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quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 40 (view)

How to forget Posted: 3/22/2009 5:16:28 PM
original poster, you don't have to forget. in fact, i don't suggest it. she is the mother of your children. some of your best times were with her. to give up those memories is to lose an important part of yourself. what you need to do is accept. find peace. release the resentment and hurt from your life. time and self-reflection is the only way to accomplish this. then, and only then, you can start thinking about dating again. -have you ever eaten a persimmon? i'll relate an anecdote shared with me by a friend of mine. he was explaining the inspiration behind a series of self-portraits he took in which he was holding this fruit. He said to me, "Persimmons in themselves are astringent and inedible until they get a touch of frost, so are symbolic of the sweetening of human nature through the action of sorrow, essentially a symbol of compassion. Also they are symbolic of the autumn of life in general, the harvest moon, and the setting sun." the forced reflection of personal loss will soften your soul if you can learn to treasure what you loved in your old life, and with forgiveness will come a wish that those memories will exist for her too. remember why you loved her. don't ever forget it. keep it close, let her go, and wish her well. you can start anew with future friends and lovers, and your children will learn a valuable lesson about life from you. best of luck in your journey.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 121 (view)

Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think? Posted: 2/11/2009 3:08:10 PM
original poster, the question in the title of this thread is easy to answer: any well-adjusted woman can have a committed relationship with a man and at the same time, platonic friendships with as many men as she wants. in my opinion, that matter is closed. but there are several things going on in your message that unsettle me, which get a little complicated: first, the easy bit: it's obvious to me that this man she is friends with has fancied her for a long time, but for whatever reason prefers to keep her on a shelf, under glass, choose your metaphor. he doesnt want to, or cant, fully acknowledge these feelings to her, his wife, or possibly himself. but this invitation to spend a weekend together---expressly without you---when he knows you have been involved with her for a year, is clearly a strategy designed to break the two of you apart so she can go back to sitting on a shelf for him, so he has someone to go to once his shaky marriage finally collapses. this sounds like a pretty strong opinion, but i come to it after considering that it's clear you are not welcome to join her (which i find very suspicious and unreasonable), he is being dishonest with his wife about her (they obviously have trust issues of their own which does not bode well for them, even with kids, especially since neither mom nor dad are dealing with it), and she held news of this invitation from you which suggests to me less that she is worried about your reaction than worried about losing HIM (he's got about 19 years on you in her life) and that she's someone he can control. he would not put her in this position if he cared about her---there would be no question of you being welcome if that was really the case. she's his backup plan. she's isolated. moreover, she's made some bad choices already so having been involved with her for a year, a good year if we are to trust your description, it is reasonable to expect you to be included in this trip and you are justified in being concerned she will make a bad decision that weekend. but she's not the only one making bad decisions here. if you want a solid relationship with this woman, or any woman, you are going to have to accept that platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex are not only possible, but necessary for us to be whole, healthy human beings whether in a committed relationship or not. Yes, as her boyfriend it is your business what she does and who she does it with, but it's not your call. normally i would advise the two of you to talk it out, but i think youve said some things to her that have thrown a wrench into that process, and given your poor insight into the whole situation, i have doubts about this problem ever being resolved. i think you may have to chalk this one up to experience, and perhaps start thinking outside the lines of gross generalizations of male/female behaviour if you want your luck with relationships to improve. every person, and situation, is different. all the best~

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 3 (view)

Emotionally Distant Girlfriend Posted: 2/11/2009 2:06:14 PM
original poster, this thread at face value reflects an impressive amount of patience and dedication on your part. to date a girl for seven months with very little contact and seemingly no physical component at all is very unusual. there could be a number of things going on here, with both of you, but assuming you understand and respect what writing a doctorate thesis takes out of a person, i would strongly recommend you stick it out with her until her schooling is finished (one more month isnt going to kill you) and GRADUALLY allow her to introduce you into her life. if she chooses to, your relationship is off to an incredible start. but as you seem to sense, yes... there is a chance she will have problems adjusting to her new freedoms and won't know what to do with herself. all i can suggest is that you continue to be patient and gentle with her, and hope she returns it when she is ready, for as long as you can. if this does not happen, do not take it personally. i really dont think that is the issue here. good luck~

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 106 (view)

Credit for Being Normal Posted: 11/25/2008 3:21:58 PM
original poster, this thread and most of the knee-jerk responses in it sadden me. they should sadden you too. first of all, i am sorry to hear that you are having heart problems so early in life and i understand that must affect you very deeply. i wish you all the best for a speedy recovery. i also hope you come to the realisation that your new perspective in this life-altering event will very likely not serve you for the better. traumatic events change you, but they do not change the world around you. as much as some would like to believe it, we are not entitled to the very best that those around us have to offer; everyone is human and flawed and struggling in their own way to make it in an often cold and unforgiving world. my read on this situation is that your ex-boyfriend is a man who has grown weary of the expectations placed on him in his life and trusted you too much to indulge in his self-pity more than appropriate for such an early relationship, or perhaps any relationship. i am not defending his actions, but your claim that he continued this behaviour at your bedside is so outrageous that it begs the question why it wasnt the central topic of your thread rather than a later afterthought... unless that claim is exaggerated, or false. when seeking sympathy we often bend our side of the story to manipulate the responses we get; it is a common flaw many of us have. like self-pity, for another example. despite his self-pity, he was kind to you as you concede and probably thought very fondly of you. and this is where i think you have given him short-shrift: i have no doubt he was also deeply affected by your near-death experience. what a shock on top of that to find out, after nearly losing you to a heart attack, that you have changed your mind about him and no longer want him in your life. i cant imagine many of us would know how to deal with that, especially right on the spot. i would be at a loss for words. did you honestly expect a hug and a clean break after what had just happened? i can say that in your place, i imagine a heart-attack or similar near-death experience would put me in a more humble position rather than less so. you are correct, nothing is to be taken for granted in this life, but especially not the human, flawed people around you who care about you. that is the most precious thing in life. there are far too many who don't care, or whom are incapable of even that. my advice to you, is to take as much personal time as you need to deal with your physical and emotional healing, and to be kinder to those around you. i am sure you do not want to be remembered as someone who became bitter and selfish near the end of your life, and it could very well end tomorrow. as for your ex? flawed and insensitive, yes. traumatised by these same events you have been through? Very likely. hopefully he will learn from them. remember, only death closes a person's reputation and determines it as good or bad. all the best in this new chapter of your life. regards~

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 13 (view)

Reflections on stock markets in general Posted: 11/9/2008 3:37:23 PM
i will freely confess i don't know a whole lot about what passes for a financial system in America. partly this is deliberate; i know a few people who are quite knowledgeable on these matters, and whenever they start writing or talking about it, it always puts my BS detector into the red zone. not because I think these friends of mine are full of it, but because the system itself really seems very much like a shell game, a flimsy house of cards very carefully rigged to facilitate deliberate manipulation by the few who have pretended enough money into existence to write the rules, on the backs of the many who are kept busy with fatuous debates over trickle-down vs. bubble-up. and it's not just a shell game, it's a religion — or, perhaps more accurately, a cult. it works if you just believe hard enough. if you see circular doubletalk, if you see codified nonsense, if you see random phenomena causally linked by decree, it's because you're not believing hard enough; (or you can just pretend really hard, and that'll get you by, kinda.) this is usually where the babble about the invisible hand comes in. i took a macroeconomics course in university. it was well and coherently taught by a knowledgeable professor, and i had the same reaction; i don't think this is simply a case of disdain for that which i do not fully understand. so the other day on the plane, i was scanning the front page of a newspaper and an assertion in the fifth paragraph of this article jumped out at me. "In normal times, [the market] runs on a healthy mix of fear and greed." a healthy mix of fear and greed? WTF is that? Is that like a healthy mix of lead and cadmium? A healthy mix of carbon monoxide and gamma radiation? A healthy mix of high-voltage current and, um, melamine? All of those things are useful in relatively small quantities when properly controlled and applied, but all of them are also deadly in relatively small quantities, and nobody would seriously argue for building the backbone of an entire society on a "healthy mix" of any of them. i think this so-called "healthy mix of fear and greed" is probably a root cause of a great deal of the society's ills.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 244 (view)

What do guys think about a girl contacting them first? Posted: 5/18/2008 11:20:07 PM
tiny skydiver, i really dont think you need our opinions to affirm your feelings about how this man acted. Just be a little more solid in your perspective, your feelings, and what you think is right. dont allow a man to dictate to you what you should or should not do or feel. if your own conscience tells you that youve done something questionable before it's even been pointed out, listen to the criticism, seek advice and make up your own mind about it. you, just like everyone else, has the right to point out when you think youre being treated unfairly, and with that right comes the responsibility of accepting valid criticism, which i certainly dont see reason for in this circumstance. go dutch if you like, but no one should insist the other cover the whole tab. if he offers to pay, graciously accept. if he insists you pay for him, walk out. good luck and dont give up.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

The Perfect Love Letter Posted: 5/18/2008 6:22:41 PM
original poster, one of the things i like best about being in a good relationship is having an opportunity to express our deepest feelings, especially in poems or letters. for this reason i am generally drawn to articulate people. the best letters i have gotten were from a young lady who majored in english literature during her time at university. she had studied poetry extensively and was quite an accomplished poet herself. i still have her writings tucked away somewhere as a reminder of what i can inspire in another human being. i think the best parts of a good love letter reveal someone's appreciation of a tiny moment that others would overlook, and seeing that someone noticed that about you can be very affirming; it feels wonderful. as such, i always make a point of noticing and commenting on the little things i like about someone else. i think such compliments carry the most weight. great topic; thanks for posting.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 241 (view)

What do guys think about a girl contacting them first? Posted: 5/18/2008 6:14:47 PM
original poster, i strongly believe that for a woman, this is the way to go. Many women on this site simply compose a profile and wait for emails to come in, and this is the extent of their experience here. i think that it makes for a much more pleasant experience if a woman actively seeks out the person they want to associate with and concentrate on those contacts. the quality of the messages you get in return, as well as your success rate, will make your online experience far more rewarding. the best dates i have been on so far, were with women who initiated contact with me. best of luck to you.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

What makes tool boxes smell like vomit? Posted: 5/18/2008 6:01:21 PM
original poster, the number one cause of foul odour in toolboxes would be poor quality rubber with high VOCs (volatile organic compound) such as you would find in rubber mallets or hammer handles bought at discount tool stores such as harbour freight or walmart or princess auto. my mallet is a urethane deadblow hammer bought at a specialty tool store. none of my tools have rubber handles. my toolbox sees daily use in my profession and i have had it for twelve years, it has always smelled like hickory. anything made of rubber will offgas horribly if it is made from poor quality rubber. avoid these, and your toolbox will smell just fine. good luck

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 10 (view)

Character as a quality - charitable acts as a sign of it Posted: 5/18/2008 5:42:29 PM
original poster, great topic. what you are really asking is how to tell a truly benevolent gentleman from a machiavellian one---one who performs acts of kindness not from the heart but only for appearances. unfortunately, it cant be distilled to a simple algorithm---people can be great actors and it is only by spending real time with them and engaging them in long, deep conversations that their true nature begins to come out. it requires patience, bravery, understanding and empathy. it is more often that the little moments in life speak the loudest. for instance, when someone says something you know is truly heartfelt or anticipates a need before you show any indication of that need. such things only come with time and in the long run, are worth the investment. i think exchanging a lot of emails before a first meeting and dating only one person at a time are good places to start, when dating online. hope this helps.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 57 (view)

Has anyone dated someone with asbergers? Posted: 3/30/2008 12:47:21 AM
original poster, asperger's syndrome has been discussed at length in this forum before. from what i know of the disorder, symptoms vary widely from one type to the other, and unfortunately for those who seek a kneejerk reaction to the word "aspergers" no two people with this disorder are exactly alike. some you would never suspect of it. some of the more severe cases have similar symptoms, yes, but the high functioning ones can be taken as just as lost in this big world as the rest of us. my advice to you, if you still have the inclination, is to get to know this facebook friend on a real level and treat them with the same courtesy as you would any other. my information tells me the occurrence of asperger's in the general population sits in the 1:400 ratio, with occurrence in the female population 4 to 10 times as rare as male. the definitive publication on the disorder is currently available at chapters/indigo, Tony Attwood, "Asperger's Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals" ISBN 1-85302-577-1 when reading your opening post, what stands out about it is not the disorder of your female friend, but your negative attitude towards it. if you "just cant stop thinking about" excuses to scuttle whatever it is you two have, shes looking better than you are at this point. She likely faces more hardship in a day than you do in a month, so stop whining; the last thing anyone with a disorder like that needs is another quitter. she might just make a man out of you if you give her a chance, so go ask her out. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 11 (view)

Why don't we have a Shinkansen in Canada? Posted: 2/24/2008 9:19:38 PM
original poster, the chief reason population density is a decisive force in building massive infrastructure like that is the taxroll revenue. canada has fewer citizens than the state of california; there isnt even a faint hope our citizens could support the costs of such an undertaking over such a large area. an aside about our rail infrastructure; when the easy motoring lifestyle began to take off in the forties and fifties, rail line after rail line was torn out to make way for roadways. this is a big mess because as energy prices continue to rise, rail will make more and more sense as rail freight is four times as fuel efficient as transport trucking. we will not be able to take advantage of rail freight or transport without a huge investment in rebuilding rail infrastructure. remember these words when energy prices reach critical levels as they are guaranteed to, this will undoubtedly become a platform political issue in the years to come.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 52 (view)

As we get older, our true friends can be counted on one hand. Posted: 2/23/2008 12:43:42 PM
original poster, i think youve defined very well what to look for and avoid in a close friend. however, i dont think it's necessary to discard people in your life who are unable to honour you the way you honour them. i have two friends upon which i can depend absolutely, and a number of friends whom have demonstrated that i cannot. i still talk with them, and enjoy their company. i simply take note of what they are capable of, and i go into each situation with clear expectations. if you do not set the bar too high for them, they will not disappoint you. in turn, they cannot use you if you set healthy boundaries for yourself. of course along the way there will be conflict, and people grow apart, but keeping these principles in mind will help keep you off the losing end. and about that, i do not look at my friends solely in terms of what they are providing to me, that is not the purpose of true friendship. in a social situation, to me the most important moment is right now, the most important person is who i am with, and the most important question is do i care. i worry more about my own standards of behaviour than those of the people around me and i think it shows. if people sense that you are in it for yourself, they will tend to treat you accordingly. this holds true for friends, lovers, coworkers, and complete strangers alike. i hope your luck turns around.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 15 (view)

detach...with love Posted: 2/22/2008 3:15:22 PM
original poster, brilliant question. yes, i have been in a relationship with someone who had a mental illness that was not apparent to me until it was too late. it was the first time i was able to put the principles you're talking about into practice successfully. it was very difficult not to take her behaviour towards me personally, but after stepping back from the situation each time, i was able to move from indignation to sympathy. though i do not know her whereabouts at this time, there is no anger toward her. i remember the good times i had with her, and though i regret that we could not stay in touch, for my sake as well as hers, i accept that it was for the best. to come to this point took a tremendous amount of personal growth, and key to this growth is an understanding that you have worth as an individual regardless of what other individuals in your life may think, or want you to think. when you develop a strong sense of self you can approach any situation with the knowledge that come what will, you will remain in one piece; this is essential if you want to find a whole relationship with someone in the future. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 168 (view)

why is needy negative? Posted: 2/21/2008 4:38:48 PM
original poster, in order for us to outline why neediness is perceived as a cardinal social sin, we must first imagine ourselves on the receiving end of it, and gauge our own reactions. For the sake of argument, let's take one of your friends. Preferably not your best friend, someone with whom you have a passing acquaintance and see regularly. Someone with whom you would normally be comfortable accepting a dinner at home invitation from. Imagine one day out of the blue this person calls you up and at some point says, "i NEED you to come to our house for dinner." no reason given, it does not matter. i NEED you. i NEED you to come spend time with me. today. right now. how does that make you feel? do you feel trapped? awkward? uncomfortable, smothered? most of us would. this is the same kind of intrusion on one's personal space as eight text messages or phone calls a day would be. even those of us desperate to find a partner might feel insulted that someone doesn't trust us enough to say yes to them in the first place. we all value our sense of individual self and want to be loved for our own merits, and not lose ourselves in the whirlwind of someone else's nightmares. that sense of urgency is the single most destructive force in a lonely person's social life, because it does not allow the people around you, to be their own selves. the only cure is patiently cultivating friendships, old and new, with the people in your life and drawing sustenance from your daily pastimes until you become the kind of person that others are drawn to. if you lack that interpersonal insight, and simply cant solve the puzzle, seek professional counselling. no prince or princess on this site or elsewhere will magically fall into your lap and cure your emotional problems, they are your own to sort out first. good luck

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 69 (view)

How did you come up with your screen name? Posted: 2/20/2008 5:12:28 PM
original poster, my screen name is the latin term meaning "whither are you going", biblical in origin, and used in the context of asking someone who is embarking on a journey of profound importance, where they are going. it implies that whomever i choose to engage in conversation is on an important journey or entering a new phase of their life, whatever that is and it is this depth of knowing a person that i seek. what are your hopes, your dreams, your passionate beliefs and where are they taking you in life. perhaps if we are going more or less in the same direction, we can walk that line together. regards

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 42 (view)

Car Problem Question?? Posted: 2/20/2008 4:38:18 PM
vinny, i am not sure what makes your advice here better than anyone else's. of course a monte carlo does not have a power steering cooler, and perhaps instead of asking him to not change the converter you might refer to it as replacing transmission fluid to minimise confusion. perhaps it is just your luck, but as a professional mechanic with interprovincial certification i have come across several mechanics in my time who simply shouldnt be mechanics. ive also spent time in specialist automotive forums and found some of them invaluable for solving difficult problems, ie certain members who have serial number breaks for parts memorised and have access to microfiches, service bulletins, and recall notices that are years, even decades out of print. there are also plenty of regular joes who have lived with their old cars for years and can steer you towards good sources for parts, bad ones, and help you avoid common mistakes. in any case vinny we can agree that a dating site is the last place one should go to for repair advice, especially old car repair advice. yetanotherone, it seems my advice is going right over your head and this thread is doing nothing more than providing the rest of us with an unfolding train-wreck to watch. my parting advice to you is to stick to the montecarloss forums and see if you can find someone local to calgary who can point you to a reputable mechanic in your area. you are going to need one. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Car Problem Question?? Posted: 2/18/2008 9:30:17 PM
yetanotherone, regarding your radiator. i would suggest before you replace it, to take it to a shop that recores radiators. have them boil it out and pressure test it. if the filler neck is damaged, a new one can be soldered on to the side tank. that leak on the opposite end of the rad, if it is at the solder joint where the core meets the side tank, can be repaired by soldering. in any case, even if the radiator needs to be completely recored, it will price out less than a new radiator. if you do decide to go with a new radiator, i would advise you to use a triple core radiator. the two-core will cost less, but the triple will cool much better in the summer and you can always dam it in the winter. it's better to have one that's more forgiving. i dont think your friend has a solid understanding of how thermostatically controlled fan couplings work. i think she was fluffing to give herself time to think. the fan coupling makes absolutely no noise when it cycles on or off. it has a bimetallic coil spring that expands with heat and engages the fan at a certain temperature, and when it cools the coupler disengages and allows the fan to freewheel. when the car is cold, you should feel some resistance when trying to turn the fan. it shouldnt spin more than half a revolution or so, and shouldnt bind. yes, a vacuum motor could be making that noise, it's a very good guess. see the difference there as opposed to here? as for the a/c, if you are concerned about it you can always remove the drive belt and that should reduce wear at the compressor clutch pulley. it is a good idea to turn it on for a few minutes once a month to cycle the refrigerant oil through the system and keep things moving, though. again, if the pads are not worn out, they can be left on the car, but do change the brake hoses, and flush the system with clean fluid once every two years. i change it when it turns brown. keep us all updated and if you can post links to pictures, it will probably help. not sure if site rules allow that. good luck

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

Car Problem Question?? Posted: 2/17/2008 6:52:48 PM
original poster, wow. my head is just REELING from the horrible advice given in this thread. CV joints? head gaskets? how old were the previous owners??? sure, just chop off the cat converter. Why not? yetanotherone, at this point i think the most sound advice i can give you is to stop seeking advice here. rsx11s suggested in a previous thread to seek a specialty car enthusiasts website and i still think that is the best place to seek repair advice as most people there know more about your car than any mechanic in town. having said that, if you want advice you need to change the way you post. your posts are full of typos, they go on and on, it seems your thoughts are on the page as soon as they pop into your head. this has to stop. you need to make your posts more readable if you want someone to pay attention to them. i admit, i havent read half of what youve written here, its too painful. dont take it personally, im just trying to help. now as for your car questions, virtualdemo mentioned an "exhaust flapper" which is actually called an exhaust manifold heat riser, which is a plausible guess. this valve sits between the exhaust manifold and the exhaust pipe on the back of your engine. it will have a vacuum line coming from a dashpot on the side which should lead to a thermal vacuum switch somewhere on your intake manifold or thermostat housing. if the linkage between the dashpot and the heat riser valve, it will make a faint rattling noise. write the name of the valve down and have your mechanic friend give it a wiggle. if this noise sounds like its coming from inside the cab, it is probably an electric relay doing something it shouldnt. it could also be the blower motor fan blades hitting a popsicle stick or something inside the heater case. no, your heater core will not make noise. you may hear gurgling inside it if your antifreeze level is low. you said before you had heard this noise before. if it has stopped, and you havent added any antifreeze, youd better get some in there before you overheat the engine and crack the engine block. yes, definitely replace the brake hoses, right now. there will be three in total, one on each front wheel and one for the rear axle. the fluid loss at your master cylinder is likely coming from the "grommets" (thats what theyre called) that go between your reservoir and the master cylinder itself. last i checked, they were not available separately. you will probably have to replace the whole thing. in the meantime, check the fluid level inside the reservoir daily. if it starts dropping rapidly, take it in right away. you should have had your mechanic explain to you what he was pointing out about the rear brakes. if you call him, would he remember? they might be fine. as for your radiator cap, here is how to remove it. go to canadian tire and buy yourself a pair of slip-joint pliers (channellocks) with jaws that will spread to the diameter of your radiator cap. theyre the kind that you can change the jaw opening by spreading the handles all the way open, youll see some channels near the jaws that look like this: ))))) now, once you have gripped the cap with the pliers squeeze just tightly enough that the jaws stop slipping on the cap, and turn COUNTER CLOCKWISE one quarter-turn. grip the cap sideways, just as you would twist a beer cap off. if you look at the gripping teeth in the jaws, you will see that they bite harder in one direction than the other, and to get the best grip with the least pressure, go at the cap with the jaws making an inverted "c" around the cap. If you twist too hard you will destroy the radiator. if you dont think you understand what ive said, dont try it, get your mechanic friend to do it. replace the radiator cap right away with one that doesnt bind. your radiator fluid is probably milky because it hasnt been changed in a long time. radiator fluid contains additives to prevent rust inside the engine and radiator, and these additives are used up over time, whether you have driven the car or not. if you dont change the fluid right away, your radiator will rust out and leak. to change it properly, you will have to locate the draincock (basically a little faucet) on the bottom of your radiator, at one of the bottom corners, and twist counterclockwise with pliers to open it. there will also be another drain on the side of the engine block tucked underneath the exhaust manifold, on one side of the engine, you will need tons of clearance under the car to get at it properly. i recommend replacing the thermostat and upper and lower rad hoses at the same time. it would not hurt to also change the heater hoses. after that, change the rad fluid every year. you can buy extended life antifreeze but generally i find people who use it do it once and forget all about it, and after eight or nine years there goes the radiator. if you want me to read any more of your responses, please slow down. clean them up. i have more advice for you but honestly you have too much happening all at once. you should find an enthusiasts site, and line up another car or another way to get to work until you get comfortable with this one. the way you are going now, you are going to waste tons of money replacing things you dont need, and will probably make a mistake that will cause major damage. S-L-O-W D-O-W-N. take one repair at a time, dont bombard your posts with dozens of little issues all at once, and dont depend on your car for transportation until youve got it running properly. good luck and congratulations to you for buying what sounds like a very good car.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

rude or brave pick up? Posted: 2/16/2008 10:39:39 PM
original poster, it sounds to me like this gentleman was smitten right away and was simply trying to connect with you. it may have struck you as odd, but we often dont choose the circumstances that bring us face to face with people we are attracted to; and sometimes those circumstances are awkward. its a situation everyone has faced, including you. dont let awkward circumstances spoil your odds of finding your prince. my advice is to give this man the same chance you would give any other. you have his contact information... it's now up to you. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Warning, some women are too over cautious! Posted: 2/14/2008 9:19:55 AM
original poster, i must take exception to your views about meeting a woman with her friends. i think for most women, this is a great idea as it affords her some protection if you turn out to be unstable, and it also provides her with some insight as to how you can handle social groups. i would never be offended if a woman insisted on introducing me to some of her friends on a first meeting. however, for the women, i offer some important etiquette advice: Please let the man know of your plans to do so beforehand. Also, never be rude. even if your date turns out to be a dud, do not simply turn your back on him and shut him out of the group. this will only provoke an outburst. at least let the man know where he stands and end the date before you start socialising with others in the room. hope this helps.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 34 (view)

self-harm and self esteem in dating Posted: 2/11/2008 3:22:51 PM
margo, brilliant reply. so often in relationships, emotion can take a backseat to logic; often because the person does not recognise the prompting event or understand their reaction to it. sometimes before they even realise what has happened, the reaction has taken place, leaving both people puzzled. i think a large part of breaking the cycle lies in self-awareness and mindfulness; but understanding the process can also help one recognise the warning signs in others, which can be so subtle. i think thats why this question is so difficult to pin-down, as youve observed: no one can know what makes up a person's past, or what the prompting event was, even if they do see the slide in confidence. listening is a big deal, i agree.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 32 (view)

self-harm and self esteem in dating Posted: 2/11/2008 1:31:12 PM
smileyface34, i think you understood and responded to this thread beautifully. and i agree somewhat, if one has their mind made up that they dont deserve someone, it can be difficult or impossible to convince them otherwise. emotional minfulness and correct interpretation of social cues are at the root of the discussion here. thanks for your input; i hope the discussion continues.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 28 (view)

Self Harm and Self Esteem In Dating Posted: 2/11/2008 12:50:42 PM
all thread participants, for those of you who mistakenly assumed i was taking this question from my own experience, i thank you for your concern, but that concern is misplaced. for the others who misinterpreted the way in which i framed the question, i offer it again: imagining yourself feeling intimidated by a potential partner either through their sense of humour, material trappings, or generally sound mental health, which i think is possible for anyone; how do you suppose that person might make you feel comfortable again. some here have tried to answer it, and im surprised at the pessimism: is that all there is? no hope? i think its quite possible, and for some, easy, to hit an emotional brick wall with their partner if they come off as too kind or giving, generally taking things too fast, or inadvertently asking prying questions that, though valid, may cause the other to panic. how might one sense this is happening, and bring things around? suitesoulbrotha here is how the title and the subject matter come together: i also think, on the other side, that sometimes we unconsciously engage in self-destructive behaviours that sabotage personal relationships to protect ourselves from what we see as the inevitable, eventual rejection by our partners. what is the prompting event? and finally, i dont think there is any question on whose shoulders one's own self esteem should lie: that is not within the frame of the question. thanks again to all.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

self-harm and self esteem in dating Posted: 2/9/2008 9:31:00 PM
i came up with an interesting sociological question earlier tonight and ive decided to put it up for discussion. since online dating is only a decade or so old, new social theories are coming up about it all the time. hopefully this question is relatively fresh and interesting to you. for most of us, browsing profiles and emails becomes tiresome after awhile, especially if most of what you see day in and day out is far beneath what you would consider serious prospects. what if, one day, the mr. or ms. right youve been searching so long for finally appears, and to your growing disbelief things go swimmingly; to the point that you get the overwhelming feeling that youre in over your head? and your knee-jerk response is to suddenly make yourself less and less available, to shield yourself from rejection or embarrassment? now again putting yourself in that exact situation, of finding yourself feeling outclassed by your date AND afraid to communicate with him/her further, what do you suppose the other person might be able to do, to calm your fears and bring you back to the table? has anyone done it for you and can you describe how you think they did it? thanks to all for reading and i appreciate all responses.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 58 (view)

why do guys do this Posted: 2/9/2008 3:36:23 PM
original poster, perhaps the man you were corresponding with was also talking with another potential date, and they made a decision to committ to each other before you got the chance. whether this is true or not, it is likely the best assumption, for your peace of mind. it explains the unexplainable. imagining yourself in the same scenario, it may feel awkward to explain to a second candidate that you had another man lined up ahead of him, and chose that one instead. it would likely result in heartbreak, or profanity in the ensuing response. i offer that as an explanation for his behaviour, and encourage you to pass this on to your female friends. hope it helps.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 14 (view)

Stuck In The Mud Posted: 2/7/2008 9:40:55 PM
original poster, deep regrets that this happened to you. i can recall an instance where a landscaping truck was stalled in the middle of a busy intersection not far from my house when i lived in toronto. the truck's clutch pedal linkage had fallen apart. i happened to have my toolbox in my van at the time; and i not only helped push the truck safely to the side of the road, i repaired the clutch linkage. i still hear from the driver of that truck occasionally by email, six years later. some people see such situations and immediately become self-conscious. it reminds them of how fragile life is. i elect to see them, as an opportunity to make a meaningful connection with another person in a moment of personal crisis; and if nothing else, to remind them that they are not alone in their pain. in our time of need, we all become the same. that is why doing such things feels so good: we can all immediately relate to the gratitude, and the mercy, of a good deed, regardless of which side we happen to be on at the time.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 2 (view)

Saturn Sky or Chrysler Crossfire??? Posted: 2/7/2008 9:25:13 PM
mrUPS, that is a class where logic takes a backseat to emotion. no one buys a convertible with practical sensibilities foremost in their mind. from personal experience, today's saturn and chrysler marques are more or less neck-and-neck as/re build quality, which likely wont be an issue for you anyway. i am taking the leap to assume you will be leasing this vehicle and turning it over long before things begin to wear out. the only logical answer to such an emotional question, is to suggest that you take each car on an extended test drive. if the dealership senses that you are serious, they will allow it. get to know each vehicle inside and out. the one that feels more right to you will soon become obvious. this is the one true way to confidently choose the car that is right for you. best of luck in your decision.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 22 (view)

Clueless about cars... oil changes question Posted: 2/3/2008 5:08:22 PM
original poster, oil change intervals are specified on a "whatever comes first" basis for several reasons. Oil contains a number of different additives, some of which are depleted over time whether the engine is running or not (corrosion inhibitors for example). Other additives, like viscosity modifiers (dont bother remembering these names) break down from the shearing action of sliding parts inside your engine, which happens while it is running. Also, sand and dust particles, as well as carbon from the combustion of gasoline, will accumulate in the oil and oil filter. it is also important to consider your driving habits when making the decision on how often to change your oil. if you are in the habit of making short trips with your car of less than ten minutes or so, you should change your oil even more often than recommended. why? an engine needs a certain amount of time to reach operating temperature. this temperature varies, but in all cases is above the boiling point of water and other liquids that condense inside your engine when it is shut off, just like water condenses on windows in the cold. if your engine does not warm up properly at least once every few days, this water and acid will collect in the oil to the point where it begins to rust out the inside of your engine. for your personal situation, i think we are splitting hairs here. an oil change costs about $25-30, and you are asking us how much difference a month and a half will make on the life of your engine. for the pittance you are saving, i see no justifiable reason not to change the oil, especially if you have already budgeted that expense. if your car is still under warranty, regular maintenance is a condition of that warranty; and if you make a warranty claim on the engine in the future, your service records will be subject to review. if they dont pass muster, you could be out of luck. i could argue further about the facts, justify my reasoning with reams of scientific reference, link you to websites and bore you to death with technical minutiae which you wont understand or care to understand, but the only meaningful advice there is to give you is to do it right and cry once. you were going to do it anyway, after all. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 30 (view)

Am I being made the punch line of a joke? Posted: 2/3/2008 8:32:11 AM
original poster, i believe if this kid is truly interested in you there is little you could do to throw him off. he will likely try to contact you again regardless of what you do. however, if you feel you must satisfy your curiosity, understand that you are making yourself vulnerable to ridicule by doing so. i am loath for playing games, but if you must, follow sweetgemini's advice and say your boss gave you the note and you have no idea who it is. by doing this you will at least have some time on the phone with him to gauge his sincerity. but keep him on a short leash and if there is any further sign of ridicule, end it. that said, the best advice here is to throw the note away. remember those two laughing friends of his will still be his friends whether you end up dating him or not, and you can count on them being right in your face for the duration of the relationship. i would want no part of that. good luck

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 1 (view)

cheap domain name Posted: 1/25/2008 3:00:31 PM
hi, im wondering what is the cheapest way to register an exclusive domain name for my business. like for instance, galaxydonuts dot com. as long as i can do simple html coding for the page with maybe four hotlinked secondary pages, a few images, a background image, couple gifs, maybe 1000 hits a month or less, i doubt i need any more than that. but really, the domain name is the bare minimum. thanks for any suggestions.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 4 (view)

Are you really ready to date or get into a long termed relationship? Posted: 1/21/2008 3:41:17 PM
original poster, if there was any doubt as to my readiness, i would not be here. i carry the fond memories of my past relationships with me as a reminder of what i am capable of and look forward to the day when i can share my capabilities and emotions with someone who is ready to appreciate and return them. in the meantime, i am taking life as it comes and am in no rush to change anything. i have plenty of other pursuits to keep me happy. i think this is truly where someone needs to be before they come here seeking a relationship. the fallout from those who are not ready is seen all too often as subjects of hot debate on these forums, and the inboxes of men and women alike. i have been on a few dates where it was obvious my date was not ready, and i am at that point where this does not bother me and i can end things amicably. if however, you find this site to be frustrating you and begin to dread coming here, or get distraught when dates dont pan out, that is usually a clear signal that you have unfinished business. know yourself, understand your healing rhythms, dont be afraid to seek help from others, and heed the call to life. it all seems so cliché until you see the truth in it; only then can you move forward. hope this helps.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

No Sex Tonight Posted: 1/21/2008 2:45:50 PM
original poster, i cannot speak to her reasons for lack of libido or your mutual loss of interest, but speaking from personal experience i can more or less dismiss the back issues as a cause of your troubles. i was in a four year relationship with a woman with moderate back issues, and though it was painful for her at times we were both very much satisfied. her back was eventually surgically corrected; our sex lives were not affected as a result. her lack of libido is likely a hormonal issue, and your dysfunction with each other might be solved through a combination of proper medication, and counselling. if left untreated your relationship will likely falter. as/re this comment, "Of course counseling is always an option but hell nine times out of ten they are not telling me something I don’t already know." okay. but the problem is you are not taking the action that is clearly needed to save your relationship. it almost seems to me like you are simply letting it fall apart because you think since her libido faltered first, it is her fault and you are therefore not accountable for the demise of the relationship. what you need to consider is that her lack of libido may well be beyond her control and not a conscious rejection of you. your resentment of her may seem completely justified to you but may be completely unfounded in the first place. if you /want/ this relationship to continue, you need to take the reins and do your part to bring it back on track. you can start by taking stock of what you really know and seeking real answers to what you don't, and the best way to do that is through, you guessed it, counselling. since you have instead joined a dating site, i have to wonder if my words havent fallen on deaf ears. you seem to have all the answers you need; it is what you do with those answers that will make or break your relationship. theres more than just you and her riding on this decision; i can count at least two very young reasons to consider. think about what youve got before you throw it away. good luck

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 65 (view)

Define clingy Posted: 1/17/2008 7:44:00 PM
original poster, in my view the only absolute definition of clingy that can be made, is emotional neediness that oversteps the tacit boundaries of the partner's comfort zone. for all of us this is different; but for most of us, work is not to be interrupted except in case of emergency. some are quite happy to be with their partner at all other times, but many others find a loss of personal identity if they have to forsake their normal activities to satisfy their partner. when choosing a potential partner, i find it is wise to gauge their time committments outside of work, and match these committments to your own. if you both immensely enjoy each others' company, then the normal frivolities we all engage in can be dispensed with to allott for more time together. but since most of us find hobbies when we are single, and many of them stick once we have found a partner, i think it is safe to assume that if you are more or less as busy as the person you are considering, you wont stifle each other. hope this helps.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 17 (view)

Drinks on a first date? Posted: 1/17/2008 7:06:13 PM
kevinmach, as/re this comment, "I certainly would not be going to these lengths to model my dates behavior. This sounds dangerously close to pretending to be something your not." i completely disagree. it is exactly what i am. i drink socially, and usually have one or two when i am finished work, but i would give up drinking completely if a woman i was dating insisted on it. i am not in love with alcohol. that said, i am not averse to getting silly with a partner if we are both comfortable with it. getting silly in front of someone who does not enjoy drinking on the other hand, is in my view, disrespectful. regards.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

Drinks on a first date? Posted: 1/17/2008 6:38:50 PM
original poster, i do not opt for drinks on a first meeting. i believe it sends the wrong message. i prefer midday meetings in a neutral quiet setting, which, if things go swimmingly, can progress to dinner or some other pastime or sit just fine on its own. i would agree to drinks in a lounge atmosphere on a formal date, or a second or third; but in your case, she sent a clear signal to you that you apparently missed. when i am entertaining someone over drinks, i always pay attention to her pace and adjust mine accordingly. in your case, you ordered a beer, and she, a sprite. that should have been a clear signal to you, that she does not drink and having a second beer probably would not go over well. in my opinion you ran the red light and earned your demerit. that said, i have to take exception to the point made about the barkeep calling you by name. i once spent a couple hours at a local pub and did not return for another two weeks. on my second ever visit to the same pub, the hostess remembered my name. take note, this is what theyre paid to do. if you dont want your name remembered, dont give it. but as i said, taking the second drink without a go-ahead from her was in my view, the dealbreaker. regrets.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

I don't wanna see the rejection Posted: 1/16/2008 6:48:49 PM
original poster, i have the same problem. i keep writing "pig" on all my cheques, i keep forgetting it's "rat". my landlord was quite upset. cheers

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 53 (view)

Are the men really more needy than women? Posted: 1/16/2008 4:06:46 PM
all thread participants, great topic. and interesting timing; this just came up in a conversation i had with a nice lady who sent me a cold letter. i think what the original poster is speaking to is a direct symptom of gender roles in online dating, which is to me an interesting sociological phenomenon in itself. its a new medium, and for many of us a new experience with little precedent to guide us. what i have noticed in my short time here, is that for the most part, women (especially the attractive ones) simply complete their profiles and manage their inboxes to find compatible dates. this seems customary, for in most societies the women play defense, and the men make the first approach. unfortunately for both parties in this case, the most attractive women get almost all of the responses, the men run themselves ragged chasing the most attractive women, whether they are attractive themselves or not; and the most attractive women getting most of the responses, only respond to the most attractive or successful looking men. in the end, everyone gets jaded and frustrated and impatient, and they take it out on the forums (or their best female friends, as it may be). does this ring true for most of us? i believe as a society our gender roles are shifting, and the world of online dating for whatever reason is lagging. perhaps dating sites are simply a clearinghouse for neurotic individuals, which in a sense is true; but even for those of us who are not, recognising the above pattern and taking steps to break it can have positive results. for instance, this lady who sent me a cold letter got me thinking about her approach and to me, it makes perfect sense. her profile suggests she is looking for a stable relationship, one that progresses from friendship; with someone who is down-to-earth, yet interesting and cultured. well so am i; but the curveball here is that rather than passively screening her inbox, she seeks the profiles that appear congruent with her values, and she makes the first move. it impressed me right off the bat, and it also seems to me she will deal with a lot less toxic and immature correspondence this way. i would suggest this same approach to any woman who wants to feel empowered by her own decisions rather than victimised by the bottom-feeders with a chip on their shoulders. it's your life; go out and get it. as for the other frustrated individuals---men and women alike---who are chasing people beyond their means, step back and take a cold hard look at what you have to offer someone. for example, if you are obese, and are only pursuing people who weigh far less than you do, understand that you have a very low chance at success unless you have something else to offer, to compensate for that. you may on the other hand be attractive and have a social disorder, and you will likely have to settle for someone more forgiving, and likely less attractive. all relationships require balance to be successful, so yoke yourself equally with your potential partner. dont frustrate yourself. good luck and hope this helps.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 38 (view)

your FUNNEST date Posted: 1/15/2008 5:14:21 PM
bikerbabii, regarding this comment, "I'm amazed that people vote redundant on a dating experience theread. That's what this section is about! Geezzzzzzz...next one that votes for deletion, come forward. " i just did a search for best date, and the most recent one was last posted to in 2006. this puzzles me all the more because i began a thread about a week ago that was instantly deleted, and i put a lot of effort into it. some of us have not been on the market that long, and we have our own stories to tell. with that in mind, i will retell my best date story. when i was in art school about seven years ago i was in a short and tumultuous but very passionate relationship with one of my classmates. she was one of the most neurotic women i have ever been with, and every day with her was not without some ridiculous drama or fighting of some sort. however, her social power was truly awe-inspiring, and seemed to have this gravitational force that drew people to her. it seemed everyone we met sought her approval and we were regularly invited to parties, dinners, and people's homes right out of the blue. we met charles pachter, a famous canadian artist, through an assistant we just passed on the street. one such night, she put this power to good use. for reasons ive long forgotten we decided to have a celebration out on the scarborough bluffs one night. we hastily gathered together a bottle of her mother's homemade wine (this was a multi-berry mix of her own invention, to this day the best ive ever tasted), a blanket, a steak or porkchop or something-or-other, a couple glasses, and my hibachi grill and went out to bluffer's park with all of it. it must have been at least midnight; probably later, knowing her. the whole idea was crazy. so we get there and drag this whole mess out onto the beach to a fire ring and set up. it's pitch black, aside from the orange glow of the lamps in the parking lot, and a few distant fires; god knows who was out there. we havent stopped talking for five minutes during all of this. i fired up the grill and plopped whatever it was we had onto it, and we quickly realised we had neither brought plates, nor utensils, nor a corkscrew for that matter, with us. we were not surprised. we just pushed the cork into the bottle, drank ourselves stupid, and ate with our hands and just laughed our heads off. strange people floated by. the stars were out. we gazed at them together. and that was the last i remember. when morning came all our gear was in the trunk, our clothes were full of sand, and we were in the back seat in each other's arms, and everything was fine. and this was scarborough mind you, at five in the morning. neither of us could remember walking back to the car. if i didnt know her better, id have thought wed gotten there ourselves. i will never forget that woman, or that night. true story. regards

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 8 (view)

how helpful are the chemistry and need features? Posted: 1/15/2008 3:30:26 PM
plastic_sturgeon, i completely agree. i think it invites snap judgements and as such have not included it on my profile. i strongly believe romance cannot be reduced to a simple formula based on arbitrary personality traits. any test with results simple enough to be scanned in the time people are typically willing enough to spend looking at one, cannot in my view offer any useful insight. i think the test as it is, is far too wordy to interpret correctly, even if its results were accurate, which i doubt. i think the more frivolous features a dating site has, the more dating opportunities will be missed. the best screening tool i have found, is good old-fashioned one-on-one communication. all the best

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 18 (view)

clashing tastes in music Posted: 1/15/2008 3:11:36 PM
original poster, as/re, "i'm so open minded and tolerant, i just can't take opera. tracey adkins is my ni^^a." clearly you are a woman of standing. what isnt clear to me is why you are corresponding with a male when your profile seems to suggest you arent interested in men, among other things. that aside, he has sent you clear signals that he doesnt have much depth to his personality, because he was commenting on much more than music as you have quoted him. when i am evaluating a new acquaintance, i look to several things; and music is usually a poor indicator, but it can be useful at times. if someone's tastes are very specific and narrow, it can indicate close-mindedness or extreme intelligence; but it is important not to stop there. myself, i abhor new country&western, consider dick clark the anti-christ, and wont listen to anything that has charted on america's top 40 in the last thirty years. i also look down on any vocalist whose work has been pitch-corrected with auto-tune; because if you arent skilled enough to sing on pitch, i believe you shouldnt be singing professionally. i dont consider it an accident that this technology is most widely used in pop and new country. that said, i believe i have as diverse a musical palate as anyone i know. if shunning mediocrity in music makes me closed-minded, i will accept that label. whomever places it on me however, should be looking at more than my tastes in music. there are plenty of mediocre people in this world with hearts of pure gold, and i suffer their company gladly. regards.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 60 (view)

Multiple dates.....do you tell the other dates? Posted: 1/13/2008 3:38:44 PM
papabear1968, as/re this comment, "Ok,so we have a hot young chick with 147 guys on her favs list.... If she really wanted a steady guy,she'd have one. Dating,just like this site only strokes her ego,she likes attention........ And just like the rest of you,I just gave her some! " perhaps you are right. but weighing-in on the subject nonetheless gives insight into your own self that others can read. with that in mind, i will try to respond to it without getting caught up in the drama, though i am tempted. let me just disarm that comment by thanking the original poster for sticking around and letting us all know she is listening. i will try not to offend you. jesscarmen, from what you have said about your dates from hell, you have decided to meet these guys simply by judging their looks. let me offer that to you as proof that looks have absolutely nothing to do with character. you are going to have to probe a bit deeper into their personalities first, if you want your dating life to improve. and let me tell you why i think cosmo is absolutely the last place you should be looking for guidance. cosmo is a magazine, not a medical journal. cosmo exists to sell magazines and advertising; and it does this by giving readers the drama they find interesting, not the sound medical/psychological advice they need to make good decisions in their lives. the cold, sound answers to life's questions just arent as much fun to read, and they dont sell magazines. if you keep that in mind and use cosmo for a laugh, thats fine; but if you are taking their articles seriously, your problems are only going to get worse. no one ever found their prince by running game and manipulating them. it's an instant dealbreaker for me. i am always honest and fair, and i expect the same from a partner. my advice instead is to seek counseling. now wait; im not saying youre crazy. rather i think anyone can benefit from a trained professional to keep your life on track. they know what theyre talking about and theyre not getting paid by a corporation to sell you junkfood for your brain; they are getting paid by YOU and only you, to improve your life and listen to your problems. for someone healthy who wants to put a fine edge to their social and dating success, counselling is no different than tanning, haircare or massage therapy. regarding their advice in this case, i think you know going in that theres nothing solid to work on, and there will likely be a lot of drama whatever you do. if drama is what you seek, you will find it, but i dont see any longterm potential here. have fun, be careful (your stories have me a bit fearful for your personal safety) but dont play games, even if he does. against the advice of other posters here, i strongly believe it will do nothing but make more of a mess of things. if you want something real with this guy, then BE real. from what youve told us he said, REAL is what he's holding out for. so dont screen his calls and if youre alone on friday night, be honest about it. leave the games in the schoolyard. good luck and all the best.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 29 (view)

How long does it take for you to get over your ex? Posted: 1/10/2008 10:26:07 PM
rachel, thanks for the insight. that cannot have been easy to post. i just wanted to respond to a couple points, i would not recommend dating to help one rebound. as much as it may have helped you, and possibly this is just you taking the positives where you can, and bless you for it; it is important to remember that men have feelings too, even if many of them are unsavoury most of the time. the manhattan fellow in particular has my sympathies. also, the purging of reminders resonates powerful within me. i had to leave the social networking site on which i had met my ex, and consequently the large network of friends i had amassed before meeting her i also left behind, which was no easy decision. i also had to gather up every tangible reminder of her and remove it from view to get through my day, early on. but rather than destroy or dispose of them, i chose instead to save them, not the least among which was a quilt she made for me for last christmas. now that the hurt has subsided, i can enjoy them once again as they were intended. they are no longer a threat to my inner peace. i do not know her whereabouts at this time but i will always have the quilt as a reminder of what i am capable of as a human being and what i can inspire in another. it makes me stronger. perhaps someday i will return to that website, when i am ready. thanks again and good luck to you.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 43 (view)

Calling all foreign film enthusiasts Posted: 1/10/2008 9:07:30 PM
all thread participants, what a treat. thanks to leafslady for posting it and random entry for the gravedigging. i do have some strong opinions on the matter. in no particular order, leafslady, as/re ingmar bergman, i found that his films lost their vibrance and originality as they went to colour. at this point his films just brought up the same recurrent themes over and over again for the rest of his career. i believe he died this past year, rest in peace. and as/re aus/NZ films, a charming action/comedy starring noah taylor comes to mind, entitled "he died with a falafel in his hand", a very endearing tale. you may want to revisit the first "MAD MAX" film in its original version. it is little known that this film is dubbed for the US market and loses much of its charm as a result. i believe the DVD is the original AUS version, and the only true way to experience this cult classic. enjoy. random entry, as/re hollywood mainstream drivel, this is what has always attracted me to foreign and independent film throughout life. as opposed to the hollywood moneymaking machine, films that are produced independently or with government funding or simply in developing nations, focus their priority on expression of an idea rather than making the most money possible. however it is possible to achieve both aims; and martin scorcese and the movi "taxi driver" is a good example of commercial success without compromise, though the decision was made to desaturate the colours in the final bloody confrontation sequence to avoid losing the "R" rating; perhaps this would not have happened were it an independent film. mu2freighter (sd40s or sd70s?) i must disagree regarding roberto benigni; i find his work for the most part as irritating as any cinema i have ever had to watch. i would describe what i have seen of him to be "non-acting" as he relies almost completely on dialogue. i could not force myself to watch his antics in "life is beautiful" for more than ten minutes, literally. on and on and interminably on with the nonstop motormouth dialogue. perhaps this is cultural; however, i do enjoy italian cinema as a rule, and would recommend michelangelo antonioni's "the passenger" (1975) with jack nicholson, a lesser known but absolutely brilliant intrigue piece. hunter b, as/re "lola rennt" (run lola run) perhaps it would interest you to know that franka potente is an accomplished pop artist as well as actress, and was very involved with the film's soundtrack. she was also supporting actress in "the bourne identity" alongside matt damon. montreal guy, regarding endings, i challenge you to watch the film "dancer in the dark" with bjork gudmondsdottir (yes, bjork the singer, and icelandic coincidentally) if you want to see an ending that will truly wrench your soul inside out. oddly this film is set as a musical, and each scene was shot with no less than 100 cameras, and post-production took longer and cost more than the shooting of the film itself. this was presumably done to deal with bjorks personality, i seriously doubt she had the patience to do more than one take of any sequence. what an incredible artist she is, thankfully. oh_bugger, regarding french cinema, "la haine" (hate) is one of my favourites, and i favour french cinema as a rule. odd that an_earthling complains of subtitles, i myself insist on it; having french as a second language. my take is that if you understand the base language, the subtitle can present to you a secondary perception of the dialogue, and you can occasionally relish in the subtle differences and double entendres that would be lost in dubbing. take for example my most very favourite film of all, "rouge baiser" (red kiss) with charlotte valandrey. the film is about a young fifteen year old malcontent (our heroine) who falls for a magazine photographer and ultimately has to choose between her young values and the man she loves (she is a communist and regularly attends rallies, in 1952 france, and the magazine he works for is very anti-communist). rouge baiser literally translated means "red kiss" but also means lipstick in french. so the title has this little double entendre which nods both at the young girl's budding sexuality and the communist beliefs she has to forsake in order to cultivate her romance with the photographer, which ends so perfectly and so poignantly. another reason i adore this film, is further to the real life of the starring actress, charlotte valandrey. she was just shy of 18 when this film was shot in 1985, and soon after was entangled with a drug-addicted jazz musician. she contracted HIV from him and was diagnosed in 1987. she still lives, and although she has had heart replacement surgery and takes over 30 pills a day to survive, has had a daughter (HIV negative) and written a book about her experiences entitled "l'amour dans le sang" (love in the blood) which although unavailable in translated form is one of the most inspiring autobiographies i have ever read. (perhaps i am biased as my late uncle also contracted HIV from tainted blood in a transfusion also in 1987...) it guided me through a troubling period in my life and i would recommend it to anyone who is comfortable reading french. i own this, and a few other french titles in my meager library, among them "monsieur hire" and "sans toit ni loi" (vagabond) both starring sandrine bonnaire. rent these two films if you want to see a demonstration of sandrine bonnaire's incredible range during her prime. her depiction of a filthy vagrant in her last few weeks of life couldnt be more contrasted against her depiction of a vulnerable and curious young woman being willingly spied on by the voyeuristic m. hire. also, if you are in canada and have a membership with blockbuster, mongrel media has released several films under the label "the festival collection" and are grouped in a special section. many of the titles mentioned by previous posters are available under this label. my experience with these films has been generally positive, with few exceptions. phew. i hope this adds fuel to the wonderful discussion in this thread. regards.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 27 (view)

How long does it take for you to get over your ex? Posted: 1/10/2008 7:38:51 PM
original poster, there is no gauge to measure your recovery time. do not listen when other people lay out a time frame. the length of time you have been involved with someone has no bearing, however the depth of emotional investment can be very intense and in some cases the emotional trauma can outlast the actual length of the relationship. if you feel the loss of your loved one is preventing you from functioning, you must seek counselling with a trusted professional. but to me, being depressed a mere week post-breakup after 6 months is without question. this past year i have dealt with both a breakup and the death of a close friend. i had known the friend for many years and was very close with her, i had hours of contact with her daily until a few days before her death. as it turns out, the loss of my former girlfriend was more traumatic even though we had only been together for a few months. i was able to bury my friend, but my lover was still out there; living a life with other people and carrying my secrets and deepest thoughts with her, and i could no longer share that experience. it took many more months before i could progress from crying because it was over, to smiling because it happened. now i have let go of the negative feelings and carry the fond memories of both women with me like a warm heavy blanket. it is only by working through your grief, rather than around it, that you can come to this point and heed the call to life once more. and no one can set the pace but yourself. take one step at a time, as bravely as you can; and arrive safely at your destination, in your own time. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 36 (view)

Financial help from your SO- would you accept Posted: 1/10/2008 7:10:38 PM
original poster, my read on this situation is that you were afraid of the prospect of spending some real alone time with your new man for the first time, and were seeking some other explanation so that you would not have to admit it. i am sorry to see you are not getting the justification for your excuse about money here, for the most part. you certainly wont from me. my opinion, is that you should have been honest with him but instead have now upset him over a frivolous excuse about $20, when simply presenting the truth about your discomfort would have given him an opportunity to react to your needs in a positive way. you have denied him that. games like this are why some relationships fail. just tell him you need some time to get over the new relationship jitters, and all will not be lost. and the next time he offers you $20 for gas, ask yourself if you are ready for any eventuality and if so, accept. if not, be honest about your reasons. i hope my advice helps you, if my read was an accurate one. my advice can only be as good as the honesty of the one seeking the advice. good luck, and all the best.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 112 (view)

Guy wanted to shower with me Posted: 1/10/2008 6:19:32 PM
original poster, i can relate to your situation having been there myself in the past, and somewhat younger than you are now. in a new relationship, especially when you are young, the most mundane of everyday moments can seem blissful when shared. a shower can be seen as an opportunity to share an everyday moment with someone you are intimate with, and may not necessarily lead to sex, but can build trust and fondness with your partner. as a single guy frankly i miss it. it's a wonderful feeling to trust someone that much, and the warmth, the close quarters, and the soothing noise seems an ideal setting for losing yourself in the company of someone else. that said, everyone has their own level of shyness, and their comfort zone. perhaps you are not ready to share showering yet. perhaps you never will be. and boundaries are okay, as long as they are mutually respected. in my opinion, he did nothing wrong. thank him for the offer, but make it clear that you are not ready. when you are, you will both enjoy it. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 12 (view)

He's a slob and I'm practically OCD...will it work? Posted: 1/9/2008 4:12:35 PM
original poster, my advice is to hire a professional maid and have him and his son pay for it. write it into the prenup if necessary. perhaps placing a dollar figure on the expectations you have of him will help him realise its value and motivate him to clean up after himself. i agree with your views; every relationship must have balance and if one partner is in deficit, their days as a couple are numbered. good luck and all the best.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 6 (view)

Truthfull Profile Review!!!! Posted: 1/8/2008 2:09:25 PM
windsor chick, your spelling is poor and you have no spaces after periods and commas, but you are 18 and i really dont think boys your age are going to care. i dont think giving out your first name is going to make you much easier to track down, but perhaps take out the second half of it. no one will care whether you have a job or not at 18. the only thing i would suggest is to filter out your respondents (ie must be between this age and that age, must not smoke, and so on. you can find this in the mail settings link at the top of your page, email a moderator if you cant find it. and please, be patient. you wont find a boyfriend overnight. good luck.

quo_vadis

Joined: 12/30/2007

Msg: 7 (view)

DO NOT click this thread. Really, don't do it! Posted: 1/8/2008 1:56:34 PM
jerry, the only thing i would remove would be the bit about "hokey". romance is #1 on a dating site, be confident of your abilities here. let them judge the hokiness of it later. other than that its an all clear; youve laid it out very clearly what i believe a woman wants to hear, and perhaps to add to the confident image you can remove some of it and fill it with more random thoughts, which i believe are the real winner in your profile. the pictures are perfect; leave them as-is. if you can find a formal one with you in a suit, wont hurt to add that. i believe that no matter how good your profile is, there will always be women breezing through without a hello, and several well-thought-out emails will go unanswered. i think as opposed to the women's complaint about being flooded with emails from undesireable men, we are afflicted with the opposite. for most of us, being patient and not fretting over "why" will usually result in finding the needle in the haystack sooner or later. youve got a big lead over most, in my estimation. good luck and all the best.

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