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mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Learn to let go enough times and no more broken hearts Posted: 8/18/2009 8:12:41 PM
I believe the reason we get the "broken heart" is because we care too much. When we want someone so much that we can't let them go - we end up mourning that person like someone died. Many obsess, some dump past relationship "stuff" (baggage) onto future potential relationships. Now, the reason I bring all this up is because I've wanted and lost enough times to almost be numb and callous to it. If I never invest - I never feel that loss. If I never get that interested or involved, I never have to go through that kind of painful loss - mourning - obsession "stuff" ever again. So what I'm trying to say is that eventually it just gets easier, eventually you grow an un-breakable heart. Now there's a part of me that sometimes wonders - gee - have I just grown into a cold and callous person - OR - is this the truly mature way to approach love? I prefer to take the positive viewpoint that this is indeed the mature approach - screw all that bleeding heart crap Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Does anyone actually read a persons personal profile? Posted: 8/2/2009 3:44:32 PM
I can guarantee you that 90% of the people who have contacted me have NOT read my profile and that 5% out of the 10% who have read it respond in a NOT so nice manner. I have received some mean messages, but I just laugh and think that person is foolish for even wasting their time responding. Apparently they were offended, but we all have particulars right....what we want and do not want from someone, etc. I am straight and to the point and I especially hate wasting my time....my time is valuable to me. I added you to my favorites !! Mike (aka "Mr Clean") (kidding) Seriously though - thanks for the replies - I believe the person who stated that she's not truly interested in who she dates hit the nail on the head precisely. We did talk on the phone a bit and I had to basically tell her most of the stuff which is already stated in my profile. Funny because I haven't heard back from her since Friday!! LOL I guess she should have read my profile first!! Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 159 (view)

Leagues do not exist Posted: 8/2/2009 7:15:09 AM
Here here!! I agree - I hate the phrase "out of your league" - I generally stop people mid sentence when they start saying sh_t like that. I have found, however, that there is truth to being in a "different league". Some people are just in-compatable. This is absolutely true. For me, this has much more to do with lifestyle, personality, character, up-bringing, etc., etc than with looks and outer appearance(s). There's also definitely some wisdom in the old saying--> "careful what you wish for, you just might get it". I've found that in the past when I got hurt badly by women it was because I set myself up. I was trying too hard to be someone I thought she wanted me to be. When I finally put some distance between myself and those situations - I realized that for the most part I didn't even like those women - I just liked their looks and / or their personality. I realized that most - if not ALL of them were women I was incompatable with. Almost every single one of those women had some major character flaws and issues. Why on earth would I even pretend to be someone I'm not? Why would I over-look all those obvious problems those women had? Because I wanted those women THAT BADLY plus NOBODY IS OUT OF MY LEAGUE equals OBSESSIVE and SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. In short - I was thinking with my d_ck. I have since learned that nobody is worth wanting badly enough to sacrifice my dignity and self respect for. Take me as I am - or leave me alone. So be careful when you start aiming for the stars too, because you might set yourself up as I did. My phylosophy was also "nobody is out of my league" but I also had the ridiculous notion that I could "make" someone fall for me if only I could be who they wanted me to be. Making someone love you and attracted to you is impossible. They either do or they don't. There really is no gray area there. I do not have that power as I learned the hard way. Nobody is worth obsessing over like that either. So be careful when you start hitching your wagon to a star. That star may not want your wagon hitched on her and it's gonna hurt a lot more than ripping a band aid off when she tells you that. As the O.P. also mentioned, there is no guarantee that the person I want - wants me. That's the risk factor. I prefer calculated risks over blind flights of fancy these days. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

Getting to know you Posted: 8/2/2009 6:52:16 AM
've just realised that happened in my last relationship, the first three months were wonderful and I spent them falling head over heels with this guy. Then he changed, and I spent the next 15 months (!!) trying to work out who he was as he switched between the real him, to the guy he thought I wanted him to be and back to the real him. I finally managed to get my head straight, suss out which was the real him and moved on. Well there's a huge difference between first impressions and people being phony. Your first impression of someone else is your own interpretation of who they are. That is all in your own head. Of course it's true that many people do try to make a good first impression - which is totally different from being a complete phony. I may bring roses to a first date and pay the first few times - this doesn't mean that roses and my paying is going to be the routine. This is what I believe is right on the first few dates - NOT all the time. Later on I'll pay when I feel like it or I'll get roses when I feel like it (as it should be always) If my not doing that all the time anymore is a let down - then perhaps I'm not the one with the issue - perhaps the person I'm with has unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of others. That's not my problem - it's hers. That's just making a great first impression - like going on a job interview. It doesn't mean you're going to wear your best suit every day on the job after you get it. That's normal to me. Then there's being phony - being phony is when someone tries to be who and what I want her to be. That's always going to backfire for her. When I see guys putting on an act and groveling at woman's feet to be who she wants him to be - it literally PAINS me. I just feel so sorry for guys like that, they're pathetic really. No woman is worth that - sorry. Take it from me, a former groveller and faker. We only hurt ourselves when we do so. Now I be myself - that's not to say I still don't pay for the first date or bring flowers to her on our first meeting - just that I'm not an ATM machine or a greenhouse loaded with perfect looking roses. Then there's always that "honeymoon phase" which (to anyone that's been in more than 1 or 2 relationships knows) always dies off after a while. That's also completely normal. The real issue is this; after that honeymoon phase dies off can you still be content and happy with that person? It's always thrilling at first meeting someone new. Some people just want that rush and nothing else. Many serial daters and serial relationship -ers - just want the thrill and rush and excitement of that honeymoon phase - when it dies off they move on (men and women are both guilty of this). It's sad because what it really says about those people is they are afraid of having a real relationship and being in a areal commitment. They want all the sunshine but no rain - they want the roses without the thorns. The want the better but not the worse. I don't expect others to be 100% at the top of their game 100% of the time. Believe me, I am totally incompatable with anyone who expects me to be at the top of my game all the time. If a woman has such unreasonable and unrealistic expectations - she can do me the biggest favor of leaving me alone. People like that need to be seeking therapy - not more dates. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 66 (view)

WHATS THE WORST DATE YOU HAD ON POF Posted: 8/2/2009 6:26:14 AM
I haven't had any truly horrible "Jerry Springer Show" type experiences - just lots of no returns / no second dates with mixed signals about there being more with those women. The last two acted as-if they wanted a second date, then kept having excuses as to why we couldn't. I even made out with one of them, which seemed to me to be a deal breaker. I at least thought she'd want another, she even seemed very happy about the whole making out thing. Then they both just vanished off my radar screen. Believe me, I dropped their phone numbers after about a month of listening to excuses and B.S. I have moved on. Meeting someone today in fact. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Paying for Majority of Dates Posted: 8/2/2009 6:20:10 AM
Oh great, another cheap man thread. If you dont want to pay her way, dont ask her out. I wouldn't call paying for the first 6 - 10 dates "cheap". I'd call it extortion. Men want women and ladies - not hookers and prostitutes. If she has an income she should have been picking up the bill (or at least half) after the third date, possibly sooner. What that tells a guy is that she's in it for real and not just some gold digger. The best way around issues like these is to start suggesting date ideas that do not involve spending any money at all. You'll know you have a gold digger on your hands pretty fast when she's never willing to just go for a walk with you in a public park or something else that's completely free. If she's like that drop her like a bad habit. Lose the zero and get yourself a hero. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Does anyone actually read a persons personal profile? Posted: 8/2/2009 6:08:38 AM
I'm in the process of talking to someone I met on here - when I brought - up some things about myself, I mentioned to her that she probably already knew all this stuff from reading my profile. She said she doesn't bother reading descriptions since so many people B.S. about who they are. Okay - granted. But wouldn;t you at least want some idea of what they are trying to say they are (even if they are lieing about it) ? At least it gives you something concrete to expect of the other person. If they turn out to be something else, you'll know eventually. Now this is also someone who has been dating for 6 or 7 yrs and hasn't had any success. That's quite a while to not have met someone steady yet. To me that could also be because she's not even bothering to read a persons personal description first. I mean, what do you even have to go on then? That means she's going in with expectations. So, I'm curious - do many people just ignore a persons profile because of this? True- there are definitely many that do lie about who they are, but there has to be many (like myself) that are 100% honest about themselves too. I mean, I have stuff in mine that you'd have to ask yourself "why would he choose to make that up?" To me, I'd rather have something concrete to go on about a person first, then go into something with no clue at all, or worse yet expectations. Even if that something concrete turns out to be a facade, at least I have the facade to go by. Without any of this info - it's like just meeting someone in a bar or off the street. Why even bother using a dating site at all? I try to be as honest about who I am in that profile so there's no wacky expectations or surprises whenever I do meet someone. She should know some things about me so I don't catch any flack for it later on. That level of honesty actually pays off just as much for me as it does for her. If she see's that I'm not someone she'd want from reading my description, then noether of us need to waste each other's time and we both get to find people we ARE compatable with and that we DO want. No, I'm not ranting, nor is this a self pity thread - just curious why anyone would even bother using a dating site if they're going to ignore the features and profiles and so on. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 5 (view)

Did she blow me off? Posted: 6/21/2009 7:02:10 PM
Thanks - I kinda figured as much - scared!! -- Was I jumping the gun a bit myself? YES - but everyone has their own idea of "taking it slow" - to me it doesn't mean I don't still call someone after hitting it off that well at least once a day - to her it does (or that's what she says). I'm just going to forget about the whole thing. Gotta keep it moving. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Did she blow me off? Posted: 6/21/2009 6:35:32 PM
I've been a member here forever and no dates - well, about 1 month ago (wow - it's already been almost a whole month) I was contacted by someone and so we met-up. She was fairly local also so it was do-able. Of course we talked a bit first but met fairly soon after as that's the way I prefer things. So I drove out to her home town and we met at a local Starbucks to chat. We then walked around her town for a bit and seemed to be hitting it off real well. We kissed also and it was fantastic. We kissedv a few more times and then we called it a date and I went back home. She agreed to come out to meet up with me in my town the next time. The following weekend I had something to do already scheduled so that weekend was out. I did call her frequently however and we talked alot on the phone over the next two weeks. Well two weeks went by and I asked her if she wanted to meet up again - she said she would come out to me and we'd do breakfast. Cool! The day before our planned date she decides to tell me that she thinks I call her too much and that she's not used to that. ??? So I backed off a bit - we both admitted to each other that we didn;t want to rush into things because we'd both made mistakes in the past that way. The thing is her idea of "taking it slow" and mine may have been way different. So the day before our next date she drops this on me about her not being used to a guy calling her so often. I said "okay - I can chill out a bit more" Then the day arrives of our date and she got sick - she agreed to come out the next day (sunday) then she had some other problem. Now she claims she's super backed-up at work. She claimed to be a straight shooter and that she'd be straight with me - but is she just so convinced that I may be "obsessed" with her (or some nonsense) that she's blowing me off? I mean she didn;t fight me off when I moved in for the kiss on the first date either and she seemd to like it also - so WTF?!? I mean this is the only real decent date I've had since I joined-up and this is what I get Stop the world and let me off!! LOL Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

How do I block Posted: 6/6/2009 3:20:35 AM
How do I block a specific user? Thanks for any help Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

having sex while on the break Posted: 6/5/2009 5:45:39 AM
I see many of the replies indicate that a break is "okay" provided the man doesn't have sex with someone else - so by that standard the woman cannot date / be romanced by other men (without sex) because it would be the opposite side of the same "cheating" coin IMHO. You can't have it both ways. A woman that requests a time out / break / (whatever) can't still be trying to hold a monopoly over a man's d_ck. That's the same as a guy requesting a break but demanding that the one he's taking the break from not allow other men to treat her well (if even just platonically). It's the same exact thing. Cheating isn't just about sex (although that's the accepted definition because we live in a society that still preaches that sex and a man's needs are "evil / wrong" but that a woman's needs are "always pure"). A man's and a woman's needs in a relationships aren't the same. Sex is to a man what the quality of the relationship is to a woman. So if on a break a man should be free to have sex with others and a woman should be free to seek men that treat her the way she wants to be treated. It's the same thing. Romance / quality of emotional attachment/bonding is not a top priority to us men - nor is sex and/or physical intimacy a priority to women. This is because both genders take what comes easily to them for granted. To me, if you're taking a break you'd better be willing to let the other partner seek what they need (whether it be sex or non-sexual romantic bonding) from someone else. Otherwise you should end it. That's the only way to be fair about it. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

A Rose Giving Question Posted: 6/5/2009 5:18:43 AM
I don't think it was the yellow roses that scared her as much as the indication that you're already living in the future and making plans with someone you're just meeting. "I look forward to the day when I'll be giving you red roses" = "let's get this thing moving along as quickly as possible". I've given red roses (the "baby" / "mini" ones though) on a first date and even asked if they thought it was "too much" - they said they thought it was a nice gesture - many times we even hit it off very well (maybe a result of giving red). Some even said they didn't really know the differences between the rose colors and their meanings. I think the real key is to relax and just be yourself. If you "feel" that red, yellow, pink, white are appropriate then just do it. Don't over-think dating - just let things flow. Sure you have to steer the boat a little, but don't over - do it. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 269 (view)

What Changes in the male mind after sex Posted: 6/5/2009 5:11:21 AM
What changes in the female mind after marriage? Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

Do any men know the difference between being in control and being controlling? Posted: 6/5/2009 5:00:18 AM
Healthy adults do not have so much disrespect for others that they would dare to attempt to control them. They accept that grown adults should ultimately come to their own decisions and live responsibly without cohersion. I agree - I'd also say that a mature and "healthy" adult knows that he or she can only truly control themselves. That they cannot control anyone else. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 152 (view)

letting a man wait for sex Posted: 6/4/2009 7:56:25 AM
Then you do what I do, you gently teach her to be a fabulous lover... to be great in bed and to enjoy what she does with you... With time, love and patience, and emotional investment, you can teach them anything... Let's face it, anyone who can't improve their lover, is just as bad as the person their complaining about.... I suppose that is a good point. I'd think it would depend on her "starting point" too. I don't think there could be much to teach someone who was too prude or "strictly missionary" either though. I would think there would be a limit. I went through something like that with my ex-wife and she was MY first sex partner, while I was not hers. Yet I already had a pretty damn good idea of everything I wanted to do sexually (which was and still is almost everything - provided it's one-on-one). By the time our relationship had ended and after a total of 6 yrs together (3 of which were married) she wasn't willing to do much more than what she started with me with. Once I got out of that train wreck (for many other reasons besides sex also) and started meeting other women I started having the experiences I wanted. I didn't have to try to "convince" anyone to do anything. For many women that's a very sensitive area and many women can be very stubborn about sex and variety of sexual positions and styles. I don't have time for that. I don't need to teach someone who is stubborn, and YES I would consider that adeal breaker no matter how great I get along with someone. I can't deny my needs either. Eventually I will not be able to "pretend" to be "okay" with it. Now if she's willing that means she cares about my happiness also. That tells me she loves me enough to explore new things sexually (again - not asking her for a threesome or anything sordid - just in terms of monogamous - one-on-one sex). If she's open minded and willing then there's a chance even if she doesn't have the actual experience to back it up. If she's stubborn and just won't do things then that also says a whole hell of a lot about her as a person. It tells me she doesn't care about my happiness, it tells me that she suffers from "concrete thinking" and there's a whole lot about that that would lead to potential disaster in and out of the bedroom. As for the thread title - "letting a man wait" is a funny way of putting it. It's usually more like "making a man wait" or "making a man BEG" - which I refuse to do. I can take things slow within reason, but after a set number of dates I'm expecting to make a "home run" or be pretty damn close to it. Besides, I wouldn't be seeing her for a second or third date if I didn't still feel that attraction and feel some good compatibility and chemistry. So after a certain limit of dates if we're still not getting down, I have to wonder what her problem is. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 96 (view)

Favorite physical quality of the opposite sex. Posted: 6/4/2009 7:34:23 AM
Face and hair - I like a woman with healthy skin, not too many wrinkles - (understandable in my age range a bit though) definitely prefer long and healthy looking hair. She's naturally beautiful (meaning no plastic surgery because I can spot that a mile away) - normal sized lips, preferably on the smaller to medium side - not into big lips. Body - I'd say I'm definitely a member of "The A-Team" (ass) I like a nice toned yet feminine ass and hips, and great legs, preferably long - she looks like she stays in shape, works out frequently, etc. A flat stomach or not too much "cushion". A little baby fat is okay. Breasts? I'd say breasts are my last priority. If she has large breasts - that's definitely a bonus, but breast size is not a deal breaker for me. She could be a member of the I.B.T.C. too (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) and it wouldn't matter to me. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Well slap my ass and call me Daddy...WHY? Posted: 6/4/2009 7:20:18 AM
I usually slap her ass and say "Giddy up!!" or "ride me hard baby!!" - that is of course after knowing if she likes that or not. I don't mind a good slap on the ass either or just her grabbing my buttcheeks and pulling me in. Awwwww yeah As for the "daddy" thing - nah that's a tad weird. There is something to be said about when a woman calls out my full name during sex "Michael! - Michael!" instead of "Mike" - it adds emphasis to it or something. Definitely a turn on. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

23 and still living at home Posted: 6/3/2009 3:21:39 PM
Wow - I didn't read many of the replies to this, but I'm going to go against what I guess many are replying with and say you should NOT move out on your own. You should use this opportunity to get yourself in order and get your diploma, your license, etc., etc. Do you believe this will all be "easier" when you have gained your much desired "freedom" from those who are looking after you? Yes, I know, you feel like you're being "held back" right? HAHAHAHA All I can say is - There but for the grace of GOD go I. Do you believe somehow having to work, pay higher rent, get to and from places all on your own and try to get a diploma will be "easier" when you are also bearing all the real responsibilities of living by yourself? Just some food for thought. My sister lived with our parents (may they rest in peace) until she was 30. There was a reason for that too. She's very well adjusted and established now as-well. No shame in living with the folks if you can, especially at 23 (jeez you're practically still a kid - no offense) Don't be in such a "rush" to get out of the nest. Sorry for seeming like I'm lecturing you here, but just be grateful your parents are still around to even do this for you. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 57 (view)

Should we try to love someone unconditionally? Posted: 6/3/2009 3:14:51 PM
IMPOSSIBLE - unless it's blood family (mother, father, siblings your own children, etc., etc.) - or - friends. As far as significant others go, NOT possible to love "unconditionally". If you believe in that, the worst hasn't happened to you yet and you're setting yourself up. Personally, I believe in having some rules and guidelines in a relationship. I believe that we teach others how we want to be treated. We let others know what lines are okay to cross and which ones are forbidden. That's more about knowing oneself - what we need from another is often only gained from experience (the good, the bad and the ugly). So you set your conditions from the start and expect the other person to comply. The rest is unconditional. Whenever I hear people talk about "unconditional love" in terms of a sexual / romantic relationship I have to fight off the temptation to laugh my ass off or correct them on that one. I also believe in letting people make their own mistakes too, so I usually try to exercise some restraint of pen and tongue. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Does Quantity Really Lead to Success? Posted: 5/30/2009 9:44:14 AM
Personally I don't think so. I just met someone great yesterday and we hit it off pretty well. I left with butterflies - something I haven't felt since I was like - 14 yrs old LOL Naturally I have some minor stupid little insecurities about it now. I've been there and done that also - never dreamed I would be doing such a thing either - basically had two over-lapping relationships (the end of one and the beginning of another - but there was an over-lap of about 1 month) - I'm not normally a player nor do I agree with that way of thinking or that lifestyle - and I'd never done anything like that before or since - I can say that it just sort of happened but I know I also decided. I can't pretend I didn't make a choice or that I was a victim of "fate" or whatever. One morning I'd wake-up and instead of seeing the one I had been with in my mind - I'd see the new one I was just starting to see. She became my first thought of the day (replacing the ones of the one I was seeing for a year). There were also some issues with the one I had been seeing that weren't super terrible deal breakers for me and sure I could have stuck it out longer, but when I started seeing the new woman and seeing her in my mind in the mornings, when she became my new first thought - I just knew I had to end it with the one I had been seeing. I never told either about it as that would have been cruel to them. They were both good women - but I was also still getting to know what I wanted. I was getting to know the differences between what I want and what I need too. Believe it or not - we don't just "wake-up" one day and know exactly what we need. We just start out with these idealistic fairy tale notions of what we want in the opposite sex. Every man wants the supermodel type when he starts out - then learns that he may not be compatible with such a woman (just an example). That's the difference between what a person wants and what a person needs. In my case I had to end it with the one I had been seeing for 1 yr - it was hard to find the words too - it really did end-up being the cheezy "It's not you it's me" thing. Those were the only words I could find. It really wasn't her either. I was still somewhat confused about what I needed / wanted. I have a much clearer picture of what that is today - and no I didn't like doing that. I'm really NOT that type of guy. Never once did I imagine I'd be in that situation until I was. It wasn't even about the way it could have made either woman feel had they learned the truth - it's the way I felt. I was confused and out of focus during that over-lapping time period. I couldn't concentrate and was just going nuts a bit trying to "juggle" two relationships at the same time. Yes, I'll admit there was a twisted part of me that thought it was cool for a bit - because I used to secretly envy men (and outwardly condemn them) that could "play" like that. Now I don't. I see why it's not all it appears to be. It really messes with MY head, nevermind the potential harm it could do to the women involved. This was why I chose to never tell on myself to either of them. The reason I choose not to engage in such a thing again is because my mind simply isn't capable of it. I like to keep things simple. I don't ever want to feel ashamed of myself so I won't do anything like that again. So, I don't think quantity leads to success - sure you may end-up with someone long term but you're not doing anything to really get to know any single person or commit to one of them. You're "keeping your options open" and you're not giving anyone a fair chance. It's a very "non-committal" way of approaching things. I don't look at dating like interviewing people for a job - maybe that's just me - and I do understand the "trial" period of still seeing how it's going, but at some point you have to be ready to commit to a person. I just fail to see how you can get to that point when you're measuring him / her up against other "candidates". I just don't see how it's fair to the other people involved. I can be open-minded, but for the most part I'm still pretty-much the type that believes in exclusivity. I do believe in trying to get serious with one person, instead of being superficial with many. Call me old fashioned. I believe in giving ONE person a FAIR chance - versus measuring-up 5 different people against one another. But hey, to some people that is just normal dating too. I just think it says to me that that person dating many others doesn't really know what he / she needs yet. They're still learning about themselves. Nothing wrong with that, I just don't need to get hurt in your growth process. Having been that person seeing two simultaneously for a little while I also see how it could have hurt those women too. I just didn't feel "right" about what I was doing. Just my 2¢ Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Only the Fearless are Harmless... Posted: 5/29/2009 5:54:12 AM
This "wisdom" coming from the inhabitants of a homeless shelter. If these people were so smart, then how did they end up in that situation? Enough said. These people may not have had ENOUGH -- fear / caution / common sense / or even just a plan "B" -- to avoid such a situation. Some fears are GOOD to have. Sure these people may not be harming anyone else directly, but look at the mess they made of their own lives. They harmed themselves. Yes some have very valid reasons - major calamities in their lives - the real truth is that most are mentally ill and / or chemically addicted. I know this from experience. My first two months sober were in a homeless shelter nearly 6 yrs ago. In retrospect (it's funny how hindsight is always 20/20) I wasn't just a drunk, I was basically mentally ill myself. Suffering from the mental illness of denial. Denial tells you that everything is "fantastic" when it really is quite the opposite. No, it's never "okay" if your life has gotten to that point. It's never "okay". One SHOULD be afraid of that happening to them (in reality letting their life get to that point). They SHOULD have some sense of self preservation and survival instinct to avoid that kind of situation. Those who are mentally ill or (as I was) chemically addicted (alcohol is a drug too) live in the fairy tale / fantasy land of denial where the park bench they sleep on (thank GOD it never got that bad for me - came close though) seems, to them, to be like a 5 star hotel penthouse suite in their minds. The shelter is a step UP for these people. It's an upgrade from the streets. When my eyes opened to the reality of the mess I had made of my life it was like that scene from the movie "The Matrix" where Morpheus says to Neo just after rescuing him from the Matrix -- "Welcome to the land of the REAL" and I actually was aware of the reality of my surroundings and my situation. I was no longer living in my head in alcohol induced denial. I was suddenly awake, aware, and conscious. More back on the topic at hand though: Fear of committing to the wrong person is a valid fear. Many of us aren't afraid to commit, but we may do so too easily also. That can be a huge mistake also. Fear of getting to know someone new is not a valid fear. That's just shooting down the airplane before it even get's off the runway. Some people live in unrealistic and unreasonable fear - some people proceed with caution based on wisdom which can only be gained from experience. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

is he gay? metrosexual..shit i am sick of these 1/2 way guys.. Posted: 5/28/2009 8:23:02 AM
Again - it's got more to do with a beautiful woman's desire to feel some sort of "power" over the man she's with. If he looks better, gets more looks at the club from the opposite sex, then she loses what she perceives is her own "power". Her ego does not get the food she feels it is entitled to. So it stands to reason that she needs a sloppier looking dude to always feel superior to. If she doesn't realize it now, she soon learns that's what she believes she needs. God forbid she actually deflate her own ego and place her feet on the ground with the rest of us "mere mortals" though!! That's just really all about the female ego in the end. A handsome, stylish and dapper metro guy and a high maintenance beauty queen just can't co-exist. Two ego's that can't fit into the same room together. That's why it was a great learning experience for me to try on the shoes of the metro man for a while. I gained lots of wisdom from those experiences and that time period. From my attempts at connecting with women from that angle. Women can be even more egotistical and vile and full of self than they claim us men typically are. Unlike most men - many more women will also defend their "right" to always feel that way - to always feel her ego is entitled to the starring role - center stage - main attraction at all times. Men typically give-up and gain some humility when they see it gets them nowhere. A woman can stay that way indefinitely though - ending-up as one of these people with the maturity level of a 16 yr old girl trapped in the real body of a 40 something. She just moves through life always finding another man to enable her ego and place her up high on that pedestal over and over again. never truly growing up or more importantly maturing. That's never a pretty thing to witness either. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 39 (view)

is he gay? metrosexual..shit i am sick of these 1/2 way guys.. Posted: 5/28/2009 8:04:13 AM
I like a man who aint afraid to get dirty, and is good with his hands. If my man spends more time primping than me we got a problem. I'm surprised how many women actually believe that a handy man can't also be stylish and trendy - or how many women believe a stylish and trendy guy couldn't possibly also know how to fix a car or something (for example). Stereotypes - gotta love 'em. Like all blue-eyed blonds with big tits are dumb - right? Again -- another stereotype. What about the sloppy looking dudes that can't / don't know how to fix shit? Hey -- if you want someone to perform hard labor - why not just hire someone to do it? Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

is he gay? metrosexual..shit i am sick of these 1/2 way guys.. Posted: 5/28/2009 7:57:50 AM
I must have over-looked this: this is the third one in the row for me..cant there be nice and testosterone in the same package??? A good reply to that was this: Maybe you are pursuing a certain look and thus the men in that category display 'metrosexual' tendencies. I'd say that about hits the nail on the head too. There's your answer - your solution to the problem. You're attracting a certain type of guy. So YOU need to CHANGE something about YOU to attract what you want / need. Otherwise you keep getting the rock-star wanna-bes / glamour / pretty boys / posers / wanna-be gangstas -- whatever. It was the same for me when I was more "metro" - I attracted only a certain type of woman - the party chicks, the materialistic ones - the high maintenance ones - the extreme narcissists. Two narcissists can't exist together - they just compete with each other. Two legends in their own minds. When I toned down my look and attitude (when I became more REAL), then the REAL ones started coming my way and I had much more success(es). Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

is he gay? metrosexual..shit i am sick of these 1/2 way guys.. Posted: 5/28/2009 7:40:42 AM
Just checking out your pics - the last woman I was with that looked like you sort of intimidated me - and she was definitely super high maintenance ( not suggesting you are - but I'm just saying - some men judge a book by it's cover too much) -- what I'd say at that time of my life (about 4 yrs ago or more) was that I was more "metro-sexual" too. I felt that it would impress a woman more than turn her off - no thanks - to reading "self help" books like "Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus" and crap like that. I was definitely more full of myself - I'll admit that. I was also trying to understand women and learn how to empathize with them too much - BIG MISTAKE!!! Eventually I got tired of women putting me in the "close platonic friends zone" and treating me like a real nice guy / girlfriend / b_tch - and had to get much more aggressive with women - take what I want - learn who she is later. That's the only way I can roll now. Lots of women will take advantage of a guy who tries to give her the benefit of the doubt and give her the "let's take it slow" approach - gaining a connection first, but not the kind of connection a man needs (physical intimacy and sex). Eventually I realized this was not paying off and had to basically become the "typical male" (or more like the typical male). That's when things started happening for me - maybe not with those perfect 10 women I'd have wanted back then - but with women whom are much less superficial / materialistic / high-maintenance. It's funny that women who are high maintenance are the ones who generally complained about it the most. I think that also has alot to do with her desire to be the center of everyone elses attention. She can't be with a man who takes the attention off her and has everyone checking him out instead - that's basically a self esteem issue on her part (not his). Nothing wrong with a man being confident and taking pride in his appearance / personal hygiene. Would you want the alternative? I didn't think so. Hell -- I still get my eyebrows waxed because the crazy hairs start growing in weird directions. I also work out religiously and eat right. I do have some rather stylish clothes as-well - two button down "Paisley" print shirts among my favorites - had those for years now. I also have typical "I don't give a shit what you think about my looks" clothes also (jeans - tee-shirts, etc., etc) and I'm not afraid to cut the rug and go dancing sometimes (just don't feel a craving to do so all the time). I was also in that kind of relationship where I did all the housework, cooking, cleaning, also went to work full-time and to school full time at night so I could get a better job and provide a better future for she and I. That wasn't because I preferred doing all those things - it's because my ex-wife was a lazy - good for nothing - piece of crap. Yeah, choosing her was my mistake (young and desperate). Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 81 (view)

Ladies-Deal breaker? Posted: 5/27/2009 4:38:19 AM
As for the visual thing - the over-all look. After I lost lots of weight recently - I gotta say I've actually thought about trying out for porn!! My c_ck didn't get bigger, the rest of me got smaller. Many women probably see an average size on a guy who is somewhat larger and because of that it looks smaller by proportion to the rest of his frame. That's just an optical / proportion thing. Penis size doesn't change that much after the late teens. I'd agree, I looked smaller when I was heavier. Now, as for whether this guy really is average or tiny, that's the real issue I think. What does the O.P. consider average? I'll give you ladies a clue here - even 7" is slightly ABOVE average. If you ladies are out there looking for dudes with 12" c_cks - then I'd suggest you get real. Try the following: A.) work on tightening-up your vaginal muscles by doing kegals - because it's obvious that your needs are unrealistic. --and / or-- B.) stop using the biggest, most ridiculously gi-normous dildo you can find in the adult toy store. I've been around enough now to be past that awkward teenage "am I big enough to satisfy" phase. When I'm with a woman who has a sloppy - loose vagina, it's definitely NOT my problem, it's hers. She's either been using a Boeing 747 sized dildo, had wayy too many lovers, or just doesn't take care of herself (or a combination of the three). Yeah, I suppose that would be a deal breaker for me too. I'd at least try to encourage her to do something about it before dumping her. I'd suggest she do kegals and / or stop using the "super-size-me" sized toys (heck, I'd request that she stop using any toys at all - like I did with one lover whom I was with for a year also and had a very good relationship with also). I'm not suggesting that some men may not have normal sized equipment, I'm just not sure if it really is that or if too many women actually believe that a 14" long 3" wide c_ck is "average". Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

What is your number one fantasy? Posted: 5/26/2009 6:46:14 AM
1 - What is your number one fantasy? MFF - I already tried the MMF - wouldn't do that again. I didn't even stay for the whole session (back when I was drinking too - I'm sure being drunk off my ass influenced that decision also). 2 - Or is there more than one, depending on the "emotional climate?" One at a time please - not too many others except the MFF one left really - maybe a woman that enjoys anal? I guess that's another one. Other than those - not too many left really. Why woukd it depend on an emotional climate? Who said I was in a relationship with this / these women? Maybe it's just a one time deal or a fling. Probably the only way it would work to be honest. I can't see the kind of woman I could have a relationship with being that open and into something like a threesome. Hell, that would bug me out a bit. 3 - Do you want to pursue this fantasy, or are you happy with it remaining "just a fantasy?" If it happens it happens - I'm not pursuing it otherwise. I've come close once or twice already which leads me to believe it will happen soon enough. It's probably gonna be a one time deal just to say "yeah - I was in a MFF" - then I won't even want it anymore. It'll be like "been there / done that" - I could also go the rest of my life without ever having lived it - but it's not looking like that's the case. 4 - Have you or would you share your fantasies with your partner? My partner(s) for the MFF? Never said they'd be anything more than a one time deal though. Not women I'd be introducing to the family or anything like that - Yes - I'm sharing it here too aren't I? LOL

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 66 (view)

How many people here have pathological sexual obsessions? Posted: 5/26/2009 6:31:05 AM
Natural sexual desire is NOT an addiction / obsession. I wish people would learn how to understand that. I believe the "problem" only stems from the silly notion that if I think about sex at all, that means (according to some peoples thought process - or lack -thereof) I'm gonna go blow my money at a go-go bar and find a hooker to go home with spending the mortgage and car payment money in the process. Now folks THAT IS the definition of an addiction / obsessive thinking process. If it makes your life un-manageable, then it's a problem. Sexual desire is neither a need nor a want - it is a natural instinct. Animals don't attend 12 step programs because they screw every animal they find either. It's in the genetic coding to do so. Human beings are part animal also - we are rational / animals. I think we forget that sometimes. As for the cure to sexual obsession - turn off the TV, stop logging on to the porn sites, and get out and meet people and do stuff. I'd rather be having sex than fantasizing about it. just my 2¢ Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 64 (view)

F*ckers vs. Lovers Posted: 5/26/2009 5:55:26 AM
This is like the female equivalent of men always wanting the whore and the housewife. I too used to be clueless to this, but have observed this and have attempted to adjust to it. It was never easy when I had little to no experience and I'd bear all kinds of judgment against myself because I "respected" her "too much" to ever consider doing some things I thought / fantasized about doing with her (whoever she was at that time). The thing is, as I've seen, women want a man to be a MAN in the bedroom (at least in most of my more recent experiences). They want us to be aggressive. So, men, the trick is to be nice, respectful and still PLOW HER HARD / be totally uninhibited when you're alone with her. Remember if you try something and she says No, it still means NO, that's all you need to know. There's a time for "cuddling" and "snuggling" and then there's a time for some FREAKY WILD ANIMAL PORNO SEX. You can be both to the same woman and have both with the same woman. It's psychological really. It's brainwashing. It's the way men have been programmed to think. I blame society, the media, "social customs / rules / restrictions" in general. The problem is that men are told to respect women so much that we develop our own inhibitions about women. It is tricky for us men who have always been told to treat a woman like a lady and always to be a gentleman. It is tricky when men hear women always telling us that we're all pigs and only have one thing on our mind. So that when we do finally have the woman that actually WANTS that one thing (to get down and dirty) from us, we place them up high on a pedestal. We've already developed this kind of "shame" of our own basic sexual instincts / or of just being a man - based on societal brainwashing and programming. It's almost like we feel we have to "ask for permission" or something. I can relate to this phenomenon because I used to be like that until I gained more and more experience with and understanding of women. Hell, I was still like that after my divorce because I'd spent a total of 7 yrs of my life with her and she was my first. It turns out that where sex is concerned women aren't much different than us men. In fact I'd say in the over-all way of a relationship we're not so different either. I mean (again) I refer to the whore and the housewife fantasy that most men have also. Well, I believe women KNOW we have that fantasy (in those ways women seem to always be a little smarter than us - we tend to have to play "catch-up" with them in terms of intuition). One day I just realized that a woman I was with wanted me too, I realized that if she didn't like something she'd tell me to stop. I stopped feeling like I had to "beg" for it. I stopped feeling inhibited and just went with the flow - did what I wanted to do. Stopped feeling like I was a taker - instead I became a GIVER. I flipped the script on that thinking and I've never gone back. Since then I've had ZERO complaints about sex or concerns about it either. Sadly, I also believe I missed many opportunities with women based on those kinds of brainwashed inhibitions. Eventually, for me anyway, I had to re-evaluate my notions of what I believed was "right" and what was "wrong" where relationships and sex are concerned. Did I want to be "right" (in the view of the world, society, whoever / whatever) or did I want to be happy? To quote YODA from Star Wars - "You must un-learn what you have learned". Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 616 (view)

Smokers: Would you quit smoking for your dreamboat? Posted: 5/26/2009 5:28:33 AM
Just like any addiction - if you want to stop successfully you have to want it for yourself. Now, I could see if you were in an established and long-term relationship and your S.O. was concerned about your health, even then, you have to want to stop for YOU. We hear about men and women who get sober to save their marriage or family or their career / job. In recovery we still emphasize the fact that we must want it for ourselves. We emphasize that if we place those things before our sobriety / recovery we WILL stand the greater risk of losing those things and of relapsing. I do still see that it is a valid reason. We each find our own reason(s). I didn't stop drinking until I was desperate enough and at rock-bottom. The thing about that is, once I got into recovery I met people who's version of "rock-bottom" made mine look like a stroll in the park. Many smokers won't stop until they learn they have lung disease or cancer and their life is being threatened. The question is; how low do you want to go? I couldn't POSSIBLY see quitting any addiction for a "potential" partner though. That's just like saying "I'm willing to BE anything YOU want me to be" - which could be the start of a whole new problem (co-dependency) too. People that would go to THAT extreme likely will end-up resenting their "perfect" partner later on when they realize that, like any human being, she ISN'T. People that would go to that extreme are hoping that this person will somehow replace whatever feeling smoking gave them. In recovery we refer to this as "substitution". Many recovering addicts and alcoholics take-on other compulsions / obsessions and even addictions in order to substitute the one they are quitting. It's merely replacing one thing for another. Replacing whatever void and empty-ness they feel within with someone or something else. The addict always feels as-if he or she is "missing" something from their life. They always feel as-if they need "more - more - more" of everything to fill that void. In recovery we learn to replace that with GOD, or a higher power of our own understanding. We learn to love ourselves as we are. True self actualization and self acceptance. After all, most of us were just looking for drugs/sex/alcohol/cigarettes/whatever to do something for us which they never did. I never became cooler or more popular from drinking or smoking. They never made me a better person, a better lover, a better partner, a better friend, a better worker. Just my 2¢ Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Overly Sociable Men Posted: 5/25/2009 9:07:06 AM
There are two types of guy here. One, is a very sociable guy that communicates with EVERY body, women, men, old ladies, babies, the works. There's nothing wrong with this guy. Then there's the guy who seems, like the guy above, but immediately puts moves when they are women and are constantly asking for phone numbers, or to get together. These type of men are pathological liars. You forgot the kind that goes for what he wants and doesn't communicate with everyone / anyone all the time. The kind that strictly interacts with the object of his affection only. I'll admit though that I tried on the sociable / outgoing / gregarious pants - not my style though. I had to stop being like that because I just wound-up with lots of attractive female platonic friends. Definitely not my goal or intent. I don't totally believe that - that was me being a "pathological liar" as much as too many women interpreting me being so out-going as just being "friendly / nice". Was I "lying" (okay, I'll admit I was attempting to be more outgoing - something I am definitely NOT) or were they just naive (or playing stupid)? I also happen to know at least a few who took advantage of the situation and that ended that. Hurt me once - shame on you - hurt me twice shame on me. I honestly felt as-if I was making an attempt to get to know a woman first (which seems to always be what women complain about us NOT wanting to do) - so when I tried it, women weren't going for it in the way I intended. To be honest, I wish I had actually "put the moves" at all -- or at least made some kind of a move sooner, so I would have known for a fact that they were only interested in friendship and / or seeing how they could take advantage of me and milk the situation for all it was worth. Was I lying or was I just trying a different approach? I don't feel like I lied to anyone, but in the end it just doesn't work and only leads to a world of pain for me. Lesson learned. Some people are also just more used to being in a huge social circle and having many, many friends (even ones of the opposite sex) - That was the other issue with those women in my case. They were used to that and just take that kind of attention for granted. That's not the way I am - I have a smaller circle of friends and mostly , if not ALL men. So for me one-on-one interaction with women is a different thing. I don't misinterpret it or just interpret it as "friendly" - "platonic" the way those women in my case did because they are just too used to having too many male friends. I also learned that it doesn't matter since a woman basically knows whether she's attracted or not. It doesn't take much social interaction or bonding first. The whole "friends first" notion only looks good on paper - not in reality or practice. So now I don't let my intentions be misinterpreted. I make it clear as possible so as to avoid that whole "awww lets be friends" nonsense. I have enough friends and I'm not looking for / pursuing female ones. If I'm appearing that interested, it's not for friendship. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Single signs Posted: 5/25/2009 5:04:35 AM
I just walk around with a sign that says "available" on it Interesting side-note here - my buddy married a wiccan and she mentioned to me once that the Christian fish symbol is actually based upon a pagan symbol for female fertility or something. If you take the fish symbol and put it on it's side (with the tail down) it looks like a woman's vagina. Stay tuned for more useless information after this commercial break! Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

90% of my recieved messages are... Posted: 5/24/2009 2:38:58 PM
Cheers to you man (the O.P.) if you've got it - flaunt it!! The difference in the kinds of women you'll attract is going to vary. The best thing is - the shoe is on the other foot for a change. A great portion of the female populous will not go for a guy based on looks alone (or at all even). Most women are still on the whole "seeking a good provider" notion and will completely compromise looks for money. Sometimes even if the guy is ugly and a jerk too. Secretly, they ALL want you (or someone that has your physique), but they're mostly still too needy of a man for financial support and financial security. You are in a unique position because the top percentage of successful women don't need a man for money. So they naturally can afford to actually go for physical attractive-ness as a higher priority. What that means to you is you'll be attracting much more successful women - women that aren't needy. You have a much greater selection. That's nothing BUT a good thing for you. It's that classic story - The pool boy is always getting some from the wife because the hubby is always at work and doesn't really take such great care of his body nor is he romantically / sexually inclined when he does finally get home from a 16 hr work day. Sure he's loaded financially, but that's all he's good for to her. She's not sexually interested in him at all. It's better to BE the hot pool boy than it ever was to be the wealthy troll. It's a lot harder to look like that at my age (trying though!!) I'll never be anyone's "sugar daddy", that's for sure. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Sorry....I just had to ask it Posted: 5/24/2009 2:24:40 PM
Does she make you brush your teeth and gargle with Listerine™ after going down on her too? I've not been with a woman like that since I was in my 20's and she was also. Now as for "loving" it- I don't know if I buy that either. I believe it's just less of a hassle than to make you go clean-up first after every fingering / oral session. I'm sure most women wouldn't want to suck you off after you railed her while she was on the rag. Hell, that would disgust ME too!! Sorta like if you came in her mouth and she snow-balled you. That's a definite NO-NO. Yeah, I'll kiss her after, but I will puke in her face if she tried to spit it back into my mouth!! People get injured that way. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 107 (view)

Curved penis? Posted: 5/24/2009 2:12:02 PM
Mine is cork-screw shaped Ladies? You remember the Crazy-straw? Oh yeah - that's what I'm talking about!!! Seriously - I think the common curve or bend is upwards (towards your BIG head) - that's how mine is. It's a pain when I have to pee and I've got morning wood though. Jeez. The least common is probably downwards (although I see this in PORN quite a bit). I'd guess women like it - I've never had any complaints about it. I also see how it helps to hit the G-Spot and adds to her pleasure (when you know how to work it) Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 48 (view)

How Important Is Musical Taste In A Relationship? Posted: 5/24/2009 1:46:44 PM
That's my take, if I meet a girl and she tells me she loved Def Leppard, that will do wonder for me. Me too!! But I have an excuse since that was my generation!! I get along well with women who have similar tastes in music - I just can't get on well with someone who's totally into techno/dance/club/hip-hop/rap. Virtually every other genre of music is tolerable to me, and even some of the more dancy / hip-hop stuff (very little). I'm just not into the ghetto queens or the club diva's. Not my lifestyle, not my kind of people. Hell, I mean even I like the Beasty Boys - but that's about as close to rap or hip-hop as I get. I do find some of the hardcore rap to be humorous just for the offensive lyrics, but I can't listen to that stuff all the time. Nah, give me someone who's into Classic rock, Metal, Alternative, Punk, - that's my music of choice. I even like to listen to classical on occasion. I'll take country over rap or hip - hop (not that I'm crazy about country either). Yes, it's definitely a deal breaker for me. One of the greatest "exhale" moments of my life was when my ex-wife and I finally separated and I didn't have to come home from work and hear this "BOOM-BOOM-BOOM" Club/techno/top-40/pop - CRAP thundering in my ears. I could finally listen to my music again after years of practically feeling suffocated musically. I mean she knew the kind of stuff I liked, and she seemed to like some of it - but that turned out to be a bunch of crap too. I just have a very low tolerance level for certain music. Maybe that makes me narrow minded, but I don't give a fvck what anyone else thinks about me being that way. That's WHY it's a deal breaker for me. Because I care about music. Now if we want to get into what kinds of TV shows we both like, I don't care because I don't watch much TV. I don't follow new shows. It's not a deal breaker for me. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Do Some People Only Want Relationships That Work in De-Nile? Posted: 5/24/2009 1:35:35 PM
I think there's some truth to what you speak (well actually post). In those extreme cases those people are definitely in denial. Denial is NOT a river in egypt. It's living in a fantasy world where everything is 100 % okay - 100% of the time. The reality in relationships is this is impossible. In order to come into a partnership with another human being (whether it's friends, family (although family is also bound by blood and familiarity), romantic/sexual) we must learn to accept others as they are - NOT as we would have them. Now the cases you posted are extreme, and those people are just settling (as opposed to making healthy compromises). Hell, even being with a partner that may have an addiction or alcoholism might not be so unhealthy if they aren't hurting others (including you) in the process. We can still manage to be with someone like that - now cheating and infidelity are issues that are unforgivable in my book. I can come to forgive eventually AFTER we have parted and I realize that I merely made a bad choice in the type of woman. Hey, it happens. If I "picked a winner" every time, I'd only have ever had one relationship in my whole life. The thing is to learn from the mistake and move on - aiming in a different direction next time. If I choose to stay with someone that's hurting or harming me though and trying to tell everyone else it's okay and everything is just peachy then I'm volunteering for it and I'm also in denial. Denial is almost like a mental illness in and of itself because when in such a state, a person can actually get to a point where he / she actually believes the situation really IS okay - even great. They see no other way - they lose sight of the fact that they have a choice. They feel like they "must" be with this person for whatever reason(s). It's kinda like the way an alcoholic defends his / her drinking and lifestyle, even when they're on skid-row. They actually make themselves believe they're living "the big life". Sadly, the only person that can snap us out of denial is ourselves. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

Is it really such a big deal to give her my number first instead of vice versa? Posted: 5/24/2009 11:24:04 AM
Ran into someone recently that might be interested (in real life) so I gave her my card with my number on it. I asked her to call me and she said she would (but never did). Now granted this is only like the second time that has happened - other times those women were much more clearly interested and there was absolutely no doubt. This time was somewhat shaky - but I figured - what the hell? Now it's not really a major big deal to me - I will likely still be seeing her around - but it tells me that I read her wrong and she probably wasn't interested. It could also mean she thought I was arrogant or stuck on myself - not sure - whatever. To me it's the way I'd feel asking for a woman's number. In this case it seemed like there might be a spark so I took the lead - then placed the ball in her court rather than risk involvement pre-maturely. Let her decide since my feeling is I'd rather not be with someone I need to "convince". I want someone that knows she wants me too. I've commonly heard that the man should get her number first and I've tried this approach also with poor results (usually women that just liked me as a friend) so I feel placing the ball in their court isn't such a big deal - if she does call she's interested - if not nothing lost on my end. So, is it really that big a deal? Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

For the men: What is a submissive woman to you? How do you define submissive women? Please, I would like to know Posted: 5/24/2009 11:14:26 AM
For me - it's more about sex. I wouldn't want a woman who couldn't feel she could voice her opinion with me (whether I agree with it or not is another issue). I also have no time for a control freak - but if she wants to get a little dominant in the sack - I'm all for it. Mostly I prefer a woman who is more submissive sexually though. There is such a thing as too much of that also - when I start wondering if she's into it - because if she was she'd take the lead once-in-a-while. She'd be a little more aggressive sometimes. I like that too (in moderation - it simply makes me feel wanted / needed also). Just my feelings about it (based on experiences) Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

An idea about 'nudging' wifes who are not interested in sex. Posted: 5/24/2009 11:08:56 AM
First of all - a woman not interested in sex is like a man with no money / job - both are worthless to the other gender. Now that the cold hard truth is out there - what you plan to do about it is up to you. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

smokers and non smokers can they get on Posted: 5/23/2009 8:01:47 AM
I've dated non-smokers and yes it can work - if you both have some mutual respect and she doesn't mind it. I'm respectful of a non-smokers desire not to breathe in my second hand smoke so I keep it away. I was in a 1 yr relationship with a woman who didn't smoke and she never harped on it - I'd go outside to smoke as her rule was not in her apartment. My reason for ending it had nothing to do with my smoking and her not smoking either. We got on quite well for the most part. She just had some other issues that I couldn't see myself being able to deal with in the longer term. I think it takes some mutual respect and understanding. It takes someone who's values and principles aren't set in stone and concrete. I mean the way some people act about smokers is quite silly to me. Sometimes I feel like we may as well be heroin junkies with aids or something to these people who are so absurd about it. That's just silly. I've even seen alcohol cause more immediate devastation in a person's life than smoking ever would / did. In the long term though, yes it can kill (just not as quickly as Booze or Drugs do). I'd be more hesitant to date someone who drinks because "social drinking" could really mean "alcoholic". Alcoholism and drug addiction cause more immediate un-manageability and wreckage. People don't lose a job or nearly kill anyone else driving because they smoke a cigarette. The alcoholic never knows he / she is one themselves which is the denial of the disease of addiction. They just believe their life is perfectly okay. It's a nasty habit, even I admit, but like any addiction - I won't stop until I'm ready ("tried" to "quit" 3 times already - I'm just not ready - didn't want it enough yet). It's definitely an addiction, otherwise I'd just stop. Like any addiction - nobody else is going to make me quit either, it never works like that. I have to want to for me. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 189 (view)

How do you tell a someon you don't find them attractive? Posted: 5/23/2009 7:18:00 AM
Ok, we all know that women get WAY more emails than the guys do. I can't possibly respond to everyone so I weed out the ones I don't think have potential and I answer the ones who do. When I see a photo of somebody who took the time to write to me and I find them unattractive or not my type, my current MO is to not write back at all. I know that's not a nice thing to do, but neither is telling someone they aren't attractive. How can I tactfully tell someone they aren't for me, that I don't find them physically appealing? Any thoughts out there? This is why I don't bother writing a novel on first contact. I do believe in sending out a generic "Hi, I liked your profile, lets chat" to women. If they don't reply, I just keep it moving. I'm not here to waste my own time (well, on the message boards I will - I'll admit). I'm not here to get all hung-up on one person when there's many to choose from. So it saves me any emotional involvement (which there would already have to be when a guy writes you such a "tome" for an initial message). This keeps it simple first. As for whether it's right or wrong for you to tell me you're not attracted to me / don't find me attractive - I wouldn't care because I didn't write you a "short story" telling you how amazing / beautiful / wonderful I think you are or whatever. I mean I don't even KNOW you yet. Save that stuff for after we hook-up and get to know each other. I'd consider you to be doing me a favor. Narrowing down the herd of prospects. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Whats the best way to approach a woman anywhere. Posted: 5/23/2009 6:53:57 AM
I'd say I disagree somewhat with learning to be more social - YES there is some validity to it. I tried practicing this a few years back - read a few books and just started changing my personality a whole lot. What generally happened was I ended-up with many women with a very passive / casual / platonic interest in me who all thougt I was just this real wonderful and amazing dude. Not the result I wanted. I suppose I'm an even "later bloomer" myself and it's not like I haven't been with women before, just never mastered the "skill" of dating / pursuit. I was even married (she was my first sex partner - which also is why I never dated / played the field either). The thing I will agree with is that it needs to stay a passive interest (as opposed to an active one). What my experiment ended-up building was an actual relationship with many women that were not attracted to me or interested in more than friendship. Therefor I do not suggest using the "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" books - for those who are just trying to meet and hook-up with someone. Even "Mars and Venus on a Date" wasn't much more than the original publication with very little info on connecting and metting or attracting the opposite sex. These books are great if you're ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP though and want to make it better, but not great for those who aren't in one yet and are seeking one out or are just looking to hook-up. They will not get you to home plate. They will not get you across the finish line. They will help you understand the differences between men and women and some things that will help in terms of social interaction. For example, women love attention. Thus, because I used these books as reference - I had too much of an active and genuine interest and pursued, while the women I pursued still had a casual interest and remained passive. They liked me, but not in the way I wanted them to like me. That was the mistake I made. What I concluded from that long-term experiment (I acted and practiced like this for over a year) is that it did not suit my needs. In the end I wasn't looking for more friends, especially not HOT female ones. I was looking for a lover. It did help me get out of my shell and break my shyness a whole lot though. It also gained me some social status in my current circle. In the end though after this backfired on me one too many times (which hurt a lot too), I had to back down and get back to being more reserved - more the introvert that I truly am. I just basically learned that I can't make myself into something that I'm not. I can't make me (an introvert) into an extrovert - extremely outgoing and gregarious. It's just not me. There is no formula for making any / every woman I am attracted to - attracted to me in return. It just doesn't work like that. No human being actually has the power to do so because everyone has free will. We do not possess the ability to control another persons heart and / or mind. We're human, not Gods. Sure it felt uncomfortable at first to try it (being more outgoing, life of the party, more gregarious, taking an interest in others, etc., etc.) - I knew that it would going in as anything new does. The thing is it never stopped feeling uncomfortable. I never grew totally comfortable with being the "life of the party" / "mister personality". Another thing I learned from that experiment is that some women THRIVE on attention - these are the types of women I generally am no longer attracted to these days (after conducting that experiment) - I want a home run - not to be sitting on the bench. The ones that thrive on attention just took my attention to them for granted. So they just placed me into the friends zone. I also learned that some women perceive it like a strange behavior. Like "what's he want from me". Many women avoid it, because they're smart enough to know what the true motive behind it is. They see that a man is playing a game with them. Some will take that game and take advantage of it. They'll see how far they can go and how much they can get out of you (the chump) first before letting you down HARD. Some just avoid it. The ones that avoid it I have classified as the relationship material ones. These are the ones that don't gravitate towards the middle of the group. They don't thrive on being in the middle of everything all the time, nor do they require lots of attention from everyone all the time. The ones who are often off by themselves at the party. Very reserved, not overly gregarious. These have generally brought me the most success because when they do receive some attention they have some genuine gratitude and appreciation for it. It's not a contest or a game for them. There's no competition nor is she be mis-reading my intent or just assuming I'm being "nice". This type of woman is where I prefer to place my interests and pursuits these days. It's not to suggest that any of the type I'm looking at are homely are unattractive (if they were I wouldn't even bother) just that they aren't in need of constant attention or too socially needy. Like myself, they do not feel a huge need to be social, outgoing or requiring validation at all times even in social gatherings. So NO learning to be the "life of the party" isn't going to get you what you want or more importantly what you need. You may learn about what you need from trying though as I did. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 16 (view)

lack of emotion Posted: 5/22/2009 4:40:02 PM
I gotta concur with what BigDaddy posted also. It's not that we feel or don't feel what they think we feel (if that makes any sense - if it does --good-- because I'm still trying to figure it out) - it's the things you say, the little expressions of validation. You're armed and ready if you can separate the actual emotion from the words you utter to her. The sweet "nothings" that women need to hear sometimes. This is more a slight of hand to be honest. No, it's not about being phony if you know she's the one, it's about being nice. I used to actually invest the emotion behind those words and that's where a guy can get into deep sh_t. Possibly setting himself up for a world of hurt. Setting oneself up for lots of co-dependency and so on. Then we hear from women that they want us to be "men"and they want us to be "strong" - yet they also want us to show emotions. It's tricky to actually "be" - "both" (at best). Better off to be able to say the appropriate things (being nice to her) and just know she's the one, then invest too much emotion into it. It sounds "cold", but then she'll turn around and want you to be strong for her which will be impossible if your a blubbering mass of emotion(s). I'm not sure when I learned that lesson myself, it's occured to me recently (in the past few years). When I'm actually in the emotional state, I can lose control of myself. I must maintain that level of self control necessary to manage myself and my life too - that means not getting too wrapped-up emotionally into anything or anyone. Again, knowing my limits and boundaries and seeking those that respect them. A good woman will be happy enough to hear the words regardless of whether you actually always back them up with feelings 100% of the time. It's just like we want to hear our women say the right things to us too - we do require some validation at times also - even if they're just telling us what we want to hear. We either choose to believe it's true and they speak the truth or not. I like to take things at face value today and not try to read hidden meaning into anything anymore. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

lack of emotion Posted: 5/22/2009 4:21:37 PM
I do tend to prefer to be on an emotional even keel at all times. I stay away from people, places things and situations that may cause too many ups or downs - for me, my sobriety DEPENDS on it and THAT is the most important thing in my life - or I won't have a life (been there, done that). When I was drinking and living like a "rock star" (in my mind anyway) - I had a very "dry" personality - wouldn't show emotion, would avoid conflict, then I'd go home lock the door close the shades and get drunk off my ass for the whole weekend. That's not healthy either. Bottling-up emotion isn't healthy, neither is letting your emotions rule you. There's a balance between the two. You must learn your own limits and boundaries and not be afraid to enforce them and stay within them. It's important to have people in my life that respect those limits and boundaries also. I didn't start to learn how until I cleaned-up my act. I didn't start to truly grow-up until then. In some ways I'm not so different emotionally from the way I used to be, the difference is that I'm not afraid to "feel" and show my emotions with the right people - people I trust and know very well. I did go through a "phase" in my earlier recovery where I was almost on a "pink cloud" of emotional bliss. Everyone I know in recovery goes through that phase too (at least the ones who stick and stay do) - when I fell down off that cloud - it REALLY HURT!! But I did not drink or seek another "escape from reality". I learned there's such a thing as being too emotional also. I learned the I can get "high" on my emotions and that's not good either. It's just another escape from reality, from reason and logic from what's right in front of me. Feelings aren't facts!! I learned I must have balance. I also know when I'm going overboard and my emotional barometer is inappropriate to the situation(s) or circumstance(s). I cannot control my feelings - only the way I react to them. The human ego plays a huge role in so much of this. Shedding the ego has been a process I've been going through since I got sober nearly 6 yrs ago. No, I don't feel you are entirely wrong either - just that you can be a little more at ease emotionally around your spouse or significant other. That's someone you should be able to express yourself with more openly than say - your boss or co-workers. Just my 2¢ Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Agree to disagree or... Posted: 5/22/2009 8:35:15 AM
We would have to agree that without honesty, trust, faithfulness, loyalty and mutual respect there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. 100% agreed. These aren't complicated values and principles either. There are variations of each, and there is commonality with specific issues, but I believe many tend to complicate the crap out of relationships. Like someone told me one --> Keep it simple (stupid). Everything in life is what you make it. Don't sweat the small stuff. If you want to be loved, you have to be willing to love in return. If you want to receive, you have to be willing to give in return. I think it's also important that we learn to love ourselves first. If we don't love ourselves first then we cannot give what we do not have. We also invite others to mis-treat us when we don't love ourselves FIRST. When we DO love ourselves, we aren't afraid to place our wants and needs out there for all to see and be up-front, direct and honest about them, even if that means we go our separate ways. I have found there are minor issues which I can disagree with a partner on. She could have a different religion even, different political views (provided she's not too far to the right). The stuff I must have is someone who likes the same kind of music (yeah seems superficial but it's VERY important to me), someone who enjoys the outdoors and nature versus going to clubs and city night life, the same level of maturity (while still maintaining SOME child-like playfulness - in moderation). If I can still respect her views and tastes then we're okay, if her views and tastes on certain things are too polarized / opposing / different / far-apart from my own, then we may not be. I've learned that while I can bend a little, I cannot bend over backwards as that is not a self loving act and I must always put the love of self first, even in relationships lest it become co-dependent. There must be a limit to how far I will bend. I've placed myself into situations where I bent way too far and it only ends up hurting myself. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

dirty pictures Posted: 5/22/2009 7:40:08 AM
Search online and find a really NASTY, UGLY pic of female privates or of a hermaphrodite & send them back to him & say "I just can't wait!" Do a google image search on "vagina" and "herpes" and send the worst/nastiest image back to him you can find!! Then write something like "I'm ready and waiting for you". Back on topic though; you might also consider if you aren't in any way coming across as-if you want men to send stuff like this to you. Check your personal profile or the images you're posting. I will speak very honestly here - the one with you in the HOT TUB just screams "come and get me boys". The one of you leaning over in the chair says: "hey guys - look at my boobies" - also, not so great either. Granted, I know better, but lots of guys take stuff like that to mean "I want your c_ck -please send me images of your wang". I'm just sayin'. Unless you're just posting this whole thread for attention - in which case all those images of you are deliberate and you're just "complaining" for attention also. I'm not suggesting YOU are (only you would know the truth about that one), but many do come here and post such nonsense. I, for one, will never understand a woman's need for this. I guess it feeds the ego or something. Just my 2¢ Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 267 (view)

Only 17% of American (USA) women like giving oral sex? Posted: 5/22/2009 7:26:16 AM
Austria huh? I think I need to go get fitted for some Lederhosen and start singing "Edelweiss". I'd love to know how they conduct these studies and where. I mean some of these things are just stupid. I have known more women when I was younger that were not as into giving oral. I would say that was more due to their own inexperience and / or lack of willingness to try new things. These days, being with women in the 35 - 45 range, I don't seem to run into that. Most women have also told me they enjoy it and that giving oral (not just receiving it) actually gets them hornier. One even mentioned to me that it lets her feel how hard it's going to be in her which also added to her excitement and anticipation. I could relate to that because I get excited from giving oral to a woman also, even if it's just me going down on her. Many women get very worked-up from giving oral. Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

a moral dilemma Posted: 5/22/2009 7:12:59 AM
It's funny because I just went to see the new Star Trek movie with a buddy of mine - I keep thinking about how the young Jim Kirk cheated to pass the Kobiyashi Maru test. Not giving away plot points here since they do hint at this stuff in the older "Shatner" movies also (Wrath of Khan). The guy who passed the test you're speaking of basically did the same - altered the possible answers / outcome to suit all his own needs and still help the old lady too. Very quick / ingenious / sneaky thinking. However, I still consider that cheating. I would have stuck with the RULES (choices) of the test and helped the old lady - because - the old lady needs the MOST help. The friend who once saved my life is likely capable of managing on his own (for the sake of argument I'll assume he's also in good health, around my age, etc., etc) - as for the "woman of my dreams" - in my experience(s) - being instantly attracted to someone --IS-- just like waiting for a bus, there will ALWAYS be another one to become "instantly attracted to" in a few minutes. There is no point in being upset over missing one. Just my 2¢ Mike

mikem1968

Joined: 11/3/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

Playing games .... Posted: 5/21/2009 7:46:13 PM
A good relationship is like holding an egg. If you squeeze too tightly it just breaks and the inside slips right through your fingers. If you hold it too loosely, it may wobble out of your hand and then it's no longer yours. You just have to learn how to hold an egg and all your relationship problems will be solved!! Mike

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