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Thread: nosy boyfriend's mother

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

nosy boyfriend's mother Posted: 7/4/2009 9:03:24 AM
I read the responses so far to your post and I honestly do not believe that they understand what you are saying or the situation you are in. To criticize you for checking in on your son when you are out of town is just ridiculous. By the way you said your bf looked when he went out of the room tells me one thing for sure, this is not the first time she has done something like this. It is possible that you are dealing with a mom who thinks no one is good enough for her son. What I do in relationship to my bf’s mom is put myself in her shoes first, think about if someone like me was dating my son would I approve. If the question is yes, then obviously it is a problem between the son and the mom, with her not trusting his judgement on the person he wants to be with. You handled it well, because in truth if you criticize the mom it will backfire on you. All you can do if you really want to be with him is have faith that he knows the level of commitment that you have with him. Eventually the mom well come around.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

What is that Vibe she is talking about ???? Posted: 4/4/2008 9:05:42 PM
When I am playing pool with someone that I am interested in, I make sure to always walk towards him to navigate around the table. As the night goes on, I might "accidentally" rub my big guns up against his back. I have also done the classic, can you show me how to line up this shot. When he is behind me with his arms around me so he can hold the cue with me, I grind my bum into his groin.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

Calls, time of day, no romantic actions Posted: 4/1/2008 6:26:43 AM
OP I read your replys to the different messages, and I commend you for the thought process that your putting yourself through to figure what is right for you. You are right, some of your needs are not being met. I was with a guy who was like 90 per cent my ideal guy, the only problem was the ten per cent that was lacking was the most important stuff. I tried and tried to get that other ten per cent, even five per cent from the relationship that I needed, and failed. Why? Simple really, he was not my 99 per cent. Maybe this guy is your 95 per cent, and that 5 per cent that is missing is your emotional needs being met. If you can't compromize that 5 per cent, then yes consider leaving him. I would not say that you do not care for the man, obviously you do. The thing is you are not making the mistake that most of us women have made, putting all his needs before your own. I really do wish you luck.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

advice ASAP Posted: 3/31/2008 8:50:42 PM
I have been in this situation more then a few times where I had been contacted by girlfriends or wives of a few men that i have made contact with through various on-line dating sites. I write back, telling them that they had better keep their man on a tighter leash because he did not mention one word about being attached. I usually thank her for contacting me, saying now I can take that looser off my list.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Question for the women!!?? Posted: 3/31/2008 8:38:46 PM
I agree with some other posters, if it was a voluntary comment, that was in combination of heavy breathing or other signs of her being physically spent, then yes she told you the truth.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 60 (view)

Should the guy give up and move on if the girl can't trust? Posted: 3/31/2008 7:31:32 PM
OP I was going to read through all of the posts, but decided against it. Your question was should a guy leave a girl who is behaving the way you describe and the answer is yes. Most definately. I noticed that when people were starting to call you on your controlling ways, you started to point the finger at him saying he is like that also, etc, even mentioning bruising to get the sympathetic vote maybe. If that part is true then can you say conflict habituated...cause that is what you too are. If I was with a guy who treated me the way you treat him, I would leave before I did end up cheating on him and feeling bad about myself, because lets face it if you are being punished for the crime, you might was well do it.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Calls, time of day, no romantic actions Posted: 3/31/2008 7:18:43 PM
Sunstar I believe that the challenge you might be having in this relationship is that you and he are at different stages in your lives. You still want to go out and do things, go to shows, maybe a play or concert. He is content with going to dinner and then going home and watching tv. My mom and step dad are a lot like what you describe your partner as, except they play cards all the time. They are in their early to mid 70's. Like many of the other posters here, I suggest that you take a good look at this relationship and see what there is that makes you happy about it. Check in with yourself honestly, why did you start seeing him in the first place. What attracted you to someone 21 years older then you. What changed since then. Maybe it is just as I mentioned the different stages in life that you are in, or maybe it is something different. Only sitting down and really thinking about it, possibly writing out a pros and con list is going to solve this issue for you. Good luck.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Stupid....stupid...stupid.... Posted: 3/30/2008 8:31:24 PM
It's funny you mention to not allow it anymore. I haven't been talking to him as much, he actually messaged me after reading this asking me to go with him for coffee. What an interesting development. Maybe he is not as much of a cad as everyone thinks he is. I take this as a good sign that he called you after reading this and invited you out for coffee. He could have given you heck for writing about it.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Emotionally Unavailable Posted: 3/30/2008 7:38:38 PM
When I looked at the title of this thread I really got excited, emotionally unavailable. Hmm I read what was posted and was frustrated to read an accounting of why some men do not show their emotions. IS this the same as emotionally unavailable? To me a guy being emotionally unavailable involves his inability to love someone, and not being able to display his emotions.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

The difference between a fixer and a keeper Posted: 3/30/2008 1:47:24 PM
Well, I am not like you in the respect of being the fixer. I am the keeper, the type of woman that most men say they want to have in their lives, and unfortunately I have been encountering men who are not able to handle the keeper. Like one of the other posters suggested for you, I realized that I was the only common denominator in my dating history so I took a step back and took a good look at myself. What I realized is that I was giving subconscious signals that attracted these men, and signals that scared off the men who could in truth develop the type of relationship I was wanting. Like you, I decided to take myself off the dating roster, however not by hiding like you did. I simply changed my approach. If you really do want to have a different relationship story then you are going to have to do the hard work that is necessary to change whatever it is about you that attracts these men who need fixing. Perhaps it also means taking a look at your relationship needs, maybe in truth you need someone who you can fix. Who knows, the question is for you to answer. For myself, I hope that this new insight and change of focus will change my relationship story

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

is sex something a woman offers in a relationship? Posted: 3/30/2008 1:16:04 PM
Hmm OP there is the rub in itself, for this whole thread is about having sex and not making love. I consider you to be very clever.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 77 (view)

is sex something a woman offers in a relationship? Posted: 3/30/2008 12:30:57 PM
Op, from your posting number 51, you are correct sex is used as a weapon in a relationship, and because you are a man who this has been done to you feel that it is only women who do this. The thing is it is not a gender problem at all, for I have known men who have done the same thing. Maybe it is not the sexual act that they hold back, it is the little nuances that bring his woman pleasure, and only making sure he is satisfied. You also stated that men need sex like they need air; women need it like we need ice cream. Not all women like ice cream. I would think that the saying should be women need sex like we need chocolate. What woman could live without ever tasting chocolate? The thing is, like the Cadbury commercial I like to savor my chocolate, just as I like to savor pleasure. In message number 74 I feel that you are missing what the poster was saying. She was describing a situation of abuse. When it comes to abuse, I am not one of those women who say only men abuse their women, because I know men who have been abused. They too feel the same way as this poster stated, after being destroyed it is hard to feel desire towards the person who did it. I also read your last comment on this post and admit hmmm….seems to me that you are saying that men do not really care who they have sex with as long as they get sex. Is that not what a lot of us women said in this post when we started talking about the initial meeting and why some women feel they are giving sex to someone instead of sharing it. I feel that it comes down to this, that without open honest communication between two people regarding what they are looking for, how they few sex, there is always going to be an imbalance. Maybe that is why this is such a popular subject in the forum.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

logical brain says leave, but emotional heart says stay Posted: 3/30/2008 12:32:24 AM
Well, if this guy is talking about the same woman, then definitely the choice would be to leave. I have found myself in this position where my heart and head do not match, and I have come to the conclusion that I have to also include my gut instincts into the equation. If I am in a situation, no matter what it is and I do not have all three in agreement, then it is the wrong situation and that is that. What I have also learned is that I have to have a general foundation of what I will accept as part of my life and what I will not. If a person that I am interested has habits or is into something that I do not want in my life, then it is simple, that person is not a part of my life period. I know that may seem harsh, however as a mom and grandma I also have to consider the affect that a man would have on my children and grandson, as well as me.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

is sex something a woman offers in a relationship? Posted: 3/30/2008 12:04:25 AM
I have read through this forum and have enjoyed the debate that is going on. I believe the op originally asked why it is that woman feel they are “giving” sex to a man. I guess part of that would depend on the approach of the man in question. Let’s face it, if the woman is not giving any signals that she is into you and you are asking for sex, then yes he is in fact asking her to give it to him. For me, I do not have sex just because I am in the mood. They made toys for that. If I get the feeling that the guy is just out for a quick lay and any woman with the right parts will do, he is asked to go find it someplace else. Sex would happen with me after I have gotten to know someone, felt that there was a strong mutual connection and that we were both looking for the same type of relationship.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Body Odor ? Posted: 3/29/2008 10:57:06 PM
I guess it would depend partially on how many times I have noticed this. If it is a one time thing, I would probably just not stand too close to them. If it is something that happens on a regular basis I would say something. I would ask them if their washer and dryer are working properly because I am noticing a smell coming from their clothes.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

what is the first thing ........ Posted: 3/29/2008 10:48:08 PM
Well I would have to say that the very first thing would be black teeth. I also find that if someone is not clean, as in washing after work or their clothes look and smell like they have not been washed for weeks it is a big turn off. When they talk, if they are not intelligent it is a turn off. If they ramble on and on, yikes. If they try to cop a feel or try to get me into bed with in the first hour then they are gone too.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Kids, Dates, and Sleepovers Posted: 8/25/2007 12:08:08 AM
I have been in the dating scene for ten years already and admit that in the beginning I made a lot of poor choices. Through the years I learned to gauge the people that I intereact with, both male and female friends. IF a man is just going to be a friend then I have no issue introducing him to my kids right away, cause friends tend to stick around of a long time. If a man is someone I am casually dating, with no possible future of a long term relationship developing, I usually date outside the home. When someone comes along who I feel is about 98 per cent compatible with me, and I with him, then I tend to introduce him to my adult kids around the 3rd date, and the younger ones around the 6th. For me, it is important that I find not only someone who is going to be good for me, he should also be good for my kids as well. When it comes to sleep overs, it all depends on how the kids respond to the guy. I usually will ask them what they think about so and so sleeping over, and if they say they would not object, I say yes. If they say no, then it is no.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

disrespectful son... Posted: 8/24/2007 11:41:11 PM
OP I am sorry to hear about your struggle, and imagine that it is not easy for you in the least. The incident that you told us about more then likely is minor, for I am sure he has done worse to you then this. I say this because I too have a child that for the last ten years has treated me with the upmost disrespect one can imagine. I let it really get to me, and then I gave my head a shake and I said no more. She had called me out of the blue and said that if I did not do something that she wanted done I could stop taling to her, I then called and left her a message myself telling her that it was a minor thing that she had done this for, and that I have a lot more things that I could hold against her and that until she is ready to appologize she should not call me. Was that the right solution, nope, so now what I do is take her power away, and do not let what she says or do affect me, cause I know it is a learned behaviour from her dad. Be strong, and get rid of the buttons

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Parental Advice Needed Posted: 8/24/2007 11:24:14 PM
My 9 yr old son sometimes goes through stages where he does not want to sleep in his bed, or after being in his bed will end up in mine. I talked with a few people about this, and one of the suggestions was the bedtime routine, however it did not help with him coming into my bed in the middle of the night. Someone suggested that I lay with him in his bed, and then when he is asleep go down stairs. I found that this worked, and when I am woken up by him in the middle of the night I again go to his bed with him. Usually that just needs another tuck in and kiss, and he is asleep again. I was told that the reason why he has to sleep with me is because he wants to make sure mommy is safe.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 78 (view)

The Things That Come From The Mouth Of Babes. Posted: 8/24/2007 11:14:53 PM
My 9 yr old son and I were having a discussion about peer pressure, as lately he has been hanging around a not too good group of boys. He looked at me and said, I get it mom, and said from now on he is going to be his best friend. At first I thought he meant that he would not have anymore friends, and asked him what he meant. He said no mom, I mean I am going to treat me like my own best friend and tell myself who is good to hang out with and who is bad. A more embarrassing story is my oldest daughter about ten years ago had friends over, and I had left my bra in the livingroom. She grabbed it, put it on her head and said look guys at my new hat (it fit perfectly on her head).

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 46 (view)

Has being online toughened you up emotionally or made you more sensitive? Posted: 8/24/2007 6:29:00 PM
I find that being on line has changed my attitude towards men quite a bit. I used to believe that there was good in everyone, however I am learning that is not entirly true. Trust is not something I give lightly anymore, it is something that someone has to earn. I make sure that when I speak with someone on here that he is not the type that I am not interested in, meaning only looking for sex. I admit, my first thought is that every guy is a player until he prooves himself not to be. IS that fair, not really, and the nice guys can thank the bad guys for that.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

We hear about the bad ones, anyone have a great 1st meet? Posted: 8/24/2007 6:23:15 PM
I remember one time I met this guy at 4 in the morning. I was fighting to stay awake as my daughter was travelling by bus from Regina to Calgary. We were not on here, but on a telephone dating line, and he suggested my coming over to his place. I admit at first I was apprehensive, having heard horror stories of women who go to some guy's place and have difficulty with them cause the guy tries to get some. After some bartering, and him promising to be a gentelman I agreed to come over. When I got to his place I gave him a call, and we talked on the phone as I came into his home. I was pleased to see that he had described himself accurately physcially and soon learned that he indeed was a gentleman. We spent a few hours together in his kitchen, litterally breaking bread and chatting until I had to leave to pick up my daughter. Since then, when ever he and I are on line at the same time, we both do not hesitate to contact each other to see how things are going. AS for meeting people on fish, well the three that I met ended up being horror stories however two of the first meetings were good.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Tattoo show in Calgary on Labour day weekend Posted: 8/16/2007 11:30:02 AM
My 18 yr old daughter has been at me for a long time to get a tattoo done, and when she mentioned she wanted to get one done for her nanny, I said I would do it too. She has been working on the design for my tattoo, and we decided to go together at the end of the month to get them done. I admit I am a virgin when it comes to ink, however I am looking forward to wearing her design cause it is going to make the tattoo extra special. This sounds like something she might want to do, and we just might end up there. Thanks for posting this.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

help? what to do with my daughter? Posted: 8/16/2007 11:19:52 AM
Flamesfan, I have this issue with my 9 yr old son, and did speak with a psychologist about how to deal with this situation. One of the things that was suggested was me putting him down in his bed, and lying with him there till he is asleep. My son is a little bugga though, and sometimes I wake up to find him in bed beside me. I asked her about this as well, and she suggested that even though I am dead dog tired, I get up, and take him back to his bed. I am glad that this is slowly working. From what you are saying your x and you are not co-parenting well together, and I have the funny feeling that she maybe the one who is unapproachable because of you doin this post. I imagine it is rather frustrating that when you try to talk about your daughter with her she tunes you out, and takes it personally. I deal with that in regards to my x husband, and believe me it is hardest on our kids. We have a grandson together, and our daughter has to do everything seperate. When they are having parites, have significant things like grads, and such it is equally hard on them cause he and his GF cannot be civil to me. It is unfair to the kids that parents can't let go of their personal annimosities, and I hope you two can find some middle ground for her sake. Good luck.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Why is sex so casual these days? Posted: 8/14/2007 5:40:23 PM
I have to admit OP that I am a little curious as to why you have picked this topic. Has a woman come along that you are considering giving your virginity too. I agree with you that we are very casual about sex these days, and my x boyfriend pointed out that he has noticed that more and more women are wanting to have sex on the first date. I feel that there is nothing wrong with waiting, and nothing wrong with wanting it to be special. I know when my daughter asked me about when is the right time to have sex, I said to her when the idea of being completely naked in front of someone does not bug you a bit. I also feel that you should not have sex with someone until you are able to discuss the consequences of having sex, and I do not just mean babies and STD's either. One has to make sure that the person we are having sex with has a similar attitude when it comes to sex, cause if we don't it is a mess for sure.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Why does a friendship have to change after sex? Posted: 8/14/2007 5:23:48 PM
I am wondering a few things here OP, such as who started the conversation between your friend and you in regards to shifting your friendship up a gear? I also am wondering why you feel you are not ready for a committed relationship? One of the biggest errors that we make with our friends is not talking about stuff with them, especially this subject. If you are mutually attracted to each other, both like each other, and both feel that the dreaded committed relationship (another thread I think) is not possible right now, why not. Honestly, if you and he cannot talk about it then you know it is going to ruin the friendship so don't do it.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Ladies...is this par for the online dating course? Posted: 8/14/2007 5:12:41 PM
Firstly, I have been out of my marriage for over a decade, and in my dating experience I have learned to avoid the recently separated/divorced/just out of a LTR types who are just fishing. Secondly, well, what can I say, welcome to the world of dating. I, as a woman that is, have gone through that lots of times with men and have been left wondering the same thing. Believe me, it does not take me long to say next if the guy appears to be doing that. Oh yeah, in regards to if this is playing or not....nope...that is more like someone scoring with everyone they date, using them to buy you stuff, and so on.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Closure Posted: 8/13/2007 10:13:25 PM
I do not think that it is strange at all. With the reminders of him there it is really hard. If give away is what you want to do, you might try joining freecycle.org. It is in yahoo groups.

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

are you open minded? Posted: 8/13/2007 10:07:53 PM
I know on the telephone dating lines, being open minded means willing to have phone sex. Does it mean must be willing to have cyber sex on here? lol. Many a time I have said hmm, I thought being open minded meant you are willing to consider someone elses idea's, be open to different cultures, trying a new activitiy like going roller blading or skiing if you have never done it before. I believe that maybe this like other "catch phrases" are just fluff that people add to their profiles to make them look good. Have you ever asked them what they are open minded about or what their definition is of it?

Joined: 8/9/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Responsibility Posted: 8/13/2007 10:03:01 PM
I make a point of having some down time from my family, be it going for a walk, out for coffee with friends. The other day I went for a long walk, stopped at a playground and swung on a swing for awhile. Now is that acting like a kid or what!

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