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 Author Thread: starting over
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 62 (view)
 
starting over
Posted: 12/10/2013 6:43:52 AM
Its not that you have to "wait" for a number of years to "recover" from a lost long term relationship. You can, and will, move on to new relationships. Its just that you won't really be who you are as an unattached person for that period of time until you have purged your behaviour of all the habits that you built up during the previous long term.

That means that you will continue to change back to who you really want to be, and the consequence is that your new relationships will likely suffer because they are based on something that is not stable in you.

On the other hand, the more you try, the faster you may recover. Damned if you don't, Damned if you do......

Whenever you think you know what will happen in a new relationship, just realize that you don't. You only know what would have happened in your old relationship under the particular circumstances in question. Its the false assumptions that kill the new relationship.

Its really unfortunate that you can't change long term habit overnight. On the other hand, those who can evolve the successful long term habits don't find themselves in relationships that fail.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
The much sought after emotion...Love
Posted: 11/1/2013 9:04:08 AM
My experience is that love is an easily found, common and natural occurrence between people. To me, its active and reflexive. You have to be open to it happening, and you have to give of yourself to the object of your affection. Love requires constant attention to your acts within a relationship. The stronger the emotions involved, the deeper the love becomes.

It is not some magic out of your control. You make it happen by loving. You keep it happening by loving. You know its there in a relationship when you can feel it and never have to question whether its present.

For all kinds of reasons, you will be hurt by love. Learn to enjoy the hurt as much as you enjoy the bliss. Its all one single passage in life.

You are never more than 5 minutes away from love. Its up to you.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
starting over
Posted: 10/23/2013 8:52:47 AM
I suppose one has to ask oneself how much energy and sacrifice one is putting into a relationship. It appears to be true that relationships take work, hard, continuous work, and there is some evidence that the result is durable. Of course, some relationships are easier than others, and that may be the trick, finding one that is easy enough to manage.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 169 (view)
 
It may be stupid, but what did we do with out cell phones?
Posted: 10/21/2013 2:29:36 PM
Before cell phones we had personal privacy, freedom of choice, peace and tranquility.

How I remember having a nice lunch with an interesting companion and being able to spend the time concentrating on her without interruptions, distractions and other nnoying happenings.

Now, you ask for a phone number, and if she gives you her land line, you know immediately she is not all that interested in receiving your call....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 56 (view)
 
gracious response to a 'no' on the second date invitation
Posted: 9/17/2013 2:50:36 PM
Well, I have always taken any refusal without some compelling reason as terminal. I never ask again. If you are in this age group and want to play coy, check what is on TV. I know what I want out of life, and uncertainty or playing games is not part of it. I think that one really has to keep in mind that there is a huge amount of competition out there and that you won't likely get anywhere toying with opportunities. That is true even outside of the dating world, IMHO.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 92 (view)
 
Relocating For The Over 45 Crowd.....
Posted: 8/24/2013 6:14:22 AM

if the guy was offering six months of the year on a tropical island...hmmmm.....


For us Canucks, Australia is a tropical island......:)

16-18C in the dead of Winter........rough......
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Life is less and less worthwhile
Posted: 8/19/2013 6:43:25 AM
What with long term friends, colleagues, neighbours and family members succumbing to cancers and other maladies, I find the fact that life has obviously less and less of a future duration to make the current moments more precious. I am pressing ahead as fast as I can with the things I want and need to do, and actually enjoying it more than ever.

It is a worry, however, that the next medical checkup could well signal the beginning of the end, but that is why its important to think positive.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 69 (view)
 
circular dating
Posted: 6/25/2013 1:48:54 PM
Is that "immoral" or "amoral" sex you are thinking about?

One has guilt, the other is just plain fun!!!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Life is less and less worthwhile
Posted: 6/25/2013 7:29:16 AM
Good grief!

1) Get as healthy as you can
2) Do whatever to stay that way
3) Find a friendly woman to spend time with (there are hordes of them out there)
4) Spend your money on traveling first class as much as possible
5) Love without worrying about whether its "right"
6) Let yourself be loved
7) Get viagra if you need it.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 194 (view)
 
Men over sixty - seem to like women in their own age bracket.
Posted: 6/17/2013 9:12:13 AM
If you go by this site, the number of older women participating falls off dramatically after mid-50s, so if you are older than that,
you pretty well have to look at younger women, whether you want to or not. Otherwise, you might as well stick to real life.

Of course men prefer women in their age group.....groan......
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 104 (view)
 
Women can fix this!
Posted: 6/4/2013 9:42:51 AM
^^^^BINGO!

That is right on target!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 88 (view)
 
CRADLE SNATCHING
Posted: 6/4/2013 9:41:41 AM
It would be depressing to live by all the "rules" people on here come up with. Fortunately, as far as I can tell, most of them have no idea about what they talk about, and real life is far more fluid and dynamic than any environment that the rule makers want to promote.

It is quite true, however, that most of the world still accepts older male/younger female relationships, largely because they still expect the male will be the provider and the female will ensure the arrival of offspring. Sexist? Outdated? Patriarchal? Definitely! However, its reality.

Do what you want in the relationships that you can form. Leave to moralizing to those sitting by themselves in front of their computers.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 365 (view)
 
New Age Restrictions Set By Admin: Message Restrictions
Posted: 5/22/2013 7:12:42 AM
My experience has been that the vast majority of people on POF have profiles on the other 50 dating sites on the net, so...if Markus doesn't want you chatting up
people outside his view of appropriate age limits, simply go to almost any other site and connect there.......

Its actually pretty interesting to compare the profiles of one person of several sites. The differences are quite revealing.......:)

Even on POF, many appear to have multiple profiles with widely varying ages, interests and goals. Site admins can delude themselves that their policies are
effective, and some may be, however, the published statistics on the data on social media sites show that truth is not a big factor in what people put in profiles.

You all should also pay attention to the fact that while POF, and other sites, post the number of new additions, you never see any stats on the number of closed
accounts or the number of accounts that have been dead for several years.....Its all smoke and mirrors.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 215 (view)
 
Does it matter if he lies about his age
Posted: 5/3/2013 9:44:24 AM
What do people actually need limits for? Are they too dull to figure out whether they are interested in someone by either looking at some pictures, talking on the phone or meeting for a tea? I suppose if you are so stunningly gorgeous that you get hundreds of hits a day it might be useful, but I have not seen anyone on POF yet that has that kind of appeal....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 71 (view)
 
CRADLE SNATCHING
Posted: 5/3/2013 7:24:44 AM
^^^^How true! Of course, its never evident which one will become the caregiver, and even if you take up with someone exactly your own age, its no guarantee you won't become a caregiver eventually anyway.

I suspect that regardless of all the blather bandied about here, most people will go out with people that ask them out and with whom they feel happy.....

Yes, you may look in specific segments of the population, but worrying about what will happen down the road is just a needless waste of your own life. It only ever takes 1 visit to a Doctor for an annual checkup to go from being a healthy person who is bound to live forever to a person with chronic medical issues, and you just never know when that day will come.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 92 (view)
 
over 50 then look at this
Posted: 5/1/2013 5:45:58 AM
^^^^Well...if you need someone to help spend your money and share your pension, etc.........
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Why do Men of a Certain Age HATE Facebook?
Posted: 4/8/2013 7:44:28 AM
The good thing about facebook is I have found and been found by all kinds of people I have not heard from for 40 odd years.

The bad thing about facebook is that people who I have not heard from in 40 odd years have found me.....

Is POF for finding dates?????
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
 
CRADLE SNATCHING
Posted: 4/4/2013 10:14:05 AM
If you are worried about what other people think about relationships that make you happy, you should consider seeking counseling.

Age differences may ultimately have an effect on you, but there is no guarantee that you won't check out before the other person
you are being involved in, and you can't ensure living happily ever after by reading birth certificates.

A this age group, you just can't expect to live forever after. Why limit your choices based on anything?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 2/27/2013 2:34:51 PM

It's all somebody else's fault.


Far as I can tell, for 99.9% of the complainers on these forums, it IS somebody else's fault....for years and years and years.......
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Ain't Going to Happen.... now what?
Posted: 2/27/2013 5:24:11 AM
Why would anyone at this age be seeking marriage? Been there, done that!

But I love the strategy that Blonde Angel suggests....:)
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
45 and feel so out of my depth about dating
Posted: 2/7/2013 9:14:12 AM
Its really not a big problem. Think about how you treated your ex(es). Treat the women you meet better!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How Weird was this?
Posted: 2/6/2013 11:59:20 AM
He took a look at you and decided that he was not interested.......rude, crude, but easy on him.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Relationship Goals..
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:56:40 PM
Many people who are in relationships have life goals. One of the BIG things being in a stable relationship does is give one time to pursue life goals. Many single people spend huge amounts of time (and money), to say nothing of the psychological resources, seeking a mate. If you have a steady mate, you may have one who wants to participate in your goals and dreams, and you may wish to participate in her goals and dreams. Both of you just have way more resources to follow your dreams because you are not spending those resources trying to find a relationship. No matter how low a priority you may declare the search for a partner, its probably not zero, and that means you are thinking about it, searching for someone, investing in new relationships, etc. All of which leaves less time and resources for doing what you really think you want to do.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Relationship Goals..
Posted: 1/31/2013 10:29:38 AM
Sorry, chancesrmd, I can't message you because of your mail setting. I'm too old.

Try macleans.ca for the article....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Honesty
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:30:37 AM
Some reports claim that 80 percent of participants on online dating sites lie about things in their profiles.........

What then is the meaning of "honesty"?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Relationship Goals..
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:19:40 AM
Many people have no problem spending most of their life (i.e 8 or more hours per day, traveling on business trips, lunches, dinners, and frequently in out of the office social relationships) with co-workers, but have enormous problems living with a "romantic interest" for more than several months. People spend 30 plus years with co-workers without any big problems, and don't regard the relationships as significant, yet can't make it 2 years with someone who they feel is part of a significant relationship.

On the other hand, profile after profile shouts the desire for a "long term" relationship. When you really think about it, its completely crazy......

Of course, it also shows how motivation is a key factor in relationship success. You have to get along with co-workers if you want to hold on to your job, but, at least these days, there is no real need to find out how to get along with your romantic interest. You can, you believe, always find another romantic interest.

No, I don't think I have got it wrong at all.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Relationship Goals..
Posted: 1/29/2013 11:53:45 AM
Just read an article on online dating that cites some studies that indicate that searching for a soul mate is a strategy that is likely to result in never being able to enter into a relationship. The idea being that the combination of the perception of choice being unlimited and the elevated standards associated with what a soul mate should be like results in 100 percent rejection of candidates. The focus of some studies cited also indicate that compatibility and common interests are not good predictors of relationship success.

My own view is that someone you can get along with and with whom you can tolerate their general behaviour is probably the secret to relationship success. Considering the length of time some people have been looking, as evidenced by their presence on this site, I am of the opinion that the soul mate strategy is probably basically counter productive.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
With a Little Help from Our Forum Friends?
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:51:43 AM
I wonder about all the chemistry talk on these forums. I think it is clear that at least what I would call "Basic Chemistry" need to be there. You just won't consider someone who does not appeal to you in any way. However, beyond that, do we even know what "Chemistry" actually is, or is it all just a romanticized idea about what we think is the potential for true love. I suppose it true that you can meet someone who knocks your socks off, but there have been such incidents in life that resulted in a few months of intense physical interaction, only to fade with the end of Summer, etc.

My own view is that a deep, long term love relationship takes years of bumps and slides, and is only evident in hindsight. Sitting around waiting for lightning to strike dreaming of how it will be at that moment is probably unrealistic. Mt. D above may well have a point.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 233 (view)
 
Dating in our 50's
Posted: 1/21/2013 9:41:45 AM
^^^^^The best lovers are the ones in your bed! That's reality!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 179 (view)
 
Dating in our 50's
Posted: 1/17/2013 7:20:41 AM
You know, ladies, men have the same experience on here as you do. I think its simply the experience of meeting the "public" as oppose to those in your own socio-economic class. The great unwashed masses are....unwashed.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Why Bother?
Posted: 1/16/2013 9:35:46 AM

Asking is the easy part...finding someone I want to ask is much harder..Lol


Rearguard is jumping up and down waving his hands i the air...:)
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 66 (view)
 
Why Bother?
Posted: 1/16/2013 6:52:01 AM
The whole concept of men being less faithful than women is obviously ridiculous. Assuming it was true, exactly who are the women they are being unfaithful with? Are the only five promiscuous females in the world servicing the billions of cheating males out there? I really don't think so.

I should be obvious that there are at least the same number of cheating women as there are cheating men. Any other theory results in absurd conclusions. Its probably biologically true that lifetime monogamy for humans is not hard wired into our DNA, as cheating is an age old story amongst us. Its not a male or a female thing. Its a human thing.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 64 (view)
 
Why Bother?
Posted: 1/16/2013 6:28:02 AM

I would say overall that women are more faithful than men.


Too bad that research into the matter has shown time and again that the reverse is true. With married women, it is more marked than in the single ones.

But let's not let any facts affect our opinions and beliefs. Granting that women claim to be more emotional than men (a crock as well), then why would you suspect that men would be less faithful to relationships? Clearly, emotional need drives women to seek satisfaction outside the relationship, something we men don't have the motivation for, according to your view of biology.......

Oh, and by the way, women are just as interested in the physical aspects of relationships as men are. Sit around with a bunch of married women and listen to them complain about how they are not getting enough. I can say I have never been with a bunch of married/in relationship men who complained about not enough sex. Strange, don't you think, since we men are far more interested in the physical than women?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 117 (view)
 
Dating in your 70s
Posted: 1/15/2013 8:32:18 AM

"Old men are looking for a nurse or a purse," my active mother said.


Well, I expect to be looking for the same thing as now: A willing woman who wants to make love mid-mornings on cold Winter days, and in the grass of a meadow with a nice view on warm Summer days. Spring and Fall venues negotiable....:)

Now, if she happens to be a rich geriatric care nurse as well.....whats to complain about!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 127 (view)
 
Dating in our 50's
Posted: 1/14/2013 10:46:14 AM
^^^^^Are you implying that you don't consider a woman's financial situation when you dating? Hard to believe. It might not be the most important thing, but for any relationship lasting longer than a few weeks, I would bet it is a serious consideration, unless, of course, you have bags of money and can afford to carry the can all by yourself.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 347 (view)
 
skirt length when over 50
Posted: 1/13/2013 8:55:42 AM

I wonder how many guys here worry who about being judged when they dress every day.


Well, in the warm weather, I do. If I wear my short shorts then the number of local ladies showing up with tuna casseroles gets out of hand. I can eat only so much of that stuff and when it starts to pile up in my fridge to the extent that there is not enough room for beer, I am forced into my knee length baggy shorts.

And don't even get me started on what happens when I work outside without a t-shirt!

In the cold weather, everyone is bundled up like an eskimo, so it doesn't much matter what you are wearing underneath. One reason I rather like Winter....:)
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 314 (view)
 
skirt length when over 50
Posted: 1/11/2013 5:45:33 AM
No doubt about it, women should know their proper place in society and dress accordingly!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 297 (view)
 
skirt length when over 50
Posted: 1/10/2013 4:18:47 AM

what if your 15 year old daughter wants to wear an extremely short skirt walking to school, o r to the bus stop ?


Wow, are you living in someone's basement! Up this way the school uniforms are short to the stage that you would probably consider naughty. I don't think my daughter has ever worn a skirt below mid-thigh......

Hilarious........
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 292 (view)
 
skirt length when over 50
Posted: 1/9/2013 5:56:12 PM

For MOST women OVER 50, experts will tell you (as well as your own mother) that it looks pretty stupid to wear extremely short skirts and dresses


Really? You knew anita's mother? I don't think so......

Experts? In what, exactly? This entire discussion is to me patently ridiculous. Skirt length is societal, a fashion trend, and has nothing to do with age. Women's legs look pretty much the same whatever they wear, and in hot places its shorts and swim suits most of the time, skirt length is short as well, unless there is a crazy fashion or cultural thing going on.

What you are going on about is your own conservative background. There are loads of women who can flash a nice leg at any age. It depends on genetics, physical condition, attitude, personal taste and personal comfort.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 286 (view)
 
skirt length when over 50
Posted: 1/9/2013 10:50:00 AM
Nothing gets me going quicker than nice long legs and heels. The shorter the skirt the quicker the response.

Of course, the legs need to be long and slender without varicose veins.....

Age has nothing to do with it.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Dating in our 50's
Posted: 1/8/2013 8:45:22 AM
Its basically good news that older women are interested in the carnal pleasures. After all, we will all eventually end up in bed with an older woman....if we are so lucky to last long enough. Its reassuring to know that it won't be tranquil in the bedroom in our old age....:)
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Higher expectations
Posted: 1/4/2013 9:08:54 AM
Well, living by being scared is rather sad, and pointless when you think about it.

Your previous decisions should be looked at as learning experiences, and you should take what you learned and try to do better in the future.

Myself, I wonder if its just being lazy. The investment in a relationship results in a payoff that, when compared to the status quo, no longer seems worth the effort, and with so many options at little cost, why bother......
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
How old is too old for me? Im not a cub looking for a Cougar..
Posted: 1/4/2013 9:01:13 AM
If, when you are standing face to face, both of you want to close the gap between you, age is not relevant. Otherwise, its as good as any excuse.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 232 (view)
 
Are we getting harder as we get older?
Posted: 12/31/2012 9:30:41 AM
What? People actually NEED dating sites to attract partners??????

My goodness, whatever did people do for the last million years before dating sites existed?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Higher expectations
Posted: 12/31/2012 7:37:29 AM
^^^^Ah yes, the ultimate denial of responsibility for relationship outcomes....GOD did it!

Nothing to do with our own peculiarities and decisions........I feel better already!

Groan......
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 80 (view)
 
47 with a 3 year old at home
Posted: 12/28/2012 8:06:23 AM
This does not appear to be a case for Rocket Science. If you don't want to get involved with men who have young kids, don't! Its not like he will be able to hide the
the fact for very long. There are hordes of fine women who are quite ready to get into that kind of a situation, some with small children of their own.

I don't really get the point of filling pages of complaints. Y'all need to get a life.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 211 (view)
 
skirt length when over 50
Posted: 12/21/2012 10:50:14 AM
As we all know, mae, unwrapping the presents is more than half the fun, and postpones the surprise....

Its what you find when the wrapping is finally all off that makes the labour worth it!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 215 (view)
 
Is 61 the cut-off age for having any luck on POF?
Posted: 12/20/2012 5:26:45 AM
Goodness, Rusty, what you describe has nothing to do with my own life. Its more like a mythical stereotype that can only exist in your own thinking. I have known any number of women who have given birth whose bodies are just ad desirable as any man could want, spent decades at the soccer field and changed countless diapers.

I have to say that I was skeptical about the comments that you are hostile to men, but the above ptolemic certainly contributes to that kind of observation. Both men and women are, in my experience, morally weak, and raising children is a strain on both sexes which frequently results in one or both partners straying from the straight and narrow path of conventional family myth. Its all human weakness, and nothing is to be gained by blaming one sex or the other.

Sex is, to my mind, ultimately tied to the reproductive process, and it is no surprise that sexual attractiveness is tied to the physical form of youth. In a sense, the sexual urge probably remains with us far too long in life after the reproductive phase is past, and that does result in behaviour that is, in men, focused on the younger females. Its not, however, universally the result that you describe. There are hordes of old geezers walking hand in hand with their long term mates in my neighbourhood, and none of them are hankering after young popseys except, perhaps, in the odd dream.

If you are alone, I suggest that it is mostly because you prefer your life as it is, rather than any deep rooted male rejection of older women. In order to be with someone, you have to accept the disturbances and inconveniences of another in your life, and with age, for both men and women, that becomes harder and harder. The sexual drive does decline, and with that decline comes the change in the balance in priorities in life. At 20, getting laid at any cost was the rule. At 60, getting laid is nice, but being able to leave up the toilet seat is nicer.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 182 (view)
 
Are we getting harder as we get older?
Posted: 12/19/2012 6:33:00 AM
I hardly think the fact that a woman is sought after by other men is a factor in male thinking. The women who conduct themselves in a sexually provocative manner attract men. The men are all estimating their chances of making it with her, they are not needing the interest of other men to influence their thinking. If they notice other men in the pursuit, it might motivate them to more stringent efforts to succeed, but that is just natural competition for access to females.

It should be no news that any woman who puts out the message that sex is likely to happen generates male interest, regardless of her other characteristics.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 207 (view)
 
Is 61 the cut-off age for having any luck on POF?
Posted: 12/19/2012 6:20:49 AM
Trouble is, Rusty, it takes years to get a relationship to where you want to be. To get there, you got to start somewhere nowhere near your goal, and figure out how to keep it growing towards where you want to be. I doubt you will fine it falling out of the nearest tree.
 
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