I am just so confused. I need some insight from my fellow POF'ers chat & forums.

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smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

I am just so confused. I need some insight from my fellow POF'ers Posted: 1/26/2008 12:46:10 PM
When they were dating, which was for 4 years, he bought her fake boobs and gave her a mustang Maybe he wants to check up on his investment. Take them both for a spin again. If he bought her fake boobs, and a car, it seems as if he has a vested interest in her. I don't know.. He sounds much older than you, very materialistic towards her (able to afford cosmetic surgery and a vehicle for another person). A two hour conversation that YOU know of. Maybe there have been many more. I would say that even after the years apart, it appears as if he has not really let go of her. I am going to grab some popcorn and sit on the side.. I haven't seen a good train wreck in a long time. Time for you to wise up. A real 'man' does not spend HOURS talking to an ex girlfriend while his current girlfriend is out with the girls. I wish you the best of luck.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Men requiring a financial portfolio to date? Posted: 1/26/2008 10:16:28 AM
I don't look at a date by the size of her portfolio or bank account. I look at her by the size of her heart . I look to see if she has compassion, understanding, and respect for others. Teachers obviously do. Interesting that some people think an occupation of 'teacher' is considered a bum. They must be pretty judgemental people. I would reply to the person(s) "if it were not for people like Teachers, you would NOT be where you are now in life." Interesting indeed. Just my two cents!

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

definitions of hott, beautiful, pretty, cute, etc.. Posted: 1/24/2008 9:59:45 PM
A man should be able to look at one woman, and say she is all things, just at different times.. Hot - When she dresses and acts in ways that show her sensuality. Beautiful - When she walks into a room, and heads turn to watch her, including mine! Pretty - When you see the delicate features of her face, her sparkling eyes and her bright smile. Cute - When she wakes up in the morning with bed hair, no war-paint, thinks she is ugly, and all you want to do is kiss her. A woman is not one, but she is all. Men just have to take time to notice. Just my two cents!

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

So I need to talk to my man about sex but don't know how... Posted: 1/24/2008 8:11:51 PM
I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't care what he looks like... It is obvious from your post that you really adore this man. To think purely from your own physical needs (love-making more often) might not be the best approach. Always make the other person feel important. Put him as the important person in your thoughts. Express your feelings for him. Honey, I love you. I am worried about you. Express your understanding of his situation. I see you are under a lot of stress with the new job and the extra work in your Masters courses. It is a hectic schedule for you. Express your fears: I am afraid. I don't want your stress to drag you down any further. Express your willingness to help him in his situation: I want the 'old' you back. Is there anything I can do to help? Is there anything we can do? Can we talk about this? You have expressed your feelings, concern, fears, and willingness to help. It is letting him know how important he is to you. It is an open invitation to conversation. Conversation will to an open discussion, which will allow both of you to find a solution. You have to understand that with his stress and weight gain, he might have a reduced level of self-esteem. He might not be in a position to talk much about it. Exercise patience, understanding, and compassion. I hope he hears your voice. I wish both of you the best of luck!

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Do guys have body image woes? Posted: 1/24/2008 4:01:07 PM
I realize there are certain things I can control, and certain things I cannot control. I can control my weight, my diet, my exercise. I cannot control (or, better yet - choose not to worry about) my hair, my grey or my height. If she doesn't like me for my physical attributes as I am, that is her choice. I would rather be measured on my respect for others, my integrity and confidence in who I am. Simple..

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

First Date Gift Posted: 1/22/2008 3:17:10 PM
On a first date, I would not have any expectations for a gift other than smiles, conversation, laughter, and maybe a hug at the end. Keep it simple. I can understand your question. I believe Gift Giving on the first date is kind of tough to figure out. How well do you know them before the date? How well do they know you? What happens if you give a gift and he doesn't have one? It will make him feel bad. What happens if the chemistry is not there? What happens if that first date is a flop? I have NO idea what your date is like, his likes or dislikes, therefore I cannot suggest anything useful here.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

When PDA'S Cross the line into Displays of Ownership Posted: 1/18/2008 3:41:03 PM
Msg #10 - clarification. OMG.. I don't know about you OP, but in that particular scenario, and some that others have described, that situation would have my fur pretty ruffled. If I was a casual aquaintence with someone, or even an Ex, and they tried pulling that kind of stuff on me, I would immediately become vocal about it. NO ONE will take actions against me that put me in a box, or make me feel uncomfortable. I would back slightly away, stare her right in the face, and say "Excuse me, what ARE you doing?!?" I would be defending and marking MY territory - ME! My space! Basically, I would be giving them a clear 'Get out of my space' message. I would say it just loud enough to have other friends / guests hear it. It is NOT to embarrass the other person, but a clear verbal warning that they are invading my personal space. My simple mind uses analogies - and I will use this one in this case: If you get too close to a dog's food dish, and threaten to take his food, it will growl. If you don't back off, the dog will growl louder. If you still don't back away, the dog will snip at you. The dog never intends to hurt you during the growling or the snip. It is just giving warning and defending its space. I would encourage everyone to growl a little if you think your space is being invaded. Don't let anyone take away your space or freedom. hmmmm.. make me think... Next date I go on, I better be listening for any growling.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

When PDA'S Cross the line into Displays of Ownership Posted: 1/18/2008 11:48:42 AM
PDA - Public Display of Affection... I personally do not feel any PDA from a Significant Other is crossing the line. If she and I are out in the public, I would not mind holding hands, stopping for a hug or kiss, or walk arm in arm. Since I would be in a relationship with her, I would welcome any PDA (my preference is yeeeeesss, bring it on!). I would hope she would be comfortable enough in the relationship to know that no matter who we interacted with, she would not have to resort to a PDA as a 'signal' saying Back off he is mine... I would hope the PDAs would be mutually shared and enjoyed. As the rest of the world looked at us, they would be able to say "Golly, they are really in love with each other." In that kind of relationship, people would clearly know we stand solidly together as a couple that no man could put asunder. Just my two cents! ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Lighthearted Friday post about Chili Posted: 1/18/2008 10:37:38 AM
Nothing better than a good batch of Chili on a cool day. Spice it up as much as you want. Serve it with crusty bread. I prepare my chili and garnish it with minced onions, cheddar cheese, and sour cream. The sour cream takes the bite out if I was heavy-handed with the spices... I have a recipe for white chili.. using chicken instead of beef, and white navy beans instead of kidney beans. I have prepared chili with beans, and without. Both ways are good. Happy Cooking!

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 116 (view)

Do divorced women have to settle for any man that will take them? Posted: 1/17/2008 6:28:08 PM
OP, I have read your post. It appears as if you have made several false assumptions and incorrect conclusions. (I think Msg #8 covered pretty much everything.) I have run across many profiles of women over 40 years of age on here who refuse to settle. They are very smart women. I have also run across some profiles of women who are extremely intelligent, visually attractive, are very sensual, and really know what they want out of life. They also refuse to put up with people with negative attitude, or, who are judgmental. OP, I am not sure what your intention of this post is, other than to convince women using false assumptions that they need to pick 'someone' for the sake of being married! Just make sure you are not in that 'someone' pool. Your statement of 'trading up' in a marriage sounds more like the way you treat a vehicle. After years go by, do you look for a newer model yourself? I believe you will doom yourself to a life of loneliness if you take that approach. Any woman who reads this post would surely be fearful of being 'traded in' in a few years after being with you. (sigh) There are a few males in the human population (of which I am a member) that truly embarrass the rest of us.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

A cool password needed for my party Posted: 1/17/2008 3:55:42 PM
What ever happened to showing up with an 'Invitation Announcement'? simple, elegant, easy to identify.. Maybe I am just too old fashioned.. sigh

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Aspirations and dream girls Posted: 1/17/2008 12:19:23 PM
oh, so many questions! I do still have the dreams. I also know my dreams have changed and evolved as I have become older, wiser, and more mature (uhh, can you say 'realistic'?). This applies to any type of dream, whether it be a relationship dream or a personal dream to aspire or accomplish something. Did you imagine a 'dream girl'? When I was growing up, I think every guy had a poster of Farrah Fossit hanging in their room (early 1980's). It was unrealistic, but it was a dream. Do you still have your dreams? Yes, but they are more realistic, both personally and relationship-wise. Did someone steal your dreams? I have had personal dreams and ideas squashed by reality. I have had personal dreams fade. I have had new personal dreams come up. No one can really steal your personal dreams - what good would it do them? They are my dreams. My relationship dream is still alive and kicking! I see it evolving. Did someone make your dreams come true? There are people who can help you make your personal dreams come true. Dale Carnegie said "Share your dreams with as many people as you can. You never know who will be able to help you." Example: I told a friend of mine I wanted to learn how to fly, and become a pilot. Next thing you know I got a phone call from another person (who was a pilot) who heard of my dream. He helped feed my dream, took me up in an airplane, then pointed me in a direction to start my lessons to become a pilot. Are you with someone else while you wait? No. I cannot see myself being with someone while my relationship dream is unfulfilled. That would be 'settling', and misleading to myself and the other person. Are you with someone else because you gave up? No. Are your dreams your only life companion? No. I chose to live life realistically, not in a dream world. I can work on my personal dreams and keep them alive. I hold onto my relationship dreams, but I do not let it paralyze my life. Anyone who has dreams has to remember this... The difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline. It is easier to put deadlines on a personal dream. Simple example: I want to lose 10 lbs before May 2008. It is impossible to put a deadline on a relationship dream. You can keep the dream alive, but you cannot say something like "I want to be in a relationship by May 2008". If you do, you are settling, or letting your relationship dreams die. Just some of my rambling thoughts! ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 76 (view)

What made her 'unforgettable' Posted: 1/15/2008 10:27:58 PM
WHAT WAS IT ABOUT THAT WOMAN THAT MADE HER SO UNFORGETABLE TO YOU ??? She is caring. She is intelligent. She claims she is not perfect, but I disagree. She reached out and touched my heart. In doing so, she made me a better person. I will never EVER forget her. I cannot thank her enough. I bring her honor by being a better person throughout the rest of my life. To her, I was a ripple in the pond. To me, she changed my world.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

Do guys enjoy doing handyman chores? Posted: 1/15/2008 10:17:37 PM
Need a deck built? Hardwood floors installed? Fridgerator moved? Oil changed? Cabinets made? Shelves built? Garage cleaned? For a free lunch and some good conversation? Heck, I am easy to please. I would love it if she asked me to do handyman chores.. Not because I was there to do it, wanted to impress her, or needed to feel important, but because I enjoy doing those kinds of things! Now, as a first date? hmmm. I would think she would be a bit scared if I brought my tools and showed all of them to her at once.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Can a womans job intimidate you? Posted: 1/15/2008 5:53:45 PM
I dunno Ann Summers.. so, I will tell you how I feel about a womans job in general. I do my job, and I do it well. If she does her job, and does it well, what is there to be intimidated about? I think I would like to hear from her and find out how her day went, the challenges she overcame, the silliness she encounterd, etc. The only time I would be intimidated by her job if she ONLY talked about her job, and about nothing else in life. It would be a sign that I was less important than her job / occupation /career. Just my two cents.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

What do men (or women) really expect out of a first meeting ? Posted: 1/15/2008 5:39:23 AM
I guess my expectations for a first meeting are a bit different. I expect conversation, smiles and laughter. I provide the same in return. We might grab a bite to eat. During conversation, there is no negativity. The subject of sex or sleeping over never enters into the equation. In the end, the success of the first meeting is judged by this: If you go away thinking to yourself "Wow. That was time well spent. I would like to do that again", then you know it was a good first meeting. I might be weird because I think different and have realistic expectations. I know after that first meeting, I can look myself in the mirror and say 'I honored both her and myself.' ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

Why would a man send this to me? Posted: 1/14/2008 10:15:45 PM
I would think that you intimidate him. You have suffered a great loss, you are raising two kids.. you have a job, your profile is positive, AND you are looking to venture out and create your 'Chapter 2' according to your profile. He is probably bitter, alone, and sulking in a foxhole of self-pity. A very wise person once told me that people like him are nothing more than a ripple in the pond. He is there, then fades quickly away. yep..I am sure you intimidated him! I wish you the best of luck in your new Book of Life! ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Guys and Their Rides Posted: 1/14/2008 7:04:36 PM
^^^ No problems CB. I am sure when they read it, they will probably come up with more. ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Guys and Their Rides Posted: 1/14/2008 3:40:40 PM
hmmmm. My motorbike does NOT get me more dates, more emails, or more contacts. You have brought up a very interesting thought. Now that you mention it, I think should leave POF. My motorbike is my perfect partner, and I never realized it until now.. She doesn't mind how many times I ride her, or how hard. (Her tires do squeal a bit when I lean on her too hard in the corners.) She give me hours of enjoyment at a time, and I can smile for days after a good ride. I like to buy her shoes.. the best ones! and all the other great accessories! She likes it when I charge her battery, but she complains if I loaf around too slowly. She loves it when I massage some new oil into her and grease her up good. She is the only one I have, and I am the only one for her, therefore there is a great sense of loyalty, trust and respect. She knows I take good care of her - I always make sure she looks her best. We travel together LOTS! She and I share seeing new sights, and going everywhere we can together. We have been through good times and bad times, and always stuck it out TOGETHER. I introduce her to all my friends, and my friends say she is a 'beauty'. Some are even jealous! I never mistreat her.. I always make sure she is good and warmed up and ready to go before I ride her. (she makes these great sounds when I play with her throttle.. ) yea... I think I found myself a 'keeper'. So, OP, I suggest you loosen up a little and realize that men sometimes have a passion for an inanimate objects. Your goal should be to realize that men have hobbies and interests which allow them 'man time', just as much as a woman needs 'Ladies Night Out', or a 'Shopping trip.' It is what makes us interesting people. In a HEALTHY and NORMAL relationship, both man and woman should have interests DIFFERENT from each other, along with mutual interests. Flame me if you want. It just makes logical sense.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Would you tell your male friend that his girlfriend isn't right for him? Posted: 1/14/2008 2:59:09 PM
OP, you are treading on a slipperly slope. I personally would not go there UNLESS you can answer the following: 1. YOU are absolutely SURE you have NO vested interest or ulterior motives. If you interject, make sure it is not to plant a seed of doubt in his head to leave her, so you can still have a chance at him. 2. You know BOTH persons very well, and the 'reason' for the 'red flag' you claim is truly valid - i.e. She is a drug user/pusher, alcoholic, known criminal, sex offender, convicted stalker, etc. I am sorry, but telling him "she is not good for you", or "she sleeps around," or "she is needy" or "she snores in her sleep" are NOT a valid reasons.. (See Item #1 above.) 3. You know you are a strong enough person to take the finger pointing and verbal abuse if the relationship breaks up. (yes, you will be accused of breaking it up, home wrecker, boyfriend stealer, ruining a relationship, vengeful wench, etc) Like I said.. you are treading on a very slippery slope here. Do NOT be a victim of bad judgement or ulterior motives - it will only make YOU look bad in the end.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

Point System to become a Moderator ( false) Posted: 1/13/2008 10:13:57 PM
I have read through this thread and all the posts. It is disturbing that some how a seed of someone's opinion has been cast around to grow confusion and concern in the forums. I step back and look at it logically, and there is no real measuring tool to determine 'good' or 'negative' posts. Even if there was such a tool, it would be logistically impossible to filter through and read all the posts to arrive at a tangible value. There would be so many arguments on such a rating system, that the Administrators would be overwhelmed with trivial little disputes. I believe that this is NOT the true spirit of the forums within POF. If I knew I was being 'graded' on every post I had done, I would feel stripped of my freedom of expression. I post because I know I am free to express my opinion or observation on the threads. I do so because other people freely ask for this when they create a thread. I create my posts with my heart. It is a reflection of who I am, my beliefs, and what I stand for. There will only be one judge in my world, and He will tally my final points after I have left this world. In order to stop the seed of doubt from being planted, and causing confusion, the seed should be extracted and boiled, so that the seed will not grow and propogate any fears within the forums. I will silently go back to my corner now.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

The call. Posted: 1/13/2008 9:13:37 PM
During the intitial stages, there are times when I would love to pick up the phone and call. I hestitate.. why? Because I do not know if she is busy with other things. I am compassionate. I am understanding. I know she has other things going on in her life. I also KNOW those things are more important than me in the early stages. Sometimes I feel like a ripple in her pond. Unless SHE communicates to me that I have 'permission' to call, I do not call. yea, I have her number. I am not shy, just respectful. I enjoy the conversations and connections on the phone. I know I smile when we converse. I would like to believe she smiles (and does not groan or roll her eyes when she sees my number pop up on caller ID) when we talk. I make the conversations interesting. I listen. Shyness should not be an excuse. Uncertainty is my dilemma!

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

how long do you date before you know Posted: 1/13/2008 8:43:15 PM
People find out my humorous side when I share with them my 'Most Embarassing Moment In Life.' It is THEN they see I can be serious, and that I also have a sense of humor. Next time you are on a date with him, say "Let's share our most embarassing moment in life.. Let me go first." It is an invitation. It is a chance for him to open up without being being judged. It will allow YOU to show you have a serious side, but also have a humorous side. It will open you up to allow him to share a laugh with you, or judge you. If he says. "oh Yea, well, here is MY story.........." Then you know there might be a chance.. If he says "OMG, I have NEVER done anything like that", then it might be time to 'cut and run.' YMMV (your mileage may vary) It has worked for me. ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Email from forum users? Posted: 1/13/2008 8:53:56 AM
I have had follow-up emails based on my forum posts. Most of them have been positive (you nailed it, you said what I wanted to say, you should lead a 'seminar for men', are you a counselor or therapist?, are you for real? etc). Some have been clarification (what do you mean?, Can you explain further?). Only one email has been negative (and I admitted I misunderstood the post and apologized. He was one of the most intelligent men I ever had an email exchange with). If someone places a post, and I do not agree with their opinion, I usually reference it in my own post, stating 'I disagree with Msg #xxx' and leave it at that. I choose to NOT get into verbal jousting with anyone on their opinions. They have a right to an opinion just as much as I do. If I send an email, it is only to support them. Going quietly back into my own corner now.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

How do you know when to let go Posted: 1/12/2008 11:24:37 PM
I would say that if I found characteristics in a person that were appealing except for the one area you see lacking (in your case, hugging, kissing, bonding), you should calmly sit down and explain to them what you 'would like'. Unless you communicate your desires, and understand his position, you will never find a solution. Please make sure your desire to be touched, hugged, kissed, etc, is not because of a deeper NEED that you have, but a 'want.' Please sit back and look at yourself, and determine if your desire is based on a request to ehance the relationship, or if it based on a key foundational item that is missing (trust, belonging). Hold onto the situation if you can communicate your needs, and understand his position. Let go if you don't want to talk about the important things.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

If you are a middle aged man . Posted: 1/12/2008 11:05:22 PM
Some men have their preferences, and put them on their profile. Whether or not they get 'hits' from the younger age group is basically a matter of luck. They are hoping they can find a younger woman looking for an older man. I am more realistic. I know I would be much better suited to someone in my age group. I have no age preference in my profile because I chat too much in the forums. I could be wrong, but I guess your post is based on trying to contact someone you were interested in, and you were excluded because of his age restriction. The way I see it, it would be his loss. Maybe he will wise up someday.. maybe..

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Good Manners Geeky? Posted: 1/12/2008 7:55:36 PM
I respectfully disagree with Msg #25. Do not lie. I believe the OP handled the situation in the best way possible. Tact and Grace, open and honest. I didn't see any 'geekiness'. You can only control your actions, not the other person's reactions. Since the other guy blocked YOU, I guess it saved you the trouble. His reaction is nothing more than an adult temper tantrum. :frustrated: Sometimes people here think because they contact you and share a few emails, that you OWE them more than they deserve. I wish you better luck on your next cast! ~smiles~

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

giving a man your phone number Posted: 1/12/2008 11:09:09 AM
I have had a woman send me her phone number in an initial contact. I didn't accept her offer to 'call me right away'. If I get a phone number after a couple of emails, I feel honored. It would mean there is a tiny bit of trust built up. It also means an invitation to further communciate with that person. I would tend to think that a phone number in the first email would signal 'desperate' no matter how sincere the opening email is. I would feel more open to receiving a phone number after some email exchanges. I guess a question that goes through my mind is : How do YOU feel about getting a phone number in an initial email? If you find it unacceptable, then do not do it yourself. Just my two cents.

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

The little girl inside your woman Posted: 1/10/2008 6:52:06 PM
Is it annoying or endearing? It is neither endearing or annoying to me. It is a reward. It is a sign that she is comfortable in showing herself to me, and that the relationship has developed and contains a strong level of trust. No one really likes to show that they have a soft, vulnerable side - men or women. They might appear to be 'weak' - heaven forbid in today's world! When she is comfortable enough with me, she knows she will not be judged. She will know I am there to support, encourage, protect and hold 'the little girl'. Above all, protect her so that only I know and see that 'little girl.' The outside world can still see her as the strong, independant person that she is. Just my two cents!

smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

When Unable to Speak Up is letter or e-mail okay? Posted: 1/10/2008 4:52:29 PM
My question in this situation is "Why do you have to resort to an email?" The topics you have in your mind must be important to you! The best way to 'voice yourself' is by voice, not by email. An email does not indicate how important these things are to you. They cannot hear the determination, emphasis and importance in an email. Since you are dating this guy, I would suggest on you next date, let him know "We have to talk." If you cannot communicate with him freely, or feel pressured on the date "to have a good time", then he is not showing you respect. You should feel comfortable in talking to him. He should allow you the time and space to do that. It would be in HIS best interests to find out what is on your mind and address those issues. I say that, because I was in a situation where I was afraid to talk. I was afraid to voice my concerns, my fears, my mistakes. In the end, I did more damage than good. I ruined my chance when I failed to speak up, say my mind. So, follow your SECOND THOUGHT. Bring it up in person. Let him know how important it is. Be Brave! You are standing up for yourself, your beliefs, your opinion, your honor. Sure, you can write the things down in a note to yourself, just like a cue card. Do it in person! If he does not allow you the time, he shows you no respect to hear you and LISTEN to you. You may never get a second chance! I wish you the best of luck!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

HOT & COLD - Is he really into me? Posted: 1/9/2008 10:13:22 PM
It sounds like he has placed you on his 'back-burner' list. He definitely does not have you at the top of his priority list. An hour drive? sheesh. You could live in a big city and have an hour drive. Look at it logically: YOU are initiating all the contacts. YOU are carrying on the conversations. (When I call, I can talk for hours about anything, or nothing at all. There is no such thing as 'dead air' in my phone conversations.) The minor blow-outs you describe, and his reaction makes me think that he reacted, and asked you to be his 'girl friend' at that point because he didn't really want to 'lose you' totally, just in case his other dates did not work out. He might be telling the other girls the same thing "you and I are boyfriend/girlfriend." His words and his actions do not match. I would tread carefully here. I could be totally wrong. This is bothering you. I suggest you sit down with him and have a talk. His heart does not seem to be in this with you. I wish you the best of luck!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 46 (view)

Laughing together Posted: 1/8/2008 9:44:59 PM
Laughter is an important part of a relationship in my book. It allows me to show my natural and human side. It shows that no matter what crap gets thrown into my path, I can deal with it, look back at it and eventually laugh. When one person shares a story or situation, and both are able to laugh, it a sure sign of a comfortable relationship. Why do we tell these kind of stories to others? It is a sign we have opened ourselves up to that person, and feel comfortable in doing so. We share those kinds of stories because we will not be judged. We are accepted by them, faults and all. I have shared stories with persons that cause them to laugh. I share those stories because it shows I am human, I live life, I make mistakes, I stumble. Friends laugh with me. Judgemental people barely break a smile, or criticize. Yes, I prefer to live, laugh and love. I thank those people who have shared laughs with me. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Guilt trips!!!! Posted: 1/6/2008 8:42:51 PM
It is a rejection mechanism. They cannot accept 'NO' for an answer, and will verbally coerce you into accepting. Sad tactic. It could mean they are insecure. It could also mean they made committments to others (promises) that they cannot keep. A smart person avoid this by saying, "hey, I would like to have a get together so you can meet all my friends.. Would you like to do that, and if so, when are you available?" Problem solved. Do not let others make committments and promises for you.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

What are your quirks? Posted: 1/6/2008 8:35:45 PM
1. I go nuts if I can't match all my socks after laundry.. I know the machine didn't eat them! 2. I have to fold my towels a certain way.. so when I need to put one on the towel rack, it will fit perfectly. 3. I can't stand a dirty toilet.. LOL 4. When I am thinking too much.. I create a list, and number the items in the .. ohh, crap.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Guys - tell me what this behavior means Posted: 1/6/2008 11:26:10 AM
hmmmm. He moved to another city for another woman. He dates unknown numbers of women. Stays out overnight. Tells you to wait until he is ready to work on the relationship, needs time, needs space, argues with you, and HE has the trust issues with YOU? Dang. He really has it good. You are supporting his behavior by still having him around. He will pick you in a relationship as a last resort after he has sampled everything else. Do you want to be the last resort, or the first choice? As much as it hurts, get rid of him. He is using you for convenient housing, and does not really care about you. You can either get rid of him now, or be hurt even more as you watch him move out and leave you when he finds someone else again. He is using your place as a convenient 'Base Camp' as he goes around exploring the world, discovering new conquests, and finding new territory. Tell him you are closing his 'Base Camp.'

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Are you part of the meat market- or are you at a buffet? Posted: 1/5/2008 10:55:12 AM
When I go to the store, I am picky. I pick up an item. I read the label. I think about it. In the end, my question is: Will this be good/healthy for me? or did I pick it up just because the packaging was all pretty or just because it is on 'special sale.' I would like to think I am in control, picking and choosing the things that are good for me. The relationship world is very different. Not only do I have to choose the item, but I also have to be chosen. I would hope in a relationship, that people 'choose' each other. I would hate to think I was chosen because I was a pretty package (I am NOT), or because I was 'item of the week.' I would hope to be chosen because in the long run, it is healthy for the person chosing me. I refuse to put myself on the meat market. I refuse to be picked up by anyone randomly walking by. I have no control. I don't want a random person picking me up, slapping me on the grill, cooking it to WELL DONE, and ruining a perfectly good piece of meat. People choose to put themselves in the meat market HOPING they will be picked up. Buffets offer so many choices! People who don't really know what they want will try to select a little bit of everything. In the end, they are miserable.. they have over-indulged. They walk out feeling poorly, and they ask themselves "oh, why oh why did I do that?"

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

When a woman says she's attractive in her profile... Posted: 1/4/2008 10:06:00 PM
Attractive refers to physical looks. If they are stuck in POF for 10 years, will they still be attractive physically? hmmmm... interesting. To me, there are many other factors that are more important that a self-proclaimation of being attractive. If they claim they are attractive, they might be in their eyes. They might not be in my eyes. If they claim they are attractive, they better claim more than just that. 'Attractive' by itself is hollow. The opposite can also be true, where a whole litany of items are listed, which screams 'needs attention'. Before ya all go out and start a bashin' on me, here is my reason for saying 'needs attention'... A persons qualities should be slowly revealed, allowing others to form their own opinion based on observations. The first person will not really have to claim 'attractive' or anything else, it will be observed. ok.. going back to my corner now.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

What to do..... Posted: 1/4/2008 9:48:21 PM
Aahhh.. Is what your mind going through Fantasy or Reality? I believe that if he states Chat/Talk/Email, and you have the same, why are you wondering if you can have more? Please do not the cloud of fantasy prevent you from seeing the reality of the situation. Be prepared. There may be reasons he only wants to chat. He may not be ready for dating or a relationship. He may be in a relationship, and enjoys the chat. If you try to push it into a 'relationship', and he is not ready, he will run. You will lose the friendship you had established. The best thing I can suggest is to talk to him about. You already communicate. If you talk to him about it, you might find out he might be ready, but also be prepared to have the idea rejected. I am a true believer that if two persons have a strong emotional connection, and a desire to be with each other in a healthy relationship, distance is just a small detail to be addressed. I spend more time figuring out what to cook for dinner than making plans and preparations for a trip! See the reality. Differentiate from the fantasy. I wish you the best of luck!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Interpretation please. Posted: 1/4/2008 5:56:21 PM
Unless I am misunderstanding something with the time line, I cannot figure out why it took him so long to get back in touch with you.. You went on a date, he went on a cruise.. and then there is no contact for A COUPLE OF MONTHS? Did he send you an email FIRST to re-establish contact after his vacation? Do any of your family or friends have problems reaching you on your phone? Did you have any problems reaching his phone, or leaving him a voice message? Did he forget your email address? If you answered NO, NO, NO, NO, then you have pattern. He just didn't care, no matter what excuse he says. I wish you the best of luck.. Walk carefully with this one.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

Boyfriend writes to girls on POF Posted: 1/3/2008 3:43:37 PM
OK. OK.. I read through this, and was ready to respond.. but in the middle of the thread was a miniature Jerry Springer Episode. Suggestion: Why don't the two of you sit down, converse, work it out. Vent, complain, admit both of you have made mistakes. Gosh, I feel like a parent.. Her: "Daaaad... He is pickin on me" Him: "No way, Dad, she started it first." Me: "Kids, go to your own room.. now."

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Thinking of dumping this guy. Posted: 1/3/2008 12:49:34 AM
I didn't want to dump him around Christmas not because of presents okay, but because his birthday is also around that time. If you have made up your mind, do not look for the perfect time. Does he wait for the perfect time to tell you he is going out with his female friend? A suggestion, as cruel as it sounds, would be to give him a perfectly clear picture the next time he goes out with his female friend, leaving you behind.. "Oh, by the time you get back, the locks will be changed, so don't bother coming back" You can buy a replacement lock set for your door for less than $15 US. A screwdriver and 15 minutes is all it takes. If you are in an apartment / flat, have your landlord help you. Oh, and one glass of wine to celebrate!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 53 (view)

sounds during sex/lovemaking Posted: 1/3/2008 12:40:04 AM
T8kARisk, If you want to encourage your man, get him in an environment where, even if he does get vocal, it doesn't matter. Example: In the woods, Camping.. yowsa! A turn on for me. Example: In the middle of the love-making session, ask him "Does it feel good?", or "Tell me how good it feels", or "tell me what you are feeling" I can understand what the ladies are saying. There is nothing more exciting than hearing how turned on your partner is!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

What EXACTLY is dating? Posted: 1/2/2008 11:53:52 PM
I see in your profile that you are Looking For 'Dating'. In this internet world, some people prefer to exchange a few emails, build up to a phone call, then talk about meeting. Often times people will set up a quick 'meet', lasting no more than an hour or two to get to know that person. See if the pictures match the person. See if there is any chemistry between the two persons. If the first meet goes well, then you extend an offer for a first "date". Do not make it anything dramatic or extravagant. Then, you are on your way! I wish you the best of luck!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Thinking of dumping this guy. Posted: 1/2/2008 11:26:52 PM
There are too many things that do not add up for my logical little brain. I believe I have extracted YOUR facts below. If I am wrong, please let me know. He sees you between one and three times a week (not sure what 'sees' means). He said he loves you. He admits he hangs with other girls from work. He takes them out to lunch. He takes them out to dinner. He takes them out to events. He comes over to your place after his events / dinners are over. He falls asleep when you should be having quality time. If YOUR facts above are accurate, this boy does not respect you. He is out having fun, and leaves you as his 'filler' when his calendar is open. I am not going to totally dump the fault him, since I do not know your personality. Are you an inviting and friendly person. Are you available to meet with him after work? Why is your time precious? Do you have other committments also? Have you communicated with him and let him know how hurt you feel? I recommend you sit down and talk with him. Let him know you don't feel right about this situation. If the two of you cannot work it out, THEN move on.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Alpha Female Posted: 1/2/2008 11:02:53 PM
There is an Alpha Female personality, and an Alpha Male personality in any pack. In a relationship, there is one Alpha Female, and one Alpha Male, nothing else. I don't care what kind of books she has read, or what her accomplishments are. If I am in a relationship, she knows she is the Alpha Female, and I am the Alpha Male. The balance is maintained by her and I. She will have strengths, and I will have strengths. Between the two of us, the sum will be greater than the parts. If one Alpha thinks they are better than the other Alpha, then there will be constant conflict. Any female I am in a relationship with will be my equal. There will be no subserviant person - just equals. 'Dumbing it down' would mean you are already admitting you think you are better than the other person. If men think you are intimidating, you probably are. Be their equal. Trying to prove yourself better than them will not get you anything. Flame me if you want..

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Calling your Girlfriend Posted: 1/2/2008 10:44:51 PM
If I had a girlfriend, I would first determine through communciation, WHEN and HOW OFTEN would you like me to call? I have previously done everything from"'Good Morning, This is your Wake Up call" to "Good Night.. Sleep well" and everything in between. It is all up to the girl.. Some like to be called often. Some are very busy with everything in live, and do not want to be called constantly. It is all done based on communication and consideration, i.e. RESPECT. If you let your man know you like to be called, and he DOESN'T, he doesn't care about you. Before you jump all over him, make sure you have communicated to him. Good Luck!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

Am i that crazy? Posted: 1/2/2008 10:22:11 PM
Vox, I have been reading this as it unfolds. I am trying to get all the facts straight before I provide my input. I have had to read each of your posts from you to try and put each little puzzle piece together. Can you verify if I have the facts, and just the facts, and verify the timeline? Once you verify that, I will provide some constructive input. Facts: Vox lived in AZ. Vox believes he hasn't cheated in the last year they were together in AZ. She has problems in her life with finances, job, and possessions. She admits she was not long-term material. Vox discovers she has cancer while in AZ. Vox moves to TN. She dates others. She thinks she has got her 'crap' together. Has surgery to remove cancer. At the same time, boyfriend in AZ has slept with at least one, and has others chasing him. From all of his friends, there are just very few of them that he can say that he hasn't had some sexual contact with. Vox gets flight back to AZ for Christmas after being drunk online and talking to BF. Vox did meet one of his female friends. She ended up locked in his bathroom going off about how much she wanted to sleep with him (she was drunk). Vox flies back to TN. Vox is surprised that he only had sex with one girl. Vox is now in TN. Vox questions: "Am i so crazy though to not be comfortable with the relationships he makes with women?" and "I don't want him talking to her (and some other of his new "friends"). Is that wrong?" If these are the facts, and the sequence, please acknowledge. Thank you for your time.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Just going by his RULES .... Posted: 1/2/2008 12:35:03 PM
Savona, Obviously, his thinking is different than your thinking. He cannot come forward and fully communicate himself to you (only hints). The reason he hints is because if you were off POF, then, logically (and equally), he would have to be off POF. That would kill his fishing pond. He thinks you are 'fishing' by being on POF. He probably thinks that way because that might be what HE is doing. A logical conclusion in his thought process would be: I go to POF to fish, therefore if she goes to POF, she must be fishing too! He could also be thinking: If you POST to the forums, you must be fishing double-time. Heck, I can attest that there are many people who come to POF for the sole (no pun intended) purpose of the forums, and they are not fishing at all! Some people on the forums have adopted the mantra "I came for a mate, but found the forums." It does appear as if he is insecure, or worse, judging you based on his behavior, not on your own merit. Welcome back to the forums! Post away, and be happy about it. Heck, maybe we should campaign for you, and have all the forum people add you to Favorites. It would drive him nuts!

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

If she wanted you to... Posted: 1/2/2008 7:49:32 AM
Golly, don't hint.. Us men-folk don't always pick up on hints. Just come out and speak your mind. You would get a postive response from me if you just said: "I really like it when you wear a T-shirt under your other shirt. In my eyes, it make you look more (manly, sexy, complete, professional - insert your word here). " Ask your mate. State your preference. Give a compliment. Simple formula.

Smilin_bob

Joined: 8/7/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Love versus neediness. How do you know the difference? Posted: 1/2/2008 7:30:08 AM
I have thought about the difference between love and neediness. Most people have said 'Love gives, Neediness Takes'. This is very true. When you are in a relationship, the true measure is 'what about your cup?' Think of your relationship as a cup.. like a coffee cup (sorry, that is what I am drinking now). In a relationship, you can pour out your energies and emotional strength to the one you are with. Love fills the cup back up. Neediness empties the cup, it never gets refilled. I encourage everyone to use this analogy. When you are in a relationship, periodically check your cup. Does your cup feel full? Or does it feel emptied? hmmm. Herein lies the answer.

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