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Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

Where are we going? Posted: 6/12/2008 10:53:14 PM
My belief is that humans were destined to become dynamic components in a much larger dynamic organism. Building blocks of incredible diversity in capabilities. Technically we already are, but I imagine it's going to get much larger from here. As part of the universe in which we exist, you are right; we are a part of a much larger system, and since we exist as part of a whole (the universe) the whole universe could be said to be as intelligent as we are, taking into account all the other forms of intelligence which we already know about and those which we may not know about. Much like cells in our bodies, which have no idea what their greater purpose is, they exist as individual living cells but are a part of a much greater whole. A human brain cell can not form a complete thought, but the DNA from which it is formed is ingenious in itself. Yet without the body, it is meaningless. I believe that we exist within the cosmos in a similar role. I don't want to derail the thread from its original purpose, so to get back to the topic; I think that whatever becomes of us is not that important, because much like the cells of a human organism, our lives are largely determined by the will of the whole. The universe unfolds with or without our input. It created us by whatever means and for whatever purpose. I believe that we can not help but fulfill our roles, whether we understand them or not! We were created by whatever means with individual will and a mind to think, and a conscience which makes us want to do "good" to one another. So long as we are true to ourselves, we will be at peace with one another and with the universe, no matter what the future may hold.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Where are we going? Posted: 6/12/2008 10:27:58 PM
Change is inevitable. The nature of what that change will be is impossible to predict. However, we can look to past changes to make educated guesses. But, in reality, the only thing we can control is the here and now; make your life the best you can make it. I believe that human existence is not the ultimate sum of the universe. What becomes of us is less important than the role we play in the universe right now. According to quantum science, time itself is as much an illusion as space is, so does it matter how huge the universe is, how short our lives are, or how small a blip humankind is in the history of the universe? We exist, and that is enough of a miracle for me to celebrate regardless of what the future may hold.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

*** IS FEAR THE MIND KILLER ** ????? Posted: 6/12/2008 10:18:01 PM
We fear that which we do not understand. When we really understand a thing, there is no need to fear it. Fear serves an important function in all creatures. Fear of public speaking helps us avoid making ourselves into public idiots. Fear of heights helps keep us from tumbling off cliffs. Fear of the dark helped keep our ancestors from being eaten by wild beasts. But fear without reason limits us and prevents us from growing. When we allow our fear of public speaking to control us against our better judgment, we may miss opportunities to lead. When we allow our fear of heights to prevent us from going rock climbing, we may miss out on exercise, social opportunities, amazing views and a lot of fun. The real problem with fear as I see it, is that it causes us to form unreasonable prejudices. People fear other cultures because they don't understand them. This leads to bigotry. People fear change because it is unfamiliar. People fear death because nobody really knows what happens when we die. People fear the dark because they don't know what might be lurking there. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things; change is inevitable. Death is just a part of life. The dark can be a beautiful thing and is completely harmless by itself. I believe that the root of hate is fear, and the root of fear is ignorance. To overcome hate, we must admit that we have fear, and to overcome that fear we must educate ourselves. To remain ignorant is to remain a slave to fear, and thus remain a prisoner to our own hatred.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 121 (view)

Have you ever driven someone away with music? Posted: 6/12/2008 10:01:09 PM
I think I've driven some people away simply because of the huge variety of music I listen to. For some reason, if you like listening to Type O Negative sometimes, then you're not supposed to also like listening to ABBA on occasion. Or if you enjoy Oingo Boingo, then you ought not to also like listening to Van Halen. Why should I censor my own musical taste to one genre or style? Good music is good music. What I enjoy listening to doesn't make me who I am. Is it a requirement that I must be a greasy-haired punk just because I like listening to Suicidal Tendencies from time to time, or do I have to be a stuffed-shirted geek just because I enjoy listening to Wagner when the mood strikes me? If I eliminate music that I enjoy from my life just because it doesn't fit with a certain stereotype, then I am not really true to myself. Yet, if I give myself free reign to enjoy music that I like, then people somehow, almost invariably, get turned off by something that I like.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

So confused has anyone ever had this? Posted: 6/12/2008 9:40:22 PM
If she wants to go slow, then there is nothing you can say to change that. In fact, even if you avoid telling her that you are in love with her, if she senses your over-exuberance it is likely that she will translate it as creepy, desperate, etc. In the words of 38 Special, just hold on loosely.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

How do I lower my standards without compromising too much? Posted: 6/12/2008 9:36:24 PM
I approach life from the perspective that I am already pretty happy, why muck that up by dating someone who I already believe is not what I'm looking for?

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

how 2 post a new thread?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:30:48 PM

I've exhaustively searched for an answer to this but still can't figure this out, it appears to be a glitch. I can not start a new topic. I can reply just fine. I have not started more than 3 in the last 24 hours (haven't started even one for months actually) and I've never broken any rules. The topic is one that has not been discussed according to all searches I do, it's in the right forum and violates no policies. If I am using a word or phrase that the spam filter is catching, I can't imagine what it could be as I've tried retyping the same basic post 4 different ways and it still won't post. I don't get any error message. I am sure that I'm clicking the "post" and not the "cancel" link. When I click to post I am taken back to the sub-forum topic page, and that's it. I've tried waiting several hours between attempts to see if there is just some sort of delay in showing up, but no such luck. I'm no internet dummy, but this problem has me stumped.

Your New Thread Creating Privileges were revoked for making Done2Death Threads. Once they are gone, they are gone, I won't discuss anything, won't reinstate it, won't get them back.
Case Closed / Ticketoride

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Like a copy of the Book of Mormon, Sir? Posted: 5/26/2008 8:52:33 PM
I was raised in the Mormon faith, deeply entrenched in the culture and doctrine. I was fully assimilated before my own critical thinking freed me from the brainwashing tactics subtly employed by the LDS. If anyone has reason to dislike the Mormon faith, I have. I suffered from many years of chronic illness due to cognitive dissonance and the anxiety from feeling guilty for having a brain with which I could not help but question the doctrine (a dangerous sin in and of itself in the LDS church). I'm not bitter, but I could be. Still, when I see the missionaries, I get a little smile because they are generally decent guys, doing something they believe in, and sacrificing a great deal to do it. Two years in the prime of their lives, they are not allowed to date, watch movies, even the music they listen to must be sanctioned by the church. They do it because they want to help people. Whether what they are doing is actually helpful or not is not the issue to me. If they got pushy and insisted that you take the book, or became rude or aggressive when you said "No, thanks," then you would have a good issue to gripe about. But they are taught to respect the wishes and beliefs of others who are not interested in their message, and for the most part they are very polite and respectful. Of course there are exceptions, they are human like everyone else and YMMV.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Can modern photography really be considered art? Posted: 5/26/2008 12:38:03 PM
Art is not defined as certain types of medium. You can't definitively exclude something as art simply because of the method used to create it. It doesn't matter that a camera merely records what is in front of a person, what matters is that they recognize what is worthy of being recorded. If you give two different people identical cameras and put them in identical situations, you will end up with completely different photographs. A true artist will show you things through photography that you never would have seen with your own eyes were you in the same situation. Here is an example; http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b16/eclectixx/creek1postable.jpg This photograph looks like an abstract painting. Most people would have photographed the trees on the other side of the creek, rather than the mud on the creek's edge. Most people would never notice the colors and textures in the mud, until they are put into focus by an artist with a camera. Is it art? I won't tell you what to call it, but I don't think you can make a compelling argument that it isn't art.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 41 (view)

Poor guy. Posted: 3/3/2008 8:04:45 AM
Everybody says things from time to time that, in retrospect, may not have been as tactful as they usually strive to be. This is a far cry from saying something truly offensive or deliberately hurtful. Nobody can force you to take offense. You either take offense or you choose not to take it. Why would you choose to take offense where none is intended? Or even where it is intended for that matter? If someone said something truly hurtful to me, unless I really cared about them then it would roll off my back like water off a duck. If it was someone I did care about, then I would re-evaluate how much I cared about them and why I would care about someone who is that insensitive. But asking a question like this was not very offensive at all; a little insensitive perhaps depending on the situation, but far from offensive. Since you mentioned that he is her boyfriend, then clearly he is fine with her frame as it is. If she is not, then that's her issue, not his. His issue is having such low esteem that he puts up with someone who takes immediate offense where none was intended, and whose knee-jerk reaction is to lash out rudely and offensively in return.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

would it put you off Posted: 3/3/2008 7:40:12 AM
Only an insecure guy would be bothered by the fact that you enjoy writing poetry, whether he appreciated it or not. If someone is threatened by your expression of your emotions, I think it is a sign that they are not comfortable with their own emotions. Better to move along. Whether a person appreciates a poem says as much about the listener as it does about the writer. It is very subjective, and different people have broader or narrower acceptance of things like poetry or the arts in general. I don't write poetry, but I do paint. Some people love my paintings, others hate them. I take this as a good sign; if everyone just thought they were OK, I would know that I'm not doing anything noteworthy. I'd say poetry is the same; only the mediocre get broad acceptance. The talented will always meet skepticism as well as praise.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

Dentures, would you really not care? Posted: 3/3/2008 7:31:02 AM
Glass eye, false teeth, prosthetic limb... why would it be a problem? A person makes do with what they have been given. Not everyone is blessed with physical perfection. The attitude they have about their situation is more important than the cards they have been dealt. So long as their teeth aren't made of wood like ol' George Washington's were...

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

Why does almost every guy pick the hammerhead Posted: 3/2/2008 9:59:46 PM
If it were an option I would choose Coelocanth... rare, bizarre, highly evolved and widely believed extinct. Truthfully I love fish and always have; quick, shiny, bright-eyed denizens of a mysterious world alien to us.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

How important are these qualities for you in a relationship? Posted: 3/2/2008 9:50:29 PM
Everybody needs personal space, but not everybody wants or enjoys it. You can't grow as an individual unless you take a certain amount of time for personal reflection, introspection, maintenance, and relaxation. I like to take a healthy dose of "me" time, but I enjoy doing things with others as well. Balance, I believe, is the key. When I was young, I thought it was important for my partner and I to agree on most things, now I think the only thing that really matters is that we agree to care about each other. Unless she follows a train of thought that repulses me somehow (like torturing animals or something), I don't care what she chooses to believe. She could worship Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster or The Force for all I care. Republicrat, Democrican, Libertolitarian, it makes no difference to me as long as she is glad to see me smile and cares as much about my happiness as I care about hers. I would be more concerned if I found that she only agreed with me to keep the peace. I would rather set someone I love free than feel responsible for imprisoning their mind. People are meant to be free to think for themselves.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

To Bite or Not Too Bite?? Posted: 3/2/2008 9:28:21 PM
I make no promises not to bite.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

....It's Complicated. Posted: 2/29/2008 10:05:44 PM
Emotions don't always make sense, and sometime people just feel a certain way even though they can't explain it. That doesn't make those feelings any less valid. From your last post it sounds like you two discussed things more in-depth but he still feels that it is better to finish the relationship. Rational or not, that feeling isn't going to go away through logical discourse. If he doesn't feel that the two of you are right, then I'm afraid no amount of reason will change that.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Why buy the expensive toys after the break-up? Posted: 2/27/2008 5:01:56 PM
Posts 3 and 4 collectively nailed it.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 74 (view)

Jeans and a T-Shirt...: Cliche of Death! Posted: 2/27/2008 9:32:04 AM
The one that annoys me the most is "I like having fun." Really? Fun? I HATE fun. I'd much rather sit and watch grass grow than do anything fun...

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 67 (view)

Jeans and a T-Shirt...: Cliche of Death! Posted: 2/26/2008 9:03:14 PM
A good point that many, many women put on their profiles that they can go from jeans and T-shirts to a classy evening dress. Perhaps men are reading this so often on women's profiles that they decide most women are like this. Thus they add to their profiles that this is what they want in a woman, expecting all these women to jump up and shout, "Eureka! That's me!" I've read a few profiles which were works of literary art. One woman wrote a good 8 page humor spot, worthy of a stand-up comedy routine. I had to send her a message just to thank her for providing me with such valuable entertainment. But, the vast majority of women's profiles I see are just an assembly comprised of variations of the same basic themes; I like long walks I love the outdoors Sometimes I like to stay in and: read a book, watch TV, cuddle in front of fireplace, etc. No players No games I have a great sense of humor I'm looking for someone who makes my head swim when he walks in the room/looks at me/ I think of him I look great in jeans and T-shirt or in formal dress No cheaters I can be nice or ****y when I want ...and so forth.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

GUYS MOVING FORWARD TO QUICK. Posted: 2/26/2008 7:10:20 PM
I'm wondering if your friend gave him your number in order to get him to stop calling HER for a change. Do you know any single women you dislike that YOU could pawn him off on?

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Help Dating Single Dads with Kids Posted: 2/25/2008 2:38:58 PM
It sounds to me like some issue came up, real or imagined. Some good ideas already suggested are that he feels guilty for not spending as much "alone time" with his kids, it's possible that his ex has been getting involved and convinced him that he should focus on them right now, or maybe she has been putting them in the middle so he feels it is necessary to do damage control. It is also possible that one of his kids had a problem getting along with one of yours- perhaps a misunderstanding or a minor spat- and he is reluctant to bring them back together again. Frankly, I'd just ask him what is up and let him know what you would like. If he has questions, have answers. If you dodge the issue it will only grow.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

What exactly does hang out mean Posted: 2/24/2008 8:37:47 PM
Whenever I hear anyone talk about "hanging out" with friends, I certainly don't assume that they are gettin' it on. It means to meet, do whatever, you know, hang out. Like if I wanted to get out of the house, called up some friends, and we just went out around town with nothing particular in mind to do but to get out of the house. Say you like to go out and do nothing in particular from time to time but don't like going out alone all the time. To me you would be looking for someone to "hang out" with. I've never actually heard anyone refer to sex by saying something like, "Did you hear that so-and-so and such-and-such hung out the other night?" At least that's my take on it. I've never checked that box so I don't worry too much about what others think it might mean.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

Compatibility vs Instant Chemistry? Posted: 2/24/2008 7:38:29 PM
Putting more weight on cup size than intelligence ...infers that I said intelligence was less important, what I actually said was the education was less important. If A = C and B = C, then A = B. By logical inference you "suggested" that they are the same.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Compatibility vs Instant Chemistry? Posted: 2/24/2008 7:32:21 PM
I will happily agree to disagree. However, I don't want to be misrepresented. I never said that cup size was more important than intelligence, although to some people it might be. It's not my place to question them. Also, if you read what I wrote, I specifically said that education is not a good indicator of intelligence, not that I don't care about intelligence. Intelligence is vastly more important to me than education. And as for breast cancer; if I have developed a relationship with someone, I would stand by her even if her entire face fell off; but I'm not likely to try to strike up a relationship with someone who has no face.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Compatibility vs Instant Chemistry? Posted: 2/24/2008 6:59:05 PM
Education and career do have an impact on the life prospects and the likelihood of compatibility. Whether or not she has a D cup has no bearing on comatibility. I disagree. Looks, size, and ethnic background have a HUGE bearing on compatibility. If I were repulsed (for whatever logical or illogical reason) by a D cup chest, then this would be an issue no matter what her educational background is. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is not subject to debate. And education is irrelevant to compatibility as far as I am concerned. Education is neither a good indicator of intelligence nor of social status. What would you guess my level of education to be? I feel that judging someone based on their education is prejudicial and small-minded. Likewise, what bearing has career choice on compatibility? Unless one works for Greenpeace and the other is a whaler, it is unlikely to be a serious issue. What you are sharing is not in line with what many men say in profiles or the forums. Could it be that many of the men in the forums are full of it? A lot of people come on here just to troll the forums and be obnoxious, others are here to troll for sex. This select group could hardly be considered a representative sample of the masculine gender. Are your friends married or single? Plenty of both. Please don't feel that I'm picking on you, but I have my own preferences and I believe that I have a right to them. I don't give a fig about hair color or eye color, but I do know what I like and what I don't. I am not going to try to force myself to feel physical attraction to somebody I am not physically attracted to, when there are plenty of women out there that I do find attractive. Maybe that isn't fair to the ones who are less attractive to me, but that's life. There are plenty of "nice" guys out there who will be attracted to them, but they will probably dismiss most of those guys due to superficial reasons of their own. And the game goes on...

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

Is the best Approach No Approach? Posted: 2/24/2008 12:32:14 PM
Communication is more complicated than we ever give it credit. Contact usually starts with a glance, and nothing more. A second glance, eye contact and a smile, says something. This is not an indication that she wants to bear your children, but it means that she is possibly interested in meeting you, or at the very least she is probably friendly and wouldn't mind it if you said "Hi." Is it an imposition, if you are interested in someone, to introduce yourself? Of course not. To get in their face and start hitting on them with corny lines could be obnoxious. Unless the situation makes it inappropriate or their body language clearly indicates that it would be unwelcome, approaching them to say hello is not rude nor imposing nor disrespectful in the least. It doesn't make you pushy. It only suggests that you are cordial and outgoing. Any further conclusions she might reach are only in her head.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

How do you tactfully ask the intention of the date? Posted: 2/24/2008 12:00:57 PM
I wish someone would take an honest poll and put these preconceived stereotypes to rest. Not every guy on the planet wants sex on the first date. I for one refuse to be intimate with someone I have not developed a relationship with. It has been my experience that women are just as likely as men to be insatiable hornballs. As for how to know what a guy's intentions are? You can't. You can use good judgment, you can watch for signals, you can ask loaded questions, you can be painfully blunt right up front, but you can never know for sure. That's just the way life is.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Is my marital status misleading? Posted: 2/24/2008 11:43:23 AM
Even if you had a divorce, you would still NOT BE SINGLE Probably a separate discussion entirely. However, if you aren't married or otherwise in a relationship of any sort (including one where you are separated or estranged), then you are single. You can be divorced and single, but you can not married and single. Single does not in any way imply that you have always been single, only that you are, currently, single.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

i dont understand Posted: 2/24/2008 11:10:41 AM
The universe has a funny way of giving us what we need when we quit telling it what we think we need. I have observed in others that they often meet the right person for them just when they had concluded that they didn't need anyone to make them complete after all. This doesn't always happen, but I think there's a reason why it often does; it's because when you push too hard, you get resistance in return. I for one can sense desperation in a woman and it makes me feel very uneasy. I'm sure they are the same. Have you ever mixed corn starch with a little water? You get a substance which acts like a solid as long as you try to move it. Squeeze it, it hardens and resists. But when you relax your hand, it softens and turns into liquid. Life is like that sometimes. When you try to force life to go the way you think it should, life seems to work against you and resists your efforts. But if you just relax your grip a little, you'll find things will flow much easier.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Is my marital status misleading? Posted: 2/24/2008 10:54:40 AM
Hmmm, file a missing person report and have him declared dead? Then you could be a widow! Tough one there, but I think many would consider "single" misleading in this case.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Does breaking up after the first try ever work? Posted: 2/24/2008 10:44:33 AM
Every break up I've ever had was final. Why would you go to all that drama if you weren't sure? Why would you want to go back to all that drama if she (or he) wasn't sure? If they tell me it's over, then as far as I'm concerned it's over; I won't grovel or look back. If I tell them it's over, it's because I have good reasons, so believe me it's over. A trial separation is different, that would be phrased as "I need some room to think about whether it's over." Still be friends? Sure, I'm fine with that in some cases, unless she was a complete psycho or something.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Is my marital status misleading? Posted: 2/24/2008 10:33:21 AM
I would consider that "estranged", but obviously it is not an option to select from. Have you filed for divorce? If not, why not? I would be anxious to get on with my life.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

Compatibility vs Instant Chemistry? Posted: 2/24/2008 9:31:38 AM
I am talking about league in terms of education, career achievement, interests, NOT looks. This still sounds snobbish to me. I believe that judging compatibility based on education or career is every bit as superficial as judging based upon physical appearance. I don't care if the woman I meet has never been to college, and she could dig ditches for all I care so long as she is actively working to make the most out of life and knows how to be happy. And I must also agree that the word "most" is being tossed around pretty loosely in this thread. Pretty much all of my guy friends would agree that looks are nice, but they aren't everything. In fact, my profile even says that "Looks are nice, but you must be a well-rounded person". This is NOT an uncommon sentiment among men. That said, I am a very shallow person. I will know almost immediately whether or not I feel a physical attraction for someone, and if I don't, then I am not likely to develop one. There are billions of people on planet Earth, and I don't have time to get to know all of them. Like articles in a newspaper, I scan the headlines to decide which ones I want to read. Physical attraction is one method I use to determine whether or not there might interest. However, that is simply the headline of the article. If the content doesn't match, then I move on to the next one. And to suggest that all men (or even most men) are only interested in what we are told by the media that we should be interested in is also a gross overgeneralization. I find women who look like Pamela Anderson repulsive. Fat injected lips, silicone breasts, skanky demeanor; yuck, yuck, and super yuck. But I, like all people, do have my own preferences, and I am entitled to them.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

I want to talk about us Posted: 2/23/2008 6:47:19 PM
When someone feels that they need to start a conversation with "let's talk about us" there is a problem. Nobody wants to hear this. You should already be discussing things as they pop up, not waiting to strike up an uncomfortable conversation to navigate/negotiate your wants and needs. It should be ongoing and natural and fit into everyday conversations. When I do something that bugs you, let me know. When you want something, let me know. When you appreciate something I do, let me know. When you want to clarify something, let me know! Then there will be no need for "The Talk".

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

workaholics Posted: 2/23/2008 5:45:11 PM
Well, I'm pretty relaxed about work after getting burned out back when I used to believe that working hard was the answer to life. So it's hard for me personally to imagine wanting to spend so much time working for "the man". But I'm passionate about my art career, and I will put a lot of hours into it without even realizing it. When you are driven, you don't think about other things that you may want or need, like human interaction, or sleep, or proper nutrition, or much of anything else really. It sounds like he is trying to achieve a goal, and that is all he is focused on. If my professional goal was so important to me that I had no time to spend with my new sweetheart, I might have to reconsider my priorities and ask myself; Am I more committed to my job than my relationship? If the answer is yes, then I might have to let go of the relationship because it isn't fair to my partner to keep them playing second fiddle. If the answer is no, then I might have to reconsider how much time I am spending at my job. If he is working so much that you never see him, that can be a problem. I don't mean that he might not be worth waiting for, but you will have to decide eventually how much of this you are willing to tolerate. I would discuss it with him and let him know where you stand and how important this is. This is not the same as complaining, it's discussing your concerns and making your position clear. But to do that, you need to make your position clear to yourself first.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

some couples are odd, what do you think? Posted: 2/23/2008 5:33:46 PM
WhoisSue, thanks. We do our best to keep her grounded but because we are just "kids", she ignores all of our advice. For example, she recently lost over $30,000 in a high-risk investment scheme, this after all of us strongly urged her not to get involved. No matter, she just runs off to another crackpot idea. It's frustrating because we all want to help her but she won't listen. She'll ask our advice, but she just ignores it unless it is what she wants to hear.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

workaholics Posted: 2/23/2008 5:25:03 PM
I would worry less about what's going through his mind and more about what it is you want. Does he mean enough to you to deal with this? He sounds like a responsible, upstanding guy who strongly values his work ethic. This could be a problem if you'd prefer someone more relaxed about work, but if you're trying to make him choose between his work and you, I just have to ask, "Why?" This is the guy you met, love him or leave him. You might find that if you voice support for what he's doing instead of trying to make his work a competitor, he might be inspired to be more effective at taking care of both of you.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

how is a lady supposed to know Posted: 2/23/2008 5:19:41 PM
How are you supposed to know? What is this "womens intuition" I keep hearing about for if not this? Seriously, there are no guarantees, but experience will help you tell you right away who the jerks are; they're the ones you are most attracted to. I'm only half kidding.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

Jeans and a T-Shirt...: Cliche of Death! Posted: 2/23/2008 5:11:36 PM
I don't mind reading a cliche like this on a profile at all, unless the entire profile is composed of nothing BUT a collection of cliches. .... Next! But in all reality, I don't think most people read the profiles of members who's gender they aren't interested in, so they won't necessarily be aware that they are posting the same things as the rest of them. In the case of this particular phrase, I think people are wanting to express their versatility and impress that they want the same in a partner. They appreciate more than just Monster Truck rallies; they also like to go to haute couture events (like their kids' music recitals), and they want to make sure that their companion won't commit a fashion faux pas such as wearing a wife beater to a funeral.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

some couples are odd, what do you think? Posted: 2/23/2008 6:32:09 AM
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My parents were an example of an odd mismatch that worked. He; intellectual scientist/chemist/engineer, down to Earth and well-grounded. She; flaky fine arts and education major, impulsive, headstrong and living in a dream world. My mother lives in her own fantasy world that is not grounded in reality. Somehow my father kept her tethered to sanity, leaving her just enough leash to enjoy her make-believe reality without getting herself into too much trouble. After his death it became painfully obvious just how much she needed him. Now she is swept about like a piece of dandelion fluff on the breeze with no direction and no sense in her actions.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 165 (view)

At what age do we lower our standards on dating? Posted: 2/22/2008 2:58:57 PM
Why would you ever lower your standards on dating? I find that mine continually go up over time, not down; a reflection of both the fact that I am learning more and more about what it is I am looking for, and also what it is I have to offer.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

Analysis..what he wants? Posted: 2/22/2008 9:37:05 AM
I'm agreeing that this might make more sense in proper context... but if it doesn't, then I'd say that in his case there's probably a good reason why he is divorced.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 9 (view)

Is there a glimmer of hope or just wishful thinking on my part? Posted: 2/21/2008 4:07:01 PM
As long as he knows you will be there waiting for him to come around, then he'll have no motivation to come around. Move on as best you can, make yourself less needy and less available. If he never comes around, then you've already got it covered and you'll surely find someone else who makes you feel special. If he does come around, then you can decide how you feel about it then. Perhaps all he needs to realize what he wants is the threat of losing it. But I would not count on it, you need to live your life without the expectation that this will ever happen, because there is a higher-than-likely chance that it won't.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Am I a threat or something? Posted: 2/21/2008 3:55:31 PM
Hey, now, don't go assuming that a guy can't be down to Earth just because he rides a chopper. I think of dating as a game of matching cards. You may have to flip over a lot of wrong cards before you find the one that matches. That's just the way it works.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Can You Be Too Honest With A Guy? Posted: 2/21/2008 11:59:23 AM
Right! I once knew a woman (a friend's roommate) who would say the cruelest things imaginable to everyone she met, and then excuse herself by saying, "Hey, that's just how I feel. You wouldn't want me to lie would you?" Somehow she believed that was supposed to make it okay.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

What is the difference between a date and just eating with someone? Posted: 2/21/2008 11:28:52 AM
Well, you could say that she should have made her expectations more clear, but it is at least as true that he should have not had any expectations that she did not give him. Like I said above, asking someone out on a date (or accepting a date invitation) does NOT imply a relationship or even a romantic interest. It is often the case that these things may develop or be present, but it should never be assumed. Again, it comes down to semantics. The word "date" was once commonly used for all sorts of activities. It is still used quite loosely depending on where you live. Here are definitions from dictionary.com. I've skipped definitions 1 - 5 and also 9 because they apply more to calender dates and birthdays, etc. 6. an appointment for a particular time: They have a date with their accountant at ten o'clock. 7. a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night. 8. a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement: Can I bring a date to the party? Note that none of these definitions specifically implies a romantic date.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

What is the difference between a date and just eating with someone? Posted: 2/21/2008 10:58:24 AM
Sounds like you are arguing over semantics. I rarely say, "Would you like to go out on a date?" I am much more likely to ask a lady if she'd like to get a bite to eat, go to a concert, meet for a walk at a park or just get together sometime. It's a date anytime two people meet together for an activity of any sort. Doesn't mean it's a romantic relationship. Ever heard of a "play date?" Also, just because you went on a date, that does not automatically mean that you are "dating each other". Asking someone if they'd like to go get some lunch should not carry any expectations for a relationship. However, if he wants to call it a date, what's the problem? Just tell him you're not interested in him like that, unless you are, and let it be. Edited to add, I won't say "I'd like to date you, would you like to get together sometime?" because I can't possibly know whether or not I'd like to date them until after I've had a date or two with them. "Dating" someone is not the same as going out on a date with them. Dating implies a continued behavior.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Compatibility vs Instant Chemistry? Posted: 2/21/2008 10:26:43 AM
I prefer the term attraction to "instant chemistry," but in any case: Compatibility with no attraction = friend. Attraction with no compatibility = trouble. For me both must be present if it is to go anywhere. I am always happy to have more friends, so long as there is no other pretense or expectations on either side. But I've had plenty trouble in life already, and while I might flirt with it from time to time, I won't knowingly step in it.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Drinking.. Fire.. and DONT TELL MOM! Posted: 2/4/2008 3:32:12 PM
OP, I hope you're still following this thread because the advice in the post above (by Yoodle) is exactly what you need to hear. This poor kid is being ripped in half. He very much wants to please his dad, very much wants to please you, and will tell either one of you whatever he thinks will make you love him. I'm not suggesting that you do not love him, I'm just saying that it's a very sticky situation and it's nearly impossible NOT to do something wrong here, since there are so many ways to go wrong. My advice is to pick up a book called "Divorce Casualties" by Douglas Darnall. It's the first book I read following my own divorce and it has been tremendously helpful in allowing me to work with my (then hostile) ex, to the point where now we actually both work together very well for the kids' sakes. The book alone won't work miracles, but it will empower you to know what you need to do. The main point I would hope you take from the book is the concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). This is a very common, exceedingly destructive situation in which one parent (or usually both) competes for the love of the child, coercing the child to align his/herself against the other parent. This is often done very subtly, sometimes overtly, and often without the guilty parent even being fully aware that they are doing it. In this case it is blatantly obvious that your ex is guilty of PAS by punishing the child for his loyalty to you, as well as by telling him not to tell you certain things. From what you've written I would be concerned about much of what is going on there as well, but I'd just caution you to pick your battles carefully and try to keep your son out of the middle. What might not be obvious is that your concern about keeping tabs on what happens at the ex's house effectively turns your son into a "snitch" to win your approval, with or without any intent on your part for this to happen. This is why you need to be aware of the possibility, because if PAS does get brought up, then the judge will look at both sides to make sure you are not both guilty of this. This is also a good reason to get your son into counseling, so that he can tell someone other than you these issues, thus absolving you of the problem of aligning your son with you against his father. PAS is the biggest problem here, more serious than the dirt bikes, drinking, or even the fires. Judges and child advocates do not take PAS lightly because it is so destructive to a child's emotional well-being and development. With what you've laid out here, I would suggest that you are being remiss if you do not take some sort of action. If PAS is determined to be present (and I believe it would be) then the courts will make orders to see that it stops. Your ex's every action will fall under heavy scrutiny. You might be surprised how seriously they take this. You expressed concern when you said, " I have him on tape saying that, but it also shows him 'apologizing'....... I don't know if the tape will help or hinder my case." The answer is that it will help your case, especially when put into context with the "punishing" of your son for his display of loyalty to you.

Nexus 6

Joined: 10/18/2007

Msg: 198 (view)

Have you seen your EX recently? Posted: 1/28/2008 7:46:01 PM
Hockeygal07, that sounds a lot like my situation. I see my ex usually two or three times a week when dropping off/picking up the kids, we sometimes do things together with the kids and go to birthday parties, school outings, etc so we see each other quite a bit. I consider our relationship "business friends" in that we must work together so we may as well be on good terms. Lately she's become more friendly, reaching out and confiding things to me. This is making me wonder whether perhaps she is regretting the split, now that she's found that the grass isn't really any greener on the other side. But I am so much better off following the divorce that there's no way I would even consider getting back together. At the same time, there's no point being bitter about the past either. I've come to grips with what has happened. The only reason for me to look back is to see what lessons I can learn from the past and apply them to my future.

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