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rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 411 (view)

Are women satisfied with American men? Posted: 6/26/2008 8:21:14 PM
Hmm Hmm. I think I somewhat know "both sides" as I myself am a naturalized American citizen for many years. I do think the scenario when a woman "imports" a man from another country is rarer (but I have heard about a couple, often based on common ethnicity or religious background) than when a man does it. I do think that inherently women are lot more adaptable socially, so oftentimes they "make do" with what's available (i.e. locally available men) instead of entertaining a risky proposition of getting someone from abroad. However "equal" we are, it is still more understandable and acceptable if a man ends up being the main breadwinner (which is almost inevitably the case if he gets a foreign wife, until she adapts and is able to contribute). As for satisfaction with American men.. They (overall) have a lot of admirable qualities - more than not American men are really good fathers even after the divorce and they do care about their kids from previous marriages. Most can cook and clean and run the house for themselves, at least passably. Many are softer, kinder and better with expressing their emotions. Less aggressive and more polite. On the negative, the above qualities are sometimes take the form of the extremes: too obsessed with kids and "being a good father" to the detriment of anything else in their life. Allowing themselves to become ex-s doormat because of the kids. They mature a lot later it seems (that, however, applies to both genders in America). It's funny to me when a 25 yo is being referred to as a "kid" - to me by the age of 25 it is supposed to be a pretty mature individual. Many Am. men (not playahs) don't really have any idea of courtship - how to treat a woman they are interested in as a WOMAN, not a pal. I have been confused several times - could not understand if a guy was interested or just friendly - turns out he WAS interested, but never expressed it in a manner that clearly showed his romantic inclinations. But I suppose we have all the feminist indignation with door-opening to "thank" for that. Instead of actually ~pursuing~ a woman that caught their interest and putting ~some~ effort in courtship, they seem to have rather benevolent attitude. They "go with the flow" and end up with a woman that pursues them - usually more aggressive, demanding , manipulative type.. and then they are surprised that she's that way? Duh... Also, since the life here is so easy for a single person, many become "eternal bachelors" - they don't have any incentive or desire to be in any sort of emotional relationship or an attachment with a woman. My take anyway...

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

What makes me attractive to men not in my age range? Posted: 6/26/2008 1:56:52 PM
I think it is even more pronounced in late30-s early 40s age group. Last few years I noticed that I have "admirers" from much younger or much older age groups than my own. Once asked a younger guy who was flirting with me why is that - he said that women of his own age "don't know what they want" yet, not as secure, confident and stylish as women who are a little older. As for attracting much older men.. well, that is self explanatory The other thing it may be pure demographics - seems there are simply fewer available late 30s-early 40s men than men of other age groups. In this age range they are already married and not yet divorced

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 74 (view)

Advice on Break up Posted: 6/20/2008 5:41:11 PM
from what OP described.. the girl is a player, but he's all too willing to be played. Practically begging for it. He'll probably go on and on, then she will chew him up and spit him out.. and 10 years from now he'll be a bitter woman-hater posting in forums that all women are sluts, manipulators and players.. Just because he chose to waste his time and affection on one rotten apple.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 149 (view)

Should I Avoid Messaging Professional Women/Women That Make More Money Than I? Posted: 6/13/2008 8:35:42 PM
Post #148. I would love to think that this is as simple as you say. Maybe it is, for a 25 yo marrying 55 yo guy for money. For most late30-early 40s crowd making their own living.. I don't think it ALL based on money THAT way - i.e. "exchange" looks and youth for money and status. I have a career, make income in upper 10% statistically, and I would be reluctant to get involved with someone who makes less then half for a number of reasons.. some stem from prior experiences (guy not wanting to really work and just to use me as a meal ticket) - that's a bad case.. There are a ton of honest decent hardworking guys, nothing against them, and I have met quite a few... but from what I have observed, if they are not in the similar educational-social-professional situation, finding commonalities beyond the bedroom are hard. Inherently he'd enjoy different hobbies, interests and pastimes than I would. Not saying his are worse and mine are better, just different. Inevitably these differences create awkwardness.. What do you do as a couple? I want to go on a European vacation.. can guy making less than half of my income afford it? Maybe not. So what do I do - don't go on vacation, or opt for going camping with him? (don't get me wrong, I DO go camping.. and bicycling .. and hiking.. and so on). But how many times do I have to forgo what I'd really want to do as a couple in order to make him feel better? I like skiing.. not a cheap proposition either.. So what do I do - time after time go by myself? That does not feel good either, because I'd like to do things with my significant other. How about friends? Family? I can go on, but I am sure the point is quite clear. It is too easy to explain it away by woman being "bad" - materialistic and snobbish.. In reality she may just know that things have better likelihood of working if the parties have more in common. Which they unlikely to if they are from social-income-educational-professional situations that are too far apart. Exceptions happen, but they are just that - exceptions.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 144 (view)

Should I Avoid Messaging Professional Women/Women That Make More Money Than I? Posted: 6/13/2008 2:54:25 PM
Indeed it is more about the social circle that money per se. However the two correlate more often than not (example above of a lawyer/cleaning person) . Even when the amount of money isn't an issue - some tradesman/woman may be making more money than a university professor however most likely they'd have very different interests and be in very different social circles..

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 69 (view)

Advice on Break up Posted: 6/13/2008 2:50:08 PM
If you get through this.. later you will pat yourself on the back, sigh a sigh of relief and say to yourself "whew, that was close.. what was I thinking?".. Doing the right thing more often is a lot harder than doing a wrong thing.. best of success.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 142 (view)

Should I Avoid Messaging Professional Women/Women That Make More Money Than I? Posted: 6/13/2008 4:28:50 AM
Dating and love shouldn't have anything to do with finances, ha ha. and people always SHOULD look at the inner person and not the outer appearance, and people always SHOULD be honest, faithful, loyal, play no games, do what they say and say what they think. People SHOULD not divorce over frivolous reasons, parents always SHOULD put children's interests first... Etc etc etc. Feel free to continue the list... The repeating thing here is should. Should is not how things are in the real world more often than not. I do strongly maintain that money, career, background and occupation has a LOT do do with dating in real world, not "should" world. And especially if the dating situation evolved into a relationship. Big disparity in those areas pretty much dooms a relationship to become nothing more than a short term fling.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 83 (view)

Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!! Posted: 6/12/2008 1:54:47 PM
thread was not about anyone but women who want to have kids by AI on their own.. But of course that applies to anyone...

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 81 (view)

Girlfriend’s Kid by Artificial Insemination---No Dad was Wanted!!! Posted: 6/12/2008 1:33:15 PM
Coming form a different background.. I may have an unorthodox of non-politically correct view on some things including this one. In my observation, having kids in American society has become, in a way, another means to "keep up with the Joneses". It's like people feel they "have to have" a house.. a certain asset.. and now - a kid to "fit in" and be "not worse than anyone else". Too often I have seen (and heard) that quite openly women were being anxiety-ridden because their younger sis or girlfriend younger already had a kid and they have not. It sounded like a status symbol or a fashionable accessory that they "must have" to feel on par with other women in the neighborhood.. club.. or whatever. Some, I even heard, wanted to have a kid (or a second one) so they can have some friends among other Mommys in the neighborhood and socialize. To be "like everybody else". Sometimes these motives are not explicitly stated but veiled by various more acceptable euphemisms like biological clocks ticking, "oh but's that sooooo cute" etc. The length to some people are willing to go just to do it even if their circumstances are not really conducive astounds me.. and makes me think it's selfish. A press story about a woman with cancer deciding to have a baby (yeah, a couple of years down the road she may not be among the living and there may be one more parentless kid in the world). And leave her widower with not only unsurmountable medical bills, but a kid to raise while he's trying to pay them...Everyone applauds her bravery.. I personally think it's pure selfishness. Same (but maybe not so drastic of an example) in my view applies to women who deliberately choose to have kids "just for themselves". I subscribe to the notion that ideally kid(s) should have a functional family - Mom, Dad - hopefully the ones that are not too busy or self absorbed to actually RAISE the kids instead just feed them, bribe them with toys and ship them off to school or nanny. Granted divorces happen, or one of the spouses can die and a kid can be left with only one parent, but that's a different story. I do not think that everyone MUST HAVE kids at any cost, especially as there are so many ones waiting for adoption. Love kids and cannot wait to raise, teach, and guide them? Become a foster parent.. Volunteer.. Big brother-big sister..You name it. This would be truly out of unselfish motive.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

I have a problem accepting some women as equals (can't respect them). Posted: 6/8/2008 3:55:25 PM
reality of life is - people are visual creatures, men especially. And there will be a number of women here who will give OP numerous examples how they were bypassed and overlooked and dumped by guys (even though these were good hearted, humorous, kind, etc etc women) while the same guys tirelessly chased some empty headed, trashy, dumb but ~good looking~ chick. Are women supposed to respect men who seem to think (and see) with only you-know-what? Goes both ways you know. Another point - why is that people seem to think that it has to be either-or??? If a person is nerdy or in bad physical shape, he/she's expecting everyone to see and focus only on their inner qualities and goodness and overlook the obvious (appearance, shape, mannerisms, etc). They get indignant if the opposite gender prefers someone else.. Why? I am sure OP himself would prefer a hot lady over a plain one given both are receptive to his attention, and please don't tell me it's not so! Strange mixture of hypocrisy and indignation if you ask me...Why not work on oneself and be the best one can be in both ways - inside and out? Granted not all people are born handsome/beautiful, but be the best you can be.. without bitterness inside .. the rest will come.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 138 (view)

Should I Avoid Messaging Professional Women/Women That Make More Money Than I? Posted: 6/5/2008 9:04:31 AM
Should the OP message professional women? Sure why not. question is will he get resposnses he wants. Generally "like attracts like". Of course there are exceptions but exceptions they are!), but it all goes back to similarity of lifestyle, education level, interests, aspirations etc. 'Proximity and similarity", as they taught in psychology class, are crucial for a working relationship (be it dating or just friendship) Proximity is quite obvious - hard to maintain a relationship with someone 3K miles away. Similarity - when backgrounds, upbringing, education levels, interests, culture (even income and occupation perhaps) etc come into play. Has nothing to do with being snobbish or looking down at someone. People from different backgrounds/educational/professional levels usually have dissimilar interests and fav. pastimes. simple as that.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Advice on Break up Posted: 5/29/2008 1:59:24 PM
i did use protection last time. and have regular checks. I wouldnt dream of giving somebody else an std. last time? what about time before and time before that?and next time? regular health checks are good, but they alone won't prevent or cure it. OP, so what is it you want? be her "on-call" guy when she is in the mood for you? be her "knight in the shining armor"? be her listener to hear all about her risky escapades with other guys? Are you content with playing those roles? be cause she didn't cast you in any other. Get it? BTW.. Friends with benefits that she wants is a misnomer. It implies "friends". Will she be a friend to you if something happened? Or will she go off partying with the next guy? think about it. Like someone above said.. finishing sentences is not a cornerstone of a relationship. Wish it was, but it's not. Not saying she's a "bad person", but looks like she's not good for you at this stage of her life. which, by the way, may or may never change. Move on. Be safe. Good luck.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Advice on Break up Posted: 5/29/2008 12:39:45 PM
yah yah yah. That's what people often mistake for a REAL connection. While it is certainly charming and exciting, it by itself by no means indicates the viability of a real relationship. On the contrary (MY experience has been) that often such connections exist with people that are unsuitable/unavailable for the real sustainable viable relationship. That's how we got suckered in thinking that we have found something wonderful and one-of-a-kind and unique and whatever. But sadly, it's not gonna stop her from cheating on you even if you decide to go to GF/BF arrangement. Wanna try? By all means. Wanna walk in on her doing it with another guy someday? Fight, break up, get together again, repeat. It's going to be anything but boring, in fact it will be a rollercoaster that will exhaust you and burn you out and make your life mess. but don't come running later and posting on here that love of your life cheated on you with some dude she met in the bar or took of with all your money or gave you an STD. Because any of THOSE are predictable outcomes. P.S. real, viable relationships are often less exciting but it is usually with a person whom you can TRUST and depend on. In big things and small. Who already had ~their~ life on track and do not need to be rescued from themselves. P.P.S. You got a lucky break and you don't even know it. She broke up with you - if you walk away now , some time later you will finally be able to see clear and sigh a breath of relief and THANK her for breaking up with you. Good luck in any case.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

Advice on Break up Posted: 5/29/2008 12:19:16 PM
It is not so important what you TELL. It's what you DO. Get outta there. Why oh why would you need a wh**ring alcoholic as a GF? You think she's gonna change coz of ~your~ good influence? Not going to happen. Your self esteem is that low that you think you cannot do better? NEWSFLASH for you - may be hard to believe, but she's not the only one on the planet who's' good in bed. Find someone who's good in bed AND good in their life direction. Are you into role-playing? playing a role of a knight in a shining armor trying to save someone? Snap out of it and don't forget CONDOMS, man. otherwise few months from now we will all be reading heartbreaking posts about how she "tricked" you into fatherhood and about "evil" women or some such.

rnbf

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

Advice on Break up Posted: 5/29/2008 12:09:43 PM
Geez, OP -you are 25, not 15.. and completely clueless. Next thing you will be raising HER kid fathered by someone else(and you will be told that it's yours), paying child support while she's having fun self-destructing. If you keep running to her every time she calls at least buy an wholesale-size pack of condoms and USE THEM with no exception.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

FOUND A RARE BREED: A GOOD MAN! Posted: 5/15/2008 1:16:35 PM
oh is this turning into another "good guy" thread? All i know that guys who insist that they are 'good guys" more often than not are only that in their own opinion. Sure, not being a convicted felon is a good start, but takes more than that to define a "good " or 'nice" guy. If a person is good, they don't need to say it - it's self evident via their attitude, behavior and actions. as for the statements that women only pay attention to hunks - so do men, many go only for looks, and certain looks at that. Why all of us (men, women) try to be best we can be (inside and out), instead of lamenting that a goregeos lady(guy) doesnt' pay attention to an average person(complainer) of opposite gender. I have chatted/met so many guys with 'requirements" (that I have exceeded by far) ...- like the woman must be pretty, thin, this and that - whilst they were themselves nothing to write home about and could use a ~lot~ of time in the gym. So all the guys with all this "nice guy gets no attention" stuff.. look at yourself and your own actions .. maybe you also gave no attention to a good but average looking lady.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

Is my experience typical? Posted: 5/15/2008 11:07:22 AM
True. But there are no guarantees, near or far. And if you already thinking of "looking in vain".. then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Have to tell you I was really turned off by a guy who contacted me (!), asked if we can have a cup of coffee together, and asked where I lived ( 30 mins away). And when I said where he said. "ohh.. hmm.. you are too far". Why contact a person in the 1st place if one thinks that 20 miles is too far?? Granted we all have personal limits, but I think for most 30-60 mins is not unreasonable, esp. if the drive can be split. It would take more than that just to get across town of the same city in larger metropolitan areas, even living within same city limits.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

I don't need a website to find mr right. Posted: 5/15/2008 6:40:42 AM
Hmm. It's just one of the places to look. Granted, you have to sift through a lot more when it comes to Internet just to ~meet~ a decent normal person (whether he/she will or will not turn out to be your Mr/Ms Right). Everyone always says - be out there, interact withe people, do activities etc. Which is, in my case, I am very active, being member of various clubs/activities/church etc. I saw my friends meet someone great right off the bat at some club function and form a relationship, however I myself am yet to meet anyone via all those venues that would spark any kind of romantic interest. Sorry to say, seems in my age bracket guys are just not as active and outgoing, I just don't see as many as there are women involved in all those things. So this leaves me the Internet, and sifting through multitudes...Good or bad, it's reality.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 249 (view)

Would you date someone on antidepressants? Posted: 5/14/2008 7:55:52 PM
I have dated someone who was later diagnosed bi-polar.. But actually seems there was BPD there too. He tried some antidepressants here and there - prescribed by family practitioner, not a specialist, after the family insisted that he needs to be "evened out" because everyone was tired of dealing with unpredictable and his anger rages and depression bouts. He didn't stay on them though because I guess they didn't mix well with vodka. Having had that experience, I would not knowingly get involved with someone who requires those kinds of treatments or medications.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me! Posted: 5/14/2008 6:50:15 PM
Msg 25, OP, can I say - been there done that? Fantastic relationship, soulmates, in love, and everything (fill in the blanks). Plus, his parents adored me because they thought I was the only one who could keep him straight coz I didn't have any kinds of problems like that and had a lot of influence on him. Congratulations to you on your own turnaround. But do you think it is even safe for you to be around the person who may be dragging you down at some point, if he has a relapse? Many people understand they have a problem and say it, but yet still the problem is overpowering them, or they are in denial about the ~extent~ of the problem and its power over them. If you want to set yourself up for a life time of walking over the abyss, instability, unpredictability, drama - then by all means, do it. Of course, I know it is also mixed up with unbelievable passion, connection, being best friends, etc etc. You can live on passion and drama and emotional rollecoaster a while. Then you either spiral down to becoming emotional wreck or get out. I made my choice - that living an unpredictable life, having too much of his drama, ups and downs was not for me. Of course the choice is yours to make, but from what you described - odds ae not good. You may find yourself posting here again after living in turmoil 10 years of your life and ~still~ coming to the same result. Despite what poems and songs say.. love does not conquer all. Many blessings....

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me! Posted: 5/12/2008 9:19:42 PM
maybe his mother hating you is a blessing in disguise. Get out. Forever being a "support person" to a "forever recovering" addict is not an enviable life.. Is it worth it? Or you just want to be a martyr to have some "meaning" in your life and fight on against the odds?

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 92 (view)

Should I Avoid Messaging Professional Women/Women That Make More Money Than I? Posted: 5/12/2008 8:39:27 PM
OP, well, I would say you pretty much answer your own question. And it's not about how much money they make per se (they don't need yours to get by) or the prestige they need to derive from a man, it's the activities and pastimes that they often enjoy due to their education/opportunity/income. Not because they are condescending or snooty, but maybe they just like the sports /activities /interests that require certain amount of time (and, at times, money) to participate. And they also prefer to spend time with someone who shares many of the same activities/pastimes etc. For instance, if a lady like that likes to travel the world during her vacations (which is pricey), you probably won't be able to afford to go on vacations with her. If she is into opera.. are you? If not, then it is not conducive to a working relationship. Not always, but ~most~ of the time there's a certain correlation between occupation/position and person's interests and inclinations. I know people will jump at me saying PC stuff like money/education level/career ~should not~ matter when it comes to ~love~, but it does - at least in those aspects, and this is reality of life.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

The Ex shows up Posted: 5/12/2008 8:28:40 PM
custis, not at all. I am not saying that she is deliberately lying either. Just people perceive (and interpret) things differently. And especially if emotion comes into play - it colors the story. That's all I am saying.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 165 (view)

Is dating during separation cheating? Posted: 5/12/2008 4:32:32 PM
However, just because of the separation is it still cheating if he sees others besides her? why does OP care? is OP concerned about him cheating on the woman he had an affair with? he's already a cheat - cheated on OP while still being with her...So if he's doing more of the same.. Duh... My ~personal~ opinion that nothing good comes out of dating while still in separation (not properly divorced and healed). Unless all OP wants is a "roll in the hay" and ego boost.. then by all means.. Just find some NSA-seekers and be clear about your situation and intentions. .

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

The Ex shows up Posted: 5/12/2008 4:25:11 PM
whilst everyone is jumping on the bandwagon of how crazy/immature/unbalanced/controlling the fiance is, remember we are hearing just one side of the story, in OP's rendition. We don't know if the fiance is a "little" irate because OP's relationship with the ex- maybe a little too amicable to the point of being cozy. I have known a person in a situation like that (her hubby was on too good of terms with his ex-). Guess what - he ended up going to his ex- when the relationship with the current spouse (my acquaintance) got a little rocky....So one never knows.. Just playing devils advocate here.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 56 (view)

Been married for 20 years, feel empty. Posted: 5/12/2008 3:09:59 PM
And then people of both gender starting threads virtually every day how they come on here and other website hoping to find the right match.. and all they keep running into is marrieds who are still fishing around and justify that by being miserable in their current situation and get involved with someone and then either not go through with it, just get an ego boost and then return to their spouse and family. Would OP want to be someone's rebound ego-booster gal? I don't think so - she's hoping fro Mr Right. But what will end up happening is couple of things: she will be used by the likes of her (men just looking for a quick "consolation") and in her wake she will leave a trail of disillusioned bitter men who were decent but who will think that all women are out there to mess with their heads and don't know what they want.. Would you want to meet/date men like that? What goes around comes around. While I can sympathize with financial/kids part, I cannot really take it as justification for dating while still married. Yeah, been on another side of that equation - heard it all - from a guy - all about his "hapless" "loveless" empty marriage, and how he only stuck around for the sake of kids and finances, and how he didn't love his wife anymore and they slept in different rooms.. blah blah blah...all the tear jerking stories meant to elicit compassion and understand how his situation is "different" . Guess what - it's not. What a convenient "noble" excuse. It's same ole plain trying to have your cake and eat it too AND feel good and justified about doing it, no matter how you try to explain it away. What I just described sounds like male version of OP. Would OP want a guy like that to be her Mr. Right? I doubt. Do the ~right~ thing, and all will fall into place. Plain and simple.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Been married for 20 years, feel empty. Posted: 5/11/2008 7:36:18 PM
agree - going on a dating site while still married is not a good idea.. You consider yoursel Christian, what happened with "do unto others?.." or rather don't do unto others something that you don't want to be done to you? Would you want your still husband to be frequenting dating sites? Nobody "cheated" you out of anything (unless you were forcefully married to you husband). You made choices - every choice has a price whether you like it or not. where we are in life is a direct result of our choices. When you accept that, you will be more in control of your life. So make the wise choices now... P.S. Just to let you know - there's no Mr. Right, you ought to know at your age. It's myth. Santa Claus isn't real either. Life is simpler and at the same time more complex than that. Are you yourself the ~right~ person, in a right state of mind to be able to attract into your life the ~right~ person for you? answer that question first...and all the rest will become clear.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Is my experience typical? Posted: 5/11/2008 6:34:45 PM
Yes and no. I can concur with your experience of people who are too far away writing - I guess it's in human nature to think that grass is always greener someplace else (i.e far away - in my case I often get emails from several states away). I have to say however that 1 hr drive away is NOT far away in my view, after all, you are looking for a right person, not for a convenience store that has to be in closest proximity. The other thing - it does take time and patience. A right 'match" is hard to find, be it online or via friend/family/any other means. Add the fact here that majority of people on the websites (esp. free ones!!!) are not there to look for serious relationship potential - they are here for entertainment, passing time, ego boost, virtual "romance", and any number of other reasons, as well as most are not really "available" - either legally (married), emotionally (already involved or not ready/able to have a real life relationship), or misrepresent themselves and therefore don't really plan to meet anyone in real life (because then their distortion of the facts will become obvious). Believe it or not, but oftentimes women do not get responses when they write men too, or, if they do, they get a few niceties back and forth, but nothing really comes out of it (for the reasons above). So take time, have patience and exercise caution... Good luck

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Help! Should I send her this message? Posted: 5/10/2008 9:28:56 AM
OP -Once you are past teenage years, it's a good idea to AVOID involving friends, relatives (of either party) when trying to sort out a relationship issue (unless there's a physical threat or something like that). So IMO it's NOT a good idea to write letters to her friend. The more people get involved - the more it becomes open to mis-interpretations and "he said-she said" and opinions and twists the other people introduce, as well as unnecessary drama. That is, on top of the fact that two adults ~should~ be able to figure it out themselves... On a side note.. If a lady you are seeing has low self esteem and so on and so forth, and the relationship has been foiled from the get-go by the behavior of a "friend" of yours (who seemingly has been encouraged to act as ~more~ than a platonic friend by YOUR behavior), perhaps it is better to learn a lesson and move on... Best of success...

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Last Girlfriend Hanging On... Posted: 5/8/2008 12:37:10 PM
Seems like it's too early to get involved with him. Sorry to say, but you hear mostly his side of the story. You don't know what really goes on and why she's hanging on so ferociously .. maybe because he gives her incentives by saying something that she interprets as a possibility when you are not around? And if her stuff is really still in his house... Hmmm.... I have heard guy asserting that they are "over" the ex and no more, and then I got an email form so called ex-gf claiming this and that. Question is - how would the ex- still have access to his email? Same here - how come her stuff is still in his house? In any case, I'd steer clear.. if it's been only 6 weeks, and even if everything he says is true.. still...seems more trouble than it's worth. What is so great about him that you are willing to deal with all that drama, and may I say, humiliating distasteful circumstances surrounding him? Is he a last man on Earth? NEXT!!!!

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 138 (view)

Would you date someone on antidepressants? Posted: 5/8/2008 12:30:46 PM
NO. Relationships are difficult enough even without complicating circumstances. he/she may be perfectly OK when on their meds, but if they decide to get off of their meds.. who knows. Been there done that, who needs to live in a world of unpredictability.. when you don't know whether you are going to walk into hugs and kisses, or an unprovoked anger rage?

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 26 (view)

Tired of all TALK no ACTION Posted: 5/5/2008 11:00:52 AM
It happens plenty - more than not - at first I felt dismayed and disappointed quite a bit. BUT REMEMBER: this is internet, and FREE site at that - so all the married people looking for imaginary lovers and friends, all the misfits, all the people misrepresenting themselves and just looking to pass time are on here... Of course they will disappear if it comes to meeting anyone face to face - they never intended that in the 1st place!!! Every week there's a thread posted by someone who developed a wonderful "relationship" over email/chat or even phone.. and lamenting where did a guy/gal go, why did they disappear after they became so "close" and shared so much in common. People, DO NOT put much stock in online chats/"connections" etc. They are NOT relationships.. You are talking to virtual personas, not real people...Until they are IN PERSON and overtime, don't treat them as "promising", don't invest all your time and energies in one prospective connection, and don't feel surprised when they disappear when the question of meeting in person arises...And of course don't lament if they disappear - good riddance - the non-serious flakies just eliminated themselves... That's why my personal position is that if someone in 2-3 weeks of chat/email/phone calls makes no effort to meet - NEXT (delete email, block IM, erase phone #). My time is too valuable to waste entertaining some "unhappy" married guy wanting virtual thrill and a chat buddy. Happy everyone

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 71 (view)

a racist slur from someone your dating....what do you do? Posted: 2/14/2008 9:04:05 PM
OT: on stereotypes. Stereotypes exist because they are true a lot if not most of the time. And people please put aside your indignation and acknowledge that a LOT of time black women are indeed loud (or much louder than their white/asian counterparts), that born-again christians are often intolerant or preachy, that Americans as a nation are overweight, Russians like to drink etc etc etc. We can with a straight face insist it's not so, but most of time it is indeed so . Doesn't excuse calling people names, but I find it laughable when people try to deny the obvious with straight face. Sorry to be the one saying that "the king is naked" among all this PC indignation.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

Would you date someone who had a vassectomy or their tubes tied? Posted: 2/11/2008 7:21:37 AM
I was having an opposite problem - running into guys in their 40s who wanted to have kids. It was "huh??? what???", but hey, to each his own. My decision not to was years in making.. I'd prefer someone who has no desire/ability to have kids, so I do not have to worry about them changing their mind(midlife crisis or something)...

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Why is he doing this? Posted: 1/26/2008 7:13:15 PM
what happened to self respect? if someone condescends and messages you using f-words, why do you even bother... On another note.. he may have messaged you mistakenly, and then had to keep it up coz u replied. Block him, and don't question his motives. If it's a cell, it costs about $35 to change the number - well worth the price of peace of mind in my opinion. Some people want to have their cake and eat it too.. even if they don't need it. best wishes to you...

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

I chose to feed, sex and shelter him in the name of love. Posted: 1/26/2008 6:27:04 PM
should never be a chore, or a reward.. should never be begged for or bargained with. To me it is an expression of affection. Even if I feel a little sick or not in the mood, I do not turn my SO down. Initiation can and should come form both partners. On the other hand, in the past if my partner turned me down, and after a few times.. I lost interest and stopped initiating. Damage is done. While drive varies depending on current health condition, mood and stress level.. if it is consistently mismatched between the partners, I would not expect the things to get better if they don't work before the marriage...If people have too widely mismatched ideas and understandings of how things should be .. perhaps it's a big red flag and they are better off as friends than lovers/spouses. JMO

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

Married women Posted: 1/9/2008 8:16:40 AM
nature of internet. I don't know if there are accurate stats, but I think that MAJORITY of people on the dating sites are either married, or otherwise attached. Happens more often than not. Just need to be careful, I myself start to thinking about doing a background check before getting involved seriously or exclusively. I have heard there are some sites that for a fee run a check on you and keep it confidential, and same on your potential match. I'd like to know what that site is, I'd gladly pay for such service. I always get the whole.. we are getting divorced and yada yada .. lol kinda funny but i guess , but your right i should leave that alone when they say something like that. that's YOUR choice sounds like. "I am getting divorced" means exactly nothing to me personally. It's up to you to believe that nonesense or say NEXT! and if they are really divorced and have nothing to hide, they'd show you their papers (past a few dates). I would, have no problem with that. persoanlly, if they are vague about it, "in process", "separated" or even JUST divorced (less than a year) etc - I say "no thanks". Not worth the drama IMO.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 146 (view)

Best place to meet some one other then the Internet Posted: 1/9/2008 7:51:50 AM
depends on what "meet" means. Sure I see a lot of men in Lowe's/Home depot.. But often they there are either with wives, or contractor/laborer types it seems. Yeah, they look at me, but...Nothing wrong with that, but I'd prefer to meet a professional. Walmart - family guys with carts full of groceries, topped with diapers and baby formula. I do not think I ever actually "met" anyone like that. Couple of times guys started chatting with me and acted interested, but they were aparently very recent immigrants with broken English

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 1212 (view)

Must have job, car, house...are they after my cash? Posted: 1/8/2008 5:42:34 AM
As been said before, happens more often than people admit. I also think that often women don't admit that a man they met and liked was like that (looking to freeload). I am sure many ladies have come across "perpetual students", momma's basement dwellers and guys who endlessly "trying to find themselves" (i.e. have no real employment, direction in life and any real intention of getting those). And I am not talking about 20-somethings, I am talking about late 30s and 40s guys.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

One dimensional personalities/not alot of fun/Supermom Posted: 1/7/2008 9:45:04 AM
And hopefully an exiting woman to do them with. I'd suggest to develop you own pursuits or interests first and not expect that someone come into you life and make them for you and make your life for you. Otherwise that exciting woman won't stick around you for more than a couple of dates - even if you meet her.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

One dimensional personalities/not alot of fun/Supermom Posted: 1/7/2008 9:18:39 AM
It seems the following is very prevalent: 1) whining about all the wrongs the X- did, whining in general [aches/pains, moods, work etc], whining about the lack of money [how expensive dating is - and all we had was a coffee and a movie outing; if it's SUCH a strain, then either don't date, or invite your date to a no-cost activity like a walk, but DON'T whine]. Also I don't think anyone wants to listen repeatedly about how big child support is. 2)at a date I hear 200 times "my kid likes/loves [insert whatever]"; "me an my kid(s)"...Seems like every 3rd entence is about their kids. Kids are fine, but I am not dating someone's kids!!! Not everyone wants to hear the mentions of someone's kid(s) 200 times in one 2 hour date. What about YOUR life? 3) having no interests or "life" aside aforementioned kids, chores and TV. I was pretty open to dating someone who has kids [because realistically in my age range that would be majority] but now several experiences are making me rethink. But sevareal dates with a person and listening endlessly about kids activities/child support/lack of money/greedy X and hardly anything else[!] makes me fed up and not even want to explore a relationship possibility any further. Wonder how generally educated and "nice" people can be so zombied that thay have no life, have nothing to do/talk about, seemingly have no identity of their own. One dimentional personalities indeed.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 35 (view)

Russians & Sex Posted: 1/1/2008 10:24:41 PM
When I met them last Easter, it was hard not to notice that the women waited on the men. All the men had to do was to nod, and their plate was filled, their glass replenished, their shoes gotten (and I suspect that if they were at home, they would have even been shod by their women), etc... Ever the optimist, I'm hoping that the women become Americanized quickly! well THAT may be because this was a religious family, very traditional. While it is true that women deem it to be their duty to have guests served and catered to, in "secular" families it is not to a degree that you have described. I agree with thunderballs on his post.. Most FSU women love to dress up, look the best they can and look feminine and be complimented. sometimes maybe too much - many would not go out of the house without makeup. almost any event and you will see women wearing dresses, heels, hair done, makeup and jewelry. hardly anyone will show up wearing baggy shorts or frayed old jeans at a party. also sorry to say but it sounds like an =average= american-born caucasian woman does not compare well to an =average= FSU born woman in the intimacy department. sounds like many american women (and I hear that from how my friends relate their experiences) treat lovemaking as a favor they are doing a man. any woman can use sex as leverage with a man, but at least if it's not done as a reluctant favor, it is much more pleasant is it not?

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 55 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/19/2007 7:53:53 PM
Post 51. see orig post. Make plans for Sun to be confirmed on Sat and never call. call next week like nothing happened. But these are details, what i mean is overall pattern of behavior. To answer to other posters, some of these things were said on 1st dates, some - after few dates and even after asking to date exclusively. As I have said, this is a collection of expressions overtime.

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 49 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/19/2007 5:20:51 PM
1: if I say call me, call me. Do not wait 7 days, 4 months, or even 12 hours. give me a call in like 2 hours. next day was too late? we just talked for an hour, so tomorrow should hve been fine? 2: are you busy tomorrow, if not... lets do something! what if I am busy tomorrow? but free on Sun which is clearly stated? Too late? 3: I'm interested in you, Let see what will happen. Ditto. So let's see, don't just disappear on me!

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 48 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/19/2007 5:17:15 PM
OK, I've learned in this thread that women DON'T want guys to say nice things to them. Or compliment them. Or in ANY way be nice at all. Wow! What an eye opener! Yall are right! How lame is that?! just the opposite. You can be nice without misleading. Every compliment is 10 times more pleasant if it's MEANT and not just a lip service. Is it "nice" to say one thing but do / mean another?

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 47 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/19/2007 5:14:14 PM
post 44 don't say it. I am not available 24/7. 2. I like you soooo much. don't say it. a man is characterized by actions, not words, so its useless to say... # 3. “ I always was attracted to women like you is big bullshxxxit as everyone is individual creature, so... get a REAL MAN, not rubbishman exactly. why say (and adamantly at that!) things you don't mean??? And where are the REAL men? I thought into late 30s and early to mid 40s men become more "real". But when I encounter this middle-school lingo/actions....

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/18/2007 6:22:05 PM
Two more "classics": Wed: Phone conversation. " I definitely want to see you this w/e. Just tell when will you have time? any time is good for me" - I : Sunday afternoon. " Ok, I will call you on Sat and we will firm it up". Calls up to Friday but NO call on Sat and of course no meeting on Sun. " My 2nd cousin/3rd aunt/brother in law got sick/died/had stroke. I am going to XYZ city to tend to that" - variations are endless. But emails during those days supposedly from the hospital/funeral/deathbed?

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/18/2007 6:11:18 PM
Thread is not about that is it? I can only think that I was not too overeager ( I have a "good, let's take it day by day, get to know each other and see how we mesh.. " attitude). And of course I don't chase them/call them etc other than one time when my VM is unreturned Please elaborate on " You can't be real " blowoff, I will add it to my dictionary

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 45 (view)

Best place to meet some one other then the internet Posted: 12/18/2007 5:50:16 PM
The studio that I take dance classes actually hosts socials (play music, people come to dance). Another studio I know host such socials/practices weekly. I have seen a lot of people go there, not an atmosphere of a club (they sell beer/wine, but no smoking and not as crowded).

RNBF

Joined: 11/13/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Man-speak and it's translation in dating Posted: 12/18/2007 5:44:03 PM
Who said that I would incessantly call them? Maybe other gals do.. But It was surprisong to me, after I bring myself to call maybe once (after many "please call anytime" invitations) have it to go to VM. After that no - more calls from me.... I have no prob whatsoever with a person not wanting me (when it comes to knowing what one wants). I have met people I didn't want to date/see anymore and if I was asked, I politely but unambiguously indicated that ( I believe it's handling things in the mature way). But what escapes me is why men (again, I don't date women) keep all that enthusiastic tone and excitement if they don't mean it? If you are not interested, don't say anything, or say something polite and lukewarm. It will be taken as a clue and no questions asked. That's why I do believe the translation is needed - because the meaning of the words is EXACTLY the opposite of the literal meaning. I am sure there are more to be added to the ambiguity dictionary, but these were the 1st that came to mind.

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