online dating service
REGISTER | MAIL/PROFILE | HELP | NOW ONLINE | SEARCH | RATING | FORUMS | SUCCESS STORIES

 

     
Posted In Forum:
Home   login   MyForums  
Show ALL Forums  
 
 Author Thread: Why women want guys to come to THEM
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 1367 (view)
 
Why women want guys to come to THEM
Posted: 9/27/2009 7:03:34 AM
Moonbeam. A great post. I simply cannot believe that you wrote this - today, of all days.

I woke at around 6:30 a.m. and read the most recent installments on this thread in particular....and came to the exact same conclusion.

I was really for the first time - empty.

Empty and unwilling to rise to the bait...to put something out...to be misconstrued for 10 more pages...when it has been consistently clear throughout the 54 what some of us has been saying.

I see the younger crop lauding the vitriol and contemptuousness of so many men here...I know now it's like a cancer. This thread now merely emblematic of a truly callous disdain that I too can no longer fathom nor sadly wish to.

It has absolutely nothing to do with a current relationship, as it's early days there too...

It has everything to do with what you're speaking of: constantly and consistently bringing to the table notions and perspectives that even while embracing differing points of view; speaks to broadmindedness, tolerance; and for the most part a fair and balanced thought process - no matter what subject..only to face this unending pat derision.

To have this constantly chafe against those who suggest that my core...my intent is disingenuous...is disheartening. Legitimate disagreements in pov is one thing...parsing the inane is entirely another...it's now just sport for some...women have become disembodied and soulless bait.

I have a choice here as I believe that where I spend my energy shapes my reality and feed and shapes my perspective. Constantly mining the depths of character or lack thereof is no longer an investment of time that is worth it to me---despite some moments of utterly blinding insight...from those that are like twinkling gems of light in this rather sad pit of despair that has become these forums.

Chafing is usually something that needs addressing sooner or later...but if one chooses not to to address the source of the pain and remove what is rubbing up against the 'tender bits'...then eventually when you look and wonder why you're not feeling that pain anymore, it's simply because you're now numb where once you felt...

I too cry 'uncle' peeps. It's time to move on.

To find myself becoming something 'ugly' is not an outcome that I want for myself or anyone...and being calloused toward anyone and everyone is in my mind one of the ugliest things to be.

sweetest
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 1346 (view)
 
Why women want guys to come to THEM
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:45:25 PM


Because generally speaking people model an ingrained ritual of mating and part of that behavior/expectation is what we were taught.

Taught? Come on! Now are you just making up stuff.
I have never, never, ever heard a mother or a father say to their daughter, "Make sure you don't ask any guy out"! NEVER!

^^^I can assure you that I am not making anything up---33 years ago (yes, my friend well before you were born) things were pretty much the same as they are today, if not more so: boys asked girls out. And yes being 14 years old in 1976 and starting high school my parents did talk to me about sex, dating and expectations. At no time did my parents ever suggest that girls asked boys out. It was always the other way. And yeah..this is typically what most girls and boys my contemporaries at the time were taught/modeled about dating and relating. You can believe me when I say that there isn't any young person that wants to be doing something at that age that is different from any of their friends, or to stand out. I was no different.


However, to pull back and regroup on this in a a larger context...the answer is that most women don't have to go and make their interest known because in many if not most instances men are only too willing and even happy to do so. That's the answer. That's always been the answer and that my friend will continue to be the answer to infinity and beyond! ;)

The question is: Why women want guys to come to THEM?
Your answer answers this question: Why aren't women likely to initiate first contact with men?

^^^It's unfortunate that you didn't read earlier in the thread because this answer was written specifically to address one of verity's points. It's nice to know that I've made the point! His question, in case you missed it was the following:

Of course not, but my question was why is the effort lacking in making your interest known.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
When are you crossing the line into adultery?
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:28:04 PM

It is the responsibility of those of us who are not married to support and enable the marriages of those who are. Often this means simply staying away and/or observing boundaries.

^^^A good point Helen. Well stated.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 1343 (view)
 
Why women want guys to come to THEM
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:05:18 PM


I don't agree that indicating interest and 'cultivating a bond' are the same thing.

Of course not, but my question was why is the effort lacking in making your interest known.

^^^ You're suggesting that there is effort lacking?
Perhaps that's because no effort is generally required. Why?
Because most men of their own free will approach. Why?
Because that's the way it is. Why?
Because generally speaking people model an ingrained ritual of mating and part of that behavior/expectation is what we were taught.

Is this changing? Perhaps. But not quickly. Lots of much younger people still hold the same expectations of mating behavior.


Simply put, if there was a man you were interested in, and he wasn't approaching you, why would you not approach the man, find out if he would be interested in getting to know you, instead of relying on him?

It appears ArabianAngel became inspired by this thread and did just that, and seems to be quite pleased at the outcome, and feels quite empowered about the experience of being the one to shape her own destiny, instead of relying on men approaching her.

^^^Am I to answer using my own experience v? As you also seem to indicate this...

But we're not discussing what works for you,...

^^^I think if we can acknowledge AA's terrific find...then we should also acknowledge that the other side has also scored too. I also have been recently 'found' using the standard approach.

The truth is I've met men and gone up to them in real life...and had a date come from that by showing interest. I don't have to do that here, because I get lots of interest...as do other women. I've also contacted a man first on another dating site and met and dated him.

However, to pull back and regroup on this in a a larger context...the answer is that most women don't have to go and make their interest known because in many if not most instances men are only too willing and even happy to do so. That's the answer. That's always been the answer and that my friend will continue to be the answer to infinity and beyond! ;)


The hardest part of a relationship is never from my recollection of my own or listening to the woe is me tales of anyone else's, has never been around establishing interest or who 'blinked' first...it's around the nitty-gritty of it...much later on. jmo.

Really?
I guess you don't see the same threads about "WTF is going on here? Are they interested or not?" by BOTH genders.

^^^My answer stated that it was my recollection of tales of woe from my life and people that I know. I don't know about you...but my life (and those of my friends) have very little in common with the tales-from-the-crypt/wtf/head-scratching stuff that one often reads here...

The real issue in this thread is the same one that appears in many other dating topics, and that is the one for dating double standards which are constantly being dictated by women, that do little but make the dating climate a "boys against the girls" scenario.

^^^Men with these entitlement/conspiracy theories....Why is it that I seem to know no men whatsoever who shares this line of thought outside of the forums? It's not boys against the girls..it's boys are different from girls...btw different = good...have you heard? ;)

jmo.

edited
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 59 (view)
 
When you walk let your heart lead the way
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:55:09 PM

(PS I'm so loving having most of my fave posters here. It's like a virtual dinner party - maybe just after the main course - with everyone still not drunk enough to really let loose..lol..

^^^That's a nice sentiment!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
When are you crossing the line into adultry?
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:18:24 PM
^^^Thanks for sharing. I got the post the first time ty. She asked...

What do you guys think? Does his seperation give her a free pass for having a guilt-less affair? If his marriage was really over wouldn't he be getting divorced instead of seperating?

I told her what I think. And I stand behind it.

Some people are keen on advising that separated people that once legally separated that they aren't free to move on when they are. In this case, the man imo has not cheated simply for talking to another person. There is no context given around the 'talking'. Regardless, talking does not constitute cheating. So imo, there was no cheating on his part prior to separation between the woman and him.

a·dul·ter·y n. pl. a·dul·ter·ies
Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 1338 (view)
 
Why women want guys to come to THEM
Posted: 9/25/2009 11:04:29 AM
You're right V1! I read incorrectly.
In my case I expend the appropriate amount of effort required to get the task done...and that mo hasn't failed me yet. Should I experience problems in having men interested in me...or who wouldn't deign to contact me because they live enshrined in what I believe is some misguided notion that women should come to them (turning on it's ear everything most men know to be about how to approach women) then...I really should give these 54 pages the attention they so richly deserve.... ;)

Until then my most esteemed forumite...there simply is no need whatsoever to fix what ain't broke...imo.

Further, it's also true that many women believe that a relationship takes work when within it. I don't agree that indicating interest and 'cultivating a bond' are the same thing. One is about planting a seed (interest); the other about nurturing (cultivating a bond). The 'work' if any can be attributed...is always within the throes of the relationship...nurturing and maintaining it once established---not in the onset. The hardest part of a relationship is never from my recollection of my own or listening to the woe is me tales of anyone else's, has never been around establishing interest or who 'blinked' first...it's around the nitty-gritty of it...much later on. jmo.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
When are you crossing the line into adultry?
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:48:05 AM

I can remember the judge saying, "Okay, you two are seperated now, you be seperated for one year and then you can proceed with the divorice. (we had children, hence the one year). Being the was my first time in divorce I asked him "Seperated. What does that mean?" He looked at me and said [ i] "It means you can see anyone you want now.

^^^That's exactly my understanding of being legally separated.
He is now a free agent and can develop a new relationship with anyone in this status. This is not cheating.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 41 (view)
 
reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:35:22 AM
Of course it could happen as you've thought it out...and yes it's reasonable. I'm a bit hung up why you've projected this on a timeline...and thinking through it. What's the hurry?

Different people create differing synergies between them. You could have two relationships in your life and fondly look back on them as both being equally part of some of the best times of your life for exactly the the same reasons. Each though will have had origins and a timeline all their own.

With this new guy-to-be...why not let the 'process' be a mystery of sorts and something that unfolds organically and simply 'is'?
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 1335 (view)
 
Why women want guys to come to THEM
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:07:35 AM

What's truly ironic is how many women will constantly claim that in order for a relationship to be successful, it takes "work".
However, the willingness to "work", and put any effort into trying to cultivate a bond, seems to be conspicuously absent at the very onset...

Care to explain the discrepancy?

^^^ Yup. Gladly. It's not a relationship. We're at page 54...and still on about making contact in the initial stages. Big difference from being in a relationship.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 54 (view)
 
When you walk let your heart lead the way
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:09:10 AM

So, what are ways to stay emotionally open and trusting? I like feeling optimistic and I would love to let my heart lead the way, but ...but..there's always a but..

Friendly...the best way is lean on and trust something that I see as coming naturally to you >>> your optimism. Being optimistic is what allows someone to have all the heart break, disappointments and shattered dreams that everyone encounters, yet still have the courage to look at another day and another prospect without re-framing them through a lens made up of whatever went before and having that be the-one-track record that you're all about.

Being optimistic is about being resilient... it's about bending not breaking. Being negative charts a path to the rocks from the get-go; and whether that takes days, months or years...it's a one-way ticket. And once crashed upon them...it's marked upon them. Their recovery calcifies parts of their heart and changes it for the worse; that calcification that hardening leaving it no longer malleable; it simply cannot bend. Each time at bat...and with each strike out...more calcifications.

There is a risk inherent in not being resilient or if one has never learned how to bend...which is that one often breaks a little. That's a harsh bi-product of putting yourself out there...of trying and failing. So for some of these folks what happens is more then out of a reaction to persevere...it becomes instinctive to close themselves off...to hunker down... to reduce surface area... and in the process, often becoming these intolerant judging types that need all sorts of criteria checked before you can do anything with them--much less meet for a coffee.

Treating the weak and imperfect parts of ourselves with compassion, "re-patriating" the parts of ourselves and our feelings that are lost and disowned and denied - I think this is imperative in living life from the heart.

^^^ A simply brilliant statement and salve ohdriver. Just one of the true gems in your terrific post.

edited throughout
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Would you rather be 'right' or be 'happy'?
Posted: 9/23/2009 7:21:26 PM

I am very happy to be wrong from time to time. My ego and pride need the reminder.

In a relationship it doesn't matter to me who's right of wrong. As a whole, when one fails we both fail, when one achieves we both achieve. That connection as a whole makes me happy.

^^^A great answer Rock.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 1308 (view)
 
Why women want guys to come to THEM
Posted: 9/23/2009 5:19:06 PM

Ok...I have a confession to make

I recently got out of my comfort zone of not approaching guys, I saw my target, tall dark with a smile to die for...and I approached him...to my surprise he was fascinated and flattered that I would approach him...yes we are dating now...So to all the girls that say NEVER...you got to try it, it is one of the most empowering things.

^^^It had to happen....that's terrific AA!

Apparently, we did make a dent on at least one woman...

^^^Hmmm. I wonder...Does it count if it happened in real life and wasn't an email approach?
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Is taking a break from dating a good idea when you are frustrated/fatigued?
Posted: 9/23/2009 4:23:34 PM
It's not a bad idea at all. I took a break last year for about 3 months last fall. It did a lot of good. When I came back in January or so I felt much more motivated and keen about it all....and ready to face a whole new slew of people that also weren't right for me :) At least my attitude was better. Dating requires that you bring your best self out there. If you don't feel your best, the right thing to do is to take a break until you want to be out there again.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 57 (view)
 
certainty that he/she is 'the one'
Posted: 9/23/2009 3:41:22 PM

do you find certainty to be a pure gut feeling, the kind where all other members of the opposite sex become invisible? or if the attraction is less chemical but you see combatibility to the sky and a shedful of relationship tools to back it up, would you snag that person now? or hold out for the possibility of mr./ms. fireworks-with-tools?

^^^I agree and find that certainty is a gut feeling and others will pale and fall away. Like others, I also believe there might be several 'ones'. For me there would be no such thing as a 'less chemical' attraction....If I'm looking for a relationship, having compatibility but no real attraction spells a friendship. There is no 'waiting' to have that happen or develop...therefore I'd hold out. For me it's there at the start or it's not.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
At 55
Posted: 9/23/2009 3:06:57 PM
I think it's entirely possible; however you're not going to know that you're involved in something that long-term for quite some time. I think people who are passionate stay passionate through their life. There's really no reason imo, to assume otherwise.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 74 (view)
 
How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 10:53:52 AM
You're not over him. You say you are, but I think not. If you're over him this crushing anger would be gone...truly gone. It takes time to get there. And often if you don't you're shaped by that anger in the cruelest of ways.

For instance one of these days...when you're still hanging on to this anger, your kid may come over and say something completely complimentary about her...and completely normal for a child to do who has no issues at all with the new arrangement...with the new mom-like figure...and you'll likely just about pop inside. And you think that you can keep this stuff..'inside'...you can't for long...it seeps out..it's toxic.
To your children, you'll seem 'weird' for not understanding the 'x' is really nice...
Remember kids for a long time play and live by simple school yard rules...'be nice'...is one of them...that includes you mom.
If you keep this up...you'll start having moments where you'll secretly also resent your kids a bit for taking her side...for liking her baked ham..for loving how she does something unique with them.
If you don't allow this woman in...to make a life of her own with your kids...and really just try to see if from a mother perspective instead of a wife...it'll impact 'your relationship' with your kids.
If it goes on long enough...you'll find that your kids when they can make choices
about where to spend their tween/teenage years...'where to hang'...they will not choose
Moms' because Mom is cranky..who knows why they'll wonder...after awhile they'll stop caring why...and move with their feet.
Mom's unending crankiness will also be off-putting for finding dates...(baggage)
All the more reason to hate 'her' right??? No. All the more reason to deal with it - now.
It's an insidious path...and it will pull and suck at you until there is not much left and you'll end up in an emotional ditch and 10 years older.
Find whatever help you can to move past it. You've been angry for a long time.
You can get past it. Let the wife dream with him go. It's over.

You say she 'took' your life...
Your husband broke the contract with you...
Your husband chose another partner to 'share' his life...
It's not so much about the cheating as it is about a rejection of you. And yes, that will sting for a while. Deal with learning to handle that.
Build yourself up instead of focusing your energy on wondering why she is there.
She's there because he chose her; and yes, that sucks.
She physically takes a spot by his side because he made room for her there.
Your anger toward her...is likely somehow easier than placing it toward him...and inward toward you and dealing with whatever went wrong between you both. Even if he cheated.
There's a reason why he did and it has something to do with you and him and your marriage...don't kid yourself any longer and just continue to blame him...to blame her.
Take the cheating away and out of this. Would this feel any better really if he just decided one day on divorcing you and summarily marrying the next woman he met within months of the ink being dry? Not too darn likely. Your anger would have been there as well...to whatever woman. He broke the dream. We've all been there.
To deal with it...you have to be looking at the right issue and focusing on the right person.
That's what's going to get this over for you sooner rather than later.

Don't be concerned about being usurped from your role.
People who knew you as 'x'...will now know you differently.
The most important role in your life is the one that you don't get out of quite that easily...and one which your kids won't ever confuse....even if separated.
Any new partner for you or him doesn't change the position of where you each are and will always be in your child's life.
Choose carefully how you want your feelings about losing the role of wife to subjugate and possibly damage the greater and more lasting role of mother.
The kids can live through having more people in their lives that love them---they really can.
Be happy that the picture that they show to the world your ex and his wife ...is to you and all at least a familiar one...because if it weren't....that would truly be an awful nightmare to think of your children having to live a court-induced sentence for half of their lives.

Take care...you can get there from wherever you are right now.

jmo

edit
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 235 (view)
 
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/23/2009 8:11:49 AM
Your corner of the world is rather lovely.
What seems to belie this charming image..not so much.

Your description of the motivations of some of the residents therein....people willy-nilly moving through life...launching themselves into the lives of others...without restraint...cloaked under the umbrellas of 'being a brother's keeper'...and 'community noseyness' ..suggest a rationale with no consideration of consequences....or of responsibility about the impact of their actions on others.

I was raised to understand that it's wrong to deliberately hurt someone.
Everything that can be done that is wrong in thought, action or in deed springs from that.

Nothing else is actually as important in each of our lives than protecting ourselves from individual harm. Every aspect of it...especially modern life....designed to keep us safe.

But who would have thought that curtain twitchers run amok and their rather 'sticky' rationale for existence and righteousness could be harmful....??

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I could never choose to willingly go and deliberately hurt another soul. And that is the singular most important statement anyone need ever understand about me.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

AND ON EDIT


Blowing the whistle on this sounds like something you could easily regret in the future. How would you feel if someone in this love triangle killed or seriously injured another, or killed themselves as a result? My guess is not too good.

^^^Completely agree.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Guys *must* bother women who aren't interested?
Posted: 9/22/2009 1:13:25 PM

After all the needy,desparate and horny guys that had contacted me over the months,this guy found his way thru my wall of self protection, because I was ready for depth,commitment and empathy all of which he has.

^^^In my case I'd also add resonance...otherwise I completely agree.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 36 (view)
 
What is it that natural seducers have that guys like me don't?
Posted: 9/22/2009 12:54:21 PM
They know what they're about and don't try to be something that they're not.
They don't try to be 'everything to everyone'.
They're very good at gauging potential interest quickly because they're kind of wired to pick it up.
They are not the type who 'just don't understand' that someone 'may be attracted to them' often the type that post here....
This kind of intuitiveness bleeds over to other things...
They know what to focus on in conversations based on what you say.
They know how to read non-verbal cues...and won't rely just on words...it gives them an edge.
They don't ever utilize a clobber-over-the head-approach...they understand subtlety and use it.
They don't ever appear 'pat'...
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
How to show a Man you Like him without being Clingy
Posted: 9/22/2009 11:44:29 AM
Here are some thoughts...

Don't play at being coquettish. Be direct; and don't clutter your message unnecessarily...don't be repetitive---once or so is enough. If you're interested in him then don't speak of others in this way; he won't be able to see a place for himself with you if you keep filling it with talk of 'others'.

While skype and other services are available; I'd tend not to make your communication with him something commonplace (no IMing) Keep it special. Stick to writing emails...perhaps not everyday though. You can develop and feel a lot for each other this way, and it becomes something to look forward to.

Do you write at all? Is there something that's personal to you that you can share with him? Sharing things in this way, especially if he similarly inclined, will suggest that you care about him...care about what he thinks.

Finally, suggest a timeline to get together for a visit - people who care about each other do this..friends too. It becomes something to look forward to.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 57 (view)
 
LOVING
Posted: 9/22/2009 11:09:46 AM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


We learn what our values and needs are as we move along the path of life, picking up things here, discarding others there, until we just become who we are, and love the way we do.

^^^I agree. Great question.

My biggest lesson on love came only in the days and hours before my mother's death. Had I not seen it in these waning moments, it's very likely that I would held on to some rather disjointed notions about love framed from my childhood perspective. I simply never really grasped the entirety of what they meant to each other. I got hung up by how they related... not realizing that what that was, was really just their way; and that it took nothing away from what they were to each other and what they felt for each other.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Is it healthy to check out other people online when your dating someone?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:17:51 AM
It seems that you're both on different pages here. Looking is one thing. Searching is another. Chatting and engaging is over the top. While admittedly you're in the early days of a relationship...this is what I'd consider more than a troubling indication, and one that doesn't appear to bode well for a happy relationship between you both.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 212 (view)
 
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:55:16 AM

You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now?

^^^I would. That's why I wrote this below...

sweetest: If there is clear jeopardy to any individual, then society has a role and must intervene imo, regardless of the marriage contract. This is not one of those instances.

Further, I would intervene on behalf of most of what you've indicated out of the same earnest sense of doing the right thing; by living by my own moral code. That same code doesn't permit me to feel that I can intrude on someone else's life out of a sense of doing the right thing. She is not in mortal danger....if she were...a different response.

This woman is not known to this man. That said she already has people in her life that are friends to her...that are family to her...and, if they are close to her and close enough to them as a couple; they will likely have seen the fine print of the tracks that her husband has left behind...and may have already taken it upon themselves to advise her accordingly.

I'm personally of the opinion that women in particular...almost always know when something's amiss in their lives...whether that's in their own bodies...with their children...or in their relationship. There's nothing scientific about my point of view, it's merely that.I believe.

I also truly believe that many women don't want to 'know'...meaning that they'd prefer not to have confirmation of some suspicion...because it means actually then having to 'do something' and perhaps they'd rather just not...because it means change...or some drastic upheaval that they're uncomfortable making.

I've also been the shoulder to many. I don't interfere in others personal choices or personal lives unless they've specifically asked me to; or if there is jeopardy that I'm aware of. With friends there is going to be a calculated risk in going forward; and while I may it might be okay if it involves a friend--- it's still a risk because like it or not people create their own reality and what that is and what is truly important to them...may often not be the same as what's important to you. Be part of crushing and bringing that down...and there will be a price to pay....for all you know...the 'whole thing' was working for them.

Btw...I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on. I still would not appreciate someone interfering in my personal life. jmo.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 76 (view)
 
The grass is always greener...
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:26:10 AM
I don't see the grass always as being particularly 'greener'; as I've really had nothing to complain about right here in my own backyard. I've always found some really neat people here...I think in part it's because my city, like Washington DC attracts a lot of transplants...very few people are actually from here...born here.

What I do notice with myself however, is that I do enjoy looking at profiles from places that have a climate that I tend to like or that are from areas or regions that I've enjoyed visiting or living. San Diego, Seattle and Vancouver are good examples of places that I find myself much more intrigued with profiles; the scenery, the vibe, the people all kind of fits...
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 100 (view)
 
are you still sexually experimenting?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:06:10 AM
^^^Thanks for the clarification RG. I appreciate it and your message.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 98 (view)
 
are you still sexually experimenting?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:52:12 AM

Sweetest, your directed answers to me are VERY presumptious.

The impossible clash comment is SO self-ego centered on YOUR part to even think that I(with my supposed limited view, a view you know NOTHING about other than this post) would even consider ANYTHING with you in the first place. Where did anything I've ever posted give you THAT idea?

^^^I just happened to be one of those who as you put it...

Seems all of you people with the negative reaction to my comment ARENT reading ALL the posts-ad nauseum- on here from women who are CRYING about how men start talking about sex even in the initial emails if not the texting if not the phone calls.

^^^and posted my 'negative' reaction to it--nothing more...nothing less.
But in case you forget your post...to which I was responding, here it is again...

I think that ANYONE answering this question is totally DOOMING their chances at having a quality relationship from this site. Especially the women. It puts you out there in a "seeking sex only" mode.

^^^My point. I'd never be with anyone that means YOU or ANYONE who had this rather stunted, unenlightened and completely limited perspective imo, which is so far from my own. That's the genesis of my interaction on this thread with 'you'---again, nothing more...nothing less.

How's that workin for ya? Are you finding a plethora of men who think like you and are just struggling to pick ONE?

^^^Great actually. Thanks for asking...Howdja know???? Yup. I recently picked just one.

Moving on...


I have that on my profile so that I won't inadvertently reply to a person who pursues intimate encounters.


Well, those people who have intimate encounters as their goal are just people like the rest of us. We are all, I would think, here in hope of arranging an intimate encounter at some point. Its ascribing this bold face admission to some amoral perspective that I think is probably unfair and unjustified and based on some assumptions and generalizations about people.

^^^I'm not into judging--never was. I've always had a problem with POF assuming that people who are upfront about wanting this should be somehow penalized by selecting it. I simply don't care; and truthfully have had many intimate encounter offers that come from all statuses.

My reason for having this selected on my profile is simple....I don't want my capabilities to contact others to be taken away because I didn't pay attention to the POF rules and to the fact that I replied to email from a person who has selected 'intimate encounters'. That's my understanding about the rules of this site; and I'd rather not be monitoring that. I have always tended to receive a lot of mail, and made an attempt to reply to all; something which was clearly noted on my original profile. It's just easier to whip off letters on a Sunday morning without having to be overly concerned about tripping that filter.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 199 (view)
 
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:48:27 AM

Next time I see someone "key" your car mahogany-rush, I'll take your advice and "mind my own business.

^^^Should you help? You have proof in front of you; and it's a criminal act, so of course you should.

Next time I see someone do something to you that could be detrimental to you, I'll mind my own business.

^^^Again, you're seeing it --proof and if criminal there is an onus to act.

The next time you need help... I'll mind my own business. The next time some white, southern, baptist yokels get all drunk, riled up and take things into their own bumpkin hands... know what? I'll mind my own business.

^^^Again, it's playing out in front of you...you're seeing it and it's criminal it's incumbent upon anyone to help to act and that's entirely different thing than interfering in a marriage.

Adultery is not a criminal act.
Criminal acts require intervention. That's the difference.

A marriage is completely different than your neat and tidy list of must-act scenarios that happen in public because it is a private entity, not a public one.

It even goes beyond private to enshrine only the two members that are a part of its contract....not the family...not the extended family...just the two parties involved. Entirely exclusive, meaning it's none of anyone's business but the 2 parties involved.

The objective of the OP here is entirely suspect. Having worked through and dealt with the more immediate effects of finding out his partner has had an affair....his involvement now having divorced her...is OVER in her life....and thus, anyone SHE further involves herself with.

Therefore his motivation now appears to be only be one thing...not having dealt with all of the 'residual stuff' around this issue, it seems that he's seeking to stir the pot further which is akin to wanting to see revenge...justice...payback...whatever you call it....and his pending conduct here to interfere, given those motivations is simply wrong.

"Who's place is it to talk to her if not the OPs?" Hahahaha, what a joke. People like you don't answer questions, you just ridicule.

^^^Her husband is number one on the list of having 'this place'...as he's the marriage partner. People who commit affairs...do often eventually confess to them to their spouses. He may do so still.

Beyond that understand this...anyone of us who willingly involves ourselves romantically with others is not guaranteed that in doing so, that things will end well. We all take that risk with our heart. 'As adults' we all take risks in all choices that we make in our lives.

The wife is not of tender years here nor a child that needs to fall under 'society's wing and 'protection'. She's an adult. And when someone is an adult they understand that all sorts of things may happen as a bi-product of entwining one's life with another and of choices that they willingly make to be a part of someone's life.

Society doesn't need to protect an adult from choices that they consciously make and paths that they deliberately take...that don't guarantee their individual happiness. That is not the role of society.

With adulthood comes reality; and yes, that 'bite' often is not hard enough to land you in jeopardy....just hard enough that you need to make changes, pull away...to regroup, and be a bit introspective before coming out for the next go 'round. And it's clear to me anyway, that he's not done enough of that yet.

If there is clear jeopardy to any individual, then society has a role and must intervene imo, regardless of the marriage contract. This is not one of those instances.
jmo
jmo

edit
~~
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 186 (view)
 
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:45:12 AM
Think about the deliberateness of your proposed action and the responsibility of it.

This singular deliberate action is now only about your conduct.

You’ve had time to process and act with reason and hindsight.

Therefore can you hurting this woman be justified?

==========================================================

You have been hurt.
You are still hurt. We see that.
Does making her hurt the way you did…the way you do…make sense?

You’ve dealt with the cheating in your life; and that’s all that you are obligated to do.
Whatever is going on in another’s marriage… is irrelevant to you and your life.

Whatever you think you know about why people in marriages do things…the less you likely do.
In your case..your wife had an affair that you found out…and it hurt you.

You are making an assumption that it is exactly the same situation on the other side…

It may be...but it is also very likely not.

For all you know she already knows and has an arrangement with her husband to keep it discreet; or she knows and turns a blind eye because it works for her; or she doesn’t want to know and have to deal with it…because it means dealing with other things.

Affairs happen when something is wrong in a marriage…period.

You can rightfully blame your spouse for some of what was wrong …but you also have a role in and responsibility for whatever was wrong in your relationship that led to your spouse leaving your marriage. What those issues are, is between you and your wife now ex only.

The other spouse also has a role and responsibility for why her husband has turned outside of the marriage. Whatever reasons the man had for leaving his wife are between them; and you will never know really what those reasons are.

Just know that they are very unlikely to be the same reasons that played between you and your wife.

Whatever the current state; it is their marriage and their life.

You simply have no place in it.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Let me give you the tour...
Posted: 9/20/2009 3:05:31 PM

Do I get a hair-net or do I just delete his number?

I'd keep his number and ask him what his hourly rate is...It's obvious that he's got an eagle eye...Seriously, this is the kind of over-the-top thing that one lives through with an OCD partner. I'd be gone. This is his 'good' behavior...it can only get worse.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 85 (view)
 
are you still sexually experimenting?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:54:06 AM

"Must NOT have contacted users seeking intimate encounter"

Gawd.. bipolar or what? Or maybe just hypocritical.

^^^Not bipolar...not hypocritical...at least not in my case.
I have that on my profile so that I won't inadvertently reply to a person who pursues intimate encounters. The site has set filters to stop a person from posting to others if they've showed a repeated pattern of frequenting and communicating with folks that are there for this reason. I don't want to have to continually monitor that. Simple.

on edit


It isnt 1951 by a long shot. However, if YOU WOMEN do NOT want men to start heading for the sexual discussion talks even BEFORE he knows your favorite color, or your last name, or any other part of COURTSHIP, my earlier statement stands.

^^^As equally does my assessment that it would be an impossible clash to be in any relationship of the sort with a man that has such a limited view...that being that woman should not admit that they are open to exploring the sexual side of their natures.

Women on this site as well as almost every other place opinions can be read are CONSTANTLY complaining and whining and just overwraught with irritation at how quickly men want to get sexual.

^^^While I've read this, I've never once complained of it.
I've also never once met a man who are like as you describe above. And while I've dated rather infrequently from this site over my time here; choosing instead to invest my time on many first meets over coffee; I recall none of these men that I met, striking me as potentially this type.

 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 434 (view)
 
celibacy in late life
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:47:05 AM

Let's say you liked ice cream so you went down to the local ice cream parlor and ate some. Mmmm, that was yummy. You liked that so much you made it a habit. But then one day when you walked down there a big dog came out of nowhere and bit your leg. Man, that hurt. You limped home without getting any ice cream. Your leg healed. Feeling better you started thinking about getting some ice cream, but now you feared getting bit by a dog. Ice cream is good. Dog bites hurt. What to do? The ice cream is not worth getting bit by a dog. Stay home and decide that you can do without ice cream.

The reward for learning how to deal with dogs that bite is ice cream. It can be done. One tip is to make sure you don't have any bacon tucked in your socks when you go out. Another good one is don't pull a dog's tail. The thing is, ice cream is great no matter what dogs do. The problem is the dogs that bite. You've decided that it was the ice cream that bit you and so to avoid pain you go without. Carry a stick and whack the dog if it comes at you. Maybe your mailman can advise you. They deal with dogs daily and also have sex, not with the dogs, of course, but at home after eating ice cream, with someone they met who also likes ice cream and doesn't own a dog that bites.

^^^Two facts. I love ice cream and I'm not a child. I no longer need conditions around any familial or societal concerns in order to have it. As an adult I fully plan to indulge in ice cream whenever I feel like it as opposed wrestling with preconditions which only serve to take the simple joy out of it.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 325 (view)
 
Is it a compliment to be contacted by a younger man?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:16:36 AM
Mere contact is not something that I consider particularly 'complimentary' given that this is a dating site. In my experience, I'm aware that not everyone out there is actually reading my profile before contacting me. That said, I have never set age limits around who can contact me, as I don't hold a lot of stock in how old someone is relative to me as a criteria of whether or not we have a shot at being together; it's more about matching on a range of compatibilities and attraction. Someone can 'feel' too old for me in how they look at the world...and while they might actually be younger than me---it's mindset and attitude and how that meshes with my own, that's going to trump any sort of age considerations every time.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 82 (view)
 
are you still sexually experimenting?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:30:19 AM


I think that ANYONE answering this question is totally DOOMING their chances at having a quality relationship from this site. Especially the women. It puts you out there in a "seeking sex only" mode.


this attitude says, 'only pervs discuss sex.' how 1951.

if a woman holds that attitude, she won't be compatible with me anyway, so i've lost nothing by posting here.

^^^I agree...this is something that suggests incompatibility (with me) and a rather old fashioned notion that women are perhaps wanton in displaying a desire to know themselves better through sex.

Sexual expression is a dimension of who we are and is demonstrated in how we relate to another. We know ourselves better through that expression. To take growth around the 'sex part' out....and to say, I'm fully formed...I'll never change...that's it...that's all I'll ever be<<<<< How does that sound?

I'd suggest that most would say it's sounds rather limited and absolutely uninviting.

No one is expecting to be around someone that is always up on the all the greatest moves; but people want to be with someone that is more or less 'game' at least to consideration generally meaning...not closing doors just because you've always done it that way.

I don't know a lot of people that are in long term marriages...but one thing that I do see if I had to pick at a few trends in the ones I know of is that they demonstrate this aspect of 'reinvention of the relationship up and from the sameness'...by being open to trying some new things with each other now that they are free to do so.

While I don't have indications of my friends sexual lives...what I do see from my perspective is that this willingness to branch into other places to 'grow' in non-sexual ways...likely manifests in the bedroom as well.

jmo
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:09:33 AM
I might have thought that relationships 'complete us' when I was around your age and engaged to be married. But now....after a couple more decades...I easily see that this is definitely one viewpoint that's changed. And yup, there was likely a bit of bitterness thrown in spurts around the demise of a few relationships. But ask youreslf...how's assigning blame to something external to ourselves a fruitful introspective exercise if one doesn't seek out our own role in whatever happened? People who tend to think that 'things happen to them'...as if they are cursed...will generate that reality for their life. Truthfully, I also know that there was also a heck of a lot of good that came out of all of those couplings...some that made me better as a person and some that made me better as a parent. No regrets.

So to answer...relationships have not made me bitter and online dating does not make me bitter.

People that think that they are a kind of good sort---perhaps not the best---but certainly not the worst and who generally feel that they are as deserving as anyone else out there...will find a small slice of happypie for themselves somewhere at some point. It almost is a given.

POFF has a lot of people that are living right back where the scene of the crime happened...oh so long ago....everyone is guilty until proven innocent feels awfully harsh for some of us and it turns people off rather quickly...luckily, one can get a whiff of it usually right on a profile. It's this kind of thing that spells failure in dating...but I'd be surprised if other parts of one's world wouldn't also be flailing around too; because this kind of negativity is poisonous in so many other applications.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 181 (view)
 
Why do YOU still make the effort.
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:39:10 AM

I'm "middle aged", and really couldn't put myself out for anyone anymore.

^^^I may be middle aged but I apparently see things from an entirely different perspective. I don't see middle aged as something that I've now reached and therefore must forfeit any desire to 'want' someone...or even to go further...and isolate my thought to want what I want. Nor do I see it as some sort of zone that once reached that I must just lie back and let things happen (to me)...I'm still as motivated as I ever was...really, no joke.

Couldn't compromise.
Couldn't work that hard any more.

^^^Compromise and working hard are qualities that one brings to many things in life. Not being willing here when the rewards have inherent in them so much possibility speaks to a general dismissal to go work a bit for what one wants. Things don't change or manifest without some positive effort and energy directed at it.

What do you think makes others go that extra mile?

^^^There's no 'extra' effort about it. I do what I do because I want to do it. I'm driven to do it. I'm excited and optimistic about doing it and the potential of it.

The elusive dream?
Hope?
After all these years - is "the one" a reality, or just something to cling to?

^^^Imo, it's not elusive at all. I've had many successes and while my relationships have not all lasted, they are not outright failures just because of that fact. Mindset and attitude is one of the best predictors of success imo. Improve that...make even the smallest changes and it often changes the landscape of your reality for the better...popping into view...things that were there but not seen. jmo.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
curious about how men view women who use an online dating site as one way to try and a partner
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:02:22 AM

i've recently seen a blog of sorts explaining the terminology women use in thier profiles, where the person hosting this blog explains at one point how real women aren't posting into personal ad sites like craigs list to advertise needing or wanting nsa sex or casual sexof any kind...and he goes further to say that any woman that would do this is by default a skank and should be avoided like the plague if you men value your genitals and plan to live ..period...

^^^Personally, I find that there is something really off-putting about Craigslist offering, and while there are likely some credible folks on it...I largely disregard it for that reason alone.

alot of us women draw the conclusion that after repeated failed meetings, whether sex is involved or not, that using online dating sites as one way to find a partner is a complete and utter waste of time, because nothing we did/do seems to result in favorable findings....

^^^You're assuming here...and for many women...it's simply going to be a false assumption. I'm one of them. I don't find it a waste of my time at all. Before internet dating there were dating sites that were based on a newspaper ad and some with a combination paper ad/tied to a phone listing so you could hear that person's voice. I was successful almost immediately when I used that service and it resulted in a 5 year live-in relationship. With LL, Match, POF I've met people...but in fact it has been on POF that I've found relationships. A couple last year; albeit both rather short-lived and another this summer in which I'm currently involved.

I think that the reality is that sites and 'interfaces' like these are going to continue to be important and valuable ways to connect. People are working harder and longer hours...and have pack-jammed lives...with little opportunity to have face-to-face communion with others for the purposes of 'mingling'...meaning we don't have opportunities to connect in life as much as we now seem to have to connect online.

so what i'm driving at here is this...is our result a by-product of the majority of men thinking that any woman, for whatever reason, who uses a venue like this one, just a disposable skank by default simply because we tried the online route to find an acceptable partner? is that why this online thing is a lost cause when looking for something real beyond you getting to shag your brains out at will?

^^^I find this rather an ancient thought; and while some may actually still harbor that thought, I don't think many that I have real interactions do. The men I tend to meet are busy people. This site and others like it...help. I think many people are past thinking this is something where only skanks and desperate people go. Generally it's been my experience anyway, that online dating (POF especially) is an exceptionally useful, and efficient way to find rather exceptional people...that would not have likely crossed my path in any regular day-to-day interaction. That doesn't mean that I've not seen my share of ***ses...it just means that I've been able to cull from the bunch some rather terrific men.

As a side note, it's the forums that add that particular level and ability to discern character, thinking and measure of compatibility; much of which might not have been revealed within a short dating phase---unfortunately most don't know of them so the 'local pool' and offering is never going to be well represented on it no matter where you are.

Final point. People are successful here because of two reasons:
1.) They know how to make the interface work for them.
2.) They bring a positive and open attitude to the table.

jmo
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 61 (view)
 
A Dangerous Perspective
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:20:20 AM
For some, commitment and sameness isn't scary because it becomes something that provides constancy and comfort in its very predictability...The very 'sameness' while off-putting for you and and possibly others, will be the very thing that others will find attractive and completely satisfying. Those folk will likely never question if there's better or more out there because the question is not relevant to the people involved.

I am simply trying to better understand the complexity or in other terms fragility of our relationships.

^^^I'll give you that relationships are complex...but I disagree that they are inherently fragile. I think that people who endeavor to do the best they can by each other who hold a similar value toward the relationship enshrine within it a particular level of sturdiness--- strong relationships characterized by 'flex'...and don't necessarily 'give' at the first sign of trouble.

Let me just say now that if I was going to cheat I would not look to you for affirmation. I know it’s wrong and certainly nobody here will argue that it’s right. What I am trying to determine is why. Why is it wrong to have desires? Why is it wrong to want someone new?

^^^What I don't understand is this...If you can say that you understand that you know it's wrong....why is it that you don't understand what's wrong with continually wanting someone new, once a commitment is made to someone?

Correct me if I'm wrong...but your profile seems changed.

edit
~~
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 55 (view)
 
A Dangerous Perspective
Posted: 9/18/2009 5:33:36 AM
Some things aren't a comfortable fit for everyone; and in your case I'm thinking that marriage is one of them.

I also think your age here is an important consideration and one that in tandem with your long term 10+ year marriage (if I've understood that correctly) could more accurately point to your next steps here.

Your post seems to me anyway to suggest someone that perhaps wrestles strongly with impulses and that given the diminishing returns from your unchanging married state that you will be more likely to:

a) no longer deny your feelings;
b) act on our feelings and betray your spouse.

What I also pick up is a sense that one need to be authentic and to be able to have some sort of freedom to 'be'....even though a marriage construct is something that in essence curtails any continuation or 'freedom to explore...' all the flavors of 'what ifs' that exist; and let's face it, will always exist.

Ask yourself....can you really do 10 more years of this?
Marriage is not made for all people and while you may be looking for someone; I'm not getting the feeling that replacing one spouse for another is what you're looking for..as it is the eventual 'settling' and communing only with one..versus exploring the many....that seems to be the problem...could be wrong here...I don't know...

Is that a bad thing? Nope--likely just not for you.
It becomes a bad thing when you have changed something significant in the long term game plan with your wife and didn't let her in on it.
So speak to your wife. Sometimes a spouse is no longer interested in the sexual side of things and more interested in keeping things status quo for her, for the kids and for what others 'see' as an external view...a possible renegotiation of terms might be in order. Or perhaps she'd be okay with dissolution of the marriage....for any number of reasons--who knows.

What's important now is the presence of mind that you now have to minimize the more negative consequences that often happen when people assume that covert decisions and acting unilaterally to satisfy one's own needs...especially when part of an established unit, have no ripple effect on the others---it always does.

edit
~~
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Does the opinion of others ....
Posted: 9/18/2009 4:16:15 AM

How many of us have questioned the status of a relationship with our significant other based solely on the biased opinions of our family and friends rather than our own experiences with that person?

^^^Yes. I've done this. Like anyone else, the opinions of people that are closest to me are very important. That said, I don't usually go about looking for expressed opinions in this area of my life, preferring to work through things myself. Further, it would be a rather rare occurrence that would find me acting solely based on someone's opinion; as I've got very good instincts for people.

If an opinion is proffered and I 'trust' the person offering the opinion...and I also happen to be waffling in my own mind on something or realizing that something is niggling away at me or is somewhat unsettled; it's definitely more likely that their opinion may have some sway in my decision. However, if an opinion is offered and my particular viewpoint at the time is rather unshakable; the opinion is noted and change as a direct result, unlikely.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 457 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 3:07:03 AM
rvroksgp...you are new to the site...and I don't know if you've read all the posts to this thread. Much of what I've posted before is from a point of view on a situation similar to your own---a spouse withholding intimacy from the other. Here are two of mine:
from post 180 pg 7

Cheating is wrong morally.
Withholding sex and intimacy is wrong morally.
What's commonly suggested here is that there's 'a pass' or something 'less moral' for those who choose not to remain intimate; and no pass for those who choose to take the intimacy out of the marriage. Both in these instances are equally morally wrong.
Marriage insists that you are everything to each other forever - it's that simple and that difficult. Marriage is not easy because you cannot and will not feel the same over time; so how you get to have a successful longstanding marriage from that place of bliss where you started out is the challenge...and a tremendous one at that. I failed in my marriage by not honoring the terms of the contract in my marriage. Any resultant action on the part of my ex was as a result immoral to our marriage but no more than my own role. jmo

from post 200 pg 8

"..... if the couple is determined to stay within the marriage and have no sex between them...the nuts and bolts around bringing sex back individually to each needs to be the discussion. Women/men cannot unilaterally expect to make a huge breach in the terms of their marriage and not expect something else to rise up to take the place of what was, whether that is cheating or a reworking and a new understanding around the marriage from where it is now...given the breach, or separation.

You might also be interested in reading posts from ACP throughout.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Overcoming Common Aversions To Do What Must Be Done....
Posted: 9/16/2009 8:50:19 AM
I realize that I have my own quirky limitations in this area. I grew up with a dad in the medical field. I've always had a fascination for medicine but never pursued it. I have a tolerance for blood, can watch the most invasive real life procedures, surgeries of all types and be okay. Something like throwing up however...and I'm outta there. I think though that when push does come to shove, that one will rise up when necessary and as Cookie mentions...have the visceral reaction to all that later. As for embracing a field that has so much within that normally grosses people out...I think it's in large part about getting used to it with a realistic expectation that there might be some aspects that one will never resolve one's squeamishness about.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Why Do Disgraced Politicians' Wives Stand by their Side?
Posted: 9/16/2009 8:23:22 AM
A political wife is not a 'wife' in the strictest terms. She is part of the 'package'. There is political expediency in presenting a team aligned even when there is damning evidence of betrayal.

It's a rare thing to find a politician moving through the ranks and attaining high office completely unfettered to wife/husband and/or children---again, it's marketing a 'package'. A singleton doesn't 'sell' across the ranks...and creates suspicion and tensions...

So when there is collateral damage done to the image of the 'package'; part of the role of the 'wife' is to shore up on the breach committed; whether she's hurt or not is neither here nor there---as she's likely been briefed substantially for many years in great detail of what her role is.

Her stake in being diligent behind the throne (adopting periodic blinders) provides a route for ascension to power in her own right, amassing wealth...all of which can become important in her future in the post political sphere. Often these marriages and what they represent is more of a manufactured 'machine'. She has a stake in how it plays out for both, and not only in an emotional context.

A wife doing the standby your man thing, is only doing what is expected of her in a break glass-in-case-of-emergency situation >>> it's precisely what the situation calls for....as it is only she that can provide the particular elixir or remedy to it.

Edit
~~
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Exploring relationship, okay to mesage others?
Posted: 9/16/2009 5:34:38 AM
If I understand your post, you've met someone that you've been dating a few times, and who you feel there is promise of a relationship with.

If that's the case, and you're no longer interested in meeting new women, then you're next step to should probably be to announce on your profile, that that you've met someone and that you are no longer interested in dates at the present time. You could close with a sentiment that you are wishing them well in their search.

To go beyond this as you suggest that you have, by actually contacting women that you might have contacted in the future, because you consider them attractive to indicate that you are sadly unavailable because you are now exploring the relationship potential with one, seems bizarre and inappropriate. To answer your final question...yes, in my opinion...you should stop.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Theoretical question to pose...
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:05:39 PM
I think when people start narrowing the focus of 'who they can love'.... out of all who are available... and then screening people by creating all sorts of 'must haves' or criteria, that this effectively lowers one's chances of finding love.

If love becomes something that is so scripted, so highly focused on criteria...then it's occurrence is more to be like a sighting of a rare blue moon...and then unlikely to find because one is looking for something that is highly contrived. Love is not contrived.

Therefore, it's highly likely that some will not recognize love in its purest essence when it does appear so unadorned.

If one is lucky love will burst upon the scene smashing filters and criteria to smithereens...Hopefully the one searching will be able to accept what's in front of them and recognize it for what it is when it does arrive---not being quite as what was 'ordered'...but more along the lines of what they were looking for--they just didn't know it.

jmo.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 732 (view)
 
Would you sign a prenuptial agreement?
Posted: 9/15/2009 4:18:28 PM
I think I'd have a problem with it. Can't really explain why exactly...it just doesn't sit right with me. It puts the emphasis where I don't think it belongs and sets the wrong tone.

jmo.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
If you were to marry again, would it HAVE to be with your children's blessing?
Posted: 9/15/2009 4:13:53 PM
While it would be important that my son like the man...I would not look for his blessing concerning who I'd marry; albeit nice to have.

If there were strong objections---I'd definitely weigh them and consider those before going forward; that said, the final decision rests with me.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 724 (view)
 
Decoding the Female Language
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:58:03 PM

It's funny, because I pick up on all the hints listed, and I'm a guy. In all honesty, I'm glad that girls do that, because if they did come right out and say they liked me right off the bat, it wouldn't be a bad thing, but it would take the element of chase out of the game. Let's face it... getting to know someone is a game. You chase a little, and then you get chased... if it's too easy, then the excitement is gone. There has to be something to keep us interested... keep up with the little "hints" girl.

^^^No problem...will do.

Things are just as they should be. If a man can't read a positive hint, he certainly doesn't deserve the rewards of follow through. I don't want to sleep with every woman that has interest in me, any more than a woman is interested in sleeping with any man that shows her interest. We all need a back door out, without crushing someone. Pretending not to pick up on a hint is that excape route.....and thank goodness it is the way it is. If a man is too simple to read or understand hints or positive responce, he isn't going to know what to do with the prize once he wins it....unless it come with an instruction manual.

^^^Bingo. A concept that continually seems to fly over the noggins of some here. Why? Who knows...and now really, who cares? As long as there's proof out there that some 'get it'...and will always get it, it matters not. To each their own.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 89 (view)
 
Article On Mature Ladies and Dating.
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:26:07 PM

I have seen, by reading the forums on dating sites, that some women seem to be happier with their dogs than they would be with a man.
That is beyond my comprehension.

^^^It truly is beyond mine as well. Take the risk; it's worth it.

Maybe the mature man is therefore facing a huge mountain to climb in order to find some good lady to share life with.

^^^There are still many women that make their interest and desire for a relationship a priority; not some after-thought or something that only springs into existence 'if' and 'when' there is some perfect mythical alignment.

Don't fool yourself. That loving look in their eyes in just a sly way to negotiate a long-term care agreement. What they really want, is regular supply of food, place to lie down, and occasional rough-housing. Many men would gladly sign on under those conditions.

^^^Ain't that the truth...but I think you forgot the ol' tummy rub in that agreement...
That, as you laid it out my friend, would be considered a sweet deal for some men in my acquaintance...I smile as I think of a few that I know personally that would roll over for it ;)
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Advice needed on jogging
Posted: 9/15/2009 9:00:14 AM
In addition to what you've received I wanted to also add this. Before becoming a runner, I was a brisk walker. After a year of doing that everyday---no excuses, at least no weather excuses only illness....it became apparent that I was walking so quickly, that I might as well jog. That's how I started. Running every other day is what I'd recommend...but on the days that you're not, why not do a brisk walk 30 min - 1 hour? Important to pay attention to form--as you can get shin splints doing brisk walking too.
 
Show ALL Forums