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APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 68 (view)

When Is A Mistake Unforgivable? Posted: 9/8/2008 10:15:45 PM
Thisisbj wrote: > early dating is like the probationary time at a job..... > any mistake...and you can be kicked to the curb... A tiny bit strong, but that's actually not a bad analogy. Indeed, in some ways, dating might be regarded as an even more delicate probationary period than one might experience with a new job because it is a period of risking to be emotionally open, with the hope of building a connected sense of intimate trust. And it is a risk of personal vulnerability much more potentially wounding to us than most hurts we might ever experience because some new employee at our work made some mistake. It perhaps doesn't get mentioned often enough that the period of dating is a time where folks are actually risking to be vulnerable with each other, hoping to build emotional trust. But it perhaps should be mentioned, (and perhaps even frequently), because no critiquing of one's character or conduct is ever likely to be successful until that trust bond has first been firmly established. And that's perhaps just what's gone on here -- a critiquing or criticizing before any strong trust bond has first been established. And even more than that, a critiquing done from heated anger rather than from hesitant humility.... just the kind which is just as likely to so wound the other person that they'll likey go running for the hills without ever looking back. Perhaps we sometimes forget that at least part of dating is about the hope of building emotional trust, the risk of being vulnerable with each other, the want of acceptance, and the desire that if ever confronted, it will be done more with trepidation and gentle humility rather than ever too much harshly with only arrogance and anger. As Thisisbj well pointed out, early dating is very much like the probationary time at a job -- a time to perhaps take extra care in the things we say and do, and afford ourselves the time to build up a sense of trust that is so needed. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Met, hit it off, she crushed me.... Posted: 9/8/2008 7:54:43 AM
bossc358 wrote: > ... Our second meeting got more personal and I got the impression that we > hit it off great.... Personal stuff was exchanged . We made plans to go on a > ride one weekend but it was rained out. ... Suddenly, she decided we could > not meet anymore.... I am at the anger portion of this trip now. Played like > a fool. How do you suggest I get over this? How do you get over this? Consider giving the weight of your feelings the same proportion as the length of this relationship. And then from that perspective, you'll perhaps see that this might no longer be worth devoting any of your angry energy. Of course, it's completely up to you. But I just don't see it as being in your own best interest to make your grieving even longer than the relationship itself. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

When Is A Mistake Unforgivable? Posted: 9/6/2008 9:38:02 PM
NFPexec wrote: > Then for some inexplicable reason, I sent him an email late that night before going > to bed. I didn't think much about it but the next morning I got an angry response > from him about the "tone & content" which I realized seemed harsh. I came across > in a hypercritical way and any small flaws he had were listed and blown out of > proportion. He was VERY angry. If it at all seems the least bit strange that he might now shy away from you, it's perhaps because you "hit him" where it perhaps might hurt any of us the most -- the want to feel special in the eyes of another, and most particularly the want of acceptance for who we are. Even for couples who've been together for a long time, to critique each other about our flaws most often needs to be done delicately and with humility. But to do so at the relative beginning of a relationship could be a sort of kiss of relationship death. From your side, what you did perhaps might seem like you just spoke out of turn, as it were (read: seemingly forgivable). But again, there are very few things we want more from a relationship than the want of acceptance, and I imagine too soon speaking of one's flaws is perhaps something which would have most of us running the other way. So how could he go from really liking you to completely ignoring me based on this ONE mistake? My guess is that "one mistake" perhaps hit him in a very, very vulnerable place -- the same place it is for most of us: the want for acceptance for who we are. And that' about the best I can describe it. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 296 (view)

Why Do Men Overlook Good Women? Posted: 8/31/2008 1:32:58 AM
wannacstars wrote: Who ever purchases a book at a glance ? SERIOUSLY!?? dont we try to OPEN that book, Look through it and try to get a JIST of whats inside ?? Yes we do. But then again, some books last longer than some relationships. :-) However, it should be noted that the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" isn't about someone who would buy a book without first looking through it, (of course no one does that) but rather about those who would say "no" to a book without going any further than just looking at its cover (which actually happens with great frequency). As to the question of "Why do men overlook good women?", at least part of the answer is that quite often, I'm sorry to say, being a "good woman" just isn't enough. There are many things out there which are good but never much noticed because.... well... they just haven't been marketed well. And at the risk of being a bit blunt, dating is, at least to some extent, about marketing one's self. So you can be the best gosh darn woman on the planet, but if you aren't marketing yourself in an attractive way, then don't be altogether surprised if guys might over look you time and time again. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 77 (view)

Do I tell a family friend that our spouses have been having an affair right under our noses? Posted: 8/30/2008 2:37:10 AM
Solarpanel wrote: Finally, take care of yourself and deliberately make yourself more selfish. You're too focused on pleasing other people, especially those who couldn't give a sh*t about you. Having read through this thread, I'm inclined to agree with Solarpanel -- Rcord797, you do seem to be way, way too self-sacrificing.... to the point of seeming martyrdom. And just way too often, folks confuse love with being self-sacrificing, when in point of fact, these two things are almost exact opposites -- the former is self-enriching, while the latter is self-depriving (even to the point of, at times, running one's self down physically and emotionally). It's somewhat unfortunate that when folks see the word "selfish" -- as Solarpanel has just said it above here -- they at times mistakenly assume this word always has negative connotations. But when Solarpanel speaks of taking care of yourself and deliberately making yourself more selfish, he's perhaps using the word in its best possible sense... not so much "selfish" as in only thinking of ourselves, but rather the idea of being self-loving and self-respecting... and by extension, giving your son the role model of someone who isn't so much self-sacrificing, but rather more self-loving and self-respecting. It's certainly a difficult situation that you're in, but I think Solarpanel has made a very good observation here when he says that you seem to be way too focused on pleasing other people, and perhaps not enough on taking care of yourself and doing what would be most good for you. And if we're talking about it from a perspective of fatherhood, again, if you want your son to grow to become an adult who good care of himself rather than too much becoming a self-sacrificing martyr, then perhaps the best you might afford him is the role model of a father who always takes good care of himself, a father who sets it as a priority to be self respecting, and a father who can be more demonstratively self-loving. But don't confuse love and self-sacrifice. As I said earlier, the former is self-enriching, while the latter depriving. And the sooner you decide you're no longer going to tolerate this situation that you're in, the sooner your son will be afforded see a better self-respecting father, and a better model for what it genuinely means to take good care of one's self. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary P.S. I honestly don't know or not if you should tell the other person's wife that he and your wife are having an affair. I really don't have a good answer for that one. But it does seem to me that you have more than enough going on right in your own home now to much be worrying about what's going on of the members of some other family, and that rather than too much worrying about her, it might be better to re-focus your concentration on things that would best have you taking good care of yourself. For what any of that perspective is worth.

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 50 (view)

Feedback or Criticism? Posted: 5/16/2008 8:58:33 PM
kdwildflowers wrote: After our first date, someone sent me what he thought was some constructive criticism, a list of areas in which he felt I was lacking. He asked me for the same. He thinks that everyone wants, or should want, feedback so that he or she can improve. I think it is hurtful and judgmental to give a person a list of things you don't like about him or her. I wonder what everyone else thinks. I don't altogether disagree with this, but only question the timing and the receptiveness of the person who's being critiqued (for lack of better way of describing it). With regards to timing, it's really pushing the envelope of hope to be making even "constructive criticisms" of someone after a first date and then expecting their might be a second date (let alone an more). And isn't it true that what any of us wants more than critique is a sense of acceptance? And isn't it good to have first established a good underlying bond with a person before ever even getting into the area of constructively criticizing each other? And likewise good that that bond be one where each thinks of the other as a source of pleasure rather than at all right off the bat associating this other person with a sense of work or the effort having to change? There is perhaps a time in relationships for couples to make gentle critique of each other. But let there be the foundation of pleasure and bonding so a strong relationship first exists. After all, who wants to go into any date thinking they're going to be figuratively under a microscope analyzed and then afterwards given a report on how they did? To do this is not the enjoyment of dating, but something more akin to the anxiety of going in to do some educational or work related exam. Yes, there's a time for self learning. But first let the relationship at least get some good wind in its sail by having dating be a time of enjoyment and fun. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Help-- he's TOO attractive! Posted: 5/8/2008 7:41:42 PM
poeticbliss wrote: > What do you do when you meet a man who is so stunningly gorgeous and he > is showing you tons of attention? Now I know some men like larger women, > but this absolutely terrifies me! Especially as a larger women... I immediately > rush to the conclusions that A) He's just looking for sex and thinks I'm an > easy target, B) He has vision problems C) He has low self-esteem, D) He has > a BBW fetish... So lose weight.... because that apparently seems to be an issue you keep coming back to over and over again. But God forbid you should do that because then you'd be out of an excuse for why things apparently are the way they are. Beyond that, and this truly is a serious question: what exactly is it going to take from some guy before you finally start to think, "This guy like me for me"? Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

S.O.S. - Quick!!! Posted: 5/8/2008 5:08:04 PM
runningmom wrote: > Hello - This message is for anyone that has been involved in a toxic > relationship. Not just an unhappy one - but one of those that is soul- > destroying, yet infiltrates your heart and won't let you walk away. Won't let you walk away? Oh c'mon, I can't -- none of us can -- be of any help to you if you walk around acting like you have no free will choice. The most practical guide I can give you is this: you label this person as poisonous and toxic, and then no matter what he says or does, you simply ignore all that and just use the good common sense to avoid things which you know darn well are toxic to you. It's not rocket science. Think of him as a nuclear reactor spill, because you know this too is something toxic, and you'd know darn well to keep away from it under any and all circumstances. The answer to your problem is built right into your question -- you know darn well that the other person in question is toxic to your life and an absolute vexation to your spirit. What do you imagine I would tell you (or any of us would tell you) if there was some place where a known radioactive spill has taken place? We'd tell you that unless you don't value your health at all, stay way clear of that toxic area under any and all circumstances. So this whole issue should be a complete no-brainer to you -- you label the guy as toxic, you don't for a moment pretend he's anything other than that, and then you just invoke good common horse sense to avoid all toxic things just the same way that you'd have the good sense to always stay far away from some nuclear reactor toxic spill. Is there any part of that's even one iota hard to understand? When we recognize toxic things, we just all efforts to avoid them because we want to preserve our health. Period. This ain't not rocket science. Is it? -- he's toxic, and so you just at all times avoid such toxic things. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 590 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 5/8/2008 4:08:44 PM
locario wrote: > I know this was long and drawn out, and for that I apologize. But it just really > surprises me that anyone could read the OP's post and not at least get a little > niggling sense that something's not quite right there... Precisely right -- it is not just one thing that gives suggestion of a man who is seemingly acting with his family members in a manipulative and controlling manner, but rather the cluster of a goodly number of things he said which more than just a little give that niggling sense that something's not quite right here. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 116 (view)

Should marijuana use be a deal breaker? Posted: 5/7/2008 8:24:10 PM
syncopation wrote: > Do I try to find a compromise on an issue that bothers me personally > (philosophically I feel it should be legalized) or do I just chalk it up to > experience and say next? Purely personal opinion here: if a gal said to me she's used pot before and might not mind trying it again once or two somewhere in the rest of her life, I perhaps won't much think about it as being an issue. On the other hand, if she's of the mind to says that she's used pot in the past and has no qualms about using it in the future, if she would say it shouldn't bother me any more than it might bother her if I wanted to go play cards with the guys, then that for me would probably be a gal I couldn't see myself having much future with. All that stuff might have been interesting when we were younger, but perhaps not so much any more. And deny it as much as they want, too much "recreational use" of such things sooner or later starts to become a problem in and of itself. > The reason I have doubts is that 2 of her friends I have recently met > have said the following after offering and being turned down: 1) she is being > so good because you are here, and 2)I know you must smoke because you > hang out with her. Am I getting into more than I realize? There's an old Polish proverb which says, " You end up resembling the company you keep." And that perhaps is as good an indication of what to expect in the future as any. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 576 (view)

He Left? Posted: 5/7/2008 6:13:24 PM
vicious_vixen wrote: > People said he was abusive and controlling Respectfully V V, there's not a doubt in my mind that he's both controlling and manipulative. One of the first red flags was when he said, "We treated her like gold spoiled her rotten, in the 19 years, and we get this kick in the nuts." This is someone who's trying to elicit sympathy by dragging his kids into it. Not "I treated her like gold," or "I get kick in the nuts", but rather "we". Also be suspect of someone who says they always treated someone else like gold and then that person just abandon them. His whole postings just reek of someone another person might want to flee from, and certainly enough folks even on this thread were able to read between the lines to pick up on that one. Moreover, in another post, he talk about how "after she got caught we sat down as a family, I tried to work things out,she tells me to give her some time and space..." Sat down as a family? This is a marital issue, a private issue, the sort of issue a husband and wife talk about behind closed doors or with a counselor, and only a controlling, manipulative parent would allow his boys in on such a thing. That wasn't a talk, but rather what could only be called a cohesive ambush... a father using his own boys to guilt and shame their mother. The point being this: don't kid yourself that we know absolutely nothing about this situation because there's enough evidence there -- direct and indirect -- to not only suggest a father who has a lack of healthy boundaries where his marriage and where his teen kids are concern (who, even at ages 17 and 18 just don't have the life experience to be able to handle this stuff in any emotionally mature way) , but also a father who apparently quite deliberately allows his boys to get involved in matters for his own self-serving manipulative and controlling ends. This is not at all to condone what the original posters wife did in having an affair, but only to say that all he's written makes it highly suspect if for all those years he reportedly treated her like gold. His own writings suggest otherwise. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

Why do women lie about Love??? Posted: 5/1/2008 3:37:22 AM
HrtOGold wrote: Why do women do this??? Simply put, you can't make generalizations about all women because of the experiences with just one -- or even a few -- twits. Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Ex- husband marrying his ex-girlfriend - surprised at how bitter I feel Posted: 4/28/2008 1:11:52 AM
chioneso wrote: > I am glad to be rid of him. He was a lying, cheating, irresponsible, weak-charactered > and unprincipled guy, it turned out but I feel really unhappy that he seems to have > found happiness while my life is such a mess and because of him. If he truly is as you say... then his happiness will only be short lived. And in the meantime, the best revenge is to give gratitude he's gone, to take good care of yourself, and to focus on what brings you happiness to your life. Richard Milhouse Nixon onces said, "....those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." So don't compound what he did by just wallowing in misery and only now further victimizing yourself ! Purge your anger as soon as is reasonably possible. Not at all for his benefit, but rather so that you yourself can otherwise put your focus of thought on those things which will attract more happiness into your own life. And when you're happy, then you just won't much give a darn how this ex from your past is doing any more. It just will no longer matter. So truly, shift your focus.... not so much any more on how he's done you wrong (which really does nothing to him and only now victimizes yourself by just keeping you stuck), and to otherwise use those same energies to repeatedly focus on what you want for yourself for your own happiness. And that's really what we mean when we say "take care of yourself". After all, when you're in a hole, who the heck cares how you got there? What counts now is how you focus your thoughts for solution to get out -- focus on what will bring happiness into your own life now. Hope that shift of perspective is of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Trying to Forget the Good & Remember the Bad Posted: 4/26/2008 11:12:32 AM
Cute Fun Girl [msg 1] wrote: >> I`ve heard lots of people say that in the process of moving on and trying to >> get over someone, you have to remind yourself of the reasons of why you >> broke up, remind yourself of the things you didnt like, remind yourself of >> the bad things. angelheart3 [msg 7 ] wrote: > Rather than fight against the normal process of healing from a loss - which is > what a break-up really is, or even try to rush it - just go with it. The hurt is there, > so why hide from it? The anger will come of it's own accord so why force it? > Eventually there will come acceptance and then one is able to move on. Force > any element of that grieving process actually makes it harder to move on, not easier. I don't think I could have said this any better myself. Trying to force or fight the healing process from an emotional loss is like a kid who is sick but wants to keeps trying to getting out of bed rather than resting, or like a farmer who tries to force corn to grow faster. Simply put, nature has its own timetable for getting certain things done, and while we can aid the process by going with the flow, as it were, as Angelheart3 well pointed out, forcing any element of that grieving process actually makes it harder to move on, not easier. When I have been in times of grief, I've allowed myself to just sit and veg in front of the TV if necessary, to spend time with friends if I am too lonely, to distance myself from others when I feel myself in need of solitude, to not try to push away the anger when it rises in me, to not try to force myself to be entertaining to others when the low energy of the healthy depression of grief is about me, and finally, perhaps most importantly, to have faith that if I just allow these things to occur on nature's schedule without myself trying to numb them or delay them or force them, that this is the fastest way through this healing process. It is almost second nature for us to want to avoid pain in any form. But where the healing process from an emotional loss is concerned, the irony of trying to avoid this pain, or trying to force it fixed on our schedule, is that we only end up prolonging our pain. And this is about as self-defeating as possible, not much wiser than a sick kid who too early tries to play rather than continuing to rest in bed, and so prolongs his own sickness but not letting nature properly do its healing work. And so, the fastest, most efficient way through this grieving and healing process is precisely as Angelheart3 described it there in message 7 of this thread. Hope that's of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 67 (view)

How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair? Posted: 4/25/2008 10:33:37 AM
elovell84 wrote: The last thing I want is for my impressionable daughter to think it's perfectly normal and OK for a teenaged girl to date a 39 year old man. Their dad is going through a mid-life crisis, or at least I think he is, and I don't want my kids being drawn into his sick problems. Do I have any right to ask that she not be around the kids after the divorce? I can't say for certain (laws vary from state to state, or province to province), but generally speaking, I think it's highly unlikely that you're going to get anywhere making such a request. Now it might be a bit different if there was a constant parade of women coming through you're ex's home. But even a request for that not to happen when the kids are around might be challenged. As for your daughter being impressionable and concern about her thinking any of this is normal, at age 8, she perhaps perceives the matter very differently than you, and only sees two seeming adults (truly, in the eyes of an 8 year old, an 18 year old seems to them like an adult). As for "normal", she'll just likely more and more come to regard this as not normal unless into her growing years she just sees a goodly number of other examples of the same thing going on (more and more over the years, she'll just as likely come to the view of saying "Dad, what the heck were you thinking?"). So as much you might view the matter as morally reprehensible, I imagine the courts would be less quick to interfere here. And personally, while I certainly appreciate where you're coming from (I truly do), in nevertheless seems wholly within the children's father's rights to date whatever legal adult he wants, even if there is such an age gap... this matter perhaps not clearly detrimental to the well being of the children. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

I want him back but I am confused Posted: 4/24/2008 7:29:12 PM
singlenloving wrote: > This man was someone I loved very much and I just feel like if I don't > start dating again it will make it much harder to get over him. Now maybe I'm just not articulate enough to word this right, but if you to out to hook up with one guy just to try to forget about another one, you only end up carrying a whole bunch of emotional baggage with you into that new relationship and unwittingly poisoning that relationship. The fact is, when we experience loss -- such as the loss of a loved one, or even the loss of the idea of a future with that loved one -- we need time to grieve ... time to be on our own.... time to work through that pain rather than at all make attempts to only numb it. We need to go through our denial, and anger and bargaining and our depression over the loss of that relationship until we're finally out the other end at an inwardly more emotionally peace state of acceptance. And if we don't do that, then all of those ugly emotional just otherwise spill out while we're in our next relationship -- a relationship we started just way too soon. And we know when we're not ready for dating others because we can feel it. As you said yourself -- you're just not ready to move on yet. Listen to those feelings!! When you are ready, you'll know that too because it will seem like a cloud that's been over you has slowly lifted, and for a lack of better way of describing it, you'll actually feel like you want to rejoin the land of the living, as it were. But don't force it, or try to numb it. It doesn't work, and ends up only complicating your life (and truly, do you honestly need more drama right now?) So contrary to the idea that the best way to get over one man is to get under another one, you needs to give yourself some time to grieve on your own. And you'll know when you're ready to move on.... you'll feel yourself ready to move on just like you feel now feel that you're not ready to move on. Don't force this stuff. Give yourself time to grieve. And I'm sorry, but I just can't articulate it any better than that (although maybe somebody else here can). Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 86 (view)

Dinner then a HOTEL? Does this happen a lot? Posted: 4/24/2008 4:44:17 PM
Someone earlier wrote: >> I never heard the "I get in your car, you get in my pants" rule Cenettix wrote: > That's because there is no such rule. If there were, cab drivers would be getting alot of action... ROTFL.

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 85 (view)

Dinner then a HOTEL? Does this happen a lot? Posted: 4/24/2008 4:30:28 PM
loislane wrote: Apolinary, I agree a first meet should be something innocuous. In the OP's case, these were not first meetings, these were first dates with grown men one of whom she knew for a year and saw on a daily basis. As they planned together to extend the date to another activity, which in her understanding, did not include the need for a hotel, she should be reprimanded for accepting dinner with this man when he inexplicably and unexpectedly took this detour? No, I think not. I'm not reprimanding her. Rather, I'm saying that if a fellow has a first date with "the best food, the best wine, and the best hotels in town" then don't be surprised if he thinks everything is bought and paid for. And it's not that even agree with that mentality, but only that it is what it is -- there just are some fellows who presume what's in their wallet can get them everything. And if a gal doesn't want to so much run into that, then she's perhaps better off just insisting on more humble first date venues, and/or insisting on paying her own way. But don't get me wrong because I'm not reprimanding her. I am, however, suggesting a way she might better nip this sort of problem in the bud before a first date even begins -- by not accepting extravagant first dates where she's just letting a fellow pick up the tab. Because after all, it's harder for him to be presumptive if that first date is of a more innocuous variety, or, if folks want be fancy about it, that they each pay their own way. Apolinary

APOLINARY

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Msg: 2 (view)

confused Posted: 4/24/2008 10:24:45 AM
Okay, if I understand your situation correctly, you've been going out with a gal where the welfare of your relationship is at the whims and dictates of her oldest daughter? Regardless of the dynamics of it, be it a case of the daughter threatening to withhold love from her mother or withholding finances, that's the essence of it, right? -- that the daughter gets to pull the strings of the relationship between you two? Well if that is indeed the case, then what you do seem to me a complete no-brainer -- you walk away. Because otherwise, you're in a relationship that's a no-win situation, a relationship that is controlled by the whims of an outside third party. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone, so I certainly wouldn't wish that on you. So from where I sit, it's a no-brainer.... not emotionally easy, but nevertheless a no-brainer -- you walk away.... and otherwise seek out someone who makes their own choices about relationships rather than at all allowing others to so much dictate these things. Hope that's of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

I want him back but I am confused Posted: 4/23/2008 2:15:19 PM
singlenloving wrote: I guess my dilema is whether or not I should move on when I dont feel ready yet. It is reasonable to say (at least to one's self), "Alright, I'm done with this relationship, (because I deserve better than that) but my emotions need time to grieve and heal, and so I'm not yet ready for another relationship." So you don't have to move on until you're ready. But you also don't have to stay rooted with someone who's just not there for you in a good and consistent way. You do have the option to leave one person and not get yourself involved with anyone else until you're emotionally over that earlier person and whole heartedly ready to move on. And indeed, it's perhaps better that you do it this way because it just relieves you of the burden of perpetually carrying a bunch of unresolved emotional baggage from earlier times. It's quite natural to take some time to be just a single and grieve over someone who you feel you'll miss. So you can stay where you are, or move on to some other relationship, or, as a third option, just take a bit of time for yourself until you emotionally feel ready to move on. Hope that's of some help, Apolinary

APOLINARY

Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

I want him back but I am confused Posted: 4/23/2008 10:09:16 AM
singlenloving wrote: > I don't know how to feel? I imagine you feel very confused. And I'm guessing it's probably going to stay that way until you finally, once and for all, just get sick and tired of all this drama. And when you finally get yourself to that point that you're just truly sick and tired of all this drama (and that can happen in an instant -- just a choice that you no longer want to entertain such drama in your life), then for whatever else you might want from any relationship, you'll for sure insist on a fellow who can demonstrate a reasonable degree of consistency and dependability. And -- this is the big part.... -- you'll simply tolerate no less. So there you have it. And it's really not that much more complex than that. It really isn't. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

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Joined: 9/5/2007

Msg: 398 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/23/2008 6:41:18 AM
anyoneoutthier wrote: How is a person to take some of the blame if the one cheating wont talk about what the problem is, You might be surprised how many folks who've had affairs reported a long suffering condition of being with a spouse who just won't listen. Then complicate that with someone who grew up with such rigidness of beliefs like divorce is wrong (beliefs usually handed down by the same rigid thinking folks who are always purportedly keep quoting them things like "you made your bed, now lay in it"). And then complicated that even further that in that sort of climate of seemingly being between a rock and a hard place, a person's sense of esteem just keeps eroding away until they're all but totally emotionally bankrupt. That's not a person who's willfully looking for an affair, but it is a person who's likely primed to have one -- as starved for affection as one could be, yet caught in the morals of folks who had them thinking that even divorce would be shameful. So don't kid yourself about any of this... if an affair occurs, it more often than not happens to those who've felt themselves trapped. And that's not at all to condone affairs (indeed far from it), but to say that looking at it only superficially is.... well.... just foolish. When folks have an affair, it's not guilt and shame they need (a practice which is about as wisely useful as trying to extinguish a fire by throwing gasoline on it) but rather empathy and compassion, and these things as a start to helping them find a way out and back onto the road where they can once again become congruent with even their own good sense of morals and values. But if you only want to condemn such folks, then you're more part of the problem rather than part of the solution. And then you better hope to heck that those around you are more merciful to you for any of your own transgressions than you apparently ever seem to be to others. Apolinary

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Msg: 32 (view)

Dinner then a HOTEL? Does this happen a lot? Posted: 4/23/2008 5:14:50 AM
curveyprincess wrote: This has happen to me like twice... I have went over and over each time, trying to figure out what I said or did, that made any one of these men think I was wanting to have sex with them on the first date... I have even watched what I wear, to make sure its not something that sends the wrong signal to these men... I just dont get this.... The odd thing is, they are not cheap about any of the date, its the best food, the best wine, and the best hotels in town... So the first date isn't going to a movie, or a walk in the park, or chatting in a backyard, or something relatively innocuous like that, but rather "the best food, the best wine, and the best hotels in town"? On a first date? Well, there's your clue. Do I need to spell it out any more than that? I mean I can. But hopefully it's now self-evident. Apolinary

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Msg: 394 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/23/2008 4:38:20 AM
anyoneoutthier wrote: > So you would let the kids go thur life thinking they are the reason that you divorced, As I said earlier, one thing we might go out of our way to tell our children is to reassure them that the reason their parents are getting divorced has nothing to do with them at all; to relieve them of the burden of mistakenly believing they were any contributing factor to why their parents separated. and hell no i am not going tolet them go thur that, and i will not be man enough to take the blame for something a losy cheater did. No one is saying that if your wife cheated -- keeping in mind not to besmirch the name of your actual good wife here but that we are only talking hypothetically -- that you should take the blame for her cheating. If she cheated, then that's on her and her alone. However, as I've said earlier, an affair is usually a symptom, not the root problem, and someone who says they got a divorce because their spouse cheated is usually only telling a half truth, and as often as not not being "man enough" to talk about their own role in what was the decaying marriage even before any affair began. As I've said, when one looks closer at these matters, it is usually revealed that an affair is usually just a symptom, not the root problem. Humility, empathy, and mercy, and compassion Is what you show to a cheater so they can keep doing it over and over again when some one cheats they loss all of that in my book. I grant you, for the small percentage of the population who are sociopathic, (inherently lack any sense of moral conscience), addressing them with empathy and compassion will not change them at all. But the greater majority of those who do have an affair actually do have a sense of moral conscience, and indeed agonize because they have found themselves making choices which are incongruent even with their own value system. These folks are not inherently bad, but more accurate to describe them as temporarily lost, temporarily floundering without their moral compass, as it were. And it is these individuals -- the majority of them -- who are best served by applying empathy and compassion, not for the sake of condoning their action, but rather to help show them a way out. Apolinary

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Msg: 382 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/22/2008 12:43:42 PM
Smuggler1 wrote: I think you make some valid points... but I FAIL TO SEE how two young men at the age of 18 and 17 are considered Children.... Think of it in terms of a degree of emotional maturity and the ability to process information with balanced, mature perspective. You're 39, and so I imagine that if you were to find out that either one or another of your parents was having (or is having) and affair, you might be able to digest that news with more objectivity and balanced response than you otherwise might been able to do decades ago. What's happened in those intervening years is that through your own experiences and growth, you now have a greater capacity for certain qualities of maturity which I just mentioned above... qualities like more humility, empathy, mercy and compassion. Now think back to when you or I were 17 or 18 and how lacking we were in these qualities compared to where we are at today. We might have been old enough to shave, put back some brews, and do a whole bunch of other zany things. But in terms of emotional maturity, if we're honest with ourselves, we didn't much have either the experience or the balance sense of perspective to adequately digest news like hearing that one of our parents was having some affair. And it's not that we were bad or evil (well, except on some nights LOL), but only that in terms of emotional development, we truly were still like children back then -- outwardly seemingly young adults, but inwardly still lacking those qualities of emotional maturity like humility, empathy, mercy and compassion. So we might perhaps better see now how two seeming young men at the age of 18 and 17 might still be considered to be children. They are indeed in one sense young men, and perhaps even intellectually quite bright. And yet at the same time, they are in no way even close to being emotionally mature enough to be dealing with this sort of news about one or the other of their parents. And if only because they're still lacking those qualities of humility, empathy, mercy and compassion -- qualities essential to being able to process this sort of information with balanced, mature perspective. Apolinary

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Msg: 377 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/22/2008 11:33:07 AM
anyoneoutthier wrote: > Well when the cheating causes a divore yes the childeren do have a right to know why, Actually, no, children don't have a right to know why. Nor would any stand up parent burden them with a degree of detail about their divorce which is beyond their emotional maturity level to adequately comprehend in proper perspective. What children do have a right to know is that even if their mother and father go their separate ways, the kids themselves will still be looked after, that none of what's going on between their parents is their fault, and that regardless of how mom and dad might feel about each other, the kids themselves are still loved by both their parents. But that's the extent of it. It's called having some healthy limits and boundaries with kids. But to do otherwise is to overly burden kids with more than they need to know, usually only done for self-serving purposes, and nothing short of toxic parenting. Why should i be the bad guy for breaking up a famliy when it was she who cheated. Understand, I'm not condoning cheating. But in the same breath, what you need to appreciate is something I said earlier -- namely that in so, so many cases, cheating is only a symptom of larger problems. This thread is a perfect case in point. There are some folks here who are actually feeling some sympathy for the wife in this case. Now why is that? Is it because they condone adultery? Many of them have clearly stated that they don't. And yet, they sympathize with her. Why? Because even they can see that perhaps there's something abusive that's been going on in this martial relationship. And if not physically, then certainly emotionally, and perpetuated by a fellow who would even sink so low as to take his boys with him on a hunt for their supposed cheating mother. So why should he be the bad guy for breaking up a family when it was she who cheated? Because as I've said, cheating is only a symptom of larger problems, and that if one digs just a tiny bit deep, it's as often as not revealed that folks were already near the edge of breakup before any affair began, and a bit infrequent that it's only one person who was at the root of why the marital relationship was eroding. So for some father to say, "Well, we're breaking up because your mother cheated on me" is often times only to speak a half truth, a lie of omission which doesn't supply all the fact, often leaving kids with a false perspective rather than any genuine knowledge about the whole of what was going on. Now you say they can belive it or not well i hope you can live with your childeren beliving you are a lier I cant and i wont be the fall guy for a lieing cheating women. Here's the thing: sometimes we have be man enough -- stand up parent enough -- to bite our tongue to do what's in our kids' long term best interest, separating what's our issues from that of our kids, and not letting our own toxic venom spill over to poison the relationship our children have with their other parent. I grant you, it's perhaps one of the hardest challenges of the parenting role, to separate of own issues from our children's best long term interests. Nevertheless, sometimes that's what's called for.... making best effort not to become a toxic parent ourselves. Now i thought i answered your question but he it is if I screwed up and they didnt want to for give me that is thier thing and i am man enough to live with thier decssion its thier right. Well, that's all fine and good, except it's not only about being "man enough" but also about what your children would lose by not having your presence in their life... their loss, by their own hand, only because somewhere along the way in their growing up years they perhaps well learned about morals, but never learned about things equally important, things like humility, empathy, mercy and compassion. I can appreciate what you say when you say "you've made your own bed now lay in it". I can appreciate that. I really can. But as I said earlier, "let the punishment fit the crime." And if one is going to meter out a life time of exile for what might have only been a temporary lose of good judgment many years ago, it only seems to me the sort of excessive unfit punishment that long term does these adult children no beneficial good. And that to me is a gosh darn shame. And so perhaps all the more reason not to speak of these things to our children in their younger years.... or at least not until they are much, much older and so can better comprehend these things with more mature eyes, with a more grown up perspective, and hopefully at a point in their own lives where their own experiences and level of maturity have now afford them those better qualities of some humility, empathy, mercy and compassion. Apolinary

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Msg: 365 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/22/2008 7:36:47 AM
anyoneoutthier wrote: I told my daugther about this and than i asked her what should i do if i knew my wife was cheating, Well first off she said i would have to prove it as she would never belive her would cheat. With all due respect, that's almost laughable, first because any genuinely loving parent wouldn't burden their child with such things, and second because even if we were foolish enough to burden them with such information, we don't have to prove a darn thing -- they can either believe it or not. But what we don't do is always puppy dog around our kids only seeking their approval, or trying to prove things to them which their young minds can't properly comprehend if only for a lack of life experience. To tell a child, or even a teenager that their parent is having an affair is to only tell them a half truth, to burden them with a degree of detail they do not need to know, and done by either the unwisest or the most self- serving. I all so asked if we were getting a divorce if she would want to know the reason and she said she would want to know why. And if you told her that, just as an example here, you and her mother were getting a divorce because of her mother's supposed infidelity, that would only be a half truth because an extra-marital affair is just a symptom, not the root problem. Now you might get that or you might not. But if you don't get that with your six decades of life experience, then just imagine how much more difficult it might be for someone of lesser years to get it... how difficult it might be for any young adult to get that, let alone a teenager or some younger child. Apolinary

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Msg: 363 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/22/2008 6:38:57 AM
anyoneoutthier wrote: The old saying is you make your bed you sleep in it, if you screw up face the music and dont pass the blame off on others that is what is wrong with this whole world just a bunch of dam cowards that cant face up to thier own screw up. Well, there's another old saying: let the punishment fit the crime. One person qutoed the bible about forgiveing well i am not god and to forgive you have to earn that from me. Hmmm, interesting. And yet, I'm still waiting upon an answer for the earlier question I posed to you, namely: wouldn't it be a shame if in your human imperfection you years ago had some temporary lapse of judgement, your children held that against you all the rest of your years, then left never benefitting from all the good they might have otherwise had from you? Apolinary

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Msg: 12 (view)

Advice? Posted: 4/22/2008 4:28:53 AM
hotcon6794 wrote: > First of all, thanks. I got a pretty wide variety of advice in the 10 responses so far. > Everything from "run screaming for the hills" to "steal all of em and run away to > Kathmandu." I still don't know what the best thing is... love is a cruel and confusing > mistress. Hotcon6794, Someone once said, "We are not revitalized or transformed as often by a change of circumstances as we are by a change of perspective." I can't change your circumstances, but I can afford you a change of perspective. And that might make all the difference in the world to you. If you get nothing else from this post, then just get these five words: love is not self-sacrifice. You speak of being in love with a woman who has an abundance of love to give. And yet I would suggest to you that she is not a loving woman, but rather just a self-sacrificing martyr -- a gal who is metaphorically in a vortex and slowly choosing to allow herself to drown. And you likewise are not a loving man but rather a self-sacrificing martyr as well if you choose to keep holding her hand and slowly allowing yourself to drown right along with her. There is no genuine love for others if we don't always take good care of ourselves first and foremost. Because to not do this is to allow ourselves to eventually become emotionally bankrupt, and in the long run, no good to either ourselves or those nearest and dearest to us. That you are involved in an affair with this woman is case in point because I imagine that you now find yourself violating even your own set of values. Consider that for a moment -- not what others think, but rather that you have allowed yourself to become so self-sacrificing that you have breeched even your own sense of integrity. And then you wonder why you might at this time find yourself feeling confused? Of course you'd feel confused -- you're not even flying by your own moral compass anymore. Ask any genuinely loving parent what they want for their children when they grow up, and it mostly just comes down to two things: they want their grown children to be happy, and they want them to take good care of themselves. And indeed, even at that, if we had to put it down to just one of those two thing, genuinely loving parents would just want their grown children to take good care of themselves because they know when this is done, happiness then comes along as a by-product. So this is what we're talking about -- taking good care of yourself. And in this case, "taking good care of yourself" means setting up some limits and boundaries to best preserve your own emotional well being. So what does all this mean in the most practical of terms? Well, it means that you give this gal of yours a choice -- that she either goes with you, or else stays where she is, but that one way or another, for your own sanity, for your own mental health, and for your own long term emotional well being, you just can't continue with a relationship with her as things stand right now. And she might choose to go with you, or she might not. That's her decision. But you need to get out of this "affair" relationship -- either with or without her. And that's what "taking good care of yourself" means in in this particular situation. But just so we understand each other, I say this again: love is not self-sacrifice. So don't tell me this woman loves you, because what she's doing here is a form of abuse to you -- she's making herself available to you, but she's not. And that is a form of relationship abuse. And all the more so because as you see, it's now having you acting in ways which violate even your own sense of values. And in like manner, if you don't care enough about yourself to extricate yourself from this situation (with or without her) then you likewise aren't being loving to her, but only being a self-destructive self-sacrificing martyr yourself. And what happens to self-sacrificing martyrs (you know, if we're going to talk about what's going to happen when we see a train wreck is coming)? Well, they eventually burn out, become emotionally bankrupt, and in the end long term, neither any good to themselves or of any good to those nearest and dearest to them. So am I judging you for having this affair? No, because being all judgmental about that would be of no help to you. But I am nevertheless saying you need to get out of this affair, (with or without her), if only for your own mental stability and emotional well being. So those are the limits and boundaries you now need to set. Tell her you're walking away from the situation for your own mental health. Tell her you hope she comes too because nothing would make you happier. But if she's hardcore set on remaining a martyr and drowning herself in this situation, then man, don't be foolish enough to be clinging to her hand as she goes down the vortex because if you do that, then just like this foolish gal, you're going to drown too. Anyway, as I said, if you get nothing else from all this, then just burn these five words into your mind: love is not self-sacrifice (although amazing how many people are the eventual authors of their own destruction because they mistaken self-sacrifice for being some sort of love). Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

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Msg: 348 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/21/2008 9:16:51 PM
anyoneoutthier wrote: Now if my wife had cheated i would want my children to know what she had done and if they didnt belive me i would sure prove it to them, I would not want them to got thur the BS of he said she said. I know my children would not have had much to do with me if i ever cheated and i do think they would have been the same way if my wife had. And wouldn't it be a shame if in your human imperfection you years ago had some temporary lapse of judgement, and spurred on by a self-serving spouse, your children held that against you all the rest of your years, then left never benefitting from all the good they might have otherwise had from you. Think it through. As for not wanting kids go to through the BS of he said side said, that pales in comparison to the difficulty when kids are put into a position of divided loyalties, and/or allowed up to a front line to be confronting issues which are well beyond their emotional maturity level, and/or sacrificed to fight battles for us what we should be fighting for ourselves. Again, think it through. Apolinary

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Msg: 341 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/21/2008 1:30:56 PM
anyoneoutthier wrote: One thing is for sure at least they know what thier mother is like, just pray that she did not give that impression that all women are like that. They have a right when it comes to famliy to have a say as it involes them allso being they were 17 and 18 they do understand more than a 8 or 9 year old. Respectfully, no, the children have no rights here, as if family were some sort of democracy where all things get done by consensus and children are involved in all decision making. Rather, family is, if anything, a guardianship, and there are certain issues which we guard against our children's involvement because even if they are 17 and 18 years old, they are still not yet emotionally mature enough to adequately address these matters. What's going on in this situation is between husband and wife, and as best we can, we keep such issues away from our kids so as to not poison their relationship with either parent. But what we don't do is passively or actively use our children as pawns, sacrificing their relationship with either parent for what is nothing more than just self-serving purposes. Husband can be as angry and frustrated as he wants with wife because of her apparent infidelity. But as a parent, as a guardian, as a father, his job is to separate his kids' issues from his own, to guard and keep his boys out of this matrimonial fray, and to do so even if this would be an unpopular decision in their eyes. That's part of the guardianship of parenting -- to guard our kids from decision making and actions which they are not yet mature enough to adequately handle. And all the more so when to do so otherwise would be sacrificing the boys' relationship with their mother only for one's own self-serving purposes. Apolinary

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Msg: 321 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/21/2008 2:19:29 AM
live wire 41 wrote: > Also to the ones that think im a bad father,,,MY kids told me that if mom was cheating > or something was going down. TO PLEASE TELL THEM RIGHT AWAY ,THEY > WANTED TO BE THERE TO CONFRONT HER ON WHY SHE IS DOING THIS > TO OUR FAMILY!!! AND TO SEE THIS FOR THEM SELVES, so we dont hear > dad said this ,and mom said that!!! DID THIS PUT ME IN A BAD SPOT!!! > OH YES!! DAMED IF I DO AND DAMED IF I DONT, at least I apologized > to my boys and told them i was sorry for doing this to them, they are 18 & 17 > young adults. Alright, with all due respect, you're rationalizing here, and really, really poorly. If your sons say to you that they want to know if mom's cheating or something was going down, the response is "Son, this is between your mother and myself." Step up to the plate, take the leadership role as a parent, keep the kids out of this, even if they are 17 & 18 years old. The fact of the matter is that this is a marriage issue, and as distasteful as you may find wife's actions, yours are even worse by not setting some firm healthy boundaries to keep your boys out of this fray. 17 & 18 year olds, even if you want to call them "young adults", are nowhere near emotionally mature enough that they should be dealing with any of this crap. And just spiteful, narcissistic, self-serving cowardice that you would rationalize that you would allow them any role in this rather that saying, "Son, this is between your mother and myself." And yeah, when we're dealing with our teenage kids, life often is a case of "I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't". And why? Because parenting is not a popularity contest, nor a guiding by popular concensus. Rather, it's a guardianship, and this is one of those things you guard your kids from -- whether they like it or not, you keep them out of this crap between husband and wife. Now you can hate your wife for her conduct all you want. But as a father -- as a parent -- you bust your balls to try to repair and preserve good relationships between your boys and their mother because even if you and your wife go your separate ways, long term your boys still need both their mother and their father in their lifes. And all the more so when dealing with teenagers, because as much as they are seemingly young adults, they still lack the capacity of forethought which means we parents sometimes have to make decision which aren't always going to be popular with them. And the moment you even think about getting self-righteous about any of this stuff, remember this: there is at least one thing in this world worse than when one spouse cheats on another, and that's when one parent passively or actively drives a toxic wedge between the kids and their other parent for their own self-serving purposes. So as a husband, you can hate your wife's conduct all you want. But as a father, separate your issues from those of your kids... afford your boys the forethought that even at ages 17 & 18 they are still too young to yet possess themselves. Hope that perspective is of some help.... to your boys who long term need both their parents in their life, and to your role as their dad. Apolinary

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Msg: 17 (view)

finding out your b/f is gay Posted: 4/18/2008 2:22:29 PM
sunflowers2006 wrote: So after 9 months of dating and no sex due to a medical problem you realize something more may be wrong. Ask alot of questions and he admits that the relationship shouldn't have gone as far as it had without being honest but he thought it wouldn't last this long. Now your in love with a guy, he loves you but not in the same way. How do you move on? How do you move on? Separate yourself completely from him, take the time to properly grieve the death of what you thought this relationship was or might have become, heal from that, and then move on. But what you don't do is continue a relationship with someone who has so fundamentally betrayed your truth and lied. Even just by the definition of "friends", healthy friendship relationships don't tolerate such a fundamental betrayal of trust. But with friends like that, who needs undependable and deceptive enemies? I'm not saying kick his ass to the curb as an act of vengeance, but we get treated in life the way we teach others how to treat us, and if you keep up a friendship with someone who so betrays you, you only teach him that you will tolerate being treated this way. Simply put, you deserve better than this, even from someone who you would regard as "friend." So how do you move on? Start by separating yourself completely from him, respecting yourself enough that you won't tolerate this degree of deceit even from someone who was just supposedly a friend. You deserve better than this, just like any of the rest of us. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

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Msg: 96 (view)

Why Do People Cheat ? Posted: 4/18/2008 10:28:37 AM
Miashakti wrote: Sorry Apolinary I don't think you can stop this flow...it is actually a huge movement initiated by ones who want more love, less pain. And how's that working out for your own dating relationships so far? Apolinary

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Msg: 27 (view)

Is it alright to point out your partners flaws? Posted: 4/17/2008 11:29:29 PM
daspark wrote: I was wondering if it was okay?... the mental ones or the physical ones?... During the dating stage, it's perhaps best to limits one's critique to only those situations which will impact you directly. And so, for example, if your girlfriend was perpetually late for dates, this might be a time to point out that you would appreciate your own time being respected. Or perhaps if she parties too much, you might point out to her that you're perhaps not comfortable with this and don't want to get into a pattern where there's too much of this lifestyle going on. Now things shift a bit when folks have been in a longer term relationship because presumably they have become each others best friend (or at least very good friend) and with those who are nearest and dearest to us, we might from time to time, lovingly, (but sparingly) confront them about some aspect of their life. But that, however, is quite a bit different then the earlier parts of a courtship where, if you're not mostly accepting of the person you're with, then perhaps it's otherwise just time to be with someone else where you can be more accepting of them. So if you're going to point out your partner's flaws at this stage of the game, then perhaps just limit your critiquing to only those aspects which directly impact you. And even at that, when confronting, only do so from a place of humility, and not from a place of arrogance, from the humbleness of not quite being sure if it's better to confront someone or otherwise let them follow their own path, rather than at at leveling criticisms in a shoot from the hips sort of manner. me personally i would be okay if a girlfriend told me how i can improve something about myself ,that would make me and her happier ,ONLY if i knew she would love me reguardless and if she didn't bring it up every chance she got, Well, it's good if you're mature enough that you are open to the idea of improving yourself by taking critique from someone who is near and dear to you. But again, while in the courtship stage, tread very carefully with this one if you are even thinking about offering critique yourself. You perhaps might do this -- again, only sparingly -- if your relationship has progressed enough that you are have earned a place in her mind of being her best friend. But until such time, if there is some aspect of her character you feel might need improvement, than better than being her critic is to otherwise simply quietly be her role model... just more quietly leading by your own good example. And why is this of good use? Well, there is an old Polish Proverb which says, "You end up resembling the company you keep." And with that in mind, your own good example is perhaps the best way to inspire others around you to somewhat resemble your own good practices. ....so then at some point if i thought she would look better thinner..i would say something like..."Honey i care about you and think your very attractive, but i think if you loss about 30lbs you would be prettier".....would that type of thing be a no no if your dating? Rather than confronting her about this, again, it would otherwise simply be best to only more quietly lead by your own good example. So go for walks together more often. Or invite her to participate in recreational activities which you yourself perhaps most enjoy... perhaps swimming, or hiking, or signing up for co-ed volleyball, or going in-line skating, or skiing, or whatever. Adopting the lifestyle of these activities will either have her join you (which effectively better accomplished the goal you speak of here) or else discover that perhaps the two of you are not as compatible as you otherwise first thought. So, simply put, put duct tape on the mouth, and be active. And by quietly leading by your own good example, this much better than ever at all saying even a word to her about her weight. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

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Msg: 93 (view)

24m goin on date with 17f Posted: 4/17/2008 9:54:22 PM
flybeta wrote: Is this alright? Its not that big of gap... Not that big a gap? Pardon? Here's a guideline to tell you if the person you're think of dating might be too much of a gap from your own age. This ain't etched in stone, but it's a guideline..... Divide your age in half, and then add 7. So in your case, half of 24 is 12.... plus 7..... gives you 19. So as a guide, if you're now dating someone who's younger than 19, you can reasonably say it's too much of a gap. Apolinary.

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Msg: 28 (view)

One Sided Conversations Posted: 4/17/2008 9:27:28 PM
daspark wrote: I'm gulity of what one of the posters said she didn't like eopel doing when she talked to them.the whole nodding of the head repeatedly or say"hmm" over and over, but i actually am LISTENING when i do those things, am i'm afraid to say anything before the person finishes because then the person will think i'm intterupting, so what should i do? Interrupting someone isn't alway the wrong thing... particularly where someone is just rambling on and on and on about themselves. While there is a place for being courteous and polite, there's also a time to set limits and boundaries, particularly if the person we're engage in conversation with is being rather impolite themselves by too much monopolizing the talking. So if you sense your good nature is being taken advantage off by someone who seemingly only just wants to yap about themselves, then don't at all hesitate to keep yourself from too much being victimized -- sometimes interrupting someone really is the right thing to do. Apolinary

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Msg: 19 (view)

How long should I wait??? Posted: 4/17/2008 9:03:48 PM
nuts4rc wrote: > If it's the latter, I will wait a resonable amout of time to be intimate with her. Yes, a reasonable amount of time ... give her 7 more days. But after that, if this is still an issue, then seriously think about moving on. And why? Because we are near fifty, and getting a little long in the tooth for holding out for these "high moral" gals. Fact is, almost regardless of how many years we have ahead of us, we now better appreciate something we didn't in our younger years -- we're not immortal and the days left in our life are definitely numbered, finite. No, we're not necessarily sex mad. But at the same time, neither are we so immortal the have all the friggin' time in the world. You have X number of days left on this earth, and probably less than that where you're still in fine good health. Don't waste them! And leave little Miss high morals for someone who seemingly doesn't so much value the limited number of days of life and good health they have left. Now what I say to you here might be a bit different if you were 18 or perhaps even 28. But at 48, no. To you I say "carpe diem". Our days are numbered -- our most precious non-renewable resource. So where possible, don't spend them just waiting on someone else's clock. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

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Msg: 12 (view)

One Sided Conversations Posted: 4/17/2008 2:22:13 PM
SunnyTexas wrote: > They never ask you questions, or act as if they even give a crap, what > your interests are, your past, your family or your job. They only want > to talk about THEMSELVES ! Some folks -- could be a guy, could be a gal -- are narcissistic to the point that they really don't perceive anybody else beside themselves. Such folks are usually lacking the capacity for empathy. Yes, they will generally talk at you rather than with you, and one of the hallmarks of their narcissistic tendencies is that they only seem to want to talk about themselves. > There have been two men I’ve met recently who bored the beejeebeez > outta me with the BIG “I” little “u” and it’s starting to get to me a little. > How can you tell these men (or women) that they do this and it’s obnoxious ? > Or should you at all? Is it something they will figure out on their own? Perhaps the best way to deal with such folks is to just say "Good luck with your search," and be done with them. But trying to change a narcissist is often times just an act of futility. Apolinary

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Msg: 90 (view)

Why Do People Cheat ? Posted: 4/17/2008 1:48:24 PM
Miashakti wrote: > The problem is that there is only one form of coupledom hypnotically > etched into the collective mind, and it is a form that is destined to > failure for most... Yes, that's just what we need, more confusion thrown into the mix..... as if dating and contemporary relationships aren't already confusing and complicated enough with all the changes of courtship etiquette and family roles that have occurred since the days of our grandparents, or even our own parents. Thanks, but with all due respect, no thanks... even with just one form of coupledom etched into our collective mind , we're already struggling enough to figure out our own roles and that of others these days without adding even more variables into the mix. Apolinary

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Msg: 29 (view)

Why am I not getting anywhere? Posted: 4/17/2008 1:14:01 PM
sweets1111 wrote: > its the only pic i have unfortunately, Simply put, get more. (can we not get past the looks? LOL) Like it or not, it's a fact of life where dating is concerned that one's pictures are like the first line of one's calling card. If you ask the question "why am I not getting anywhere?" then don't at all question it when you're being advised to get more images of yourself. It is, as I've said, the first line of one's dating calling card, as it were. ************** Beyond this, where your "interests" in your profile page are concerned be specific. If you're interested in conversations, then say what type of conversations because otherwise, a fellow doesn't know if you're interest in talking about movies, or history, or fly fishing, or politics. The type of conversations you like tell a fellow what things you're most interested in, and so better tell him if your interests and his match or not. In like manner, replace "hanging out" with something more specific. "Hanging out" is what we do when we're 14 years old because we haven't yet developed the ability to better articulate what things specifically interest us. You can do better than that. So what do you like to specifically do when you "hang out"? Do you like to barbeque? Or perhaps spend time sunbathing? Or perhaps there are certain types of particular TV shows which are your most favorite? Or garden? Or spend time meandering along hiking trails? Whatever these things are, put those specific things down as part of your interests. You say you are interested in "justice". Only nobody spends a Saturday afternoon saying to others, "let's go do some justice" (well, unless they're Hell's Accountants and they're going downtown to gang audit somebody). But once again, list the about activities or hobbies which most interest you. You also put down that you have an interest in "various types of music". But once again, be specific. Does that mean you are interested in jazz, or rock, or classical music? Do you like rap, or are you of the mind that music is like the candy of life... remove the rapper and it's all good. Be specific. Finally here, you put down "helping people". But what does that mean to you specifically? Does that mean you're into help at country fairs? Or spending time promoting environmental issues? Or spending time coaching children? Or working with the elderly? Or building homes to help the less fortunate? What does "helping people" mean to you specifically? The better you can specifically answer those questions, the better any fellow looking at your profile can decided if his interests and your have any basis of compatibility... and from that, the more likelihood some of those fellows might e-mail you. Hope that's of some help, Apolinary

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Msg: 6 (view)

Hurt by ex bf Posted: 4/17/2008 12:49:59 PM
Katietxgirl wrote: Was I right to just tell him never to call me again and to just leave me alone? I feel I have to do this, or he will just keep hurting me. Good, you're finally wising up. And that's not to say anything bad about him, but only that you're finally doing something which you need for your own healing process. So good for you. You're doing what's part of taking good emotional care of yourself. Apolinary

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Msg: 88 (view)

Why Do People Cheat ? Posted: 4/17/2008 10:31:00 AM
eagleericw wrote: > Also you have to factor in the times we live in. Newsflash: extra marital affairs have been occurring for eons, or the very least, for centuries. Apolinary

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Msg: 87 (view)

Why Do People Cheat ? Posted: 4/17/2008 10:21:11 AM
droobeedoo wrote: > someone who cheats is morally bankrupt. period. end-of-story. Do you know the phrases you're using? How, for example, do you define "morally bankrupt?" Apolinary

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Msg: 16 (view)

Why should i try anymore Posted: 4/16/2008 2:56:47 AM
andrew2004gto wrote: , hmm im proubly just ugly idk i been single for a year and i literly be rejected by 15 plus women and im not try to score i got that out of my system when i was younger i just wanna go to a movie, take her out to eat, spend my time with, just sit on the couch with my arm around her and feeling so good, i miss those days Okay, what can I say that actually might be of some meaningful help? Alright, here goes.... First, quit with the text writing. That might be fine for a quick message from your phone, but when you write, write like someone who's actually been fortunate enough to be afforded an education, rather than what one might expect from a 15 year old. And what I say here goes double for anything you write on your profile page -- spell properly there and punctuate properly.... including using a captial "I" when you're referring to yourself. Second, in terms of interests on your profile page, be more specific than just saying "having fun." We all enjoy having fun, but "having fun" means different things to each of us. As Zig Zigler once put it "Be a meaningful specific rather than a wandering generality". In other words, convey what "having fun" means to YOU specifically. That way, you have a better chance of attracting someone to yourself who also likes the same things you do. Third, the same thing applies to your life -- get specific. Now if whoever I'm dating called me and said "What to hang out?" that might be fine a few times. BUT, it would certainly be more inviting to hear "I'm going to St. Lawrence Market this weekend, want to come?" or "There's a jazz festival down in the Distillery District this weekend, want to go?" or (this one might be something I'd say) "I'm going to head out of the city Saturday morning pre-dawn to go photographing at first light down the back country roads there in Caledon, want to come along?", or "I've heard there's now a Robert Bateman exhibit at the McMichael gallery and I think I'd like to go see that Sunday... want to come?" Okay, granted, I'm 49 and you're 20 and what we each might like to do with our free time will probably differ. But the point is that every example I've just listed there above is something either I or the person I'm dating would like to do... it not only talks about a specific interest of ours, but also suggests activity which more and more will have us spending time with those who share our similar interests. And yes, there's a lot of "hanging out" time too. I mean after all, after going to the St. Lawrence market, it's back home, put some of that food on the barbeque, have a nice dinner and then..... well.... uh.... let's just say hanging out time. :-) So not to worry, "hanging out" time (even if it's just spending an evening on the patio watching folks go by) does happen in all of that. But only that it's something one does in addition to an activity. But if one is only calling another person to do no more than just "hanging out" in short order that just doesn't sound so inviting after a while. Or at least no where near as inviting as someone who has a specific idea of something they specifically want to do (something they either know or imagine they might find of interest) and calls us to ask if we'd like to join them (because gosh darn, they're going to go and do it with or without us, and heck maybe it might be fun to tag along with someone who seemingly their own interests). Do you see what I'm getting at? Now when I was your age (good Lord, did I just say that? LOL) I love to go camping on weekends and would get out of town to go to the provincial parks wherever I could. Now a you might imagine, whatever gal I was dating at the time (or wanted to date) had better like camping, because if she did, then we had a good shared interest and if she didn't, then she's was probably better off with someone else who liked whatever the heck she most liked to do. But it begins with us -- with ourselves... and more and more becoming specific about what things or activities we ourselves find most interesting or enjoyable. And the better we can define that, the better we can find those who also share our similar interests. And that's the place where we find a girlfriend because at least there's more compatibility between us than just something so vague as "hanging out." Now I don't know if that's of any help to you. But one thing I do know, if there's some gal that's of interest to me, when I phone her, I'm going to be phoning already with some specific activity in mind. And not just any activity, but one that I myself find of interest. And if it turns out she finds that of interest to, then we have the making for a date. And if she has no interest, then I can either (1) just go by myself (because then at least I have a life, or; (2) find myself a gal who likes the same sort of activities I like. Anyway, I hope that's of some help. And no, your looks are quite fine (can I say that as a straight guy? LOL Well, too late, I did). But if you want interest from others, than be interesting. And how do we become interesting to someone else? By being a meaningful specific rather than just a wandering generality. And that's about the best I can say about all that. Hope it's of some help. Apolinary

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Msg: 18 (view)

Why do tall big men want tiny women ? Posted: 4/15/2008 11:39:55 PM
Jen3407 wrote: > I am curious i have ran into some tall big men that want tiny petite women . Why > wldnt a man want be able look a woman in the eye an not have bend down to kiss > a lady . I can't speak for other fellow, but at least for myself, whenever I've found some gal attractive, the idea of height vs. ease of kissing doesn't seem to much come into play. And all the more so because if a relationship forms, where kissing is concerned, where there's a will, there's a way. I mean I hear what you're saying. And yes, it does make sense -- it perhaps would be nice to look a woman in the eye, or perhaps within a few inches of similar height, and not have to bend down to kiss her (or likewise have her straining her neck to reach up). But what you're talking about here would require some forethought ("Alright, let's think ahead here and pick a gal who's of similar height to my own .... you know, for ease of kissing's sake). But that might be giving us guys a bit too much credit because I'd venture to guess most of us don't think the matter that far ahead. But for my own part, both taller and shorter women both seem to have their own appeal. When I see a tall gal, I enjoy her fullness, her sense of substances (excluding, however, those are seemingly model thin by today's standards because frankly, those gals aways seem to me too anorexic... but that's just my own subjective tastes). And short gals? Well, quite often their appeal seem to me what I can only describe as a "cute" factor. And that "cute" factor can at times be endearing, appealing and even down right sexy. So this is why you might at times find a tall fellow enjoying the company of a tiny woman.... sometimes the petite "cute" factor in and of itself is a seeming drawing card. And enough so that we taller fellows don't mind at all having to reach down for a kiss. I think looks of someone with time fades but the heart of someone always wring true is there anyone out that thinks that anymores an that true beauty comes from withins not the outside of someone what do people think on thats . I am just curious what peoples views ares ? Yes, looks do fade. And for certain the older we get, the more we come to appreciate the importance of inner character for anyone we're thinking of dating. But what many gals seem to overlook is just how much of a drawing card self-confidence can be for them -- an average looking gal can have a flock of men around her more so than an even better looking gal only because the first of the two is project an image of being both social and at peace with herself. And women of more mature years can actually seem more appealing than their younger counter parts because mature women, generally speaking, have reached a point of life of being more accepting of themselves and from this, to a degree more self-confidence. And this aspect of self-confidence is a huge drawing card in terms of what does or doesn't attract us me.... just as, as I'm sure women will agree, any man's degree of self-confidence is directly proportional to how appealing they find him. But it starts by becoming more accepting of ourselves. And the more we are at peace with ourselves, the more self-confidence we are... and this gets projected out to the point that folks can almost smell it.... just the same way they can almost smell fear, or insecurity, or desperation, or false bravado. So at least in part, how well we do with others will come from how comfortable we have become with ourselves. And that while good looks are an obvious drawing card, at times even more so than this is how each of us either does or doesn't convey a sense of self-confidence. But if this idea at all seems abstract, then we perhaps only need to consider those who we ourselves find to be the most appealing, and to consider how much of that appeal might just come not so much from the person's appearances, but rather from the sense of self-confidence that seems to radiate from them. Apolinary

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Msg: 39 (view)

Talking about sex before even meeting Posted: 4/15/2008 2:39:43 AM
PalomaPark wrote: > I think women don't like to talk about sex just like men don't > like to talk about how much money they have or don't have. You might actually be surprise how forward some gals are in their flirting and conversations. And at times, I've personally found it rather refreshing and actually appreciated a gal who would speak with a bit more candidness about such things. homeonthecoast [msg 36] wrote: > Well for starters..... A most excellent post. Well worth reading. Apolinary

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Msg: 38 (view)

Talking about sex before even meeting Posted: 4/15/2008 2:02:41 AM
Apolinary wrote: Slow down Speedracer, what's your rush? karesse wrote: > I use the phrase "Whoa there Romeo.. can we take the convo back a notch? > We still need to determine if there's anything between us that will keep me > at your side once your prostate eventually croaks" ROTFL. Apolinary

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Msg: 37 (view)

Talking about sex before even meeting Posted: 4/15/2008 1:51:06 AM
uwishtoo_1958 wrote: > Since WHEN is talking about how good you are at oral sex, how often > you like sex, how big you are - considered FLIRTATIOUS ??? > I will block someone in a heartbeat if they go very far - within a few > weeks of chatting then maybe but by then I would have already been > talking to them on the phone. funny but two gentlemen that I met online > NEVER brought sex up - at all - and we ended up seeing each other for a > month before we got intimate and then it was great - and it never would > have happened if they had brought up how great they were. It was much > better to find out together just how great it could be. Well, your comfort level with these things and mine might actually be the same. But once again, this only defines our own comfort level, where as for other folks, their comfort level might be different. That's is all. Apolinary

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Msg: 12 (view)

What to do next? Posted: 4/14/2008 11:48:24 PM
saiaba wrote: What sucks is when we are apart (not face to face) she goes back to acting distant and disconnected complete 180.. I know most people say to move on etc, but what should I really do? What should you really do? Well, you might start by saying, "I deserve a relationship with a reasonable degree of consistency and dependability." But I'm not going to tell you to stay in the relationship you're in because the way you've allowed yourself to be treated here just doesn't strike me as healthy to your own long term emotional well being. The problem in this situation, however, isn't her but rather you. We get treated in life the way we teach others how to treat us. So you're the one who has to put the breaks on all of this, and that's not going to happen until you first wrap your head around the idea that "I deserve a relationship with a reasonable degree of consistency and dependability" .... and tolerate nothing less. Hope that perspective is of some help, Apolinary

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