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vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2321 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/27/2009 2:07:26 PM
LEROY THE PREACHER "Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2320 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/25/2009 4:27:03 PM
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. She had trouble with Little Johnny before. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?".......

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2319 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/23/2009 7:18:51 PM
WINTER POEM It's winter in Canada ! And the gentle breezes blow Seventy miles an hour At thirty-five below. Oh, how I love Canada When the snow's up to your butt You take a breath of winter And your nose gets frozen shut. Yes, the weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave Canada I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2318 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/23/2009 4:21:04 PM
MY NEW TRUCK I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles' I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!' Immediately the radio responded with,"Ladies and gentlemen, the Premier of Ontario , Mr. Dalton McGinty." Damn, I love this truck...

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2317 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/22/2009 2:05:52 PM
Windex I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not .. . but they say... If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking. WHAT CAN I SAY? SOMEONE SENT IT TO ME AND I COULDN'T KEEP FROM SHARING!

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2316 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/21/2009 1:34:15 PM
How Blonde Was She??? *She was Soooooooo Blonde ...* * She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. * She studied for a blood test. * She sold the car for gas money. * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2315 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/20/2009 1:45:26 PM
Parvinder and Habib... Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Vancouver.... Habib begs just as long as Parvinder, but only collects $2 - $3 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has lots of money to spend. One day Habib says to Parvinder, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Parvinder says, "Look at your sign - what does it say?" Habib's sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Parvinder says, "No wonder you only get $2- $3!" Habib says... "So, what does your sign say?" Parvinder shows Habib his sign.... It reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan."

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2313 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/19/2009 3:04:19 PM
The Confession An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.' 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven..' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.' 'And what is that?' asked the priest. 'Should I tell her the war is over?''

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2312 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/19/2009 9:10:27 AM
7 dwarfs The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...' This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2311 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/16/2009 9:29:36 AM
This is a real "Oh Shit" moment! His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2310 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/16/2009 9:28:59 AM
Spoken like someone who has been in that situation!

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2308 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/15/2009 5:26:56 PM
HOW IS NORMA? A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh!t."

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2307 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/15/2009 4:44:08 PM
Never Lose Your Grandson! A heartwarming story. My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" "The guard asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2306 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/15/2009 4:36:34 PM
Waking the Dead An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.' 'Why not?' he asked. She answered, 'Because I'm dead.' The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!' She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.' He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?' 'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2305 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/15/2009 4:30:04 PM
I rest my case A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Essex.. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2303 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/12/2009 1:01:06 PM
Morning Sex She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2302 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/12/2009 12:50:57 PM
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.) These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the !!???) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2301 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/10/2009 7:36:06 PM
Sex in the Shower In a recent survey requested by president-elect Obama, African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2300 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/10/2009 7:32:08 PM
Quote of the Century I just know that every man will love this and only a few brave women will actually pass it on! " If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time? "

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2299 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/10/2009 10:44:48 AM
California Love Story A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" Because, she replied, "I miss mine." Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2298 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/6/2009 11:05:08 AM
Then & Now Here's some sentiments about aging! Another year has passed and we're all a little older. Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder. There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about 'Living in the Past' We used to go to weddings, football games and lunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches. We used to have hangovers, from parties that swayed. Now we suffer body aches and wile the night away. We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill. We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get sore asses from riding in the car. We used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze. Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news. That, my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up... before you're too ****** old!

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2297 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/3/2009 2:34:09 PM
The Black Bra I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went: My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are definitely the woman of my dreams. I love you..." Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night." Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2296 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 11/3/2009 2:29:30 PM
New end to an old fairytale The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down." The little piggy said "F-ck off or I'll sneeze on you..."

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2294 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/27/2009 11:23:44 AM
Newfie Hooker A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows 'Twenty dollars' she whispers. Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them It is a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer 'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2293 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/25/2009 5:39:39 AM
The $2.99 Special If you are a senior you will understand this one. If you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be....... The $2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!!' stated the waitress. I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! WE'VE been around the block more than once! Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!! Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!! "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2292 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/24/2009 10:52:53 AM
The Fairy & The Immigrant A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices. 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Canada with your wife and seven children.' The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistani where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'. The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music. 'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. I want to be Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Canadians.' PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty Wall-Mart T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?' The fairy said , 'Tough luck. Now that you are Canadian, you're entitled to sweet fu-k all like the rest of us.' And she disappeared.........

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2291 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/22/2009 2:14:40 PM
The name's just Fred..... A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2290 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/22/2009 2:05:22 PM
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. PRICELESS

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2289 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/22/2009 2:00:24 PM
Oh Canada TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math. 2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown. 3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 5. Weed. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big rock between you and B.C. 2. Ottawa who? 3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country. 4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country. 6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat. 2. Your province is really easy to draw. 3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 4. People will assume you live on a farm. 5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that! TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property. 2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the centre of the universe. 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime. 5. The all New 13% HST tax coming soon! TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1. Racism is socially acceptable. 2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next. 3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada. 4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A#!%!" TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income. 2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick. 4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can. 2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt. 3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island you still got the big, new bridge. 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 3. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea." 5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from. 6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 3. The workday is about two hours long. 4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding. Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.* Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed. The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart 50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down 32° Fahrenheit (0° C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season. -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg -459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2288 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/21/2009 1:43:54 PM
A Bronze rat Englishman walked into a Vancouver curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.' As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' 'No,' said the Englishman, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Edmonton Oilers supporter, and anything French!'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2286 (view)

My Joke Thread Posted: 10/19/2009 2:06:51 PM
A Bagpiper Late for a Funeral This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral. As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2285 (view)

Mininum Wage Posted: 10/18/2009 4:47:31 PM
Holy Soap Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser". To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice, three times, nothing happens so she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2283 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/17/2009 1:26:31 PM
Question When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan , China, Checkoslovakia or Mexico, what does that Government give you? Answer - A map of Canada

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2282 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/17/2009 1:11:46 PM
Book Report-Too funny!!! Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99 Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99 Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton :....... Ditto for Monica. Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton :... Let's not go there. Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts. Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton :....... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2281 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/15/2009 6:12:58 PM
An old Newfie After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John's. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly b!tch he's runnin' around with.'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2280 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/15/2009 4:56:02 PM
cuckoo clock Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married... (If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.) The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem ticked off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2277 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/11/2009 6:15:11 AM
Politcal Correctness Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. ' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS .. And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. ' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN .' 3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. ' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (Loved this one!) 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2274 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/9/2009 5:21:43 AM
A LITTLE POEM My First Time It was my first time ever And I'll never forget I'd do it again Without a single regret. The sky was dark The moon was high We were all alone Just she and I. Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast. I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came. At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow... GOTCHA!!!!! NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2273 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/6/2009 4:56:10 PM
Wine Lovers Must See! I kid you not.... New Wine for Seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as: PINO MORE I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE I just could not help it.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2272 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/5/2009 2:24:55 PM
Phrase Origin; interesting reading! An oldie…but a goodie!! A BIT OF HISTORY MOST PEOPLE DID NOT KNOW Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me!" Well, it just so happens to have indirectly originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!" AND ANOTHER PIECE OF HISTORY COMES TOGETHER........... : -))

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2267 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/2/2009 11:27:07 AM
Welfare Case I signed my dog up for welfare. Do you think he's eligible? He's black, lazy, can't speak English & has no frigging idea who his daddy is...

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2265 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 10/1/2009 2:25:01 PM
They walk among us!......Unbelievable This should have your head just a shaking!! NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?' A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. 'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.' Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. 'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.' To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans. Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. 'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.' Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath - and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.' Caution...they walk among us! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' They walk among us! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....' They Walk Among Us! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. They Walk Among Us! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.) They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. They Walk Among Us! And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS,TRUE STORY: A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.' Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, their vote equals ours, and they also reproduce.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2262 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/28/2009 7:19:55 PM
TGIF A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' ' Oh crap!' the blonde says........ "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front." Some people can have all the lights on, and still be in the dark ...

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2261 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/26/2009 5:26:40 PM
Recycling I was visiting Cheryl, a successful young professional, whe I noticed half a piece of French bread in its original wrapper in her recycle box. When I told her that she couldn't put bread in the recycling box, she said, "Why not? It tastes like cardboard"

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2260 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/26/2009 5:07:56 PM
Winston Churchill said... Dogs look up to you; cats look down on you; pigs treat you as an equal.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2259 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/26/2009 5:05:25 PM
Hemmingway Hall Visiting a college campus, the propective student spots a building called Hemmingway Hall. "How nice," he says. "That building is named for Ernest Hemmingway." "Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemmingway." "Was he a writer?" the student asks. "Yes. He wrote a big cheque."

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2258 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/26/2009 4:59:14 PM
The eldery woman and the doctor An elderly woman is being examined by a young physician. After about four minutes, she bursts out of the examination room. Spotting an older doctor, she tells him what happened. Astounded, he marches ddown the hallway towards his young colleague. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demands. "That woman is 74! Why would you tell her she's pregnant?" The young doctor asks, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?"

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2257 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/26/2009 4:51:15 PM
A Guy at the bar A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?" "Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2256 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/25/2009 5:24:40 PM
WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Obama says, "We're planning W.W. III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? ”Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?" Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a sh!t about the 140 million Muslims”.

vivienne3

Joined: 4/25/2005

Msg: 2252 (view)

My Joke Thread. Posted: 9/21/2009 4:59:29 PM
when will it end!!! I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F-ck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

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