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 Author Thread: Hey good looking, and others, what ya got cooking?
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Hey good looking, and others, what ya got cooking?
Posted: 9/4/2014 2:49:54 AM
A good ol' chilli con carne. Didn't have much time tonight so that was a nice quick meal PLUS plenty to freeze for next time :)
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 6/6/2014 1:48:25 AM
^^^^ perhaps the fact that my partner works overseas about 20 weeks in the year, usually in 2 week blocks, keeps things... fresh lol
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 6/5/2014 2:35:34 AM
Honky Tonk woman... Happy you weren't talking about me :D Maleman- as I have tried to indicate it is not that I actively don't want to marry him, it was just a surprise. I had said to him on perhaps 2 occasions in our time together that I did not see marriage in my future. But he wants to. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and for him, marriage is important because it is us telling the world we plan to stay together. As I too plan on spending the rest of our life together, we will get married.

To the poster who said he thought keeping a relationship as a dating relationship kind of kept the spark going- I get that. I really do. But. After 4 great years when in all honesty I still feel like a teenager around him, marriage is unlikely to dampen the fun element. At l3ast, I hope so.

Thanks for all the input everyone!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 6/1/2014 3:10:55 PM
^^^ I hope you don't mean me :( I DO like him. A lot!! And for the poster above who mentioned being anti-marriage, I am not that either. I was just genuinely surprised that it really seems to matter for him when I had assumed he felt the same way as me and that the act of getting married was unnecessary. Not bad, just unnecessary. And yes, making assumptions will often come back to bite you. The purpose of the post was mostly to gauge how other people around my age felt about marriage the second or third time around.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Love Thailand :) Baumrungrad
Posted: 5/31/2014 1:00:55 AM
I am off to Thailand next weekend :) We have not really spent much time together there as a couple although my SO does a fair bit of work there. Usually we are in transit through BKK and only spend a couple of nights there. This time we are there for 12 days. We will have some time in the city, then down to Koh Samui for sun, sea, sand and snorkelling then a couple of days in Rayong (I think) where my SO has a job, which means accommodation is paid for :D It isba pain about the coup but I have a friend there who says she feels quite safe. Plus my SO's contacts have said there is no issue.

I love South East Asia and cannot wait for some great Thai food. I eat from street stalls when I can see the food being cooked- if it is boiled in oil no naughty little bacteria will survive! I do drink bottled/boiled water though and clean my teeth in it too. My partner will not eat very watery fruits either because they are irrigated with water from who knows where. He won't often eat salad for the same reason. But he is uber-cautious because he spends perhaps 20 weeks a year in China, Thailand, Vietnam, Taiwan etc and has had a few serious issues with water bourse nasties.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 5/30/2014 2:24:49 AM
^^^^ It was ME who questioned the need for marriage, not my guy. We are most definitely committed- he says (and I believe him) he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My original post was made because I was surprised that HE wanted to get married.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 5/25/2014 3:35:56 PM
Lots of great points. 20 heads are better than one perhaps! Just to clear up the child issue, I am definitely not yearning to have another baby. I actually had a nightmare a couple of years ago that I was pregnant and I woke up so relieved that I was not. I work with children and families who are at breaking point and I honestly do not feel the need to add to the population.

The big 60 has come and gone, we did the whole party thing which was fun. I brought up the subject of marriage again after the dust had settled and he still feels the same way. For him it is simple- when you love someone you marry them. He wants to go to Europe next year and get married in Paris as it is, in his own words, a romantic place. My original position was that marriage is unnecessary although I do still feel it is a good ides if you have, or plan to have, children together. I am a bit surprised that I still believe that in some ways as I am no traditionalist! Maybe that is why I had not thought in terms of marriage before- I am a pragmatist and marriage is not something I need to do to feel comfortable in a good relationship. Having said all of that, I will be getting hitched next year. I love the guy, he loves me, and he wants us married and because he wants it, I do too. That may not make logical sense but it feels like the right thing to do. I asked about a pre nup and he was slightly bemused, but it happy to have one if I think it is a good idea. So while his will is clear in that all his property goes to his sons, there will be a pre nup to ensure my side of things do not go to his family but to my daughter and vice versa.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Pet Suggestions
Posted: 4/26/2014 9:11:48 PM
I bought my daughter a pet rat at age 11. Unfortunately she was allergic to it so she (the rat) became my pet. She was a lovely pet, very friendly, I used to get her out of an evening and let her run over the lounge as I watched TV or read. I cleaned her cage once a week and she really did not smell. I know some folk are freaked out by rats (hey, come near me with a pet spider and I will probably faint!) but if not, a rat is a good choice. I taught her to wear a ferret harness so I didn't lose her around the house!

I know rabbits can be fully house trained too so they can spend a fair amount of time outside the hutch and interacting with your son should you go down that route.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 1:51:43 AM
I honestly don't think he is considering me as a nursemaid.... both of us still have two living parents and his grandad lived to 94 in good health. Plus he knows I make a truly terrible nurse! I am named as the person who can make medical decisions for him should he be no longer able to do so. Forget what it is called.

In all honesty, if he really feels he would like to marry outside of any other considerations, I feel it would be churlish to say no. As I have said, I have no real objection to marriage along with no real need for it. I love him regardless of the binding nature of a legal document. I will ask him about a prenup and his reaction to being 60 AFTER the birthday which is early May!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 2:15:13 PM
Hmmm yes I have not considered a prenup. His will is up to date so is a prenup still a good idea? I have no real idea about them..... WE both have children from previous relationships so we do have to be careful. He has a lot more in the way of assets than I do and should my SO predecease me I want things very clear to both sides of the family!

I do love the mountain analogy. I know he is apprehensive about this milestone. I am such a pragmatist and rarely do things which I feel are unremarkable such as chronological age upset me, whereas he is more... susceptible to the collywobbles. I think I might leave the heart to heart until after the birthday so he can look at things from the other side of the mountain! And to whoever asked if we were living together- yes, we have been co-habiting for 2.5 years and seem to mesh well in day to day living.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:33:15 AM
Hey tickle_me... you know what? Unknowingly you sort of swayed me to the PRO marriage stance haha! Doing it (marriage) because it feels good and we love each other and we want to (though I grant WE want to is contentious at the moment lol) seems like a good set of reasons.... The jury is definitely still out though. I have talked to a few mates about this and have had such varied responses, from 'oh yeah get married it makes things much more simple legally' to 'for Gawds sake WTF are you thinking!'

It's a bit of a first world problem I know. I definitely want to know his motivation. We are comfortable enough to ask these kinds of questions so... that is what I will do when he gets home from the latest work trip this weekend.

I love the forums. I get so much common sense help XX
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:22:15 AM
Yes I hadn't considered the whole turning 60 thing as a motivating factor, mostly because I didn't find turning 50 last year a big deal. I was surprised by his thoughts because I have always made it clear that I am not pursuing marriage as an end goal. I have said to him, I tried it once and am not so keen to do it a second time. I fear making it 'legal' will detract from what we currently have which is voluntary, if that makes sense. Dunno. I guess I will wait and see how his thoughts develop. I will for sure ask about why this is important to him. I do want to be sure its not just some romanticised ideal of happy-ever-after.

Thanks for the input.

Edited to add.... I like the idea of a ceremony which is not legally binding. I might bring that up too.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 3:49:16 AM
I am 50. My partner is about to turn 60. I have been married once and felt no desire to do it again. My lovely SO and I are heading towards the 4 year mark next month, and a few weeks ago he really surprised me by saying he thinks we should get married at some point. He thinks we should just go on holiday sometime in the next couple of years and just get married on the quiet. My initial reaction was... why? I couldn't see the need to get married. But, it seems it means something to him (maybe a vestige of a Catholic upbringing). While I have no innate desire to marry, if it means something to him, should I do it anyway? I am not opposed to the idea per se. What would you do?
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Does anyone feel this way anymore?
Posted: 3/28/2014 12:45:59 AM
Well I personally don't feel that way at all. I would be bored rigid if I did not have the outside stimulus of work. Having said that, on topic well, no, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting to be a SAHM. I would think the problem might be.... what do you do AFTER the children have flown the coop? When your SO is still working and you are left doing... well I dunno what! Too late to start a career then, probably. Plus as has already been mentioned, raising a family is an expensive business and for one pair of hands to make enough money to support 2, 3 or 4 others is a huge ask.

Continue with the good work you are doing now and maybe you will see that you are a great role model for your daughter and help her to see women really can do it for themselves.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Women with high libidos
Posted: 3/5/2014 11:30:04 PM
I'd say mine has remained constant and consistent over the 4 years we have been together. I think we would both be classified as having a high sex drive and somewhat experimental, but naturally there are many many facets to the relationship. I believe that if you turn out to be compatible in other areas (for me these include moral and ethical standpoints, similar living habits, political beliefs, shared interests etc) then the sexual compatibility and drive remains the same pretty much. That seems to be my experience anyway.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Thoughts on eliminating dairy,weight loss and effects on health?
Posted: 2/8/2014 7:14:26 PM
Me and my SO have eliminated grains/soy and dairy from our diet. 95% of the time we follow a Paleo diet which has made us both feel a great deal better. No more bloat..... As we both needed to shed some excess weight (neither of us were obese but definitely a few too many kg's) we also incorporate the 5:2 concept. We eat sensibly for 5 of 7 days then on 2 non-consecutive days we limit calories to around 500 (me) and 600 (him). This is part of keeping one's metabolism on the hop. If you think about it too, back in Palaeolithic days there WOULD be occasions where food was scarce. Neither of us seems to find this onerous and it feels sustainable to me too. It is also triggering weight loss. I exercise regularly too (he doesn't, lazy arse) and I can honestly say at 50 I feel pretty good. We ensure we get our calcium requirements through other foods such as fish and greens. I do still have the odd slice of bread (maybe once a month) and if do a baked dinner I WILL have a roast potato dammit! I also sometimes have a coffee with milk. This does not seem to have any noticeable effect on me. Dairy is not a necessary part of anyone's diet, it's just readily available and our parents told us it was good for us!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
gluten free recipes or foods
Posted: 1/25/2014 2:57:34 PM
My partner and I are following a largely Paleo diet which is of course gluten free. I make a batch of these sesame crackers every 10 days or so and they are a great snack or base for spreads etc. I found them on a site called Elana's Pantry, and she has several gluten free and Paleo recipes.

Sesame crackers
3 cups almond meal
1 cup sesame seeds
2 eggs, whisked until frothy
1 tablespoon olive oil
a generous amount of sea salt

Mix all of this together. Roll the dough out between 2 sheets of baking paper in batches, to about 3ml thick. Bake in a fairly hot oven for about 10 minutes until golden. This makes about 60 crackers.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Dating and the full time single parent
Posted: 12/11/2013 12:50:42 PM
Horses for courses. I was a full time single mum from when my daughter was aged 6. My marriage had been an emotionally abusive one and I needed to find my feet. I focused on getting a degree and then a masters and raising my daughter. When she turned 16, she got herself a boyfriend, and for some reason that flipped a switch in my head and so... I joined PoF hehe. That's how it worked for me anyway.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Don't get on at all with my step dad.. please help
Posted: 12/8/2013 1:29:29 PM
I would re-post in the relationships forum as there a number of relationships being affected in this scenario.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 135 (view)
 
Approaching 50 and it's scaring the Crud outa me
Posted: 12/5/2013 12:51:12 AM
I turned 50 a couple of weeks ago. I feel fine! I just started in a new career doing something I am passionate about- child protection- and am about to embark on 8 months of training. My partner turns 60 next May and I swear he takes life on like a 30 year old. I do not fear ageing, but I do fear infirmity. Because of this I tend to try and enjoy life rather than mourning the loss of youth.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Smart phone messages
Posted: 12/5/2013 12:40:35 AM
Got a text from my daughter a while ago. It said 'I tried #uck tonight and I liked it' She meant duck......
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
I need to change my life
Posted: 11/14/2013 11:50:04 PM
Maybe this is a general malaise. I wonder if your dissatisfaction with your kind but boring relationships stems from your boredom with life in general? What I mean is, if you focus some more on YOU and take the advice of the other posters to extend on your interests, perhaps you will feel more well disposed to look at your current partner in a favourable light? I am in no way saying anyone should stay in a relationship which has fizzled but the theme of resentment brought up by other posters may be very true. You could be resenting the predictability of life and projecting this on to your relationship.

I am glad your children have coped with the death of their father, and I am sure it is due to the young adults you have raised so well.

Good luck carolann... life is a banquet and I hope you rediscover your appetite!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Breadfruit
Posted: 10/25/2013 11:28:10 PM
Bread fruit is just another starchy fruit/veg that provide simple carbs. You could think Taro, Potato, that kind of thing. It would probably take on other flavours well and I imagine it would be ok in curries for example.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Crossing the line
Posted: 10/23/2013 4:11:52 AM
just plant seeds. Mention, in an offhand way, you seem a little down. Do not wait for a reply. Another time, mention how buying a house with someone after only 5 months seems a big deal. Do not wait for a reply. Bring up other concerns in a similar way. But do have normal conversations too. Plant seeds in his mind which may grow into genuine concerns for him. He is lucky you actually care. Many adults, especially guys, seem to hate anyone questioning their decision making abilities. So making it seem like he is originating these ideas might work.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 45 (view)
 
You know you're a parent when..........
Posted: 9/16/2013 1:02:19 AM
When your adult child says 'If I have kids I want you to help me raise them because I like the way I turned out!'
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
advice...
Posted: 8/24/2013 4:09:11 PM
Just watched a report on TV about folk who are 'night owls' and cannot fall asleep until midnight or later. Taking melatonin, which as others have pointed out is a naturally occurring substance in the body, helped them to switch off at a more acceptable time and therefore wake up earlier feeling refreshed. I do understand you not wanting to medicate your child but a full night's sleep and no nap (school must be on the horizon soon and naps can't happen there) will be beneficial to him, and to you too as you must be exhausted! Good luck!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 79 (view)
 
Life is less and less worthwhile
Posted: 8/19/2013 3:14:21 PM
Well my mum and dad 1re 80 and 83 respectively and they have not let age nor ailment slow them down at all. This year my dad made a solo trip back to the UK and drove the length of the land to visit relatives while mum flew/caught trains/caught buses to visit friends and family here in Aus. They are planning a trip to Vietnam later this year because they liked the photos I brought back from my visit last year. They may not always be in tip top form (mum has hearing aids, insomnia and high BP, dad has trouble walking any distance) but it simply does not stop them. They get a whole lot out of life, even if they need to scale back somewhat because they are not as energetic as they once were. I hit the 50 mark in a couple of months and while I have a bad back from too many years in the early childhood profession, this will not hinder our plans to explore the planet. I LIKE being where I am now- child grown and gone and a bit of time to focus on me.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Disagreement with my wife.
Posted: 7/24/2013 2:58:22 PM
Could you perhaps just fly to wherever her first flight lands (Narita, Osaka, wherever) and accompany her for the second flight only? Her family can see her off and then you can meet her. And yes, Narita is a barn of an airport and immigration is confusing and never ending.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Threats from partner's child
Posted: 7/24/2013 2:36:41 AM
OK, happy to report that things have calmed down for now. We enquired if we would be allowed a dog here in our rented house. The answer was no. So my SO went round to visit his son and actually negotiated really well. He said- lets work together to find a solution because not only can we not have YOUR dog, the elderly dog we took in is now persona non grata. So the consensus is that we all work on finding some kind of mid term solution to this such as a 6 month dog sitting gig. The son is willing to look at moving house again in order to have his dog stay with him.

I hope this will work out. Thanks all for the contributions!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Threats from partner's child
Posted: 7/21/2013 3:13:38 AM
yep I do hate feeling vulnerable. I am usually the strong type lol. Showed him the replies so far and he thought mediation was a great idea. Getting his son to attend is another story. Maybe it could be insisted upon by the police? I will pop in tomorrow after work and look at options. His kids are definitely a challenge. I would feel better having this on record for sure.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Threats from partner's child
Posted: 7/21/2013 1:06:10 AM
Yes that is why I have hesitated pedro. I know he would be mighty unhappy with me if I went this route. Unfortunately #1 son will NOT listen to or negotiate with his dad.

Long story is... Family break up 3 years ago. 2 dogs stay at the family home with the 3 boys and mum. One dog belongs to dad, one to #1 son. A year ago, son gets a third dog against the urgings of dad as the 2 dogs are already neglected. Fast forward to 3 months ago. Mum runs off to Qld with 3 days notice along with her new b/f and the 12 year old son. So #1 son has nowhere to live or keep dogs. We take my SO's dog despite being in a rental where we are not supposed to keep pets. Son keeps 1 dog and moves out, other dog goes to a family friend. Now my SO buys out the ex wife and we decide to rent out the house for s couple of years to offset the new mortgage. We do not want to move in as the 2 oldest sons would take this as a great opportunity to move back in and bludge. #1 son has just moved to a new place where he thought he could have his dog but now he can't. So the dog is being left at the house we want to rent out. OK so far? He knows we are trying to rent the house but has not tried to either find somewhere where the dog is welcome or a new family for the dog. He wants us to take his dog. We can't. I made the mistake of saying the dog needs to go to the pound and hopefully find a new family. Now he is threatening to beat his dad up, torch our house, smash his dad's car up and then take OUR dog to the pound. nice huh :)

So what would you do....
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Threats from partner's child
Posted: 7/21/2013 12:47:13 AM
Thanks anita_lay ;) My instinct is to go and have a chat with the police and I have mentioned this to my SO. The only reason I am slightly reluctant is that rocking the boat even more may escalate the problem. And the physical threats are against my guy not me. But the problem is likely to come to a head in the next couple of weeks and cannot be avoided, hence my concern.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Threats from partner's child
Posted: 7/21/2013 12:33:35 AM
My partner's oldest child (24) is making threats against his dad and our home due to a dispute about... a dog. Yeah, I know. Its a long story but as the son does have a history of violence including weekend detention some years ago, should I go to the police? Is there really anything they can do apart from suggest an AVO or similar? Has anyone been in a similar situation, not just with family. I am alone for 2 weeks out of every 5 as my partner works overseas a lot.

If I need to clarify exactly what the problem is I will, but I didn't want to write a massively long post.

Thanks :)
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
My Mum threw out two of my old shower gels HELP
Posted: 7/12/2013 6:08:08 AM
.....unable to respond due to pissing myself..... whuuuuut??? shower gel??? really??? LMFAO
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Penquins
Posted: 7/10/2013 10:33:47 PM
Actually... they don't! Mate for life, that is. Just heard on the radio a few days ago that while a very few may stay with the same partner, most do not. Maybe it is because they DO all look alike that we assumed they had not swapped partners!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
pizza cheat
Posted: 7/8/2013 3:53:38 AM
OK
I was bored and randomly surfing the internet. Lo and behold I find a pizza base recipe. I am naturally sceptical but on a Friday night alone, I made it. OMG it was so good! Here is the complex and highly difficult recipe.

1 cup self raising flour
1/2 cup natural yoghurt

Here is the hard part. Mix.

I then used floured hands to squish the dough into a rustic shape. Then I treated it as any other pizza dough and it was sublime. I am in love :D
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 58 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/8/2013 3:08:23 AM
So... on Sunday I bit the bullet and called my guy's ex. I asked her if he was still hell bent on moving here and she said... no. It seems most of this stemmed from her suddenly deciding (or being told by her b/f she said) that she was not strict enough. So as she began to enforce rules such as eating what she provided, sticking to bed times, being respectful (he lost his computer and phone for nearly a week of school holidays for being rude and refusing to follow rules) and he rebelled. Not surprising really as he had not encountered responsibility much before. I explained I was not dismissing the concept in any way but was wondering how things would pan out given dad's overseas work and my work schedule. She said she had already discussed that with the boy and it seemed to have hit home.

So it seems he will stay with his mum. I will wait and see how his weekend visit goes. Once again, I really appreciate every comment made.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 36 (view)
 
On Panhandlers
Posted: 7/7/2013 5:23:20 AM
JustDuccky.... wow!!! That was amazing. And Trailsman... too true. In Australia there are not too many homeless. I tend to give cash to those who ask quietly with signs. Personally... I never question why they want cash or presume to tell them how to spend the small amounts they would get from begging. Anyone who is so poor they have to ask strangers for money? Spend on what you want.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 54 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/6/2013 3:23:01 AM
I texted his mother a few minutes ago asking if I could please call her tomorrow. She is fine with that. My first question will be... how she feels about her son living here with me. What will she feel when he inevitably contacts her because he does not like our rules? And I hope my posts have indicated that I DO care about what happens to the kiddo... If I did not there would be no problems as he would not be welcome here period.

I just want to clear up that the reason my guy was surprised that I would consider his son living here is only because we have had quite a few problems when he used to come for weekends when he lived locally. I do not doubt that his parents both love him either. I do know my SO is not so good at showing/telling this. It is an issue in our own relationship and is reflected in his relationship with his son.

When he comes down I intend to let him know the upsides of living here as well as the 'rules'. He DOES get to have input. His opinions WILL be considered. He IS important. But so is the smooth running of the house.

Tricky!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 49 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/5/2013 6:53:26 PM
I finally managed to have a proper chat with my SO last night as he had a night off from flying to the next job. He is in no way insisting that his son comes to live with us, and is somewhat surprised that I would even consider it. I made lots of points that posters here have raised, and explained what his son had said on the dreaded facebook (that he wanted to come back to NSW so he could 'Do what I want').

The mum is not trying to palm him off on me either, so far it is all coming from the boy. I do realise he has had a lot of upheaval recently and he is dealing with a new family situation, a new house, new school AND puberty starting to kick in. This is why I have not dismissed the idea out of hand. And to the poster above me, yes I think he would miss mum too. My guy has always worked long hours even when the family was intact, and the son has had his mum to himself for 3.5 years too.

I have a week to stew on this before my guy comes home. Then a week before his son comes down for a long weekend. In this time who knows... the boy may change his mind anyway!

Thanks for all the perspectives- life is never easy huh!

Oh and hello ms Anita Lay ;P
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/5/2013 12:54:19 AM
In all honesty, child support is not the issue. My guy does not seem to mind paying it and it is an amount agreed to by him and his ex. I certainly agree that it is odd mum would even consider giving up custody, and so is my SO. He really thought she was the type who would never do so at it would be like admitting defeat and she likes to think she is tough. I do think though that perhaps her new relationship (and she and her guy have only known each other 6 months and moved away together after 3) is under strain with the boy's antics and maybe this is influencing her decision to consider the idea.

The reality of me and the lad living together does seem preposterous in many ways. He is very dependent, he does not even manage to get his own breakfast in the mornings. I do agree with the poster who said I cannot expect him to abide by the same rules in the same way as my kid did as he is a different person. This is very true. However there will obviously BE rules and his dad and I need to sit down and agree on them together. I know he will back me when he is at home- he has in the past asked me how to deal with his son in specific situations and has implemented advice I have given. That makes me sound like I think I know everything about child rearing and of course I don't, but it does illustrate that he realises things need to be done differently.

At the moment, the plan is to sit down with my guy when he gets home next weekend and think about rules, expectations and whether or not he and I can survive butting heads occasionally over his son. Then the following weekend the boy is coming to visit anyway, so we can see what HIS expectations are. Then we can decide whether or not to go ahead and let him move in. I will insist on a trial period between then and Christmas. I want to be sure the boy realises it will be our decision, not his, if he stays or not dependent on his willingness to work with rather than against us. The only bad thing in this scenario is making him change schools possibly twice.

Thanks to everyone for their good wishes- I want to be sure that I do give the child every chance but also protect myself.
Thanks again xx
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/4/2013 3:06:35 PM
Thank you everyone... lots to think about! I emailed my SO last night suggesting that if the boy does come to stay that it be on a trial basis until Christmas. I also said I wanted a Skype call with his mum and both of us once my SO gets home. I have another 9 days to stew over this until he gets home, then a week until his son comes down for a weekend visit. This will be the first time either of us has seen him since April when he moved away.

I did say that the decision about whether or not he stays is for me and his dad to make, not the child OR his mum.

Hmmm. Off to work now. I just cannot see how this will work when I am on my own and out of the house 9 hours a day and often have after hours meetings and training!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/4/2013 5:32:58 AM
well duh daynadaze! Never thought I would get pissy with one of your comments! I was asking for help in settling a troubled pre teen, all the time knowing his kids are bloody hard to deal with. I have always said my guy is JUST as responsible as his ex wife for how his kids are. I am NOT after an easy life and how dare you assume I am. I want to know how others have dealt with tricky pre teens, and if counselling helped. And as I have said before in these forums... my guy is not a good father! Please address the actual question.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/4/2013 5:14:54 AM
privat33r you could well be right. I just need to get over it and deal, like pre internet people did. Annywn.. not sure the parents are dumping on me. Mum and her guy are working full time as am I. My guy HAS to work overseas. Always has. Life is complex, I am just looking for advice on how to deal with an almost teen who has a huge sense of entitlement
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/4/2013 4:16:31 AM
Mowtown... he simply decided one time just before he moved away that I was not to speak to him. He has not spent a night here since then. Just to be absolutely clear, when he visits in 2 weeks he will be disabused of this idea 100%.

3ffervescent... I keep on taking deep breaths and reminding myself of exactly that- do NOT fark up this chance to make a difference. I will always defer to his parents in decisions but because I will spend so much time alone with him if this goes ahead, I have to be sure of what I am doing. My SO told me this would never happen as mum is so protective of her sons so it is just hitting me fast.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/4/2013 3:37:47 AM
Shelby... I truly do realise that I cannot 'expect' the 12 year old to follow rules. I AM willing to try as I know most kids are actually good underneath and I hate the thought of him going the route of his 2 older brothers. I may seem like a pushover but I am so not! Ask my own kid lol

mr goat. My posting history reflects that the only problem in my love life is his kids. This is both positive and negative I suppose. I have stood up to the older kids and earned their grudging respect. I am not and do not want to be mates with them. His kids do not call the shots with me or with us because I have asked for and taken advice about how to cope, and I have implemented useful advice. I am honestly glad I do not live alone as I love my guy. But I am interested that you think counselling might work? I know my SO would go for it, do you have experience in this? And the visit is just after my guy gets home, which was planned. I certainly agree that me being alone with the kiddo when dad is away is a massive issue which needs to be addressed with him, his dad and his mum. I work full time too, and have to stay back regularly for meetings and training. How this will be coped with I do not know.

Again... personal experiences would be appreciated

Pitufina... thanks :) I am an early childhood teacher and I do know that real discipline (aka teaching) is so good for children. I believe that rules which have a strong basis is common sense are good for kids and my work certainly backs this up. I suppose that having seen my own kid grow up and leave home I am feeling a bit grumpy that I may need to do it again!
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
step child moving in (maybe!)
Posted: 7/4/2013 2:24:54 AM
OK I have been with my SO just over 3 years. We think we are okay and long term. He has a 12.5 year old son. His ex found a guy in Jan this year and after 3 months moved herself, the guy and the 12.5 year old 800 ks away. I am NOT commenting on that, honestly! Now... the boy is hating the new b.f and the move AND the rules and wants to come and live here. He thinks (and I know this to be true from FB comments) that there will be no rules here and I can be forbidden from speaking to him. Now, his dad goes away for work overseas 2 weeks out of every 5 during the year so it would be just us for significant periods of time. I have been thinking about it all day since this blew up yesterday (and my SO/his dad is away now too) and I cannot in all conscience say he is not welcome here BUT what do I do! I am thinking... when he comes for a visit in 2 weeks I set out what my expectations would be (can I reiterate here he is a difficult preteen and very spoilt) as well as explaining the benefits here? Should I look into family counselling so we can come to a consensus?

Helllp!!

ETA I am sounding judgemental... the boy's attitude is not important but I do want input from others who have lived this! Please lol.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
A QUESTION ABOUT LIVING TOGETHER
Posted: 7/2/2013 1:51:19 AM
I make pretty much half what my SO makes but I still insist we split living costs equally. My view is that I supported myself before we met and moved in together and as 2 tend to live more cheaply that 1, I can certainly afford to go 50/50. I should add I earn pretty much exactly the average weekly wage here in Aus so I am not really struggling. The only thing he contributes to more than me is holidays, as he flies so much he earns mega-frequent flyer points and he uses them when we go away.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Marrying during the Retirement Years
Posted: 7/2/2013 1:35:03 AM
It IS something that should be discussed and I freely admit I have not done so with my partner as yet. He is almost 60 but does not see himself retiring much before 70 anyway. I am almost 50 (what????? When did that happen lol) and I KNOW I need to work another 15 years minimum. He is much more stable financially that I am ( more super, owns a house etc) and I do need to sort things out. He recently wrote a will, leaving the house, some shares and his superannuation to his children, with me inheriting a Vespa, his car and any residuals in his accounts. We will NOT be marrying (why repeat a mistake!!) but as we have already lived together 2 years we are counted as a de facto couple. I think these things need to be addressed by both the couple and in front of a lawyer.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Should we be able to talk proper English even if we also use Cultural Slang in our free time?
Posted: 6/29/2013 3:26:10 AM
If it is true that schools are never to teach critical thinking then they are failing to build upon a core principle of pre school education. That is part of the curriculum for Australian pre schools and something I take VERY seriously in my job. I challenge my little ones thoughts every day and delight in the way they can pick up on what is fair and unfair, and challenge stereotypes.

On topic... yes I love the proper use of English and feel depressed that this seems to be considered unimportant. I have read about teens using text speak in assignments and getting away with it. Maybe I am now an old fart. But my 21 year old must be one too as she seems to feel the same way.
 
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