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daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Any Good Bar Jokes? Posted: 3/24/2010 8:11:39 AM
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.> >the bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."> >The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.> >> >the bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."> >The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."> >The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"> >the bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.> >the bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belching, belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."> >The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."> >> >> >> >> >> > The bartender says, "You are now. That was a> > bar **** you ate.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Any Good Bar Jokes? Posted: 3/18/2010 5:57:52 AM
TEXAS Bar Sues Church In a small Texas town, ( Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.' In God We Trust Strange isn't it!! How would you like to be the Judge?

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

kudos to anyone who can name the movies from which these quotes came Posted: 2/9/2010 10:56:19 AM
I buy my underwear at Kmart-Rain man

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

kudos to anyone who can name the movies from which these quotes came Posted: 2/8/2010 8:02:22 AM
I want my 2 dollars!!" -Strange Brew "Nobody puts baby in a corner!" "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya...you killed my father. Prepare to die." Princes Bride "Well.....this one goes up to eleven!" "Well, I think of a man and then I take away all reason and accountability" "I'll have what she's having." "What we have here is a failure to communicate."-Animal House "Son...you got a panty on yer head." "ROCKIN' good news!" "Now, mind you don't hurt yerself, Mordecai..." "I mean as in we are SWINGERS...as in to SWING..." (Woody Allen after listening to Christopher Walken give an amazing speech about driving into on-coming traffic in Annie Hall): "Ok. Well. I have to go. I'm due back on planet earth." "I'll reserve judgment until I can mae a closer inspection..." "No one can eat 30 eggs." "Your mother smelled of elder berries and your father was a hamster." monty Python "Go away you English bed-wetting type or I shall taunt you a second time!" "I fart in your general direction!" "she turned me into a newt!" "How do you know hes a king? e hasn't got sh*t all over him."

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

My pets are driving me insane Posted: 2/8/2010 7:42:34 AM
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

This is Incredible Posted: 2/1/2010 6:07:04 AM
Now that is funny!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

No shit fucking amazing! Posted: 2/1/2010 5:53:33 AM
Thought Id try it and see if it was a one time glitch.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Ladys, please come home,...... Posted: 1/29/2010 5:36:02 AM
So you can cook, make dinner, vacuum,clean a house. I can do all of that to, heck I can even work a sewing machine. Your point? We all need a partner to complement us.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

You might be a bad catch...... Posted: 1/22/2010 6:27:50 AM
I have 2 cats. One is named stupid and the other b!tch cat.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

have you lived? Posted: 1/19/2010 7:00:31 AM
Ahh the smell of Mimeograph paper

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 153 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 1/18/2010 6:33:49 AM
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 84 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 1/15/2010 6:08:51 AM
"That stupid program insults my intelligence every night!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 82 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 1/13/2010 6:53:48 AM
What do a blonde and a computer have in common? You don't' appreciate either one till they go down on you!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 80 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 1/11/2010 6:46:10 AM
A blonde was suspicious because her boyfriend kept looking in the mirror. One day she decided to look into the glass. She fumed, 'so that's the ugly b!tch he's running' around with.'

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 150 (view)

The Fishing Trip Posted: 1/8/2010 5:46:43 AM
Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. (have said it) You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? (Have said it..BAD idea) You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. (always say it) Whoa, time out. Football is on. (Have said it...good luck enjoying the game after THIS!) Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b itch flakes this morning! (said it) Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? (Said it...she did it..HA!) Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded. (no f'in way I'm sayin THIS one)

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 149 (view)

The Fishing Trip Posted: 1/5/2010 5:59:37 AM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE Senior Citizens are not old and forgetful. They are CHRONOLOGICALLY GIFTED with INFORMATIONAL OVERLOAD.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 78 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 1/4/2010 9:36:28 AM
BLONDE IN THE 6th DEGREE FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife pi cked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' THIRD DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy , it's W.' FOURTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' FIFTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .' SIXTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman !'

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Ladys, please come home,...... Posted: 1/4/2010 9:14:14 AM
You forgot: Make love to you till you scream for mercy!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 145 (view)

The Fishing Trip Posted: 1/4/2010 8:18:30 AM
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 61 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 12/24/2009 7:49:46 AM
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!'' yelled the blonde. The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again . ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy. ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?'' The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Tiger Woods jokes Posted: 12/7/2009 7:33:17 AM
Ping has offered Tigers’ wife an endorsement. Apparently they are the only clubs that can beat him!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 12/1/2009 7:55:50 AM
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the c-ckpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, who belongs in economy class, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto ".

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 53 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/25/2009 7:50:06 AM
Why isn't there any brunette jokes? Because the blondes would have to think of them!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 91 (view)

What are your favourite sayings? Posted: 11/24/2009 6:26:17 AM
"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, beer in hand, body thoroughly used up and totally worn out, and screaming "Yeeee haaaa, what a ride!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 46 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/24/2009 6:24:54 AM
What's green and ice skates? Peggy's Phlegm

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/24/2009 6:21:06 AM
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. ' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest. ' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. ' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 131 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/24/2009 6:07:30 AM
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 89 (view)

What are your favourite sayings? Posted: 11/23/2009 8:06:06 AM
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-****."

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/23/2009 8:01:42 AM
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The guy carring two cups of coffee and a half dozen of doughnuts. Who's the most popular Girl? - - - - - - - - - - The one who can eat the last doughnut!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/23/2009 7:56:55 AM
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this' She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?' The blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 128 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/23/2009 7:49:37 AM
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their azz SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 124 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/20/2009 9:22:47 AM
A busty police-woman to the arrested man: "Everything you say will be held against you". The man: "Tits!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/20/2009 9:14:16 AM
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Two Doughnuts

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/20/2009 9:06:04 AM
A Native American man approaches 3 women on a reservation and asks them, "What are you"? 1st one replies 'I'm an Arapaho 2nd one replies "I'm a Navaho" The blonde responds, "I'm just a regular ho"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 120 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/19/2009 6:37:31 AM
This is true; really 1. Every blow job you give, adds one month to your life. 2. If you swallow, the protein is equal to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories. 3. A hand job a day keeps arthritis away. 4. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equal to ten minutes on the treadmill. 5. Doing it doggie style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles. 6. Intercourse prevents divorce. 7. Regular fcuking releases Vitamin E, which increases the number of brain cells. 8. Sex eliminates headaches. 9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chance of getting into heaven. 10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/19/2009 6:29:55 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get Started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to Her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. . 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/17/2009 8:54:29 AM
High School Government Class....true story....unfortunately. Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School . In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ... "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?" And someday she'll vote! She probably drives now, too.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/17/2009 8:43:21 AM
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It aint hard!!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 118 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/17/2009 8:38:58 AM
THE DAY THE REAL MEN SHOWED UP Yesterday, Emily and Junior were in a car accident. Both of them are just fine, I'm happy to report...not even a little sore. But "The Short Bus" (aka Emily's bright yellow SUV) took a wicked beating. Someone ran a stop sign, hit Emily's front driver's-side quarter panel and that was pretty much the end of the day for it. Time to call the tow truck. Now, that's not to say Emily wasn't more than a little shaken up by the whole thing. So much so that when I answered the phone back at the office, I was greeted by a male voice. "Hello, is this Mr. McKay?" "Yes, that's me. How may I help you?" "Well, the VERY FIRST thing I want to tell you is that your wife and son are JUST FINE. But there's been an accident, and they need you to come pick them up." Emily had been too emotional to dial the phone. Thankfully, the guy who had dialed the phone saw the whole thing transpire, rushed to make sure everyone was okay, and made it a point to help in any way he could. Which he most certainly did. By this time, as you might imagine, my priorities had experienced an immediate adjustment, and off I rushed to the scene. When I got there, I immediately found Emily and gave her a big hug, of course. Next, a grandfatherly gentleman of about 70 caught my attention. He was holding my son. "You must be Dad", he said with a smile. Handing my boy to me, he said, "There you go, champ...Your Daddy's here just like we told you." His wife looked on with utter adoration for her heroic husband. Just then, when the dust cleared from the realization of how thankful I am for not just the safety of but the very existence of those closest to me, another gentleman caught my attention. "You must be Mr. McKay. I just wanted you to know that I'm glad everyone was okay. I saw everything happen, and have given the police my story. Man, I really hate to see stuff like this happen. Can I help you move any of your gear from her truck to yours?" He had been at the wheel of another car nearby when the accident occurred, but stopped to lend a hand. I thanked him for his help, and took him up on his offer. Just then, the police Sergeant on the scene approached and thanked me for getting there so quickly. He was a stocky, stereotypically Texan guy. "Well, Mr. McKay, obviously any accident is a bit traumatic, so it's great to know Mrs. McKay and your son had someone like you to come fetch them up. Please know that we've all done what we could to keep them comfortable until you got here, and we're busy filling out the reports so you can be on your way as soon as possible." Shortly thereafter, the tow truck arrived. The first words out of his mouth were, "Man, is everyone okay?" Upon reassuring him of such, he responded with, "Well I'm glad to hear it. You've got enough on your plate...I'll take care of the truck for you so you can concentrate on your lady and your baby. All I need to know is where you want me to tow the vehicle, and you can consider it done." And it was. I gathered Emily and Jr. into my pickup truck, with one more kiss on the forehead for good measure, and took them home...driving with extra care for some odd reason. Once home, Junior quickly fell asleep for his overdue afternoon nap. Meanwhile, I mixed my beautiful wife a SERIOUS "adult beverage" and drew her a warm bath. Soon she was just as relaxed as the kid. "Thank you for being in my life", she said. "You were my knight in shining armor today. Then again, you always are. You're amazing. Thank you." Of course, that series of words is among the sweetest in the English language to any high quality man. And sure, yesterday was a particularly wild day. And yes, I did the right thing. But the reason I'm bothering to write you about the whole brouhaha is WAY, WAY more important. And that's this: Literally EVERY OTHER GUY involved with what happened yesterday afternoon DID THE RIGHT THING, also. And it rocked the house. Listen, there's a lot of press out there about how men are at BEST wimps who fail to stand up when called upon. At WORST, men are considered by a small but very vocal minority to be little more than "Neanderthals" who care only about themselves, consider a woman a disposable commodity, and generally make the world a more miserable place. But I tell you this: If you've read what I've shared with you today and are raising your hand saying, "Wait, man...I would have done the SAME THING were I there yesterday", I honestly believe you more accurately represent the NORM than the EXCEPTION. Most men want to do what's right. And to a man with his head screwed on straight, "what's right" means being a helping hand to ANYONE in need (man, woman OR child), finding solutions to problems, and generally getting the job done...whatever that job may be. In fact, I think if you were to ask any of the guys who touched yesterday's incident in some way, I think all of them would say they were flat-out GLAD to help. If you dug a little deeper, you may even get them to admit that it made them feel just a bit MORE like a MAN to be involved. Certainly Emily was appreciative. But even the glow on the countenance of the older man's wife as he handed my boy over to me safe and sound said it all. So how about it? Were all these guys "Mr. Nice Guy" yesterday? Absolutely not. They responded to an imminent challenge with compassion and purpose. And that has "real man" written all over it.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/13/2009 6:15:54 AM
What do you call a cow with seizures???? Beef Jerky...

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 112 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/13/2009 6:13:03 AM
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, so I am looking for a girl with big tits.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/12/2009 9:18:22 AM
Q: Why is sex with an optometrist so frustrating? A: 'cause he always says, "Is it better like this, or like this?"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

funny one liners thread Posted: 11/11/2009 6:19:10 AM
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs? Sparky!

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 109 (view)

Women V/S Men Posted: 11/11/2009 6:15:39 AM
WANTED A tall well-built woman with good Reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classical music and tal- king without getting too serious But please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/11/2009 5:55:29 AM
My blond next door neighbor bought a toy poodle. It didn’t live very long though. It died when she tried to put the batteries in it.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/10/2009 8:08:52 AM
A Blonde came home one day from work and found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and put it up to her head threatening to commit suicide. The boyfriend in shock screams, "No honey don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde says, "Shut up! You're next!"

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Comedies and other Diversions Posted: 11/10/2009 8:03:32 AM
Two and a half men, How I met your mother, Cougar Town and Community

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 62 (view)

What are your favourite sayings? Posted: 11/4/2009 7:34:19 AM
When talking about how parents allow 12 year old girls to dress. “Oh! You mean those prostit tots”.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Dumb Blonde Jokes.. Posted: 11/4/2009 7:11:51 AM
Did you hear about the blonde engineer’s new project? She’s putting ejector seats in helicopters.

daveg61961

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Posted: 10/28/2009 6:05:51 AM
Ok here it is again. Who is Schitt? The lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt,Ltd In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt. Against her parent's wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a Newcastle Uni dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. (No relation to Bernard Mathews) Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens daughters were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". You can correct them.

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