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daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 89 (view)

What are your favourite sayings? Posted: 11/23/2009 8:06:06 AM
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-****."

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/23/2009 8:01:42 AM
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The guy carring two cups of coffee and a half dozen of doughnuts. Who's the most popular Girl? - - - - - - - - - - The one who can eat the last doughnut!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/23/2009 7:56:55 AM
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this' She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?' The blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 128 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/23/2009 7:49:37 AM
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their azz SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 124 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/20/2009 9:22:47 AM
A busty police-woman to the arrested man: "Everything you say will be held against you". The man: "Tits!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/20/2009 9:14:16 AM
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Two Doughnuts

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/20/2009 9:06:04 AM
A Native American man approaches 3 women on a reservation and asks them, "What are you"? 1st one replies 'I'm an Arapaho 2nd one replies "I'm a Navaho" The blonde responds, "I'm just a regular ho"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 120 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/19/2009 6:37:31 AM
This is true; really 1. Every blow job you give, adds one month to your life. 2. If you swallow, the protein is equal to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories. 3. A hand job a day keeps arthritis away. 4. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equal to ten minutes on the treadmill. 5. Doing it doggie style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles. 6. Intercourse prevents divorce. 7. Regular fcuking releases Vitamin E, which increases the number of brain cells. 8. Sex eliminates headaches. 9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chance of getting into heaven. 10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/19/2009 6:29:55 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get Started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to Her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. . 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/17/2009 8:54:29 AM
High School Government Class....true story....unfortunately. Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School . In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ... "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?" And someday she'll vote! She probably drives now, too.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/17/2009 8:43:21 AM
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It aint hard!!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 118 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/17/2009 8:38:58 AM
THE DAY THE REAL MEN SHOWED UP Yesterday, Emily and Junior were in a car accident. Both of them are just fine, I'm happy to report...not even a little sore. But "The Short Bus" (aka Emily's bright yellow SUV) took a wicked beating. Someone ran a stop sign, hit Emily's front driver's-side quarter panel and that was pretty much the end of the day for it. Time to call the tow truck. Now, that's not to say Emily wasn't more than a little shaken up by the whole thing. So much so that when I answered the phone back at the office, I was greeted by a male voice. "Hello, is this Mr. McKay?" "Yes, that's me. How may I help you?" "Well, the VERY FIRST thing I want to tell you is that your wife and son are JUST FINE. But there's been an accident, and they need you to come pick them up." Emily had been too emotional to dial the phone. Thankfully, the guy who had dialed the phone saw the whole thing transpire, rushed to make sure everyone was okay, and made it a point to help in any way he could. Which he most certainly did. By this time, as you might imagine, my priorities had experienced an immediate adjustment, and off I rushed to the scene. When I got there, I immediately found Emily and gave her a big hug, of course. Next, a grandfatherly gentleman of about 70 caught my attention. He was holding my son. "You must be Dad", he said with a smile. Handing my boy to me, he said, "There you go, champ...Your Daddy's here just like we told you." His wife looked on with utter adoration for her heroic husband. Just then, when the dust cleared from the realization of how thankful I am for not just the safety of but the very existence of those closest to me, another gentleman caught my attention. "You must be Mr. McKay. I just wanted you to know that I'm glad everyone was okay. I saw everything happen, and have given the police my story. Man, I really hate to see stuff like this happen. Can I help you move any of your gear from her truck to yours?" He had been at the wheel of another car nearby when the accident occurred, but stopped to lend a hand. I thanked him for his help, and took him up on his offer. Just then, the police Sergeant on the scene approached and thanked me for getting there so quickly. He was a stocky, stereotypically Texan guy. "Well, Mr. McKay, obviously any accident is a bit traumatic, so it's great to know Mrs. McKay and your son had someone like you to come fetch them up. Please know that we've all done what we could to keep them comfortable until you got here, and we're busy filling out the reports so you can be on your way as soon as possible." Shortly thereafter, the tow truck arrived. The first words out of his mouth were, "Man, is everyone okay?" Upon reassuring him of such, he responded with, "Well I'm glad to hear it. You've got enough on your plate...I'll take care of the truck for you so you can concentrate on your lady and your baby. All I need to know is where you want me to tow the vehicle, and you can consider it done." And it was. I gathered Emily and Jr. into my pickup truck, with one more kiss on the forehead for good measure, and took them home...driving with extra care for some odd reason. Once home, Junior quickly fell asleep for his overdue afternoon nap. Meanwhile, I mixed my beautiful wife a SERIOUS "adult beverage" and drew her a warm bath. Soon she was just as relaxed as the kid. "Thank you for being in my life", she said. "You were my knight in shining armor today. Then again, you always are. You're amazing. Thank you." Of course, that series of words is among the sweetest in the English language to any high quality man. And sure, yesterday was a particularly wild day. And yes, I did the right thing. But the reason I'm bothering to write you about the whole brouhaha is WAY, WAY more important. And that's this: Literally EVERY OTHER GUY involved with what happened yesterday afternoon DID THE RIGHT THING, also. And it rocked the house. Listen, there's a lot of press out there about how men are at BEST wimps who fail to stand up when called upon. At WORST, men are considered by a small but very vocal minority to be little more than "Neanderthals" who care only about themselves, consider a woman a disposable commodity, and generally make the world a more miserable place. But I tell you this: If you've read what I've shared with you today and are raising your hand saying, "Wait, man...I would have done the SAME THING were I there yesterday", I honestly believe you more accurately represent the NORM than the EXCEPTION. Most men want to do what's right. And to a man with his head screwed on straight, "what's right" means being a helping hand to ANYONE in need (man, woman OR child), finding solutions to problems, and generally getting the job done...whatever that job may be. In fact, I think if you were to ask any of the guys who touched yesterday's incident in some way, I think all of them would say they were flat-out GLAD to help. If you dug a little deeper, you may even get them to admit that it made them feel just a bit MORE like a MAN to be involved. Certainly Emily was appreciative. But even the glow on the countenance of the older man's wife as he handed my boy over to me safe and sound said it all. So how about it? Were all these guys "Mr. Nice Guy" yesterday? Absolutely not. They responded to an imminent challenge with compassion and purpose. And that has "real man" written all over it.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/13/2009 6:15:54 AM
What do you call a cow with seizures???? Beef Jerky...

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 112 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/13/2009 6:13:03 AM
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, so I am looking for a girl with big tits.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/12/2009 9:18:22 AM
Q: Why is sex with an optometrist so frustrating? A: 'cause he always says, "Is it better like this, or like this?"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/11/2009 6:19:10 AM
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs? Sparky!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 109 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/11/2009 6:15:39 AM
WANTED A tall well-built woman with good Reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classical music and tal- king without getting too serious But please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/11/2009 5:55:29 AM
My blond next door neighbor bought a toy poodle. It didn’t live very long though. It died when she tried to put the batteries in it.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/10/2009 8:08:52 AM
A Blonde came home one day from work and found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and put it up to her head threatening to commit suicide. The boyfriend in shock screams, "No honey don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde says, "Shut up! You're next!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Comedies and other Diversions Posted: 11/10/2009 8:03:32 AM
Two and a half men, How I met your mother, Cougar Town and Community

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 62 (view)

What are your favourite sayings? Posted: 11/4/2009 7:34:19 AM
When talking about how parents allow 12 year old girls to dress. “Oh! You mean those prostit tots”.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/4/2009 7:11:51 AM
Did you hear about the blonde engineer’s new project? She’s putting ejector seats in helicopters.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Posted: 10/28/2009 6:05:51 AM
Ok here it is again. Who is Schitt? The lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt,Ltd In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt. Against her parent's wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a Newcastle Uni dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. (No relation to Bernard Mathews) Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens daughters were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". You can correct them.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain Posted: 10/28/2009 5:53:55 AM
A fist full of testicles My Darling Clem its time. Shame One-Eyed Jacks The Good, the Bad and it's Ugly Little Big Man The Outlaw Josey Wails and Wails

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Of Mechanics and Mayhem Posted: 10/7/2009 10:54:08 AM
And parts guys can't find a 1/4 20x 1/2 grade 8 without a part number!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Torturing your siblings Posted: 10/5/2009 7:04:50 AM
When my older brother was about 20, he came home drunk and stumbled off to bed. While he was sleeping, my sister and I parked his car sideways in the drive way. Last Christmas the story came up. We were surprised and laughed hysterically. Turns out he never knew we did it and hasn’t drank since. The kicker he’s fifty two!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Alcohol warnings: Posted: 9/30/2009 7:08:32 AM
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause men turn into women. 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Alcohol warnings: Posted: 9/29/2009 8:17:03 AM
Alcohol and calculus don't mix..... Never drink & derive.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Why We Love Children Posted: 9/23/2009 5:42:53 AM
When I was remodeling my bathroom the two little boys next door came by. They were about 5 and 7. I gave them each a hammer and let them help break out the old drywall. One of them said “Boy this is fun; bet my mom would have a fit if we did this at home!” I was so temped to say “no she wouldn’t, here’s a hammer to take home with you”

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

funny country music songs Posted: 9/16/2009 6:12:50 AM
My Baby's My Baby's Mamma-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Cash For Clunkers Posted: 9/1/2009 7:23:20 AM
Mines about ready for it's fifty thousand mile tune up, but it's still got a lot of miles left in it!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

A little serious humorous rhyme for the Eagles/Vick Posted: 8/31/2009 6:53:46 AM
What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? - - - - - - “You gonna eat that?”

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh Posted: 8/31/2009 6:29:03 AM
How about thre famous Inspector............................Gogh Gogh Gadget

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

We all know those cute little computer symbols called Posted: 8/6/2009 7:20:28 AM
Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :) (o)(o) Perfect Breasts ( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts ()() High Nipple Breasts (@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts oo "A" Cups { O }{ O } "D" Cups (oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts ( ^ )( ^ ) Cold Breasts (o)(O) Lopsided Breasts (Q)(O) Pierced Breasts (p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts \o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts ( - )( - ) Flat Against The Shower Door Breasts oo Android Breasts ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's Breasts Maddonna's!!!!!!!!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

You know your old when? Posted: 8/4/2009 7:00:07 AM
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear "snap, crackle, pop" and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 8/4/2009 6:55:32 AM
--How does a blonde's brain cell die? Alone! --What do call a blond with two brain cells? Pregnant! ---What do you call a bunch of blonds standing in a line? An airline! ---OK to be fair ---What do brunettes miss about the best partys? The invitation!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 8/4/2009 6:46:08 AM
To prepare for his big date, a young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that’s how you guys load those things!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Okay Ladies this one's for you.. Posted: 8/3/2009 7:43:50 AM
B=Better E=Eat O=Out T=To C=Change H=Her

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Two Blondes Posted: 7/29/2009 7:22:05 AM
Blonde walks into the drycleaners and asks” is my blouse is ready?” The old man behind the counter is a little hard of hearing, so he holds his hand to his ear and says “come again?" “ No! The blonde replies, It was mayonnaise!”

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

That explains it! Posted: 7/29/2009 7:19:30 AM
First sperm says to the second sperm " are we almost to the egg yet?" Second one replies " I think so we just passed the tonsils".

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

the difference between men and women Posted: 7/29/2009 7:06:12 AM
Find out what men really mean when they say... "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK" Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmm... Posted: 7/22/2009 6:40:09 AM
If you try to fail and succeed, have you failed or succeeded?

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Words with two meanings sometimes more Posted: 7/22/2009 6:36:33 AM
Who is Schitt? The lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt,Ltd In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt. Against her parent's wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a Newcastle Uni dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. (No relation to Bernard Mathews) Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens daughters were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". You can correct them.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Words with two meanings sometimes more Posted: 7/22/2009 6:32:23 AM
We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. This was a good time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I read it once and will read it agen I learned much from this learned treatise. I was content to note the content of the message. The Blessed Virgin blessed her. Blessed her richly.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 54 (view)

You Know Its Over When... Posted: 7/21/2009 6:16:02 AM
The evil one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 52 (view)

You Know Its Over When... Posted: 7/21/2009 6:05:13 AM
When you would rather go to the healh club , the bar , the mall just about anywhere but home, because the evil one awaits there!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Words with two meanings sometimes more Posted: 7/20/2009 8:24:39 AM
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Horror Movie Safety Tips Posted: 7/20/2009 8:21:45 AM
Don't be a slut. Sluts always die! TURN on the light if you are going down to the basement! If the light does'nt work don't go down there!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

one for the ladies Posted: 7/16/2009 6:50:53 AM
My husband and I used to fight about that night out with the guys, but it's not like I was doing it every night. When you want your husband to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure, it's uncomfortable, but it makes you look just like his remote control. Men are like pay phones. Some of them take your money. Most of them don't work, and when you find one that does, someone else is on it. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? They already have a boyfriend... "Man says to God: God why did you make women so beautiful? " God says: So you would love her... ' But God why did you make her so dumb? " God replies... So she would love you...

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Sweet Semen Posted: 7/9/2009 12:26:38 PM
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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