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 Author Thread: What do you miss about your best bud?
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
What do you miss about your best bud?
Posted: 8/26/2009 1:17:15 PM
Thanks for the replies some of which are cryptic to say the least....
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
It ain't all roses
Posted: 6/19/2009 5:31:44 AM
Not sure who had the lucky escape! I agree with all posters who are thinking, this man and his wife are one stop from Jerry Springers Show....
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 222 (view)
 
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/16/2009 12:56:36 PM
It is wiser to step back and survey the entire situation and the logistics of what may be unfinished business. There are genuine individuals who are wholly over their ex.s and are trying to move on and have their past partners holding on... I think it depends how emotionally attached you become with a person or if it is love at first sight and therefore you feel out of control.

Personally, when I was in this situation I chose not to pursue the situation or even allow it to develop being friends because it was too complex to manage emotionally I felt.

I try to be compassionate though and accept that situations are not always cut and dry...
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
What do you miss about your best bud?
Posted: 5/7/2009 2:04:39 AM
Some wonderful responses here, Time goes on and friends may scatter far and wide, some are lucky tobe closely located to them. I wonder how this new generation that has so many ways to connect mobile, skype, bebo, friendsruinited, facebook, linkedin, plaxo, ecademy... the list is endless... what difficulties will they experience. All these online means still keep us apart.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 5/7/2009 1:57:38 AM
It is important not to be jaded by love's heartaches... to come out of them with clarity and not a chip that ruins your chances with the noble ones that are out there for sure!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Dating a married man or women.
Posted: 5/6/2009 5:54:31 PM
The problem is that some people simply can't just divorce and then date - the fear of loneliness can often surpass the fact that integrity should be ALL.

Or they need a bridge to ensure that they are not going to be alone - and it doesn't matter who it is...

Sometimes it is a genuine love and the collatoral damage is anyone who is involved - the scars are deep and they damage everyone from the jilted/cuckolded partner to children to even grandparents who lose precious moments through their access rights being difficult to maintain.

I am sure that the private regrets and complicity or developing tragedy that sweeps them up should be a lesson to us all.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Armchair Psychology on the First Date?
Posted: 5/6/2009 5:43:43 PM
WOW and I thought I was the only person who was doing the mental armchair psychobabble it is interesting to see that I am not alone in this. What happened to good old fashioned bubble-gum dates where you tried to lassoo the moon and the worst case scenario was that you shrugged off a bad date by a polite 'No thanks - I am busy'....

I find that the older one gets the more jaded inviduals become and so is lost the innocence of time and sometimes experiences (ex's) leave them tormented, or that they are themselves waiting to mastermind their own debacles.

What I am discovering time and time again from my friends is that some of them buy into the hollywood/bollywood love story theme and then the men they choose simply can't live up to these expectations.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Train wrecks that you can/cannot anticipate...
Posted: 5/6/2009 5:22:21 PM
My friend took time to commit to a healthy plan (life, living, not drinking, not smoking, not casual uncommitted flinging... endless list) to avoid her usual hedonism disquised as being 'in the NOW'... or 'In the moment'. Hopefully this time it will last.

She is someone who takes risks regardless of the outcome and will excuse every mistake as dismissed with the view that she is on the first step of self-discovery.

I see her as a train wreck waiting to happen, especially when she describes her ex-partner, ex-boyfriend, others. I wonder how she even got them hooked in the first place.

*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------*-------

I have found myself (almost) wanting to ask the man what did he see in her, because it always ends badly with her and then her remarks about men are scathing to say the least.

I have a relative whose every wish was granted by the largesse of her father, and again there is a future train wreck for some poor guy.

It makes me curious, aside of pure lust or love at 'first sight', why do people not see the warning signals and avoid them, once embroiled how intelligently can one navigate to leave intact?

What have you experienced as a similar train wreck, what was the hook that pulled you in? how did you extricate yourself?
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Should we live apart or get divorced?
Posted: 2/10/2009 5:21:56 PM
I think that the relationship is at a crises point, where communication that is arbitrated is possibly the best approach but also if you can find space to form an alliance that isn't being undermined by another man. To be an impartial support system does not give license to then sleep with the party you are supposed to be supporting back to a healthy marriage of course 3 is a crowd. The friend clearly does not have a noble calling. I think she is confused between duty and the thought of being liberated from the pressure of responding to you from the heart without couching it with either indifference or kindness.

The art of communication is lost on most of us when it comes to saving our marriages or relationships because sometimes the other party has their own agenda and the distance is then difficult to bridge. To bond effectively I think requires a steadfast grace under fire and having commitment to the end result which should always be a healthy relationship. Good luck and hopefully the children won't suffer too much during this critical period in your relationship management.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:28:14 AM
I know that this post makes one think deeply and perhaps have to really pinpoint transformation from pivotal points in one's life... but this posting is like poetry, it flows and every so often the lines that reveal themselves are like following a river that narrows to streams to tributaries, that join from hairline streams around rocks, an old boot, a broken racquet to a lost silver earing... then back to the central stream that widens and becomes part of the whole...

We meet people and significant others, they stay they leave they return... we change, we grow, we rejoin others with all these different shades and depths that have been shaped from within and outside...
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 69 (view)
 
time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/13/2008 3:42:59 PM
[Excuse me, whateveryournameis FYI....

........WOMEN NOT ONLY CHEAT THEY LIE ABOUT IT.

NosyP said:

<div class='quote'> "quote"> Most females lie "more cleverly and successfully than men" about everything from infidelity and face-lifts to barhopping and shopping binges.

"Women lie as a survival technique, but also to get what they want", according to Barash who teaches gender studies at Sarah Lawrence College.

Just a reminder. Flaming is against forums rules.

Barash needs a slap! If this is the pivotal core of teaching then it is not only corruptive but also divisive and teaches bad form.

It is exactly this kind of weak pitiful gender bashing that leads to sexual discrimination, I would never trust any kind of psychiatrist or therapist, teacher or partner that had such a pathetic approach to the sexes... such a major generalisation leads to further confusion and disenchantment through distorting societal value systems.

My advice to the OP, take some time out and clear your head. Really think about your core values and rethink your purpose. What you believe are the purest ideals that drive you and then see if you can distil from that a level of temperance and self awareness. To deliver you from what seems to me a complex situation, you need a plan that helps you to heal, and detach yourself from a traumatising situation. I guess that you cannot feel a healthy sense of balance and this surely must be soul destroying?

I think that you should have confronted her immediately about the first piece of 'evidence', and faced the consequences courageously. Leaving things has intensified the duration of the issue. Also, gentlemen who are true do not constantly talk about 'doing the right thing', it is just done.

Finally, blondesertrat comments is so corrupted that no sane woman would accept the statements he has made which have an evil undertone that I can only liken to some bizarre cult ... it is so twisted I would only approach such posters with garlic necklaces and a huge silver cross. I am absolutely disgusted!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Serial killers and their alter motives.
Posted: 7/13/2008 12:15:44 PM
Merrylass, Noseyposey is narcissistic so he thinks you are focussed on following him (kiddin')


I worked at a company where one of the London office salesmen was dubiously creepy, I sensed it like a spiders 6th Sense, I shuddered near him. He snarled at me over interjecting the photocopier when he was printing, and I cut in. I wasn't intimidated and shot him a curt response, and later I raised a complaint about him to one of the directors, for his bizarre outbreak.

It turned out that much later we discovered, when he had left the company and the police were questioning us, of his whereabouts, he had a rap sheet and was considered a serial killer in Europe, he had posed as a doctor at one time. It came as no surprise, there was a look of contempt and sinister undercurrents that belied his demeanour.

One of our employees (female) had warned me on the quiet that she had raised an alarm for sexual harassment against him... so many clues...

Angelheart as usual reasons with the gracefulness of a thoroughbred...
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
conflict resolution
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:48:15 AM
Ameera... fantastic mind beautiful person that you are...

I rest my case, I call it the 'dance' too how funny I nearly wrote that myself.

I do believe in being forgiving and turning the other cheek, waiting trying to fathom the depths of murky gloom, doom and general disagreeableness... but most of the time, anyone who cannot get past sulking, pouting, sneaking around with a thunder cloud over their head whilst disguising all this as some kind of beautiful introspection needs to left alone... unless you are temperamentally so well suited that it fits your own little pirouette...

I have to add that had the OP's partner been consistent he would not have engaged in the 'I love you', dialogue and then changed his mind the next day to fire off a sarcastic salvo of malcontent to hurt the OP because he was still fuming...

One has to also think about the mental dialogue that is being played out in the mind of someone who is brooding darkly... How pleasant that must be to have on loudspeaker... NOT!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 41 (view)
 
conflict resolution
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:00:18 AM
This is an interesting posting, because it is opening out to posters exposing and sharing their own conflict management styles, and what I find fascinating about forums is that they reveal allot about the posters often beyond the initial posters query.

Lets face it this is a catharsis and it maybe helps to identify the root causes in your own resolutions by reading other's anecdotes, and examples and at the same time reflecting on your own enema's.

The key aspects here were that the OP had as Rune put it unmet expectations. The OP's Love Interest exposed his 'immature/childish', (petulance, sulking, seething, etc) behaviour which whilst that term may not be helpful in the context of the OP's need to be in a mature relationship with an adult quickly dissolved the bubble, because now she has to compensate, compromise, understand, conciliate, sit back, reflect, be compassionate, be patient, whilst he takes his own stages of cooling down, forgiving, and thinking what he needs to do to save the situation, or let it foster and create deeper rifts of bitterness.

The difficulty is that lets face it 'love rules'. So once you love a person you may find you are stuck for a while or a lifetime with an incorrigible, cantankerous, hell-hound, but you will find your own way to navigate him/her... for the sake of peace, and during those moments that baskerville-beauty will be a purring pussycat at your feet.

Roll on peaceful tranquility when the warzone has been traversed! (and survived)...

When I have been with those types, having tried the 'parent-child', theories and 'tactics', at peace-making, sometimes it is a case of rolling my eyes until the storm passes... If you know the person is going to sulk, it is best to ensure you have a hobby to divert your attention on rather than fuel the fire... or have to tiptoe on eggs.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:43:23 AM
I guess I am the first to reply here, and would say that perhaps your note can be disseminated as follows:

Being heartbroken isn't a state that changes overnight, as long as that person is missing from your life the feelings remain with you, along with memories and hopes of how it could be. You may find it difficult to discover inner serenity but this doesn't mean that you are being punished and won't connect again with others in the future who have the same integrity towards you as you show them.

I am sorry that the new man you met hasn't lived up to your expectations, but sometimes that happens, and whilst it can be disappointing it is better to dust yourself off and pick yourself up and accept that you won't get closure with someone who just doesn't want to justify themselves to you.

I think rebuilding your self esteem may help you resolve the past issues and if you can focus on this facet of your beautiful nature than you have accomplished something that can help you to face the rejection that currently feels like a knife.

Stay strong, if you leave now you may miss out on the new friend who may want to reach out to you, and if you change your profile settings so that women can hello as friends to you, you would discover a richer world of people rather than a cold world of dating only.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
conflict resolution
Posted: 7/12/2008 4:54:20 AM
Good grief... what is it with prissy madonna's and hot house flowers... they are the first to throw psycho-babble bullshit at you to try to get you to play the 'game', whilst they do absolutely NOTHING to step up to the mark themselves.

Then there are the intelligencia, who usually due to having a bright intelligent mind that decides to try to 'civilise' the obvious comedy of manners.

Yet there are so many others not so, who have perfect harmony in their relationships whilst having (manageable) normal healthy arguments.

Lets face it everyone handles disagreements or full blown arguments in their own unique way. Those that talk of being advocates of healthy conflict management are often the most emotionally challenged, and will sulk, pout, punish, manipulate, undermine etc... passive aggressive for example.

The grown ups in us, get past disagreements but talking about it and resolving with a plan that is consistent and aiming to avoid repetitions of the same.

In the OP's case it just seems that the two people are of different emotional maturity and that poses a difficulty because it means that there is a gulf that needs bridging and for me personally it is hard to.

I am impatient with men who have the maturity of a five year old.

 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What do you miss about your best bud?
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:15:26 PM
DUH?

doh, because I wrote about my best friend and he is male, and so I am asking Male's about their best friends, who may be either gender...(hoping they will relate about a special girl) and think it is a great way to find out how much value individuals (men in this case) have placed in platonic relationships around them.

... AND if those relationships have been distanced by time or space or location, what they miss...
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
What do you miss about your best bud?
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:50:37 PM
and I don't mean your beer...

Some of my most beloved best friends are in the far corners of the earth, San Jose, Singapore, Mexico, New Jersey... New York.... Paris.

I miss that I don't seen them, and it is impractical or expensive or just the way it is.

I spoke to my soulbrother Robin every single day for years and years, and suddenly life takes over. Can you relate to this? If so what moment touches you and leaves you to reflect them, as time marches on?

One precious anecdote I can share is simply sitting together having coffee and being so comfortable and trusting as Friends that we can easily, effortless and with a genuine sense of openness, suddenly draw strangers beside us, and on surrounding tables into our dialogue, naturally... and all of sudden we have realised that there is almost 25-30 people that are all turned into us and we are hosting the area around us and everyone is sharing this adventure of connecting.

This isn't about 'buying a round', to win a popularity poll, but just that I feel he radiates a warmth and empowers me, so that if I wanted to have light breezy dialogues going around me, with lots of new faces, he was encouraging, and uplifting. Many other times we were private, sharing our latest (mis)adventures or trying to listen, support or counsel each other through Life's tapestry of surprises and shocks.

It was in a Bar called Shooters, under the Arches, in Windsor in 1988... Robin and I were never further from each other than an arms length, we could with an unspoken language of friendship communicate more through the eyes than dialogue, and we knew each other so well that like brother and sister we could clock when we wanted to leave or stay. I remember the evening as if it were today and miss how easily accessible he was before he moved his beautiful family due to work.

Wordless comprehension is one of the qualities I miss, the other is the trust of silence, exquisite when it is between friends who do not need to fill the silence. But most of all I miss the real-time moment of just looking deep into the light that flows from the soul out and connect with your own inner spirit, and simply wishing Time could stand still.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 338 (view)
 
Hi just had a date from hell....again
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:21:51 PM

john.duke12 on 7/6/2008 12:05:01 AM
Subject: Hi just had a date from hell....again

Dating has turned into women scoffing down free food instead of treating each other.



I don't usually read someone's last 20 postings but this one made me laugh because every posting from Mr.****I mean Duke, was somehow related to food, whether the word chocolate, bread winner, restaurants, give or take (food), edibles...

Methinks he doth protest too much... and there is something Freudian going on here

 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Hi just had a date from hell....again
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:10:43 PM
I think that the OP nolamichelle made a valid point which if you look at it's root is this: -

She didn't mind going 'dutch', or sharing the cost, but old fashioned values seem to be melting away, and I was thinking the other day that if my partner doesn't open the door for me, and begins to relax where he doesn't think I need to be valued to continue to be respected in these small measures of kindness (if that is a standard he applied when we first dated) then I need to do a re-evaluation and see where we stand.

Here on a first date it is a horror date because it is the end of a date and the end of hopes and anticipations... the end of excitement and curiousity...
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
R Kelly gets acquitted
Posted: 6/28/2008 11:46:24 PM
I agree with Galonthemt, some guys are cheap, and wonder why women have little respect for them and it is statements like labelling a child of 13 that gives one pause...

SHAME ON YOU WINDSLOW!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 112 (view)
 
why do most white guy, there open 2 race,but if your not white or latina then there not interested??
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:18:11 AM
Anyone who is disguisedly or undisguidedly bypassing a person purely on dark skin, is bigoted... no matter how prettily this is represented. FACT.

Over the years, these colour melts will slowly one hopes erode so that actually it is no longer an obvious standard and that such surface shallowness is impossible, if we look with the heart of a child, and not the media brainwashing, that light and thin is the kitemark.

Of course when we are all shades of bark... walnut, beech, jabuto, mahogany, ebony, bamboo.... Then of course we will find the specific shade-bigots slide in, with their designer Pantone ® color formulae charts.

Anyone, only interested in thin people is also missing out probably on a best friend or even possibly soulmate.

I thank God for great parenting and an internal gift of the Gods - that I have never based my own love or attraction to others based on purely surface considerations. Thankfully, it has meant that my life is enriched by my best friend Robin who is ebony, and simply I hero - worship him, and like Soloman his beauty is immeasurable, and other individuals that are every size imaginable and who I find are with loving partners that are like me, not limiting my own choices by some internal selection process that leaves it only possible for me to be surrounded by 2-dimensional people.

This is a fantastic posting because we are quickly discovering what people won't put on their profiles exhibited here....

Note to God: please let's hope none of them are firemen, because they might bypass the 'fat-black', 'chubby-chinese', 'rolly-polly-Indian'... and just pick up the skinny blonde... hell with the rest of us! Note to myself: to attract the shallow, do not get overweight, and stay out of the sun!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 6/21/2008 10:59:27 AM
When you looked in the mirror what did you see? (no werewolves please, or Jekyll/Hides)....
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:39:25 AM
Some nicely toned and very shrewd observations, Rune3, the two that stand out are that whilst if you have a sensible balanced approach you will automatically do 'the right thing', in your transactions with people and situations. Moreover to redress the karmic balance and harmony - sure you try to be fair.

I don't have biased opinions, consistent with self-deluding beliefs, I am a free-child, and like to pursue the thought constantly evolving the idea, like any scientific-styled mind, I am looking for answers, I am fascinated by the steps that are different and not what is normal for one culture, or group or class. Sure it is easier if you have a full belly to be more charitable, and I like your thought process when you clarify that it is when one is insecure that the tests and challenges are there to prove the self.

I also agree that a calm almost insipid relationship, where polite exchanges may in private turn into more dramatic ones.

I think that passionate, fiery relationships can work - they can be harmonious for those who they suit in temprement and style and can be exciting and even if they appear virulent to the unexposed types for whom these seem high drama, they are eventful. I was alluding to the kind of relationships where individuals seem to be perhaps so intense that they appear almost frozen. Beneath such surface stillness there can be a quake of volcanic emotion simmering. Sometimes, it may be quietly beautiful and surprising when it is expelled, other times it can be a simmering destructive force that is calculating and like sugared strychnine.

 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Being in the cross-fire between friends
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:51:30 PM
It is very interesting to me, I ask because I find myself trying to be fair and non-judgemental but often it is a case of donning a virtual hat and playing a part, and for me it varies between being almost in a counsellor role to mediator, sometimes I seem to be an observer, or audience spellbound at the direction and flow of the verbal traffic lol and I wonder if I should be conducting it ... anything but being a collaborator...

I know that under Game Theory, if the two were separated and put in a cell that they would not only sell each other, but would go for tick-tack payback -tit-4-tat... and would never compromise to both of their advantage.

Othertimes this particular couple are both in 'rage' versus, 'injured party', mode and therefore, no-one wins... I try to leave by the back door but one of them is usually sat on the handle of my purse or my coatsleeve ... and it is raining here.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/20/2008 5:44:17 PM
Again, this isn't about TV ratings but the concept of how few people one might meet in a lifetime that have a strong sense of ethics - enough to take risks to prove that they won't be bullied into submitting to another's low standards of morality or due process.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Transformed by love or break-up
Posted: 6/16/2008 1:57:05 PM
Transformed by love or break-up... which do you feel or believed changed you the most?

The impulse to cling to the past is self-defeating - the bridge between what can be and what is, we each climb in our own ways - sometimes being hand held by a friend or lover.

How were you transformed? was it a physical change, a mental change or an emotional one.

For some break-ups the lover simply crumbles in despair and desolation, ill-health follows.
Yet you can be 'love-sick'.

Why give a rose, in love knowing that it has thorns, unless these are a reminder of the obvious pain of love itself.

If you were morphed from the deepest or most significant transformation which one left you the wiser?

Do you feel jaded by your memories? Would you go through it again if the situation presented itself or are you searching for yourself and trying to find who you were before, because it was a more joyous time?

Most people say they are a better person for their experiences, others feel that they are broken inside because of it?

What leaves the deepest scars - profound break-up heartache from unrequited love, or cruelty, and/or cold indifference from ex-lovers?

Did you see an ex. after a period apart, of no contact and take stock of their transformation to discover from them or those qualified to advise you that your ex. was transformed by your breakup with them?

Are you in love and finding yourself changing and developing such that you are self-aware and can feel it inside yourself and finding it magical as it happens to you?

Do you welcome love again into your life, and hope it is exciting, or would you prefer it to be a calmer journey?
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Being in the cross-fire between friends
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:38:17 PM
This can be pretty hard, have you found yourself playing one of the roles below or something else?

1) mediator
2) counsellor
3) active participant (oops)
4) all the above and more
5) referee
6) Parent

I find that it is a fine line between trying to be the supportive friend, or suddenly discovering that you are wearing a different 'hat' altogether, and that it can really become as much a learning curve about yourself as the couple who you are helping because you are friends.

What is hard is to stay neutral enough not to be considered interfering when you have been 'dragged into it'. Or to show empathy when the couple spiral out of control and when all appears to be finished (and in fact only hell freezing over can bring them together - they snarl)... and they are back again all loved up until another hairline issue kicks them off.

What are your experiences of duelling lovers and your active or reactive, or inactive role within their domestic (dis)harmony?
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:43:16 AM
LOL

hardly anyone could relate to Raif, apart from me, as my mother said I was a female version of him

He was Asian, and had a distinctive manner that made him different therefore not 'everyman'.

At any rate this forum posting isn't about reality TV but about the moments of personal rockface sliding we have each experienced when we could have easily stepped on someone else's shoulder and possibly kicked them in the head in case they clung to our ankle and burdened us.... To get ahead, or where things have not been easy, effortless and even if they were - we put ourselves in some kind of personal challenge and realised that it would hurt to stand out from the crowd, and we had to just to sleep at night.

I think that those special extraordinary few who do, can and continue to ... thank god and bless them.

Those that don't, are on the sidelines and remain there sometimes they step back rather than volunteer for active duty to the frontline.

I just know that historically both my brother and I continued to brave the bleak icy wind standing up for others even as we were close to being beaten up ourselves.

I genuinely understand it if a safe existence has led to a level of comfort that makes one complacent and only wishing to mind one's own business in the face of possible danger.

I have seen even small children that reminded me of myself at the same age sticking out a determined chin and then taking that step forward and even when fearful, knowing it was the right thing to do.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:22:40 PM
I thank God for all those who do not 'avoid drama'... side-stepping it like they have just discovered some poop dollop in a suburban well manicured road, but instead recognise it, and then actively respond.

Under the bridge off the M4 into London, lives the semblance of a man, in that he is covered every inch by at least 20 years of grime, it coats every pore and you can barely see the colour of his eyes since they also seem grimey.

Many drive past judging him, I am sure, perhaps one day I did too, though I don't recall. Some are curious but politely ensure that he is invisible lest they have to grapple with the ugliness of his condition, (conjecture here - artistic licence - I am assuming this of course)

One or two drively slowly past, and hand him some small inocuous gift, which he accepts with a soft nod. A can of fizzy drink, or maybe a sandwhich. In my case just a scarf, it was impromptu.

I am thinking -there but for the Grace of God go 'i'.

There was obviously no cost in doing this for me, but then again not to have done something to reach out to him - the forgotton man, would have meant something inside would bleed in him to feel neglected I felt, and would have reminded me how pitiless I must have to be to blank him.

As he took the scarf for a moment our fingers grazed, when I held my wheel again, I realised that the soot and charcoal of London had touched me through him, but then so had his spirit and it was worth the fight rather than the flight.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:23:29 PM
I saw the episode, that isn't the scene I am setting here, I am not presenting a quest to discover the fatality that an individual may face for a poor commercial decision, but asking if anyone reading this can share (an interesting hopefully ) anecdote about rising above the norm.

This question isn't about doing what comes naturally untested and without challenges - but about facing adversity; perhaps being considered a whistleblower or standing up to a class bully by reporting him rather than hiding in the shadows...

Or those single acts of courage that we witness that show us that chivalry is not dead in normal life. The stranger that risks his life and limb rather than stand by the sidelines and watch us being crushed.

Sometimes there is the individual who refuses to back-stab when everyone else around him/her is exploiting a situation.

There have been many occasions in my life where I have had to take a personal stand for the underdog, even at person cost, selecting to be fully accountable but knowing it could cost me my job.

This was not about seeking 'drama' or danger, or vicariously living out some need to experience fear, but that I felt it was the right thing to do, and did a risk assessment on my ability to manage the situation, and realised it was very likely to be unmanageable, but nevertheless the danger was worth facing. I was often humbled by how many others came to my side and became a part of my journey even if it was simple gesture like standing silently by my side listening and being there for me, when they were like witnesses refusing to betray, or reject moreover disengage from my personal difficulty.

Others slipped away, surrepticiously with no more than a ripple than an eel sliding into the river.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:00:28 PM
The question isn't whether you watch 'reality-tv' shows, which may be fakes, because I am sure that enough people are drawn to slowing down along a motorway when there is an accident just to glimpse the disaster, rather than quickly speed by and let the authorities do what they need to.

Those kind of moral choices become almost automatic, you can't help but be curious.

The main point to me was that Raif, selected to bypass the award of being 'the Apprentice', since the cost meant to him being a mudslinger and he wasn't prepared to be that.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:54:16 PM
Beautifully stated...

you are right - you cannot lose being 'classy'.

Moral dillemma's - we all face, but they say everyone has a price.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
The rules of engagement - willfully inelegant
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:35:45 PM
I have been catching 'the Apprentice', and the one thing that really made me cringe was that in the final analysis the candidates were encouraged to be sleazeballs, stabbing each other in the back and although Raif (in the UK version) refused to lower his standards, the dog-eat-dog tactics were prevailent. This was in clear evidence when there was a standoff between them, and they applied blame-tactics, pointing to each other's failures to exonerate themselves.

Is this what we are reduced to where the rules of engagement are such that we don't care about value systems such as having integrity, or morality anymore.

I don't believe in extreme views and at times I am a free-spirit, but I do have a sense of personal standard that I can benchark and draw my inner strength from.

By the way the thing that sometimes surprises me in relationships that seem to degenerate to slanging matches, because of low values or due to to some other negative toxicity, sometimes seem to outlast the ones you think seem perfect (on the surface) where there are more well-mannered disagreements.

Can you share an occasion where you selected to 'lose' the battle rather than lower your standards? or played fair in the face of opposition at personal cost?
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 220 (view)
 
Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/9/2008 12:52:48 PM
There is some fascinating responses, from those that call you a victim without any compassion or comprehension of you in your shoes, and those that want to help you heal by solutions ... they are pretty cool, they guide without beating you up with more name-calling and therefore further abuse... I mean kick a dog when it is down why don't you, remind me never call them when I am hurting!

Then I think there are those that are so beloved to us all, and are so like the friends I have been so fortunate to find in my life, they do with words what only angels can do with inner strength... Softly take your hand, offer you their email address for a one-to-one conforter... or take a long time giving up their own precious time to address each line of yours with some reasoned thinking.

It is as if they want to lead you out of the dark places you found yourself and when you are so fragile and trying to find your way through loneliness and sadness, and the feelings of realising that you invested so much time forgiving another broken soul because you had the capacity to forgive, but that it ate into your self confidence and self-esteem and that is part of your moral dilemma now to rebuild your psyche.

My best advice would be to keep talking about it, make new friends here, and have the emotional support through those of us that are happy to be here for you, and to back your own commitment to your purpose and cause by self-hypnosis: ANGELHEARTS affirmations that remind you to stand straight, and not stoop or cower in the face of confusion, such that you can move in a new direction free of any latent or residual feelings that reach out to HIM the abuser. Her list for you could be printed off and stuck on every single door, and mirror so that you rehearse your new life from the script up.

Free him too, let him find his own way and choose to be released from any responsibility towards him, either through misguided longing, habitual yearning, or obsession.

"Somewhere over the rainbow" is a beautiful song that may be your signature... or perhaps Moon River... either one has a simple sentiment of hope and adventure. Just think, Huckleberry Finn is such a wonderful friend to Tom Sawyer and vice verse... I feel that you too can find a partner again, it may be sometime in the future, but it should hopefully be someone with a wonderful nature that treats you as you should be:- precious, beloved, sacred love is effortless and kind and it can be discovered at any time in Life, whatever your circumstances.

I think that I would rather you long for that, then for someone who was so broken that he had to break others to feel whole.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:00:39 PM
mytfineman has written exactly what I wanted to say, but extraordinarily better than I did....

I can forget to eat all day, or stay in the office until 10 and realise that there will be more days to complete the project or task... especially, if I am cerebrally engaged by a challenge or exciting deliverable... It feels natural, but it slowly erodes the quality of your own life... and of course relationships.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:04:10 AM
Hey Chris,

Lateral thinking was a concept from Edward De Bono... he also wrote Conflicts etc...
During relationships I was focussed in a balanced way but with weak partners I had to compromise for their inadequacies. Not that I saw this, but it was stated to me in softly lighted compassionate post mortems from my truest Friends, those who were with me then and remain beacons of light now. It was never said so coldly as I have stated it here, nevertheless it was said... gently, kindly and respectfully. When I realised put everyone else first, I didn't think twice about it. I still don't, and if unchecked, I would still continue.

I love the way that this post is following rivulets of human comprehension and intersection. I like that when I come back to re-read or look in, I find different perceptions carrying it forward another step. It shows that ideas and feelings can be nourished by those capable of building relationships, and those that cannot cut a string dead with their sizzzzor of no-hope, 'eyesofdeepblue' is very right when she shares her insight on the 'fake's here, they know who they are, and how empty it must be to know that they cannot integrate with those of us who have sincerity and integrity, and who would find out the reality eventually.

You are sweet person Chris, because like others here you show you are reliable Friend, and able to take charge of unsettling situations with conspicuous thoughfullness.

Back to my initial question, it is unnerving to discover in yourself that a need to be engaged in productivity is essentially a means to an end, but that being busy can leave no space or time free for someone who needs quality time with you.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Seismically active foundations in relationships
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:27:15 AM
Some great examples, I genuinely believe that it is up to you how you react, but it is educational to discover that I am not the only one who had a weak partner in the past who was swayed by outward forces!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
actions vs. words and the wonderment of the hypocite
Posted: 6/4/2008 12:20:03 PM
eyesofdeepblue on 6/4/2008 419 AM
Subject: actions vs. words and the wonderment of the hypocite
Message: Me thinks there is a bit of hypocrisy inasmuch as a certain contributor who shall remain nameless represents him/herself as being loyal, supportive, sincere, and even goes so far as to express a certain displeasure at the prospect of someone eliciting humor at the expense of others, and yet the numerous contradictory actions embedded in the text of said person's comment clearly contradict the behavior this individual claims to exhibit and/or favor in the body of his/her POF profile.



Aaaaaah the keen observer in eyesofdeepblue, never miss a trick, by the way this is not me who she speaketh ofeth...




Those wonderful characteristics were nothing more than descriptive words simply sprinkled in the profile in order to attract a fish with a good head on it's shoulders, but ooooooooh...... will that fish be very surprised when it discovers what is REALLY holding the fishing pole.


We wonder indeed... in fact we obsess over the fish, what is it? platypuss, or catfish, or slippery eel?
('')
('')

What initially appeared to be a conundrum is quite clear now because it has everything and anything to do with the fact that the depth which is required to comprehend and contribute constructively to the OP's post has triggered of certain inadequacies in said person, so he/she felt a quick remedy which included injecting OP with self doubt,



Hey yeah, I did feel self-doubt! Darn it ('')
('')


and making a distasteful recommendation in a public forum, again contradicting the text in his/her profile would bring the OP's future posts her down to a more simplistic level. 1+1+2 = :0 )


So true I became a complete simpleton, pretty darn dumb, stupider than stupider... and I was going to simply my natural language like I was conversin' with Aliens... I even contemplated SIGN language, like an aircraft signaller, or a policeman directing traffic...



Now that was just on the surface. There is more.
Tell me Tell me... ('')
('')


This is about the need to have control and power over others through the art of degradation.
aha!!!! ('')
('')



One of the many beautiful things about self reflection and personal growth is that you are able to see with clarity. People who feel the need to randomly belittle others do so for a reason. It helps them to feel as if ~**for fleeting a moment**~ they are elevated because their deep rooted feelings of inadequacy morph into a defensive self centered nature which then triggers off the unadulterated desire to LEAP at the opportunity to ~**cause others pain**~ (rather than invest time into working through their own difficulties) gives them a temporary high. Could you imagine having so little self respect that you would take your own self doubt and inject it in innocent victims in order to show them just how much you hurt on a regular basis? Hurt people hurt.


SO TRUE!!!! Wisdom though ART WOMAN with deepblueeyesofbluedeeplybeautifulandwise


OP, just to reiterate, there is no need to defend yourself to anyone who is consciously trying to knock you down in order to elevate him/herself. A little compassion and understanding go a long way.


With me it goes a long long way... it makes the difference between people out there reading this, and maybe experiencing worse, wondering whether to post on these forums and ask for help at a moment when their chin in on the pavement... and they feel desolate and the solitary echo of being alone, forgetting God is there, and wondering if they should die a little more... if they don't have someone to talk to... or just understand and empathise NOT sympathise or call them names...



For me - hey Afterall Tomorrow is another DAY....
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
What would you inscribe or etch for posterity about yourself
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:01:57 PM
The artist/writer Michael Thomas, doingyourownstuntsanddancingonatightwire

to whom I would say.... "if you post your creative website link (amoristicpillow.blogspot.com) of passionate tails then that will be itself a mourning ground that will have one woman turn up in a veil, and a single red rose to lay across the foothills of your buried toes...

The other woman waiting in the wings will spit at your grave (she is latin) and maul the former rose-bearer, as she becomes a dervish diva... "

 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:00:20 PM
Eyesofdeepblue... Thankyou for your insight, and compassionate empathy.

It is interesting those that have a limited braincell (monosyllabic) won't get those of us that have multi-dimensional thinking patterns...

classifiedally, thanks I think I know how classified ads work they are usually sell-one-timers, low-grade/secondhand/cheap n' cheerful tightly costed ads ... grasp what you got and hold it or sell it, for the best price or offer.

I don't need counselling, I need constructive feedback and some direction into how others undertook their own re-investment into balancing their WA (inner peace and harmony).

I tire of those types that point straight to a doctor - passing the buck I call it, or think privately 'lobotomy will do it', whilst they are stroking your brow and checking whether they can swipe your watch off your wrist whilst you are asleep or in a coma because they plugged you with enema's full of the junk they found in Ms. Monroe!

... or worse still plugging for their own profession...




 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:22:16 PM
mthomjmark on 6/4/2008 151 AM
said: If you are so obsessed with things that you can't have balance in life, then you will not have good relationships.


Never with my friendships... but relationships - you are right I have broken hearts strewn behind me... but not many lol ... as I am a committed, faithful type (unlike the ex-hubby)...


I think you are kind of into yourself to be honest. You almost have a pretentious way of talking.


Honestly, I am not self-preoccupied at all, on the contrary, I am obsessed with rescuing others, it is a weakness, I suffer often because of an inner need to replenish the universe - charitable causes, or (so-called) Friends who need rescuing... My way of talking is perfectly natural to me, and I guess if you spoke to me you would quickly become accustomed to my speech patterns which are I guess literary because I am. My apologies if I come across as over wordy, it is an unconscious fault and limitation in me.


I'm observing that you need to start listening to your SO more, and maybe not be so into what you feel and want.


No SO, but then who has time when one is exhaustively self-justifying one's existence with productive (??) activity so that each moment captures meaning and purpose and it wasn't a wasted life(time)... Thank you for your shrewd observations, if you are linear in your approaches and have a tranquil nature than those of us that are frenetic and lateral will be almost aliens. I never think about my own wants or needs, in fact quite the contrary my entire being is driven by a need to be responsible, accountable and take care of those I love... without appearing like a martyr, I cherish my parents and that despite the fears of how their elderly age impairs their quality of life, they are always in my mind as are my loved ones, but a part of my brain seems to cut myself out of my own thinking so that I home in only on goals and results that I know are achievable and I misdirect my energy outwards instead of inwards.

Sorry this sounds so self-involved again, that I am embarrassed.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
A Different Sort of Broken Heart
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:29:23 PM
What a beautiful response from my sweet Friend and sister here, I would recommend talking in silent prayer to your own best friend because since Angels do exist, then surely she would listen softly kneeling by your side and help you find spiritual self-counsel...
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 79 (view)
 
What makes a girl look so innocent ?
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:19:01 PM
... IN New York... My hero and Friend, Michael tells me that BAAAAD is good!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
What would you inscribe or etch for posterity about yourself
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:15:36 PM
... If it were a hieroglyph then I guess that would be quite intriguing... or in Kling-on... speak.

I might leave a 'dot'... to express the full culmination of my life's majesty... it is the blunt end of the piece of string that might unravel me.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:46:59 PM
LOL



When I wrote ... 'x' I didn't mean EX's as in EX-Partner's ...

DOH

I meant, for 'x' an object, or activity..... or a sport, or a specific goal... basically the 'x' marked the spot lol

SORRY no wonder everyone is confused, and lost like some kind of 'hunt the treasure'... everyone is scratching their heads...

 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:21:21 PM
No not at all, in fact this is making me laugh now... I am talking about being so focussed on a target that you isolate yourself indirectly from those who love you or you love because reaching that target becomes your primary focus.

This must be the times - where no-one is interested in work anymore, because we believe the hype of MTV which is that anyone can be successful, whether they work or not so they have plenty of time to be in relationships, because they certainly aren't working or driven to perfection in their art to the exclusion of all else.

I think I was expecting Golf-Widows to reply or men to relate to this concept, but clearly this isn't the case.

I had a friend who loved martial arts, he literally trained to the point where his joints were so badly damaged that he had to give up prematurely and these days he swims instead. Even that he does with intense concentration and his wife will complain that he neglects her because of this passion he has within himself to achieve his aspirations.
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Has your burning desire, obsession .... for... 'x' ruined your relationship?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:50:20 PM
I am sorry, I might be rambling

Let me try to explain, I used to play a hell of a lot of sports, I mean literally up to 3 hours an evening and then of course matches on Saturdays. It took focus and determination, and I never dated at school, or college for that matter because Sports were an obsession with me.

Sorry this sounds like a BIO...

It has been the same as an adult, I have often been so involved with an activity whether it was work or art, (being creatively active) that I have neglected relationships at critical times.

I wondered if others had the same experiences. Being literary, sometimes I try to find ways to explain the thought process that is a journey for me, and I apologise if this is unclear or obscure here.

I know that historically many individuals were the same, it was only in hindsight that you discover what they had lost or experienced as a personal cost to their private (domestic bliss) lives when they were able to look back or at least historians did, due to their singleminded focus on their interests or goals.

Has this happened to you?
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
What would you inscribe or etch for posterity about yourself
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:44:04 PM
... you are passing a rock and want to leave an indication that you were there, would it be a love heart with your love interest's initials or something that reflected your humour?

What would your best friend write about you? (you can lift it straight from the best man's speech) would it be a fitting eulogy?

Wait, what about your ex. would she have something flattering to quote or are her thoughts on you x'rated?

I am not a guy, otherwise I would share my gothic scripted scribbling with you all!
 sphinx-fire
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 76 (view)
 
What makes a girl look so innocent ?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:23:00 PM
Mouthfuls of unmelting butter....


In my case.... I was born on 'Holy Innocent's Day'....
 
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