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Thread: SEX---->A sacred thing<----Virginity

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 108 (view)

SEX---->A sacred thing<----Virginity Posted: 3/3/2008 11:41:42 PM
Readiness for sex is a very personal thing, but I would definitely say that 12 is entirely too young for 99.9% of the population. At that point, you're barely entering puberty. It is a bit funny, though, how this is generational. In my generation, being a virgin at marriage was virtually unheard of. It was the cultural norm to enjoy sex, celebrate it, embrace it as a manifestation of the love we felt for another. Then, AIDS became a very real threat. A few years after the original AIDS epidemic, virginity became popular again, as if AIDS was the fire-n-brimstone price my generation were to pay for our sexuality. Very interesting to see how values have changed because of a virus... Finally, I'm not sure that losing your virginity obliterates what you describe as innocence. Isn't the innocence you refer to really about allowing yourself to be truly intimate with another? If that's the case, you can have sex with 100 people and never be intimate with them. Similarly, you can be deeply, astonishingly intimate with someone and never have sex with them. Intimacy doesn't require innocence. It requires trust, honesty, courage, and letting go of your ego...

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 59 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/3/2008 7:25:43 PM
If men liked women who are ``hard to get,'' they wouldn't pay escorts $300+/hour for a sure thing.[\quote] Yeah, but that's different -- I don't think the author means 'hard to get' necessarily sexually, but 'hard to get' in that you aren't waiting by the phone, not willing to change plans to be with him, basically having a life -- and seeing if this makes him want to get serious. Sigh...it is all so much work, I agree. Can't we just be ourselves? Oh, wait...

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 37 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/2/2008 10:43:31 AM
It is not a game it is just a balancing act that is part of the dating life until you find the one you want to be with. Right?! RIGHT! Here's an example -- I dated a guy for a few weeks. Fun, smart, attractive guy. He's a pilot, and over the holidays was pressed into many weeks of work, so was rarely here. When he WAS here, of course, I was working, with the kids, on vacation, etc. The guy likes and trusts me enough to go in to his house while he's gone to do some interior decorating, which I was happy to do, and we do have a great time together. We haven't seen each other in over a month, now -- he'll be back from China next week. He emails me once a week or so, very quick, kind of business-like emails (he's not a great emailer, I get that). I asked him if he wanted to go skiing with me as he loves to ski and has missed most of the season. Turns out, he was planning on going up anyway, and so agreed to meet me his last night up there (which is the first night I can get to Tahoe). Great! A few days later, he tells me he doesn't think he can make it after all, but will let me know 'later' (whenever that may be, God knows). Fine. I invite a girlfriend to go with me because I figure that (ahem) I should not be waiting around for him to call or to be free. So, is this playing hard to get? I don't think so. In this case, I have two choices: cut him loose entirely, or keep seeing other guys and living my life, which is really what the book instructs women to do -- but guess what. When told him that I had invited a friend (because you see, NOW he's free again!), he told me -- with a laugh -- that I was being hard to get!! KILL ME NOW!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 26 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/2/2008 8:16:47 AM
Where have you been my whole life?! Raising kids that are nearly as old as you are now! Totally get that it has to end somewhere, and I'm not talking about making a game out of it. Understand, I don't LIKE being 'hard to get', and normally I'm quite content doing the pursuer role (or vice-versa), but it just hasn't panned out. I've spent many hours thinking about this, talking about this with people who know me very well. I have a very good grasp on who I am and how people work -- I have a masters in counseling psychology and make my living helping folks understand themselves and makeing their lives work. To a person, everyone, including my men friends who have known me for 30 years, are perplexed as to why I'm still single...except to say that I'm too strong! So hey, if what you are doing isn't working -- YOU TRY SOMETHING NEW, right? That is the sign of mental health, btw! LOL!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 20 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/2/2008 7:25:22 AM
LOL, my dear, I've done that for 6 years, which is exactly why I read this book! And Leeanne, I'm absolutely not a game player -- but I AM a very strong, smart, sexual woman, who sadly scares the bejeezus out of most guys. I'm also a lot of fun, great sense of humor, and one of the nicest people you'll meet (or so say the people who know me). The fun/kind side of me draws 'em in, but the smart/assertive side scares 'em off! What's a smart/sexy/fun/assertive girl to do? I'm gettin' OLD HERE!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 18 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/2/2008 7:12:47 AM
No, you didn't muddy the waters...and I think you're right. But here's the deal -- I've seen it happen again and again, with myself and with MANY other women (and maybe this is a generational thing, not sure). You go out with a guy -- once, twice, maybe three times. You've stated -- both in a profile on a service like PoF, and in person, that you're looking for an LTR. So, the goal is stated and understood. The guy ALSO states that he is looking for an LTR. There's great connection and chemistry -- he calls, flirts, emails. Things get physical on the fourth or fifth date (remember, we're getting old here!). The sex is phenomenal. Day 1, he doesn't call. Day 2, he doesn't call. Day 3, he doesn't call...when and if he does call, it's for more sex. Somehow, the relationship part (the great connection, the flirts, the emails) is lost. As I say, I've seen this happen over and over again -- and the women are all attractive, sane, fun, kind, smart, and great in bed! This scenario seems to play out MORE FREQUENTLY with men 50-60 years old than younger men -- I'm 49, so you can guess who I date most (yet another reason I suppose to date younger men!). In short, once the chase is done, the guy is done!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 10 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/1/2008 11:24:38 PM
Besides, how else am I supposed to find out if the guy is right for me unless I get to know him on a dating level for a while first? I'm with you on that one...and that was a main point of the book. If you don't really invest in checking out several people, how will you know that you've really got a good match? And yes of course, this is a two-way street. Most folks wouldn't buy the first house they looked at, or car they test-drove...and yes, finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is really worth SEARCHING for!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 31 (view)

Internet Porn Posted: 3/1/2008 11:12:28 PM
Porn can be fun, and I will admit that some makes me downright hot, but I'm not much of a user -- I prefer my sex up close and personal, lol! Also, there is a very real downside to pornogrphy. For one, it can skew a person's view on 'real' sexuality by objectifying it. Secondly, it can be very addictive to some people, just like alcohol or gambling, and can take over a person's life to the extent that 'normal' sex is no longer interesting -- people get inured by simple pictures of people f*cking, and move to the 'freaky' stuff you describe. It's one thing to be casually curious, and entirely something else to be online for hours a day to the exclusion of real relationships. I have known several people who have lost marriages, jobs, and families due to addiction...

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 7 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/1/2008 10:48:49 PM
I totally agree that men and women alternate playing pursuer and pursued in a relationship...it's the art of maintaining sexual tension. But this is 'before' a relationship is established...I do think that men can be turned off in some way if he knows that she is always available and waiting by the phone for him, though, which is his point. Go live your life, go out with other people, and don't dote on his every email/phone call/IM until and unless he tells you that HE'S done playing the field and wants to be with you. THEN you can sleep with him! Like I say, I think I buy the message, up until the last part, LOL!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 1 (view)

Do men really like 'hard to get' women? Posted: 3/1/2008 10:14:42 PM
Okay, folks, here's my question... I recently read a very good book (STUPID title, but great book) called Catch Him & Keep Him -- it's an eBook. The premise of the book is this: men do NOT want to be chased by needy, possessive, clingy women. They want to be the pursuers, they want to 'win' a woman. The advice the author gives is for women to date many men simultaneously (NOT sleep with them, date them), and to be honest that you're playing the field. He goes on to say not to be too available, not to be demanding about getting time with him, and basically to keep it lots of fun, playful -- an non-sexual until you 'get a commitment'. The theory being, if you sleep with him too soon, he will never be committed to you emotionally. I totally get and understand everything this author states, but the last bit sticks in my craw a bit...so guys, tell me -- if a woman sleeps with you early on in a relationship, is it possible for you to develop real feelings for her, or is she always going to be a f*ck buddy in your minds? I really want to know what guys think about this...

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 118 (view)

Trophy Wives Posted: 3/1/2008 12:09:07 AM
Well, I live in a land of trophy wives, and as a divorced woman of 49, I can tell you that they can make a 'normal' woman's life hell...not to mention the men that they marry and divorce, lol! It's true that many successful men want beautiful women. That, however, does NOT mean that they have good relationships. On the contrary -- many of these marriages -- if not most -- are loveless and lifeless. Think about it! If you were picked just because you looked good, how deep can that relationship be? A very successful and very handsome SVP at a company I worked at started having an affair when his wife (young...beautiful...) was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. A woman in my neighborhood (young...beautiful...) started having an affair with her plumber because her husband was working so hard to make the money she was spending like it was going out of style. She ditched her husband, took half of his assets and is now married to the plumber. A woman I know (young...beautiful...) hasn't slept with her husband for over three years because he is addicted to internet porn. Not that I would ever be mistaken for a trophy wife, but you couldn't pay me to be that person. And the men that I date wouldn't want me to be one anyway. Far more fun to be real!

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 209 (view)

Does Friends first ever really work? Posted: 2/29/2008 11:50:50 PM
Well, my dear -- a couple of things. First off, if a guy is hanging around and 'doing stuff' for a woman in hopes that she'll fall for him, you're right -- that's an unequal balance. She's likely to feel like it's 'puppy love' and may just take advantage of it (most mature women won't, but some user types will). If a guy started following me around and doing stuff for me, I would immediately know if I was attracted to him -- if I were, he'd know it pretty damn quickly. If I weren't, I'd tell him. I can't imagine letting a man follow me around and shower me with attention unless it was reciprocal. But please note -- men do the same thing, only with a sexual twist. Men are often very happy to have women 'do stuff' for them and follow them around like puppy dogs and never have any feelings for them. Whereas women tend to believe that engaging in a sexual relationship equals emotional commitment, men are generally not wired the same way. So the guy thinks he has a swell f*ck buddy and the woman thinks she has a boyfriend. Is there really a difference? No. Again, it's an unequal power balance. You gotta be upfront with how you feel, or you'll get burned. Finally, when you really ARE friends with someone and it grows into a passionate relationship, it CAN work out wonderfully -- in fact, it can be the best kind of relationship. But it has to be mutual, with neither side using the other.

Joined: 2/12/2008

Msg: 8 (view)

threesome etiquette Posted: 2/29/2008 11:28:31 PM
My dear, threesomes can and do come (ahem) in both flavors...two women, one man; one woman, two men. Yes, yes, most men prefer the two-women type, but a guy I know told me about a totally hot experience he had with his girlfriend and another guy, both taking her at once. More than I could do, mind you, but it did sound rather fun! As to what a woman prefers, it really depends. A lot of women may fantasize about another woman, but actually doing it may stop her cold. Having two men may be appealing. And it is a sick fantasy? Again, it depends on your morals, what you believe in, and how it makes you feel -- before, during AND after. In my opinion, sex is grown-up play -- as long as no one is being humiliated, emotionally hurt or physically abused, why not stretch yourself and your limits? It's how we grow...

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