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prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 159 (view)

You are alone because you don't love yourself! Posted: 6/23/2008 7:57:19 PM
I never totally believed in this quote - "You have to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you". The main reason is that I know PLENTY of people who don't have much self-esteem nor love themselves much, YET they always seem to find others to love them, often unconditionally - GO FIGURE!!! How could that possibly be if the above quote were true?? Having said the above, I do believe that when you value yourself - whether that means truly loving yourself or not - then you will be a 'better' partner than if you didn't value yourself. Those who know themselves well, are selective, have self-esteem & confidence, and have their life in order - make better partners in my opinion, and have better relationships IF they are with the 'right' partner. As to the post question, I don't believe for one second that MOST of us are alone because we don't love ourselves. I know that I'm alone because I haven't been able to find someone that I'm attracted to who also has his life in order. I have had guys ask me out in the past year, but none were my type. I suppose I'll CHOOSE to remain alone, and at times be lonely, until I meet a guy whom I like and is my type, because I'm not willing to settle, like many that I know of .

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 238 (view)

Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that? Posted: 6/23/2008 4:03:45 PM
Msg #237 - In my experience, and my friends', we usually KNOW fairly quickly whom we want as a boyfriend and/or whom we are attracted to - and this RARELY changes over time! There are exceptions, of course, but I have personally never seen this 'change' with myself or my friends - so I think it's very rare. Attraction and chemistry, etc. is either there or it's not - and almost all of us know this to be true. YOU must have experienced this yourself (being 50) - that when you're NOT attracted to someone on a sexual/physical level, it usually does not change. So keep on dreaming and hoping - but I personally think you are living in "FantasyLand" - she would have made the 'moves' on you already if she wanted you as an intimate partner, especially since she has already given you good hugs - which does NOT mean that she wants anything else from you. You need to ACCEPT this and not wait around for her - but, of course, that is your choice. I agree with others that friendship can mean and be different things to different people - although I agree with someone else in this post who said that 'acquaintances' or people you rarely see, are not the same as friends whom you keep in regular contact. Also, a true friendship means that BOTH people get something from it - not just ONE person! I would not remain friends with anyone who was selfish, self-absorbed, dishonest, or 'used' me on a regular basis. Sometimes we need to be there completely for someone, but they should also reciprocate sometimes, and if they don't do that, then they are NOT 'real' friends. We have a right (at any time) to dissolve any friendship that we no longer find meaningful or to our enjoyment. We all have our own reasons for being friends with certain people, but if things change for the worse along the way - then we need to be smart and terminate the friendship - whether that be with a male or female! For instance, I ended a friendship with a guy who kept bugging me to go out with him - even though I was open and honest from the start and told him I was NEVER EVER going to go out with him. I ended the friendship and told him why - solely because he kept 'pestering' me - this was sad, because I did enjoy our friendship before he ruined things between us. I guess it's true that SOME people CANNOT be friends with the opposite sex!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 234 (view)

Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that? Posted: 6/23/2008 2:04:34 PM
Msg. #232 - If you feel USED because some women like your sense of humour - you have some MAJOR ISSUES to resolve within yourself. I don't think any woman would keep a guy around JUST because he's funny! There has to be more to the guy than that - so please don't insult our intelligence! Anyhow, who has the time to keep in touch with a guy just because he's funny? For me, a guy would have to offer a lot more than his sense of humour - like interesting conversation, at the very least! OP - give us women a break! We're more intelligent than you might believe. I think you're ASSUMING that (some) women want you around just because you're funny - although you may be right IF you DON'T have anything else to offer! P.S. Msg. #233 - you are so right and I don't respect women who drop their women friends as soon as they get a boyfriend. In addition, they want those same friends BACK once they are single again. Most men don't do that. That's one reason why I prefer male friends - they don't shove their friends aside - maybe at first when they start a new relationship, but this is usually temporary (unlike a lot of women I know).

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 229 (view)

Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that? Posted: 6/23/2008 12:26:58 PM
Msg. #228 - Well said (and written too), and I agree with almost everything you mentioned and understand where you're coming from - thanks for your comments. TIME is a factor for deciding whether to include more friends into one's life - female or male. I do want to add one point here - if a guy AGREED to be 'just friends' with a female, but did NOT want to hear about her dates or the frustrations of her being single, etc. - then the guy could stipulate that those topics are off-limits, and if the woman could not handle that - then the guy could easily end the friendship if she couldn't abide by his rules. I do believe it is harder (in most cases) for a man to be just friends (compared to women). I just want people to realize that having the option of hearing another gender's opinions, beliefs, and simply having good, interesting conversations with the opposite sex, can be extemely beneficial - and an enhancement - to one's life. Of course, if someone doesn't have the time or inclination to want the opposite sex as a friend - then they should not do so (just to please the other person). I personally enjoy having (varied) conversations with men - I've learnt a lot from them, and they have also learned a lot from me (they have said this to me). Some things are worth the TIME and EFFORT, and I actually wish I had more 'male' friends, because I LOVE MEN and value their opinions, their sense of humour, etc. etc. (I could go on and on)!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 225 (view)

Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that? Posted: 6/23/2008 11:02:07 AM
Msg. #224 - I guess there will always be SOME people who will 'USE' the opposite sex for certain things. Speaking for myself - I have never had a male friend take me out or pay for anything. I have had them ASK me to be their 'guest' at a wedding and that sort of thing, but - except for ONE time (on New Year's Eve) - no guy has ever paid for a meal for me or done 'free' work for me at my house (I PAY people who do things for me). Anyone who is observant enough will know fairly quickly who 'USES' the opposite sex for 'free' favours - whatever that may be. Many people who complain of having been 'used', allowed this to happen simply by NOT 'stopping' the person from behaving a certain way, and/or for not ending the friendship when they should have. That's my opinion.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 223 (view)

Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that? Posted: 6/23/2008 10:27:08 AM
Because us women don't have 2 heads and so we THINK with the one we have!! We can think logically, and not get a hard-on like you men do, and ultimately we can 'think' about the pros of being friends with the opposite sex - even ones we are attracted to. Males often think with the wrong head! If someone is a person we want to be friends with, we can often overcome the attraction factor so that we can be just friends - that is, if the guy doesn't want anything more. I'll admit that it IS difficult to be JUST friends when one is attracted to the other, but if you value the person and want to have them around, then this is possible - you just have to put your mind to it - and use the 'right' head (lol)! I can testify that I have done this on 2 (past) occasions - been just friends (with NO 'benefits') with a guy I wanted to be intimate with (or in a relationship with). That's because I can do anything I put my mind to doing! I also enjoyed talking with these guys so much, that I CHOSE to be just friends, so that I would not have to be excluded from their lives. I value the friendship of men immensely - they are different from women (friends) and are usually a joy to have around (they are normally more easy-going too). I value a guy's opinion (from a male perspective), the way they communicate and joke around, their handiness & smartness when it comes to cars, renovations, etc. etc. (some of them anyways). I like MOST things about MEN - but appreciate and value most those who are open, honest, and are NOT afraid to say their opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. I also learn from them and enjoy their company -most of the time I even prefer 'male' friendships to female ones. That's why I will always be friends with men who have the qualities I just listed (if they want this too). It's very SAD that some men are NOT capable of being 'just friends' when they are 'attracted' to a woman. They are ultimately missing out on some very good, valuable friendships! Their loss! If only they didn't let the wrong head CONTROL them! MOST females do NOT let their libidos control their lives - but I can't say the same for a lot of males (from my experience)!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

Jeeze I need some advice... Posted: 6/23/2008 8:52:36 AM
Geez OP - RE-READ YOUR POST! If this was someone else writing your post, wouldn't you automatically say "ABORT, ABORT - RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!" It's obvious to me, and many others (from the comments so far), that you are very naive. If you are falling for this guy before you even really know him - then YOU have EMOTIONAL problems yourself - such as being too NEEDY, DESPERATE, HUNGRY for AFFECTION & ATTENTION, etc. etc. Just about anyone who falls too fast without knowing someone very well, should take a good look at themselves and ask what is going on? Why the need to rush things? If you were secure and confident in yourself, you would NOTICE all the RED FLAGS with this guy!!! You are asking for a LOT OF HEADACHES if you start a relationship with him. There are many other men on dating sites without all the BAGGAGE that this guy has, for crying out loud! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP and work on your own issues, OP - PRONTO!!! Otherwise, you will continue to choose UNDESIRABLE men - such as this guy is! HE IS 'NOT' A GOOD CATCH - WAKE UP ALREADY!! Do not act out of LONELINESS & DESPERATION - you will be very miserable (eventually) if you do not work on your own issues, and continue to choose "bad" partners! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but even at your age I KNEW who was a 'desirable' partner and who wasn't!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Is it ok for your GF to hang out with Ex boyfriends? Posted: 6/12/2008 4:59:46 PM
OP - NO it's NOT ok for her to hang out with any of her ex's, and anyone who thinks it's okay has shit for brains, in my opinion. The only time it would ever be okay is if ex's were to hang out in a group of people with everyone included (present boyfriend/girlfriend included) - but definitely not alone or one-on-one with an ex! People certainly don't seem to know right from wrong these days - it disgusts me! What people tolerate these days is astonishing to me! And for you to ask such a question - come on - did you really NOT know the answer in your head? Or is it because you're scared to be alone and so will tolerate such bad behaviour from your partner? Don't answer that one - I already know why people put up with so much crap from their partners - FEAR OF BEING ALONE is the number one reason (amongst other reasons, of course). OP - it's also NOT ok that you having DATING written on your profile! No matter that you wrote that you're not single! You should know better! You're not much better than your girlfriend! And realize something else, if it ever bothers HER that you are on POF - then you had better RESPECT her and either take your profile off or hide it. TIT for TAT! P.S. Msg #21 - The main issue is not just about trust or honesty- as you've said (only partially). It's simply a lack of respect and consideration to hang out with an ex. Why is it necessary to do that anyways? Besides, I don't care how secure one is - when someone you love wants to hang out with an ex - it creates distrust - however small, because we ALL know that things could change pretty darn fast - from just friendship to sex, especially if either partner is mad at the other, or if they are having any kind of hardship with one another! I would NEVER date any guy who wants to continue a friendship with an ex - no matter what the circumstance. There's no good reason in my book!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 21 (view)

Why is my ex-husband contacting me when made the decision to abandon my family? Posted: 6/10/2008 6:50:21 PM
You need to stop asking yourself "WHY?" Only HE can tell you that - but if you asked him, he probably would not tell you all the reasons "why", or would perhaps LIE to you - so why not just try to ignore his contacts with you - because I feel that that's what you need to do, in order to move on with your life, and for the betterment of your children. You need to go on with your life and try to eliminate him from yours. Just delete, without reading, any e-mails, etc. that you get from him, and do NOT 'check' for his e-mails to you (the blocked ones you mentioned) - that is perpetuating your situation - NOT GOOD FOR YOU! And NEVER respond to him (no matter how hard this is for you) - as that's giving him what he wants - to keep you as an 'option' - maybe in the off chance his present relationship doesn't work out in the future. It's obvious ,to me anyways, that you're still in love with this guy and still hurting a lot. He wants to keep in contact with you, but you need to NOT respond to him IF you want to get over him quicker, and eventually be a happier person. If you keep dwelling on him, you will NOT get over him for a very long time. You also need to get over your resentments, as you will be bringing this excess baggage into your next relationship (in the future). Hopefully, you will not enter into a 'serious' relationship with anyone UNTIL you are emotionally and mentally ready - which you clearly are not at this present time. Good luck to you - be strong, patient, and have perserverence!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

He is younger than me and has issues with it. Posted: 6/10/2008 6:03:57 PM
WOW - HE thinks a 5-year difference is a lot!! Geez, I've dated guys 15 years younger than me, and neither of us had any hangups about the age difference. Nevertheless, everyone is different. Maybe he's NOT used to dating older women - even if just several years older. Some people just can't get beyond things like that; others can, but only if it's not going to lead to a serious relationship. Even in our times, it seems to be more acceptable for a guy to date a much younger woman than the reverse - double standards, unfortunately, still exist. So sad that your guy is NOT open-minded - as my younger partners have been. Personally, I would not want to date or get 'serious' with anyone over or under a 10-year difference, and 'experts' say that too much of an age difference can cause some problems in a relationship (sometimes major ones), although there can be various reasons for this. However, when I'm in a 'casual' relationship or wanting just sex - then I don't really care how 'young' the guy is - although I will not bed a 'really' young guy, in the off-chance he may 'fall in love', and I wouldn't want to have to deal with that issue (with a very young guy). So, since this guy obviously has an issue, which he cannot overcome at this time - you're best to let him go. It doesn't matter how nice this guy is - a major issue in a relationship - that cannot be overcome - will be an 'on-going' problem. Save yourself from more pain and hurt - best to give him the boot now (the longer this drags out, the harder it will be for you to break it off with him). Anyhow, if you don't break it off with him, this issue will always be in the back of your head, even if he doesn't always bring it up. Too bad really - but accept this and move on. You'll find other nice guys out there - maybe not right away - but just be patient. NEVER, ever settle! Be with someone who can accept you as you are, and your age - you are definitely NOT old. You have plenty of time to find someone who doesn't have major issues, especially over a silly thing such as a 5-year age difference. What a smuck!!! Hopefully, he regrets his stupidity one day!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

Girlfriend wants to maintain friendship with ex-boyfriend Posted: 1/19/2008 8:32:25 PM
Your g/f does NOT respect you - period! Why would you want to stay in a relationship like that? She needs to respect your boundaries dude! NO ONE who is in a serious relationship should go out alone with an ex - EVER! You never know what can happen - especially over time!! Besides, it's just not appropriate behaviour & like you said, she would NOT accept you doing the same thing (no matter that you would consider it a more "romantic" thing than she). The bottom line is that she KNOWS that this whole situation is bothering you, yet she continues to do it - and FLAUNT it in your face at that! Get a backbone, man! I certainly wouldn't put up with sh*t like that - and I have to wonder why you are. MOST men I know would NOT put up with crap like that. And for her to say that she would choose her ex's over you proves to me that she does NOT love you enough - or perhaps she's no longer "in love" with you. Because that is NOT how you treat someone you deeply love and care for. You only have yourself to blame if this crap continues, simply because you are ALLOWING it to happen. Like children, adults also KNOW what they can get away with. Also remember this - we TEACH people how to TREAT us!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Did I get Led on ? Would you roll out ? Posted: 1/18/2008 9:44:16 AM
It's hard to tell for sure from our perspective if you were led on or not - we weren't there with the both of you! We cannot know for sure! However, you need to know that sometimes we're not sure if someone is right for us or not. That's what the "dating" process is for - to get to know one another! The mistake many people make is going to bed too soon or moving the 'dating' process too quickly - when what we should be doing is just "getting to know one another" and "having fun" and not be jumping into bed UNTIL we KNOW that we really like each other a lot. Too many people get emotionally involved too fast (women are more guilty of this than men) and want to speed things along too quickly - but then we don't think with our heads when we do this. So when we're not sure about the other person, sometimes we'll still continue seeing them until we've had enough & want to find someone we can connect with on all levels. We need to think with our heads & not our hearts - at least at the beginning of a relationship! OP - YOU always have CONTROL on how a relationship progresses - next time move slower, and get to really know the person. That way you won't be misled. It takes TIME to really know someone - don't hurry the process!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

A few questions for the Knowers Posted: 1/17/2008 6:39:05 PM
Ignoble (Msg #21) - You are one complex dude! Quite the character I might add. Hard to comprehend what you're actually saying sometimes. Oh well.....interesting nonetheless - but odd at the same time! By the way - I think chemistry & lust are two separate things that can be intertwined together so that they can almost be indistinguishable. Geez, now I sound like "Ignoble"!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 20 (view)

A few questions for the Knowers Posted: 1/17/2008 5:24:06 PM
OP, as you asked in your post - "[Three] Since Chemistry is about what GENES the other person is carrying and not about looks, [although good looks obviously help] how many people have had the urge for someone and did not really know why or did not find them particularly good looking or your normal type?" This did happen to me a few years ago (I'm 46 now) - I met a guy who was just average-looking & who had some really bad habits (smoked heavily & occasionally toked). He ended up breaking my heart - I fell for him really hard, but ultimately he was not honest with me & he tried to be someone he wasn't because he felt he wasn't "good enough" for me - he kept saying, "What's a girl like you doing with a guy like me?" Next time, I think I don't want someone whom I feel a lot of "chemistry" and "lust" for! Or maybe I should have been more "picky" (like I usually am) - since he wasn't the type I would normally go out with. Learned my lesson the hard way - took me 2 years to completely get over him! Wasn't worth the pain & heartache, although I learned some valuable lessons about myself and other things, which I don't want to get into.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

why are ppl like this? Posted: 1/17/2008 4:46:00 PM
Geez, some of you people who responded are so insensitive! Have some empathy for crying out loud - OP is ONLY 20 years old! And those who told him to "get over it" should know better! Not only that, but saying 'words' doesn't make it any easier for someone to "get over" something, because we are all different in how we react to things & how we get over something! You people should be ashamed of yourself - for your insensitive comments. OP - you probably haven't seen such viciousness in your short life. Unfortunately, there are SOME very cruel people in this world - however, MOST are NOT that cruel. She was like the worse case scenerio. To be on POF requires that you NOT take things personally & that you also don't believe everything you see or read. Chuck it up as a learning experience - now you KNOW just how screwed up some people can be. By the way, I read your profile & I was impressed with it. For being only 20, you wrote better than some guys my age (I'm 46). However, you had previously mentioned that you would be including a pic of you 'smiling' - I think you should still do that as women love a nice smile on a guy (unless they have rotten teeth). Maybe you'll get more responses from the females if you include a pic of yourself with a nice smile (especially since I think you look too serious in your present photos). Hang in there, bud! I think you'll do okay for yourself - just have some patience.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 56 (view)

Why does this have to be so difficult? Posted: 1/17/2008 12:34:03 PM
Desi1955(Msg.#50) - Well said! As for "JWA" (Msg.#47) maybe you don't find dating hard because you may be one of the lucky few who doesn't encounter many "dating" problems. Plus, you are not looking at the big picture - what many people have to contend with when dating - it's not just about being happy & communicating effectively, etc. JUST the plain fact that MANY people are NOT even HONEST on their profile (I know this for a fact & many people on POF have complained about this) - makes dating, or the possibility of dating, a "hard" venture! If people were always honest & respectful - the dating scene would be so much easier. JWA - you need to read the complaints of many people on these forums to realize that it is NOT easy to date nowadays - THAT'S A FACT - believe or not - the majority rules!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

Why does this have to be so difficult? Posted: 1/17/2008 12:41:14 AM
I believe that there's so much "game-playing" today largely because it is perpetuated by many authors of so-called "self-help" books, talk-show hosts, the media, and basically some people seem to require it. When I was younger & dating a lot (now I'm 46), it was never this bad - such as it is today with MANY people being dishonest & playing games. But with today's technology & the availability of so many people everywhere (and at one's finger tips) - it just seems to bring out the worst in SOME people (too much to choose from, etc.) OP - there are SOME honest people (me for one), but they are far & few between. A lot of people don't seem to be comfortable in their own skin, so when a situation arises that they are uncomfortable in, they would rather deceive others than be honest & upfront. Many people don't seem to want to "talk" about things they don't understand, and one of those things is their own "thoughts & feelings" - it's too much for some to deal with! So they become "avoiders" - in & out of relationship situations. One responder of this post was correct in saying that when people say that they will call & then don't, oftentimes it's because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings if they aren't interested in pursuing the other person - not realizing that it hurts MORE to be lied to! I have always been honest when I'm not interested in someone, but I make sure to be nice about it and not hurt them needlessly (no need to elaborate 'why' I don't want to see them again). It certainly helps to 'know' WHAT & HOW to say things, especially in the dating arena - unfortunately, MOST people are NOT good communicators - hence the lies, game-playing, etc. which ends up hurting others, and therefore creates more "baggage" for us single people who truly want to find a good, decent, loving partner! One last thing, I've read a lot of books that promote "game-playing" and I have NEVER agreed with this concept, but it sure made me laugh and shake my head when one of the authors of the "Rules Book" was actually going through a divorce at the time she was writing that book. She hid this fact until a year after the book was published. How ironic and ludicrous - and she was giving advice to women on how to "play games" with men to "win them over"!!! Even though I read the book (and the other one that came out after that first one), I'm happy to say that I NEVER implemented any of the rules!! Most of the "rules" were just plain stupid & insulting to a woman's intelligence! I just didn't believe in all that farce. So, people - use your 'head' like I did - don't play by any set rules - always be upfront & honest, don't let your ego & self-esteem issues get in the way, don't play any stupid mind games, consider your wants & needs, and always be nice, loving, and thoughtful of other people. Then the dating scene will be so much better, and easier, for EVERYONE!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Friend wants to split the perfect couple Posted: 1/16/2008 10:47:05 AM
Your friend should not overly concern herself with this problem. She should give herself more time to sort everything out. We all have periods where we love our partner more than at other times, or we want more space at certain times than other times. THIS IS NORMAL. It's even normal to feel certain emotions for our partner one day, but not feel it so much the next. It's called being "human" and as human beings we have to contend with so many emotions on a day-to-day basis. Plus, some days we feel "better" than other days about ourselves, our lives, etc. and that can influence how we feel towards other people. Some people go through periods of self-doubt - about whether they want to stay in a relationship or not. If they're unsure, it's best to give it more time. Breaking up should never be done as a threat or ultimatum neither, or as a way to appease our self-doubts, or because we feel unsure about the other person (or whatever the case may be). Sometimes it's best to wait it out. Then the answer will come in time. I have found that men especially go through a time(s) where they wonder if they should stay in a relationship or not. One of my (past) guy friends told me that that happened to him on a regular basis whenever he would start a new relationship, but that the self-doubt usually passed over time & so he would wait it out (at least for a while & he waited to see if the 'doubts' or negative feelings would persist over time). Now he is married - so maybe the other women were just not right for him - but at least he didn't break up with them as soon as "doubts" or "uncertainties" set in - he always gave it more time to be sure that WHAT he was feeling wasn't just a temporary thing. I wish your friends the best, but just remember that just because a couple APPEAR "good together", doesn't mean that everything is honky-dory - maybe there are important qualities lacking in their relationship & maybe that's why your friend is having these ambivalent feelings. She needs to do some thinking, but not be irrational or make any hasty decisions if she's not sure about what she should do at this time. No need to rush anything in life for that matter - unless it's a life or death situation.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Hard to find a new woman - after 8 year relationship Posted: 1/16/2008 10:22:25 AM
OP - Forgot to say - while I was getting over that guy I had fallen in love with (and which took 2 years for me to get over) - I was NOT in any kind of a "relationship". I KNEW I would be NO good for anyone & I didn't want to over-burden nor hurt someone while I was still healing. However, I did have a friendship 'with benefits' with a guy I had previously known & we both agreed to a "casual friendship with benefits" - we were both honest & upfront from day one. It was the best thing I had done for myself during that time of healing - I enjoyed his company & the sex & it also took my mind off my ex for short periods of time. We saw each other once or twice a week, although I ended it after 8 months when he became too self-centered, inconsiderate, and would just pop over without calling first (near the end). No regrets, though!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Hard to find a new woman - after 8 year relationship Posted: 1/16/2008 10:05:54 AM
Dude - You are CLEARLY NOT READY- emotionally nor mentally - for any kind of relationship with anyone! YOU NEED TO HEAL YOUR BROKEN HEART FIRST! Do NOT jump into another relationship with the way you feel - it wouldn't be fair to the other person & not to you either. Because people are hurting and feel so alone after a relationship breaks up, they want someone else RIGHT AWAY! But that is not good for anyone! You need to grieve & heal in your own way & time (this is different for everyone). OP - if you can't tolerate being alone too much, go out & visit friends, family, a co-worker, etc., but do NOT get into another relationship right now! I can't stress this enough! Msg #6 (im-sillyatheart-3) - you are not correct in your assessment of the time limit it takes to heal from a break-up. I know a guy who took 5 years before he was completely over his ex. From my own experience, when I left my ex-husband, I was over him the minute I left him (I had already fallen out of love by the time I left). However, in another relationship that lasted only 4 months - it took me 2 whole years to get over him because I had fallen deeply in love with him. I truly believe that the more in love you are with someone, the longer it will take to get over your ex (there are always exceptions though). Having said all that.....it does get easier as time goes on, but on average it takes a year minimum (if you were in love) before you feel better emotionally & mentally, and before you feel ready to date. But to be completely over someone you loved a lot - that can take 2 years or more (some exceptions of course). In case someone else brings this up, I've read (from books & articles) that said that for every year you were with the person, it will take one month before you get over your ex (this means for 8 years together - it will take 8 months to get over someone). Well, other experts have disputed this & I, for one, don't believe this crock of sh*t at all either - just from my own experience. I think it all depends on how you felt about your ex at the time of the break-up & also what transpires after the break-up - so many factors to consider & some 'so-called relationship experts' don't look at the whole picture, - such as considering the maturity level of both people involved, the circumstances (or reasons) for the break-up, and how they relate to each other after the break-up (this is on-going if there are children involved). OP - You should not be looking for a partner at this stage in your life. If you just needed a "friend" without "benefits" - then that would be fine, but you would have to be honest with yourself & not try to get into another relationship. A female friend at this point could even be debatable, because you might end up over-burdening her if you're too depressed. Only you can control your feelings, and while it's okay to talk about your frustrations & your pain once in a while, when you meet someone new for "friendship" it''s best not to overdo the "negative" talk or she may want to run!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

What does We're going to be friends for a long time mean to you? Posted: 1/15/2008 11:30:17 AM
Don't people communicate anymore? JUST ASK THE PERSON! Even if it's a bit uncomfortable, just ask because then you'll be sure to KNOW instead of assuming (which creates even more problems), right?! But from a woman's point of view, we rarely say "friends" unless this is all we want - just friendship! (Maybe with 'benefits' maybe not - you'll have to ask each woman to be sure about that). Since she also said for "a long time" - I would guess that she just wants to be buddies with you, because many females like having male friends; plus we usually don't assume that a new relationship will last "a long time" - that would make us appear over-zealous, needy, and presumptuous! I personally would NEVER say that at the start of a new relationship or if I just met someone! I used to always have male friends (until they found someone), and that's all it was - with NO fringe "benefits". I miss not having male friends; with my past male friendships, I appreciated and loved the 'instant' rapport I had with them, getting their take on relationship issues, joking around with them, and I especially enjoyed their easy-goingness. I LOVE the company of men even more than women - since SOME women compete with one another (I've had it happen to me), and they can be catty, and they just don't joke around the same way that men do (I even enjoy hearing 'sexual' jokes), and because I accept men the way they are, they enjoy having me 'hang-around' with them, and thus bring me into their circle of friends - even if I'm the only female (has happened a couple of times). Male friendships can be a wonderful thing - I have enjoyed all of mine!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 33 (view)

If You Could Go Back and Fix ONE Thing You Regret .......... Posted: 1/14/2008 1:18:48 PM
Even though I'm at my happiest point right now in my life - my biggest regret is NOT that I had some really "bad" boyfriends, but how I HANDLED MYSELF when things were NOT going well with them. For instance, I would sometimes get very angry & get too emotional with my ex-boyfriends (one at a time though, folks), when what I should have done was sit down calmly with my partner & try to resolve the problems in a more mature manner, or break up the relationship sooner when things were not improving over time. But because I often did NOT know what to do (did not have good parents even who could help me), I often over-reacted in many unpleasant situations (I was NEVER "physical" - I was just too "emotional"). I also learned that I just can't blame my ex's for being "wrong" for me - as I had a hand in it because I chose them & put up with some of their crap. We have to blame ourselves - at least partially - for who we go out with. We have to be aware of our "patterns" & if we keep choosing the same types of people who are wrong for us, then we have to do something about it or we will remain unhappy & unfulfilled - and keep blaming others instead of taking a good, hard look at ourselves & the decisions we're making! Nevertheless, the good thing that came out of those relationships (for which I don't regret even one of them) is that I WANTED & NEEDED to improve on myself. To do that I had to learn to be happier with myself first & foremost, set better standards, boundaries & limits when dating, learn how to handle "negative" emotions more productively (it's okay to be angry, but not to handle oneself so badly that it scares other people & then they withdraw, or give the silent treatment), and learning more information about women, men & relationships in general. I've since learnt that when a person is at PEACE and HAPPY with themselves, they will choose better partners & will not put up with bad behaviours (on a consistent basis). Also, when we're happier & have self-respect & self-esteem, then we'll want people like that around us & we will expect to be treated with respect from others. I now know more what I need & want, what's right for ME, and how to handle myself when problems arise. What a good feeling that is - to have control over your own life & control (in a good way) of your relationships with people (not just in a dating situation). I did a lot of soul-searching, read a lot of good books, asked my ex's, friends & family to give me tips on what I was doing wrong (including how I spoke to people), and then I changed myself inside & out! That's why I'm a lot happier now! I make better decisions and know what to do when a bad or stressful situation comes up because I got all the information I needed to make the changes that I WANTED to make - so that ultimately I would have better relationships with people. And, guess what? It HAS already benefitted me, since I now get along better with my family & my friends. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not perfect, but I will always strive for improvement where it is essential to my well-being & happiness. I will make sure NOT to lose myself in the process - since we are all 'unique' in our own way & no one should change themselves too much - plus, we shouldn't be like everybody else, nor should they expect us to be like them (I've encountered this with my own family, unfortunately). So, OP - You asked "If You Could Go Back and Fix ONE Thing You Regret" - I already FIXED the ONE MAIN thing I've regretted in my relationships with people - my ANGER issues (first & foremost) - then I worked on other important things.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

Repeat cheaters... Why? Posted: 1/14/2008 10:07:25 AM
Sorry I misunderstood OP - but your POST confused not only me! Maybe next time you should spend some time reviewing your statements so that is it MORE clear to us, instead of accusing us of NOT reading it properly. It goes both ways actually. I was just trying to figure things out, but couldn't with your post being kind of jumbled and unclear in the important areas. In fact, the first few lines were very confusing to SOME of us who have already responded to your post. I re-read it several times, but when something isn't clear or specific - it's NOT going to get any better, even if we read it 100 times!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

Always on the defensive. Posted: 1/14/2008 9:59:23 AM
OP - I get it that you & your guy want just "friendships." But because a lot of men (especially) put "Friends" on their profile but actually mean "friends with benefits" (which should be an option but doesn't exist), then they will respond to other profiles that say "Friends" in the HOPES that something else will transpire later on. If you haven't noticed yet, there are a lot of dishonest people on POF. Many guys who have contacted me had on their profiles "Friends" but, trust me, that is NOT only want they wanted. So it's up to you two what you want to do, but you should EXPECT more of the same - a lot of men who will contact you expecting SEX - but may not say that right away. Very rarely do men want just FRIENDSHIPS & so I'm kind of ticked off that so many have that on their profiles. MEN - BE MORE HONEST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! My suggestion to men on POF is if you want 'friendship' FIRST, then you can state that somewhere in your profile - but do NOT put that as your "preference" in the box "looking for"! That's just bullsht and you guys know it!! * I would say very few would only want just friendship - such as a guy who is already "taken" or "married" **

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Always on the defensive. Posted: 1/13/2008 7:58:32 PM
Take out "FRIENDLY MESSAGES WELCOME" out of your profile. THIS is INVITING men to communicate with you!! Geez, I can't believe you wouldn't know that! State simply that you're only on here for the forums because you have found someone & that you will no longer be communicating with anyone - which you shouldn't be since you're now dating this guy. Really though - why not just HIDE your PROFILE since you're here for the forums now. It is so simple to do, and it's equally simple to "unhide" it. This way if the relationship with this guy does not work out, you don't have to re-do a whole new profile. This would solve all of your problems with the men on POF! SIMPLE solution! You have no right to complain if you don't make the necessary changes, as I have suggested above, and what some others have suggested. This isn't rocket science.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 31 (view)

Does he like me or is he just be nice? Posted: 1/13/2008 7:49:46 PM
I agree with English lass - but also look at his body language too next time you go at Starbucks. Also, if he looks at you directly, but never flirts or makes any effort to chit-chat with you a bit, then that's not a good sign either. You must look at all the signs, not just whether he makes eye contact or not. Listen to your intuition & what sense you get from the whole encounter. If your feelings tell you that he doesn't appear to be interested - then you'd be right. Our intuitions, feelings, etc. are usually right on - it's always been accurate in every aspect of my life!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Repeat cheaters... Why? Posted: 1/13/2008 7:42:59 PM
If I understand correctly from your post - you cheated on your ex-wife too. So why can't you answer your own question? I just feel that nowadays, it's difficult to find people who are extremely honest, trustworthy, etc. I bet you that by the time we reach 30 something, that MOST of us have been cheated on (me included). A lot of people don't seem to have high morals & integrity, so it appears that being unfaithful is more common these days (among other things that aren't applicable to this post).

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 118 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/12/2008 7:04:35 PM
I had to add my 2 cents here, mainly because this post has gotten out of hand! I'm more disappointed in Arapaho7 who seems to need proof (beyond any doubts) that smoking causes cancer - some things just cannot be proven 100%! How about that TV show I saw recently that said ONLY 10% of non-smokers get lung cancer, but that a MUCH HIGHER percentage were smokers (forgot the exact number)? How much proof does one need? Just talk to the doctors, nurses, etc. & I'm sure they would agree with that TV health show. In addition, look around you & also note the TV stars who have died of cancer from cigarette smoking. I've known quite a few smokers who died of lung cancer & all the doctors attributed that to their heavy smoking. Enough said about smoking - not everyone will agree with the obvious anyhow!! Look, if we want to be healthy & feel good & perhaps live longer - it's just common sense that we all need to take better care of ourselves - that entails getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well (bad foods on an occasional basis is ok), and trying to quit any addictions we may have. Yes, I have heard that cigarette smoking is more addictive than herion (so glad I never started the damn things), but why not try to cut down if you can't quit? - Everything counts when it comes to health! I know, some of you are trying & have tried in the past - just don't give up. Like I said before, even if we take care of ourselves, there's no guarantee that we will live a long life, but it will more than likely add years to our life, we'll also feel better, look better (even younger in some cases), and be more attractive to the opposite sex (especially if we're not overweight). We can't control all pollution (some yes), bad genes, accidents, fluke of nature, etc. but we CAN control HOW WE LIVE OUR LIVES, and isn't that what we should aim for? - a healthier life which will ultimately make you feel better, and may make you feel happier! I do NOT believe in bashing people who have their bad habits - but why not strive to better your life? It would not only benefit you - but society as a whole (by saving tax payers money re: health care system, not polluting others' lungs with cigarette smoke if you do smoke near other people, less visits to the doctors' offices, etc.). Let's not have our EGOS get in the way of what matters in life - besides giving & receiving LOVE, taking good care of ourselves is of utmost importance! By the way, MENTAL / EMOTIONAL health is just as important as PHYSICAL health, and I have worked on that too, hence why I'm happier at 46 than at any other time in my life - even though I'm still single. I've learned to love myself more, and accept people as they are (although that doesn't mean I have to date them).

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 96 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/12/2008 5:02:17 PM
Msg #94 - Your points are indeed valid. In fact, smoking is just one health issue this society has to deal with. Other addictions, obesity, eating too many 'bad' foods, sitting too much (day in & day out) etc. are ALL bad for us. But this post is about SMOKING & that's why we have dealt with THAT issue. I think all of us KNOW what's bad for us - but WE'RE the ones who make our own choices of whether we want to do something about our 'bad habits' or not. However, some people DO take care of themselves & still get sick or die early, because some things are beyond our control - like heredity, pollution, chemicals in our foods & in the air, etc! No matter what, it IS better to take care of ourselves. I always have lots of energy and rarely do I even get a cold (first one I got recently in 3 years). I attribute my excellent health to the fact that I take care of myself (eat right, exercise, etc). That doesn't mean I will live a long life - but I bet you that I will feel better & be more healthy until I die IF I continue to take good care of myself. That's MY belief. Just look at people who don't take care of themselves - I've seen it firsthand that they lack energy, are often sick, have some health problems, etc. Of course, there are always exceptions - that's a given! I have nothing further to add - I've said more in this post than in any other post - go figure! Don't know why either as smoking is NOT a deal-breaker for me when going out with a guy, although I would prefer he be a non-smoker. P.S. People - If you want to communicate with SMOKERS - UNBLOCK them - see what Msg. #95 has had to put up with (and many others, I might add).

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 92 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/12/2008 3:49:37 PM
Msg. #91 - I don't post a pic because of my profession (I work a lot with the public) - but I DO show my pic (on MSN) whenever I'm interested in a guy. But I can assure that EVERYONE says I look 8 years YOUNGER (or more) than my actual age & it has always been that way for me - plus I'm at my IDEAL WEIGHT for my height. Also, everyone says I'm a good-looking woman (men & women tell me this on a regular basis) - believe this or not, I don't care. I do have some wrinkles, but all people in their 40's & up have some (although I have NONE around my mouth, lips, etc. - just my eye area). CSIN - Msg. #91 - It's not necessary to get overly snarky or picky here - there are ALWAYS EXCEPTIONS to everything in life! For instance, my sister-in-law smokes & drinks & she is still very pretty, and almost 40! However, my sister, who is a bit older, is also a smoker (and drinks occasionally). yet she doesn't look as good as my sister-in-law - and even though my sister only smokes 1/2 pack a day (LESS than my sister-in-law), she has MORE wrinkles around her mouth and more on her face than anyone in my family. But, this isn't the point of this post - it's about HEALTH. Members of my family who smoke may get sicker later in life, or they may not. I may get sick later in life or I may not, even though I have no addictions (there are no guarantees about anything in life). The ISSUE is that people should admit that smoking is BAD for everyone's health & be respectful of where they smoke, and I believe that smoking causes all kinds of health hazards (including cancer - but that's my opinion, but some others have agreed with me). Like I said before, I go out with smokers, so I don't condemn them nor bug them for their habit - I, like other responders in this post, are just stating the health hazards of smoking - let's not go overboard discussing all kinds of other stupid things like wrinkles, etc! It is our own choice if we do or don't want to be with smokers/non-smokers, etc. But then we can't complain if we don't like what we see! I, by the way, practice what I preach - always!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

men and controlling jealous behaviour Posted: 1/12/2008 3:27:15 PM
You said, "He has female friends,and they go out together and i trust him one of them is even and ex-g/f of his, and she is also my friend...." What the F*** is wrong with you?!!!!!!! Why are you tolerating his insecure, immature behaviour when you're around guys, yet he's allowed to see his female friends - even his ex g/f!!! You are spineless & insecure yourself - otherwise you would NOT tolerate this in anyone! You need to say firmly & directly to him that if he continues with his obnoxious, insecure behaviour, that you will END the relationship - unless he were to get HELP! I have never been with a guy who acts this way & I never would put up with that kind of behaviour. Get a BACKBONE lady! You may think this guy is great, but later on this behaviour is going to get on your nerves even more. Plus, now you've chosen to stay home more - wow, what a good life you're going to have with this guy! I would be ashamed & embarrassed to let people know just how INSECURE you are. Boy, the things SOME women will tolerate just to have a friggin' boyfriend - how pathetic!!!! You need HELP just as much as he does! Sorry to be so blunt....but this post is really despicable to me - the things you are putting up with with this loser! There are way better guys than him out there - trust me. If he doesn't smarten' up FAST - GET RID OF HIM (there's actually a book by this title - maybe you need to read it)!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

Ideas on how to cheer up my girlfriend..... Posted: 1/12/2008 2:37:23 PM
If she likes affection, give her LOTS of that. Give her hugs & kisses, and if she likes cuddling on the couch, then do that for her. Also, ASK her if YOU could do something for her that she would like - you don't have to say that you want to cheer her up, since no one wants to be pitied. Sometimes there's not much we can do when someone is down except BE THERE for them in whatever capacity that entails - such as watching a movie/tv with them, talking with them, listening to them, and just keeping them company. Sometimes it just takes TIME before someone will feel better, but as long as you do your part - however small or big - then that should enough. P.S. OP - Why do you have this written on your profile under "First Date" - "Go for a drink, have a chat an see what happens!!" NOW I'm not impressed with you! If you have a steady girlfriend, then you shouldn't have this on your profile!! I'm now disgusted with you, as this is NOT appropriate behaviour. YOU said you have a GIRLFRIEND - so why are you on POF!!!! (No where does he say he's on here for the forums, plus he wrote the above sentence!)

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 88 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/12/2008 1:29:58 PM
Msg #87 - You are a considerate smoker, and I applaud you for that. However, I know of many others (some whom I've dated) who are not as considerate & respectful as you are. I'm not against smokers (1/2 my family smokes), but I do think that some could think of other people more often & be more respectful of their rights too. With my own family, if I told them that they would have to smoke outside, they wouldn't even come to my house at all, and they are not concerned about the effects of smoking with their own children (one is asthmatic), which makes me feel sad for the children & disappointed with the adults (as they should know better!). Msg #86 - You're right - and I certainly don't believe in WARS of any kind. I don't like politics nor Gov't because of their dishonesty, double standards, hypocrisy, and on & on. But I was just stating some points which the Gov't is trying to change for the betterment of everyone - namely the health care system. In many other areas, they lack integrity, fairness, and they don't care much about people in general - but what can we do about the way they run our lives (and the world)? It's beyond our control & it doesn't seem to matter who we vote in - they are ALL dishonest & don't care what the people want!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 85 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/12/2008 12:22:40 PM
Msg #83 - To answer your question - the Gov't gets involved because WHEN people get sick (cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc.), we ALL pay for that - through taxes, more health premiums at work, or even our own health insurance, etc. More sick people means more money has to come from somewhere & the tax payers are the first ones to get dinged! The Gov't wants us to take better care of ourselves - so that less money will have to go to the health care system. Haven't you heard that by the time people in their 40's reach retirement age, there may NOT be enough CPP for us to collect (I'm in Ontario, Canada)? Part of the reason is that there won't be enough younger people to help pay into the CPP, as people of my generation have been having less children & some are having none. Some have said that they should have a right to smoke or do whatever they want - but unfortunately smoking does AFFECT others (directly & indirectly) & costs the health care system more money, which we end up paying for through our taxes. I do think that some things have gone too far - for instance, there is now talk of banning people from smoking in their cars when children are present! Who's going to monitor THAT? And even though I'm a non-smoker & agree that people should NOT smoke near children, people smoking in their HOMES is more detrimental than being in a vehicle for 5 - 25 minutes (at least here in Thunder Bay it only takes 25 minutes to get from one end of the city to the other). People smoke way more in their homes, but since no one would be able to monitor that, they instead want to go after those who smoke in their vehicles with children present. Give me a break - this is beyond stupid to me! This is going too far! It is very unfortunate that many children are exposed to cigarette smoking (I presently know of some parents who smoke 'inside' their homes with young children present), but banning smoking in vehicles is NOT going to stop enough of the exposure that children get elsewhere! Some things that have been banned over the years have been for the betterment of our health and the environment. However, I am concerned that things may go too far - like telling people what they can & cannot do in their own homes - but when in public, that is a different scenerio as we are dealing with the general population - not just ourselves and/or our families. I also worry that certain things could be banned where there is NOT sufficient proof that it is harmful to people or to the environment, although they will surely use that reason not matter what the studies show.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 80 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/12/2008 9:31:03 AM
Msg #79 - Arapaho7 - thanks for clarifying that for me, I appreciate that. I want to add something here - I believe that there will probably NEVER be a cure for any type of cancer, even if they could find a cure, because all the organizations (including pharmacies, hospitals, etc.) would LOSE too much money. There have been billions & billions of dollars given for "research", yet NOT even 'one' cancer has been "cured" after all these years - why is that?! Can you just imagine if ALL cancers could be cured - even just one? A lot LESS income for all those big companies - get what I mean? I have discussed this with other people & many have agreed with me. For instance, years ago there was a show on TV that said that they could make pantyhose which wouldn't 'run' - but they didn't want to sell such a product because it would mean loss of income for distributors, stores, etc. The show also said that they could make batteries that could last a lifetime - but that ain't gonna happen either! Just like I believe they could make many products that would last much longer (if not forever), but hey, they don't want to lose all that profit they're making from us! It makes sense to me.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

would you take up a 'habit' just to get a date??? Posted: 1/11/2008 12:32:47 PM
Msg #24 - I do NOT like the word "partner" either. In fact, when I go out with a guy for a while, I will say "boyfriend" - but I usually wait until he calls me his "girlfriend." I just use the word "partner" so that this refers to anyone who is in a relationship or just starting one. It takes some time to become someone's boyfriend/girlfriend - hence, the word "partner" I feel is more appropriate when talking to the general population. Also, in my original post (msg. #23), I did not word the 'last' paragraph properly (correctly) - what I meant to say is that we shouldn't have to change for someone, but that if we're willing to change something about ourselves, it should be because we WANT to & it should be for a "GOOD" reason, and it should NOT be something that is "negative or bad" for us, just to please our partner. I think a lot of us change 'certain' things to make our partner's happy - however it should be up to us to do so - not because our partner is "pressuring" us to be a certain way.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 37 (view)

where have the old fashioned values gone Posted: 1/11/2008 11:51:48 AM
It's not just people's attitude toward sex that has changed (especially since the sexual revolution in the 60's), but people's morals, values, ethics, etc. have all changed - for the WORSE! Heck, many people don't even have manners nowadays - I've heard people fart, burp, etc. without excusing themselves. If that wasn't enough, I've gone out with men who made MAJOR blunders (with me) & refuse to say that they're "sorry"! Naturally, these relationships did NOT last (I broke them off - and fast). It's sad to see that good morals, manners, lack of RESPECT & CONSIDERATION, etc. have gone out the window with many people. I still believe in high morals, standards, ethics, manners, etc. but I seem to be a rare breed compared to others. It seems also that the 'younger' generation are even worse - maybe because many parents don't want to put the time in to ensure that their children acquire good manners and treat others with respect. So sad really. P.S. I'm in no way accusing everyone of being this way (as stated above) - but MANY are - as I have seen, and continue to see, bad behaviour (and bad attitudes) all around me every day!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

would you take up a 'habit' just to get a date??? Posted: 1/11/2008 11:41:04 AM
Are you kidding me - ABSOLUTELY NOT - not for a "date" nor for a long-term relationship! I've gone out with guys who smoke, toke, drink etc. but I have NEVER joined them. I tell them right away that if they want to do their bad habits, fine - but I will NOT be joining them. However, I DO draw the line - in that I refuse to go out with heavy smokers, big tokers, or heavy drinkers - that would be too much for me, especially since I have no addictions. Having said the above, I DO believe in 'give & take' in a relationship. So if my man wants to watch sports on TV & I don'tlike sports but I want to be beside him, I'd watch with him, and/or read something or do something while I keep him company on the couch. I would NOT do this EVERY night, but once in a while I would do something my partner likes but which may not be my thing. That would be one of my ways of showing him that I care about him & want to be with him. NO ONE should change too much or start a "habit" or anything else for their partner unless it's a GOOD thing. We all should compromise to be with someone, but the line has to be drawn somewhere, and if you have to change to please someone, then you're in the wrong relationship & you need to have more self-esteem so that you won't become a doormat, or too giving, etc.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 76 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/11/2008 11:00:02 AM
Msg #71 (Arapaho7) - Sorry, don't agree with you at all! There is evidence to prove that smoking causes cancer amongst other things, but I'm NOT willing to get into this right now. Suffice it to say that it IS likely to cause health problems (even if not proven 100%) because there are CHEMICALS & PLENTY of THEM in cigarettes - so to say that smoking does NOT cause cancer - and probably NO other health problems in YOUR view - is ludicrious! Sure, pollution and other things are health hazards, but I'm just talking about "smoking" since you believe THAT doesn't cause cancer. And just so you know, I watched a health show recently that said that only 10% of 'non-smokers' get lung cancer, compared to a much higher number for smokers (sorry, can't remember the exact number for smokers, but it was high). Whether there is proof or not, it just makes sense that putting S*HIT in your body is MORE likely to cause health problems further down the road. It's like people who eat CRAP every day, and don't take care of themselves physically, and have one or more addictions - MANY of these people will EVENTUALLY have some kind of health problems later in life & it will be caused (at least partially) from their poor life style, addictions, etc. If YOU can't admit that - then YOU are in major DENIAL mode "Arapaho7"! A lot of things in life cannot be proven 100%, but that doesn't mean that health hazards do not exist from what we put in our bodies. I attribute my excellent health (at 46 I have absolutely NO health problems) to eating well, maintaining an ideal weight, exercising when I have the time, having NO addictions (which I NEVER had), and partially from good genes (although heart disease runs on by sides of my family). We need to use 'common sense' when talking about health, because not everything can be proven beyond a doubt! For instance, I'm aware that I could still I get cancer or heart disease (or whatever) later in life even though I'm very healthy right now; however, I believe that my chances of remaining healthy are BETTER if I continue to take care of myself - that includes physical & mental/emotional health, since stress can cause all kinds of health problems too. There are no guarantees in life about ANYTHING, but does that mean that we shouldn't take care of ourselves, or deny that what we put into our bodies does NOT affect our health? Sorry, but I believe that smoking & anything else that's bad for us, will LIKELY affect us 'detrimentally' later in life. ONLY a FEW people will get away with living a long life with little health problems, even though they have all kinds of addictions & a poor life style - maybe they just have really good genes!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 67 (view)

A word about smoking.... Posted: 1/11/2008 9:41:16 AM
I think why some smokers get bashed about their smoking habits (on here & in real life)& how harmful it is to them & others is because MANY don't seem to take the health concerns seriously. I don't smoke & never have, but I have dated smokers & I have never bugged them to quit, and have even allowed them to smoke in my home. However, rarely (if ever) did I hear any of them say that they wish they could quit because it was soooo bad for their health and for others' health. Many of my ex's said they wished that they could quit, yet never made a serious attempt to do so. If I was a smoker & wanted to quit - I would try the patch, Zyban, hypnosis - whatever it would take! Yet even in my own family (of which half smoke), they say they WANT to quit, but make NO attempt whatsoever to do so - obviously, they aren't ready so I wish they wouldn't say anythingat all, since I no longer believe what they say. I think the main reason that people mention the bad health reasons of smoking to the smokers is because of 3 main reasons - (1) maybe they think that the smokers have not heard all of the reasons why smoking is so terrible for one's health; (2) they may think that reminding someone of the detriments of smoking may give them the boost to quit smoking; and (3) some people DENY how bad it is to smoke - i.e. my father says that he knows of a couple of smokers who lived to be 85, so he now thinks smoking CAN'T be THAT bad for you - I told him that there are always some exceptions to the rule - but he's stubborn & refuses to believe smoking can cause shorter life spans amongst other health problems (which isn't necessary to list here as we should all know them by now). I reently read, on another post, a smoker who said that he does NOT believe second-hand smoke is detrimental to others - get real! When other people are breathing in cigarette smoke, it is NOT filtered when it goes into their lungs! It's common sense that it's bad for everyone - not JUST smokers! So no wonder non-smokers talk about the health hazards of cigarette smoking - because of idiots like that guy! My suggestions to smokers - do NOT get mad if NON-SMOKERS do talk about the health hazards of smoking - because SOME of you bring this upon yourselves when you make it out to be that smoking ISN'T 'that bad' for you, or you REFUSE to talk about the health issues of smoking, and when some of you are even in DENIAL about all the health problems of smoking!! P.S. I would still date a smoker (don't have them blocked), but he would have to be a "light" smoker & agree to smoke outside - weather permitting. At least I'm not anal about being around smokers, and never have been.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 25 (view)

Does he really mean what he says? Posted: 1/11/2008 8:45:57 AM
Sorry, but I can't agree with some on here who say that OP could contact him instead of waiting for him to do it. Unfortunately, some men do NOT want you to contact them first as they may feel "pressure" from you, or you may appear too anxious or desperate - a major turn-off for men. I've learned the hard way that this is still a "MAN'S WORLD" & at the start of a relationship, it's best to let the man lead, then after a little while the woman can do the calling too & make date plans. I personally feel that this is "GAME PLAYING" but I KNOW from EXPERIENCE (and books) that some guys still WANT to do the CHASING & want to take the LEAD - at least at the very beginning. I ended up scaring a guy away after I contacted him 2 days after we had been together - he later said that he thought I would start calling him too often & he needed his space (now he has a lot of space because it didn't work out since he didn't like me calling him at all). So OP - I think it's best to play it COOL & wait to see what happens. He may or may not call - but either way you will know the answer very soon.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Does he really mean what he says? Posted: 1/10/2008 9:14:43 PM
Give it, or him, more time - some guys wait up to a week to call (they don't want to seem anxious or desperate). However, if he takes MORE than a week to call you, then perhaps he isn't that interested. If a guy waited more than a week to call me, I would have to decide if I ever wanted to see him again (tough call), but definitely I would NOT be available for him right away - I'd make him wait (give him a taste of his own medicine), and I would date other men for a while until I was sure that this type of guy was the "right" one. I have read that many men do say "I will call you" when they don't mean it, because it's too uncomfortable (and cowardly) to say the truth (which is that they do NOT want to see you again). Hence, you may have to wait a while longer to know for sure if he's interesteed or not. Have patience, but in the meantime, keep yourself busy with other things in your life - don't wait around for him - NEVER do that!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 23 (view)

Should disabilities be listed on profiles? Posted: 1/10/2008 7:48:49 PM
I agree with most of Msg. #16. IF the disability is not specified in the person's profile, then I believe that it should be disclosed as soon as two people are interested in each other & are planning to continue communicating, or are maybe planning on meeting up. Do NOT wait until too much time has gone on or until you meet - always disclose the disability (or whatever it is) before that point. Do NOT wait until you're "comfortable" talking about it (as that can take a while) - you do it no matter how you feel or how well you know the person - disabilities, disfigurements, or any other major "problem" NEEDS to be disclosed before meeting someone AND before too much "communication" has gone on - this is more respectful & considerate than springing it on at a much later date. I personally would NOT put anything 'negative' on a profile - some things are best explained in detail anyways.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 24 (view)

Does he like me or is he just be nice? Posted: 1/10/2008 1:26:23 PM
OP - you got defensive for nothing - re-read my post - because that's what I was doing - giving you suggestions as you requested. I was simply pointing out that it IS hard to tell sometimes if someone really likes us unless there are other signs, especially if their job is to be polite, friendly, etc. I agree with Msg #24 - to smile (but not wink) - just start flirting (and being more friendly) a little at a time & see where it goes. If you're too forward, though, you may scare him off if he's quite shy. Just do the suggestions (offered by many here) in a 'light or casual' manner - not too "over-the-top" or aggressive (what women interpret as assertiveness - and rightly so - may come off as aggressive behaviour for some men). Good luck to you - hope you end up together. Let us know later on what happens, as I'm sure some of us will want to know.

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 19 (view)

Does he like me or is he just be nice? Posted: 1/10/2008 12:31:33 PM
Do NOT assume that because he smiles & talks to you that he is 'interested' - because it is his JOB to be nice & friendly to people - otherwise, he could get fired if he was rude, unfriendly, etc. I would keep going to the coffee shop & talking with him. Ask him open-ended questions, compliment the way he does his job & something about his looks (nice eyes, etc.), and then you will see over time if he seems more & more interested in you. Pay particular attention to his facial features & his body language. Nevertheless, I believe that an excellent sign of 'real' interest would be if he starts FLIRTING with you - if he NEVER does that, then I would think that he's just doing his job & is not that into you. If, after some time, you still aren't sure, I would do what some have suggested here - ask him out (via a note or verbally). It takes guts to make the first move (if he doesn't do it) but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Those who take 'risks' will more often get what they want in life - at least, that's the way it's worked out for me!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 44 (view)

HOT & COLD - Is he really into me? Posted: 1/10/2008 10:08:45 AM
BETHLETT (Msg #43) - You MISUNDERSTOOD my INTENTIONS of what I previously wrote. I also NEVER believe in using SEX (or vagina as you said) as a bargaining tool or anything like that, and have never done that myself (since I have too strong of a sex drive). But because OP is NOT sure whether he's USING her or not, she will KNOW FOR SURE by temporarily postponing sex - and thus seeing how he treats her & behaves towards her. Too often we have sex too soon & then we're not sure if the guy is staying in a relationship with us because of the good sex, or if it's also because he really likes us! The best way to make sure a relationship is not based mainly on sex is NOT to have sex so soon - yet many women do exactly that. I've made that mistake myself, but not anymore! I've learned the hard way, but at least I did learn! Now I always know when a guy is "into me" - no more drama or frustrations or uncertainties - such as what OP is now going through!

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

HOT & COLD - Is he really into me? Posted: 1/10/2008 8:43:21 AM
People need to say things firmly & directly to OP - since she's still asking what she should do now (2x already in this post). Well, from my experience with boyfriends & male friends, and having read a lot of relationship books, this is what I think YOU should DO: 1) Do NOT contact him for a while. See if he keeps on initiating 'some' contact, and if he does, then you can slowly start initiating contact - but NOT all the time. Let the man make some of the moves. Do NOT get angry or anxious either if he does not call every day - not every guy does this! 2) Your neediness & desperation CAN be sensed, even if you don't SAY anything. How you live your life, your tone when speaking, your entire body language (facial features included), what you do & don't say, etc. confirms whether you are too much into a guy & acting out of FEAR instead of LOVE! 3) Stop thinking about him every minute of the day & LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE! If he comes around, great - if not, then you will know that he just didn't want you (maybe you're not his type). 4) If you do continue a relationship with him (now or later), then PROCEED SLOWLY, STOP QUESTIONING HIM, STOP ANALYZING EVERYTHING HE SAYS & DOES, and just have FUN! Too many women forget this concept. Dating should be fun at first - but some women proceed to get serious way too quickly & then wonder why the man is trailing behind them in the "feeling" department. Well, QUIT THAT CRAP! We all move at our own pace - and men are usually slower in this area, and they often show it differently than women do (but that doesn't mean that they feel any less love or caring for the women they date). 5) Do NOT give him SEX for a while - and explain to him why you want to postpone the sex. Such as saying that you need to be sure where the relationship is going (and only time will tell by how he 'treats' you). I would wait at least 1 month before having intimate encounters with him again. If he doesn't treat you well within that time period (he isn't coming over much, not calling much, not very affectionate, etc.), then you will need to drop him like a hot potato! If he gets more distant because you're not giving him sex - well, at least you'll have your answer (he's using you). You deserve the best - not second best! OP - if you continue to have 'unrealistic expectations', especially when a relationship is still fairly new (like yours), then you will NEVER be able to keep a good guy. You will end up scaring him, turning him off emotionally, mentally & sexually. Is this what you want? If not, STOP DOING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING! It's common sense that when a guy starts acting differently, especially more distant, then it's often because of the way the woman is behaving. Always be more aloof & casual in the beginnning - you'll see what a big difference this will make. He'll be chasing you instead of the other way around! I also suggest that you read some good books about men - because you need to know more information about them. I've learned a lot from reading excellent books on what men are all about. I now act differently, I have more fun on dates, and do not expect a man to move at the same pace as me. I'm also happier now than I've ever been, because I understand myself & men much better, which saves a lot of aggravation when dating! I'm also more selective with men - I only date those whom I feel are more likely to give me what I NEED & WANT, otherwise I move on! Relationships are about meeting BOTH partners' needs - NOT just pleasing your man! If you need to talk with him about "things" then do so, but I would do the above suggestions first for a while, then maybe have a talk about where your relationship is going IF & only if he starts acting like a considerate, caring boyfriend (which he isn't presently doing!). Good luck to you. You need to be strong & have patience! BEHAVE like you LOVE LIFE & YOURSELF, and are NOT willing to let yourself be used nor abused (mentally & emotionally).

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 124 (view)

The one thing that breaks the deal in forming a relationship Posted: 1/9/2008 8:49:11 PM
DISRESPECT - And that covers a lot of areas! I will NOT tolerate this in a partner - once he disrespects me, the relationship is over in my eyes, because for me it says, "I don't love you enough."

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 187 (view)

Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships? Posted: 1/9/2008 8:38:45 PM
MSG #186 - Thank you - well said! Like I said previously, there will be those who will be in denial of what I have said in my message (#183), and MSG #184 just proved my point! She let her EGO get in the way of actually seeing what is reality out there, and what is undesirable but MOST OFTEN controllable - weight issues! I wasn't being disrespectful - instead I was saying the TRUTH, which I'm sure many would agree with me (but, of course, not everyone).

prettyface2

Joined: 12/1/2007

Msg: 184 (view)

Does being/becoming overweight influence relationships? Posted: 1/9/2008 8:26:21 PM
MSG #184 - I was talking about "controllable" weight issues - not some fluke thing that can happen to someone - like getting into a major accident that causes one to be bed-ridden for a long time or disabled, or suddenly getting a life-threatening disease, sickness, etc. Use common sense here - oh, I just remembered something, some people don't have common sense! And by the way, I like all types of people, skinny or fat - I just wouldn't date big ones. That is MY preference & I have a right to choose who I want in a partner - whether you approve of this or not KSBBW972!

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