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Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 233 (view)

Domestic Violence Posted: 6/16/2008 8:56:03 PM
Hi llynass, It's good that you are venting and getting some good advice--a lot of it is right on point. Returning from isolation camp, where he had you, is important. Reconnect with family and friends. Take your time--as much as you need, for as long as you need. You had 3 1/2 years of devastation, humiliation and you endured a hardcore terror campaign--well-thought out and practiced. Bet if you look into his past criminal (public) records you will find a lengthy history. Maybe that will also help you in your healing process. A lot of things are at work here. Something called the 'Savior Syndrome' where you see a kernel/nugget of goodness/potential in the person. Problem is that it is (in psychological laymen's terms) only a vestige of what was once part of a "normal" human being. His psychosis has forever stunted that part of him and he only has rage, toxicity, extreme danger, and highly likely death to give you. Now on to you. You are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have been in conditions similar to that of a POW, and you now need to enter therapy as part of the healing process. You do not have to hate the person (even if it amazes your therapist/other people if you do not)--the earlier commentor is right--the hate is a poison that will only hurt you physically and emotionally. And, it continues what I call his "legacy" by forcing you to do something that hurts you (kind of like taking over the job he was doing on you.) By the way, anger (at the circumstances, person) is not the same as hate--and anger may surface in you. Another person said write down the pros/cons of dealing with him, and your wake up call. Do that. Then do something else that will help you on the road to recover--and long after you have healed. When it's time--and that certainly is not now, maybe not anytime soon--write down the warning signs that were there. (Like when all that at-your-elbow-closeness made you feel uneasy. And that list someone posted above on spoting abuser-behaviors.) Put a laminated copy in your wallet, post it in your home. When you begin enteracting with men after you truly are ready to date, remember the warning signs--peek into your purse (as if you are searching for something) if you need to do so. And do not, not, not, not--did I say not?--dismiss your intuitive sense. People often say to give someone the benefit of the doubt. In doing that, who or what do you have to ignore to give that benefit?......Your intuition, your gut feeling.....and that helps us to self-protect. Believe it or not, inside these individuals, they are scared, vitriolic, heartless cowards. If you encounter him after his release take steps to let the law work for you. Get a restraining order, faithfully report him if he violates it. Change your locks, secure your premises, change your phone number, do whatever it takes to keep the clean break in place. One final thing... For people who ask why you stayed so long, kept taking him back, tell you that you chose to be a victim--blow them off. If you want to respond, just smile sweetly and peacefully say to them, "I wish I always made perfect decisions. What is it like to always do things just the right way?" And turn around and walk away without waiting for an answer. Take care and Take charge.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 89 (view)

I'm done with the whole mess Posted: 3/25/2008 7:35:17 PM
I agree with you--and think you are right to get out of the relationship. Bottom line and brass tacks is he should have brought (or asked s/he to bring him to your home). As long as you hold out for respect and loyalty it'll help make better choices. Keep hanging in there!

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

self-harm and self esteem in dating Posted: 2/10/2008 2:53:06 AM
It's best to step back from trying to date, and address those self-esteem issues. Because, the other person is not obligated--or responsible--for allaying your fears, or bringing you back to the table. Then explore the world of dating, when you (and your self-esteem) can step up to the table with Mr./Ms Right.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 123 (view)

Would You Tolerate This Behaviour? Posted: 2/10/2008 2:40:28 AM
['X-FILE' - My friend likes this guy because she's attracted to him physically/sexually (has had no sex with him, though), she also enjoys communicating with him, he has his "sh*t together", good job, etc. except for this flaw. Maybe he has others, but she doesn't know him that well yet. She has met other guys from POF but no one that is the "total package" like this guy is to 'her'. ] Ummm, communication is the issue at hand...right? Wonder about that 'total package' thing--exactly what is that? The good job? A person puts their best foot forward at this stage. So, if this is his best foot then it smacks of him being disrespectful...of his own word...of her. And that isn't likely to get better. Your friend should move on.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 50 (view)

What Do You Consider A Little White Lie Posted: 2/10/2008 2:17:02 AM
But is a lie always a bad thing? What if the truth results in irreparable harm, while the lie results in great good. Lies resulting in good. Hmmm, now that is an oxymoron. Yes, a lie is always a bad thing. Lies are an insult to the other person...it basically says that one of us is smart, and one is not. As a true friend/significant other, one should not want lies to be part of the relationship foundation. Instead, tact can aid us to speak the truth--without being brutual. Or, in other, infamous words... "Let your words be graciously seasoned with salt."

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 68 (view)

Married or Divorcees Help!!!!! Posted: 2/9/2008 10:40:11 PM
Perhaps it is just me, but I am also 'seeing a pattern'... For every suggestion, from being helpful around the house to dining "down south" --so to speak-- you affirm that you have done many of these things to make things better... You are coming across as heroic--which is fine. But, the bottom line is what do YOU really want to do about the marriage? And for the moment, rest the filter of 'hanging in there for the kids' sakes'. Not because they should not be considered, but because this is about the relationship between you and your wife. And because cheating is not the answer--it's another problem on top of the one you have already. Loving the kids means wanting them to have as healthy a perspective that they can about marriage. Others here are correct--the children are not deceived, and definitely will sense the tension of the situation. Even more importantly, children are highly resilient. Most of all, they need to know, feel, see, and hear that you/mom love them, and will always be there for them---even if you two are separated/divorced. That a conclusion of the marital relationship is separate (it really is) from your relationship with them. As for the older son, courts look at a lot of things aside from the biology of the situation. If he has been a part of the "blended" family in your household, and you have been serving as a direct parental figure, his bond with you can matter in family court. BTW, therapists are people too--with personal opinions and perspectives that can bleed over into their work with patients, just like any other person in any other type of job. Choosing the right therapist is important. And, just so it is clear... I am not an advocate of taking the 'easy way out', and I am definitely on the pro side of things when it comes to the work involved in being in a relationship. Plus, I am (now) able to understand that sometimes--no matter how badly one may want it, and no matter how many reasons there are that it should--things will not work out, and walking away is the only option left. I wish you, peace.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 144 (view)

Why Is it you do everything for a woman and then you get thrown to the curb like a piece of trash? Posted: 11/4/2007 4:52:24 PM
This all took me about two weeks to figure out; another guy I met online I could read in less than a week after I listened to stories about bad relationships too often. Some things are obvious and others aren't, but it takes a mature eye; these skills are things one seeks to develop, and can be learned in dating books, self-help, and psych-related. This is wonderful, impressive, and right on-point. I refer to this as the "BS" meter, and we all have one. A person can be deceiving--but the point is not to help them deceive you. And as another poster said--look at if it is 50/50, or 90/10. Remember--you cannot change anyone. So do not go around "casting pearls before swine." That way, when do meet someone that is deserving, you will not be burnt out/jaded from having given too much to all the wrong types of women. I personally believe a good man (like you) should stretch out for his SO/wife. And she in return, as a good woman would do the same.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 142 (view)

I don't do separated... Posted: 11/4/2007 4:31:40 PM
A lot of commentary, and personalization--which is normal. I agree with your position about not dating someone separated. And with the posters that said there is no need to justify your relationship standards. And yes, the separated guys that complain are free to have their opinion, and a relationship...with someone else. The term separated is a legal one, and it only means (living) apart in terms of bed and board. But one is still very much married. So much so that--if the other spouse wished--s/he could hire someone to verify that adultery was being committed by the separated spouse "trying to live his life and not be held up" by the entanglement. There is no such legal terma as 'pre-divorced', and marriage is a legality, a contract. That is why the courts are involved, and no one is truly 'free' until getting that decree. As for the poster that recommended "sifting" each guy on a case-by-case basis. That 'sifting' would require the single person to put themselves (i.e., heart, emotions, time) out there for someone that is not able to "start from scratch" (divorced/not married). I say, finish the meal on one's plate before trying to serve yourself something/someone new. And that includes giving oneself some time to reflect (or even "heal" if necessary) from the marriage. Case in point, if you have a divorce that is being prolonged, or that is problematic--that virtually screams that all the letting go/resolution has not yet happened (no matter which party is dragging their feet). Because divorcing parties that are able to come to agreement can do so with court mediaters to keep it from being so long winded/expensive. And, if you are agreeable, virtually every court jurisdiction provides forms and instructions online/via mail for you to file for the sake of lessening expense/time. Finally (yes, finally), I am confused with the postings that state 'separation was the better venue for the good of the kids' vs. divorcing. Does that mean (they) are still residing under the same roof? (Which legally separated people can do--but that is soooo very convenient and touchy. Familiarity can breed some steamy/convenient nights on a cold winter's ever/sultry summer night. LOL) If (they) were not still residing together, then why not move ahead to divorce? The bottom line for the kids is if mommy and daddy do not live together anymore. If you are attempting to soften it because you do not have to say the word 'divorced'--then, doesn't that encourage false hope in the child(ren)? Children (and life) work better with clear parameters. It's the fuzziness that causes problems in the children's minds/world--and for the cyn3100s that choose not to date separated guys. And yes--I know--you may disagree. I agree with your right to do so.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 111 (view)

Close encounters with the disordered kind Posted: 10/27/2007 10:28:57 PM
Hi Gunner57--just a couple of small questions here. Is a person "uneducated" or educated when they have lived those pain-filled experiences. If they are educated by the experiences--is that education less because it is not from an academic forum?

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 110 (view)

Close encounters with the disordered kind Posted: 10/27/2007 10:17:59 PM
Alexa61, I have been reading the constant retorts (no-not replies) :frustrated: by Mackenvinized. You are not incorrect. You did not come across as preachy. The quoted information can help save someone from a lot of pain and turmoil. And................. I think it interesting that you keep being engaged in dialogue intended to get you to defend your post of FACTS......very interesting. In your last line you sound apologetic--don't be. But that may have been the goal of all the retorts. Get my drift?

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 107 (view)

Close encounters with the disordered kind Posted: 10/27/2007 9:39:45 PM
Alexa61, fantastic--very informative. There is also a great book titled, "Narcissism-Self Love Revisited. It is written by a narcissist and is a must read. By the way, misogynists are also pretty vicious. And, according to a study I once knew of--both types can be sociopaths and can "blossom" from verbal and/or physical/emotional abuse to murderers, serial rapists/murderers. As for a comment above that most CEO's etcetera suffer from this--maybe some do. But there is a big difference between narcissism and "cut-throat" business practices, they are not necessarily synonymous. But a person with the disorder may engage in such practices.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

what would hurt more Posted: 10/27/2007 9:08:57 PM
Halfbreed8, both are wrong and would be pretty painful. The former is called 'emotional' infidelity, and the latter is, of course, adultery. And, I do not understand some comments that say 'sex is just sex' and so is not nearly as bad as the emotional bond he is sharing with the other woman. Yes, I know everyone has their threshhold--I just find that perspective puzzling.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 179 (view)

Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits? Posted: 10/27/2007 8:57:33 PM
Ummm, Nick.....How does one 'make love' if one is not in love--which is what that phrase is really all about. As for the partnership thing--would the person in your company really be a partner if what she was offering up was 'Monopoly' money? Friendship is the benefit one gets from friendship--not sex.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 177 (view)

Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits? Posted: 10/27/2007 8:50:05 PM
Wow!!! I hear hurt and pain--a lot of it. Something to do with a best friend that was not able to be trusted? lori55m there are good men out there. But you have to "clear the pathway"--so to speak. It's really hard to encounter a good man if you cannot see them; or if have your time/space occupied with one that is not good. I would think it is virtually impossible to encounter a good man if you are convinced they do not exist. Hope things get better.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 176 (view)

Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits? Posted: 10/27/2007 8:42:12 PM
mlsaarin, I do not see how it is necessarily "safer." It's Friends-with-benefits--and does not mean it's just with one 'friend.' Remember-there is supposed to be no commitment. And believe it or not, some people have a rotation cycle depending on what they feel like at the moment, and the 'friend' that tickles that itch.

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 451 (view)

And if she sleeps with you on the first date? Posted: 10/27/2007 7:58:00 PM
So, I am wondering, Fernando--what part of that 3 months or 6 years could have helped you know she was crazy before the marriage. But, maybe the great sex was worth it?

Strait4ward

Joined: 10/12/2007

Msg: 450 (view)

And if she sleeps with you on the first date? Posted: 10/27/2007 7:55:26 PM
Hhmmm, saxatalis--it seems you are confusing love and intimacy with sex. Not the same basket of fruit. And can you really trust a stranger with the sensitive and fragile parts of yourself. Ahem--but maybe you are just speaking of certain body parts--not emotions. And, oh yes--we are all human beings (with sexuality). The notion of being a sexual being kind of sounds like that is a person's ultimate focus........which of course would make them 'be'have as a sexual being.

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