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 Author Thread: Any Clues?
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Any Clues?
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:18:25 AM
Okay, so I recently rewrote my profile, and I thought I had done a great job of it. Or at least, made a major improvement. However, it seems that over the last month I've actually gotten less e-mails. Can anyone please offer me some hints on where I might've gone wrong?
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Profile Review
Posted: 8/30/2009 1:07:54 PM
Just from a quick read, I would say get rid of the last sentence (read the tips sticky for more on this), and add some to the about me section.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Single Father of Four - May take a While
Posted: 8/30/2009 11:16:52 AM
Ok. I probably should add a little note to what I said. The state I am originally from, as well as the state I live in now, both allow pretty easy no-fault divorces. While a lot of what I said holds true regardless, there may be a little bit of wiggle room for those living in states that require a period of separation before allowing a divorce.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Single Father of Four - May take a While
Posted: 8/30/2009 11:05:21 AM
I'll probably get flamed for this, but I have to throw in my two cents on the separation issue.

If you're not divorced, you're still married! That piece of paper DOES make a difference. Not having it shows either that the end of the relationship is new, or that you're not really ready for it to be over, or both. Neither one is attractive.

To those that say that they're only still married for financial reasons, I have to say, you're either full of crap, or you're not able to take care of yourself. Once again, neither is attractive.

The most common thing I hear is that people say they can't afford the divorce process. The fact is, that if you and your ex are getting on alright informally, without the divorce, then it's really not that expensive to put it down on paper. And if you can't agree on the terms, then maybe it is true you can't afford it, but that still doesn't make you an attractive dating prospect. Dealing with an ex you don't get along with is bad enough - without the firm boundaries established by the divorce decree, there is going to be constant drama in your life. If you're really serious about it being over, then do what ever you have to, and make it actually BE over.

If you say you can't afford it because you can't afford to be finacially independent from one another, that might be understandable, especially in today's economy, but it's still not attractive in terms of dating.

The main thing though, is that you can't legally get married to someone else. Not many people commit to a relationship with a single parent, and all of the problems and issues that comes with it, unless they plan on being around for a LONG time. If you're not actually divorced, then the possibility of them having a future with you is at best questionable. You also put your new partner in a position where they may have less influence on your life than an ex. Nobody wants to be in that position.

Certainly not everyone will see it this way, but the vast majority of people reading: "Marital Status: Separated" and "Do you have children? Yes" are going to move on without reading another word.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
New spin
Posted: 8/30/2009 10:08:59 AM
I posted on here a while ago, and tried to incorporate some of the tips I got at the time, I think for a great improvement. Still, I've been trying to refine/tweak my profile over time, and I've just done a major revision. I'd appreciate any comments or ideas.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Why is our ability to cook/clean so important to men?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:54:03 AM
Personally, I'd have to say it's along the lines of what some other posters have said. I want someone who will complement me, who is good at some of the things that I'm not, and will make up for some of my deficits.

I don't need her to be a gourmet chef, but if she can top my cooking skills (spagetti and baked chicken are about all I usually aspire to), then that's a definite plus. As for cleaning... I don't actually mind cleaning, but I suck at organizing things. I'll sweep and mop and do the dishes and wipe down every surface in the house, but half the time my clean clothes sit in a basket until I wear them next.

Anyways, I don't think it's weird or odd or unfair that I value those traits over others. I mean, why should I care if she's an astronaut? If that's what she wants to be, then great for her, but why would that be something I should value? I never dreamed of being married to an astronaut (or insert any other career field, if you like), any more than you dreamed of cleaning house.

We all appreciate someone who can bring something to the table that we want, and don't have. I don't understand the big mystery here.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
PHOTOS????
Posted: 5/13/2009 1:28:02 AM
I haven't really studied myself like this, but I would guess it would make me more likely to check out her profile. Generally though, even if it might be nice to look at, that's about where I'll quit. Unless she's got a great profile to back it up, and it seems like we've got a lot in common, it's probably going to make me LESS likely to follow through and message her. Of course, it also depends somewhat on if it's the main pic, or one of the extras. I would say those kind of balance out for me in terms of net effect on desirability. If she's attractive, then great, but at the same time, it makes me wonder a little about her personality.

Overall, I'd say something more conservative is a lot more likely to get a response if you're looking for something more than a one time rendezvous.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 753 (view)
 
It's a Coffee!
Posted: 4/26/2009 2:10:10 PM
So, I guess I'm going to throw in my 2 cents.
For my personal feelings, I pretty much always pay on dates. Now, if we've been dating for a little bit and she wants to pay for something, particularly if she suggested it, that's ok by me, and will probably help a lot towards my forming a positive opinion about her for my next point.

I have no problem paying; HOWEVER, an overwhelming sense of entitlement is about THE most unattractive thing EVER in any person I meet, much less a girl I'm dating. I want someone honest, and who comes by things through honest effort, not expecting them to fall in their lap "just because". Besides, if isn't willing to share the burden of paying for a simple meal (if she has the financial ability to do so), and just wants to take, why should I think that she would make a good choice for a partner in life? Shouldn't a relationship include both taking AND giving?

Which brings me to something else. All those ladies who are seemingly aghast at the idea that I guy would expect some sort of sexual favor in return for his financial outlay might want to stop and think. It is precisely your determination to maintain this unbalanced fiscal relationship, where the guy pays for everything, that conditions SOME of us to equate spending money with sex. And frankly, while I don't share this opinion, it's hard for me to find fault with it. If a cup of coffee is the necessary outlay to buy your attention for half an hour, how much does it cost to get you to sleep with him? Of course, this could be avoided altogether by removing money from the equation. If you both buy your own drinks, then you are equals, he didn't "pay" you anything, and he has no reason to expect anything. So the next time one of you girls is about to get offended about what a guy expects from you at the end of an evening, stop and think about what it was you expected of him throughout.

(Note: None of this should be read to mean that dinner=sex is a proper or realistic equation, as it completely ignores the fact that we are more than simply property with a price to be haggled over. It is simply intended to introduce a counterpoint to some of the more facile and emotionally inflamed posts I have had the displeasure of reading.)

My basic outlook is, I'm perfectly willing to pay, but out of courtesy to her, not because she is entitled to it. If I ever get the idea that I'm paying because she would not be willing to, then it won't be an issue, because there won't be any more dates with her anyways.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Internet Dating-A Lifestyle Choice?
Posted: 4/24/2009 1:21:14 AM

I've never met, started dating, got serious with a man I met online or otherwise and then kept looking online while I was dating-and neither have the women I know. But NEARLY every man we've met has.


My experience in this has been quite the opposite actually. Women seem to me to do this more often than men. Still, I have to wonder what you define as "getting serious" and whether or not you have any good reason to believe that the other person has similar ideas as to the status of your relationship.

I don't see any reason why someone should stop looking just because they went on more than one date with a single person. I mean, if he has a toothbrush at your house, and is still looking for a date for Saturday night, that might be something to take offense to. If you've been on three dates and he still visits an online dating site, particularly if he is corresponding with people he starting chatting with before or during the time he met you, not so much.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Message with girl for a few weeks... now nothing
Posted: 3/16/2009 1:50:33 PM
I changed my message settings up.

Interestingly, she just messaged me back finally... hmmm... lol
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Button Pushing
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:35:52 PM
Maybe he was just trying to touch your leg, got nervous at the last second, and tried to cover it up and be all macho by acting like an ass. Or maybe he just is an ass...
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Tips Appreciated
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:16:22 PM
Ok... it took me a while, but I finally got around to doing an "initial rewrite" on my about me section. I haven't really done much with the other things yet, which I'll get back to later.

I'm definitely could use some eyes on the new version. Other than the fact that it seems a little long to me, I'm not sure what to think of it yet. Any suggestions would be welcome.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Message with girl for a few weeks... now nothing
Posted: 3/16/2009 9:13:53 AM
Thank you all for your comments. I've got a much better perspective now I think. Also please don't get me wrong and think that I am hanging everything on this one girl. I am still looking, etc. While I did find this girl to be particularly interesting, I was more trying to get a feel for how people react to this situation in general.

For instance, if most people had said give it another try, I would have thought it more likely that she would respond to another e-mail. (I probably would, even if I had lost interest, as long as it wasn't too immediate or overly abundant.) I have found though, that I often look at things totally different from my peers. (You can read this as, I've been told I am lacking in "common sense", whatever that is.) So I just thought it might be helpful to get some perspective from a larger group. As such, you have all been wonderful, and I appreciate your help.

To Ms Penelope:
I have found that the promises of politicians and military leaders alike must be taken with a grain of salt. That being said, with 12 month deployments being targeted, new units would still have to deploy until at least August of this year to have the last one leave by August 2010. Still some units leaving this year are not going to be replaced, so we are still downsizing somewhat, at least from what I've been hearing. Finally, being a medic, especially in a medical unit, I was probably always going to deploy. There's always going to be medical support wherever there are other troops. This is kind of off topic though, so if you have any additional questions you'd like to ask me, feel free to message me.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
It turns out he is in the military--Germany
Posted: 3/15/2009 8:26:15 AM
How often are you messaging him? And do you usually respond 5 minutes after he e-mails you, or do you not see it right away? I know that myself, being deployed to Iraq currently, the time zone difference, as well as my military obligations, often interfere with timely communication back to the states. I would assume that it is at least somewhat similar in Germany.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
I just don't get it.
Posted: 3/15/2009 8:09:46 AM

Or maybe she was taken by aliens.


Weird... same thing happened to this other chick I was talking to...

On a serious note, I totally feel where you are coming from. I'm still trying to find that balance between "I liked you, and I haven't talked to you in a little while, what's up?" and "Hi, I'm a creepy stalker who you need to block, thank God you never gave me your contact info."

Still I would say that if you are panicking and sending follow-ups after only 6 hours, you might need to reassess a little. Just my opinion. Anyways, good luck.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Message with girl for a few weeks... now nothing
Posted: 3/15/2009 7:52:45 AM

Maybe she got busted using her work computer for personal stuff and can no longer to so.


I had considered this possibility, but I guess I just wasn't sure where to go with that line of thought...


Sorry.... but personally think, that if you are keen to keep intouch with someone, you jump at the reply (almost instantly) and if you are keen on that person then you are constantly checking your inbox to see what mail is there from them!


While I get where you are coming from with this, there are several factors that have made me hesitant to jump to that conclusion, which I would normally have assumed immediately:
1. I am in Iraq, 7-8 hours ahead, meaning that the hours I do get off (which are few) are often not normal waking/working hours in the U.S.
2. I am often out on missions, and sometimes go a few days without checking my e-mail.
3. She explained and apologized in the past for her delayed responses, explaining that she only used the internet at work, and had a difficultly finding time to e-mail back and forth.


I'd hope she'd know she can go to a library or net cafe or someplace where they have a computer and contact you there.


While she seemed very intelligent when I talked to her, and I'm sure she's aware of this option, she is also a single mother to a three year old son. As such, I imagine her free time is spent similarly to how my free time is spent when I have my son -- that is, with her child. So I'm not sure this means anything in and of itself.


Did she say WHY she was deleting her profile?


She did not say anything more specifically to me. She did change her by-line to read "people are weird, deleting this", shortly after she messaged me with her e-mail. I wasn't really sure whether to inquire further, or maybe ask later down the line if it ever came up.


All in all thank you guys for the replies so far. I guess my biggest thing was what should I do. I guess I am thinking that my last message to her didn't really give much for her to respond to, as I was kind of in a hurry when I sent it, and I'm wondering whether I should follow up or not. So far I think the consensus I am getting is no...?
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Message with girl for a few weeks... now nothing
Posted: 3/15/2009 4:10:03 AM
Ok, I messaged this girl on here a little over a month ago. We ended up chatting back and forth for about 2 weeks. Then all of a sudden she sends me a message saying she is deleting her profile, but that if I still want to talk to her, I could e-mail her. I did so, and after a couple messages back and forth, I haven't heard from her. I am currently deployed to Iraq and she is a single mom and says she only has internet access at work. As a result, there has occasionally been a couple days lag time between our responses to each other.

However, since my last e-mail to her, it's been over a week and I haven't heard back. I'm not sure what to think. What do you think I should do, if anything?
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Naked Poll
Posted: 3/11/2009 10:06:23 PM
I think you guys are giving Frmguy way too hard of a time. I think I'd probably feel the same way. It's not him insulting her as much as it is her insulting him by refusing to trust him not to run. If she's that insecure, especially with someone she plans on being intimate with, it's surely going to lead to other problems down the line. In my book, that's just a smart call, not him being an ***hole.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Tips Appreciated
Posted: 3/8/2009 9:59:42 PM
Ah ok. Maybe it's my experience with fellow soldiers that causes that. It really almost does require an apology to them sometimes. Anyways, I'm gonna have to take a little bit to try to figure out how to re-write, but I appreciate all your input so far.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Tips Appreciated
Posted: 3/8/2009 1:07:50 PM
Well, I thought adding pics of me would be easier than it is. As it turns out, I just got about 250 pics off my camera, and about 95% are of my son. So far I've only found about half a dozen with me in them, and most of those are me and my son. I did add one, though. Just curious, why is it you suggested avoiding including my son in any? Is
this tying in with your first paragraph, or something else?

Also, I'm still trying to figure out how to re-write the body. Do you think you could offer anything a little more specific in the way of suggestions? For instance, what strikes you as particularly negative?
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Tips Appreciated
Posted: 3/8/2009 10:36:52 AM
Ok thanks, I'll try to see what I can do.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
help
Posted: 3/8/2009 10:33:45 AM
So you know what people are talking about with spelling/grammar, I'll give you some I noticed off the bat:

'But I also have a serious side to.' - This is a fragment, it disrupts the flow and makes it a little harder to read. You have quite a few of these throughout. Many of these are caused by you having a period (.) where a comma (,) should be.
Also, too is missing the last 'o'. When it's used to mean "also", you need to spell it differently. You did this throughout as well.

In the second paragraph, the first two sentences should actually be one, with a comma between. The next sentence is a fragment with no subject: 'Devoted to family and friends but most of all my walk with the lord.'
In fact, the next one after that is as well.
Oh yeah, and for the religious here, 'lord' is usually capitalized to indicate reverence or something like that...
"Parents" has only one 'r'.
"Repeat" is not spelled 'repete'.
"A lot" is still not considered a single word, despite my continuing efforts to change that.

This is by no means an exhaustive proof-read, but hopefully it should clue you in a little on at least the mechanical issues that might belie the image of intelligence you are trying to convey. If I were you, I would run the whole thing through the spelling/grammar checker of your choice as a minimum.

You have already come a long way towards improving readability, so keep up the good work.

As for content, I'll leave it for the ladies, since I'm just as clueless as you.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
help
Posted: 3/7/2009 4:53:58 PM
Off the bat, I would have to say you need to reformat your about me section. I can't even read it to comment on it. It needs to be separated into paragraphs, and you need spaces between new sentences as well as a period.
 BryKKan
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Tips Appreciated
Posted: 3/7/2009 4:46:17 PM
Well, let me just start with the fact that I find it very difficult to write anything about myself, because I tend to be a little heavy with the backspace. So, once I do get something down that sounds even half decent, I tend to leave it alone. As such, I thought maybe it was time to ask for some opinions and suggestions on how to improve my profile (other than adding more pics, which I'm working on).
 
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