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W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 37 (view)

How far before you cross the line? Posted: 11/1/2009 10:36:54 AM
When privacy becomes secrecy.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 5 (view)

wrong one again Posted: 10/18/2009 9:44:42 AM
Read Mars and Venus on a Date, by Gray. Instead of viewing each relationship that closes as a failure.. see it as a stepping stone to the right relationship. Not every lady you are attracted to has to be THE ONE. Dating does not have to be some random event, but more purposeful.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Finding a happy relationship... Posted: 10/18/2009 9:40:37 AM
I don't know that one FINDS a happy relationship, but builds one instead. Some thoughts.. We tend to be attracted to, and attracted by, people who match our degree of maturity, or lack thereof. While it is important to find the right person, it is more important to be the right person to begin with. If you want someone who is a good communicator, first learn to be a good communicator. If you want someone who is caring, acts as a caring person ought to. (Agreement with the OP).

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

How do you know when you love yourself? Posted: 10/9/2009 6:34:09 PM
The best definition of love is when the well being of another person becomes at least as, or more important to you, than your own. It is not so much about liking someone, but more as valuing them, treating them with dignity and respect. If that is true, then to love oneself means to treat yourself with dignity and respect. To act in the interest of your own wellbeing. That means to be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself. Protect yourself. To give yourself a kick in the butt when you need to. Does that help?

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Shoulder Posted: 9/28/2009 8:14:27 PM
This is an injury of the ligaments that stabilize the acromio-clavicular joint. Essentially you have over worked them, and they have become inflamed. If you keep up with your current activity, it can lead to osteolysis - that is resorption of the distal end of the clavicle and may require resection or cutting away of the bone. Or.. you can use lots of ice, rest, laser therapy, and rest. When you do get back to lifting, pay particular attention on proper technique, reduce the weight load, progress more slowly. http://preventdisease.com/news/articles/weightlifters_risk_collarbone_damage.shtml

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

i dont understand Posted: 8/17/2009 9:18:36 AM
It would be nice if this, and other such sites, were filled with sincere people who said what they mean, and meant what they said. It's not. Unfortunately, there are many people who are intentionally being nasty, playing some sort of game, and just down right neurotic. Not much different than meeting someone in any other venue, such as a party. Upsetting? Sure! Yet it is what it is... you can't change them or the world, just how you choose to cope with it. (I do trust you are not making your standards so tough that no person, including yourself, could measure up ... do you go way beyond discerning to prove the guy has faults? ) ((It's hard to tell from your brief communications whether they are all the problem, or maybe if the problem is with the person you see in the mirror)). I suppose it takes some effort to sort through a person's communication to discern if they are sincere. If you are bitter if they prove themselves false, they win. (It's like being upset all day because you have stepped in dog crap... clean off your shoe and get on with your day!) Perhaps be glad you got rid of a creep before you invested too much and are closer to finding the genuine person you are looking for. (And do graciously allow the other person to be sincere, even though you might not be the right person for him.) Cheers.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

a future? Posted: 8/17/2009 8:42:29 AM
If she is a mature person, she may mean that she admires and enjoys many things about you, and could see a future with you, but she is not ready to make that commitment. If you are meant to be together, you will each find your way back. But don't sit around waiting for it to happen, because you might miss out on something better. Soothe your broken heart as best you can, and as life goes on, try to go along with it.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

i'm not sure what to do with this Posted: 8/17/2009 8:36:22 AM
If you are looking for a soul mate kind of relationship, the sort that you can build a future on... this is not the right guy for you. Not now anyway. And the longer you hang with him, the longer it will take you to find the righter guy. Obviously there is some sort of connection, and it will help pass the time until you are both ready (you are 20 now!) to get serious. If you are looking for someone for a casual relationship, just to pass some time with and maybe have some fun, and no commitments, go ahead. Just be honest with yourself and know what you are getting into.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Second time around Posted: 8/17/2009 8:04:02 AM
Throughout life, we come into contact with others who we know we would have a pretty good chance of a relationship with. The problem is mostly one of timing... one or the other is not available or otherwise not open to exploring a new relationship. When younger it is often the differences that attract us or we overlook them...we are more naive and think love will conquer all. Many younger women tend to have an agenda for their lives as to when they will get married and how many children and will often try to change a guy to fit her plans. When she says "I do," she really means, "Close enough." Sometimes this can mature to genuine love, or she gets tired of playing house and wants fulfill her fantasy. In my experience, it is harder to find someone as we get older. For some, it is hanging onto bitterness and trying to change the past that prevents a person from discovering a new relationship. For some it is a fear of repeating mistakes. As we mature (gain wisdom), we become more discerning in our potential partners and it is the similarities that are the attraction. Often we learn that we have given up much of ourselves in the name of love and as we recover from the loss, we rediscover who we are, and are not as willing to compromise the second or so time around. Better to live alone and sometimes lonely, than with the wrong person and still lonely. Do remember, we are generally attracted to, and attracted by, others who match our degree of maturity, or lack thereof. Who one is attracted to and decides to make a relationship with says as much about one's self as it does the other person. Best regards.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

girl looking for respectful Christian guy..... Posted: 6/2/2009 7:59:03 PM
Very nice of you to state your list of must haves ... what do you have to offer the right man?

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Hurting Posted: 5/18/2009 7:48:27 PM
Schools do not have to teach it, but most parents don't know the how and why of emotional intelligence/maturity themselves. The most effective vehicle of social advance then becomes the education system. By teaching today's children emotional skills, we then make it far easier to impart that knowledge to tomorrow's children.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Hurting Posted: 5/18/2009 3:16:23 PM
There have in fact been several efforts to teach emotional and life skills to elementary age students. The programs focus on communication skills, anger management, dealing with broken hearts, and other real life challenges. Long term follow up supports that such students tend toward better school marks .. perhaps more than many other educational interventions ... as well as more stable family and marital relationships, and tend to have higher incomes than children who have not had such education. Why are such programs not uniform and mandated in the educations system? Your speculation is as good as mine. Perhaps because of budgets. Perhaps because the people in charge of the education system are just as broken as the people within it. Putting political pressure on the administrators of the school systems would help. On a personal level, however, the best way to promote that your children are emotionally healthier is to be emotionally healthier yourself.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

My Friend Is Cheating On Her Husband Posted: 5/3/2009 5:32:28 PM
Look up the website.. see if it seems familiar.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

My Friend Is Cheating On Her Husband Posted: 5/2/2009 8:10:47 PM
Here is a link to a website and book that may help give some perspective. If it fits, it might help you understand what is going on. It may be helpful to relay the book to the husband. http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

Advice? Posted: 4/3/2009 6:27:17 AM
Everything has its good and bad side. That your heart is broken shows that you are capable of love. That you are having trouble just dropping your feelings are the same qualities that will help you stay committed when the right relationship does come along. That you had relationship with such an otherwise great guy will teach you the qualities you seek in a future partner. What you are lacking now is perspective. That will come with time, and growth, and no doubt new relationships and a few more broken hearts.. yours and no doubt a few you will cause. Time... keep busy... keep growing... Keep moving forward.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 15 (view)

Question? Posted: 2/25/2009 5:21:57 PM
Consider your list of charms and challenges. Would you want to be involved with someone like you? If not, why should anyone else? While it is important to find the right person, it is also important to be the right person yourself. Don't change to suit anyone else. If change is necessary, do it because it is who YOU wish to become. Your time with this lady has served its purpose and has passed, likely for good. If you are meant to be with her, you will find your way together again, both of you wiser, more mature and more ready for who you will have both become. But don't sit around waiting for it to happen because you may lose out on something even better.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 40 (view)

It’s sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along Posted: 2/14/2009 9:43:31 AM
Throughout life we will at times come into contact with people we know, given the right circumstances, we could have a reasonable chance to make a go of it. The problem is mostly one of timing, one or the other or both are not ready or available for another relationship. There are many poems and songs and wistful sighs made from this epic human dilemma. This is not necessarily a sign of being in the wrong relationship. No one person can meet all of one's needs and the longer a relationship continues, the more this becomes apparent. Even the best of relationships goes through its undulations.. the times when it is magic, and the times when it is a chore. Mature love is not going from one impulse to another, but deciding to continue to invest in the something good one has, rather than the great one imagines.... and imagines is the operative term. Wisdom is in knowing what is the best decision. Maturity is in making ones choices work. As we are quoting songs...I'll take licence by referring the movie, Keeping the Faith. A young priest has his head and heart turned by a former childhood friend now a gorgeous, sophisticated woman. He comes dangerously close to renouncing his vows and toward the end of story, discusses it with his much older mentor. The old priest describes how a choice does not mean much unless it costs the person something to make it. And the old priest has had to make that choice at least once every ten years. To love the person you are with, does not really mean much unless it costs you something to make it... enjoy your wistful memories. And just to help you understand that the lady you are with is not without her choices.. consider ... http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/campbell-glen/dreams-of-an-everyday-housewife-645.html

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 17 (view)

Opposites attract? Posted: 1/25/2009 4:27:17 PM
In general, people are attracted to and attracted by those who match their degree of emotional maturity, or lack thereof. Often, when opposites attract, it is the neurotic needs that are connecting. This is not necessarily a bad thing if the couple value and take care of each other. Often it becomes a co-dependent relationship and dominating relationship where one feeds emotionally off the other. More mature couples tend to share more common values and complement each other. Some degree of differences brings dynamic interest and creative influence to a good relationship ... just know what you are getting into.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 9 (view)

What is the difference between counciling and therapy??? Posted: 12/31/2008 12:19:42 PM
In theory: "Counseling is considered an exchange of opinions and ideas to effectively problem solve an individual’s daily living issues associated with his or her emotional, cognitive, or behavioral problems. Psychotherapy is a form of treatment for emotional problems in which a therapist establishes a relationship with an individual for the purpose of modifying self-defeating patterns of behavior and promoting positive personality growth and development. Psychotherapy is generally undertaken to gain self-knowledge. Most people come to therapy because defenses which have served them in the past are no longer working or useful." http://www.clinicalsolutions.org/Counseling_vs_Psychotherapy.html In practice: There is much cross over and common ground between the two. If either helps you along your way to a brighter future, then who is to argue?

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

The worst she can say is no right?? Posted: 12/29/2008 12:50:58 PM
In the words of the Great One, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." W. Gretsky.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

Splitsville: Lots of pain, but is there any gain? Posted: 12/12/2008 3:01:36 PM
Thanks for your thoughts, Ms. Poppins. The only way to not have problems with a relationship is to not be in one. That being said, the alternative can be lonely. Being more careful with the person you choose, learning some skills such as communication and problem solving, and nurturing a great deal of emotional maturity can only help.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Splitsville: Lots of pain, but is there any gain? Posted: 12/12/2008 6:53:25 AM
This is lifted from the Globe and Mail.. may give some perspective. Comment if you wish. Generation Ex Splitsville: Lots of pain, but is there any gain? SARAH HAMPSON From Thursday’s Globe and Mail December 11, 2008 at 9:26 AM EST “I remember those feelings exactly,” an acquaintance told me a few months ago when we ran into each other at the gym. Separated for 15 years, she was talking about some columns I had written about divorce. “I had forgotten,” she said. “It fades with the years.” That observation is a welcome one for anyone who is divorced - or about to be. Several times, I have heard from readers who wonder when it all gets better again. The question at the heart of the recovery discussion is this: Does divorce make you happy? It is a difficult and troubling question, because it potentially undermines what we want to believe about divorce - that it is a catharsis, however painful, which leads to personal happiness. “I thought it was going to be better after I left him,” says a mother of three children who has been divorced for almost six years. “But it isn’t,” she says. “The problems are different, but there are still problems. Lots of them.” “It’s always a pebble in your shoe,” a man in his 50s says about his two marriages that ended in divorce. The issues that make complete - and easy - recovery difficult for many divorced people are not easily dismissed. There is a loss of identity. Not often, but sometimes, I still find myself in a crowded room of couples and from some deep part of my psyche floats up the thought: I am not a wife. It produces a kind of spacey bafflement. “Where the heck does that come from?” I wonder, because I am content with my life. It has something to do with the loss of a role, I think. At a certain point in our lives, we define ourselves by who we are not so much to ourselves, but to others: You are someone’s brother or someone’s daughter or someone’s mother or someone’s husband. When one of those roles disappears, well, you can feel diminished, as if a part of yourself has been amputated. The financial setback of divorce can diminish one’s life, as can the reduced access many divorced parents have to their children. There can be a loss of “social capital” as psychotherapists call it, as a former spouse loses contact with the ex’s family and some friends who side with the other. Society is not often as accommodating to the divorced, which can create isolation - another form of marginalization. And when people do venture out into the dating market, they often realize that no one is perfect: not the ex and not Ms. Purrfect who approaches you on a dating site. “I have talked to patients who complain about the dating scene. They are disillusioned, and say, ‘I thought I would find the perfect person. But people all have problems,’ or ‘There is no one out there,’ “ says Mark Goulston, a relationship expert at Divorce360.com, an online newsletter. In 2002, a research paper, “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages,” released by the University of Chicago, showed that the answer was a resounding no. Researchers were testing what they called “the divorce assumption,” the belief that a person in an unhappy marriage has two choices: remain married and miserable or get divorced and become happy. The team used data collected from more than 5,000 married adults, 645 of whom reported being unhappily married. Five years later, the same people were interviewed again. Some had divorced or separated and some had remained married. The study discovered that divorce is not all it’s cracked up to be. It didn’t reduce depression, raise self-esteem or boost a sense of mastery, they reported. On average, unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed in their marriages. “Some divorce is necessary, but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold,” the lead researcher, Linda Waite, explained at the time. Naturally, the results were quickly taken up by couples therapists across the land. Spouses need strategies for improving their unions because they are better off staying in them, many said. But no one focused on what the study also clearly suggested: the lack of support during the recovery process after divorce. For many, complete and lasting recovery means a new partner. “Some [divorced] people are left without a romantic partner. It’s a need that is not fulfilled, and some of these people remain unhappy,” says Ulrich Schimmack, a psychology professor at the University of Toronto who studies happiness and draws upon longitudinal research from around the world. That may be true - love is what we all want - but it’s also worth noting that staking one’s happiness on the presence of someone else is a recipe for disaster. What if a new relationship doesn’t last? Better to find a foundation of oneness. And part of that shoring up of self is to gain the distance to see that the marriage you did have was not all bad. “As [divorced] people move away from blame and resentment, they begin to develop a more compassionate view of themselves and, quite often, of the other person,” says Stephen Madigan, a therapist in Vancouver. “We become humanized again once we look at the real story and the facts of what happened, not just those heightened horrible times.” Forgiveness for your ex, but more importantly for yourself, can yield the resilience that experts see in some people who find happiness after trauma - whether it be a job loss, the death of a spouse or divorce. “You have to forgive yourself for any mistakes you made,” says Arlene Matthews, a psychotherapist and author whose latest book is The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Psychology of Happiness. “Every time you dwell on how angry your ex made you, you think the same thoughts. You get into a mental rut, and when you’re doing that you’re not moving forward.” Ms. Matthews says that a new social network is also important after divorce. “It’s about finding people to laugh with and pursue your hobbies with.” But I also think acceptance of self - with or without a partner - is part of the secret to contentedness after divorce. In an essay, “Memoirs of an Ex-Bride,” New York writer Daphne Merkin described the difficulties of divorced life. It is not easy, she said. But in conclusion, she offered a brave and wise self-assessment. “I haven’t ruled out the hope that the marital experiment might yield a better result the second time around. But eight years after my divorce, I have also begun to entertain the possibility ... that I may be one of those people who is more equipped to handle the risks of loneliness than those of intimacy.” That, right there, is the voice of resilience and determination to make the best of what you have. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081211.wlgenex11/BNStory/lifeFamily/home

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Marriage GAH!!! Posted: 11/3/2008 2:10:47 PM
He wanted to get married. It was important enough to him to find someone who did. You didn't. You weren't right for each other...at least not at this stage of your life. Option 1. Decide if you do wish to get married and to him, call him up and see if there is a chance. Option 2. Wish him well on his way, and enjoy ... in time.. a new chapter in your life. Spain sounds like a lovely diversion. Send us a postcard.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

the new girlfriend Posted: 11/3/2008 2:03:32 PM
Harry Belafonte Get An Ugly Girl To Marry You Lyrics If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, Get an ugly girl to marry you. A pretty woman makes her husband look small, And very often causes his downfall. As soon as he marries her, then she starts, To do the things that will break his heart. But if you make an ugly woman your wife, You'll be happy for the rest of your life. An ugly woman cooks meals all the time, She'll always give you peace of mind. Don't let your friends say you have no taste, Go ahead and marry anyway. Her face is ugly, her eyes don't match. Take it from me, she's a better catch. Say, man? Hey baby! I saw your wife the other day. Yeah? Yeah, and she's sure is ugly. Ha! Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby! Yeah, alright. Unfortunately, she has acne. That's a shame, baby. Yeah, baby. If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, Get an ugly girl to marry you.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

why? Posted: 11/3/2008 1:58:38 PM
Well... I ain't no lady... Let's see... she was with someone for 7 years and broke up this past March. You were going with her in June. People tend to be fairly erratic with their needs and emotions after breaking up from a significant relationship. You may be a decent guy, maybe she's a decent woman. But at this stage of her life she needs time ...maybe a couple of years ... before she will be ready to seriously consider a relationship. Transition relationships have their value, but ya gotta recognize them for what they are.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 6 (view)

Why is she so mad ??? Posted: 11/3/2008 1:48:24 PM
Krysteene makes a good point...you really haven't given your collective advisors much to go on... maybe you've been a dirt bag of a husband and its about time she left. But let's play the game a bit more. Let's assume you have been a decent husband, faithful and attentive partner to your wife, a good father, etc. Your wife may be feeling guilty for her seeking out a fling and leaving you ... maybe not for him, but he is the excuse. Rather than accept the blame for her actions, she transfers her guilt to you. The more she can make you in the wrong, the more she can justify herself. Get a copy of Women's Infidelity. It may help you sort out what you can do to save your sanity. www.womensinfidelity.com An excerpt.. Women's relationships today follow a very predictable pattern: They push men for commitment They get what they want They lose interest in sex They become attracted to someone else They start cheating They become angry and resentful They begin telling their partners that they need time apart They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages. Best wishes.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

wanting to write to ex/girlfriend - your thoughts appreciated Posted: 10/29/2008 1:40:19 PM
nitehawk532 on 9/24/2008 207 AM Great way to find closure to all those nostalgic, "What if?s"

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Love vs. Obsession Posted: 9/27/2008 3:04:18 AM
Compare "I love you because I need you." with, "I need you because I love you."

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 4 (view)

Haunted by the Past Posted: 9/27/2008 3:01:11 AM
While I can understand the pain of a love lost, losing love is part of a full and wonderful life. Yes, life is like a horse... parts of it stink. And ya can't help from stepping in st from time to time. But it is still a beautiful beast. Ride on! In contrast to the theme of suicide, what do you think of this piece? The Quitter When you're lost in the Wild, and you're scared as a child, And Death looks you bang in the eye, And you're sore as a boil, it's according to Hoyle To**your revolver and . . . die. But the Code of a Man says: "Fight all you can," And self-dissolution is barred. In hunger and woe, oh, it's easy to blow . . . It's the hell-served-for-breakfast that's hard. "You're sick of the game!" Well, now, that's a shame. You're young and you're brave and you're bright. "You've had a raw deal!" I know -- but don't squeal, Buck up, do your damnedest, and fight. It's the plugging away that will win you the day, So don't be a piker, old pard! Just draw on your grit; it's so easy to quit: It's the keeping-your-chin-up that's hard. It's easy to cry that you're beaten -- and die; It's easy to crawfish and crawl; But to fight and to fight when hope's out of sight -- Why, that's the best game of them all! And though you come out of each gruelling bout, All broken and beaten and scarred, Just have one more try -- it's dead easy to die, It's the keeping-on-living that's hard. Robert W. Service

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 14 (view)

Dealing with religion/science while dating. Posted: 9/25/2008 8:04:50 PM
Science is inherently limited to what can be measured and so cannot speak toward the existence of God. Neither are the two exclusive. Religion may tell us about the why of God's plan, science is the how of it. The difference is comparable to appreciating the beauty of a tapestry as well as how it is stitched together. At is core is the belief that somehow the universe came into being and is proceeding along its course by a purely random event, or that there is some reason for its being and a purpose to how it is unfolding. Either belief takes a leap of faith. In general, the atheist is just as religious as the zealot as there can be no proof that God does not exist. It is a leap of faith. The only rational approach is that of the agnostic.. to doubt the existence of God. Certainly believers and non-believers can get along while dating and many somewhat successful life relationships are between such people. Yet there is an intimacy that ensues when the pair share a spiritual agreement and connection. In my last relationship, we did share that common understanding between us and it was wonderful to not to have to defend or explain ourselves to each other. For us, it was the air we breathed. I miss that and knowing the closeness it brought us, it is something I hope to find in any future relationship. A comparable situation may be a Liberal/Democrat dating a Conservative/Republican. Sure they can agree to disagree and grant each other respect for the other's mistaken views.. but it would be a much easier and closer relationship if they shared a common world view.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 3 (view)

Matches Posted: 9/24/2008 11:34:15 AM
For thought... Ask your friend, if she came across a man just like her, would she find him attractive, or just someone else to complain about? Would she want to date someone just like her? Why or why not? If she would not find herself datable, why should anyone else?

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

wanting to write to ex/girlfriend - your thoughts appreciated Posted: 9/23/2008 3:26:06 PM
If your real goal is to lure her back by telling her how you've grown as a person, then you are being manipulative. Bad idea. If you have in fact grown to understand your part in the conflict and taken steps to overcome the problem, then it would be noble to make amends .. as long as it does not cause her further harm. Write the letter. Apologize for your part in it. Acknowledge the hurt it has caused you both Thank her for her part in helping you grow. And wish her happiness, whatever path her future may take. My thought is that your letter, if sincere, will help you both find closure and you will see your relationship in a positive way, instead of ending in a train wreck.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 25 (view)

Advice wanted re:Breakup / Friends Posted: 9/20/2008 6:04:58 PM
That old adage about letting something go.. and if it comes back to you it's your's. If not, it never was. Give her some space for her benefit and yours. She may find this new relationship better for her. Be happy for her happiness. If her current relationship fails, it may give her perspective that you and she are worth working on. This is also a time for you to do some introspection about what you each contributed to the deterioration of your relationship. Perhaps there is something within your personality that could use some ironing out. Perhaps it may just be a lack of relationship skills, such as communication. Learn the lesson and find ways to overcome the issues or you will repeat it again and again. Give her some time, then drop her a friendly hello... Time will tell. Bon chance.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

Should have never remained friends...have now lost that too. Posted: 9/20/2008 5:49:55 AM
If you truly love someone, you want what is best for them, even if it is not you. I expect you will be happy for your friend and hope only the best for her...keep that virtuous thought in mind...even through your tears. One day you will be proud that you do believe it. It would be very awkward for the lady to move ahead in her new relationship and still maintain the same connection with you. If the situation were reversed, your new partner would likely find the friendship very uncomfortable. As wonderful as this close friendship has been, it has limited you from finding your better partner. If you wish to see the ray of light in your clouds, once you recover from this loss, you will open to find someone you can as nurture a close and even better relationship with. I'm sure you know all that in your head. It will take time ... and lots of it.. for your heart to catch up. In the words of Winston Churchill... If you're going through hell, keep going!

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

I seriously need to know if someone else has had this happen... Posted: 9/17/2008 3:39:00 PM
I had plans to meet a wonderful woman when a situation developed with my kids and I had to cancel with the lady at the last minute. I felt horrible about it but my kids were my priority. Although disappointed..and I expect privately she was miffed as I would have been.. she accepted my apology and understood my reasons. I was moved by her ability to be gracious. We did develop a very enjoyable relationship and I made sure to never take her generosity for granted. Life brings on many challenges. Perhaps, OP, you have found someone who will support you through yours.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 32 (view)

Single and Loving It Posted: 9/11/2008 8:52:13 AM
If everyone is so happy being single the why are you on a dating site? A person who is happy being single, or happy while they are single, may still be open to a significant/committed relationship ...or may enjoy dating for any number of short or long term reasons.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 38 (view)

Talking to someone who seems overly comfortable with you....BEFORE even meeting Posted: 9/11/2008 8:28:10 AM
Or is it more of an indicator that he really does like me? His way of talking with you may be from his carefree way of life and he really is a fun and decent guy... but it may also be from someone who doesn't understand that good manners is a way of showing respect. The question is, Does he respect you?

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 13 (view)

what is taking it slow? Posted: 9/11/2008 4:43:02 AM
If I can project my own thoughts... It may mean that he wants to know if its worth investing his resources (time, money, emotions) with someone he can develop a good, mutually respectful relationship with, beyond a sexual fling. It this something that may go beyond the initial infatuation stage and have a chance to become something greater? Something to consider. The three most important things in building and sustaining a relationship are communication, communication, and.... oh yes! Communication. OP, You have some good questions. I'm not sure if you are really asking your good ol' forum buddies what your man is looking for, or just opening a topic for discussion. But I do hope you'll talk it out with him. For the dating perplexed... you might consider "Mars and Venus on a Date" worth a read.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Single and Loving It Posted: 9/10/2008 8:20:39 AM
Most of us who have been through divorce and such have come to appreciate that it is better to be alone and lonely, than with the wrong person, and still lonely. As we mature, we better know and become more comfortable/confident with who we are and are less willing to compromise our sense of self. We come to realize that the best relationships are between people who don't need each other. Being single or solo again is not a disease. Whether single for a season or by intention, it can be a very liberating time of life if we choose to embrace it as such. Depending on whose stats you read, some 50% of adults now live as singles, and there are more, particularly women, who are doing so out of choice. Even for those who do find partners, serial monogamy seems to be the emerging trend, rather than life sentence marriages. Mind you, when a marriage works ... and work may be the operative term ... it is still a wonderful thing. Do a web search. There are many sites commenting/dedicated to living a successful single lifestyle. Best regards.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 36 (view)

Met, hit it off, she crushed me.... Posted: 9/8/2008 6:17:47 AM
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from poor judgment. As much as she may be yanking your chains, you have also allowed it. From experience, our own or learning from others, we find that people who are going through loss of a relationship are erratic. Even if they mean well, their lives, thoughts, and emotions are in such turmoil that even the most mature person will act way out of character. In such times, a person's yearnings for validation, acceptance, control, release of emotions such anger, can often confuse the most balanced person. Such unmet needs are often channeled into a drive for sexual gratification. Fast and furious flings, one night stands, and rebound relationships may serve their purpose, and probably help the person along the road to their recovery, but they are also messy and cause a lot of damage and regrets along the way. If one wishes to go with such passions, recognize them for what they are, and don't confuse them for what they are not. There is a good reason why, depending on the length and depth of a relationship, most experts advise not even contemplating a committed relationship for two years after a significant loss. If you don't want the damages that go along with such encounters, use your experience and develop better judgment. Consider it a lesson in life. Grow better, not bitter from it. Give yourself, and the people you get involved with, time to get beyond your own divorce and broken heart or you will repeat the same patterns again and again. Bon chance.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 28 (view)

Would you want to know? What do you think about this? Posted: 8/29/2008 11:27:58 AM
I suppose much would depend upon him keeping secrets or asking for privacy. ... And a word from Carly Simon We have no secrets We tell each other everything About the lovers in the past And why they didn't last We share a cast of characters from A to Z We know each others fantasies And though we know each other better when we explore Sometimes I wish Often I wish That I never knew some of those secrets of yours The water was cold The beach was empty but for one Now you were lying in the sun Wanting and needing no-one Then some child came, you never asked for her to come She drank a pint of your Rum And later when you told me You aid she was a bore Sometimes I wish Often I wish That I never knew some of those secrets of yours In the name of honesty, in the name of what is fair You always answer my questions But they don't always answer my prayers And though I know you say that it's me that you adore Sometimes I wish Often I wish That I never, never, never knew Some of those secrets of yours Some of those secrets of yours Some of those secrets of yours We have no secrets Telling each other most everything now

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 12 (view)

Horoscopes, Zodiacs... Posted: 8/23/2008 3:41:03 AM
Here are three horoscopes from http://my.horoscope.com/getHoroscope.asp?sign=9&day=23&month=8&year=2008. If you don't like one of these, find another that suits you. They are all pretty much the same. Some good advice regardless of where you were the day you were born. Try the personality search ... somewhat.. more revealing and useful. You will probably need to grasp the nettle firmly today, especially when it comes to speaking your mind. Something that has kept you quietly in two minds will need to be addressed. It’s not about getting your own way, so much as ensuring that there’s a definite sense of progress! A friend who has really good intentions could be a little too bluntly honest with you today. You may not like what you hear, and you will probably feel that your friend could have been more tactful in the way that they delivered their observations, but they may have a point! Don’t be too surprised if today seems to be marked by those silly mishaps that bubble up all from time to time. You might think that you’re having a run of bad luck, but in truth those mishaps, such as missing an important call, or misplacing your cell phone, are just that: little mishaps!

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

do I have baggage? Posted: 8/23/2008 3:29:35 AM
There comes a time in life that if a person doesn't have some degree of baggage, one has to wonder just where they have been hiding. Yet there is a difference between baggage that is zipped up and stored neatly in the corner, and baggage that is all over the place. In one case you may need to open the box and go through it from time to time.. then put it away. In the other case you can't find a place to step or sit down without having to deal with something. One test is to consider your past. Do you remember the good times fondly without the pain of loss? Do you consider the mistakes of the past, take responsibility for your part, and have grown from them? Do you have a strategy to avoid the same mistakes when those same issues emerge in the future? Another test.... would you want to date a partner who had similar thoughts, feelings, and issues as you do now? To what extent would they get in the way of you developing an intimate (not necessarily physical) relationship? It is important to find the right partner... but no less important to be the right partner first. Bon chance.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 22 (view)

The Definition of Love Posted: 8/14/2008 8:47:36 AM
I agree that the word "love" is used in many and confusing ways and few people can accurately define it. However, the best definition of love I have ever come across is: **Love is the condition that exists when the well being of another person becomes at least as, or more important than your own.** It has little to do with liking another person. One can show love to a person in need by providing a meal, without necessarily having any degree of affection for the person. In a romantic relationship, feelings such as affection, passion, and intimacy... support a state of love. Lust, is not love... it tends to be a selfish and has minimal to do with the well being of the other person. A relationship based on being needy, or using the other person, or conditional on getting ones own needs met first is selfish and not love in any mature sense of the word. The attributes of a mature form of love were written down some 1950 years ago in the book Corinthians... that part about love is not jealous, or boastful. Love is forgiving and holds no account of wrongs. Etc. Not a bad read.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 30 (view)

I like a girl, but she has a boyfriend Posted: 8/14/2008 8:22:41 AM
She has a boyfriend.. she is flirting with you. General guide... ... If s/he does it with you, s/he'll do it to you.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 94 (view)

Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless Posted: 7/13/2008 5:30:19 PM
I clipped a cartoon from a newspaper some years ago... it is a couple standing at the side of a hill marked "tunnel of love", and the keeper handing them shovels telling them they have to dig it themselves.

w_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless Posted: 7/7/2008 5:38:18 AM
Harley (the on-line marriage counsellor) compares relationships to living in a house. Some people are freeloaders - they come and go as they please, take what they want, contribute very little of any value, and will stay as long as it is easy for them. Renters put some effort into it, do what chores are necessary, maybe even help decorate the place to make it more livable, but they take no long term ownership of the house, or relationship. Buyers take ownership of the house (relationship). They make it important, invest and even sacrifice for it for the long term. There is little problem if both people have the same expectations. But if one is looking to buy and the other is only interested in freeloading, what then? I suppose one might consider if the house (relationship) is a worthwhile investment (fixer upper but structurally sound) or a money pit (maintenance disaster on a poor foundation).

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 21 (view)

Emotional predators Posted: 7/1/2008 7:08:47 AM
For an excellent primer on the topic of Emotional Vampires, please review http://www.albernstein.com/id55.htm

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 16 (view)

Too Soon??? Posted: 6/19/2008 9:38:31 AM
Calysta... I wonder if you standing up for your friend will detract attention from the bride, where it ought to be. Have you personally discussed this with the bride to know that she enthusiastically supports the idea? If she does support you being best man, then you still have your problem. If she truly would prefer all eyes to be on her, then you have an honourable reason to resign your duties and attend the wedding as a guest, invite and enjoy time with your new guy. Of course the groom will have to find a new best man, and with the knowledge that it had better be a male. Several problems ... some potentially serious ones ... solved. Best wishes.

W_ayn_e

Joined: 1/17/2008

Msg: 74 (view)

Does the past define your Future? Posted: 6/10/2008 10:56:08 AM
Consider yourself in a power boat making its way across a lake. Look behind you to see where you have come from. One can't deny the wake of the boat and trails in the water as evidence of how you got to where you are. Now turn around and see where you can go. Does the past define your future? Only if you continue to allow it.

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