with. Quite the corner you've backed yourself into.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Haven't had a second date in 6 years...how to break the streak!
Posted: 10/13/2009 10:08:52 PM
zephyrmoon1 said:

Laugh at her jokes.

Sure, if they're funny. If not, why lie to her by laughing when you aren't amused?

Truth, OP, is your end all/be all. The onus lies on you to be the best you that you can be. Find your strengths, build on them, develop them, and don't give a rat's ass about those too myopic to see you for the inherent glory that you are. Earn the recognition of that glory by accepting it, shore up the weaknesses that are there (we all have them), and be such an elemental force that, for better or ill, no one can help but notice you when you walk into a room.

It doesn't mean be flashy, unless that's a natural part of who you are. It means that you should learn to be who you want to be, who you were born to be, regardless of others' input. Here's a secret: no one here can conceivably give you any advice on how to improve yourself, because we're all significantly more ignorant than you are when it comes to you. You're the best subject matter expert on "you" that's alive.

Never give others power over you by courting their opinions on how you can improve, because they're only going to be able to tell you how to be who they want you to be. If you let anyone determine who you are, you deserve the lack of confidence, with all its attendant consequences that will arise.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:58:46 PM
onlythis said:

Using a coupon on a date is tasteless and shows a lack of basic sophistication...

According to whom? Who set this benchmark? What objective criteria are being used to make this determination? What's your source material? I mean, if you're going to make an absolute blanket statement like this, you must have something irrefutable to back it up, right?

Or is it... you only have your opinion on the matter? Nothing wrong with that opinion, but you should probably present it as such.

Let's use some logic here:

Scenario A: Man takes woman to dinner at a "nice" restaurant with quality service, desirable ambiance, and high-quality food. Man pays for everything 100% out of his pocket. Woman considers the man to be a viable date, indicates she had a great time.

Scenario B; Man takes woman to dinner at a "nice" restaurant with quality service, desirable ambiance, and high-quality food. Man uses a coupon to defer the cost of some of the meal. Woman considers the man to be "cheap", gets offended that he used the coupon, thinks significantly less of him. He isn't likely to get another date with her.

What do these two scenarios share? They went to a "nice" restaurant with quality service, desirable ambiance and high-quality food. The man paid for everything.

What do these two scenarios not have in common? In Scenario A the man paid for everything with nothing but money in his pocket/bank account/credit card. In Scenario B the man paid for everything, but part of the cost was defrayed by a coupon.

So since everything else was equal, if the woman was offended by Scenario B, we can only logically conclude that she was offended by the method of payment, or by the fact that the payment wasn't at 100% full cost. It thus logically stands to reason, then, that she considers the amount of money spent on the date to be a determining factor on the quality of the date.

As an aside, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary's definition of "materialistic":

a preoccupation with or stress upon material rather than intellectual or spiritual things


Thus by this definition, she's being materialistic. Few people consider that a desirable perspective or personality trait.

So since we have no objective benchmark against which to compare, and thus determine an objective definition of "Tasteless" or "lack of basic sophistication", it thus stands to reason that the reliance on the amount spent, or the method by which it's spent, has no objective value on the quality of a date save to someone who elevates material considerations above all other things.

Which places those ladies who have posted here indicating they'd think less of a man for using a coupon in a very unenviable position that they can't quite wrangle out of without being forced to accept their willing participation in a materialistic worldview.

Which, of course, would be a great service to any of their potential suitors reading such a post: whether the guy(s) in question is financially well-off or not, he can at least tell ahead of time whether those ladies would, if interest were present, be more interested due to who he was, or due to how much he was willing to spend on them.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 37 (view)
 
So You Get A Note...
Posted: 10/4/2009 10:29:05 PM
luiza6 said:

It's all about appearance and a physical attraction first anyway, just like online dating so that shouldn't be an issue. I would say there would be a better chance at a relationship that way than contacting someone on POF...


You might not be far off base. My buddy has indicated she hasn't gotten back in touch with him, so it's probably a no-go at this point, but hey, he at least tried, right?

I have to say, the spiteful comments on this thread were amusing. Sometimes people reveal more about themselves and where they're at in the dating arena than they intended. Very informative.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
So You Get A Note...
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:00:09 PM
A buddy was telling me about something he did earlier this morning, and it's kind of stuck in my head ever since; on the whole commute to work, and through the first half of my work day. I couldn't imagine how someone might react to this, and I'm not even sure I could do something like this myself, but here's the scenario:

He takes transit to work, and there's this girl he's noticed; she gets off his bus as he's getting on it, so they have less than a few seconds of interaction. He's interested, but there's no chance to talk, so this morning he apparently gave her a note introducing himself, explaining why he was doing it through a note, expressing his interest, etc.

My question is this: what would be your reaction to something like this? Creepy? Cheesy? Middle-school infantile? Do you respond or just throw it away? I can't imagine men would have something like this happen to them, but then again, it takes all kinds. I'm really curious how something like this would be taken. I told my buddy I was putting this up here, and he's (in the midst of waiting to hear back from her, apparently) curious to hear what others would think about this too.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Why do I usually attract men that I'm not attracted to? Annoying!
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:53:23 PM
1UniquePerson said:

This annoys me so much! I usually get hit on by guys that I'm either not really attracted to, or just not my type. Not that I'm really looking for a boyfriend or anything but it would be nice to find a guy that approaches me that I like for once. I'm not superficial at all. I could care less about getting the hottest guy. It would just be nice to attract a man that I find attractive,appealing and we both vibe.

It's flattering to get hit on but it makes me feel like I'm going to be single forever. I normally attract geeky men, nothing wrong with these type of men but they're just not my type. What do I have to do to get attention from a guy I like? Why do I seem to attract men that I personally feel that are not on my level?

I think I'm an attractive girl so what is it?


The last sentence is indicative of your overall problem. Any person thinks they're attractive is looking inward in all the wrong ways. It's good to know one's strengths, and not be shy about them. I'm intelligent, I'm well-spoken, well-read, I write like a professional, I take a stand on issues because they're heartfelt and not because they're a popular (or unpopular) position at the moment, and I could go on and on. I'm also impatient, have a weakness for foods that are bad for me, on the antisocial side, and occasionally careless. It's also good to have a knowledge of one's weaknesses, so they know what they need to work on.

But if I were to say "I'm attractive", that's something else entirely. That's arrogance, self-centeredness, shallowness, and borderline narcissism. This is what you've displayed by writing it. You say you aren't "superficial at all", but follow it up with I normally attract geeky men" and "Why do I seem to attract men that I personally feel are not on my level?".

Get over yourself, you vapid, shallow, wannabe princess. It's interesting to note that you didn't put an iota of information in your profile that someone could realistically use to seek you out (weren't you saying you wanted someone you "vibed" with? How will they know if they can't find out a single thing about you? Your profile sells here, toots).

Of double interest is the double standard going on here: if a guy posts a thread like this, he gets nothing but attacked, both from the women who want to elevate their personal egos, and from the men who are hoping that by agreeing with said women, they'll improve their own chances on the site.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Why do I usually attract men that I'm not attracted to? Annoying!
Posted: 9/27/2009 3:57:52 PM
AmeliaMD said:

I don't think that women should have to "grow balls" and start hunting, because we're women, we don't have BALLS.

Trust me, as a heterosexual man with zero interest in his own gender or its dangly parts, I'll speak for others in my situation and say we're very glad of this.

AmeliaMD said:

Honeslty, I do think it's best that men approach women, and not because I'm some old fashioned grandma (I'm only closing in on 25), but because in my experience, if the man does the approaching and the initial courting within a relationship, it usually works out better.

Have you tried recently to see things from the perspective of the modern American male who's attempting to date? There are all sorts, of course, but I'm talking about the ones who aren't looking for a booty call, the ones who aren't emotionally damaged/stunted and looking for an immediate relationship to fill a "hole" in themselves, but the ones who are emotionally mature, moderately intelligent, and understand that a relationship is something that's built, not found? From these mens' perspective, while they can deal with some rejection, when rejection becomes the norm and not the exception, you have to honestly wonder whether they're going to continue to find the pursuit of a woman a worthwhile endeavor. Women in such arrangements get to sit there and maintain all power and authority in whether someone showing interest gets the interest returned. They get the power to potentially damage the man's confidence by the method of their rejection, and they in essence leave him in s a situation where every time, he's the one who's putting himself out there. She puts herself "out there" if she agrees to a date, because she risks emotional vulnerability at that point, but prior to that, it's all on the men. With the constant rude rejections men have to deal with (and the asinine justifications for the rude behavior if the man has enough balls to call such a woman on her bullshit), is it any wonder many men are now gunshy about initiating things? Their personal experience has shown them that statistically, such an approach is an invitation to pain more often than not. Are those few occasions when it doesn't result in pain worth the times that it does?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Next Craigslist ? ? ?
Posted: 9/27/2009 2:54:17 PM
A lot of people seem to have similar experiences to you, Krull. On the one hand, I'm positive that there are people on this site who are meeting the person of their dreams, and they're not on the site long for the obvious reason. On the other hand, there are people who have been here for years for a variety of reasons. On the one hand you've got the people who have been here for years because they aren't looking for anyone, they just like using the forums (and sometimes setting themselves up as "experts" on dating, which they may or may not be), on the other hand you've got people who are here but never message someone, and then wonder why they aren't getting contact, and finally you've got the people who are messaging others, but they aren't getting responses for whatever reason. The people in the final category are unfortunate, and more often than not, at least to my observations, they're the victims of unreasonably elevated expectations on the part of those they're messaging. It seems particularly endemic to ladies; they have nothing but options on a site like this, they're constantly being messaged, and they have their pick of the litter, so they feel justified in being more picky. They also feel justified in behaving rudely by not politely acknowledging e-mails sent to them, and just deleting them, arguing that they receive too many to respond to, or that they receive too many angry responses back (hello! Use the block function after you're polite to someone! Preemptively avoids the drama bombs!). The statistics on the site reveal something otherwise, however; even in a situation of someone consistently receiving 30 e-mails in a day (which as far as I can tell few do), and 20 of those being from people they aren't remotely interested in, and they type 15 words a minute, it would take 13 minutes to type out "Thanks for writing, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck!"), it just doesn't take that much time to be polite.

It would lead one to almost conclude that the majority of people using the site aren't actually interested in dating, but are more interested in just having their egos fed.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Girlfriend going on holiday with her male friend?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:51:38 PM
The response to this from you, OP, should be "Oh HELL no!" Even if her intentions are at their absolute best, you have no guarantee that his are, and lots of things happen on vacations that aren't planned. Ever hear the phrase "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? This applies to vacations too.

If you and this woman aren't exclusive, then you've got no claim on her, and she can do what she likes with who she likes. If you've mutually agreed to be exclusive, she's showing very obvious disrespect for you, and it needs to be brought to her attention, followed quickly by "I don't want you doing this."
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
what does a break mean?
Posted: 9/22/2009 12:19:23 PM
Most of the time, "break" means "we're broken up, but I want to keep you as an option in case I can't find anything I like more". I wouldn't recommend staying with anyone who'd use this language, as you should have more awareness of your worth than that. To me, someone either considers you a viable enough prospect to stick around through the tough parts and work through them, or you aren't viable, and if they want to keep their options open, you should remove yourself as one of those options.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
What hints do you give away as women that you are interested in a guy?
Posted: 9/14/2009 12:27:20 PM
tina7578 said:

Well, we've learned from the best ... men.


It's worth considering that he may have a point, once you get past the angry rhetoric that his post points towards. Lots of men have had to be left guessing a woman's intentions when she was thinking she had been perfectly clear by not returning a call, or by being mildly evasive in his attempts to nail down a date for an outing, or even responding to an initial e-mail on a personals website with "Thanks for writing!". While the response is appreciated, it's still best to say unequivocally what's going on; men aren't stupid, but we communicate very differently than women. Women communicate via a combination of spoken word, body language and intuition, and men most often communicate via spoken word and body language. This results in a lot of misunderstanding between the two.

Just learn to be direct. Say what you mean. Don't sugarcoat it. If he gets upset, then he's just confirmed that you made the right choice to begin with, and in the context of a dating website, you just block him from further contact.

This isn't about "Men do it too!", which is almost always a horrible response, because it accomplishes nothing but a lame attempt at deflection. We aren't questioning there are men who do silly things, but in the end, this discussion is about women, so it's best to stay on topic and address the womens' behavior. If you want to discuss the corollary with men, the Ask A Guy forum is available for that.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
What hints do you give away as women that you are interested in a guy?
Posted: 9/14/2009 12:26:42 PM
tina7578 said:

Well, we've learned from the best ... men.


It's worth considering that he may have a point, once you get past the angry rhetoric that his post points towards. Lots of men have had to be left guessing a woman's intentions when she was thinking she had been perfectly clear by not returning a call, or by being mildly evasive in his attempts to nail down a date for an outing, or even responding to an initial e-mail on a personals website with "Thanks for writing!". While the response is appreciated, it's still best to say unequivocally what's going on; men aren't stupid, but we communicate very differently than women. Women communicate via a combination of spoken word, body language and intuition, and men most often communicate via spoken word and body language. This results in a lot of misunderstanding between the two.

Just learn to be direct. Say what you mean. Don't sugarcoat it. If he gets upset, then he's just confirmed that you made the right choice to begin with, and in the context of a dating website, you just block him from further contact.

This isn't about "Men do it too!", which is almost always a horrible response, because it accomplishes nothing but a lame attempt at deflection. We aren't questioning there are men who do silly things, but in the end, this discussion is about women, so it's best to stay on topic and address the womens' behavior. If you want to discuss the corollary with men, the Ask A Guy forum is available for that.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
ok questions about post date behavior.
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:12:06 PM
BlkHarvard said:

She is a bit manic but so am im. Our personalities click like that. So maybe she just live in the moment even more than I do. Who knows.

One damaged car goes up to the other damaged car and says "Hey! You're missing your engine, and I happen to have one! Looks like I can slide right on in there!" Problem being? One engine, two cars, nothing goes, and then two cars are stuck not going anywhere instead of just one.

Point being? If you're clicking because you're both "manic", that isn't necessarily a good thing. You think that maybe she just "lives in the moment" (as though that meant something), but the interesting thing about "living in the moment" is you too often lose sight of what happens after that moment, and you spend all your time scrambling to stay afloat in the storm instead of building a boat to weather it. It's good to be spontaneous and ready for life's challenges. It isn't so good to be in such a perpetual state that you can't make headway 'cause you're either doing nothing but reacting, or just ignoring it all in the hopes that what doesn't work will slink away.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
dating a drama queen???
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:08:33 PM
Get the frackin' hell away from this woman as fast as your legs (or even better, a vehicle, or even better than that, a supersonic flight jet! Have they discovered faster-than-light travel yet? Use it...) can carry you. She's a drama bomb that goes off without even realizing it, and you're the poor shmuck who's letting her see you'll listen.

Don't listen to people like her, because they will attach to you like a little black slug from the swamp, and suck you dry. That's your blood, leaving your body, going into hers, and she won't be satiated for more than a moment. When you try to pull the leech off, it'll make a pitiful little squealing noise that makes you feel like a monster for trying to defend yourself from it.

Get away from her.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
ok questions about post date behavior.
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:05:03 PM
Ever wonder how she got the kid? If she'll act like this with you, who's to say she hasn't acted like this with someone else before?

Run far, far away. She doesn't, from what you've told us, seem to be displaying the least bit of discretion or sensibility. On top of that, she's a single mother, which a majority of the time is just bad, bad mojo from beginning to end. See if she's the exception, but trust me, don't look for too long, and don't put on rose-colored glasses while you're looking. If there's a kid, you will always come #2. That should be 100% unacceptable to any rational, thinking person.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
to date or not to date...a virgin?
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:00:45 PM
Here's what it boils down to: if you like being with him, he likes being with you, you've got a solid connection, why let one thing get in the way? Sex is important, sex is great, sex is mind-blowing, we've all heard it all before. Is it the be-all/end-all of things? Up to each individual to decide, but it sounds like all the other ducks are lining up, so if you find this one little black duckling here (his virginity), are you gonna forget about the rest of the flock?

If he isn't worried that you're more experienced than he is, why should you be? If he is willing to put in the effort to fall for you and work on a meaningful relationship, why aren't you? It's one or the other here: you either like him, respect him and really enjoy the time you spend together, or you don't. There's no middle ground, there's nothing to be confused about.

Consider, as well, this to be a great opportunity to bond with him in a fashion that he'll have never experienced before, thus leading to a greater degree of devotion on his part to you. Maybe this once, instead of "taking the car for a test drive" before deciding if you want to buy it, you accept that you've got a new, off-the-assembly-line model, maybe with a couple miles on it while it got from the truck to the showroom floor, but otherwise pristine. The quality at that point isn't in question. So what are you worried about?

If you find, however, that you just can't wait, that you're willing to overlook all the positive things you've said are great about this guy, and all the things you admire and potentially love about him, just because you think you "need" sex (news flash: it isn't a need), consider whether you're thinking with your head and doing the analysis of pros and cons you mentioned, or whether you're merely letting your vagina lead you around until it finds its own satisfaction, leaving your mind and heart to figure out how to make the rest work.

So what is it: are you a rational, higher-thinking being, or are you just an animal who can't get past base urges to work at something meaningful and worthwhile?

One or the other. You're the only one who can decide which one.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
logic and lust from a man's perspective please
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:03:03 PM
In terms of pure science, males' rational thought processes are occluded when testosterone is surging through our system, which it starts to do when we see a woman we're attracted to.

I'm one of those "logical" people, to the point that I believe emotions can be controlled by logic; my only empirical evidence is myself, but I rest comfortably in the knowledge that while emotions factor into my decisionmaking, they are ultimately curtailed by logic: if it feels good but I know it to be harmful, I won't keep doing it just because it feels good. This, to me, is a proper method of analysis and interaction, and its alternative is unacceptable.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
first meeting etiquette
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:03:11 AM
thegirlintheforum said:

I sent it at POF sending box ..it showed (he) read @1207am--on 6/9/09.

I want a confirmation--a want a reply thats all.


Just as a curious aside, when a guy comes to the forums indicating he wants this very thing in regards to a lady he's e-mailed here, he gets villified.

Inconsistency for the loss?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Friendly, Then Ignored, Then Friendly?
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:59:56 AM
So I've thought long and hard about this, and I just can't seem to come up with a logical rationale for it, so I thought I'd put this question forth to the ladies; maybe this is something my male mind just can't figure out on its own.

So there's a woman that I'm friendly with; she's married, I'm not trying to date her. We work for the same company (though in different departments). We wind up taking the same bus to work each day. On some days, she's really, really friendly, talkative, etc., and on other days she will literally completely ignore me: she won't meet my gaze (and in fact seems to actively be trying to avoid it), she'll get off on a different stop so we don't walk to the building at the same time, etc. Then a couple days later, she'll be back to being friendly, initiating conversation, etc.

I normally would have chalked this up to her having a bad day (we all have them), but this flip-flopping behavior has been established as a pattern over the last month or so. My body language isn't communicating anything inappropriate, I'm not remotely trying to indicate that I have a romantic interest in her (I honestly don't! If they're married, they're off limits to me as anything other than a casual acquaintance, or a friend if I'm also friends with their husband), so I can't use those as rationales for her behavior.

Is there some particular reason you ladies can think of that this woman would be acting like this? Or have I actually found someone who, hyperbole aside, might be legitimately insane?
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Experiences with cuddle guys
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:21:50 PM
I don't put "cuddle" stuff in my profile; while I love cuddling with someone I'm dating, that just isn't a presentation I feel is accurate to the general public, at least not for me.

It's possible the guy(s) you're talking about are legitimately cuddlebugs, so to speak, and while I may question the depth of their masculinity and ability to stand on their own, they are what they are.

Other guys are going to put it in their profile in the hopes of having something there that women will automatically relate to: browse a few ladies' profiles on this site, and you're going to see an abundance of the word "cuddle" or some derivative being used. These guys are trying to be preemptive; guys have a lot working against them on sites like this, so they're doing what they can to improve their odds.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Borrowing money after 3 weeks
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:29:16 PM
OP:

Dude, you should probably edit your post very quickly to remove the username you put in it. That's a violation of the Plenty of Fish terms of service. It's a bannable offense.

As for the money issue... you probably shouldn't be loaning money to someone unless you're in a committed relationship with them. 3 weeks for most sensible people doesn't amount to that level of commitment. I don't know all the details, and we've only heard one side of the story (yours), but based on what you've presented here, it sounds like you got played, and played bad. Cut your losses and learn from the experience.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 115 (view)
 
Is it odd to be 19 and never of had a boyfriend?
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:26:40 PM
heyfrog said:

I am 19. I have never had a bf, and only one date when I was 16 that was a set up. I just feel so odd and alone.


Sweetie, trust me on this, when you're ready for a meaningful relationship, you'll find one. I understand the urge to be a part of a crowd when you're 19, because it's from the group that so many your age often get a sense of identity, or at least a sense of safety while they're working out who they are as individuals. But I wouldn't worry so much about not having had a boyfriend. You're 19 years old (or were at the time of the posting). Now's a great time to figure out who you are as an individual; once you know that, know where you're strong, know where you're weak (so you can work on eliminating those weaknesses), you're going to have a lot to offer a guy, and you'll be a leg up on your friends who are still out partying, getting wasted for no good reason other than that they think "it's what I should do at this age", and then possibly regretting decisions that may wind them up either in a delivery room or an abortion clinic.

Stay strong, be an individual, figure out what you have to offer, then capitalize on it. Don't worry too much about being "odd" or "alone". The former is a good thing (because who likes someone who's just like everyone else?), the latter is correctable in a meaningful and lasting fashion with some patience and common sense applied.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:49:59 PM
21 guys at 19... This is a strong indication of a woman who a) doesn't have the remotest notion of what "discretion" means, and b) is likely, in a statistically meaningful manner, to be gestating enough diseases that something scientists haven't discovered yet has likely cobbled together in her body, and is preparing its coming out party.

Head in the other direction.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 59 (view)
 
now I have herpes
Posted: 9/2/2009 6:14:49 PM
Helen0426 said:

Silentman, you've made it abundantly clear that you do not know that you can contract herpes while wearing a condom when your partner has no symptoms and quite possibly has no idea that she is carrying it. Or that a woman can contract herpes while her partner is wearing a condom, has no symptoms, and quite possibly has no idea that he is carrying it.


If by "abundantly clear" you mean "you never said anything resembling those words", then yes, I made it "abundantly clear". However, I'm going to make what I feel is a reasonably safe assumption that this isn't how you define "abundantly clear". Would you like to keep making a fool of yourself by refering to broad inferences and your own edited-in commentary that you amusingly attribute to me, or would you like to deal with what I actually said?

Helen0426 said:

So yeah, I do have some idea what you do and don't know. You've told us.

Refer to my above reference. What I've "told you" is exactly what I've written. If you want to know more, ask. Or are you more interested in attempting to shore up your largely-unsuccessful attempts at belittling me, all the while avoiding the issues I've brought up, and attacking the person instead of the position? Strike two.

Helen0426 said:

And you obviously haven't looked up the several sources cited in this topic - including, yes, the CDC. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking for quotes from the CDC. That's already been provided herein.


Believe it or not (and it would seem comprehension may be challenging for you based on your posts so far), I've read the sources. In fact, just to double-check, I just re-read the quoted CDC entry. In reference to my request for CDC statistics, that referenced Forumfilly's statement of, and I quote:


She contracted the disease from a boyfriend with whom she was in a monogamous relationship. She wasn't being careless. He either didn't know he had herpes, or he didn't tell her. This is how the majority of people get the disease.


So let's see... "This is how the majority of people get the disease." The CDC entry doesn't seem to reference people getting, in a majority of cases, the disease from people who didn't know they had herpes, or didn't communicate it to their partner(s). It only indicates that the disease is communicated from a partner who's infected, who may not know they're infected. You're drawing a pretty specious bridge of logic (or an attempt at it, at least) between two seemingly tangential parallels. It's certainly not enough to a) build a reliable defense platform on or b) use such construction to illustrate another's erroneous perspective. Care to try again, and this time use some, y'know, actual logic?

Helen0426 said:

I am making one assumption - that you are not a virgin who intends to remain abstinent for the rest of your life. Usually when that's the case, people say so.

Are you making an assumption? Wouldn't it be easier to ask so you at least have solid facts? So far, the assumptions you've made have been authoritatively proven wrong. How authoritatively? By the highest authority conceivable: the person you're making the assumptions about.

"Usually when that's the case, people say so." Really? Where do you get your "usually"? If you're going to make qualitative statements, it helps to have hard facts to back them up. If, however, you're just presenting your opinion on the matter, that's something else entirely. This said, if it's acknowledged as mere opinion, it has no place as anything other than a publicly-acknowledged editorialization, which again has little place in an attempt to authoritatively show error in an opponent's position.

Strike three. You may, again, take your seat.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
As a guy, would this make you feel insecure?
Posted: 9/2/2009 12:25:38 PM
Insecure? No. Irritated that she can't make up her mind and wants to try to justify a decision by saying "it was hormones!"? Yes.

If you did something because you had too much to drink, the fault is yours, and you need to deal with the consequences. You cannot justify behavior you later regret by saying "I was drunk, and my hormones got out of control." We are beings of intent and reason; we aren't animals who are subject to the whims of predatory "instincts". Either accept that you want to have sex again and proceed to do so, or decide that you don't, let him know, and let him move on.

In short, this wasn't a "mistake". You made the choice to have sex, whether your judgment was impaired by alcohol or not. You don't get to mitigate it so you can try not to feel as bad if you're now regretting that choice.

Take some friggin' responsibility. Welcome to the adult world.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How Many Times Do You Say GOOD BYE?
Posted: 9/1/2009 11:40:47 PM
clockstruck12 said:

Why is it we seem to stay with someone we know isn't right for us? Or is it just me? I have been seeing a man from POF for about 6mths. We have broke up about 3 times during this 6 mth period. I enjoy his company and think that I (quite frankly) confuse our intimate interaction for love. I am very loyal and think when one becomes intimately involved it should be that way. He says he likes me very much and loves the time we spend together BUT he wants to keep what we have and "keep looking". WHAT IS WRONG with me! If this was a friend of mine I would tell her to get out now! But I just keep going back to him... Does ANYONE know WHY?


Because it seems you lack respect for yourself, and are afraid to be alone. You want something he doesn't, you perform activities that mean deep connection to you but not to him, and you cheapen yourself in the process. He'll stay around because he gets everything he wants (your body) without having to give what he doesn't want (exclusivity).

The answer is obvious. You're the only one who can change what's wrong. Stop being weak.
 silentman73
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Exchanging phone numbers
Posted: 9/1/2009 11:37:44 PM
A couple of introductory e-mails to get an initial sense of things is good; past that, it's time to move to phone conversations, or a short initial meeting in a public place. There are far too many "false positives" when it comes to text-based interactions. You're likely to find more than one person who's noted that they seemingly got along stellarly with someone via e-mail only to find that the elusive connecting element just wasn't there in person. Better to find out sooner rather than later.
 
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