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 Author Thread: Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 4/12/2013 1:51:34 PM
"Based on your posts here ... you are the odd woman out."

In my experience, it is about 60% of the women who have been married who no longer have a need to marry again, and about 40% of the women who would like to marry again.

"all other women follow"

Women don't need to follow other women. They are quite capable of making up their minds as to whether or not they want to have another live in in their lives.

Saying that the majority of women expect to marry again, doesn't make it so.

"Should I tell my date " I'm not looking to get married any time soon or ever for that matter" or just leave it alone? Should a guy get this out there as quickly as possible ?"

OP, why don't you just ask the women you are out with, does she see herself ever remarrying? You might just be surprised that she wants the same thing you do in lifestyle.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 86 (view)
 
Guys that shaved their arms and back...what do you think?
Posted: 3/30/2013 6:09:33 PM
"Please Quit advising hairy men to shave,(the few masculine hairy men we have left.) Hope they do not follow your advice.
I will stick to regular/natural men that aren't afraid to be masculine"

They are all yours. Keep them away from me..............ew.

If they classify their masculinity by how much hair they have on their body, you can have them. Nasty.

If they are too lazy to groom, they are all yours.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 137 (view)
 
Question for the ladies...
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:50:29 PM
Bang, bang.......................she shot you down...................bang, bang.
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, his baby shot him down.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 52 (view)
 
How long has it been?
Posted: 3/29/2013 2:50:31 PM
"And honestly if a woman goes more than a few months then she's just not trying! LOL."

What about if she hasn't meet anyone that she hasn't said yes to a date to, because she wasn't interested in those who asked?

" So that might be a red flag to a guy come to think of it!"

Must be! I have had two guys lately block me because I said I haven't dated in a while. Didn't even get a chance to add that I haven't been interested in those who ask.

Imo, those who just date anyone or just from one bad relationship to another aren't people I want to date.
Boring! Who dates just anybody?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Bedtime rule Question for men
Posted: 3/27/2013 8:45:57 PM
" in the end you have to find some kind of compromise, this is not a problem that is going to go away."

The only compromise I can think of was already suggested........get his a teddy bear.

Seriously, one partner is supposed to have their sleep pattern control by their partner.
Let's think about it. One person is being told to lie in bed for several hours unable to sleep because they must compromise? Imo, that makes no sense. Mind I would never get involved with a person who wasn't adult enough to be able to sleep by themselves. No person is worth a life time sentence of wasting 3 or 4 hrs. a night every night just lying in bed because your partner is acting like a baby. I can see doing it for a small child who is afraid of the dark, but a grow man?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Bedtime rule Question for men
Posted: 3/27/2013 1:20:57 PM
"Contrary to what some believe, the research shows you can't simply reset an internal clock. Even the start of DST can disrupt sleep/wake cycles."

Exactly.

Even if I have to be up at 3 a.m. to catch a flight or something, I can't fall asleep till after midnight.

The thought of going to bed a 9:30 p.m. just to please someone who demands that I be in bed with them, then just lying there awake till midnight tells me I am with the wrong person whether or not we spend time making love.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Bedtime rule Question for men
Posted: 3/27/2013 10:40:34 AM
"I do think it's a little unreasonable that you can't get up and do your own thing after he's asleep, but could you compromise one or two nights a week? Perhaps read a book in bed, so you're there even if you aren't asleep? Or maybe get a tablet, and watch TV under the blankets if that's what you like to do."

And if he complains about the above then what?

Sleep in very important to lead a health personal lifestyle.

Imo, someone who can't sleep unless their partner is lying next to them has some kind of problem they need to fix.
What is a person who can't sleep without a partner lying next to them do to survive if they become single?
It doesn't seem to make sense to me that anyone has had a partner to sleep next to them all their life.
Is this a person who had a sibling sleep with them as a child?
Where does this kind in insecurity come from?

How many people would allow themselves to lie in bed night after night bored senseless, when it isn't their time to sleep due to their work schedule?

I am a night person. I have no interest in getting up at 4, 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning to use those hours of the day as personal time. I don't even consider dating someone who is an early morning person whether it be because of their work schedule or because they choose to live that way.

My late husband used to get up at 5 a.m. (quietly with no expectation that I would get up). He also never went to bed before 11 p.m. or midnight. He was the type of person who only needed 5 or 6 hrs. a night. Most people need more sleep than that. I was lucky and it wasn't a problem. However, I wouldn't sign up to do it again, because I now would need to have separate bedrooms if not separate houses.

I really have to scratch my head if an adult tells me that they can't sleep alone.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Do you believe in typical gender roles?
Posted: 3/21/2013 5:27:25 PM
I think Igore's post should be read by certain forum members. If they understand what he is saying they could solve some of the things that are causing them to be bitter and then they could move on with their lives.

A workable relationship needs two people of the opposite or same sex that are compatible in our culture during the year 2013. Roles have no bearing on this.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Do you believe in typical gender roles?
Posted: 3/21/2013 12:51:10 PM
"I don't think it has anything to do with gender but I do believe that the most successful relationships happen when there is a dominant member and a more subservient member regardless of gender. Two dominant personalities can lead to constant head butting, two subservient personalities sort of drift."

In some cases, the above it true, while in others it isn't. A true Alpha personality works best with another true Alpha personality. I personally am a true Alpha, and I would never get into a relationship with a partner who wasn't a true Alpha also. I know it works, because it has worked for me. My last husband and I had a very successful marriage and we were both Alpha. I can write pages on why it works but I won't bore the readers.
I do think that many people don't know what a true Alpha personality is all about, and this why many people think Alphas need to dominant their mate.

" Lesbians have a tendency to label themselves as either butch or femme. "

My two best friends are lesbians. They have been in a very successful live in relationship for 11 1/2 years now. Neither label themselves as butch or femme, nor do they act as femme or butch in any way.

Labels are for filing nor for using on people.

"So it doesn't really matter if you are gay or straight, you're still a human being, you're still driven by the desire to have babies."

No, no they are not!!! Not all people anyway!
Just because some people are driven by the desire to have babies, why do they think all people are like minded.

Most of my friends live in a child free zone by choice. Many people don't want to be parents. Many people have other callings than being a parent. Many people are aware the the earth can't support the people who are already here. Many people don't see the logic in having to have mini me's. Many people don't have to leave proof after they die that they existed.
Some people find children to be an ick factor. End of rant!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Love and Pizza
Posted: 3/18/2013 9:14:59 PM
"messy, messy. I just can't pull off 'sauce on the chin look' hehe"

If a women can't pull off "sauce on the chin look", why do men with facial hair?

Frightening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Love and Pizza
Posted: 3/18/2013 3:04:15 PM
"the pizza gets cold on the airplane."

Cold pizza..................OMG, the thought of warm pizza is bad enough.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Love and Pizza
Posted: 3/18/2013 2:46:58 PM
"It's a major ICK if someone doesn't like Pizza."

That would be me. Guess it is another reason not to date.

95% of men in my age group and area have facial hair, which is a no go for me, and now they want me to eat pizza.
EW...............ICK!

The visual of facial hair mixed with pizza is just too much for me.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
stay or not to stay?
Posted: 3/9/2013 4:40:16 PM
"the question isnt weather or not to "force" her to have kids, or if she will be happy without them. I know shes not having kids, and will probably be happy with her decision. The question is weather or not I can be happy without them, or if I will grow to be regretful and bitter about it."

OP, you stated that when you married neither of you knew if you wanted children. Now you are saying that you are thinking about divorcing her if she doesn't change her mind. How long before you tell her that, or are you already telling her you will probably become bitter.

The responsibility for whether you will grow regretful and bitter about it is up to you, just as the responsibility for not knowing whether or not you wanted children before you married is yours.

You have only been married a very short time and seem unhappy with many aspects of your relationship.

Imo, you will decide that this marriage isn't what you want after only 18 months of marriage.

Please make sure your next partner guarantees that she will have children before you marry her.

Ps. Have you checked medically that you yourself can have children. It would be such a waste to divorce over this issue only to find out that you weren't capable of having children. Canadian study Feb. 2013 listed infertility at 16% of couples.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
stay or not to stay?
Posted: 3/9/2013 3:47:32 PM
"Every parent I have spoken to, even the few friends I have who do already have kids all say it is the best thing they have ever experienced. "

Myself and all my friends who have decided to be child free are thrilled with our decision.

No reason your wife should be forced to have children she doesn't want.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Can't imagine living with someone again after so long?
Posted: 3/8/2013 8:14:50 AM
" I want to share a home, that's what makes it a home. "

That is your opinion. I have lived alone in my own home for quite a while. My home is very much a home. I don't need to share it with anyone else for it to be a home.

" I don't want someone that lives across town and I see them whenever we can, I want to see someone walk through the door at the end of the day, every day. Maybe this is because I had a good relationship that didn't end in divorce, or more than one divorce. I'm not jaded."

I also had a good relationship that didn't end in divorce. I am not jaded. However, I have learned that for this phase of my life, I don't want a live in relationship.

If certain people want a live in relationship, have at it. If certain people prefer to have a non live in relationship that lasts long term, that too is all good.

"Oh do enlighten me .. what else was it? You're not married or even living together. You each work, have your own home, and don't share daily responsibilities. You just get together to bang each other when in the mood and then go your separate ways. Pretend all you like but they have a name for this. If you like it .. fine.. wear it with pride."

Here comes the enlightening. Although you can't see it, and it isn't for you, some couples have long term relationship that are no different than a marriage except that they live separately. These type of relationship have just as much of a chance of working out long term as marriages.

My father had a 30 yr. relationship that was non live in with his lady friend until he died. They saw each other just about every day. They work at the same company until they retired. They spent a couple of months every summer living together at the lake property, but returned to their own places every year when summer was done.

The secret is to find a partner who wants the same day to day living arrangements as you do.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Question for the ladies...
Posted: 3/8/2013 7:00:29 AM
"No need to go into my post history and jump to conclusions..most of that is just joking around anyways..stick to the topic at hand."

OP your question was "Was i just a dinner/movie/dancing date for her to fill in some boring times? Or have I been 'friend-zoned' from the very beginning? Was she just not 'into' me?"

Your posting history doesn't come across as just joking. Maybe you mean it as a joke, but it comes off as an attitude that you don't value your dates as people, just another person to bang. Your attitude comes across someone who just wants sex as frequently as possible with as many partners as you can. If that is what you want, that is what you want. However, if that attitude is coming across to the people you date like it does in your posts, that might be why this particular date doesn't want to invest much into seeing you. Maybe she just doesn't want to be yet another women you just banged.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 80 (view)
 
How common is wanting to sleep alone?
Posted: 2/22/2013 8:32:28 PM
"How do you handle sex with your partner? Does he hop into your bed, or you hop into his bed, go at it and get the deed done, then say to him: We're done, so go back to your bedroom/We're done, so I'm going back to my bedroom"? Do you also complain that men are not romantic and wish your guy would show more romance?"

Is that a serious question?

Do people really only have sex in the bedroom? Say it isn't so.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 62 (view)
 
How common is wanting to sleep alone?
Posted: 2/22/2013 6:46:24 AM
"there is just something about waking up with the woman you love pressed up against you "

If that person has snored like a freight train most of the night, has morning breath etc...............not so much fun.

"if she wakes me up during the night .. fine."

I put in more than 10 years of never getting a full nights sleep. I was lucky if I could get 2 hrs. a night. I was young and in love. How stupid was I to not go to the spare room! Never again.

I do have to question if these people who say it is fine for their partner to wake them up, has ever put in the time with next to no sleep night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year. Once you have been through that, it is next to impossible to sign up for it again.

I have to be honest. It would be a deal breaker to me today not to be able to have separate rooms.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
How common is wanting to sleep alone?
Posted: 2/22/2013 6:18:44 AM
I guess there is two ways to look at the sleep alone issue.

Imo, people should have things in common or it isn't going to work out. Those who need all night cuddling aren't a good fit with someone who can't get the sleep they need sleeping with someone else.

However, if you really care about your partner, why would you want to put them through night after night of not getting the sleep they need.

Some people can't sleep if the other person is snoring or bouncing around in bed. If you are the snorer, or you are very restless in bed even though you are getting your sleep, do you really want to rob your mate of getting the sleep they need.

There is no insult to a mate if you find it necessary to sleep on couch/in separate bedroom because of their or your sleep habits (or yours).

Who says the couple can't cuddle before they fall asleep. Once you are asleep, you are only aware that they aren't there if you wake up anyway.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 47 (view)
 
How common is wanting to sleep alone?
Posted: 2/21/2013 7:42:22 PM
Count me in the separate bedrooms camp. My bed is my nest. I sleep with 3 pillows. A water pillow for my neck/head and 2 body pillow - 1 for my back and 1 to position my knee on. Queen sized bed and I am only little, but only room for me...................so sorry!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Are men really that afraid of being grandfathers?
Posted: 2/19/2013 5:44:00 PM
"Grandkids keep you young! Older people without ever having kids around seem...old."

Where does that kind of logic come from? Makes no sense to me.

I sure couldn't travel the way I do, if I had children in my life. Let's see.............child or travel. Not a hard choice for me.

I never dated men with minor children. I sure as heck won't be dating men with grandchildren they spend time with.

I giggled the other day when I saw an interview with Oprah. She said she always knew she wasn't the motherly type. She laughed and said that people who haven't learned to talk yet didn't belong in her home. She would be fine with them coming to her home once they were 18 yrs. old.

I have to agree with Oprah on this one.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 149 (view)
 
Snoring... how do you deal with it??
Posted: 2/17/2013 3:37:28 PM
How do you deal with it? My question is why deal with it?

The snorer can be either male or female.

I see no reason for anyone to suffer.

Ear plugs have never worked for me. I won't be taking sleeping pills for any reason.

I see no reason not to spend time in bed together, then one move to another room.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Why no progress?
Posted: 2/12/2013 6:35:16 PM
" I see lots of women on here that joined seven years ago."

I would be one of these women.

"They all are complaining about men, it seems."

Dare you to find one post written by me complaining about men.

"Many women do not change their photo's for years. Why is that?"

Mine are changed every few months.

Unlike you OP who doesn't even post one picture.

"I am also curious why women post unflattering photo's of themselves with their mouths open. Are you saying here it is, stick it in here?"

Say what? Op, this is the funniest thread I have seen in a long time.

Why no progress?

How do you know we aren't progressing exactly as we want to progress?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 146 (view)
 
Snoring... how do you deal with it??
Posted: 2/12/2013 3:05:56 PM
"This is why they make you swear vows including "for better for worse, in sickness and in health." :)"

The vow doesn't say the none snorer has to sleep in the same room as the snorer.

Little to no sleep for years because of trying to sleep with a snorer can cause severe health issues for the none snorer.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Does Anyone Else Worry About Growing Old Alone???
Posted: 2/11/2013 6:05:51 AM
" I dont consider myself to be alone, just not in a relationship."

I have been widowed for 19 years now and counting. I don't believe we are ever truly alone, unless we are a hermit.

Being the last of my kind (he he), with family members all decease, over the last few decades I have made a network of long term friends that I love and they love me. I am fairly independent, but I know that I have quite a few friends who would consider it an honor to be there for me at the end. Just like I would consider it an honor to be there for any of my beloved friends at the end of their lives.

Are you actually discussion growing old alone, or is it more that a need to have a relationship that lasts as long as we do won't happen?

I think that most of us are already in a relationship with at least one someone who would be there for us at the end. That person might not be our s/o, but at the end, does that really matter.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Sweating the Small stuff and realizing it was your fault..but too late
Posted: 2/10/2013 3:51:33 PM
I supposed it is sweating the small stuff, but in the opposite way.

I generally only use text when I am out of the country. Any guy who I have just started seeing who phones repeatedly, or expects to spend much time on the phone with me during the day isn't for me. When I am working, I don't like my work time intruded upon. Imo, too many men think that because the business is mine, I can/will chat on the phone with them for long periods. If the don't get that I am busy during work hours, they aren't the guy for me.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Am I wrong to expect old fashioned manners?
Posted: 2/9/2013 2:32:14 PM
"Seriously folks, you expect someone to be ready 1/2 hr. early for a first thing in the morning meet up?

I don't think she is the one who needs a chill pill.

I think it is rude to think people have nothing better to do than waste 1/2 before a meet just sitting around waiting. Definitely a person who thinks it, is all about him.

What if she had been in the shower when he arrived? Was she supposed to answer the door soaking wet and apologize for not being ready waiting for him at the door for 30 mins.?

Why expect someone to be ready 1/2 hr. early?

Is the person supposed to be a mind reader and know you will be 1/2 hr. early especially when they only live across the road?

The "you ought to do this and ought to do this and that" is prime control freak speak.

I wouldn't think of showing up early to someone house that I knew well on purpose. If there was a reason that I had to show up early, I would apologize and ask if they minded me waiting in their house until they were ready.

I don't tell any adult what they should do. They are adults and have a right to schedule their day any way they want. If I find I don't like their behaviour/habits I just don't make plans with them in the future.

What was his reason for being 1/2 hr. early? Surely wasn't traffic (that I could understand).

Could be more like, "I'm early, so she should be early. After all, it is all about me."

’OP, would you have rathered that he had arrived a half hour late?"

Neither too early or too late is right for this situation.

He can could have waited outside for the taxi or arrive 5 mins early. The "you ought to" speak would have surfaced eventually anyway.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 86 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 1:47:58 PM
"moraima - I have temporarily changed my settings, it would be lovely to hear from you."

Still couldn't get past gender setting. I removed all of my settings, if you want to contact me.

"he too will walk away if you raise your voice, its a very good way to get your own way. "

When I say I walk away, I mean I am done, never to get involved with that person again in most cases. I don't do this to get my own way. I walk away because I know they don't and aren't going to listen.

"However, consider yourself lucky that you never had too, and maybe a little unlucky that you havent experienced the closeness."

I never had an issue with closeness. I have in writing just how close one of my s/o's felt to me. It was one of the things that kept me sane after my husband died. He isn't the only s/o I have felt I couldn't get any closer too.

Still on the idea of passion in fighting. I have a female friend who's house in a foreign country I have stayed at many times over the years. Many Latino's are far more passionate than the average Canadian imo. When I told them the plans I had made for after I died, they got teary eyed, and said "you must think we are made of stone". Anyway, over the years, I have never seen her and her s/o fight until we went to a music fest. I didn't see what happened, but all of a sudden she came over to me and said is it ok if we go home now. The ride to their home was silent. They went to their room. You could hear her shouting, and him say, but and her name over and over. But and her name was all he could get out of his mouth. She sure wasn't listening to a thing he said. I couldn't get the whole jest of what she was angry about because of the language difference. I did know that she was beyond pissed. Her daughters headed for their bedrooms to hide, as I did. The next morning first she apologized to him, then us.
She explained that his ex had said some very nasty things to her, and he hadn't said a word to the ex. to defend her. First and last time I ever heard them fight. I think she scared herself with her Latino temper.

Now if I had been in her situation, I probably would have ignored the ex or laughed at her. I wouldn't have expected my s/o to defend me.

"sure, issues come up but easier to deal with them when listening and feeling good about eachother than angry."

I agree. We can't have any kind of discussion if we aren't listening.

I am passionate about how I love someone, just not about fighting.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/9/2013 8:34:57 AM
"Ok there are big bits about this that I dont agree with, but I think it would take us off on a tangent and maybe better for another discussion. "

I actually tried to email you but your settings don't allow messages from out of UK, which I understand. My messages are Canada only.

" Firstly the bullying, they do, they do it well and it isnt always as noticeable because they have power over people so it is often more suttle and often worse. "

Imo, this is a generalization. My definition of a true Alpha doesn't include bullying. I realize that most people don't know the (imo) true meaning of alpha. I believe that a true Alpha doesn't have a need to bully. It isn't in their nature.
They simply don't associate with people who can't respect others, and are in need of a kick in the butt.

" If we were in a room together we may of raised our voices at times, things may have got a little tense at times and this is a healthy argument. "

Interesting. I think we have been having a discussion/debate. Maybe part of the problem is that what I see as a debate you may see as an argument. Word definition between people can cause issues.
I walk away from people who raise their voices because I figure they have stopped listening. Maybe you can raise your voice and still listen to the other person. I can not, and have not experienced people who can.
I have to agree that if there was only one holiday a year, it would be far more important to spend it with your s/o.

"Im putting my relationship on the line here because I need to get my needs met, does he love me enough to hear me, do I love him enough, what is more important, the holiday I want to go on or losing my partner. Of course the argument will end and then you realise how much you do both love each other hense the passion. Im not sure we are talking about the same kind of passion, its not sex that Im talking about it is passion, a realisation of how strongly you feel for each other which together with sex is, for me, a very passionate thing."

I hear what you are saying. I just have never felt like I was putting my relationship on the line by being me. I believe in full disclosure before I get in a relationship. I feel that if I presue my needs and it ends the relationship, the relationship wasn't strong enough (real) in the first place.

I would say that by being around fighting parents, I learned early that a relationship where there is fighting isn't for me.

"I have respect for what she is saying because we have engaged in a healthy argument in a healthy way. Its a good thing, sets boundaries, brings clearer understanding and respect."

I felt the same thing about you, and maybe that is why I saw it as a discussion rather than an argument.

Whether it was an argument or a discussion doesn't matter. What does matter is that is was productive.

Posters who aren't listening to other people, I generally ignore or answer with a one liner.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:36:04 PM
"But I've been reading with interest, and irony is notable in some of the most strongly anti-arguing posters being by far the most argumentative herein."

I totally agree. I enjoy explaining why I feel different that someone else that I am not involved with. I have no problem doing it in a forum. I don't do it with friends or s/o's. Probably because I don't have to with them. Just by being around me, they know what I stand for and why, and I know the same about them. Do my friend live their lives the way I do. Hell, no. I can accept that they have the right to live their lives anyway they want to.
If my s/o was thinking of doing something I would do ie. buying a vehicle that made no sense to me, I wouldn't tell him. It is none of my business what he wanted to drive. If it made sense to him, it didn't have to make any sense to me.

Regarding growing up with parents who did or didn't fight in front of their children. My parents did fight a lot. It wasn't pleasant to be around. Maybe that is one of the reason I don't like fighting. I saw how pointless it was. I saw how they just didn't listen to one another anymore. Made me realize how pointless fighting is. Maybe they helped me pick my partners wisely for me, partners I didn't have to fight with.

I have a question for people who think fighting with their partner is healthy. How do you feel being around people you care about who fight with their mate in front of them?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 75 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 5:45:30 PM
"Please excuse me for saying this but I am begining to wonder what planet I am on here."

True alpha personalities are always leaders. They don't have to bully. People follow them or don't. The followers make that decision for themselves. Alpha's mate with alpha's because they can. Alpha's don't fight. They live their lives, and respect their mates rights to do the same.

"Because he doesnt want to go on holiday where you do he must either go on hes own or end the relationship. And arguing is a bad thing??????

What you are missing is that he is quite happy to go on his own. There is no reason to end the relationship because it isn't an issue. All this is figured out before there is a relationship.

"you will only get into a relationship where you do what you want when you want take it or leave it."

Again, you aren't seeing that the people involved agreed to do what they wanted to do independently before they got into a serious relationship. That is how they enjoy living their lives. They take vacations together several times a year, and sometimes take a vacation by themselves.

"Only thing I cant see is how you call this a working relationship."

It is a working relationship because this is the type of relationship the couple wants.

"here is no understanding of the others needs,"

There is every understand of the others needs. Both get their needs met.

"there is no closeness,"

How is there no closeness? Where does this idea come from?

"there isnt any passion,"

Where ever do you get that there is no passion? That is like saying that there is no passion because the person goes to work and doesn't stay home with their partner.
There is passion when the couple is together.
What does passion have to do with not having a need to fight?

"you dont even want to go on holiday together. "

Lots of people take multiple vacation a year. I average 5 vacations a year. Going on 1 vacation by myself out of 5 kills passion? How?

"Though understanding a little the not understanding passion."

How can you know people don't have passion for one another just because they don't spend all their down time together?
You are comparing apples and oranges.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 69 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 4:07:40 PM
" As a captain of industry you would not be able to survive without being powerful, a little bullish, highly manipulative and highly effective at winning arguments. "

This is not the definition of an alpha personality. Alpha people aren't manipulative because they don't have to be.
When you own a business you don't need to win arguments because it is your company and your choices.

"I wouldnt end my marraige because my ex didnt want to go to the same place as me on holiday. "

I couldn't be married to anyone who couldn't enjoy going on a holiday by themselves. I wouldn't marry a man who couldn't accept that from time to time I would be going on business trips, and holidays would out him. Works both ways. I would expect him to go somewhere by himself without me.

" You would end your relationship if you dont get your own way, wow, now thats what I call manipulation, big time."

I wouldn't need to get my own way, and I need to manipulate in anyway. I only get into relationship with people who know I do my own thing, and expect them to do theirs. If I saw them having a problem with that or anything else important, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them.

If you know your partner and they know you and you accept various things about the relationship there is no reason for giving them ultimations.

" If a person doesn't want to go to a place that I want to go to, that is there right. It is my right to go to that place without them. Problem solved

I'm sorry but you just broke the bs meter."

Why don't couples have the right to vacation separately? Why expect mates to be joined at the hip? No wonder you need to fight with your mate.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 66 (view)
 
I'm going to break up with her because the only thing she is willing to do is movies and dinner
Posted: 2/8/2013 1:32:06 PM
" I haven't dated or been in a relationship with any man who watches the finals of any sports

Now I get it.. you don't get involved with men. That explains a lot."

FYI, lots of men don't watch the finals of any sports events. Most played sports in school themselves, and enjoyed taking their children to participate in sports. However, their idea of a fun night out does revolve around watching sports on tv.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 12:55:01 PM
"Why? have you suffered before because someone picked fights with you?"

No, never suffered because someone picked fights with me. Why because I don't get involved with anyone who would try to make me suffer. People can only do to us, what we let them.

"however there were times when I would of liked to travelled further, seen more, done more on my holiday. There were occasions where I would look into holiday deals, discuss them with him, he wouldnt want to, I would say I did so he would say can we talk about it later. Even though I would approach the subject several times, later never come and I would miss the deadline of the holiday. Not enough to end a marriage but enough to leave me feeling disatisfied. After a couple of occasions yes, I would argue to get what I wanted, it was important to me."

If a person doesn't want to go to a place that I want to go to, that is there right. It is my right to go to that place without them. Problem solved. If your partner would not let you go on a vacation to a place that you wanted to go, but they didn't, then imho, you have the wrong partner.

" I have to say, hell yes its passionate. If its done in the right way within a respectful healthy relationship. The argument generally heightens your emotions, it heightens your feelings of love for the the other person as well as heightening other things. And yes, its a little exciting and very passionate. And when its finished you often have a much stronger feeling of closeness with your partner, deeper feelings of love and even respect that he/she is no push over and will stand their ground. "

The above is what I really don't get. I don`t need to heighten my emotions. Fighting would never heighten my emotions for a love one. I couldn`t imagine feeling closer to someone because of a fight. Fighting does make me feelings of love deeper. My partner wouldn`t need to fight with me to respect that I am not a push over. They would already know that.

I am sure that I would have no wish to be with a man that you would consider amazing, I am sure I would find him dull and uninteresting.

The men I have been with have been larger than life alpha personalities. Captains of industry who traveled the world. Some times with me some times not. I have spent most of my career owning my own business.We both had alpha personalities so one of us being a push over was next an issue. We both worked hard and played hard.
We shared many adventure. I do not know how anyone could consider that dull and uninteresting, but we are all different.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/8/2013 8:15:04 AM
"moraima - Ah then we are two different people, two different ways of dealing with things and with two different views."

We sure have different views on whether fighting in a relationship is necessary or productive.

" It is all about one party wanting their own way more than they want to respect the other person.'"

I don't have time for people like that in my life.

" I do enjoy a bit of heat and passion from time to time. And in all honesty I would miss it, dont want it all the time, dont want it often but I do want it sometimes."

Please explain. Do you mean fighting equals heat and passion?

The last thing I feel for someone who is trying to fight with me is heat and passion.

" Yeah my ex sometimes put things on the back burner, then I learnt it was a very good way of getting the other to submit by trying to get them to forget about it and carry on as you were."

Maybe I am not getting what you are trying to say. Can you give an example please?

I was thinking of a situation ie. buying another home. He likes one you looked at and you like another. Solution imo, is to wait to buy another home till you both find the same one you like.

Some people just like to fight...........even with their S/O. I don't and won't be around people who need to fight to feel they are alive. If you like to fight, and find an S/O who also like to fight, enjoy. I just won't be part of a relationship like that.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 5:33:21 PM
"I too can explain my feelings very well, however, communication is a two way thing, if you explain and the other person doesnt understand or respond then the disagreement will begin. "

Imho, this is something you learn about a person before you get involved in a relationship with them.

" It would be a lovely world if my feelings were respected but with the best will in the world there are times when a man just does not get a woman in the same way a woman just does not get a man. "

I don't think it is about "getting the other person" when they feel they need to fight to get their way. It is all about one party wanting their own way more than they want to respect the other person.

" And do you know what, sometimes I am wrong about stuff, shocking I know, but sometimes I have to admit, Ive stood my ground, wondered why he is getting all hot and bothered about stuff and a week or so later realised that maybe just maybe he was right and I was wrong. Am sure it worked the other way around as well."

Why not try not standing your ground until you have thought it through?

"Finally, the making up after an arguement is the best, sometimes during the argument isnt bad either lol oooo good conflict resolution."

Personally, I don't need/want the drama of an argument. I would rather spend the time enjoying the intimacy of the relationship than having an argument that I need to make up with the other person before I can enjoy intimacy.

My ideas of good conflict resolution is to find a solution before conflict breaks out, or put the situation on the back burner until a different solution acceptable to both parties can be found.

Arguments are just another form of manipulation imo.

If you can't find a solution to something that will cause conflict, why not do nothing about the problem until a non arguementive solution can be found. Why does one party need to have to win?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 12:28:43 PM
"No offense but I have never met a widow that didn't have the perfect marriage. "

No offense taken. I was quoting one example of a relationship I have had. I should have know better than to comment on the relationship with my late husband. My late husband died 19 yrs. ago. I have had relationship since. I have never entered a relationship with anyone where arguing was part of the relationship, and I never will. I don't accept people as friends if they have to need to fight. I sure am not going to be having an intimate relationship with anyone who has a need to fight.

"For the rest of us, relationships come with conflict. "

That is a choice you make. You could chose a mate that you don't have to have conflict with.
Having to have a mate that you fight with is a mind set. Change the mind set.

" Unless one partner is constantly submitting to the other, eventually, there is going to be an argument. I am a firm believer that this is healthy. It isn't that the best couples don't disagree and argue.. it is that they know how to do it without causing harm to the relationship."

I am firm believer that I can have healthy relationships without arguments. Why? because I can't understand why I would want to have arguments with someone I care about. Also, once you have had relationships that didn't include fighting, there is no upside to being in a fighting relationship.

How is no harm caused to the relationship if people argue? How do the people not create harm to themselves and their health if they are living with someone they argue with?

Why is it so hard to resolve a situation without arguing?

Years ago I got tired of wet towels being deposited on the bathroom floor. It never entered my mind to start an argument about it. I went out and bought the ugliest indoor laundry drying rack I could find. Put it in the bathroom, and hung the wet towels on it. My mate came home, and went into the bathroom. I heard a roar, followed by a big laugh. My mate came out with a big smile on his face, and said "ok, I get it".
Problem solved without fighting.
Yes, another person might of tried to get into a fight with me for doing that, but I would have found out already that they were the type of person who finds in necessary (for whatever reason) to get into fights. Therefore, I wouldn't be living with them in the first place. The wet towels on the floor in their own house would not be my concern so I could date them, just wouldn't live with them.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 11:30:30 AM
"Personally, I feel that no arguments shows a lack of feeling and I guess a lack of passion. However, others that I know do disagree but in a different way ie sulking, not talking ect. "

Imho, it is easy to have feelings without arguing because of them. I can explain my feelings without having to expect the other person to change what they are doing because of my feelings. If my feelings aren't respected, I wouldn't be in a relationship with the person in the first place.

Imo, a person can be passionate about things especially love without having to fight over their passion.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. "

I love the idea of recording a fight and playing it back. Might just give people cause to change their behaviour.

I see people who yell or hit their dogs. I can't think of anything positive in yelling or hitting a dog that would build a stable relationship with that pet.

I just don't get why people think it is normal to fight with their partner, or what possible positive outcome there could be to that behaviour.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Should there be fighting in a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2013 10:29:34 AM
" My last relationship lasted 6 years and we never had a single argument. Not one

Even if this were true.... (and I'm not buying it) it would mean that one of you was very passive and always giving in to the other and that is just as unhealthy. EVERY relationship has disagreements and when it is 50/50 there are going to be "heated discussions". That doesn't mean you have to lose respect and resort to verbal or physical abuse but it does mean that tempers are going to be introduced. It is "how" we deal with these moments that define our relationship."

Anyone who hasn't been in a non fighting relationships believes that such relationship don't exist. I guess you have to experience to believe it.

My late husband and I where both alpha personalities. We accepted and respected each others right to run our own lives. His career was his and mine was mine. We never interfered with the other. Neither was passive and gave in on any issue. There was nothing to give in to. Our relationship shared items ie. where we would live, what type of house, and furniture we had was never an issue because we had the same life style goals, and tastes.
If either of us wanted to buy a new vehicle, we didn't consult the other because we paid for vehicles with money we ourselves earned. If either of us wanted to go on a vacation to a different place, we went and didn't resent the other for going to a different location.

I would have to agree that you have to find a mate perfect for you to have a non fighting relationship.
I wouldn't get involved with anyone whether as a friend or a relationship that disagreements would happen.
I have long term (decades) friends that we have never had a disagreement ever.

",like say a woman is super clingy in your past relationships,and you date a woman who isnt,you may become insecure with the fac tthat you dont need to reassure her your going out with the guys,and that will cause conflict...ts with anything,you may like creamy penut butter and she likes crunchy,the guy may leave the toilet seat up and she stays over and gets her ass washed in the toilet in the middle of the night "

Don't date clingy people is you don't like clingy.
If you don't like the same type of peanut butter, but a jar of each.
Each have your own bathroom.

Don't just fight with a partner to get your own way. Fix the problem, not the person.

Please don't say it isn't possible just because you haven't experienced it.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
I'm going to break up with her because the only thing she is willing to do is movies and dinner
Posted: 2/6/2013 8:23:05 PM
There are people who need their partner to go every where they go, and to like everything they like.

There are people who get that their partner doesn't want to go to certain events because they don't like them. These people are quite happy to either go to the events that their partners don't want to go to alone, or go with another friend(s). This leaves them free to not go to things with their partner that they themselves don't like.

You wouldn't get me to attend a concert or watch the Super Bowl with someone's family. I would be very uncomfortable doing either.

" I partly look at her as mentally disabled that she is so miserable doing anything that's not her "thing. I feel bad for her."

Stop blaming her for knowing herself well enough to know what she doesn't like.
Your the one with the issue, not her.

If you can't accept her even though she doesn't like things you do, end the relationship with her. Sounds like you would be doing both of you a favour.

She isn't co dependent. Sounds like you might be.

" I mean come on, you do not have to like sports to go to a sporting event,lol, there is energy there, can socialize, eat, or just cheer your face off, ect. lol, ...There are a lot of woman that do not so much like sports, but they attend them for a multitude of reason, I guess you can say the experience..."

You want people to socialize at an event they can't stand. Sure a lot of women don't like sports, but still attend. Mostly because they think they have to to keep a man.

Over the decades, I haven't dated or been in a relationship with any man who watches the finals of any sports. Believe it or not, there are many men and women who just aren't into sports.

"If you are going to concerts by yourself then your joys, your happiness in life will never matter to her. That is and never will be a partner."

Sounds like the definition of a co dependent partnership.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
The Older we get-The Less Time thats Needed for a LTR thats leads into Marriage???
Posted: 1/30/2013 8:53:44 PM
"I was curious myself if, for the people that are older: Is less time needed for a Long Term Relationship to move into Marriage because youvee
youve dated enough in your mind to take the next step."

There are a good number of both men and women that are older that have no interest in moving from LTR to marriage. Not because they have necessarily come out of bad marriage, but because they are quite happy being in an LTR where both people keep their own homes.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Ambivalence
Posted: 1/28/2013 3:01:30 PM
"What is it about a guy who might want to just try something spontaneous rather than "know" precisely what he wants that makes women feel better?"

Women aren't any more interested in men who don't know what they wan,t anymore than men aren't interested in women who don't know they want.

Who wants a flake?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Helping to keep a New Years' Resolution...
Posted: 1/18/2013 5:51:30 PM
"So she smoked for let say a month. Let's say she smoked a package a day.

How stinky can her apartment and vehicle have got in that amount of time?

If her apartment and vehicle upset you that much, don't go to her apartment and don't let her drive you anywhere."

I noticed that you didn't both addressing my questions!

"So 'encouraging' is the same thing as 'demanding', huh? "

There is a huge difference between encouraging and demanding. Offering to clean her apartment crosses the line. Her apartment is her space not yours.

"I wish there was more that I could say or do for encouragement, but I guess VOLUNTEERING to HELP clean someone's place makes me a demanding control freak. "

You are being way over the top on this issue. That equals control issues IMO.

" She's got her studies to get back to, and it doesn't do any good to shampoo carpeting anyway when the temp outside is 5 below and you can't open windows to dry out the rooms. Yeeesh it's gonna get DAMN cold this weekend."

Yet you suggested shampooing her carpets for her. This does not make sense.

If where you are is so cold right now, and you are so worried about air quality, I assume you won't be using your furnace or fireplace so you aren't lowering the air quality of the outside air.

I will never forget being in a tropical airport. My traveling companion and I were walking by the smoking area. A man was walking by us in the opposite direction. His BO assaulted us as we walked by. He then started screaming at smokers because they were making the air stink. He even called airport police. They came and pointed out for him the smoking area sign, and walked away. He kept up his dramatic yelling at the people in the smoking area. My non smoking friend walked up to him and said "I don't smoke, but if you don't stop your nonsense, I am going to buy cigarettes just to annoy you.

If you made it clear to the women you are seeing that you wouldn't date smokers, do you think that just maybe she doesn't care what you boundie's are? Guess what? You caved. If you can't say what you mean, and mean what you say, don't whine when you don't like the outcome.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Helping to keep a New Years' Resolution...
Posted: 1/18/2013 2:25:07 PM
" In the weeks prior to Christmas she was dealing with stress from school finals --- and out came the cigarettes.
The problem is, her small apartment and vehicle just reek of cigarette smoke."

So she smoked for let say a month. Let's say she smoked a package a day.

How stinky can her apartment and vehicle have got in that amount of time?

If her apartment and vehicle upset you that much, don't go to her apartment and don't let her drive you anywhere.

"I did volunteer to rent a Rug Doctor to clean the carpet and upholstery if she'd let me help, but she's pretty stubborn about doing it herself."

Butt out of her businesses. She doesn't need your drama stress her further.

"She's started up college classes again, and I'm afraid it won't get done and she may revert back to smoking eventually if she doesn't clean up the apartment. "

What does her not cleaning up her apartment have to do with her starting to smoke again?

" She's starting up classes again this week, so I don't want to push her too hard to overhaul her whole apartment, but I seriously think she probably needs to empty out her closet and re-wash all her clothes to get rid of that lingering smell. How healthy is it to have a residence that still smells like smoke when they are trying to quit? "

You can't be serious. The stress of classes and you having a melt down might stress her enough to start smoking again. But the smell of the smoke in her apartment?

Either you date smokers or you don't. Make a decision.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
first meeting topics- things one may not want to mention.
Posted: 12/14/2012 6:28:26 AM
Are people just a reflection of their ex's, their child's, their pet's etc.?
I hope not.

I want to know what type of person the person is, not who they were when they reacted badly to someone who drove them crazy.
Imo, people who talk about others driving them crazy allow people to get on their nerves. I guess that would tell me that they aren't laid back enough for me.

Topic of this thread is first meeting topics. I think people can say a lot of things to turn others off. However, people can talk a good talk. We have to wait until we see how they act before we know who they really are.

I don't like people who push to get info. I prefer to let conversations to just flow as they would when you chat with friends.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
first meeting topics- things one may not want to mention.
Posted: 12/13/2012 11:39:35 AM
"So if she likes to do something that used to drive me crazy, I prefer to know it sooner, than later.
And inserting a few "my ex gf" did this or that helps. "

Please explain why it helps to insert a few "my ex gf" helps? Why can't people just say "I don't like this, it drive me crazy"?

"Once I explained to some of my dates, they liked the idea.
They got a better view of me, and so did I of them."

How do you know they didn't date you again because of all the ex chat?

"But why wait a few moths to realize he is doing the same thing your ex did, and drove you crazy?"

I don't need a few months to realize someone isn't a person that I would want to be around.
I can say that I have never got into a relationship where the person drove me crazy?
I just can't understand why someone would be around someone who drove them crazy, never mind be in a relationship with them.

I don't think chat about child(s), pet(s) is a good idea. Saying I have a child/ don't have a child, have pet/don't have pet if fine. Telling stories about the latest cute things that kids/pets did is not okay.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
first meeting topics- things one may not want to mention.
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:55:58 AM
"Guess you missed the part when I pointed out not overwhelmingly of course.
More like the example I gave, about her ex watching too much TV. But you missed that one too.
Yes of course, if all your likes, dislikes has to do something with your ex, there is a problem.
But to gave a few examples from your past relationship?
I don't see a problem with that."

Why the need to talk about failed relationships at all? Why say an ex watched too much tv?
Why not say that you don't watch much tv?

You don't have to overwhelm to give the impression that you relate yourself to your exs, and don't see yourself as a person with your own life. Sounds like a person who can't relate to being a person comfortable with being single.

"My ex did this or that, and I hated it. So if I am like the ex, I know it won't be going good.
Or you could just find out a few months later, and than wish you would have known."

I look at people for who they are right now. Not who they used to be in the past while in a relationship with someone else. Sorry, but I am not interested in find out about the problems with the ex whether it be now or in a few months. I don't hold the ex responsible for what type of person the person I am dating is.

 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
first meeting topics- things one may not want to mention.
Posted: 12/11/2012 6:02:26 AM
"Well..I think talk about your past relationship could be good. But not overwhelmingly, of course.
I honestly do that, I say stuff like she likes to do this, or that, and I wasn't a fan of that, etc.
To sort of tell her about me, to see if she would like to do those things, or would she say, "no way I am like that".
She can do the same.
Tell me that her ex was watching too much TV, I would say, you don't have to worry about that with me..
Makes sense?"

Not only doesn't it make sense, I would leave fast if that was the way a first meeting was going.

If a person can't relate to the world without their ex being the main focus of talking, something is wrong.

I don't understand why some people can't talk about their likes and dislikes without it reflecting on their past relationships. Screams of co dependency issues.

Number 1 reason first meetings are a bust is because one of the parties shows that they have ex issues.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Diabetic Boyfriend now my ex boyfriend because of verbal abuse
Posted: 11/30/2012 3:05:46 PM
I have a friend who's husband appeared drunk and very combative when his blood sugar levels went out of range.
He was arrested twice because police thought he was very drunk, and tried to fight with them. He was very abusive to her at times. She ended up divorcing him.

I have another friend who's spouse is totally out of it (appearing drunk) when he doesn't take care of his sugar levels. He phones from his cell phone sounding drunk (which is her key to know what is happening to him) is out driving and has no idea where he is. She spends most of her spare time trying to keep his sugar levels where they should be while trying to maintain her job, which is important because he can't keep a job. I don't know how she keeps her sanity. Watching her trying to get him to drink juice, or not eat something, and see the way he treats her reminds me of a parent trying to take care of a severely mentally challenged adult child.

Then again, I know diabetics who you wouldn't know their condition unless they told you.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Sickness: taking care of your boyfriend?
Posted: 11/28/2012 1:42:54 PM
"ex turned into a baby when he had even the slightest cold. I didn't mind babying him."

If I wanted a baby, I would have had one. Everybody is different, but I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who needed babying. Yes, I would take over the chores, and supply drinks and food, and cold meds., but I don't think that is babying. Imo, unless an adult is very ill, I can't even imagine them wanting to be babied. I have been very ill in my life time, and any one who would have tried to baby me would have been told that adults don't appreciate being babied. Imo, babying an adult is repulsive.
 
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