What Do You Bring To The Table In A Relationship? chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: What Do You Bring To The Table In A Relationship?

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 52 (view)

What Do You Bring To The Table In A Relationship? Posted: 12/29/2007 7:44:01 AM
Over my short time here, I have made the effort to save a collection of thoughtful profiles that I liked and admired for the writer's elegant phrasings or for various other reasons. One lady opened her (old) profile like this, which I thought might be relevant to this thread: We each bring different things into a relationship, but none more important than the intentions in our hearts... By the way, yoodle, if you are reading this, I know you have successfully rewritten your profile in large part, but I enjoyed reading the old one very much. It showed your vulnerabilities in an appealing way... but I'm speaking from a woman's perspective, and I understand that what I find interesting and attractive might not be what works with the opposite sex. :)

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Facial Scrubs & Cleansers.... Posted: 12/13/2007 8:37:02 AM
I've been having a rough time keeping my skin clear and smooth.. as of late, it's been dry and flakey!! If I use my cleanser it stings and burns.... if I don't my skin is oily. Stings and burns mean that the skin care products you use might be wrong for your skin, or an indication that you might be a tad overzealous in your cleansing routine. Mystic Magic is right -- overcleansing will prompt your skin to step up its oil production, which defeats your purpose. You should cleanse no more than twice a day, and exfoliate no more than once a day, using a light touch, with a very mild scrub. Also remember that if a new skin care product seems to irritate your skin, it might mean that you're having an allergic reaction to that product. My skin has always been on the slightly oily side all my life, a small annoyance to be had for the privilege of possessing a smooth, almost wrinkle-free face in later years. I've had success with the following products, which might work well for you, too. Daily Cleanser: Clinique soap (mildest formula). Daily Scrub: Dove Facial Cleansing Cloths (sensitive skin formula) I keep both in my shampoo/conditioner basket, which makes it simple to cleanse and scrub as I take my daily shower.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Breast feeding makes your boobs sag? Posted: 12/12/2007 11:07:04 PM
I believe time + gravity, and weight change associated with pregnancy and childbirth, are the cause of sagging breasts, rather than breastfeeding in itself. There's probably a hereditary factor, too (just as with stretch marks, if you are prone to them, there's not much you can do... I've seen them on people who were thin all their lives). Did you breastfeed? Did it make any visual difference? Do you think it's related? I breastfed my four children for as long as they cared to nurse from the breast. It was the most intense bonding activity I've experienced with them, and the activity which gave me the most loving and satisfying feeling. My babies looked like the cat who's eaten all the cream as they drifted off to sleep after they finished nursing... SO CUTE! My breasts were fuller while I was pregnant (due to weight gain) and nursing (due to milk production), but returned to their normal size without any sagging afterwards. They look the same in my forties as when I was in my twenties. I think gravity is kinder to those of us with smallish breasts, to compensate for the fact that we tend to be ignored by men in favor of well-endowed women. :) Another advantage is that we don't have to wear a bra unless we want to.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Home Association Problems Posted: 12/12/2007 8:36:27 PM
Not to depress ngat73 further, but the problem doesn't end with your putting up the "For Sale" sign. Shortly after I listed my home last year, I received a notice from my HOA directing me to inform my realtor about new rules limiting the size and the number of signs that were allowed to be put up from the community's guarded gate to my residence. I had a bronze statue that I'd kept in my garage for years, since it was taller than 3 ft. and I couldn't display it in my front yard without incurring the association's wrath. I finally sold it to my landscaper, who transported it to Mexico. Maybe he also lived in an HOA-governed community, and could not make use of what he bought?? I've also had the bad luck of having my hardscape contractor walk away from the job before its completion. By the time I figured out it was a waste of my time to sue him, I was threatened with steep fines from the association. My unfinished backyard gazebo needed a roof that was supposed to match the one on my house, and after obtaining the proper specs. from the association, I found that particular color of roof tile has been discontinued. My new contractor assured me he could custom-order the closest match, but the association would not allow him to go ahead with the job. I had to bring in a tile sample for their approval first!

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Home Association Problems Posted: 12/12/2007 6:22:11 PM
Living in a planned neighborhood in Tustin Ranch, Southern California, I've had many experiences with homeowners' associations and their property management companies, mostly negative. Their rules and regulations are written so that they can pretty much call the shots on the color of paint you can use on the exterior of your house, the color of trim on the house, choice of roof tiles, kinds of trees you can have in the front yard, landscaping aesthetics, etc. I've never heard of any "success stories" going against the board, since an individual is likely to run out of money for litigation fees long before the board does. A friend of mine, who lives in the community adjacent to mine that shares the same gate, bought a $1,500 tiki house for her backyard, and was forced to give it away after the board ruled against her in a complaint filed by her neighbor.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Christmas Miracles...it's not too late! Posted: 12/12/2007 6:00:30 PM
Last year I visited two nursing homes and brought fleece blankets for 50 residents and Bath & Body Works lotions and liquid soaps for the nurse aids on those wings. This year I assembled hygiene kits to be given away at shelters for the homeless. Each adult hygiene kit consists of a toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth, shampoo, and body scrub. For the kids, I packed a children's toothbrush and toothpaste, liquid soap, lip balm, and a pack of sugarless gum. The cost is minimal, since I can get full-sized, name-brand toiletry items at my local 99 Cents Store for a dollar each, as well as beautiful gift bags at 50 cents. My youngest daughter helped me put everything together, and my teenage daughter volunteered at the shelter with her aunt. She still has another trip to make before we go out of town for Christmas break.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Need help from the ladies here - Please read my Profile. Thanks Posted: 12/12/2007 9:57:46 AM
I like your main pic and the full-body shot (currently photo #3). The others are less appealing and detract from your profile, IMO. "Oh yeah one last thing. What you just read is the truth, I am not full of crap or too good to be true. I know there are a lot of creeps on PoF but I assure you I am not one of them." I would delete this paragraph. It seems defensive and antagonistic.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Sock it to me! Posted: 12/12/2007 8:36:58 AM
This may seem like a very small point to you, but making your profile easier to read will raise the level of potential interest considerably. For a start, you could separate your paragraphs and correct the spellings of these words: machinist instead of machinst restaurants instead of restraunts belligerent instead of beligerent scenic instead of senic tries instead of tryes continuing instead of contiuing There's an extraneous "who" in the last sentence of your About Me section that should be removed.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

review please Posted: 12/11/2007 9:25:43 AM
When I say father, I don’t mean the kind of man that is a dad because he forgot to buy some Magnums. I would take this sentence out. The rest of your profile is fairly consistent and descriptive. Good luck.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Need a second review Posted: 12/11/2007 9:14:10 AM
I will NEVER hit a woman. This sounds a bit jarring. Makes me wonder why you had to make that declaration in your profile. Things that I'm not looking for: sex This sentence will confuse and disappoint a number of women. Also I want to retract the statement about single mothers. I need to clarify this because I accidently pissed a lot of people off. I will definitely date a single mother. No prob. However I am not gonna step right in and be that child's father. Being the mom's boyfriend, sure, and If I were to marry that woman, Her kids would be taken care of. So when I say meal ticket, that is what I meant and I apologize with my whole heart to anyone who thinks I was dissing single mothers. Completely superfluous! As someone who is practically a single mom myself, I find that whole paragraph patronizing and off-putting. It will not endear you to any single moms out there, that's for sure.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Window shopping Posted: 12/11/2007 8:43:01 AM
My suggestion is lose your angst. It is entirely normal and natural to window shop with internet dating. Not every person who views your profile will choose to email you. Not everyone who writes will stay in contact. Not every date will be smitten with who you are IRL. Not everyone you fell for will return your feelings. That’s just the way things are, online or otherwise. Don’t be too attached to the outcome of any particular development online. Cherish any true connections you may find, and ignore the false starts. And if by chance you find a profile interesting, don’t hesitate to make the initial contact. Good luck. Edited to add: Please separate your paragraphs to make your profile easier to read.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Tattooed eyebrows?!?! Posted: 12/10/2007 2:43:07 PM
I've toyed with getting permanent lash enhancement (kind of like tattooed eyeliner, but not as obvious.) I don't know if this is the same thing referred to by my make-up artist as "eyelash extensions." As he worked on me in close range, I noticed that he had incredibly spiky lashes (very unusual for a Vietnamese male). Without me inquiring about them, he later shared that they were extensions and encouraged me to have the procedure done. As he explained to me, the eyelash extensions would naturally fall out within 6 months or so. They do look natural and beautiful; however, it just seems too much maintenance for me, so I declined.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Tattooed eyebrows?!?! Posted: 12/10/2007 7:54:13 AM
A few years ago, I had my make-up professionally done for my brother's wedding. When the make-up artist asked me if I'd like my eyebrows "shaped" for an extra charge, I readily agreed, since I was curious to see what he could do with my errant brows. I had my eyes closed for most of the 60 minutes it took him to do my make-up, and he used a light touch, so I never realized he had shaved off the outer halves of my eyebrows and expertly drawn in a replacement. My new eyebrows framed my eyes beautifully and I received many compliments on my looks. It wasn't until I washed off my make-up at the end of the evening that I realized most of my eyebrows were gone. I could never figure out how to draw perfect eyebrows the way my make-up artist did, and struggled every morning with an eyebrow pencil that didn't obey my command. For months I lived in fear that I would end up with tattooed eyebrows, but eventually, my eyebrows grew back to their natural state. Whew...!

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Tattooed eyebrows?!?! Posted: 12/9/2007 8:51:02 PM
NatureVision is right. Tattooed eyebrows and tattooed eyelining were marketed as "permanent make-up." They invariably end up being hideous mistakes. I've seen blue eyebrows, women with quizzical eyebrows sporting a perpetually surprised look, and women with eyebrows intentionally placed higher than where their natural eyebrows were (a terribly misguided attempt to shorten a long forehead). There are people who don't exercise caution with regard to their "permanent make-up solution", just as others tend to be plastic surgery junkies. The results aren't pretty.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

gals that don't cook,guys that do Posted: 12/9/2007 12:11:43 PM
If he likes to be the chef, I'd be the sous-chef. As long as we share responsibilities and help each other out in our daily life, it's all good. My husband (stbx) had to teach me to cook when I married him at the age of 28. I was completely spoiled by my mom, who is a superb cook. After I became proficient in the kitchen, my stbx relinquished all duties (he is smart!). By the time we separated in 2005, he hasn't stepped in the kitchen for 14+ years. Stumbling upon a man who knows how to cook would be nice, but it's not on my list of "musts."

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Can anyone take a guess as to why a man would behave this way? Posted: 12/9/2007 11:45:26 AM
On the one hand, part of me feels that since we're not married it's not like he has to call me or justify anything to me for that matter. OP, don't provide excuses for his flagrant inconsideration. I fell like i am constantly being put on the back burner. If you constantly feel this way, it's time to cut him loose. Don't waste a minute more wondering why someone doesn't treat you right. You'd be better off looking for someone else who does. P.S. Do you know you are a beautiful woman? There's plenty of fish in the sea.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 145 (view)

How closely do you look at someone's teeth? Posted: 12/7/2007 10:58:22 AM
I would like to discuss a cultural angle in response to the original post. I grew up in Vietnam, and believe it or not, one of the desired physical characteristics possessed by popular girls in my country is a slightly crooked canine, preferably leaning outward. This is a prized imperfection considered to add immeasurably to a girl's charm... on the same par with the attractiveness of dimples. Of course, after being in the U.S. for more than 30 years, I ended up spending a small fortune on my girls' braces. However, for myself, I still don't much care for the perfect smile, perfect teeth, etc. In fact, I've always found slightly irregular facial features more appealing than plain-vanilla perfection. My natural smile is a half smile. I was brought up to believe that it's impertinent and charmless for a girl to smile showing all her teeth. I still confess an aversion to the typical "Miss America" smile to this day. To each his/her own.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 143 (view)

How closely do you look at someone's teeth? Posted: 12/7/2007 1:06:14 AM
My brother is a dentist. When he was a freshman at Tufts University, all the upperclassmen would tell him, "When you are through with dental school, I guarantee you two things: 1. You will never be able to fall in love with a woman who has bad teeth. 2. When meeting a woman for the first time, the first thing you'll look at is her teeth." My brother claims that he managed to be the exception to this rule, but I'm not quite sure based on my observation of his behavior.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Would you date a cancer survivor Posted: 12/6/2007 12:59:56 AM
If I cared about a person enough to be with him, knowing that he is a cancer survivor wouldn't affect how I view my relationship with him in any way. Not the least bit! It is a total non-issue to me. And if he became ill again, I would not hesitate to be a member of his support team in any way I can. On the other hand, I believe being upfront about any major illness you may have had is absolutely necessary to prevent letdown for either side if your date simply cannot envision him/herself in the caretaker role eventually.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 74 (view)

would it be tragic if you died tomorrow? Posted: 12/5/2007 9:17:26 PM
I don't know if this is too morbid to share, but I've just signed up to buy 4 cemetery plots since the opportunity was presented to me from my soon-to-be-ex's professional association at just under $3,000 each. When my parents bought theirs five years ago at the same cemetery, it cost them ~ $15K for two plots. Since then the cost has risen close to $11,000 per plot. I thought about it and bit the bullet to commit to pre-need planning for my own burial and other family members as well. That led me to contemplate death and dying... I've been avoiding the somber thought since I have four children to raise and in the back of my mind, I'm always worried about predeceasing them. If I died tomorrow, it would only be "tragic" because I couldn't be there for my kids when they still needed me.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 64 (view)

Relationship clock Posted: 12/2/2007 7:46:58 PM
Since taking legal steps to end a 16-year marriage over two and a half years ago, I've mulled over the perception that my romantic shelf life is nearing its expiration date more than a few times. I would like to fall in love again while I'm confident that I still have enough passion to overcome my weariness as I enter a relationship, and that I can maintain the energy to nurture that relationship over the long term. But this longing won't color my perceptions of my fellow fish. The insistent ticking of the clock will not affect my view of whether someone could be the right romantic partner for me.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Article- Recovering From Infidelity... Posted: 11/30/2007 11:45:05 PM
From my experience and what I knew after I immersed myself reading about the experience of others in similar situations, an emotional affair will invariably lead to a physical affair if even a small window of opportunity was present. Even without it, the emotional affair will likely evolve into a full-blown force that sucks the life from a RL relationship. In my case… Five years ago, I had just taken steps to incorporate my husband’s medical practice, a business which thrived in large part due to his hard work and business acumen. I was living the life of a typical well-to-do suburban mom whose daily routine revolved around her children’s activities. I remembered feeling a little complacent, as I had no reasons to be on my toes. The kids were excelling in school; I’ve tailored my work duties so perfectly I could run the medical practice from home and be at their beck and call; we were making buckets of money and had finally completed the long-awaited landscaping of our beautiful home. It was a point in my life where I thought I’d earned my rest and could afford to coast along on our good fortunes for a while. Terrible idea!! Fast forward one year… My already restless husband became more and more preoccupied. He decided to add an M.B.A. to his already impressive collection of graduate degrees. Due to the demands of his study and work schedule, our family time and couple time dwindled from almost nothing to zilch. He started to spend half the night “working” on the computer and most of the morning nodding off in front of it. A few months later, his newly-acquired Lexus was marred with curious dents, and he even admitted to me they were from his hitting the curb too many times while driving sleep-deprived. I became alarmed, frustrated, and disbelieving, but amazingly, chose to remain the suffering fool who would not add to her husband’s burden. Outwardly, I was keeping up my cool facade, but inside my resentments grew and grew. Deep down, both of us could feel the chill in our relationship, but I was still too trusting, to the point of being clueless, and entirely overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising four kids all by myself to think straight. My husband had no reason to upset the apple-cart, as he was fully confident he had his extracurricular activities undercover. The day after I confronted him with his response being callous indifference coupled with sullen silence, I walked into the garage, went straight to the wheeled cart that held what I no longer believed to be his term papers, and took out the first thing I found on the top drawer. It was his black address book which, until that day, I never realized was a meticulous recording of women’s screen names, email addresses, and phone numbers. In the bottom drawer, I discovered stacks and stacks of his late-night chat logs. Barely a few months after I left the marital home, I happened to drop by with the kids just after he left for work without having first logged off his laptop, leaving it in full view on the family room table (without me around, he didn’t care to hide in the garage anymore). I saw that he was in mid-chat with a woman whom I recognized as the most prolific among his chat room harem. Their conversation in Vietnamese, which I understood fairly well initially despite my ignorance of web lingo and my struggle to decipher the clever way in which they managed to transcribe Vietnamese accent marks on a keyboard that only supported alpha-numeric characters, soon had me stumped on an unfamiliar word. I was (and still am) more fluent in Vietnamese than in English, but as a result of leaving my native country at the age of 14, my Vietnamese vocabulary was not that well-rounded. I had to look up the word, and to my dismay discovered its English equivalent to be, "fornication." In the context of their exchange, the woman appeared to be obsessing about that particular sin, as she is Catholic, and furthermore she and my husband apparently indulged in a particular activity that predicated such a sin. Despite being raised to never utter a profanity in my life, at that point, all sorts of sacrilegious thoughts were racing in my mind. I felt like a character in a tawdry novel written without my consent. Mercifully, the laptop crashed on me just at the point when I had ample evidence of my husband’s betrayal, but before my sanity was seriously compromised. The pain and disbelief that lingered in my mind two long years after the fact was mostly caused by my stupefying realization that the husband who was so good to me for 14+ years, could, in the end, be entirely guilt-free and eager to trade a long-term partnership that produced 4 beautiful children for an online fling. Although time has softened the sting somewhat, I still remember with residual bitterness what he told me, on our way back home from a rare family vacation I thoroughly relished before I found out about his betrayal and after I shared with him how the kids were thrilled to bits and could not wait to plan their next trip with us, "I’ll go anywhere as long as I don’t have to sit five hours on a plane." Clearly, his aversion to air travel was due to an allergic reaction to present company and not time or space-related, since it didn’t take him that long to acquire a replacement for a lost passport and hop on a plane for 11 hours straight to meet his paramour for the first time soon after our separation… and a second time one year later. His long-distance relationship eventually fizzled; he as much admitted to me indirectly in one of his emails… but not after it has realized its devastation on our marriage. An online affair, to me, is more pernicious than its real-life counterpart… with the latter I at least have a sense of comparison and familiarity that allows me to deal with it rationally.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Should you attend a specific religion services if you do nott believe everything they preach? Posted: 11/30/2007 8:21:53 PM
I consider myself a lapsed Buddhist. I have never actively sought spiritual direction in my life, but found my experience of attending a Christian service (the few times that I've had the occasion to) enriching and life-affirming. Although I haven't yet, and probably won't, subscribe to the idea of Jesus being my savior, I certainly find great value in the teachings of the Bible (what little I know of it). There is also a certain comfort in appreciating religious allegories.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

Does a woman appreciate literacy in a man? Posted: 11/27/2007 8:51:35 AM
"Allow me to rephrase the question. Does a woman appreciate literacy in a man?" Yes! This woman does. Because I learned English as a second language, it was ingrained in me to follow the rules of grammar and pay special attention to spelling vagaries. I still am not entirely comfortable with my usage of verb tenses and idiomatic prepositions in particular, but when in doubt, I always check the dictionary. It follows that I tend to be more nitpicky than the average native English speaker -- this is a tendency I'm trying to lose. But getting back to your original question, literacy is definitely a big turn-on. In fact, I probably can't will myself to be attracted to someone who is careless and shoddy with the written word.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

Will things really matter? Posted: 11/25/2007 11:11:04 AM
You must avoid the tendency to over-think and burden your new relationship with your have/have-not complex. The imbalance that you fret over might not even cross your date's mind, unless your discomfort is so obvious that it in turn makes him feel out of place. I have a favorite aunt, whom I love dearly. Unlike my mom and my other aunt, who married well in the conventional sense, she has always lived in rather modest circumstances. But she has a talent for making her house a home, and carries that talent with her wherever she goes. I fondly remember my visits to her when I was a child... I never felt more welcome than I was in this woman's presence. What little she had, she shared lovingly with care and pride. Through the years, I've associated with many people from vastly different social stations and found that I've come away much more impressed by those with qualities similar to my aunt's than those with great material wealth who lack graciousness and hospitality.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Article- Recovering From Infidelity... Posted: 11/24/2007 1:53:42 PM
next chapter, since some of the things I shared in my previous post seemed to resonate with you, may I bore you with a few additional observations about my personal experience with infidelity? One of the most frustrating things I’ve experienced was the futility of explaining to people mystified by my seemingly sudden marital breakdown what an emotional affair is, and how it took away from my marriage. I’ve often encountered the incredulous looks that seemed to insinuate I was a paranoid and overly jealous wife, and found that most people tend to discount an emotional affair as something rather harmless, on a par even less significant than a one-time anonymous physical encounter. In fact, I was accused by my mother-in-law for “ending a perfectly good marriage over nothing at all!” I am certain that you, having gone through the same devastating experience, can fully grasp the gravity of the harm an emotional affair can wreck on a marriage. Your complaint about your husband’s frequent escapes to his den struck a chord with me, for I’ve seen mine practically disappear in our garage during the last two years of our marriage! We lived in a two-story, 3,700 sq. ft. home with a downstairs library and an upstairs study that opened to a balcony with a great view, but he preferred the isolation of a poorly-vented, dusty garage, which secured his privacy by virtue of a solid door that separated him from the rest of the family. When I suggested that he move his work station to the library, he declined, saying that he didn’t want to bother because there was no door separating the library from the family room. Looking back, it should have been obvious to me what his secretiveness signified, but the red herring was his work on his master’s. I honestly believed the excessive amount of time he spent on the computer was for researching and completing online projects, and even kept the kids away from him as much as possible to safeguard his precious study time. The result of my thoughtful accommodations was, with our already hectic lives, we ended up spinning in entirely different orbits, and my husband was totally OK with this, while I operated in silent anguish. The other red flag was my husband’s not-too-subtle attitude shift. I remember one incident in particular, as we were discussing the imminent divorce of a couple in our social circle who had been experiencing longstanding marital problems which involved verbal and physical abuse claims by the wife… when I mentioned that it looked like this couple might be breaking up for good this time around, my husband said to me with a knowing pause between every turn of phrase, “After the divorce, he will be viewed as a newly-eligible bachelor -- after all, he is a doctor and a successful man -- but she will be seen as a washed-up, middle-aged divorcee with very few options.” He looked significantly at me after finishing his statement. I remembered thinking to myself, am I imagining things or could it be possible that my husband was actually talking about us? Although I had many reasons to feel unhappy about my marriage at the time, I never suspected infidelity and we rarely had arguments or confrontations of any kind. However, there were more than a few instances where my husband, whether consciously or unconsciously, vented his disappointments and frustrations about our relationship with thinly-veiled hostility. At a CME dinner, where we were seated next to a female drug rep, my husband told her, only halfway tongue-in-cheek, “My wife promised to divorce me if I went for a J.D. after obtaining my MBA,” (he had been steadily hinting about getting a law degree next, knowing I was fully opposed to the idea, having spent two years running on fumes keeping our family and business afloat with my solitary effort). Over the two years that preceded our separation, there were similar incidents where I’ve noted a whiff of the intention to belittle or maim in my husband’s words or behavior – some more pointed; others less so – that seemed to indicate a newly emerged passive-aggressive tendency. But I just couldn’t make the connection to attribute the negative changes in our lives to the presence of another woman (one of many), or to the possibility that his feelings for me have changed. Looking back, I realized my inability to see the situation for what it was had to do with my unwavering belief in my husband’s character and truth-worthiness. How could I not trust him -- he who had never told even one white lie during the 16 years we’ve been together? In the end, our marriage was based on one big, fat, lie of omission. Because I questioned nothing and gave my spouse the benefit of the doubt on everything, he didn’t have to lie in order to carry on his “extracurricular” activities. Quite the opposite, lost in my bewilderment, I stupidly carried the burden for him by assuming the blame for many problems that had nothing to do with me.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Article- Recovering From Infidelity... Posted: 11/21/2007 11:50:27 PM
I think I’m almost at the end of the tunnel as far as peace and healing go, but once in a while, when I thought back on the events that precipitated the demise of my marriage, I still felt temporarily gripped with a sudden sense of anxiety and dejection. When you trusted someone without reservations and thought they were incapable of deception, experiencing betrayal from this previously infallible creature would leave you doubting yourself and shaken to the core. This was what happened to me. In hindsight, it wasn’t as if my marriage was idyllic up until the terrible moment when I was blindsided. It was just that as with anything that happened gradually, my tolerance for dysfunction was stretched to the limit until I was tottering on the edge of insanity wondering why I had allowed it to happen. My husband’s increasingly erratic schedule, antagonistic behavior, and self-imposed isolation from family activities were telling signs. But I willingly and naively attributed these changes to the stress of his heavy workload (he was a hospitalizing physician with a busy private practice who was finishing an MBA program in health care administration at the time). One night, I sat up in bed waiting for him after the kids were tucked in and soundly asleep. It wasn’t unusual for him to come home very late, but that night, something told me it was different this time. His car rolled into our driveway past midnight, and as I watched from an upstairs window, he dawdled for a half-hour longer, speaking on his cell phone in the car. I remained in my room thinking about my marriage and how it has unraveled to this state. When I heard him come in and putter around the kitchen, I came downstairs and asked him in a calm, non-confrontational manner, “Where have you been?” His gruff answer, although worded as a denial, confirmed everything I had already intuited up until that point, “I don’t have an affair, OK? I’ll tell you when I do!” What that meant – and I was able to verify the accuracy of my interpretation later – was that he was indeed in the midst of an affair (an emotional affair with someone he met in a chat room, whom he later traveled halfway around the world to meet, twice… in addition to real-life dalliances with a few different women whom I never perceived to be a threat to our marriage); that he fully intended to throw himself headlong into his midlife obsession regardless of how I felt; that he wanted to believe I had no choice but wait until he decided it’s over between us. The gall of that statement and his cavalier attitude hit me like a brick, and every single loving feeling I had for my husband during our 16 years together evaporated at that instant. I left the room to compose myself, and came back a few minutes later to find him lying in the recliner with his eyes closed. “I don’t want to live with someone who disrespects me so flagrantly. The kids and I will move out as soon as spring break commences.” Those were the last words I said to my stbx. Two weeks later, I left our five-bedroom home to settle in a two-bedroom apartment with our four kids. It has been a little more than two and a half years since my marriage imploded, and I still remember what transpired that night vividly as the most traumatic thing that’s ever left its mark on my psyche. If I didn’t have my kids to focus on during those early days, I don’t think I could ever collect the will to recover from that experience.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 119 (view)

What to say to a guy if you want to wait? Posted: 11/21/2007 12:13:42 PM
Melofelo, I've followed this thread with great interest and found your position on this issue thought-provoking and well-stated, although I don't agree 100% with every point you've brought to the table for discussion. The problem with trusting your feeling of mutual attraction and expecting your lady to act the same without observing some silly rules (such as the infamous 3-date rule and others involving an arbitrary time frame) is because most women have been conditioned to believe that having sex early in the game would end up ruining their chances for a viable relationship, and this belief is ultimately reinforced by society's double standards and our own negative dating experiences with the opposite sex. This is one of the reasons why our sex tends to hold back to avoid risking hurt and disappointment.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Bringing your special somebody to family get toghthers during the holidays. Posted: 11/20/2007 8:54:50 PM
My family would never reject anyone I choose to invite to a holiday get-together, and I believe my family is normal and welcoming enough not to scare off any of my dates. My primary concern would be confusing my children by introducing my date to them too early, or unknowingly making my date squirm with the idea of being included in the family fold before he's ready for it. My secondary concern would be ensuring my date's comfort level if he happens to be non-Vietnamese, as our different cultural customs might require some flexibility and adjustments from both sides.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 50 (view)

How old is too old ?? Posted: 11/20/2007 7:58:14 PM
I married at 28, had my first child at 30 and my fourth at 36. My youngest will be 10 in a couple of months. Every one of my pregnancies was uneventful except for the first, when I developed preclampsia and labor had to be induced a few weeks earlier than the due date. My boy was born with a congenital birth defect (club foot), which was corrected by surgery before he turned one. Since a higher maternal age correlates with an increasing risk of birth defects, assuming you and your boyfriend have agreed to settle down and have children, don't wait too long to conceive. You should talk to your doctor about taking prenatal vitamins as soon as you begin trying for a baby in order to ensure that you're getting enough folic acid before the pregnancy and during the first trimester to help prevent neural tube defects. I've noticed that my energy level has waned somewhat as I age (I am 46), but even with a relative late start, I had no problems raising four children pretty much single-handedly (my stbx is a busy physician and a mostly absent dad). You are still quite young and realistically, your age is not a formidable limiting factor to successful childbirth and child rearing, especially with good planning, proper prenatal care and adequate routine prenatal screening.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Eternal Bachelors - not by choice Posted: 11/20/2007 11:07:59 AM
There is no standard answer to this question since some could perceive red flags over any and every issue whereas others may choose to ignore an obvious red flag if they wanted a relationship badly enough. People are apt to set their dating filters based on their own individual experiences and capacity to trust. As for me personally, a long-term soloist is preferable to a bed-hopping serial dater.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Can you go back down the same road successfully? Posted: 11/20/2007 10:42:15 AM
...but she had a number personal problems that seem to get deeper each time we talked/met. This doesn't seem to bode well for your "do-over" effort.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 73 (view)

How to accept a woman's past... Posted: 11/18/2007 10:38:04 PM
scorpiomover, it is quite dramatic to declare that this is about women treating men your age like you are perverts for existing. I don't know about the London dating scene, but would venture a guess that you're mixing with the wrong crowd for you. Maybe you should try other avenues of meeting people, where you would feel less ill at ease. As for your original topic of discussion, you are under no obligation to "accept a woman's past" if you can't find it in your heart to do so. It seems pretty obvious to me that no matter how you analyze and dissect this issue, you would end up feeling terribly conflicted and unhappy with a woman whose sexual past is more colorful than yours. Your new focus should be finding and attracting a woman who's more compatible with you in that regard. But I think your cynical attitude might be a huge turn-off to many women.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

The subject of unconditional love (with conditions) ? Posted: 11/18/2007 6:39:25 PM
This is my reply to message #17 by TallTexann: It did occur to me that I might have sounded a little more cynical than I intended. I don't doubt the human capacity for experiencing the sort of unconditional love you described, and agree that if both people in a romantic relationship strive to exhibit the behavior inspired by this kind of love, the end result would likely be something beautiful and ideal. However, the gist of my post was to point out that in reality, human interactions are driven by our normal expectations for a certain level of reciprocity and a healthy respect for boundaries. As for giving up a relationship "because you know something or someone else is ultimately better for the person you love", I find that when I have done so in the past, the love I felt for that person eventually fades away to a sort of nostalgic fondness; it could not be sustained at the intensity that would inspire me to put up with a person through thick and thin.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

The subject of unconditional love (with conditions) ? Posted: 11/18/2007 1:03:05 PM
To me, the idea of unconditional love between adults is not a healthy concept. It might be viewed by some as the ideal form of romantic love, but I don't think it can be sustained in reality. Love will eventually be replaced with resentment if one party in a relationship continues to give and give without ever having received anything in return. As a side note, the longevity of a marriage should not be viewed as convincing proof of unconditional love. It might just mean the couple has no other viable options besides staying together, or is too afraid of change to upset the status quo.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

How to accept a woman's past... Posted: 11/17/2007 7:57:14 PM
"It really made me think: is this what sex does to women? Are all women like this once they have regular sex?" No and no! I'm sorry to sound harsh, but after reading your post, I can't help but think that the problem lies partly with you -- that there's something about you that attracts the type of women you can't get along with sexually.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 71 (view)

How Far is to FAR Posted: 11/16/2007 12:18:12 PM
As far as these situations go, what the aggrieved party first find out or what the cheating party would admit to is often only the tip of the iceberg. Your best friend's boyfriend has already admitted to some unambiguous misbehavior with his "gal pals." The line was not drawn with any conviction, and so has been crossed repeatedly. What else does your friend need to know before ending her cohabitation arrangement with this pathetic excuse-maker of a boyfriend?

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Hypersensitivity or the Seinfeld effect Posted: 11/16/2007 10:48:59 AM
Good question & insight, firstlight. I've never watched a single episode of Seinfeld but I think I recognized what you were referring to. I would hope that by the time we reach our forties, we would have gained enough patience and wisdom to temper our expectations with tolerance. Knowing I myself possess more than a few quirks, I tend to be forgiving of others'. The only exception would be a quirk so egregious that it permeates important aspects of daily life and renders a relationship untenable or unbearable, such as an extreme obsessive/compulsive bent, or undue parsimony.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 60 (view)

Seeing is believing. Have you asked to see a license and or cam before meeting? Would you? Posted: 11/16/2007 9:32:22 AM
I find the webcam idea totally demeaning, and the request for checking out a potential date's driver's license before meeting presumptuous. With the right timing and reciprocity, giving out first and last names, phone numbers, and even physical addresses, isn't a big deal to me. I would want that information before I meet anyone from a dating site anyway. But I wouldn't volunteer the information prematurely, and only after I've established a basic level of trust from in-depth email exchanges. I have only met one man with whom I have carried on an email relationship prior to meeting in person, and was reassured by my experience that people can be honest online. Still, it was a bit awkward and disconcerting to reconcile my mental image of him with his actual physical presence. I think this is a common occurrence with online dating, partly because fist-date jitters tend to complicate the process and partly because you don't get a three-dimensional feel for a person from viewing their photos.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

I do not understand and need your help. Posted: 11/15/2007 10:05:49 PM
You come across as sincere and earnest (nice photos, by the way), but your writing contains too many distracting spelling errors. I would suggest leaving out the "bedroom life" paragraph, which is repetitive, confusing, and doesn't jibe with the rest of your profile. Save those details for the woman with whom you have a chance to be more than just friends.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Ageing and a Healthy Mind Posted: 11/15/2007 9:30:45 PM
I have what I call "selective amnesia." It seems to be getting worse as the years go by, but I'm not certain it's age-related. When I was a teen, I have a near-photographic memory. I can imprint an entire page of text on my mind with very little effort. I used this to my advantage when studying for tests to compensate for my poor language skills (English is my second language and when I entered 9th grade in America, I spoke practically no English). I was once accused of cheating by my high school biology teacher because my answers on a test looked like they came straight out of the textbook, but was exonerated after I successfully recited entire paragraphs from memory to prove my innocence. Likewise, I can remember the lyrics of obscure songs I haven't sung for 30 or more years. On the other hand, I have a terrible memory with respect to numbers and dates. If someone asked me when I graduated from high school, I would have to count back from the present to figure it out. The only dates I could be certain about are my children's birthdays and my own, plus my wedding date. Everything else is fuzzy. My memory is also wayward and almost nonexistent when it comes to positional orientation. As a rule, I would print out mapquest directions rather than try to get help from a live person because my mind always manages to shut down after the first "Turn left..." My dad is terribly absent-minded even as a young man, and is showing definite signs of Alzheimer's, although he wouldn't admit it. My mom is sharp as a tack and never forgets a thing. I hope I'll eventually turn out like her instead of my dad.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 41 (view)

Internet Dating. Does it make us all perfectionists? Posted: 11/15/2007 11:01:12 AM
"The fellow I met and fell in love with on PoF was in sync with me from the first email... it has been a ride of discovery rather than investigation..." (message #37 by ItsMargo) That is an apt description, Margo. And congratulations on your PoF happy ending! With my limited experience, I came away with two distinct impressions of online dating: 1/ This venue affords me a greater likelihood of discovering my date's personality and inner self at the pace I set for myself -- without the distractions, trappings and nervousness inherent with RL dating situations that can derail a promising start due to unrealistic expectations and overblown responses to minor human mishaps. It also expands my horizon to allow me to befriend people I'm drawn to and admire based on their elegant writings, people I would not have "met" otherwise if I hadn't ventured online. In this sense, my internet dating experience has proved to be a ride of discovery that enriched my life. 2/ On the other hand, I find myself lacking in confidence with regard to how disclosure affects a budding online relationship. In getting to know someone, you're naturally inclined to share details about yourself and inquire about the other person, in the hope of keeping the conversation lively and reciprocal. With emails, it's difficult for me to judge whether I'm sharing the right things, or the timing and level of sharing are appropriate for correspondence. In a RL situation, I can observe my date's body language and gather other context clues to decide whether I've been misunderstood or misjudged, so that I can adjust my pace or explain myself accordingly. But when I'm trading emails with someone and all of a sudden the exchanges taper off or come to a complete halt, I'm reduced to wondering if something I wrote struck him the wrong way. Another thing that bothers me about online dating is the difficulty of getting past the assumptions and presumptions that people form and hold on to due to their general disappointment with their dating experience. I often feel like I have to earn the benefit of the doubt with just about everyone online, which can often times be discouraging and even off-putting to me. It seems like I have to jump through hoops to gain a basic level of trust. In my RL interactions, trust tends to come much more easily and naturally, and is implicit once I've gained a minimum level of comfort with someone in a dating situation. I've never felt the need to check out somebody's stories or history, to tune my radar to pick up red flags so to speak; and in reverse, I've never encountered anyone who seemed to doubt what I said or who I am. But the pervasive wariness and accusatory attitudes that I picked up from perusing the PoF forum made me feel like I'm somehow responsible for undoing the dating karma of someone else. That is, I find myself starting out in a position of having to prove myself sincere and trustworthy to dispel the negative notions of our collective online baggage. In this sense, I totally get your reference to the internet dating experience as having the potential to turn into a "ride of investigation."

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 161 (view)

Average or a Few Extra Pounds? Posted: 11/14/2007 10:30:50 PM
This is in response to bethlet's post (message #147). If we were to mention certain celebrities as illustrations of what would reasonably fall under the PoF's body type categories, I think it would be too confusing to cite Oprah's or Kirstie Alley's names, as the weights of these women have fluctuated quite a bit over the years. To be perfectly honest, I have never seen Oprah as "average" at any time. Her struggle with obesity is well-documented, as well as Kirstie Alley's. Rachael Ray, although a talented and attractive woman, does not have a "perfect" figure by any means. She definitely has a cute, expressive face, and I'm sure many men, as well as women, would find her charming and alluring. But it would be misleading to suggest that she has the "perfect" body type. In her recent photos, I see her as pleasantly plump. She has sexy curves, but she doesn't look particularly fit.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 50 (view)

Another chance to be positive about men! Posted: 11/14/2007 10:43:35 AM
What I like about men: They are more apt to solve problems than to complain about them. They are likely to be talented and capable with the things we women tend to fumble with. They can be so clueless sometimes, but it is often more endearing than exasperating. The occasional proprietary gestures they make in public make us feel weak and cherished at the same time. They just complement us in so many wonderful ways, it's hard to count.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Skincare products for guys? Posted: 11/14/2007 10:02:39 AM
I keep a box of Dove Facial Cleansing Cloths (I use the type for sensitive skin) in the shower. It is a no-fuss way to exfoliate and you will see the difference very soon. The other advantage is you don't have to bend over the sink and clean up afterwards. Without a doubt, the best skin care product for both sexes is sunscreen. I wish I'd started using it religiously as a teenager. For an Asian woman, my skin is very fair and although I'm happy with it in general, I'm sure it could be even better if I had made a diligent effort to guard it against the sun. Edited to add: I recommend Clinique Clarifying Lotion #1 as a toner gentle enough for most skin types. It is most handy on those days when I'm too tired to go through my night-time routine; I'd just make do by dabbing my face with a few cotton squares saturated with this toner.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Why do women not understand commitment? Posted: 11/14/2007 9:19:41 AM
Scorpiomover, to say that I'm disappointed with your message is an understatement. Your other posts on the forum are usually much more thoughtful than this! I happen to believe that commitment is a beautiful thing. You made it sound so cold... so calculating... so businesslike. I'm appalled. If this is how you feel about relationships, please stay away from women and you won't have to worry about their "expectations." And you can also forget about "perks!"

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 91 (view)

How Old School Are you? Posted: 11/13/2007 1:33:53 AM
I must admit I'm a bit of a technophobe. Have given away every cell phone that was gifted to me by well-meaning friends and family members on various occasions. Think texting is a redundant invention. View IM as a juvenile time-waster. Never turn on the telly myself but understand the concept of reality TV through osmosis (I have 4 kids -- including two teenagers -- in the house). I use the computer everyday due to my job, but am not married to it (I'm sort of engaged to it now that I've found the PoF forum). I've only started using email in a consistent, productive capacity since 2005. I'm sure a little bit of the misplaced resentment I feel for technology has to do with my unfortunate discovery 2 1/2 years ago when I came across a stack of chat logs between my stbx and his long-distance girlfriend. At the time I had no idea what a chatroom was or why all of a sudden my husband seemed to be particularly enthusiastic about something called VoIP. Sadly, my marriage did not survive the intrusion of the internet phantom. Life seems to unfold itself in strange ways. I would not be dating online right now if not for my husband's internet affair.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 102 (view)

Positive Thoughts About Your Last Relationship Posted: 11/12/2007 8:44:18 AM
What I appreciate about my stbx: Has always been more indulgent to me than I was ever to him. Taught me to be assertive and self-reliant by following his example. Never begrudged me and the kids anything materially. Trusted me enough to give me managing control and total discretion over the household and business' finances. Was exceedingly generous to me, even back in the days when we had very little. What I'll always remember fondly about my last relationship (post-separation): He opened me up to the possibility of learning to love and trust again. Made time to write me long, thoughtful letters everyday. Our emails filled up two thick binders and some. Managed to draw me out of my shell with his playfulness despite my resisting every step of the way. Showered me with compliments and made me feel desirable and beautiful. Was patient and conciliatory especially when I wasn't being particularly lovable. Was always the gentleman, even after I broke up with him seemingly over nothing at all.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Been divorced 2 years but still feel so guilty about dating..Why? Posted: 11/11/2007 1:53:34 AM
Divorce is among life's most unsettling changes. It is not uncommon to experience a gamut of negative emotions, some of which seemingly irrational, while going through the process of divorce and even long afterwards... your guilt is a good illustration of my point. I initiated a divorce in 2005 in response to my husband's betrayal and the peaks and valleys during the last two years have comprised the mopiest period of my life. It was a time when nothing made sense in my inner world; my thoughts were often jumbled and cloudy; I was at times uncharacteristically insecure and a little nuts, feeling guilty when I shouldn't have, subjugating my anger when I ought not to... oh, how I wish I could have gained clarity a little sooner! I hope that when I reach the end of the tunnel, I won't be plagued by the feelings you're currently coping with. Infidelity is something incredibly difficult to reconcile... to me, it leaves a kink in the relationship that can never be ironed out. I've been in your place and am struggling with the same issues about misplaced trust and how my disillusionment could hurt my chances for a healthy relationship in the future. Just want you to know you're not alone.

petitegamine

Joined: 9/26/2007

Msg: 196 (view)

Forum addicts and non-posters.. Posted: 11/10/2007 5:34:32 PM
I generally cannot form a definitive impression about someone's profile to the degree that I would want to initiate correspondence. What I normally do is respond to those with interesting profiles who write me. A person's forum posts are much more revealing than his/her profile, because they allow you to see how he/she interacts with others online. I believe that "online chemistry" does not necessarily translate into real-life sparks, but if I can't get along with someone online (or if that someone clashes with almost everyone else on the forum), it's a very safe bet that I won't enjoy that person's RL company. So I use the forum as a personality filter of sorts. Another advantage of forum participation is the sharing of interests and details about yourself that you did not include in your profile. Likewise, you can fill out a prospective date's profile by reading their posts.

Show ALL Forums