POF does work... if you are yourself.. chat & forums.

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red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

POF does work... if you are yourself.. Posted: 12/17/2008 5:10:47 PM
To add... Would be working much better even if people clearly knew AND stated their intended purpose for dating or "dating". As I found out some are looking just for pen-pals (so why put down "LTR" or "dating" for instance? they never intend to actually meet anyone in person...) Some are looking for casual encounters but profess to be looking for something serious instead. Nothing wrong with looking for whatever it is you are looking for, as long as you are clear and unafraid to state what is it your goal. Saves everyone a lot of time. Happy

red_N_Blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

POF does work... if you are yourself.. Posted: 11/9/2008 3:42:14 PM
http://travel.webshots.com/photo/2028961440057846170zJmuIw

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Should you state in your profile that you’re looking for marriage? Posted: 8/15/2008 5:27:46 PM
So it's something you will be looking forward to, not expecting to show up for the first coffee meeting in a wedding dress or anything. Exactly.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Should you state in your profile that you’re looking for marriage? Posted: 8/12/2008 6:44:15 PM
I think guys have a knee-jerk reaction to the M word, but that likely comes from the wrong assumption. They ASSUME that if a woman states that she wants M, she wants it with any guy that comes her way (or the guy reading her profile at the moment), and she wants it now and at any cost, without any delay and consideration. (sure there are a few like that, as there are guys BTW, but that's insane minority.) This is a ridiculous assumption. It would be the same for people to assume that if a person said ' I want to buy a house', it will be the 1st house they see in the real estate ad, and that they will pay whatever price to have it, immediately, regardless of location and condition, and 40% annual interest rate on top of that. No, hardly anyone will ASSUME that. So why is that when it comes to M word, guys so often ASSUME that a woman would jump into it with THIS particular guy, without any delay or consideration? Will she? Really? Is such assuming guy deeming himself to be so irresistibly desirable to every woman alive that he can think that? The M may be something she wants to do in the long run and keep her focus on. You never get anywhere (or will float through life aimlessly) if you don't know where you want to go - that applies to all things we want to do or have. What makes this one different? I'd imagine that if a sane woman puts M in her profile, she means that this is what she'd ultimately like to arrive to, provided that she eventually meets a good match who is on the same page and wants the same . Unfortunately beating around the bush about one's true intentions seems to be an unwritten rule, a taboo that can be only broken at one's own risk. So people do the substitutions - put dating when they really want LTR/M, or hang out when they really want FWB etc etc out of fear to scare off potential matches. As the result, we all waste so much time and energies, and subject ourselves to disappointments because everyone has to figure out what the other party ~really~ wants behind all these euphemisms.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

girls who only date guys with a bach degree and nothing less-discussion with ex and his friends Posted: 8/4/2008 3:38:51 AM
Sure blue collar boys can make good money too - but I have yet to meet one who isnt "rough around the edges" and more into beer and sports than he is into the things that interest me. That's it, right there in a nutshell. Sure I have "given a chance" to more than one guy and went on a date with someone who's education etc was not similar to my own, hoping that "as long as they are a good person..." Only to find out the above. Sure they are good people, but... As they say.. if you keep doing what you kept doing, you will keep getting what you kept getting...Lesson learned. Just being practical about it.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

56,300 U.S. citizens were infected with HIV in 2006 Posted: 8/3/2008 9:59:06 AM
Now I see many posters imply that government (US in particular) is not doing(spending) enough to prevent HIV/AIDS. While it may be true in developing countries, what more do people want gov-t to do about it in developed countries? All I can think of is handing out free condoms. But then again, they are not that expensive, all the information about the disease, its dangers and HOW it spreads and how to avoid it is available, widely publicized, and repeated innumerable times in every way possible, practically hammered into people's heads. If people know that and STILL engage in unsafe behavior, what can government do? Hold the candle? Forcefully isolate the infected? But then someone will scream human rights. If it was some airborne germ that struck at random, I could agree - gov-t should do more. This, however, is the case (in this country at least) that IMO the responsibility for being safe lies on each individual.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

such a thing as a 'soul mate' or no? Posted: 7/12/2008 8:54:09 AM
IMO - NO. There is more than one potential good match for everyone. They may be spread out in time and location.. But they are out there. You will see them if you stop looking for that 'perfect' ~soulmate~ I think this whole soulmate theory is an escape for some people to prevent themselves from a ~real~ relationship, with a ~real~ person with their good and bad sides. And replace it with a neverending noble quest for something elusive. Like trying to approach the line of horizon. Never can. My take? I personally do not believe in the 'soul mate' theory. I believe we have to look for someone who is compatible with us, who we share common interests with and who we are physically and sexually attracted to. I would add - emotionally, mentally, spiritually.. But that makes for a long and therefore somewhat unrealistic list? In my view, one time or another in our lives we may meet a person and think that "this is it" - he/she is my soulmate.. Personally I think now that it's possibly a "lure", a set up for your big learning ~lesson~... If you believe in such things - I do. Once the smoke clears and you {hopefully} realize what it was...You realize that there's no such thing as a 'perfect' ~soulmate~. Just a mate that either works for you or does not.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

girls who only date guys with a bach degree and nothing less-discussion with ex and his friends Posted: 7/11/2008 12:37:11 PM
OP, we can argue that those women are being "materialistic". On another hand, it's no secret that asians (and asian girls were mentioned) are usually score very high on all educational measurements, they are raised to strive for good education and value it. Could it be that they just simply want someone who's equal in that area? If a lady was busting her backside studying, being an A+ student and getting a scholarship to a good school, while her {hypothetical} peers were playing games and just barely got through high school and never any further .. why shouldn't she look for a man who is (somewhat) equally driven? In all our political correctness, we can repeat like parrots that "{fill in the blank here} should not matter - you should look for the person inside". However in reality all those things (education, income, health, lifestyle, looks, aspirations - you name it) DO matter. Come on. Maybe some people have tried in the past to date someone because they were a good person but not similar at all in education/social/employment/aspirations areas. Lesson learned - more often than not, it does not work. So maybe these "requirements" are not set out of snobbishness or materialism. Maybe people simply (from experience) know what works for them and what does not. Anything wrong with that? I think it's commendable - no misleading anyone. Just my 2 cents...

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

So you met on the internet and you hit it off, what do you tell people about where you met? Posted: 5/29/2008 12:01:07 PM
The truth.......................

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Who should speak up first? Posted: 5/29/2008 10:46:18 AM
Show me you love me..... words are cheap! Love (to me) is not as much words that are being spoken (too many words are spoken in vain too often and have become devalued in our culture) but what you DO (attitude, actions and behavior), how you treat the person. Words are sweet to hear - only if the actions are there to fill those words with true meaning.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Are these people married? Posted: 5/26/2008 7:49:15 PM
In a word - UNAVAILABLE - due to legal (married) or emotional (already attached, fearful of real life interactions, unsure of what they really want/need etc etc) or physical (not what they portray themselves to be) reasons. That's why IMO it's better not to spend ~weeks~ or ~months~ emailing/chatting. And not consider whatever email/chat/phone contact was made to be "chemistry" or "connection" - because it's not real until it's a meeting IRL. Up to that point it's just exercise of writing abilities, free entertainment and ego stroking (at least for one side). Happy

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

Why Men expect other women to do their Worshipped ladie's bedroom Job??? Posted: 5/26/2008 9:18:57 AM
My observation is that some people do not cheat no matter how bad they have it in their current relationship (they have made a choice and live with it!!), or end it. While others do, no matter even how good they have it. Such "poor sufferer" will be quite happy an content at home, but will cheat (and come up with "great" justifications why ~their~ case is special and it's OK for them to do it) and tell all these stories how bad they have it to their extramarital "date" . The only thing I know is we cannot change other people or their behaviors. We can only make our own choices. OP can quickly say "thanks but no thanks" with zero hesitation the second she hears some of the "stories" form her potential dates. No anger, indignation or arguing necessary - just say NO.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

I found my fish! Posted: 5/18/2008 5:08:37 PM
OP -Well, good for you. Not to 'rain on your parade', but I'd give it a tad longer than a few weeks to see if you really met HIM and this is really IT. Maybe only after a few months I'd break out the champagne But all the best anyway!

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 316 (view)

Marriage, men are stupid for entering into this(proof) Posted: 4/29/2008 3:03:02 PM
Why is it always assumed that a woman gets "everything"? In my divorce, I got exactly 1/2 of proceeds of the house sale (that was bought by both of us together), 2 equal checks cut at closing. I was making more money, but initially I had to go through school while he worked. So overtime it all"evened out". I ended up with my debts (school loans, car payment etc), he - with his. As for the discussion above.. I think BOTH parties should think long and hard before one of them decides to give up career/income in favor of becoming a parent, and especially stay-at-home parent. Becoming a parent, in my view, should be for other motivations and not to "secure" one's financial future as it seems to happen sometimes.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Randomly contacting you again Posted: 4/29/2008 2:39:53 PM
Happens all the time, sometimes months or even years later. and I don't necessarily mean via the dating sites. Always puzzled me - if there was something that made either party (or both) to say "no" to it the 1st time around...why revisit? what changed? Makes me think people have some sort of a list that they use periodically when they have nothing better to do?...

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

What if you don't want a 'date'? Posted: 4/22/2008 5:19:02 PM
Depends on where you are shopping. I went to Wal Mart earlier today and picked up a few groceries, some cat food a post hole digger and a pack of white socks so yeah it’s possible OT: Walmart did not start out as a grocery store, they added that later. And not all of them even have it. Sure they sell a few t-shirts at a local Publix ocassionally, but I won't consider it clothes shopping. PoF states that they are social dating.. Any way, it's my personal opinion that people stating that they are looking for friends on such site are often using this as euphemism for something else, however benign (or not) it may be.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 90 (view)

Why do some guys do this? Posted: 4/22/2008 5:00:38 PM
Msg 22. If I hear LTR I immediately think OMG how can she even think that.....we just met 5 minutes ago!!! A woman filled with clingy desperation runs through my head as I try to find the safest exit strategy, and I pray to god sex has not happened yet so I can leave quickly. 1. How can anyone arrive at their goal (whatever their goal may be, in whatever area of life) without having the goal in mind in the 1st place??? It's cute to "go with the flow" when you are 20 maybe, try this, try that, see what works... In later years it's probably wise to have a pretty good idea of what works/doesn't work and what you want/do not want. 2. Just because a woman knows what she wants in the end and can actually express it - how does that make her clingy? I am sure not every woman means that she wants an LTR with you - she likely means that's what she wants in general. In my view it's a plus - she is not wasting hers and your time. That's where you take it or leave it. If you are on the same page - well, then if all other factors are in place, the possibility of further developments can be considered. If you are not on the same page, thank each other for a good conversation and part ways.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 85 (view)

Moving In/Living with someone Posted: 4/21/2008 6:38:55 PM
Msg 84 - something similar in my past experience. let him move in with me too soon (which was not wise). All kinds of undesirable things became apparent. To the point that I had to go and stay with friends for a day or two a few times - it was so intolerable. On another hand, if he didn't move in, the whole thing could have been dragged out longer, it would have taken me a long time to find out the reality of the situation, and more damage would have been done. So I look at it now as blessing in disguise. Bottom line - (I won't debate marriage vs just living together here) - all I am thinking you don't really how you two really "mesh" until you live day to day side by side with the person under one roof.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

What if you don't want a 'date'? Posted: 4/21/2008 4:32:04 PM
why look for friends on a DATING site? This totally baffles me.. You don't go to a grocery store to buy clothes, do you? There all kinds of clubs, meetup.com etc for people who just want friends. When people are on a dating site and put "friends" in their profile - I cannot help but think "yeah, with benefits " - if they can get it. Just my personal perception of course.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 1031 (view)

Why men don't date strong women... Posted: 4/20/2008 8:27:33 PM
Trust us guys, we DONT want to be that strong all the time.... but when you have a life to lead and a family to care for and maintain... what choice to we have if we don't have a strong man beside us to help? exactly!

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 100 (view)

I am So fed up with men these days Posted: 4/20/2008 8:17:13 PM
Instead of becoming his (or anyone's)doormat and a scratch post for his cats...Maybe develop your own life, interests and pastimes? Also.. you wrote you "crash" at his place while he works.. Don't you have to work too ( I mean something other than feeding cats and playing with them?). People treat you the way you allow/teach them to treat you. If you teach him that you have nothing better to do than become his house sitter and have no life of your own.... what do you expect?

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

ONE date and he won't stop calling....I've tried everything but the truth... Posted: 4/20/2008 8:07:44 PM
OP.. what's wrong with saying nicely something like " hey, we had a great time chatting/meeting you, but i just don't think this has any further potential" . Duh...Pure and simple. Why is that so difficult? Truth (not rudeness!!)is the best policy. Personally, I cannot stand when people (regardless of gender) try to "let down" someone easily (as they think) by not answering the calls or disappearing.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 289 (view)

Kids packed her bags!! Posted: 4/20/2008 5:31:52 PM
Another Jerry Springer show participant wannabe.. an influx of those lately in forum threads it seems. However "evil" OPs wife is.. what is he doing on the dating site - trying to solve his marital dilemmas? Duh....

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Guy Disappears after Putting Out? Posted: 4/20/2008 3:39:49 PM
Dating is just that - dating, and this is one of the inherent "risks" of it. Do it when you are comfortable with the idea. However, prepare to accept the possibility that the relationship may not progress after that - however, it is not the end of the universe and if it happens - it happens (him disappearing) . Just use precautions and don't think negatively in advance. Whatever the outcome will be - you will deal with that outcome then, but it may never happen. So why worry now? And even if he does disappear - it is for the better. It means that he was only after one thing only, do you really need a person like that? Good riddance then...

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all... how can i trust myself to love again? Posted: 4/14/2008 8:54:27 PM
It won't be the same as it was with that person you felt so strongly toward. It will be different. Once you accept that.. you can understand that different does not necessarily mean less valuable or less strong or any "worse". Just different. After all, you, coming out of those experiences, aren't the same as you used to be either...It is never the same, and perhaps it's a good thing

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

isn't the word love...over-used a little ? Posted: 4/14/2008 8:23:54 PM
No, you can never hear too many "I love you's", as far as I'm concerned. only if you MEAN (by your actions, behavior) it and it's not just lip service. LOVE is more about what you do, how you treat and honor the one you say you love, and not so much the words themselves.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

isn't the word love...over-used a little ? Posted: 4/14/2008 8:16:44 PM
YES. Maybe because what many people call love could be many nice (or sometimes not so nice) things, but not LOVE. People also put different meanings (or intensity of meanings) into the same words. Anything spoken in vain or too often looses its meaning overtime....JMO

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 703 (view)

He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya???? Posted: 4/14/2008 6:37:14 PM
How many times people say that what's insideshould matter, and I will be the first one to say - absolutely, it does matter and it should! But why should it be either-or? Preferably - some of both. But realistically.. so often people say they are looking for what's inside and don't care how anyone looks like, but they don't give a person with a heart of gold but with so-so appearance a chance even when they come across him/her. They just become friends at best. That's just a fact of life. Look around. I am sure everyone knows a great, kind, humorous and fun person in their life (either gender - friend, acquaintance, relative, coworker) who is always single - the opposite gender keeps ignoring them due their appearance not being attractive.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 110 (view)

How do you really feel seeing your EX get engaged? Posted: 4/14/2008 6:18:28 PM
I wish my ex-bf got engaged. Then maybe he'd have something better to do than leave endless voicemails on my office VM (months and months after I have last had any sort of contact with him!!!). But that is only he'd manage to dupe some naive gal to put up with his antics long enough to actually get engaged - before seeing the truth about his personality and the extent of his problems. I suppose I have to keep hitting "delete" button a while longer...

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Stalkables: they are everywhere!! Posted: 4/13/2008 7:36:56 PM
Cannot say statistically if there are more of stalkers of one or another gender - I simply don't know. Maybe there are more men after all, because until quite recent times it was more socially acceptable for a man to pursue..Some may push it too much. I guess also the definition of a "stalker" varies from person to person. If someone floods your Voicemail with incessant messages - is it stalking or rudeness/nuisance? I guess to me stalker is someone who shows up uninvited everywhere you go, follows you, shows up at your door, "accidentally" meets you at the places you frequent etc. I do not know if unwanted emails/text messages alone technically qualify as stalking..After all, we all get spam/telemarketing calls too On the subject - I do think that many women at one point of their life have dealt with a guy that just refused to take "no" for an answer. And the more you say "no" the more (illogically from a normal person's POV) persistent he may get. Also I agree with that a stalker behavior may come from a sense of superiority associated with certain disorders, it seems. Such person simply refuses to recognize the other person's choice and right to terminate the relationship. Just my observation.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 236 (view)

Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side Posted: 4/10/2008 8:16:51 PM
sounds from OPs description that he may have a disorder.. BPD.. look it up. That can explain a lot of inconsistencies and how he could "reconcile" them.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Dating multiple women (women please reply) Posted: 4/10/2008 7:22:26 PM
Alot of us are older and don't have 10 years to invest in finding that special one...I think one shouldn't rush or settle for, but I don't want a man that would drag his feet either. exactly!! Op - if you are upfront about your intentions.. no harm, it's actually very commendable. I am sure you will find people who are on the same page and see the things the same way.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

how do you stop seeing somebody who means a world to you? Posted: 4/10/2008 7:18:44 PM
If it didn't work before.. I doubt it ever will. So you are just prolonging the suffering and delaying inevitable. Yes you will survive. I know it is hard to believe now - but yes there's life after all this is over. Different life for sure, but by "loosing" this relationship and this love you just might find something invaluable - YOURSELF and love for yourself - one day.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 67 (view)

How do you really feel seeing your EX get engaged? Posted: 4/10/2008 4:40:02 PM
I wish my ex got engaged..really.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment! Posted: 4/10/2008 4:32:48 PM
How can one "fall" for someone you never met??????? I guess some people enjoy living imaginary lives and having "imaginary friends"..email is just email. even a phone call is just a phone call. For your own sanity don't put much stock into all of that. Some people are good writers.. some are good pretenders.. Some never venture into the real world out of their virtual one. Save yourself dome time and effort - don't email for "ages", unless your are looking for pen-pals. if thats going on - a person is either unavailable (in any way), or not what they describe or imagine themselves to be. If intense emailing goes on for more than a month without actual meeting - drop it. It's just someone's virtual thrills, games of imagination and entertainment. JMO

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

What's wrong with dinner? Posted: 4/10/2008 3:26:03 PM
1. To me 1st meeting is not a real date. It is an opportunity to meet one another and see if both parties are attracted, and interested in a real date later on. 2. keeping it more informal (like cup of coffee, people watching, walk and talk) kills several birds with one stone. First, of course, you can see if each party is as was presented, and if there's mutual interest. Second, less formality of a dinner - less pressure, both parties feel more at ease. You can make it as short or as long as want. Third, I hardly ever eat dinner at all (maintaining my girlish figure ), and the guy does not get to gripe about how women using him for freebies Fourth - anticipation of a next real date makes it more exciting. My best 1st meetings were gtting together for a cup of coffee (and even ending up not even having any at all!), and just talking for an hour or more, people watching and enjoying each other's company. Dinner (for those who are into late meals) is good for later real dates.. JMO.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

What's wrong with dinner? Posted: 4/9/2008 7:38:52 PM
People who grossly misrepresented themselves in their profiles.. people who cannot carry a conversation..people who have a totally different agenda from the get go.. You name it. Why drag it out? if there's a mutual connection, there's always a next time fore a real date

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 1011 (view)

Why men don't date strong women... Posted: 3/25/2008 4:51:48 PM
nadinesok I agree with may things you say. Strong woman is not the one who cannot/would not make her man's lunch. neither is making lunch and taking care of the man is prerogative of "weak" women although some may think that way.. Just for some reason many men seem uneasy with women who can do all that AND be successful in whatever they do, have her own interests, opinions, career, path in life, finances etc.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 72 (view)

obsession on going out Posted: 3/24/2008 5:05:13 AM
Guys who use the term gold diggers are just upset because women don't go out with them . Why??? Because they are cheap! When you are cheap, you are not just cheap with money, you also are cheap with your emotions and not a generous person in general. THE POINT PRECISELY! They are afraid to expend their emotions or efforts on someone or something that is not GUARANTEED to pay off. And if they do, oh boy they don't let it be forgotten for a second!!!

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 657 (view)

He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya???? Posted: 3/23/2008 4:51:47 PM
I bet she still wants to be validated in his eyes. Don't. oftentimes self improvement of any kind starts out like that, and then takes the life of its own, and the catalyst that started it all is soon of very little meaning or importance. Paradox but true. As for the guy, some people never settle. They continually look for elusive perfection, set forth the conditions, and when one condition is met, they make up another, on and on. conveniently forgetting that they are NOT perfect themselves, although maybe in not such obvious ways as appearance.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 56 (view)

obsession on going out Posted: 3/23/2008 4:46:53 PM
I suppose, as usual, people what to hear (read) only what they want to hear(read). I do remember that at least in 2 of my posts I mentioned activities outside of the house that cost little or no money at all. However OP chose to conveniently overlook those. It's not my (or anyone's) business what OP does with his money. Some people enjoy the mere fact of possessing the money, some people view money as means to an end - live of balance, enjoyment, experiences and growth. However, it's not anyone's job either to mold themselves to the OPs idea of how dating should be. Same as OP says that people have "obsession with going out", I can turn that around and say that he has "obsession with penny-pinching and saving". As long as he (and each of us, respectively) finds someone who is more or less on the same page with, it's all good. happy

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 654 (view)

He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya???? Posted: 3/23/2008 2:10:50 PM
That's what I thought should happen. She lost the weight for HER. As for the condition he set forth - I have heard that stuff before. "If only you do XYZ" stuff. The guy would never be happy, if it's not her weight, it would be something else, then something else, endless cycle. Not to say that she should not be in the best shape she can be. But there are some people that are never happy with anything, and therefore cannot accept others.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

obsession on going out Posted: 3/23/2008 1:59:14 PM
First, there are a ton of activities that cost little or no $$ and fun and healthful. Second, if OP is in dire straits money-wise, perhaps dating should not be his 1st priority at this point. While I agree that buying few $4 drinks are more expensive than a bottle that you can buy and drink at home.. By the same token - why bother with going to a play - you can watch one on DVD? Why bother going on vacation - you can watch it Travel Channel. Why live at all, if you know you will die in the end? To each his own. I hope OP can meet someone who thinks exactly like him on the subject. But I do suspect it will take more than usual amount of searching.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

Still living with the Ex? Posted: 3/23/2008 1:50:07 PM
OP - the answer is NO. If a person is really intent on forming a new serious relationship (not a fling), they will find a way to move out, maybe overtime. I suggest to hold off, or look elswher, unless you are a sucker for drama and like being misled and your head messed with.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

obsession on going out Posted: 3/23/2008 1:42:12 PM
You can seat on your butt motionless and read your newspaper or stare into a stupid TV box when you are 80 years old and your knees gave out and you cannot do much else, even if you wish you could. Going out is about enjoying variety of experiences while you physically can - dance, walk, people-watch, drive, bicycle, play sports, camp, go to the beach, fish, meet friends.. with your date or significant other. That way people can see each other in various situations and interact and learn about each other. That's why I personally think going out is fun and even essential during the beginning stages. Not to say that staying at home and watching a flick and enjoying a home cooked meal and warm embrace is great as well.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

obsession on going out Posted: 3/23/2008 1:40:30 PM
You can seat on your butt motionless and read your newspaper or stare into a stupid TV box when you are 80 years old and your knees gave out and you cannot do much else, even if you wish you could. Going out is about enjoying variety of experiences while you physically can - dance, walk, people-watch, drive, bicycle, play sports, camp, go to the beach, fish.. with your date or significant other. That way people can see each other in various situations and interact and learn about each other. That's why I personally think going out is fun. Not to say that staying at home and watching a flick and enjoying a home cooked meal and warm embrace is great as well.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 154 (view)

are some people not MEANT to be in relationships? Posted: 3/22/2008 9:08:42 PM
No, having a condition or illness does not automatically make a person unfit for a relationship. what does is refusal to see or admit they they have a problem in the 1st place, and that they need to control/address the problem. Instead, they say the relationship failed because their partner was this-and-that, and often "project" their own moodiness, instability, irritability, victimhood on their partner. They sometimes even accuse their partner of exactly the things they themselves are doing. They blame childhood or bad influence for their substance abuse or disorderly life. Until they recognize that they need to change something.. they will go from relationship to relationship, person to person, destroying every one of them, no matter who their partner is. If I meet a person and in a casual conversation I hear that all ex-s were evil, incessant " it's so-an-so's fault", "my boss is that", " my friend is this", "THEY did it to me", "it's just my bad luck", "it always happened to me" , everyone is against them and treats them badly -- that's a sign sign that they are not able to keep a relationship, blame others for everything, and, most importantly, refuse or unable to recognize, and do not want to change this.

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Did you have a mental picture of who you'd end up with... Posted: 3/22/2008 7:52:18 PM
Good books on the subject actually advise to toss your mental picture, because it is based on your perceptions of "how things ought to be" formed when you were very young. Life changes, so do you.. Life is real, and those "mental images of "The One"" are just a fruit of your conditioning and imagination, and they are very persistent and endure, even as life shows you time after time that reality is different. Our clinging to these ideals often makes us overlook a truly good potential partner who does not "fit" into that mental box we have created and insist on looking for. It can be as obvious as person's looks, or less obvious things as his / her occupation, family background, demeanor, age etc .

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 63 (view)

Moving In/Living with someone Posted: 3/22/2008 3:52:08 PM
I still feel you can certainly get to know someone very well without it, by spending lots of time together and sharing your daily life. Can you please clarify how can people "share daily life" without living together? make appointment to go grocery shopping together weekly? Go to a car wash? Bring laundry to each other's houses in turn and alternate who does the folding?

red_n_blue

Joined: 10/1/2007

Msg: 143 (view)

Marriage proposal rejected Posted: 3/22/2008 3:48:01 PM
akimmbo, no 'love' is a non-committal thing.. hehe...when one person can say "I love you" one day and not return your call the next..Something a a person can conveniently say to another at the right time to keep another hanging around for whenever they need him/her. is that what it is? Maybe 'love" means commitment to OP? How about that? If the marriage is important to the OP and is not to her BF, it does not mean that it is more important than "love". It is just as important. Love is supposed to be unconditional, relationships are not unconditional. We stay in the relationships as long as we fulfill each others needs. If needs are not being met, it eventually breeds resentment and frustration, no matter how much love is there. If they don't see how their relationship should be it the same way, thats fine, but would be better to be clear about this and if she feels that her need (be it commitment, marriage or whatever) is not being met.. Both will be better off with someone else. JMO.

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