What are your favourite sayings? chat & forums.

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mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 76 (view)

What are your favourite sayings? Posted: 11/6/2009 8:07:53 PM
there are only 10 kinds of people in the world .. those that read binary and those that don't my credit is so bad, the bank won't accept my cash if I was doing any better, the bank would be making payments to me often while observing younger students at college there will be several of them all looking at the same car, and none of them having a clue what's wrong with it or how to fix it .... I look at them and point and say to someone outside the group ... 10 monkeys .. one banana .. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself... to the college students I often give practical advice .. like Chase fat girls ,they run slower ...or Fu*k ugly women they try harder ... yea I'll prolly get some grief for these but oh well heheh

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Chuck Norris Posted: 11/2/2009 7:13:57 PM
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar together .. the bar exploded .. no building can handle that much awesome. Chuck Norris can divide by zero Superman and The Flash raced to the end of the universe .. Chuck Norris won If The Hulk and Superman arm wrestled .. Chuck Norris would win When Chuck Norris was born the doctor held him up and smacked him on the ass, within a second the doctor was seen leaving orbit, baby Chuck had roundhouse kicked the doctor and then proceeded to impregnate 2 of the nurses befor having his first taste of breastmilk ... Chuck Norris lost his virginity befor his father did Chuck Norris visited The Virgin Islands .. now they are just the islands.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

The new girlfriend Posted: 10/24/2009 10:05:58 AM
spookey!! but funny ...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Ranch Hands Posted: 10/3/2009 6:59:01 PM
sounds about right heheheh

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

How and when should you say thanks but no thanks? Posted: 10/2/2009 10:42:12 AM
be polite ... be blunt ... be honest .... men are simple creatures by nature, we want food, sex, and sleep ... and not always in that order. Im kidding about the last part ... polite, honest, and blunt works really well for me.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Ways to win back your ex... Posted: 10/2/2009 10:15:39 AM
hey now .. don't tell all of our stalker secrets .... nope I know nothing about your missing kitten, but you are welcome to look in the back of my black windowless van.. here let me get that door for you, sometimes it sticks and ya have to throw a mean shoulder into it to get it to open...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Good News and Bad News Posted: 10/2/2009 10:09:54 AM
good news ... there is baseball in heaven bad news ....your our lead off man tomorrow... good news.... you have 10 left ... 10 what?? bad news .....7 , 6 , 5 , 4 ... good news ... your mechanic just bought a new 6 bedroom 4 bath 3 story house ... bad news ... trying to fix your POS car payed for most of it good news ... your wife is completely sexually satisfied bad news ... you've slept on the couch for weeks...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

The Wifes Cat Posted: 9/30/2009 8:35:25 AM
Dude! .. that's awesome .. I love it.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Carmen Posted: 9/30/2009 8:32:10 AM
I heard it "Yea I'm Beerfukc" but I like yours better hahahahhah

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED Posted: 9/29/2009 7:30:21 PM
Ok I read it .. now I need a female volunteer to check my notes ... see if I learned anything ...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Police Posted: 9/29/2009 7:23:30 PM
I love this story but hate that its true ...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Alcohol warnings: Posted: 9/29/2009 12:06:46 PM
never drink when your racing ... holding a beer may cause you to miss a shift.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Tarzans Accident Posted: 9/22/2009 11:26:40 AM
saw it coming and still laughed hheheeh good one.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Spring Classes for Women Posted: 9/22/2009 6:08:49 AM
Am I even allowed to laugh at this .... HELLZ YEA!!!

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Best worst pick-up lines Posted: 9/12/2009 6:24:03 PM
you're so hot I'd let you ride in my car without taking your shoes off first..... does half a snickers bar and a porno count as dinner and a movie ??? hey baby, can you put your feet behind your head ?? .. no? .. how about behind MY head ??? more to come....

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

lotto winning and the wife Posted: 9/12/2009 6:20:54 PM
now that's funny .. I don't care who ya are right there now heheheh

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions Posted: 9/2/2009 10:33:33 AM
My exwife and I were sound asleep and the phone began to ring ... after I woke up enough to count, the phone rang 8 more times (we didn't have an answering machine). I waited for her to wake up and answer because it was NEVER for me, but she slept through it. Finally after the 8th ring after I woke up I picked up the phone and said "someone better be dead" .. I will NEVER say that again because my oldest step daughter (both of which I still like very much) said "he is" ... a friend of hers had just had a car wreck and gotten killed ..... I suck.....

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Cash For Clunkers Posted: 9/2/2009 8:46:09 AM
Whattacatch has the car I'm lookin' for .. wish I could afford a classic like that... would ya allow some creative financing??? Maybe take a suped up 4x4 on partial trade???

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Movie titles.... between her legs Posted: 8/31/2009 8:40:49 AM
Moby D1ck .. between herlegs. Fast and furious .. between her legs. Sinbad and the Seven Sailers .. between her legs. 101 dalmations .. between her legs.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

No Road Rage For Me Posted: 8/28/2009 10:31:23 AM
hahahah .. you know my exwife don't you???

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Amish farmer Posted: 8/26/2009 10:00:44 AM
I love it!!! messages this short may not be posted BAH!!!

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

How to Paint a Camo Truck Posted: 8/25/2009 8:11:17 AM
Red scratch pads "brillo pad" without chemicals .. dont use S.O.S. type pad. Just the red or green scratch pad and some water will rough it nicely for a rattle can job. Use a very light coverage style so the paint will take 3 or 4 coats to cover the old color. You can free from the camo spots or use newspaper and masking tape to get clean lines. Dont paint any light coverings red or blue that can get you in trouble. Have a blast. Also a jar of vaseline smeared onto your bumpers and tires will keep the over spray from sticking.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

does he even care? Posted: 8/25/2009 8:03:46 AM
all I can say here is WTF!

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

christmas joke Posted: 8/25/2009 7:52:58 AM
Just in case you ever wondered why there's an angle on top of the Christmas tree. It was a really bad Christmas, the elves were on strike and santa had to outsource which was costing a fortune. Mrs. Clause was mad at old saint Nick and he was sleeping alone and cooking his own meals. The raindeer were all made at Rudolph and he was ****ing at Santa about it as well. Pretty much everything that could go wrong with Christmas was going wrong. Just as Santa is debating going postal on everyone around him .. the angel walked in carrying the Christmas tree ... the angle said "Santa were would you like me to put the tree this year"?? ... that's why we have an angel on top of the tree. For the slow crowd his answer was "shove it up your ass" ...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

frog joke Posted: 8/25/2009 7:46:34 AM
I read the frog joke about the woman having frog legs for dinner and thought I'd share this one with ya. If its a repost my appologies, I haven't been lurking as much lately with school back in session and stuff. There was this guy in his late 40's who had a good job, made good money, and loved to play golf every chance he got. He was on his favorite hometown golf course one day and made a bad slice right towards the water hole. As the man was looking for his ball near the edge of the water he saw this frog. The frog looked at the man and said "kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princess.. gribbit". The man was amazed at this and looked at the frog and said "say that again" .. the frog repeated herself .. "kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princess". The man picked the frog up and put her in his shirt pocket thinking to check on the kiss thing later. The man continued looking for his lost ball, the frog said "ball over near rock" .. the man looked near the rock and sure enough, there it was. The man got to his ball and pulled out his 9 iron to take his swing. The frog said "no .. pitching wedge here". The man descided to try to frog's idea and pitched the ball to within inches of the hole. Thus began the best golf game of the man's life, the frog would tell him what club to use and would advise him on how the greens slopped and everything, it was awesome. So the man kept the frog as a good luck charm. A few weeks went by and the man took a buisiness trip to Vegas. The frog sat in his pocket and picked number after number at the crap tables, and called hit/stand correctly for a huge run at blackjack. The whole time the man had the frog every now and then the frog would say "kiss me, I'll become a beautiful princess". Well this man's run at the crap tables yeilded several thousand dollars, and the man took all his winnings in cash. He took his big pile of cash up to his suite and threw it in a pile on his bed. The frog and the man played in the pile of money and had a blast. The man descided it was time to try kissing the frog.. so he picked her up and kissed her. POOF!!! befor him stood, naked, the most beautiful 16 year old girl the man had ever seen ... AND THAT'S WHEN THE COPS BUSTED IN YOUR HONOR .. I SWEAR!!!

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

PERIOD APPROACHES Posted: 8/8/2009 10:33:10 AM
you have to much time on your hands dude.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION.... Posted: 8/7/2009 1:07:55 PM
yea .. and the stuck up b!tch probably still got half of everything heheheh

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 487 (view)

The Kinky Test Posted: 8/7/2009 8:57:08 AM
780 .. do I get a nooky cookie???

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

wife's picture !!!! Posted: 8/6/2009 6:56:54 PM
yea and on the way home from work I stop at the bar .. everytime I finish a beer I look at your picture .. when you look good enough I come home.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

3 farmers daughters Posted: 8/5/2009 3:27:42 PM
I like it .. will be adding to my list .. thanks!!!

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Applications now being accepted for the Next Survivor Series Posted: 8/5/2009 3:26:12 PM
wait a sec, if he wins, does he get to: 1. get mad without explanation at any time of his random choosing. 2. say things like, can't we just cuddle even when he's just as ready as his spouse for sex but he wants to judge her reaction. 3. get to completely unload on anyone and everyone for 4 days a month "just because thats the way my body works" 4. does he get to wear sexy, revealing clothes and then snap like a bear trap at any woman who looks twice... 5. leave the car on empty even though both spouses use the same gas card account 6. spend hours and hours teaching the kids to play every sport on the planet, make the kid so good at football he gets a scholership and when he makes a touchdown he looks at the camera and says "hi mom" even though she didn't ever want him to play sports because he might get hurt .. wait that already happens. 7. go to a fancy restaraunt and order anything he wants, eat half of it, and expect her to pay even though he never expects to put out more than a good night kiss. 8. Oh then theres the 90 hour weeks over the road in a truck only to come home and find everything sold off even his friggin motorcycle that she wouldn't even ride on. 9. does he also get to ask questions and get mad at the answer either way she answers. Sorry but I think its more 50/50 than you see it hun. I know this post was probably meant as humor .. but I missed it ...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

REDNECK COMEDY CLUB Posted: 8/5/2009 1:05:14 PM
Three good friends go golfing together one saturday. They get out to the first T and theres a single player up to T they introduce themselves and descide to play as a foursome (golfers will understand, this saves time). The 4 of them have great conversation as they play through the front 9 talking about cars, hunting, fishing, and then they begin to talk about their carreers. The three already know each other but they tell their new friend some info and ask him about his carreer. He is very shy to answer but finally they agree to keep it secret. The new guy informs them that he is a hitman. They are all impressed and begin to ask about his choice of weapons and how much does he charge. He informs them that he has several guns and just tries to use the right gun for the job. He also tells them that he charges $1000 per bullet. The 3 friends are fascinated and end up following the hitman back to his car to see his gun collection. He pulls out a very expensive looking sniper rifle with a huge scope and hands it to one of the guys. The guy says "I think I can see my house from here" and looking through the scope quickly finds his house, he sees his mechainc's truck in the driveway and begins scanning windows. He sees his wife pulling his friend up the stairs of thier house and they are both partially undressed. He looks at his new friend and asks if he would care to earn some cash. The hitman takes the gun finds the house and says "where do you want me to hit them"?? The guy thinks for a minute and says "well a good mechanic is really hard to find so I don't want him killed how about you just blow his pecker off, and as for my wife well I hate to kill her but I can't have her blowing guys when I'm not home ... and she's kind of a nagging b!tch .. just shoot her in the mouthso I don't have to listen to her anymore." They wait a few minutes .. finally one the guys asks "dude whats the delay?" .. one sec dude I'm gonna save ya a thousand bucks here.....

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

What is marriage Posted: 8/5/2009 12:47:41 PM
Actually if you think about it divorce is a luxury that former generations couldnt afford like current ones can. My grandparents divorced after 39 years of marriage, but they had been sleeping in seprate rooms for many years befor that. They got divorced when they could afford it. My ex and I were very happy when we had to work together to make ends meet, as soon as she made enough money to get along without me .. she no longer needed me. Just my 2 pennies for consideration. On a parting note I will share with you once again the bumper sticker on my truck... Once upon a time a boy proposed to a girl, the girl said "no" so the boy lived happily ever after. I think there should be a new age marriage option ... I keep my stuff .. she keeps her stuff .. we just live together while the chemistry and sex are good. Another one that a woman I met (maybe on POF but not sure) who lives several states away. She suggested a duplex marriage .. he lives one side she lives on the other side. They are mutually monogamous but each has a door .. with a lock...he can keep beer in his fridge and she can keep yogurt and salad in hers ......

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 8/3/2009 9:22:11 PM
Some friends and I were out driving around in one my buddy's cars when we were kids. We got kinda lost and stopped at this country gas station to ask directions. The guy driving stuttered really bad so he ask ask ask askt asked us to g g g g g g et the d d dir dir directions p p p pulease. So as we were debating who would go inside to ask where we were this huge blonde guy probably 6'6" 300 pounds of muscle and a really mean look on his face comes out to see what we are doing. He leans into the car window and looks at the guy driving (the one who stutters) and says "c c c c c c an I I I I h h h h help yy yy y you bb b boys"? .. we all sat quietly looking at Billy to see what he would say. ... ok not a true blonde joke but I like it. Know why there are so many blonde jokes?? .. 'cause brunettes and redheads are home alone with time to make them up. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?? .. just one to flash some stupid dude walking by and get him to do it for a fake phone number. What do you call a redhead and 4 blondes standing on a corner?? Regular price , 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks. .... yea its an old reference but I still like it. A blonde gets onto a jet liner and even though she has a coach ticket she sits in first class. The man who actually payed for the first class seat points to his ticket and says "sweety you're in my seat" she replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California to be an actress" The man grabs a flight attendant and relays his problem to her. The flight attendant asks the woman to move back to her coach seat. Her reply is "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California to be an actress" The flight attendant goes and gets the co-pilot, she relays the information to the c0-pilot on the way. When they get to the blonde woman the co-pilot asks her one more time to return to her coach seat. The Blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California to be an actress" The co-pilot bends down and whispers somethig into her ear.. the blonde immediately blushes a very deep shade of red and jumps up and almost runs back to her coach seat. The flight attendant and the man are both very impressed with this and ask how he did it.."what did you say to her"?? "Simple" he replied " I told her first class was going to New Jersey. Blonde, brunette, and redhead .. this one is bad I suggest if you're squeemish don't continue reading... blonde brunette and redhead sitting at a bar argueing about who has the biggest pudder.. the redhead says "well I can get my whole hand up in there without any pain" The brunetter says "my b/f is huge and has huge hands and he can get his hand all the way inside of me without hurting me." The blonde giggles and slides down the barstool..... Ok i'm stopping now .../wave

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

What defines an athlete? Posted: 8/3/2009 8:59:19 PM
I think they should offer us more accurate descriptions for body type for sure .. but I always say "exlinebacker" .. no I never played football but that's really how I look.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Best Walks into a bar jokes Posted: 8/3/2009 8:52:22 PM
its "a baby seal walks into a club" ... a blonde , a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar together .. the bartender says "hey what is this? .. a joke??" a toothless termite walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here"??? can't think of anymore at the moment .. I'll be back hehehhe.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Sucks in bed and making out but is a good guy Posted: 8/3/2009 8:43:26 PM
I usually just lurk on posts like this but tonight I feal like interjecting... My last g/f and I had this problem she was a fantastic lady, I still like her and would still buy her dinner if we ran into each other. We didn't fight, we agreed on some future plans that we discussed, I truely enjoyed her company, and I believe she enjoyed mine as well. However, kissing her was like kissing my dog....( not really because I've never actually kissed my dog but there was just zero spark). I actually fell asleep during sex once. Befor I get sh!t about this .. she is not on POF so no you don't know her from here. The fact that chemistry between us was completely non-existant wasn't the main problem. The problem was she believed herself to be outstanding at kissing and love-making. Trying to coach her or teach her would've only made her mad, (yes I tried a little but realised it was a bad idea). So the question I put to you is this: does he know he is not satisfying you?? If he knows and wants to improve teach him ... if he believes himself to be superior at them .. move on there are better things ahead. Hope it helps .. P.S. --- sweety if you do happen to join POF down the road and read this .. I never mentioned your name or gave any details and I still love that black dress ../wink

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

North v South Posted: 8/3/2009 9:41:55 AM
hahahahahha good one

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Just who IS Jack Schitt Posted: 8/3/2009 9:39:52 AM
you forgot the cousins .. the Hauf twins .. Jack and Jill. They are tied to the Schitt family somehow but I forget.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Long hair? Posted: 7/31/2009 8:25:16 PM
I've been working on growing mine back out ... but it doesn't grow as fast as it used to. I just miss the way it used to look and descided to grow it back and see if still looks good... I'll let ya know.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

like/dislike girls who are adventurous in bed? Posted: 7/31/2009 8:19:56 PM
Whatcha got in mind !! .. /wink ....

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

musical farts Posted: 7/31/2009 8:12:54 PM
hahahah good one!!!

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Okay Ladies this one's for you.. Posted: 7/31/2009 8:10:09 PM
B= beautiful E= effervessent (how do ya spell that??) O= only one on my (his) mind T= talented C= creative H= happy ... how'd I do??

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Cute quickies, funny quotes and phrases... Posted: 7/30/2009 9:44:38 AM
when in doubt .. sleep. when hungry .. eat. when bored .. read forums and add lame posts

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Funny wedding video (actually worth watching) Posted: 7/30/2009 9:37:28 AM
no way that was a real wedding ... none of the bridesmaids was ugly .. every bride has one ugly friend that has to be in the wedding just like almost every groom has that drunk rehab friend hahahahahah .. truthfully I liked it ... my second wife and I danced out of the church together but never thought of dancing in ..

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Indicators that the economy is bad: Posted: 7/30/2009 9:27:14 AM
that's a good one hahaha .. predeclined credit offers hahahaha

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

I woke up THIS MORNING and found...... Posted: 7/30/2009 9:25:42 AM
that my alarm clock had given up in the middle of the night and I had over slept... that I still sleep alone...

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Which Would You Choose? Posted: 7/29/2009 12:10:45 PM
well it depends .. is the old lady bleeding ... can't get blood on my custom leather seats ... but if I'm in my old pickup she can bleed all over the bed and who cares.. also in the truck there's plenty of room for everyone.

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 131 (view)

If You Could Give ONE Piece of Advice to the Opp Sex..... Posted: 7/29/2009 12:07:10 PM
yes we are Dave .. be honest

mozard

Joined: 7/31/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Flirting with other girls?? Posted: 7/29/2009 9:43:15 AM
Let's not string the guy up ... for some of us flirting is the only way to deal being overly shy ... I flirt with every woman I meet if I think she likes it ... it has nothing to do with pretty or ugly or hot or fat .. I just like to make people smile and that's an easy way for me to do that very thing.

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