Starting a family aged 50+ chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Starting a family aged 50+

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 70 (view)

Starting a family aged 50+ Posted: 11/6/2009 12:59:34 AM
I think if you really truely want to be a parent chooseing to do it at 50 is a huge step . It can be done and I don't buy that most people will be to infirm to parent a child into their 70's if they choose to. I have seen too many older parents do a great job. Kids need a lot of energy and patience. Especially when they are little . Even more so if you adopt a child who is older. Many have significant problems that not only take tons of patience but massive amounts of money. I do think if you are going to have a child expecting that someone else will be the nanny every time you want to go doing what many people do in their 50+ years then it is pretty selfish. Also expecting that your friends who have completed their parenting years are going to want to do and instant replay isn't realistic. I also don't think it is a good idea just to have or adopt a child for your spouse unless you also want to be a fully vested parent yourself. Kids will know and be very hurt by it. A child feeling unwanted can make homelife miserable any number of ways. Since many families find themself sandwiched between dependent children and parents (which is hugely harder and lasts longer in many cases) that is a consideration. The idea that long term care insurance is going to cover the costs I believe is highly unlikely. Would I date a man with children? It would depend a lot on how he and the child accepted me into the co-parenting role. I would not tolerate being anything short of and equal if a serious relationship actually occured. Since I could not support a child on my own at this age I would not consider adopting one myself unless my spouse had significant resources to place in trust for a child. I would not dream of attempting pregnancy at 55. Since it has not been possible for 30 yrs. I certainly would not go to the extream of having a surrogate at this stage of my life having an empty nest for a decade. Once you get used to it you really like it. I would much rather spoil a spouse than a child.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 214 (view)

What a man over 45 looks for in a relationship. Posted: 11/5/2009 11:24:56 PM
While I find a detailed punch list of must haves too rigid I would hope people have some values and behavior standards in mind. To me it seems like they are contributeing to the process. I would hope they would take enough time and ask enough questions to draw a fair conclusion on how I really am. First impressions are important but assumptions made on a first date rarely are totally accurate . I think how a person treats people is really important . Not all families are ideal but many people go on to be family centered and that would be important to me as long as our relationship was protected. I do believe how people treat the dependent or helpless says a lot about character. I do think someone that bullies others is a good bet for bullying you in a relationship. If you are a volunteer at heart, like I am , I would have to be with someone who would not have to own my every moment. Same goes for how people treat animals. Lot of people claim to be in love with their pets and treat them terribly. An animal is not a child or an assessorie to dress up and neither is a spouse. Pets take a lot of care and someone who ignores their care tells me how they will take their vows. I agree how a person sets up their home is important. If you put and avid collector with a person who is a minimalist it will drive both crazy. For example I really love my garden so someone who hates yard work and doesn't care if the weeds are taking over the place or finds spending money on those things wasteful would be frustrated with my priorities. I think being comfortable with another person is important too. I don't think good relationships should feel like they are a great effort. If you can't naturally feel comfortable with someone even if they are nice it just won't work. I also think there has to be some basic chemistry. That isn't totally about looks but if you don't feels some attraction wheater it is a smile or how they move or their overall look it is going to be very difficult to want to be intimate. Everyone has their own taste. I also believe that love can occur at any age and is worth whatever time is allowed. Ageing is not for sissies but I would hate for people to have given up on me the first time someone told me my time was up. Keep the Faith fellow fishes.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 338 (view)

I know I will get blasted for this but... Posted: 10/22/2009 3:21:50 AM
I would love to have more feminine clothes and shoes available to buy . Undergarments are a joke. With tiny oftenpoorly attached straps, no bandeau to prevent riding up and minimal binding so panties will stay in place. Absolutely no customer service for fitting. Mixed fabrics that can't stand up to laundrying. If you find a dress with any style at all you can almost guarantee it is way down the middle of my shins. Same with skirts. Blouses are invariable cut so that if they fit you in the bust you have and extra yard around your waist and end up looking like you are wearing a grocery bag. I am not sure where they get their body demensions but arms are cut too tight or short, and necklines gap open. And the ugliest buttons . And shoddy construction over all. Seems not tied off, facings curling up, fabrics cut off grain, zippers that pucker, hems that fall out. and garments with belt loops but no belt. The quality of fabrics are a joke. Who ever decided that stripes are supposed to go across rather than up and down must have been high. Half the time you buy anything plaid the seems are not matched. Dyes rub off or fade with one washing. Permanent press is more like permanently wrinkled. It is amazeing a buyer will buy one color line of tops and then buy clashing color line of bottoms. Sorry heels are a joke. Even if you could tolerate the shift off of your center of gravity you have basiclly one width of shoe now days and the enterior structure of the shoe pinches, rubs your heel raw, and there is no instep padding. Even soles of shoes are so thin that you can't walk across gravel. The foot is not ment to be cooked in plastic all day. Finding stylish "flats" are a joke. Strange shaped heels make them difficult to walk on and many don't have and instep to keep the arch from sagging. Forget a wnter boot actually being water proof. Or shoes that are soil and stain resistent. If you want quality made garments you have to be and accomplised seemstress or pay horrendouse prices and that doesn't even guarantee quality. Made in America hardly exists any more. If something falls apart you can pretty much figure they will not refund your money.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 51 (view)

Men over 45 who dye their hair Posted: 10/22/2009 1:48:17 AM
If a man wants to color his hair it is his choice but I would much rather he just focus on a good cut and relax about it. Better to work at protecting his skin from sun burn and skin cancers.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 74 (view)

When are you crossing the line into adultry? Posted: 10/8/2009 1:31:59 PM
I don't care what the judge said the intent of the law was for married people to live seperately and DECIDE if this really is what they want. That only in seperation can issues cool off and people really discover if being single is what they want. Do they still have feelings for their mate, can they be resolved? Are they still miserable and maybe need to do some self work? Can they really survive the way they want single? Divorce is incredibly expensive for society and seperation is an attempt to save marriages. Or at least let the couple to be seperate in a time while they are divideing and re-establishing themselves as seperate entities without destroying the other spouse thus why temporary support is required. It was never intended to be a time out from marriage to cheat, seek out a replacement spouse with the support of having a spouse. Seperated you are STILL married and hopefully can rehabilitate the marriage or at least part as civil mature adults. The woman who is cheating on her lovers marriage is giving you a clear signal of her sense of honesty, loyalty, and fairplay. Why you value that sort of person for a friend is something to think about. It is not likely you will change her behavior . Is it disloyal to let her suffer from her own cruelty to others? Being around such people desentitize you to their character flaws and make you vunerable to similiar abuse.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 117 (view)

Where are all the Pisces Woman? Posted: 10/8/2009 12:47:35 PM
We are here. Old thread but interesting reading. For me I think variety would be a defineing word for me. That I like, can discuss, accept in other people a variety of things and lifestyles; bloom where I am planted thing. I would resist the thinking that anymore Pisces folks are addicts than other populations because our empathy for others finds this kind of selfish behavior unacceptable and something to swim away from. As would be being moody to the extream. My guess is a creative Picean would be the first to seek professional help, medication, better diet, or doing something else upbeat to re-establish balance.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 52 (view)

Precautionary measures Posted: 10/4/2009 9:12:53 PM
I think wearing a mask is over doing it. But having lost a spouse who had the constitution of a Bull otherwise to flu I don't mess around about getting my shot every year. Whenever I go out one of the first things I do when I come home is wash my hands throughly. And while I am out I don't touch things I don't need to. I also tend to avoid crowds and lines where you can't get away from people who are too rude to cover their cough.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 77 (view)

Are you worried about family and friends knowing you are on this site? Posted: 10/4/2009 8:52:29 PM
Not a bit. My son told me to use the picture of me with my Grandsons cause I am a fun Grandma . My pastor promotes innernet dateing from the pulpit. I feel like what I put on my profile is true and what I say in the forums I would say anywhere else so I don't give it a second thought.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Money, money, mooonney...MOOOONNNNEY Posted: 10/4/2009 2:32:30 AM
I didn't say it doesn't exist I just haven't run into it enough to make it statistlly significant. And I hate to break it to you I have had plenty of exposure to single male headed households. Professionally and privately. Exposure that lets me know very clearly how "Mr. Mom's " , a term I really dislike, have to cope as single Dads. What I have seen is that most Dad's as much as they obviously care for their children have a very difficult time doing the things I already outlined as consistently as their female counterparts. Many struggle with basic tasks and rarely participate in extended relationships unless it is to be totally dependent on aged parents or siblings. Their children often become the homemaker and self parent as latchkey kids. It has nothing to do with virtuosity or selflessness. Let me repeat that. I has nothing to do with virtuosity or selfnessness. What it has to do with is the cultural training that women get from early childhood on that gives them a major headstart on handleing the chores and social situations that taking on what the Mr. Mom roll takes. Guys generally get a different skill set. It has to do with having socialization and peer support that Mr. Mom's have only in limited situations. How many Mommy and Me classes are out there for Dad's, how many Dad's do you see at PTA meetings, how many single men feel comfortable hanging around a playground without pointing out they are the Dad? Women exchange tips, tricks, and practical advice. It has to do with open discrimination that custodial Dad's confront at almost every turn. People think Dad's won't care or don't want to be bothered so they don't bother telling them things or includeing them. They over charge them for daycare and some don't want to babysit for single dad's because it causes flack with husbands or parents. Doctor's often ask for the Mother or talk to the Grandmother but tell Dad's very little. It has to do with even though single Moms have gotten some respect and support services many Mr. Mom's refuse to use the systems out of fear that they will loose custody. And often they do get greif from programs that do "bash men " so they often drop out. Most men see counseling as silly or punishment. They also have to fear that if they have a dependent relationship with a woman, sometimes even their own Mother's, and it ends badly that the children will want to go with the "new Mother figure" as society pressures them to do. And the lousy money issue. Is it fair that most of the time women earn sixty cents on the dollar for the same jobs men do? No but it isn't fair either that many non-custodial Mother's walk off pretty much scott free when it comes to child support or shareing custody because they do earn less. Often because they interrupted their education and careers being pregnant and fine tuneing how to keep the house. Is it fair that some Mom are failures and don't do a steller job even with a spouse? That they set on their bums and basiclly let Dad's be breadwinner and homemaker? No. That stinks too. But that is not the norm and most of us know that.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 116 (view)

WOULD YOU DATE AN ALIEN? Posted: 10/3/2009 10:44:45 PM
Because I was a military wife and close friends with many foreign born wives and I live where being a citizen is definitely placed me in the minority I have thought about this quite a bit. Met some really great people and will say I have considered it. However watching how the strain makes many of those relationships go through serious conflict and how many of them fail I am not so sure I would be really comfortable in taking that leap. When you marry and alien ; even if the relationship is good, often that means becoming a part of their "sub-culture" even if you remain in the USA. Living in semi-segregated neighborhoods and basiclly being absorbed in their culture and only visiting your own on occassion . Many times language barriers factor in and main culture friends tend to drift away as time goes by. Discrimination stinks but when you get caught in the middle catching from both sides it is a lot to deal with. You are only marginally accepted and often resented in the subculture. It is sad that economic barriers exist for aliens but it does factor into the overall all choice and it is not as simple or as easy as it should be. What I have seen is once married then there is a tremendous pressure to return to the country of origin, especially as parents age or disasters occur. Or bear the burden of trying to bring family here. Call it what you might I am staying put at least in the continental United States where I have rights and protections as a citizen. Not about to get myself stranded in a foreign country because the person I have allowed myself to fall in love with wants or needs to be there. I am realistic enough to acknowledge that some people are just not going to be able to cope with such difficult situations and I can end up on the worst end of it. While I don't have children that age I definitely worry about the implications of custody when divorce occurs. The USA courts do not necessarily get involved in many of these situations. And lawyers want to be paid in advance. What many people do not know is that a foreign born parent's rights out weigh the rights of the non-national in their home country. If you go you take your chances. What is sad is there are many aliens that have very different backgrounds than what they admit and finding out they have parents, siblings, children, grandchildren, or even spouses they don't own up too. Not to mention criminal backgrounds, outstanding debts, and serious health issues that won't show up on our systems here. I know all these problems make it really tough on the good souls that are coming here to work and live like anyone else. And maybe it is unfair that they have to swim upstream but I take educated risks and just because someone else is willing to make a cross cultural relationship I doubt I would be up for it. I support anyone who is but it is not for me. Last but not least I don't have at this stage of life the time or energy to make such a blind leap of faith and recover if my choice turns out to be bad. I want someone I don't have all those issues to deal with.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 76 (view)

If you were to marry again, would it HAVE to be with your children's blessing? Posted: 10/3/2009 7:33:55 PM
Considering I have had an empty nest for a decade I really do not see my adult children trying to impose themselves in my private life any more than I did in there's; which absolutely excluded my expressing opinions about their choices in dates or spouses after they were no longer minors. I would like to think that if someone was significant in my life my children would be happy to hear it. I think they are long past trying to influence such decisions. The idea that a son should be "Man of the House" is ridiculous. It does no one favors for sure. Would it be nice for everyone to be on board with the comingleing of families? Yes. If I am dateing someone and a significant person in there life is resistent to me I try to give them time to get used to the idea. If my SO couldn't work it out it is possible that the relationship would die out. I am not going to beat myself up dealing with and abusive "in Law".

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 154 (view)

Okay, is turning 45 the worst or what? Posted: 9/28/2009 6:18:26 PM
Sure beats the alternative. I doubt I am the only one to think this up but hey it is the bottom line.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship? Posted: 9/28/2009 5:20:54 PM
No. But my good sense and experience makes me reserved enough to take the time to know someone. That includes verifying what they tell me, and not bringing potential mates into my safe comfortable life until I am convinced it is going to be a good experience. It is not that big a deal to get to know a person's friends, co-workers, or family in public places. Someone that is intent on invadeing my space prematurely seems like someone who is too desperate and undependable. Would I consider a long distance relationship? Yes but the same standards would apply. It is a small world and it is not difficult to check someone out if you are really interested in a serious relationship. Would I travel just for a weekend fling; no way.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 174 (view)

Article On Mature Ladies and Dating. Posted: 9/28/2009 12:12:35 AM
My first thought when I read that was hogwash. Perhaps that is because I was happily married and enjoy the reciprocal nature of marriage so would seriously consider it again. Have I heard other opinions expressed? Yes but more often I think it is to save face. My feeling is if a mature man is a gentleman and actually makes dating and developeing a relationship pleasant most women would be glad to consider another marriage after a reasonable period. I know I would. It is not that I hate being single because I like my life but I just know how much I would enjoy shareing the place I am in my life. Would it seem natural and complete to have a partner that was decidedly younger and not my peer? I seriously doubt it. And nothing against dogs but I am ready to be snuggle up with my honey not a critter.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 88 (view)

need to drink alcohol to enjoy sex? Posted: 9/27/2009 4:37:54 PM
Nope. Alcohol does nothing for my libido. If the man has to have a drink to have sex with me he is of zero interest. Alcohol is a real buzz kill. Fouls the breath and makes kissing gross. Usually makes guys sweat like crazy. Nothing shoots down a mood like a guy who is dizzy, nauseated, or has to keep running to down load a pint. Defintely makes guys more clumsey and unaware. A guy who fails to get it up or keep it up because he has, or had to, drink doesn't get a second chance.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 102 (view)

Horses in pictures???? Posted: 9/27/2009 3:35:04 PM
Personally I like people that post pictures of their interests be it things or living creatures. The idea that a picture is worth a thousand words. My only concern would be if they were eager to make me a free "farm hand" or " financial sponsor " because pets and expensive hobbies are not high on my list for things to co-sponser in my senior years.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 86 (view)

How Slow Is Slow Enough. Posted: 9/26/2009 5:32:59 PM
Well I hardly think I have to hurry just because of my age when I see people in their 90's getting married and having longer relationships than some of the younger crowd. My personal belief is someone who talks on line frequently for more than a month or so and has no realistic plan how and in person public date can be arranged is just stringing you along for attention. When I say a date I do not mean inviteing them to my home or even getting in their car but at least laying eyes on each other and seeing if you get any kind of desire to proceed. If there isn't any natural chemistry you are flogging a dead horse. I have better things to do with my time. If someone says you need to slow down they probably don't have the connection that any amount of time is going to give because you are getting different vibes. If you have given someone the information they need to know to see how you think and handle various situations is going to be eager to meet you and they are not feeling crowded unless you have said or done something to shoot yourself down. That would not necessarily be true for long distance relationships but I think the chances for long distance relationships surviving are slim and none. People who talk across long distance are not that eager for a relationship or they are desperate and neither are a good sign. If you truely are ready for a dateing relationship you set aside the time to talk to a lot of people and develope the relationships with the most viable people. If you think you are going to get a relationship after a year on line and a year or more dateing you are conning yourself. That person either does not know what they want or can't communicate that you are not it.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 108 (view)

What led to the downfall...? Posted: 9/26/2009 4:21:43 PM
Being widowed at 38 and now 55 I have a problem with saying the downfall of my relationships, or the absence of them, is the death of my spouse. For a long time I just did not have the desire or energy raiseing teenagers to deal with dating, a relationship, and that it probably meant I had to also put up with blending his and hers families and probably and ex-wife in laws. I knew the odds for those relationships and didn't see it as a good bet. While twenty something children should not rule over a mother anymore than two year olds trying to cope with the emptying nest alone was harder than I expected. Greif sat aside as a luxury hit with both barrels. As the time slipped by dateing seemed more and more to be something younger people did. The music changes dressing like a "hottie" sounds kind of ridiculos. Playing sports you worry more about and injury than the score. The boss figures you are glad to work weekends. That many men were interested often only wanted friends with benifits with no committment didn't seem wortht the effort. Because it is often available I figured let someone else get saddled with a late in life kid or left behind when they saw what they really wanted. I didn't fall for that baloney at twenty why would I at after forty. Not that at times it wasn't very tempting. Seeing little parts of my youth melting away I wonder if what is left is still enough. In some ways I feel more woman but it takes a wise man to see that. Wisdom does not necessarily come with being single at a mature age. Sometimes there is a reason what is out there is. I am sure that is true in reverse.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 621 (view)

Why Are Over 45 Men In Love With Motorcycles? Posted: 8/26/2009 1:00:03 AM
What I read of this thread; about the first third and last quarter; is interesting to me. I have a hard time someone defineing owning a bike giving them a sense of freedom. Either you are free or your not. What you possess doesn't change your status in that department. Since walking or driving a convertable gives you the same fresh air in your hair; which by the way is usually squashed and sweaty under a helmet, it sounds like the same sales speal you heard from the "recruiter" about military travel. Maybe there is some allure later about sweat , smog, bugs, and dirt in your tangled windblown hair that I missed in my riding days but I guess I have forgotten it. I can understand the pluses of riding as did it for a while in my twenties. The views can be great and the feeling of speed is unique. It is very pleasant in many ways. Especially if you can get onto the smaller roads . That romantic notion however is frequently met with a gun toteing property owner that has more than their fill of party animals on two wheels preceeding you. While I never found the vibration all that sexually stimulateing it was good for numbing your "business" if you rode long enough. A rider with a back ache will usually let you on top if he isn't sacked out. A good scare usually made for "holy shit did you see how close that was" drinking than amourouse encounters. I doubt that has changed. lol But because riding is also very dangerous, requires serious concentration, quick reaction, serious skill, not just a minimal amount of strength, and an extream amount of luck to walk away without serious injury from even a minor accident I don't know that I would want to depend on "football" knees, a beer belly, bifocals, and maybe several medications of a middle age rider to make it a safe bet. Not to mention some serious bucks to pay for the "fun". Sorry guys I don't want a date for a McDonald's breakfast with a guy who's "other" car is a piece of junk because he's poured all his money in his bike. That doesn't factor in how far they can't walk when any number of problems occur. Not like a bike will protect you from the elements if you are stranded. I find it a little fool hardy that a large number of middle aged and older men think they have the ability or the finances to to afford to ride leaving little or nothing left for their golden years. Or to take care of their parents leaving their kids, a sister, or the next Mrs. to be and unpaid caregiver 24/7 eight days a week. I find it a little obscene that while middle aged ex-wives are scrapeing together college tuition, home repairs, health care, and helping support the grandkids they are out blowing big money on a bike and in some cases living in their parents homes. Or as some widowers have admitted to me spending life insurance for basiclly toy occasional transportation. While I am sure some are loyal girlfriends I have my doubts about how many "Biker Babe Groupie's " will hang around when the money runs out or the rider can't fit depends under his leathers because being thrown off a bike pretty much makes him a vegetable. For some I am sure the interest is genuine but if someone is all ga ga about Harley's more often than not is because they are considered "$tatus toys$" that suggest other wealth they can blow while you are out riding with the guys. Or that it will chap their Ex husband's arse. lol I guess what bothers me most is when a rider is injured or killed there are always a lot of other people who also suffer. Insurance as high as it is rarely comes close to covering the expenses and families and or tax payers pick up the tab. And for all the "brotherhood" of riders those who end up broken and or beat up rarely get the feeling of fellowship as they live out their lives forgotten in some nurseing home. Head injury patients are some of the most combative only topped by screaming swearing quadriplegics. It kind of chaps my arse the ones who say the "old ball and chain" wouldn't let me have one because of the kids. Well just because they are old enough to carry the casket they are still your kids and your choices are much more likely to make them suffer sooner; even if they are grown. Parenting wasn't just a responsibility while they are under your roof or your married to their mother. And absent Grandfather is every bit as sad as and absent Dad. Further more admitting you you wussed out and let someone else run your life until divorced is hardly a glowing resume of your independence and decsion makeing leadership. I would rather date someone who always rode a bike than some wanna be who was brow beat out of doing what made them happy and thows a quasi tantrum by buy a bike to spite and Ex wife (or compete with her lover). It is really funny when they have a good scare and general keep the bike around as a garage ornament. Kind of seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face paying the payments and insurance. I doubt many would risk haveing it repossed by some real life bad ass. Too; I have to wonder, how many even still have road worthy bikes and aren't just photo props. For all the responsible riders who truely can and do enjoy their choice to ride I say more power too you. Be safe, have fun, and support your favorite charities. But if I have a choice between a guy who enjoys a nice ride in a safe comfortable car, even if it isn't flashey, and being around longer to enjoy the golden years that is the guy who will get my loving.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

A Friend's Pregnancy Posted: 8/23/2009 10:09:23 PM
For your sake and this young woman's sake I hope you recognize you have way too many personal feelings to be the level of plutonic friend she is going to need in this situation and withdraw. Other wise I don't need to be a fortune teller to see a nasty domestic situation in your future's . What is really sad is the one to suffer the most will be and innocent child even if you are the only one who ends up in the hospital or jail.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

STalkerish??? Posted: 8/23/2009 9:53:56 PM
If you live in a relatively small community and represent yourself as you had in your profile she may have thought you would like a "spontaneous invitation to a Christian activity" as you stated. Can't get much better opportunity to look great at a "safer" environment that you already have to attend; preferably with a date. That she texted sounds like she planned on you showing up so I hope you were enough of a gentleman to tell her, and the host of the wedding, that you would like to be excused as her escort. At 27 years old and someone who is a family man you had to know that a car that would not start was a really lame excuse. If she even speaks to you is more grace than I would give you. Good manners generally dictate when you accept a date as an escort for a formal invitation that it registers in your brain as something requireing a little more notice. Now adding insult to injury by calling names on line sounds like damage control .

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Can someone please help me figure this out ? Posted: 8/23/2009 9:24:07 PM
My guess is he is trying to up the anti where maybe you will either; knuckle under probably offering sex to keep his interest, or he just likes having someone on the string to appear desireable to others. If he gets you, the older woman , to keep chaseing him; at least awhile he saves face to the people he has probably bragged to. Forget this wanna be player as not worth the insult. With friends like this you wouldn't need enemys. Better luck next time.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

a Tricky dilema? Posted: 8/23/2009 9:07:05 PM
Sorry if this is a redundant post but part of the reason I read threads is to get to know people as well as what the current mores are. As a mid fifties woman perhaps my values, which are clearly traditional, and or situation is different from some women with considerably more resources but I feel like I am self sustaining and contribute to my social life on the same percentage as most of the men I would date. I could give some of the younger folks a little history lesson but the reality is that traditional relationships are still preferred by many much younger couples than myself, and when one spouse is the stay at home part of that arrangement it is not likely that they can change their values systems even if some folks want to change out the rules to dateing. "Catching up" is just not feisable. Generally that ishakes out that men are usually the more affluent providers monetarially. By percentage or in it's entirity. Since I doubt most men would not prefer having a wife that took a lot of the stress off of them so they not only have stressful carreers and considerable time they have to contribute to homemaking and social obligations I really doubt that it will become compleatly out of fashion that traditional relationships exist.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 725 (view)

Slept with 83 people Posted: 8/23/2009 7:11:21 PM
Bingo! Urban ledgends make for conversation but rarely reality and the storyteller the center of attention. If it is a true scenrio, what the heck, what is the more likely reality is this potential bride figured out the groom was either lying about his "number" or a self righteous lame duck and is just really yanking his chain. Or the groom is yanking his friends chain because he has figured out he is a nosy gossip who can not get a life of his own.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

explain this to me, make me understand Posted: 8/23/2009 5:43:10 PM
Pictures are worth a thousand words. Do you present a an amicable, engageing, direct, friendly first impression with good body language in attractive stylish clothes, well groomed hair. and clean shaven? Didn't look at your profile but complaining after one post why would anyone look?

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

After all these years, they're not yours!!! Posted: 8/23/2009 5:25:58 PM
If there are three children my different father's than the stand in "Dad" besides two others there are probably a lot of facts you do not know. How would you know that your "friend" is telling you the truth? The facts could actually be very different. What goes on behind closed doors is often a very different story. Are you sure this guy is not feeding you a line to get some sympathy sex or someone to back his story? Honestly three seperate kids and he doesn't know? Yes you might know these people but can you put this woman on the stake before you really know that they both couldn't have been swingers, actually had invetro, he could have had multiple affairs (which doesn't mean she has to be harmless in this mess), or not been able to had sex for years, he could have been on the down low all along, got off on watching, or pimped her in her early years. What is more likely is they both wanted all their children to look alike to prevent outsider's knowing there were seperate father's. Many would be shocked at people's secrets. Oh and all that concern about rights ? At least in the USA Children concieved during a marriage are the responsibility of both the Mother (wife) and Dad (husband); law does not recognize biological father in a married couple. What it recognizes are the child's rights as superior. Well actually that is a misnomer. Actually it is the right of the state to assume the husband is responsible (with the Mother) to support the children so they hopefully do not have to. Husbands can and routinely are held financially responsible for offspring that are biologically someone else's. Sorry guys doubt the taxpayers are going to let you out of this one too easily. I realize it takes two to tango but when guys quit soweing wild oats without protecting THEMSELVES there isn't going to be a lot of sympathy. Oh and by the way would I change this law? Absolutely! I have NEVER thought lieing to children has EVER been in their best interest. I think every CHILD should have the RIGHT to a paternity test. And a parent that supports them because they want to. We have seen how forced support has worked out.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 240 (view)

Is it a compliment to be contacted by a younger man? Posted: 8/21/2009 2:27:34 AM
I don't find it particularly flattering. For one , at my age, I am not sexually attracted to physical appearance of a younger man. I want a body that is softer and cushier and doesn't have the smell that a younger man has. Younger men have a much faster tempo. What I have found when I talk to a younger man that wants and older woman they seem to be looking for someone to be what they seem themselves to be equal too. Often they were raised by much older Mother's or " Grand mother figures" . If they have and age approriate Mother they are weak and inefectual often depending on the son to make decisions, provide care, and affection. But very little supervision. I think they carry in an attitude that they are younger, stronger, smarter, and more sophisticated and that they can promote themselves in a power position Sometimes they are seeking a family " environment" to just see what it is like. . Or just a stable middle-class houseing situation. Sometimes and older woman is a real "houseing" option or a vehical. Some want to be mothered and I have seen a few that really were not that interested in the sex, especially hetero sex, but more in the absence of sex or at least having multiple partners. They might be quite good at sex and know the right word play for the right woman but it is rarely about love and more likely a permissive "keeper". If they have children so much the easier to manipulate the sitiuation. Sometimes they are more capable of controlling children/adolecents because they have been life long parents. A few are doing it as pure "dare" or bordeom. Or genuine hatred for older women.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

How long do you wait to delete that number. Posted: 8/18/2009 10:59:28 PM
If I have a number that has not called me in a month I usally delete it if I don't just after they call. Don't need a throphy list. It is amazing how nosey people can be so I don't want someone picking up my phone and knowing my personal business. I am very careful about giving out my phone number because I don't need some person who turns out to be a cry in their beer type calling all hours. Just not the gab on the phone type.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 71 (view)

When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie? Posted: 8/18/2009 3:26:32 PM
The premis of the thread was interesting . What is even more interesting is seeing how the OP revealed all his underlying motives and behaviors. Certainly makes me rethink the idea of accepting private "at home" dinner invitations.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

So how can we make it easier for single moms to date? Posted: 8/14/2009 3:19:35 PM
Jake's comment makes a lot of sense. I know for one that if a guy feels compelled to make that statement to me I feel like I have already been demoted to the wicked step-mother status. It also brings in to question my priorities which is rather insulting. Some ideas that served well for me were more of family habits than coming up with a last minute exception. My kids expected that I had adult me time routinely. Unless there was a very good reason there wasn't an exception. They had a bed time. Even as older teens there came a time where they were expected to go to their personal space and and give me privacy. This was true even in the morning. They knew if they got up they could play quietly in their room but it was not open season to wake everyone in the house from a very early age. A courtesy I also offered them. It wasn't uncommon for me to leave them a breakfast tray and leave it in their room and at one point I actually put them in the Master bedroom so they could have immediate and private access to the bathroom and more play space. We had a babysitter's bag. Not only was there a "how to " manual but there was other useful information. Like how to find cookie dough in the freezer or an on the go treat. A stash of art supplies and toys. Emergency Power Of Attorney. My kids also had a comfortable set of sweats that they wore to the sitters that they played and slept in. More often than not I used a babysitter that would keep them over night and then I usually took everyone out realatively early for breakfast or at least took donuts to the sitters. Regularly I was the babysitter. I found it pretty easy to find parents that needed a sitter for certain holidays or certain nights. Nurses were great because third shift was always tough and I found they were more than glad to return the favor; often bringing their kids over to my house for a sleep over. The ones I did not want to swap paid or bartered other useful helps. Paying a sitter fairly is critical. Never try to pull a fast one and add a friend's child. Just because you used to babysit for peanuts doesn't mean to have a regular and dependable sitter you can jerk around those who you depend on with excuses of paying late or not in cash. Nobody wants a check and if you need a reciept have your own carbon book. Bickering over arriveing late or adding on chores will get you pegged as someone not to sit for and that reputation spreads like wildfire. If you have a high needs child or a wide range of ages it may take two sitters. Useing a sitter consistently ups your odds of having someone not flake out. Missing one nights pay is not much of a motivation but if you are a regular customer that generates income they depend on your chances get better. At times you have to be flexible but a regular nights help everyone get in the groove. You can not expect people to babysit on birthdays and so forth. Don't have a date on the sitter's night? Use them anyway. Go shopping child free, visit a friend, take a class, go to a library and escape in a book. If you have a standing sitter for work if you get them used to you haveing personal time also it is not necessary to tell when you have a date. With a cell phone you are accessible. If you do not know many age approriate or qualified people you can find a list of licensed sitters through your county offices. Calling your local high school student counselor it is possible venue as is a minister of a near by church. Many seniors babysit to suppliment limited incomes. One note I rarely used family or friends for babysitters. Because I didn't get in this mind set I had not worn out the priveledge when I needed an alternative. When ever a friend or family babysat I never took it as a freebie. If they refused money I brought food, or flowers, or something personal to acknowledge the favor. Friends usually appreciate a nice portrait of their child and this is pretty easy/affordable for one shot at a drop by Photo place . Good luck. Count your blessings. It is much harder to find a relief sitter for and ageing parent.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Bullying of single parents. Posted: 8/14/2009 1:36:31 PM
Wish I could say this kind of balogne doesn't occur but it does. Part of being a parent is learning to handle critizism with maturity and often more grace than the person offering the discourageing comments. Try to keep their words in perspective and be open to the idea that the reason it bugs you so much is you are trying to be a good parent and maybe you fear they might have a point. And example might be the nameing issue. A parent sees it as their absolute right while a family may see it as a bond between the generations. Where possible seek compromises and build bridges. In the long run you might be surprised the ones you will need. A call to Child Protective Services should concern but not frighten the average parent. Workers quickly see through abusive calls but are mandated by law to come out and check them out. Staying business like, answering questions, and welcomeing the resources they offer you . Don't see a pass as the right to then threaten anyone with counter complaints because that will only pour gasoline on a fire and loose whatever support you might have from and overworked CPS. . There is safety in numbers. Going to a Parenting group, church of your choice, YWCA ( which affords parents membership on slideing scale), P.T.A. or regularly seeing people who are supportive of you can help balance out your critics. An informal meeting with other Parents at the WalMart snack bar or McDonald's playground will give you peer support. If you have toxic family members sometimes you have to resort to self preservation and have caller id or and unlisted phone number or in extream cases restraining orders. As a Grandparent I understand their rights but if they are keeping you so worked up that you can not function you can limit there access severly. I would caution against going to war with family or people in public. With a child you can't up the anti the way they can if they act stupid but you can gain credibility by staying calm. It is very sad to say that there are some really irrational responses to breast feeding. Unfortuneately there was a period when it was heavily discouraged by all means fair and foul and Mother's and Grandmother's can be very emotional about their views. Try to focus on that it is the most cost effective healthful way to feed your baby and be as discreet as you can around those who are not supportive. Done somewhere private it actually can be a bonding time between Baby, Mother, and other adult women. Keep in mind the past couple of generations thought a healthy baby was a fat baby and may need reasurance that a normal weight baby or a small baby we are so blessed to see survive now days are not in jeapardy. Also many people who are the most hyper-critical may have their own unresolved issues about parenting. Maybe a "lost" child or pregnancy or a similiarly critical experience. If their relationship with you has always been difficult they may be afraid to step back and fail one more time. The stakes get a lot higher when you fear for your own child and a grandchild. That you come here and discuss this common parenting issue heartens me that your children will be well cared for. Ignore the ignorant rearks.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Being too nice.. Posted: 8/13/2009 1:25:49 PM
Something made you hesitate to go for the gusto with this gal and I think you should listen to your intinct. Do your best not get all caught up in a romantic fantasy about this woman. Sounds like you are ready to be in a relationship but I don't get a good vibe about this being the one. Be cautious. It is likely she is just trying to see if she can get you in the sack and will drop you like a hot potatoe after. She is probably surprised by someone who didn't jump in her britches and doesn't know how to react to it.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Help Posted: 8/13/2009 12:18:07 PM
Your young, and I assume she is young, and I think she got the vibe that you were going to take over her life after one fun date. Calling every day is like too much rain it causes a flood and everyone has to evacuate. I would chalk it up to experience. Date other girls and if some time in the future you meet again you can see what happens.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Is being shy that big of a turn-off? Posted: 8/13/2009 12:28:46 AM
I kind of like a person who is shy to a point. Then when they do say something I tend to pay attention rather than just ignore the endless blather some put out. When you live or work alone a lot you do kind of fall in a rut of not expressing and opinion out loud so conversation does get a little harder. If you have pretty much fallen out of the social loop you may have to make and effort to perk up on what is current. I will say unless you are Brad Pitt lookalike, or fabulously wealthy, or some other outstanding material you are probably going to have to draw attention to yourself to compete. That means contacting people. I would practice first in just reading and commenting in forums. It gives you a lot of exposure and lets people get to know you from a comfortable distance. If you are interested in a specific "Fish" then I would note what she is interested in. Believe it or not a three or four sentence note that is upbeat and polite is much better recieved than some big overature. It is a numbers thing. You might strike pay dirt on the first message but the reality is you will be a howling success if you get anything nearing a 10% return. A lot of profiles are old, rarely checked, or taken down if someone is dating. Age is another factor as of course distance and your habits.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Why do so many women put their pets in thier profiles? Posted: 8/13/2009 12:03:42 AM
Probably because they want to weed out those people who are not into animals and attract the ones who are. I hope if someone is really into anything that they reflect that in their photos and or their profile. A picture is worth a thousand words. I don't buy that all potential dates will lie about loving animals to "score". A minor compliment yes but not many will go past that if it isn't true.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

What do girls like to talk about most... Posted: 8/12/2009 11:48:08 PM
I think I would go lightly on the compliment thing. One sounds genuine and doesn't make a person self concious. You get too into "girlfriend things" you are going to displace your status as a date. General conversation developes from mutual interests or activities. Referenceing from where you met or a previous conversation is a good beginning. Asking for feed back about where you are; what you are doing. Pointing out something interesting and comparing it to something else. Telling something small about your self; where you live, and interest, wheather you have a pet, or have been somewhere , or hope to go somewhere, or plan to buy something in a few details , and then letting them build on what you have said with a comment or question. Most all people have some common experiences; school, a job, a pet, favorite tv program , food, type of music. I think getting into great philosophical discussions about the meaning of your past or the future of mankind are pretenious. One thing you want to avoid is gossip , name dropping, or asking too personal questions that a person might regret telling you and make them not want to be with you again.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Second Date Posted: 8/12/2009 11:05:27 PM
Personally I have a several thoughts here. I don't like to critique a date while I am on it or with him. Stateing that you are having fun or like me is a compliment and I expect that you will call again so it is really not necessary to nail down exactly where or when. If I am having a good time I will probably say so but not give you and evaluation. If a date starts fishing for compliments or future commitments I feel he is desperate and pushy. I don't necessarily carry or want to discuss my calandar on a first date. It is fine to talk about things I like to do as long as it doesn't start feeling like a job interview or someone charting when I will be where. This kind of third degree makes me wary you are possessive or just trying to track where I will be so you can go elsewhere with someone else. Not that I care if a casual date actually goes out with someone else I just hate when people try to be a player. If a gentleman doesn't call or email me either that night or the next day thanking me for the date I assume he is rude and not all that interested in me. If I give someone my phone number I am going to know theirs. If I don't answer or return your call you have bombed out. Don't expect me to call you but if I don't say thank you before I take my leave of you you can pretty well assume I did not have a good time and don't want to go out again. I tend to take an invitation immediately on the heels of the first date as you have no life and assume neither do I. Not a good first impression or a flattering compliment. Asking for a date in the next three days even if the date occurs later tells me you want me in your future and you care that I have time to prepare.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

What to wear on a casual date for the first time? Posted: 8/12/2009 10:19:25 PM
If you feel under dressed in comparison to your date then it is possible you are. If a young woman puts in the effort to have her hair and nails done, wear a dress, and wear less than comfortable shoes it is not likely she is going to be all that impressed if you show up wearing a tshirt that doubles for and undershirt , "comfortable" jeans or shorts and something shy of shoes and socks, and hat head. A date is a date; not hanging out with the guys on the driveway. Clothes should be approriate to the environment or maybe slightly better. The exception is if the date is to do something that might tear up better clothes. Always they should be clean and fresh and so should you.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

This Might Be A Repeat. But Could Use Some Answers Posted: 8/12/2009 10:00:12 PM
I can't speak for anyone else but your profile and even this thread doesn't seem to well thought through. You tend to ramble and get stuck on ideas that are kind of irrelevant to the average person in a conversation. If I go out with a person it is about the present. Having a good time, upbeat conversation, no whineing or making excuses. Not going overboard with unneccessary explanations. If you are such a great boyfriend but haven't dated for 5.5 years that means you must have changed your standard operateing procedures or maybe the women in your life have outgrown your behavior. Part of what is your problem is that you have no visable means of support and a small business is often a "cover" for selling drugs or not getting a real job. You have the added disadvantage of being a small man so people are going to see you as weaker than you may be. That you mention that you "know to much" suggests that you are trying to impress people with what you know rather than have a regular conversation. Sad truth is the early twenties are not the easiest time for dateing for guys. Mature women that age generally are looking at older guys and younger women are off limits. Only you can know what of this applys. I wish you luck.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

OK I really dont get this Posted: 8/12/2009 9:29:39 PM
Sounds like she didn't find the conversation all that engageing. Maybe another relationship has moved into the serious level. I would not let it bug me. Dateing is a numbers thing. Keep trying.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

When should I bring up a medical issue. Posted: 8/12/2009 9:23:59 PM
If you feel it is important then I would somehow include it in my profile where it was to mention it in your dietary preferences or where you volunteer. Personally I don't see it as a big deal unless you are going to hound me to follow your diet. If you need to have a sweets free environment you would not do real well around me. I don't and would not be the food police for sure.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Making him interested? Posted: 8/12/2009 8:45:18 PM
I would guess you gave him "your only a friend and coworker " message when you took friends on " his " date. It is probably going to take a nudge from you to get him to ask you again. If you are talking on line it is easy enough to remind him that you had a great time and then add that you are ready for a solo date if he has something in mind. If he picked up the tab for you (and especially your friends) then you owe him a date. I do go along with the thought that you are courting disaster in dateing a coworker regardless of what company policy might be. Emailing at work for personal purposes is a good way to be passed over for a promotion or terminated. Be wise. Good jobs are very hard to find right now.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

What do you think about men our age with small kids?? Posted: 8/12/2009 2:39:00 PM
I find it perfectly reasonable for me to make the choice to have children in my twenties so that when I am in my late 40's and 50's onward that my children are adults and increaseing independent, but not abandoned even by death , thus giving me the freedom to have another focus of my life. I have never said that I am the center of the universe, that I do not care about children, what I have said is at this stage of my life that I want to focus on a mate who would like to now focus on me now that his responsibilities are mature and less demanding also. I find it particularly offensive that anyone would suggest that having a child in my 20's was anything less than a well thought through, prepared for , and paid for choice. Or that I was anything less than a capable, loving, and approriate parent for my young ADULT status. I believe I was in better health, more physically capable, more patient, less distracted by career, and less convinced that my way was the only way to do things. I had the energy, willingness, and desire to give them the best of myself and them the FIRST turn. I don't think that wanting to date someone that has made a similiar choice is selfish or suggests I have less character than someone who wants their entire life to circle around children. What I do find incredibly selfish are the substanial number of adults that wait until later in life; when they have spent their peak years endulgeing themselves in other interests then try to recapture their youth through having children and hanging out with children rather than letting them be kids. Some older parents actually have children to compeate with there own older children having sex/children. Or to spite an exwife. What I find is many of these late in life children end up being raised by a series of nannys, frequently are spoiled, and often end up as housekeepers, non sexual surrogate spouses, and caregiver's, or hosts or more realisticlly and excuse to distance their parent's paramours from more than "weekend" committments not for the joy of having a child or teen around. The reality is many late in life children were not planned but appeasement or accidents for extramarital affairs. Many are extreamly unhappy children, with a host of problems, that make even the most experienced and committed step parent's life a living hell. Because many of these kid's have not only "Ex" parents but two sets of grandparents heavily involved in their lives there is very little opportunity for a normal nuclear family ever. I personally do not see it as my responsibility to backtrack my freedom to finish up the surprise's of , or choices of, someone who decided to have their children later. I don't think I am missing a lot repeating and experience that I enjoyed but don't want again. I certainly think anyone who thinks I SHOULD is really more selfcentered and judgemental than someone I would pick.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Dating a Married Man Posted: 7/11/2009 2:54:56 AM
IMHO you owe him nothing. No goodbye. No chance to lie to you any further. What could he possibly say to make it worth wasteing one more second of time or emotion on him. To do so is only hurting yourself. The best way to end it is to just walk away and go on with your life. It is easy to put his phone and computer on block and ignore him like the invisable nothing that he is. If you have anything of his get rid of it. You have no need to have memorbilia of this creep so get rid of it. He was never what you thought he was so you are looseing nothing. It is a pretty safe bet you are not the only other woman and he will hardly notice. If he doesn't and keeps trying to get with you send him a dated signature registered letter with a single phrase "I want no more contact." Sign your full legal name. If he attempts any more contact, document it ; and take both to get a restraining order. If you know he is married and you continue the contact you are committing a crime in many places. His wife could have social and financial redress against you. Leave his wife alone. She hasn't done anything to you. (At least not if you were having protected sex.) If she wanted to know if he was cheating she would do the same thing you did. In the future be more careful and verify what you are told. I am very sorry for your pain. I would go see my own physician if you have any problems coping. Might not be a bad idea if you have had physical contact to have yourself checked out. Better luck in the future.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 86 (view)

Confused! What do men really seek? A nice woman that can be wild sexually or just plain wild period? Posted: 7/11/2009 2:10:33 AM
I can't speak for all men or even most men. But from the men that I have listen to are any indication they want .....First and formost someone who wants them as is; ongoing. Second someone who knows them well enough that it isn't just fast and sloppy.or submission or a warm body. Third someone who actually is enjoying what they are doing with him. Fourth initial skill is not as important as enthusiasm and willingness to try to do what he likes in and out of "bed". Fifth is if you are with them that you are only with them; and not just waiting for some one else to betray them with. Last that if you say you love them that you mean it and not just for the moment. For it to be a man I want to be intimate those are the same basic criterias I want also.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 57 (view)

Proper Blocking etiquette Posted: 7/11/2009 12:33:42 AM
If someone emails me; I will read his profile and some of his posts. If I don't want further contact I block them. Persistence is not something that works with me . I have seen people on this site that I have seen shall we say being less than desireable elsewhere and I delete them email or not. If I read a profile that I know I am not going to be interested in that person I generally delete them also. Why set someone up to write that you are not interested in. So if someone deletes me I assume it is the same reason. I don't take it personally. But then again I don't try to flame anyone; just not worth my time.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Money, money, mooonney...MOOOONNNNEY Posted: 7/9/2009 7:37:00 PM
If a Mister Mom really was into the parenting/home making thing; actually did it more power to him. I just never seen a guy who could keep up with load the average Ms. Mom does for more than a long weekend. It is not just the kids and house but the family and community obligations, supporting the spouses career, sometimes holding down a minimally rewarding job too. If the stigma doesn't get them the isolation and being cooped up with kids does. It is not so much a matter of women not wanting to flip roles . I would have loved to come home to a hot meal , tv time with the kids, and someone else dealing with the parents and would gladly have turned over my paycheck for it. Of course that is a moot point as far as kids but it could come up again as who cares for the ageing parents. My guess is that will also be me though.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 264 (view)

I don't do separated... Posted: 7/1/2009 12:15:49 AM
Nah can't say I care for that program. What I do care for are the people who ended up on the opposite side of my social work desk because they got caught up in a drama with a married/seperated lover and the angry , imature, maybe selfish spouses and others . Divorce is catestrophic for many and they are not going to accept it with out a fight. Innocent victims who lost their jobs, houseing, and even their freedom, not to mention catestrophic injuries, or the death of their parent or adult child because they did Not avoid the drama that a simple choice to not date someone seperated could have made. Sometimes stupid choices are forever.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 263 (view)

I don't do separated... Posted: 6/30/2009 11:48:49 PM
If you think that is over stateing the problems of dating someone who is Seperated then you obviously have no idea how difficult it is to defend yourself if the person you are involved with has a spouse that commits suicide, or is murdered, or commits some kind of crime. Or has a spouse, family members, emplyees, or even gang members that decide to punish you for " messing " with "their " spouse. I feel sorry for people who have complicated divorces because of co-mingled finances, pre-existing health conditions , or don't want to destroy the family finances by forced sales of property or businesses but I did not create that problem for them and I don't need to be a second class lover when there are plenty of SINGLE people available.

PacificStar

Joined: 10/15/2007

Msg: 221 (view)

Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner Posted: 6/30/2009 10:31:52 PM
I think if the truth were told there are far more women and men being abused than anyone wants to admidt. IMHO the core of it is vunerability. Young people are pushed out onto the street way to early, with way to few skills, and often little or no support network of near by family and friends. It is little surprise that the bully mentality is rampant and so many are living in fear in bad relationships private and public. The sagging economy is certainly not helping. What I have learned from experience is even in very tough times America does not expect anyone to live on their knees. If you ask for help to escape abuse the systems are in place if you are willing to work to rebuild your life . Men included. A single call will refer you to shelter and all sorts of resources. You will be believed. Chances are you did not get in the situation and you probably are not going to get out quick. Not likely you are going to be able to do it "your way". You may have to leave a lot of THINGS behind and live in a shared living situation, be on state assistance, maybe return to school, AND work at some crummy jobs standing in line for legal assistance, medical care, and counseling to have the things you need but with drive and determination you can be amazed how great life can be in about a year. If you are in an abusive situation think how many years you have seen lost just on the few people who have soken up here. Save yourself. More importantly save your families. If children are involved do NOT kid yourself watching/listening to abuse of either parent is HURTING your children. They learn what they live. It will effect all areas of their lives to live in that kind of toxic home. Your extended family suffers too. Parents and siblings have terrible stress when you make them helpless; secondary victims. If you allow abuse, even if you stay, they can and do become victims anyway. The risk for sure is real. If you are reading this and think someone is going to just let you walk away; especially with your kids, you are probably right. But it is possible with professional help not only document your abuse but plan your "escape" and your future. YOU HAVE THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE! Sometimes your family will come through for you , sometimes not; but it will surprise you the people who know what is going on and are just waiting for you to make your move. And the strangers that will help if you are courteous and appreciate the efforts they are giving you with simple Thank you's and responsible behavior. The reality is, we as citizen's, can and do need to support the developement of prevention and recovery programs. Also putting teeth in laws that won't allow domestic violence. It is costing a fortune in medical costs, lost work, public services, crime, and taxes. That doesn't scratch the surface of the human toll.

Show ALL Forums