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nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 201 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/25/2009 1:46:37 PM
Silken, I know in the same way you do. Dew you're making some wild assumptions here ! I convinced him that he absolutely in no way whatsoever was going to get what he wanted and he vanished. Look, you said initially that he was in the vicinity of your grandchild, a 100 miles away right, and that he'd been CONVICTED where your friend was concerned (regardless of the inadequate sentencing), I cannot believe that the police (however lazy the town) or even the school teachers (however relaxed and unaware at the time), wouldn't have responded if you'd raised the alert and given them all the details. Put it this way, if I got a call from MY MUM saying that there was a violent nutter on the way to hurt my child I would swing into action. Going 100 miles to meet him doesn't sound right, you could have stalled him until you got yur grandson to safety, without meeting him, he waited long enough for one or the other of you to get a 100 miles right ?, even met the police around the corner from where he was so that they could see he was hanging around your grandson and that the threats to kill were real. I've had to slap an injunction on a guy who got scary in my past, not a sociopath, equally as mental as your guy though when it comes to "skills", but it illustrated how rubbish the system is here in the UK at any rate. You and I are very different people, with very different viewpoints.My reaction to the situation was very different to yours, and my approach to them is not the same as yours, this doesn't mean that I wasn't in the same, or nearly the same situation, but he vanished, it worked and I wasn't hurt. Not everyone thinks and feels the same way that you do in the exact same situation. I was asking JT questions, because I thought it was an extremely rare opportunity to actually get it from the horses mouth, if we believe that he is in fact the horse, how often are you actually going to get a chance to ask a sociopath why or how they do the things that they do and they freely offer the information ? You should care, selective compassion is evil right ? A lot of the points you made earlier I don't agree with at all, doesn't make sany kind of sense to me at all, taking one, about JT's kids...you totally ignored his comments about bedtime stories, being a good providor, kisses and hugs when they come to find him and stuck straight in at how evil he is for raising mini sociopaths right ? so do you want me to go back to each point and evry single point you made ? I feel war and peace coming on...... And you are absolutely right, I don't know what a couple of you are talking about.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 107 (view)

birthing stories!!! Posted: 11/25/2009 12:56:10 PM
I had a little too much gas and air also. My doctor smelt absolutely divine, I asked him what he scent he was wearing. He says "concentrate" I say "I haven't heard fo that one before, who's it by?" He says, firmly "no, concentrate ! the baby's coming now!"

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 199 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/25/2009 12:45:03 PM
ok, we're going to have to agree to disagree here, I'm firmly in the camp of being sceptical of any scientific viewpoint that's been written by someone with firm religious views. My opinion, you have yours, is that by saying that someone is evil is implying that thier goal is to cause pain. I'm sure it is in the case of sadists, but isn't sociopathy is more about them just satisfying thier needs, not even thinking about whether it's going to cause pain or not, whether it's right or wrong. So you're a fan of this guy, here's it again Peck considers those he calls evil to be attempting to escape and hide from their own conscience (through self deception) and views this as being quite distinct from the apparent absence of conscience evident in sociopathy[3]. so, am I wrong or does he not aknowledge sociopaths as evil ? edit. actually he agrees with me if you go backl to my earlier posts :)

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 197 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/25/2009 12:15:48 PM
And he explains it without resorting to religion. Peck's works combined his experiences from his private psychiatric practice with a distinctly religious point of view. In his second book, People of the Lie, he wrote, "After many years of vague identification with Buddhist and Islamic mysticism, I ultimately made a firm Christian commitment — signified by my non-denominational baptism on the ninth of March 1980..." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Scott_Peck ....really?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 194 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/25/2009 11:41:55 AM
Hey silken, I'm sorry you're upset but, you're wrong. Take a look at my other posts, there's one about a relationship with a sociopath. I've had the same experiences as you where they're concerned, there's a very specific way to deal with them, including trying to deal with an inadequate judicial system BUT something about your justification of why you ran to him sounds fishy to me that's all. Where do I admit that I know nothing about this ? ok an edit..not hard to figure out No where have I said you weren't justified in reporting him for flaming, and nowhere have I said socioptahs shouldn't follow the rules. By holy war I mean calling sociopaths evil. Why are you responding like sociopaths have a choice about how they behave ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 189 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/25/2009 8:37:22 AM
Frankly, I kinda like it when sociopaths don't like me. It proves that we really can transcend Hell and that there's very little truth to the fact that we "attract" them... Um, I am the only one here, except for the actual sociopath, that realises that when a sociopath has no need for you or realises that they can't get something they want from you then they completely ignore you ? I don't see the justification for your triumph here silken, unless you think that someone miles away from you with family commitments would want something from you in particular ? Why would they bother when they can trip out to the local store to find someone, why would they bother responding to you at all ? You've had some responses, his motives are obviously selfish, this is his sharing to strangers that he talks about which does him good - not you. I think it's fascinating that, assuming we can believe he's actually been diagnosed, you have had an opportunity to learn how to avoid people like this in the future by trying to understand why and how he does the things he does.....and yet you've turned this into some kind of holy battle against a man, that essentially has not done anything to you in particular. You've made it about as emotional as you can. I don't see why you don't understand that this person doesn't care. You keep trying to transfer your emotional responses onto him and all the other sociopaths out there - this is utterly futile don't you see ? These people are not evil. Evil is having a concience and doing it anyway. These people are different, not that I'd ever want to be involved with one, but then I think my storng sense of logic is probably what's kept me from getting hurt by one. Is logic a sociopath's worst nightmare and emotion thier wet dream ? Perhaps. Despite your text book quotes of sociopathic disorder you actually had a real live one here and you still completely seemed to have failed to grasp in any real sense what sociopaths are about. Back to the OP. I think the answer here is clear. There is no way to tell if someone really is a sociopath until they are not getting what they want. The important thing is what you do when you realise for sure that they are. I appreciate that the legal system is completely inadequate when dealing with threats to harm and sophisticated stalking, intimidation, ways of hurting someone without actually breaking the law e.t.c. but it's surely got to be about preparing for them actually do what they say they'll do if you don't comply, hoping that they won't, but never, ever, actually doing what they want you to do because they have threatened you or even carried out thier threats. "he figured out where I would go and showed up in the vicinity, threatening that if I did not come to him, he would strangle my grandson.", were you closer to your grandson than he was, why didn't you call the police and call everyone you knew and guard your grandson instead of going to him, he already had a record by now of following through which would have given strength to your complaint against him because of your friend ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 162 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/24/2009 2:02:47 AM
Ok, everyone please stop me if I'm completely going off topic. Thanks for your honest reply JT. I've got some more questions, about your kids really, of course you know that you don't have to answer them here. What's the main benefit of having them ? You mentioned that they give you a sense of being normal, maybe like everyone else. Are they purely a means to end, some way of trying to appear a certain way so that you can achieve what you want to achieve for yourself ? Do you have compassion for your children ? Lastly, what would you feel if another sociopath hurt them, I'm really talking about if someone for example met your daughter and took all her money, made sure she didn't have any friends to control her ? Would it matter to you, assuming that money and friends are things that she needs to make her feel happy. I'm not sure if you can understand this, I hope I'm explaining it in a way that you can. Would you still think it was your daughter's fault in some way for being weak, as you've said before, although you don't understand it you tend to think that people who say that they've been hurt must have deserved it, or done something themselves to bring it on, that the person saying they are hurt have caused it in some way. Would you think that your children would have caused the other sociopath to hurt them in some way ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 155 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath? Posted: 11/24/2009 12:32:39 AM
I have a direct question for JT, I think it's back on topic and I'm going to assume you are diagnosed. This is rare opportunity to try and understand. How does it help you to share with strangers like this ? Do you feel any differently by doing so and how do you feel differently ? Do you feel any less contempt for the people here who express themselves as hurt by sociopaths ? Is there anyway, as a neurotypical person (lots of people in "the pack" here have mentioned being part of "us" and "normal"), that someone could "humanise" themselves to you and evoke any real compassion in any way at all ? Do you get lonely ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 764 (view)

Slept with 83 people Posted: 11/23/2009 1:20:10 AM
I'm going to hazard a guess that this sensible reply won't count for much with the guys here with a madonna complex ! If you were 26 and in a relationship since 19 years old and had sex 83 times in 7 years, once a month - that wouldn't be very much would it ? Seems the crux of the matter here is that it's been with different people, and thats why a few of the guys and women here are calling her a slut......doesn't make sense to me. Realistically, a 19 year girl could go out once a month and meet a guy she wants to have sex with, use protection, be safe and sane about it, do this for seven years, and shye would not be a slut. If she's telling the truth then she's an honest girl....many, many, many women will manipulate men and say that the number is between 5-10 (so as not to hurt thier fragile ego's and buy into the madonna/whore thing) when you can easily add a 0 onto that number. It's an unspoken rule guys... So what do you prefer to know, the truth or not ? I think it would be prudent to look at whether she's had long term relationships, is she faithful in these relationships, is she ready to settle down, does she believe in fidelity and marriage with the right person, has her promiscuity been because she's fussy about who she settles down with but is confident to enjoy sex this wayor is it because she has really been looking for something more meaningful but can't make it work or has deeper issues that need resolving ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 109 (view)

Men and self esteem Posted: 11/22/2009 12:14:40 AM
Actually I think almost everyone except psychopaths are born with a conscience. I'm sorry but I think this statement's tosh. Having a concience is not the same as self esteem. People are not born with a concience, again it's something that's shaped. Devoid of conditioning of any kind we revert to basic primeaval survival instincts, far removed from our fine western sensibilities. Imagine being shown that going to university and career ambition is a waste of time and that people who do that are stupid when they could get money so much more easily from selling drugs,or being told that you are stupid and worthless and living your life thinking and believing that, or being shown that men are pieces if sh*t to be used and abused and that meaningful, respectful relationships with them is futile, or that as a man your lot in life is to put up and shut up and that you play second fiddle to women who have your babies and have you by the short and curlies because of a biased judicial system ? It happens. Without proper role models it's almost impossible to escape, you need to SEE other people that you identify with doing the right thing and doing well. Without a mother or father showing thier daughter and sons that men and women are to be respected by the way they act and interact, there's little lead to follow. Coming back to the OP's thread, one of the most damaging statements I hear over and over again is "boys are stupid" and I'm always amazed that mother's don't pick thier daughter's up on this, similarly with girls - "girls are sissies" and father's don't pick thier sons up on this. It's widely accepted as part of our culture and part of growing up, the "secret" boys club, the "secret" girls club where the other sex is to be ridiculed and this is backed up by the adults of the same sex. I'm tired of female chauvenism in particular, it's hurting our men.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 103 (view)

Men and self esteem Posted: 11/21/2009 7:33:26 AM
You build self esteem by living up to your OWN highest ideals. I feel an endless circular aguement coming on..again....ok so where do you get your inspiration for your ideals from then ? it's not something you're born with, it's something you learn, from your environmnet, your conditioning, the influences of primarily your parents if they are around (the age before 5 is when our personalities are very moldable), and then later on your peers, and then later on it's your parents again. If your dada is a bank robber and tells you everyday...sonny/girlie.....one day you'll be an amazing bank robber, that'd make me proud, only the very fastest and cleverest of us can rob banks like I can. Then your aspiration will to be a bank robber, this will be your highest ideal unless you are influenced in a stronger way by someone other than your parents and immediate family/peers. So when you finally do that perfect bank job...bam! bags of self-esteem. I'm sorry, I've had enough of the waffle in this place today, not feeling very tolerant. We need to teach our kids respect for men and women and lead by our example - role model

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 94 (view)

Men and self esteem Posted: 11/21/2009 12:55:11 AM
The Dove adverts are nothing to do with helping women with thier self-esteem, it's about widening thier marketing net by making thier product more desirable to the average woman. The fundamental message is "you have to buy stuff and spend time putting this stuff on to look and therefore feel good". When I see an advert of someone like me, with my scruffy confortable jeans on, no make up, forgot to brush my hair again after getting out of the bath, wearing hand-me downs from other family members because honestly I cannot stand buying clothes and wear them till they are not able to be repaired again or don't fit for some reason - not selling anything, but just saying that it's good to look this way..then I'll believe that the ad is genuinely trying to help women with thier self-esteem issues. There are no commercials anywhere trying to improve the self-esteem of anyone. There are however, a distinct lack of male role-models in the media and also in education (which is female dominated), particularly black male role models. IN THE FIRST INSTANCE THOUGH...... It is the job of father's BUT ALSO MOTHER'S, to show thier son's AND DAUGHTER'S, to be respectful of men, this is the only way to improve the self-esteem of young men and boys. Daughter's AND SON'S by the same token, must be shown by thier mother's and FATHER'S to be respectful of women. Incidentally, it doesn't frigging matter whether the parents are mummy and mummy, daddy and daddy, or mummy and daddy, or daddy used to be mummy and daddy, or mummy used to be daddy and mummy or any other combination OR a single parent in the true sense of the word, or resident and non-resident parent, or co-parents that don't live together........you see what I'm trying to say here ! ISN'T IT FANTASTIC THAT NO MATTER WHAT SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR MARITAL STATUS YOU ARE, EVERYONE CAN SHOW THIER KIDS RESPECT FOR MEN AND WOMEN ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Second marriages, do they work? Posted: 11/16/2009 10:36:02 AM
I'd have to say that looking at a lot of women that I know that have done this....no, they don't. However, it's fairly clear to see why. The women, newly divorced with toddlers, not working, can't afford thier former lifestyle, meet guy in 30's looking for rent-a-womb, convince themselves in thier desparation that this is the one, get pregant quickly to ensure security, get married even quicker. Toddlers and babies start growing up pretty quick, guy expects her to actually get a job and starts getting narked that she doesn't, woman might feel that she can actually maintain her lifestyle on 2 lots of child support payments, will make another lot of money from sales of marital home again and decides she's going to cut loose for good. I actually know some women that are on thier third and fourth cycle of this. The one on her fourth was the ex of someone I saw for a while and was able to outright put down almost £100k on a house with her next childless husband because she'd rolled together her previous three divorce settlements, and all on working part-time a few hours a week in a chemists and a supermarket (token gestures towards new husband during the brief moments when she wasn't pregnant). p.s., I paid my husband off when we split as everything belonged to me and he never worked although he looked after our daughter for 6 months when I went back to work, cost me £6K.....mmmmm I'm doing something wrong here !

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

I don't care that he did, but WHY DID HE HAVE TO LIE? Posted: 11/14/2009 12:57:12 AM
OP, there has to be the same rule for noth of you. It's unlikely that he's just innocently chatting if he told you to delete your POF tab as you didn't need it anymore. If he was just innocently chatting then he'd have no problem with your POF tab and talking to you about how you're using your profile. If he's messing around, then he's likely to demand that you stop using POF altogether. This is just my take. You could talk to him about it, I feel stongly that he'd feed you a load of BS about it though. You need to be explicit with him, ask him why he said you didn't need to use POF anymore but he is still using it, be honest about going on here to speak to a friend and seeing him on-line before you ask him why he's acted like this ? Do this after you've calmed down and choose the right time, but do it soon, and before you're intimate with him again, or spend time with him again, and take it from there. I have to say, I'm not normally quick to judge, but this doesn't sound good. Sorry, best of luck with it.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Embarrassing moments brought to you by your kids Posted: 11/14/2009 12:45:23 AM
oh, oh, oh, I just remembered the "microphone" incident....... My daughter was 3 when she found my "jolly green giant" dildo (this was a good lesson in learning to hide my stuff better)....... I had my mum and sister around and she walked into the room with it in her hand, held it out to me and said "mummy, why have you got a microphone in your knicker draw" ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Embarrassing moments brought to you by your kids Posted: 11/14/2009 12:40:45 AM
This one's the most recent, my daughter's 9. I have to explain first that my stepmother is an excellent cook, I love her food. I visited my Dad and stepmum the other weekend, we were chatting for a while and my stepmum asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day, my daughter chirped up "mum says that if we hang around long enough you might feed us later" OMG!!!!! My daughter realised the instant she said it that she probably shouldn't have by the look of dismay on my face. My stepmum has a great sense of humour, fortunately, and replied to my daughter.............. "ok, don't worry your secret with your mum is safe with me"

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 92 (view)

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop Posted: 11/9/2009 12:09:58 AM
OP, in your defense, if you want to celebrate your sensuality with your profile pics...then blimmin good on you Ok, you know your vulnerable to becoming entangled in co-dependant relationships. Take what you originally said about this guy apart, step back, look at it for what it is. Sounds like there is a lot about him that really upsets you. Do you think any of his problems can be sorted ? Or are there so many issues that it would take you the rest of your life and maybe only when you'd wasted that time would you realsie you've been stuck with someone that wasn't right for you and have been banging your head against a wall for nothing ? You are a very sexual person (hurrah!) the sexual dysfunction he has will grow resentment in you and really affect your confidence over time (love the erector set comment - I can totally relate - did that for a year and a half). For some bizarre reason a lot of men with sexual dysfunction go for very sexual women ???...mental ! Best of luck with your decision.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

Have you ever fallen in love with a sociopath?? Posted: 11/7/2009 1:03:31 AM
I haven't fallen in love with one, but spent a couple of months seeing one a few years back. It was a real eye opener. I think that honestly the only way to tell is to establish what they want from you, don't give it to them and see how they react. Sociopaths I think will invariably will react by just completely dismissing you and walking away if they truely realise that they are not going to get what they want. You are there to serve a need that they have, no other reason. If you cannot provide that need they will quickly move on to seek gratification elsewhere. Of course if they think they can intimidate you into giving it to them, then this situation becomes dangerous. If they have any idea that they will get what they want then they will carefully weigh up whether it is worth the effort to keep trying to get it from you, or move on to the next person who seems a likely candidate. The tricky part to this of course is working out what it is they want from you. It could be money, somewhere to live, or your connection to something or someone that they want. It could simply be just power over you that they want. If they are a narcissist then it will be to feed thier ego in some way. Not all sociopaths and narcissists are killers, or even obviously violent. They are adept at mimicking real concern and caring emotion to manipulate you into getting what they want. Once they are sure they have power over you, you will start to see what they really want.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

What kind of guy do you want to marry? Posted: 11/3/2009 1:12:34 AM
I often wonder... if the men described in these checklists posted the profiles of the women they wanted to spend the rest of their life with... how closely they would match up.... Incidious. For passing judgement on the quality of the man I can expect to attain - there's a saying here in Wales.........you're narsty.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 357 (view)

The truth about Introverts. Posted: 11/3/2009 12:41:15 AM
I looked into this many years ago, to try and help me with my relationships at work, I've always been the queen of inappropriate statements. I'm an MB type INTJ, and reading up on the other personality types has helped me try and relate (with varying degrees of success) to extroverts. My sister is an extrovert and we seem to have been able to eventually reach some kind of compromise. I understand that she feels hurt and rejected when I don't want to spend time with her and so I make my best effort to socialise when I just want to hibernate. She understands that I feel better on my own and makes her best effort not to get upset and feel rejected, hopefully she understands that me wanting to be alone has nothing to do with how I feel about her, I tell her often that I love her, she tells me often that she loves me too. Occassionally we lose our tempers when we are frustrated SIS: do you want to come to a gig Saturday ? ME: I think I'm just going to relax at home ? SIS: Thanks a bunch ! ME: I've had a hectic week, maybe we could do somthing else ? SIS: OK, I'll come over for dinner instead. ME: Cool So neither of us have what we want, but we value each other's feelings and reach a compromise. We drive each other crazy sometimes, but it's important to remember what you value about each other instead of feeling resentful that someone doesn't understand you. Extroverts and Introverts can get on, but it takes understanding and a lot of pateince on both sides.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Wanted : A Chemistry drug ! Posted: 11/1/2009 3:28:32 PM
I was starting to give up on chemistry as well, but I can assure you it's not an age thing, it still happens. I met someone who knocked my socks off recently, second date he turned out to have fatal character flaw that I didn't see coming. He was charming, intelligent, loaded, hard working, sexy and had impeccable manners, up until date number 2 (otherwise there wouldn't have been date number 1). So my hope is rekindled that chemistry will happen again and one day, without the fatal flaw ! edit..... I've tried to nuture physical chemistry with someone that I have intellectual, emotional and spiritual chemistry with...no, no, no, big mistake, you cannot make physical chemistry happen over time, it's either there..or never will be.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

dating a drug (ecstasy) user Posted: 10/28/2009 1:45:17 AM
janedoe, if you feel romantic towards him then walk away unless he decides for himself that he wants to get it sorted and does something about it. Him deciding for himself doesn't include you saying that you wished he'd get it sorted and then him agreeing that he's going to get it sorted to keep your romantic interest. If you are happy being just friends, and by that I mean you can imagine youself still being his friend if you have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend, then gently support him from a distance, although this will possibly only work properly if you haven't slept with him.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

Extra large age gap between children? Posted: 10/28/2009 1:10:42 AM
I think I read somehwre that the optimum agae gap between children is 5 years. My daughter is nine now and I'm still not sure whether I'll have any more. I'm 37 at the moment and planning to retire in my mid-forties so I guess it's still an option (assuming that my fertility age is still ok...must go get that checked out). It's encouraging to read here the stories of siblings wih very large age gaps growing closer as they get older. I've always felt a little selfish because I didn't pop out 2 or three in a row, as all my friends seemed to do. Personally I think that children very close together compete a lot, this isn't always a good thing. There are months rather than years between my sister and I, and her and my brother. We do have a younger sister (there are 5 years between her and my brother) who has a different Dad, we all left home very early and she stayed home for a long time, so I think our relationship is different with her because she was the only one at home for a long time and the dynamic between her and our mother was very different than what we had with our mother. I'm hoping that the relationship will get closer as she gets older but no sign of that as yet.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 116 (view)

Robot lovers - yes or no? Posted: 10/28/2009 12:56:02 AM
anthropic principle and demonstrable in physics it is possible for AI to spontaneously evolve in highly complex processors I agree that this is inevitable, we will not understand how to replicate or "build" free will in AI, but it will happen. it is us that aren't too far removed from machines rather than the other way around. There is some fascinating legitimate research being done now that is going about proving that the soul is merely neurons firing, the sooner this fact is accepted then the sooner we will realise that the soul IS the brain, and it dies when the brain dies. Then we can really begin exploring and understanding free will. average will be HOT as hell. It'll be like walking around China.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Closed Minded Sugarcoated Love Posted: 10/25/2009 12:41:12 AM
OP, I had a relationship with a guy that had a controlling, god fearing "what will the neighbours say" mother like yours. I genuinely believe that she's ruined his life. He was terrified of everything and took all his bitterness about his mother out on me.She stripped away all the tools he needed to be a confident person and happy in relationships, he had no resilience. He was an alcoholic, anorexic, spending thousands of pounds on clothes and CD's just to stack them up in cupboards or in the loft, with intimacy problems that resulted in him being almost completely impotent with women. He was nasty, resentful, demanding, attention seeking, claustrophobic and completely emotionally crippled. Soory to give you the stock standard "go get councelling" response, but you need to talk about your mother with a professional. As for interrogating your 5 year old daughter about the way your friends dress and imposing her paper thin values about dress code onto her....noooooooooooo!!! Personally I wouldn't have my daughter around someone like this who is so judgemental about the way people dress.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

If the soul dies with the brain does this change how we view our actions ? Posted: 10/23/2009 2:37:19 PM
What was happening in the brain of the child (who was brain-dead at the time) when there was no brain activity? I think it's important to make a distinction here between irreversible brain death and no brain activity. When the brain/soul has been damaged enough it dies, the same as every other organ in the body. As with other organs, they can be temporarily starved of oxygen with minimal damage done, and when the oxygen supply returns, so does the function of that organ. Whilst starved though, it ceases to function until enough damage is done to it that it irreversibly dies. Unlike almost every other organ in the body, it cannot be replaced and the recipient retain thier essence, thier soul. I am aware that there are reported cases of people recieving transplants and gaining some kind of memory of the donor, or aquiring new tastes and preferences, but I am not convinced there is enough evidence to support that other tissues contain elements of the soul. I am firmly in the camp, that during operations, the brain is affected and that this is actually the result of personality changes in the recipient and that when these changes coincide (such as prefering different food or music) with a discovery that the donor also had these new preferences, people put 2 and 2 together to make 5. When there is no brain activity at all, then nothing happens, or very little happens. I would argue strongly that it's very difficult to measure brain activity during a cardiac arrest situation and that this is not standard procedure, so actually who knows how much of the brain is damaged, how much brain activity there actually is. One method used to measure brain activity during these situations is pupil reflex, but without actually taking scans (*scans) I think it'd be difficult to say for sure that there is no brain activity. (started out my life as an ECG girl, medical technical officer in Cardiology so I've seen hundreds of people die, some come back and some go for good - even have my own story about a guy who astrally sat on the stairs and watched me go past with my ecg machine to his cardiac arrest) One of the interesting things about the program was that it has now been proved that some people who present as completely vegatative, in a coma, are actually very concious. Without explaining the detail, the scientific research in this area is conculsive. I think it's exciting to realise that when the brain dies, then so does the soul. I believe that labouring under the notion that the soul has elements that are separate from the brain will keep us in the dark for longer, keep us from making the most of our lives and brains. Once we realise that the brain is everything then we can fully explore and play around with our conciousness, exploring astral travel, healing e.t.c.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

If the soul dies with the brain does this change how we view our actions ? Posted: 10/23/2009 2:37:34 AM
There was a program aired on british TV this week http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00nhv56/Horizon_20092010_The_Secret_You/ It suggests that some of the current work being done in the field of neurology proves that the concept of duality is a myth, and also that conciousness is merely neurons firing, and also that when the brain dies so does conciousness. If it is proved one day that the soul dies irretrievably with the brain how would this affect your view of your actions during life. This question is primarily for those who believe in reincarnation, I personally don't. Is it all the more important to get things right in one lifetime, be more mindful of your actions and thier immediate (single human lifespan) consequences, take full responsibility for your actions because your actions are not influenced by any previous soul incarnations ? Or does it make what we do to each other and ourselves more trivial and less important because after we are gone and the people that we have affected are gone.....it is all simply that - gone ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 85 (view)

Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy Posted: 10/22/2009 12:33:11 AM
I used to feel fine about sleeping with people straight away but I've realised that for me, and sometimes the other person involved, this is not the way to go. As a woman right slap bang in the middle of my sexual prime, it's difficult not to have sex with people I don't feel I have a future with. There are ways around this though, I'm not strictly celibate, I meet my own needs often ! I'm not a huge fan of marriage, so when/if I do meet "the one" there will be a point at which I know that I want to have sex because I'm really serious about the person. Too often in the past I've slept with someone that I deep down knew I didn't feel serious about, and then tried to make a relationship with them because sex kind of bonds you to a person and maybe even gets in the way a little of you really getting to know them. I'm not religious, and have a lot of "experience", I'm a bad girl gone good perhaps.I've had a few celibate dates, and I think it's fair to let someone know your not interested pretty soon and go you separate ways than sleep with them because it's expected. Saying that, for people who know absolutely that they are in love and they keep waiting until marriage, I don't see the point in this personally.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

Intimacy Issues Posted: 10/21/2009 6:20:39 AM
I feel I must post again after reading some of the responses here, to clarify that there are two main causes of touch aversion; TRAUMA NEURODIVERSITY From everything the OP has posted, this is presenting as touch aversion due to a neuropathalogical cause. Incidentally, she's presenting as a very analytical and objective personality also.......mmmmmm. If this is the case; It is not unhealthy, it is fact, it is different. It cannot be cured, or even treated, just managed by way of teaching coping techniques to the person with touch aversion who feels they want to accept physical touch from other people without physically looning out on someone. The feelings of utter horror, revulsion, discomfort and sometimes actual physical pain (particularly from light touch) will never abate. It may be that a person with this can learn techniques to appear outwardly calm and even express outwardly that they are enjoying this touch. If touch aversion is due to neurodiversity, for example being autistic, then touch aversion is constant and consistent and not in fact related in anyway at all to the intimacy felt towards the person trying to do the touching. Neurological touch aversion is indiscriminate, you will loathe the love of your life touching even when you know they are trying to express that they value you, love you or are trying to reassure you or make you feel better in some way - just as much as you will loathe a complete stranger brushing you on your arm accidentally on the bus. Dare I suggest that the enormous pressure levied by society and neurotypical individuals, to display, affirm and reaffirm their status with other individuals by touching is relentless and overwhelming, perhaps even seen as completely futile and pointless by people who are neurologically different. Considering that people who are neurotypical are supposed to possess a keen "theory of mind", that is they realsise that other people think and feel differently in situations (something that people on the spectrum alledgedly lack, although it is rammed down thier throats every day that everyone else thinks differently - fit in or f*ck off right ?), I am constantly dissapointed when the herd turns on someone who does, shouting that they must be fixed, that they are broken and if they can't be fixed then must be excluded and isolated from the rest. To the OP, I hope you find the actual cause of this touch aversion, if it does indeed turn out to be neurological, I can assure you that you will be able to find someone who doesn't want to touch you all the time, doesn't want to be touched back, and also that there are some pretty good coping techniques out there if you want to pursue being able to be touched without recoiling......counting in my head (don't do this out loud, people get even more freaked out!) works for me, also patting the other person on the back as a non-verbal cue that I'd like it to end, also anticipation is everything. Try not to do touching when you are generally feeling stressed or overloaded and try to make sure no-one touches you by suprise as you're more likely to outwardly react badly. Rant over, normal service resumes.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Intimacy Issues Posted: 10/20/2009 2:24:36 PM
It's called touch aversion, it can be part of the set of symptoms observed in people diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. Yours sounds neuropathalogical. If it is then you need to find someone who doesn't need to touch you to feel secure and have a fulfilling relationship. I can relate, it's particularly difficult being a woman as people often touch you without invitation and expect you to be tactile. Avoid all profiles like the plague that say they are affectionate or tactile. There are a suprising number of people in the same boat as you, check it out. Best of luck with it.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

And what was your part in it? Posted: 10/20/2009 12:39:42 AM
I'll talk about my marraige then. I don't think I'm righteous and judgemental though so perhaps I shouldn't be replying. I expected too much, I wasn't realistic.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

Man vs Woman Posted: 10/19/2009 12:46:35 AM
The rift (Torchwood?) has always been there and always will be RIP Yanto.....I digress. we'd simply be complaining about relationships in general...........I don't know if people will ever be able to properly see beyond "male problems" and "female problems" to only see "problems. I agree, in same sex relationships there are still plenty of complaints just about the dynamics of the relationship, the power struggle between the two people at the centre. Remove the gender difference and there are still problems. It should be somewhat easier to get right down to the crux of the problems because issues shouldn't arise pureley on the basis of a stereotyping of gender behaviour and roles, but it isn't. I digress into nerdy land again.........curious that captain Jack is bi-sexual trying to save humanity from the evil that comes and threatens to destroy it through the rift ?? (I made a super-geek funny!)

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 51 (view)

I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys Posted: 10/18/2009 12:51:32 AM
Firstly, I'm not sure I really survived, yep I'm still breathing..but it will always be with me and is something I can never let go of. Get more councelling, try different shrinks and therapists. I still pick up therapy every now and then, have been doing so for 17 years and honestly I can't see a time yet in my life where i'll not need to keep "topping up". Another thing I've realised is that I'm "special needs". By this I mean that anyone who I want to be close with has to have some basic level of understanding about my past and how it still effects me. This is something that I have to communicate. That perhaps I am more fearful, distrusting and isolated as a person than other people who haven't gone through it. This is something that is irretrievably woven into my fabric. Our early life experiences shape who we are and can't be "undone" by therapy, but therapy can help us rationalise our feelings and put things into perspective, gives us a better chance of succeeding in building lasting relationships and being able to trust. This doesn't mean that I am not capable of trust and closeness, just that it will naturally take longer with someone like me. I do believe that the extra work is worth it and that I can be happy with someone who understands that. Baby steps have been mentioned a lot by other posters here and I think it applies for both yourself and any potential love interest. I wish you peace.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 716 (view)

Porn in a relationship Posted: 10/13/2009 2:00:56 AM
I haven't read the other posts, but I'd say that most porn is actually a barrier to intimacy. So I guess if you want intimacy with your SO, then ditch the porn and concentrate on them, on using your imagination whilst with them rather than pre-concieved images that are presented to you. I rarely use porn when I'm single now, although I have done a lot in the past. I enjoy where my imagination can take me more than watching stuff that doesn't go the way I want it to.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 215 (view)

Best question ever asked. Posted: 10/12/2009 10:14:16 AM
you need to come to Wales, the land of Dragons and Celtic Goddesses.....there's a saying here, popular amoungst my girl friends. "Welsh Women, we'll friend you, feed you, fight you and f**k you" Ok, perhaps not quite what you're looking for on the submissive front.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 1195 (view)

Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist? Posted: 10/12/2009 10:01:29 AM
yes I did. It was fun as long as he was getting what he wanted to make him feel good. So this actually meant that as long as I figured out what appealed to his narcisism, I could also get what I needed to be happy. for example...he was a lot like toad (wind in the willows - actually I did call him toady but not to his face).........and he loved to boast about how clever he was, rich he was, good in bed he was, amazing with women. So I trained him. If he did something that I wanted him to do again, I told him how clever/rich/amazing with women he was for doing it. However, I did recognise that nothing he ever did, or would ever do, would be because he cared for me, if you can get your head around this, and accept that his ego can be primed by anyone (meaning that you'll never be anything special to him) then it can work, for a time I guess.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 412 (view)

Do men really like submissive women? Posted: 10/12/2009 1:40:20 AM
To answer the OP...some men do. My problem is more that I'm dominant outside of the bedroom and only sexually submissive, and only sexually submissive with the right man. I've been "accused" of "topping from the bottom" with some dominant wannabe's that just don't get it. Very rarely, in fact only once in my whole life to date have I actually found a man that I feel I respect enough to completely submit to. This means that every other sexual encounter has been where I've assumed some dominance, which hurts my soul and leaves me depressed and cold. Now I am chaste rather than put myself through this any more. I can relate somewhat to the OP though. The BDSM scene, although fun, has a finite lifespan for most that enter into it. That's not where I'm looking, as with anything, fanatics are boring. This is not what my life is about and with any scene, be it swinging, BDSM e.t.c. it can be a bit like that, you tend to find people there that generally are into D/s as a lifestyle and are also looking for women who are totally submissive, the 24/7 type. I'll take my chances in the big bad world outside, the first kiss is the only way for me to tell now. This is the make or break point. It's difficult cutting someone off when I realise, at that first kiss, that we are not suited that way, but I'd rather do this and make a polite exit before going any further - than put myself through any more sexual experiences where I end up exerting some kind of dominance.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 73 (view)

Is it ever okay to resort to violence? Posted: 10/11/2009 5:23:32 AM
And if I were being verbally antagonistic, if a man took a swing at me, I would be partly to blam. no, no, no, you would not be to blame for that man choosing to hit you over something you said. You are responsible for your words and the damage they do, he is responsible for his punches and the damage that does. Ok, I'm not a man so I can't totally relate, but I was bought up in violence where people were smacked in the mouth all the time for what they said, accepted as a way of life - but totally wrong. No, no, no courts do not see verbal assault as valid provocation for physical assault. Provocation can include things like a teenage gang smashing up yours or a friends' car. No one should be smacked in the mouth for what they say. Honestly, I feel like smacking people in the mouth all the time, every day, for what they say, but I don't. If someone is a vile human being and spouts crap all the time......cut them off. If they're spouting crap at someone who can't fight back, or you can't get out - spout crap back at them, put them in thier place with words, but never ever resort to violence unless some has thrown the first punch. Then I firmly believe that every individual should have the proper tools to defend themselves (martial arts 25 years, fought in tournaments, ju-jitsu for 10, ). This should be taught to all kids, boys and girls. Not for one minute am I ever suggesting that people should not physically defend themselves if caught in that situation. I don't think I've ever hit anyone over words. I rest my case.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 70 (view)

Is it ever okay to resort to violence? Posted: 10/11/2009 3:54:13 AM
Rock hunter.......if you don't like what someone is saying, learn to deal with it or get out of there. That's all there is. Whether you are a man or a woman, adult or child...never, ever resort to physical violence in retaliation to the spoken word. No matter how much malicious and intentional verbal provocation, you get out of there. To say that men, generally speaking, learn to not provoke people by what they say because they're likely to be punched for it, is absolute BS in my opinion. I don't see men being more restrained about what they say so as not to provoke a physical fight than women. I've worked and studied with all men, and all women, and a mix, and I don't see it. To think that men/boys loose face and are mummy's boys if they don't hit out over something nasty that's said to them is prehistoric in my view, but if you feel this way then that's your issue. Now if someone hits me because of something that I've said, that's a different matter. But it has never happened to me, I wonder why that would be ? If you hit someone, it shows them that they got to you - RESULT. I see some women that do this to men, they figure they've still won even if they have a black eye, and the law's on thier side so usually they also get the satisfaction of seeing the guy getting a grilling from the police to boot. I know what I'm talking about. If I hit someone for something they said, no matter how bad it was, that's my responsibility, not theirs. I have the choice to walk away or hit them. So does everyone else, including you.. To start or worsen a situation where violence can occur, and then complaining because it happened, is idiotic. Whilst I agree that starting or worsening a situation where you have a pretty good idea that it will escalate to the other person hitting you is idotic, complaining because someone has resorted to physical violence when yours was verbal is never, ever idotic. We're talking about 2 levels of abuse here, emotional and physical. I guess you're going to argue that verbal is as bad as physical, if you did, then I'd always disagree. Physical violence in my book is always the NEXT level, no matter whether the person who takes it to this level (and no this is not ever the person provoking it with verbal abuse) is physically stronger or not. Everyone CHOOSES how they react to everthing everyone does and says to them. And I can Jeez all I like. I'm expressing my utter distain for your statements suggesting that someone else should take some responsibility for another person's CHOICE to respond with pysical violence. This is just brain-dead to me ......jeez.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

Is it ever okay to resort to violence? Posted: 10/11/2009 1:08:35 AM
We know that beyond certain threshold, we will have to back up our words with our fists. You get yourself out of a situation where you feel you're being pushed to react with violence YOU DO NOT FRIGGING RESPOND WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE..................jeez!

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 62 (view)

Is it ever okay to resort to violence? Posted: 10/11/2009 12:59:47 AM
I don't know what I did but I certainly didn't do it again! This is the most f*cked up statement that I've think I've ever read here.....oh dear lord ! Ok my thoughts. It is never, EVER, ok to hit a child, which includes a slap. Monkey see, monkey do. When an adult resorts to physical intimidation instead of verbal reasoning, whether with another adult or a child, it shows a complete loss of control of themselves. How the Fck can you respect anyone who has no self-control, whether as a child it's an adult, or as an adult it's another adult. So would you say to a child "it's ok to slap someone if they won't take your point on board or if they upset you by not doing what you want them to do" ? No way, not in my book, never. Monkey see...monkey do. Perhaps I'm off track here, but if you think the way you were physically disciplined as a child was ok, then this explains why you might think it's ok for another adult to get physical in anger with you as well. I speak from experience and have spent years supressing my violent "lash-out" tendancies that I learnt as a child. It appears you have alternatively and comfortably adopted the role of the abused.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 87 (view)

Would you date a women bigger and more muscular then you? Posted: 10/11/2009 12:31:07 AM
I also noticed that alot of men between 5'10" and 5'11" just call themselves six feet, so I've actually had guys argue with me about my height! Kilama, this is sooooo true, also men who are between 5'6" and 5'7" will argue till they're blue in the face that they're actually 5'9" which would make me 5'3"...yeah right! I don't know why they do this ??? I've had one guy who I was seeing who reacted in a way which made me feel insecure about my muscles, I've got very developed legs and arms and I get asked a lot if I body build (years of ju-jitsu and swimming made me that way). It's an experience I don't want to repeat, but I've a great come back for any guy who remarks in a negative way about my arms when I'm out minding my own business........you tell them "wow..how did you manage to get skinny girl arms like that ? maybe we could swap tips ?"

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Does sex feel different with someone you love? Posted: 10/10/2009 12:59:20 AM
My honest opinon on this is; I've had bad sex with someone I love I've had bad sex with someone I didn't love I've had good sex with someone I love I've had good sex with someone I didn't love sex is sex, love is love. Sex doesn't feel different just because I love someone or not. I appreciate that this might not be the norm for many women, but it's my honest opinion.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

What kind of guy do you want to marry? Posted: 10/8/2009 12:25:41 AM
Not into marraige but the man I want to spend the rest of my life with will be tall, razor sharp, decorated, professional, strong work and family ethic, a protector and providor, polite, charming and a devil in bed edit: specifically on looks, not overweight, not a gym junkie, beautiful skin, tall, tall, tall..........did I say tall ?

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 272 (view)

Strong opinions on pot smoking here and abouts; why? Posted: 10/1/2009 12:13:09 AM
I do have a strong opinion about pot smoking. From my own experience I prefer not to do it habitually any more. But also from my own experience I know there's absolutely no point in telling someone who does smoke it habitually that they shouldn't do it. I was firmly under the belief that I was enlightened, more spiritual, better person for doing it every day and no-one could tell me any different. I did it like that for maybe 15 years, it's not until you come out of it that you see how much you didn't get done, and the veil can takes months (maybe years) to lift from any habitual use of mind altering drugs.Would I change my exeperience ? no. I do have a different outlook because of it that I appreciate. If I smoke it now, and I'm not adverse socially, and very infrequently, then I'm acutely aware of a kind of "hangover" in the morning, really hard to get going. It does "annoy" me when I see poeple not fulfilling thier potential because of it, and it is limiting in a lot of aspects including emtotionally and practically but there is absolutely no point in making it my business to tell them this - I'd just give myself one f*ck of a headache ! I think what annoys me more though is people that haven't done it preaching around the place.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Shorter man Taller woman Posted: 9/27/2009 5:34:40 AM
This situation I've done twice, it's never been a good experience for me, left me feeling always like I was unladylike, not good. A man has to be taller and stronger than I am which means I have a very small pool to swim in, but there's no point in me messing about with someone smaller than me - it doesn't work and makes my back hurt from all the stooping and my girly bone hurt from not being able to wear my heels

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 52 (view)

How do I get (politely) out of a threesome Posted: 9/27/2009 2:09:49 AM
Some of the best experiences I've had, have been when women have agreed to cross very firm boundaries. Whilst I agree with verity that pushing boundaries can lead to some of the most satisfying sexual experiences, this can be a very dangerous game - for all involved. There's a fine line between coersion, for example a woman who definitively knows she does not want to participate in a threesome, and consensual agreement to try something that she feels apprehensive about because of her conditioning or lack of experience. The former can be grounds for legal action later on, an ex-boyfriend of mine found this out the hard way (not with me I might add - I am someone who will not have my hard boundaries crossed or pushed). The OP's options are to keep saying no, if she really feels this is not for her, he'll either stop asking and keep seeing her, or keep asking and she'll feel miserable all the time he does this, or he'll stop seeing her once he realises he's not going to get his threesome and move on. OR OP, you could try this, it works well for me. Tell him you will only keep seeing him/sleeping with him if he agrees to your terms. Your terms are that he ceases all pressure to do a threesome. He can only agree or disagree. Be ready for both eventualities, he may well say that he doesn't agree and move on. That way you'll both know where you are. Best of luck with it.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 97 (view)

How much money does a man need to make to keep you interested in him? Posted: 9/24/2009 11:53:32 PM
It's not about how much he makes, it's about him being savvy enough with money so that I should never have to talk to him about it

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

How do you get over it all? Posted: 9/23/2009 12:01:47 AM
OP, very honest post, I can relate. I do resent my ex when I see him and his new GF, their baby, my daughter and his daughter all together. I still haven't found anyone for myself (hope is fading!). I think my resentment comes from thinking that everything there is hunky dory, outwardly they project the frigging Waltons ! And being brutally honest with myself, I am scared that my daughter prefers being there, as one big family unit, than just with me. At the end of my day I try to concentrate on my daughter and whether she's happy, not whether she's happier with her new family than with me. Getting on and forcing myself to make an effort with the gf (it wasn't easy in the beginning, she was hesitant to accept my friendly advances), has made things slightly easier for me. She has become more of a "real" person with her own anxieties and faults -because we do get on quite wellnow she opens up to me a little, knowing her doubts and issues a bit better actually knocked her off the virtual pedestal that I had put her on in my head. Keep trying with her, she's not perfect and getting to know her might help.

nothing_sweet_about_me

Joined: 9/3/2007

Msg: 64 (view)

love at first site? Posted: 9/20/2009 4:44:46 AM
I've not experienced love at first sight, but I have experienced love at first touch. The touch was non-sexual, actually he was checking out one of my tattoo's. I've never felt anything remotely like it before or since. I felt peaceful.

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