He lied about his age...only by two years....should i be concerned? chat & forums.

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beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 78 (view)

He lied about his age...only by two years....should i be concerned? Posted: 11/8/2009 7:08:42 PM
And no worries I don't have marriage as a goal...i mean. at my age what would be the point unless it was to share medical insurance, lol... I think he looks nearly 60...

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

living with a partner with an ex addiction Posted: 11/8/2009 6:53:20 PM
Pauline...I have lived with (as in married to) an alcoholic who was actively drinking. He attempted to quit while we were together and was not successful for more than a month at a time. I was a raging codependent at the time. It's pretty hard for two sick people to recover together or support each other in recovery, as Mac pointed out. We contributed to each other's problem. Years later (it's been nearly 15 since we divorced), he and I are still good friends. He managed to drink himself nearly to death, and finally has been sober for over three years now. We discussed "remarriage" and spent some months together but our lives are on much different tracks now. Could we have been successful if we had been willing to alter those tracks and stay together? Yes, I believe so. But we are both in active recovery now. I've dated several men since then that are sober, recovering substance abusers, and although none of these have fall in love/live together relationships, they have all been good and in most cases we've remained friends. But can it work long term? Yes...I am close to a couple who have been married for over 20 years. He is a recovering alcoholic, she is a recovering co-dependent. They have a wonderful, mutually supportive relationship. They both are also always working on their sh!t. I believe that is the key.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

living with a partner with an ex addiction Posted: 11/8/2009 4:39:02 PM
the OT is about living with a partner in recovery...an "ex" addict (I'm with those who feel once an addict, etc) who is not using. Living with an active substance abuser is hell. And so is living with the active co-dependent who feels they need to manage everything for the addict (active or not). A recovering addict who is working on their "sh!t" is doing what all of us should be doing, and especially if we think we have nothing to learn about life. They are incredible, admirable people to be around...but it is a struggle for them and you have to be able to understand and allow them to manage themselves. OP, if you even think you will fret over whether or not he's going to be drinking, and that you need to pussyfoot around that possibility all the time, hide bottles, track him down, etc...it won't work. oh...in case you can't tell...I'm a recovering codependent...

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Parents Visting and Dating... Posted: 11/8/2009 10:44:24 AM
onlythis...again, I am dismayed that your life-exposure to women has left you so faithless... An adult helping a parent get situated or an adult temporarily seeking help from their parent to get situated themselves is entirely different than an adult sponging off a parent when they are capable of taking care of themselves.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 66 (view)

A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go? Posted: 11/8/2009 10:39:19 AM
Clearly NO child deserves to be exposed to either, but "emotional violence" can be every bit as damaging as physical violence. If it were MY child....I would find even a 5% chance that she might escalate to physical violence as an acceptable risk. hang the 5% possible physical violence. The current emotional abuse is plenty of reason to get both the children away from this person, and from whatever goes on between OP and this woman in this sick cycle.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Parents Visting and Dating... Posted: 11/8/2009 9:36:07 AM
OP, I have the opposite situation, where my adult daughter, who is mildly developmently disabled and working on learning life skills, lives with me for the time being. I still date. It takes some juggling at times, but that's okay. If someone I'm seeing doesn't understand and/or isn't okay with the situation, they are not someone who would be in my life for long anyway I think it should be the same where you are helping your parents out in their transition.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Are we all here for the same reasons ??? Posted: 11/8/2009 6:53:37 AM
igorfrankensteen...

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

living with a partner with an ex addiction Posted: 11/8/2009 6:48:52 AM
It's not an easy path. But yes, it's possible to have a successful long term relationship with someone in recovery. Lots of people do it. I think the answer to your question, however, is more in how you and he will deal with his addiction. some questions to start with: How does the addict manage sobriety? Does he take personal responsibilty to remain sober? Does he believe he needs to remain sober? If he does relapse, will he take reponsibilty for that or will he blame outside influences (including you)? How does he deal with stress? Are you going to be able to resist the temptation to manage his business and sobriety for him?

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Shoud i lower my standereds? Posted: 11/8/2009 6:02:25 AM
If lowering your standards means being uncomfortable in attempting to tolerate behavior you disagree with, what would be the point? Only you can determine this. For instance, if being with someone who has a glass of wine now and then results in you fretting about when they will get drunk and create all kinds of chaos in your life, and you react to that fretting by engaging in destructive behavior yourself such as trying to control the situation or getting angry or whatever...I'd say there is nothing good for you in lowering your standards. But you may not know until you try... Hmmm...I knew a man one time who, like me, did not want to be involved with a problem drinker. Since many people who are problem drinkers either don't admit it or don't even really realize they are, his tactic would be to have an early date in a place where drinking part of the scene...like a bar...and then observe.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

He lied about his age...only by two years....should i be concerned? Posted: 11/8/2009 5:52:33 AM
I've noticed that when people are casual about fudging the little things, they will also tend to be casual about fudging the big things. But if there is a good reason...well, it's a situational thing. But I'm not comfortable when someone does it.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Are we all here for the same reasons ??? Posted: 11/8/2009 5:37:34 AM
We all have our own reasons for being here. And we all take chances when contacting other people online. The nature of the beast. Three years is nothing for a picture...I've seen some profiles on here and other sites that have had the same pictures for 5 or more years...and those pictures were outdated when they were originally posted. I don't know how many people are delusional about how they look and how many are dishonest. I have friends who tell me I haven't changed in 30 years. Well, I know that's not true. I may wear the same size clothes and my hair may be the same, but I have lots more wrinkles than I did in my 20's...I bet lots of people are told the same thing by their friends.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go? Posted: 11/8/2009 5:24:24 AM
Of course you miss her. All that drama creates adrenalin, which is extremely addictive. The good news is, unlike some other additions, once you concur this one you will find it easy to stay away from adrenalin and will instead seek people who don't think it necessary to contantly stir the pot. You and your children are lucky she is gone. Beyond her adversion to your three year old son's toileting needs, believe me, you don't want your daughter thinking this is the way women should behave in relationships. Change the locks.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 100 (view)

A friend's cheating husband Posted: 11/8/2009 5:10:45 AM
op and dayna...it's high school and it's drama and I agree with dayna...op is as much a participant in keeping it going as is anyone else. just walk away

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

How far before you cross the line? Posted: 11/1/2009 8:35:16 AM
I agree with the other posters who say if it is something you don't want to tell your SO about or it is something you wouldn't want them to know about, it is cheating.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

Odd man friend behavior Posted: 11/1/2009 6:46:36 AM
- he sounds like he has mental issues. Manic, bi-polar, BPD... or possibly he's using drugs or all of the above. Or none of the above. OP, you've asked him...which means you've opened the door...and he shut it again. If he's really interested, he will open it back up. But he has reasons he shut that door and you need to respect those reasons even if you don't know what they are.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

A friend's cheating husband Posted: 11/1/2009 6:25:39 AM
okay...here is what I have done in similar circumstances: The married man hits on me. I tell him I'm not interested in married men and to not approach me again. If I know his wife, I will add that if he does approach me again, I will let her know that he hit on me. And if he does (a repeat occurrence only happened once) I tell her that he hit on me. I do not carry tales about other incidents I know about.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

help Posted: 11/1/2009 6:13:13 AM
op, I'm sorry that I just don't understand what your so called relationship is doing for you other than causing much grief. to help you get past your grief I would suggest you force yourself to not contact her and not respond to any contacts she makes with you. Don't set a time constraint (i.e. in 3 or 4 days, or weeks, or months). Rather, apply this self-disipline every time the urge comes up. oh, and next time stay away from the women who are currently living with their husbands.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 69 (view)

Men, tell me whats the attraction Posted: 11/1/2009 5:56:25 AM
serenity sam: A self sufficent women is not as attractive because she can take care of herself, they appear not to need men. As a women stated previously and it is true, men are protectors, have a need to help, "story books teach it all the time, Rapunzel stuck in the tower, her rescuer. Even Screk, saves the girl. Men are hard wired to be savers, recuers. In the hope of living happily ever after, its the storybook tale but I belief has some basis in male fact. hmmmm...this reminds me of a man, a nice guy, I used to know. He had just been dumped by his non-wage earning wife of several years, an event he felt was due to the fact he had just completely cleaned out his stock account to give her money to take an expensive vacation by herself and now he had no more money to give her (disclaimer: I'm not bashing his ex...I do not know her side of it at all). He would say to me "I've always been with women who needed me to take care of them", and since his self-value was about money he was speaking of financial care. I would say to him "but even though some of us can take care of ourselves financially, we still need other things from you, like emotional support and companionship. And in the end, those things are more important than money." He was not equiped to provide emotional support. back to the OT...all of us want to be needed. Someone who comes along who needing what we can provide is attractive, because until we are drained it makes us feel good to be needed.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 112 (view)

How to build chemistry with the nice guy after always going for the bad boy? Posted: 11/1/2009 5:14:01 AM
OP - good for you for not settling and for being honest with this guy. I am sorry you had to face the negative side of "nice guy" - always so unexpected. edit to add: <div class='quote'>I am just going to put this one out there as I see it...She is a superficial idiot that deserves everything that a bad boy brings here way. When she's ready to settle with a nice guy that will truly love her she will have more baggage than the Titanic. or maybe not so unexpected.... my vote: go for the regular guy who rocks your world and forget about "badboy" and "nice guy" archtypes. Regular guys are both to some degree or other.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 72 (view)

How to build chemistry with the nice guy after always going for the bad boy? Posted: 10/26/2009 4:57:11 PM
The difference in bad/nice man is that with the bad boy what you see is what you get, the nice guy tends be passive aggressive when he doesn’t get his way Oh angel, so true...I've dated a few of those men...enough said on that subject! OP, if you don't find him attractive but try to stick it out only because you are attempting to change your dating paradigm you may find your self becoming increasingly annoyed at him. There are decent men out there that you will be attracted to in deeper ways and then you will find the paradigm not so hard to shift. Just remember to look him very closely when you start getting those butterflies to be sure you aren't repeating a hurtful pattern.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 60 (view)

How to build chemistry with the nice guy after always going for the bad boy? Posted: 10/26/2009 12:41:13 PM
nice guy/bad boy heads/tails love/hate black/white I've not noticed much difference between the two, other than that the badboy is more obvious about his motivation. Go for the guy that interests you and is interested in you without worrying about his category. Don't torture both yourself and someone else by sticking around where there is no possiblity, unless developing a friendship is viable. I have a friend who's been married to a "badboy" for over 25 years. They have 7 children (two from her previous marriage) and always work toward a common goal. They enjoy each other, are respectful of each other, and have the kind of relationship many of us yearn for. Their kids are well adjusted, and they have a beautiful extended family of their own making. So much for stereotypes.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

more sex Posted: 10/26/2009 12:07:10 PM
Living with crazy is not worth the trade of of great/frequent sex.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 186 (view)

I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? Posted: 10/26/2009 8:06:58 AM
There's probably something you need a man for, or are at least looking for or you wouldn't be looking. Empathsizing the positive generally creates more positive results. "I don't need a man", no matter how it is voiced, is negative. "I can rake the yard by myself, but it is much more fun to have someone else involved" oh, and capitano, I agree (it's kind of scary how often I agree with you)- a woman living off child support and public assistance is not independent. edit to add: I disagree. "I'm not into drugs"; "I don't need to drink booze"; "I don't need your money to make my way"; "I don't need your company 24/7" - are these also 'negative statements' yes. At least the last two are. In the first two, "I" is the primary subject (Division's self affirming distinction). In the last two "your" is the primary subject...

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 172 (view)

I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? Posted: 10/25/2009 12:14:34 PM
Bimbly...I agree with you. And however innocently one may defend the use of a term that someone else considers offensive, one should stop using it unless they want to continue offending. The controversy of a few years ago surrounding the word "squaw" comes to mind as another great example.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship? Posted: 10/25/2009 11:29:20 AM
It's just one more thing to talk about before boinking your friend to make sure there are no misunderstandings. There is no implied anything in a casual set up.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Scaring him off? Posted: 10/25/2009 11:05:06 AM
Any suggestions? Go to counseling. Find a support group.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 170 (view)

I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags? Posted: 10/25/2009 10:45:01 AM
"oooohhh ooohhhh Hard is the fortune of all womankind...she's always controlled, she's always confined...controlled by her parents until she's a wife...a slave to her husband the rest of her life" this is a small piece of a traditional folk song, Waggoner's Lad, that comes to mind as I skip through the postings on this great thread. I don't have "independent" on my profile per say. However, the above song describes the type of man/woman relationship I think is inappropriate in this day and age, and what I think at least some women might mean when they say they are independent.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

Let me try it again -- Posted: 10/24/2009 6:18:32 AM
op...Did you ever ask her about it? I think that's the only way you will find out why her undies were in your bag. So many possible reasons...from she wants you to want her, to f@ck off, to "I wondered what happened to those"...and more

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

curious to hear how you see things, looking for insight... Posted: 10/24/2009 6:04:24 AM
OP - here's how I see things...you are in an FWB because both of you were hurting from previous relationships and found you could practice healing your hearts together. If you are ready for "more" and he isn't, you may need to move on, obviously. This won't be easy if you want more with him and continue to see him. If you are really into him, want to wait it out a bit, and are prepared for him to fall totally in love with someone else when he's over his hurt from the previous relationship, wait it out. Just remember that FWB's tend to be bridge relationships for people who don't want "more" at the time, although apparently (per various FWB forums) they do occasionally turn into "more" or at least satisfying, exclusive LTR FWBs. My recommendation: Define what "more" is to you and talk it over with him if you are comfortable enough to do so. If you aren't comfortable having this discussion with him, I think you have your answer on how likely "more" is going to happen with this friend of yours.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 137 (view)

And what was your part in it? Posted: 10/21/2009 7:29:13 PM
My part? that's easy...well, maybe not so easy, but after years of reflecting upon my life lessons, my part: co-dependent's aren't easy to live with, and I spent too many years as a good co-dependent: managing, controlling, enabling, rescuing. And eventually crashing and walking away.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

Mouth Shut or Tattle? Posted: 10/21/2009 4:27:04 AM
hmmm OP: I agree with the majority of the posters that you should not go to April with tales. Personally, I'd tell the business associate/friend he's being an a$$ and would limit association with him. He's exhibiting the behavior that fuels the "men are jerks" stereotype. 68% - sheesh! I'm 100% certain where I'd tell him to put that gem! If April is comfortable with you, and she has doubts about her "boyfriend", you will get an opportunity to warn her about this guy, but she probably won't give any hero awards for enlightening her.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 67 (view)

Forum personality impact on dating life Posted: 10/19/2009 6:25:11 PM
I doubt it makes much difference. I'd be as likely to say it face to face as I am here.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

You specifically DO NOT meet their requirements but they insist they want to date you anyway? Do it? Posted: 10/18/2009 11:49:13 AM
From your posting history, it seems to me that you attract drama. well said

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

You specifically DO NOT meet their requirements but they insist they want to date you anyway? Do it? Posted: 10/18/2009 9:41:47 AM
Sometimes you really don't know if you are going to mesh with a person unless you spend a bit of time beyond reading a profile or a brief conversation with them. An open minded person may want to work around advance requirements to find out if they are willing to compromise for someone that otherwise rocks their world. There is no way to find this out without some energy invested. That often means a date or two at the very least.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 89 (view)

Did you settle? Posted: 10/18/2009 9:34:33 AM
mizbex, dee...i've experienced this also and it is frustrating. It's frustrating to them also, because they have a picture of the ideal and want someone to fit into the assigned slot and don't understand why someone they are attracted to doesn't want what they have to offer. Haven't we all been there to some extent or another at some point in our journeys? But there are lots of people who want life-sharing to go both ways, when they have basic interests in common, open minds, willingness to compromise, and are adaptable to change and new experiences. That's growth. Settling is "putting up" with a situation you really can't tolerate.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 84 (view)

Did you settle? Posted: 10/18/2009 6:19:24 AM
sigh...Capitano, where are you?

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Phone etiquette Posted: 10/17/2009 9:41:49 PM
background music....nice touch :-)

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

just need a lil advice... Posted: 10/17/2009 8:49:20 PM
relax. Back off. Give him a chance to reply. He may have gone dirt-biking or fishing or some other saturday thing.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Phone etiquette Posted: 10/17/2009 8:14:43 PM
When you "finish" does your phone expect you to cuddle? it is my understanding that some phones want a cigarette...

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 76 (view)

Do FWB relationships ever lead to something deeper? Posted: 10/17/2009 7:59:44 PM
off topic <div class="quote">Sex is designed to allow a husband and wife to bond in deeper ways sex is designed as a mechanism for continuation of the species. built into that design is pleasure and bonding and stress relief and all other kinds of nice things like that to make us want to actually have sex. The husband/wife scenario is an aftermarket product, not a part of the initial design process.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 75 (view)

Do FWB relationships ever lead to something deeper? Posted: 10/17/2009 7:47:18 PM
you should never plan on an FWB leading to something deeper. If that's what you expect/want/need to happen, don't go there unless you are prepared to be hurt. Or if you want to risk loosing the friendship if one of you gets hurt or if, by chance, something deeper does develop and then falls apart. I wouldn't want to risk a good friendship. And I know I'd probably get too attached and want more. For me, FWB wouldn't be such a great idea. but a mutually agreed upon FWB setup can work for some people. For some people it is preferable to available alternatives. There is no point in judging or condemning those people.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Better off being single Posted: 10/17/2009 8:04:28 AM
well...a man asked me what I was looking for in a man and I said "someone who wants a partner rather than a subordinate" his response "oh, I'm looking for a submissive woman" that was that. I prefer being in a relationship to being single, but I'm better off being single than being subjugated. i think it's a cultural thing.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

The Stand-By Posted: 10/17/2009 7:54:16 AM
he was honest...that's cool. You weren't left hanging, wondering why he didn't respond. that's cool too. he was polite about it. more cool. you are only second choice if you consider yourself to be second choice. It's an attitude. If he finds that this other woman and he clash, and he then starts a conversation with you and you are not otherwise occupied...then whether you are second choice or a new opportunity is all in how you look at it. At least you can be pretty sure of what he'd be telling other women who messaged him while the two of you are exploring possibilities

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Are Relationships like poker?? Posted: 10/17/2009 7:38:17 AM
igor...you say it so well...

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Are Relationships like poker?? Posted: 10/17/2009 7:28:36 AM
maybe she's just messing with you maybe the beer is interfering with your listening skills maybe she found upon further exploration that she's not interested after all

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 66 (view)

Did you settle? Posted: 10/17/2009 7:21:56 AM
settling means settling for someone you don't love with all your heart and soul, someone who is safe. I'd rather compromise.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 46 (view)

is he a womanizer? Posted: 10/17/2009 6:25:43 AM
if you haven't told him how this makes you feel, you should do so. He could be insecure and clueless, which makes him appear to be a jerk. or he could just be as much of a jerk as your description of him implies.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 59 (view)

Did you settle? Posted: 10/17/2009 6:14:18 AM
fruitflies are annoying. Annoying becomes the pea under the princess' mattress. Don't settle for annoying.

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

What do you think of this? Posted: 10/17/2009 6:03:07 AM
Hanging up on someone in the middle of a conversation is pretty much a classic control/emotional abuse technique. And then to explain it away later by saying another woman happened by... he's rude and dismissive? he yells at you? hmmmm...OP, i'd sideline this guy. It sounds as though you are more of an option than a priority. This situation most likely will not improve. but you know this, don't you?

beehearnow

Joined: 9/28/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Did you settle? Posted: 10/15/2009 7:14:48 PM
I've never settled...although I have given things a chance to see if my perceptions were correct or if I was possibly being unreasonable in my expectations. I found even though compromise and acceptance is easy for many things, there are simply some things I cannot have as a part of my everyday life and maintain any semblence of serenity.

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